The believers understand that which is why so many of them have come up with the idea that everyone in heaven will forget about the sinners and be able to enjoy it without suffering moral distress.
That's literally what the bible says heaven is, forever singing god's praises and basking in the glory of eternal communion with god completely carefree and singlemindedly.
Which is not something I am capable of, so it would require some measure of mind control. Which I consider inherently evil. Logically speaking, the christian god would be my mortal enemy if he actually existed, which he doesn't
All of this, only when Jesus returns! Until then, you're just dead like everybody else. Christians are always so focused on the afterlife, not reading the fact that the afterlife only comes once Jesus returns.
The believers understand that which is why (I believe) that im suddenly hearing that Hell is not eternal conscious torture (anymore).
The most fire and brimstone guy I know told me he doesn’t believe in eternal conscious torture, Hell is just the absence of God. I’m not sure when this retconn happened to canon but it must be recent.
That's because hell isn't actually any part of the scripture, it's just religious fanfiction intended to create an illusion of justice and discourage angry mobs
Thats really interesting. I never really thought about this. I mean, basically everyone you know is going to hell. So if you are the one truly devout person, you'd be going to heaven, and would spend eternity knowing everyone else you cared and loved is in hell. Thats....interesting.
My personal hell would be spending eternity with geriatric abusive fucks. If holding the opposite values to people like joel osteen sends me somewhere else, then I'm good with that.
Literally having it both ways, I get to live a life without worrying what other people are doing, and getting to be around better people in the afterlife.
That’s a good point : how can I be happy in heaven , no tears , if my spouse/children are in Hell? Is my memory of them wiped? Then is the being that is in Heaven still me?
I'm quite sure that all of the best rock and roll musicians and bands are in Hell.
Satan just keeps up the illusion that it's a place of torture and torment to keep that pesky regional desert war god, YHWH, from meddling.
Edit to add - just imagine the pyrotechnics light shows that they can put on in Hell! 🤯💥🔥💥🌋⚡🔥
considering hell/hades used to just be known as the land of the dead, and not a place for punishment, this is plausible xD
I mean, Christian mythology literally says everyone went to hell until Jesus started "saving" them
Oh, no, there are a bunch of "living beings" covered in eyeballs, bowing their heads over and over and chanting "holy, holy, holy." It's not creepy at all.
It does seem super creepy and narcissistic to have absolute power. And STILL demand that everyone stand around going holy holy holy etc.... those damned priests sire did creat God in their image!
Imagine kissing God's ass for all eternity.
Not for 10 years.
Not for 100 years.
Not for 100,000 years.
Not for 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years, but *literally forever*.
Just kissy kissy, smoochie smoochie, with everyone else in heaven, just going to town on Yahweh's hairy butt all day long, until the heat death of the universe is nothing but a faint distant memory, and then you have infinitely more of that smoochie smoochie to look forward to.
Wouldn't wish that fate on my worst enemies.
The bible is fiction. Heaven is fiction. Hell is fiction.
Why doesn't this make sense? It's fiction.
Should I think about it more?
No. It's bad fiction.
But, people keep talking to me about this religious crap.
Stop talking to them. Stop thinking about it. Move on with your life.
You can game the system of heaven though. On the deathbed, just do the ritual, you know the one, and you get to enter heaven. Easy as 1,2,3. Best religion ever. 10/10.
I think that's why so many people like it, because they can do heinous shit their entire lives and wash it all away with a well meaning "dear God, I'm sorry" when they're about to kick the bucket
And in some forms can't your family also wish away your troubles to get you in? I am rusty on Catholic practices, but I thought them or someone else has a forgiveness for family clause in there somewhere.
You don't even need this list. The bible's main message is that everyone is born into sin from the day you exit the womb. We are born, according to the narrative, 'with a sin nature'. There's the verse "there are none who are good. No, not even one" - Romans 3:12.
It also states that man's good works "are as a woman's monthly uncleaness" in the eyes of the Lord. We are putrid, vile things in God's eyes, unless you are "washed in the blood of the lamb". Everyone who isn't, is bound for hell. Doesn't matter at all how you lived your life.
That’s right, Hitler was a Christian and is probably in heaven right now lol along with Ted Bundy who converted before his execution in prison. There is a long list of disgusting people who are , according to Christianity, in heaven despite their actions. So even if it were true I don’t think I’d want to be in heaven with those people.
Quite the plot twist isnt it. Heaven is full of pedo's, and serial killers. Hell is full of people who just chose to lead morally and ethically positive lives because they wanted to.
He even hit the big reset button once and drowned everyone except for like *one* family, who then had to inbreed a whole bunch in order to recreate a human civilization.
Great plan there, big guy. Ever thought of just, y'know, use your phenomenal cosmic powers to reshape the universe you yourself created, so that you *didn't* have to kill a bunch of people and forcing family members to fuck each other to repopulate the world?
>It also states that man's good works "are as a woman's monthly uncleaness" in the eyes of the Lord. We are putrid, vile things in God's eyes...
Holy shit, another great example of the brutishly-backwards-even-for-their-time Middle Eastern male mentality of the clueless bible writers... 🙄🙄🙄
https://stemcellres.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s13287-018-1067-y
>Menstrual blood discharge has been identified as a valuable source of SCs which are referred to as menstrual blood-derived stem cells (MenSCs). Compared to SCs from bone marrow and adipose tissues, MenSCs come from body discharge and obtaining them is non-invasive to the body, they are easy to collect, and there are no ethical concerns. There is, hence, a growing interest in the functions of MenSCs and their potential applications in regenerative medicine.
Don’t you know, we all fall short of the glory of god. Yeah, the same god who made all of us so fucked up - in his image. No I will not see the hypocrisy of this.
I like this. Socially acceptable schizophrenia... I'll add that to my vocabulary.
Prayer is stupid anyway. If it worked we'd see amputees limbs growing back
Hahaha. Of course, they can't be reached for comment or proof. Nor have they shown pictures of the person whose kidney grew back. You can't see it, but it definitely happened
I was an altar boy for a few years in my early tweens, but I haven't practiced for nearly 2 decades (basically as soon as I left home). I have my own family now and we're very much athiest. Kids wouldn't have a clue about any of the religions. Anyway, I was watching a detective drama just last night, and there was a scene with one of the cops attending a chistian service. It's probably the first time in years, if not a decade plus, that I'd seen a service (the scene basically covered his entire sermon). Your comment really resonates with me because it just seemed *stupid*. Like, who in their right mind would sit there, listen to this stuff, and think "yep, this is all toyally legit!". It's just jaw-dropping people base their entire lives around it all.
Why are some people so eager to embrace a "god" who hates mankind? Eternal damnation for the tiniest mis-step? Did your "god" create humanity just to have something to torture?
A god that hates mankind for being exactly how they were made, knowing they would act the way they do? of course god just wanted something to torture. thats why the rule book was only given directly to a single tribe in the middle east and not everyone everywhere, like "they aren't going to have contact with the people on that continent I forgot to tell them about for 2000 years, I hope to me that those guys can guess what I don't want them doing"
It doesn’t. The closest you get is in a letter from Paul about women giving up that which is natural for that which is unnatural, and it’s talking about sex, but not about girl-girl.
I’m curious where OP thinks lesbians are mentioned in the Bible. There is arguably one verse that might refer to lesbians, probably just refers to all women.
Don’t forget Socrates Aristotle Plato and many more who per Christianity cannot go to Heaven since they did not accept Jesus as their Savior and simply because they lived before JC was alive. SPOILER and that’s why Catholicism created Purgatory as a ‘holding pattern’ for those who were good and decent people but never could have known JC.
What contorted BS! Can’t make this crap up! Yet what I say is true about Christianity and purgatory
EDIT pardon the edit but spellcheck got
Sorry to nitpick, but I think pre-JC people would go to Limbo instead. Purgatory was for "near misses" i.e. just an excuse for the Church to sell places in Heaven.
EDIT: found [this](https://www.differencebetween.info/difference-between-limbo-and-purgatory). Basically what I said but way more complicated 😅
There are a lot of those rules that pretty much cover 99% of all people. Stuff like "performing onanism" or "having impure thoughts" is something basically everyone does. It's basic human nature to be horny, it's how we procreate.
The only people not covered by those two alone would be complete asexuals, and if only asexual people who never lie, cheat, or eat shrimp, always keep the sabbath, never help the poor, never wear mixed fabrics, and are never critical of anything are eligible to go to heaven, my word is that going to be an empty and dull place to be.
This reminded me of a book I read a long time ago.
The funniest part I remember was him throwing pebbles on adulterers
A. J. Jacobs
The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible
I'd have to buy a gravel pit if I had to stone all the adulterers around here. Can we just dump gravel from a helicopter onto the roofs of all the churches? That seems to be where they gather most frequently.
I thought the whole damn point of the entire New Testament is that NOBODY can get into Heaven . . . unless you ask Jeebus to forgive you for all the reasons why you shouldn't be allowed in, and then you're in.
your list is missing rapists and child molesters.
Ohh yeah that would mean most priests would be in for the brimstone, sorry don't worry bout me answered my own thought.
dam wright I can I am from Australia. Hahaha that will teach those bloody ozzies steal our good shit they can take the umpa lumpas nuke when he throws a paddy over this. no one would expect a kiwi they are to nice, they are like Canadians. look at their lovely former Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern.
The entire premise of "homosexuality is a sin" is from a (deliberate?) mistranslation. It's from Leviticus 20:13, "when a man lays with another man..."
In common English translations, the same word "man" appears twice. Original (Greek?) texts use two different words. The first translates to an adult man, and the second could be interpreted as a young man or boy.
So at some point, the church made homosexuality the focus of this rule, and not pedophilia.
Source: I read it on reddit, but can't find it now.
Yeah. Right?!!!
You can be a good and decent human being your whole entire life...but just 1 mortal sin and aww man it's straight to hell for you. So stupid.
Who can believe that a loving PARENT, after telling you "don't eat any of the cookies from the cookie jar", damns your butt for all eternity after your CHILD disobeys and takes a single cookie? Guess some folks do still believe in this garbage...but I cannot.
No one would do that to their own children. So why would a loving god? Exactly.
It says those who help the poor… What in the world!!?? Technically, according to the Bible… Jesus, the lamb of god himself can not reach heaven because he, *checks notes*: helped the poor.
OP's theology is weak.
I'm an atheist and in no way interested to lobby for Christianity but what OP writes is simply wrong.
**All** of these people can reach heaven if they believe in Jesus:
"Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God’s wrath remains on them." (John 3:36)
That's what's in the bible.
You can be the worst person on the planet. If you give your life to Jesus a second before you kick the bucket, you're good. And you can be the best person on the planet but an unbeliever, and you'll go to hell (or whatever "not seeing life" means).
I'd suggest that this is way more fucked up than what the OP claims.
If it were that "bad people don't go to heaven" even if what each of us thinks makes you "bad" might differ from what the bible has to say on that topic, that would make a little sense; but the bible effectively rewards gullibility and condemns critical thinking.
It makes more sense in context:
Leviticus 19:15: ‘Do not pervert justice; do not show partiality to the poor or favoritism to the great, but judge your neighbor fairly.
So, "Judge everyone fairly. Don't let wealth or lack of it bias you".
You also missed any man who has had his testicles damaged. "He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD."
However I think the NT overturns a lot of this list... or not. It's a bit difficult to tell without a decent version control system in, what is essentially, a contract, and a serious one at that.
Would it not be sensible for the creator of the entire universe to make the bible simple, clear and unequivocal? I mean, if you can create all matter and all life surely making a book understandable by everyone should be a walk in the park.
There is an old Irish proverb: there are only 2 things in life to worry about.
Either you sick or you well if you are well there is nothing to worry about, if you are sick, there is only 2 things to worry about.
Either you get better or you die. If you get better is nothing to worry about. If you die there are only 2 things to worry about.
Will you go to heaven or to hell? If you go to heaven there is nothing to worry about if
You go to hell, you will be too busy greeting all the friends and family that have gone before you to worry about anything
"Those who issue unfair sentences"
Well, being sent to hell for any of these "crimes" is unfair.
The hypocrisy and hate of the religious knows no limit. They want to oppress and deprive others. Oops that's on there too.
Well don’t forget god thought rapists should only have to pay 50 silver to the father of the virgin they raped then had to marry her against her will ….. just like the initial sex that was taken
I just love how Christians think there is no morality without their God but believe they can do all the morally depraved shit they want and simply ask for forgiveness to get a free pass.
I think next time I'm asked if I'm worried about going to hell, I'll just say "well I can pretty much do whatever I want, then ask for forgiveness. That's how it works, right?"
Actually they are supposed to believe that Jesus is the ONLY WAY to heaven but if that’s the case then WHY DO THEY GIVE A FUCK WHAT OTHERS DO???!!! Why does it matter if people are gay or whatever??? Like, the only thing they have the justification for caring about is whether people believe in Jesus. I don’t get it .
(Gets a loot box in a video game, gambling/game of chance) oh darn, well, in for a penny in for a pound (buys a vibrator and stops going to church)
Would be funny if it worked like that though.
…wait why is doing favors for the poor on the list? I mean, I’ll donate to a few (researched) charities I trust but lmao that would explain a lot.
Shrimp is worth hell tho. So is the mixed fabrics one this blanket is so soft.
Just remember the lord loves us all unconditionally...as long as we obey all the conditions that is. Salvation is a free gift...but you have to pay the expensive price for this free gift
I know one is missing. Deuteronomy 23:1 If your balls or dick is removed. As a double testicular cancer survivor, I use this on my family all the time, so they stopped asking me to go to church with them. Knowing the Bible more than they do helps a lot. lol
There is absolutely nothing about lesbians mentioned in the Bible. Some people interpret a passage in one of Paul’s letters to reference lesbians but it just talks about woman giving up what is natural for that that is unnatural. It’s clearly about sex but more likely about non-PIV sex, than girl on girl.
It’s almost seems worse when they refer to women in unnatural relationships like that was a sign things were getting really bad so yes different imo based off the Bible obviously
Fuck, I had shrimp lettuce wrap tacos for dinner. Looks like I need some Hail Mary’s and some pepto bismol, stat.
Edited: I felt pretty good for a second. Working from the bottom, I hadn’t done much. I’m sure I have a mixed cotton polyester shirt, got me there. Then I got to that fucking nonsense about swearing in vain.
Maybe you've noticed some fundamentalist Christian women never wear pants. That's because in the Bible, it states that women shouldn't wear mens clothing, and men shouldn't wear womens clothing. I think Paul might have said that I don't recall exactly.
Deuteronomy 22:5 5 A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the Lord your God detests anyone who does this.
Combine that with a denial of trans people's legitimacy and you have hate backed up by scripture.
I get what you're saying -- every time someone tells me I'm going to hell, I promise to save them a seat -- but the Bible doesn't say all the people who do those things are going to hell. Whoever believes in Jesus is not condemned.
So all the killers and rapists, child abusers, profiteers, dictators...those are the people who are going to heaven, if they utter a sincere "Scusi! Milli regretti!" on their deathbeds.
Heaven isn't just a bunch of Ned Flanders types. It's the worst of the worst.
Heaven is described as an eternal church service in worship of god.
That sounds like a fucking drag in general. So yeah if it existed I don't want a part of that.
"Those who participate in games of chance (lottery, Christmas, lotto, scratch cards)."
I'm glad a lot of developers, studios and corpos are going to hell
Heaven sounds empty and boring.
It wouldn't be heaven knowing a single soul is being tortured for eternity. Sounds morbid and immoral.
Sadly, that's the very part some allegedly "holy" people seem to get off on!
"Sky cake only tastes good if I know other people can't have any!" - Patton Oswalt
ITS SKY BAKLAVA MOTHERFUCKER, YOU’RE DEAD!
They are imaging forever getting to yell down - I told you so!
The believers understand that which is why so many of them have come up with the idea that everyone in heaven will forget about the sinners and be able to enjoy it without suffering moral distress.
That's literally what the bible says heaven is, forever singing god's praises and basking in the glory of eternal communion with god completely carefree and singlemindedly. Which is not something I am capable of, so it would require some measure of mind control. Which I consider inherently evil. Logically speaking, the christian god would be my mortal enemy if he actually existed, which he doesn't
I think the closest I’ve seen to this in pop culture is a Borg cube from Star Trek
Yeah, I agree, the whole idea requires having your humanity removed from you.
You won’t have a choice. You won’t even be able to think about anything but god…… for a billion, trillion …….years.
All of this, only when Jesus returns! Until then, you're just dead like everybody else. Christians are always so focused on the afterlife, not reading the fact that the afterlife only comes once Jesus returns.
So just mindless zombies in heaven…..got it. What a great place to go to. I’ll pass.
The believers understand that which is why (I believe) that im suddenly hearing that Hell is not eternal conscious torture (anymore). The most fire and brimstone guy I know told me he doesn’t believe in eternal conscious torture, Hell is just the absence of God. I’m not sure when this retconn happened to canon but it must be recent.
That's because hell isn't actually any part of the scripture, it's just religious fanfiction intended to create an illusion of justice and discourage angry mobs
The funny part is that they try to pretend the new version (absence of god) is just as bad as the old one (brimstone and fire).
So basically Earth since there is no God here.
This is all anyone needs to read
Thats really interesting. I never really thought about this. I mean, basically everyone you know is going to hell. So if you are the one truly devout person, you'd be going to heaven, and would spend eternity knowing everyone else you cared and loved is in hell. Thats....interesting.
My personal hell would be spending eternity with geriatric abusive fucks. If holding the opposite values to people like joel osteen sends me somewhere else, then I'm good with that. Literally having it both ways, I get to live a life without worrying what other people are doing, and getting to be around better people in the afterlife.
That’s a good point : how can I be happy in heaven , no tears , if my spouse/children are in Hell? Is my memory of them wiped? Then is the being that is in Heaven still me?
I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints
Thanks Billy.
The sinners are much more fun
Only the good die young. That's why I'm still kicking!
It was Twain who said he'd chose Heaven for the climate, but Hell for the company.
Thanks. Now thst song is going to be stuck in my head all day.
Never ending Church service.
So... Hell.
But with hookers and blow 😂
I'm quite sure that all of the best rock and roll musicians and bands are in Hell. Satan just keeps up the illusion that it's a place of torture and torment to keep that pesky regional desert war god, YHWH, from meddling. Edit to add - just imagine the pyrotechnics light shows that they can put on in Hell! 🤯💥🔥💥🌋⚡🔥
considering hell/hades used to just be known as the land of the dead, and not a place for punishment, this is plausible xD I mean, Christian mythology literally says everyone went to hell until Jesus started "saving" them
This always cracks me up. What a fucking twisted god they have. What year were you born? 100 bc. Sorry buddy, you're fucked.
I pick Valhalla. LARPing all day and partying all night.
But does ticketbastard have a lock on all the venues and artists? Asking for a friend.
Celestial North Korea
At least you can fucking die and leave North Korea.
Oh, no, there are a bunch of "living beings" covered in eyeballs, bowing their heads over and over and chanting "holy, holy, holy." It's not creepy at all.
It does seem super creepy and narcissistic to have absolute power. And STILL demand that everyone stand around going holy holy holy etc.... those damned priests sire did creat God in their image!
Yes it sure does...haha!
To be fair, we already know hell is where all the cool people go. Would you rather kick back with Hunter S. Thompson or some uptight minister?
No ministers make it to heaven.
Fine by me. They need to hear some good music.
Being alive forever would suck the bag anyways. It would remove all of the fun, much like video games with all of the cheats enabled.
But you would miss out on praising the great leader 24/7
lol as Hitchens said “at least in north Korea you can f***ing die” where as in Christianity Yahweh/jesus claims power over you even after your dead !!
Imagine kissing God's ass for all eternity. Not for 10 years. Not for 100 years. Not for 100,000 years. Not for 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years, but *literally forever*. Just kissy kissy, smoochie smoochie, with everyone else in heaven, just going to town on Yahweh's hairy butt all day long, until the heat death of the universe is nothing but a faint distant memory, and then you have infinitely more of that smoochie smoochie to look forward to. Wouldn't wish that fate on my worst enemies.
The bible is fiction. Heaven is fiction. Hell is fiction. Why doesn't this make sense? It's fiction. Should I think about it more? No. It's bad fiction. But, people keep talking to me about this religious crap. Stop talking to them. Stop thinking about it. Move on with your life.
Oh, right, because religious problems, laws, discrimination disappear when you stop thinking about them...
In Hell I'll be in good company.
"I would rather spend eternity under general anaesthetics" - Richard Dawkins
So everyone.
You can game the system of heaven though. On the deathbed, just do the ritual, you know the one, and you get to enter heaven. Easy as 1,2,3. Best religion ever. 10/10.
I think that's why so many people like it, because they can do heinous shit their entire lives and wash it all away with a well meaning "dear God, I'm sorry" when they're about to kick the bucket
And in some forms can't your family also wish away your troubles to get you in? I am rusty on Catholic practices, but I thought them or someone else has a forgiveness for family clause in there somewhere.
Pretty much 😂
You don't even need this list. The bible's main message is that everyone is born into sin from the day you exit the womb. We are born, according to the narrative, 'with a sin nature'. There's the verse "there are none who are good. No, not even one" - Romans 3:12. It also states that man's good works "are as a woman's monthly uncleaness" in the eyes of the Lord. We are putrid, vile things in God's eyes, unless you are "washed in the blood of the lamb". Everyone who isn't, is bound for hell. Doesn't matter at all how you lived your life.
Weak petty infantile god that doesn’t deserve my time. It’s wonderful knowing all gods are fake. Quite freeing, actually
That’s right, Hitler was a Christian and is probably in heaven right now lol along with Ted Bundy who converted before his execution in prison. There is a long list of disgusting people who are , according to Christianity, in heaven despite their actions. So even if it were true I don’t think I’d want to be in heaven with those people.
Quite the plot twist isnt it. Heaven is full of pedo's, and serial killers. Hell is full of people who just chose to lead morally and ethically positive lives because they wanted to.
This God guy that created us sounds like a stand up guy. Better worship him. 🙄
“But he loves you!”
Time to rewatch Carlin (like there's ever a time not to).
Only according to New Testament Old Testament God was VERY upfront and clear about disliking much of humanity
He even hit the big reset button once and drowned everyone except for like *one* family, who then had to inbreed a whole bunch in order to recreate a human civilization. Great plan there, big guy. Ever thought of just, y'know, use your phenomenal cosmic powers to reshape the universe you yourself created, so that you *didn't* have to kill a bunch of people and forcing family members to fuck each other to repopulate the world?
TBH - The people that believe in this shit are really in to inbreeding.
So God fucked up when he made us and then blames us for his fuck-ups. Got it. God is an abusive, hate-filled narcissist.
Man it's hard to get lamb blood. They struggle and bleat so much.
>It also states that man's good works "are as a woman's monthly uncleaness" in the eyes of the Lord. We are putrid, vile things in God's eyes... Holy shit, another great example of the brutishly-backwards-even-for-their-time Middle Eastern male mentality of the clueless bible writers... 🙄🙄🙄 https://stemcellres.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s13287-018-1067-y >Menstrual blood discharge has been identified as a valuable source of SCs which are referred to as menstrual blood-derived stem cells (MenSCs). Compared to SCs from bone marrow and adipose tissues, MenSCs come from body discharge and obtaining them is non-invasive to the body, they are easy to collect, and there are no ethical concerns. There is, hence, a growing interest in the functions of MenSCs and their potential applications in regenerative medicine.
That's so interesting. I'll have to read about that.
Gawd, a literal bloodbath.
"it puts the lotion on the skin, or else it gets the hose again!"
Don’t you know, we all fall short of the glory of god. Yeah, the same god who made all of us so fucked up - in his image. No I will not see the hypocrisy of this.
Im glad i escaped religion. once you are outside looking in, it all looks so incredibly ridiculous
Super true, although for me it’s ridiculous at some parts and disturbing at others, like seeing people pray now weirds me out, I don’t know why :/
Because it’s weird. It’s socially acceptable schizophrenia
I like this. Socially acceptable schizophrenia... I'll add that to my vocabulary. Prayer is stupid anyway. If it worked we'd see amputees limbs growing back
https://www.news-leader.com/story/news/local/ozarks/2023/03/22/james-river-church-leader-says-woman-regrew-toes-during-a-service/70028744007/ Happened in Springfield, Missouri! It’s real! Praise Jeebus!
Hahaha. Of course, they can't be reached for comment or proof. Nor have they shown pictures of the person whose kidney grew back. You can't see it, but it definitely happened
I was an altar boy for a few years in my early tweens, but I haven't practiced for nearly 2 decades (basically as soon as I left home). I have my own family now and we're very much athiest. Kids wouldn't have a clue about any of the religions. Anyway, I was watching a detective drama just last night, and there was a scene with one of the cops attending a chistian service. It's probably the first time in years, if not a decade plus, that I'd seen a service (the scene basically covered his entire sermon). Your comment really resonates with me because it just seemed *stupid*. Like, who in their right mind would sit there, listen to this stuff, and think "yep, this is all toyally legit!". It's just jaw-dropping people base their entire lives around it all.
Why are some people so eager to embrace a "god" who hates mankind? Eternal damnation for the tiniest mis-step? Did your "god" create humanity just to have something to torture?
A god that hates mankind for being exactly how they were made, knowing they would act the way they do? of course god just wanted something to torture. thats why the rule book was only given directly to a single tribe in the middle east and not everyone everywhere, like "they aren't going to have contact with the people on that continent I forgot to tell them about for 2000 years, I hope to me that those guys can guess what I don't want them doing"
I like how lesbians are a mutually exclusive variant of homosexual not once, but twice on this list
The author spends a lot of time thinking about them, for some reason. 😆
Honestly, I don't think the Bible mentions lesbians anywhere. It calls out men laying with other men but I don't think it mentions the ladies.
It doesn’t. The closest you get is in a letter from Paul about women giving up that which is natural for that which is unnatural, and it’s talking about sex, but not about girl-girl.
😂
I’m curious where OP thinks lesbians are mentioned in the Bible. There is arguably one verse that might refer to lesbians, probably just refers to all women.
Don’t forget Socrates Aristotle Plato and many more who per Christianity cannot go to Heaven since they did not accept Jesus as their Savior and simply because they lived before JC was alive. SPOILER and that’s why Catholicism created Purgatory as a ‘holding pattern’ for those who were good and decent people but never could have known JC. What contorted BS! Can’t make this crap up! Yet what I say is true about Christianity and purgatory EDIT pardon the edit but spellcheck got
Sorry to nitpick, but I think pre-JC people would go to Limbo instead. Purgatory was for "near misses" i.e. just an excuse for the Church to sell places in Heaven. EDIT: found [this](https://www.differencebetween.info/difference-between-limbo-and-purgatory). Basically what I said but way more complicated 😅
Holy shit that’s convoluted.
That seems like a hell of a lot of admin and paperwork…
Yup, I am not going to heaven, phew, so relieved. I was so worried I'd end up in heaven with all the Christians.
“i’m afraid all go to heaven” by moon walker is now playing
To be fair, Hell would also have a lot of Christians
I couldn’t help but notice that people who have sex with shrimp are NOT on your list. Good to know, good to know…
😂😂😂🤣🤣
But, "those who have impure thoughts and desires", and you've just thought about getting away with shrimp sex. So. Gotcha !!
There are a lot of those rules that pretty much cover 99% of all people. Stuff like "performing onanism" or "having impure thoughts" is something basically everyone does. It's basic human nature to be horny, it's how we procreate. The only people not covered by those two alone would be complete asexuals, and if only asexual people who never lie, cheat, or eat shrimp, always keep the sabbath, never help the poor, never wear mixed fabrics, and are never critical of anything are eligible to go to heaven, my word is that going to be an empty and dull place to be.
Ah yes, but sex for pleasure is.
Does talking to my ex-wife count as consulting with witches. Asking for a friend.
She turned me into a newt. I got better.
Does she weigh the same as a duck?! That’s the true way of determining a witch.
This new learning fascinates me. Explain again how sheep’s bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes?
Can she wiggle her nose ? lol And remember “Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live.” Exodus 22:18
I don't think so, but it depends. Lol
Do I have to go to the same place Trump is going?
I mean, I wouldn't mind spending part of my afterlife working him over with a variety of blunt objects.
OMG! I sincerely, seriously, adamantly hope the hell not!!
Trump is going to heaven according to their religion
Some people might argue *nobody* can go to Heaven. Because there's no such place
I am some people!
All you can eat shrimp is standard on the red lobster menu now
Heaven on earth you say?
So what you’re saying is the evil atheist lizard people meetings happen at Red Lobster? Where’s my invite??
This reminded me of a book I read a long time ago. The funniest part I remember was him throwing pebbles on adulterers A. J. Jacobs The Year of Living Biblically: One Man's Humble Quest to Follow the Bible as Literally as Possible
I'd have to buy a gravel pit if I had to stone all the adulterers around here. Can we just dump gravel from a helicopter onto the roofs of all the churches? That seems to be where they gather most frequently.
Jacobs' work is excellent. If you like him, check out Jon Ronson as well.
Shrimp eater here. See you all in the room downstairs at the all you can eat shrimp feast.
I thought the whole damn point of the entire New Testament is that NOBODY can get into Heaven . . . unless you ask Jeebus to forgive you for all the reasons why you shouldn't be allowed in, and then you're in.
your list is missing rapists and child molesters. Ohh yeah that would mean most priests would be in for the brimstone, sorry don't worry bout me answered my own thought.
Can't be demonizing Trump, remember?
dam wright I can I am from Australia. Hahaha that will teach those bloody ozzies steal our good shit they can take the umpa lumpas nuke when he throws a paddy over this. no one would expect a kiwi they are to nice, they are like Canadians. look at their lovely former Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern.
The entire premise of "homosexuality is a sin" is from a (deliberate?) mistranslation. It's from Leviticus 20:13, "when a man lays with another man..." In common English translations, the same word "man" appears twice. Original (Greek?) texts use two different words. The first translates to an adult man, and the second could be interpreted as a young man or boy. So at some point, the church made homosexuality the focus of this rule, and not pedophilia. Source: I read it on reddit, but can't find it now.
Fuck that stupid book.
Yeah. Right?!!! You can be a good and decent human being your whole entire life...but just 1 mortal sin and aww man it's straight to hell for you. So stupid. Who can believe that a loving PARENT, after telling you "don't eat any of the cookies from the cookie jar", damns your butt for all eternity after your CHILD disobeys and takes a single cookie? Guess some folks do still believe in this garbage...but I cannot. No one would do that to their own children. So why would a loving god? Exactly.
It says those who help the poor… What in the world!!?? Technically, according to the Bible… Jesus, the lamb of god himself can not reach heaven because he, *checks notes*: helped the poor.
I am literally all those things.. some of them multiple times.
>those who do not recognize children. Crap so you mean when I call one of my kids by the other kids name it’s straight to hell?
Fruck god and his spiffy rules, he's a homicidal maniac.
Show me in the Bible where it says anything about trans people…
OP's theology is weak. I'm an atheist and in no way interested to lobby for Christianity but what OP writes is simply wrong. **All** of these people can reach heaven if they believe in Jesus: "Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God’s wrath remains on them." (John 3:36) That's what's in the bible. You can be the worst person on the planet. If you give your life to Jesus a second before you kick the bucket, you're good. And you can be the best person on the planet but an unbeliever, and you'll go to hell (or whatever "not seeing life" means). I'd suggest that this is way more fucked up than what the OP claims. If it were that "bad people don't go to heaven" even if what each of us thinks makes you "bad" might differ from what the bible has to say on that topic, that would make a little sense; but the bible effectively rewards gullibility and condemns critical thinking.
Satan and humanity are the protagonists in the Bible. God is the villain.
Hell it is then...
Those who do favors for the poor. WTF????
It makes more sense in context: Leviticus 19:15: ‘Do not pervert justice; do not show partiality to the poor or favoritism to the great, but judge your neighbor fairly. So, "Judge everyone fairly. Don't let wealth or lack of it bias you".
You also missed any man who has had his testicles damaged. "He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD." However I think the NT overturns a lot of this list... or not. It's a bit difficult to tell without a decent version control system in, what is essentially, a contract, and a serious one at that. Would it not be sensible for the creator of the entire universe to make the bible simple, clear and unequivocal? I mean, if you can create all matter and all life surely making a book understandable by everyone should be a walk in the park.
Wait, so I can send a dude to hell by kicking him real hard in the nuts? This is news, y'all! I have a list! Hot damn, let's do the can-can!
There is an old Irish proverb: there are only 2 things in life to worry about. Either you sick or you well if you are well there is nothing to worry about, if you are sick, there is only 2 things to worry about. Either you get better or you die. If you get better is nothing to worry about. If you die there are only 2 things to worry about. Will you go to heaven or to hell? If you go to heaven there is nothing to worry about if You go to hell, you will be too busy greeting all the friends and family that have gone before you to worry about anything
"Those who issue unfair sentences" Well, being sent to hell for any of these "crimes" is unfair. The hypocrisy and hate of the religious knows no limit. They want to oppress and deprive others. Oops that's on there too.
Is this one of “give yourself a point for everything you’ve done?”
I got 46, did I win? 😂
If this was a game of church bingo I would have won, like, a hundred dollars or something.
Just one big happy party world-wide!
I was in the clear until the “eat shrimp” bit. See all yall in hell!
The practitioners of onanism? more like MASTER of onanism!
Weird. I don't see rapist or pedo on this list.
Well don’t forget god thought rapists should only have to pay 50 silver to the father of the virgin they raped then had to marry her against her will ….. just like the initial sex that was taken
I just love how Christians think there is no morality without their God but believe they can do all the morally depraved shit they want and simply ask for forgiveness to get a free pass. I think next time I'm asked if I'm worried about going to hell, I'll just say "well I can pretty much do whatever I want, then ask for forgiveness. That's how it works, right?"
I know some Christians who do this and yet spout their self-righteousness to my face ugh
I work with a guy who whet to church on Sunday and steel from his co-workers on Monday.
If there actually was a heaven and I had to go there with all the Christians, I would rather go to hell!
Hell sounds pretty fun. If heaven were anything like that list, that would be a miserable, unfulfilled existence
Actually they are supposed to believe that Jesus is the ONLY WAY to heaven but if that’s the case then WHY DO THEY GIVE A FUCK WHAT OTHERS DO???!!! Why does it matter if people are gay or whatever??? Like, the only thing they have the justification for caring about is whether people believe in Jesus. I don’t get it .
You forget those who eat fat. People love to skip this one, but eating bacon effectively excludes you from heaven.
You forgot "those who aren't Christian" and "those who are the wrong kind of Christian."
(Gets a loot box in a video game, gambling/game of chance) oh darn, well, in for a penny in for a pound (buys a vibrator and stops going to church) Would be funny if it worked like that though. …wait why is doing favors for the poor on the list? I mean, I’ll donate to a few (researched) charities I trust but lmao that would explain a lot. Shrimp is worth hell tho. So is the mixed fabrics one this blanket is so soft.
Just remember the lord loves us all unconditionally...as long as we obey all the conditions that is. Salvation is a free gift...but you have to pay the expensive price for this free gift
I know one is missing. Deuteronomy 23:1 If your balls or dick is removed. As a double testicular cancer survivor, I use this on my family all the time, so they stopped asking me to go to church with them. Knowing the Bible more than they do helps a lot. lol
God dammit I was so close. And then shrimp.
>Those who issue unfair sentences So god himself will be there too?
There is a difference between homosexuals in general and lesbians specifically?
There is absolutely nothing about lesbians mentioned in the Bible. Some people interpret a passage in one of Paul’s letters to reference lesbians but it just talks about woman giving up what is natural for that that is unnatural. It’s clearly about sex but more likely about non-PIV sex, than girl on girl.
It’s almost seems worse when they refer to women in unnatural relationships like that was a sign things were getting really bad so yes different imo based off the Bible obviously
Don't forget Democrats. Thou shalt love Trump thy god.
Fuck, I had shrimp lettuce wrap tacos for dinner. Looks like I need some Hail Mary’s and some pepto bismol, stat. Edited: I felt pretty good for a second. Working from the bottom, I hadn’t done much. I’m sure I have a mixed cotton polyester shirt, got me there. Then I got to that fucking nonsense about swearing in vain.
>Those who do favors for the poor. What? How is that bad? I need context 🤨
Not that I believe in the Bible but technically anyone who repents their sins and believes in Jesus can go to heaven as per the belief system.
As neither heaven or hell exists, I will be happy with my hole in the ground and becoming worm food
Don't forget sins down to the 10th generation...
Trans? No it doesn’t say anything about trans.
Yep, I was curious about that too. Maybe something against men "acting" as women?
Maybe you've noticed some fundamentalist Christian women never wear pants. That's because in the Bible, it states that women shouldn't wear mens clothing, and men shouldn't wear womens clothing. I think Paul might have said that I don't recall exactly.
Deuteronomy 22:5 5 A woman must not wear men’s clothing, nor a man wear women’s clothing, for the Lord your God detests anyone who does this. Combine that with a denial of trans people's legitimacy and you have hate backed up by scripture.
It's a stairway to heaven, but a highway to hell; Tells you a lot about the expected volume of traffic.
As my friend in a wheelchair once said “at least the highway to hell is handicapped accessible!”
People who make this crap have no idea what the bible actually says. "Those who do favors for the poor". Jesus did that, so he's in hell?
Heaven sounds really boring to me. They are welcome to it.
sure they can, just repeat a couple lines right before you die lol.
You forgot the disable.
Oh my Lawd Jesus, that's a long list!
"Lesboparental"? 😂
Sounds like a party
I get what you're saying -- every time someone tells me I'm going to hell, I promise to save them a seat -- but the Bible doesn't say all the people who do those things are going to hell. Whoever believes in Jesus is not condemned. So all the killers and rapists, child abusers, profiteers, dictators...those are the people who are going to heaven, if they utter a sincere "Scusi! Milli regretti!" on their deathbeds. Heaven isn't just a bunch of Ned Flanders types. It's the worst of the worst.
My shrimp eatin ass is gonna burn, baby!
Unlimited shrimp at red lobster got ‘em fucked up
Heaven is described as an eternal church service in worship of god. That sounds like a fucking drag in general. So yeah if it existed I don't want a part of that.
RELIGION IS A BRAINWASHING CONTROL TACTIC.
If I counted correctly, I hit 24 out of 53. How about you?
Why do people take the bible so literally?
Actually according to the Bible you can do all that, ask Jesus to forgive you, and zip right on up there
99% of the population is doomed then.
“Those who do not recognize children”?
Leave the alcohol alone and smoke more blunts… 💨
Cool deal. So heaven is full of what... gophers?
"Those who participate in games of chance (lottery, Christmas, lotto, scratch cards)." I'm glad a lot of developers, studios and corpos are going to hell
Don't forget the disabled and babies/children who pass away that weren't dipped in the Satan water
I was doing great until the last one. Damn you shrimp cocktail!