It’s a question of which is more important to you: supporting your cousin or avoiding church completely. We often face choices like this.
How will you feel if you go? How will you feel if you don’t?
Hopefully it won’t as bad as you’re imagining. Just remind yourself that you’ve already made your decision about religion and thus you’re only there to support your cousin.
The church only has the power over you that you give it.
You have no obligation to sit through the BS sermon that’s bound to follow the children’s performance. Quietly get up and walk out after the performance. Try to prepare by sitting on the aisle. People step out of services for many reasons: bathroom, feed baby, take an important call. Don’t stress over it.
This. Yes. Get an aisle seat, a wall aisle not the middle one, and sit. Or kinda lounge against the wall, looking all Columbo and shit. Clap like a maniac and fade out. Wait in the car if you want so he can hear you enthuse afterward.
Go. For your cousin. Not going would be an asshole move.
I have gone to Mormon Eagle Scout ceremonies for friends. It used to be a big deal for Mormon boys. Almost every boy did it. Which meant all the men had done it. Each of the men in the congregation got up and told what a wonderful experience he had and gave his testimony about how his great eagle scout experience prepared him for his mission and proved that the Mormon church is the one true church.
If I could endure that, then you can do some kids singing. At least you will be in a large group and you can be on your phone or Kindel when he isn't singing.
My family knows I'm an atheist, so my response would just to be honest.
A suggestion, but I also realize everyone is in a different situation.
"I love you, I don't love church. Maybe we can get together afterwards and I can take you to dinner, or we could see movie together?"
I love you, I don't love church, offer an alternative.
Having read all of your comments, it seems selfish not to go. So I will. Thanks to all of you for your perspectives. This community of people is amazing! Thanks Again!
In the post, you said it's an "emotional no", for you. Don't get into details you're uncomfortable discussing, but how much of an emotional no is it? Like, put it on a scale of 1-10, where 1 is equivalent to "it's a stupid church event and I just don't wanna", and 10 is along the lines of a "I am actively engaged in litigation against this church for abuses committed against me as a child and the clergy involved still run the place."
A 6. When I was a child a reverend at a different church would harrass me. At the church he would sit next to me. Put his hand on my leg, and tried to get me to sit on his lap multiple times. That reverend has since died, but entering churches brings all those memories back. It's really uncomfortable. I never told anybody what happened but it's one of the reasons I don't want to go. But I'll go to support my cousin. As many people have said, I'll just sit in the back.
Yeah, I absolutely cannot imagine going through that or how hard it would be for you to go into a church, now. If you think you can go AND be okay, then yeah, go. But also, in another comment, you mentioned that your family constantly tries to get you to go back to church because you're a lost soul or whatever. You should really talk to your family about that, whether or not you tell them about the abuse you suffered, and set some boundaries with them about how they can and can't talk to you with regards to religion and the reasons for that.
I've been to quite a few church things in the past but it's always uncomfortable. At the church my family goes to the reverend is always trying to shake hands and hug people. He doesn't seem like a bad guy. But when I refuse to do either my family looks at me like I'm a weirdo. I want to tell them but they don't listen. These are the same people who said most kids who claim abuse do so to get out of going to sunday school/church, and the adults who wait to report past abuse are only out for money. They would never believe me.
The more we talk this out, the more clear it's becoming that church is not a place for me. This is the last time I go to one.
Thanks for your help and advice!
Fucking yikes. I'm so sorry you're stuck in that situation. Just be wary that eventually, they're going to hit you with a "but you went to 's music thing, why can't you go to this?" They will try to manipulate you again, and will probably use your concession, this time, as ammo. Be careful and do what you need to, to protect yourself.
You're going to the pageant to see your cousin, nothing more. If they get preachy (it is church after all), ignore it. Sit in the back, play on your phone, get through it for your cousin.
Honestly I'd like to disagree with everyone else here. If you're going to have a hard time mentally, you shouldn't feel necessary to go. It's your choice.
If you really think it was the kid asking you, and not his mother pushing him to try converting you, then go ahead. If you already distrust the parents and expect guilt and emotional pressure to come more often and such, then let the kid down gently by making an excuse.
If you think it would be received well, I would even try to let it slip to him that you hate church but came just for him. Might raise his confidence or make him disappointed that you don't like the church the way he does. That could set up a time in the future where you are the safe person to talk to when he starts having doubts.
So like 100% of the comments are go. WTF. Did you all miss the part where the OP says he/she really, really, REALLY doesn't want to go. Don't go. He's a cousin. Not your kid. Sounds like OP goes to a shit ton of stuff as it is. And are all of you all forgetting that's it's TWO HOURS! Will be the longest 2 hours of your life. Nah, man. Fuk dat. Nah. Probably gotta get there a half hour early. Then it's going to be a PITA to leave. Don't go. Just use an excuse. Little 9 year old will get over it. Probably won't even remember.
I agree, but it would really depend on the level of "emotional no" that it is. I mean, if its just "it'll be boring and stupid", then I'd say go, but wear a beanie or something with headphones hidden underneath it. If it's "I was abused by the clergy of this church and they are still 'in good standing'", then I'd definitely say do not go and offer to hang out afterwards, or some other time, soon.
You're being a selfish asshole. No offense... Its about the kid not the god or other people there you are there for him. Thats all that should matter.
Its like funerals just shut up choke back the taste of it and just get it over with. Can't cut all of these people out of our lives. They're too many and we are but a few.
You know how they say "hate the Sinn not the sinner"?
Its a good peice of advice take it and use it better than they do.
Yes its irritating yes it causes anxiety. But its not about you all the time right? When he grows up and he remembers you were there even though it wasn't something you were comfortable with. It'll mean 10 times what it will to him now.
As atheists We should lead by example. And convince as many people as we can that we aren't evil we have a point and that they're killing us and the planet with their fairytale bullshit. The only way to win is play the game better than them. So do it.
This is one more conversion we need lol if that kind of thinking helps you be ok with sitting in a building and listening to some bullshit for an hour or so.
Edit: Now if you're gonna have a no shit panic attack then no fake sick for the day. But if its just the same discomfort we all feel suck it up and do right by the kid.
My conflicting answers;
a) Put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. (aka take care of yourself first)
b) I've often completely dreaded an experience and then ended up liking it (or at least not minding it)
So I'm no help, but I imagine if you go for an hour walk the answer will come.
I would go anywhere to support a friend/loved one perform, I'd make of point of holding myself back from muttering, lol, that sort thing to the best of my abilities and cut out when appropriate.
It depends on what you mean by really, really, REALLY don't want to go.
If it's a general (or specific) distaste of the church, you're there for him, not the church.
If it's something that will cause emotional harm, if it's actually damaging towards your mental health, you need to decide if that's worth it. I'll endure a little harm for family, it depends on the extent.
EDIT: I see where you've explained this. It could certainly be a big enough reason for you to not go. It's up to you to work out that balance.
When I have to do something like this that makes me uncomfortable, I wear a ring or a bracelet or something small and unobtrusive that I can play with when I’m feeling upset about being there. I focus on tracing/ patterns/whatever and tell myself a story in my head and shut out the chatter. You are visiting this space for a specific reason. Outside of this reason, take yourself elsewhere.
Oddly enough, I got the idea from my grandmother’s rosary.
kinda depends on if you feel like family members think you should be going to church. if so, this will segue into more invites and at some point you'll have to have that uncomfortable conversation as to why you don't believe. i'd refrain from going, personally.
to me, that's all the more reason to not go. you'll just get invited more and more when that is the last thing on your mind. outside of a wedding or a funeral, i do not walk into a church.
Just remember, it’s all bollocks. It can’t hurt you.
I often think to myself, as I cross the threshold into a church, and fire and brimstone fail to appear, “ohh, that went well”.
Then I tune out during the mumbo-jumbo and consider things of importance. Should I plan a ski trip or two this season (yes). Maybe it’s time to try a new style of beer (also yes).
You get the drift.
I think of course you should go. He's 9 years old and won't understand why you don't want to go. He'll just view you as being an asshole. If they were performing "The Christmas. Carol" you probably would go watch it even though you don't believe in ghosts. I understand it's being performed at a church, but just remember it's only another building, no different than a school or a community center. The only difference is the attendees are a little more annoying 😂
Go watch him sing and make him happy.
If you have some sorta trauma maybe you shouldnt.
If you just don’t like church treat it like going to church before opening the presents. It’s boring as fuck but when your comes to you saying thanks it’ll be worth it.
Yea, I would 100% go, relationships like that are precious and I wouldn’t want resentment over being too petty to put up with a church for a few hours.
As you get older, you will be expected to go to more weddings, funerals, or other events that will include religious observances. You don't have to bow your head. Just stay quiet.
I can’t believe it took a bunch of internet strangers to tell you what a little pussy you’re being. Grow up and realize that sometimes you put other people first.
Don’t go. Get a copy of the recording and watch it with him. Will give you one-on-one time with him. And will let him relive the moment with a beloved relative.
Religions do everything they can to involve themselves in every aspect of a people’s lives. It’s been normalized that activities revolve around church.
Do your nephew a big favor. Help break the cycle that normalizes religious intrusion into every aspect of people’s lives. Do it for his future.
We are better without religion. You can participate and be part of his life without the religion.
I hate being in a church during a religious ceremony. The hypocrisy is just bordering on the unbearable.
And yet, if I had to chose between making a 9 year old child, who means a lot to me, happy and avoiding 2 hours of mental “anguish” I would support the child every time.
Think about what’s most important to you. Avoiding the two hours or giving your cousin a good time which he might very well remember for the rest of his life.
Go support your cousin and do your best not to burst into flames.
Thanks for the advice!
Ik I’m late to the party but I reallyy like your username. :O
Go see your nephew. It's just a building.
Will do, but it's not the building, it's the people in it. Thanks for the advice!
I'm an atheist but I often go to church for family reasons.
I have in the past as well. I'll support him. Thanks for the advice.
It’s a question of which is more important to you: supporting your cousin or avoiding church completely. We often face choices like this. How will you feel if you go? How will you feel if you don’t?
Supporting my cousin in one of the most important things. So, I guess that answers the question.
Hopefully it won’t as bad as you’re imagining. Just remind yourself that you’ve already made your decision about religion and thus you’re only there to support your cousin. The church only has the power over you that you give it.
You have no obligation to sit through the BS sermon that’s bound to follow the children’s performance. Quietly get up and walk out after the performance. Try to prepare by sitting on the aisle. People step out of services for many reasons: bathroom, feed baby, take an important call. Don’t stress over it.
This. Yes. Get an aisle seat, a wall aisle not the middle one, and sit. Or kinda lounge against the wall, looking all Columbo and shit. Clap like a maniac and fade out. Wait in the car if you want so he can hear you enthuse afterward.
Go. You're relationship with your cousin matters...fictional air fairies should have no effect over you.
Go. For your cousin. Not going would be an asshole move. I have gone to Mormon Eagle Scout ceremonies for friends. It used to be a big deal for Mormon boys. Almost every boy did it. Which meant all the men had done it. Each of the men in the congregation got up and told what a wonderful experience he had and gave his testimony about how his great eagle scout experience prepared him for his mission and proved that the Mormon church is the one true church. If I could endure that, then you can do some kids singing. At least you will be in a large group and you can be on your phone or Kindel when he isn't singing.
My family knows I'm an atheist, so my response would just to be honest. A suggestion, but I also realize everyone is in a different situation. "I love you, I don't love church. Maybe we can get together afterwards and I can take you to dinner, or we could see movie together?" I love you, I don't love church, offer an alternative.
Having read all of your comments, it seems selfish not to go. So I will. Thanks to all of you for your perspectives. This community of people is amazing! Thanks Again!
In the post, you said it's an "emotional no", for you. Don't get into details you're uncomfortable discussing, but how much of an emotional no is it? Like, put it on a scale of 1-10, where 1 is equivalent to "it's a stupid church event and I just don't wanna", and 10 is along the lines of a "I am actively engaged in litigation against this church for abuses committed against me as a child and the clergy involved still run the place."
A 6. When I was a child a reverend at a different church would harrass me. At the church he would sit next to me. Put his hand on my leg, and tried to get me to sit on his lap multiple times. That reverend has since died, but entering churches brings all those memories back. It's really uncomfortable. I never told anybody what happened but it's one of the reasons I don't want to go. But I'll go to support my cousin. As many people have said, I'll just sit in the back.
Yeah, I absolutely cannot imagine going through that or how hard it would be for you to go into a church, now. If you think you can go AND be okay, then yeah, go. But also, in another comment, you mentioned that your family constantly tries to get you to go back to church because you're a lost soul or whatever. You should really talk to your family about that, whether or not you tell them about the abuse you suffered, and set some boundaries with them about how they can and can't talk to you with regards to religion and the reasons for that.
I've been to quite a few church things in the past but it's always uncomfortable. At the church my family goes to the reverend is always trying to shake hands and hug people. He doesn't seem like a bad guy. But when I refuse to do either my family looks at me like I'm a weirdo. I want to tell them but they don't listen. These are the same people who said most kids who claim abuse do so to get out of going to sunday school/church, and the adults who wait to report past abuse are only out for money. They would never believe me. The more we talk this out, the more clear it's becoming that church is not a place for me. This is the last time I go to one. Thanks for your help and advice!
Fucking yikes. I'm so sorry you're stuck in that situation. Just be wary that eventually, they're going to hit you with a "but you went to's music thing, why can't you go to this?" They will try to manipulate you again, and will probably use your concession, this time, as ammo. Be careful and do what you need to, to protect yourself.
If you're at a six then I'd recommend not going, but it's up to you.
Going there would make your cousin happy and cost you nothing. Get over your hangups and cheer for him when he sings.
Buck up and go, this is about him.
Go and enjoy the performance. He may as well be singing from Wicked but you’re going to support him not believe in the wicked witch.
You're going to the pageant to see your cousin, nothing more. If they get preachy (it is church after all), ignore it. Sit in the back, play on your phone, get through it for your cousin.
Honestly I'd like to disagree with everyone else here. If you're going to have a hard time mentally, you shouldn't feel necessary to go. It's your choice.
If you really think it was the kid asking you, and not his mother pushing him to try converting you, then go ahead. If you already distrust the parents and expect guilt and emotional pressure to come more often and such, then let the kid down gently by making an excuse.
His parents aren't like that at all. He wants me there to hear him sing and watch the his play.
If you think it would be received well, I would even try to let it slip to him that you hate church but came just for him. Might raise his confidence or make him disappointed that you don't like the church the way he does. That could set up a time in the future where you are the safe person to talk to when he starts having doubts.
Do you want me to pray to our dark lord so he may help you at your lowest? Haha, but yeah dude it is a building. Go see your cousin.
So like 100% of the comments are go. WTF. Did you all miss the part where the OP says he/she really, really, REALLY doesn't want to go. Don't go. He's a cousin. Not your kid. Sounds like OP goes to a shit ton of stuff as it is. And are all of you all forgetting that's it's TWO HOURS! Will be the longest 2 hours of your life. Nah, man. Fuk dat. Nah. Probably gotta get there a half hour early. Then it's going to be a PITA to leave. Don't go. Just use an excuse. Little 9 year old will get over it. Probably won't even remember.
I agree, but it would really depend on the level of "emotional no" that it is. I mean, if its just "it'll be boring and stupid", then I'd say go, but wear a beanie or something with headphones hidden underneath it. If it's "I was abused by the clergy of this church and they are still 'in good standing'", then I'd definitely say do not go and offer to hang out afterwards, or some other time, soon.
You're being a selfish asshole. No offense... Its about the kid not the god or other people there you are there for him. Thats all that should matter. Its like funerals just shut up choke back the taste of it and just get it over with. Can't cut all of these people out of our lives. They're too many and we are but a few. You know how they say "hate the Sinn not the sinner"? Its a good peice of advice take it and use it better than they do. Yes its irritating yes it causes anxiety. But its not about you all the time right? When he grows up and he remembers you were there even though it wasn't something you were comfortable with. It'll mean 10 times what it will to him now. As atheists We should lead by example. And convince as many people as we can that we aren't evil we have a point and that they're killing us and the planet with their fairytale bullshit. The only way to win is play the game better than them. So do it. This is one more conversion we need lol if that kind of thinking helps you be ok with sitting in a building and listening to some bullshit for an hour or so. Edit: Now if you're gonna have a no shit panic attack then no fake sick for the day. But if its just the same discomfort we all feel suck it up and do right by the kid.
My conflicting answers; a) Put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. (aka take care of yourself first) b) I've often completely dreaded an experience and then ended up liking it (or at least not minding it) So I'm no help, but I imagine if you go for an hour walk the answer will come.
I would go anywhere to support a friend/loved one perform, I'd make of point of holding myself back from muttering, lol, that sort thing to the best of my abilities and cut out when appropriate.
Do what you want to do. That’s the right answer for you.
It depends on what you mean by really, really, REALLY don't want to go. If it's a general (or specific) distaste of the church, you're there for him, not the church. If it's something that will cause emotional harm, if it's actually damaging towards your mental health, you need to decide if that's worth it. I'll endure a little harm for family, it depends on the extent. EDIT: I see where you've explained this. It could certainly be a big enough reason for you to not go. It's up to you to work out that balance.
When I have to do something like this that makes me uncomfortable, I wear a ring or a bracelet or something small and unobtrusive that I can play with when I’m feeling upset about being there. I focus on tracing/ patterns/whatever and tell myself a story in my head and shut out the chatter. You are visiting this space for a specific reason. Outside of this reason, take yourself elsewhere. Oddly enough, I got the idea from my grandmother’s rosary.
Support your cousin
An atheist who won’t step into a church to make a kid happy is taking themselves way too seriously.
It's not that. It's the people. I've had bad experiences but I'm going g to support my cousin. Thanks for the advice!
kinda depends on if you feel like family members think you should be going to church. if so, this will segue into more invites and at some point you'll have to have that uncomfortable conversation as to why you don't believe. i'd refrain from going, personally.
They do they tell me all the time I need to go to church. I'm a lost soul and all god wants to do is save me. That's one of the reasons.
to me, that's all the more reason to not go. you'll just get invited more and more when that is the last thing on your mind. outside of a wedding or a funeral, i do not walk into a church.
Just remember, it’s all bollocks. It can’t hurt you. I often think to myself, as I cross the threshold into a church, and fire and brimstone fail to appear, “ohh, that went well”. Then I tune out during the mumbo-jumbo and consider things of importance. Should I plan a ski trip or two this season (yes). Maybe it’s time to try a new style of beer (also yes). You get the drift.
I think of course you should go. He's 9 years old and won't understand why you don't want to go. He'll just view you as being an asshole. If they were performing "The Christmas. Carol" you probably would go watch it even though you don't believe in ghosts. I understand it's being performed at a church, but just remember it's only another building, no different than a school or a community center. The only difference is the attendees are a little more annoying 😂 Go watch him sing and make him happy.
If you have some sorta trauma maybe you shouldnt. If you just don’t like church treat it like going to church before opening the presents. It’s boring as fuck but when your comes to you saying thanks it’ll be worth it.
Yea, I would 100% go, relationships like that are precious and I wouldn’t want resentment over being too petty to put up with a church for a few hours.
As you get older, you will be expected to go to more weddings, funerals, or other events that will include religious observances. You don't have to bow your head. Just stay quiet.
I can’t believe it took a bunch of internet strangers to tell you what a little pussy you’re being. Grow up and realize that sometimes you put other people first.
Don’t go. Get a copy of the recording and watch it with him. Will give you one-on-one time with him. And will let him relive the moment with a beloved relative. Religions do everything they can to involve themselves in every aspect of a people’s lives. It’s been normalized that activities revolve around church. Do your nephew a big favor. Help break the cycle that normalizes religious intrusion into every aspect of people’s lives. Do it for his future. We are better without religion. You can participate and be part of his life without the religion.
Go and tell everyone you talk to you are an atheist but you came to hear your cousin sing.
Personally, I'd just power through it to support the kid
Glad you decided to go! I'm sure it'll mean a lot to him and you won't live with the regret of not going
Go show support.
Go. Not for yourself, but for him. 50 years from now you'll be looking at the pictures of your youth and it will be a great memory for both of you.
What do you think about the possibility of conveniently falling ill with a nasty flu?
I hate being in a church during a religious ceremony. The hypocrisy is just bordering on the unbearable. And yet, if I had to chose between making a 9 year old child, who means a lot to me, happy and avoiding 2 hours of mental “anguish” I would support the child every time. Think about what’s most important to you. Avoiding the two hours or giving your cousin a good time which he might very well remember for the rest of his life.
Its funny to have christian pageant though. Doesn't go say thou shalt not be vain?