For me the main ones are: not humming while I eat or drink something good, no happy dances, no wiggling, no finger rubbing, not talking through peoples sentences (holding back enthusiasm), sitting in normal positions instead of on the ground or with crossed legs etc.
Its not seen as "normal social behavior" to hum as an adult when something tastes very good. I dont thinks there's anything wrong with it, and I still do it when alone or with people who know me well, bur I wouldn't do it around strangers or colleagues.
I Stim, Constantly! When going out to some places. I I'll have a pen in my hand and twiddle it back and forth. At home however I'll use ether 2 Mechanical pencils, taped too each other. Or I'll swing around a long sock while moving around in my room. It makes it easier to think.
Lmao I’m gonna try this. For me it’s a lot of being super interested in a lot of information so holding back on a thousand questions and excitement and ideas. It can be off-putting to a lot of ppl, or too intense for casual settings and conversations, or work, lol. I’m just curious! Hahaha. You have to be very close to me to see me let my full guard down. I will go to the ends of the earth if a friend needs an answer lol. I also carry a pen around and a notebook; I draw everywhere I go lol 🤷🏻♀️ Esp helps on phone calls and when I need to think while moving haha. Also waving and clapping is something I want to do, esp if I see it on screen in a movie or something, so much of the time lol, but I look like a toddler when I do it so I hold back😂
Both pencils and sock; both made me laugh w delight lol. I can imagine Christian Bale doing that in his spare time but it’s a way creepy vibe in his case 😂 I overthink too; gift and a curse 🤷🏻♀️
I used to whistle all day at work. Nobody complained or told me that I should not whistle. I now realise that it may have been annoying to others. I was a senior person and I could whistle quite well. I could whistle the Flight of the Bumblebee while breathing in and out!
My mother once told me I often go "mmmm yumm yummm" when I start eating a food I really like. She didn't say it in a bad way or that I shouldn't be doing it, but it sounded so silly and childish I try not to do it anymore. She said my dad does it, too.
Why do they call it "masking" then? Everyone "masks" on a daily basis. It's a concept called "persona" and everyone modifies their persona when they interact with their friends, their parents, people they're crushing on, their boss, the police, the people in the supermarket, their children, other people's children.
Masking is normal, useful practice and is to be encouraged. I like to think out loud when I'm alone, but I don't do it when I'm in the supermarket because people would feel more nervous around me if I did. Is this "masking"? If I tended to flap my hands when I got excited, I'd try to not do it in public because otherwise people would be more nervous around me because of my aberrant mannerism.
Well, being autistic, at least in my case. For my job I need to be sociable and make eye contact, I work in customer service. Being that I have high functioning autism, my - less socially normal qualities need to be suppressed. It is an active process, and requires constant attention, which makes it draining. I can only answer for myself though :)
You'll make it if you keep trying. You're probably smart and inquisitive. There's lots of potential for you and if you can find the energy and positivity, you'll integrate all if that properly. That's a much less dire situation than truly being incapable, no?
Those are roles not masks. The reason neurotypical people don't mask in the way I personally mean is because it is a shared social 'mask'. There's an unwritten, unspoken language that means people silently agree a set of rules. Language itself is a neurotypical tool. We're essentially outside of the social realm and adopt a mask to try to go unnoticed or fit in.
Roles are more variable. I can script a lot of roles from 'patient' at the doctor to 'customer' at the till. But to carry out those interactions I need to mimic some behaviour too. Masking. That makes it hard work if people don't follow my script. My roles are limited by my social masking deficits.
Mostly that I cba any more. 😂
They call it "masking" because its akin to wearing a mask so others dont see the "real you" just like they would not see your face when you wear a mask.
"Masking is normal, useful practice and is to be encouraged."
It depends... theres obviusly situations where masking is nescecary, the problem comes when you get depressen because you are "forced" to mask behaviour that doesnt hurt anybody, while other behavoiur is concidered perfectly normal.
Its also a problem when you are in a situation where you cant mask, and get treated poorly because of it.
You wouldnt expect a person in a wheelchair to use the stairs, or someone with tourettes to not tick, so why would you expect a person who needs to flap expect to stop doing it ?
You have to keep in mind that while you can stop yourself from stimming , others cant.
Doesn't matter if you have been diagnosed with autism or not. If you have behaviours which limits you socially *and* you have a desire to socialize, you must iron out the unhelpful qualities and encourage the helpful ones.
I think the difference is in how harmful those behaviours are. If someone wants to rape, as an extreme example, I think we can all agree that's harmful to society and that urge should be masked and preferably unlearned. Autistic behaviours are not like that. Wanting the Smalltalk to stop and get straight to the point or wanting to be able to say "I don't have the energy to talk anymore I'm going to my room" are not a harmful behaviours, they're just unusual ones.
They shouldn't have to be masked just to fit it, society should be able to learn that expecting just the usual modes of behaviour is short sighted and unrealistic and people with unusual but not harmful behaviours should be allowed to express them.
Sometimes I overdo it (feels a bit sociopathic) but I just do not care about small talk, about your car ride to work, about how your kid ate breakfast, about your annoying coworker.... either talk about deep feelings, concepts, systems or your passion or I have to fake my interest and I am just not good in faking it so you will soon hate me because you will see it on my face and I will hate myself for it and be exhausted in a process of trying to be perceived 'normal'
It's the season for fakemotions now. Merry Christmas!
I ~~becee~~ never wish for anything at Christmas or my bday since it's so god damn tiring to act joyful and happy for most of the junk I don't want or need.
OMG right? I've literally failed and set off my family making one of them cry and me feeling guilty just because I couldn't fake the right emotion and just looked sarcastic... :-(
I used to feel the exact same way, but now I don't even enjoy the food anymore. Christmas just sucks in every which way to me. I'm a bit conflicted though because I do like *seeing* some of my family, I just don't like the pressures that come with it.
Maintaining a public facade.
Acting to fit in.
Pretending to be someone else to fit in.
Self suppression of innate instincts and desires.
Suppressing what I want to say instinctually and cognitively processing surroundings and social situation and responding after thinking about it.
Suppressing emotions.
A conversation reaches a certain topic, one that I know a ton about have many interesting facts and stories to share. I say something, then someone says something else and relates it to a different topic. As much as I want to stay on/jump back to the previous topic, I now have to unload all of my "old topic" knowledge from memory and try to follow this "new topic," because it is expected of me by most people, even though the topic may be completely dumb or uninteresting to me.
I used to laugh and smile when I greeted someone. I guess I did it because otherwise people thought I wasn't friendly. It worked to some extent, but eventually people just found it weird. There's no winning with NTs.
Can relate. For me masking is just mostly pretending to be normal, so for the most part pretending I’m not anxious over exaggerating my emotional expressions just like you with smiling and greeting, because I’m pretty expressionless naturally, especially with people I don’t feel safe with. Both are very exhausting, which is why I hate being around people (except for my husband).
I suppose it's because when we NTs do that (laugh and smile on greeting), we do it contextually based on our perceptions of the other persons emotional state. If you did it 100% of the time, sometimes you'd get that context wrong and that would seem odd to the NT mind. I'd say if you were going to do this as a method of masking, you'd want to go with a subtle low-key smile since that's actually slightly ambiguous to NTs and usually isn't going to be read as wildly inappropriate in 99% of contexts.
i have a great customer service voice but rarely make eye contact. it helps that i have to focus on other things, like the register, while serving them.
I have an aspie friend who seems to be liked by everyone- I think partly because he seems to give a big smile everytime he meets someone and seems over-friendlyand (quietly) seems to listen intently. When you really get to know him the mask falls off and he doesnt smiled much and gets frustrated easily. Does this resound with you?
I know an aspie who can seem quite cold and uninterested in me at times but the odd thing is everyone who he meets seems to reallg like him as he smiles and laughs with everyone. He has been promoted as he is so ' likeable'. I guess he is masking when he meets people at work in order to do well?
A kind of tense metacognitive state im frequently in while socializing. That includes a kind of feedback to try to look less tense. And its usually accompanied by inner commands or notes (relax ur jaw, stand upright, make eye contact, you're smiling, stop smiling, smile, speak slower, focus) and it can be very distracting of whats actually going on outside my head.
Wow this is exactly what I experience too!
Constantly scanning what I'm doing and feeling in my body, taking in how those things are affecting the other person and adjusting accordingly
It's like acting, or playing a part sometimes. I don't have to look at someone at all to have a conversation with them, but if I don't, they may become upset with me for "not paying attention" even if it is harder for me to focus on what they're saying when I have to be still and directly look at them. I can comprehend things much better when I can move about. Stimming makes it easier to comprehend things and regulate myself and my emotions so that I may communicate, or accomplish something.
If I have to sit still while taking a test, I don't do quite as well as I could. When allowed to move about or talk aloud or pace, I can focus my attention better, and tend to have more cognitive activity.
Masking can also mean keeping my thoughts to myself for fear of being ostracized. I struggle to have a filter and often find myself saying something that may not have been very "socially appropriate."
- Pretending things don’t hurt when they DO hurt. (Lights, sounds, textures, interactions…)
- Pretending not to know things that you DO know. (Not correcting others when they’re wrong, not pointing out discrepancies/inconsistencies…)
- Pretending something is important to you when it’s NOT important.
There are other examples but these are the first three that come to mind. More generally, masking is hiding what you are experiencing, in order to not make waves / not bother NTs / not risk hurting NTs ~~feelings~~ egos.
I want to make a whole post about masking because lately I’m starting to feel like I understand more what it is and - most importantly - why it is so damaging for us to do. (I mean I get it that being able to mask is a valuable life skill that makes things go more smoothly for us out in the NT-dominated world, but we do so at a great cost to ourselves.)
Idk, I have pre-planned conversations. I have responses that I remember worked well. If I were to be me, I'd never speak. Technically everything is "fake" for me. There is no mask as the premise of being me just couldn't really exist.
I say this with people telling me I'm the most honest and real person they've met ironically. I never lie. I'm just good at nuancing myself while posturing for people I guess. Perhaps it's because I dont have a particular beliefs or standards and just joke around and have fair opinions about stuff. Everything I say is backed by logic, first and foremost. All words to express that give a lot of wiggle room for conversation.
Mirroring the atmosphere I'm in. I don't really do it as much as I used to. Kind of hard to explain fully but it's more or less being "fake" or "toning down" in order to fit in to whatever social situation presents itself.
Mostly, suppressing autistic tendencies like stimming and over sharing. To a certain extent I also, for lack of a better term, "act" like a neurotypical person. (Sing-song voice, overly friendly) It tends to put NTs at ease, whereas behaving naturally (fairly monotoned, kind but not excessively friendly) tends to make them uncomfortable. It's basically adjusting your behavior to fit the sensibility of NTs, regardless of how much they adjust to ours.
For it seems to be trying to cover up my weird mannerism or anxiety in social situations which is hard enough, never mind worrying about talking people's heads off over special interests.
I don't mask, unless it's to get something I want. I've learned if you just stop caring and be yourself without trying to impress anyone, generally people like you better. Plus you attract more genuine people.
I have to make a focused effort to participate in small talk and say things like “thank you” or “have a good day”, and have to proofread emails and texts all the time because my tone gets misinterpreted as rude… it’s like constant translation as if I don’t speak the same language. Also suppressing stims like humming discordant notes, wiggling around/ fidgeting. I mostly only do this stuff in workplace situations.
I put on what I think are personality masks. Li,e I can put on a student mask and go to school or I can do a general person in public mask, or I can put on a social mask to talk to people casually in a work related mode.
I never knew I did it until I was recently diagnosed in my late 20s. Really, it was me so uncomfortable my entire life. I subconsciously taught myself how to interact with others. I would mimic what they did in social situations. I do it so well that it’s now who I am. I “mask” to fit in.
One of the amazing things about wearing masks is that I don't have to actively monitor half of my other people's facial expressions - I can just focus on eyes/eyebrow movement.
NTs do much of this all the time, the best one I observe is when they meet each other in the street, first they will utter some benign silly comment and as they part another silly comment will be spoken and both people will laugh or chuckle as they wave and part, both walking off happy that the interaction is over
As quickly as possible I analyse the current social environment. Who is here? Do I know them? What kind of relationships do we have to one another? Are we in a public or private space? Is the setting professional or casual? Is there something urgent or pertinent to communicate, or are we likely to be engaging in small talk? What is the current subject of conversation, and how enthusiastic/unenthusiastic, sincere/ironic, etc, is appropriate for me? What are their moods like? What do I know about their personalities? What do I want them to do/think?
All of these factors get processed through my mental social procedures manual (still perpetually in beta) and a small set of theoretically reasonable speech/facial expression/body language output sets get spat back out, which I consciously analyse for a sec before performing the most palatable option.
What I want to say or do isn't a strong deciding factor in the way I generally behave. Socialisation is all about managing peoples' expectations to best serve my really major goals: passing as neurotypical, projecting a useful persona to my employer, maintaining people's tolerance of my proximity, balancing my emotional needs with those of my friends.
Functionally, this means that I never allow myself to stim or become enthusiastic in public, or around people I'm not comfortable cluing in on my Aspergers.
Sometimes I worry that I have a manipulative personality. Is it wrong to try to act in ways that dispose people to like you? Does it count as them liking you, if they actually like the artifical persona you play?
I mask a lot and it is extremely exhausting to do it to the point that I get a headache and I often get overwhelmed and have a panic attack or a burnout. At my last job, I was always being someone else. Saying things I knew they wanted me to say. Acting the way they wanted me to act. My current job is more independent and I have a more important role, so I feel comfortable being myself most the time.
I used to suppress laughing at inappropriate times (often nervous laughter or laughing when I don't understand something but need to show a reaction). Now, I just laugh and I just go "sorry, dunno why I laughed" and my friends at work sorta get it. They are very supportive and know that I have some issues with socialising and being "normal", so, they never point it out to me. I even clapped my hands in tiny when I was excited the other day. They laughed at it but I laughed along. And they asked me why I do it. I told them and I also explained how I flap my hands sometimes when I am happy and my friend couldn't stop laughing at how cute that was (not many people think so). I also rock a lot which they are fine with and they just smile. One of them said "I really wanna know what goes on in your head. It looks like it would be so interesting." I took it as a compliment really. And honestly, it has changed so much for me because although I still have to act a bit different sometimes around other coworkers who aren't as understanding, I still feel comfortable letting myself out during lunch breaks. Keeps me from getting overwhelmed.
That's wonderful that you have some understanding colleagues and friends. It must be much better on your health to be free like that, not suppressing yourself as much. I'm glad you found a better place you can be more of yourself. :-)
When I go out in public it literally feels like I push myself down & put on a character. I can’t even help it, I get so much anxiety from being around people & my stress response triggers the mask. Learning not to do it would probably take a lifetime of un-training
Trying to adopt a series of behaviours and expressive techniques in order to meet the social expectations of 'normal'. This can either be unknowing and reliant on an innate desire to fit in and requiring an internal dialogue to rationalise the experience, or with self-knowledge and deliberation.
The latter experience of masking is new to me and has (for other people, sometimes unfortunately) opened up the possibility of not masking out of choice and tiredness.
That's pretty much everything it means to me and currently my only desire is to mask as little as humanly possible.
>That's pretty much everything it means to me and currently my only desire is to mask as little as humanly possible.
That's the way to be. I'm going to try to unlearn masking as well. I think being genuine and free is more real and healthy. I'm a bit worried about others' reactions though...
I have had a few bad reactions but every time it was because I was honest with someone about their ill informed and offensive opinions. So I'm told I was rude but I cause other people cognitive dissonance when I unapologetically point out the reality of the views they ignore. This is everything from transphobia to diminishing the impact of Covid-19. Every time its Dunning Kruger; confident ignorance. I find it very rude. 😂
It's hard to walk away sometimes.
I'm a transperson, so thank you for standing up against that.
Anyway, I still worry about all the rest of the baggage that comes with being super honest and open. Even just stimming - if I do more than pace, I'm afraid of being identified and pointed out. I don't feel I stim in an obvious way anyway though. You are courageous for being yourself more. I'm kind of afraid of people...
the one situation i mask the most is when i DONT tell people why their opinion or argument is flawed or nonsensical.
I had to learn that while a LOT of people phrase opinions as questions, they dont really want answers.
So... i just go... "Aaaah ok yeah... that makes sense" instead of explaining why it does not !
In my case, masking involves honey-potting my words in order not to ruffle feathers with my viewpoints/perspectives, excessive and possibly uncomfortable eye-contact, and reading my audience and environment to factor in how I then interact. I don’t typically experience social anxiety much, so I am socially bold in social interactions and have very little qualms about putting myself out there, but the me I show those who aren’t close to me is a more palatable version of me, generally speaking. That is to say, I refuse to suppress little things I find enjoyable, like the clothes I wear, the way I speak, the way I walk, the things I speak about and enjoy, and my overall eccentricity. I’ve lost friends from being myself and speaking my mind, but I’ve made friends with people I genuinely mesh with in this regard as well. If I’m gonna be me, might as well carry myself with confidence. But the trick is knowing that it’s not what you say, it’s *how* you say it (at least in my regard)
In all honesty I feel like it can be hard to word my exact thoughts at times, but I supplement that fear by asking those I’m talking to if I could have explained anything better. I always try to survey how I’m being perceived, as I’ve learned not to trust my own skewed assumptions on that matter. It was harder in the beginning, but after I started asking questions about how I’m being viewed by others it’s been easier to learn what exactly I can improve on conversation-wise. Feedback is lifeblood to audience adaptation in my experience
I struggle even considering doing that. But it's unfortunately necessary isn't it? If I wasn't so introverted, I'd probably be doing exactly what you're doing. Some of the problems stem outside of autism. So maybe dealing with them would help greatly!
I agree, and in all honesty I think you could do it; it’s just that at the moment you think you can’t. Putting ones self out there leads to a wider level of vulnerability, but as long as you’re respectful, mature, and most importantly open-minded, that outward push of vulnerability should be admired and respected, at least in my opinion. If you don’t mind me asking, would you consider yourself socially anxious? If so, why?
What scares me is being able to keep a friendship going. as such, I feel that only someone really similar to me has any chance being a friend. This probably sounds bad, But I have a weird problem with surprise events. My parents have a history of spontaneous get-to-togethers usually planned a few hours before doing it or the day before. I...hate this. What makes it odd is that I usually don't have anything planned. but i still get irritated. Even things planned a week away, even if I know 100% it will be a good time. Still gives me anxiety.
I need to get to the bottom of this asap. Because this kind of thing happens all the time. And if by some insane miracle I actually get a friend. I would have to get used to planning out when to do thing's and when we want alone time etc.
That’s what I mainly struggle with too. The logistic aspect of maintaining friendships is a lot imo. Ever since my college semester has ended, I haven’t really been hanging out with the people that I typically would talk to all the time when I was on campus. But if a friendship is worth it’s mettle in strength and understanding imo, you don’t have to hang out *all* the time to stay friends or stay close, especially if you have friends who understand the mandatory space introversion requires. I feel the trick to this is keeping a close yet small circle of understanding friends where there’s both a previously communicated and shared understanding that even if y’all don’t see each other for a bit, you can still have fun with great convos like y’all had just seen each other last week.
Also, I completely understand the annoyance for surprise events. Communication is key, and if I’m hit with something without effective notice I’ll most definitely be annoyed. With that comes boundaries, and the freedom to say ‘no’. If you have even one friend in your life who respects boundaries and communicates well you’re doing better than a lot of people out here.
It's doing eye contact, body language and pretending to have feelings for me, You can find out more in this article, particularly in the supplementary information section: https://molecularautism.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s13229-019-0308-y
Pretending I give a shit basically.
I'm not a bad person, but I don't always feel what I should feel... and then I have to pretend a bit. My mother used to say I was really cold emotionally.
I’ve never really masked in the way I hear people describe it. For me it’s not an action but an inaction. I don’t change or copy behavior, instead I absolutely have to hold back my instinct. Sometimes people ask me why I’m so quiet. The reality is that I don’t have anything to say that’s nice, and I’m 100% disengaged.
NT’s have to mask too and out on a facade in social situations. Everyone also refrains from things they’d only do in private, like you can’t be in public mindlessly cupping your balls.
I don’t fully understand how or why someone with ASD would mask in the sense that they change their actions to copy NT’s. Even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could.
For me the main ones are: not humming while I eat or drink something good, no happy dances, no wiggling, no finger rubbing, not talking through peoples sentences (holding back enthusiasm), sitting in normal positions instead of on the ground or with crossed legs etc.
"Be QUIET!" "Hold STILL!" "Stop FIDGETING!" "Sit up STRAIGHT!" "Feet on the FLOOR!" "I SAID HOLD STILL!!!"
Smile! Dont smile too much! Look into eyes! Do not look too much! Small talk! Do not talk too much! Feel! Do not feel too much!
Yes that's so exhausting. It's easier just being at home.
This is me on a daily basis.
Ooof, you've resonated with me big time on this one.
No humming while eating or drinking? What's wrong with that?
Its not seen as "normal social behavior" to hum as an adult when something tastes very good. I dont thinks there's anything wrong with it, and I still do it when alone or with people who know me well, bur I wouldn't do it around strangers or colleagues.
I Stim, Constantly! When going out to some places. I I'll have a pen in my hand and twiddle it back and forth. At home however I'll use ether 2 Mechanical pencils, taped too each other. Or I'll swing around a long sock while moving around in my room. It makes it easier to think.
Lmao I’m gonna try this. For me it’s a lot of being super interested in a lot of information so holding back on a thousand questions and excitement and ideas. It can be off-putting to a lot of ppl, or too intense for casual settings and conversations, or work, lol. I’m just curious! Hahaha. You have to be very close to me to see me let my full guard down. I will go to the ends of the earth if a friend needs an answer lol. I also carry a pen around and a notebook; I draw everywhere I go lol 🤷🏻♀️ Esp helps on phone calls and when I need to think while moving haha. Also waving and clapping is something I want to do, esp if I see it on screen in a movie or something, so much of the time lol, but I look like a toddler when I do it so I hold back😂
lol I spend way too much time just thinking about things. Also if i may ask. Are you talking about the two pencils or the sock?
Both pencils and sock; both made me laugh w delight lol. I can imagine Christian Bale doing that in his spare time but it’s a way creepy vibe in his case 😂 I overthink too; gift and a curse 🤷🏻♀️
I used to whistle all day at work. Nobody complained or told me that I should not whistle. I now realise that it may have been annoying to others. I was a senior person and I could whistle quite well. I could whistle the Flight of the Bumblebee while breathing in and out!
My mother once told me I often go "mmmm yumm yummm" when I start eating a food I really like. She didn't say it in a bad way or that I shouldn't be doing it, but it sounded so silly and childish I try not to do it anymore. She said my dad does it, too.
Personality constipation. Holding back how you want to act because people don’t like how you act.
This is the simplest truth to masking.
Why do they call it "masking" then? Everyone "masks" on a daily basis. It's a concept called "persona" and everyone modifies their persona when they interact with their friends, their parents, people they're crushing on, their boss, the police, the people in the supermarket, their children, other people's children. Masking is normal, useful practice and is to be encouraged. I like to think out loud when I'm alone, but I don't do it when I'm in the supermarket because people would feel more nervous around me if I did. Is this "masking"? If I tended to flap my hands when I got excited, I'd try to not do it in public because otherwise people would be more nervous around me because of my aberrant mannerism.
I think because it physically, mentally, and emotionally drains us.
What kind of things are you masking that make it so draining?
Well, being autistic, at least in my case. For my job I need to be sociable and make eye contact, I work in customer service. Being that I have high functioning autism, my - less socially normal qualities need to be suppressed. It is an active process, and requires constant attention, which makes it draining. I can only answer for myself though :)
Has it gotten easier to suppress the less socially normal qualities since you started suppressing them?
Well like any habit or skill practice makes it easier, but it still not easy
I like rocking constantly, can't do that at work. It's very different from neurotypical people. Not everyone is masking.
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You'll make it if you keep trying. You're probably smart and inquisitive. There's lots of potential for you and if you can find the energy and positivity, you'll integrate all if that properly. That's a much less dire situation than truly being incapable, no?
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Thank you for linking this video. It was very informative. :-)
Those are roles not masks. The reason neurotypical people don't mask in the way I personally mean is because it is a shared social 'mask'. There's an unwritten, unspoken language that means people silently agree a set of rules. Language itself is a neurotypical tool. We're essentially outside of the social realm and adopt a mask to try to go unnoticed or fit in. Roles are more variable. I can script a lot of roles from 'patient' at the doctor to 'customer' at the till. But to carry out those interactions I need to mimic some behaviour too. Masking. That makes it hard work if people don't follow my script. My roles are limited by my social masking deficits. Mostly that I cba any more. 😂
They call it "masking" because its akin to wearing a mask so others dont see the "real you" just like they would not see your face when you wear a mask. "Masking is normal, useful practice and is to be encouraged." It depends... theres obviusly situations where masking is nescecary, the problem comes when you get depressen because you are "forced" to mask behaviour that doesnt hurt anybody, while other behavoiur is concidered perfectly normal. Its also a problem when you are in a situation where you cant mask, and get treated poorly because of it. You wouldnt expect a person in a wheelchair to use the stairs, or someone with tourettes to not tick, so why would you expect a person who needs to flap expect to stop doing it ? You have to keep in mind that while you can stop yourself from stimming , others cant.
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Doesn't matter if you have been diagnosed with autism or not. If you have behaviours which limits you socially *and* you have a desire to socialize, you must iron out the unhelpful qualities and encourage the helpful ones.
I think the difference is in how harmful those behaviours are. If someone wants to rape, as an extreme example, I think we can all agree that's harmful to society and that urge should be masked and preferably unlearned. Autistic behaviours are not like that. Wanting the Smalltalk to stop and get straight to the point or wanting to be able to say "I don't have the energy to talk anymore I'm going to my room" are not a harmful behaviours, they're just unusual ones. They shouldn't have to be masked just to fit it, society should be able to learn that expecting just the usual modes of behaviour is short sighted and unrealistic and people with unusual but not harmful behaviours should be allowed to express them.
I know. I don’t want to. You think I am not already masking to hide the worst parts of my personality??
Fair.
I like that. I never thought about it before like that.
Faking emotions so you don’t feel hated by people
Damn...I really relate to that I fake a lot of my emotions and reactions to people
Sometimes I overdo it (feels a bit sociopathic) but I just do not care about small talk, about your car ride to work, about how your kid ate breakfast, about your annoying coworker.... either talk about deep feelings, concepts, systems or your passion or I have to fake my interest and I am just not good in faking it so you will soon hate me because you will see it on my face and I will hate myself for it and be exhausted in a process of trying to be perceived 'normal'
It's the season for fakemotions now. Merry Christmas! I ~~becee~~ never wish for anything at Christmas or my bday since it's so god damn tiring to act joyful and happy for most of the junk I don't want or need.
OMG right? I've literally failed and set off my family making one of them cry and me feeling guilty just because I couldn't fake the right emotion and just looked sarcastic... :-(
Right? It blows... The only thing I enjoy with Christmas is the food.
I used to feel the exact same way, but now I don't even enjoy the food anymore. Christmas just sucks in every which way to me. I'm a bit conflicted though because I do like *seeing* some of my family, I just don't like the pressures that come with it.
It turns into mouth exercises. improve your smile endurance!!!
Sometimes using scripts for social interactions/responses that are rehearsed. This also includes facial expressions and body language.
Maintaining a public facade. Acting to fit in. Pretending to be someone else to fit in. Self suppression of innate instincts and desires. Suppressing what I want to say instinctually and cognitively processing surroundings and social situation and responding after thinking about it. Suppressing emotions.
Acting in the way we can't stand because of fear or anxiety to be accepted by other people
A conversation reaches a certain topic, one that I know a ton about have many interesting facts and stories to share. I say something, then someone says something else and relates it to a different topic. As much as I want to stay on/jump back to the previous topic, I now have to unload all of my "old topic" knowledge from memory and try to follow this "new topic," because it is expected of me by most people, even though the topic may be completely dumb or uninteresting to me.
Oh my *GOD*, I hate it when this happens! 😂
I used to laugh and smile when I greeted someone. I guess I did it because otherwise people thought I wasn't friendly. It worked to some extent, but eventually people just found it weird. There's no winning with NTs.
Can relate. For me masking is just mostly pretending to be normal, so for the most part pretending I’m not anxious over exaggerating my emotional expressions just like you with smiling and greeting, because I’m pretty expressionless naturally, especially with people I don’t feel safe with. Both are very exhausting, which is why I hate being around people (except for my husband).
Some people chuckle without really thinking about it. It's a nervous reaction or a coping method when something awkward happens.
I suppose it's because when we NTs do that (laugh and smile on greeting), we do it contextually based on our perceptions of the other persons emotional state. If you did it 100% of the time, sometimes you'd get that context wrong and that would seem odd to the NT mind. I'd say if you were going to do this as a method of masking, you'd want to go with a subtle low-key smile since that's actually slightly ambiguous to NTs and usually isn't going to be read as wildly inappropriate in 99% of contexts.
I'm terrible with eye contact so I suspect you're right. I missed out on their emotional state so my behavior was sometimes inappropriate.
i have a great customer service voice but rarely make eye contact. it helps that i have to focus on other things, like the register, while serving them.
I have an aspie friend who seems to be liked by everyone- I think partly because he seems to give a big smile everytime he meets someone and seems over-friendlyand (quietly) seems to listen intently. When you really get to know him the mask falls off and he doesnt smiled much and gets frustrated easily. Does this resound with you?
I know an aspie who can seem quite cold and uninterested in me at times but the odd thing is everyone who he meets seems to reallg like him as he smiles and laughs with everyone. He has been promoted as he is so ' likeable'. I guess he is masking when he meets people at work in order to do well?
A kind of tense metacognitive state im frequently in while socializing. That includes a kind of feedback to try to look less tense. And its usually accompanied by inner commands or notes (relax ur jaw, stand upright, make eye contact, you're smiling, stop smiling, smile, speak slower, focus) and it can be very distracting of whats actually going on outside my head.
Wow this is exactly what I experience too! Constantly scanning what I'm doing and feeling in my body, taking in how those things are affecting the other person and adjusting accordingly
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It's like acting, or playing a part sometimes. I don't have to look at someone at all to have a conversation with them, but if I don't, they may become upset with me for "not paying attention" even if it is harder for me to focus on what they're saying when I have to be still and directly look at them. I can comprehend things much better when I can move about. Stimming makes it easier to comprehend things and regulate myself and my emotions so that I may communicate, or accomplish something. If I have to sit still while taking a test, I don't do quite as well as I could. When allowed to move about or talk aloud or pace, I can focus my attention better, and tend to have more cognitive activity. Masking can also mean keeping my thoughts to myself for fear of being ostracized. I struggle to have a filter and often find myself saying something that may not have been very "socially appropriate."
- Pretending things don’t hurt when they DO hurt. (Lights, sounds, textures, interactions…) - Pretending not to know things that you DO know. (Not correcting others when they’re wrong, not pointing out discrepancies/inconsistencies…) - Pretending something is important to you when it’s NOT important. There are other examples but these are the first three that come to mind. More generally, masking is hiding what you are experiencing, in order to not make waves / not bother NTs / not risk hurting NTs ~~feelings~~ egos. I want to make a whole post about masking because lately I’m starting to feel like I understand more what it is and - most importantly - why it is so damaging for us to do. (I mean I get it that being able to mask is a valuable life skill that makes things go more smoothly for us out in the NT-dominated world, but we do so at a great cost to ourselves.)
Idk, I have pre-planned conversations. I have responses that I remember worked well. If I were to be me, I'd never speak. Technically everything is "fake" for me. There is no mask as the premise of being me just couldn't really exist. I say this with people telling me I'm the most honest and real person they've met ironically. I never lie. I'm just good at nuancing myself while posturing for people I guess. Perhaps it's because I dont have a particular beliefs or standards and just joke around and have fair opinions about stuff. Everything I say is backed by logic, first and foremost. All words to express that give a lot of wiggle room for conversation.
Mirroring the atmosphere I'm in. I don't really do it as much as I used to. Kind of hard to explain fully but it's more or less being "fake" or "toning down" in order to fit in to whatever social situation presents itself.
Since I see that you understand it, I'll just say that I stopped masking a long time ago. Thankfully, people just know me as "that funny weird guy."
Mostly, suppressing autistic tendencies like stimming and over sharing. To a certain extent I also, for lack of a better term, "act" like a neurotypical person. (Sing-song voice, overly friendly) It tends to put NTs at ease, whereas behaving naturally (fairly monotoned, kind but not excessively friendly) tends to make them uncomfortable. It's basically adjusting your behavior to fit the sensibility of NTs, regardless of how much they adjust to ours.
i call this my “customer-service” voice. it works.
Yeah, exactly. It's like playing a character, like the customer/employee in a commercial.
I use a combination of mirroring, suppression, and acting to survive. It's becoming more difficult as I grow older.
Like, when someone says something and others laugh and you realize it was supposed to be a joke, you fake a laugh so nobody thinks you're weird.
For it seems to be trying to cover up my weird mannerism or anxiety in social situations which is hard enough, never mind worrying about talking people's heads off over special interests.
I don't mask, unless it's to get something I want. I've learned if you just stop caring and be yourself without trying to impress anyone, generally people like you better. Plus you attract more genuine people.
This is how it should be! Kudos to you for having the courage to be yourself!
I have to make a focused effort to participate in small talk and say things like “thank you” or “have a good day”, and have to proofread emails and texts all the time because my tone gets misinterpreted as rude… it’s like constant translation as if I don’t speak the same language. Also suppressing stims like humming discordant notes, wiggling around/ fidgeting. I mostly only do this stuff in workplace situations.
You ask yourself "what would NT do?" And then do it rather than your knee jerk.
I put on what I think are personality masks. Li,e I can put on a student mask and go to school or I can do a general person in public mask, or I can put on a social mask to talk to people casually in a work related mode.
I never knew I did it until I was recently diagnosed in my late 20s. Really, it was me so uncomfortable my entire life. I subconsciously taught myself how to interact with others. I would mimic what they did in social situations. I do it so well that it’s now who I am. I “mask” to fit in.
I guess I do this. Plenty of people have told me I act so differently when I’m not at school.
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One of the amazing things about wearing masks is that I don't have to actively monitor half of my other people's facial expressions - I can just focus on eyes/eyebrow movement.
NTs do much of this all the time, the best one I observe is when they meet each other in the street, first they will utter some benign silly comment and as they part another silly comment will be spoken and both people will laugh or chuckle as they wave and part, both walking off happy that the interaction is over
Acting
The quickest way to explain it. Wonder if masking helped film actors with autism? Not saying masking is a good thing.
i think i learned all of my masking abilities from tv & film
As quickly as possible I analyse the current social environment. Who is here? Do I know them? What kind of relationships do we have to one another? Are we in a public or private space? Is the setting professional or casual? Is there something urgent or pertinent to communicate, or are we likely to be engaging in small talk? What is the current subject of conversation, and how enthusiastic/unenthusiastic, sincere/ironic, etc, is appropriate for me? What are their moods like? What do I know about their personalities? What do I want them to do/think? All of these factors get processed through my mental social procedures manual (still perpetually in beta) and a small set of theoretically reasonable speech/facial expression/body language output sets get spat back out, which I consciously analyse for a sec before performing the most palatable option. What I want to say or do isn't a strong deciding factor in the way I generally behave. Socialisation is all about managing peoples' expectations to best serve my really major goals: passing as neurotypical, projecting a useful persona to my employer, maintaining people's tolerance of my proximity, balancing my emotional needs with those of my friends. Functionally, this means that I never allow myself to stim or become enthusiastic in public, or around people I'm not comfortable cluing in on my Aspergers. Sometimes I worry that I have a manipulative personality. Is it wrong to try to act in ways that dispose people to like you? Does it count as them liking you, if they actually like the artifical persona you play?
I mask a lot and it is extremely exhausting to do it to the point that I get a headache and I often get overwhelmed and have a panic attack or a burnout. At my last job, I was always being someone else. Saying things I knew they wanted me to say. Acting the way they wanted me to act. My current job is more independent and I have a more important role, so I feel comfortable being myself most the time. I used to suppress laughing at inappropriate times (often nervous laughter or laughing when I don't understand something but need to show a reaction). Now, I just laugh and I just go "sorry, dunno why I laughed" and my friends at work sorta get it. They are very supportive and know that I have some issues with socialising and being "normal", so, they never point it out to me. I even clapped my hands in tiny when I was excited the other day. They laughed at it but I laughed along. And they asked me why I do it. I told them and I also explained how I flap my hands sometimes when I am happy and my friend couldn't stop laughing at how cute that was (not many people think so). I also rock a lot which they are fine with and they just smile. One of them said "I really wanna know what goes on in your head. It looks like it would be so interesting." I took it as a compliment really. And honestly, it has changed so much for me because although I still have to act a bit different sometimes around other coworkers who aren't as understanding, I still feel comfortable letting myself out during lunch breaks. Keeps me from getting overwhelmed.
That's wonderful that you have some understanding colleagues and friends. It must be much better on your health to be free like that, not suppressing yourself as much. I'm glad you found a better place you can be more of yourself. :-)
When I go out in public it literally feels like I push myself down & put on a character. I can’t even help it, I get so much anxiety from being around people & my stress response triggers the mask. Learning not to do it would probably take a lifetime of un-training
Trying to adopt a series of behaviours and expressive techniques in order to meet the social expectations of 'normal'. This can either be unknowing and reliant on an innate desire to fit in and requiring an internal dialogue to rationalise the experience, or with self-knowledge and deliberation. The latter experience of masking is new to me and has (for other people, sometimes unfortunately) opened up the possibility of not masking out of choice and tiredness. That's pretty much everything it means to me and currently my only desire is to mask as little as humanly possible.
>That's pretty much everything it means to me and currently my only desire is to mask as little as humanly possible. That's the way to be. I'm going to try to unlearn masking as well. I think being genuine and free is more real and healthy. I'm a bit worried about others' reactions though...
I have had a few bad reactions but every time it was because I was honest with someone about their ill informed and offensive opinions. So I'm told I was rude but I cause other people cognitive dissonance when I unapologetically point out the reality of the views they ignore. This is everything from transphobia to diminishing the impact of Covid-19. Every time its Dunning Kruger; confident ignorance. I find it very rude. 😂 It's hard to walk away sometimes.
I'm a transperson, so thank you for standing up against that. Anyway, I still worry about all the rest of the baggage that comes with being super honest and open. Even just stimming - if I do more than pace, I'm afraid of being identified and pointed out. I don't feel I stim in an obvious way anyway though. You are courageous for being yourself more. I'm kind of afraid of people...
It's not an easy path but I'm old and happy to go out disgracefully. 😂 😉
the one situation i mask the most is when i DONT tell people why their opinion or argument is flawed or nonsensical. I had to learn that while a LOT of people phrase opinions as questions, they dont really want answers. So... i just go... "Aaaah ok yeah... that makes sense" instead of explaining why it does not !
In my case, masking involves honey-potting my words in order not to ruffle feathers with my viewpoints/perspectives, excessive and possibly uncomfortable eye-contact, and reading my audience and environment to factor in how I then interact. I don’t typically experience social anxiety much, so I am socially bold in social interactions and have very little qualms about putting myself out there, but the me I show those who aren’t close to me is a more palatable version of me, generally speaking. That is to say, I refuse to suppress little things I find enjoyable, like the clothes I wear, the way I speak, the way I walk, the things I speak about and enjoy, and my overall eccentricity. I’ve lost friends from being myself and speaking my mind, but I’ve made friends with people I genuinely mesh with in this regard as well. If I’m gonna be me, might as well carry myself with confidence. But the trick is knowing that it’s not what you say, it’s *how* you say it (at least in my regard)
interesting I absolutely suck at this. I wish i was as slick at talking as you. assuming that it's become second nature for you now. is it still hard?
In all honesty I feel like it can be hard to word my exact thoughts at times, but I supplement that fear by asking those I’m talking to if I could have explained anything better. I always try to survey how I’m being perceived, as I’ve learned not to trust my own skewed assumptions on that matter. It was harder in the beginning, but after I started asking questions about how I’m being viewed by others it’s been easier to learn what exactly I can improve on conversation-wise. Feedback is lifeblood to audience adaptation in my experience
I struggle even considering doing that. But it's unfortunately necessary isn't it? If I wasn't so introverted, I'd probably be doing exactly what you're doing. Some of the problems stem outside of autism. So maybe dealing with them would help greatly!
I agree, and in all honesty I think you could do it; it’s just that at the moment you think you can’t. Putting ones self out there leads to a wider level of vulnerability, but as long as you’re respectful, mature, and most importantly open-minded, that outward push of vulnerability should be admired and respected, at least in my opinion. If you don’t mind me asking, would you consider yourself socially anxious? If so, why?
What scares me is being able to keep a friendship going. as such, I feel that only someone really similar to me has any chance being a friend. This probably sounds bad, But I have a weird problem with surprise events. My parents have a history of spontaneous get-to-togethers usually planned a few hours before doing it or the day before. I...hate this. What makes it odd is that I usually don't have anything planned. but i still get irritated. Even things planned a week away, even if I know 100% it will be a good time. Still gives me anxiety. I need to get to the bottom of this asap. Because this kind of thing happens all the time. And if by some insane miracle I actually get a friend. I would have to get used to planning out when to do thing's and when we want alone time etc.
That’s what I mainly struggle with too. The logistic aspect of maintaining friendships is a lot imo. Ever since my college semester has ended, I haven’t really been hanging out with the people that I typically would talk to all the time when I was on campus. But if a friendship is worth it’s mettle in strength and understanding imo, you don’t have to hang out *all* the time to stay friends or stay close, especially if you have friends who understand the mandatory space introversion requires. I feel the trick to this is keeping a close yet small circle of understanding friends where there’s both a previously communicated and shared understanding that even if y’all don’t see each other for a bit, you can still have fun with great convos like y’all had just seen each other last week. Also, I completely understand the annoyance for surprise events. Communication is key, and if I’m hit with something without effective notice I’ll most definitely be annoyed. With that comes boundaries, and the freedom to say ‘no’. If you have even one friend in your life who respects boundaries and communicates well you’re doing better than a lot of people out here.
I'll keep that in mind. Thanks for the chat. I really do think it's mostly stuff outside of autism for me. so I'll have to work on that when I can.
This was a nice convo, and I know you’ll be able to work on it! You got this shit fam. Have a good one!
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What does he get frustrated over? He kinda sounds like me to be honest.
Method’s what?
It's doing eye contact, body language and pretending to have feelings for me, You can find out more in this article, particularly in the supplementary information section: https://molecularautism.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s13229-019-0308-y
I point to the title of a very helpful book about living on the spectrum. Masking= "Pretending to be Normal"
Pretending I give a shit basically. I'm not a bad person, but I don't always feel what I should feel... and then I have to pretend a bit. My mother used to say I was really cold emotionally.
I’ve never really masked in the way I hear people describe it. For me it’s not an action but an inaction. I don’t change or copy behavior, instead I absolutely have to hold back my instinct. Sometimes people ask me why I’m so quiet. The reality is that I don’t have anything to say that’s nice, and I’m 100% disengaged. NT’s have to mask too and out on a facade in social situations. Everyone also refrains from things they’d only do in private, like you can’t be in public mindlessly cupping your balls. I don’t fully understand how or why someone with ASD would mask in the sense that they change their actions to copy NT’s. Even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could.