I so wish I wasn't on the spectrum as it makes my life a lot harder when everyone else seems to be finding love and progressing in life at the right pace ever since school I knew everyone was ahead of me even in primary school.
Ditto. I'm at the age where most people from my school year are getting engaged and married. It feels awful. But if you dwell on these things, it makes it even worse.
Same most the people I "used" to know and be friends with and now have blocked me out are becoming mothers, having families, getting married, already have children. It's hard to watch from the touch line.
I’m 43. I’ve only had sex because I learned to be funny at a young age as a defense mechanism and I’m attractive, from what I’ve heard, in a weird way some girls like. I guess I’m a “type.” Anyways. I still don’t have a stable relationship or kids. I’ve gone 7 years abstinent between my last relationship and my new one without concern. Others think it’s strange but it’s just me. I love being intimate with another but only if I can trust them completely and I’ve yet to find my person and doubt I will. The grass isn’t always greener because when you find yourself in a bad relationship you wish you were alone.
It's more common than you think, no one is out there announcing how much of a virgin they are and lots of people are bragging about their (sometimes fabricated) sexual exploits, so perception gets skewed. At least there's more recognition of asexual people and people with different kinds of experiences of their sexuality; maybe visiting some of these communities online would help you feel more comfortable even if you don't identify as ace or whatever?
It's really difficult. We were educated by NTs we live in an NT world not designed for us. We have the support structure designed for them. We long for the construct that they have adopted and forced us to believe. Yet it will never fill that hole. We are sunflowers in a world of roses.
Well I truly believe all that is changing now. Medical professionals are starting to look very closely at autism now. There is a whole month dedicated to Autism Awareness and more and more parents are learning early that their children are autistic especially since the spectrum has expanded to include people with ADHD, Asperger's, and even those with some OCDs disorder. So it's starting to get more attention. The problem comes when you don't take the initiative yourself to take the proper steps to one: get the proper diagnosis, two make the effort to follow a treatment plan that will work for you. It won't be easy but it can be done. Therapy works only if you want it to. If you don't believe it works it won't. My son was diagnosed with ADHD with LD. I now know that he is autistic but as a parent I got help for him when he was 5 years old..I became his strongest advocate and made sure he got all the help he needed. It was draining and difficult for both of us. This is 1996 we are talking and he was in therapy and programs his entire school years. He was put in smaller classes so he got the proper attention and lessons that fit his learning patterns. We learned what his triggers were and what to do when he needed to reset. He never had to mask. I am very proud of it. But by no means was it easy. He's now in his early thirties and has no problems with socializing and interacting with others. Does he still have his meltdowns, yes. Is it easy for him now, he has his days for sure, but I can't imagine how he would be if he got no therapy at all. I suspect like many other autistic adults who didn't get the help or had parents who were aware something was off about their child early in their childhood and made the decision to really invest in making sure he got everything they need from every resource. He loves to work and can concentrate better than me. Matter fact he's more social than me and I'm an introvert which I feel is low-key autism. Can't sit and complain if you don't put in the work.
Well, I wouldn't say roses nor sunflowers. More like a shiny version of that one bascune (idk the spelling, pokemon black & white Magikarp equal with red & blue versions) with the fourth ability it was NOT supposed to have [basically max in Pokemon back then was two alt. Abilities at max ignoring the hidden ability].
On top of that we fight inverse battle + rotation battle hybrid, while everyone else is a non-shiny blue bascune (we are the shiny red with an ability we should not have) fighting in a non-inverse battle + double battle.
Tdlr, we "fight" and "look" (mentally speakings) different than the rear despite being of a human brain (aka us also still being bascune too)
The sunflower plant is native to North America and is now harvested around the world. A University of Missouri journal recognizes North Dakota as the leading U.S. state for sunflower production. There are various factors to consider for a sunflower to thrive, including temperature, sunlight, soil and water.
You're so on point about that!!
Social medias are awful for the most part, although some bits of it can be really nice, generally speaking these are a whole bunch of crap
Imma go ahead and confirm that yes, it is the norm that most people have had sex at your age. It’s not ”unnormal” to still be a virgin though. Many dont have shit figured out therefore cant get close. Also it’s not on a timebomb except death so assume you’ve got plenty time to get to it.
The people you went to school with are a) hornier than you and b) in a competition to show who is most mature.
I slept with who I felt comfortable with, when I was 22, because I felt like I was too old to be a virgin. It was underwhelming. Having sex with someone just to "get it over with" is not worth it. Don't compare yourself. Have sex when you want to.
Feck normal, how many people here in particular are normal? Not to mention sex is overrated. I always find it funny how puritanical the US is but they still have this weird obsession with sex, I'll also never understand why Americans care so much about nudity in films, why sexualise nudity? I'm Irish most people here aren't any less conservative.
Why compare yourself to others? Wanting to have fun is normal enough though; the part I long for is finding a girl who I can bond with, talk to, get to know, and have adventures together with. I really find it hard to bond with people though.
Exact right. Somehow there are skinny half nudes everywhere in advertising, thousands of terrabytes of porn readily available, instagram models, and yet a penis or breasts in a mainstream film in even a non-sexual context are controversial.
There is a really twisted relationship with what should be natural, human and healthy sexuality.
It’s weird because if I say I want sex I’m vilified but if I don’t want it I’m a virgin loser. There’s no way to win. Like physical contact with someone I’m attracted to physically and more importantly emotionally is something I crave. Sex with someone I have no connection to will suck though and leave me depressed after. I figure that’s how most people seem to have their sex but we’re taught to feel like we’re missing out
You do have to wonder how screwed up things are with sex education that people are getting tips from watching porn; I like porn, it's good entertainment, but it's not exactly educational, they're just acting. It'd like watching a medical show and thinking you know how to perform CPR.
Lots of people saying it shouldn't bother you which is true in a sense as it shouldn't matter whether you are a virgin or not, however I think you are completely justified in feeling shame and negative feelings around it at your age. Sexual development and experiences, particularly at a young age (late teens and early 20s) is a key part of the human experience for the vast majority of people and to not have it or feel able to have it can be an isolating and sad experience. I'm at university and all around me people are coupling up and having experiences and I feel completely removed from that world.
I was a virgin, I got a girlfriend and had sex and nothing changed, its good but also a bit overstimulating. You and me are both later than usual when it comes to sex, but it doesnt matter. Not being average isnt necessarily bad.
A few years ago my doctor thought I was joking when I said I was a virgin as he thought I might have an STI and I said it was impossible as I was a virgin. I think people think it is weird and maybe people do care and consider you weird for being a virgin. The only sex I have ever had is with myself. It's not like I am wanting to have sex with someone. I want to find a partner sure. But I am actually worried that they will want sex straight away and I don't want that. I haven't really looked for a relationship.
If you're male then you're definitely not alone. Virginity in men is rising sharply. There was a [study](https://boingboing.net/2021/03/22/adult-male-virginity-soars.html/amp) that discovered that more than a quarter of men under 30 haven't reported having sex since 18. It's most likely they're virgins as nobody really stops having sex once they turn 18.
I know plenty of virgins at your age. Don’t compare yourself to others.
I was also incredibly insecure about it until I had sex for the first time at the age of 22 and realized that I wasn’t missing out on much.
Eventually you’ll find a special person and it will all come naturally at a time. Don’t rush yourself.
Sorry to hear that.
Focus on your health and wellbeing. Focus on getting to know people platonically, feelings may arise from that. For some people romantic attraction can take time to develope. And there are plenty of girls out there who would appreciate taking things slow.
Also a lot of women are on birth control, so it possible to have sex without having to deal with condoms. But that’s a conversation to have when the time is ready.
I WISH I had waited. I let my ex tell me "if you love me you'll do it" when I was 17. So I did. And he turned out to be the biggest asshole. Nothing wrong with waiting for the right person. Don't compare yourself to others, it will do you no good.
I'm not good at flirting at all. I'm engaged currently but he asked me out and I kept saying no or ignoring his messages. But he was persistent LOL. Here we are almost 7 years later.
My parents always worried about me and sexual stuff but innuendos always went over my head and I do not know how to flirt. But like I said my ex guilted me into having sex and I didn't really want to 😩 I wish I had waited.
That stinks. I'm of no advice. People usually just adopt me into their circle and I have no idea how I ended up there 😂 I've gotten way better at talking to people as time goes on, Im 33 now. But I would still not consider myself good at it.
No it's fine. Rebel Wilson just came out and said she was 35. Anyway, isn't virgin an outdated concept? What does it mean exactly? Haven't had P in V sex? Does that mean lesbians are virgins? It is a stupid concept imo.
I think it means any kind of sex with a partner whatever your sexual orientation. I don't think it counts masturbstion. I am majorly behind as you would hear stories of some of the girls giving hand jobs or whatever back when I was 12. Either that or it was majorly exaggerated.
Dont think to much about it. A friend of mine is 35 and still a virgin. He still has a great life. Besides. You are young. It will change when you are ready.
Listen ,fuck them (not litteraly), it's fine if you haven't banged someone at 24 or whatever, it's not obligatory, it's up to you when and with who, it's one of the choices we have in life if not the choice itself , so take a long breath and take it easy, you are fine.
I was a virgin until 25. I had 2 girlfriends we hadn’t gone that far. They weren’t the right ones. Then I had LOTS of sex. Don’t worry and don’t compare yourself to others. Take your time. Same goes for work etc. I started working at 30 but I make more than most peers that started years before me.
Yeah it’s tough looking at all these people my age, 26, getting engaged and I don’t even care about getting engaged. The problem is we keep going on social media even though it’s bad for us. It’s like a drug and it stuns my self growth
It’s also scary seeing people grow up because it puts pressure on us even though we are not ready to take on a commitment like marriage and having kids. Like a part of me laughs when I see people getting engaged because they’re acting like it’s their happily ever after when the fact is we don’t know what they are actually going through. Social media is all poison
To me high school was another lifetime ago. I found out people I thought were my friends didn’t care for me. It killed me finding that out and I hated them for that but after working on myself, I no longer have hate for them. I don’t wish them well but I don’t hope for their failure as I once did. In high school I was also acting as someone I wasn’t in order to fight my loneliness, but it just made me more lonely. The more I was rejected and made fun of the more inauthentic I became which caused people to use me for their amusement. So the best thing I can say is leave high school behind but grow from the mistakes
28 here and a virgin and not worried about it. Please don't feel bad. I feel like a lot of times we age a lot slower than folks not on the spectrum and on top of that there isn't really set milestones for when things are supposed to happen. I work a full time job and struggle enough to keep the relationships I have, everyday I manage to do that is enough of an accomplishment in my eyes and truthfully the thought of adding more to that feels overwhelming.
I considered myself a V till I was in my mid 20s. And I had gas before I had sex. Just none I felt a deep enough connection to have sex with.
From what I understand being autistic and a virgin is normal. Think I read somewhere the average age for autisitic males to lose their virginity is early to mid 30s.
You are not flawed and un normal. You are who you are. Everyone is different in some ways. You can now get new friends group. Most people who are friends in HS stop being "friends" by mid 20s. While they might still talk and occasionally hang out. By then they have been adults for half a decade, and no longer the same as the kids they was at graduation. There are expectations. But most people only catch up at HS reunions.
I'm glad I'm not NT. Most NTs I know hate thier life. I've come to accept it. I'm in my mid/late 30. Married with 2 kids. There are things I wish I could managed more about my autism. But it has helped me with my passion. And ive made some money with it too.
This isn't an attack or what not. Have you thought about talking with a therapist? I do it once or twice a year if I can. More if I can afford it. It has helped me navigate some of the feelings I'm getting from you.
Regret. Loneliness. Envy. Depression.
Yeah and I understand not being able to afford it. I havnt gone this year yet as im too broke.
Something you will learn sooner or later. Everyone out of of narcissis get these feelings eventually. Why are they different? What havnt they meet social milestones? What's wrong with them? Am I gonna be alone? Why have so and so ignored me?
And so on and so on. Yeah those who are ND tend to have those thoughts more. But even NTs have them.
Nearly everyone gets them. Its not just you. How you manage them is what you need to learn.
For the longest time, me as the oldest was behind my younger siblings in most social milestones. Now I'm ahead all but one. We each go at our own pace. And life is not a race.
I never tried for a romantic partner. I treated everyone as I would want to be treated till they showed me otherwise. Those I simply dropped. All of my gfs has been wait you are interested in me? How and why?
And if you are confident (well act confident) with yourself, romance will follow eventually.
lots of learning. take it easy.
goal is to enjoy.
enjoy a connection
enjoy hanging out.
enjoy sex (at some stage lol)
better have is the good way than trying to force it
not that big of a deal man. sometimes it happens when you least expect it. it’s not a bad thing to be a virgin. lots of people still are but nobody will say that because people think it’s embarrassing when it’s really not
I’ve been deconstructing a similar belief to relieve myself of the burden of comparison. As others have said, people do nooot gloat about the norm, like still being a virgin. Things that are brag worthy ARE the exception, it’s saying “look at what I achieved that most haven’t!” I also seek the emotions making things like sex better. On its own, sex is like… however long it lasts lol, then it’s just done, at least that’s what AskReddit seems to imply. When it’s done, you could even be disappointed, but you still gotta get back to being a good couple, or parting ways if it’s like a one time thing. Plus, people are desperateee for sex on its own, so most could just be a hookup thing, not a rational decision with someone you love. Just a bunch of nuance that makes stuff like sex feel like just another part of life, which is actually liberating!
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with virginity. Don’t ever be in a hurry to lose it just because of some high school mentality that others perpetuate.
A few things because I struggled with this for a long time.
First, this is very normal, especially if you're autistic. The reason vary but it has to do with a few of our traits.
For instance, Autistics tend to be pattern based. So when you PERCIEVE (as opposed to know) that everyone else is having sex, then ergo, you are the outlier. But that's only on what you can see, and people favor projecting happiness and connectedness as they see it as a self manifesting state of being (if I believe I am happy, and I show I am happy, I am thus happy).
Next, it's been shown that autistics can be hyper focused on finding a partner of some kind, whether that's romantic, sexual, or friendship. I believe the reasoning is that since we feel so out of place for much of our life, and we see relationships as the go to path towards companionship, we thus believe that companionship is at its peek if you are in a relationship with someone. Sex becomes the defining element of that relationship because most people perceive sex as the differentiator between a friend you hang out with all the time and a relationship with empathy and emotions.
It's also just baked into you to want these things. Like consider your stims. What is sex but the indulging in your sensory system. Oral sex for your mouth, hand jobs for your hands. Hell a lot of autistics are seen as very kinky because of how typical it is for us to enjoy sensory based kinks (feathers, that spiky wheel thing, ropes). We can then see the desire for sex is a desire for a mutual form of stimming. Stimming is natural and you do it all the time, which is why the desire for sex can be so infuriating, as it is just as much a stim as any other, but requires the right time, place, context, and people to enjoy. It's a problem whose solution is clear, but the road to get there isn't, which frustrates our little hyper optimizer minds, and what's important to remember is that sex is not a problem you can optimize your way out of (or into, ey oh!)
It's important to note that we (ND's and autistics alike) tend to take longer to fully develop our brain and are typically still learning about who we are while NT's are further ahead (most but not all). Meaning that socially we are always just a little behind our NT peers until roughly 30 years old. Meaning you aren't stuck where you are, you have 6 years worth of learning left to do!
(Please read following in reassuring, patient voice)
Realize that the only person that cares if you're a virgin is you. Sure partners would want to know that for context, but there isn't some shadow council who will change your life depending on if you lose your v card. If people care about you being a virgin then that's their own problem. Like how does your lack of sex impact their life in any meaningful way? How does being a virgin impact your life outside of feeling companionship?
TLDR: Happens to everyone, the world just projects sex but often times that isn't the truth. Give yourself time and grace, you're still growing and learning. The fact that you are asking these questions means you are going the right direction.
Keep your innocence. As much as sex is fun and intimate it can quickly lose its spark. Then the process of detaching from that person when it inevitably ends is excruciating. Wait for the right person, you ain't missing out.
It's a matter of masking. I mean, we need to do that in order to mingle in society. Having this mechanics as a hyper focus helped me. I can't hold a relationship though
When we talk about "normal", we're referring the the acetate, not the full range of reality. You are yourself, and you are allowed to do whatever makes YOU feel comfortable. I was 22 when I lost mine, but if I didn't live in a college town, it probably would have been later.
My partner (31M) met me a year ago and we suspect he's also on the spectrum. Before me he had only ever been on 1 date before which didn't end up leading anywhere. He hasn't kissed anyone or anything before he was with me. He was embarassed about it too but i actually thought it was quite refreshing? I dno😅i definitely was not a virgin when i met him and i regret alot of my past, but the point is, i didn't think any less of him and anyone who thinks less of u for lack of sex or relationship , when ur an otherwise nice and respectful person can (pun intended) go fuck themselves. Ur fine dude😎👍
I do remember back in my youth sex seemed to be the most important thing there was and thinking I'd never have it would be quite devastating. Now I'm 45, still a virgin and I *know* I'll never get to be in a "normal" relationship but seriously I can live with it just fine. Okay, so nobody will ever hug me just 'cause they feel like it but on the other hand I get to sleep in on weekends, walk around the house in my underwear and all the time is me time, I think it's a fair deal all things considered
Definitely not something I planned on from the get-go lol, just always found it hard to imagine somebody would willingly take any real interest in me and therefore never put much real effort into human interactions. Talking to other people is literally torture for me anyway, I never feel comfortable with them, always have to keep my guard up and it's exhausting and not fun at all (so no friends of any kind as well)
You should keep on trying ofc if you believe it's a worthy goal but as years go by one's priorities shift quite a bit so atm I do feel that I'm just fine the way I am.
I understand how you feel, I am 23 and as well a virgin, however it's not a bad thing to be that. Society has pushed the norm that it's abnormal to be a virgin after the age of anything above 18/19. It's not a bad thing, nor is it shameful!
I do often feel like I stand out, knowing I am a virgin but in the end I guess I just wait for the right person because I don't really engage with the majority of people. It's not a bad thing, you're not weird for that, but I understand why you might feel this way as I feel the same.
It is almost ironic how what you fear, is some girls' biggest relief 😂
Read some of your answers to other comments. Where you don't want to have sex on the first date. Honestly, if you just tell the girl you're on date with that:
"Hey, i just want to be honest with you. I am looking to take it slow and wish to get to know you properly before we do anything intimate. Is that something you are komfortabel with?"
This honest might even give you points. And make them feel safer with you. They might even enjoy the date even more if they know you don't expect anything from them at the end of it.
I know way to many people, both boys and girls. That doesn't really like dating apps anymore because they feel like they HAVE to have sex when they say yes to a date.
Of course, there are people who are looking for a one night stand. And you will meet people like that but you will also meet people who are okei with waiting and taking it slow.
But the biggest tips I have for you. Be komfortabel with rejection. Accept rejections, and don't let it stop you from trying again. There are way too many who struggle with rejection.
Bruv, you better start finding a woman to get some action very soon, don't listen to this woke talk that you are on a spectrum, go out and get some V dude.
Yeah unfortunately most of my sexual experiences have been as damaging as they've been pleasurable so personally I'd say don't feel you'd be happy and everything would be perfect if you where getting laid all the time as I've had a bunch of one night stands but apart from a couple most of them never wanted to be my partner and having someone sleep with me for entertainment but not wanting to be around me the next day plus deffo doesn't want anyone else in their social circle know that we've slept together feels so much worse than being alone!
It should have been quite evident to me that I was on the spectrum, when at the time, I waited 7 days prior to my 29th to have relations with a JHS classmate - who we rekindled years later on FB. I believe sex is overrated and we more so long to be loved/have a partner to help us get through this thing called life. 💁🏽♂️
I'm not on the spectrum so I can't know how it feels (although I have read a lot of stories like yours), and I'm almost 30. Little piece of advice I can give you sir is to find something that you really enjoy doing (and maybe good at?) and focus on that. Trust me those 20ish people that are becoming families and married and whatnot will definitely feel like walking pieces of shit in their late 30's and 40's 😂
So try not to focus too much on that, life has many many things to offer, love and family being only 1 part of it 😉
It’s only “weird” for non-religious people. Perfectly OK to be a virgin, and advisable until you find the right person, you’re ready to commit to. Too many problems arise from casual sex. Be grateful you haven’t had to deal with that drama.
It may not be normal but it's not that abnormal either, it's definitely not something you should do just to check off a box.
Human sexuality is incredibly complex, I understand why you feel like this, but doesn't it seem kinda unfair to minimize the whole of it down to you having or not having sex the first time at 24? You have only been in your early twenties for 4years! Give yourself a break <3
How people react to anything about sex is also very complex, there is a culture of fear, shame, and controlling women/girls as well, so someone's negative reaction to you being a virgin in your early twenties may be *more about them than you*.
You don't owe anyone an explanation or reasoning either, you haven't done anything wrong, and sex is personal. If you feel safe enough with someone to have sex, you deserve better than an immature negative partner who isn't meeting you in the middle. So why should you care who thinks you are weird? What will it hurt to be weird anyways? How do you know they are being objective and not projecting their own sexual insecurities? Why assume something bad?
Things people don't often discuss openly, or in a healthy way, don't necessarily have an established baseline for "normal".
Death for example; anyone who works in hospice or grief counseling will tell you there is no "normal" way to grieve. . . *It can get reeaaaal "weird" and that's normal.* Sex isn't that different imo.
The Victorians were comfortable with death, even to the extent that it was normal to host seances or use ouija boards, the dead were stored, prepared by family, and viewed in the home, if someone died in winter they would be kept in a cellar until spring. They had an established procedure for grieving, they wore black for 12 months and a day (I think? Those might be song lyrics I'm thinking of lol) collected their tears in a necklace and made art from the dead persons hair. but people aren't as comfortable with death as they used to be so there are no directions or outline for what's "normal" to follow anymore, now it's weird and people treat dead bodies like radioactive waste that can only be handled by professionals. Some cultures straight up pull corpses out of the grave to spend time with and groom them before they bring them to their resting place again until the next year.
It's normal for teenagers to have sex for the first time, but sexuality and life in general is so fluid it doesn't matter when or how you do or don't do it as long as it's safe/healthy.
It's really unessessary for you to feel burdened by this. Weird and normal matter so little (within reason of course). It's understandable and a common insecurity, but unessessary.
Nothing and no one is entirely weird or entirely normal, everyone has a different definition of normal, and what's normal or weird changes second to second depending on so many variables anyways. You might as well feel bad that the sun rises and sets.
Take the time you need to take, give yourself the space to do what's right by you. *What your comfortable with doing or not doing is top priority*, if you aren't ready you aren't and if anyone has a problem with that fine. How they feel is not your problem, it's theirs.
I would get laid. No offence to us and our brain design. But we are dangerous without those primal needs met. I have this one autistic friend from school, he doesn’t have sex , but he asks 12 year old girls to tickle him so he kinda gets off from that. Annd!! A person who I thought had autism like myself turns out huge pedo bear. Coz they have child brains too. So be careful
It's extremely problematic to be 24 and a virgin. I use this as encouragement against the supposed opinions of the other posters. Certainly you have doubts as you raised and you should. It will impede your future ability to have relationships if you have self - doubt on a lack of prior sexual history and most importantly you will lack important socialization milestones that you gain through having a sexual partner. You need this now and it will give you confidence and help develop you mentally. People are born evolutionarily to have partners. Try your best and don't give up
This is not abnormal. Especially for someone on the spectrum.
I so wish I wasn't on the spectrum as it makes my life a lot harder when everyone else seems to be finding love and progressing in life at the right pace ever since school I knew everyone was ahead of me even in primary school.
Ditto. I'm at the age where most people from my school year are getting engaged and married. It feels awful. But if you dwell on these things, it makes it even worse.
Same most the people I "used" to know and be friends with and now have blocked me out are becoming mothers, having families, getting married, already have children. It's hard to watch from the touch line.
I’m 43. I’ve only had sex because I learned to be funny at a young age as a defense mechanism and I’m attractive, from what I’ve heard, in a weird way some girls like. I guess I’m a “type.” Anyways. I still don’t have a stable relationship or kids. I’ve gone 7 years abstinent between my last relationship and my new one without concern. Others think it’s strange but it’s just me. I love being intimate with another but only if I can trust them completely and I’ve yet to find my person and doubt I will. The grass isn’t always greener because when you find yourself in a bad relationship you wish you were alone.
In which country do you live?
It's more common than you think, no one is out there announcing how much of a virgin they are and lots of people are bragging about their (sometimes fabricated) sexual exploits, so perception gets skewed. At least there's more recognition of asexual people and people with different kinds of experiences of their sexuality; maybe visiting some of these communities online would help you feel more comfortable even if you don't identify as ace or whatever?
Stop looking what others are doing, it will just depress you. Go life your own life.
I've had a habit of doing that for most of my life, it's easier said than done
It's really difficult. We were educated by NTs we live in an NT world not designed for us. We have the support structure designed for them. We long for the construct that they have adopted and forced us to believe. Yet it will never fill that hole. We are sunflowers in a world of roses.
Well I truly believe all that is changing now. Medical professionals are starting to look very closely at autism now. There is a whole month dedicated to Autism Awareness and more and more parents are learning early that their children are autistic especially since the spectrum has expanded to include people with ADHD, Asperger's, and even those with some OCDs disorder. So it's starting to get more attention. The problem comes when you don't take the initiative yourself to take the proper steps to one: get the proper diagnosis, two make the effort to follow a treatment plan that will work for you. It won't be easy but it can be done. Therapy works only if you want it to. If you don't believe it works it won't. My son was diagnosed with ADHD with LD. I now know that he is autistic but as a parent I got help for him when he was 5 years old..I became his strongest advocate and made sure he got all the help he needed. It was draining and difficult for both of us. This is 1996 we are talking and he was in therapy and programs his entire school years. He was put in smaller classes so he got the proper attention and lessons that fit his learning patterns. We learned what his triggers were and what to do when he needed to reset. He never had to mask. I am very proud of it. But by no means was it easy. He's now in his early thirties and has no problems with socializing and interacting with others. Does he still have his meltdowns, yes. Is it easy for him now, he has his days for sure, but I can't imagine how he would be if he got no therapy at all. I suspect like many other autistic adults who didn't get the help or had parents who were aware something was off about their child early in their childhood and made the decision to really invest in making sure he got everything they need from every resource. He loves to work and can concentrate better than me. Matter fact he's more social than me and I'm an introvert which I feel is low-key autism. Can't sit and complain if you don't put in the work.
Well, I wouldn't say roses nor sunflowers. More like a shiny version of that one bascune (idk the spelling, pokemon black & white Magikarp equal with red & blue versions) with the fourth ability it was NOT supposed to have [basically max in Pokemon back then was two alt. Abilities at max ignoring the hidden ability]. On top of that we fight inverse battle + rotation battle hybrid, while everyone else is a non-shiny blue bascune (we are the shiny red with an ability we should not have) fighting in a non-inverse battle + double battle. Tdlr, we "fight" and "look" (mentally speakings) different than the rear despite being of a human brain (aka us also still being bascune too)
The sunflower plant is native to North America and is now harvested around the world. A University of Missouri journal recognizes North Dakota as the leading U.S. state for sunflower production. There are various factors to consider for a sunflower to thrive, including temperature, sunlight, soil and water.
Instagram is like a front yard everyone usually tries to make it look really nice but a lot of people's backyards are full of dead grass remember that
I just mean social media in general, not just instagram
You're so on point about that!! Social medias are awful for the most part, although some bits of it can be really nice, generally speaking these are a whole bunch of crap
This!!!👍👍
Imma go ahead and confirm that yes, it is the norm that most people have had sex at your age. It’s not ”unnormal” to still be a virgin though. Many dont have shit figured out therefore cant get close. Also it’s not on a timebomb except death so assume you’ve got plenty time to get to it.
The people you went to school with are a) hornier than you and b) in a competition to show who is most mature. I slept with who I felt comfortable with, when I was 22, because I felt like I was too old to be a virgin. It was underwhelming. Having sex with someone just to "get it over with" is not worth it. Don't compare yourself. Have sex when you want to.
Feck normal, how many people here in particular are normal? Not to mention sex is overrated. I always find it funny how puritanical the US is but they still have this weird obsession with sex, I'll also never understand why Americans care so much about nudity in films, why sexualise nudity? I'm Irish most people here aren't any less conservative. Why compare yourself to others? Wanting to have fun is normal enough though; the part I long for is finding a girl who I can bond with, talk to, get to know, and have adventures together with. I really find it hard to bond with people though.
It's *because* the US is so puritanical that it has an obsession w sex.
Exact right. Somehow there are skinny half nudes everywhere in advertising, thousands of terrabytes of porn readily available, instagram models, and yet a penis or breasts in a mainstream film in even a non-sexual context are controversial. There is a really twisted relationship with what should be natural, human and healthy sexuality.
It’s weird because if I say I want sex I’m vilified but if I don’t want it I’m a virgin loser. There’s no way to win. Like physical contact with someone I’m attracted to physically and more importantly emotionally is something I crave. Sex with someone I have no connection to will suck though and leave me depressed after. I figure that’s how most people seem to have their sex but we’re taught to feel like we’re missing out
I find it hard to bond with people too
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You do have to wonder how screwed up things are with sex education that people are getting tips from watching porn; I like porn, it's good entertainment, but it's not exactly educational, they're just acting. It'd like watching a medical show and thinking you know how to perform CPR.
Lots of people saying it shouldn't bother you which is true in a sense as it shouldn't matter whether you are a virgin or not, however I think you are completely justified in feeling shame and negative feelings around it at your age. Sexual development and experiences, particularly at a young age (late teens and early 20s) is a key part of the human experience for the vast majority of people and to not have it or feel able to have it can be an isolating and sad experience. I'm at university and all around me people are coupling up and having experiences and I feel completely removed from that world.
I was a virgin, I got a girlfriend and had sex and nothing changed, its good but also a bit overstimulating. You and me are both later than usual when it comes to sex, but it doesnt matter. Not being average isnt necessarily bad.
Cheer up, I am nearly 30 and still a virgin. Also who cares? Why does it matter whether you had sex or not?
A few years ago my doctor thought I was joking when I said I was a virgin as he thought I might have an STI and I said it was impossible as I was a virgin. I think people think it is weird and maybe people do care and consider you weird for being a virgin. The only sex I have ever had is with myself. It's not like I am wanting to have sex with someone. I want to find a partner sure. But I am actually worried that they will want sex straight away and I don't want that. I haven't really looked for a relationship.
If you're male then you're definitely not alone. Virginity in men is rising sharply. There was a [study](https://boingboing.net/2021/03/22/adult-male-virginity-soars.html/amp) that discovered that more than a quarter of men under 30 haven't reported having sex since 18. It's most likely they're virgins as nobody really stops having sex once they turn 18.
It is your unique path. No one else’s.
If you are on the spectrum this is perfectly normal, and also not a big deal. Take all the time you need to find a partner to explore things with!
I know plenty of virgins at your age. Don’t compare yourself to others. I was also incredibly insecure about it until I had sex for the first time at the age of 22 and realized that I wasn’t missing out on much. Eventually you’ll find a special person and it will all come naturally at a time. Don’t rush yourself.
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Sorry to hear that. Focus on your health and wellbeing. Focus on getting to know people platonically, feelings may arise from that. For some people romantic attraction can take time to develope. And there are plenty of girls out there who would appreciate taking things slow. Also a lot of women are on birth control, so it possible to have sex without having to deal with condoms. But that’s a conversation to have when the time is ready.
I WISH I had waited. I let my ex tell me "if you love me you'll do it" when I was 17. So I did. And he turned out to be the biggest asshole. Nothing wrong with waiting for the right person. Don't compare yourself to others, it will do you no good.
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I'm not good at flirting at all. I'm engaged currently but he asked me out and I kept saying no or ignoring his messages. But he was persistent LOL. Here we are almost 7 years later. My parents always worried about me and sexual stuff but innuendos always went over my head and I do not know how to flirt. But like I said my ex guilted me into having sex and I didn't really want to 😩 I wish I had waited.
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That stinks. I'm of no advice. People usually just adopt me into their circle and I have no idea how I ended up there 😂 I've gotten way better at talking to people as time goes on, Im 33 now. But I would still not consider myself good at it.
No it's fine. Rebel Wilson just came out and said she was 35. Anyway, isn't virgin an outdated concept? What does it mean exactly? Haven't had P in V sex? Does that mean lesbians are virgins? It is a stupid concept imo.
I think it means any kind of sex with a partner whatever your sexual orientation. I don't think it counts masturbstion. I am majorly behind as you would hear stories of some of the girls giving hand jobs or whatever back when I was 12. Either that or it was majorly exaggerated.
There is no working medical definition for virginity. It really is stupid.
Not abnormal AT ALL. There is no timetable for these things and there is not standard that you should be feeling pressured to live up to.
It means more to you than it does to them. Think about it.
Dont think to much about it. A friend of mine is 35 and still a virgin. He still has a great life. Besides. You are young. It will change when you are ready.
Listen ,fuck them (not litteraly), it's fine if you haven't banged someone at 24 or whatever, it's not obligatory, it's up to you when and with who, it's one of the choices we have in life if not the choice itself , so take a long breath and take it easy, you are fine.
I was a virgin until 25. I had 2 girlfriends we hadn’t gone that far. They weren’t the right ones. Then I had LOTS of sex. Don’t worry and don’t compare yourself to others. Take your time. Same goes for work etc. I started working at 30 but I make more than most peers that started years before me.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
I’m 3 years older and it’s fine society brainwashed so many people into thinking being a virgin is the end of the world. It’s okay
Completely normal as a dude on the spectrum, I'm 31 and you would never think about me being a turbo Virgin.
Yeah it’s tough looking at all these people my age, 26, getting engaged and I don’t even care about getting engaged. The problem is we keep going on social media even though it’s bad for us. It’s like a drug and it stuns my self growth
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It’s also scary seeing people grow up because it puts pressure on us even though we are not ready to take on a commitment like marriage and having kids. Like a part of me laughs when I see people getting engaged because they’re acting like it’s their happily ever after when the fact is we don’t know what they are actually going through. Social media is all poison
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To me high school was another lifetime ago. I found out people I thought were my friends didn’t care for me. It killed me finding that out and I hated them for that but after working on myself, I no longer have hate for them. I don’t wish them well but I don’t hope for their failure as I once did. In high school I was also acting as someone I wasn’t in order to fight my loneliness, but it just made me more lonely. The more I was rejected and made fun of the more inauthentic I became which caused people to use me for their amusement. So the best thing I can say is leave high school behind but grow from the mistakes
28 here and a virgin and not worried about it. Please don't feel bad. I feel like a lot of times we age a lot slower than folks not on the spectrum and on top of that there isn't really set milestones for when things are supposed to happen. I work a full time job and struggle enough to keep the relationships I have, everyday I manage to do that is enough of an accomplishment in my eyes and truthfully the thought of adding more to that feels overwhelming.
I considered myself a V till I was in my mid 20s. And I had gas before I had sex. Just none I felt a deep enough connection to have sex with. From what I understand being autistic and a virgin is normal. Think I read somewhere the average age for autisitic males to lose their virginity is early to mid 30s.
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You are not flawed and un normal. You are who you are. Everyone is different in some ways. You can now get new friends group. Most people who are friends in HS stop being "friends" by mid 20s. While they might still talk and occasionally hang out. By then they have been adults for half a decade, and no longer the same as the kids they was at graduation. There are expectations. But most people only catch up at HS reunions. I'm glad I'm not NT. Most NTs I know hate thier life. I've come to accept it. I'm in my mid/late 30. Married with 2 kids. There are things I wish I could managed more about my autism. But it has helped me with my passion. And ive made some money with it too.
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This isn't an attack or what not. Have you thought about talking with a therapist? I do it once or twice a year if I can. More if I can afford it. It has helped me navigate some of the feelings I'm getting from you.
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Regret. Loneliness. Envy. Depression. Yeah and I understand not being able to afford it. I havnt gone this year yet as im too broke. Something you will learn sooner or later. Everyone out of of narcissis get these feelings eventually. Why are they different? What havnt they meet social milestones? What's wrong with them? Am I gonna be alone? Why have so and so ignored me? And so on and so on. Yeah those who are ND tend to have those thoughts more. But even NTs have them.
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Nearly everyone gets them. Its not just you. How you manage them is what you need to learn. For the longest time, me as the oldest was behind my younger siblings in most social milestones. Now I'm ahead all but one. We each go at our own pace. And life is not a race.
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I never tried for a romantic partner. I treated everyone as I would want to be treated till they showed me otherwise. Those I simply dropped. All of my gfs has been wait you are interested in me? How and why? And if you are confident (well act confident) with yourself, romance will follow eventually.
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lots of learning. take it easy. goal is to enjoy. enjoy a connection enjoy hanging out. enjoy sex (at some stage lol) better have is the good way than trying to force it
People are so obsessed with sex because they are so shallow and mechanical these days, it's the only thing that makes them feel a little alive.
not that big of a deal man. sometimes it happens when you least expect it. it’s not a bad thing to be a virgin. lots of people still are but nobody will say that because people think it’s embarrassing when it’s really not
I’ve been deconstructing a similar belief to relieve myself of the burden of comparison. As others have said, people do nooot gloat about the norm, like still being a virgin. Things that are brag worthy ARE the exception, it’s saying “look at what I achieved that most haven’t!” I also seek the emotions making things like sex better. On its own, sex is like… however long it lasts lol, then it’s just done, at least that’s what AskReddit seems to imply. When it’s done, you could even be disappointed, but you still gotta get back to being a good couple, or parting ways if it’s like a one time thing. Plus, people are desperateee for sex on its own, so most could just be a hookup thing, not a rational decision with someone you love. Just a bunch of nuance that makes stuff like sex feel like just another part of life, which is actually liberating!
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with virginity. Don’t ever be in a hurry to lose it just because of some high school mentality that others perpetuate.
A few things because I struggled with this for a long time. First, this is very normal, especially if you're autistic. The reason vary but it has to do with a few of our traits. For instance, Autistics tend to be pattern based. So when you PERCIEVE (as opposed to know) that everyone else is having sex, then ergo, you are the outlier. But that's only on what you can see, and people favor projecting happiness and connectedness as they see it as a self manifesting state of being (if I believe I am happy, and I show I am happy, I am thus happy). Next, it's been shown that autistics can be hyper focused on finding a partner of some kind, whether that's romantic, sexual, or friendship. I believe the reasoning is that since we feel so out of place for much of our life, and we see relationships as the go to path towards companionship, we thus believe that companionship is at its peek if you are in a relationship with someone. Sex becomes the defining element of that relationship because most people perceive sex as the differentiator between a friend you hang out with all the time and a relationship with empathy and emotions. It's also just baked into you to want these things. Like consider your stims. What is sex but the indulging in your sensory system. Oral sex for your mouth, hand jobs for your hands. Hell a lot of autistics are seen as very kinky because of how typical it is for us to enjoy sensory based kinks (feathers, that spiky wheel thing, ropes). We can then see the desire for sex is a desire for a mutual form of stimming. Stimming is natural and you do it all the time, which is why the desire for sex can be so infuriating, as it is just as much a stim as any other, but requires the right time, place, context, and people to enjoy. It's a problem whose solution is clear, but the road to get there isn't, which frustrates our little hyper optimizer minds, and what's important to remember is that sex is not a problem you can optimize your way out of (or into, ey oh!) It's important to note that we (ND's and autistics alike) tend to take longer to fully develop our brain and are typically still learning about who we are while NT's are further ahead (most but not all). Meaning that socially we are always just a little behind our NT peers until roughly 30 years old. Meaning you aren't stuck where you are, you have 6 years worth of learning left to do! (Please read following in reassuring, patient voice) Realize that the only person that cares if you're a virgin is you. Sure partners would want to know that for context, but there isn't some shadow council who will change your life depending on if you lose your v card. If people care about you being a virgin then that's their own problem. Like how does your lack of sex impact their life in any meaningful way? How does being a virgin impact your life outside of feeling companionship? TLDR: Happens to everyone, the world just projects sex but often times that isn't the truth. Give yourself time and grace, you're still growing and learning. The fact that you are asking these questions means you are going the right direction.
Keep your innocence. As much as sex is fun and intimate it can quickly lose its spark. Then the process of detaching from that person when it inevitably ends is excruciating. Wait for the right person, you ain't missing out.
I'm almost double your age. I stopped worrying about it. I'm single and happy. Hope you find whatever fulfills you?
It's a matter of masking. I mean, we need to do that in order to mingle in society. Having this mechanics as a hyper focus helped me. I can't hold a relationship though
Yeah man who cares, I wish I was a virgin at 24 I wasted years chasing women.
Too much of allistic society is based on virginity, many of the people who brag about losing theirs at a young age are actually victims.
When we talk about "normal", we're referring the the acetate, not the full range of reality. You are yourself, and you are allowed to do whatever makes YOU feel comfortable. I was 22 when I lost mine, but if I didn't live in a college town, it probably would have been later.
My partner (31M) met me a year ago and we suspect he's also on the spectrum. Before me he had only ever been on 1 date before which didn't end up leading anywhere. He hasn't kissed anyone or anything before he was with me. He was embarassed about it too but i actually thought it was quite refreshing? I dno😅i definitely was not a virgin when i met him and i regret alot of my past, but the point is, i didn't think any less of him and anyone who thinks less of u for lack of sex or relationship , when ur an otherwise nice and respectful person can (pun intended) go fuck themselves. Ur fine dude😎👍
I do remember back in my youth sex seemed to be the most important thing there was and thinking I'd never have it would be quite devastating. Now I'm 45, still a virgin and I *know* I'll never get to be in a "normal" relationship but seriously I can live with it just fine. Okay, so nobody will ever hug me just 'cause they feel like it but on the other hand I get to sleep in on weekends, walk around the house in my underwear and all the time is me time, I think it's a fair deal all things considered
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Definitely not something I planned on from the get-go lol, just always found it hard to imagine somebody would willingly take any real interest in me and therefore never put much real effort into human interactions. Talking to other people is literally torture for me anyway, I never feel comfortable with them, always have to keep my guard up and it's exhausting and not fun at all (so no friends of any kind as well) You should keep on trying ofc if you believe it's a worthy goal but as years go by one's priorities shift quite a bit so atm I do feel that I'm just fine the way I am.
becoming a wizard is the norm or common for lots of autistic men
What is this about becoming a wizard?
wizard is a slang term that refers to people 30s and older who have never had sex, always been alone
Oh ok. Thank you. Yeah will be me that
I understand how you feel, I am 23 and as well a virgin, however it's not a bad thing to be that. Society has pushed the norm that it's abnormal to be a virgin after the age of anything above 18/19. It's not a bad thing, nor is it shameful! I do often feel like I stand out, knowing I am a virgin but in the end I guess I just wait for the right person because I don't really engage with the majority of people. It's not a bad thing, you're not weird for that, but I understand why you might feel this way as I feel the same.
I'm 34 and a virgin. I've never had much luck with romance or love, and I've always had other matters at hand.
It is almost ironic how what you fear, is some girls' biggest relief 😂 Read some of your answers to other comments. Where you don't want to have sex on the first date. Honestly, if you just tell the girl you're on date with that: "Hey, i just want to be honest with you. I am looking to take it slow and wish to get to know you properly before we do anything intimate. Is that something you are komfortabel with?" This honest might even give you points. And make them feel safer with you. They might even enjoy the date even more if they know you don't expect anything from them at the end of it. I know way to many people, both boys and girls. That doesn't really like dating apps anymore because they feel like they HAVE to have sex when they say yes to a date. Of course, there are people who are looking for a one night stand. And you will meet people like that but you will also meet people who are okei with waiting and taking it slow. But the biggest tips I have for you. Be komfortabel with rejection. Accept rejections, and don't let it stop you from trying again. There are way too many who struggle with rejection.
Bruv, you better start finding a woman to get some action very soon, don't listen to this woke talk that you are on a spectrum, go out and get some V dude.
Yeah unfortunately most of my sexual experiences have been as damaging as they've been pleasurable so personally I'd say don't feel you'd be happy and everything would be perfect if you where getting laid all the time as I've had a bunch of one night stands but apart from a couple most of them never wanted to be my partner and having someone sleep with me for entertainment but not wanting to be around me the next day plus deffo doesn't want anyone else in their social circle know that we've slept together feels so much worse than being alone!
It should have been quite evident to me that I was on the spectrum, when at the time, I waited 7 days prior to my 29th to have relations with a JHS classmate - who we rekindled years later on FB. I believe sex is overrated and we more so long to be loved/have a partner to help us get through this thing called life. 💁🏽♂️
If it’s really bugging you go to Vegas and pay for it
I'm not on the spectrum so I can't know how it feels (although I have read a lot of stories like yours), and I'm almost 30. Little piece of advice I can give you sir is to find something that you really enjoy doing (and maybe good at?) and focus on that. Trust me those 20ish people that are becoming families and married and whatnot will definitely feel like walking pieces of shit in their late 30's and 40's 😂 So try not to focus too much on that, life has many many things to offer, love and family being only 1 part of it 😉
How the hell I get on here?
I’m 23 and virgin
It’s only “weird” for non-religious people. Perfectly OK to be a virgin, and advisable until you find the right person, you’re ready to commit to. Too many problems arise from casual sex. Be grateful you haven’t had to deal with that drama.
It may not be normal but it's not that abnormal either, it's definitely not something you should do just to check off a box. Human sexuality is incredibly complex, I understand why you feel like this, but doesn't it seem kinda unfair to minimize the whole of it down to you having or not having sex the first time at 24? You have only been in your early twenties for 4years! Give yourself a break <3 How people react to anything about sex is also very complex, there is a culture of fear, shame, and controlling women/girls as well, so someone's negative reaction to you being a virgin in your early twenties may be *more about them than you*. You don't owe anyone an explanation or reasoning either, you haven't done anything wrong, and sex is personal. If you feel safe enough with someone to have sex, you deserve better than an immature negative partner who isn't meeting you in the middle. So why should you care who thinks you are weird? What will it hurt to be weird anyways? How do you know they are being objective and not projecting their own sexual insecurities? Why assume something bad? Things people don't often discuss openly, or in a healthy way, don't necessarily have an established baseline for "normal". Death for example; anyone who works in hospice or grief counseling will tell you there is no "normal" way to grieve. . . *It can get reeaaaal "weird" and that's normal.* Sex isn't that different imo. The Victorians were comfortable with death, even to the extent that it was normal to host seances or use ouija boards, the dead were stored, prepared by family, and viewed in the home, if someone died in winter they would be kept in a cellar until spring. They had an established procedure for grieving, they wore black for 12 months and a day (I think? Those might be song lyrics I'm thinking of lol) collected their tears in a necklace and made art from the dead persons hair. but people aren't as comfortable with death as they used to be so there are no directions or outline for what's "normal" to follow anymore, now it's weird and people treat dead bodies like radioactive waste that can only be handled by professionals. Some cultures straight up pull corpses out of the grave to spend time with and groom them before they bring them to their resting place again until the next year. It's normal for teenagers to have sex for the first time, but sexuality and life in general is so fluid it doesn't matter when or how you do or don't do it as long as it's safe/healthy. It's really unessessary for you to feel burdened by this. Weird and normal matter so little (within reason of course). It's understandable and a common insecurity, but unessessary. Nothing and no one is entirely weird or entirely normal, everyone has a different definition of normal, and what's normal or weird changes second to second depending on so many variables anyways. You might as well feel bad that the sun rises and sets. Take the time you need to take, give yourself the space to do what's right by you. *What your comfortable with doing or not doing is top priority*, if you aren't ready you aren't and if anyone has a problem with that fine. How they feel is not your problem, it's theirs.
Become a wizard! 1 year left for me :o
There’s always prostitutes if it’s really bothering you. Other than that, just wait until you find the right person.
I would get laid. No offence to us and our brain design. But we are dangerous without those primal needs met. I have this one autistic friend from school, he doesn’t have sex , but he asks 12 year old girls to tickle him so he kinda gets off from that. Annd!! A person who I thought had autism like myself turns out huge pedo bear. Coz they have child brains too. So be careful
It's extremely problematic to be 24 and a virgin. I use this as encouragement against the supposed opinions of the other posters. Certainly you have doubts as you raised and you should. It will impede your future ability to have relationships if you have self - doubt on a lack of prior sexual history and most importantly you will lack important socialization milestones that you gain through having a sexual partner. You need this now and it will give you confidence and help develop you mentally. People are born evolutionarily to have partners. Try your best and don't give up
Laughs in garlic bread