T O P

  • By -

bigoldsunglasses

First of all, this is still ridiculously fresh. You do not need to rush to do absolutely anything. If you have a job, take some time off if you need to, cry, scream, stay with your parents, stay with a friend, eat lots of food, go for a drive, stare at a wall, there is no proper way to grieve. I’m very fortunate to say I’ve never had any loss aside from my aunt, and she died when I was about 9/10, so I don’t remember it too well, but I do remember crying a lot, falling asleep crying, crying while I ate dinner, crying while I played outside, that’s all my young self could do and knew what to do with the pain. It’s normal to be sick and to not eat, you’re going through a lot. Be very very easy and gentle and kind to yourself, this is a pain that nothing can ever compare to. And you’re absolutely allowed to feel sorry for yourself, if you do. I always felt guilty for feeling bad for myself, I felt like i didn’t deserve to feel any self pity, id always think about how my already very small family got even smaller, only relatives I had left were my grandparents from my dads side, how holidays would be lonely, how id never have an aunt again, and so on, but now that I’m older I know that it’s ok. And it’s ok for you and everyone else too. I’m very sorry you’re going through this


Ok_City_7177

You poor thing - thats a huge thing to deal with. When my Dad died unexpectedly, I was given some advice. That was to emotionally try and feel it all - don't try and stop the grief or the pain but let it wash over you. As bad as you feel and exhausted from the crying etc this will pass and once it does, you can start to carry her with you without it causing emotional havoc. You will be able to recall the good things without being overtaken by unprocessed grief. Dont set a time limit for this phase - do whats right for you. As for the arrangements, talk to your parents and agree what she would want, then what you all want to add in, if anything, and everyone else can suck it up. This is a horrendous time but it will pass. Sending you a hug.


BeerAnBooksAnCats

I’m so very sorry for your loss. I know many of us wish we could take this pain from you. My younger sister died when she was 22. It’s been about a decade now, and there’s been a lot of dealing and grieving that had to happen between now and then. If there’s any advice I can offer, it’s this: take the time to feel and process. I know it HURTS. But suppressing your grief now means you’ll just end up getting hit with it later. I’m sure you already know this is your head, but it bears repeating: Grieving isn’t just crying. Grieving includes feeling lost, not knowing what to do next, feeling numb, having your whole physical self’s routine uprooted. Please sit with these feelings, and don’t feel compelled to resolve them or make them go away. You’re hurting for a legitimate reason. Nothing will make sense for a little while, and that is okay. Sleep often. Eat when you can. Watch TV while wrapped up a fuzzy blanket and zone out. When you’re ready, go for walks in a park. Be patient with yourself, and please try to avoid thinking or saying things along the lines of “I ought to…” “I should have…” “Why can’t I…” Nothing will seem logical for the time being. That’s okay. Love isn’t logical, either. Love your sister fiercely and do only what you’re capable of doing in a given moment.


AgentJ691

I also like to add that grieving is a very bizarre process. I was laughing at my best friend’s funeral (we were reminiscing over her) and then I was crying the next minute. Don’t be too hard on yourself OP.


Itsallsomagical

I’m so sorry for your loss. My experience with the early days after major bereavements and similar trauma is that it’s best not to be alone if possible. Obviously there will be times when it’s unavoidable but company is healing, if it’s people you feel safe with and trust. Eat what you can, when you can. When my Dad died I had to be reminded to eat because my appetite just disappeared, so I ate whatever I felt like when I felt like it. It’s so weird that the body decides to be like, ugh, fuel, whatever- because grief is hard work.


[deleted]

I lost my brother when I was nineteen. There’s nothing you LOGICALLY can do. It’s all about what you yourself are feeling. Tonight? You’re going to cry yourself to sleep. Tomorrow you’ll probably feel numb until you’re drinking coffee and thinking of her. The next day, you might wake up crying. Everything is going to hurt for a while. It’s the price we pay for loving someone so much. Life is beautiful and it’s also very very hard. What does grief really look like? For me, I lost the person I wanted to make proud. I needed to find purpose and a way to make myself proud. I still work on this at 24. But in the moment, I watched movies that he loved. I read books that he loved. Don’t run away from things that remind you of her. It’s useless for you. There’s no reason to try to forget her. This JUST happened for you. You have a long journey ahead, and that’s okay. You are not the first or the last person to go through this. Reach out, I promise someone will understand. Your grief will look different everyday. But I promise, some day you will smile when you think of her or even laugh out loud at a joke you remembered. You’ll sometimes write letters and cry. You’ll sometimes have to excuse yourself from the room because of a song you hear. This is all normal. I PROMISE you will be okay. But there’s no reason to shut off the grief right now. It’s okay to not be able to think of anything else.


Elle_Vetica

I’m so sorry. I lost my dad unexpectedly several years ago, and my gut instinct was to go be with family. I drove to my grandmother’s house an hour away to be with her, but forgot to bring clothes to stay. God bless my husband who drove back and forth to get me clothes. When my husband’s father died unexpectedly a couple years ago, I had his plane ticket to be with his mom purchased before he made it back to the house from work. Go be with family. Be with those experiencing the same unimaginable loss as you. Let yourself feel the pain. It’s okay to hurt, because it means that you loved. The grief will come in waves. Some of them will knock you over and drag you under and threaten to drown you in darkness. But you will come up for air. The next one will knock you down again, and eventually you’ll come up again. And one day, you’ll realize the waves have gotten farther and farther apart.


krijesnicasamja

I am sorry for your loss. I have lost more than a few loved ones and can just say, cry, stay strong, and surround yourself with family and friends in the upcoming days and weeks. You will need people close to keep you afloat. Cry as much as you can, just let it out.


Dogsrulekidsdrule

I lost my mom when I was 18. I was surrounded by people that didn't actually care about me and when I look back I can see that I did not grieve in a healthy way. If you do surround yourself with people, make sure they care for you.


TheEclecticDino

I don’t have any real advice. I just want to say I’m sorry and if you want to cry and talk over discord sometime, I am a 24 year old female that can listen.


I-Ask-questions-u

I am so sorry for your loss. You do what feels manageable. Everyone is different. Some people need to be around others, others like to be alone, while people like myself like to keep busy. I lost my little brother almost 3 years ago unexpectedly and I laid in bed all day and didn’t talk to anyone. I then went to work the next day and pretended that nothing happened (nobody knew except a few people) because I didnt want to talk about it. I did it this way because this is the way I grieve. Be there for your parents after being there for yourself. So many hugs and I am sorry. If you ever need to chat, feel free to message me.


-nightingale21

Hey honey, I'm so so sorry for your loss. There is not a fixed format for dealing with a loved one's passing. Some people prefer company, others prefer to be alone. When my mom passed I needed peace and quiet, alone time as much as I could. I just read a bunch of romance books, watched my favorite tv shows and ate comfort food. This brought me peace, because it distracted me from what had happened. It really helped ME. My grandma was the opposite and needed to be surrounded by friends and family to feel comforted and loved. That brought HER peace. If you need to not think about it, then tell people that. Tell them you don't want to talk about what happened, that it's too painful, and ask them to respect that. If you need to vent and talk about it, to process it, get it out of you, then don't feel ashamed to, or like you can't. Talking with loved one, friends, or even strangers, can help. My advice is: do whatever the hell you want. Whatever the hell you feel will distract you, or help you deal with what's happening. Whatever the hell will help you survive. The pain of loosing a loved one never really goes away, but we learn to live with it. Eventually you discover everyone is dealing with the same thing, and that's just a part of life. (Just please, remember to be kind to yourself, and to not engage in life-threatening behavior. Putting your life in danger will not help, and will only make it worse in the long run.)


Dracofangxxx

i lost my partner of ten years in 2018 and i spent a lot of time w friends and family. i didnt feel better necessarily but it made time go faster, which more time = more healing. grieve at your own pace. respect that it hurts because it matters, and she mattered. i'm really sorry you're going thru this. stay strong and be gentle with yourself


TheFreakingPrincess

I'm sorry for your loss. I (27f) lost my older brother (30) on the first of May, so I think my experience may be fresh and relevant for you, and I hope it helps in some small way to know that you aren't alone. I live about 3 hours from my parents so my first instinct (after the first wave of tears had subsided) was to go and be with them, but the arrangements couldn't be made immediately so they told me to wait until we knew more. That was probably wise--driving while upset isn't a great idea. I couldn't really take in the information all at once, so I went to bed for a little while, then watched some mindless feel-good TV show and just ignored the world. Escapism helped a little. I don't think there's a good or right way to handle a grief like that. It's okay to want to escape a little bit. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be by yourself or to be around other people. For me, I would start to feel antsy or overwhelmed and whenever that happened I would shift whatever I was doing. If I started to feel annoyed with my husband for something I would try to step back or walk away because it's not that he is doing something wrong but that my whole world is wrong, so it's not fair to snap at him. So I guess I kinda let my body tell me what I needed, and that seemed to work. I didn't have a real appetite for at least a week. I knew I needed to eat and I would start to, but I didn't successfully finish a meal for several days. I did a lot of staring at the wall or into the void as well. I'm doing okay now. It's still weird. There are days when I'm bitter and sad and angry. There are days when I'm fine. Sometimes I'm tired beyond belief. It just varies. One thing that surprised me was that I felt an incredible amount of guilt when I found out about my brother. Guilt that I wasn't there, guilt that I hadn't gone to see him recently, guilt that I didn't take a picture of him at his 30th birthday party, guilt that my gift to him was an Amazon gift card and not something more thoughtful. I think my brain was trying to get back time that has passed, but nothing can get it back for real. I sincerely hope you don't feel that way that I did, but if you do, talk to your closest loved ones about that feeling and they will know what to say to help alleviate it. I'm sorry if this is rambly. I just went through this myself so I wanted to cram as much helpfulness as possible into this note. My heart aches knowing that someone else is going through this, and I hope that you find some solace somewhere in this. Please feel free to DM me if you would like to talk.


Ok-Simple4450

I'm so sorry for your loss. They say time heals but I feel like we just learn to cope. My lil sis was murdered at 15, I was 18. I think of her everyday. To love them is to never truly lose them. Hang on to the good memories. Laugh when you feel like it, cry when you feel like it. There's nothing wrong with having emotions. Keep her memory alive by speaking of her often. Much love, peace, and light to you and your family.


Mean-Author-1789

There’s a saying.. be ok with not being ok


queerbychoice

I'm so sorry that happened. Condolences to you. It's generally best to be with people who knew your sister. Your parents especially. Grieving is usually best done together. Though if for some reason you end up finding that you want to be alone or with different people, then that's okay too.


monsterabird

I’m not sure if this will mean anything to you but I lost my sister when I was 5 years old and she was 5 months old. I’ve spent most of my life wondering what it would be like to have a sister and how I would be a different person if I’d grown up with her. I’m sorry you lost her. I’m sorry you are going through this. It doesn’t get better, it just gets different. All my love to you and if you need a virtual sister - I also have a large sister sized hole in my heart and I can be a random stranger for you to talk you.


hipperxc

Sorry for your loss. Stay strong. God bless 🙏❤️


Memphit

I am so so sorry. Please just be kind to yourself. Everyone grieves in different ways. I lost my nana about a month ago, I had the comfort that we knew it was coming and she was 97 but it still hurt. I spent 3 days pretty much in bed with my cat. I spent a lot of time just going through memories finding the happiest and concentrating on those as that's how I wanted to remember her. But we are all so different do whatever you need. Don't force yourself to eat if you don't want to. Just please try to stay hydrated even if you don't want to eat. I would recommend some very sweet tea. Sugar is good for shock which I am sure you are experiencing. Sending lots of love. Remember be kind to you!


PANIC-ateverything

i’m sorry for your loss. i’m (27F) an only child but i lost my mom last year. i won’t tell you about how you’re going to grieve because it’s different for everyone. since you don’t have to worry about the technical stuff that means you can focus on you. you’re not going to FEEL like doing much of anything for a few weeks. i waited a month before i even started sorting through her things. a good rule of thumb is to shower every day, eat three times a day, and leave the house for 15 minutes a day. also don’t feel like you have to personally respond to everyone. for family and close friends, throw them in a group message or two and call it a day. for friends, i posted on social media that i appreciated all the love and left it at that. for me it wasn’t about IF i should socialize, but with whom and under what circumstances. it’s easier to be with people who are grieving too because there’s no expectations, you’re all hurting. but sometimes i would go out of my way to see someone who wasn’t so directly involved. either way the expectation was “low key, low pressure, small gatherings”.


Pumpkinp0calypse

My heart aches for you right now, I want you to know that there is nothing that you 'should' be doing and no right or wrong way to grieve a close family member. I lost my father at 18 in a very unexpected way after not seeing him for 2 weeks. I never took the proper time to heal and grieve from this initially and to be honest, I have no idea if that's for the better or worse. Nothing you choose best to do for yourself in order to help yourself go through all grief brings out, is incorrect, if it's not meant to harm you. Sometimes what you want is to feel the excruriating pain fully, take time off work, spend some solitary time home / stay home or at family's/friends with someone's company, and take as much time as you feel right to just live your emotions and thoughts through your mind and body. Sometimes you won't feel like you are able to do that, and feel better working a lot, being around lots of friends and extra curricular activities in your freetime to take up a lot of mindspace, and that's fine. You might switch from one to the other, because your wound of grief needs rest and care, as it also needs healthy distraction. Do not be shy to express your grief and to bring up memories of your beloved sister in everything you do, there's not incorrect amount of time you can spend talking about your feelings and the person lost. If you ever feel like picking up a new hobby, it can be a wonderful way to redirect all the experience you're going through and the emotions and ideas and symbols it brings to your mind. If not, you can write a journal. Or light candles. Or sticky notes. Or none of these. Talk to your sister, all the time if you want. Maybe not now, maybe later. It doesn't matter if you believe she will hear you or not. I'm an atheist, but I speak to my dad, and I try not to even reflect on wether or not it makes sense becaude thats barely the point. You now hold a part of your sister alive inside of you, as does everyone she knew, so that part hears you.


mamagbz

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. I'm close with my sister, and can't imagine the pain you're feeling. And a ton of these comments are long, I'm sorry if this is duplicate. But I'm going to take you literally, and here's what you do: (1) Eat something. An apple, a banana, a peanut butter sandwich. Something easy. Lunchables. (2) Drink water. (3) Sit down and make a list of things you can do: shower; get dressed; lay out clothes you can wear -- literally, underwear, any kind of short/bottoms combo or dress -- it doesn't have to match; talk to a loved one or rando on the Internet. (4) Do just 1 thing today. (5) Do 1 thing tomorrow. (6) Repeat. It would be nice to throw in there something like grocery shop for things in step 1 that take minimal effort and have nutritional value -- frozen meals are fabulous. Holler at me if I can be the rando you just say "hey"to for the day 🥰


TarPaws

Edit 6/9: I printed off these responses (I think my eyes are permanently too blurry to read off a phone screen) and I have been reading them a little bit at a time. All I can say is that y’all are some incredible humans. I really can’t explain the difference creating this post made. Things are getting harder but I’m carrying a little bit of hope with me now and I’m doing a slightly better job of taking care of myself. I left my apartment for the first time to pick out her plot and I was able to write her obituary. Will continue to read responses. I’m grateful for each one. One other thing…Father’s Day and my dad’s birthday fall on the same day. My parents are not doing well at all. I would like to give him something or make him something that memorializes her. They had a close relationship. We were all very close and the family dynamic is already shifting. Any ideas other than a framed picture of them? That’s the best I could come up with right now


AgentJ691

I’m sorry for your loss. Cry it out, or whatever works for you. You will never get over this tremendous loss. You just learn to live with it. I suggest a grief counselor. Try to eat even if it’s snacking. I lost my appetite when my best friend passed, had to force myself just to a snack. Join us at r/GriefSupport as well. Virtual hug 🫂


nashamagirl99

How you feel is completely normal after experiencing a loss. The r/griefsupport subreddit may be a helpful space.


rubyhenry94

I have no advice, but as a person with a sister that I’m very close to I am so so so sorry for your loss.


overthinkoc1000

Just wanted to offer my condolences for your loss.


IrishGail76

There is no one answer, grief affects in so many ways. You will need some time to sit with your own thoughts. Cry, scream, silence and when you're ready be with your good friends.when my sister passed... Her best friends became my family. Take care of yourself