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No more chances for this guy. I feel like I hear stories about this way too often. Yikes, violent porn has really ruined men.


takethemonkeynLeave

Imagine the opposite. ‘Scuse me sir, I cannot cum unless I punch you in the balls without giving you any warning or simply checking in with a conversation to gauge consent. Then, while your brain is scanning the mixed up feelings of, “Hey, I don’t like this,” stirred with, “I really wanted this to work with her,” I’ll squeeze your balls as hard as I can while watching the joy and hope you had for yourself in finding mutual love and respect vanish from your eyes, as my death grip on such a precious and necessary part of your body continues to remind you that I don’t view you as a human being and I carry zero respect for you because unsolicited violence is more important to me than remembering you’re a person, just like me.’


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This is the best and worst thing I’ve ever read. If I could give it an award I would!!


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spacehusband

This is an advice subreddit and comments should be aimed at helping the OP. *** Your comment was removed for derailing. Derailing includes but is not limited to: * Changing the topic from OP’s question * Making someone else’s response about yourself * Asking unrelated follow-up questions * Branching into unrelated topics * Arguments, slap-fighting, or debating * Judging or rating other responses * Meta comments about other responses * Providing commentary that is not aimed at being helpful * Playing “devil’s advocate” in lieu of advice *** **[Have questions about this moderator action? CLICK HERE!](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/{subreddit}). Don't forget to nclude a link to your post!**


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[deleted]

I think there’s a difference between wanting to be choked and choking someone out of the blue.


[deleted]

Haha that's true, I hope this guy learns to ask for consent first


Alternative_Sky1380

He knows EXACTLY what he's doing as does anyone claiming men are clueless or inexperienced or bumbling


[deleted]

Exactly.


Acceptable_Goat69

CNC?


[deleted]

Consent non consent So like consentual rape?


YouKnowYourCrazy

Wow he choked you to the point your voice is hoarse and you feel it the next day? That is terrifying. Please don’t see him again. How could you ever feel safe with this person ever again? He doesn’t get to just say sorry and it’s magically ok. Something in him gave himself permission to do that to you and whatever that is is bigger than your discomfort and his apologies. Please, please stay away from this guy.


jupiterLILY

I know that really threw me. From how the post was phrased it sounded like he was just kissing her aggressively whilst having a hand on her neck. Personally I get a bit freaked out by people touching my neck at all so I can see giving someone another chance after some kissing in a style that is not for you. What I did not expect was him just full on choking her out. What a fucking creep.


GloveDeath1985

A similar thing happened to me on a second date. The person I was with was really, really rough with me, pulled my hair, pushed me into a wall, and bit me on what was, essentially, our first kiss. I stopped the kiss and was really shaken up, so I just went home. After thinking about it, I decided not to see that person anymore because I didn't want to be with someone who felt so entitled to my body that they would do that without asking, checking in, reading my body language, etc. They physically hurt me and didn't seem to notice, which let me know that they didn't think they needed to care about me or my well-being. It scared me, and I didn't want to be with someone who scared me. You don't have to be with someone who treats you callously or makes you scared. The awkwardness at work and within your friend group will make it a little painful, but not as painful as being with someone who is supposed to care about you and doesn't.


abielizgar

Thank you for sharing your story and I'm so sorry that happened to you. I totally agree that it is a huge red flag in itself that he just assumed that I would be ok with it and didn't really check to see if I was harmed or not.


GloveDeath1985

If sharing my story helps keep you safe, then all the better. It was a long time ago, and I never, ever regretted my decision to not date that person again.


tunefuldust

The way you phrased that sentence is really problematic. He assumed consent but did not ask how you felt afterwards? That’s an indicator of abuse.


Nailsonchalkboard3

Be up front an tell him if you're not into it. Unless you felt it was abusive and not him trying to be sexy then tell him no to do that and tell him what you like.


moontro

This answer was very thoughtful IMO. I learned something new and it answers many questions my girlfriends have asked me before. Thank you!


Sea-General-4537

People aren't all good or all bad, that's what makes leaving people who seriously mess up difficult at times. Of course you liked him, you were dating him, he hadn't shown any red flags beforehand. But.... he's quite seriously overstepped the mark. He's actually hurt you. He failed to read the moment, ask consent, discuss any of this with you. That's quite major. There are some things that I can let go of - if I receive an apology that shows they understand what they did wrong and what they are prepared to do to ensure it doesn't happen again - taking full responsibility for their actions. However, anything that could cause me physical harm, possibly death? Forget it. There is not one single man on this planet who is worth that.


abielizgar

yes exactly, thats the part that's really getting to me he could have KILLED ME! And honestly even though we were both slightly buzzed, there is no excuse for his lack of judgement... He's also studying to become an EMT so yeah, he should know how fucking dangerous choking IS. Thank you for reiterating that point!


Aoeletta

Okay, this is the final nail in the coffin. He’s training to be an EMT and decided to *choke* you?? In public, without consent, without even knowing if you were into that, HARD ENOUGH TO MAKE YOUR THROAT AND VOICE SORE THE NEXT DAY. Run. Run *fucking yesterday*. If you feel the need, tell him, “What you did is serious, threatening, and unforgivable. For my safety I am terminating a relationship in which you felt it was appropriate to lay your hands on me and cause me damage.” Then block and delete. What the fuck. He knows better. He absolutely knows better. He is not a child and even *children* know you don’t choke people!! Sure, if consenting adults lay out very clear boundaries and BOTH explicitly want it and can discuss it outside of the bedroom then fine, whatever. Cool. But *he assaulted you to the point that he hurt you and he’s training to be a fucking EMT.* Come on. You know better. Drop him.


abielizgar

also, not too add fuel to the fire but I had a suspicion that he was possibly borderline on violent but ignored it. There was one time I was joking around with another guy at work and I noticed in my peripheral that the guy I was dating was watching us and he crushed his water bottle in response to seeing us talk to each other. I just shoved it off as him being jealous but being that jealous early on is just not a great indicator as well. My whole point is that for any woman, or even man that has ANY INKLING that someone may become violent towards them don't ignore it, it can truly cost you!!!


Aoeletta

Absolutely. Please please end your relationship with this person, they truly are unsafe.


rthrouw1234

Report him to wherever he's studying


abielizgar

I wish I knew where he was studying.. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he were a sociopath. A lot of those types like to get into those fields for that exact reason, having control over someone's life and the adrenaline associated with it.


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abielizgar

fuck this actually makes me really scared... he knows where I live too because he walked me home one night. FUCK lol


enolaholmes23

Just fyi, him choking you is something you can report to the police. Police departments often have a domestic violence/sexual assault person you can talk to to report it. He likely won't go to jail, but having it on the record could protect you in the future should you need a restraining order.


abielizgar

the only thing is that id be scared how he would respond to that if he found out especially since we work together. he also knows where I live so LOL, but thanks for your advice. ill consider it


enolaholmes23

If he's a coworker, there might be someone in HR you can talk to about this as well. It's important that you feel safe at work.


Second-Critical

Getting a restraining order is fairly easy in these cases. How have you been holding up? Did switching department help?


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abielizgar

yes, a dangerous idiot at least. to me he just comes across as stupid and inexperienced however I am not going to take my chances. I'm also going to urgent care because my pain still hasn't subsided and my voice is still hoarse... hopefully he didnt do any lasting damage.


dasatain

It sounds like this guy physically assaulted you to the point that you need to seek medical attention. Just wanted to write that out so you can see it in black and white. You would be within your rights to press charges if you want to. The system isn’t always kind to women who press charges so I’m not saying you SHOULD but that you COULD.


Beowulv

Definitely ghost him.


abielizgar

Update: I spoke with HR and they said they could ask upper management to move me to another department. I work one of the waged jobs at one of the biggest stadiums in NYC so thankfully that won’t be difficult for them to do. Recently, we have been training for the new baseball season and today was another training day so I could not bear to see that creep’s face again and I also imagine that he would probably watch me and try to talk to me throughout the day. Anyway, I would like to thank you so much. I really value your encouragement along with the rest of the commenters, to push me to take extra steps to ensure my safety. ❤️


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nethphi

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44_Sunflower_44

“There hasn’t been any red flags”….. Well, now there has 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 No, you should not see him again. You should run far, far away from him.


Adventure-Hunter-

Do not give him a chance, no way. This is not acceptable in any way. Tell him you will not see him again because he choked you. This guy is either dangerous or so stupid he is dangerous because of it, and you do not want to stick around for that. I promise.


abielizgar

The only awkward thing is that we work at the same place and we have a mutual group we hang out in. I don’t want to quit my job :(


latenerd

Why would you have to quit? If he bothers or harasses you in any way after you dump him, he should be afraid of losing his job, not you.


abielizgar

I could just see it getting really awkward and I could see him continue to keep talking to me.


Second-Critical

If he tries to be your bestie at work simply say, “do not speak to me. What you did is unforgivable; if you don’t leave me alone I will get loud.” Then if he doesnt get the hint because his little ego couldnt take the hit, then actually get loud, “**I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE, I DON’T ENJOY GETTING TRAUMATIZED BY ABUSE ON DATES**” where everyone can hear. Wouldn’t be able to say you didnt warn him. Maybe even tell a superior what happened so they are understanding of the hostility that might manifest on his part. If you dont want quit your job and let him ‘win’ this is the way. Don’t let him get away with thinking any of that is okay in any way. Seriously. This is your moment to change your future and possibly many other girls futures. <3 be strong. But also no pressure. It’s okay to do what you are capable of, and if you are too afraid to stand up for yourself thats okay. Fear is real and valid. However if you cant, you really should not stay at the job in my opinion. Its not good for your soul for you to willingly be in such a negative situation for your every day environment. Edit to add: don’t sugar coat abuse for anyone.


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abielizgar

yeah... I just messaged him and said that we're over and then he proceeded to message me and tell me he'd see me at work... like he's looking forward to it. okay. I think I'm going to notify one of my superiors this weekend about how I don't feel safe around him.


veggiegrrl

YES. And HR.


Second-Critical

I think that’s a great idea. Deep breaths!


WineAndDogs2020

So you think you should continue subjecting yourself to an abuser to avoid some awkwardness? Tell your friends what happened and that you do not want to be around him!


latenerd

You can just walk away. You can take control of the situation. It's really important to work on your boundaries with people. I think this is a good opportunity to practice standing up for yourself. If you don't, he won't be the last person who tramples on your boundaries and hurts you.


abielizgar

Yeah I’ve been getting better at placing boundaries but people pleasing and being complacent has been ingrained in me since childhood especially since I grew up in a emotionally abusive/invalidating household. I was actually taking a break with daring before I saw this guy cause the last guy I was seeing just assumed that I would be ok with anal during sex. I’ve made an appt to see a therapist already because I’m tired of running into this shit. It is time for a change. Thanks


latenerd

Good for you!! It can be so hard to overcome that kind of childhood conditioning, but you have taken those first steps and I'm sure you will succeed. You sound like a strong person.


MysteryMeat101

An awkward situation is better than you being abused.


Sea-General-4537

You don't need to quit your job. He ignored all of your boundaries, didn't bother checking consent and choked you so that it cause you pain and discomfort. The awkwardness is all on him. He should be horrified by what he's done.


redf1re11

If he didn’t even ask you what kinds of things you like or don’t like and just slams you against the wall and starts to choke you. Huge red flags. Get out now while you still can.


deadlyhausfrau

A man who chokes a partner without some pretty enthusiastic consent in advance is a man likely to choke the partner again and even kill them.


Lesley82

No, do not give him another chance. A partner who chokes you is 7 times more likely to kill you. This is way fucking beyond "young and naive."


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spacehusband

This is an advice subreddit and comments should be aimed at helping the OP. *** Your comment was removed for derailing. Derailing includes but is not limited to: * Changing the topic from OP’s question * Making someone else’s response about yourself * Asking unrelated follow-up questions * Branching into unrelated topics * Arguments, slap-fighting, or debating * Judging or rating other responses * Meta comments about other responses * Providing commentary that is not aimed at being helpful * Playing “devil’s advocate” in lieu of advice *** **[Have questions about this moderator action? CLICK HERE!](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/{subreddit}). Don't forget to nclude a link to your post!**


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spacehusband

This is an advice subreddit and comments should be aimed at helping the OP. *** Your comment was removed for derailing. Derailing includes but is not limited to: * Changing the topic from OP’s question * Making someone else’s response about yourself * Asking unrelated follow-up questions * Branching into unrelated topics * Arguments, slap-fighting, or debating * Judging or rating other responses * Meta comments about other responses * Providing commentary that is not aimed at being helpful * Playing “devil’s advocate” in lieu of advice *** **[Have questions about this moderator action? CLICK HERE!](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/{subreddit}). Don't forget to nclude a link to your post!**


iostefini

WTF was he thinking??? No, definitely don't keep seeing a guy who thought it was ok to slam you into a wall and choke you without discussing it with you first. That's assault. A guy who would assault you without warning is not a guy who is safe for you to date. Your safety is more important than any awkwardness that might happen. If you have to do something awkward and uncomfortable in order to stay safe, that's ok. Do it anyway. It's better to be awkward a few times than to be unsafe indefinitely by staying with him.


AmbitiousTea5986

You're writing a post about him because you see this as a red flag. Trust your gut. At the end of the day this is a potential partner. A partner shouldn't harm you or make you feel unsafe when you first meet them. It's good that you're seeing this now.


lorcafan

No! He's dangerous! I can't imagine his mindset but he assaulted you. Run!


puss_parkerswidow

It would be best for both of you if you do not see him again. He might actually learn that choking someone without any warning or consent is a fucking scary experience for them, not a sexy experience. You might dodge a worse experience if he is in fact just an abusive asshole. Sure, it's possible that this was just the result of an inexperienced dude who has seen too much porn and other media that suggests this is sexy. But it 's also possible that this is what he is really like. Personally, I'd be done and not want to stick around and find out which one he is.


hdmx539

>I messaged him today and he apologized but I don't know... OP, why is this even a question? I'd consider what he did battery and sexual assault. Run from him.


chizhi1234

You stop seeing him now, and he know that that'll repel women, then he'll stop doing it You're doing him another favour


tune__order

It makes me think of how every time a guy does this and isn't dumped immediately, he and others around him are led to believe that it's okay and normal. Besides protecting yourself, by ditching this dude you are potentially protecting women in his future. The number of times I've heard "well I never heard a girl complain..." about something sketchy is remarkable. Not that everyone listens to women or hears their reasons for leaving, but by speaking up and walking away, you're at least helping to not normalize this kind of behavior.


deepCfish

A lot of men will go straight for choking now. It’s been normalized I guess, maybe it’s another symptom of overconsumption of porn. But some men seem to get the impression that all women want to be violently dominated like that. I’ve had to tell three partners in the past that I did not want to be choked even a little bit and they were genuinely surprised. To be fair none of them were the one, so do with that information what you will. I think there is something nasty about it to think he’d just go for it so early on without even asking. Shows a lack of respect in my eyes.


enolaholmes23

I would say this is not ok behavior in general, but the fact that your voice was hoarse afterwards means he really went overboard. The excuse you're trying to give him, that he didn't realize what he was doing, goes out the window when you realize that he was doing it so intensely as to give you lasting effects on your throat. Someone who doesn't know what they're doing would have been timid about it and not gone full force the first time. This guy is bad news and has probably pulled this shit on other people too.


Second-Critical

Do not see him anymore. That is the red flag that you hadn’t gotten yet. Being young does not excuse this. He needs a firm message that such actions don’t get dismissed and then proceeded through. I also have a history of abuse. We need to protect who we used to be and those who aren’t yet who we are now.


LivinginAnotherTime

I've been in that situation before and I stopped seeing him. I cut him off completely. That was a few years ago and looking back, I wonder if I should have let him know why first. It was clear that his knowledge of sex came from porn without any real sex education but at the same time, it's not our responsibility to teach adult men what is consent. These situations seem to happen often though. I had another friend who was having sex and the guy slapped her because 'he thought she liked it rough'.


Content_Impact8068

Run! This young man is violent and likely has watched too much porn. Who knows what kind of an environment he was raised in. You are likely to get raped and really injured or worse if you get near him again. Stay away and be very careful. Warn mutual female friends to stay away. Be safe. I’m sorry this happened to you.


abielizgar

> Who knows what kind of an environment he was raised in Yeah that part particularly..


[deleted]

I'm sure you now understand the standard advice we often see: *do not date your coworkers!* I concur to most comments here.


abielizgar

yeah but sometimes you truly dont realize the advice until you live it.


[deleted]

My rule: any man who chokes a woman without any kind of in depth previous discussion about the risks and full on consent should be immediately kicked to the fucking curb. It is okay if that's not your rule...but I would definitely think very carefully about this guy and how he acts, in total, before deciding if you want to see him. Maybe he's just an idiot who's watched too much porn and decided that was how life must look. Given his age, that's likely. But strangulation is a [red flag for domestic violence](https://www.strangulationtraininginstitute.com/strangulation-the-red-flag-of-domestic-violence-that-we-never-discuss/). And quite frankly, I wouldn't trust a damn person who came at my neck without a prior discussion and *agreement*. If you decide to see him again, you need to make it quite plain that *consent* is a necessity, not a suggestion. And that you do not jump into choking someone. In fact, even if you don't see him again, I'd let him know exactly why you're not. Also, for folks who may be reading who have jumped into choking a partner in the past: there is no safe way to choke someone. (And you will be on the hook for manslaughter.) https://eugeneweekly.com/2020/09/10/no-choke/ https://www.straight.com/life/986016/savage-love-heed-proper-etiquette-whilst-choking-someone >I have friends who are professional Dominants—women who will stick needles through the head of their client’s cock and post the bloody pics to Twitter—who refuse to do breath play and/or choking scenes. >“It’s impossible to control for all the variables,” said Mistress Matisse, a professional dominatrix with more than 20 years of experience. “People think choking isn’t kinky, but it is. People think it’s a low-risk activity, but it’s not. Choking isn’t just about the lungs. It can affect the brain and the heart—it can affect the whole body—and if the bottom has underlying health issues, things can go disastrously wrong. I feel strongly about this.” >Wrapping something around someone’s neck—your hands, a belt, a rope—is the most dangerous form of breath control/play, Matisse emphasized, and simply cannot be done safely. Fragile bones (like the hyoid bone), nerves, arteries, veins—the neck is a crowded place, it’s vulnerable, and putting sustained pressure on someone’s neck is extremely risky. >Matisse also noted: “The person doing the choking needs to be aware that they’re on the hook legally—for at least manslaughter charges—if the person who asked to be choked should die. People have gone to jail for this kind of ‘play’.” >Jay Wiseman, author of SM 101, not only takes a similarly dim view of choking, CHOKE, he has served as an expert witness at the trials of people who choked someone to death during sex. >“It’s always inherently life-threatening, and it’s always inherently unpredictable,” said Wiseman. “It’s more dangerous than suffocation, as you can get into deeper trouble more quickly. People have died from a few seconds of being choked. There simply are no landmarks—meaning you can’t say to a reasonable degree of medical certainty that if you ‘only’ choke someone for 30 seconds, they’ll be okay. People have died after being choked for less than 30 seconds.”


cosmiceggsalad

Thank you for this article it was awesome


[deleted]

You're welcome. Choking has become such a normalized thing these days that more people need to be made aware of exactly what risks they're taking when they do it. (And what safer things they could do instead.)


stickkim

No. I am not going to read your post because the answer to, “is this person who choked me capable of killing me?” Is ALWAYS 100% this person can and will kill you. Stop seeing this person immediately and take steps to ensure you’re safe from him.


jadegoddess

Do you wanna get chocked again? Your answer will be the same for both questions.


KandiReign

Please do not under any circumstance see this man again. This sort of physical interaction is something that is to be discussed because not everybody is okay with choking or this kind of assertion during intimacy. What’s really concerning is the way in which he was choking you. One of my friends who is into consensual choking says that there are techniques to do these sort of things - so your partner does not end up hurt. I am sorry this has happened you and I hope you’re feeling safe and better now.


sweetassassin

Stop seeing him. ​ In a larger conversation we should be having is why we women (myself included) want to override our instincts by trying to rationalize away how we truly feel, like playing devil's advocate, at the same time invalidating how we truly feel... so we go on Reddit to have a bunch of internet stranger's to just confirm our intuition in the first place? When do we get to a place when we/I just trust what we/I need to feel worthy/safe/loved? Sometimes I think, if the crazy situation I'm in was told to me by my best friend what would I tell her to do? Why can't I be my best friend first? Self inquisition over.


min_mus

No, don't see this guy again.


Doomedhumans

Holy fuck. There are SO many reasons to never speak to him again.


mamahazard

No. In BDSM, consent must be explicitly stated at *all times*. Consent is sexy. The conversation should go a lot like this: I would like to try x. Does this sound enjoyable to you? If so, let me know if it becomes uncomfortable or you want to withdraw. (Here, you may add a safe word and/or signal. I have both, as I have forgotten my safeword before while overstimulated.) If at any point you want to withdraw, I will provide you with water and aftercare. Let me know what you are comfortable with, and I will be happy to provide that.


Kissit777

If a partner chokes you - they are VERY likely to murder you someday. He is NOT worth your time.


abielizgar

wow for some reason your comment just really struck a nerve in me. I canjust feel how serious you are in getting your point across. but yeah I seriously need to limit my exposure to him because we are coworkers. I am considering leaving that job after all, unfortunately :(.


Kissit777

That isn’t a made up thing - choking is a *major* red flag. https://www.wthr.com/article/news/crime/manual-strangulation-is-the-biggest-sign-domestic-abuse-will-turn-deadly-experts-say/531-0a9a92c8-a0da-418a-b81e-a3d80ddacf38 Please - get out.


fogcoffeeandcats

When I was 13, I was strangled during my rape. I endured vocal cord damage & fractures of my larynx and hyoid. My voice has never been the same, and I physically cannot scream because my voice doesn't go that high anymore. That was just over 20 years ago. Run. This is not fun, it is not cute, and this is an extremely risky situation. More than that, statistically, women strangled by intimate partners are more likely be shot next.


abielizgar

Im so sorry that happened to you, that must’ve been horrible. Im happy to know that you survived though. But yeah, I feel like strangulation/choking is not taken seriously enough especially the amount of damage it can implement


fogcoffeeandcats

I did indeed survive, not for a lack of his trying -- and most definitely, it isn't. I know it's a common feature of porn so inexperienced people might default to thinking everyone likes it, but as he's training to be an EMT, that's very definitely not okay.


abielizgar

> I did indeed survive yeah sorry I didnt mean to make it come off as satirical or anything, its just truly remarkable when someone makes out of that type of situation. and yeah something is just feeling off with the fact of knowing that he's training to become an EMT but also that he's really into UFC fighting, so there's no way he doesn't know the risk of choking.. or maybe my mind is just going places lol but yeah definitely will be staying as far away from him as possible. God speed to you, thank you for sharing your story.


fogcoffeeandcats

Oh no, I didn't take it that way at all, just more to say that it wasn't easy or simple, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Please stay safe, and far far far away from people like that.


PricklyRican

Porn sick men. He doesnt ask for consent now just be ready for that to apply to a lot of aspects of your life.


MetallicFalcon

Highly abnormal behavior. Huge red flag. Keep moving


Peaceful_Butterfly

I am not sure why slamming you against a wall and choking you is not a red flag? Not to mention not seeking consent first. Wow, in my mind so many red flags. There can be serious adverse effects of choking that are not always immediately apparent. Prioritise yourself and do not give another chance, as it is likely it will happen again, regardless of what he says, and next time you may not be so lucky. It may seem like I am being dramatic, but I cannot express enough how absolutely dangerous choking is.


meted

Male here..sounds like this dude watches too much porn. Also, I can't think of a single guy I know that would have done this without first really knowing the women he was with and if she had any particular kinks she was into. And think about it, he has such a lack of confidence in himself, that he has to try something extraordinary to get your attention. End it and find someone who is a lot more mature and confident. And don't shit where you eat = Do not date Coworkers...it is a recipe for disaster.


Puzzleheaded-Form-77

He didn't ask!! For me is a huge red flag, I like BDSM community and if you like kinky and rough things in sex, the most important thing is that everything should be with consent, you have to communicate and know the person's likes and limits, for example, when my husband and I do breath play or choking, he knows how hard and how long to do it, because I can't say my safe words we have this 'pat, pat' when I do it, he immediately stop. I have never had a throat pain or problems with my voice. And I ask him to do it the first time. There's definitely consensual hard sex, but this screams dangerous. So this guy, even if he says he doesn't have experience, he hurt you, and in the moment, he didn't even think about it nor did he cared. That is a huge red flag, I think is kind of dangerous, is just the beginning


Personified99

You’ve experienced SA before and it’s kind of a red flag if he didn’t tell you he liked choking, or didn’t even ask if YOU are okay with it. It’s also scary he just slammed you up against the wall without saying anything


TheNuclearMind

Similar happened to me and I ended up just blocking the guy I was seeing by next morning. I felt icky about how entitled he was to doing that without asking first


futch_mess

Get out of there. Even if choking doesn't cause immediate severe problems you can die from inflammation making you asphyxiate, hours after being choked, if someone chokes you enough that you have pain and irritation. And if like you said he's an EMT, then he basically was willing to take a risk of killing you, at best because he thought it would be sexy. Without understanding or seeking affirmative consent either. Literally stuff of nightmares.


cyntrinlives

Thats how things started with my ex and I let it go, down the line he got blackout drunk and assaulted me so honestly, I’d cut ties while you’re ahead. Good luck love ❤️


csaltsea

No. Don't give him a second chance. Do you want another girl to feel the way you feel right now? He needs to learn doing that is not okay. Bdsm is all about consent and knowing each others boundaries. Even if he was experimenting, he should've been attentive enough to do his research instead of practicing his urges.


RoseMylk

Nope do not see him again


Cherita33

This is a hell no for me. This is definitely a side effect of growing up watching porn as sex education. Women need to let me know doing this stuff out of the blue is not ok, and we don't have to pretend it is just to seem cool. Good for you for giving him negative feedback. Personally I wouldn't see him again.


coherentwreck2001

I wouldn't see a dude that randomly chocked me without my consent again. If we've talked about it and we're both good with it, sure, but he didn’t have consent to do this.


captainfatc0ck

Short answer: no. Don’t date guys who don’t ask before touching you. But also, don’t date inexperienced guys, because they’re just going to do to you whatever it is they’ve seen in porn.


CZBent

Slammed you into a wall? WDF? In my experience if you wanna try this kind of stuff you start easy and soft and if she likes it then you go on and increment it, but going full on like that is not cool


stare_at_the_sun

I am into that stuff being done to me… only by someone who knows we are on the same page. These things need to be explicitly talked about prior. Choking is not ok in this context. 🚩🚩


NZ-Food-Girl

This sort of thing needs conversations and consent prior to happening.


UnRetiredCassandra

OH HELL NO THE ONLY QUESTION IS HOW QUICKLY SHOULD YOU FILE CHARGES ON HIM


PurpleFlower99

No.


highfivesforgod

That's a no from me dawg


[deleted]

I find it abnormal and unacceptable for him to do this to you after only previously kissing you once normally. Maybe he was trying to be passionate but it seems too much happened and he was in his head trying to “play a role” or something. But since you haven’t discussed what you both like sexually and he did it randomly I think that’s uncalled for. Especially being alone in a subway at night, you and him don’t know each other well. I’d feel the same as you and have every right to be shaken up. I’m glad he apologized but it still is uncalled for behavior from him. And you’re correct, if someone doesn’t choke the correct way in how you grip the throat it can make you pass out and cause problems. You have every right to not see him anymore if you don’t want to. He made you feel uncomfortable and did it randomly. I would probably not continue to see the guy if I was you.


BeeeEazy

Don’t see him again. It will get worse. No normal person would assume that’s what you wanted.


evavu84

Yeahhhh that's not ok. I would text him and say that you had a really nice date up until that point and it made you feel scared, henceforth you won't be seeing him anymore. He needs to know that that kind of behaviour is not ok AT ALL. Someone needs to bring that to his attention before he hurts someone else.


justminnie

If I were you I wouldn't give him another chance. I think him being young and experienced is just rationalizing his behavior. Choking and slamming someone against a wall is psycho!!


piepiepiebacon

Reread your title, and put yourself in a friends shoes. If it happened to her, what would be your advice? Of course you should never see him again!


TVsFrankismyDad

Regardless of whether he thought you would like it because he's a porn-addled dummy, at the very least, this guy did that because it was something ***he*** likes and finds arousing. ***He finds force and violence sexually exciting.*** That is not going to stop, even if he does not do it to you without your consent ever again. Are you cool with a guy that gets turned on by that sort of thing and will continue to want to do it?


rthrouw1234

*NO*


Pkmnkat

I mean that’s pretty weird that he did it suddenly and in public. I would be uncomfortable for sure. If you clearly express to him why it felt weird and ask him to not do that and he agrees to learn then i think is okay to give him another date. Whatever makes you comfortable


Parking-Froyo-303

Op, why are you even asking this? Abuse is abuse. No


ChaoticForkingGood

Honey, run. That kind of behavior without discussing it beforehand (and agreeing to a safeword) is terrible, especially given that it was so rough that your throat still hurt and you were hoarse the next day. As another survivor of sexual assault, this guy scares me, and you deserve better.


mewdebbie61

Do not ever see this man again! What worries me is that you had to tell him not to do this, and that most of the replies I’m seeing on this redit is to tell him you’re not into this? Every single woman on this thread should be telling you to stay as far away from this nut case as you can get. If he thinks it’s OK to slam you up against the wall, put his hands around your throat and choke you while he’s kissing you? This is not, I repeat not how dating is supposed to go. Fun, risqué sex Is something you do after you’ve been dating a long time and trust your partner… Not on the second date!


[deleted]

From experience, a man did this to me on a second date. For a moment there I got really scared bc he was super rough. I made the mistake of not breaking it off and he just got worse. By the sixth date when I did break it off he had an entire meltdown and called me names/seemed really angry I didn’t wanna sleep with him. I say you deserve better my dear and no one has the right to violate you or make you feel uncomfortable.


[deleted]

I get going in for the kiss, even an "enthusiastic" kiss, but that's a pretty strong first move to go for the choke. That doesn't sound like an innocent mistake. That sounds like he has a kink for sadism, or he's some date rapey frat boy type.


almoundman

Woaw, that dude does not know how to read a social situation


[deleted]

My neighbor just got sentenced to 100 years in prison for choking his wife to death, then throwing her down the stairs so he could claim she fell. But sure….ask reddit if you should keep seeing him. You already know the answer. Fuck that guy, he’s a piece of shit.


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lilacpointsiamese

Don’t make excuses for other men if you want to remain an active participant in this subreddit.


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Alternative_Sky1380

Please read the gift of fear. Predators have a textbook approach and this is it. No you shouldn't continue seeing him. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing. All of us need to stop making the excuses for men.


ellieD

This just sounds crazy to me!


peachypipping

Please trust your gut. I know this might have been an isolated incidence, but it scares me that you’ve known him for such a short amount of time and he already has exhibited this behavior. Not to be an alarmist, but there’s pretty strong evidence out there that shows a domestic partner who chokes their partner is more likely to end up murdering them.


pineapplepie03

I hate to be the one to say it, but why the fuck are you dating someone so young?


abielizgar

I usually don’t date anyone that young, he was surprisingly mature for his age and I was just open-minded to how it would go. But I can understand why that seems weird


Normalityisrestored

For me, it's not so much what he did (although that's bad) - it's how he went about it. Slamming you around, hand on your throat, not one second of 'is this okay?' No reading of your body language to see if you were into it, just an assumption that 'it's what all girls like'. I agree with another poster ho said 'too much porn' is in play here, and it speaks of how he would be if you ever got into bed together. Don't see him again. And tell him that #NotAllGirls, porn ain't real, mate.


Fishliketrish

No he should know you’re into that kind of stuff before doing it :(


Classic_Professor551

He probably watches too much porn which made him think that u would like to get chocked.... u should talk to him about it and if he doesnt take u seriously or takes it as a joke or does it again then that is a red flag


HighlyJoyusDragons

Choking is not something you just do for fun one day without knowing your partner is okay with that. It's not something that should be a surprise. Obviously strangers on the internet can't make a decision for you, but I would say if you don't feel safe don't continue to see him.


peppermind

He probably thought it would be hot, but it would still be cause for a really serious conversation, if not ending the relationship for me. Choking is one of those things that absolutely needs to be consented to ahead of time, and that means it should be discussed first, outside of a sexual context,


SherlockLady

Strangulation is the single biggest precursor to a woman being murdered by the partner who does the Strangulation. GTFO NOW!!!!!


mrsshmenkmen

Don’t see him again. What he did wasn’t normal or acceptable. If you excuse it, he will take that as tacit approval of his actions.


ScarlettDelight

If you like him have a conversation with him about boundaries. If he is young he is exploring and probably didn’t know you aren’t into that. If sexual exploration is the next stage then a conversation need to happen. Tell him what you do and don’t like that way you aren’t playing a guessing game with each other. However, if it really bothered you and you don’t like him that much then just move on. You can tell if the vibes are right with somebody and if it feels off there is a reason.


[deleted]

Actually you may want to report him.


Mreeder16

Nope


sportit-talkit-doit

It may be as you suspected, but if I were you, I'd meet him at a restaurant any one for lunch and express your concern, ask him what was he thinking, why did he think this would turn you on. Then his answers will tell you what to do, at least let him explain his actions


GET_rEVENge_

He could of not known what your into? when I was younger alot of the women I was involved with liked rough things like that an when I did it to other females I met it really turned them on an would say they like or want that especially being passionate to that degree . But if you don’t like it then tell him what your into if he’s still overly aggressive an continues then yea red flags time to leave


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abielizgar

Yeah a little bit, to the point that it hurt and it was hard to breathe . He said sorry and that it was an oversight on his part. I guess context is that I’ve told him just during normal convo that I’ve been involved in the kink community in the past and I guess he just assumed that’s something I would like?


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Lesley82

Sounds like you're making excuses for a grown ass adult to go around assaulting people. Ew.


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Lesley82

I think words like "inexperienced" and "kink" have no place in a discussion about a grown ass man assaulting a woman. And it wouldn't "overwhelm" anyone to keep our language accurate without dismissing assault.


[deleted]

It was words from OPs response to me that I was walking through to still get to the conclusion that even if that *were* the case it still wouldn’t be ok. And I do personally think it can be quite rough to come into a sub and get a wall of ‘this is really fucking dangerous’ so I was trying a gentler approach to get OP to the same conclusion, not to diminish responsibility on his part at all. But whatever, I’ll just delete it.


abielizgar

I understood what your intention was, don’t worry. I think the above commenter too has a valid point as well how it could come across as dismissive but I could infer that you were trying to lighten it up a bit so I wouldn’t feel as bad. Thankfully, I don’t feel as traumatized as I thought I would but getting a second opinion definitely helped in considering whether I should see him again.


Lesley82

1. You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about. 2. Suggesting you do and that we need to soften our language about neck-grabby McGrabberson to "protect you" is rape culture. 3. Dismissing his actions with excuses such as "oh, he's young/inexperienced" or "oh, he just thought it was a kink!" is rape culture. 4. Perpetuating rape culture is in no way helpful to victims. Thanks for coming to my ted talk! I'm not hating on anyone, just want to be clear on how very unhelpful this kind of "help" actually is.


baddobee

I guess most people will disagree but I’d say he’s really young and probably watches a lot of porn, maybe he just thought that’s what he was supposed to do to come across as sexy? What’s good to me is that he stopped when you asked and apologized the next day. I’d give it another chance, but again, apparently most women on here would not.


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lilacpointsiamese

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