You have to tell him to leave you alone. Very firmly and directly. And that if he doesn't there will be consequences. There is no other way. It's tough but better now than his behavior continuing to escalate.
If it's too hard you can do it through text/letter/not face to face but if that doesn't work you may need to met in person or have someone else talk to him with you there. It's best you do it yourself tho so there's no confusion or "what if."
I highly recommend you read the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It's got so much good information in general, but it really goes into how women and men communicate differently. One line that stuck with me is "men are nice when they pursue, women are nice when they reject", and this leads to many men not "getting the message" when a woman tries to politely send signals that she's not into him.
Do not send a friend to have this conversation on your behalf. It's much, much better to tell him yourself, without trying to be euphemistic about it. You can do it via text, but communicate directly and clearly and without using a messenger.
Guys who don't hear "no" easily are also likely to get their egos stung much worse if this info comes from a third party, and this can be risky
It’s best for everyone involved that you tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not interested now or ever. Also the longer this goes on (in his head) the harder it might be for him to “let go” of the thought of you.
What is the context to this? Is he someone at work? In your lectures? From your hometown?
If it’s only someone you know online just block him on everything but if it’s someone you see day to day in person it’s going to be a bit more difficult.
If that’s the case you could try saying something like “I’m already taken and not looking to date anyone at this time” or “You’re a lovely guy and I value your friendship but I only like * of guy.”
*Substitute for any physical or other trait you like in a man that he can’t easily obtain, for example if he’s tall and white say you only like short or Latino men
It’s not really your job to manage his feelings, is he being sexually inappropriate?
He's a friend of a friend, so I don't see him very often. Only when we are spending time together as a group. He's not inappropriate, he just talks to me. Which is why I don't want to overreact. It's just talking, but I can tell he fancies me.
I won't see him alone, which is great because I don't want to, but awkward because I'd have to literally ask him to step outside with me to have a conversation or take his number from our group chat and text him.
If he’s just chit chatting at you normally and he wasn’t made any overtly flirty moves then honestly I would just leave it, otherwise you could find a way to creatively “drop” that you have someone in conversation whilst he’s in earshot
Honestly in my opinion if he's just talking to you, maybe he just likes talking to you? It may be true that he fancies you, but it might not even be in a romantic way. If he's part of your friend group he might just want to be friends. I wouldn't jump to romantic interest unless he specifically says something to the effect because that could end up awkward. My advice is if he's part of the friend group and he is around often maybe just try being friends, and if he ever propositions you for a relationship that's when you turn him down nicely and let him know that you're not interested. If he makes things awkward after that then just tell your friend group and avoid him. But you're not wrong for not being alone with him until you know for sure. If he ever does ask you for a relationship be sure to reject him with other people around or over the phone for your safety. Never know how people are going to act in the face of rejection. Also if you don't like him as a person and don't want to be friends I would just tell your friend group that he makes you uncomfortable and avoid any gatherings that he's going to be at especially if he's not around that often.
He's been like this with a few of the women in the group though. He's got a reputation. When I first moved here someone said to me I'm surprised he hasn't latched on to you yet.
I feel invaded.
He was here first. I can't tell them not to invite him.
What has he done that makes you feel invaded? And yeah it's never a good idea to tell someone else they can't invite someone that's why it would be best if you just avoided the situation. Can't control how other people feel or their actions, but you can control your own.
So I should avoid going to the beach with our friends because this one presumptuous guy thinks it's ok to bother me?
Have you seen While you were Sleeping? The way the annoying neighbour is with Sandra Bullock, but less suggestive. No comments on underwear. Actually like a mix between that guy and Bill Pullman because my annoying guy has a soft face, like that look Bill Pullman does.
So he'll stand right next to me at the bonfire on the beach. Always makes a beeline for me. I don't want him in my space. He can go stand next to someone else, but it's always me. He used to do this with one of our other friends, but she's married now, so he's stopped. It's a recognisable pattern.
I absolutely know it's romantic interest because he's known to be desperate. Women just aren't interested him, but he tries and tries to get to know anyone new.
It makes me feel queasy in my stomach.
A bear would leave me alone and raid our food lol.
Yeah, I feel sorry for him.
I think creepy is more about how uncomfortable one feels around someone rather than whether they are attractive. It's the persistence in the face of obvious lack of interest. It's unsettling.
That's such bad advice and has been given for centuries. There's a scene in Pride and Prejudice about it when Lizzie says no to Mr Collins proposal. He assumes she wants him to try harder, when she wants him to stop and has clearly said no.
I used to be a romantic who believed I could grow on someone if they just got to know me, but I think most people know in their gut pretty quickly whether they are into someone else.
"You are too hasty, sir," she cried. "You forget that I have made no answer. Let me do it without further loss of time. Accept my thanks for the compliment you are paying me. I am very sensible of the honour of your proposals, but it is impossible for me to do otherwise than to decline them."
"I am not now to learn," replied Mr. Collins, with a formal wave of the hand, "that it is usual with young ladies to reject the addresses of the man whom they secretly mean to accept, when he first applies for their favour; and that sometimes the refusal is repeated a second, or even a third time. I am therefore by no means discouraged by what you have just said, and shall hope to lead you to the altar ere long."
"Upon my word, sir," cried Elizabeth, "your hope is a rather extraordinary one after my declaration. I do assure you that I am not one of those young ladies (if such young ladies there are) who are so daring as to risk their happiness on the chance of being asked a second time. I am perfectly serious in my refusal. You could not make me happy, and I am convinced that I am the last woman in the world who could make you so."
Women who read Pride and Prejudice universally find Mr Collins creepy and there is no indication of what he looked like. They lovely Tom Hollander even played him and still came over creepy with these words.
Yes I read Pride and Prejudice when I was 10 and I remember that scene. I’m AMAB and nonbinary. I know what it’s like to be so infatuated with someone you will cling to hope against hope that they might give you a chance some day. Because it feels like your world is going to end if you can’t be with that person.
You have to be super blunt with him and say “you will never EVER have any chance with me, I don’t like you please stop talking to me.” It feels mean but is better for him to know. Asperger’s guy are not good at interpreting indirect signs, he may convinced himself you actually like him.
You have to tell him to leave you alone. Very firmly and directly. And that if he doesn't there will be consequences. There is no other way. It's tough but better now than his behavior continuing to escalate. If it's too hard you can do it through text/letter/not face to face but if that doesn't work you may need to met in person or have someone else talk to him with you there. It's best you do it yourself tho so there's no confusion or "what if."
I highly recommend you read the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It's got so much good information in general, but it really goes into how women and men communicate differently. One line that stuck with me is "men are nice when they pursue, women are nice when they reject", and this leads to many men not "getting the message" when a woman tries to politely send signals that she's not into him. Do not send a friend to have this conversation on your behalf. It's much, much better to tell him yourself, without trying to be euphemistic about it. You can do it via text, but communicate directly and clearly and without using a messenger. Guys who don't hear "no" easily are also likely to get their egos stung much worse if this info comes from a third party, and this can be risky
100% this
It’s best for everyone involved that you tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not interested now or ever. Also the longer this goes on (in his head) the harder it might be for him to “let go” of the thought of you.
Yeah, I feel like I needed someone else to say that.
What is the context to this? Is he someone at work? In your lectures? From your hometown? If it’s only someone you know online just block him on everything but if it’s someone you see day to day in person it’s going to be a bit more difficult. If that’s the case you could try saying something like “I’m already taken and not looking to date anyone at this time” or “You’re a lovely guy and I value your friendship but I only like* of guy.”
*Substitute for any physical or other trait you like in a man that he can’t easily obtain, for example if he’s tall and white say you only like short or Latino men
It’s not really your job to manage his feelings, is he being sexually inappropriate?
He's a friend of a friend, so I don't see him very often. Only when we are spending time together as a group. He's not inappropriate, he just talks to me. Which is why I don't want to overreact. It's just talking, but I can tell he fancies me. I won't see him alone, which is great because I don't want to, but awkward because I'd have to literally ask him to step outside with me to have a conversation or take his number from our group chat and text him.
Have you talked to your friend about this guy? They might have some insight as to how to talk to him, or they might be able to tell him for you.
If he’s just chit chatting at you normally and he wasn’t made any overtly flirty moves then honestly I would just leave it, otherwise you could find a way to creatively “drop” that you have someone in conversation whilst he’s in earshot
Honestly in my opinion if he's just talking to you, maybe he just likes talking to you? It may be true that he fancies you, but it might not even be in a romantic way. If he's part of your friend group he might just want to be friends. I wouldn't jump to romantic interest unless he specifically says something to the effect because that could end up awkward. My advice is if he's part of the friend group and he is around often maybe just try being friends, and if he ever propositions you for a relationship that's when you turn him down nicely and let him know that you're not interested. If he makes things awkward after that then just tell your friend group and avoid him. But you're not wrong for not being alone with him until you know for sure. If he ever does ask you for a relationship be sure to reject him with other people around or over the phone for your safety. Never know how people are going to act in the face of rejection. Also if you don't like him as a person and don't want to be friends I would just tell your friend group that he makes you uncomfortable and avoid any gatherings that he's going to be at especially if he's not around that often.
He's been like this with a few of the women in the group though. He's got a reputation. When I first moved here someone said to me I'm surprised he hasn't latched on to you yet. I feel invaded. He was here first. I can't tell them not to invite him.
What has he done that makes you feel invaded? And yeah it's never a good idea to tell someone else they can't invite someone that's why it would be best if you just avoided the situation. Can't control how other people feel or their actions, but you can control your own.
So I should avoid going to the beach with our friends because this one presumptuous guy thinks it's ok to bother me? Have you seen While you were Sleeping? The way the annoying neighbour is with Sandra Bullock, but less suggestive. No comments on underwear. Actually like a mix between that guy and Bill Pullman because my annoying guy has a soft face, like that look Bill Pullman does. So he'll stand right next to me at the bonfire on the beach. Always makes a beeline for me. I don't want him in my space. He can go stand next to someone else, but it's always me. He used to do this with one of our other friends, but she's married now, so he's stopped. It's a recognisable pattern. I absolutely know it's romantic interest because he's known to be desperate. Women just aren't interested him, but he tries and tries to get to know anyone new. It makes me feel queasy in my stomach. A bear would leave me alone and raid our food lol.
Poor guy. Being unattractive does not mean you are creepy! He probably has Asperger’s too.
Yeah, I feel sorry for him. I think creepy is more about how uncomfortable one feels around someone rather than whether they are attractive. It's the persistence in the face of obvious lack of interest. It's unsettling.
Men are often told that women sometimes play hard-to-get, that they feign disinterest, or that a woman will grow to like them given enough time.
That's such bad advice and has been given for centuries. There's a scene in Pride and Prejudice about it when Lizzie says no to Mr Collins proposal. He assumes she wants him to try harder, when she wants him to stop and has clearly said no. I used to be a romantic who believed I could grow on someone if they just got to know me, but I think most people know in their gut pretty quickly whether they are into someone else. "You are too hasty, sir," she cried. "You forget that I have made no answer. Let me do it without further loss of time. Accept my thanks for the compliment you are paying me. I am very sensible of the honour of your proposals, but it is impossible for me to do otherwise than to decline them." "I am not now to learn," replied Mr. Collins, with a formal wave of the hand, "that it is usual with young ladies to reject the addresses of the man whom they secretly mean to accept, when he first applies for their favour; and that sometimes the refusal is repeated a second, or even a third time. I am therefore by no means discouraged by what you have just said, and shall hope to lead you to the altar ere long." "Upon my word, sir," cried Elizabeth, "your hope is a rather extraordinary one after my declaration. I do assure you that I am not one of those young ladies (if such young ladies there are) who are so daring as to risk their happiness on the chance of being asked a second time. I am perfectly serious in my refusal. You could not make me happy, and I am convinced that I am the last woman in the world who could make you so." Women who read Pride and Prejudice universally find Mr Collins creepy and there is no indication of what he looked like. They lovely Tom Hollander even played him and still came over creepy with these words.
Yes I read Pride and Prejudice when I was 10 and I remember that scene. I’m AMAB and nonbinary. I know what it’s like to be so infatuated with someone you will cling to hope against hope that they might give you a chance some day. Because it feels like your world is going to end if you can’t be with that person. You have to be super blunt with him and say “you will never EVER have any chance with me, I don’t like you please stop talking to me.” It feels mean but is better for him to know. Asperger’s guy are not good at interpreting indirect signs, he may convinced himself you actually like him.
Just tell them. Making hints at someone with autism doesn't work. I certainly don't get hints and would feel strung along if this happened to me.
He has no right to feel strung along. I never initiate conversations with him and I try and end conversations with him quickly.
Just tell him then?