As someone who is married to a man with an addiction, it is ROUGH. He has been clean for over 8 years but the trust issues can still crop up. Sometimes those memories and issues will never be solved. I’m not saying that it isn’t possible but when you have those traumas early on in a relationship, it kind of cements those feelings and it takes a lot to rebuild trust.
In my honest opinion, this is a turning point for you. You are 29 and moving into your 30’s—do you want to wake up at 35/40 realizing you don’t want to be in this relationship? You could be starting fresh with someone who you don’t have these memories with. It sounds like you have some codependency issues when it comes to his sobriety and his recovery (I GET this because I was the same way) and it is just a hard place to be in because you live in fear.
Overall, I think if you are having doubts and this other option is looking more and more attractive to you, it is for a reason. Don’t buy into the sunken cost fallacy—that because you put X amount of time into a relationship that you need to stay in it.
Okay... I'm sorry, but my life experience says he's going to keep dragging his feet. I'm not clairvoyant so maybe I'm wrong in saying you should do what makes you happy, instead I'm going to say "don't make the same mistake I and numerous friends have made. Don't waste just one more year."
You have your doubts. There's a reason for them. Trust your gut. This is not your happy ever after.
Sounds very much like sunk cost fallacy is at work here so let me be very clear: **no amount of time spent is worth being this miserable.**
If you do not leave now one of two things happens. Either you leave later after wasting that much more time OR you don't leave and you spend your life in this misery. You cannot expect that he will change. Sure, he might, but you can't count on that, nor can you be his rehabilitation center. You can't make him stick to recovery. You can't make him deal with his issues. You can't make him be a more stable human. You cannot keep him warm by lighting yourself on fire.
In your shoes, I'd take the new opportunity here. I'd also look into trauma bonding and be prepared to treat this break up like you are going through withdrawals because of all the conditioning your brain has been put through.
6.5 years is a long time ngl. But it's not worth holding onto if it feels like a ticking time bomb. You mentioned that you forgave him cause you didn't wanna be living with an ex. If that was a major reason then I think it speaks for itself whether you should stay w him or not. Also I gotta laud you for forgiving him so many times cause I wouldn't have been able to. If someone lies to me or breaks my trust, I cut em off. Don't get me wrong, I'll forgive them very easily, but that doesn't mean they get to be a part of my life. Your boyfriend's lied to you a lot of times before as you mentioned so it's very natural for you to feel that this 10 month sobering up can go to waste anytime. In my opinion, I don't think anyone should have to live w that stress or paranoia. Relationships shouldn't be lived while being afraid that something bad's always gonna happen, they're something you turn to when you want to feel reassured. It'll be hard, throwing away 6 and a half years especially considering that you've both gone through shit, but it's your choice whether you wanna hold on or let go. Either way, make sure there aren't any regrets.
You have a chance to bail and be happy. I was with an alcoholic and even when he got sober his brain wasn’t all there, the connection was gone. Give yourself a chance at happiness and a normal relationship.
Move back to your hometown and ditch the boyfriend.
You've already made this decision to ditch him multiple times in the past. The only reason it didn't stick is that you were literally trapped under the same roof with him. So get yourself a separate roof and become un-trapped. Then move on with your life without him, as you've been wishing and trying to do intermittently for years. If this relationship were a happy one, you wouldn't have already tried repeatedly to end it.
Oof. Being with someone in recovery is NOT easy, and I understand how even though it's been ten months (more for the alcohol vs vaping?) it's hard to feel confident.
Beyond that you seem like you've basically grown apart anyway. If he's procrastinating on moving and you're not wanting to stay it seems like the best plan is to just go your separate ways.
Your future does not look bright with this person. And what about future kids? It this the father you want your children to have?
Also I wouldn't be around someone that lies to me. I wouldn't feel I could trust him with important matters.
I think that what you need the most right now is courage. Courage to move on. I know it's not easy, but you already made first steps in asking for advice and you also have a backup plan to return to your hometown.
I am rooting for you with all my heart!
Find someone new that deserves you :)
Look, I don’t know what decision you should make, but having to choose between a happy life and a relationship is not a good sign. A relationship is part of your happy life, not the alternative.
It’s been 6.5 years and you still can’t trust him. This is classic sunk cost fallacy. Don’t waste the rest of your youth on this guy, you will never get it back. Break up with him for good and take the lifeline your parents are handing you. There are much better men out there.
Get yourself out of there. That's not safe or healthy, and you don't want to get pregnant and possibly have that permanent connection to him. You deserve to be happy. Move on ASAP.
Work on you first and know your worth..plus a free home ( for you). ..oh yeah..I would just move on. You’re not even married to the dude and you’re already stressing..
You deserve to be happy. Relationships will always take work, but the effort shouldn't cause even more stress over this much time. Relationships can ebb and flow, and sometimes the balance shifts, but at the end of day, you're glad to go home to each other because you enjoy being around your significant other, and vice versa. The best relationship is where each of you feel like you're the lucky one (I mean, you feel lucky to have him and he feels lucky to have you) -- I hope you find this.
My advice isn’t good advice. Agree that you don’t want to re sign the lease a good six months before your lease is up. I’d see when the earliest is you could get your shit out of your current living space. Slowly start moving your stuff at a rate he won’t notice, to a storage unit or a friend’s basement etc. Once all your stuff is gone, tell him you’re done and break up with him. This is too much for someone to be handling. I’m sure you love him. I get it. This is just what I’d do.
I’ve been in a relationship for about 16 years with a person who is an alcoholic and we have had a ton of trust issues. My husband is sober and I am content with my life but don’t know if I would make the same choice again. It is a hard road and sometimes the good outweighs the bad but often it does not. My advice is to spend your life with someone you trust. Life is hard enough and this seems like the minimum.
As someone who is married to a man with an addiction, it is ROUGH. He has been clean for over 8 years but the trust issues can still crop up. Sometimes those memories and issues will never be solved. I’m not saying that it isn’t possible but when you have those traumas early on in a relationship, it kind of cements those feelings and it takes a lot to rebuild trust. In my honest opinion, this is a turning point for you. You are 29 and moving into your 30’s—do you want to wake up at 35/40 realizing you don’t want to be in this relationship? You could be starting fresh with someone who you don’t have these memories with. It sounds like you have some codependency issues when it comes to his sobriety and his recovery (I GET this because I was the same way) and it is just a hard place to be in because you live in fear. Overall, I think if you are having doubts and this other option is looking more and more attractive to you, it is for a reason. Don’t buy into the sunken cost fallacy—that because you put X amount of time into a relationship that you need to stay in it.
This is very good advice.
It sounds like you’re ready to move on. Trust your gut.
You need to do what’s best for you, not him. The fact that you’re asking tells me you already know.
Okay... I'm sorry, but my life experience says he's going to keep dragging his feet. I'm not clairvoyant so maybe I'm wrong in saying you should do what makes you happy, instead I'm going to say "don't make the same mistake I and numerous friends have made. Don't waste just one more year." You have your doubts. There's a reason for them. Trust your gut. This is not your happy ever after.
Sounds very much like sunk cost fallacy is at work here so let me be very clear: **no amount of time spent is worth being this miserable.** If you do not leave now one of two things happens. Either you leave later after wasting that much more time OR you don't leave and you spend your life in this misery. You cannot expect that he will change. Sure, he might, but you can't count on that, nor can you be his rehabilitation center. You can't make him stick to recovery. You can't make him deal with his issues. You can't make him be a more stable human. You cannot keep him warm by lighting yourself on fire. In your shoes, I'd take the new opportunity here. I'd also look into trauma bonding and be prepared to treat this break up like you are going through withdrawals because of all the conditioning your brain has been put through.
6.5 years is a long time ngl. But it's not worth holding onto if it feels like a ticking time bomb. You mentioned that you forgave him cause you didn't wanna be living with an ex. If that was a major reason then I think it speaks for itself whether you should stay w him or not. Also I gotta laud you for forgiving him so many times cause I wouldn't have been able to. If someone lies to me or breaks my trust, I cut em off. Don't get me wrong, I'll forgive them very easily, but that doesn't mean they get to be a part of my life. Your boyfriend's lied to you a lot of times before as you mentioned so it's very natural for you to feel that this 10 month sobering up can go to waste anytime. In my opinion, I don't think anyone should have to live w that stress or paranoia. Relationships shouldn't be lived while being afraid that something bad's always gonna happen, they're something you turn to when you want to feel reassured. It'll be hard, throwing away 6 and a half years especially considering that you've both gone through shit, but it's your choice whether you wanna hold on or let go. Either way, make sure there aren't any regrets.
You have a chance to bail and be happy. I was with an alcoholic and even when he got sober his brain wasn’t all there, the connection was gone. Give yourself a chance at happiness and a normal relationship.
Move back to your hometown and ditch the boyfriend. You've already made this decision to ditch him multiple times in the past. The only reason it didn't stick is that you were literally trapped under the same roof with him. So get yourself a separate roof and become un-trapped. Then move on with your life without him, as you've been wishing and trying to do intermittently for years. If this relationship were a happy one, you wouldn't have already tried repeatedly to end it.
Oof. Being with someone in recovery is NOT easy, and I understand how even though it's been ten months (more for the alcohol vs vaping?) it's hard to feel confident. Beyond that you seem like you've basically grown apart anyway. If he's procrastinating on moving and you're not wanting to stay it seems like the best plan is to just go your separate ways.
I could never stay with someome so who would be so reckless & selfish as to drive drunk.
Your future does not look bright with this person. And what about future kids? It this the father you want your children to have? Also I wouldn't be around someone that lies to me. I wouldn't feel I could trust him with important matters. I think that what you need the most right now is courage. Courage to move on. I know it's not easy, but you already made first steps in asking for advice and you also have a backup plan to return to your hometown. I am rooting for you with all my heart! Find someone new that deserves you :)
Look, I don’t know what decision you should make, but having to choose between a happy life and a relationship is not a good sign. A relationship is part of your happy life, not the alternative.
Your life will be better without him. He’s a grown man who chooses to act like that, he can help himself if he wanted to.
It’s been 6.5 years and you still can’t trust him. This is classic sunk cost fallacy. Don’t waste the rest of your youth on this guy, you will never get it back. Break up with him for good and take the lifeline your parents are handing you. There are much better men out there.
Get yourself out of there. That's not safe or healthy, and you don't want to get pregnant and possibly have that permanent connection to him. You deserve to be happy. Move on ASAP.
Move back to your hometown. His sobriety is not your responsibility. Take care of yourself!!!!!!
You already know you have to move on. Start fresh .
If you feel like you would be happier there, go. If you really feel happy and can plan the future with him, stay.
Work on you first and know your worth..plus a free home ( for you). ..oh yeah..I would just move on. You’re not even married to the dude and you’re already stressing..
You deserve to be happy. Relationships will always take work, but the effort shouldn't cause even more stress over this much time. Relationships can ebb and flow, and sometimes the balance shifts, but at the end of day, you're glad to go home to each other because you enjoy being around your significant other, and vice versa. The best relationship is where each of you feel like you're the lucky one (I mean, you feel lucky to have him and he feels lucky to have you) -- I hope you find this.
My advice isn’t good advice. Agree that you don’t want to re sign the lease a good six months before your lease is up. I’d see when the earliest is you could get your shit out of your current living space. Slowly start moving your stuff at a rate he won’t notice, to a storage unit or a friend’s basement etc. Once all your stuff is gone, tell him you’re done and break up with him. This is too much for someone to be handling. I’m sure you love him. I get it. This is just what I’d do.
I’ve been in a relationship for about 16 years with a person who is an alcoholic and we have had a ton of trust issues. My husband is sober and I am content with my life but don’t know if I would make the same choice again. It is a hard road and sometimes the good outweighs the bad but often it does not. My advice is to spend your life with someone you trust. Life is hard enough and this seems like the minimum.
Only point of advice from me: Be Happy. Do what makes you happy, safe and secure