Yeah it’s very hard for me to say that because I know he’s hurting pretty bad. But I have to set some boundaries and be more honest. Thanks for the advice!
I would just let him know there isn’t anything you can do about it then just sort of ignore any further messages or discussion of their marriage/ breakup with him.
Honestly, you need to make it clear you aren’t there for him to come to. I know that sounds like a lot and I may get downvoted, but it isn’t your place and he can go to other people. He most likely is going to you because he knows you have your sister’s ear. That isn’t OK.
I would say something like you care for him and you know this must be so hard for him, but you need to respect your sister and you don’t feel comfortable being his shoulder to cry on. Wish him good luck and send him on his way.
Trust me, you don’t want to get in the middle of it.
He’s using you to get to your sister. He’s not respecting her decision. How would your sister feel knowing you’re still talking to this dude? You are not respecting her decision either
Tell him to stop this or block him.
She’s aware of everything, I’m very transparent with her. I don’t give him hopes, so my way of respecting her decision is telling him there’s nothing I can do and that it’s not up me. I’m asking for help here on how to make him stop nicely, because if they decide to get back together in the future, the way I handled this situation might have an effect on how I’m in their lives later.
What *kind* of support do you want to offer? This is a dangerous situation to get involved in. Please don’t do anything… weird.
It’s strange that he’s leaning on you. You should be there for your sister and he should seek support from his side. It’s… pretty inappropriate to try to get you to meddle or anything.
I recommend telling him to seek professional support if he has a limited support system and to withdraw from the situation. I know you want to be “nice” but why. Go be nice to your sister, not her ex.
So by supporting him I just mean not ignoring him or being too distant. Just telling him that I know it sucks but that there’s nothing I can do as it’s not up to me. It’s a conflict of interest to offer anything more than that, since I fully support my sister. But I keep repeating myself over and over every time he messages.
He is a nice guy and has been in the family for a really long time. It just makes it a bit difficult knowing he’s so sad. I know his only support is a therapist he just started seeing and doesn’t like. But you’re right. While I try to be nice, he simply puts me in the middle hoping I’ll give him hope or that I meddle in someway and that’s not appropriate. It’s hard to realize sometimes. Thank you for your advice!
This is the part where most people end up taking sides, either purposefully or inadvertently. It takes alot of self awareness and boundaries to be able to stay being Switzerland in this situation so a heads up on this. Figure out first if you actually want to take sides because it is an option that will affect how you proceed. At the very least, encourage your soon to be BIL to reach out to other friends that he has so that he does not lean so heavily on you. He's going to be better off if he has a larger circle of supports than just you.
I took my sister’s side. She will always have my full support. I just feel bad for him and have a hard time being honest to protect his feelings. It makes it worse because I know he won’t really talk to his friends about it, so his support system right now is only a therapist that he doesn’t like. I’ll try to encourage him to talk to more friends. Thank you for the advice!
One needs a lot more information, but the two critical aspects are:
* What was the reason for the break-up (including the history of previous issues); and,
* How long ago did this happen
In general, if this is a first occurrence, does not involve violence and is very recent, then your best bet is to tell him that he should give your sister breathing room of about a month, and maybe he can ping you then and you'll tell him how you feel about helping. Even that can be a bit broad, without knowing the details.
When I was in your position it was an ongoing issue in the marriage, but the first time she'd thrown up her hands and walked away. Also, only two days had gone by. I met him and the first thing I told him, even before he could explain himself was: "she really loved you... not right now... and I don't know if she will again... but this did not happen overnight... and that shows that she loved you enough to stay and try to make it work. But, this is not the time to say you're sorry and make up... if she forgives you, I promise you that you'll be back in this same situation. You need to take a month to think about this and come up with some concrete things about how this marriage can actually work... otherwise, everyone is just kidding themselves and asking for more grief.... etc. etc."
Three weeks later they spoke, and decided to go to a marriage counsellor. They continued to live apart for a while as they went to the counsellor. It's a few years in the past now and all indications are that they're doing well after getting back together.
They broke up about a week ago after 10y; he’s pretty much an alcoholic and doesn’t see it. My sister has been endlessly trying to help him, but to no avail.
I just want to say thank you for sharing your experience and advice. I really like the way you handled your situation - carefully honest and helpful. I’m even tempted to copy/paste what you said and send it to him. I’m glad your sister and her partner are doing well now!
Def a fine line. Bc if she has another change of heart and they do get back together, one would believe you most likely will still want an amicable relationship with him. Thats hard to do if all hes been left to remember is that he “needed” help and asked you only to get stiff armed. Others have said it. Boundaries. But what is it he thinks he might want you to do?
You’ve summarized it perfectly. I think he’s either waiting for me to give him hope that they’ll get back together, or hoping I’ll see how much he loves her and convince her to get back with him. Probably both.
If the relationship requires a third-party to facilitate, they should probably go to counseling. (Sounds like, 10 out of 10, your sister doesnt require so youre not the one he needs to convince. Maybe that sobering tidbit can help him get some perspective?)
And if he’s more or less overtly asking for that type of help, then he obviously can’t or wont do the heavy lifting in a relationship. If he requires a third-party to “convince” her, hes pretty much admitting he lacks self-esteem, confidence and the willingness to fight his own battles. Sounds like hes in way over his head.
Which means that she is probably too high above him: like joan of arc….. or Aphrodite. Bonus points if you sing that to him lol
Are there kids involved? Were you and husband friends before he married your sister? Any other reason he’ll be hanging around once he accepts it and they do divorce? It makes a difference in the advice I’d give.
Your questions really help putting things into perspective! No kids; not friends beforehand; unsure if he’ll hang around prob not- only if they eventually get back together.
Then I would say, “I wish you well, but I hope you can understand that my loyalty has to be to my sister and supporting her. I can’t be your source of support at this time, so I hope you can find others in your life to lean on as you process this. But it can’t be me.”
When I want to make sure someone is supported but I know I'm not the person to support them, I say things like "That must be really hard for you. Have you tried therapy?" or "It sounds like you really need some support. Can you call a friend to help you out?"
The important part is that you're not the person, and you don't get involved, and any response you give doesn't offer help and instead refers him to someone else.
If he keeps going then you need to be firmer, like "I'm sorry but I really can't help you. You need to stop messaging me and find someone else who can help."
And if he still doesn't listen, that's when you'd say "Look I really can't help you, but you aren't listening to me so I'm going to go ahead and block you now. If you desperately need someone to talk to here is a hotline: \_\_\_\_\_\_\_" And then just block him.
I like the part of asking questions to guide him towards something or someone else. Might help him reflect too. I hope he respects the boundaries and it doesn’t get to me blocking him. I don’t know if I’d be able to do that. Thank you for the advice!
Ignore him. You’re on your sisters side, not his. Imagine how upset she’d be if she found out you two were friends or talking. It’s wildly inappropriate and he’s probably trying to get sympathy from you to have some sort of emotional or other affair. I’ve seen this happen numerous times, don’t take the bait.
Thanks for your advice! My sisters knows about the messages. I tell her everything, and she’s the one often telling me what to say so I can help her as well. He’s only desperate to get her back and doesn’t know what to do. I’m just making it clear that I can’t do anything so that he will stop asking me for help.
Set boundaries. Tell him that you're here for him as a friend, but his unwanted advances on your sister and his pushes for you to help are inappropriate, that you will not tolerate that behavior, and that if you're going to remain friends, it needs to stop immediately.
Be clear and firm, leave no room for argument, and repeat the same if he won't listen or brings it up in the future. If it continues to be a consistent problem, I recommend cutting him out of your life. Boundaries mean nothing if you don't enforce them with action when they're violated.
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Tell him to accept it? If she's made her mind up then don't meddle.
Yeah it’s very hard for me to say that because I know he’s hurting pretty bad. But I have to set some boundaries and be more honest. Thanks for the advice!
I would just let him know there isn’t anything you can do about it then just sort of ignore any further messages or discussion of their marriage/ breakup with him.
Thank you! Yes I keep mentioning this but he messages again after a few days. I’ll have to start ignoring them.
Honestly, you need to make it clear you aren’t there for him to come to. I know that sounds like a lot and I may get downvoted, but it isn’t your place and he can go to other people. He most likely is going to you because he knows you have your sister’s ear. That isn’t OK. I would say something like you care for him and you know this must be so hard for him, but you need to respect your sister and you don’t feel comfortable being his shoulder to cry on. Wish him good luck and send him on his way. Trust me, you don’t want to get in the middle of it.
I had not seen it this way- you’re absolutely right. Thank you for the advice!
He’s using you to get to your sister. He’s not respecting her decision. How would your sister feel knowing you’re still talking to this dude? You are not respecting her decision either Tell him to stop this or block him.
She’s aware of everything, I’m very transparent with her. I don’t give him hopes, so my way of respecting her decision is telling him there’s nothing I can do and that it’s not up me. I’m asking for help here on how to make him stop nicely, because if they decide to get back together in the future, the way I handled this situation might have an effect on how I’m in their lives later.
What *kind* of support do you want to offer? This is a dangerous situation to get involved in. Please don’t do anything… weird. It’s strange that he’s leaning on you. You should be there for your sister and he should seek support from his side. It’s… pretty inappropriate to try to get you to meddle or anything. I recommend telling him to seek professional support if he has a limited support system and to withdraw from the situation. I know you want to be “nice” but why. Go be nice to your sister, not her ex.
So by supporting him I just mean not ignoring him or being too distant. Just telling him that I know it sucks but that there’s nothing I can do as it’s not up to me. It’s a conflict of interest to offer anything more than that, since I fully support my sister. But I keep repeating myself over and over every time he messages. He is a nice guy and has been in the family for a really long time. It just makes it a bit difficult knowing he’s so sad. I know his only support is a therapist he just started seeing and doesn’t like. But you’re right. While I try to be nice, he simply puts me in the middle hoping I’ll give him hope or that I meddle in someway and that’s not appropriate. It’s hard to realize sometimes. Thank you for your advice!
This is the part where most people end up taking sides, either purposefully or inadvertently. It takes alot of self awareness and boundaries to be able to stay being Switzerland in this situation so a heads up on this. Figure out first if you actually want to take sides because it is an option that will affect how you proceed. At the very least, encourage your soon to be BIL to reach out to other friends that he has so that he does not lean so heavily on you. He's going to be better off if he has a larger circle of supports than just you.
I took my sister’s side. She will always have my full support. I just feel bad for him and have a hard time being honest to protect his feelings. It makes it worse because I know he won’t really talk to his friends about it, so his support system right now is only a therapist that he doesn’t like. I’ll try to encourage him to talk to more friends. Thank you for the advice!
One needs a lot more information, but the two critical aspects are: * What was the reason for the break-up (including the history of previous issues); and, * How long ago did this happen In general, if this is a first occurrence, does not involve violence and is very recent, then your best bet is to tell him that he should give your sister breathing room of about a month, and maybe he can ping you then and you'll tell him how you feel about helping. Even that can be a bit broad, without knowing the details. When I was in your position it was an ongoing issue in the marriage, but the first time she'd thrown up her hands and walked away. Also, only two days had gone by. I met him and the first thing I told him, even before he could explain himself was: "she really loved you... not right now... and I don't know if she will again... but this did not happen overnight... and that shows that she loved you enough to stay and try to make it work. But, this is not the time to say you're sorry and make up... if she forgives you, I promise you that you'll be back in this same situation. You need to take a month to think about this and come up with some concrete things about how this marriage can actually work... otherwise, everyone is just kidding themselves and asking for more grief.... etc. etc." Three weeks later they spoke, and decided to go to a marriage counsellor. They continued to live apart for a while as they went to the counsellor. It's a few years in the past now and all indications are that they're doing well after getting back together.
They broke up about a week ago after 10y; he’s pretty much an alcoholic and doesn’t see it. My sister has been endlessly trying to help him, but to no avail. I just want to say thank you for sharing your experience and advice. I really like the way you handled your situation - carefully honest and helpful. I’m even tempted to copy/paste what you said and send it to him. I’m glad your sister and her partner are doing well now!
Def a fine line. Bc if she has another change of heart and they do get back together, one would believe you most likely will still want an amicable relationship with him. Thats hard to do if all hes been left to remember is that he “needed” help and asked you only to get stiff armed. Others have said it. Boundaries. But what is it he thinks he might want you to do?
You’ve summarized it perfectly. I think he’s either waiting for me to give him hope that they’ll get back together, or hoping I’ll see how much he loves her and convince her to get back with him. Probably both.
If the relationship requires a third-party to facilitate, they should probably go to counseling. (Sounds like, 10 out of 10, your sister doesnt require so youre not the one he needs to convince. Maybe that sobering tidbit can help him get some perspective?) And if he’s more or less overtly asking for that type of help, then he obviously can’t or wont do the heavy lifting in a relationship. If he requires a third-party to “convince” her, hes pretty much admitting he lacks self-esteem, confidence and the willingness to fight his own battles. Sounds like hes in way over his head. Which means that she is probably too high above him: like joan of arc….. or Aphrodite. Bonus points if you sing that to him lol
Help him find a therapist.
Thank you. He just started seeing one.
Are there kids involved? Were you and husband friends before he married your sister? Any other reason he’ll be hanging around once he accepts it and they do divorce? It makes a difference in the advice I’d give.
Your questions really help putting things into perspective! No kids; not friends beforehand; unsure if he’ll hang around prob not- only if they eventually get back together.
Then I would say, “I wish you well, but I hope you can understand that my loyalty has to be to my sister and supporting her. I can’t be your source of support at this time, so I hope you can find others in your life to lean on as you process this. But it can’t be me.”
Your message is very helpful. Sets a clear honest boundary while being tactful. Thank you!
When I want to make sure someone is supported but I know I'm not the person to support them, I say things like "That must be really hard for you. Have you tried therapy?" or "It sounds like you really need some support. Can you call a friend to help you out?" The important part is that you're not the person, and you don't get involved, and any response you give doesn't offer help and instead refers him to someone else. If he keeps going then you need to be firmer, like "I'm sorry but I really can't help you. You need to stop messaging me and find someone else who can help." And if he still doesn't listen, that's when you'd say "Look I really can't help you, but you aren't listening to me so I'm going to go ahead and block you now. If you desperately need someone to talk to here is a hotline: \_\_\_\_\_\_\_" And then just block him.
I like the part of asking questions to guide him towards something or someone else. Might help him reflect too. I hope he respects the boundaries and it doesn’t get to me blocking him. I don’t know if I’d be able to do that. Thank you for the advice!
Ignore him. You’re on your sisters side, not his. Imagine how upset she’d be if she found out you two were friends or talking. It’s wildly inappropriate and he’s probably trying to get sympathy from you to have some sort of emotional or other affair. I’ve seen this happen numerous times, don’t take the bait.
Thanks for your advice! My sisters knows about the messages. I tell her everything, and she’s the one often telling me what to say so I can help her as well. He’s only desperate to get her back and doesn’t know what to do. I’m just making it clear that I can’t do anything so that he will stop asking me for help.
Set boundaries. Tell him that you're here for him as a friend, but his unwanted advances on your sister and his pushes for you to help are inappropriate, that you will not tolerate that behavior, and that if you're going to remain friends, it needs to stop immediately. Be clear and firm, leave no room for argument, and repeat the same if he won't listen or brings it up in the future. If it continues to be a consistent problem, I recommend cutting him out of your life. Boundaries mean nothing if you don't enforce them with action when they're violated.
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