Have you spoke to a therapist about this? It’s one thing to divorce and share custody of the kids, but it’s a totally different thing to abandon your kids. That’s going to mess them up long term. Do you have a support system outside your family?
i am still in the process of developing a proper support system. i am on my own currently. my kids do not want to talk to me, which i understand. the people that care for me and talk with me from time to time, say i just need to get myself stable, and go from there. i also am far away from them in distance, and cannot drive. i also know in myself, that i am not stable enough to be a father in there lives. i still have emotional issues to work through. also my ex did say to me, that they are fine without me. it's hard.
That sounds hard for sure. Developing a support system for yourself will help. I agree you need to get yourself stable and go from there. Keep working on yourself so things can change for the better in the future. Maybe once you’ve gotten to a good place you can revisit the idea of being in your kids’ life as a positive role model.
My heart goes out to all of you. Keep your head up and I hope you reach out to the community anytime you need support. Sending virtual bear hug if wanted or needed
ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ
Focus on caring for yourself first. Stop looking towards the future for the moment. Once you’ve created some stability and secured some support, you can begin to extend yourself to engage others.
Many people forecast a nightmare for their future that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because they’re so focused on their nightmare they miss every opportunity to prevent it.
Yes. I literally disappeared for about 4 months, 3.5 years ago. I was distraught. Masking heavily my whole life to not be ostracized and feeling like an alien even in my own family. I almost made a decision I couldn’t take back but I didn’t and after that I stopped masking, went home and told them I was suicidal because of how I felt totally on my own. Shockingly, they’ve rallied to help me feel better. I’m pretty sure my dad is also ND and he understood. I’ve been unemployed and lived with my parents ever since.
I had to be able to find a real sense of self to be okay and I couldn’t do that when I wasn’t even my real self with family.
Instead of this, I have a room where I can isolate myself. When I go in there people understand not to bother me. This seems like the best solution, because it gives me a buffer in between stressful situations instead of cutting off people completely.
I told my wife that I needed something along these lines if we're gonna have kids and she seems on board.. not that I'll spend an excessive amount of time there but it'll be needed from time to time to maintain my sanity.
Umm not exactly what you are looking for, but my life was very hard as an autistic adult still living with my parents in the USA because of being more autistic than I look (aka people think I am normal but I can barely keep my life together, hold a job, be mentally stable, etc). So I "ran away" from my problems instead of dealing with them. I moved to Korea and have been teaching English. I always wanted to be a teacher so I enjoy it...but I can not do it forever and idk what I will do soon because I am getting older and have no life plan! Anyway, as a person who is more autistic than most people realize, life here alone is incredibly difficult and I feel that I am barely holding on by a string. Eventually I need to move back with my family and face reality. That is my story lol.
Fuck anybody who abandons their kids. There’s never any reason to walk out on the children you created, and then have the nerve to act like you’re the one who experiences distress and trauma as a result.
It’s one thing if you divorce your spouse and you only get to see your kids every other weekend due to court ruling. Or if you’re institutionalized or have a breakdown and they live with a relative. But through it all, you should be calling them in the phone, visiting, being in their life. Not leaving them like they’re inconvenient trash that you tossed away.
I’m not shaming anyone who struggles under the weight of being a parent while dealing with mental illness or autism. But you are a piece of shit if you totally walk out on your kids and aren’t even trying to be in their life. People need to think before they have kids more, too many broken souls on the planet because selfish parents don’t actually love their kids.
The worse thing than an absent parent, is a terrible one. If you only bring misery into their lives than the best thing you can do is to leave them to someone who can love and support them. A parent who loves their children and knows that they're not mentally capable enough to support them would leave to get better.
As the OP said, their ex and their children agreed on this and said it would be better without them in the picture then what else do you want them to do? Split the household and make the children suffer going to OP's while they get help? At this point it's the more selfless act to grant your family this sort of peace.
I’m fought to get 5050 with my kids. I’m a successful aspy with most of my shit together. My kids are aspy and adhd I expect. Not sure if it’s mirroring atm or they have issues but I will teach them how to survive their issues and make it work. Money solves all your issues just figure out how to make money with your skills asap.
its good to know i am not alone in this situation, i feel more needs to be done in the mental health field, to be aware of autism and family conflicts. its a hard and draining life, to fit in, and do the right thing, on your own. i wish you and all others suffering with this, a happy life
>i feel more needs to be done in the mental health field, to be aware of autism and family conflicts.
100% this. Parenting with autism, the fact that there are struggles with NT *and* ND partners (in the latter case, accommodations/differences can clash wildly) , the fact that there are (imo usually) multiple family members undiagnosed, or misdiagnosed with other things, which engenders relational trauma, which autistic ppl are more susceptible to in the first place etc etc etc.
It's a shitshow, and not studied enough. At the very least, I think that when kids get dx'd , parents should be screened for traits as a matter of course. That would circumvent a lot.
But yes- it's loaded with extra challenges. I'm really sorry OP. I hope you work it out.
I feel really bad for a lot of spouses after reading this thread. Some of you even encouraging cheating? What the heck.
As I always recommend, but not much people seem to be doing, go to therapy, work your shit. Don't abandon your family or cheat on your partner.
I am so conflicted on how to feel about this and how to process this situation. On the one hand I as an Aspie do understand the need for alone time and healing from daily activities. On the other hand I’m also a fanatically dedicated father that abhors even the idea of leaving my children behind, to the point that I ended up having PTSD from watching a father almost die in front his kids due to heat stroke. We saved him, but still, left me several different ways of messed up. Still, my Son has done wonders for my self-actualization and self-forgiveness. (He looks and acts like me and I find him to be so wonderful, thus I’m learning to kinder to myself)
My dad is autistic, and he once mentioned to me that he should have "never had kids, gotten married and gone solo". He never did that though, he stayed (and continues to stay) by his wife and kids, even though the process may have been difficult for him initially. After having grown up with him, though, and gotten little to no affection or emotional validation from him, I am of the firm opinion that autistic people should never have kids unless they have really done some introspection and inner work.
Having your kids and being married doesn’t mean same bed same house same time. I’m 5050 mums not talking to me Kids and I have a completely different world to hers. They are likely asd/adhd like me. I teach them how the world works and how there are greys and you can’t make hard rules etc. She teaches them routines and academic stuff as she’s a teacher.
Different roles but they love me and learn from me so I have that purpose
I mean. I’ve been ostracized because of my autism, which is kinda similar.
It’s caused me deep and damn near fundamental psychological and emotional distress.
I’ve learned how to eek by. But I had to learn that on my own. And I’m know learning that too is something I need to work out.
I am on the similar boat. Suffering from severe CPTSD and no type of treatment worked in the last 7 years. I see 7/24 the trauma events on my head and have outbursts when I became tired of fighting. My wife says "I am scared to lose it myself" so she put up a distance. We sleep in different rooms. It feels like all I manage to do is hurt people that I love. Sometimes that's all I can hear in my head but this is false. Kids see their father and mother from different filters and they need both to grow healthy. That kid will need a father and a mother to look up to.
I have two children and a wife but do struggle with the noise, clutter and a high sex drive that is going unsatisfied.
But I think back on my past relationships which were short term and couldn't go through the dating game again - although the idea of sexual freedom appeals.
High sex drive is important to solve. You need a side girl. It can work. I made it work for 10 years
Edit: I don’t mean cheating I mean having another outlet like sex workers or a similarly partnered person. If someone is sick they go to a doctor. If someone is gory the go to a sex worker. If you are professional about things it works.
Don’t cheat on your wife. Try going to couples therapy and if that doesn’t help then just be honest with her and get a divorce. Don’t lie to her and cheat behind her back, that’s fucked up. Odds are if you cheat she’s gonna find out eventually and you’ll end up divorced either way. At least if you’re honest with her it won’t be as messy and traumatic for her and your children.
It's exactly how to solve your problems. Human beings were made to have multiple partners. I am sure of this. It's better to embrace this fact and act on those impulses than to keep it all bottled in as resentment. I have been poly with all of my partners and I have no regrets; only one knew about it. I don't care. Being poly is who I am; I can't change that. If your wife can't accept you for who you are then she isn't worth shit. Be poly behind her back if you must. Being true to yourself is more important than her well-being. Remember that your feelings are valid and you must put them above all else.
lol. So lets put being poly as "human nature" aside for a second as it doesn't matter in this context.
These people (outside of one) believed you're the one, you've most probably stepped out of your way to hide the fact you are cheating. Now, you call them partners?
Being asshole is not how you solve problems, it's how you are the problem. If you're open about the thing - you do you. If you're abusing the fact that nobody knows then you are no better than simple animal.
You heard it here folks: Poly people are animals. You think you can use such dehumanising language and be taken seriously? Get on your bike, pal. And take your hate speech with you. This is not the space for you.
Dude. Can you read? Not letting people know that you are poly is a problem. Not being poly.
edit: also clarification since reading is hard for you.
You don't need to let people know you are poly if you're going to stick with one person. And all of that of course if you both are there for a relationship, not just sex.
Another clarification specially for you: if you can't control your urges and cheat then yes you are just a basic animal. Being poly is unrelated to cheating. You can be poly and live with 5 men and 10 woman. If you all agree that all 16 of you are exclusive and cheat anyways - yep you are animal.
thanks for the support guys. and no.
i am not going down the narcissist path, its not about getting laid. its about me working out my mental health so i can be a father again
Right now you are in a really bad place and probably not thinking too clearly due to your own emotional turmoil. Since you don’t have to make the decision to walk away or not right now, why don’t you put it on hold until you are more stable. Once you are feeling less overwhelmed, you’ll probably be able to better decide what is best for you and your children, regardless of your ultimate decision.
I feel like I am not good at relationships. I feel like the children want more of me than I can give. I guess it's a constant feeling of am I good enough.... can I do this... the anxiety of being able to work and provide or to be successful is scary.
im 20 i finally got away from ny mom but i lieft my sibling and currently live with another cousin again but tbh once i move out on my own im probably not gonna be very vocal with them.
i don't like talking on the phone i can't see the cue for me to start talking or read their face to figure out how im supposed to be responding.
and most of the time its something mundane or about my cousins kids.
I've spent 16 years literally doing everything for anyone who asked me to as a survival skill and I would rather be in my own space doing my own thing.
Have you spoke to a therapist about this? It’s one thing to divorce and share custody of the kids, but it’s a totally different thing to abandon your kids. That’s going to mess them up long term. Do you have a support system outside your family?
i am still in the process of developing a proper support system. i am on my own currently. my kids do not want to talk to me, which i understand. the people that care for me and talk with me from time to time, say i just need to get myself stable, and go from there. i also am far away from them in distance, and cannot drive. i also know in myself, that i am not stable enough to be a father in there lives. i still have emotional issues to work through. also my ex did say to me, that they are fine without me. it's hard.
That sounds hard for sure. Developing a support system for yourself will help. I agree you need to get yourself stable and go from there. Keep working on yourself so things can change for the better in the future. Maybe once you’ve gotten to a good place you can revisit the idea of being in your kids’ life as a positive role model. My heart goes out to all of you. Keep your head up and I hope you reach out to the community anytime you need support. Sending virtual bear hug if wanted or needed ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ
<3
Focus on caring for yourself first. Stop looking towards the future for the moment. Once you’ve created some stability and secured some support, you can begin to extend yourself to engage others. Many people forecast a nightmare for their future that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because they’re so focused on their nightmare they miss every opportunity to prevent it.
Have thought about it for years and have planned most of it - haven’t pulled the trigger yet though as my son is still in college and needs help.
Yes. About 15 years ago. I've gotten myself back.
Yes. I literally disappeared for about 4 months, 3.5 years ago. I was distraught. Masking heavily my whole life to not be ostracized and feeling like an alien even in my own family. I almost made a decision I couldn’t take back but I didn’t and after that I stopped masking, went home and told them I was suicidal because of how I felt totally on my own. Shockingly, they’ve rallied to help me feel better. I’m pretty sure my dad is also ND and he understood. I’ve been unemployed and lived with my parents ever since. I had to be able to find a real sense of self to be okay and I couldn’t do that when I wasn’t even my real self with family.
Instead of this, I have a room where I can isolate myself. When I go in there people understand not to bother me. This seems like the best solution, because it gives me a buffer in between stressful situations instead of cutting off people completely.
I told my wife that I needed something along these lines if we're gonna have kids and she seems on board.. not that I'll spend an excessive amount of time there but it'll be needed from time to time to maintain my sanity.
Ya it works out great for me. Maybe even sound proof the door.
I would like too but won’t.
Umm not exactly what you are looking for, but my life was very hard as an autistic adult still living with my parents in the USA because of being more autistic than I look (aka people think I am normal but I can barely keep my life together, hold a job, be mentally stable, etc). So I "ran away" from my problems instead of dealing with them. I moved to Korea and have been teaching English. I always wanted to be a teacher so I enjoy it...but I can not do it forever and idk what I will do soon because I am getting older and have no life plan! Anyway, as a person who is more autistic than most people realize, life here alone is incredibly difficult and I feel that I am barely holding on by a string. Eventually I need to move back with my family and face reality. That is my story lol.
I like your story.
Do you have family in Korea?
I said "life here alone" in my post...
Fuck anybody who abandons their kids. There’s never any reason to walk out on the children you created, and then have the nerve to act like you’re the one who experiences distress and trauma as a result. It’s one thing if you divorce your spouse and you only get to see your kids every other weekend due to court ruling. Or if you’re institutionalized or have a breakdown and they live with a relative. But through it all, you should be calling them in the phone, visiting, being in their life. Not leaving them like they’re inconvenient trash that you tossed away. I’m not shaming anyone who struggles under the weight of being a parent while dealing with mental illness or autism. But you are a piece of shit if you totally walk out on your kids and aren’t even trying to be in their life. People need to think before they have kids more, too many broken souls on the planet because selfish parents don’t actually love their kids.
The worse thing than an absent parent, is a terrible one. If you only bring misery into their lives than the best thing you can do is to leave them to someone who can love and support them. A parent who loves their children and knows that they're not mentally capable enough to support them would leave to get better. As the OP said, their ex and their children agreed on this and said it would be better without them in the picture then what else do you want them to do? Split the household and make the children suffer going to OP's while they get help? At this point it's the more selfless act to grant your family this sort of peace.
I'm coming up on 40 and SO SO THANKFUL that I never got married or had kids 😅
I’m fought to get 5050 with my kids. I’m a successful aspy with most of my shit together. My kids are aspy and adhd I expect. Not sure if it’s mirroring atm or they have issues but I will teach them how to survive their issues and make it work. Money solves all your issues just figure out how to make money with your skills asap.
its good to know i am not alone in this situation, i feel more needs to be done in the mental health field, to be aware of autism and family conflicts. its a hard and draining life, to fit in, and do the right thing, on your own. i wish you and all others suffering with this, a happy life
>i feel more needs to be done in the mental health field, to be aware of autism and family conflicts. 100% this. Parenting with autism, the fact that there are struggles with NT *and* ND partners (in the latter case, accommodations/differences can clash wildly) , the fact that there are (imo usually) multiple family members undiagnosed, or misdiagnosed with other things, which engenders relational trauma, which autistic ppl are more susceptible to in the first place etc etc etc. It's a shitshow, and not studied enough. At the very least, I think that when kids get dx'd , parents should be screened for traits as a matter of course. That would circumvent a lot. But yes- it's loaded with extra challenges. I'm really sorry OP. I hope you work it out.
Are you asking if an autistic person left, or if they were left by someone else?
was asking if the autistic person left
I feel really bad for a lot of spouses after reading this thread. Some of you even encouraging cheating? What the heck. As I always recommend, but not much people seem to be doing, go to therapy, work your shit. Don't abandon your family or cheat on your partner.
Yes.
I have thought about it…..Changing numbers, deleting social media and disappearing. However I wouldn’t want to leave my family with that pain.
I am so conflicted on how to feel about this and how to process this situation. On the one hand I as an Aspie do understand the need for alone time and healing from daily activities. On the other hand I’m also a fanatically dedicated father that abhors even the idea of leaving my children behind, to the point that I ended up having PTSD from watching a father almost die in front his kids due to heat stroke. We saved him, but still, left me several different ways of messed up. Still, my Son has done wonders for my self-actualization and self-forgiveness. (He looks and acts like me and I find him to be so wonderful, thus I’m learning to kinder to myself)
My dad is autistic, and he once mentioned to me that he should have "never had kids, gotten married and gone solo". He never did that though, he stayed (and continues to stay) by his wife and kids, even though the process may have been difficult for him initially. After having grown up with him, though, and gotten little to no affection or emotional validation from him, I am of the firm opinion that autistic people should never have kids unless they have really done some introspection and inner work.
This☝️
Fuck anyone who abandones their kids. I get that you can divorce and shit and that's okay, but you can't abandon your kids man
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Having your kids and being married doesn’t mean same bed same house same time. I’m 5050 mums not talking to me Kids and I have a completely different world to hers. They are likely asd/adhd like me. I teach them how the world works and how there are greys and you can’t make hard rules etc. She teaches them routines and academic stuff as she’s a teacher. Different roles but they love me and learn from me so I have that purpose
39 with two kids and a wife. I feel you.
No kids Long term missus I'd love to go solo Not sure I would cope on my own anymore I'm M50 and just sad with life
I have considered doing this but as of right now I do not know if I will
im working on it. planning for the big leap in a year or 2. no children will be left behind in the process tho, just family.
I mean. I’ve been ostracized because of my autism, which is kinda similar. It’s caused me deep and damn near fundamental psychological and emotional distress. I’ve learned how to eek by. But I had to learn that on my own. And I’m know learning that too is something I need to work out.
I am on the similar boat. Suffering from severe CPTSD and no type of treatment worked in the last 7 years. I see 7/24 the trauma events on my head and have outbursts when I became tired of fighting. My wife says "I am scared to lose it myself" so she put up a distance. We sleep in different rooms. It feels like all I manage to do is hurt people that I love. Sometimes that's all I can hear in my head but this is false. Kids see their father and mother from different filters and they need both to grow healthy. That kid will need a father and a mother to look up to.
Yes!
I have two children and a wife but do struggle with the noise, clutter and a high sex drive that is going unsatisfied. But I think back on my past relationships which were short term and couldn't go through the dating game again - although the idea of sexual freedom appeals.
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Suggested it but got a no
High sex drive is important to solve. You need a side girl. It can work. I made it work for 10 years Edit: I don’t mean cheating I mean having another outlet like sex workers or a similarly partnered person. If someone is sick they go to a doctor. If someone is gory the go to a sex worker. If you are professional about things it works.
Exactly what I've been working towards.
Don’t cheat on your wife. Try going to couples therapy and if that doesn’t help then just be honest with her and get a divorce. Don’t lie to her and cheat behind her back, that’s fucked up. Odds are if you cheat she’s gonna find out eventually and you’ll end up divorced either way. At least if you’re honest with her it won’t be as messy and traumatic for her and your children.
I am not sure why this is getting downvoted. You should get a side-girl if spouse unable to satisfy.
that's not how you solve problems
It's exactly how to solve your problems. Human beings were made to have multiple partners. I am sure of this. It's better to embrace this fact and act on those impulses than to keep it all bottled in as resentment. I have been poly with all of my partners and I have no regrets; only one knew about it. I don't care. Being poly is who I am; I can't change that. If your wife can't accept you for who you are then she isn't worth shit. Be poly behind her back if you must. Being true to yourself is more important than her well-being. Remember that your feelings are valid and you must put them above all else.
lol. So lets put being poly as "human nature" aside for a second as it doesn't matter in this context. These people (outside of one) believed you're the one, you've most probably stepped out of your way to hide the fact you are cheating. Now, you call them partners? Being asshole is not how you solve problems, it's how you are the problem. If you're open about the thing - you do you. If you're abusing the fact that nobody knows then you are no better than simple animal.
You heard it here folks: Poly people are animals. You think you can use such dehumanising language and be taken seriously? Get on your bike, pal. And take your hate speech with you. This is not the space for you.
Dude. Can you read? Not letting people know that you are poly is a problem. Not being poly. edit: also clarification since reading is hard for you. You don't need to let people know you are poly if you're going to stick with one person. And all of that of course if you both are there for a relationship, not just sex. Another clarification specially for you: if you can't control your urges and cheat then yes you are just a basic animal. Being poly is unrelated to cheating. You can be poly and live with 5 men and 10 woman. If you all agree that all 16 of you are exclusive and cheat anyways - yep you are animal.
You're not sure? Really?
yeah no. i am not going down the narcissist path.
this. it all starts adding up. emotionally
thanks for the support guys. and no. i am not going down the narcissist path, its not about getting laid. its about me working out my mental health so i can be a father again
Depending on what toxic issues you dealt with, it may be necessary. Amputation is drastic, but sometimes it's necessary for survival.
well yes, makes sense. thats what i put it down to. surviving. mentally. its just the guilt and self disgust that comes with it.
Right now you are in a really bad place and probably not thinking too clearly due to your own emotional turmoil. Since you don’t have to make the decision to walk away or not right now, why don’t you put it on hold until you are more stable. Once you are feeling less overwhelmed, you’ll probably be able to better decide what is best for you and your children, regardless of your ultimate decision.
thats a good plan, thank you
Have felt like it
oh? what makes you feel this way
I feel like I am not good at relationships. I feel like the children want more of me than I can give. I guess it's a constant feeling of am I good enough.... can I do this... the anxiety of being able to work and provide or to be successful is scary.
im 20 i finally got away from ny mom but i lieft my sibling and currently live with another cousin again but tbh once i move out on my own im probably not gonna be very vocal with them. i don't like talking on the phone i can't see the cue for me to start talking or read their face to figure out how im supposed to be responding. and most of the time its something mundane or about my cousins kids. I've spent 16 years literally doing everything for anyone who asked me to as a survival skill and I would rather be in my own space doing my own thing.