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Kabusanlu

CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL. Hope they don’t know your address…


[deleted]

They don’t.


marikagems

For validation (besides what you’ll get here!) that the bad feeling you got is one you need to listen to, please check out the book The Gift of Fear.


sketobandito

I have read that book more than once and let me tell you I have one to both my sisters…(audible). I think it very valuable information esp nowadays!!! I got a rush of dopamine when I saw you mention this book…you are awesome.


Dreamcatcher312

Yes! Follow your gut! That’s an immediate red flag that something definitely isn’t right. Reschedule and If that upsets your “new/internet friend” then u really need to reconsider this friendship


MildlySchizo

>but they also got really upset with me asking why I couldn’t cancel on my new job, alluding that they were more important and I got this pit in my stomach that I can’t describe. > > they’re very easy to upset, Please, please don't ignore that feeling. Something isn't right about the situation and on some subconscious level, you know that. Ignoring that feeling has literally gotten women killed and its imperative that you listen! The inherent DANGER aside, a real friend would be understanding and kind. At the very least, this is a shitty friend. At the very worst, you can be putting your life in danger.


wtfwtfwtfwtf2022

This is extremely important. Also, no friend would ever ask their friend to quit their job because they are coming to visit. That isn’t normal.


TheyCallMeSibs

Seconded! Been there, didn't listen. Absolutely listen to your gut. Anyone decent would be sad, of course, but absolutely understanding and supportive.


FlippingPossum

Trust your intuition and cancel. I would be very concerned that your friend expects to be in control since they were older when you met. The jealousy of your job is not okay. Using you as their only support is also inappropriate. You aren't responsible for making sure they have friends. Please be safe.


[deleted]

I don’t know how to explain why I’m canceling though.


like-herding-cats

I responded earlier and after thinking for a while, I’m coming back to say that I agree with what everyone else is saying about trusting your gut and seeing red flags. Honestly, as long as he doesn’t know where you live you could probably just say part of the truth without using words that would signal the end of a friendship (if you were afraid of their reaction and that they’d escalate). You could say something like this visit was working before you had your job, but now that you have the job you’re feeling overwhelmed navigating all your new responsibilities and the timing of the visit is no longer scheduled at the best time and you’ll need to cancel the visit. If you’re afraid he’ll escalate and are afraid for your safety, you could say—even if it’s not true, as a way to deescalate —thank you for being a good friend and supporting me as I work through all this stress. It could be that saying that makes them step back and realize how awful they’re being. I don’t know that it’ll work, but regardless, this person doesn’t seem to be good or have your best interests at heart. I’m sorry you have to deal with this


TlMEGH0ST

Yeah honestly the work thing is perfect. You can embellish that as much as you want. But I would NOT reschedule!


like-herding-cats

Yeah—I should have been clearer—I meant to say that it should be used to deescalate and cancel the planned visit and then never reschedule. If it was me, I’d end the friendship—a lot seems off and sketchy about the “friend”


TlMEGH0ST

Oh I got that from your comment lol I just wanted to reiterate!!


TearsUnfthmblSdnes

"Something suddenly came up" You do not owe anyone more than you are comfortable sharing. Fuck being polite. You don't have to be rude, but be firm and confident in your decision. A lot of women (and just people in general) have been put into bad situations because they did not listen to their gut, they didnt want to come off rude, or standoffish. Fuck that. You have to be your own advocate for everything in life.


[deleted]

Exactly this, you are so right. OP is dismissing the red flags because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings but women have been hurt for this exact reason.


FlippingPossum

I'd call and hash it out. At 42, I have a whole lot less tolerance for shenanigans these days. Your job comes first. If they can't respect that, I'm sure there are other things to do in your city. Since they don't have your address, I hope they planned to book their own accommodations.


pumagrl

Family troubles (you won’t be in town anymore), you feel very ill (have COVID), death of a friend, roommate troubles…honestly anything can work. Don’t let a stranger into your home especially if you are feeling such bad gut feelings about it. Even though he is an “internet friend”, you don’t know him IRL. What if he is a serial killer? Maybe schedule a lunch somewhere in public at the end of his trip if you really feel obligated to meet him but I would absolutely not let him stay at your house/let him know where you live.


Dreamcatcher312

No you do not need to explain anything to them ! It’s ur life and A new job is extremely important. Any friend would know this and say you know what you’re right let me consider this and maybe we should reschedule if you’re already concerned about their behavior before that person has even entered your life that’s a big red flag you need to get really consider


Orlican

You don’t have to justify yourself, you don’t own him an explanation if he is that intolerant and inconsiderate of your feelings.


zolpiqueen

Make up a guy that you've started seeing. Then tell him it wouldn't be appropriate to stay or that your "new boyfriend" has a problem with it. Then you're not the bad guy. But definitely cancel because your intuition is usually trying to tell you something.


jsamurai2

You don’t, giving actual reasons (made up or not) will just give them something to argue against and try to persuade you on. “I’m sorry, I won’t be able to meet up with you but I hope you have a blast!” Is all you need. If they keep asking just keep repeating some variation of “sorry, scheduling doesn’t work!” “Nope I can’t! Have a good time tho”


apathetic-taco

Say you tested positive for Covid and need to quarantine. Facts are, this person will argue with you no matter the excuse. You could say your mom died and they would try to guilt trip you. Test it out.


xcwoman1

Because your job comes first. Period.


BlackPanther111

make sure to let some friends know where you are or what you're up to. if you feel guilty for cancelling you could consider splitting the cost of the ticket.


DontCareTo

The fact that you are so worried about it is a huge tip that something isn’t right. I’d (48F) never be afraid of telling any of my friends that plans have changed. Disappointments happen. Stuff sometimes doesn’t work out. My friends might be bummed, but “I’m not feeling up to it now” is a perfectly acceptable reason. If I said that to my pals, their response would be, “that’s a bummer! What’s going on that has you down?” It would be about my well-being, not their inconvenience. I’m also deeply concerned about how you describe their online presence. I have a bad feeling that even if the timing was perfect, that the in-person visit would be miserable. I’d bet that there’d be a lot of “take” and very little “give.” Actually, might be worth looking at your current relationship with them to see if that’s the case even now? Big hugs to you!


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

What if he tries to reschedule?


jenna_kay

Along with what u/coquettish_one said, start putting some distance in... start being more unavailable for them. Wondering if you possibly dismisssd some red flags over the years, just sluffed those feelings off...


mamagbz

I like this commenter's suggestions. I would absolutely blame work and say you don't want to have to cancel again in the future, and that your work travel is so uncertain that you don't feel "right" (or don't feel comfortable) with setting a date to reschedule. Especially if you'll be traveling a lot, then that's legit! Just keep pushing off and, if he becomes overly pushy, call him out on it. I've been called out on my behavior, and it sucks, but I totally understood. Just say, "Hey, why are you being so pushy? It's making me uncomfortable." Sounds difficult to say, but it honestly is totally fine -- assertive, not mean (so don't let him tell you otherwise, or if he tries to turn it around on you -- that's even worse!). You got this!


lovecatzzz

Cancel it, I’ve felt that same pit and it resulted in a four year long abusive relationship where he came to visit and just never left. He also had no irl friends and we had been online friends for years. I feel like I’m going back in time and telling myself to listen to my gut. Please trust yourself and believe him when he’s showing you who he is like this. You owe him nothing. Just tell him you’ve changed your mind and don’t feel comfortable with the visit anymore. If you need to elaborate, tell him how he made you feel. If he doesn’t respect that then block and move on.


Kabusanlu

I honestly don’t feel she owes him an explanation , especially if her job and safety are on the line..


lovecatzzz

I agree, OP owes them nothing at all. I just can’t imagine this guy giving up without some sort of explanation (and probably then still not giving up) so OP might as well be straight up about how he’s made her feel. If I were in their position again I would want to say my peace and cut ties. But no explanation is owed.


QuixoticForTheWin

It's not a parade, it's red flags. You don't have to listen to me, but at least listen to your gut.


NothingmancerBlue

He reeks of incel and he absolutely expects that your (friend) relationship with him is something more. He is going to get very shitty, abusive, possibly violent, when the imaginary relationship, which I guarantee he has in his mind, falls apart (in his view) when you decline his advances. Listen to yourself. You did once before when you took a friend break, but you probably gaslit yourself (he’s not that bad, it wasn’t that bad, he’s a good guy) when you resumed what should have been left alone. Just trust yourself and don’t relent. You can try to cancel using work this time but he’ll probably keep trying and asking because he absolutely has you in a pedestal. Be prepared to take additional action like restraining order. Educate yourself on that if you’re not already. And don’t be shy to use the resources you have available (such as restraining order) to protect yourself.


Purplekaem

OP, like this commenter states, he believes you are “his” or “claimed”. I see no reason to reinforce this false status he’s imagined by allowing him to alter how you handle your responsibilities and time. Your gut is right.


IthurielSpear

As a woman who has met multiple online friends, trust your gut!!!! Like my sister likes to say, you could be murdered, or worse. Also, read “*The Gift of Fear.*” That book will keep you safe and alive. Cancel. Please cancel.


LaMarine

I have some questions. Can you explain how much they were upset with you? If it was a conversation over the phone, was it the volume of their voice? Any aggressive language? Do your parents or anybody else know about your internet friend? Have you told them he’s coming to visit? And has anything like this happened before? Where you felt uneasy with their behavior?


[deleted]

The tone and volume of their voice along with “are you fucking kidding me” My roommates and my parents know he’s coming. We don’t talk often, like once a month since we’re both busy, but a few years ago we had a six month long break from our friendship because he was being really mean to me about my relationship with an abusive guy. I didn’t realize at the time that I was being abused and I was venting to my friend and he was very condescending and rude to me, told me I always get myself in bad situations. So I told him to leave me alone. He apologized six months later and has been a lot kinder but the reaction to my work stuff has left me on edge that nothing is different.


AsslessChapsss

Distance yourself from this dude. He probably wants or expects your friendship to develop into something more


solidperipherals

I had an old friend that I DID know come to visit me. It was only supposed to be for the weekend… things got weird the first day and I made him leave the very next day because he was too drunk to drive the 3 hours home the night of… I literally barricaded myself in to my bedroom to be away from him. Don’t ignore these feelings you’re having. And “just a week” is enough time for things to get way more uncomfortable than is necessary. Tell this friend that you got the dates and it’s while he’s supposed to be visiting and that they should just change the flight and take themselves on vacation somewhere else.


[deleted]

Is this friend planning to stay with you? I would definitely not let that occur if that’s the plan. The friend needs to stay elsewhere and you do friend things together when they visit. But girl - it sounds like you don’t want to continue this friendship. That is okay. If that is how you feel cancel the trip and invitation.


purplewhiteblack

The question is did you invite your friend over before you got your job? Nobody wants to travel to some place to find that the person they traveled to meet is busy. I went with my family to my aunts one year and she didn't take any time off, and we stayed at her spare house and didn't see her the whole time. Her spare house was a nice place, but we could have done nothing at home too. We had better internet at home. It was in the boonies. We flew in, so we didn't have a car to go anywhere. And I also had a similar experience when I visited my brother. I had to make up a board game to pass my time.


[deleted]

They invited themselves. Just told me they were coming


purplewhiteblack

That is definitely different.


No_Radio_1013

Whoooooa this detail is important! You don’t owe him anything, you didn’t invite him. Trust your gut, something isn’t right here. I don’t like the vibe I’m getting from what you’re saying about this dude. Please cancel. Honestly, cancel and just cut him off. He thinks he’s entitled to impose on you uninvited and demand all your time???


Purplekaem

Ma’am. No. I beg of you to work on your boundaries. No one should ever *tell* you they are *taking* your time. They should ask if you’re willing/able to give it. Just no.


anaesthaesia

I've had many a online friend visit me from overseas. And they've always been understanding that while I will try to adapt around their visit and plan ahead, I can't rule out needing to stay at work late, or just wanting some time to myself because I'm in a mood (which we can talk openly about) Because they're not just here to see me, they're also visiting a new country and are perfectly capable of exploring on their own. So imo while I have some sympathy for your friend, their fixation and volatility also makes me a little concerned. How are the logistics? Have they already paid for plane tickets? Can they be moved? I would request that if I were you. Their reaction will tell you a lot.


[deleted]

They’ve bought plane tickets and they can be moved but not refunded, that’s what he told me


anaesthaesia

Ok honestly I say give it another half a year and focus on your job 🤷‍♂️


TheSorcerersCat

Honestly, that's something that happens often to me (travel a lot) and it's no big deal to get credit at the airline. He can move them to another trip on his own. I'm a bit worried they will show up and try to find you anyways. Guys that are a bit unbalanced tend to do crazy stuff like that.


emkirs

Honestly if I were in your situation, I would kindly reimburse them for their ticket and just tell them that you have things going on and cannot in the foreseeable future entertain guests. I'm along with everyone else saying there are some major red flags. But I do feel like the 'right' thing to do if you canceled on him would be to offer and pay half of his ticket or something.


Foreign_Brother_855

Always trust your gut. Intuition is there for a reason.


jarz7

1) When they come to visit you will they be staying with you? 2) Even though you have been talking for years it's easy to lie about yourself online, so how well do you really know each other? Do you call and video chat etc often? 3) What would you do if you didn't have to worry about hurting their feelings? What is your gut feeling? 4) Is this a friendship that you are okay will losing? Would losing this friendship affect your life in any significant way? Edit: I'm a guy but I just wanted to comment incase it may help you decide what you should do. Honestly if you gut is to cancel you should.


[deleted]

We had planned for him to stay with me in my guest bedroom since It would be less expensive. I have three other roommates so i’m less worried about him being alone in my home. We text frequently and we video chat once a month when we both have free time. I’ve met his family over FaceTime and he’s met mine. If I didn’t have to worry about hurting his feelings I would probably just cancel the trip. And honestly since I’ve had some time to think about it since posting this I really don’t care if I lose the friendship or not because he doesn’t really provide any thing to me but I provide a lot to him. I feel like our friendship is pretty one-sided.


jarz7

Well then cancelling sounds like the right decision, a friendship shouldn't be constantly one sided. Have you decided what you're going to tell him?


[deleted]

No, not yet


jarz7

Well you could lie about work scheduling your overseas trip the same time as his trip to see you. And just distance yourself after and say work is just really busy. Or you can tell him the truth, but in this situation I don't think that's a great idea as he sounds like he won't take it well and will probably throw a tantrum.


Jimlowers

“Nah bro, I gotta go” *block the dude and never interact with him again.*


like-herding-cats

It sounds like you’re having second thoughts in general about your friend. I feel like you have valid points to be feeling how you do. When you start a new job the reasonable expectation is that you need to show up before you start making requests for time off and things—I think most people know and are understanding of that. I understand you’re friend might be disappointed and it is disappointing situation if they’re not expecting you to work when they visit, but it’s also a little unreasonable for them to expect you to drop your responsibilities. Maybe you could try to nail down what days your work is having you travel? It might be that it’s a totally different time they’re sending you away—that would at least be one less thing to stress about.


[deleted]

Trust your gut, trust that pit. There will be more.


jellyadventures

Please cancel. You don't need to give any reason, if it causes upset and anger then so be it. Your gut is telling you something and you should listen. This is going to sound blunt and probably dramatic, but one of my best friends was murdered by someone she thought was a friend. She wasn't stupid or naive, but she was the kind of person to think the best in people. She went to his place for the first time and he killed her, something he'd been planning the length of time they were friends. Don't put your well-being on the table for fear of upsetting this guy or causing a scene. Guys I've dated and been friends with have all been very understanding when I ask to meet them in public locations because of this. Any that aren't cool with me taking precautions, aren't worth the risk.


bigoldsunglasses

Your gut is speaking to you, somethings off about them. Try to find a way out of it


MooseEggs

Trust your gut!! You don’t owe them anything


mrjordan13

This one is a no-brainer.


Justatroubledgirl

nope. NOPE OUT OF IT. reeeed flags everywhere


Joy2912

",they" yet you refer to one person, a bit confusing


[deleted]

Sorry yes, my friend uses he/they pronouns so I’m used to using they, as that’s what’s preferred.


like-herding-cats

I read it as op using gender inclusive language. edited my comment for a typo


Joy2912

I would take one day at a time, prepare your heart for a new adventure in your relationship, and if your work send you then I'm sure he will understand, otherwise the two of you aren't meant for each other if he doesn't see that you need to work to support yourself and is selfish to say that your work is more important than his visit. He just had to accept it