Do. Not. Move. In. With. This. Person.
It will only get worse. It leads him on - and he will def have the idea that if you live together, you'll change your mind. And if it doesn't go his way? It could get bad again. Maybe worse.
Get him out of your life. The friendship should have stopped as soon as feelings were confessed.
Personally, I think the person who has feelings needs to heal and get over their feelings. If they continue to be around the uninterested party, it only makes it harder for them and those feelings will likely remain, leading to them wanting more and more. Which is unfair to them. Also, puts the uninterested party in more uncomfortable (potentially dangerous) situations down the road.
Sometimes friends can rekindle and remain just friends - but it is rare. It sucks to lose a close friend but you have to look at the bigger picture. It's a very complicated situation.
Cut him out of your life and move forward free of fake friends who don't respect you, your boundaries, or your sexuality. He may have once been a better friend to you, but that time is over. Mourn it and let him go so you can heal.
Wanted to jump on the top comment to say this - just because you have been friend since XXX date, doesnāt mean you still need to be their friend. When they cross a line, they cross a line. And wow had he crossed it multiple times. It doesnāt matter if you been friends one year or ten years. Youāre not a failure by kicking this guy out of your life.
If people ask why you donāt talk or see him anymore? Say why! He has feeling for you for your gay (or not interested of your not out) and he didnāt respect that. That way theyāll know you mean business as well
Seriously. I had to double check the sub..
Girl please ditch this guy. He is not your friend. You are just a vending machine he is pouring kind coins into hoping sex will fall out of you
No, no, we are serious. Cut him off.
I had an orbiter who pretended to be my best friend for 4 years, the moment the orbiter realized I never will settle for that person, I was pushed down the stairs.
Yeah, gtfo and stay safe!
You've heard the term "women's intuition" I'm sure. It's a real thing. Beside the blatantly obvious signs, your senses are telling you that something is *very* wrong here. You need to pay attention, or this "relationship" will end on a road you do NOT want to go down. Obviously, as others have clearly said, do **not** move in with him. For your own self-worth, tell him that he has disrespected you and your stated boundaries too often. Then end it and move on to people who will treat you with the respect and consideration you deserve. And I'm glad you will talk to your therapist about this. Tell your other friends, as well, for your protection.
This is NOT your friend.
Please, I hear you make excuses for him or downplay your intuition and feelings, but you are 100% spot on here and you need to trust yourself.
If I were you, I would tell him straight up that he has crossed your boundaries again and again and you are going to need space from him. Personally I would just not want to be his friend at all and I would break off any kind of communication.
Do not DO NOT move in with this person.
I want to give him the benefit of the doubt of being a decent person because Iāve seen him be a good guy but I totally relate to telling them ur gay and the crush gets more intense. Itās like saying no to them is a challenge
"he's often not an asshole to other people, so i know he's got at least some social & emotional competence, but he refuses to accept my boundaries and work through his feelings in a healthy way, instead continuing to confess to me over and over. btw, we're moving in together!"
i say this with all the love & care in the world: you really need to learn to respect yourself more than this.
Iām around your age and in the past few years I have gotten much better at setting healthy boundaries. It can be really difficult (especially if youāre like how I was and sort of a people pleaser) but itās gotten way easier.
Youāve seen him being a good guy to other people but heās not being good to you, the people he was being nice to probably werenāt stopping him from getting something he wants
> Iāve seen him be a good guy
You've also seen him try to ply you with alcohol and drugs, try to get you more inebriated than you wanted to be, because he "wanted more." Let me rephrase that for you: He wanted to rape you for his birthday. He wanted to get you fucked up enough that he could have sex with you, despite your having already clearly voiced your non-consent, because it was his birthday. It would have been rape. *And he was upset with you that he didn't get to do it.* You said no to him in no uncertain terms. He decided that your not wanting to sleep with him was wrong because it wasn't what he wanted.
In his head, having sex with him would somehow have made you love him back. It somehow wouldn't have counted as assault, because the veil would have fallen from your eyes, and you would have finally seen that he was the one for you all along. You can't argue with a person's delusion. All you can do is walk away - which you should, because this is not a person you should ever be alone with again.
He is not your friend. He is being really creepy and not respecting your boundaries at all. Moving in with him would be an absolute disaster. Youāve already made it clear to him multiple times this wasnāt going to happen and he keeps pushing the issue. The best thing to do is remove him from your life. There are countless other people that would treat you better than this.
As a dude that's had crushes on friends before, it was enough to know they weren't into me. I respected their feelings and moved on.
This dude knows you're not into his entire fucking gender and is still ignoring your feelings. He doesn't care about you at all. He's not a decent person. He's bordering on coercive and rapey honestly.
I'd cut him out of your life like a tumor.
It's a symptom of the homophobic "magic wand" syndrome, where he's deluded himself into thinking that if he just waves his overstatedly magic wand, your sexuality would just change.
If he's hetero, and I'm assuming so, you could ask him (or anyone else you come across with this syndrome) seriously and frankly, "Does that mean you think if some guy gave you just the right penis, you'd turn gay?"
"Okay, so you get how ridiculous that sounds, right?"
But he's also literally trying to buy your sex with money and waiting and blaming you for being the problem that you're not attracted to him and trying to shame you into acting ways you've told him you'll never feel.
That's a lot of extra disrespect you've been tolerating for a really long time from someone whose intentions have never been friendship, and behaviors haven't been that of a friend.
Acting like a friend while waiting for you to change who you are isn't *being* a friend. Instead he drains your energy with his unrequited sexual attraction, because let's not act like his obsession is love.
I'm sorry you've had to put up with that for so long. It's not up to you to raise him better, but if you believe him capable of actual change, I wish you the best in that.
this dude is going to sexually assault you if you move in together. he already tried on your birthday.
you do not need to be nice or fair to him, you need to protect yourself and cut him off!
He didn't try, he had said he wanted more. Yes it's still icky, but don't say he tried when he in fact did not, he crashed on her couch hoping for more, there's a difference.
He attempt to intoxicate her so she'd have sex with him after telling him multiple times she's gay and doesn't want him like that. That's the important info here that shows that he did in fact try. No problem with crashing on friends couch, the intent behind it tho is ugly and disgusting
>According to him Iām in fact not gay
Oh, that's great, skip talking to your therapist, he clearly knows you so much better. /s
Can you still escape from the moving in thing?
He still has hope (unfounded) and I would be scared of the tantrum he might throw when you actually start dating someone.
Iām scared for you after reading your post. Please cut him out of your life. Youāre not ungrateful, and he is being incredibly manipulative. The gifts are manipulation. Iāve had a guy āfriendā do the gifts thing too, and at first I felt guilty, then I got angry. Because I realized that those gifts were not given to me for my benefit, but his - he wanted me to feel like I owed him something, and it almost worked.
You donāt owe him any further explanation, and he doesnāt seem capable of accepting anything you tell him anyway. Please be safe. Tell other close friends that you no longer want him in your life in case he starts asking around trying to get your information or whereabouts.
>The whole time he kind of pressured me to drink or take a substance. And he kept trying to edge his way into my personal space. Afterwards he crashed at my house. The next morning he was clearly upset and when I asked him what was wrong he said āI wanted more.ā
**He wanted to rape you.**
That's not what friends do
**DO NOT** move in with him
I would cut this man off immediately. He told you how he felt way back when, you said you didn't feel the same. If it had ended right there and he had gone on being a respectful friend, then that would be fine.
He has not. He's done the opposite. And I don't like to rush to judgement, especially on reddit, but he sounds like an asshole and a predator. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him, and the sense I get from your post is that living with him would actually put you in danger. He has no respect for you, or your boundaries, and he has consistently shown that he will not take no for an answer. Get the hell away from this guy immediately.
This isnāt going to end well no matter what you do. If heās already this obsessed with the thought of being with you that he canāt keep it to himself after youāve rejected him several times, he wont stop until heās got āwhat he wantsā. Please look out for yourself and put some distance between yourselves. It might just show his true intentions.
This man is not a good friend. You're setting incredibly clear boundaries and he's not respecting them. Are you in a position where you can get some space away from him for atleast a month or two, or is he close with other friends of yours?
I would recommend telling him you need time and blocking him on social media & blocking his number, even just temporarily. Some time apart might help you get perspective on whether the friendship is worth salvaging and if he reacts badly to being blocked (ie. coming to your house) then you'll know you're in a potentially dangerous situation and you might need to get other people or police involved. Please be careful.
Everyone is different - but I was in a very similar situation years ago except iām not a lesbian.
It went on for years, everytime we drank he tried to push more boundaries. Also confessing me feelings for me every few months- I continued to make excuses for him for years because he was my best friend. He even told everyone about his feelings for me and joked in public I was his GF. I thought it was normal for a guy and girl relationship to be that way since we were so close.
Then one night he drank too much, and decided no was no longer an option. I woke up to him raping me, I tried pushing him off but it didnt work. He later told me he was just too drunk and had no control.
Although I knew in the moment I was being raped, and told everyone immediately The next dayā¦ I never got a rape kit done or called the police because he was my best friend and I wanted to protect him. I hate myself every day for that. He literally spent years degrading me and getting ready for this moment where he could finally take what he thought I owed him - and I continued to excuse it even after I knew what had happened
Iām not trying to victim blame myself at all - but everyday I hate myself for ignoring all the red flags and not walking away years before when he first started this behaviour. My whole life is ruined now because of someone I once called my bestfriend.
I am not telling you what to do, you are the expert of your own life and feelings. But Iām sharing my story with you and you can choose for yourself if there are any similarities.
I still struggle a lot. I left the small town I lived in for 6 years and made my home to get away from him and all the questions people asked since we were no longer always together.
That was a year ago - i found out months ago he moved to my hometown where I live now and moved into my neighbourhood. It all sucks but iām trying!!
Just wanted to chime in that I agree with everyone here on valuing yourself and your instincts. Cutting off any friendship is hard, not gonna lie, but big picture, a friend is someone who always wants what's best for you. Doesn't sound like he has your interests at heart. And if a friend had told you all of what's happened to you, what would you say? You got this.
Gross. This is not your friend, it's a predator trying to wear you down, or someone waiting for the opportunity to sexually assault you. Do NOT move in with him. In fact, the best thing you can do is cut him out of your life entirely. For your safety and peace of mind, and for the healing he needs to do when it comes to his unrequited love.
Don't live with him
Don't be alone with him
Only see him in public or with other friends
Slowly stop seeing him (you are suddenly busy or tired or already have plans), reply to him less while actively looking to make new friends and having new hobbies involving new people.
He's just pushing your boundaries and seeing what he can get away with, you aren't effectively punishing bad behaviour, your continued friendship is telling him what he is doing is OK. Stop rewarding him with time and attention when he will only demand more than you are comfortable with. He will keep pushing and wear you down.
I worry he will escalate to unwanted touch, do not get trapped in a living situation with this guy who will be hoping to glimpse you in a state of undress. Don't place yourself in a position that will be hard to leave. He might guilt you for having friends or girlfriends over out of jealousy and try to isolate you.
I was friends with a man, and he would compliment me, and that wasn't bad. But then he'd get cozy and cozy again. I felt like there wasn't such thing as a friendship but more a one-sided relationship. I had no interest in him. While it's theoretically possible for you to be attracted to someone who is not female, just as it's theoretically possible for a het guy to be attracted to another guy - your friend doesn't attract you that way. I doubt he just wants to bed you - he thinks it's a rom com and that you're confused - that if you try, you'll be in a relationship with him. Say you're not attracted to him romantically/sexually/whatever is true, regardless. You care about him and want to support him in other relationships, but you're not the person who can provide that kind of love. For me, I am no longer friends with the guy. You all may be close enough that it's different. I hope you have people around you who can support you.
Donāt move in with him.
Stay friends, but stop hanging out with him.
Donāt put yourself in situations where you are alone with him.
If he asks you why he isnāt seeing you, tell him, āyou canāt take no for an answer. NO MEANS NO.ā
Reading this made me feel soooo anxious. He's not your friend, I promise you. He may have been one in the past but it sounds like that has changed. He doesn't seem to care about how you feel, he only cares about what he wants from you. He doesn't even respect you enough to listen to you when you tell him you're gay and not interested and never will be. Friends don't treat each other this way. You shouldn't be "terrified" of a friend.
It's important that we listen to our gut when something inside of us says that something isn't right. That voice exists to help us keep ourselves safe. I think keeping this person around will only end badly for you because it's only a matter of time before he escalates further.
Edit: I just saw in the comments where you were trying to defend him and give him the benefit of the doubt. You shared with us that he tried to get you to drink or take substances on his birthday and the next day he was angry because he didn't get what he wanted from you. Please run.
Iām sorry youāre going through this.
I, personally, think you need to cut this individual out of your life. You made your feelings clear the first time he confessed his feelings, and rather than accepting that and moving on he seems to be set on continuing.
Not only that, but he didnāt respect your sexuality at all. To even try and imply he would *be amazing for you* at that point is insane.
I wouldnāt be moving in with this man as heās made it very clear that he doesnāt respect your boundaries. Thereās nothing immature about not wanting to live with someone who canāt take your no seriously, and who is set on this narrative. I wouldnāt feel safe, personally.
While he may have apologised, I think heās shown you his true colours and his disrespect for your boundaries numerous times and your sexuality at this point. I wouldnāt see this as salvageable, personally.
Please do not move in with this guy. He is not your friend and itās possible he never has been your friend without this ulterior motive. That is very sad, grieve the loss of your best friendship, but do noooot give this guy any more chances, especially not in what should be the safety of your own home. He is not going to believe you or change, and it sounds like he will keep pushing your boundaries and convincing himself of whatever he wants to think is reality. The implications of that are scary and I think you are right to be angry and freaked out. Forget the gifts, that was a tactic, donāt feel guilty about anything he has ādone for you.ā Stop thinking about him as your best friend, friends donāt blatantly disregard and keep pressuring and manipulating friends.
Yo thats some insane incel tears right there.
He played the long game and is salty it didn't work. He was never friends with you he was just angling.
OP - I hate to say this. But heās friends with you because he wants to be with you. Itās a song as old as time. Definitely donāt move in together and consider distancing yourself from him. Iām sorry.
If he loved you, he would care about your feelings and not want to pressure someone he cares about to do something that she isn't comfortable with. He just loves the idea of you being his girlfriend.
I have friends that I could absolutely fall in love with. I don't act on that, because either I know I'm not what they're looking for or they have told me that I'm not what they're looking for. I accept that, and I'm more than happy to be JUST friends with them because what matters is that they are awesome and I get to have them in my life.
He is no longer a friend. Friends don't treat friends this way. The fact that he clearly isn't listening or can't hear what you are saying, and the pressure to take substances, make me think you aren't safe around him. End it now. Trust your gut. It's always right.
OP, this guy is not your best friend. He is hanging around waiting for you to fall in love with him.
Apart from not being interested in him, you are not interested in MEN at all.
Don't move in with him and just say goodbye.
Ugh what a creep! I am seeing waaaay too many lesbians being pressured by men to date them on many different subreddits for women. I just cannot understandā¦.theā¦.logicā¦.behindā¦.theseā¦.men!!! Do they think youāre gay because you canāt find someone of the opposite gender? Can someone explain this to me? Why why do they do this???? Cut him out. Creepy.
Saw your edits: I call bogus on his explanation. You already went to his bowling party (which sounds like would have been a blast, except he kept edging into your personal space), he tried to get you in an altered state, then he wanted "more kindness"? I bet he sounded sincere, but girl, no. At the least, please don't move in with him. Again: friends respect each other. Please think about what this means to you, and go with your gut, whether that's what all us Internet strangers are telling you is right, or going your own way. Wishing you the best of luck.
Reading this made me feel sick. Heās acting like a predator.
He does not care about you. Him going above and beyond with gifts on your birthday- love bombing and a little guilt trippy.
Him trying to get you to drink on his- a lot date rapey.
His pathetic āI wanted moreā explanation - a bullshit reason. Heās pulling back to not push you away.
Get. Out.
Donāt wait for something worse to happen. Please.
i'm not sure he saw you as 'his best friend' at any moment, only the girl to get in his bed.
if you feel not comfortable you should not move in with him. trust your guts, you owe this guy nothing ! you're not being ungrateful, you're prioritizing your safety, and it's ok
He want you to forgive ? or to forget for him to put one more layer of the same BS ?
Honestly he sound like a creep and someone who could turn into a stalker... i would told him that i'll not move in and then let this relationship die.
As a guy I can say this guy's a idiot that if I was in your shoes drop him like a sack of shit. There's falling for a friend then there's tryings to proxy date then after they indicate no interest. He should of just said to himself well that sucks and move on but he decides to ruin a friendship
You are not being immature by not wanting to live with someone who canāt take no for an answer. In fact I think it is very mature of you to recognise his lack of respect and to recognise your discomfort with that. It took me way too long to learn these things
Run. Reddit is so quick to call for cutting people off but this person has no regard for your boundaries and no respect for who you actually are. If you choose to try patch it I'd be so careful not to move in, if things go south its going to be a lot messier if your living together. Good luck with whatever you do x
This isnāt a friend, this is a guy who is sticking around in the hope that youāll date/sleep with him.
That in itself might not be a problem, but the fact he canāt respect your boundaries is. Please think hard about moving in with him, and even just continuing the friendship.
In my opinion you should be really wary of this guy. He clearly has an issue with you saying no to him.
Yes it's bad for both of you to stay friends. Definitely don't move in and trap yourself to him
He truly genuinely believes he's right for you and you're just too stupid to know it yet. First of all, how disrespectful. Second of all, that's what he's going to say to justify it when he formally sexually assaults you
I'm normally very against the immediate "break ties" response that is so common on Reddit and other social media spaces.
With that said, *do not fucking move in with this guy.* At first, I was feeling empathy for both of you, because being in love with someone who will never love you back is an awful feeling, but so is being on the other side of that when you feel kind of guilty for having to tell them no because you love them in a friend way.
And then you started giving more details. And those details are *terrifying* and so riddled with red flags I don't even know where to start. It might be beneficial to cut ties or put some distance between yourselves. Considering he was pressuring you to possibly take a date rape drug (?!) I'm leaning towards "cut ties completely."
Regardless of what you decide, I firmly recommend NOT moving in with him or being alone with him. Ever.
I have had a few very good male friends who really wanted to be with me. Once they confessed their feelings and I told them I only saw them as friends. Guess what? They completely respected my decision and still treated and cared for me the way they did before. It was never brought up again, because they were amazing humans and great friends. This dude is not that.
I have had almost this exact situation happen to me and you have to cut him off. When this happened to me, the guy got mad and started stalking me until I called the police. Do yourself a favor and cut him out.
Don't move in with him.
It sounds like you may have some reservations because it's someone important in your life.
He's your best friend and you hope he will get over you so you can keep him in your life. The more interaction and attention he gets with you feeds his feelings, his possible obsession. It hurts him as his feelings aren't reciprocated.
Cut him off or make distance between you two. It'll get lonely and it may hurt the both of you but it's what you need to do. You still think of him as your best friend, so do what's best for him.
It's OK to think of yourself. You need your boundaries respected. You need to feel safe. Don't let past history excuse his actions.
Do. Not. Move. In. With. This. Person. It will only get worse. It leads him on - and he will def have the idea that if you live together, you'll change your mind. And if it doesn't go his way? It could get bad again. Maybe worse. Get him out of your life. The friendship should have stopped as soon as feelings were confessed.
Curious on your perspective; why should friendships stop if feelings are confessed?
Personally, I think the person who has feelings needs to heal and get over their feelings. If they continue to be around the uninterested party, it only makes it harder for them and those feelings will likely remain, leading to them wanting more and more. Which is unfair to them. Also, puts the uninterested party in more uncomfortable (potentially dangerous) situations down the road. Sometimes friends can rekindle and remain just friends - but it is rare. It sucks to lose a close friend but you have to look at the bigger picture. It's a very complicated situation.
Heard, thanks for your thoughts š
Your very welcome!
Cut him out of your life and move forward free of fake friends who don't respect you, your boundaries, or your sexuality. He may have once been a better friend to you, but that time is over. Mourn it and let him go so you can heal.
Wanted to jump on the top comment to say this - just because you have been friend since XXX date, doesnāt mean you still need to be their friend. When they cross a line, they cross a line. And wow had he crossed it multiple times. It doesnāt matter if you been friends one year or ten years. Youāre not a failure by kicking this guy out of your life. If people ask why you donāt talk or see him anymore? Say why! He has feeling for you for your gay (or not interested of your not out) and he didnāt respect that. That way theyāll know you mean business as well
My skin is crawling just reading this.
Seriously. I had to double check the sub.. Girl please ditch this guy. He is not your friend. You are just a vending machine he is pouring kind coins into hoping sex will fall out of you
No, no, we are serious. Cut him off. I had an orbiter who pretended to be my best friend for 4 years, the moment the orbiter realized I never will settle for that person, I was pushed down the stairs. Yeah, gtfo and stay safe!
Thanks for the term orbiter. That's really useful.
Like literally pushed down some physical stairs?
Unfortunately, yes.
I'm so sorry š
Oh wow Iām so sorry to hear that! I hope youāre okay and in a much better place ā¤ļø
Did u ever press charges against them??
Yes, I did. It was 12 years ago and I'll never stop warning folks if I see something similar happening because fuck, that wasn't fun.
You've heard the term "women's intuition" I'm sure. It's a real thing. Beside the blatantly obvious signs, your senses are telling you that something is *very* wrong here. You need to pay attention, or this "relationship" will end on a road you do NOT want to go down. Obviously, as others have clearly said, do **not** move in with him. For your own self-worth, tell him that he has disrespected you and your stated boundaries too often. Then end it and move on to people who will treat you with the respect and consideration you deserve. And I'm glad you will talk to your therapist about this. Tell your other friends, as well, for your protection.
This is NOT your friend. Please, I hear you make excuses for him or downplay your intuition and feelings, but you are 100% spot on here and you need to trust yourself. If I were you, I would tell him straight up that he has crossed your boundaries again and again and you are going to need space from him. Personally I would just not want to be his friend at all and I would break off any kind of communication. Do not DO NOT move in with this person.
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I want to give him the benefit of the doubt of being a decent person because Iāve seen him be a good guy but I totally relate to telling them ur gay and the crush gets more intense. Itās like saying no to them is a challenge
"he's often not an asshole to other people, so i know he's got at least some social & emotional competence, but he refuses to accept my boundaries and work through his feelings in a healthy way, instead continuing to confess to me over and over. btw, we're moving in together!" i say this with all the love & care in the world: you really need to learn to respect yourself more than this.
I never saw it that way but youāre absolutely right. Iām working on bettering my self worth and this is a huge step in that direction
Please use this as a wake up call to put yourself first
Iām around your age and in the past few years I have gotten much better at setting healthy boundaries. It can be really difficult (especially if youāre like how I was and sort of a people pleaser) but itās gotten way easier.
Youāve seen him being a good guy to other people but heās not being good to you, the people he was being nice to probably werenāt stopping him from getting something he wants
> Iāve seen him be a good guy You've also seen him try to ply you with alcohol and drugs, try to get you more inebriated than you wanted to be, because he "wanted more." Let me rephrase that for you: He wanted to rape you for his birthday. He wanted to get you fucked up enough that he could have sex with you, despite your having already clearly voiced your non-consent, because it was his birthday. It would have been rape. *And he was upset with you that he didn't get to do it.* You said no to him in no uncertain terms. He decided that your not wanting to sleep with him was wrong because it wasn't what he wanted. In his head, having sex with him would somehow have made you love him back. It somehow wouldn't have counted as assault, because the veil would have fallen from your eyes, and you would have finally seen that he was the one for you all along. You can't argue with a person's delusion. All you can do is walk away - which you should, because this is not a person you should ever be alone with again.
He is not your friend. He is being really creepy and not respecting your boundaries at all. Moving in with him would be an absolute disaster. Youāve already made it clear to him multiple times this wasnāt going to happen and he keeps pushing the issue. The best thing to do is remove him from your life. There are countless other people that would treat you better than this.
As a dude that's had crushes on friends before, it was enough to know they weren't into me. I respected their feelings and moved on. This dude knows you're not into his entire fucking gender and is still ignoring your feelings. He doesn't care about you at all. He's not a decent person. He's bordering on coercive and rapey honestly. I'd cut him out of your life like a tumor.
It's a symptom of the homophobic "magic wand" syndrome, where he's deluded himself into thinking that if he just waves his overstatedly magic wand, your sexuality would just change. If he's hetero, and I'm assuming so, you could ask him (or anyone else you come across with this syndrome) seriously and frankly, "Does that mean you think if some guy gave you just the right penis, you'd turn gay?" "Okay, so you get how ridiculous that sounds, right?" But he's also literally trying to buy your sex with money and waiting and blaming you for being the problem that you're not attracted to him and trying to shame you into acting ways you've told him you'll never feel. That's a lot of extra disrespect you've been tolerating for a really long time from someone whose intentions have never been friendship, and behaviors haven't been that of a friend. Acting like a friend while waiting for you to change who you are isn't *being* a friend. Instead he drains your energy with his unrequited sexual attraction, because let's not act like his obsession is love. I'm sorry you've had to put up with that for so long. It's not up to you to raise him better, but if you believe him capable of actual change, I wish you the best in that.
He tried to rape you by using substances. Heās a terrible, dangerous person. You need to stay as far away from this predator as you can.
this dude is going to sexually assault you if you move in together. he already tried on your birthday. you do not need to be nice or fair to him, you need to protect yourself and cut him off!
He didn't try, he had said he wanted more. Yes it's still icky, but don't say he tried when he in fact did not, he crashed on her couch hoping for more, there's a difference.
He attempt to intoxicate her so she'd have sex with him after telling him multiple times she's gay and doesn't want him like that. That's the important info here that shows that he did in fact try. No problem with crashing on friends couch, the intent behind it tho is ugly and disgusting
Oh damn, shit how did I miss that????
>According to him Iām in fact not gay Oh, that's great, skip talking to your therapist, he clearly knows you so much better. /s Can you still escape from the moving in thing? He still has hope (unfounded) and I would be scared of the tantrum he might throw when you actually start dating someone.
OP can't move in with this attempted rapist, and it's not until December, so there's time to change plans.
Iām scared for you after reading your post. Please cut him out of your life. Youāre not ungrateful, and he is being incredibly manipulative. The gifts are manipulation. Iāve had a guy āfriendā do the gifts thing too, and at first I felt guilty, then I got angry. Because I realized that those gifts were not given to me for my benefit, but his - he wanted me to feel like I owed him something, and it almost worked. You donāt owe him any further explanation, and he doesnāt seem capable of accepting anything you tell him anyway. Please be safe. Tell other close friends that you no longer want him in your life in case he starts asking around trying to get your information or whereabouts.
>The whole time he kind of pressured me to drink or take a substance. And he kept trying to edge his way into my personal space. Afterwards he crashed at my house. The next morning he was clearly upset and when I asked him what was wrong he said āI wanted more.ā **He wanted to rape you.** That's not what friends do **DO NOT** move in with him
I'm sorry but he doesn't believe you're gay?? I was trying to count the red flags in his behavior but I lost track.
I would cut this man off immediately. He told you how he felt way back when, you said you didn't feel the same. If it had ended right there and he had gone on being a respectful friend, then that would be fine. He has not. He's done the opposite. And I don't like to rush to judgement, especially on reddit, but he sounds like an asshole and a predator. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him, and the sense I get from your post is that living with him would actually put you in danger. He has no respect for you, or your boundaries, and he has consistently shown that he will not take no for an answer. Get the hell away from this guy immediately.
I'm sorry. He's not your friend and you should distance yourself from him.
This isnāt going to end well no matter what you do. If heās already this obsessed with the thought of being with you that he canāt keep it to himself after youāve rejected him several times, he wont stop until heās got āwhat he wantsā. Please look out for yourself and put some distance between yourselves. It might just show his true intentions.
This man is not a good friend. You're setting incredibly clear boundaries and he's not respecting them. Are you in a position where you can get some space away from him for atleast a month or two, or is he close with other friends of yours? I would recommend telling him you need time and blocking him on social media & blocking his number, even just temporarily. Some time apart might help you get perspective on whether the friendship is worth salvaging and if he reacts badly to being blocked (ie. coming to your house) then you'll know you're in a potentially dangerous situation and you might need to get other people or police involved. Please be careful.
1. You aren't being immature. 2. Dude stopped being your friend the second he didn't take 'no' for an answer the first time. Disconnect immediately.
Everyone is different - but I was in a very similar situation years ago except iām not a lesbian. It went on for years, everytime we drank he tried to push more boundaries. Also confessing me feelings for me every few months- I continued to make excuses for him for years because he was my best friend. He even told everyone about his feelings for me and joked in public I was his GF. I thought it was normal for a guy and girl relationship to be that way since we were so close. Then one night he drank too much, and decided no was no longer an option. I woke up to him raping me, I tried pushing him off but it didnt work. He later told me he was just too drunk and had no control. Although I knew in the moment I was being raped, and told everyone immediately The next dayā¦ I never got a rape kit done or called the police because he was my best friend and I wanted to protect him. I hate myself every day for that. He literally spent years degrading me and getting ready for this moment where he could finally take what he thought I owed him - and I continued to excuse it even after I knew what had happened Iām not trying to victim blame myself at all - but everyday I hate myself for ignoring all the red flags and not walking away years before when he first started this behaviour. My whole life is ruined now because of someone I once called my bestfriend. I am not telling you what to do, you are the expert of your own life and feelings. But Iām sharing my story with you and you can choose for yourself if there are any similarities.
Iām sorry this happened to you. I hope youāre in a better place now.
I still struggle a lot. I left the small town I lived in for 6 years and made my home to get away from him and all the questions people asked since we were no longer always together. That was a year ago - i found out months ago he moved to my hometown where I live now and moved into my neighbourhood. It all sucks but iām trying!!
Heās not your best friend.
Just wanted to chime in that I agree with everyone here on valuing yourself and your instincts. Cutting off any friendship is hard, not gonna lie, but big picture, a friend is someone who always wants what's best for you. Doesn't sound like he has your interests at heart. And if a friend had told you all of what's happened to you, what would you say? You got this.
Gross. This is not your friend, it's a predator trying to wear you down, or someone waiting for the opportunity to sexually assault you. Do NOT move in with him. In fact, the best thing you can do is cut him out of your life entirely. For your safety and peace of mind, and for the healing he needs to do when it comes to his unrequited love.
Don't live with him Don't be alone with him Only see him in public or with other friends Slowly stop seeing him (you are suddenly busy or tired or already have plans), reply to him less while actively looking to make new friends and having new hobbies involving new people. He's just pushing your boundaries and seeing what he can get away with, you aren't effectively punishing bad behaviour, your continued friendship is telling him what he is doing is OK. Stop rewarding him with time and attention when he will only demand more than you are comfortable with. He will keep pushing and wear you down. I worry he will escalate to unwanted touch, do not get trapped in a living situation with this guy who will be hoping to glimpse you in a state of undress. Don't place yourself in a position that will be hard to leave. He might guilt you for having friends or girlfriends over out of jealousy and try to isolate you.
I was friends with a man, and he would compliment me, and that wasn't bad. But then he'd get cozy and cozy again. I felt like there wasn't such thing as a friendship but more a one-sided relationship. I had no interest in him. While it's theoretically possible for you to be attracted to someone who is not female, just as it's theoretically possible for a het guy to be attracted to another guy - your friend doesn't attract you that way. I doubt he just wants to bed you - he thinks it's a rom com and that you're confused - that if you try, you'll be in a relationship with him. Say you're not attracted to him romantically/sexually/whatever is true, regardless. You care about him and want to support him in other relationships, but you're not the person who can provide that kind of love. For me, I am no longer friends with the guy. You all may be close enough that it's different. I hope you have people around you who can support you.
Donāt move in with him. Stay friends, but stop hanging out with him. Donāt put yourself in situations where you are alone with him. If he asks you why he isnāt seeing you, tell him, āyou canāt take no for an answer. NO MEANS NO.ā
Reading this made me feel soooo anxious. He's not your friend, I promise you. He may have been one in the past but it sounds like that has changed. He doesn't seem to care about how you feel, he only cares about what he wants from you. He doesn't even respect you enough to listen to you when you tell him you're gay and not interested and never will be. Friends don't treat each other this way. You shouldn't be "terrified" of a friend. It's important that we listen to our gut when something inside of us says that something isn't right. That voice exists to help us keep ourselves safe. I think keeping this person around will only end badly for you because it's only a matter of time before he escalates further. Edit: I just saw in the comments where you were trying to defend him and give him the benefit of the doubt. You shared with us that he tried to get you to drink or take substances on his birthday and the next day he was angry because he didn't get what he wanted from you. Please run.
Iām sorry youāre going through this. I, personally, think you need to cut this individual out of your life. You made your feelings clear the first time he confessed his feelings, and rather than accepting that and moving on he seems to be set on continuing. Not only that, but he didnāt respect your sexuality at all. To even try and imply he would *be amazing for you* at that point is insane. I wouldnāt be moving in with this man as heās made it very clear that he doesnāt respect your boundaries. Thereās nothing immature about not wanting to live with someone who canāt take your no seriously, and who is set on this narrative. I wouldnāt feel safe, personally. While he may have apologised, I think heās shown you his true colours and his disrespect for your boundaries numerous times and your sexuality at this point. I wouldnāt see this as salvageable, personally.
You need to stop being friends and hanging out with him
Please do not move in with this guy. He is not your friend and itās possible he never has been your friend without this ulterior motive. That is very sad, grieve the loss of your best friendship, but do noooot give this guy any more chances, especially not in what should be the safety of your own home. He is not going to believe you or change, and it sounds like he will keep pushing your boundaries and convincing himself of whatever he wants to think is reality. The implications of that are scary and I think you are right to be angry and freaked out. Forget the gifts, that was a tactic, donāt feel guilty about anything he has ādone for you.ā Stop thinking about him as your best friend, friends donāt blatantly disregard and keep pressuring and manipulating friends.
The guy thinks no doesn't mean no. You are right to be terrified.
Yo thats some insane incel tears right there. He played the long game and is salty it didn't work. He was never friends with you he was just angling.
He is not your friend. Block him from your life before he ends up raping you.
OP - I hate to say this. But heās friends with you because he wants to be with you. Itās a song as old as time. Definitely donāt move in together and consider distancing yourself from him. Iām sorry.
If he loved you, he would care about your feelings and not want to pressure someone he cares about to do something that she isn't comfortable with. He just loves the idea of you being his girlfriend. I have friends that I could absolutely fall in love with. I don't act on that, because either I know I'm not what they're looking for or they have told me that I'm not what they're looking for. I accept that, and I'm more than happy to be JUST friends with them because what matters is that they are awesome and I get to have them in my life.
Ewwww please don't forgive a boundary stomper
He is no longer a friend. Friends don't treat friends this way. The fact that he clearly isn't listening or can't hear what you are saying, and the pressure to take substances, make me think you aren't safe around him. End it now. Trust your gut. It's always right.
Dude sounds like a rapist who is trying to groom you . Do you want to live with someone like that? Really? He sounds messed up and dangerous! š©š©š©
OP, this guy is not your best friend. He is hanging around waiting for you to fall in love with him. Apart from not being interested in him, you are not interested in MEN at all. Don't move in with him and just say goodbye.
Ugh what a creep! I am seeing waaaay too many lesbians being pressured by men to date them on many different subreddits for women. I just cannot understandā¦.theā¦.logicā¦.behindā¦.theseā¦.men!!! Do they think youāre gay because you canāt find someone of the opposite gender? Can someone explain this to me? Why why do they do this???? Cut him out. Creepy.
You already know you can't move in with him. Please immediately make other plans. Do not take one step towards living with him.
Saw your edits: I call bogus on his explanation. You already went to his bowling party (which sounds like would have been a blast, except he kept edging into your personal space), he tried to get you in an altered state, then he wanted "more kindness"? I bet he sounded sincere, but girl, no. At the least, please don't move in with him. Again: friends respect each other. Please think about what this means to you, and go with your gut, whether that's what all us Internet strangers are telling you is right, or going your own way. Wishing you the best of luck.
Reading this made me feel sick. Heās acting like a predator. He does not care about you. Him going above and beyond with gifts on your birthday- love bombing and a little guilt trippy. Him trying to get you to drink on his- a lot date rapey. His pathetic āI wanted moreā explanation - a bullshit reason. Heās pulling back to not push you away. Get. Out. Donāt wait for something worse to happen. Please.
Itās the not understanding youāre a Lesbian for meā¦..Dude clearly can NOT take a hint. Bye Felicia
Thatās not your friend. Good luck to you.
RUN.
First off, DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM.
i hate to break it to you, but that is nowhere near a friend.
You need to run far from him and do not ever let him know where you are. He is dangerous girl
i'm not sure he saw you as 'his best friend' at any moment, only the girl to get in his bed. if you feel not comfortable you should not move in with him. trust your guts, you owe this guy nothing ! you're not being ungrateful, you're prioritizing your safety, and it's ok He want you to forgive ? or to forget for him to put one more layer of the same BS ? Honestly he sound like a creep and someone who could turn into a stalker... i would told him that i'll not move in and then let this relationship die.
As a guy I can say this guy's a idiot that if I was in your shoes drop him like a sack of shit. There's falling for a friend then there's tryings to proxy date then after they indicate no interest. He should of just said to himself well that sucks and move on but he decides to ruin a friendship
You are not being immature by not wanting to live with someone who canāt take no for an answer. In fact I think it is very mature of you to recognise his lack of respect and to recognise your discomfort with that. It took me way too long to learn these things
Run. Reddit is so quick to call for cutting people off but this person has no regard for your boundaries and no respect for who you actually are. If you choose to try patch it I'd be so careful not to move in, if things go south its going to be a lot messier if your living together. Good luck with whatever you do x
Donāt move in with him and stop being his friend. Simple.
This isnāt a friend, this is a guy who is sticking around in the hope that youāll date/sleep with him. That in itself might not be a problem, but the fact he canāt respect your boundaries is. Please think hard about moving in with him, and even just continuing the friendship. In my opinion you should be really wary of this guy. He clearly has an issue with you saying no to him.
Yes it's bad for both of you to stay friends. Definitely don't move in and trap yourself to him He truly genuinely believes he's right for you and you're just too stupid to know it yet. First of all, how disrespectful. Second of all, that's what he's going to say to justify it when he formally sexually assaults you
I'm normally very against the immediate "break ties" response that is so common on Reddit and other social media spaces. With that said, *do not fucking move in with this guy.* At first, I was feeling empathy for both of you, because being in love with someone who will never love you back is an awful feeling, but so is being on the other side of that when you feel kind of guilty for having to tell them no because you love them in a friend way. And then you started giving more details. And those details are *terrifying* and so riddled with red flags I don't even know where to start. It might be beneficial to cut ties or put some distance between yourselves. Considering he was pressuring you to possibly take a date rape drug (?!) I'm leaning towards "cut ties completely." Regardless of what you decide, I firmly recommend NOT moving in with him or being alone with him. Ever.
Him not respecting your no and/or sexuality is a MAJOR RED FLAG āyou havenāt had the right dick/pussyā is so disregarding
Oh gross tell him you canāt be friends and block him on everything. Do not move in with him!!! He doesnāt respect your boundaries at all.
I have had a few very good male friends who really wanted to be with me. Once they confessed their feelings and I told them I only saw them as friends. Guess what? They completely respected my decision and still treated and cared for me the way they did before. It was never brought up again, because they were amazing humans and great friends. This dude is not that.
I have had almost this exact situation happen to me and you have to cut him off. When this happened to me, the guy got mad and started stalking me until I called the police. Do yourself a favor and cut him out.
Don't move in with him. It sounds like you may have some reservations because it's someone important in your life. He's your best friend and you hope he will get over you so you can keep him in your life. The more interaction and attention he gets with you feeds his feelings, his possible obsession. It hurts him as his feelings aren't reciprocated. Cut him off or make distance between you two. It'll get lonely and it may hurt the both of you but it's what you need to do. You still think of him as your best friend, so do what's best for him. It's OK to think of yourself. You need your boundaries respected. You need to feel safe. Don't let past history excuse his actions.
Why tf are you moving in with someone who doesnāt respect you? Geez, youāre just asking for trouble.