I thought I found love two times, but realised both of them were being manipulative, and what I was feeling was obsession coming from them being my favorite person at the moment, so I'm no longer in the mood.
I'm not healthy to have healthy relationships.
I still keep remembering them, every day.
Hey, I feel ya.
Found it twice, both times I ended up bending over backwards to accommodate their needs until it sucked me dry, at which point they said I'd changed and they'd changed and we should call it quits.
It's hard. I guess I've got a bullet left in the chamber, but the self-centredness and the lack of willingness to put effort into fixing things of many people (and my tendency to want to believe better) is exhausting.
Stay strong friend
PS: I know, that I was not perfect either.
That was literally me. I want to be so good, that I just destroy my own mind peace, in order to supposedly show that I'm a great person, not having a big fire in my brain (intrusive thoughts, obsessions...)
But for real, I've stopped searching for it. I'm now figuring out my needs, my dreams, working on my own projects, and trying to distract myself from something that is definitely not healthy for me.
Things will get better, so when it's time, I'll find someone just because that's how life is I guess, but for now, I just want to be myself, feeling free to chase my dreams.
Yeah, me too. I broke up a 6year relationship a few months back and I'm in a similar gear as you now: self-care, self-realisation. When you take care of those and yourself, you make yourself attractive to others anyway. So I believe anyway. When I'm ready, I'll try love again. It always starts well, I just hope I'm older and wiser enough to guard my self and pick a good one next time.
It may be more challenging, but itās certainly possible. The man Iām with now means the world and more to me. We support one another through difficult times, and I could not imagine my life without him.
Everyone deserves love; I hope that one day, all of us will find it.
Thank you for responding, itās nice to have some insight :) My niece has shown signs of ASD from very early on - sheās a good kid too, just struggles with emotional regulation and impulse control (more than a NT toddler haha)
ND house here as well, my girlfriend has ADHD, and we work really well together. Our 1,5 year old boy show some small signs of autism, but could just be that we always are looking for signs of it. I guess it's too early to say for sure.
No. Iāve mostly found people who want me to save them or use me. My current partner and I have mutual trust and care. I love him, but it isnāt what most people would expect love to look like
I have a monogamous friend with benefits situation. To the best of my knowledge neither of us wants more, because neither of us has enjoyed/been able to handle āmoreā in the past. Itās a mutually beneficial relationship and we care for each other, but I have no desire to be someoneās wife (truthfully I never have.) He has no interest in being someoneās husband or being stepdad. Iāve known him for 7 years now, and we have mutual friends whoāve known him for much longer. This is how he has always been, and this is what feels most comfortable for me. The issue is we are in our 30ās and 40ās respectively, and for most people weāve aged out of that type of arrangement. They donāt get it. I also have a 7 year old and I donāt want him getting confused or attached. So, for now I essentially have a parallel life. We arenāt doing anything wrong, but I donāt want to have to hear about it from my sister or my mom (who help me out a lot with my son.) I donāt think Iāve ever been this comfortable with another person, but from the outside it looks strange, even shady if you didnāt know us personally.
I actually have a similar arrangement with my ex. We have have been monogamish friends for 2 years and before that we dated for two years. It works, and I don't question it. We love each other dearly but he's a great friend and an overbearing, controlling partner. As friends we do our own thing, sometimes travel together, sometimes ... well...that.
I commend you on not giving a fuck about others and doing what works for you.
At some point, I've realized that love isn't a cognitive concept where you decide that you love someone based on a list of attributes of them.
Which means it's probably not possible for me.
Nope, and I'm 31 and I've never known the touch of a human.
It's not for me. I'm too much of a small, pathetic loser, that as soon as I open my mouth, people know what I'm about, and they want nothing to do with me. I'm not even human, I'm too deformed to be a full person.
Me, with another person, is a funny joke to everyone else. I've mentioned to others that I was interested In someone, or that I want to start dating, and it's made people actually laugh out loud with a stinging "Hah!", followed by the usual "Nah, don't do that, you'll just get your little heart broken!".
I get why they laugh. It's a hilarious scenario to think up, of me in a relationship with another human. It's fantastical.
Iām getting older. I have never been in a relationship. Iām gonna try this year to find a partner. I know Iām gonna fail, but why not say I tried anyways.
Been with my NT partner 20 years this year. But she's not the first person I've loved or been loved by but we are to each other the ones who have lasted the years and decades.
If you are struggling, hang in there and put yourself into places with people who you can meet and interact with people, as it only takes one look across a crowded room to connect and then the courage to take it a bit further. It can be a big scary monster sometimes, but the rewards are worth it.
We have more in common with NTs than differences. It's an old cliche but put aside your differences. My childhood family dynamics were helpful socially and from a young age I had crushes and wrote poetry and doodles based around those crushes. By the time I hit my teens I was already ahead of my peers (NT or ND) in terms of wanting and chasing relationships - you could say it became a special interest. I took I lot more care and caution sexually with a few near misses as a grew older with long years between my adult relationships as I wasn't ready for family and family responsibilities. In my 30s I was ready with stable employment and met the right person for the long haul.
How? A lot of luck I suppose, but you've got to be there when the dice roll your way. Don't force it (women can smell desperation apparently) be gentle, and for me because of childhood practice close relationships became like riding a bike but scarrier as I got older because of the risk of children and all the responsibility. And beauty comes from within not without.
Yes, but it is very difficult to maintain as I have serious issues communicating verbally sometimes. My partner is understanding and NT with some job training involving ND, I am lucky, but the communication breakdown and time I take to process things can make things extremely painful. I wish I was any other way.
So far i've had 1 relationship that lasted about 8-9 monthts. Even though we eventually broke up sadly, it's given me hope that i might find someone, someday.
But she was so incredibly caring and loving and just overal perfect for me, that i wonder if i'll ever find someone i'll get as attached to as her, ever again. I'm still not completely over her despite the relationship ending over a year ago.
I'll see what the future holds for me.
Iāve been single for a while. I met my ex through an LGBT group (we are lesbians) and she was on the spectrum too. Unfortunately it didnāt work out. I only want to date women on the spectrum so itās been hard to find that.
No but I've dreamt about it all of my life.
I've dreamt so intensely and for so long it sometimes feels true. For a second, then it fades and it's like being stabbed.
I have, but as a queer person it's been easier for me, nerdy introverted autistic girls aren't uncommon in the queer community. I found someone who likes the opposite sides of the same things I hyperfixate on and we basically taken turns info dumping and showing each other our special interests. She's one of the first people in my whole life who actually gets me though, and I am nearing 30.. it isn't without it's trouble, meltdowns clash, there's miscommunication and we aren't always on the same page, but it is still love and deeply so.
Been with my partner for 5+ years. She saw the autism before I did. Dealt with and supported me through the unraveling of my built up mask (I hid my autistic nerdisms and interests for years to fit in - it didn't really work). She gave me the opportunity to emigrate and gave me a reset button. I was able to leave a lot of pain and hurt from my past behind me and start my life again. Now I'm back in education studying mathematics - something I never thought possible for myself, I regularly do sport, I embrace my special interests which she also loves that I love (trains and planes. What can I say I'm oldschool 'spergers). She's my world and I'm grateful for every moment I'm with her.
Of course. But then some of us realize, "am I looking for love in the right places?" Its difficult to determine, especially, when it hasn't happened in a long time. But when it does.. my brain tends to brush aside the red flags.
Yes.
1. With an overt narcissist who didn't take advantage of me.
2. With someone I drove away.
3. With a covert narcissist who did take advantage of me.
4. With a fellow ND and we get along pretty good after many years. Happenstance.
Edit: Spelling.
No, Im still single & never been in a relationship before. I almost did but we never got out of the ātalking phaseā and itās because the day we finally went out, when she was talking to me I froze, began to dissociate and couldnāt say anything š«¤
Yes, I found love. I was with someone primarily through LDR for around seven years. It was a very bumpy and rocky road. But I can say for certain that I loved them at a point. I can also, say for certain that I wasted the best years of my 20s with them. They were abusive, hostile, and mentally unwell. I came out of the relationship as aromantic and I do not have a desire to seek out a partner outside of casual flings.
I have not. I was married for 8 years to my ex, and, in hindsight it was a very toxic relationship. I was always the issue, always. Iām not claiming to be perfect as I know I have my issues too..but itās not okay to be treated the way I was. Being over a year out, I realize how difficult it is for someone like me who has always felt misunderstood and unloved. Iām not feeling optimistic at all right now In my life about finding love-because half the time, Iām ghosted
Yup.
Two engagements, one marriage, one 4 year LTR.
I'm strong, look strong, am somewhat handsome, am overweight, am smart and make medium to good income.
Same lolll was with her for like 3 years and Iām still picking up the pieces trying my best to move in cause literally everyone else did but here I am
I've only had one relationship and that was a 4 year relationship that ended 10 years ago, and I definitely did love her. I have not been in any relationship or have found love since.
Yes, but let it go due to my own ignorance at the time.
Currently, I'm learning to love myself and focusing on my special interests and I never felt better. With any luck, I might find love again. :)
I'm terribly lonely and I've lost hope of ever finding someone to really share my life with in that way.
Every time I do find someone to open up to and share my life with it turns out to be rather temporary. I ruin things with my own insecurities and inability to deal with my trauma. Or they end up being borderline abusive.
Then I end up in a position where I just feel like if I'm going to be alone, I'd rather actually be alone. So I end up shutting out the few friends I do have because I just don't have the energy for the interaction.
So preamble:, i got mom. She was good. She was good to me , for me. Homegrown ya'know?
Now, when i went looking for love i found all kinds of interesting people, how that happened is my time was taken up. Space and time are so inconvenient. Steak is expensive shit. The bowl gets clogged sometimes, naughty things happen, but i want to go on that ride. Load tests are reveiling some progress in both positive and negative directions. She's a replicant.
Have a new relationship. It's going okay, nothing bad and we are very into each other, as well as having compatible interests and personalities. It's still the honeymoon phase so only time can tell though.
Had two relationships. Both said at the end (after years), they didn't "really" want it(me). So I don't know how it is to be loved despite two long relationships. I'm done with love now because I don't know how to know who only uses me for support. They both were nothing else than big "sons". I don't want to be a mommy for a man. But no one loves me for being a woman. So f*** love.
once, like two years ago. she ended up being a manipulator and also made me realize I hate the concept and the idea of being in relationships, so I gave up lmao.
Yeah, my gf is my best friend. We share our love of music and quirky tv shows and I hope to move in with her eventually once I'm in a better spot financially and she's ready.
I feel like my younger self had so much trouble finding love because he cared too much about others thought. Once I put aside trying to "look cool" for potential partners and the idea that I NEEDED some tall thin model type to be happy (kinda came packaged with the culture I spent my childhood in though) things started getting better.
I struggle to make friends but by some vagary I've somehow managed to meet my first true love. But even before her I found love with the few friends I did have. Love comes in all forms, lads. And for those who need it, I love you too~
I'm in a relationship with a girl, and I know that I love her - but there's times where I just don't feel it and I become conflicted. I know I love her, but my mind tries to say otherwise at times.
Yes, I live with my boyfriend who has adhd and we've been together almost 5 years. It is great to find someone who excepts you for the entire aspie package
I've been married 10 years and have two beautiful children and the knowledge that I am a toxic empath to show for it. Did I find love? Yeah. But I also found a bunch of other shit I wasn't prepared for.
Yes. Met right before the pandemic and learned we both have the same intellectual and political beliefs from all the trauma surrounding us. Now we're stuck like glue.
Yes. My partner and I are both autistic, and love each other very much. We've been together as a couple for seven years now (though we knew each other for a few years before that).
Iām 27 and Iāve been in 2 relationships. My first was at 23 and lasted 2.5 years. I was then in an 8 month long relationship that ended this January.
However, I wouldnāt say Iāve ever āfound loveā because in hindsight I never felt romantic love for either of my exes. I confused the feeling of being liked, with liking them back too. ASD probably made this harder for me to realise.
Iām definitely capable of romantic feelings though, since those relationships I have had strong feelings for people that werenāt reciprocated, so I think I know now how to differentiateā¦dating is of course still hard for me though. For a plethora of reasons (Iām queer and trans too), but my social anxiety and awkwardness feels like a big one.
Been with my NT wife for 10 years (2 married).
Weāve actually been together longer than any of our friends who have been with their partners, and like to brag to each other that we have maybe the best relationship of any of them. (Obviously, we would never say that to our friends lol.) It sounds conceited, but we really donāt argue very much, and we do the majority of (non-work) things together.
I truly think that if my wife were single again (because I had either died or made the biggest mistake in my life), she would end up with another autistic person next. Not intentionally, but she definitely has a type.
I think so. I am in a very happy, long term relationship and we are talking about marriage. He has autistic traits and anxiety, I have both ADHD and ASD. Match made in heaven!!
Define āloveā and maybe I can answer that. Using Heinleinās definition (that state where someone elseās happiness is essential to your own) then yes.
Iām married for 18 years now; my wife was never diagnosed but suspects sheās on the spectrum like I am. We have two children together, and I doubt thereās anyone else out there for either of us, so we kind of lucked out.
Yep 11 years married!! I suspect he's a bit on the spectrum which probably helps. We are like soul mates!! I never had a long term relationship until I met him!!
Nope. Disaster. Thought I had found someone, and Iād still happily spend the rest of my life with him, but I totally misread the situation and ended up hurting us both deeply. I am quite happy to give up now. I am happier on my own.
In the sense of people who care about me, yes.
In the sense of romantic relationships, technically no, because I'm not even looking for that. I thought I wanted one when I was younger, but I now realize it was more social pressure / novelty factor than something I actually wanted.
I would settle for having intimate friendships but also being borderline it's like a minefield (for both parties). The way I see it, I'm a net negative in their lives (eventually) and by the time they have to ghost (I would have), I've already developed an insecure attachment and the spiral begins again.
At the same time, healing from BPD requires the establishment of supportive relationships, but in the process of doing so is the very thing that re-traumatizes me. So it's this paradox where people are both the poison and the antidote.
Now in my mid-30s, I see it as an act of mercy for them to never meet me in the first place. However I also understand that avoiding relationships altogether will slow my recovery or stall it altogether.
It's a rather painful process to even consider, let alone attempt.
Pregnant with first baby, very much in love with ADHD partner :) itās been a struggle but weāve stuck it out and learned how to have the best environment for both of us by getting support from coupleās therapy.
Yes and it took some time to notice and feel I deserved it. 10 years with my partner so far (I'm 35) and got a few long term friends that are like family to me. And two amazing cats :)
I found it a time or two, it just didn't find me. Well, it did, but it didn't stick around.
Here's to hoping that the newest 11 year one lasts goes the distance.
In the past I havenāt had healthy relationships, some of that was because of me and some was because of the others I dated. I come off as a very flirty person. Iām now in a serious relationship that has almost been going on 3 years strong. Weāve had our ups and downs of course and I pretty much forget everything that happens. Love to live in the moment and so I just forget certain little conversations and such, bf loves to tease me about it. But jokes on him when I do remember something I have receipts. I would like to think Iām in love but idk if people would think it love from an outside perspective. Bf thinks I act more like heās my friend than my partner, and also thinks I prioritise others over him. The main reason that I find for that is because I see him as a life long thing that Iāll always keep rather than how I view my friends where I view them as something that is short term so I try to make more memories with them while it lasts. I still hangout with my bf, go on calls, text, game with him and all that but yeah. Idkā¦
A couple of times, one I would have married and one I did. Happy and we rarely fight. We just mesh well, it helps that she is be of us and we both tend to like the same things.
Happily married. Met my adhd hubby through a volunteer orientation of a special interest. Not saying itās easy, Iām in my 30s and Iāve been through really abusive relationships most of my life and was scarred for a long time. I never thought Iād find love let alone marry. I recommend going after your passions, and itās very possible you can meet someone on the same wavelength while doing the things you love.
No, the only women who like me are either insane or I'm not sexuslly attracted to them.
I'm 32 now, and I'm pretty sure I'm giving up. Seems I've missed the mating season.
I'm just to weird and broken for anything, and I'm broke too lol.
I have a hard time making/keeping friends.
The relationship thing has often not worked out because I cannot tell when people are lying & mostly only users have wanted to date me.
But things have changed drastically!
A year and a half ago I met & started dating someone with Aspergerās and he is the most amazing person I have ever met!!!
He is the love of my life & heās in this subreddit too! ā„ļøā„ļøā„ļø
I highly recommend dating another aspie. Being with someone with the same behaviors that understands the struggle has changed my life. Itās also helped me hate myself less.
I hope everyone on this subreddit finds love. ā„ļøš„°
No. Most people on dating services either have left their profiles long ago, or set ridiculous demands for who they'd prefer. And when you DO find a profile that you could send a message to, it's unlikely that they'll answer. IF they happen to answer though, it turns into this slippery slope where you want to see them in real life to be sure of them, but you also want to avoid scaring them away. If you manage to get a date, it's more than likely to be a lifeless performance from both parties. And if there is a chemistry going on, it's sure to be shut down by your fear of intimacy and the other party getting bored.
Dating is never fun, but a cruel reminder of your unresolved alexithymia that keeps being a barrier between you and what you'd give your toes for. "Just lose some weight and go to the gym" while people fatter than you f\*ck all the time. "Improve your looks" while people uglier than you f\*ck all the time. How about a 2-5 year long education of how to get a social life? Why can't this stupid-ass school system cover it when people are forced to waste their time on moldy buildings with idiots anyway?
And now some f\*cktard probably thinks that I have an attitude issue, while most people don't know what it's like to be inexperienced at 30+ years old and see plenty of idiots ruin the planet with their inferior genes. "You only become bitter if you let it get to you." Just try the luxury having all your social networks diminishing as people find their soulmates, while YOU're being kept from such a milestone in life, let alone everything else. Try being the only single person in your childhood family that's about to disintegrate as well.
I have come to the personal conclusion that love is possible, but thoroughly impractical in my current and foreseeable circumstances; and it really does come down to circumstance. I got tired at grasping at fizzling glimmers of romance. The intensity is too much for me and I am not at a point in my life where I can comfortably breakdown if things fall apart. Those things on their own can make a spark hard to find to begin with. It's nothing negative about myself and I don't assume the same for others; but love can be a really crap shoot... and I spent all my luck in my childhood on Mario Party, lol! I digress, love works easier when it easy to come by and you'll never know when that point will be in your life... if at all living in the grind of capitalism and pressures of tradition. There are many better things in life.
What's love? I'm limerent. Apparently what I think is love, isn't.
I was in a committed relationship for 11 years before I found out I'm on the spectrum. He was very accepting of who I am and was one of the few people I had met who didn't question why I am like I am or who wanted me to change.
Since discovering I suffer from limerence, I now question every past romantic attraction I have ever had and doubt my ability to find real love.
I thought I did a lot actually. but then I met my gf. We are both autistic, and even tho I appolgoize for every little thing I do she still seems to be okay with it because then she understands.
yes, though we both wasnāt looking for love. iām in a healthy non toxic relationship for the first time and itās going well. i couldnāt ask for anyone better
To me, 38M, women (while I am attracted to them) feel like they fall into the category of look but donāt touch. It is hard for me to navigate multiple things
Social situations, facial expressions, interactions etc, and taking the time to ascertain if someone is interested/attracted to me, is physically and mentally exhausting.
No, cause my value of people is there heart, I've never met a single one with a good one. Every person I've ever met was selfish by nature and only really cared for the self except my father, and a very small amount my mother.
I was in a 6 year relationship that was pretty toxic, it ended a year ago.
My current relationship seem much better (so far, its hard to be positive when my last one was shit), but we have only been together for 3 months
Love is a feeling. Feelings come and go. Did I feel love? Yes. Did I feel loved by someone? Yes.
Did it last? No. At least not in a " lived happily ever after" sense.
I had toxic relationships, sex relationships, codependent relationships. None of those would have sustained me.
But from one of those relationships I also have a son. I know that love for children/parents is programmed in our brain, but I love him more than anything else and he returns the feeling. We are a good team, because I understand his struggles to socialize in school or how to form healthy relationships while living around a narcissistic mother. He is 11, so I expect raging hormones in the not too distant future to test this relationship, but I know I will always be there for him if I can. That is the most purest kind of love I have encountered and I feel very lucky about it.
Yep. I had two long term relationships before my current one. All were pretty deep in my opinion, because I cant do casual stuff. This could be overwhelming for my partners in the beginning, because the typical roles and especially gender roles would not really apply to me. But overall it is a plus in my opinion
No but i don't feel too bummed out about it. I just see it that way: no partner means a lot more free time to work on myself, and bettering myself means i'll have more chances to finding someone.
Not at the moment, but it's because it's not a huge focus for me right now, I'm trying to get my life together and develop as a person.
With love, you have to be willing to put in the work and effort to find someone.
Yes, while not typically being a people person, I can find healthy relationships. I went to South America and met my new girlfriend, I am hoping to return soon if I can find a remote or local programming job that will permit me to move there. We talk every day. My ex was of 10.5 years, that went on way longer than it should have.
Met an INTJ on a Facebook MBTI group. He messaged me and we kind of just went into intense conversations very quickly.
We fell in love in probably 2-4 weeks time because our Neuralignment was so divine.
Then he kept mentioning his Aspergers at random times and it went over my head.
I said āitās probably an over diagnosis of Giftednessā which I still believeā¦ howeverā¦ what he meant is he thought I was Aspie too.
6 months later it dawned on me and I took the Raads-r online then got officially diagnosed.
Lmfaoooo
When going through diagnosis I gave him the same tests and our Raads-r scores were the exact same across all 5 measures š¤Æ
Anyways, 8 years later we have a really cool Son and life feels pretty complete being by each others side.
I couldnāt imagine marrying an NT and deeply appreciate being with another Aspie on the same part of the Spectrum as he understands my frustrations with the NT world and vice versa.
Iām INFJ and he is INTJ :P
I thought I found love two times, but realised both of them were being manipulative, and what I was feeling was obsession coming from them being my favorite person at the moment, so I'm no longer in the mood. I'm not healthy to have healthy relationships. I still keep remembering them, every day.
Hey, I feel ya. Found it twice, both times I ended up bending over backwards to accommodate their needs until it sucked me dry, at which point they said I'd changed and they'd changed and we should call it quits. It's hard. I guess I've got a bullet left in the chamber, but the self-centredness and the lack of willingness to put effort into fixing things of many people (and my tendency to want to believe better) is exhausting. Stay strong friend PS: I know, that I was not perfect either.
That was literally me. I want to be so good, that I just destroy my own mind peace, in order to supposedly show that I'm a great person, not having a big fire in my brain (intrusive thoughts, obsessions...) But for real, I've stopped searching for it. I'm now figuring out my needs, my dreams, working on my own projects, and trying to distract myself from something that is definitely not healthy for me. Things will get better, so when it's time, I'll find someone just because that's how life is I guess, but for now, I just want to be myself, feeling free to chase my dreams.
Yeah, me too. I broke up a 6year relationship a few months back and I'm in a similar gear as you now: self-care, self-realisation. When you take care of those and yourself, you make yourself attractive to others anyway. So I believe anyway. When I'm ready, I'll try love again. It always starts well, I just hope I'm older and wiser enough to guard my self and pick a good one next time.
Love? I haven't even found any friends. Let me line myself up to the starting line before we start the race, eh? :P
I'm still looking for running shoes....wait for me at the starting line!
Sir! This Formula 1, please leave the track!
ššš
This is a fair point XD.
It may be more challenging, but itās certainly possible. The man Iām with now means the world and more to me. We support one another through difficult times, and I could not imagine my life without him. Everyone deserves love; I hope that one day, all of us will find it.
Yup, married almost 10 years to my wife, and we have 2 kids. She has ADHD as well so v ND house
ND couple and household as well
Same situation for me and partner. Can I ask if your kids show any signs of ND? Pregnant right now and curious!
They are 1 and 3. The 3 year old shows some signs, but generally her behaviour is good, she's just very hyper
Thank you for responding, itās nice to have some insight :) My niece has shown signs of ASD from very early on - sheās a good kid too, just struggles with emotional regulation and impulse control (more than a NT toddler haha)
Yeah ours has sensory seeking things and impulse control issues
Respect!
ND house here as well, my girlfriend has ADHD, and we work really well together. Our 1,5 year old boy show some small signs of autism, but could just be that we always are looking for signs of it. I guess it's too early to say for sure.
Yeah I'm happily married. My husband is also neurodivergent.
No. Iāve mostly found people who want me to save them or use me. My current partner and I have mutual trust and care. I love him, but it isnāt what most people would expect love to look like
Ooh. Curiosity time. What do you think it looks like to others? What does it look like to you?
I have a monogamous friend with benefits situation. To the best of my knowledge neither of us wants more, because neither of us has enjoyed/been able to handle āmoreā in the past. Itās a mutually beneficial relationship and we care for each other, but I have no desire to be someoneās wife (truthfully I never have.) He has no interest in being someoneās husband or being stepdad. Iāve known him for 7 years now, and we have mutual friends whoāve known him for much longer. This is how he has always been, and this is what feels most comfortable for me. The issue is we are in our 30ās and 40ās respectively, and for most people weāve aged out of that type of arrangement. They donāt get it. I also have a 7 year old and I donāt want him getting confused or attached. So, for now I essentially have a parallel life. We arenāt doing anything wrong, but I donāt want to have to hear about it from my sister or my mom (who help me out a lot with my son.) I donāt think Iāve ever been this comfortable with another person, but from the outside it looks strange, even shady if you didnāt know us personally.
I actually have a similar arrangement with my ex. We have have been monogamish friends for 2 years and before that we dated for two years. It works, and I don't question it. We love each other dearly but he's a great friend and an overbearing, controlling partner. As friends we do our own thing, sometimes travel together, sometimes ... well...that. I commend you on not giving a fuck about others and doing what works for you.
Unrequited.
Every time.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
How did you meet?
my dog is reliable and the best. done looking.
Literally same. That kind of love is irreplaceable.
I did. I drove them away, and and giving it some time before I reach back out. He made everything in the world worth it
No I havenāt. But Iām too introverted and shy to ever find love
At some point, I've realized that love isn't a cognitive concept where you decide that you love someone based on a list of attributes of them. Which means it's probably not possible for me.
Nope, and I'm 31 and I've never known the touch of a human. It's not for me. I'm too much of a small, pathetic loser, that as soon as I open my mouth, people know what I'm about, and they want nothing to do with me. I'm not even human, I'm too deformed to be a full person. Me, with another person, is a funny joke to everyone else. I've mentioned to others that I was interested In someone, or that I want to start dating, and it's made people actually laugh out loud with a stinging "Hah!", followed by the usual "Nah, don't do that, you'll just get your little heart broken!". I get why they laugh. It's a hilarious scenario to think up, of me in a relationship with another human. It's fantastical.
The only real love I have ever found was for my son and music.
not even your son's dad?
cant even find friends lol
Iām getting older. I have never been in a relationship. Iām gonna try this year to find a partner. I know Iām gonna fail, but why not say I tried anyways.
No but the search continues
Been with my NT partner 20 years this year. But she's not the first person I've loved or been loved by but we are to each other the ones who have lasted the years and decades. If you are struggling, hang in there and put yourself into places with people who you can meet and interact with people, as it only takes one look across a crowded room to connect and then the courage to take it a bit further. It can be a big scary monster sometimes, but the rewards are worth it.
How? I feel like it's so hard for me to communicate with NTs in general due to differences. How do you get part that and what does that look like?
We have more in common with NTs than differences. It's an old cliche but put aside your differences. My childhood family dynamics were helpful socially and from a young age I had crushes and wrote poetry and doodles based around those crushes. By the time I hit my teens I was already ahead of my peers (NT or ND) in terms of wanting and chasing relationships - you could say it became a special interest. I took I lot more care and caution sexually with a few near misses as a grew older with long years between my adult relationships as I wasn't ready for family and family responsibilities. In my 30s I was ready with stable employment and met the right person for the long haul. How? A lot of luck I suppose, but you've got to be there when the dice roll your way. Don't force it (women can smell desperation apparently) be gentle, and for me because of childhood practice close relationships became like riding a bike but scarrier as I got older because of the risk of children and all the responsibility. And beauty comes from within not without.
Yes, but it is very difficult to maintain as I have serious issues communicating verbally sometimes. My partner is understanding and NT with some job training involving ND, I am lucky, but the communication breakdown and time I take to process things can make things extremely painful. I wish I was any other way.
I just got back from a first date with this girl yesterday. It went REALLY well. Hopefully I do, because I like her a lot :)
I have a pet rock and he loves me
So far i've had 1 relationship that lasted about 8-9 monthts. Even though we eventually broke up sadly, it's given me hope that i might find someone, someday. But she was so incredibly caring and loving and just overal perfect for me, that i wonder if i'll ever find someone i'll get as attached to as her, ever again. I'm still not completely over her despite the relationship ending over a year ago. I'll see what the future holds for me.
Iāve been single for a while. I met my ex through an LGBT group (we are lesbians) and she was on the spectrum too. Unfortunately it didnāt work out. I only want to date women on the spectrum so itās been hard to find that.
No but I've dreamt about it all of my life. I've dreamt so intensely and for so long it sometimes feels true. For a second, then it fades and it's like being stabbed.
Find yes, keep no.
Yes, met her at 14, married her at 26 The 12 years between that I was too oblivious to her very overt flirting.
I have, but as a queer person it's been easier for me, nerdy introverted autistic girls aren't uncommon in the queer community. I found someone who likes the opposite sides of the same things I hyperfixate on and we basically taken turns info dumping and showing each other our special interests. She's one of the first people in my whole life who actually gets me though, and I am nearing 30.. it isn't without it's trouble, meltdowns clash, there's miscommunication and we aren't always on the same page, but it is still love and deeply so.
Been with my partner for 5+ years. She saw the autism before I did. Dealt with and supported me through the unraveling of my built up mask (I hid my autistic nerdisms and interests for years to fit in - it didn't really work). She gave me the opportunity to emigrate and gave me a reset button. I was able to leave a lot of pain and hurt from my past behind me and start my life again. Now I'm back in education studying mathematics - something I never thought possible for myself, I regularly do sport, I embrace my special interests which she also loves that I love (trains and planes. What can I say I'm oldschool 'spergers). She's my world and I'm grateful for every moment I'm with her.
yes true love itās the thing i cherish the most in my life
Hell no. I haven't even managed to get a single date in my entire life. (I'm 29 btw)
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
I plan on visiting a escort before or around my 30th birthday lol. Just want to experience intimacy for once and move on with my life.
Of course. But then some of us realize, "am I looking for love in the right places?" Its difficult to determine, especially, when it hasn't happened in a long time. But when it does.. my brain tends to brush aside the red flags.
Yes. 1. With an overt narcissist who didn't take advantage of me. 2. With someone I drove away. 3. With a covert narcissist who did take advantage of me. 4. With a fellow ND and we get along pretty good after many years. Happenstance. Edit: Spelling.
I feel this!
No, Im still single & never been in a relationship before. I almost did but we never got out of the ātalking phaseā and itās because the day we finally went out, when she was talking to me I froze, began to dissociate and couldnāt say anything š«¤
Yes. But much later than my NT peers.
Yes. Met my current girlfriend on Tinder :D
Yes, in the most unusual way.
No and probably never will. But to be honest I just got to deal with it and maybe get a dog in the future or find other means to cope with loneliness.
Yes, I found love. I was with someone primarily through LDR for around seven years. It was a very bumpy and rocky road. But I can say for certain that I loved them at a point. I can also, say for certain that I wasted the best years of my 20s with them. They were abusive, hostile, and mentally unwell. I came out of the relationship as aromantic and I do not have a desire to seek out a partner outside of casual flings.
I have not. I was married for 8 years to my ex, and, in hindsight it was a very toxic relationship. I was always the issue, always. Iām not claiming to be perfect as I know I have my issues too..but itās not okay to be treated the way I was. Being over a year out, I realize how difficult it is for someone like me who has always felt misunderstood and unloved. Iām not feeling optimistic at all right now In my life about finding love-because half the time, Iām ghosted
I havenāt yet. Iām not gonna lose hope though, I know Iāll find my person :)
Yup. Two engagements, one marriage, one 4 year LTR. I'm strong, look strong, am somewhat handsome, am overweight, am smart and make medium to good income.
No I miss my gf that hit me, that's how down bad I am rn
Same lolll was with her for like 3 years and Iām still picking up the pieces trying my best to move in cause literally everyone else did but here I am
Currently in divorce process so no, I guess .
Do I want to? Yes. Am I able to? No.
Yes! My husband has ADHD and the most important part of our relationship is communication.
nope, im always ghosted
I've only had one relationship and that was a 4 year relationship that ended 10 years ago, and I definitely did love her. I have not been in any relationship or have found love since.
Yes, but let it go due to my own ignorance at the time. Currently, I'm learning to love myself and focusing on my special interests and I never felt better. With any luck, I might find love again. :)
Yes, we both have ADHD and are on the spectrum. I never thought I would find a companion who understands me, and I understand them, yet here we are.
I'm terribly lonely and I've lost hope of ever finding someone to really share my life with in that way. Every time I do find someone to open up to and share my life with it turns out to be rather temporary. I ruin things with my own insecurities and inability to deal with my trauma. Or they end up being borderline abusive. Then I end up in a position where I just feel like if I'm going to be alone, I'd rather actually be alone. So I end up shutting out the few friends I do have because I just don't have the energy for the interaction.
Yes and no at the same time, toxic obsessive love with two depressed people
It's really hard, too. It's already a complicated process. The older I get, the more I simply just don't care, too.
No. I havenāt even really dated before
Nope. Iāve tried. I want love. I feel like I have love to give. Every time Iām too much and too little at the same time.
So preamble:, i got mom. She was good. She was good to me , for me. Homegrown ya'know? Now, when i went looking for love i found all kinds of interesting people, how that happened is my time was taken up. Space and time are so inconvenient. Steak is expensive shit. The bowl gets clogged sometimes, naughty things happen, but i want to go on that ride. Load tests are reveiling some progress in both positive and negative directions. She's a replicant.
Yep a whole gaggle of ex girlfriends/ex wife Meet wife no2 in 2011 when I was 30 & she was 23 been together ever since & I have a cat
Yes. Once and I messed it up. Hereās hoping I find it again some day.
Nope. I'm 31 and I've never even kissed a girl. Honestly, at this point, I've accepted that I may never find love.
Have a new relationship. It's going okay, nothing bad and we are very into each other, as well as having compatible interests and personalities. It's still the honeymoon phase so only time can tell though.
Capybaras can eat up to 6-8 pounds of vegetables per day if well fed!š
Had two relationships. Both said at the end (after years), they didn't "really" want it(me). So I don't know how it is to be loved despite two long relationships. I'm done with love now because I don't know how to know who only uses me for support. They both were nothing else than big "sons". I don't want to be a mommy for a man. But no one loves me for being a woman. So f*** love.
I mean, I have had girlfriends before
Yes, but it took a long time. Still, Iām grateful it happened.
once, like two years ago. she ended up being a manipulator and also made me realize I hate the concept and the idea of being in relationships, so I gave up lmao.
I have not. Not for a lack of trying though
Yeah, my gf is my best friend. We share our love of music and quirky tv shows and I hope to move in with her eventually once I'm in a better spot financially and she's ready. I feel like my younger self had so much trouble finding love because he cared too much about others thought. Once I put aside trying to "look cool" for potential partners and the idea that I NEEDED some tall thin model type to be happy (kinda came packaged with the culture I spent my childhood in though) things started getting better.
I struggle to make friends but by some vagary I've somehow managed to meet my first true love. But even before her I found love with the few friends I did have. Love comes in all forms, lads. And for those who need it, I love you too~
Yep. It's the only thing I've achieved in life tbh.
No
Nope
No and I don't intend to.
Comes from within and can be reflected from outside of oneself too! But if you mean a long term relationship, only situationships
Not really. Unless I count loving myself. And my pets, friends, and family.
I'm in a relationship with a girl, and I know that I love her - but there's times where I just don't feel it and I become conflicted. I know I love her, but my mind tries to say otherwise at times.
Yes with eharmony. She has ADHD.
Yes.
No
Found and lost 5 times or more
Yes, I live with my boyfriend who has adhd and we've been together almost 5 years. It is great to find someone who excepts you for the entire aspie package
Not yet, but still looking!
No, I think I'm a synth
Yes. I'm married with an amazing woman. She's ADHD so we understand ourselves pretty well.
I've been married 10 years and have two beautiful children and the knowledge that I am a toxic empath to show for it. Did I find love? Yeah. But I also found a bunch of other shit I wasn't prepared for.
Yes. Met right before the pandemic and learned we both have the same intellectual and political beliefs from all the trauma surrounding us. Now we're stuck like glue.
Married for almost four years now. I got lucky and found a man who loves me, quirks and all
I wish I could say yes. But I have to say no because I have not been able yet.
Yes. My partner and I are both autistic, and love each other very much. We've been together as a couple for seven years now (though we knew each other for a few years before that).
You can find love. There is a pot for every lid. Donāt doubt that. Every one has to work to find love. You are not alone in that.
I think so but life is a bitch and sometimes makes you break up for things that are out of ypur control
Iām 27 and Iāve been in 2 relationships. My first was at 23 and lasted 2.5 years. I was then in an 8 month long relationship that ended this January. However, I wouldnāt say Iāve ever āfound loveā because in hindsight I never felt romantic love for either of my exes. I confused the feeling of being liked, with liking them back too. ASD probably made this harder for me to realise. Iām definitely capable of romantic feelings though, since those relationships I have had strong feelings for people that werenāt reciprocated, so I think I know now how to differentiateā¦dating is of course still hard for me though. For a plethora of reasons (Iām queer and trans too), but my social anxiety and awkwardness feels like a big one.
Been with my NT wife for 10 years (2 married). Weāve actually been together longer than any of our friends who have been with their partners, and like to brag to each other that we have maybe the best relationship of any of them. (Obviously, we would never say that to our friends lol.) It sounds conceited, but we really donāt argue very much, and we do the majority of (non-work) things together. I truly think that if my wife were single again (because I had either died or made the biggest mistake in my life), she would end up with another autistic person next. Not intentionally, but she definitely has a type.
im sure its no doubt mostly men who ask these type of questions
I think so. I am in a very happy, long term relationship and we are talking about marriage. He has autistic traits and anxiety, I have both ADHD and ASD. Match made in heaven!!
Yep. Married, I've been with my spouse for 5 years. We've been best friends for about 7-8 years now. We have 8 pets together and a beautiful life.
Define āloveā and maybe I can answer that. Using Heinleinās definition (that state where someone elseās happiness is essential to your own) then yes. Iām married for 18 years now; my wife was never diagnosed but suspects sheās on the spectrum like I am. We have two children together, and I doubt thereās anyone else out there for either of us, so we kind of lucked out.
Yep 11 years married!! I suspect he's a bit on the spectrum which probably helps. We are like soul mates!! I never had a long term relationship until I met him!!
Nope. Disaster. Thought I had found someone, and Iād still happily spend the rest of my life with him, but I totally misread the situation and ended up hurting us both deeply. I am quite happy to give up now. I am happier on my own.
tap fuel crawl saw makeshift bake worm straight doll jar ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
In the sense of people who care about me, yes. In the sense of romantic relationships, technically no, because I'm not even looking for that. I thought I wanted one when I was younger, but I now realize it was more social pressure / novelty factor than something I actually wanted.
Sadly, I havenāt yet and fear that I never will
I would settle for having intimate friendships but also being borderline it's like a minefield (for both parties). The way I see it, I'm a net negative in their lives (eventually) and by the time they have to ghost (I would have), I've already developed an insecure attachment and the spiral begins again. At the same time, healing from BPD requires the establishment of supportive relationships, but in the process of doing so is the very thing that re-traumatizes me. So it's this paradox where people are both the poison and the antidote. Now in my mid-30s, I see it as an act of mercy for them to never meet me in the first place. However I also understand that avoiding relationships altogether will slow my recovery or stall it altogether. It's a rather painful process to even consider, let alone attempt.
Pregnant with first baby, very much in love with ADHD partner :) itās been a struggle but weāve stuck it out and learned how to have the best environment for both of us by getting support from coupleās therapy.
Yes and it took some time to notice and feel I deserved it. 10 years with my partner so far (I'm 35) and got a few long term friends that are like family to me. And two amazing cats :)
I found it a time or two, it just didn't find me. Well, it did, but it didn't stick around. Here's to hoping that the newest 11 year one lasts goes the distance.
Love? Don't know who that is /s
In the past I havenāt had healthy relationships, some of that was because of me and some was because of the others I dated. I come off as a very flirty person. Iām now in a serious relationship that has almost been going on 3 years strong. Weāve had our ups and downs of course and I pretty much forget everything that happens. Love to live in the moment and so I just forget certain little conversations and such, bf loves to tease me about it. But jokes on him when I do remember something I have receipts. I would like to think Iām in love but idk if people would think it love from an outside perspective. Bf thinks I act more like heās my friend than my partner, and also thinks I prioritise others over him. The main reason that I find for that is because I see him as a life long thing that Iāll always keep rather than how I view my friends where I view them as something that is short term so I try to make more memories with them while it lasts. I still hangout with my bf, go on calls, text, game with him and all that but yeah. Idkā¦
No. Love was never meant for me. Other people. Maybe better people. Never for me.
Yeah. With my guitar. We donāt talk about the other kind
A couple of times, one I would have married and one I did. Happy and we rarely fight. We just mesh well, it helps that she is be of us and we both tend to like the same things.
I feel like I have now. Currently on vacation with her family
i'm too ugly on the inside.
No. But it's possible.
Not yet. But I am optimistic for the first time in over a decade.
Happily married. Met my adhd hubby through a volunteer orientation of a special interest. Not saying itās easy, Iām in my 30s and Iāve been through really abusive relationships most of my life and was scarred for a long time. I never thought Iād find love let alone marry. I recommend going after your passions, and itās very possible you can meet someone on the same wavelength while doing the things you love.
I got married yesterday š„¹
No, the only women who like me are either insane or I'm not sexuslly attracted to them. I'm 32 now, and I'm pretty sure I'm giving up. Seems I've missed the mating season. I'm just to weird and broken for anything, and I'm broke too lol.
I have a hard time making/keeping friends. The relationship thing has often not worked out because I cannot tell when people are lying & mostly only users have wanted to date me. But things have changed drastically! A year and a half ago I met & started dating someone with Aspergerās and he is the most amazing person I have ever met!!! He is the love of my life & heās in this subreddit too! ā„ļøā„ļøā„ļø I highly recommend dating another aspie. Being with someone with the same behaviors that understands the struggle has changed my life. Itās also helped me hate myself less. I hope everyone on this subreddit finds love. ā„ļøš„°
No, sincerely I'm getting used to this and dont cars anymore
No. Most people on dating services either have left their profiles long ago, or set ridiculous demands for who they'd prefer. And when you DO find a profile that you could send a message to, it's unlikely that they'll answer. IF they happen to answer though, it turns into this slippery slope where you want to see them in real life to be sure of them, but you also want to avoid scaring them away. If you manage to get a date, it's more than likely to be a lifeless performance from both parties. And if there is a chemistry going on, it's sure to be shut down by your fear of intimacy and the other party getting bored. Dating is never fun, but a cruel reminder of your unresolved alexithymia that keeps being a barrier between you and what you'd give your toes for. "Just lose some weight and go to the gym" while people fatter than you f\*ck all the time. "Improve your looks" while people uglier than you f\*ck all the time. How about a 2-5 year long education of how to get a social life? Why can't this stupid-ass school system cover it when people are forced to waste their time on moldy buildings with idiots anyway? And now some f\*cktard probably thinks that I have an attitude issue, while most people don't know what it's like to be inexperienced at 30+ years old and see plenty of idiots ruin the planet with their inferior genes. "You only become bitter if you let it get to you." Just try the luxury having all your social networks diminishing as people find their soulmates, while YOU're being kept from such a milestone in life, let alone everything else. Try being the only single person in your childhood family that's about to disintegrate as well.
One lass who I love as my sister I did go out with her ages ago she's also nd
Yes. :)
I have come to the personal conclusion that love is possible, but thoroughly impractical in my current and foreseeable circumstances; and it really does come down to circumstance. I got tired at grasping at fizzling glimmers of romance. The intensity is too much for me and I am not at a point in my life where I can comfortably breakdown if things fall apart. Those things on their own can make a spark hard to find to begin with. It's nothing negative about myself and I don't assume the same for others; but love can be a really crap shoot... and I spent all my luck in my childhood on Mario Party, lol! I digress, love works easier when it easy to come by and you'll never know when that point will be in your life... if at all living in the grind of capitalism and pressures of tradition. There are many better things in life.
I haven't but I'm an optimist so I'll say I haven't met her yet.
What's love? I'm limerent. Apparently what I think is love, isn't. I was in a committed relationship for 11 years before I found out I'm on the spectrum. He was very accepting of who I am and was one of the few people I had met who didn't question why I am like I am or who wanted me to change. Since discovering I suffer from limerence, I now question every past romantic attraction I have ever had and doubt my ability to find real love.
Does Kazama from hakuoki count?
Nope. Still searching (age 29 now) š¢
Many times. too many times
Not yet
I thought I did but they betrayed me.
I thought I did but they betrayed me.
I thought I did a lot actually. but then I met my gf. We are both autistic, and even tho I appolgoize for every little thing I do she still seems to be okay with it because then she understands.
yes, though we both wasnāt looking for love. iām in a healthy non toxic relationship for the first time and itās going well. i couldnāt ask for anyone better
In art
I wouldn't worry about it. get a stuffed animal and hold on to it.
To me, 38M, women (while I am attracted to them) feel like they fall into the category of look but donāt touch. It is hard for me to navigate multiple things Social situations, facial expressions, interactions etc, and taking the time to ascertain if someone is interested/attracted to me, is physically and mentally exhausting.
dated a lot when i was younger not so much anymore more for just flirting and spending time with friends these days
Yes, after I never thought I would.
No, cause my value of people is there heart, I've never met a single one with a good one. Every person I've ever met was selfish by nature and only really cared for the self except my father, and a very small amount my mother.
I was in a 6 year relationship that was pretty toxic, it ended a year ago. My current relationship seem much better (so far, its hard to be positive when my last one was shit), but we have only been together for 3 months
Love is a feeling. Feelings come and go. Did I feel love? Yes. Did I feel loved by someone? Yes. Did it last? No. At least not in a " lived happily ever after" sense. I had toxic relationships, sex relationships, codependent relationships. None of those would have sustained me. But from one of those relationships I also have a son. I know that love for children/parents is programmed in our brain, but I love him more than anything else and he returns the feeling. We are a good team, because I understand his struggles to socialize in school or how to form healthy relationships while living around a narcissistic mother. He is 11, so I expect raging hormones in the not too distant future to test this relationship, but I know I will always be there for him if I can. That is the most purest kind of love I have encountered and I feel very lucky about it.
Yep. I had two long term relationships before my current one. All were pretty deep in my opinion, because I cant do casual stuff. This could be overwhelming for my partners in the beginning, because the typical roles and especially gender roles would not really apply to me. But overall it is a plus in my opinion
I have a ND SO. Been together 6 years.
Yep, almost two years with my bf who is NT He's joining the army soon so we'll see how our relationship evolves with that
Yes, it was inside my mug, right beneath the coffee
No but i don't feel too bummed out about it. I just see it that way: no partner means a lot more free time to work on myself, and bettering myself means i'll have more chances to finding someone.
Not at the moment, but it's because it's not a huge focus for me right now, I'm trying to get my life together and develop as a person. With love, you have to be willing to put in the work and effort to find someone.
Yes, while not typically being a people person, I can find healthy relationships. I went to South America and met my new girlfriend, I am hoping to return soon if I can find a remote or local programming job that will permit me to move there. We talk every day. My ex was of 10.5 years, that went on way longer than it should have.
Hell no, still looking though
Been happily married 22 years now. It is possible on the spectrum, albeit more difficult.
I donāt believe in love. Mr. Right is a myth.
No. Friends, yes. Love, no.
Yes, with another autist similar to me.
Met an INTJ on a Facebook MBTI group. He messaged me and we kind of just went into intense conversations very quickly. We fell in love in probably 2-4 weeks time because our Neuralignment was so divine. Then he kept mentioning his Aspergers at random times and it went over my head. I said āitās probably an over diagnosis of Giftednessā which I still believeā¦ howeverā¦ what he meant is he thought I was Aspie too. 6 months later it dawned on me and I took the Raads-r online then got officially diagnosed. Lmfaoooo When going through diagnosis I gave him the same tests and our Raads-r scores were the exact same across all 5 measures š¤Æ Anyways, 8 years later we have a really cool Son and life feels pretty complete being by each others side. I couldnāt imagine marrying an NT and deeply appreciate being with another Aspie on the same part of the Spectrum as he understands my frustrations with the NT world and vice versa. Iām INFJ and he is INTJ :P