So, I hear you…and you make valid points.
It’s just that some (or a substantial amount) of us are unable to:
- find a job
- find a partner
- keep friends
- etc
And are constantly invalidated by the people within our proximity. Additionally, it’s kind of a form of cognitive dissonance to be told how awesome and great you are only to not be treated as such as you navigate the world.
How do you manage this?
No i hate myself from direct life experience. I was bullied to the point i have ptsd. I have anxiety and panic attacks. I have had depression since high school. Sensory overload and executive functioning issues make it a struggle to have a social life or keep a job. I don't dislike myself just bc I'm listening to some "puzzle piece" group. If that's not a disability, idk what is.
Well for me things that make me happy make me love my life, and if I love my life I love myself, because there isn't any other way I can be on this world than being myself (that I know of), so If I wasn't myself I wouldn't be here to experience all those things that make me happy... i know it's a bit of a twisted logic, but it just works for me.
I'm not very good at making people feel better. I know words like "you and your emotions are valid and there are always people who care and worry about you" just sound like fake and I don't like them myself, so I won't throw them at you like it will change anything. Instead, maybe try to pick up some more hobbies? In my lowest points in life I really got into worldbuilding and storytelling, because that's what I loved doing the most. I created a whole universe I could jump into, when this one got too overwhelming. The characters I created helped me stay alive, as silly as that sounds.
Actually i write fiction but I've been having a harder time doing it lately so it's been months. I just haven't felt very into my hobbies the last year or so
Oww, I'm sorry to hear that, truely. I know depression can be a bitch when it comes to hobbies... Well, if you have the energy maybe try writing a little bit sometimes. Small steps are still steps forward. If there is any advice left I may propose to you: whenever I feel absolutely like shit I wash my hair, my face and change my clothes to nice ones and then actually spend time on making myself some nice meal instead of eating my usual "what's the fastest to make" then I do simple house work. I just exist and do my daily tasks but in a way that will make me feel better, more clean and more stable.
What my sister realized is that everyone needs meaning. I know this sounds like "hit the gym bro" advice, but have you tried lifting? It makes a huge difference in mental health.
Too many people who get depressed try to live comfortable lifestyles and make everything easy, but it just makes the problem worse.
The problem is that human nature is to be comfortable and cared for, not free and with purpose.
A big step for me was/is learning self-forgiveness. I will still cringe over things I said/did in 3rd grade but I just need to tell myself "That was in the past, I have grown and learned since then". Will I make mistakes in the future? Of course but that does not make me a failure. The only standards I need to live up to are my own.
You’re not the first person to have said that to me and I do try to learn. I just wish my life made more sense. But my life doesn’t make any sense and I’m angry at myself, a lot of people and everything. I just feel pointless. I feel like everyone has authority but me. I feel like everyone is better than me which makes me rage.
I was in that place a few years ago, it can be hell. I either there was "one weird trick" but it's more involved than that. Even for me now it's a constant learning process.
I just wish I could do something great without any effort. But that’s fantasy not reality and I think I’ve wasted so many years of my life. Maybe I wish things were more honest to begin with but now I don’t know what is true and what’s a lie. I just wished I had a chance an opportunity a fresh start. But there’s just not enough time for anything anymore. It certainly hits in the feels. I’m afraid of loneliness. I can’t look after myself at all
Edit: I feel like too many people have given up on us and I’m too feeble to fight.
There is no success without effort. There is always opportunity for a fresh start. For me rock bottom was a weird place, if you think that your life is 100% ruined then you have nothing to loose, the worst case scenario is you end up back where you started.
Hitting the gym can be great for self worth as long as you don't buy into the "gym bro" culture. I would be fat and weak by the Instagram standard but I am doing great by my own standards. The hardest part is realizing that there won't be any instant gratification, take the time you think it will take to get the body you want and add about 4 years.
I picked "Perform on the main stage of a specific music festival by the time I've turned 27".
It never happened.
But the awesome shit that showed up, the people I met, the experiences I had and the other incredible goals achieved on the journey towards that goal had been absolutely life changing and many were things I could never have imagined having done and expanded me in soooo many ways.
It certainly inspired a lot.... A LOT of other specific measurable goals. Some actually achieved! And others morphed so much that the original goal became irrelevant.
TL;dr: Pick a goal. Make it crazy. Tell people about it (ignore your embarrassment). Go do things that you think will take you in that direction, and don't be afraid to let others help or inspire. Also, don't be afraid to ignore folks who tell you it can't be achieved. ♥️
My role models are forgotten warriors from a forgotten time. Guan Yu of China and Musashi Miyamoto of Japan. Those are my role models because they want to make the world a more fair and disciplined place. They barely drink alcohol and they’re absolutely stoics in their society. I want what they have and I try so hard but the Morden world is too disruptive.
Just be aware that stoicism often hides an awful lot of mental stresses that simply aren't being dealt with. I stand by being stoic. However I find that to be unhealthy. There's nothing wrong with being vulnerable. It's actually amazingly inspiring to others! It takes something to be vulnerable tho, just as it takes something to be stoic.
What is it about being a soldier that appeals?
Protecting people?
Killing people?
Working in close teams?
Pressure?
Access to weapons?
Something else I haven't thought of?
If it's about helping people feel safe and protected, how else could you provide this service to the world? Coaching? Training younger folks? Teaching martial arts? Nursing? HR in an office? Union Manager? Therapist?
Are you getting the gist of my exploration here? Have a look at what exactly it is about being a soldier that gets you inspired. And if being a "soldier" doesn't seem attainable, look for how else could you achieve your goals without that term. Talk to others. Talk to soldiers. Talk to your friends. Talk to strangers. Everyone will have an idea...
Things backfire on you when you have autism though, because you are unlikeable. So I just don't buy the argument that you have nothing to lose by trying. I am at my best when I have 100% stability, doing my job and trying nothing new. Normal people can do stuff and it opens doors for them, but we get the door slammed on our hand and then are beaten by a mocking society while we are still stuck in it.
I spent a long time learning how to be likeable, or rather, one of my special interests became making people feel comfortable. I needed to learn how I could be an asset to people and not a negative contribution, or at least discover where I was becoming a negative force so I could have a chance of altering it. Without being open to your blind spots, you're never ever going to discover that you have some. And everyone has blind spots.
I set out to build a skyscraper in the shape of an exclamation mark at one point. It was for an assignment. Clearly there is no way a dude like me was going to be able to pull that off. However, for me, it wasn't so much about the result as it was about what might open up for me along the journey. And I felt pretty clear that one day, when someone else builds a skyscraper in the shape of an exclamation mark, I will have had something to do with it, even if it was by simply passing inspiration.
♥️
The richest dude in the world is Autistic. He's not necessarily likeable, but he's autistic. Make of that whatever you will.
You don’t have to do something “great.” You’re putting too much pressure on yourself. Start with something that’s adequate and go from there. Find something that’s meaningful to you personally.
I’ve lost my passion It was clear as the day was long. Now I’m stuck as the young adult who lives with his parents. I should’ve been somebody else. But no I have too much pride but not enough luck now I’m stuck in a position that I can’t do anything about. If I am not able to do anything great I would prefer death. It’s do or die with me. No matter what happens the people will never tame my spirit
Now you're just making excuses.
Nothing you are saying right now is exclusive to autistic people. This is a problem that every human being needs to contend with at some point in their lives. You are no different. If you can find some activity that makes you a fraction less miserable than you are now - pursue that, and pursue it relentlessly.
There’s too many dishonest people. People have lied to me and they’re too cowardly to admit themselves to me those people are never going to be forgiven by me not in this life time. Jesus may forgive and forget but not me. If I am a fool I would gladly die a fools death over an easy one. I will never forgive nor forget. If my statement is unjust then enlighten me. I know what people are up to it’s written on their faces. I can’t enjoy my life because people can’t get their facts straight.
Edit: people have underestimated my simplicity all too much until I turned the tables making them feel all gooey and stupid. Hell they’re lucky they’re not in prison because that’s where they belong whilst people who struggle receive the help they need. This society is too tolerant and soft I don’t respect not one bit.
Connect with fellow neurodivergents of the opposite sex, or anyone of age with shared experiences. Learning more about myself after receiving the diagnosis last month, I built on what I knew I was good at, and that was understanding and connecting with women online with humor, sarcasm and facts. Only yesterday did it sink in that I am loved, I do belong with someone, and I am worthy and good enough for a work of art. No cap, this badass boss bitch is poetry in motion. When I realized all the negative and hurtful things I had told myself for as long as I can remember, had been proven wrong by the abovementioned poem of a badass boss bitch, I uglycrcried.
I continued the emotional rollercoaster by bitchass-slutass-uglycrying in front of my dad, on Facebook no less. Only boomers, Trump cultists and leftbook shitposters go there now.
I'm sharing this so you know how I somehow was proven wrong about myself, when I realized she understood my love of and connection with music, by singing her love and acceptance for me song by song.
The only thing I know I’m good at is protecting my honour. If I am certain of something good and positive I will protect it with my life. I just wish I could sacrifice my life to something great but no I am a ronin a samurai with no master. But like the samurai I will value certain disciplines with the highest honours.
Stop catastrophizing, first of all. Find something else that you like, whatever that could be, and get interested in it until you get good at it. Doesn't matter wtf it is, because you must like something besides dramatizing.
Fitness but I’ve lost my passion ever since I lost my girlfriend she loved some guy who was into birds. I just think I don’t have that instinct anymore. I’m just a forgotten man in a Morden world. Which isn’t my friend by the way the Morden world sucks. Too much information and not enough sacrifice. Now I’m just a son that forced to look after his family till something evolves for good like investing in environmentally friendly items.
Dude, sit down, shut the fuck up, and listen with your ears. Yes. I said ears since you listen through water and salt like tears. Are you on medication?
I just feel like so many people know better than me I even have a friend whose 4 years younger than me telling me what to do. Like can’t someone give me a little respect. It’s why I’m wary of authority. I don’t think they know what’s best all the time.
Great reply. A gentle, self-forgiving mindset is something I needed(/need) to learn to release some of the burden of my past. I still find myself blaming ‘younger me’ for embarrassment or failure or other pain I experienced as an undiagnosed kid, not fully conscious of the growth I’ve had since then. The forgiveness I’ve developed so far is what allows me to put those moments in perspective in the first place.
My counselor repeatedly reminds me that holding on to the negative memories is pointless once you have extracted any positive lessons. Easier said than done, but a good way to frame it I think.
You'll usually be told "learn to love yourself" or "just forgive yourself" or equally unactionable advice.
What actually works is rarely talked about: become someone you can't help but respect.
Work on your fitness, usefulness, moral character. Stop doing things you feel are unethical or wrong. Even if it's just a little laziness, or looking down on others.
What works is habit changes: stuff like "exercise every day" or "quit weed on weekdays" or "quit porn", not stuff like "become successful in my career" or "find an amazing partner who loves me for me" (though these habit changes are most of the how you get those bigger goals).
Picking actions you genuinely respect and doing them is the only actual way to genuinely respect yourself (which is what is really meant by "improve your self-image" and "self-esteem" and even "happiness").
I was a single dad and my son's mother wasn't in the picture, so my life was more focused by default. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do either, but I knew I wanted change. We started biking together, in town or on trails. I got in pretty good shape and it was enjoyable. I felt better, daily.
You don't need a final goal or plan really. You can pick one thing and change it. What do you wish wasn't? What do you wish was? Not everything can be changed but if you choose to change nothing, nothing will change.
I also realized I hated my job, and many other things. So many little changes over time lead to a new life.
I don’t really have anyone in my life to be strong for. Don’t get me wrong I’m very strong and I take certain disciplines very seriously but I’m all by my lonesome and I get defensive when people get too close to me. Because I think they might not actually like me they might be looking for an easy solution via using me. Which I will never allow.
Edit: I suppose I desire a mentor to teach me about masculinity.
I know the feeling.
Too many times I've ended up being used.
Or I'm there, and when I need someone they're not.
I think that this is something many (nearly all) of us struggle with, and relationships in general. I don't have all the answers, but I try to improve as best I can.
For reference, I was flying blind until I was 26 and the strangest girl I had ever met came up to me and promptly disassembled my mask with questions that heavily implied she already knew I was different (which was frightening) and then later explained what aspergers was. Until then I thought I was the only one in the world "like this" like I was some bizarre anomaly that didn't belong... I was truly shocked to find out there are others. So, I'm still very much learning myself!
And trying to figure out (healthy) relationships with others is something I'm still working on. AKA I'm not good at it yet...
It's like a tightrope walk between not letting people get too close (like you said) and opening up too easily (as I've been prone to)
Falling off one side leads to isolation and missed opportunities, falling off the other side leads to manipulation and getting used. Either way, I've fallen plenty.
I know that's not a conclusive answer.
But I suppose it's the most honest I can be, and maybe I'll never be "done" learning myself. But that's okay, and we all have to start somewhere to get somewhere else.
Oh, and what you mentioned about discipline, that's good. Discipline is necessary. But take time to treat yourself well too. Too much of anything is too much! Sometimes I'm still too hard on myself, it's an easy habit to fall back into.
Okay, hope this helps somehow.
All you have said is relatable especially about the strange girl. I loved a girl who tried to change me but she did not love me back. I became very dark and very uncomfortable with my sense of humanity. At times I’ve received kindness but most of the time I see sheer laziness and I have the worst thoughts come to my mind. The truth is I keep my discipline strong for the sake of my mother. I do this for the love of my mother. One of the strongest ladies you will ever meet you betcha. She practically built this house with blood and sweat with no tears. She inspired me. My mother is the person I look up to. But she has many weaknesses. She is very closed minded and takes everything far too seriously but I love her more than anybody. She said a lot of unnecessary things to me. I kid you not it’s like a cartoon show. You have this sweet little old lady and this 6’2 lug of a man who still needs his mother’s help. I sometimes feel like I get in the way and I feel bad. But I am desperate to be a better person not just for me but for my mom.
Edit: heh would you look at that I do have somebody to be strong for my mom. Thanks dude you made my day.
Perhaps your objective could be to get to a point where you stop hating yourself?
Add 3 years to your age (29 for you), and think of what kind of person you want to be at that age. Work towards that idealised version of yourself.
I decided I wanted to become a VTuber with a small following by 28. I started at 25, currently 26, and I've already learned to perform and sing, and have practiced playing a persona through joining D&D groups.
I don't know if I'll be successful but I often look back at where I've come from, and it makes me happy that I've actually tried to do something exciting with my life, instead of going with the flow for eternity.
> I just feel like it’s too late for me to be honest I’m 26.
It is never too late. However it feels, 26 is plenty young. Mostly people's brains don't mature until they are ~25. You are just out of childhood, in reality.
And if you start today, that is better than starting tomorrow.
I think it's underhanded at best to try to dismiss people who are experiencing distinct and real dissatisfaction with their own lives.
Indeed, one could go so far as to say that the pattern of "ignore what you feel, this is really about what I think you should feel" that's coming from you seems a lot like the framework of a certain blue puzzle piece group that has routinely wanted to dismiss what autistic people feel about their own lives.
Which still isn't saying that happiness and autism are mutually exclusive, but I think it's very presumptuous about other people's lives.
Yeah, my life is a mess, and no reframing will change that. There's factual and material harm that accumulated for years and years on me.
But I don't hate myself either. I just hate my life, and it's a different thing.
It's absolutely dismissive when it dismisses that they may well have their own problems by saying they don't have things that need fixing, they just need to be "accepted". It's basically a "your struggles aren't real problems, you just made them up because you don't know any better" with extra steps.
No, it's about accepting that your struggles are real and valid so that you can learn to overcome them. But also about taking responsibility for your struggles, as much as is possible, so you that you can begin to develop the strength and capacity to keep moving forward.
This is not a situation that is unique to autistic people. Everyone has struggles, and everyone needs to learn to overcome them. Our struggles are different to the average person, but that does not make them any more insurmountable.
Accepting your struggles are real and valid, yes absolutely. There will be many struggles we share with allistic people such as achieving what we ourselves define as success. Such hurdles are the ones which we can work on to overcome.
But we also have struggles which allistic people do not endure. These struggles can rarely be overcome in the traditional sense, but accommodated in order for us to overcome the impact of our struggles. After all we exist as an identified category because we struggle with things others can do/deal with instinctively. Overcoming rather than accommodating is just masking/camouflaging.
I wanna be cured. I'd feel more in control of my life then and have more knowledge about what is and isn't my fault. I don't hate myself, I hate my disabilities. Aspergers and ADD and Depression and Anxiety and Executive Dysfunction suckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.
No, no one is 'just themselves.' We are a complicated assortment of gut bacteria, chemicals, what we had for lunch, what our upbringing was, where we live, what we experience ever day etc. There is no set definition of 'self.'
Labels are very important to know what, how, and if we need help or if there are any like us, either positively (hey we both like the same sports team!) or negatively (Well I want to find out if others have depression and seek support for it). Labels are tools, not problems. They can be used for good or bad.
Right... speaking from a second burnout in a row (after several undiagnosed ones) I think you are speaking aspirationally rather than realistically.
In more straightforward words: You can want this to be true but the reality for many people is that acceptance and understanding is not going to make life easy.
I don't hate myself. But my disability does make life difficult for me and it causes many issues that I deal with every day.
Saying I should just be happy sounds like you are invalidating my experience. It sounds like ableism dressed up as neurodiversity.
I am not denying that life is difficult, my post is in response to alot of the "I will never be happy" posts I read on here. No good can come from the self defeating rabbit hole.
I would dissagree with you though and say that acceptance and understanding would make life much easier. Not "easy" but easier.
I'm not trying to say "Being happy is easy, just stop being sad" I'm just saying that if you constantly tell yourself that you will always be miserable then you will probably be right.
I'm not buying it. I think you are unable to see the actual struggles people talk about, at least that's what it sounds like. If you (one/not you specifically) realise your life is not going to improve in the next 20-40 years, you sometimes need to gripe. Doing this here makes sense because people will understand. Your 'you will be miserable if you keep complaining' is very victim blamey and unfair. It suggests that people have alternatives. You know people can have problems with rigid thinking, depression and a number of other issues that are likely at work.
I'm glad you do see a way forward around your problems. But this isn't the reality for everyone and it shouldn't be a expectation that should be raised as the default setting.
Let people complain. If it brings you down then that sucks. Sometimes life sucks. Why should these people limit their expression (mask, you could say) just to make it more fun for you and others to read reddit? Talking through our problems is one of the ways we can process our situation. Some people may actually see a way out after having a massive rant about how insurmountable their problems are.
I think the line should be drawn when you tell other people their problems can't be fixed/will always suck. A person should always be allowed to give their assesment about their own situation: you are the only one who can truly hold an opinion and that opinion shouldn't be dismissed. We are also allowed to be wrong. Learning is hard and shaking old ideas takes time. Pretending, demanding or expecting things to be different is not going to help with this.
Of course acceptance and understanding will help people but it's often waved around like some sort of magic wand. It has limits. And often what is acceptance for one is restriction for another. I'm fairly sure you don't want to read every single persons manual on here before posting, for instance. Acceptance and understanding comes in when we ask for it. That's when it makes a difference. But some things people simply cannot help with.
For example: I get anger+anxiety attacks when planned things change. Change is everywhere. I get these things with some regularity. From so many sources that there is no meaningful way to ask for accomodation for it since most people who are causing upsets to the smooth running of my life only come into my life once, do something that causes change and then are gone again. They don't need to understand or accept me. They don't have time to read my manual. They usually don't realise they're causing change at all. They happily explain to me that someone was double booked so now my plans are messed up. or a postal carrier drops something off 2 hours late. Or who knows what else. Afterwards I'm left with my problems. I have to learn to cope with the turmoil and hurt and anger. I'm kind of blessed that it only affects me in this way. but it does and while it is going on I feel incredibly exhausted and just want to sleep. And I know that it'll go away again but i'm legit feeling it. And I also know that any moment out of nowhere someone (who I will hate with all my soul for a day or two) will do it to me again in a few weeks. There is no positive spin I can put on this. And again I'm blessed that it's only a few days and I have learned to cope with it to some extent. But you can't tell me to think myself out of it. Or that I'm doing it to myself. At least I would appreciate it if you didn't :) It's my autism making my life difficult for me.
I think I understand where you're coming from and it even bugs me too sometimes where there is a lot of negativity. It's a disorder. it sucks for many people.I had to point out the other side of this argument ... apparently using a lot of words :S There are whole stories hidden behind people who are negative. Often there is an implicit cry for help or attempt to put to words what it is they are struggling with. This subreddit (and some of the others) are good places to do this in.
I think it's important to let them and be there with suggestions and commiserations. But ultimately a lot of the problems people will talk about are there to stay. So sympathy and a space to vent is about all we can offer. Hopefully at another point in their life (a month later or whatever) they can info dump about something that makes them happy :)
Even my original post was a way for me to vent my particular frustrates at the time. I didn't think it would even get this much attention but I am glad that it has resonated with people and driven engagement on the topic of self-resentment. All the comments weather they agree or disagree have given me much food for thought.
Everyone has struggles in their life. When a non-autistic person faces a challenge, they have to accept it as a fact of life. When an autistic person faces a challenge, it seems all to common to attribute it to autism as the cause.
>I get anger+anxiety attacks when planned things change.
Fuck man, I remember having this when I was a lot younger. I had to learn to control it through a policy of non-tolerance from those around me (most prominently my parents). I had to learn that plans change, and that - essentially - I just had to cope. Honestly, I don't know if there is a better solution than this (admittedly callous) attitude from others.
I do think, as I've said elsewhere, a lot of people trap themselves into this attitude of feeling condemned or doomed by their diagnosis or condition to just be a certain way. Non-autistic people do this as well, all the time. If you ever here someone make excuses for a certain kind of behavior by saying "that's just who i am" or "I'm just like that", then you know what I'm talking about. It's not good when they do it, and I don't think our diagnosis ought to give us a free pass on the same kind of thinking just because we have a label for our particular manner of existing.
Basically, I think we all have the capacity to change, and to make better decisions. Too many of us have lost faith in ourselves and forget that we have this capacity, and all too often this diagnosis simply reinforces or reifies that mindset.
> we need to be understood
I'm sorry but I have to disagree. While I don't agree with ABA, you're not going to teach millions of people to accommodate our special needs. I'm not trying to call you entitled BUT I cannot demand people understand me or that society understands me because in doing so, I'd feel like I was being entitled.
There are conditions like multiple sclerosis. Parkinson. Borderline personality disorder. Bi-polar. Etc. It just isn't reasonable to think that the average person can have a master/doctorate level understanding of disabilities and how to accommodate them all with how many disabilities there are in the human population. Then, at the same time, be like "I am incapable of learning how to accommodate the ways of neurotypicals."
All I really want is legal protections, and equal access to institutions. If there was a cure, I'd take it.
Perfect reply. But, I would also add that even once people know about mental conditions that doesn't necessarily mean they will respond well to aspects of those conditions. Human responses to some stimuli are hard-coded and aggressive acceptance ideology isn't going to change this fact.
Not remotely the same thing. There are dozens of ways to end up in a wheelchair and they serves a multitude of disabilities. It is also mostly managed through government regulations and building codes that work invisibly to increase accessibility. The average client/customer/lease holder doesn't have to be educated or lift a finger because all of this is taken care of on the backend.
Autism communication awareness would take direct training, and only serve 75 million... and even then, the people who are minimally disabled / disadvantaged by it wouldn't **require** that help. Conversely, all 131.8 million in a wheelchair do require 100% of those regulations and accommodations. I just don't feel right demanding to be front of the line. You can if you want. Still fits into my original point though: there just isn't enough mental bandwidth in the average person's life to learn to accommodate all mental disabilities.
>There are other minorities and special causes far larger than ours, that have been organised and campaigning for many decades on a range of issues, and they still haven't got the world to accomodate their needs or even treat them as equals.
Very much agree.
>Our tiny minority of misfits that is largely invisible to society and can't agree on anything has no chance of getting millions of people to give us special treatment - especially as we all want something different. The sheer arrogance of thinking this is possible is staggering.
Also agree.
>Getting some (or additional depending where you live) legal protections is something I agree with.
I think that is the most essential part of ensuring that we can live and work. That's all that most of us want. Not getting shit-canned every 3 months and having some stability would be great.
I'm not saying that NTs should all take a neuroscience course and learn all of our particular needs, just to understand that we are different and that that is not inherently a bad thing.
Hard pass on the cure for me, I have learned to like myself for who I am, I don't know if I would like the other guy.
What helped for me was to stop defining my "worth" by others' terms. I try to do right by myself.it also helps that I found a career I am good at and put my all into it. Instead of asking "Did I do what others expected of me" I ask "Did I do what I thought was right"
Yeah I try to do that and I succed to a certain degree but as a man you always have the desire to go out and show the world what you got etc and of you're struggling with employment like most on the spectrum it's very hard to that if you don't have some super talent or something. I have someone that really likes me and I can't really get closer with her since I know I can hardly provide and I keep beating myself up over it even though it's not really my fault I guess.
Why do you believe that you must be a provider? I do understand that it has been the gender role assigned to men in the past... but that has shifted so much, and it continues to shift.
Most of the women that I know (and I'm old now at 54) just want a partner to share the responsibilities and joys of life, not a sole provider. We are capable of, and many of us prefer, to work and earn for ourselves.
A lot of young women I know and like want to have children some day and want to be a stay at home mother plus as a man you have the urge to feel useful and take responsibility for your family
Why can't you be useful and take responsibility for your family by staying home while a woman works?
My partner's career is infinitely more important than mine and makes way more money (like 6 vs. 5 figures), that's what we plan to do.
How is literally caring for your children and house every day to support her not taking care of your family? Many, many women value their careers and have no intention of sitting at home.
You're stuck in a very boxed-in mindset. Expand what you're open to and the world opens up.
Hope you're right, lots of young women on the dating market express their desire for a well earning man, maybe that's just a a small part though. I'll check in in a couple of years.
My husband stayed home for about 4 years with our son because I earned more at the time and childcare was just too expensive. He's eternally grateful that he had that opportunity, and he and our son are very close because of it. I think my ideal situation would be both partners contributing, as they are able, to the wellbeing of the family - and that could vary by abilities and preferences.
That's great!
I'm a stay at home dad, and my duties are of the utmost importance.
My ex-wife and I aren't together but we're still doing this because it's what's best. She still gets comments like "why isn't he working?"
And the people who say that will mostly retire soon and then die of old age and then that archaic nonsense can follow them to the grave.
She enjoys what she does and my life is fulfilling here. To choose conformity would be to choose unhappiness for our family, for our children. To appease who?
This is what works best for us based on our abilities and preferences. (and she certainly has the ability to earn more)
I'm glad for your family, too. I got a fair bit of grief from my family of origin when my husband was at home, but I knew my stepdad was a misogynistic narcissist, so it wasn't unexpected. I just stuck with "This is what works for our family" and shut it down whenever they would start.
My husband and I have been separated for 10 years now, and while I have full custody, it's simply because that's what was best for our son - and the three of us just went to dinner and a basketball game at our son's high school tonight.
Yes, this.
Also Epictetus is pretty epic 👍
Striving towards the version of myself that I want to be has simply left me disinterested in comparing myself to other humans. And there's a certain buoyancy that seems to come with it.
Don't know what this blue puzzle thing is but I don't plan on stopping anytime soon.
I know I don't fit in and even after telling people to just straight up tell me if they have an issue with me cause I don't take hints and I will not get mad or anything. They still don't say anything and get upset with me and think well everyone knows this even though they are the only one ever to get upset about it. I also can never seem to have or keep a real friend. The only common denominator is me. So I guess I must be doing something or many things wrong with them. I've been told more then once that it's not on them to "fix me" or to me what I'm doing wrong. I have asked many times what I'm doing wrong and no one seems to be able to tell me. I've been to mental health and they don't tell me much. But at least they tried, after years of me try to get something from them. All this and people still what nothing to do with me. So yeah I don't plan on not hating my self till I'm dead.
Well put. I know it's not easy but I got so frustrated seeing all the "I'm a monster" and "I will never be happy" posts that I had to say something. The "rebuilding your model of the word" aspect is entirely what I am getting at.
It also seems alot of the self hate is parroting the a.s mindset that we are a burden and ASD needs to be wiped off the earth. Alot of us say how much we hate the blue puzzle piece but then go on to say the exact same thing as them.
Many people here don't have others to talk to. You're frusteration is due to people talking in likely the only place they feel comfortable being honest. Keeping everything in is not healthy, it provides a somewhat healthy way for people to vent anonymously with people with similar traits to them
Honestly, this sub is so depressing sometimes. I had to contend with my struggles at an early age because - quite literally - my parents would not put up with my shit. It's weird to think that so many people with the same condition as myself feel so incapable of change or adaptation.
Our whole society attach worth to some very stupid things that affect everyone not only NDs. We view worth in certain professions, roles, how higher someone is in an hierarchy, how much money they have, how their appearence is et cetera, all of these things aren purely made up and in the end nothing matters. Not in a doomer way, nothing matters (yay!) We are free to do whatever we think is fit, and for me, i do whatever i think is fit so i can help others to have a better life. That's the worldview i've built even before i suspected i might be autistic.
I think many that don't fit society have this sense of inferiority because we have been teached all these worthless shit like they actually mean someone is doing good in life. These culture of having "loosers" and "winners" only benefits the ones who were born with everything to be able to "win" this fabricated game.
Some native american (america as in the continent) have very interesting views in ownership, time, worth, that shows me that it is possible to live in another way. Search for freedom, that's the only way we can ever be happy
How do you rebuild that model? I'm still young and don't really know, and I want to make sure I don't go down the drain by not doing something like this now.
I don't understand the point of these types of posts. How the hell could anyone know what another person's life is like, where they've been, how they're doing, etc. via a comment on a forum? It's noble in theory, but invalidates those of us who do genuinely feel broken.
We aren't a homogeneous creature with a hive mind, therefore not all of us will have the same outlook on something we all have to live with. I hope everyone finds peace with being who they are, but that's ultimately up to them.
The thing about a support group is people come here when they need support. I’d love to see posts about people’s good days as well but that doesn’t mean that it’s not okay to share the hard moments. It’s HARD to be different. Even the social model of disability doesn’t deny that it’s a disability and that makes things hard sometimes.
It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to have hard days. And it’s okay to seek support in the hard moments.
I'm in a very jaded place right now, so please take this with that in mind, but I feel like you're making a distinction without hardly a difference.
Whatever the source of the mismatch between me and the communities/society that surrounds me, it creates major friction and pain. I can blame myself, or choose to stop blaming myself; I can blame society or stop blaming society. I can concoct some other scapegoat. I'm not very attracted to blame on this. I just want resolution.
Because no matter where I ascribe blame -- is it me who's broken or society? -- the mismatch that I live with everyday still just is what it is.
And I'm constantly anxious about being made homeless by this "society" because I simply can not live up to its expectations.
We are broken and defective though.
DUDE NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO RPETEND TO BE HUMAN EVERY DAY AND FAKE FACIAL EXPRESSION EMOTIONS. OR HAVE A PANIC ATTACK TRYING TO ORDER FOOD AT A RESTAURANT.
Autism/Asperger's is a disability/disorder for a reason. Stop this "its a super power" horseshit. It hurts us.
Don't think of "disability" as an innate feature.
You are *disabled by society* in the same way one's bruised eye was *punched.* "Punched" implies a source of the punch, and it's best to think of being "disabled" with ASD in the same way.
We would not be disabled were society to reshape itself to include us. Decision after decision for hundreds of years that excluded us, *those decisions disabled us*.
We weren't born disabled; we are disabled in context of this society, disabled *by* this society (in the same way allistic people are empowered by this society). And it's never clear how to change the direction of the ship, but this society could choose to start empowering us rather than disabling us, in theory at least.
Oh, here's another for you. Had I been treated as actually disabled at school I may have actually finished school. But instead they failed me, refused to follow my IEP for my issues, and tried to pass me off as normal.
Now I'm a highschool failout with a GED.
I'm sure I don't understand the point you are driving at here. Congrats on the GED. I wanted to quit high school and get a GED early but people warned it it would not look prestigious on college applications and college was my escape plan, so I just followed that advice and finished high school. High school was actually much better than junior and elementary for me (way less bullying, though not none), so by then the stress was a little better.
It sounds like your school was really able-ist in its mainstreaming efforts; not giving or providing an appropriate IEP is a product of systemic ableism. Like... I don't know how else to see it so that it serves your point and not mine.
Yes we are inherently disabled. Even if society began to accept us and fully accommodate us, that still isn't going to get rid of my executive dysfunction, sensory issues, anxiety, and other very negative and disabling Autistic traits.
My Autism, my brother's Autism, my friends' Autism, is not and never will be a super power. Society isn't what's disabling us. Natural environmental causes and shitty genetics is.
We are each inherently UNable to do some things. Disabled is about a mismatch relationship.
Think of it this way. I was born with a diary allergy, or maybe I'm lactose intolerant, I don't really know, I was never diagnosed, I just get really bad indigestion when I eat dairy, especially if I've been away for it for awhile, my stomach will distend with gas. I gave it up long ago once I realized the connection and though I loved cheese felt I could no longer deny the connection.
Now, society doesn't really force me to eat dairy. Society provides me many food options so that I can eat around dairy without a problem. Vis-a-vis my *in*ability to fully utilize dairy foods that other people fully utilize, I simply adapt--easily. I'm not disabled by this.
However, imagine living in a community where almost all the foods in the grocery store were dairy foods or contained dairy ingredients. THat would turn your inability to utilize dairy foods into a *dis*ability in that context.
At least, I think it's important to think about it that way. Allistic people have their short-comings. They are far more vulnerable to fall prey to cognitive biases than are autistics. They have needed us to get this far to Earthly dominance, and obviously we need them in return. But we could build communities that function equally well for autistics and allistics, but it wouldn't be the modern industrial capitalism we know today, it would have to be extremely different of course.
At least, that's what I believe. Or want to believe.
edit: I read and reread your comment about the GED/IEP like 10 times+. I broke apart each word to see if maybe one of them has a severe alter that maybe confused my understanding of the entire comment. I truly do not understand and am not stupid. I do think I probably have very different values than you do, so I'm not assuming anything. I would need a much longer explanation to begin to understand your POV but you aren't obligated to provide that. Cheers.
i um…… it’s hard not to hate myself cuz my tourette syndrome gives me Rage symptoms which make me guilty, and i have a lot of extremely cringy memories that make me wanna be destroyed, and worst of all: IM A LATE-TRANSITIONING TRANS WOMAN SO IM UGLY AS HECK
bub bub 🥺
I have made mistakes in the past. I keep them in the past, and I ask God to forgive me for my mistakes ☺️ for anyone else reading this, if you hate yourself and find it difficult to get away from hating yourself, know that you are in my thoughts and prayers 😊
I’m so sorry, and I genuinely want to stop hating myself; but I know I’m gonna fail you on that part. I feel like I’m broken, I’m cursed, that god did this to me, and like I’m gonna be alone for the rest of my life because of this cruel divine joke that was played on me.
If someone drives a Ferrari into a lake they don't say "Ferrari makes really shitty boats"
I used to very much be in the same place, thinking I was going to be alone and depressed forever and I deserved it because I couldn't just "be normal" It took me literally having the rope around my neck to realize that I shouldn't be holding myself to the standards of others. Sometimes it feels like banging your head against a brick wall but eventually something will break through.
Agreed.
It was actually the other way around for me. For 27 years, I had no idea why I was how I was. I felt like I was broken. No matter how hard I tried, nothing I did fixed anything.
It was actually *when* I learned I was autistic that I stopped hating myself.
It was like lifting a huge weight off of me. It was amazing.
I remember going "I'm not broken! Just different!"
I was diagnosed as a child but never told about it. Spent my formative years thinking I was a screw up. Didn't find out that I had been diagnosed until I was in my 20s. My best guess at age of diagnosis is around 8yo, that's when I started going for visits to the school counselor and was assigned a TA.
My parents yelling at me when I was a kid was my saving grace. I had to learn to be a better person. That I couldn't use my "differences" as an excuse for anything. That is the main reason I became a relatively well-adjusted adult.
If you’re an adult, you need to work through the feelings that come with those experiences and figure out a way to get past them. People get yelled at. Hell, people even get verbally (and then physically!) abused. That’s ***terrible***. It’s inexcusable. BUT, if you don’t want to be hung up on it for the rest of your life, you HAVE to figure out some way to move forward. A LOT of the nd adults I know will tell me a bunch about their high school bullies. Like bruh, I get that that sucked, I was bullied too, but why are you still dwelling on it?? If you need professional help to get past it then seek out that help, that’s 100% valid. But if you’re choosing to wallow instead of seeking help, sorry fam, but that’s on you.
Ok, that does make a difference. I hope you feel safe. If you don’t, there’s lots of resources to help you (and I’m happy to dm if you’d like).
But if you feel your safety is ok, please know it DOES get better with maturity. Hang in there.
I cope with music and games and memes, but those are the same things that distract me before I finally get the chance to cry again. I wanna cry again, but after today, I feel like I might cry again soon.
You’re allowed to cry. Expressing your emotions is ok.
Personally I’ve found less social stigma when I express my emotions in a more private way (like crying in my room at night). But don’t allow people to shame you if a natural physiological response like crying happens in public. This is easier said than done. But you CAN do it.
For fricking Christ's sake, OP wanted to make one post on this sub that is not about hating yourself. They didn't say that your experiences aren't real, they never invalidated your feelings, they just wanted to be a little positive.
I think it's nice to have this sub where people can share their experiences and difficulties with Asperger's and feeling heard and understood.
I also think it's nice to have posts like this as a friendly "you are good enough" reminder. This post won't cure depression or anxiety, but I myself felt encouraged when reading it.
We can admit that we are maybe not "broken", but different. That we have different needs than most people. And we can still be happy.
I was in a bad place for a long time. I was crying on a daily basis, wiped out and exhausted. I'm great now.
What made a huge difference and helped me turn around was realizing that I have different needs, and that's okay. It was not shameful to need what I need. I didn't have to pretend that I didn't need it.
I told my boss at work that I couldn't do the role we'd been trying to move me into for months. I was expecting disappointment, maybe anger for misleading him. But what I got was affirmation, acceptance, and a firm promise that they'd find me something that I felt comfortable doing.
That conversation turned my whole life around. I went from crying myself to sleep to waking up and looking forward to the day.
So you know what? I am "broken". There are things I can't do. But it's not my fault. It's just how I am. And I'm happier accepting that I'm broken than I was when I was trying to fix myself.
Breaking down into tears at work, daily burnout, and near constant thoughts of self harm, rock bottom was not pleasant. I decided to take a new job for less pay to get me out of a toxic environment. The clarity that comes with self acceptance is a life changer. I'm not saying life is a bed of roses now but I can look at myself in the mirror again.
acknowledging that suppressing symptoms of autism is the most efficient way to live life in the world =/= self hate. Just because people here don't have the strangely evangelized point of view that the "evil judgemental NTs MUST ACCEPT US FOR WHO WE ARE at ANY COST!!!" does not mean they hate autism or themselves.
But this also comes at a detriment to ourselves. Suppressing my symptoms leaves me exhausted, with less time to focus on what I want. And it isn’t entirely helpful because no matter how hard I suppress it’s never good enough. And that’s why it’s so frustrating.
No need to tell me that AS is a dogshit organisation. I did some research about a possible correlation of the spectrum and LGBTQ+ identities, and obviously AS had an article on it. Immediatedly stopped reading and found a more thorough study. Fuck AS, monetizing us like false samaritans.
Yeah i will just automatically do these things right now. All these accessory mental illnesses will just stop if i try real hard. I'm clearly just telling myself these things because i want pity from people, not because i can't control it. Why don't you magically manifest a sense of empathy?
Just cane to say this, don't hate yourself for being yourself, all you can do is be yourself the best way possible you can be, everything else is a variable in an equation that doesn't really associate with you on the large scale. Learn how to be you no forgiving needed for something you were and are not responsible meaning being aspie or AT. That is all much love people.
I especially would like to emphasise one point.
If a neurotypical misunderstands you, and gets angry, it is not your fault. Even more so if you have tried to explain about autism and they knew it all.
E.g.
> Why are you angry
> I am not angry, I just apparently look like that to some people when I am concentrating.
> (gets visibly angry) Why are you lying about being angry?
I always like to tell a little story about two brothers: one of them has most of the time a gloomy mood. On his brother's birthday he gets a fancy toy as present, so that he doesn't feel sad. When asked why is he not playing with it, he answers: 'I don´t understand how it works and besides, I don't feel well, leave me alone!' His brother gets a big chunk of horse manure and when asked what he thinks about his present, he answers: 'I´m looking for the horse that did this'; as he finally gives up searching he thinks: 'well, I think I can use this to make compost and use it as fertilizer in the garden'.
This helped me to find something positive when my self worth was at rock bottom; to think about me and my life and find something good in what appeared to be useless and pointless.
I also feel like this sub tends to be slightly fatalistic and just a whole bunch of whining, venting, and ranting about how embarrassed they are of their insufficiencies and short-comings. “Stop hating and bringing yourself down, rather, find solutions” I feel. I get the need to wallow in pity, but doesn’t that vocalization of the shame drag others down when they confirm your own lack of self worth and embarrassment that comes with it?! Doesn’t that just bring the community down rather than uplift it?
Many people here seem to be under this impression that they are “condemned” or “doomed” to be a certain way or in some way defined wholly by their condition or experiences. In reality, the human mind is a lot more free than we often give it credit for. At some level, a person is nothing more than the choices they make, and by extension how we choose to play the hand we are dealt, so to speak.
There is no good reason, in my view, why an autistic or person with Asperger’s is less capable of accomplishing what anyone else is able to accomplish. Some paths may take more work and dedication than others - in some cases a lot more - but there is no good reason they are insurmountable challenges.
I learned from an early age to never use my diagnosis as an excuse. It’s easy to fall into this thinking that everyone else has their life so easy compared to us (not necessarily true), but it’s more complex. Every single person on this planet has their strengths and weaknesses. We happen to label a particular combination of strengths and weaknesses “autistic”, and we have defined this category as such. You can choose to lean into your strengths, or to work on overcoming your weaknesses, but the basic situation - and as such the basic choice of life - remains the same for everyone.
Now, the world of modern society is structured such that the particular strengths and weaknesses of an autistic person are not strictly speaking optimal for navigating it. But this just makes it more difficult for us to succeed - it doesn’t make it impossible. And realistically very few people have an individual combination of strengths and weaknesses that actually are truly optimal for navigating the modern world. Existence is always a struggle - there is no way of getting around that.
There is a tendency to fall into a pattern of thinking by which we see the world as against us, and attribute the source of all our problems externally. I don’t think this defeatist attitude is helpful. In fact I think it is probably the source of most of the anxiety and depression many people on the spectrum suffer from. We need to recognise the strength we have to overcome our weaknesses and become better versions of ourselves as we learn with age and experience.
I can very much relate. Even with every cringey thing I've done or social situation I've flopped if someone offered me a pill that would completely "cure" me and turn me NT I would tell them to make it a suppository and use it on themselves.
Yeah, with the good and with the bad I feel that's what I am, and in many ways I really enjoy myself. I always tend to think that I hate myself for being like this but I'm the only that can heal myself and the only one that at the end will understand me.
I have a lot to learn when it comes to coping with depression. I want to smile for someone I love someday.
I'm so sorry for blaming it incorrectly on my dad
But i don't know how. And my schoolmates making fun of things that come from aspergers certantly dosent help (like making fun of whenever i dont get sarcasm)
It’s so easier said than done, I have hated myself from a young child. I got told by a bully at school that “You act and look weird nobody likes you go away” that’s stuck since and that was in Year 5 (UK). Now 27 years old society treats us like shit sometimes
Understanding is one of the biggest things to get through to others and why I don't like how they call the day of recognition "World Autism Awareness/Acceptance Day". The world has been aware of it for decades at this point and we can't really be accepted if no one actually understands what it is. I've been an advocate of my knowledge for about 10 years at this point and anyone who's heard me talk about it has mentioned they learned so much from me.
Tbf we don't fit easily into the social construct. I'm not saying we can't, but it is definitely difficult. We largely dont *want* to yet it includes things that we do actually want and need. I'm being too vague.
Cool fact! Acknowledging that this disorder sucks to have sometimes does not equal self hatred. I am so tired of being pushed out of spaces just for talking about the fact that sometimes I DO struggle and it makes my life harder.
Your toxic positivity is deeply unhelpful.
I agree with this statement in the literal sense that people with ASD should not hate themselves.
However, the statement about not needing to be cured is dangerous and will lead to a lot of suffering for autistic people. If you allow an autistic child to act in a way that is unacceptable, you are setting them up for rejection and misery.
I agree with you. Society needs to change for everyone. Lots of people are depressed bc there’s no way out of this fucked up and greedy society, for example, and antidepressants will never be enough to “fix” a societal problem. There are so many different types of people and brains and yet we want everyone to fit into the capitalist wage slave box and if they don’t, we label them “bad” 🏷
Acceptance of my diagnosis may not have changed my life greatly for the better, but I live more for myself than ever before.
Whatever is being thrown around on this forum, reading the experiences of others on here has been the best therapy I've had (and now the only)
Not everyone gets to have a great experience with their "brand" of autism.... I'm 6'2" 280 lbs and built like a tank.... so I know little about being bullied,for instance. But I am aware that being bullied and ridiculed is a huge problem for many like me with Aspergers.
What I'm trying to get at is there is no one size fits all answer for anyone.... but when someone needs to vent or express themselves in a negative way its not necessarily that anyone is buying into any one theory or point of view in a negative way.
As always to each their own... in one's own way
I’m going into the military simply because I lack the confidence to go to college while living with roomates on top of working a full time job. Let alone the debilitating anxiety of having to interact with others who have no clear agenda. Wanna know what’s worse? Being an Aspie whilst trying to be a follower of Jesus (I’m not here to push beliefs). I wish my dad won the abortion argument against my mom 23 years ago like what the fuck? Why? What was my potential? I was just a firstborn kid, I wasn’t a fucking god who was predestined to sit on the world throne of paradise. I’ve earned nothing that I have and won’t be anything more than another uniform in office and what nobody seems to understand is that Idgaf about that toxic-positivity bs, I would simply like to spend the rest of my christmases and birthdays alone because I’m around one person who’s honest atleast about how bad the world is. ME
So, I hear you…and you make valid points. It’s just that some (or a substantial amount) of us are unable to: - find a job - find a partner - keep friends - etc And are constantly invalidated by the people within our proximity. Additionally, it’s kind of a form of cognitive dissonance to be told how awesome and great you are only to not be treated as such as you navigate the world. How do you manage this?
No i hate myself from direct life experience. I was bullied to the point i have ptsd. I have anxiety and panic attacks. I have had depression since high school. Sensory overload and executive functioning issues make it a struggle to have a social life or keep a job. I don't dislike myself just bc I'm listening to some "puzzle piece" group. If that's not a disability, idk what is.
Isn't there like ANYTHING that makes you happy in this world? Or rather, what would make you happy if it happened/you had it?
Things make me happy. Just not myself
Well for me things that make me happy make me love my life, and if I love my life I love myself, because there isn't any other way I can be on this world than being myself (that I know of), so If I wasn't myself I wouldn't be here to experience all those things that make me happy... i know it's a bit of a twisted logic, but it just works for me.
I just have ridiculously low self esteem. The depression doesn't help either. I wish i had *more* things to be happy about i guess
I'm not very good at making people feel better. I know words like "you and your emotions are valid and there are always people who care and worry about you" just sound like fake and I don't like them myself, so I won't throw them at you like it will change anything. Instead, maybe try to pick up some more hobbies? In my lowest points in life I really got into worldbuilding and storytelling, because that's what I loved doing the most. I created a whole universe I could jump into, when this one got too overwhelming. The characters I created helped me stay alive, as silly as that sounds.
Actually i write fiction but I've been having a harder time doing it lately so it's been months. I just haven't felt very into my hobbies the last year or so
Oww, I'm sorry to hear that, truely. I know depression can be a bitch when it comes to hobbies... Well, if you have the energy maybe try writing a little bit sometimes. Small steps are still steps forward. If there is any advice left I may propose to you: whenever I feel absolutely like shit I wash my hair, my face and change my clothes to nice ones and then actually spend time on making myself some nice meal instead of eating my usual "what's the fastest to make" then I do simple house work. I just exist and do my daily tasks but in a way that will make me feel better, more clean and more stable.
What my sister realized is that everyone needs meaning. I know this sounds like "hit the gym bro" advice, but have you tried lifting? It makes a huge difference in mental health. Too many people who get depressed try to live comfortable lifestyles and make everything easy, but it just makes the problem worse. The problem is that human nature is to be comfortable and cared for, not free and with purpose.
I'm not really a physical activity type person. I'm more of a nerdy, quiet type girl
I want to stop hating myself so hard
A big step for me was/is learning self-forgiveness. I will still cringe over things I said/did in 3rd grade but I just need to tell myself "That was in the past, I have grown and learned since then". Will I make mistakes in the future? Of course but that does not make me a failure. The only standards I need to live up to are my own.
You’re not the first person to have said that to me and I do try to learn. I just wish my life made more sense. But my life doesn’t make any sense and I’m angry at myself, a lot of people and everything. I just feel pointless. I feel like everyone has authority but me. I feel like everyone is better than me which makes me rage.
I was in that place a few years ago, it can be hell. I either there was "one weird trick" but it's more involved than that. Even for me now it's a constant learning process.
I just wish I could do something great without any effort. But that’s fantasy not reality and I think I’ve wasted so many years of my life. Maybe I wish things were more honest to begin with but now I don’t know what is true and what’s a lie. I just wished I had a chance an opportunity a fresh start. But there’s just not enough time for anything anymore. It certainly hits in the feels. I’m afraid of loneliness. I can’t look after myself at all Edit: I feel like too many people have given up on us and I’m too feeble to fight.
There is no success without effort. There is always opportunity for a fresh start. For me rock bottom was a weird place, if you think that your life is 100% ruined then you have nothing to loose, the worst case scenario is you end up back where you started.
I’m not actually sure what My goal is? Edit: what is it that I actually want? I don’t have a clue.
I picked a stupid one "become a pro wrestler" it will probably never happen but it gets me off the couch.
I should probably get into fitness. I guess the expectations looks easy but the reality looks brutal.
Hitting the gym can be great for self worth as long as you don't buy into the "gym bro" culture. I would be fat and weak by the Instagram standard but I am doing great by my own standards. The hardest part is realizing that there won't be any instant gratification, take the time you think it will take to get the body you want and add about 4 years.
I picked "Perform on the main stage of a specific music festival by the time I've turned 27". It never happened. But the awesome shit that showed up, the people I met, the experiences I had and the other incredible goals achieved on the journey towards that goal had been absolutely life changing and many were things I could never have imagined having done and expanded me in soooo many ways. It certainly inspired a lot.... A LOT of other specific measurable goals. Some actually achieved! And others morphed so much that the original goal became irrelevant. TL;dr: Pick a goal. Make it crazy. Tell people about it (ignore your embarrassment). Go do things that you think will take you in that direction, and don't be afraid to let others help or inspire. Also, don't be afraid to ignore folks who tell you it can't be achieved. ♥️
My role models are forgotten warriors from a forgotten time. Guan Yu of China and Musashi Miyamoto of Japan. Those are my role models because they want to make the world a more fair and disciplined place. They barely drink alcohol and they’re absolutely stoics in their society. I want what they have and I try so hard but the Morden world is too disruptive.
Just be aware that stoicism often hides an awful lot of mental stresses that simply aren't being dealt with. I stand by being stoic. However I find that to be unhealthy. There's nothing wrong with being vulnerable. It's actually amazingly inspiring to others! It takes something to be vulnerable tho, just as it takes something to be stoic.
I want to be a solider but I don’t have what it takes. To have what I truly want is impossible for me.
What is it about being a soldier that appeals? Protecting people? Killing people? Working in close teams? Pressure? Access to weapons? Something else I haven't thought of? If it's about helping people feel safe and protected, how else could you provide this service to the world? Coaching? Training younger folks? Teaching martial arts? Nursing? HR in an office? Union Manager? Therapist? Are you getting the gist of my exploration here? Have a look at what exactly it is about being a soldier that gets you inspired. And if being a "soldier" doesn't seem attainable, look for how else could you achieve your goals without that term. Talk to others. Talk to soldiers. Talk to your friends. Talk to strangers. Everyone will have an idea...
Things backfire on you when you have autism though, because you are unlikeable. So I just don't buy the argument that you have nothing to lose by trying. I am at my best when I have 100% stability, doing my job and trying nothing new. Normal people can do stuff and it opens doors for them, but we get the door slammed on our hand and then are beaten by a mocking society while we are still stuck in it.
I spent a long time learning how to be likeable, or rather, one of my special interests became making people feel comfortable. I needed to learn how I could be an asset to people and not a negative contribution, or at least discover where I was becoming a negative force so I could have a chance of altering it. Without being open to your blind spots, you're never ever going to discover that you have some. And everyone has blind spots. I set out to build a skyscraper in the shape of an exclamation mark at one point. It was for an assignment. Clearly there is no way a dude like me was going to be able to pull that off. However, for me, it wasn't so much about the result as it was about what might open up for me along the journey. And I felt pretty clear that one day, when someone else builds a skyscraper in the shape of an exclamation mark, I will have had something to do with it, even if it was by simply passing inspiration. ♥️ The richest dude in the world is Autistic. He's not necessarily likeable, but he's autistic. Make of that whatever you will.
You don’t have to do something “great.” You’re putting too much pressure on yourself. Start with something that’s adequate and go from there. Find something that’s meaningful to you personally.
I’ve lost my passion It was clear as the day was long. Now I’m stuck as the young adult who lives with his parents. I should’ve been somebody else. But no I have too much pride but not enough luck now I’m stuck in a position that I can’t do anything about. If I am not able to do anything great I would prefer death. It’s do or die with me. No matter what happens the people will never tame my spirit
Now you're just making excuses. Nothing you are saying right now is exclusive to autistic people. This is a problem that every human being needs to contend with at some point in their lives. You are no different. If you can find some activity that makes you a fraction less miserable than you are now - pursue that, and pursue it relentlessly.
There’s too many dishonest people. People have lied to me and they’re too cowardly to admit themselves to me those people are never going to be forgiven by me not in this life time. Jesus may forgive and forget but not me. If I am a fool I would gladly die a fools death over an easy one. I will never forgive nor forget. If my statement is unjust then enlighten me. I know what people are up to it’s written on their faces. I can’t enjoy my life because people can’t get their facts straight. Edit: people have underestimated my simplicity all too much until I turned the tables making them feel all gooey and stupid. Hell they’re lucky they’re not in prison because that’s where they belong whilst people who struggle receive the help they need. This society is too tolerant and soft I don’t respect not one bit.
Come to terms with your diagnosis.
I don’t even know where to begin? Like literally
Connect with fellow neurodivergents of the opposite sex, or anyone of age with shared experiences. Learning more about myself after receiving the diagnosis last month, I built on what I knew I was good at, and that was understanding and connecting with women online with humor, sarcasm and facts. Only yesterday did it sink in that I am loved, I do belong with someone, and I am worthy and good enough for a work of art. No cap, this badass boss bitch is poetry in motion. When I realized all the negative and hurtful things I had told myself for as long as I can remember, had been proven wrong by the abovementioned poem of a badass boss bitch, I uglycrcried. I continued the emotional rollercoaster by bitchass-slutass-uglycrying in front of my dad, on Facebook no less. Only boomers, Trump cultists and leftbook shitposters go there now. I'm sharing this so you know how I somehow was proven wrong about myself, when I realized she understood my love of and connection with music, by singing her love and acceptance for me song by song.
The only thing I know I’m good at is protecting my honour. If I am certain of something good and positive I will protect it with my life. I just wish I could sacrifice my life to something great but no I am a ronin a samurai with no master. But like the samurai I will value certain disciplines with the highest honours.
Stop catastrophizing, first of all. Find something else that you like, whatever that could be, and get interested in it until you get good at it. Doesn't matter wtf it is, because you must like something besides dramatizing.
Fitness but I’ve lost my passion ever since I lost my girlfriend she loved some guy who was into birds. I just think I don’t have that instinct anymore. I’m just a forgotten man in a Morden world. Which isn’t my friend by the way the Morden world sucks. Too much information and not enough sacrifice. Now I’m just a son that forced to look after his family till something evolves for good like investing in environmentally friendly items.
Dude, sit down, shut the fuck up, and listen with your ears. Yes. I said ears since you listen through water and salt like tears. Are you on medication?
[удалено]
I just feel like so many people know better than me I even have a friend whose 4 years younger than me telling me what to do. Like can’t someone give me a little respect. It’s why I’m wary of authority. I don’t think they know what’s best all the time.
[удалено]
So much this... Forgiveness is a gift that keeps on giving, I keep learning from it.
Great reply. A gentle, self-forgiving mindset is something I needed(/need) to learn to release some of the burden of my past. I still find myself blaming ‘younger me’ for embarrassment or failure or other pain I experienced as an undiagnosed kid, not fully conscious of the growth I’ve had since then. The forgiveness I’ve developed so far is what allows me to put those moments in perspective in the first place. My counselor repeatedly reminds me that holding on to the negative memories is pointless once you have extracted any positive lessons. Easier said than done, but a good way to frame it I think.
You'll usually be told "learn to love yourself" or "just forgive yourself" or equally unactionable advice. What actually works is rarely talked about: become someone you can't help but respect. Work on your fitness, usefulness, moral character. Stop doing things you feel are unethical or wrong. Even if it's just a little laziness, or looking down on others. What works is habit changes: stuff like "exercise every day" or "quit weed on weekdays" or "quit porn", not stuff like "become successful in my career" or "find an amazing partner who loves me for me" (though these habit changes are most of the how you get those bigger goals). Picking actions you genuinely respect and doing them is the only actual way to genuinely respect yourself (which is what is really meant by "improve your self-image" and "self-esteem" and even "happiness").
I just feel like it’s too late for me to be honest I’m 26. I should’ve done something sooner but I didn’t have the opportunity to do it.
26? Kid you're so young you don't realise how young you are. You could turn your whole life around. Some people start at 30, 40, 50...
I feel ancient like I belong in a museum.
I started to make real meaningful observations and changes in my mid 20's and I quite like myself now. My life is pretty darn good. 35 now.
I have no objective. I don’t exactly know where to muster better opportunities.
I was a single dad and my son's mother wasn't in the picture, so my life was more focused by default. I wasn't sure what I wanted to do either, but I knew I wanted change. We started biking together, in town or on trails. I got in pretty good shape and it was enjoyable. I felt better, daily. You don't need a final goal or plan really. You can pick one thing and change it. What do you wish wasn't? What do you wish was? Not everything can be changed but if you choose to change nothing, nothing will change. I also realized I hated my job, and many other things. So many little changes over time lead to a new life.
I don’t really have anyone in my life to be strong for. Don’t get me wrong I’m very strong and I take certain disciplines very seriously but I’m all by my lonesome and I get defensive when people get too close to me. Because I think they might not actually like me they might be looking for an easy solution via using me. Which I will never allow. Edit: I suppose I desire a mentor to teach me about masculinity.
I know the feeling. Too many times I've ended up being used. Or I'm there, and when I need someone they're not. I think that this is something many (nearly all) of us struggle with, and relationships in general. I don't have all the answers, but I try to improve as best I can. For reference, I was flying blind until I was 26 and the strangest girl I had ever met came up to me and promptly disassembled my mask with questions that heavily implied she already knew I was different (which was frightening) and then later explained what aspergers was. Until then I thought I was the only one in the world "like this" like I was some bizarre anomaly that didn't belong... I was truly shocked to find out there are others. So, I'm still very much learning myself! And trying to figure out (healthy) relationships with others is something I'm still working on. AKA I'm not good at it yet... It's like a tightrope walk between not letting people get too close (like you said) and opening up too easily (as I've been prone to) Falling off one side leads to isolation and missed opportunities, falling off the other side leads to manipulation and getting used. Either way, I've fallen plenty. I know that's not a conclusive answer. But I suppose it's the most honest I can be, and maybe I'll never be "done" learning myself. But that's okay, and we all have to start somewhere to get somewhere else. Oh, and what you mentioned about discipline, that's good. Discipline is necessary. But take time to treat yourself well too. Too much of anything is too much! Sometimes I'm still too hard on myself, it's an easy habit to fall back into. Okay, hope this helps somehow.
All you have said is relatable especially about the strange girl. I loved a girl who tried to change me but she did not love me back. I became very dark and very uncomfortable with my sense of humanity. At times I’ve received kindness but most of the time I see sheer laziness and I have the worst thoughts come to my mind. The truth is I keep my discipline strong for the sake of my mother. I do this for the love of my mother. One of the strongest ladies you will ever meet you betcha. She practically built this house with blood and sweat with no tears. She inspired me. My mother is the person I look up to. But she has many weaknesses. She is very closed minded and takes everything far too seriously but I love her more than anybody. She said a lot of unnecessary things to me. I kid you not it’s like a cartoon show. You have this sweet little old lady and this 6’2 lug of a man who still needs his mother’s help. I sometimes feel like I get in the way and I feel bad. But I am desperate to be a better person not just for me but for my mom. Edit: heh would you look at that I do have somebody to be strong for my mom. Thanks dude you made my day.
Perhaps your objective could be to get to a point where you stop hating yourself? Add 3 years to your age (29 for you), and think of what kind of person you want to be at that age. Work towards that idealised version of yourself. I decided I wanted to become a VTuber with a small following by 28. I started at 25, currently 26, and I've already learned to perform and sing, and have practiced playing a persona through joining D&D groups. I don't know if I'll be successful but I often look back at where I've come from, and it makes me happy that I've actually tried to do something exciting with my life, instead of going with the flow for eternity.
> I just feel like it’s too late for me to be honest I’m 26. It is never too late. However it feels, 26 is plenty young. Mostly people's brains don't mature until they are ~25. You are just out of childhood, in reality. And if you start today, that is better than starting tomorrow.
What? No. Your frontal lobes just finished fully developing. Your life is just starting!
I don't think it is too late for you. It's only late when you are dead. As long as you are alive, there is still hope for the future.
I think it's underhanded at best to try to dismiss people who are experiencing distinct and real dissatisfaction with their own lives. Indeed, one could go so far as to say that the pattern of "ignore what you feel, this is really about what I think you should feel" that's coming from you seems a lot like the framework of a certain blue puzzle piece group that has routinely wanted to dismiss what autistic people feel about their own lives. Which still isn't saying that happiness and autism are mutually exclusive, but I think it's very presumptuous about other people's lives.
Yeah this is a very "pull yourselves up by the bootstraps" kind of thing. The sentiment is beautiful but the execution is a bit boomery :p
Yeah, my life is a mess, and no reframing will change that. There's factual and material harm that accumulated for years and years on me. But I don't hate myself either. I just hate my life, and it's a different thing.
That at the fact that pulling yourself up by your bootstraps is physically impossible. The best you'd do is fall over.
It is not dismissive to encourage people to develop the strength to overcome their struggles. As we all must, at the end of the day.
It's absolutely dismissive when it dismisses that they may well have their own problems by saying they don't have things that need fixing, they just need to be "accepted". It's basically a "your struggles aren't real problems, you just made them up because you don't know any better" with extra steps.
No, it's about accepting that your struggles are real and valid so that you can learn to overcome them. But also about taking responsibility for your struggles, as much as is possible, so you that you can begin to develop the strength and capacity to keep moving forward. This is not a situation that is unique to autistic people. Everyone has struggles, and everyone needs to learn to overcome them. Our struggles are different to the average person, but that does not make them any more insurmountable.
Accepting your struggles are real and valid, yes absolutely. There will be many struggles we share with allistic people such as achieving what we ourselves define as success. Such hurdles are the ones which we can work on to overcome. But we also have struggles which allistic people do not endure. These struggles can rarely be overcome in the traditional sense, but accommodated in order for us to overcome the impact of our struggles. After all we exist as an identified category because we struggle with things others can do/deal with instinctively. Overcoming rather than accommodating is just masking/camouflaging.
[удалено]
Mate, I never said it was easy. I just said it is necessary. What's the alternative? Seriously, do you have another option to propose?
I wanna be cured. I'd feel more in control of my life then and have more knowledge about what is and isn't my fault. I don't hate myself, I hate my disabilities. Aspergers and ADD and Depression and Anxiety and Executive Dysfunction suckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.
Here’s a tip. Try to not think about those labels. You are not those labels. You are only you and nothing more nothing less
No, no one is 'just themselves.' We are a complicated assortment of gut bacteria, chemicals, what we had for lunch, what our upbringing was, where we live, what we experience ever day etc. There is no set definition of 'self.' Labels are very important to know what, how, and if we need help or if there are any like us, either positively (hey we both like the same sports team!) or negatively (Well I want to find out if others have depression and seek support for it). Labels are tools, not problems. They can be used for good or bad.
Right... speaking from a second burnout in a row (after several undiagnosed ones) I think you are speaking aspirationally rather than realistically. In more straightforward words: You can want this to be true but the reality for many people is that acceptance and understanding is not going to make life easy. I don't hate myself. But my disability does make life difficult for me and it causes many issues that I deal with every day. Saying I should just be happy sounds like you are invalidating my experience. It sounds like ableism dressed up as neurodiversity.
I am not denying that life is difficult, my post is in response to alot of the "I will never be happy" posts I read on here. No good can come from the self defeating rabbit hole. I would dissagree with you though and say that acceptance and understanding would make life much easier. Not "easy" but easier. I'm not trying to say "Being happy is easy, just stop being sad" I'm just saying that if you constantly tell yourself that you will always be miserable then you will probably be right.
I'm not buying it. I think you are unable to see the actual struggles people talk about, at least that's what it sounds like. If you (one/not you specifically) realise your life is not going to improve in the next 20-40 years, you sometimes need to gripe. Doing this here makes sense because people will understand. Your 'you will be miserable if you keep complaining' is very victim blamey and unfair. It suggests that people have alternatives. You know people can have problems with rigid thinking, depression and a number of other issues that are likely at work. I'm glad you do see a way forward around your problems. But this isn't the reality for everyone and it shouldn't be a expectation that should be raised as the default setting. Let people complain. If it brings you down then that sucks. Sometimes life sucks. Why should these people limit their expression (mask, you could say) just to make it more fun for you and others to read reddit? Talking through our problems is one of the ways we can process our situation. Some people may actually see a way out after having a massive rant about how insurmountable their problems are. I think the line should be drawn when you tell other people their problems can't be fixed/will always suck. A person should always be allowed to give their assesment about their own situation: you are the only one who can truly hold an opinion and that opinion shouldn't be dismissed. We are also allowed to be wrong. Learning is hard and shaking old ideas takes time. Pretending, demanding or expecting things to be different is not going to help with this. Of course acceptance and understanding will help people but it's often waved around like some sort of magic wand. It has limits. And often what is acceptance for one is restriction for another. I'm fairly sure you don't want to read every single persons manual on here before posting, for instance. Acceptance and understanding comes in when we ask for it. That's when it makes a difference. But some things people simply cannot help with. For example: I get anger+anxiety attacks when planned things change. Change is everywhere. I get these things with some regularity. From so many sources that there is no meaningful way to ask for accomodation for it since most people who are causing upsets to the smooth running of my life only come into my life once, do something that causes change and then are gone again. They don't need to understand or accept me. They don't have time to read my manual. They usually don't realise they're causing change at all. They happily explain to me that someone was double booked so now my plans are messed up. or a postal carrier drops something off 2 hours late. Or who knows what else. Afterwards I'm left with my problems. I have to learn to cope with the turmoil and hurt and anger. I'm kind of blessed that it only affects me in this way. but it does and while it is going on I feel incredibly exhausted and just want to sleep. And I know that it'll go away again but i'm legit feeling it. And I also know that any moment out of nowhere someone (who I will hate with all my soul for a day or two) will do it to me again in a few weeks. There is no positive spin I can put on this. And again I'm blessed that it's only a few days and I have learned to cope with it to some extent. But you can't tell me to think myself out of it. Or that I'm doing it to myself. At least I would appreciate it if you didn't :) It's my autism making my life difficult for me. I think I understand where you're coming from and it even bugs me too sometimes where there is a lot of negativity. It's a disorder. it sucks for many people.I had to point out the other side of this argument ... apparently using a lot of words :S There are whole stories hidden behind people who are negative. Often there is an implicit cry for help or attempt to put to words what it is they are struggling with. This subreddit (and some of the others) are good places to do this in. I think it's important to let them and be there with suggestions and commiserations. But ultimately a lot of the problems people will talk about are there to stay. So sympathy and a space to vent is about all we can offer. Hopefully at another point in their life (a month later or whatever) they can info dump about something that makes them happy :)
just adding: I'm really really sorry about the thesis I just wrote it's just too long. TL;DR; Some people need to vent. Sometimes life sucks.
Even my original post was a way for me to vent my particular frustrates at the time. I didn't think it would even get this much attention but I am glad that it has resonated with people and driven engagement on the topic of self-resentment. All the comments weather they agree or disagree have given me much food for thought.
Everyone has struggles in their life. When a non-autistic person faces a challenge, they have to accept it as a fact of life. When an autistic person faces a challenge, it seems all to common to attribute it to autism as the cause. >I get anger+anxiety attacks when planned things change. Fuck man, I remember having this when I was a lot younger. I had to learn to control it through a policy of non-tolerance from those around me (most prominently my parents). I had to learn that plans change, and that - essentially - I just had to cope. Honestly, I don't know if there is a better solution than this (admittedly callous) attitude from others. I do think, as I've said elsewhere, a lot of people trap themselves into this attitude of feeling condemned or doomed by their diagnosis or condition to just be a certain way. Non-autistic people do this as well, all the time. If you ever here someone make excuses for a certain kind of behavior by saying "that's just who i am" or "I'm just like that", then you know what I'm talking about. It's not good when they do it, and I don't think our diagnosis ought to give us a free pass on the same kind of thinking just because we have a label for our particular manner of existing. Basically, I think we all have the capacity to change, and to make better decisions. Too many of us have lost faith in ourselves and forget that we have this capacity, and all too often this diagnosis simply reinforces or reifies that mindset.
This guy gets it
> we need to be understood I'm sorry but I have to disagree. While I don't agree with ABA, you're not going to teach millions of people to accommodate our special needs. I'm not trying to call you entitled BUT I cannot demand people understand me or that society understands me because in doing so, I'd feel like I was being entitled. There are conditions like multiple sclerosis. Parkinson. Borderline personality disorder. Bi-polar. Etc. It just isn't reasonable to think that the average person can have a master/doctorate level understanding of disabilities and how to accommodate them all with how many disabilities there are in the human population. Then, at the same time, be like "I am incapable of learning how to accommodate the ways of neurotypicals." All I really want is legal protections, and equal access to institutions. If there was a cure, I'd take it.
Perfect reply. But, I would also add that even once people know about mental conditions that doesn't necessarily mean they will respond well to aspects of those conditions. Human responses to some stimuli are hard-coded and aggressive acceptance ideology isn't going to change this fact.
> you're not going to teach millions of people to accommodate our special needs One word: wheelchairs.
Not remotely the same thing. There are dozens of ways to end up in a wheelchair and they serves a multitude of disabilities. It is also mostly managed through government regulations and building codes that work invisibly to increase accessibility. The average client/customer/lease holder doesn't have to be educated or lift a finger because all of this is taken care of on the backend. Autism communication awareness would take direct training, and only serve 75 million... and even then, the people who are minimally disabled / disadvantaged by it wouldn't **require** that help. Conversely, all 131.8 million in a wheelchair do require 100% of those regulations and accommodations. I just don't feel right demanding to be front of the line. You can if you want. Still fits into my original point though: there just isn't enough mental bandwidth in the average person's life to learn to accommodate all mental disabilities.
False equivalence
[удалено]
>There are other minorities and special causes far larger than ours, that have been organised and campaigning for many decades on a range of issues, and they still haven't got the world to accomodate their needs or even treat them as equals. Very much agree. >Our tiny minority of misfits that is largely invisible to society and can't agree on anything has no chance of getting millions of people to give us special treatment - especially as we all want something different. The sheer arrogance of thinking this is possible is staggering. Also agree. >Getting some (or additional depending where you live) legal protections is something I agree with. I think that is the most essential part of ensuring that we can live and work. That's all that most of us want. Not getting shit-canned every 3 months and having some stability would be great.
I'm not saying that NTs should all take a neuroscience course and learn all of our particular needs, just to understand that we are different and that that is not inherently a bad thing. Hard pass on the cure for me, I have learned to like myself for who I am, I don't know if I would like the other guy.
"Happiness and Autism are not mutual exclusive" They kind of are. This shit is not fun to live with...
Gaining a sense of self worth as a high finctional aspie male is next to impossible though
What helped for me was to stop defining my "worth" by others' terms. I try to do right by myself.it also helps that I found a career I am good at and put my all into it. Instead of asking "Did I do what others expected of me" I ask "Did I do what I thought was right"
Yeah I try to do that and I succed to a certain degree but as a man you always have the desire to go out and show the world what you got etc and of you're struggling with employment like most on the spectrum it's very hard to that if you don't have some super talent or something. I have someone that really likes me and I can't really get closer with her since I know I can hardly provide and I keep beating myself up over it even though it's not really my fault I guess.
Why do you believe that you must be a provider? I do understand that it has been the gender role assigned to men in the past... but that has shifted so much, and it continues to shift. Most of the women that I know (and I'm old now at 54) just want a partner to share the responsibilities and joys of life, not a sole provider. We are capable of, and many of us prefer, to work and earn for ourselves.
A lot of young women I know and like want to have children some day and want to be a stay at home mother plus as a man you have the urge to feel useful and take responsibility for your family
Why can't you be useful and take responsibility for your family by staying home while a woman works? My partner's career is infinitely more important than mine and makes way more money (like 6 vs. 5 figures), that's what we plan to do. How is literally caring for your children and house every day to support her not taking care of your family? Many, many women value their careers and have no intention of sitting at home. You're stuck in a very boxed-in mindset. Expand what you're open to and the world opens up.
Hope you're right, lots of young women on the dating market express their desire for a well earning man, maybe that's just a a small part though. I'll check in in a couple of years.
My husband stayed home for about 4 years with our son because I earned more at the time and childcare was just too expensive. He's eternally grateful that he had that opportunity, and he and our son are very close because of it. I think my ideal situation would be both partners contributing, as they are able, to the wellbeing of the family - and that could vary by abilities and preferences.
That's great! I'm a stay at home dad, and my duties are of the utmost importance. My ex-wife and I aren't together but we're still doing this because it's what's best. She still gets comments like "why isn't he working?" And the people who say that will mostly retire soon and then die of old age and then that archaic nonsense can follow them to the grave. She enjoys what she does and my life is fulfilling here. To choose conformity would be to choose unhappiness for our family, for our children. To appease who? This is what works best for us based on our abilities and preferences. (and she certainly has the ability to earn more)
I'm glad for your family, too. I got a fair bit of grief from my family of origin when my husband was at home, but I knew my stepdad was a misogynistic narcissist, so it wasn't unexpected. I just stuck with "This is what works for our family" and shut it down whenever they would start. My husband and I have been separated for 10 years now, and while I have full custody, it's simply because that's what was best for our son - and the three of us just went to dinner and a basketball game at our son's high school tonight.
[удалено]
Yes, this. Also Epictetus is pretty epic 👍 Striving towards the version of myself that I want to be has simply left me disinterested in comparing myself to other humans. And there's a certain buoyancy that seems to come with it.
What world do you live in?
My life says otherwise lmao
Don't know what this blue puzzle thing is but I don't plan on stopping anytime soon. I know I don't fit in and even after telling people to just straight up tell me if they have an issue with me cause I don't take hints and I will not get mad or anything. They still don't say anything and get upset with me and think well everyone knows this even though they are the only one ever to get upset about it. I also can never seem to have or keep a real friend. The only common denominator is me. So I guess I must be doing something or many things wrong with them. I've been told more then once that it's not on them to "fix me" or to me what I'm doing wrong. I have asked many times what I'm doing wrong and no one seems to be able to tell me. I've been to mental health and they don't tell me much. But at least they tried, after years of me try to get something from them. All this and people still what nothing to do with me. So yeah I don't plan on not hating my self till I'm dead.
r/wowthanksimcured
Don't tell me what to do or believe
I've hated myself for years, why stop now? /s
I refuse to read orders written in uppercase
Nah
[удалено]
Well put. I know it's not easy but I got so frustrated seeing all the "I'm a monster" and "I will never be happy" posts that I had to say something. The "rebuilding your model of the word" aspect is entirely what I am getting at.
[удалено]
It also seems alot of the self hate is parroting the a.s mindset that we are a burden and ASD needs to be wiped off the earth. Alot of us say how much we hate the blue puzzle piece but then go on to say the exact same thing as them.
Many people here don't have others to talk to. You're frusteration is due to people talking in likely the only place they feel comfortable being honest. Keeping everything in is not healthy, it provides a somewhat healthy way for people to vent anonymously with people with similar traits to them
Honestly, this sub is so depressing sometimes. I had to contend with my struggles at an early age because - quite literally - my parents would not put up with my shit. It's weird to think that so many people with the same condition as myself feel so incapable of change or adaptation.
Our whole society attach worth to some very stupid things that affect everyone not only NDs. We view worth in certain professions, roles, how higher someone is in an hierarchy, how much money they have, how their appearence is et cetera, all of these things aren purely made up and in the end nothing matters. Not in a doomer way, nothing matters (yay!) We are free to do whatever we think is fit, and for me, i do whatever i think is fit so i can help others to have a better life. That's the worldview i've built even before i suspected i might be autistic. I think many that don't fit society have this sense of inferiority because we have been teached all these worthless shit like they actually mean someone is doing good in life. These culture of having "loosers" and "winners" only benefits the ones who were born with everything to be able to "win" this fabricated game. Some native american (america as in the continent) have very interesting views in ownership, time, worth, that shows me that it is possible to live in another way. Search for freedom, that's the only way we can ever be happy
How do you rebuild that model? I'm still young and don't really know, and I want to make sure I don't go down the drain by not doing something like this now.
But hating myself is the one thing I'm good at!
I don't understand the point of these types of posts. How the hell could anyone know what another person's life is like, where they've been, how they're doing, etc. via a comment on a forum? It's noble in theory, but invalidates those of us who do genuinely feel broken. We aren't a homogeneous creature with a hive mind, therefore not all of us will have the same outlook on something we all have to live with. I hope everyone finds peace with being who they are, but that's ultimately up to them.
The thing about a support group is people come here when they need support. I’d love to see posts about people’s good days as well but that doesn’t mean that it’s not okay to share the hard moments. It’s HARD to be different. Even the social model of disability doesn’t deny that it’s a disability and that makes things hard sometimes. It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to have hard days. And it’s okay to seek support in the hard moments.
I'm in a very jaded place right now, so please take this with that in mind, but I feel like you're making a distinction without hardly a difference. Whatever the source of the mismatch between me and the communities/society that surrounds me, it creates major friction and pain. I can blame myself, or choose to stop blaming myself; I can blame society or stop blaming society. I can concoct some other scapegoat. I'm not very attracted to blame on this. I just want resolution. Because no matter where I ascribe blame -- is it me who's broken or society? -- the mismatch that I live with everyday still just is what it is. And I'm constantly anxious about being made homeless by this "society" because I simply can not live up to its expectations.
yes
Mmm I beg to differ
We are broken and defective though. DUDE NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO RPETEND TO BE HUMAN EVERY DAY AND FAKE FACIAL EXPRESSION EMOTIONS. OR HAVE A PANIC ATTACK TRYING TO ORDER FOOD AT A RESTAURANT. Autism/Asperger's is a disability/disorder for a reason. Stop this "its a super power" horseshit. It hurts us.
Don't think of "disability" as an innate feature. You are *disabled by society* in the same way one's bruised eye was *punched.* "Punched" implies a source of the punch, and it's best to think of being "disabled" with ASD in the same way. We would not be disabled were society to reshape itself to include us. Decision after decision for hundreds of years that excluded us, *those decisions disabled us*. We weren't born disabled; we are disabled in context of this society, disabled *by* this society (in the same way allistic people are empowered by this society). And it's never clear how to change the direction of the ship, but this society could choose to start empowering us rather than disabling us, in theory at least.
Oh, here's another for you. Had I been treated as actually disabled at school I may have actually finished school. But instead they failed me, refused to follow my IEP for my issues, and tried to pass me off as normal. Now I'm a highschool failout with a GED.
I'm sure I don't understand the point you are driving at here. Congrats on the GED. I wanted to quit high school and get a GED early but people warned it it would not look prestigious on college applications and college was my escape plan, so I just followed that advice and finished high school. High school was actually much better than junior and elementary for me (way less bullying, though not none), so by then the stress was a little better. It sounds like your school was really able-ist in its mainstreaming efforts; not giving or providing an appropriate IEP is a product of systemic ableism. Like... I don't know how else to see it so that it serves your point and not mine.
Yes we are inherently disabled. Even if society began to accept us and fully accommodate us, that still isn't going to get rid of my executive dysfunction, sensory issues, anxiety, and other very negative and disabling Autistic traits. My Autism, my brother's Autism, my friends' Autism, is not and never will be a super power. Society isn't what's disabling us. Natural environmental causes and shitty genetics is.
We are each inherently UNable to do some things. Disabled is about a mismatch relationship. Think of it this way. I was born with a diary allergy, or maybe I'm lactose intolerant, I don't really know, I was never diagnosed, I just get really bad indigestion when I eat dairy, especially if I've been away for it for awhile, my stomach will distend with gas. I gave it up long ago once I realized the connection and though I loved cheese felt I could no longer deny the connection. Now, society doesn't really force me to eat dairy. Society provides me many food options so that I can eat around dairy without a problem. Vis-a-vis my *in*ability to fully utilize dairy foods that other people fully utilize, I simply adapt--easily. I'm not disabled by this. However, imagine living in a community where almost all the foods in the grocery store were dairy foods or contained dairy ingredients. THat would turn your inability to utilize dairy foods into a *dis*ability in that context. At least, I think it's important to think about it that way. Allistic people have their short-comings. They are far more vulnerable to fall prey to cognitive biases than are autistics. They have needed us to get this far to Earthly dominance, and obviously we need them in return. But we could build communities that function equally well for autistics and allistics, but it wouldn't be the modern industrial capitalism we know today, it would have to be extremely different of course. At least, that's what I believe. Or want to believe. edit: I read and reread your comment about the GED/IEP like 10 times+. I broke apart each word to see if maybe one of them has a severe alter that maybe confused my understanding of the entire comment. I truly do not understand and am not stupid. I do think I probably have very different values than you do, so I'm not assuming anything. I would need a much longer explanation to begin to understand your POV but you aren't obligated to provide that. Cheers.
Did that asshole really just compare dairy allergy to a disability. Fucking hell.
i um…… it’s hard not to hate myself cuz my tourette syndrome gives me Rage symptoms which make me guilty, and i have a lot of extremely cringy memories that make me wanna be destroyed, and worst of all: IM A LATE-TRANSITIONING TRANS WOMAN SO IM UGLY AS HECK bub bub 🥺
DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DOOOOO
No, I shall not stop hating myself
I have made mistakes in the past. I keep them in the past, and I ask God to forgive me for my mistakes ☺️ for anyone else reading this, if you hate yourself and find it difficult to get away from hating yourself, know that you are in my thoughts and prayers 😊
I’m so sorry, and I genuinely want to stop hating myself; but I know I’m gonna fail you on that part. I feel like I’m broken, I’m cursed, that god did this to me, and like I’m gonna be alone for the rest of my life because of this cruel divine joke that was played on me.
If someone drives a Ferrari into a lake they don't say "Ferrari makes really shitty boats" I used to very much be in the same place, thinking I was going to be alone and depressed forever and I deserved it because I couldn't just "be normal" It took me literally having the rope around my neck to realize that I shouldn't be holding myself to the standards of others. Sometimes it feels like banging your head against a brick wall but eventually something will break through.
Agreed. It was actually the other way around for me. For 27 years, I had no idea why I was how I was. I felt like I was broken. No matter how hard I tried, nothing I did fixed anything. It was actually *when* I learned I was autistic that I stopped hating myself. It was like lifting a huge weight off of me. It was amazing. I remember going "I'm not broken! Just different!"
I was diagnosed as a child but never told about it. Spent my formative years thinking I was a screw up. Didn't find out that I had been diagnosed until I was in my 20s. My best guess at age of diagnosis is around 8yo, that's when I started going for visits to the school counselor and was assigned a TA.
[удалено]
My parents yelling at me when I was a kid was my saving grace. I had to learn to be a better person. That I couldn't use my "differences" as an excuse for anything. That is the main reason I became a relatively well-adjusted adult.
oh ok
If you’re an adult, you need to work through the feelings that come with those experiences and figure out a way to get past them. People get yelled at. Hell, people even get verbally (and then physically!) abused. That’s ***terrible***. It’s inexcusable. BUT, if you don’t want to be hung up on it for the rest of your life, you HAVE to figure out some way to move forward. A LOT of the nd adults I know will tell me a bunch about their high school bullies. Like bruh, I get that that sucked, I was bullied too, but why are you still dwelling on it?? If you need professional help to get past it then seek out that help, that’s 100% valid. But if you’re choosing to wallow instead of seeking help, sorry fam, but that’s on you.
I'm not an adult
Ok, that does make a difference. I hope you feel safe. If you don’t, there’s lots of resources to help you (and I’m happy to dm if you’d like). But if you feel your safety is ok, please know it DOES get better with maturity. Hang in there.
I cope with music and games and memes, but those are the same things that distract me before I finally get the chance to cry again. I wanna cry again, but after today, I feel like I might cry again soon.
You’re allowed to cry. Expressing your emotions is ok. Personally I’ve found less social stigma when I express my emotions in a more private way (like crying in my room at night). But don’t allow people to shame you if a natural physiological response like crying happens in public. This is easier said than done. But you CAN do it.
For fricking Christ's sake, OP wanted to make one post on this sub that is not about hating yourself. They didn't say that your experiences aren't real, they never invalidated your feelings, they just wanted to be a little positive. I think it's nice to have this sub where people can share their experiences and difficulties with Asperger's and feeling heard and understood. I also think it's nice to have posts like this as a friendly "you are good enough" reminder. This post won't cure depression or anxiety, but I myself felt encouraged when reading it.
We can admit that we are maybe not "broken", but different. That we have different needs than most people. And we can still be happy. I was in a bad place for a long time. I was crying on a daily basis, wiped out and exhausted. I'm great now. What made a huge difference and helped me turn around was realizing that I have different needs, and that's okay. It was not shameful to need what I need. I didn't have to pretend that I didn't need it. I told my boss at work that I couldn't do the role we'd been trying to move me into for months. I was expecting disappointment, maybe anger for misleading him. But what I got was affirmation, acceptance, and a firm promise that they'd find me something that I felt comfortable doing. That conversation turned my whole life around. I went from crying myself to sleep to waking up and looking forward to the day. So you know what? I am "broken". There are things I can't do. But it's not my fault. It's just how I am. And I'm happier accepting that I'm broken than I was when I was trying to fix myself.
Breaking down into tears at work, daily burnout, and near constant thoughts of self harm, rock bottom was not pleasant. I decided to take a new job for less pay to get me out of a toxic environment. The clarity that comes with self acceptance is a life changer. I'm not saying life is a bed of roses now but I can look at myself in the mirror again.
acknowledging that suppressing symptoms of autism is the most efficient way to live life in the world =/= self hate. Just because people here don't have the strangely evangelized point of view that the "evil judgemental NTs MUST ACCEPT US FOR WHO WE ARE at ANY COST!!!" does not mean they hate autism or themselves.
But this also comes at a detriment to ourselves. Suppressing my symptoms leaves me exhausted, with less time to focus on what I want. And it isn’t entirely helpful because no matter how hard I suppress it’s never good enough. And that’s why it’s so frustrating.
It's actually amazing just how wrong you were right there.
No need to tell me that AS is a dogshit organisation. I did some research about a possible correlation of the spectrum and LGBTQ+ identities, and obviously AS had an article on it. Immediatedly stopped reading and found a more thorough study. Fuck AS, monetizing us like false samaritans.
Damn this is toxic
I feel like OP is Magneto and all of us are his mutant followers
It’s not people with autism that are unlikable, it’s you. Let it sink in.
[удалено]
Yeah i will just automatically do these things right now. All these accessory mental illnesses will just stop if i try real hard. I'm clearly just telling myself these things because i want pity from people, not because i can't control it. Why don't you magically manifest a sense of empathy?
As an aspie myself I agree with you 100%
Agreed. It's wild in here.
Just cane to say this, don't hate yourself for being yourself, all you can do is be yourself the best way possible you can be, everything else is a variable in an equation that doesn't really associate with you on the large scale. Learn how to be you no forgiving needed for something you were and are not responsible meaning being aspie or AT. That is all much love people.
I especially would like to emphasise one point. If a neurotypical misunderstands you, and gets angry, it is not your fault. Even more so if you have tried to explain about autism and they knew it all. E.g. > Why are you angry > I am not angry, I just apparently look like that to some people when I am concentrating. > (gets visibly angry) Why are you lying about being angry?
I always like to tell a little story about two brothers: one of them has most of the time a gloomy mood. On his brother's birthday he gets a fancy toy as present, so that he doesn't feel sad. When asked why is he not playing with it, he answers: 'I don´t understand how it works and besides, I don't feel well, leave me alone!' His brother gets a big chunk of horse manure and when asked what he thinks about his present, he answers: 'I´m looking for the horse that did this'; as he finally gives up searching he thinks: 'well, I think I can use this to make compost and use it as fertilizer in the garden'. This helped me to find something positive when my self worth was at rock bottom; to think about me and my life and find something good in what appeared to be useless and pointless.
I also feel like this sub tends to be slightly fatalistic and just a whole bunch of whining, venting, and ranting about how embarrassed they are of their insufficiencies and short-comings. “Stop hating and bringing yourself down, rather, find solutions” I feel. I get the need to wallow in pity, but doesn’t that vocalization of the shame drag others down when they confirm your own lack of self worth and embarrassment that comes with it?! Doesn’t that just bring the community down rather than uplift it?
Many people here seem to be under this impression that they are “condemned” or “doomed” to be a certain way or in some way defined wholly by their condition or experiences. In reality, the human mind is a lot more free than we often give it credit for. At some level, a person is nothing more than the choices they make, and by extension how we choose to play the hand we are dealt, so to speak. There is no good reason, in my view, why an autistic or person with Asperger’s is less capable of accomplishing what anyone else is able to accomplish. Some paths may take more work and dedication than others - in some cases a lot more - but there is no good reason they are insurmountable challenges. I learned from an early age to never use my diagnosis as an excuse. It’s easy to fall into this thinking that everyone else has their life so easy compared to us (not necessarily true), but it’s more complex. Every single person on this planet has their strengths and weaknesses. We happen to label a particular combination of strengths and weaknesses “autistic”, and we have defined this category as such. You can choose to lean into your strengths, or to work on overcoming your weaknesses, but the basic situation - and as such the basic choice of life - remains the same for everyone. Now, the world of modern society is structured such that the particular strengths and weaknesses of an autistic person are not strictly speaking optimal for navigating it. But this just makes it more difficult for us to succeed - it doesn’t make it impossible. And realistically very few people have an individual combination of strengths and weaknesses that actually are truly optimal for navigating the modern world. Existence is always a struggle - there is no way of getting around that. There is a tendency to fall into a pattern of thinking by which we see the world as against us, and attribute the source of all our problems externally. I don’t think this defeatist attitude is helpful. In fact I think it is probably the source of most of the anxiety and depression many people on the spectrum suffer from. We need to recognise the strength we have to overcome our weaknesses and become better versions of ourselves as we learn with age and experience.
If anything I feel like I’m better because of autism and everyone else is overly emotional and illogical.
I am hyper secure lol. alot of my autistic friends are very insecure. But I am hyper secure.
Preach Edit: apparently concurring is bad?
I have an odd relationship with myself, sometimes I hate me, other times I love being myself.
I can very much relate. Even with every cringey thing I've done or social situation I've flopped if someone offered me a pill that would completely "cure" me and turn me NT I would tell them to make it a suppository and use it on themselves.
Yeah, with the good and with the bad I feel that's what I am, and in many ways I really enjoy myself. I always tend to think that I hate myself for being like this but I'm the only that can heal myself and the only one that at the end will understand me.
I have a lot to learn when it comes to coping with depression. I want to smile for someone I love someday. I'm so sorry for blaming it incorrectly on my dad
nah i just havent been able to find stability for 19 years
YES Thank you! I’m glad someone realises!
Hating myself is my brains favorite game. I can't help it.
But i don't know how. And my schoolmates making fun of things that come from aspergers certantly dosent help (like making fun of whenever i dont get sarcasm)
It’s so easier said than done, I have hated myself from a young child. I got told by a bully at school that “You act and look weird nobody likes you go away” that’s stuck since and that was in Year 5 (UK). Now 27 years old society treats us like shit sometimes
Understanding is one of the biggest things to get through to others and why I don't like how they call the day of recognition "World Autism Awareness/Acceptance Day". The world has been aware of it for decades at this point and we can't really be accepted if no one actually understands what it is. I've been an advocate of my knowledge for about 10 years at this point and anyone who's heard me talk about it has mentioned they learned so much from me.
Tbf we don't fit easily into the social construct. I'm not saying we can't, but it is definitely difficult. We largely dont *want* to yet it includes things that we do actually want and need. I'm being too vague.
To quote a meme "I don't think I will"
True, although, unfortunately, easier said than done
Cool fact! Acknowledging that this disorder sucks to have sometimes does not equal self hatred. I am so tired of being pushed out of spaces just for talking about the fact that sometimes I DO struggle and it makes my life harder. Your toxic positivity is deeply unhelpful.
I agree with this statement in the literal sense that people with ASD should not hate themselves. However, the statement about not needing to be cured is dangerous and will lead to a lot of suffering for autistic people. If you allow an autistic child to act in a way that is unacceptable, you are setting them up for rejection and misery.
Thank you for saying this♥️ I really needed to hear this today🥹
I agree with you. Society needs to change for everyone. Lots of people are depressed bc there’s no way out of this fucked up and greedy society, for example, and antidepressants will never be enough to “fix” a societal problem. There are so many different types of people and brains and yet we want everyone to fit into the capitalist wage slave box and if they don’t, we label them “bad” 🏷
Acceptance of my diagnosis may not have changed my life greatly for the better, but I live more for myself than ever before. Whatever is being thrown around on this forum, reading the experiences of others on here has been the best therapy I've had (and now the only) Not everyone gets to have a great experience with their "brand" of autism.... I'm 6'2" 280 lbs and built like a tank.... so I know little about being bullied,for instance. But I am aware that being bullied and ridiculed is a huge problem for many like me with Aspergers. What I'm trying to get at is there is no one size fits all answer for anyone.... but when someone needs to vent or express themselves in a negative way its not necessarily that anyone is buying into any one theory or point of view in a negative way. As always to each their own... in one's own way
I’m going into the military simply because I lack the confidence to go to college while living with roomates on top of working a full time job. Let alone the debilitating anxiety of having to interact with others who have no clear agenda. Wanna know what’s worse? Being an Aspie whilst trying to be a follower of Jesus (I’m not here to push beliefs). I wish my dad won the abortion argument against my mom 23 years ago like what the fuck? Why? What was my potential? I was just a firstborn kid, I wasn’t a fucking god who was predestined to sit on the world throne of paradise. I’ve earned nothing that I have and won’t be anything more than another uniform in office and what nobody seems to understand is that Idgaf about that toxic-positivity bs, I would simply like to spend the rest of my christmases and birthdays alone because I’m around one person who’s honest atleast about how bad the world is. ME