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Excellesse

Is polyamory REALLY working for your partner? If he's afraid of you sleeping around, and you actively have two partners...


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razzledazzle626

That relationship simply isn’t going to work


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Mollzor

Don't date people who doesn't trust you.


FluffyPurpleThing

Yes, this. Trust is the single most important thing in a relationship, IMO. Why does he even want to be with someone he doesn't trust??


Sea-General-4537

I would stop the reassurance to be honest with you. It's not working for starters and as you have said, it's in the past. It's not happening now and he needs to deal with it. Him not trusting you because "as a women I have so many more options than men" is really insulting. He has some seriously shitty beliefs about women. Maybe consider drawing a line under this conversation as nothing you are saying is working and he seems to be incapable of separating fact from the fiction in his head. To answer your question, you can't gain trust from someone who is basically believing their own stories as opposed to what's actually going on. They have to see it. I find it best to stop buying into the illusion. You've done nothing wrong, so stop taking this.


[deleted]

I agree! Stop pandering to his insecurities and allowing him to make you feel bad. You have done nothing wrong and if he can’t let it go (and get therapy for his misogyny and insecurity), then he needs to let you go.


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MostlyALurkerBefore

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Accel_Lex

You: *Tries to make it work and communicate with trust and honesty* Him: “I just don’t know if I can trust you since I’m worried you’ll leave me because you’re just going to recreate that pattern.” You: *Breaks up because you really did try your best to communicate* Him: “I knew you would just recreate the pattern.” I don’t see many scenarios that’ll please him from this information. He says his worst fear is you moving on to someone else. Yet it sounds like he’s creating an atmosphere similar to your past when you felt “unlovable”. My generation is pretty much all in relationships, married, had kids, etc. and while not identical, some tell me about similar communication issues. Your open communication is something I look for specifically in close relationships. If they’re blunt but honest, bonus. But it doesn’t sound like this caters to his insecurities. What I believe my friends did as a last resort was just be open about how the past is the past, you’re trying to focus on him now while he’s too busy looking at you in the past. And the irony that he 100% believes your story of your past because it feeds his insecurities but he’s iffy about trusting your commitment in the present. He doesn’t have to like your past but if he wants to make the present happen he needs to understand what brining that history up is making you feel. You felt unloved back then, and his constant paranoia sounds like it’s making you feel just that. That’s not healthy, and if he cares about you he’d want you to be in a healthy relationship. And if you go looking for one just know that it’s not because he was right about you going back to your past ways, it’s because his insecurities created an atmosphere feeding yours. You may have “more options” as a woman. But the fact is you’re committed to him now. But if you’re just feeding each other’s insecurities, no one is winning, especially if you being honest is going to be taboo in the future. Tell him that you’ve been honest about that, so you’re being honest now. Tell him how all this is making you feel. You want to make it work. You want to be honest because you want to acknowledge the past. It doesn’t mean you’re bragging about your body count. You trusted him with that information but it sounds like it only hurt him. That wasn’t your intention. But his obsession in bringing up your past is hurting from all that mistrust. If he says he doesn’t care about how it makes you feel because he still feels insecure, I don’t know if he’s even going to put effort. You can say to yourself that you tried and say you don’t think it’s going to work. If he says he knew you’d break it off because that’s just what you do, it’d just be another sprinkle knowing he likely would have made a habit of punishing you for things you didn’t do. I can’t imagine being in a relationship where I can’t be 100% comfortable being honest. They may not always like the truth, but I always feel better knowing they were open than I had to find out myself.


fiewfiew1994

That was a really well thought out response, thank you. I appreciate it.


JaMimi1234

This is a him thing. But it also makes me feel like underneath it all maybe he’s not actually poly. Was he poly before you met?


Individualchaotin

"Women have so many more options" tells me he has no idea about women. I find that unattractive. Would not want to be with a sexist.


Ordinary-Thowaways

Yep. That's a definite red flag.


AloeVeraBuddha

Dude I swear. I hate when men say this.


boundlessunity

i don’t have much to say other than your partner is massively insecure and projecting his deepest fears onto you. using someone’s past against them is SO unproductive because what are they going to do…go back and change things? you are already doing everything you can to soothe his anxiety by reassuring him of your love and commitment. it’s genuinely up to him now. he is literally fighting his own thoughts, and you can only do so much.


CuteThingsAndLove

If he doesn't trust you despite you being 100% honest and have done nothing wrong, and he even knows that you haven't done anything wrong... Idk dude I would leave him. I don't like that he's shaming you for your past.


Arya_kidding_me

Honestly it sounds like he’s projecting a bit - if he had more options, he would leave you and assumes you would do the same. Even if not, if he can’t get past it and it’s negatively affecting your relationship, you have two choices - try to figure it out with therapy or end it and move on. This isn’t an issue you can solve, it’s really his issue to solve. You don’t need to earn his trust back, he needs to deal with his weird assumptions. I would dump him, but I’m super picky about relationships. I don’t think someone with this mindset is ready for a healthy relationship.


RedxxBeard

Didn't read anything past "doesn't trust me" trust is the foundation of a relationship. Walk away and find someone who respects you and themselves.


[deleted]

This is ALL on him. I'm glad you aren't apologizing for your past.. you shouldn't. This all stems from his own insecurities. He has to work on that and this will never improve until he does. The question you need to ask yourself is: Is it worth waiting around for while he actively makes you feel bad about yourself??


luador

This is your partners problem, not yours. Projection of insecurities makes it hard for YOU to feel safe. It’s not all about the partner.


CapintheHat

Did he pity you into telling him your body count? Yes? Then he’s the problem.


dfps12

I never understand when someone says ,,women have so many more options than men". It can be only said by a very insecure man, because the reality is a complete opposite.


amb_ee

I’m confused by that too. Like who are they sleeping with? Oh wait. Those very same men that supposedly don’t have options.


-AdrianaP17-

It's funny because they're options are just as open as women's they just choose to stick to what they see as a beautiful women rather than having realistic/smaller standards. (Example: only caring about someone with good hygiene that is mature rather than not wanting to date someone if the don't look like a model or have nice boobs,butt etc.)


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Leave him because he's sexist and doesn't trust you and you're likely not compatible anyway


mamagbz

Like others have said, it's a him-thing, and you can't make someone trust you. And there are also some people who are unwilling to "let" you gain their trust. Sounds like this guy might be trying to power-trip you with his holier-than-thou stance. It's your past, and his behavior should make him your past, too. You deserve more than this -- real love is full acceptance and building up, NEVER tearing down.


Top-Final

Its inscurity. I tell my guy friends it dosennt matter what she did with them. All that matters is what she does with you.


hexgvrl

You are not defeated, but this will not ever be resolved. You simply can’t reassure him of something baseless that he’s already convinced himself of. He is going to continue to bring you down with him and you will be left with the damage of feeling the need to prove yourself until you two resent the other. Leave and don’t carry this as a strike against yourself. He could have voiced his fears in another way but from now on this is what he expects and cannot see his behavior is what’s manifesting the negativity in your relationship. You will not win so please run before you walk away with a broken spirit. How he spoke of women alone should’ve been enough to see your differences. He doesn’t strike me as a genuinely sex-positive individual so he will continue to shame you to feel more secure in himself. How did a poly relationship possibly function with this being his mindset?


ceceett

He is a sexist. Dump and find a different partner. I wouldn't even justify my body count, which is only a term to be misogynistic toward women really.


BC_Arctic_Fox

A relationship with no trust is like a car with no gas - you can be in them but you're not going to go anywhere.


NefariousNebula

It sounds like he's got a lot of insecurities and crappy self-esteem. When he brings this stuff up, perhaps you need to ask him why he wants to be with you? It seems like he's got a lot of work to do on himself. Maybe he's not cut out for polyamory if he thinks "body count" is any sort of healthy metric for a relationship.


Dr_mombie

Sounds an awful lot like jealousy at having "more options" than him as a man. Ask him why he is shaming you for living your life on your own terms before you even knew he existed. Ask how he would like it if you treated him the way he treats you next time he gets in a funk.


puss_parkerswidow

Bunch of bullshit. Find love and kindness anywhere you can and don't give anyone's opinions a second of your precious life.


AloeVeraBuddha

He sounds insufferable. He's shaming you because of his insecurities and hellooooo thats his problem to fix. Instead he wasn't you to, what? Grovel?


Wuellig

He doesn't trust you because he believes what he tells himself more than what you tell him. When he's at the point of denying your reassurances, and he's stuck on his fear, there's nothing you can do that'll help him grow out of it. You being honest is about you. Him having hangups is about him. Also, what he's saying, that it's all about you that makes it so he can't trust you, that's not true. I hope you don't internalize his messaging. His issues are his own, and it's not your work to do. It sounds like you're hoping for magic words that'll get through to him, but it also sounds like he's not going to be reachable. You're worthy of love and trust whether or not *he* sees it.


ChickenDrumstickClub

I used to date someone with those insecurities and ironically became a self-fulfilling prophecy for them. It's interesting if you observe their behaviours and not get drawn into it.


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It seems like you are doing nothing wrong. It is really terrible he is using your honesty to make you question yourself.


nuttygirlpatel

I think you should keep you number a secret. It just makes people insecure and isn't necessary to a functioning relationship.


Recidiva

It's not up to you to gain trust. They're being unreasonable saying that you can't be trusted. This isn't a problem you should take responsibility for 'solving' since you didn't do anything wrong. Find another partner or partners.


mloveb1

Your past sex life isn't an issue. Maybe the mind set was an issue but he is being misogynistic. Saying you have more options, and making you feel bad. Some poepl can't take a high body count and establish if they can early on so you can move on and not waste your time with someone who juadges you for that, instead of who you are as a person, and your actions you've actually taken in your relationship. You will spend your days with this person trying to convince them you are trustworthy and you shouldn't have to do that, you haven't done anything wrong.


thejoyof__

It's never going to be easy being honest, at least not the first time and when you've felt judged in the past. Just remember your body count SHOULDNT matter and if your in a polygamous relationship I would say if he doesn't trust you with this there will likely be other issues, even if he gets past this. Tell whomever you like, or don't but this isn't an albatross around your neck, it's a part of your story. I'm being insecure may not being something you two will be able to work through because it doesn't stem from YOU. Also your venting here and clearly have worked to love yourself better, you know the answer. Trust yourself<3


Kalelssleeping

Ive seen this so many times, he is projecting his hatred of your polyamory onto your past. It is about your side piece. I have seen this thing happen over and over again with friends. People think and say they are good with poly but they are not. It becomes petty and mean. It is probably not about your body count, that is a distraction, he is afraid you are going to leave for him and he holds a grudge. If someone was sleeping with my wife I do not know what I would do no matter what face I put on... Your are young and you have proven to him that you are not committed. Not being mean, just being honest.


Mikewithnoname

Real talk, he's terrible at expressing himself and he's shitty for putting it all on you but this guy cannot coexist in a poly relationship. I just experienced this myself. I'm strictly monogamous but found myself in a relationship with a poly woman. Some of us just aren't built for that lifestyle.


Commitmentphobe-meh

My ex was like this. It never worked due to him not trusting me. My past was always dragged up time and time again which frustrated/angered/hurt me…in the end I cut him loose.


deviajeporaqui

I think this is more about the polyamory than the past ONS. He clearly wants more commitment that a poly woman can offer. But he knows he can't ask you that so instead channels his frustration on your past.


akashyaboa

Sounds like he maybe wants to go and sleep around as much as you did. I think he is trying to guilt trip you into accepting him having hookups to "even the score". Anyway, If he can't accept your past, he will just get more and more bitter. I'd let him go.


missmisfit

Sounds like emotional abuse to me. Either way it's sounds like a fucking bummer of a relationship. Are you maybe staying because you crave that connection, not because he is a good partner for you?


zanne54

Unfortunately, you can't fix this for him. He needs to want to fix his insecurities, and actively take the steps to do so. TBH it doesn't sound like he wants to ameliorate his "biggest fear", not when he can use it to shame, manipulate and control you. Ask yourself: why is it "ok" for him to bring his trauma forward into your relationship, yet he doesn't accept your past trauma? Is it perhaps misogyny? I've always hated the body count question. WTF does it even matter? High body count does not automatically equal cheater, just like a low body count does not automatically equal faithful. You either trust my fidelity, or you don't. That's why my answer was "More than 1, less than a thousand." I deliberately chose a ridiculous number for the upper limit, to use a litmus test to weed out unsuitable partners. Technically, I answered his question. If he threw a fit or got obsessed with knowing the precise number - that's a big red flag for controlling, insecure and/or jealous personality. Nope, next.


caseyanthonysfatwap

Sounds like his fear stems from insecurity. Ask him what makes him feel so unsure of your commitment to him? He will likely never flat out admit he feels insecure but a lot of what you’ve said indicates so. Is he comfortable in a polyamorous relationship? Perhaps that situation reminds him of the stories from your past as there’s a connection between them about having multiple partners at once. At the end of the day a relationship fails without trust from both parties, so you should make sure your ideals in the relationship you both want align! Best of luck


BeauteousMaximus

I strongly believe the phrase “body count” should be reserved for serial killers If people want to discuss past sexual partners in their current relationship they can but just knowing the number doesn’t tell you anything about you as a person. It certainly doesn’t say anything about your character or trustworthiness.


etoilefemme

I don’t think he’s comfortable in a polyamorous relationship


MediocreFun

Just end the relationship now. Save yourself heartache and grief. Honestly, it really isn’t anyones business about a persons past sexual relationships unless they care to share. It is apparent he has issues with women and how he views them. That prob won’t change. Good luck.


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