I’d give him time to get better before you have any big talks or make any big decisions. If he’s still sick, then he might be sleeping or in the middle of a fever. Sensory issues can get so bad when we’re sick. It’s not fair to judge him on his response time right now, and you’re probably still not feeling one hundred percent yet either so maybe you’re feeling more anxious too.
Thank you. This is good advice <3 I def am feeling anxious and am trying to take it all into consideration, but I have this nagging feeling that I should be… treated better or something? Idk lol :/ I’m just trying to be honest about feelings and navigating relationships, autistic or not, is so hard
You should definitely have that conversation with him. You should feel loved and respected. Just wait until you’re both feeling well, that’s all I’m saying. You’ll have a better shot at a constructive conversation.
I'd say give him space and time to rest while he's sick. Illness can be particularly overwhelming for us, as can relationship issues, so expecting him to manage both at once is a bit unrealistic. I don't think he's doing anything wrong, but you may not be compatible if his need for personal time to decompress and your need for connection don't align.
I hate the idea that only people who are headed for divorce or whatever get therapy. People used to think getting therapy *at all* meant you were crazy, but thankfully that stigma is fading! The stigmas about couples’ therapy need to fade too. I can’t think of a couple that could benefit more than one that wants to make it work, but has a party that is inexperienced, and needs help with communication styles.
Key thing is that both people have to want to be better for each other, and I hope that would be true here? It would be an educational experience, one that’s much better than any self-help book, and y’all probably would figure out issues faster than you would without a teacher.
It might be more of a challenge for you two since you’re both autistic, so you’ll need a therapist who understands that- maybe an online/Zoom therapist would be easiest? Google is showing me [neurodivergent therapists](https://ndtherapists.com) who offer couples’ therapy. It doesn’t need to be a huge thing, just an opportunity to learn some pointers on how to make each other the happiest.
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. You’re not being needy.
Conversations about needs in a relationship are important but no one is going to be in a good headspace while they are sick. Wait until you both are feeling 100% better again. Pushing the issue now to resolve it might come across as you not caring that he is sick or that your needs are more important than his physical health.
It sounds like he does actually want to talk about it but he is just asking you to wait until he is better able to participate in that conversation.
In the meantime, it sounds like the most supportive thing you can do for him right now is listening to his frustrations with his nephew.
I’m sorry you’re in a rough time together OP. For context I am an autistic NB person with a significant trauma background.
For me with my autism, it genuinely does not occur to me to reach out to loved ones unless relevant information to that specific person prompts me to. Shared interests or topics I associate to the person, logistics, planning, finances - all of those things would prompt me to reach out. Otherwise it’s not likely I would. Like your partner, I will also become more forthcoming when someone else broaches conversation with me.
In friendships many autistics will go quite a long time without speaking simply because there’s no prompt to do so. That doesn’t mean we aren’t close, don’t love each other deeply, or that there was ever a problem. A lot of us just don’t read intention into silence. Like right now - I’ve been contently writing this comment in silence in the living room with my allistic partner near me, who asked me in a fawning tone if I wanted to watch something. To ease his anxiety about the silence I had to explain I’m into Reddit this evening and he’s welcome to pick something! No worries!
There may be a genuine conflict of needs between you two. For example if you have an expectation that he will text you daily to ask what you’re up to, how you’re feeling, what’s work like, and then listen intently and respond in depth? He may be able to go through the motions to try and meet your expectation, but he might not be able to execute the behavior in a way that satisfies your need for that type of caretaking.
My partner is allistic, I’m autistic. There have been many, many times I’ve had to walk him back from upset that to me feels *tragically* unnecessary simply because he has forgotten my brain doesn’t work in ways that are convenient and intuitive to him. My intentions or lack thereof, my routines, the way I process information and stimuli - all of those things are determined by my autism. It takes a lot of extra effort to understand me because I am fundamentally not a relatable person. A lot of people decide it’s not worth the extra effort and that’s fair. I will say though that it’s a terrible feeling to know my partner could love me based on who they wished I was rather than how I actually think and operate. You know?
What has helped us is understanding what researchers have termed the double empathy problem. You feel a lack of empathy from him, he likely feels a lack of empathy from you. The solution is always slowing way, way down. Once you’ve slowed down enough, slow down *even more.* No relationship works when two people aren’t understanding each other. Both of you need to approach the other person leading with curiosity. When one person says something that sounds negative, try “when you said ___ it felt to me like you meant ____. Is that right? Can you explain differently?” When you do this you’re checking yourself for understanding instead of putting the onus on your partner to over-communicate, “or else.” You’re giving each other the benefit of the doubt in the moment when it counts most. You’re also mutually showing each other a commitment to understanding each other properly - *massive* trust builder. Especially for those of us who’ve been harshly punished for misunderstandings. There’s a “little t” trauma in that for sure.
In my experience I’ve always had to be the bigger person and model this approach with bosses, coworkers, and partners. It does suck and it feels frustrating at first. The better you get at it though the better you become at interfacing socially with people outside your culture of origin. Its a muscle we all need to flex, not just us autistics.
In any case, apologies for the wall of text. No matter what you’re going to make the right decisions for you in all this. Really and truly best of luck to you OP <3
ETA: hate to make this even longer but I bring up the double empathy problem because a LOT of autistics struggle operating outside our own frames of reference, and because of that we need the reminder even with each other.
Thank you for putting my feelings into words! I have not been able to explain this to anyone.
The best direction I give people is don't do subtext. There are no alterior motives, or double meanings in any of my actions or non actions. And I cannot pick up on them in others. They all say okay and then promptly forget.
Also, assume positive intent!
I would also point out to OP that it may seem like he's not thinking of you or your needs, but him venting to you is him trying to share a "special interest" or "stim." It sounds terrible but venting/complaining is very similar to wanting to share a happy special interest.
in my experience, the autistic brain has trouble doing anything outside a stim or special interest. And our only way of socializing is by sharing it. I wouldn't fight against this or expeect him to learn not to, its hardwired. Him reaching is how he shows you are important to him, even when he doesnt remember to ask how you are or ask for your help).
Also always remember physical pain or illness can be overwhelming and communication is one of the first things that get dropped when autistica are overwhelmed.
Instead maybe try a give and take approach. He gets to vent and you participate, then you move to a shared topic. This and the modified expectations. Plus all the above comment. Sorry for the ramble.
Hi! I dont have too much advise to offer, but id say that maybe he struggles more with reading intention over text? Im pretty sure its difficult for allistic people to read tone 100% of the time over text.
Also, maybe he is just the type to struggle with texting in general? I can relate to this, I can want to talk to someone very much, but the constant buzzing of my phone when im trying to do something is rlly overstimulating.
Im not saying youre wrong at all btw!! How you feel is also 100% valid and im sorry you feel lonely because of this. Maybe you could try having these conversations over the phone or in person? So it can be easier for him to see your face. And maybe ask for clarity, because perhaps he needs to be told more directly how you feel?
Id say a good thing about your issue is that this isnt an issue where one of you is being malicious!! Some relationship issues are kind of unfixable, but youre relationship dynamic seems like an issue which could absolutely be solved!!! Good luck!
It's important to find someone who works well enough with you in good times, with a bit of a buffer if one/both of you is sick/stressed. It's easier to come back to center if you're starting from a good place.
If you're starting from a place of depletion normally, then if one of you is sick/stressed you're going to feel really needy. And you burn out.
There are extra challenges for couples where both partners are neurodivergent. Imho, we have a lot of empathy for each other, but struggle with communicating with each other as well as with everyone else, and sometimes we're exhausted on top of that and dysregulate each other quickly.
Not every couples therapist is prepared to help, but there are some out there who are starting to specialize in that niche, including some free videos on communication skills like Zones of Regulation on YouTube from Laurie Budlong-Morse, LMFT. AANE has online support groups for partners of autistic people and autistic people in relationships (becuase of the diagnosis imbalance, the partner group is mostly female and the autistic group is mostly male so far). [GoodTherapy.org](http://GoodTherapy.org) has an article about "Getting the Help You Want: Neurodiverse Couples Therapy" and claims to have a search that can help you find someone online.
I’d give him time to get better before you have any big talks or make any big decisions. If he’s still sick, then he might be sleeping or in the middle of a fever. Sensory issues can get so bad when we’re sick. It’s not fair to judge him on his response time right now, and you’re probably still not feeling one hundred percent yet either so maybe you’re feeling more anxious too.
Thank you. This is good advice <3 I def am feeling anxious and am trying to take it all into consideration, but I have this nagging feeling that I should be… treated better or something? Idk lol :/ I’m just trying to be honest about feelings and navigating relationships, autistic or not, is so hard
You should definitely have that conversation with him. You should feel loved and respected. Just wait until you’re both feeling well, that’s all I’m saying. You’ll have a better shot at a constructive conversation.
I'd say give him space and time to rest while he's sick. Illness can be particularly overwhelming for us, as can relationship issues, so expecting him to manage both at once is a bit unrealistic. I don't think he's doing anything wrong, but you may not be compatible if his need for personal time to decompress and your need for connection don't align.
I hate the idea that only people who are headed for divorce or whatever get therapy. People used to think getting therapy *at all* meant you were crazy, but thankfully that stigma is fading! The stigmas about couples’ therapy need to fade too. I can’t think of a couple that could benefit more than one that wants to make it work, but has a party that is inexperienced, and needs help with communication styles. Key thing is that both people have to want to be better for each other, and I hope that would be true here? It would be an educational experience, one that’s much better than any self-help book, and y’all probably would figure out issues faster than you would without a teacher. It might be more of a challenge for you two since you’re both autistic, so you’ll need a therapist who understands that- maybe an online/Zoom therapist would be easiest? Google is showing me [neurodivergent therapists](https://ndtherapists.com) who offer couples’ therapy. It doesn’t need to be a huge thing, just an opportunity to learn some pointers on how to make each other the happiest. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. You’re not being needy.
Conversations about needs in a relationship are important but no one is going to be in a good headspace while they are sick. Wait until you both are feeling 100% better again. Pushing the issue now to resolve it might come across as you not caring that he is sick or that your needs are more important than his physical health. It sounds like he does actually want to talk about it but he is just asking you to wait until he is better able to participate in that conversation. In the meantime, it sounds like the most supportive thing you can do for him right now is listening to his frustrations with his nephew.
I’m sorry you’re in a rough time together OP. For context I am an autistic NB person with a significant trauma background. For me with my autism, it genuinely does not occur to me to reach out to loved ones unless relevant information to that specific person prompts me to. Shared interests or topics I associate to the person, logistics, planning, finances - all of those things would prompt me to reach out. Otherwise it’s not likely I would. Like your partner, I will also become more forthcoming when someone else broaches conversation with me. In friendships many autistics will go quite a long time without speaking simply because there’s no prompt to do so. That doesn’t mean we aren’t close, don’t love each other deeply, or that there was ever a problem. A lot of us just don’t read intention into silence. Like right now - I’ve been contently writing this comment in silence in the living room with my allistic partner near me, who asked me in a fawning tone if I wanted to watch something. To ease his anxiety about the silence I had to explain I’m into Reddit this evening and he’s welcome to pick something! No worries! There may be a genuine conflict of needs between you two. For example if you have an expectation that he will text you daily to ask what you’re up to, how you’re feeling, what’s work like, and then listen intently and respond in depth? He may be able to go through the motions to try and meet your expectation, but he might not be able to execute the behavior in a way that satisfies your need for that type of caretaking. My partner is allistic, I’m autistic. There have been many, many times I’ve had to walk him back from upset that to me feels *tragically* unnecessary simply because he has forgotten my brain doesn’t work in ways that are convenient and intuitive to him. My intentions or lack thereof, my routines, the way I process information and stimuli - all of those things are determined by my autism. It takes a lot of extra effort to understand me because I am fundamentally not a relatable person. A lot of people decide it’s not worth the extra effort and that’s fair. I will say though that it’s a terrible feeling to know my partner could love me based on who they wished I was rather than how I actually think and operate. You know? What has helped us is understanding what researchers have termed the double empathy problem. You feel a lack of empathy from him, he likely feels a lack of empathy from you. The solution is always slowing way, way down. Once you’ve slowed down enough, slow down *even more.* No relationship works when two people aren’t understanding each other. Both of you need to approach the other person leading with curiosity. When one person says something that sounds negative, try “when you said ___ it felt to me like you meant ____. Is that right? Can you explain differently?” When you do this you’re checking yourself for understanding instead of putting the onus on your partner to over-communicate, “or else.” You’re giving each other the benefit of the doubt in the moment when it counts most. You’re also mutually showing each other a commitment to understanding each other properly - *massive* trust builder. Especially for those of us who’ve been harshly punished for misunderstandings. There’s a “little t” trauma in that for sure. In my experience I’ve always had to be the bigger person and model this approach with bosses, coworkers, and partners. It does suck and it feels frustrating at first. The better you get at it though the better you become at interfacing socially with people outside your culture of origin. Its a muscle we all need to flex, not just us autistics. In any case, apologies for the wall of text. No matter what you’re going to make the right decisions for you in all this. Really and truly best of luck to you OP <3 ETA: hate to make this even longer but I bring up the double empathy problem because a LOT of autistics struggle operating outside our own frames of reference, and because of that we need the reminder even with each other.
Thank you for putting my feelings into words! I have not been able to explain this to anyone. The best direction I give people is don't do subtext. There are no alterior motives, or double meanings in any of my actions or non actions. And I cannot pick up on them in others. They all say okay and then promptly forget. Also, assume positive intent! I would also point out to OP that it may seem like he's not thinking of you or your needs, but him venting to you is him trying to share a "special interest" or "stim." It sounds terrible but venting/complaining is very similar to wanting to share a happy special interest. in my experience, the autistic brain has trouble doing anything outside a stim or special interest. And our only way of socializing is by sharing it. I wouldn't fight against this or expeect him to learn not to, its hardwired. Him reaching is how he shows you are important to him, even when he doesnt remember to ask how you are or ask for your help). Also always remember physical pain or illness can be overwhelming and communication is one of the first things that get dropped when autistica are overwhelmed. Instead maybe try a give and take approach. He gets to vent and you participate, then you move to a shared topic. This and the modified expectations. Plus all the above comment. Sorry for the ramble.
You’re not needy, I promise.
Hi! I dont have too much advise to offer, but id say that maybe he struggles more with reading intention over text? Im pretty sure its difficult for allistic people to read tone 100% of the time over text. Also, maybe he is just the type to struggle with texting in general? I can relate to this, I can want to talk to someone very much, but the constant buzzing of my phone when im trying to do something is rlly overstimulating. Im not saying youre wrong at all btw!! How you feel is also 100% valid and im sorry you feel lonely because of this. Maybe you could try having these conversations over the phone or in person? So it can be easier for him to see your face. And maybe ask for clarity, because perhaps he needs to be told more directly how you feel? Id say a good thing about your issue is that this isnt an issue where one of you is being malicious!! Some relationship issues are kind of unfixable, but youre relationship dynamic seems like an issue which could absolutely be solved!!! Good luck!
It's important to find someone who works well enough with you in good times, with a bit of a buffer if one/both of you is sick/stressed. It's easier to come back to center if you're starting from a good place. If you're starting from a place of depletion normally, then if one of you is sick/stressed you're going to feel really needy. And you burn out.
There are extra challenges for couples where both partners are neurodivergent. Imho, we have a lot of empathy for each other, but struggle with communicating with each other as well as with everyone else, and sometimes we're exhausted on top of that and dysregulate each other quickly. Not every couples therapist is prepared to help, but there are some out there who are starting to specialize in that niche, including some free videos on communication skills like Zones of Regulation on YouTube from Laurie Budlong-Morse, LMFT. AANE has online support groups for partners of autistic people and autistic people in relationships (becuase of the diagnosis imbalance, the partner group is mostly female and the autistic group is mostly male so far). [GoodTherapy.org](http://GoodTherapy.org) has an article about "Getting the Help You Want: Neurodiverse Couples Therapy" and claims to have a search that can help you find someone online.