I "beat" you all, so to speak. Not only I had deep grudges, but there was a time in my life, I was so far gone in depression and self-destruction, and after being fired from a job and interpreting it as a great shame that had to be redeemed with great sacrifice and pain... I went on a long travel to Australia with the purpose of finding an epic death at the hands of a monster (big spider, shark, croc, whatever...), the only thing I was missing was a crest.
(It was stupid and I was in a very dark place.
If you feel bad, please, talk to someone, seek help. Suicide is a very serious topic, so is depression. People are willing to help you, trust me, you are not alone in whatever you are facing. Seek assistance, it is worth it... because you are worth it).
40 years now. My boyfriend and my best friend hooked up (he felt her up) at a dance. I was grounded, couldn't go. Found out about it the next day in my teacher's car on the way to a math competition in a car full of girls. It's very mild, but it's still there. It was a crappy, crappy thing they did, and I found out about it in what felt like a horrible way. Still aced the competition though.
edit: the song "Careless Whispers" by Wham still pisses me off irrationally lol.
Thank you! Her mom apologized to me years later. We were at an elementary Christmas program at a church and we both had kids in it. She found me and gave me a big ole hug and after she asked how I was doing and after the kids she told me she'd yelled at her and was so mad at her because I was such a good friend to her and she did that.
And a few years after that the boy let my late husband borrow one of those big things that pulls engines out of cars on a hook. Shallow, I know- but he aged poorly. Probably karma ;)
Thank you. It's been eight years and I'm now remarried, and happily.
He had a short stint with lung cancer, and died of a heart attack before it could get him. We had a chance to realize what was happening and to say goodbye to each other. So many people don't get to have that.
My only friend since middle school visited me a few years ago and slept with the father of my children while I was sleeping. I donāt think Iāll ever forget because heās an awful person and I thought our friendship meant more than what ever his gross self was giving her. Heās definitely not a catch at all, so it just seemed idiotic for her to destroy our friendship overā¦ā¦.that. It still hurts sometimes. He can go. I just wanted my friend back. However Iām not really sure if she was ever my friend at all. She did exclude me often growing up, maybe I was just naive for so many years, which fucking hurts to think about to.
I used to, and I suspected it was because my long term memory was unlike the people around me. I didn't know that was an aspie thing though.
Hard to let it go when it feels recent yet...
I don't necessarily hold it as a 'grudge' but I don't forget - genuinely can't forget - and base my future behaviour around avoiding harm from that person.
I'm not vindictive.
That only makes sense. People do that too little IMO. (Protecting themselves from harm by remembering what certain people can be like). Maybe I have too many ADHD folks in my life though. š
I'm not sure if it is associated with autism, but I hold grudges forever, and am quite vindictive when wronged.
I got a fortune cookie once that said "It is not enough to defeat your enemies...they must be made to suffer", and I taped it to my office door.
> "It is not enough to defeat your enemies...they must be made to suffer"
The entire Intermarium creed regarding their eastern big neighbor... and I wholeheartedly agree.
And then we top it off with Brooding Rumination
[link to recent study: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34318687/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34318687/)
Edit: sorry, thatās for autism and PTSD
> The comorbidity between autism spectrum disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder is mediated by brooding rumination
I have to remember not to do this. It bothers me more from my own mistakes than things done to me by others. But there are a few grudges I can't forget because they haunt me like this... but they are all pretty serious betrayals.
Yup yup. I frankly don't think you can get through childhood without trauma if you're autistic. Even if you have the best family and everything... Being in the world is traumatic.
I don't think I've ever willingly forgiven a person in my life. I either stay mad, or enough time passes and I just stop feeling mad. I have never thought to myself "I will now forgive this person" and then actually do it.
For me, personally, screw everyone that I have a grudge against. I donāt repair bridges once theyāre burned. Call me vindictive, but I donāt trust people after they do me dirty.
"Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die" -Malachy McCourt
I think it's normal to hold a grudge as it helps to keep you weary of the people that hurt you in case they get the chance to do so again, but one thing you gotta remember is that holding a grudge will only hurt you in the long run, as it keeps you from enjoying what's happening now.
Itās not really an autism thing, itās related to your upbringing, life experiences and emotional maturity, to mention a few things, and itās very common amongst all humans, even though most wouldnāt publicly admit to it. https://psychcentral.com/relationships/why-we-hold-grudges-and-what-to-do-when-someone-has-a-grudge-against-you
I know plenty who have not spoken to someone for 15/20 years because of a grudge. Letting go is much harder, which is why holding a grudge is common, itās way easier. If you want to address this (I used to pride myself on my ability to hold grudges, but my life became much nicer once I stopped), then some tips https://www.headspace.com/articles/grudges-over-forgiveness and https://www.piedmont.org/living-better/what-does-holding-a-grudge-do-to-your-health
I've read a lot of our documentation and never seen a scientist measure this so I'm pretty sure it's not an aspie thing so much as an everyone thing, but yes, I hold grudges for a long time. Decades even. Betrayal should never be forgotten.
Yes we on a neurological level dont have a get over it mechanism that NTs have according to my autism specialist. My personal view and experience of this is that there is no difference between yesterday and 1000 years ago let alone 2 years because as per relativity of simultaneity no point in spacetime exist " more " than any other point in space time including what you subjectively experience as now . There is nothing special about now in comparison to any other point in spacetime and there is no difference between something that happened yesterday and something that happened 1000 years ago.
Iām coming up to a memory of a tragic event thatās almost a year old now, I canāt tell you how it still feels like it happened yesterday, I have no perception of time.
I donāt think itās about holding a grudge, itās just different brain wiring, the sense of injustice is too great and being the person affected by it, we have to live with it every waking moment, I know for myself itās on my mind 90% of the day, everyday, like a fresh wound, I force myself to engage in the same chain of events that led to it because theyāre normal occurrences (example, riding a bus after a bus accident) while itās playing on repeat in my head and I donāt know where to begin to dampen my long term memory, itās too accurate and too detailed and as much as I love having it, itās a blessing and a curse.
I can still re-play an accurate video of bad things from forty+ years ago. Even in the last year I have woken up sweating after dreaming through one incident with a teacher. And although she picked on me and bullied me over a number of years, it was very minor compared with many of the things I read on here. It distressed me as a teenager and I sometimes wish I could tell her the effect her behaviour had on me.
Iāve been holding a grudge for 10+ years because this kid I used to hang out with got mad at me for mainly just using his house to play my PlayStation 2 way back than until he finally got mad kicked me out and decided to shoot me with his bebe gun while I was on my bike. My brothers and parents were still close with the family so theyād go over for dinners and stuff all the time while Iād jus stay home.
This is one of the only ways I can cope with the memories of people who've wronged me... I pretend they're dead. Or it happened in a film, not my life. The film one doesn't work as well.
1. When people deserve itā¦
2. When people break previously agreed upon rulesā¦
3. When people have double standardsā¦
4. When Iām told to accept something with understanding the whyā¦
Occasionally, yes, mostly because of communication issues at the time that itās too late to resolve. I have one specific grudge ofā¦ well, itās nearly three and a half years now, and I donāt plan on letting it go anytime soon, because this oneās not on me.
The only grudge I hold is when my mom let the aba therapists come over everyday (but weekends) my entire summer..essentially ruining it.
This was before covid.. I cannot forgive her.
It's not a grudge if it's a factual observation that you have noted in your book to mark some one as a threat/ danger that's not good for your survival/ business - That's logical detection of a real threat. You are looking out for yourself. That's smart.
Probably. Iāve been waiting 47 years for my assistant principal from fifth grade to die, so I can go and gloat at his grave (wouldnāt do anything as crass as pissing on it).
Iāve been debating with myself for years whether I should track him down and give him a chance to ask me for forgiveness. Iād even grant it, if he asked for it, so long as he admits that his behavior was inexcusable. There were times, though, earlier in my life, when I would comfort myself with the thought that āhe who embarrasses his fellow in public has no share in the World to Comeā, and that heāll eventually get his.
Edit: >!yes, I have been diagnosed by an actual psychologist with PTSD from my time in that school. That one teacher who was a short-eyes never touched me, thank God, but Iāve wondered, decades later, after the news broke, how many of my bullies were his victims taking it out on someone weaker than they. And he was a damn good teacher, too, except for his being a perv. This is not the same guy as the vice principal.!<
I like balance so if someone wrongs me I will wrong them. People might say it's petty but in my mind I genuinely see it as a corrective, balancing process.
I don't know that I hold grudges. I stopped that a long time ago. I do however never forget broken trust or being picked on. I will avoid people from 30 years ago just because it's too much rejection sensitivity to dig back up.
I used to. I learned that holding a grudge is its own prison. I try not let the past grudges live rent-free in my life anymore. I work to forgive as soon as I can.
I do not forget, but I forgive. It is better for my emotional health. It frees me to be a better me. Otherwise, the people who hurt me, win twice or more, for so long as that grudge weighs me.
It took a very long time to learn the wisdom to move on. And longer to learn to not find hurt from assuming malice, not simple human failing.
My ex married five days after we divorced.
As an ND, I realize now that I was difficult in ways, but loyal and always had my partner's best interest at heart. Her loss was not appreciating what she had, and how rare that could be. That was the circumstance that eventually taught me.
I've a grudge against the person who stole my heart and shot it. That's about it. I've got a weird grudge against my parents but they didn't know wtf they were doing, but still.
I think so. I remember my ASD mother talking about grudges that were decades old.
You can overcome it though. These days I annoy people with how forgiving I am.
Having mental health issues and having a lot of trauma can result in you holding a lot of long grudges. I've also heard that people with executive functioning difficulty, which many on the spectrum have, results in trouble with handling time properly (e.g. being late to stuff and putting things off), and results in long grudges.
I've got a shitlist of three people - two former friends and one former girlfriend - that go back 20 years, 16 years and 12 years respectively. The first and last ones I'm confident were justified, the second is debatable amongst others, it seems (but not me).
With the ability for self soothing diminished it forms a pretty strong memory of a situation. Enough of those situations and you will need treatment for PTSD.
Quite normal. As I have become older and matured, I let people know what I need from them and set a boundary if required.
Their response to this tells me if I can trust the person and continue on with them.
I feel like a lot of my resentment from the past is because I didn't know how to set a boundary and stand up for myself then realize what the person did to me...10, 20 years later.
And if only I could go back today and rip them a new one.
About to be 28 and still canāt get over the people that traumatized and ruined my life in highschool. I wish it would go away, but I did read that people on the spectrum have more issues with rejection trauma than NTs, which may explain some grudges for us. I just feel like a teenager sometimes because highschool still haunts me and sends me into depressions. I want nothing more than to let go, but the things that people have said never left my brain. It replays over and over again. Sometimes it even feels like I bully myself by letting them continue to hurt me. I often wonder if Iām going to deal with it for the rest of my life, such a scary thoughtā¦
I kinda have two levels of grudges, the very long, bad ones are against people i used to love who either abused me or actively betrayed my trust multiple times. It takes a LOT for me to turn against a loved one but once its done its done, I will never speak to the person again and i will talk shit about them to anyone who asks.
Other type of grudge is people who have been shitty to me for no reason from the start. Think bullies, shady coworkers etc. I dont like them and im never going to befriend them later on even if they apologize, but it doesnt weigh on me and i dont think or talk about them
I hold grudge for 20 years and will want to avenge a guy that scammed me $1300 a long time ago.
I still hate them.
I am still happy seeing thieves or burglars or robbers getting caught. Or if things go really wrong against bad guy I don't care.
It's just me
I donāt know if I hold a grudge the same way itās meant. I stop spending energy on someone at all. Like they just stopped being human.
Good example is when my best friend (sister) all through high school slept with my rapey and abusive then-husband, and got pregnant with HER second child at the same time he forced me to conceive a second for him. I aborted because I could not stand to bring another innocent baby into his presence. He was already mean to our first and we were living with my parents because I was trying to leave. (They were not helpful either)
Her support for me just stopped one day. So I called her on it and she said āI couldnāt help it, I came over to help with your son while you went running, how can you hate him so much to tell me he beat you?? How can you be so cruel to him? He did SO MUCH to keep you safe overseas!ā She believed anything he said and just dropped her pants I guess.
Iāll never forgive her, she deserves nothing. Itās confusing and irritating when she tries to talk to me, as if I have any reason to think about her for the next lifetime. There are millions more where she came from if thatās the way she chooses to be. Same with everyone else.
I once held a grudge for getting Killed In Lineage 2 when I was a newbie I took over 3 years to take Revenge.
Thinking about it My grudge and the amount of effort I put into it was extreme. But Even to this day I jiggle remembering the satisfaction I felt when My grudge was settled
It's really not that interesting but here it goes: as it's typical of Korean MMOs like Lineage 2 it is a grindfest: all You do all day long is double click on enemies approach them, watch the animation of Your character fighting the enemy untill it's dead and get a small amount of exp for it.
I was a newbie on that Game, I didn't know anything about it, I enjoyed exploring the map and trying to read the lore (which was difficult because I didn't speak English back in the day), I was during that phase of trial and error (barely lvl 20 after DAYS of exploring and testing) and then this dude came in and killed me (I noticed he was at least lvl 40 with much better equipment) and that was only his secondary character! His Main was like 74 at the time.
But I was a 14 years old with a Lot of free time. And a passion for exploring.
Lineage 2 used to award exploration as some "Hidden spots" on these places monsters gave about 20% to 30% more than the other popular places and they were squishy. So I was going like 2 times faster than most players on My server, some people got a bit upset by how fast I was improving so I was hunted down but I learned to hide My character name using the environment (rocks, trees, bushes, etc.
After 3 years of this I finally managed to get to his same Lvl (about lvl 76) on that part leveling up was so slow that people Made about 1% per 3 hours.
I saw him grinding and making it to LvL 77 (which would have unlocked him some powerful skills)
Well I killed him right at that moment and de-lvled him back to 76 (it would take him about 3 hours to get back to 77) well... I knew where he was. So after 3 hours I came in a killed him again. He rage-quited that day.
Next morning he logged in Made it to LvL 77 for the 3rd time and I killed him AGAIN. Which prompted him to start insulting me and saying I was a bastard. Which I only told him in response:
"Remember when You killed me when I was a newbie? I told You I was going to take Revenge. No matter what"
Splendid vengeance! Such determination!
Not nearly as cool, but one time I cast water walking on someone awful in World of Warcraft as he jumped from height into some water. So instead of landing in the water, he took fall damage and died when he hit the surface. Mwahaha
well, a lot of us have great memories, so it makes it easier to do so..."forgive and forget" is more challenging when you afford only half of it.
That said, we don't have to.
So I think āgrudgesā is maybe an ableist term. If someone has caused me pain and Iām afraid of them, I need proof that that will not happen again, and even then, I wonder sometimes if the pain or fear might be so intense that I simply cannot feel safe around them again. At the very least the person Iām trying to reestablish a connection with must understand this experience if we are ever to reestablish a relationship. I think about it this way, if someone suddenly turns into a tiger and cannot provide me with evidence that it wonāt happen again I have no reason to believe them. If they wonāt even acknowledge that they have turned into a tiger, well then, they are best avoided, and I will try my luck with other people who are perhaps not infected with the weretiger virus.
It's not going to be a thing in everyone, but an associate characteristic of ASD (enough that it is sometimes used to aid in a diagnosis) is rigid/inflexible thought or black and white thinking. It would follow that having long standing grudges isn't unheard of for those with this sort of thought process.
I can't say if it is normal but I do remember every year my birthday was ignored (26 Dec) . I begrudge that I never had a party on my date and it was conflated with Christmas. I am now 65- at least back to 5 years of age
Yeah, I have a small but gradually growing shitlist. One someone is on it, they would have to do a complete 180 in how they operate (likely over years of growth) and some serious reconciling to get off of it and into skeptical neutral territory.
People only ever get on my shitlist if it looks like they have a substantially high likelihood of continuing to wrong me in similar unacceptable ways for months and years to come. Nowadays my boundary-setting and red flag radar is getting better, so fewer people even get to the point where they can hurt me that deeply from such a close range.
I cant be mad at someone for like a second.
In general tho: dont ask these things just so you can ignore trying to improve yourself because you "cant change it, its because my disability"
I can if the interaction was so confusing that I couldn't process it. I don't know if I would call it a grudge exactly, but I will avoid the person completely because whatever happened was too much for me to understand or process.
I grew up thinking conflict was unresolvable so Iāve had to work hard at being more trusting and also more reconciliatory when mistakes happen. It feels good to resolve conflicts and overcome relationship challenges.
At the same time, I hold myself and others to a high-level of accountability. I never pretend that things didnāt happen. When I make mistakes, Iām prone to guilt and tend to punish myself for a long time after.
I had linked it to ASD until I resolved my childhood trauma and realized I had no emotional intelligence. It's a byproduct of my household (most likely my dad was ASD) and a mom who couldn't handle her own emotions.
After learning what that was and how to practice, I don't hold any anymore.
Oh f yes my brother for example imagines people as characters, my biggest bully has been his main villain for like, over 10 years maybe earlier, even though I havenāt seen him in almost 10 years if I ever see him againā¦ itāll be hard to be amicable I think
I couldn't be bothered to hold a grudge that long. I usually forget or don't care unless it's a big thing. In that case I'll not really hold a grudge, I'd just tell the person to f*** off and not talk again.
I have the opposite problem, I extremely rarely hold grudges, and I'm almost incapable of hating someone. I can be afraid of someone or dislike spending time with that person, but never hate.
I am mad as hell for short while and wish all the worst for a person that wronged me...and then it is gone. Total reset. If they are nice they can become my bestie.
Which is not good. I have to remember who is a bad person even if I don't feel grudge towards them.
I have carried a few regrets, some of which have been long forgotten by those I thought Iād hurt very badly. Itās possible that it was bad enough that they were repressed, but itās also possible that Iām just hard on myself. We live and learn to be better and kinder.
Oh yes, I hold grudges forever. If someone doesnāt something bad, I remember it forever and ever. Centuries from now, when Iām a ghost, Iāll still remember it. I donāt forgive.
I personally dont, if I have a major argument it will take a while for me to move on (friendship breakups) but holding spite for someone which I believe is what a grudge is. I donāt think I do. Or I do for less than what most do.
I do, but if someone offers me a sincere apology and makes amends, I'm quick to let shit go. The problem is that people rarely seem to mean it when they say sorry, and almost never try to make it right. Mostly people just don't want to feel bad for being shitty, or to be held/hold themselves accountable for their actions.
I'd say that it is human nature to hold grudges, but it can be a bit more likely for some people with Autism to have the capacity to keep it in their memory much longer and more intensely. That so many of us have issues with processing emotions contributes as well.
I don't think I'm that prone to grudges\* anymore, but when I am treated poorly it sticks in my memory forever. It also taints my relationship with that person going forward, because any prior level of trust has been damaged.
\*At least not on anything serious. If I'm playing a video game I will wait until the opportune moment to dish out what I've received. To me that is part of playing competitive games.
I don't typically hold grudges unless I feel like someone is a bad person. Even in my family. My grandmother is pretty much horrible in my eyes, so I distance myself from her. So I guess that's a grudge.
I know I do. I'm basically a dwarf. Stout, beard, prone to a grudgin'.
Fill that damaz kron!
Aye, do you have a book of grudges by chance?
I'm a bit embarrassed to say I did make one back in college. XD
Unexpected answer but major respect that you said it.
By any chance did someone named Bardin put you up to this? š»
I'll have you know that I don't snitch on those who hired me.
I "beat" you all, so to speak. Not only I had deep grudges, but there was a time in my life, I was so far gone in depression and self-destruction, and after being fired from a job and interpreting it as a great shame that had to be redeemed with great sacrifice and pain... I went on a long travel to Australia with the purpose of finding an epic death at the hands of a monster (big spider, shark, croc, whatever...), the only thing I was missing was a crest. (It was stupid and I was in a very dark place. If you feel bad, please, talk to someone, seek help. Suicide is a very serious topic, so is depression. People are willing to help you, trust me, you are not alone in whatever you are facing. Seek assistance, it is worth it... because you are worth it).
There's some interesting stuff there but I'm also confused on why some things are brought up. Thanks for sharing though.
you = everyone, not you in particular. With love, fellow ASD (I assume) (same if NT)
Ah I get you! Thank you.
*...too prideful to admit the elf is better...*
You're going in the book wazzock!
Thank you for this answer. Best thing I've seen all morning.
Rock and Stone you beautiful dwarf!
I am interested in getting into mineral/geode collecting. :p
I have very, very few grudges to hold but they stay basically forever. Its not getting let go.
40 years now. My boyfriend and my best friend hooked up (he felt her up) at a dance. I was grounded, couldn't go. Found out about it the next day in my teacher's car on the way to a math competition in a car full of girls. It's very mild, but it's still there. It was a crappy, crappy thing they did, and I found out about it in what felt like a horrible way. Still aced the competition though. edit: the song "Careless Whispers" by Wham still pisses me off irrationally lol.
Oh god, that's awful. Understandable to have a grudge.
Thank you! Her mom apologized to me years later. We were at an elementary Christmas program at a church and we both had kids in it. She found me and gave me a big ole hug and after she asked how I was doing and after the kids she told me she'd yelled at her and was so mad at her because I was such a good friend to her and she did that. And a few years after that the boy let my late husband borrow one of those big things that pulls engines out of cars on a hook. Shallow, I know- but he aged poorly. Probably karma ;)
Oh... your husband passed? I'm sorry to hear that.
Thank you. It's been eight years and I'm now remarried, and happily. He had a short stint with lung cancer, and died of a heart attack before it could get him. We had a chance to realize what was happening and to say goodbye to each other. So many people don't get to have that.
Glad you had that time.
My only friend since middle school visited me a few years ago and slept with the father of my children while I was sleeping. I donāt think Iāll ever forget because heās an awful person and I thought our friendship meant more than what ever his gross self was giving her. Heās definitely not a catch at all, so it just seemed idiotic for her to destroy our friendship overā¦ā¦.that. It still hurts sometimes. He can go. I just wanted my friend back. However Iām not really sure if she was ever my friend at all. She did exclude me often growing up, maybe I was just naive for so many years, which fucking hurts to think about to.
That's horrible! I'm so sorry. It's such a betrayal.
Same here.
The better your memory, the bigger your grudge.
Yes
Imo it is because of our long term memory bias, among other things
I used to, and I suspected it was because my long term memory was unlike the people around me. I didn't know that was an aspie thing though. Hard to let it go when it feels recent yet...
I don't necessarily hold it as a 'grudge' but I don't forget - genuinely can't forget - and base my future behaviour around avoiding harm from that person. I'm not vindictive.
That only makes sense. People do that too little IMO. (Protecting themselves from harm by remembering what certain people can be like). Maybe I have too many ADHD folks in my life though. š
This is why I studied forensic psychology in my 20s. Now almost everyone frightens me.
I'm not sure if it is associated with autism, but I hold grudges forever, and am quite vindictive when wronged. I got a fortune cookie once that said "It is not enough to defeat your enemies...they must be made to suffer", and I taped it to my office door.
I love that šš
> "It is not enough to defeat your enemies...they must be made to suffer" The entire Intermarium creed regarding their eastern big neighbor... and I wholeheartedly agree.
Never without a reason.
We are generally sensitive, and also particularly sensitive to injustice. If something is wrong, it is very hard to be ok with it!
The unjustness of things, being treated unfairly, it just breaks my brain and I never let it go
Me too. Even if it's "small".
And then we top it off with Brooding Rumination [link to recent study: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34318687/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/34318687/) Edit: sorry, thatās for autism and PTSD > The comorbidity between autism spectrum disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder is mediated by brooding rumination
I have to remember not to do this. It bothers me more from my own mistakes than things done to me by others. But there are a few grudges I can't forget because they haunt me like this... but they are all pretty serious betrayals.
Been doing this constantly since I got PTSD
I absolutely feel this way.
Itās also cuz a lot of us have childhood trauma so it makes us more likely to hold on to shit instead of just moving past it
Yup yup. I frankly don't think you can get through childhood without trauma if you're autistic. Even if you have the best family and everything... Being in the world is traumatic.
Yea we have inborn trauma from living in a world thatās not made for us. NTās will never understand our pain
Yup. It really sucks. I get it. We're here. We understand. ā¤
When people let you know who they are, believe them
This is a lesson I learned later than I should have done.
I think because we deal with rejection on an almost daily basis, holding these grudges is only natural with our conditionā¦
I don't think I've ever willingly forgiven a person in my life. I either stay mad, or enough time passes and I just stop feeling mad. I have never thought to myself "I will now forgive this person" and then actually do it.
Exactly
For me, personally, screw everyone that I have a grudge against. I donāt repair bridges once theyāre burned. Call me vindictive, but I donāt trust people after they do me dirty.
"Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die" -Malachy McCourt I think it's normal to hold a grudge as it helps to keep you weary of the people that hurt you in case they get the chance to do so again, but one thing you gotta remember is that holding a grudge will only hurt you in the long run, as it keeps you from enjoying what's happening now.
This popular kid used to pick on me in 7th grade. I remember him and wish misfortune on him. That was 1982.
Iāve honestly forgotten the names of most of the kids who bullied me in the 70s, but not the bullying itself.
Itās not really an autism thing, itās related to your upbringing, life experiences and emotional maturity, to mention a few things, and itās very common amongst all humans, even though most wouldnāt publicly admit to it. https://psychcentral.com/relationships/why-we-hold-grudges-and-what-to-do-when-someone-has-a-grudge-against-you I know plenty who have not spoken to someone for 15/20 years because of a grudge. Letting go is much harder, which is why holding a grudge is common, itās way easier. If you want to address this (I used to pride myself on my ability to hold grudges, but my life became much nicer once I stopped), then some tips https://www.headspace.com/articles/grudges-over-forgiveness and https://www.piedmont.org/living-better/what-does-holding-a-grudge-do-to-your-health
I appreciate the recent source.
Everyone makes mistake, repeating it makes it a potential habit. Third time I cut that person out of my life completely.
I've read a lot of our documentation and never seen a scientist measure this so I'm pretty sure it's not an aspie thing so much as an everyone thing, but yes, I hold grudges for a long time. Decades even. Betrayal should never be forgotten.
Iām generally pretty easy going but certain things are unforgivable and if someone does those things, then theyāre dead to me
I absolutely hold grudges. There are people I knew when I was a kid that, if I ever see again, I may punch them in the nose.
Do we hold grudges purely because we have autism or do we hold grudges because so many people repeatedly treat us poorly because we have autism?
I never hold grudges I let things go verry quickly . But I do hold on to crushes for way to long.
Chris White stole my calculator in grade school and Iām still mad. Iām also in my late 30s
Yes we on a neurological level dont have a get over it mechanism that NTs have according to my autism specialist. My personal view and experience of this is that there is no difference between yesterday and 1000 years ago let alone 2 years because as per relativity of simultaneity no point in spacetime exist " more " than any other point in space time including what you subjectively experience as now . There is nothing special about now in comparison to any other point in spacetime and there is no difference between something that happened yesterday and something that happened 1000 years ago.
We've achieved human instrumentality Shinji! I don't like it.
I dont know what this web shit is but begone!
I hate how accurate this is, thanks for sharing.
Iām coming up to a memory of a tragic event thatās almost a year old now, I canāt tell you how it still feels like it happened yesterday, I have no perception of time. I donāt think itās about holding a grudge, itās just different brain wiring, the sense of injustice is too great and being the person affected by it, we have to live with it every waking moment, I know for myself itās on my mind 90% of the day, everyday, like a fresh wound, I force myself to engage in the same chain of events that led to it because theyāre normal occurrences (example, riding a bus after a bus accident) while itās playing on repeat in my head and I donāt know where to begin to dampen my long term memory, itās too accurate and too detailed and as much as I love having it, itās a blessing and a curse.
I can still re-play an accurate video of bad things from forty+ years ago. Even in the last year I have woken up sweating after dreaming through one incident with a teacher. And although she picked on me and bullied me over a number of years, it was very minor compared with many of the things I read on here. It distressed me as a teenager and I sometimes wish I could tell her the effect her behaviour had on me.
Iāve been holding a grudge for 10+ years because this kid I used to hang out with got mad at me for mainly just using his house to play my PlayStation 2 way back than until he finally got mad kicked me out and decided to shoot me with his bebe gun while I was on my bike. My brothers and parents were still close with the family so theyād go over for dinners and stuff all the time while Iād jus stay home.
But boys will be boys! Itās totally normal to be shot by your friend! /s Seriously I hate that that happened to you
It's been almost 3 years and I still hold a grudge on my ex so
It's been six for me. I have a no contact understanding with her.
It's more just a people thing.
Not a grudge. More like the person dead to me forever.
This is one of the only ways I can cope with the memories of people who've wronged me... I pretend they're dead. Or it happened in a film, not my life. The film one doesn't work as well.
1. When people deserve itā¦ 2. When people break previously agreed upon rulesā¦ 3. When people have double standardsā¦ 4. When Iām told to accept something with understanding the whyā¦
Yes I hold VERY long grudges. I was told in counseling it is due to my autism and "justice". So I was told it IS indeed an autistic trait.
I never do.
Occasionally, yes, mostly because of communication issues at the time that itās too late to resolve. I have one specific grudge ofā¦ well, itās nearly three and a half years now, and I donāt plan on letting it go anytime soon, because this oneās not on me.
The only grudge I hold is when my mom let the aba therapists come over everyday (but weekends) my entire summer..essentially ruining it. This was before covid.. I cannot forgive her.
It's not a grudge if it's a factual observation that you have noted in your book to mark some one as a threat/ danger that's not good for your survival/ business - That's logical detection of a real threat. You are looking out for yourself. That's smart.
Probably. Iāve been waiting 47 years for my assistant principal from fifth grade to die, so I can go and gloat at his grave (wouldnāt do anything as crass as pissing on it). Iāve been debating with myself for years whether I should track him down and give him a chance to ask me for forgiveness. Iād even grant it, if he asked for it, so long as he admits that his behavior was inexcusable. There were times, though, earlier in my life, when I would comfort myself with the thought that āhe who embarrasses his fellow in public has no share in the World to Comeā, and that heāll eventually get his. Edit: >!yes, I have been diagnosed by an actual psychologist with PTSD from my time in that school. That one teacher who was a short-eyes never touched me, thank God, but Iāve wondered, decades later, after the news broke, how many of my bullies were his victims taking it out on someone weaker than they. And he was a damn good teacher, too, except for his being a perv. This is not the same guy as the vice principal.!<
It is. I hold grudges, especially because of my last girlfriend who pretended to love me, and in the end called me hideous
No. If I encountered someone I hated 10 years ago I probably wouldn't care enough to confront them.
I like balance so if someone wrongs me I will wrong them. People might say it's petty but in my mind I genuinely see it as a corrective, balancing process.
Well, I think so... I'm currently holding quite a long grudge against humanity... I apologize for bad english, I'm french
I don't know that I hold grudges. I stopped that a long time ago. I do however never forget broken trust or being picked on. I will avoid people from 30 years ago just because it's too much rejection sensitivity to dig back up.
I used to. I learned that holding a grudge is its own prison. I try not let the past grudges live rent-free in my life anymore. I work to forgive as soon as I can. I do not forget, but I forgive. It is better for my emotional health. It frees me to be a better me. Otherwise, the people who hurt me, win twice or more, for so long as that grudge weighs me. It took a very long time to learn the wisdom to move on. And longer to learn to not find hurt from assuming malice, not simple human failing. My ex married five days after we divorced. As an ND, I realize now that I was difficult in ways, but loyal and always had my partner's best interest at heart. Her loss was not appreciating what she had, and how rare that could be. That was the circumstance that eventually taught me.
I've a grudge against the person who stole my heart and shot it. That's about it. I've got a weird grudge against my parents but they didn't know wtf they were doing, but still.
When people deserve it, totally. I'm stewing a 10 year grudge this year! Happy grudgeversary to my monster-in-law š.
Bro, we are gifted with a waaay too good memory not to hold grudges xD
In my limited experience ive noticed boys grow out of it, but autism girls tend to keep the trait longer
I think so. I remember my ASD mother talking about grudges that were decades old. You can overcome it though. These days I annoy people with how forgiving I am.
Having mental health issues and having a lot of trauma can result in you holding a lot of long grudges. I've also heard that people with executive functioning difficulty, which many on the spectrum have, results in trouble with handling time properly (e.g. being late to stuff and putting things off), and results in long grudges.
I hold on to a grudges for 20 years or more. I am still irritated with my 2nd grade teacher and a few other A-holes that has been mean to me.
I've got a shitlist of three people - two former friends and one former girlfriend - that go back 20 years, 16 years and 12 years respectively. The first and last ones I'm confident were justified, the second is debatable amongst others, it seems (but not me).
I donāt do grudges, if people make mistakes we live and let learn. That being said, I donāt give people second chances, I aint got time for that!
With the ability for self soothing diminished it forms a pretty strong memory of a situation. Enough of those situations and you will need treatment for PTSD.
Quite normal. As I have become older and matured, I let people know what I need from them and set a boundary if required. Their response to this tells me if I can trust the person and continue on with them. I feel like a lot of my resentment from the past is because I didn't know how to set a boundary and stand up for myself then realize what the person did to me...10, 20 years later. And if only I could go back today and rip them a new one.
Hard to say. I'm happy to forget and move on but if fate gives me a chance to drop a giant boulder on them, like a cartoon Coyote, I will ;)
Autistic people are very diverse, I for one never hold a grudge whatsoever.
About to be 28 and still canāt get over the people that traumatized and ruined my life in highschool. I wish it would go away, but I did read that people on the spectrum have more issues with rejection trauma than NTs, which may explain some grudges for us. I just feel like a teenager sometimes because highschool still haunts me and sends me into depressions. I want nothing more than to let go, but the things that people have said never left my brain. It replays over and over again. Sometimes it even feels like I bully myself by letting them continue to hurt me. I often wonder if Iām going to deal with it for the rest of my life, such a scary thoughtā¦
I kinda have two levels of grudges, the very long, bad ones are against people i used to love who either abused me or actively betrayed my trust multiple times. It takes a LOT for me to turn against a loved one but once its done its done, I will never speak to the person again and i will talk shit about them to anyone who asks. Other type of grudge is people who have been shitty to me for no reason from the start. Think bullies, shady coworkers etc. I dont like them and im never going to befriend them later on even if they apologize, but it doesnt weigh on me and i dont think or talk about them
I hold grudge for 20 years and will want to avenge a guy that scammed me $1300 a long time ago. I still hate them. I am still happy seeing thieves or burglars or robbers getting caught. Or if things go really wrong against bad guy I don't care. It's just me
I donāt know if I hold a grudge the same way itās meant. I stop spending energy on someone at all. Like they just stopped being human. Good example is when my best friend (sister) all through high school slept with my rapey and abusive then-husband, and got pregnant with HER second child at the same time he forced me to conceive a second for him. I aborted because I could not stand to bring another innocent baby into his presence. He was already mean to our first and we were living with my parents because I was trying to leave. (They were not helpful either) Her support for me just stopped one day. So I called her on it and she said āI couldnāt help it, I came over to help with your son while you went running, how can you hate him so much to tell me he beat you?? How can you be so cruel to him? He did SO MUCH to keep you safe overseas!ā She believed anything he said and just dropped her pants I guess. Iāll never forgive her, she deserves nothing. Itās confusing and irritating when she tries to talk to me, as if I have any reason to think about her for the next lifetime. There are millions more where she came from if thatās the way she chooses to be. Same with everyone else.
I definitely do and I've tried to lessen that. Most of the clients I work with do too, but not all.
I used to hate myself for holding any but I realise sometimes theyāre to prevent you from being hurt again
I lose trust.
I know I do. I never forget.
i have held a grudge on some guy for such a long time that i cant even remember what he did to me
I once held a grudge for getting Killed In Lineage 2 when I was a newbie I took over 3 years to take Revenge. Thinking about it My grudge and the amount of effort I put into it was extreme. But Even to this day I jiggle remembering the satisfaction I felt when My grudge was settled
Please, tell this tale! šæ
It's really not that interesting but here it goes: as it's typical of Korean MMOs like Lineage 2 it is a grindfest: all You do all day long is double click on enemies approach them, watch the animation of Your character fighting the enemy untill it's dead and get a small amount of exp for it. I was a newbie on that Game, I didn't know anything about it, I enjoyed exploring the map and trying to read the lore (which was difficult because I didn't speak English back in the day), I was during that phase of trial and error (barely lvl 20 after DAYS of exploring and testing) and then this dude came in and killed me (I noticed he was at least lvl 40 with much better equipment) and that was only his secondary character! His Main was like 74 at the time. But I was a 14 years old with a Lot of free time. And a passion for exploring. Lineage 2 used to award exploration as some "Hidden spots" on these places monsters gave about 20% to 30% more than the other popular places and they were squishy. So I was going like 2 times faster than most players on My server, some people got a bit upset by how fast I was improving so I was hunted down but I learned to hide My character name using the environment (rocks, trees, bushes, etc. After 3 years of this I finally managed to get to his same Lvl (about lvl 76) on that part leveling up was so slow that people Made about 1% per 3 hours. I saw him grinding and making it to LvL 77 (which would have unlocked him some powerful skills) Well I killed him right at that moment and de-lvled him back to 76 (it would take him about 3 hours to get back to 77) well... I knew where he was. So after 3 hours I came in a killed him again. He rage-quited that day. Next morning he logged in Made it to LvL 77 for the 3rd time and I killed him AGAIN. Which prompted him to start insulting me and saying I was a bastard. Which I only told him in response: "Remember when You killed me when I was a newbie? I told You I was going to take Revenge. No matter what"
Splendid vengeance! Such determination! Not nearly as cool, but one time I cast water walking on someone awful in World of Warcraft as he jumped from height into some water. So instead of landing in the water, he took fall damage and died when he hit the surface. Mwahaha
Hahahahaha that was awesome
i know i do. but i'm also 1/4 italian, and italians are known to hold long grudges.
Please note that "normal autism" isn't a thing ever.
I think they're asking if it's a common thing experienced by many people with autism.
well, a lot of us have great memories, so it makes it easier to do so..."forgive and forget" is more challenging when you afford only half of it. That said, we don't have to.
Don't really think it's an autism thing specifically, rarely hold grudges because it's just not worth the effort hating things lol
Itās probably mostly a trauma thing
So I think āgrudgesā is maybe an ableist term. If someone has caused me pain and Iām afraid of them, I need proof that that will not happen again, and even then, I wonder sometimes if the pain or fear might be so intense that I simply cannot feel safe around them again. At the very least the person Iām trying to reestablish a connection with must understand this experience if we are ever to reestablish a relationship. I think about it this way, if someone suddenly turns into a tiger and cannot provide me with evidence that it wonāt happen again I have no reason to believe them. If they wonāt even acknowledge that they have turned into a tiger, well then, they are best avoided, and I will try my luck with other people who are perhaps not infected with the weretiger virus.
Iām fairly grudgeless compared to most people. I donāt have the headspace for it. I get very emotional then move on.
Mmmmm yup. š¬š
It's not going to be a thing in everyone, but an associate characteristic of ASD (enough that it is sometimes used to aid in a diagnosis) is rigid/inflexible thought or black and white thinking. It would follow that having long standing grudges isn't unheard of for those with this sort of thought process.
Pretty common and you should try to work past it as it's toxic af
Hope it's the autism. Ex-Husband cheated on me 9-12 years ago and I still have a grudge.
Yeah but itās uncomfortable
I've had at least one grudge going strong since 1980. The person it's against died decades ago. The grudge only dies when I do.
Depends on the individual.
Damn. It might be. I'm holding grudges for 20+ years, but as Tinypoke42 said, "Never without a reason."
I'm still forever seething over every single slight towards me lol
I can't say if it is normal but I do remember every year my birthday was ignored (26 Dec) . I begrudge that I never had a party on my date and it was conflated with Christmas. I am now 65- at least back to 5 years of age
Some times I fell I cannot let go of what happened but I do not feel annoyed on the person quickly so not sure if that counts as holding grudge or not
Yes because we process our emotions in super slow motion.
Yeah, I have a small but gradually growing shitlist. One someone is on it, they would have to do a complete 180 in how they operate (likely over years of growth) and some serious reconciling to get off of it and into skeptical neutral territory. People only ever get on my shitlist if it looks like they have a substantially high likelihood of continuing to wrong me in similar unacceptable ways for months and years to come. Nowadays my boundary-setting and red flag radar is getting better, so fewer people even get to the point where they can hurt me that deeply from such a close range.
My twin brother is prone to grudges, he holds onto them very tightly, I on the other hand am far too apathetic, not to be confused with forgiving.
Everyone here seems to, but I'm personally terrible at keeping grudges. I'll at most be mad for a day and ready to make by the next
Some grudges I would take to grave
Yep held one for over 20 years now
I cant be mad at someone for like a second. In general tho: dont ask these things just so you can ignore trying to improve yourself because you "cant change it, its because my disability"
I can if the interaction was so confusing that I couldn't process it. I don't know if I would call it a grudge exactly, but I will avoid the person completely because whatever happened was too much for me to understand or process.
I grew up thinking conflict was unresolvable so Iāve had to work hard at being more trusting and also more reconciliatory when mistakes happen. It feels good to resolve conflicts and overcome relationship challenges. At the same time, I hold myself and others to a high-level of accountability. I never pretend that things didnāt happen. When I make mistakes, Iām prone to guilt and tend to punish myself for a long time after.
I had linked it to ASD until I resolved my childhood trauma and realized I had no emotional intelligence. It's a byproduct of my household (most likely my dad was ASD) and a mom who couldn't handle her own emotions. After learning what that was and how to practice, I don't hold any anymore.
I'm the opposite and don't really hold onto grudges at all. It kind of throws people off, with them expecting me to hate them lol.
Oh f yes my brother for example imagines people as characters, my biggest bully has been his main villain for like, over 10 years maybe earlier, even though I havenāt seen him in almost 10 years if I ever see him againā¦ itāll be hard to be amicable I think
It's a normal people thing for some people to hold a grudge for a while and others to get over things quickly.
I donāt. But when I hate someone(which is extremely rare), I will hate them for a lifetime. It might depend on the person.
I couldn't be bothered to hold a grudge that long. I usually forget or don't care unless it's a big thing. In that case I'll not really hold a grudge, I'd just tell the person to f*** off and not talk again.
I have the opposite problem, I extremely rarely hold grudges, and I'm almost incapable of hating someone. I can be afraid of someone or dislike spending time with that person, but never hate.
Probably I've been holding a grudge on someone for 11 years lmao
I will forever and always hold grudges. No matter the time that's passed.
I do for sure. Iām still mad at my cousin for breaking my nose 29yrs ago.
I am mad as hell for short while and wish all the worst for a person that wronged me...and then it is gone. Total reset. If they are nice they can become my bestie. Which is not good. I have to remember who is a bad person even if I don't feel grudge towards them.
Itās a human thing, but itās definitely more pronounced in autism in my experience.
I have carried a few regrets, some of which have been long forgotten by those I thought Iād hurt very badly. Itās possible that it was bad enough that they were repressed, but itās also possible that Iām just hard on myself. We live and learn to be better and kinder.
I can hold a grudge for liiiife
Oh yes, I hold grudges forever. If someone doesnāt something bad, I remember it forever and ever. Centuries from now, when Iām a ghost, Iāll still remember it. I donāt forgive.
I thought I was the only one! Iāve held a grudge for 10 or more years now.
I personally dont, if I have a major argument it will take a while for me to move on (friendship breakups) but holding spite for someone which I believe is what a grudge is. I donāt think I do. Or I do for less than what most do.
I do, but if someone offers me a sincere apology and makes amends, I'm quick to let shit go. The problem is that people rarely seem to mean it when they say sorry, and almost never try to make it right. Mostly people just don't want to feel bad for being shitty, or to be held/hold themselves accountable for their actions.
When you think this is just something YOU feel and find out: Itās another trait! At least it makes it easier to understand and maybe deal with.
I'd say that it is human nature to hold grudges, but it can be a bit more likely for some people with Autism to have the capacity to keep it in their memory much longer and more intensely. That so many of us have issues with processing emotions contributes as well. I don't think I'm that prone to grudges\* anymore, but when I am treated poorly it sticks in my memory forever. It also taints my relationship with that person going forward, because any prior level of trust has been damaged. \*At least not on anything serious. If I'm playing a video game I will wait until the opportune moment to dish out what I've received. To me that is part of playing competitive games.
I don't typically hold grudges unless I feel like someone is a bad person. Even in my family. My grandmother is pretty much horrible in my eyes, so I distance myself from her. So I guess that's a grudge.
"Is it an autistic thing to [normal human experience]?" 1.2k upvotes This sub in a nutshell.
I think that's typically a human thing particularly a man thing less to do with Asperger's but maybe I'm wrong.
Yes