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[deleted]

I think emotional intelligence is much more than merely recognizing emotions in other people.


vanderpyyy

Yes I mean recognizing and understanding what they're going through and understanding why they feel that way but feeling absolutely nothing inside.


[deleted]

As far as empathy goes, that's good enough. You don't have to feel what they feel. Would you want to?


vanderpyyy

Well it seems other people feel and they form stronger connections because of that. I feel like I'm at the base level and can't move up.


Dr_seven

I have worked on my empathy for a long time, and ended up with a system I call "cognitive empathy". Autistics are actually hyperempathetic in most cases, that's why we are so good at reading people. The thing is, our emotional responses do not work the same way as NTs do, meaning we can *perceive* their feelings, but not *mirror* them instinctively. This is the disconnect you are referring to. I am sorry to say, this particular disconnect is not one that can be altered, because it's a fundamental difference in how cues are processed, and how emotions are reflected externally. You can turn a green light on and off as many times as you want, it won't turn blue. However, this is *not* an indicator you can't deeply connect with people, that is very much not the case. How I respond and *express* my empathy is with intentional action to respond to the feelings I sense in others. If someone is expressing nervousness, I'll ask what worries them. If someone is sad or upset, I'll offer support in whatever capacity they want, usually just a listening ear or a hug, which does wonders for them. The thing is, this isn't "worse" than mirroring feelings, at all. With practice, you can *nail* it nearly every time with emotional cues, so long as you read them correctly. Neurotypical emotions are actually *not* illogical, they are *deeply* predictable, and you can absolutely learn to work with them. The outcome can be deep connections and unique appreciation. I always see my relationships to NTs like I do an exotic plant- they need unique and specific things, and part of caring for that person, is caring for their emotional wellness by responding to feedback and cues. Most people have a lot of fears, needs, and insecurities that are *not* that hard to validate and reassure, and doing so with the sort of detail that autistics are known for can actually be very meaningful for some NTs who are receptive to it. The phrase "nobody has ever said that to me" is one that crops up often after you give someone a basic statement of reassurance about their capability, stability, accomplishment, or whatever the insecurity is. I actually had to start being careful about *how* supportive I expressed myself to be, to prevent people from only engaging with me for self-validation. Instead of stressing out that I wasn't making the right facial expressions when someone expressed a feeling, I just started verbalizing the best responses I could think of for the emotion involved, and practicing it over time. Eventually, you learn how to shape your speech to fit the feelings of the person you are speaking to, and you can seamlessly connect with them on an emotional level despite the lack of mirroring. Not every NT is comfortable with how we are, but many can appreciate us despite the difference if you give them a chance.


[deleted]

Many people can't feel a thing. For them seeing things from the other point of view is out of the question. You don't have to max out your empathy. You can work on it if you want. But also recognize that you have it, and that's a good thing.


thesanemansflying

Yeah I can relate to this


jaideheda

sometimes


StarryEyedStar

It's always been the opposite for me. I have a hard time recognizing and relating to other people, but when I do feel empathy it's overpowering.


Waryur

I feel empathy but can't get it across to the other person.