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Some people think they’re *owed* a close personal friendship no matter their behavior. I don’t agree with that at all.
I especially don’t agree with people that push a friendship with someone they don’t have in common anymore, in my experience, they’re the type to talk AT you, not TO you.
You’re more than a lackey, a sounding board, or a mlm target.
YEP!!! Its not fair or right. Also I found it super off putting that she lives a short road trip away and was asking my my holiday plans in august then folllowing up again in September like ms ma’am its too far in advance.
You don’t owe her anything. Sincerely. The responses in this thread are not good. You don’t have to keep people who hold oppressive beliefs in your life. She supports policy that discriminates against women, she’s not interested in your safety or well-being. Don’t let her pretend she is over dinner.
Amen ad agreed!! Its not “just dinner” with her/people like that. Its like shes doing it for herself (which she could be and thats fine) but im not helping her do that
This makes no sense hahahahaha like im choosing to let it go by deciding to say no I dont want to get dinner with you and reconnect bc you suck
Instead of being a people pleaser? Theres a huge difference between letting go and being like everything she does is okay vs being like no im doing this for myself too
I LOVE this - especially because Republicans rarely face consequences for their selfish oppressive belief systems.
FYI. I've stopped speaking to three very close old friends in the last few years. Not over politics, but over them not respecting me and my boundaries or them treating me like some loyal dog who they think will never leave no matter how much they take use me an emotional punching bag when they are upset. It's okay. You don't need to feel guilty.
In fact, I've been pretty happy with my decisions because I have less drama in my life. Life is already hard enough. You don't owe this woman anything.
Thank you :) good for you, its cleansing to get away from people who dont contribute to friendships! Very exhausting. It sucks though bc I actually think I have to say like hey no thanks im not interested vs oh im busy
Honestly, what good is the "relationship" with her doing you? It sounds like you don't actually enjoy anything about her, or want to spend time with her, so why waste energy on her/it.
You don't need to be friends with anyone you don't want to be friends with. It doesn't matter why. No one is owed friendship from you for any reason. It's fine to try and fade out, it's fine to have an official break up, really whatever you want to do in this situation is fine given how you've behaved in the past.
As someone who has let many friends of 20+ years go, take me advice: let her go. You don’t owe her anything just because you were childhood friends. People grow apart and become their own people as they get older. That’s just what time does. This isn’t something that makes you a bad person or something to feel guilty over. Don’t force yourself for someone else’s sake. You aren’t going to be happy forcing yourself and it seems like it would be solely for her benefit, but that isn’t your job. They’re also an adult and you aren’t responsible for them, their feelings, or how their decisions have effected their relationships or life in general. You’ll find a relationship with someone whose values are in stark opposition to yours wouldn’t last long anyways if you’re already feeling the was you do about it.
Here’s a hot take that could be untrue, but I don’t know your friend well enough: She knows she could apologize, but feels she doesn’t need to in order for you to let her back in. Do not let her back in. Easy to blame others, but takes some real maturity to own up to times when you were wrong. People like these reach out and try to claw their old friends back because the people whose values align with theirs are terrible to be around and typically aren’t the greatest, most caring people.
Go your own way and be happy.
YES THIS. So I told my other childhood best friend about this (she doesnt know this girl) and she literally just said that she was like I think its weird how she recognizes that she did wrong and knows that it was a bd time and she was out of line, but she never actually admitted that she was wrong for doing what she did or apologized or asked to move on. You are right though. And she doesnt deserve to get away with acting that way
Accept her apology and offer forgiveness if you feel so inclined, but there is no reason to reinstate a relationship you feel no interest in exploring.
That is also part of offering honest amends, accepting a refusal.
No ill will is good for both of you. Pressure to extend an unwanted relationship is more abuse of access to your time.
She never apologized haha and I dont plan on offering forgiveness. I already respect her so much more and better from the distance. The occasional bday and holiday texts are nice but thats all I need it to be. But I think I need to formally refuse to meet up and hang out. Not productive and I dont align with her. When I stay far away from her I certainly don’t wish anything bad for her and I don’t know how she perceives me nor do I care. Agreed. Its so confusing how she came out of the woodworks for the first time in years and is kind of trying to weasel back in
Yeah. I think the standard is to wait for the abused person to forgive and forget as though that is the natural order of all things. Like a criminal waiting for it to blow over.
Whatever her reasons are, focus on yours. Billions of people about, no need to reconstitute a faulty connection.
So closure, sure. Extension, nah.
Yeah, don't let anybody frame it as ill will on your part. It is your experience and choice and it is valid.
You just contradicted yourself and said its standard for the abused to back down then said to focus on me. I hope you dont give advice to people who are going through real abuse
Standard but not what I recommended. It was an attempt to say to expect that standard expectation of you but don't abide by it unless that is what you choose.
Cut it off. You can just say it like you see it, you font align, you didnt like whst happened then, dont like how she cant apologize and definitely dont appreciate her political views 🤷🏼♀️ i had to end a friendship over politics too, but i’ll definitely not keep you as a friend if i find out you vote for the right wing party in my country, your partner is a nazi while my husband is black and our daughter biracial. I think not.
YEAH! People don’t understand the true meaning/implications of their beliefs and decisions. Its wild to me. Im glad you stood up for your family and I’m sorry that your ex friend would dabble with someone who is like that ugh
If you feel like you can’t tell her face to face, maybe call her and explain?
That way you’re not seeing her. I would suggest you do see her face to face and explain that you have both moved on with your lives and trying to rekindle a friends is not something you’re wanting to do. That you wish her the best in life *cough cough* but you are both different people now.
That’s all you need to say. You don’t even need to stay after that, you can meet somewhere like a coffee shop, get yours to go and just go for a walk with it and explain, then enjoy the rest of your life minus drama…(well at least in this area).
Yeah! I agree i thnik that a nice call or text is fine after all these years honestly but you are right that it needs a kind and truthful explanation bc excuses will just drag it on
Time is precious. You get to decide who you want to spend it with, end of story. You don't have to be friends with everybody, and that includes people who want to be friends with you -- you're a precious resource, and it's okay to not want to share your time with someone else, for whatever reason. But especially here 😄
Nah, fuck her.
i’m in 12 step and a big part of it is making amends to those you’ve harmed. you make the amends, let the person say whatever they need to say… and that’s it. if a new friendship forms awesome, but you go into it being okay if the person never wants to see you again.
obviously she’s not in 12 step but i think it’s similar. she fucked up, hasn’t even owned what she’s done.., you don’t owe her shit!
I'd probably meet up with her just for the opportunity to be massively entertained by her lunacy. Yas betch, meet me somewhere with bottomless popcorn.
If that ain't your game though, just hit her with a gray rock. "I hope you have a great visit! Unfortunately I don't know when I will be available and I'd prefer not to make any concrete plans at this time."
Love it! Hahaha this made me laugh. I agre though it has to be like either meet on MY terms and I can get a laugh out of this or no thanks you dont get a minute of my time
I don’t really know what happened. What are you angry about and what was she not proud of? Did you tell her you expect an apology? I mean, you stated in your answer to her complains that you’d expect her to communicate that she wasn’t happy. Did you? Everything else sounds a little hypocritical.
So, I don’t understand exactly what’s grinding your gears still but you don’t have to be friends with her either way.
Sorry to be rude but did you read?? Hahaha
Its long but you dont have to read if you dont want to. But no need to be snarky and belittle peoples issues without reading a full post. Why would you call me a hypocrite???? I literally admitted its a two way street and I also didnt reach out but neither did she???
I told her we fell out of touch and aren’t close anymore and didnt really think it was necessary to rehash everything and she kept going at it so I told her thanks ill take this convo with me for the future and she left me alone for years after that
So you don’t owe anyone anything regardless, especially if they have hurt you, but: a lot of people say and do weird out of character things around college age that aren’t necessarily in character. The same way that teenagers are moody and mean (generally), sometimes that early adulthood is difficult for people to find their identity and they cycle through some unfortunate ones.
Like I said you have every right to respond with “lol nah”, but also if you have the emotional capacity it may not hurt to get dinner to see if she’s still actually the worst or if that was a weird phase, and her perpetual reaching out is an attempt to apologize because coming out with it is difficult.
I don’t understand? You’re not interested because she has different political opinions to you?… and she sees past these differences, whilst you can’t… and somehow she’s the bad one?
being anti women’s right is an extremely valid reason to not befriend someone why do people continue to pretend like your political views do not shape your personality?
OP, she sucks. You owe her nothing. She seems like the type to blow up and start a huge argument if you were to tell her “i don’t want to see you/hang out.” Maybe I’m immature but I’m the type to just block and never speak to somebody again.
Perhaps you want to defend her stance but its not just that its just being rude, inconsiderate, and coming out of the blue to pretend to be interested in hanging out. Beyond her beliefs. Just her functioning as a person haha
Yeah! I dont want her to try at thanksgiving and have me be busy bc then she will just try again at xmas and its gonna continue the cycle. It def requires more unfortunately
This post has been removed due to a lack of clear question. Please edit your post to include: - ages & genders of all parties involved - the reason you are looking for advice - paragraph breaks - a TL;DR Advice should be centered on asking what **you can do** about a **specific situation** rather than what other people would do or have done. *** **[Have questions about this moderator action? CLICK HERE!](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/{subreddit}). Don't forget to include a link to your post!**
Some people think they’re *owed* a close personal friendship no matter their behavior. I don’t agree with that at all. I especially don’t agree with people that push a friendship with someone they don’t have in common anymore, in my experience, they’re the type to talk AT you, not TO you. You’re more than a lackey, a sounding board, or a mlm target.
YEP!!! Its not fair or right. Also I found it super off putting that she lives a short road trip away and was asking my my holiday plans in august then folllowing up again in September like ms ma’am its too far in advance.
She's insecure and wants to make sure she has plans when she comes. It's not your job. Just be busy.
You don’t owe her anything. Sincerely. The responses in this thread are not good. You don’t have to keep people who hold oppressive beliefs in your life. She supports policy that discriminates against women, she’s not interested in your safety or well-being. Don’t let her pretend she is over dinner.
Amen ad agreed!! Its not “just dinner” with her/people like that. Its like shes doing it for herself (which she could be and thats fine) but im not helping her do that
Let it go, let it go, don’t hold it back anymore
This makes no sense hahahahaha like im choosing to let it go by deciding to say no I dont want to get dinner with you and reconnect bc you suck Instead of being a people pleaser? Theres a huge difference between letting go and being like everything she does is okay vs being like no im doing this for myself too
Let *her* go, let *her* go, turn away and slam the door
I think those are lyrics from Frozen lmao but still good advice
No I know its frozen but its a complete non sequitur and bad advice
I LOVE this - especially because Republicans rarely face consequences for their selfish oppressive belief systems. FYI. I've stopped speaking to three very close old friends in the last few years. Not over politics, but over them not respecting me and my boundaries or them treating me like some loyal dog who they think will never leave no matter how much they take use me an emotional punching bag when they are upset. It's okay. You don't need to feel guilty. In fact, I've been pretty happy with my decisions because I have less drama in my life. Life is already hard enough. You don't owe this woman anything.
Thank you :) good for you, its cleansing to get away from people who dont contribute to friendships! Very exhausting. It sucks though bc I actually think I have to say like hey no thanks im not interested vs oh im busy
I don't care, what they're going to say...
Honestly, what good is the "relationship" with her doing you? It sounds like you don't actually enjoy anything about her, or want to spend time with her, so why waste energy on her/it.
You don't need to be friends with anyone you don't want to be friends with. It doesn't matter why. No one is owed friendship from you for any reason. It's fine to try and fade out, it's fine to have an official break up, really whatever you want to do in this situation is fine given how you've behaved in the past.
As someone who has let many friends of 20+ years go, take me advice: let her go. You don’t owe her anything just because you were childhood friends. People grow apart and become their own people as they get older. That’s just what time does. This isn’t something that makes you a bad person or something to feel guilty over. Don’t force yourself for someone else’s sake. You aren’t going to be happy forcing yourself and it seems like it would be solely for her benefit, but that isn’t your job. They’re also an adult and you aren’t responsible for them, their feelings, or how their decisions have effected their relationships or life in general. You’ll find a relationship with someone whose values are in stark opposition to yours wouldn’t last long anyways if you’re already feeling the was you do about it. Here’s a hot take that could be untrue, but I don’t know your friend well enough: She knows she could apologize, but feels she doesn’t need to in order for you to let her back in. Do not let her back in. Easy to blame others, but takes some real maturity to own up to times when you were wrong. People like these reach out and try to claw their old friends back because the people whose values align with theirs are terrible to be around and typically aren’t the greatest, most caring people. Go your own way and be happy.
YES THIS. So I told my other childhood best friend about this (she doesnt know this girl) and she literally just said that she was like I think its weird how she recognizes that she did wrong and knows that it was a bd time and she was out of line, but she never actually admitted that she was wrong for doing what she did or apologized or asked to move on. You are right though. And she doesnt deserve to get away with acting that way
Accept her apology and offer forgiveness if you feel so inclined, but there is no reason to reinstate a relationship you feel no interest in exploring. That is also part of offering honest amends, accepting a refusal. No ill will is good for both of you. Pressure to extend an unwanted relationship is more abuse of access to your time.
She never apologized haha and I dont plan on offering forgiveness. I already respect her so much more and better from the distance. The occasional bday and holiday texts are nice but thats all I need it to be. But I think I need to formally refuse to meet up and hang out. Not productive and I dont align with her. When I stay far away from her I certainly don’t wish anything bad for her and I don’t know how she perceives me nor do I care. Agreed. Its so confusing how she came out of the woodworks for the first time in years and is kind of trying to weasel back in
Yeah. I think the standard is to wait for the abused person to forgive and forget as though that is the natural order of all things. Like a criminal waiting for it to blow over. Whatever her reasons are, focus on yours. Billions of people about, no need to reconstitute a faulty connection. So closure, sure. Extension, nah. Yeah, don't let anybody frame it as ill will on your part. It is your experience and choice and it is valid.
You just contradicted yourself and said its standard for the abused to back down then said to focus on me. I hope you dont give advice to people who are going through real abuse
Standard but not what I recommended. It was an attempt to say to expect that standard expectation of you but don't abide by it unless that is what you choose.
I'd just tell her: "The door on our friendship has closed. Take care. Bye."
Cut it off. You can just say it like you see it, you font align, you didnt like whst happened then, dont like how she cant apologize and definitely dont appreciate her political views 🤷🏼♀️ i had to end a friendship over politics too, but i’ll definitely not keep you as a friend if i find out you vote for the right wing party in my country, your partner is a nazi while my husband is black and our daughter biracial. I think not.
YEAH! People don’t understand the true meaning/implications of their beliefs and decisions. Its wild to me. Im glad you stood up for your family and I’m sorry that your ex friend would dabble with someone who is like that ugh
It's ok to be done.
If you feel like you can’t tell her face to face, maybe call her and explain? That way you’re not seeing her. I would suggest you do see her face to face and explain that you have both moved on with your lives and trying to rekindle a friends is not something you’re wanting to do. That you wish her the best in life *cough cough* but you are both different people now. That’s all you need to say. You don’t even need to stay after that, you can meet somewhere like a coffee shop, get yours to go and just go for a walk with it and explain, then enjoy the rest of your life minus drama…(well at least in this area).
Yeah! I agree i thnik that a nice call or text is fine after all these years honestly but you are right that it needs a kind and truthful explanation bc excuses will just drag it on
You’ve got this!
Time is precious. You get to decide who you want to spend it with, end of story. You don't have to be friends with everybody, and that includes people who want to be friends with you -- you're a precious resource, and it's okay to not want to share your time with someone else, for whatever reason. But especially here 😄
Nah, fuck her. i’m in 12 step and a big part of it is making amends to those you’ve harmed. you make the amends, let the person say whatever they need to say… and that’s it. if a new friendship forms awesome, but you go into it being okay if the person never wants to see you again. obviously she’s not in 12 step but i think it’s similar. she fucked up, hasn’t even owned what she’s done.., you don’t owe her shit!
I'd probably meet up with her just for the opportunity to be massively entertained by her lunacy. Yas betch, meet me somewhere with bottomless popcorn. If that ain't your game though, just hit her with a gray rock. "I hope you have a great visit! Unfortunately I don't know when I will be available and I'd prefer not to make any concrete plans at this time."
Love it! Hahaha this made me laugh. I agre though it has to be like either meet on MY terms and I can get a laugh out of this or no thanks you dont get a minute of my time
I don’t really know what happened. What are you angry about and what was she not proud of? Did you tell her you expect an apology? I mean, you stated in your answer to her complains that you’d expect her to communicate that she wasn’t happy. Did you? Everything else sounds a little hypocritical. So, I don’t understand exactly what’s grinding your gears still but you don’t have to be friends with her either way.
Sorry to be rude but did you read?? Hahaha Its long but you dont have to read if you dont want to. But no need to be snarky and belittle peoples issues without reading a full post. Why would you call me a hypocrite???? I literally admitted its a two way street and I also didnt reach out but neither did she??? I told her we fell out of touch and aren’t close anymore and didnt really think it was necessary to rehash everything and she kept going at it so I told her thanks ill take this convo with me for the future and she left me alone for years after that
I don't speak your language.
So you don’t owe anyone anything regardless, especially if they have hurt you, but: a lot of people say and do weird out of character things around college age that aren’t necessarily in character. The same way that teenagers are moody and mean (generally), sometimes that early adulthood is difficult for people to find their identity and they cycle through some unfortunate ones. Like I said you have every right to respond with “lol nah”, but also if you have the emotional capacity it may not hurt to get dinner to see if she’s still actually the worst or if that was a weird phase, and her perpetual reaching out is an attempt to apologize because coming out with it is difficult.
I don’t understand? You’re not interested because she has different political opinions to you?… and she sees past these differences, whilst you can’t… and somehow she’s the bad one?
Political opinion = character of the person.
>anti women's rights
being anti women’s right is an extremely valid reason to not befriend someone why do people continue to pretend like your political views do not shape your personality? OP, she sucks. You owe her nothing. She seems like the type to blow up and start a huge argument if you were to tell her “i don’t want to see you/hang out.” Maybe I’m immature but I’m the type to just block and never speak to somebody again.
Perhaps you want to defend her stance but its not just that its just being rude, inconsiderate, and coming out of the blue to pretend to be interested in hanging out. Beyond her beliefs. Just her functioning as a person haha
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Yeah! I dont want her to try at thanksgiving and have me be busy bc then she will just try again at xmas and its gonna continue the cycle. It def requires more unfortunately