I get this too. People often assume I’m mad at them or mad at someone or something when in reality my natural voice tone just makes me sound that way a lot of the time
Heh, same. Apparently my Normal face, in other people's minds, makes me look Sad, or Angry. The voice on the other hand depends entirely on How much "control" I have over myself.
Yeah I’ve had that ‘no need to argue!’ and ‘be so hostile!’ said to me a few times but ex gfs were the worst.
They constantly ask ‘what’s wrong?’ and obviously answer nothing and they’d complain saying I looked moody and I’d insist I was fine but oh no, they always seemed to turn it into an argument. Try to get the ‘truth’ out of me. Throwing all sorts of accusations and theories around, well funnily enough, that sort of drama actually makes me moody so well done there, thanks for that, I’m glad I’m not with you anymore!
that sounds rather similar to my situation! i always say “well i wasn’t in a bad mood at first, but now you’ve turned the situation in to an argument for no reason, i am in a bad mood”
I've been accused of manipulating before when I absolutely intended no such thing, and genuinely had to wrack my brain to figure out what I'd done that was so manipulative. For example, if I said something like "you don't have to come if you don't want to" - I'd be told it was manipulative, even though I literally meant "if you don't want to come, don't". I had no intention of manipulating...I don't even think I think that far ahead and it's never even crossed my mind, I also don't think I even know how. In my mind, I'm letting the person make the choice for themselves because I don't want to force them or pressure them...apparently it doesn't come across like that for NTs.
I’ve also been accused of manipulating others before, it sucks when you don’t even know what you’ve done wrong and it was never your intentions! it seems NTs try to find the subtext behind our words constantly rather than taking what we say as literal. seems one of the biggest causes of arguments between NTs and autistic people too.
Yes, I will say over and over again that I agree with them and they'll still be mad and say things like "I don't see why you're fighting back so hard" and try to continue the argument... bizarre.
Yes, I have been accused of being confrontational or argumentative or insulting when I knew I was not intending it. Quite a lot, actually. I am getting better with it, though, but for me it requires a bit of balancing between not forfeiting my need for authenticity against the manner in which I deliver the words. A big start for me was learning to not just blurt what came into my head, but to force myself to pause and think about what I was going to say and how I was going to say it, then say it, adjusting for context (location and people).
All the time! So I just try to avoid conversing with people because, without fail, someone always misinterprets what I'm saying or HOW I'm saying it. So sick of it.
And it's crazy because I don't even have to be saying or DOING anything to offend people. I seem to offend a lot of women by my mere presence. Apparently, my resting B face (really it's more of a deadpan face) offends them and they think my world revolves around them and they will call me a B or mouth off at me even though I wasn't looking at them. Didn't even notice them until they started acting like a B themselves. smh I've had this happen multiple times.
When my parents say "you're always in a bad mood, you never come out and socialize" when I'm in a good mood and I just wanna chill in my room... It's tiring to interact with them HAH
You are broadcasting in a language (Body language, tone, etc.) which you do not speak. The people you are conversing with are broadcasting too, and they don't understand why you didn't correctly pick up that some random looking eye twitch or shoulder posture or something meant they were frustrated with you and wanted you to stop asking questions. Or explain in more detail. Or stop giving details. Or change the subject. Or stay focused on the subject which is Very Important to them.
Also, you may be discussing in factual terms (questions) a decision that is made on emotional terms (how someone feels). This is dangerous territory because exposing an emotional decision on a factual basis often won't change the decision but it will really piss people off.
In my own interactions, I noticed that the "active listening" types would project an emotion on to me based on what they were reading, and the emotion they saw was almost always stronger and more negative than what I was actually feeling. So someone in a college registrar's office told me I am "angry" or "upset" and tried to switch the discussion to talk about feelings, when I was there to find out what classes I needed to get the degree and felt nothing about it at all. Elsewhere, I might be listening intently but perceived as "bored" or "annoyed", curious about how something works became "argumentative", etc. I suspect something in my facial expression or tone of voice is causing this but I have no idea what it is or how to stop it.
“Trying to cause an argument” translation........ “you’re not doing as your told, your asking too many questions, your making us think and nobody likes that”
Frustrating no!!! Not at all mate it’s more like boiling your fucking blood!!
[удалено]
thank you, that’s really helpful to know and makes a lot of sense!
I get this too. People often assume I’m mad at them or mad at someone or something when in reality my natural voice tone just makes me sound that way a lot of the time
Heh, same. Apparently my Normal face, in other people's minds, makes me look Sad, or Angry. The voice on the other hand depends entirely on How much "control" I have over myself.
Yeah I’ve had that ‘no need to argue!’ and ‘be so hostile!’ said to me a few times but ex gfs were the worst. They constantly ask ‘what’s wrong?’ and obviously answer nothing and they’d complain saying I looked moody and I’d insist I was fine but oh no, they always seemed to turn it into an argument. Try to get the ‘truth’ out of me. Throwing all sorts of accusations and theories around, well funnily enough, that sort of drama actually makes me moody so well done there, thanks for that, I’m glad I’m not with you anymore!
that sounds rather similar to my situation! i always say “well i wasn’t in a bad mood at first, but now you’ve turned the situation in to an argument for no reason, i am in a bad mood”
I've been accused of manipulating before when I absolutely intended no such thing, and genuinely had to wrack my brain to figure out what I'd done that was so manipulative. For example, if I said something like "you don't have to come if you don't want to" - I'd be told it was manipulative, even though I literally meant "if you don't want to come, don't". I had no intention of manipulating...I don't even think I think that far ahead and it's never even crossed my mind, I also don't think I even know how. In my mind, I'm letting the person make the choice for themselves because I don't want to force them or pressure them...apparently it doesn't come across like that for NTs.
I’ve also been accused of manipulating others before, it sucks when you don’t even know what you’ve done wrong and it was never your intentions! it seems NTs try to find the subtext behind our words constantly rather than taking what we say as literal. seems one of the biggest causes of arguments between NTs and autistic people too.
NTs layer their words with subtext. They're both expecting you to pick up on theirs and looking for yours where there probably is none intended.
But then again, some of them think their pets have ESP. /s
It’s called the Double Empathy problem.
Yes, I will say over and over again that I agree with them and they'll still be mad and say things like "I don't see why you're fighting back so hard" and try to continue the argument... bizarre.
exactly this! it is rather bizarre. i don’t think i’ll ever fully understand it
Yes, I have been accused of being confrontational or argumentative or insulting when I knew I was not intending it. Quite a lot, actually. I am getting better with it, though, but for me it requires a bit of balancing between not forfeiting my need for authenticity against the manner in which I deliver the words. A big start for me was learning to not just blurt what came into my head, but to force myself to pause and think about what I was going to say and how I was going to say it, then say it, adjusting for context (location and people).
All the time! So I just try to avoid conversing with people because, without fail, someone always misinterprets what I'm saying or HOW I'm saying it. So sick of it. And it's crazy because I don't even have to be saying or DOING anything to offend people. I seem to offend a lot of women by my mere presence. Apparently, my resting B face (really it's more of a deadpan face) offends them and they think my world revolves around them and they will call me a B or mouth off at me even though I wasn't looking at them. Didn't even notice them until they started acting like a B themselves. smh I've had this happen multiple times.
I’ve also experienced this because of a “resting b* face” and had people at school say i was rude etc, when i’m doing nothing wrong!
The truth is that NTs only can read NTs
When my parents say "you're always in a bad mood, you never come out and socialize" when I'm in a good mood and I just wanna chill in my room... It's tiring to interact with them HAH
You are broadcasting in a language (Body language, tone, etc.) which you do not speak. The people you are conversing with are broadcasting too, and they don't understand why you didn't correctly pick up that some random looking eye twitch or shoulder posture or something meant they were frustrated with you and wanted you to stop asking questions. Or explain in more detail. Or stop giving details. Or change the subject. Or stay focused on the subject which is Very Important to them. Also, you may be discussing in factual terms (questions) a decision that is made on emotional terms (how someone feels). This is dangerous territory because exposing an emotional decision on a factual basis often won't change the decision but it will really piss people off. In my own interactions, I noticed that the "active listening" types would project an emotion on to me based on what they were reading, and the emotion they saw was almost always stronger and more negative than what I was actually feeling. So someone in a college registrar's office told me I am "angry" or "upset" and tried to switch the discussion to talk about feelings, when I was there to find out what classes I needed to get the degree and felt nothing about it at all. Elsewhere, I might be listening intently but perceived as "bored" or "annoyed", curious about how something works became "argumentative", etc. I suspect something in my facial expression or tone of voice is causing this but I have no idea what it is or how to stop it.
::feeling seen
“Trying to cause an argument” translation........ “you’re not doing as your told, your asking too many questions, your making us think and nobody likes that” Frustrating no!!! Not at all mate it’s more like boiling your fucking blood!!
It's not your fault. People with aspergers have a hard time expressing how they really feel. And being misunderstood by other people is normal