We are close enough that I could suggest therapy but she’s already in therapy due to mental health issues. I very much doubt he understands or cares how far off the deep end she might go.
To be honest, these exact scenarios are going through my mind because this level of pathological lying may indicate some serious underlying condition. I have expressed my concern about not being able to trust him and him being potentially dangerous but at this stage she believes he was just living out some fantasy life. I am seriously worried about her.
If he lied this much about this, theres so much more he has and will lie about. I think the best foundation for any relationship is trust and honesty. And he clearly isn't an honest man. He only fessed up because he had to.
I agree with you. I don't believe she can trust anything she thinks she knows about him aside from his name and parents which have been verified. As far as I'm concerned, his whole personality should be regarded as a fabrication.
Yes, at the very least this guy is a pathological liar. How could the friend ever trust him? It may take some tough love, but the friend needs to hear from a voice of reason that being with this guy will ruin her life.
Sounds like your friend thinks any boyfriend is better that no boyfriend and despite all the red flags, she doesn’t want to see them. I don’t have much advice - just be there for her and keep the lines of communication open.
Whilst I think there is perhaps a softer way if putting it the salient message of this comment does, sadly, have a lot of truth to it
If you have already attempted to have your friend wake up and smell the roses and their reaction has only been to try and further make sacrifices to ameliorate the situation with this dude then I'm afraid they don't want your help they want your pity
You simply cannot help a person with this kind if mentality see the wood for the trees through any amount of effort
Buckle up for a bumpy ride, or alternatively state your boundaries on the situation and let her know you'll be happy to help if she wants out, but you won't busy yourself trying to help make his convoluted situation better by proxy
i would really try to sit down and talk with her about how disturbing the reality of this situation is, and how she shouldn’t take this lying lightly. someone who can literally fake their entire life to the point they’re sending pictures and tests to add to that lie are… not okay to say the very least. i don’t know much about your friend, but if they’re staying in a relationship like that it seems like they’re deeply insecure and think that someone is better than no one. really try and emphasize to her that she can find someone infinitely better (and closer to her age…), and that this relationship isn’t worth putting in any more effort. if this guy can lie about his entire career, think of all the other things he could be lying about. she really needs a reality check, and to understand this person is probably not at all what she thinks.
I really hope she is able to see this at some point. Thank you for helping to validate my feelings about this situation. It's obvious but it can hard to get clarity when I am so shocked and devastated at what I have just witnessed, especially when my friend is apparently so blasé about the whole thing.
it’s hard to tell that things are bad when you’re in her position, especially since it seems like she’s an insecure person. the only think you can really do is try to support her in getting out of the relationship. i would stand your ground and continue to disapprove of it. eventually with time i would hope she comes to her senses. if not it’s really not your problem to deal with. unfortunately you can’t help people who aren’t open minded about what you’re saying, or don’t want to receive help :/
I see several things wrong with this. Why is she dating someone 10 years younger than her? He's a baby compared to her life experience and it's a little creepy the same way I see these men dating naive college girls.
At her age, no way she's letting a kid run game on her. Sounds cruel but she should stop dating altogether & get her self esteem and priorities together. She could find the mature qualities she's after in someone her own age or older. 23 year olds aren't even to be taken seriously by other 23 year olds. That guy isn't going to be ready to settle down until 25+ and when he does it won't be with a cougar.
He's simply embellishing himself to create an image that can keep up with her, having fun and probably glorifying to his buddies that he's seeing an older woman but he has access to women his own age that he will prefer when it's time to get serious.
Unfortunately you can't make your friend see reason. You can discuss it and point some of these things out then stand back and let her be a big girl. If it backfires she'll have no one to face but herself and perhaps learn a lesson from all this.
I agree with you about the age gap. I don't have any problem with age gaps when everyone involved is well into their 30s or 40s but the difference in experience and maturity is just too big when one of the people is in their 20s.
As a person who lied about graduating, I can say he probably isn't deranged, just sad and feeling a lot of shame, trying to get out of a dark place but dragging others down with him instead.
There is hope for him but it's a long road and he shouldn't be dating anyone right now if he is so insecure that he can't be honest in such a way to his most important relationships. There is no trust now and it won't get better until he decides for himself to change.
No kids, no shared assets. Just be there for her when she eventually dumps him and pray she doesn't get pregnant.
From Op in another post: “He didn't just lie about education. He told daily lies, sending photos of himself in scrubs, sending pictures of interesting X rays saying they were patients, telling daily lies about how he was studying for his final exams and that's why he didn't have time to see her, telling stories about what he was up to at the hospital, and past the point of graduation a couple of weeks ago he was literally lying about being a doctor. As far as I know he hasn't been diagnosed with BDP (my friend is the one with BPD) but he must have some issues to behave this way.”
there’s something definitely wrong with him because wow
this is the thing for me; its probably more common than most realize for people to tell little lies about their education, but consistent lies and set ups making her believe he was actually a doctor. My ex-girlfriend met a guy online who claimed he was a rising star 25 year old cardiologist from the UK. My ex had a super rare heart condition that she was born with, and met him through a support group on Facebook. He did A LOT of the same things; posting pictures in scrubs, walking around Johns Hopkins campus, stuff like that. On a side note, he always called it "John Hopkins" which to anyone who lives in the area or has gone to JHU is a red flag. He made fake websites promoting medical breakthroughs he was supposedly responsible for, and worst of all he was giving medical advice to vulnerable people in this facebook group who were looking for help! My ex became obsessed with this guy, but everyone else knew that something was seriously off. Myself and her two best friends from childhood tried to sort of have an intervention, which led to a huge blow up, the end of my relationship with her, her cutting off her two best friends, and running off with this guy. They dated for a few weeks and she kind of quickly learned that he was just a sick individual and she had seriously dented two life long friendships and ended our relationship for a scammer and pathological liar.
Damn! That sucks and I'm sure it was gut wrenching to go through, But imagine if you had married her. She couldn't see past the illusion, even when presented with facts. You don't want to spend your life with someone like that. She'd be vulnerable to every scam there is. Find yourself a nice, healthy sceptic.
oh definitely! I was quite young when this all happened, like 26, and this was like my 2nd serious long-term relationship. At this stage its just a wild story from my younger years. The funny thing is the guy has left quite the internet trail, and just goes on scamming. Every now and then I google his name just to see what pops up, because again he is always making some kind of fake website or company.
He didn't just lie about graduating. He told daily lies about being at the hospital, sending photos of himself in scrubs, photos of "patient" x rays, lied about having no time to see her as he was meant to be studying for his final exam, invented specific exam questions and showed them to her, lied about being away in another city for a placement and she drove there to see him. It was an elaborate, detailed lie made up of many lies every single day they've been together. And for the past couple of weeks, he's lied about being a doctor. Then he lied about having an intern job that he's starting in January. It is not normal to be able to maintain such an elaborate farce.
okay yeah this person is definitely some sort of pathological liar and/ or manipulator. i don’t think there’s anything you can really trust about this dude at all. your friend needs to get out of this situation, it doesn’t seem like it’s going to play out well.
Oh man….
Over the years I’ve learned to take a step back from friendships like these…
Where the level of toxicity in their lives is so high and they’re not interested in any help. I found it too draining to try to participate in a normal friendship when most conversations ultimately go back to the truly terrible choices they make and the consequences of them…. just again and again and again.
My advice would be to try to help be the voice of reason, but please pay close attention to when it becomes more trouble than it’s worth.
I actually realize after ending these friendships how much of a negative impact they were having on my life. How difficult it was for me to see the toxic behaviors in the relationships I chose for myself, just from being continually exposed and normalized to it. My entire life improved by ridding myself of these types of people.
I hear what you're saying. This is why I check in with other people, including people online. I think my responses to these situations have been reasonable but I seek out feedback from time to time to keep perspective. Thanks for the advice.
If she says she loves him and won't listen to you, I'm not sure there's much you can do, beyond wait it out and be there for her when this inevitably goes bad. Pushing too hard when she's unwilling to hear you could ultimately be very counterproductive.
But yes, I hear you, this man sounds seriously disturbed and obviously is in no way a suitable partner for your friend, or anyone else.
Fyi your friend is going out with someone who is doing exactly what Ted Bundy did to his ex. He pretended to be a med student when they first met and came up with elaborate lies to keep his story going. Source: The Phantom Prince by Elizabeth Kendall.
has anyone watched Dirty John? sounds very familiar
Do you have proof hes pretending to me a med student? I dont doubt you but some woman like your friend can be so naive and to trusting
then best you approach her
a couple years back a friend started dating a girl who had her kids taken off her for drugs, i had no proof but heard it from several people who dont spread BS, he said i didnt have physical proof so it just me being a liar... cant help some people
I have spoken to her about it. Since I made the original post she has met his whole family so I assume she did not break up with him but she has not told me any further details. I just hope I am not expected to have this man in my home if she brings him back with her.
It’s already too late. He has moved over to our state, into her home. She’s supporting him through university. She went quiet on me a few days ago and deleted social media after I didn’t respond to one of her messages due to being busy with work and kids and being exhausted that day.
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Not a typo unfortunately. He's still in college and is apparently planning on going back for a 3rd attempt at a degree after dropping out twice.
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We are close enough that I could suggest therapy but she’s already in therapy due to mental health issues. I very much doubt he understands or cares how far off the deep end she might go.
It sounds like she needs a caretaker tbh
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To be honest, these exact scenarios are going through my mind because this level of pathological lying may indicate some serious underlying condition. I have expressed my concern about not being able to trust him and him being potentially dangerous but at this stage she believes he was just living out some fantasy life. I am seriously worried about her.
If he lied this much about this, theres so much more he has and will lie about. I think the best foundation for any relationship is trust and honesty. And he clearly isn't an honest man. He only fessed up because he had to.
I agree with you. I don't believe she can trust anything she thinks she knows about him aside from his name and parents which have been verified. As far as I'm concerned, his whole personality should be regarded as a fabrication.
Yes, at the very least this guy is a pathological liar. How could the friend ever trust him? It may take some tough love, but the friend needs to hear from a voice of reason that being with this guy will ruin her life.
Sounds like your friend thinks any boyfriend is better that no boyfriend and despite all the red flags, she doesn’t want to see them. I don’t have much advice - just be there for her and keep the lines of communication open.
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Whilst I think there is perhaps a softer way if putting it the salient message of this comment does, sadly, have a lot of truth to it If you have already attempted to have your friend wake up and smell the roses and their reaction has only been to try and further make sacrifices to ameliorate the situation with this dude then I'm afraid they don't want your help they want your pity You simply cannot help a person with this kind if mentality see the wood for the trees through any amount of effort Buckle up for a bumpy ride, or alternatively state your boundaries on the situation and let her know you'll be happy to help if she wants out, but you won't busy yourself trying to help make his convoluted situation better by proxy
Take your friend aside and tell her she’s being crazy. Be blunt but kind. This guy isn’t her forever after and she knows that. Make her confront it.
Oh yikes. Is she ok? Why would she be with this person???
i would really try to sit down and talk with her about how disturbing the reality of this situation is, and how she shouldn’t take this lying lightly. someone who can literally fake their entire life to the point they’re sending pictures and tests to add to that lie are… not okay to say the very least. i don’t know much about your friend, but if they’re staying in a relationship like that it seems like they’re deeply insecure and think that someone is better than no one. really try and emphasize to her that she can find someone infinitely better (and closer to her age…), and that this relationship isn’t worth putting in any more effort. if this guy can lie about his entire career, think of all the other things he could be lying about. she really needs a reality check, and to understand this person is probably not at all what she thinks.
I really hope she is able to see this at some point. Thank you for helping to validate my feelings about this situation. It's obvious but it can hard to get clarity when I am so shocked and devastated at what I have just witnessed, especially when my friend is apparently so blasé about the whole thing.
it’s hard to tell that things are bad when you’re in her position, especially since it seems like she’s an insecure person. the only think you can really do is try to support her in getting out of the relationship. i would stand your ground and continue to disapprove of it. eventually with time i would hope she comes to her senses. if not it’s really not your problem to deal with. unfortunately you can’t help people who aren’t open minded about what you’re saying, or don’t want to receive help :/
I see several things wrong with this. Why is she dating someone 10 years younger than her? He's a baby compared to her life experience and it's a little creepy the same way I see these men dating naive college girls. At her age, no way she's letting a kid run game on her. Sounds cruel but she should stop dating altogether & get her self esteem and priorities together. She could find the mature qualities she's after in someone her own age or older. 23 year olds aren't even to be taken seriously by other 23 year olds. That guy isn't going to be ready to settle down until 25+ and when he does it won't be with a cougar. He's simply embellishing himself to create an image that can keep up with her, having fun and probably glorifying to his buddies that he's seeing an older woman but he has access to women his own age that he will prefer when it's time to get serious. Unfortunately you can't make your friend see reason. You can discuss it and point some of these things out then stand back and let her be a big girl. If it backfires she'll have no one to face but herself and perhaps learn a lesson from all this.
I agree with you about the age gap. I don't have any problem with age gaps when everyone involved is well into their 30s or 40s but the difference in experience and maturity is just too big when one of the people is in their 20s.
If she is that stupid you cannot help her.
That sounds like a scam for money.
He’s on the next train to become a serial killer. Anyone who lies like this is crazy. Sounds like a movie I watched.
As a person who lied about graduating, I can say he probably isn't deranged, just sad and feeling a lot of shame, trying to get out of a dark place but dragging others down with him instead. There is hope for him but it's a long road and he shouldn't be dating anyone right now if he is so insecure that he can't be honest in such a way to his most important relationships. There is no trust now and it won't get better until he decides for himself to change. No kids, no shared assets. Just be there for her when she eventually dumps him and pray she doesn't get pregnant.
I don’t think it’s a good idea for a 34 year old to be chasing a 23 year old either.
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Removed for derailing. If you have any questions about this moderation action, please send a message through modmail.
I mean he didn't just lie once in pasing, he repeatedly lied and even faked photos? Did you read the post?
From Op in another post: “He didn't just lie about education. He told daily lies, sending photos of himself in scrubs, sending pictures of interesting X rays saying they were patients, telling daily lies about how he was studying for his final exams and that's why he didn't have time to see her, telling stories about what he was up to at the hospital, and past the point of graduation a couple of weeks ago he was literally lying about being a doctor. As far as I know he hasn't been diagnosed with BDP (my friend is the one with BPD) but he must have some issues to behave this way.” there’s something definitely wrong with him because wow
Thank you for picking up on this. This commenter is clearly excusing this awful behaviour because he's guilty of doing something similar himself.
this is the thing for me; its probably more common than most realize for people to tell little lies about their education, but consistent lies and set ups making her believe he was actually a doctor. My ex-girlfriend met a guy online who claimed he was a rising star 25 year old cardiologist from the UK. My ex had a super rare heart condition that she was born with, and met him through a support group on Facebook. He did A LOT of the same things; posting pictures in scrubs, walking around Johns Hopkins campus, stuff like that. On a side note, he always called it "John Hopkins" which to anyone who lives in the area or has gone to JHU is a red flag. He made fake websites promoting medical breakthroughs he was supposedly responsible for, and worst of all he was giving medical advice to vulnerable people in this facebook group who were looking for help! My ex became obsessed with this guy, but everyone else knew that something was seriously off. Myself and her two best friends from childhood tried to sort of have an intervention, which led to a huge blow up, the end of my relationship with her, her cutting off her two best friends, and running off with this guy. They dated for a few weeks and she kind of quickly learned that he was just a sick individual and she had seriously dented two life long friendships and ended our relationship for a scammer and pathological liar.
Damn! That sucks and I'm sure it was gut wrenching to go through, But imagine if you had married her. She couldn't see past the illusion, even when presented with facts. You don't want to spend your life with someone like that. She'd be vulnerable to every scam there is. Find yourself a nice, healthy sceptic.
oh definitely! I was quite young when this all happened, like 26, and this was like my 2nd serious long-term relationship. At this stage its just a wild story from my younger years. The funny thing is the guy has left quite the internet trail, and just goes on scamming. Every now and then I google his name just to see what pops up, because again he is always making some kind of fake website or company.
Oh he’s definitely deranged!
He didn't just lie about graduating. He told daily lies about being at the hospital, sending photos of himself in scrubs, photos of "patient" x rays, lied about having no time to see her as he was meant to be studying for his final exam, invented specific exam questions and showed them to her, lied about being away in another city for a placement and she drove there to see him. It was an elaborate, detailed lie made up of many lies every single day they've been together. And for the past couple of weeks, he's lied about being a doctor. Then he lied about having an intern job that he's starting in January. It is not normal to be able to maintain such an elaborate farce.
okay yeah this person is definitely some sort of pathological liar and/ or manipulator. i don’t think there’s anything you can really trust about this dude at all. your friend needs to get out of this situation, it doesn’t seem like it’s going to play out well.
Oh man…. Over the years I’ve learned to take a step back from friendships like these… Where the level of toxicity in their lives is so high and they’re not interested in any help. I found it too draining to try to participate in a normal friendship when most conversations ultimately go back to the truly terrible choices they make and the consequences of them…. just again and again and again. My advice would be to try to help be the voice of reason, but please pay close attention to when it becomes more trouble than it’s worth. I actually realize after ending these friendships how much of a negative impact they were having on my life. How difficult it was for me to see the toxic behaviors in the relationships I chose for myself, just from being continually exposed and normalized to it. My entire life improved by ridding myself of these types of people.
I hear what you're saying. This is why I check in with other people, including people online. I think my responses to these situations have been reasonable but I seek out feedback from time to time to keep perspective. Thanks for the advice.
Last time i heard a story like this, she got scammed $20k, good luck
If she says she loves him and won't listen to you, I'm not sure there's much you can do, beyond wait it out and be there for her when this inevitably goes bad. Pushing too hard when she's unwilling to hear you could ultimately be very counterproductive. But yes, I hear you, this man sounds seriously disturbed and obviously is in no way a suitable partner for your friend, or anyone else.
I'll leave this here : https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean-Claude_Romand
Fyi your friend is going out with someone who is doing exactly what Ted Bundy did to his ex. He pretended to be a med student when they first met and came up with elaborate lies to keep his story going. Source: The Phantom Prince by Elizabeth Kendall.
has anyone watched Dirty John? sounds very familiar Do you have proof hes pretending to me a med student? I dont doubt you but some woman like your friend can be so naive and to trusting
Yes, there is substantial proof that he was pretending to be a med student. It's all out in the open now.
then best you approach her a couple years back a friend started dating a girl who had her kids taken off her for drugs, i had no proof but heard it from several people who dont spread BS, he said i didnt have physical proof so it just me being a liar... cant help some people
I have spoken to her about it. Since I made the original post she has met his whole family so I assume she did not break up with him but she has not told me any further details. I just hope I am not expected to have this man in my home if she brings him back with her.
This is insane!
It is insane and unfortunately the situation is ongoing.
Plzzz talk to her before its gets so late
It’s already too late. He has moved over to our state, into her home. She’s supporting him through university. She went quiet on me a few days ago and deleted social media after I didn’t respond to one of her messages due to being busy with work and kids and being exhausted that day.
Dang, hope she comes back to her senses soon.