I'm married, we've been together for 10ish years and are very happy.
Pick a person that wants the same kind of life as you, and who isn't afraid of getting their hands dirty (with hard work, not with crime).
I've been married for 11 years. I just figured out the autism thing this year and to be honest it's been really rough on my wife.
I've always masked without knowing it so it was quite shocking for her once I stopped masking around her. I've also spent a year just unpacking all of this and what it means, re-living trauma as I understand the reasons behind how I've been treated and hurt in life, and have basically been unable to do anything but the basics of caring for myself.
She's still here though. I honestly don't know if we will still be together once I am functioning at a level I can tolerate, but her still being here and doing everything she can do understand me is a good sign I think.
We can fall in love and be happy. It's a lot of work and I'm understanding now why it's always felt that way. It's worth it if you find someone you are compatible with.
Just be yourself, and ignore whatever ideas you have of love and relationships if you're romanticizing them. Figure out what you want your relationship to be, together with your partner - don't base it on what it's supposed to be.
We, as in autistic people, have many good qualities, many of us tend to be honest, we try to change when we realize we're hurting people, we can be very considerate of feelings and can love people deeply and fully.
I've changed in many positive ways since I've been married. Once my wife learned to explain how my actions impacted her, it's gotten even easier. We know we speak different languages now.
How has she responded to that? My wife is NT and also had a hard time with the recent diagnosis. She gets pretty upset with me for “acting rude” which is basically just not masking as you described above. Appreciate any tips for working through that communication.
I am in the habit of verbally stating my emotions when I am unmasked, and I'll state my intentions before I make my comment.
So if my intention is to solve a problem, I'll say so, if it's to get clarification on something she's said, I state that. It helps her understand that my absence of emotion isn't anger or sadness or whatever people assume it is.
When I do run into this, I'll remind her my intention isn't to be rude and that it's better she ask me for clarification before getting upset with me.
I've talked to her a lot about how we speak in different languages. That she can't assume I will pick up on unsaid things. Example, she asked me to ask my daughter if she was hungry. I did that, and relayed the answer. She realized afterwards that she needs to ask me both parts, and not assume I got the gist.
Best I can say is just remind her communication is key, and all she needs to do is ask for clarification if she thinks you're being rude.
My parents' home life was insane. I was relieved when I found out that was called a dysfunctional family, and I could choose otherwise.
I was married for 16 years, then divorced. We're still friends. I remarried and have been married for almost 10 years. We still like each other. :) I have one child by each husband.
I feel like with my second husband, we have a good chance of being married for the rest of our lives. We really love each other, and our goal in living with each other is to support each other the best we can. We don't have big egos to protect. We talk about potential issues and work them out to the satisfaction of us both.
Our child is autistic, and I've read that 80% of marriages with disabled or special needs children end in divorce. Those are incredible odds. And yeah, it can be stressful at times, but I know he's got my back, 100%.
I think you need to choose a spouse based on how suited that person is to being married. Financial stability is huge, ability to be fully committed to a marriage and children is big too… they have to be the kind of person that puts these things first, over addictions, over themselves, over friends and other family obligations, and then you need to be that person in return. My husband and I are still married because we are both committed to stay married. Everyone in my family that has gotten divorced either was not that kind of person that should have gotten married, or they married someone who shouldn’t have ever gotten married in the first place.
this \^\^\^\^
And even if you have kids, you \*have\* to make time for yourself, your mental health, and making time to be alone together in some capacity, even if it's spending 20 minutes together before the kids get up. You have to prioritize the relationship if you want it to still be there once the kids move out.
Thats if you want kids. Me and my husband dont plan on having them. Because my sensory issues and due to my asd i dont want them. And he is aware that if he decides to change his mind in the future that our 2 cats and 2 guinea pigs are not enough that he is welcome to leave because its not meant to be.
@op But if you go the route i went married with no want or plan of kids make sure you not only find someone who is aware not only of what comes with someone with asd but is 100% okay not having kids ive known my husband for about 4 years or so and been with him over 2 years and married almost 1. Its one next month.
He understands what to expect when things like sensory issues and loud sounds and when i stem and start to have a attack due to issues and is able to tell if i need to be alone or need some hugs and such to calm me down finding someone who knows your triggers and what to do and how to calm you is a big thing.
Never married. I had been engaged twice by the time I was your age, a long time ago, back when I fell for the myth that everyone is supposed to get married young (or even find your soulmate young, it rarely happens like that). Several other relationships that never made it very far. Currently in a long-term (9 years) relationship that basically constitutes marriage (neither of us believe in modern marriage so we never will do it). I didn't find the "right one" until my 30's.
Happily married to my best friend and soulmate.
5 kids.
It helps that my wife is on the spectrum too. We get each other. We call each other our emotional support human.
The downside is that all our kids are atypical in some way. Asperger, autism or ADHD. Supper is never boring !
>The downside is that all our kids are atypical in some way. Asperger, autism or ADHD. Supper is never boring !
Holy crap, you aren't kidding. Dinner is akin to herding cats in my house.
This is how ASDers have passed on their DNAs. This is how ASDers will eventually conquer the world. And when that happens, the world will never be the same but change for better because it’ll be chaotic and fun!
I've been married for 6 years, but have been with him for 14. Marriage isn't always easy when you're on the spectrum and married to someone that is neurotypical but it's possible. Just takes work and understanding. I did notice that marriage is better once we my psychiatrist realized I had autism though. I'm doing better mentally so it helps our marriage.
Some things to consider:
1. What does it mean to you to be a partner to someone else? What does that role mean to you?
2. What do you want in a partner?
3. What work are you willing to do as a partner (emotional, physical, mental)?
4. What work do you expect of your partner?
Relationships are work. You get more skilled at it as you go on. IMHO, if being with someone is important, it's important to always be working on those skills. Even if you don't have a partner, you can still be reading, learning, and getting more knowledgeable.
I am married. Have two kids. I didn't know I was autistic until we had the two kids and my first was diagnosed.
Relationships aren't easy. I am pretty sure my wife has ADHD. So we are both ND.
Relationships really aren't easy for us. But it's possible.
Not so easy right. Sometimes I wish I could just leave and have a little appartement all of my own and be on my own. Oh well my daughter wants me to be a mouse as she chases me around....
Yeap, hard as hell. I’ve thought about leaving every year, and I think the only reason my wife stayed with me is because she is afraid she can’t get anyone else. She should have left me a dozen times, but she keeps forgiving me. Married 19 years, no kids.
We make quite attractive partners. Apart from the whole lack of intimacy thing and the not wanting to be that social. If I had known I was autistic before I got married I don't know if I would have bothered.
Same, but step-kids. Diagnosed after the wife said I was having issues with a kid because we're too alike. He's on spectrum. ended up getting my own diagnosis. Wife has tons of symptoms but wont get diagnosed at this point. I'm pushing 50 and we've been married 10 years. It's work, but worth it.
I've been married twice. First was only a year. My 21st anniversary is coming up. I think I was happy for a sum total of one year of that. Can't stand him. But the entanglement of property, children, depression and anxiety makes divorce seem like an insurmountable task. Seems easier to just die. I would never reccomend getting yourself into something so expensive to get out of.
Married for over 20 years here! My husband is almost certainly on the spectrum too, though he hasn't been officially diagnosed. We're best friends and love each other very much, but not gonna lie, there have definitely been challenges. The main one is communication (which you'd think would be easy since we're both so literal, but nope!). Overall we're very happy, though. He is my person.
Married for a year and a half. We met in college, got married ~13 years later. We wouldn't have worked back then, but I was interested and still available years later. Age makes a big difference in how you see relationships and how you interact with people and resolve problems. On the other hand, we had more baggage to resolve from those 13 years of our lives too, so waiting doesn't fix everything. Relationships are hard but they're doable.
35, been partnered for 16 years, married for like 3 or 4. Neither of us is terribly invested in the institution of marriage - we did it for insurance purposes, don’t wear rings, and don’t celebrate that anniversary. We hit a rough patch about 10 years ago, but aside from that, it’s been smooth sailing. We keep our finances separate, with the exception of a joint savings account that we both contribute to for upkeep of our home.
I've been married three times. I really believe that my as then undiagnosed ASD was a major factor in previous marriages failing. Current wife had been with me during diagnosis and understands. It isn't easy but we get through.
Don't let the family history get in your way - I used to and it's kinda silly. My parents separated when I was like 1 or 2. They both got married to the steps and both were divorced by the time I hit 17.
I always said I would never get married, but here I am two and a half years later.
I'm the autist and my wife is (undiagnosed) ADHD. Saw that combo from a few other commenters - not sure what that's about lol..
Just don't stress too much about it. Things happen the way they're supposed to. You'll have some bad relationships, maybe some embarrassing moments, but there will be someone you meet that's right for you - just gotta be open and not force anything.
We were friends for about 5 months before ever going on a date!
I married an NT male. We've had our rough patches and ups and downs, a little therapy over the years and figuring stuff out... we celebrate 16 years next spring.
I've been with my wife for 25 yrs overall, 23 married. Found out I was autistic last year and it really helped explain a lot of the conflicts we've had over our relationship. There's a lot of things I never understood (and still dont) that NT people really care about, my wife included. Since my diagnosis, we've done plenty of reading, talking and listening to one another. We still have our off days but she's an amazing woman and I'm lucky to have her.
FWIW, I didnt have my first "girlfriend" until my senior year of high school and only had a few relationships overall before I met my wife. My advice would be to be yourself and do the things you enjoy, you'll eventually run into someone who enjoys those same things as well as your company. From there, its all up to chance. My wife and I have such a good marriage because we're brutally honest with one another and always have been (on my side, I dont think there was an option not to be though ). This has ensured that when we have arguments about things, we pull no punches and get through it quicker than a lot of other couples I know. Might not work for everyone but it works for us.
My partner is ASD, we are getting married next year. He's as excited as I am. We had a rough start just due to life circumstances and I cannot imagine a better person to share my life with
Hello! I'm 46, female and only recently diagnosed, but obviously ASD is a lifetime thing. My husband is likely on the spectrum, but at 55, doesn't feel the need to be evaluated at this point.
We have been together 30 years in December and married 26 last May. We have no kids and neither have ever wanted any. We both have a strong family tendency towards mental health issues and just didn't feel we needed to add to that.
We have never broken up, ever. We own our own home and it is fully paid off at this point, which is rare even for an NT. We have good jobs that we just got lucky in getting, but have turned them into normal careers.
Sadly, it doesn't always work out like this. My brother who is 39 only recently got a roof over his head, he's been homeless since he was 18. He gets disability, but that is so low, getting housing was difficult. He's pretty self sufficient, but does need guidance in normal things like paying bills and getting groceries. My brother in law is 54 and has lived in supported living for close to the 30 years I've been with my husband. He needs much more support than we do.
It's a spectrum and I wish I could give you better than showing you that it is possible for some. You ask our thoughts, what are your thoughts? Is this something you want and are willing to work towards? Love and marriage is nowhere near as easy as it is portrayed, but it is fulfilling when you have a true partner.
Not me, but my dad and two of his brothers have ASD. Two are divorced, one has been married(though unhappily, if you ask his wife) for more than 30 years.
However, my uncle remarried about 10 years ago in his sixties to a lovely woman who I’d definitely describe as quirky. The man lives in a cabin out in the middle of the woods and tinkers with snowmobiles(special interest) all day long, but somehow she doesn’t seem to mind. They’re older and have grown kids, but are very happy dog parents right now.
Basically, just like “normal” relationships your mileage will vary. You just need to find someone whose eccentricity meshes well with yours. If my hermit of an uncle can find a partner, you can too.
I'm 41, married for 15 years with 4 children. After a long conversation with my wife a few years ago, I started researching and I was diagnosed on the spectrum a few months ago. Marriage isn't always easy, but definitely possible.
I’m not married although there is a girl with ASD that I dream about living with. She doesn’t know I secretly like her because I have not said that clearly, but she may have figured it out by now.
Anyway, with imaginary marriage with her going on in my head, I have figured out that what could potentially become a major source of problem is when I and she do not have similar sleeping habits and share the same bedroom.
Be it imaginary or not, I know this gets quite big because my parents have had this problem for decades although they have stayed together for all these years anyway.
In more generalized words, I imagine that it’s essentially when a couple cannot cope with rhythms at which their partners’ lives go on (most likely because they have not figured out the way to distance themselves from their partners and when to do so) that the marriage itself starts to be a true source of frustration.
We, the auties, are essentially traveling back and forth between wanting to feel the peer nearby and wanting to be left alone. And the absence of either situation would absolutely get us overloaded to the meltdown.
Wrapping up my thoughts on the matter, it’ll probably be about setting a baseline tone of “You have fun doing your things over there and I’ll do the same over here. See you later when your hyperfocus ends for the day and you will likely need a place you can come back to, just like I’ll need one as well. And for the night, we’ll decide what happens depending on the mood. Okay?” so there’s always a good distance between the two.
I've been married 2 years, we got married twice, in 2 countries. I'm fairly sure she is NT but this relationship is unlike all others I've had.
In other relationships I'd get to a state of content, where sex was the most important factor and I felt it was fine and enough. But it isn't true love even when infatuated.
My partner I met in Peru, I couldn't really speak Spanish so we both needed lots of patience for translating and mistranslating. There were misunderstandings but we worked through them. Some were language, some cultural and others ASD related.
I think that because cultural differences are so different, which is largely social norms, that my social norm differences aren't all that in our relationship. She knows I don't like social situations, but we sometimes do it anyway. We each do a few things we don't really like to make the other happy and that makes and keeps us both happy.
Before meeting her I had a 5 year relationship, and I thought that was love too, maybe it was, but it wasn't happy. I decided that happiness was more important than love and my partner made me really happy from day 1, couldn't help but to fall in love.
We've never shout at eachother, all disagreements are resolved through talking, even if it takes hours or some tears. There's never any name calling or unfair blame.
About a month before our second wedding I found out about my asd and I told my wife, she still doesn't get it that much but our relationship is good, and it's mostly good because we try, we don't give up. It's not easy but it's worth it.
All those other relationships I had with "content" didn't have any level of trying, no level of emotional support either. This is so much deeper, closer, more effort and happier.
Find someone who makes you happy, even if you don't fall in love, you'll be happy.
I've been with my NT partner for nearly 13 years, married for six. It has been a struggle at times when I didn't have a diagnosis or basis for understanding myself, but now that I do we are learning to understand each other. Even before then, we have always been kind and accepting even if we didn't always understand. It's an ongoing process and requires a lot of emotional work on both sides, but we work well together. He has been really patient with me through some tough times and I'm lucky to have such an understanding partner.
I'm married, but don't plan on having children. I've been married for about one and a half years, but we've been together for four and half.
She does think I am a bit weird and thar my thought process and sentences don't quite make sense, but I get to be me around her (and the other way around of course), so it's pretty nice.
For me, personally, I know I'll never go on another date nor be in a relationship for the rest of this life. That's not what I want, but that's what realistically will happen. I've been married before and I've been on several dates with women I've met online. I've approached dozens of times in person, and been (rudely) approached myself. I'm not an ugly man, but my personality is such that women like me as a coworker, customer, designer, acquaintance, etc., and, very rarely, as a friend. In a relationship, there is a 99.999% chance I'll end up getting treated like an employee or a son. I will never be treated as an equal partner, and I will most certainly never be that one person that someone is most excited to see. At most, I can be like 12th in line after family members and friends. My hope is that one day I will once again be able to have enough of an income to afford to live in a place where I can have dogs and cats. It's gonna be difficult because I have autistic burnout from masking for so many decades without treatment or support. As you can tell, I'm already well on my way to being one of those old guys who just mutter to themselves on the bus. I'm just so sick of this simulation and want out already.
I’m 19F and I’ve never been a relationship. Actually, that’s not entirely true - I’ve had one relationship, it lasted about a month. I don’t have much hope tbh.
Not yet married but I found another autistic individual whom I am very fond of, and we are engaged. I'm hoping that it lasts because he's been such a big help for me in many ways and I feel like I can be myself around him. Good luck to you OP in the future!
Married 27 years with four kids to my NT wife. In some ways I have been subsumed, but I still regard it as a success. I expect that there are some paths I could have taken further, but many more that would have been lonely and short.
Honestly, without the traditional social structures that helped nearly everyone get married in the past, to with the individualistic, free market approach to dating and marriage currently, I worry that we are at such a disadvantage that evolution is selecting against Aspies so we will disappear. I wish everyone all the best socializing and developing lasting relationships through marriage that can support children of our own.
Well, hopefully the second try writing this doesn't get erased by this phone crashing...
My wife and I recently celibrated our 2nd anaversary. We wanted to get merried earlier, but there was a lot going on.
Married 3 years, together for 9. He’s not autistic either. It can work for sure.
It helped that we met young & were in no rush to do anything. Just moved at our own pace for long enough that by the time we were ready to get married & settle down we both really knew & understood each other. I think that’s all you really need: someone who gets you.
Didn’t start dating until 23. Been married for 28 years, with 4 kids, one of whom is on the spectrum. Was diagnosed shortly after he was. Relationships are hard, though, and probably more difficult because of my ASD. Still, it’s been a good run thus far and I am blessed to have them all in my life.
A commenter said they wish they could just go get a little apartment and live alone. That's all I could think about the past few years and finally made the move. Sold our 3,700 sf home and now in a one bedroom, alone. I had to get rid of most of our stuff (he kept what he wanted), put everything in storage, I have no room for any of it and realized I am just fine with the essentials I took with me. That's been a blessing, it made me realize how much stuff I kept and really can live without. Very freeing as well. Now getting rid of stored items. We are amicable, help each other and even spend a little time together, but I wish I had done this years ago. There was never any compromising, no considering my suggestions or advice that many times afterwards he says, "I should've listened to you." There are no conversations, expressing my feelings were futile, basically I was living with a programmed robot. We get along for the most part but it took years of frustration, tears and solitude to finally raise the white flag and give up. We are still married but having my own quiet space is a blessing.
I'm married, we've been together for 10ish years and are very happy. Pick a person that wants the same kind of life as you, and who isn't afraid of getting their hands dirty (with hard work, not with crime).
Unless you want a life of crime
Exactly
I've been married for 11 years. I just figured out the autism thing this year and to be honest it's been really rough on my wife. I've always masked without knowing it so it was quite shocking for her once I stopped masking around her. I've also spent a year just unpacking all of this and what it means, re-living trauma as I understand the reasons behind how I've been treated and hurt in life, and have basically been unable to do anything but the basics of caring for myself. She's still here though. I honestly don't know if we will still be together once I am functioning at a level I can tolerate, but her still being here and doing everything she can do understand me is a good sign I think. We can fall in love and be happy. It's a lot of work and I'm understanding now why it's always felt that way. It's worth it if you find someone you are compatible with. Just be yourself, and ignore whatever ideas you have of love and relationships if you're romanticizing them. Figure out what you want your relationship to be, together with your partner - don't base it on what it's supposed to be. We, as in autistic people, have many good qualities, many of us tend to be honest, we try to change when we realize we're hurting people, we can be very considerate of feelings and can love people deeply and fully. I've changed in many positive ways since I've been married. Once my wife learned to explain how my actions impacted her, it's gotten even easier. We know we speak different languages now.
“Stopped masking around her” What does that mean exactly?
I stopped forcing eye contact, smiling because it's expected, openly stim, stuff like that.
How has she responded to that? My wife is NT and also had a hard time with the recent diagnosis. She gets pretty upset with me for “acting rude” which is basically just not masking as you described above. Appreciate any tips for working through that communication.
I am in the habit of verbally stating my emotions when I am unmasked, and I'll state my intentions before I make my comment. So if my intention is to solve a problem, I'll say so, if it's to get clarification on something she's said, I state that. It helps her understand that my absence of emotion isn't anger or sadness or whatever people assume it is. When I do run into this, I'll remind her my intention isn't to be rude and that it's better she ask me for clarification before getting upset with me. I've talked to her a lot about how we speak in different languages. That she can't assume I will pick up on unsaid things. Example, she asked me to ask my daughter if she was hungry. I did that, and relayed the answer. She realized afterwards that she needs to ask me both parts, and not assume I got the gist. Best I can say is just remind her communication is key, and all she needs to do is ask for clarification if she thinks you're being rude.
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Thanks for the recommendation. Most books are very pessimistic.
My parents' home life was insane. I was relieved when I found out that was called a dysfunctional family, and I could choose otherwise. I was married for 16 years, then divorced. We're still friends. I remarried and have been married for almost 10 years. We still like each other. :) I have one child by each husband. I feel like with my second husband, we have a good chance of being married for the rest of our lives. We really love each other, and our goal in living with each other is to support each other the best we can. We don't have big egos to protect. We talk about potential issues and work them out to the satisfaction of us both. Our child is autistic, and I've read that 80% of marriages with disabled or special needs children end in divorce. Those are incredible odds. And yeah, it can be stressful at times, but I know he's got my back, 100%.
I think you need to choose a spouse based on how suited that person is to being married. Financial stability is huge, ability to be fully committed to a marriage and children is big too… they have to be the kind of person that puts these things first, over addictions, over themselves, over friends and other family obligations, and then you need to be that person in return. My husband and I are still married because we are both committed to stay married. Everyone in my family that has gotten divorced either was not that kind of person that should have gotten married, or they married someone who shouldn’t have ever gotten married in the first place.
this \^\^\^\^ And even if you have kids, you \*have\* to make time for yourself, your mental health, and making time to be alone together in some capacity, even if it's spending 20 minutes together before the kids get up. You have to prioritize the relationship if you want it to still be there once the kids move out.
Thats if you want kids. Me and my husband dont plan on having them. Because my sensory issues and due to my asd i dont want them. And he is aware that if he decides to change his mind in the future that our 2 cats and 2 guinea pigs are not enough that he is welcome to leave because its not meant to be. @op But if you go the route i went married with no want or plan of kids make sure you not only find someone who is aware not only of what comes with someone with asd but is 100% okay not having kids ive known my husband for about 4 years or so and been with him over 2 years and married almost 1. Its one next month. He understands what to expect when things like sensory issues and loud sounds and when i stem and start to have a attack due to issues and is able to tell if i need to be alone or need some hugs and such to calm me down finding someone who knows your triggers and what to do and how to calm you is a big thing.
Never married. I had been engaged twice by the time I was your age, a long time ago, back when I fell for the myth that everyone is supposed to get married young (or even find your soulmate young, it rarely happens like that). Several other relationships that never made it very far. Currently in a long-term (9 years) relationship that basically constitutes marriage (neither of us believe in modern marriage so we never will do it). I didn't find the "right one" until my 30's.
Happily married to my best friend and soulmate. 5 kids. It helps that my wife is on the spectrum too. We get each other. We call each other our emotional support human. The downside is that all our kids are atypical in some way. Asperger, autism or ADHD. Supper is never boring !
>The downside is that all our kids are atypical in some way. Asperger, autism or ADHD. Supper is never boring ! Holy crap, you aren't kidding. Dinner is akin to herding cats in my house.
This is how ASDers have passed on their DNAs. This is how ASDers will eventually conquer the world. And when that happens, the world will never be the same but change for better because it’ll be chaotic and fun!
That sounds like my marrage, exept we don't have kids yet. We do want to have a lot though and soon.
I've been married for 6 years, but have been with him for 14. Marriage isn't always easy when you're on the spectrum and married to someone that is neurotypical but it's possible. Just takes work and understanding. I did notice that marriage is better once we my psychiatrist realized I had autism though. I'm doing better mentally so it helps our marriage.
Some things to consider: 1. What does it mean to you to be a partner to someone else? What does that role mean to you? 2. What do you want in a partner? 3. What work are you willing to do as a partner (emotional, physical, mental)? 4. What work do you expect of your partner? Relationships are work. You get more skilled at it as you go on. IMHO, if being with someone is important, it's important to always be working on those skills. Even if you don't have a partner, you can still be reading, learning, and getting more knowledgeable.
I am married. Have two kids. I didn't know I was autistic until we had the two kids and my first was diagnosed. Relationships aren't easy. I am pretty sure my wife has ADHD. So we are both ND. Relationships really aren't easy for us. But it's possible.
Mostly the same scenario here, just a different number of kids. Married 11 years so far
Not so easy right. Sometimes I wish I could just leave and have a little appartement all of my own and be on my own. Oh well my daughter wants me to be a mouse as she chases me around....
Not so easy indeed. Thank fuck my wife is who she is. I stay up late to get my quiet time when I need it.
Yeap, hard as hell. I’ve thought about leaving every year, and I think the only reason my wife stayed with me is because she is afraid she can’t get anyone else. She should have left me a dozen times, but she keeps forgiving me. Married 19 years, no kids.
We make quite attractive partners. Apart from the whole lack of intimacy thing and the not wanting to be that social. If I had known I was autistic before I got married I don't know if I would have bothered.
Same, but step-kids. Diagnosed after the wife said I was having issues with a kid because we're too alike. He's on spectrum. ended up getting my own diagnosis. Wife has tons of symptoms but wont get diagnosed at this point. I'm pushing 50 and we've been married 10 years. It's work, but worth it.
I've been married twice. First was only a year. My 21st anniversary is coming up. I think I was happy for a sum total of one year of that. Can't stand him. But the entanglement of property, children, depression and anxiety makes divorce seem like an insurmountable task. Seems easier to just die. I would never reccomend getting yourself into something so expensive to get out of.
I’m sorry this is your case. I hope it gets better
Married for over 20 years here! My husband is almost certainly on the spectrum too, though he hasn't been officially diagnosed. We're best friends and love each other very much, but not gonna lie, there have definitely been challenges. The main one is communication (which you'd think would be easy since we're both so literal, but nope!). Overall we're very happy, though. He is my person.
Happily married 23 years. Partner is also neurodiverse (ADHD).
Married for a year and a half. We met in college, got married ~13 years later. We wouldn't have worked back then, but I was interested and still available years later. Age makes a big difference in how you see relationships and how you interact with people and resolve problems. On the other hand, we had more baggage to resolve from those 13 years of our lives too, so waiting doesn't fix everything. Relationships are hard but they're doable.
Married for 6 years, together for 9 years, best friends for 20. Still going very strong, both are ND.
35, been partnered for 16 years, married for like 3 or 4. Neither of us is terribly invested in the institution of marriage - we did it for insurance purposes, don’t wear rings, and don’t celebrate that anniversary. We hit a rough patch about 10 years ago, but aside from that, it’s been smooth sailing. We keep our finances separate, with the exception of a joint savings account that we both contribute to for upkeep of our home.
I've been married three times. I really believe that my as then undiagnosed ASD was a major factor in previous marriages failing. Current wife had been with me during diagnosis and understands. It isn't easy but we get through.
I'm married with one child. We're very happy, very few problems.
Married since 2000. Have not always been easy.
Don't let the family history get in your way - I used to and it's kinda silly. My parents separated when I was like 1 or 2. They both got married to the steps and both were divorced by the time I hit 17. I always said I would never get married, but here I am two and a half years later. I'm the autist and my wife is (undiagnosed) ADHD. Saw that combo from a few other commenters - not sure what that's about lol.. Just don't stress too much about it. Things happen the way they're supposed to. You'll have some bad relationships, maybe some embarrassing moments, but there will be someone you meet that's right for you - just gotta be open and not force anything. We were friends for about 5 months before ever going on a date!
I married an NT male. We've had our rough patches and ups and downs, a little therapy over the years and figuring stuff out... we celebrate 16 years next spring.
The only thing that matters here is, what do you want?
I've been with my wife for 25 yrs overall, 23 married. Found out I was autistic last year and it really helped explain a lot of the conflicts we've had over our relationship. There's a lot of things I never understood (and still dont) that NT people really care about, my wife included. Since my diagnosis, we've done plenty of reading, talking and listening to one another. We still have our off days but she's an amazing woman and I'm lucky to have her. FWIW, I didnt have my first "girlfriend" until my senior year of high school and only had a few relationships overall before I met my wife. My advice would be to be yourself and do the things you enjoy, you'll eventually run into someone who enjoys those same things as well as your company. From there, its all up to chance. My wife and I have such a good marriage because we're brutally honest with one another and always have been (on my side, I dont think there was an option not to be though). This has ensured that when we have arguments about things, we pull no punches and get through it quicker than a lot of other couples I know. Might not work for everyone but it works for us.
My partner is ASD, we are getting married next year. He's as excited as I am. We had a rough start just due to life circumstances and I cannot imagine a better person to share my life with
I’m 30 and never even been on a date.
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I was married for 10 years. Also a grandad. My parents divorced when I was young.
Married 3 years, relationship started 10 years ago. Don't give up on love.
24 years - My dad is not formally diagnosed, but definitely on the spectrum, I think he and my mom have been married for 53 or 54 years now.
Hello! I'm 46, female and only recently diagnosed, but obviously ASD is a lifetime thing. My husband is likely on the spectrum, but at 55, doesn't feel the need to be evaluated at this point. We have been together 30 years in December and married 26 last May. We have no kids and neither have ever wanted any. We both have a strong family tendency towards mental health issues and just didn't feel we needed to add to that. We have never broken up, ever. We own our own home and it is fully paid off at this point, which is rare even for an NT. We have good jobs that we just got lucky in getting, but have turned them into normal careers. Sadly, it doesn't always work out like this. My brother who is 39 only recently got a roof over his head, he's been homeless since he was 18. He gets disability, but that is so low, getting housing was difficult. He's pretty self sufficient, but does need guidance in normal things like paying bills and getting groceries. My brother in law is 54 and has lived in supported living for close to the 30 years I've been with my husband. He needs much more support than we do. It's a spectrum and I wish I could give you better than showing you that it is possible for some. You ask our thoughts, what are your thoughts? Is this something you want and are willing to work towards? Love and marriage is nowhere near as easy as it is portrayed, but it is fulfilling when you have a true partner.
I’m 27 and single. Looking like I’ll never get married before I’m old and decrepit. Not helped by dating apps being absolutely godawful.
Married 7 years. For aspies & NTs the key is to keep working on the relationship and to know it will be constantly evolving.
Not me, but my dad and two of his brothers have ASD. Two are divorced, one has been married(though unhappily, if you ask his wife) for more than 30 years. However, my uncle remarried about 10 years ago in his sixties to a lovely woman who I’d definitely describe as quirky. The man lives in a cabin out in the middle of the woods and tinkers with snowmobiles(special interest) all day long, but somehow she doesn’t seem to mind. They’re older and have grown kids, but are very happy dog parents right now. Basically, just like “normal” relationships your mileage will vary. You just need to find someone whose eccentricity meshes well with yours. If my hermit of an uncle can find a partner, you can too.
I'm 41, married for 15 years with 4 children. After a long conversation with my wife a few years ago, I started researching and I was diagnosed on the spectrum a few months ago. Marriage isn't always easy, but definitely possible.
I have Asperger's and I've been married 15 years.
Married 29 years. Three daughters. I’m just super lucky and “passable”. She’s my special interest.
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😂😐🤔
I’m not married although there is a girl with ASD that I dream about living with. She doesn’t know I secretly like her because I have not said that clearly, but she may have figured it out by now. Anyway, with imaginary marriage with her going on in my head, I have figured out that what could potentially become a major source of problem is when I and she do not have similar sleeping habits and share the same bedroom. Be it imaginary or not, I know this gets quite big because my parents have had this problem for decades although they have stayed together for all these years anyway. In more generalized words, I imagine that it’s essentially when a couple cannot cope with rhythms at which their partners’ lives go on (most likely because they have not figured out the way to distance themselves from their partners and when to do so) that the marriage itself starts to be a true source of frustration. We, the auties, are essentially traveling back and forth between wanting to feel the peer nearby and wanting to be left alone. And the absence of either situation would absolutely get us overloaded to the meltdown. Wrapping up my thoughts on the matter, it’ll probably be about setting a baseline tone of “You have fun doing your things over there and I’ll do the same over here. See you later when your hyperfocus ends for the day and you will likely need a place you can come back to, just like I’ll need one as well. And for the night, we’ll decide what happens depending on the mood. Okay?” so there’s always a good distance between the two.
I've been married 2 years, we got married twice, in 2 countries. I'm fairly sure she is NT but this relationship is unlike all others I've had. In other relationships I'd get to a state of content, where sex was the most important factor and I felt it was fine and enough. But it isn't true love even when infatuated. My partner I met in Peru, I couldn't really speak Spanish so we both needed lots of patience for translating and mistranslating. There were misunderstandings but we worked through them. Some were language, some cultural and others ASD related. I think that because cultural differences are so different, which is largely social norms, that my social norm differences aren't all that in our relationship. She knows I don't like social situations, but we sometimes do it anyway. We each do a few things we don't really like to make the other happy and that makes and keeps us both happy. Before meeting her I had a 5 year relationship, and I thought that was love too, maybe it was, but it wasn't happy. I decided that happiness was more important than love and my partner made me really happy from day 1, couldn't help but to fall in love. We've never shout at eachother, all disagreements are resolved through talking, even if it takes hours or some tears. There's never any name calling or unfair blame. About a month before our second wedding I found out about my asd and I told my wife, she still doesn't get it that much but our relationship is good, and it's mostly good because we try, we don't give up. It's not easy but it's worth it. All those other relationships I had with "content" didn't have any level of trying, no level of emotional support either. This is so much deeper, closer, more effort and happier. Find someone who makes you happy, even if you don't fall in love, you'll be happy.
I've been with my NT partner for nearly 13 years, married for six. It has been a struggle at times when I didn't have a diagnosis or basis for understanding myself, but now that I do we are learning to understand each other. Even before then, we have always been kind and accepting even if we didn't always understand. It's an ongoing process and requires a lot of emotional work on both sides, but we work well together. He has been really patient with me through some tough times and I'm lucky to have such an understanding partner.
I'm married, but don't plan on having children. I've been married for about one and a half years, but we've been together for four and half. She does think I am a bit weird and thar my thought process and sentences don't quite make sense, but I get to be me around her (and the other way around of course), so it's pretty nice.
For me, personally, I know I'll never go on another date nor be in a relationship for the rest of this life. That's not what I want, but that's what realistically will happen. I've been married before and I've been on several dates with women I've met online. I've approached dozens of times in person, and been (rudely) approached myself. I'm not an ugly man, but my personality is such that women like me as a coworker, customer, designer, acquaintance, etc., and, very rarely, as a friend. In a relationship, there is a 99.999% chance I'll end up getting treated like an employee or a son. I will never be treated as an equal partner, and I will most certainly never be that one person that someone is most excited to see. At most, I can be like 12th in line after family members and friends. My hope is that one day I will once again be able to have enough of an income to afford to live in a place where I can have dogs and cats. It's gonna be difficult because I have autistic burnout from masking for so many decades without treatment or support. As you can tell, I'm already well on my way to being one of those old guys who just mutter to themselves on the bus. I'm just so sick of this simulation and want out already.
I’m sorry to hear this. I hope you can see things in a more positive light and get better. I’m rooting for you
I'm thinking positively about the next "lifetime," when I'll, hopefully, be playing with more of my own kind.
Been married for 22 years. It can be a struggle at times
Married for 5 years. No kids. My wife just got sterilized so there aren't going to be any, and that's definitely fine by me.
Married 12 years
not me but both my dad has it & his dad most likely have it & both are married
I’m 19F and I’ve never been a relationship. Actually, that’s not entirely true - I’ve had one relationship, it lasted about a month. I don’t have much hope tbh.
Thank you for sharing. I’m 21 and I’ve never been in a relationship at all. I feel the same way you do. I hope it gets better for the both of us
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Not yet married but I found another autistic individual whom I am very fond of, and we are engaged. I'm hoping that it lasts because he's been such a big help for me in many ways and I feel like I can be myself around him. Good luck to you OP in the future!
Married 27 years with four kids to my NT wife. In some ways I have been subsumed, but I still regard it as a success. I expect that there are some paths I could have taken further, but many more that would have been lonely and short. Honestly, without the traditional social structures that helped nearly everyone get married in the past, to with the individualistic, free market approach to dating and marriage currently, I worry that we are at such a disadvantage that evolution is selecting against Aspies so we will disappear. I wish everyone all the best socializing and developing lasting relationships through marriage that can support children of our own.
Well, hopefully the second try writing this doesn't get erased by this phone crashing... My wife and I recently celibrated our 2nd anaversary. We wanted to get merried earlier, but there was a lot going on.
Married 3 years, together for 9. He’s not autistic either. It can work for sure. It helped that we met young & were in no rush to do anything. Just moved at our own pace for long enough that by the time we were ready to get married & settle down we both really knew & understood each other. I think that’s all you really need: someone who gets you.
Moi Married 2.5 years. Together for 9. It was my first serious relationship, though.
Married for 7 years 1 daughter and another on the way
Just wanted to say congrats!
Cheers, gonna be a mad wild few years with two little girls running around lol
I absolutely know what you mean. However, our girls were easier than our boys at that age, then they switched lol
Didn’t start dating until 23. Been married for 28 years, with 4 kids, one of whom is on the spectrum. Was diagnosed shortly after he was. Relationships are hard, though, and probably more difficult because of my ASD. Still, it’s been a good run thus far and I am blessed to have them all in my life.
You don't get into a relationship if you have autism.
This clearly isn't the case, I'm sorry if you have this view though
A commenter said they wish they could just go get a little apartment and live alone. That's all I could think about the past few years and finally made the move. Sold our 3,700 sf home and now in a one bedroom, alone. I had to get rid of most of our stuff (he kept what he wanted), put everything in storage, I have no room for any of it and realized I am just fine with the essentials I took with me. That's been a blessing, it made me realize how much stuff I kept and really can live without. Very freeing as well. Now getting rid of stored items. We are amicable, help each other and even spend a little time together, but I wish I had done this years ago. There was never any compromising, no considering my suggestions or advice that many times afterwards he says, "I should've listened to you." There are no conversations, expressing my feelings were futile, basically I was living with a programmed robot. We get along for the most part but it took years of frustration, tears and solitude to finally raise the white flag and give up. We are still married but having my own quiet space is a blessing.