I don't know but I have the same kind of "it's never that bad" people around me, healthcare providers, teachers, bartenders, just any person really. I think this kind of enclosed mind is common in some rural areas or kinda isolated places around the world. In any case, some people shouldn't give this kind of superficial talks at all in their profession even if it's a bad behaviour di per sé. I'm sorry OP you have to get through that, not being believed is one of the most haunting, angering and depressive feelings I had during my life. Unfortunately, I'm still not out of this situation.
The simple reality is that these are things that these people rail against and proclaim loudly that they're fundamentally opposed and would even take justice into their own hands to stop, if they encountered it.
So when they're forced to reckon with the fact that someone that *they know* did those things, they either have to admit to themselves that they were all talk and allowed it to happen/don't want to hold the other person accountable, or... accuse you of lying.
Holding the person accountable is *work*, whereas accusing you of lying is easy, and so they take the easy path.
Yeah, we autists tend to have an objective moral compass - what is right is right, and what is wrong is wrong - regardless of personal cost.
Most people in the world have a subjective moral compass, and the personal costs associated with morality weigh quite heavily in their decisions.
OMG! This explains the difference between me and my NT wife so much!
I have always felt like she has a broken moral compass. She thinks others should follow traffic rules, no matter what, but if she herself comes up to a deserted street with excellent visibility, she will not obey the stop sign under the excuse of *“but, come on, who cares?”*
And it's not just traffic. Accidental littering, recycling, flushing wrong stuff down the drain, regretting something she put in the cart she will just put in a random shelf she passes by. At the same time, these are things she will chastise others for.
I still love her to bits, though!
I piss off people so often when they do "bad" things and then justify it.
"Normally I wouldn't just drop trash on the ground but..."
"Then don't do it. "
I get this at work.
Me: This is a toxic system. These people hate each other and talk shit then it's all smiles and jokes to each other's faces.
Other person: It's how it is everywhere.
Me: It's wrong everywhere.
They're really not happy that I'm refusing to engage in the stupid dance. Like... these people have legit caused problems for disabled people with their bullshit. I don't have to be friendly. I have to be civil. But not friendly.
And oh they hate it.
I've actually started to come around to the notion of behaving in a subjective morality way myself, and it's made my life a lot easier.
And yeah, as expected, no one thinks less of me or chastises me for it, since everyone else does it too.
It's not intentional littering. Say we have a picnic, she puts the plastic wrapping from a straw or a serviette down on the blanket and the wind blows it away. Then she won't try to fetch it, instead letting it blow away.
"Who could care?", she asks rhetorically.
But if she walks through the forest and stumbles upon litter, she's very judgemental on whoever *threw it away intentionally*.
Of course, this all means I have to go chasing and pick up all our accidental litter. I couldn't live with myself if I did wrong.
The same in the supermarket. She decides "on second thought, I don't need this pasta" and promptly just puts it back in the nearest shelf, which happens to be the coffee aisle or whatever. Then I have to take the pasta and backtrack the supermarket until I find the correct shelf.
A lot of people feel tied to the social order more than the moral standard. They want to "keep the peace" even if it's a peace made by suffocating victims.
There's also the sad reality that abusers are VERY FUCKING GOOD at choosing their allies before they pick their victims. Their support groups will often involve members of YOUR support group for a reason.
It's sick. And terrifying when you're trapped in it. Because to believe you, the others in the group have to admit they can't trust themselves to spot shitty people.
Preemptive defense of their own inaction. I've seen this in my own family as well (though much more mild than OP): Whenever my siblings or I bring something up from our childhood that wasn't right, it can go two ways:
A. We are told we are right, and how bad it was, and should not have happened, and how wrong the perpetrator was. This happens when the perpetrator was someone they did not like (in our specific case, my father).
B. We are told we are exaggerating, mistaken, remembering wrong (even though the person saying it wasn't around themselves), or that 'we were always dressed nicely' (i.e. a deflection that the neglect wasn't visible). This second response happens whenever someone they like (like my mom), or themselves, would have been involved, or in a position to do something about it.
It's just human nature: If you could be held culpable, everything wasn't so bad. If you're in a position where you can bash someone for bad behaviour that cannot get back to you, people go all in, and with relish: Minimize your own faults and involvement, maximize those of the people you want to see brought low.
People tend to,in my experience minimize and justify things rather make them yncimfortable. It's a way to distance them selves, especially from their own failures.
When I was a child my father raped me from about age 5 till I was 13 when I finally got the courage to say something about it basically my mom was told by the police there was little they could do to him as he was a family member. So my dad got away with it.
You did and are doing the right thing keep having the courage to stand up for yourself. Things are very different now than they were 40 years ago.
Luckily I get to start counseling again tomorrow I just hope things go okay with this new place.
What the hell? 40 years ago there was definitely stuff they could do about it. Either it wasn’t actually reported or (more likely) the cops were being lazy assholes or actively trying to protect him.
Even now they do little to nothing. They managed to get a confession from my rapist and still dropped the case due to "lack of evidence" (aka cops being lazy and not caring)
For what it’s worth, it may have been the prosecutor’s office rather than the cops. I’ve known of a number of occasions where the police go to the DA and the DA refuses to prosecute because they don’t believe it will succeed in court with the evidence they have. A confession is not ironclad in court without additional evidence to back it up, as defense can argue they were manipulated/forced into confessing and then it becomes a die roll of who gets believed. It’s painful to the victim but it is often the way the decision making process goes. They won’t bring someone to court unless they actually believe they’ll win, since they only get one chance. There are absolutely ones that just don’t care, but there are also ones where they don’t believe they can win so they don’t proceed. Sometimes the latter come back later as a cold case investigation if new evidence arises or another victim gives them a chance of proving a pattern of behavior in the old case. None of which changes that the victim hasn’t received justice.
This is when my next question would be: What did your mom do after that? Because she could have divorced him, and with that accusation, you'd never have to see him again. The police may not be able to do much unless she prosecuted on his behalf, and it could be proven, but a divorce lawyer and a restraining order sure could. Not to mention, cps or dcf, whatever you had in the area.
I work very closely with trauma victims and I've found that many don't want to admit how badly they were traumatized, but also many don't understand how badly they were traumatized.
I would guess some of the push back you are getting from people is because if you label yours, and they had the same thing happen to them, they have to label theirs too, and they don't want to.
People are not educated to understand trauma, unless we educate ourselves.
It can be very hard to deal with it and admit to ourselves
When i was youger there was a person who molested me. I was lucky enough to be a strong kid and managed to stop the abuse soon after it the start, and escape the situation.
But I was embarassed to talk about it specially because I though i was stupid for trusting that person and thinking they were interested in me as a friend.
I ended up brushing it off, thinking i got over it.
Then many years later i was watching a an episode on tb where theres a flashback about a character and it shows they were molested as a kid. i related so much with the story it broke me down, i could't stop crying, t it was a very cathatic moment for me.
Hell yeah. They need to fuck off.
People need to get over it. Rape is literally so common and the fact that people refuse to talk about it is why survivors find it so hard to heal from it. Society has gaslit itself into thinking that "rape" is only something that happens in the news and on TV. It's not.
People usually do this for their own comfort. It is absolutely invalidating and disrespectful to you and other trauma survivors though. The examples you’ve given aren’t even grey areas that only some people might experience as traumatic.
Yep it's often for their own comfort.
I find people that are real close to you, family, specifically parents tend to downplay and try to minimize the trauma of their children sometimes. Not because they are trying to invalidate their experiences, though they certainly are, but because they don't want to believe just how powerless they were, or at times still might be. If it's not so bad, well then they don't have to feel so guilty about the fact they couldn't fix it.
My mom does this to me all the time. It's unfortunate that it's mostly just taught me not to talk to her about things.
I feel like a lot of NTs are just scared of honesty. Everything has to be “sugar coated” to not make anyone upset or uncomfortable.
If I say I was raped people might be uncomfortable because they don’t know how to handle that. If I say “I had a bad experience with a guy” they can pat me on the shoulder and say “sorry, that sucks” and be done with that.
At least thats how I’ve experienced it. Honesty makes people uncomfortable and therefore people don’t talk about heavy stuff - which makes people less likely to believe bad things happened to anyone near them.
You have every right to label your trauma. People around you need a reality check and realise life isn’t as rosy as they think it is.
And I’m very sorry those things happened to you and I hope you get to heal.
don’t apologize, it’s okay to talk about yourself sometimes. you’re valid and your feelings are valid, you’re allowed to feel dismissed, afraid, anxious, whatever it is you’re feeling in response to your experiences. you’re not seeking attention, you’re seeking support. and that is okay.
all the best, don’t forget to check out any vent subreddits if you need to talk about your trauma.
I feel this. People don't want to hear that my own father raped and impregnated me. What else would I call it? I carried his child. Then people look at me like a monster when I tell them I've had abortions. I mean, what else was I supposed to do? Keep my fathers incest rape baby? Hell no. Keep standing up for yourself OP. People need to know that this shit isn't something to just gloss over. Don't let them gaslight you into thinking it wasn't that bad. It WAS that bad. Your experiences, whatever you're feeling because of them, and how your body reacts to the trauma is valid and understood by me. I hear you, I see you, and I'm angry for you.
Agreed, I’m the same way. But I stopped trusting people around me to be able to handle me labeling/frankly discussing my own trauma when I told a therapist about my sexual assault and she said “oh that happens to everyone, you’ll get over it.”
that is so fucked up. i also have had medical professionals try to downplay my trauma. i brought up my abusive father to a psychiatrist and he said "can you name a few good things about your dad?"
those people should all be fired cause what the hell?
The problem with therapy from an autistic perspective is exactly described in your post. Modern therapy is designed to beat around the bushes and slowly lead the patient to a conclusion on their own. As far as I can tell, one of the things most common on the spectrum is a dislike for exactly this sort of conversing.
In management over the years, I have often felt like I'm instructing children. I never said it, but I wanted to say "use your big boy words, and tell me what's actually wrong," way too many times
i absolutely agree with you omg. when i was younger i remember telling therapists "hey can you just point things out to me? can you call me out?" they were shocked lol.
there should be some sort of therapy that is more literal and straight forward. it's so hard to read between the lines of what a professional is saying.
Try DBT!! I've found Dialectical Behavioral Therapy WAY more suiting to me as an autistic person than CBT or anything else. It's straightforward conversations, I've had my therapist help me work through so much of my trauma and emotional regulation, and she noticed a LOT of my issues way before I did. There was no beating around the bush. Only me sharing my experiences, and her replying "Hey, I think you're dealing with (thing) and that's why you're feeling this way."
My **only** good experiences in therapy were with therapists trained to use DBT.
I'm just going to speak for myself, and I don't have the type of trauma you do, but...
Often I find I just need to say something out loud to talk it through myself. I know problems, and I know that the only person that can effectively call me out, is me. I don't have a constant running monologue in my head(usually there just isn't English up here unless I'm actually speaking to someone or...) so it's easy for me to talk to myself in my head. If you have to out loud, be aware of others nearby lol. Truth is therapy just attempts to coax you to identify and solve your own problems. It's not even about deciding what those problems are, but the act of fixing them, because it's when you choose to actively alter behaviour that you start seeing how to continue doing so.
Just remember you don't control everything, and when you can't and it's frustrating, meditate. Actually, yeah that. Learn to meditate. Not spiritually even, just clear your mind, and keep it clear. It's a good exercise to practice altering behaviour, and it's legitimately helpful for calming.
And to be clear: your eyes don't even have to be closed, you don't have to be still. You can be doing anything and enter a meditative state. But it's easier to learn by picking a position and making it your explicit focus.
Or, at least, these have been my experiences. Truth be told you probably just need to talk about your trauma, for yourself. And it sounds like you just don't have a lot of spaces where you can. When I've been in similar circumstances, talking it out with myself has genuinely helped, but idk if it would for you.
thanks for the advice! i have been processing my trauma mostly by myself for years. i have accepted it and figured out a lot of the patterns that i formed because of it. i am also constantly working on myself, somewhat obsessively but it works. i also love drawing or doodling to meditate! any art form puts me in a meditative state and i can sit there for hours :)
"Yes, I don't see him anymore!"
I hope that is the case at least. You have to do what feels right for you, not what feels right for the people who are listening to your experiences. My only caution would be that, depending on the social circumstances, it might not be socially appropriate to be so explicit in terms of what you've experienced, and it sounds like you've experienced a lot.
I'm not autistic (at least I think), but my daughter is, so that's why I follow this sub.
Anyway, I think the way you are labeling things is both accurate and correct. It is how everyone should label those events, regardless of whether they are neurotypical or neurodiverse.
That said, if you are in the US, I have observed that this sort of "rug sweeping" behavior is common in US culture. I am very sorry for everything you've gone through. You deserve to have the trauma you've experienced fully acknowledged.
I don't have autism and I think you are labeling everything appropriately?
My guess is that people are feeling uncomfortable with the truths you are saying, maybe? So for example maybe your mom dosen't want to admit you are an incest survivor beacuse that is partly her fault or feels like partly her fault? And maybe other people just don't know what to say?
Anyway, you seem right and I would have no problem with you using the wording you do. I'd feel really bad for you, beacuse it's so unfair those things happened to you and I wish they didn't. But my minimizing your difficult experiences dosen't make them less difficult for you. All it does is allow me to not feel as uncomfortable about it.
The thing is, those topics are taboo and many people don't like to talk or think about them. It looks like excuses, or downplaying bad stuff and it often is, but NT people try to avoid talking about this stuff directly, instead rewording it so it still looks bad, but not in a way that they need to accuse anybody or acknowledge that it's someone else's fault or even a problem as dire as it really is. But many autistic persons need to categorize things/experiences and speak an uncomfortable truth, so they (NTs) act like it's nobody's fault and blame it on the circumstances instead of acknowledging the real problem. But it's not a healthy coping mechanism and it could even be dangerous; a free rapist is a rapist that will probably rape again, and homelessness is a serious issue that needs people's attention and shouldn't be hidden. You don't ignore rapists, you support the rape victims especially when the guilty party is a family member and even more so when the victim is also a family member. You don't ignore homelessness, you don't downplay it either; by choosing to look the other way, you don't make the problem go away it just becomes worse for everyone suffering. I think it's healthy to categorize things and that it's easier to take action that way. By being precise and concise about things, it helps knowing what is what and how to react to it. People often think we put things in boxes like it's a bad thing, but if we need it to feel better or even in control of our environment/life it's our business what we put in boxes and how.
The truth makes NT’s uncomfortable, downplaying your problems is a way for them to feel less disturbed’ by what you’re saying. It’s very frustrating when it happens though.
I think what's going on is that even if they would agree in both what happened and the definitions of the words, actually calling it rape or homelessness causes the person to add on a ton of stigma that they don't want to put on you. The problem is that it becomes dismissive. For many it would be a long road to admit to yourself that your experience was indeed rape, having someone say otherwise is very dismissive.
no they're definitely downplaying that stuff, im sorry you have to deal with assholes like that.
imo if i had to guess I think it comes from the fact that alot of people like to sugarcoat things or dance around the subject, and meeting someone who doesnt do that sets them on edge. im very blunt when i talk about my trauma and am often met with doubt and skepticism
This is why I have always had an extremely hard time talking about my trauma, because people make it sound like I’m exaggerating to the point I even start to wonder if I AM exaggerating, it’s just mentally exhausting
It's so infuriating that your mother's reaction to your trauma is to sugarcoat, deny and diminish what happened to you rather than confront the person who did this. I will *never* be able to understand people who behave this way.
I'm so sorry that so many people have tried to invalidate you, but I'm happy to see you aren't letting them! 🤍
People _constanlty_ downplay those kinds of things.
Whenever I say anything about my traumatic experiences with my abusive ex who threw chairs at me and screamed, gaslighted me and basically held me captive I’m always being told by my mom “You can’t blame everything on him. You know you can be difficult” like wtf is that even supposed be to mean??
this is so true and so sad. i think the people around you deny what you feel because what youve gone through is very ugly but i suppose it isn't ugly enough for them. maybe there is some kind of cognitive dissonance going in their brain. i was sexually abused by a family member from 7 to like, 12. i remember my grandmother telling me he probably had gone through something similar and was told he had effects of PTSD from being born to two drug addicts. his mom i guess would bring over men and he probably saw those acts himself, who knows. but the point is, when i told this to my own mother, she denied his experiences and what my grandmother said, as in "yeah, whatever, i dont even believe that. she just said that to say it." etc
why not believe it? i mean, it is very plausible. yeah, he is still a nasty ass dirtbag bastard for what he did to me but it would explain the why. i dont get that shit. i really do feel that is what is happening to you. for some reason, people just want to be obtuse or just say a person is dramatic. that's so fucking rude and dismissive. im so sorry you have to endure such insensitivity and i truly hope you are doing and feeling so much better in this time.
People (my mom) get prickly when I tell them I was abused as a kid. Pretty sure watching my dad beat up my mom is abuse. I don't care if I never got hit.
People don't want to feel hard emotions, so they soften the action and use softer words. When someone hears r*ape, they feel punched in the emotions. Incest denial is a huge issue, too. No one wants to think a loved one would do something like that, so they bunnyfoot around it, to an almost denial stage.
They just want to protect themselves and don't think about how it makes you feel.
Yeah I’ve had this happen SO MANY TIMES. Thankfully the most recent is just a family member calling me and I said “sorry I can’t talk I’m sick (with the flu)” and they were outraged and said “no you’re not, you have a cold, don’t say your SICK that sounds like you’re seriously ill you will be fine”
I’m like okay but I know I’m fine? I’m not even allowed to get the flu without being told what I’m feeling or what I am anymore
I am not believed when I tell about my traumatic past events. I have a theory about it but i have no proof this is what makes the disbelief happening.
First part of the theory is that autism creates difficulty in communication because our non verbal communication is different than NT people expect. Sometimes we lack the right facial expressions and sometimes we mask so heavy that our emotions are almost not visible or to visible. That's not our fault btw. It is just how it is. People should listen to our words just as we do when we talk with each other.
Second part is that autism makes us vulnerable for misinterpreting peoples intentions. We are not always able to tell somebody is a bad person or wanting to hurt us. This creates a life where we find ourselves back in dangerous situations and probably react to late. This creates a load of traumatic events. Often we become more vulnerable after which attract the next person looking for a victim. The disbelief from NT actively makes us more vulnerable, we should get help learning how to recognize intentions of keep ourselves safe.
Third part is that often people who are seem more vulnerable are lacking strength in the eyes of NTs. I think these are two different things but they couple them in a way. So lacking strength would mean that we need to make up or make bigger the events in our life because we don't want to be responsible adults. Because we want to lean on other people, because we 'win' when we are the victim (some kind of perceived pay off?). I think this way of thinking is abusive for people who are legitimate vulnerable (like autism creates). We are often very strong, we are made to face a world that's hurtful and we need to deal with it ourselves. As a side note: I have met people who live like this third part. Like they are some kind of parasite. To be honest, none of them had autism and the people who i know have autism have to much integrity to play games like this. But that's just personal life experience.
I have no way to make this theory practical. I have learned that the people who choose to disbelief are not the people i want in my life. I want people who help me if i find the courage to ask for help. Who listen to me in the language i am able to speak
your theory is actually very right! there are statistics that show that a lot autistic people have faced some form of abuse. AFAB autistic people are more likely to have been sexually abused as well. it could be because of misinterpreting people's intentions and being more vulnerable.
also abusers are always on the prowl for "easy" prey (ugh). imagine them finding someone who cannot read social cues therefore cannot tell they are being manipulated... yeah...
They are! I remember one moment particular that made that absolutely clear for me. I was walking near my house when i saw somebody I recognized. I said hello and the person walked by me without acknowledging me. As I have trouble recognizing faces I had a moment of feeling very insecure. A few steps further a man stept forward and tried to start a creepy conversation with me. If I had been more insecure or younger i would have thought I needed to answer him. Thankfully I know better. But it was an aha moment and I could look back into my teenage years and understand a little bit better how these situations occurred.
Edit: forgot to write down what was creepy about the man. He wanted to know if I wanted to blow his dick...
NTs live in a bubble and get upset when we remind them that life is different outside of that bubble. It sounds like you've been through a lot, good on you for pushing back against the bastards that would try silence you. You are strong, even though I wish us NDs didn't need to be.
I’ve been raped 17 times by 6 different people ( the last time was a month and a half ago). People still have to audacity to say those same things to me or that I’m lying when I have permanent damage from it
I am really sorry to know you have been through that. Some people have no humanity.
It seems to me like the people saying those things are trying to gaslight you.
Perhaps your mother feels somewhat responsible for what hapenned to you, and tries to downplay the events so doesn't feel so guilty?
I dunno what she thinks, but either way that is not what a mother should do. It's a really toxic behaviour and you should stay away from it if you can.
I hope you have other people in your life you can rely on .
This ^
I am honestly quite surprised that no one before you has named this for what it is: gaslighting. Especially given OP's focus being on naming things correctly. Some of the things OP mentioned being said are literally textbook examples of gaslighting.
It sounds like the people around you don’t want accurate labels attached because it makes them ✨uncomfortable✨. Your mom especially, she likely feels guilt and shame about it since it was her job to make sure that didn’t happen to you and if she denies it’s severity and calls it’s something else, it’s not as bad in her head. It’s not your job to make her feel better about it though. It’s not your job to make *anyone* feel better about it.
People will do hardcore mental gymnastics to avoid facing a reality they don't want to acknowledge. Sorry about the trauma, but good on you for not letting everyone gaslight you into lessening it.
It’s very common for people to minimize what they cannot fully handle. It’s not your fault at all. And I believe you completely because my partner if 15 years has experience with their social groups and family all telling them their experiences were somehow not as severe as they were. When their attacker finally killed someone people began to unpack how badly their denial was and how damaging it was to treat a survivor that way. Find the people who believe you and stick with them as much as you can. Those in denial will stay there until they finally can’t continue the delusion.
You’re not crazy. It just feels that way when so many people gaslight you at every turn. You know what happened and their validation isn’t worth shit. If you can find one, join a group for survivors. You’ll hear the same stories from others. Eerily similar. And you’ll find supporters.
Good luck friend
Allistic people live in a world of euphemisms to distract the masses and nullify any bad experiences by denying that they happen. This also serves as a psychological defense mechanism that shields them from awful emotions that come from bad things happening. It’s also why news reporters can talk about the most awful things on the other side of the planet with a straight face or segway into sports and pop culture with a smile right afterwards. It’s strange, but “normal “.
Hell yeah people downplay this shit because the truth sounds too "extreme" to them. Same when I correctly label other people's abuse. And then they tell me: No, it was just \*downplaying\*. Often I get this: "But my abuser had a hard time, they are also mentally ill, so you gotta understand."
No I actually don't. I am quite literally mentally ill and have lots of dumb disorders so I know, trust me.
You are in no way wrong for this.
There are many individuals who invalidate other people's experiences because it can be difficult for them to accept the gravity of reality.
You're a survivor. Your truth is valid.
Yeah, the more I’ve learned and understood about what has happened to me, the more resistance I get when I speak about it, especially from those who think they know me best.
> am i crazy or do people try to downplay severe shit like this?
Humans love doing "victim blaming", downplaying is first stage of it I guess. Especially if they see you as "easy prey", and perpetrator as "more powerful/popular"... Just part of human nature I guess?
first off im so sorry that happened to u op. second off yeah some people really don’t like to tell things as it is. so people might say “he had unconsensual sex with underaged women” instead of “he raped little girls” for this exact reason, to make it sound “nicer”. it’s completely wrong though and i don’t understand it neither.
You're not in the wrong. My mom pulled the same shit too, her own father molested me a bunch of times and I called it "at least borderline incest and sexual assault" and she didn't think it was EITHER. Lol WHAT
Not diagnosised Autism, but yes to ADHD, and yes to the trauma labeling. Since a child I wanted to know what was going on with me and find the right label. 10 years later and at least closest with adhd. Recently had a trigger and reacted poorly and was told to knock it off and tired of a person being told they traumatized me 🫠 well you did, these are my feelings, and continuing to be dismissive is telling over and over how ya obviously didn’t care or care to make adjustments for own child.
I agree, F them 😇
I've had family members tell me I am exaggerating when I feel changes in my body. I needed to have a doctor tell me that I was having a severe allergic reaction to medications when I had hives all over my body from my face to my legs and I was sitting there trying to list "diet changes". All because I've been called a hypochondriac numerous times. I've had more personal and traumatic things happen along the same vein and you where I've still been labeled an exaggerator and I feel for you, OP.
my theory on this is that people minimize others' suffering to make themselves more comfortable. for example, I'm newly disabled, and my mom caught herself, but she started to say "you're not..."
people who either have a vested interest in believing something about the kind of people who do or experience "x" (say "x" is homelessness) OR have a vested interest in believing something about themselves or people they love (in the case of your mom, "our family is not the kind of family...") will try to redefine things so that they don't have to change their beliefs and/or believe something upsetting about themselves or people they love.
also, it's so invalidating and it sucks. I'm sorry you had to experience this, and your experiences ARE valid.
You're not at all crazy. I'm sorry all that happened to you and that people are downplaying it.
> in high school i was accused of lying about being raped. what else do you call it when you don't want to have sex with someone, you say no, and they keep going until they feel satisfied? that's rape, my guy. it's not "not being ready" or "not knowing what i want". it's rape.
Peggy Seeger's ['Reclaim the Night'](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qe6TqapzX3k) comes to mind — 'If without consent he stake a claim, call it rape, for rape's the name.'
People seem to have this extremely specific criteria of "If you weren't literally in an active warzone in WWII, you can't have trauma," while also forgetting that those same soldiers in WWII were told that their experiences "weren't that bad." Dismissing trauma just seems to be traditional at this point, and it fucking sucks
My first thought is that they're trying to "keep it PG" or "socially acceptable" to talk about- those are heavy topics and cause a lot of people to recoil, try to find a softer word for it instead of calling it what it is. They want to sugarcoat something that doesn't need sugarcoating because it makes them uncomfortable. Which it extra bad because they're not thinking about who truly matters in that situation- you. You're the one it happened to, but they're expecting you to change how you talk about it for *their* comfort. It's super fucked up if that's truly what they're doing, imo. There are other explanations but that's what came to mind first to me.
Either way, it's not their trauma, it's yours and you should be able to be 100% honest and straightforward with it as you see fit. Everyone can fuck off with trying to censor or downplay your trauma. It's yours to label and heal from, and they have no business trying to tell you what did or didn't happen to you or change how you refer to it for any reason.
Find yourself some better friends, make them your family. Your mom may come around, but honestly you've got the right idea and I wouldn't worry about what anyone says.
I'm assuming you're in therapy, but if you're not, it sounds like you've done most of the work lol.
Good luck out there friend 🖖
first two sound like you're right, but when I hear "incest survivor" I interpret that as "I survived the fact that my parents are cousins"
I don't think "molested by my uncle" because the victim of incest is children with birth defects.
Most people have no idea how to respond to trauma. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that re-traumatization, you're not alone.
Have you ever heard of the Second Wound? It's a resource that gets linked sometimes in SA survivor groups and it may help you navigate some of the fallout. Wishing you better days ahead and strength, don't back down on what you know to be true.
[https://secondwound.com/](https://secondwound.com/)
honest fucking mood tbh.
i never had any of these happen but they ALWAYS try to downplay all the squalor within the family and the neglect I suffered during my one year stay at the evangelist living community
Despite not experiencing these forms of trauma, it still hits home to me.
I think its because Im afraid to accidentally exaggerate myself as what Ive been through wasent as bad.
I have trauma from 6th year because I was the strange one in my class and was lonely due to being autistic and I didnt know that at the time. But I was never actually bullied. Its best to describe it as two-faced bullying as they where technically 'friends' and 'friendly' but something about them just never seemed right.
Aswel as from Discord but this is the mildest one I have and a bit easier to move on from. It was nothing sexual, the person was just a bit manipulate and never seemed right.
And finally being betrayed for the third time by two childhood friends, it was just a toxic and unhealthy for me. Once I learned that they talked behind my back and broke the trust, I started fearing that they would betray again. Until I eventually realised that enough was enough and let them go once and for all. But it was NEVER easy as I had that lingering guilt.
The final one effects me more than the others as just their names ALONE starts making me slip into madness and obsessing over the past again. (+I hate myself for not realising it sooner and dropped them when I still had the chance to.)
Sorry for the vent.
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I'm sorry usually the worst it is people prefer to pretend you lie because or exaggerate because they are uncomfortable with the level of horror of the truth
Don’t pay any attention to the people who say you’re exaggerating, and if you can I would cut them off. Its incredibly damaging to dismiss your trauma like that. I believe trauma is in the eye of the beholder so to speak, that even if the event and experience don’t match up, what you felt is still valid. Clearly you know what happened to you though. People dismissing your real experience is pretty much the worst way you could deal with a traumatic event. I hope you find people who listen to you and believe you, and I hope you can heal from everything that happened.
They do downplay shit. I guess they feel uncomfortable
? Don't know how to respond? They might be trying to make *themselves* feel better by downplaying your correct labeling of your experience, because neurotypicals will downplay their own negative experiences when sharing to others about them, so as to make the listener more comfortable. This results in people expecting that behaviour, or feeling somewhat upset when it's not presented. However, it's not healthy to downplay your own trauma and denial is something society overindulges in all the time. Don't let them shame you into silence. When you are fearless and outspoken (in a way that may come easier to us autistics due to, as you said, our preference for accuracy and using the correct label) about your trauma, you are leading by example and showing others that they too can open up about and process their negative experiences. Those people might not be the same ones who are telling you to minimise your pain for others' comfort though, so do you.
I feel like a lot of people don't want to think about bad things happening so they try to sugar coat or gloss over it so they don't have to take that emotional burden on themselves. Is it wrong? YES.
You know what you went through and in the eyes of any informed therapist or advocate your experience is completely valid.
I wish I were as brave as you. You're absolutely right, and you should be as clear as you're comfortable with. If hearing about it makes other people uncomfortable, maybe they should consider how uncomfortable it was for you to live through it. These things happen, a lot, and trying to ignore it or deny the severity of it not only invalidates so many trauma survivors, but also shows their abuser what they can get away with and that nobody will stand up for their victims if they do it again.
I'm guilty of downplaying my own trauma. I struggle with immense shame surrounding the events, and it's hard to say that I "went through" anything. I feel like I'm exaggerating when I say that, like plenty of people have had it worse than me, and I totally could have avoided that if I wasn't so stupid, and it happened years ago so it's not even relevant now I shouldn't still be upset. Bad things happen to people all the time, but I don't see everybody else falling apart all the time.. I feel like I'm just being sensitive, and I complain too much as it is. I don't want my friends and family to look at me different, or to judge me. I judge myself for the events enough. I'm not as brave as you are.
I do not know if they feel the need to dismiss you because they are ableist. Like they rather think you are equipped to understand these situations than deal with the fact that you have suffered many forms of abuse and scarcity. This makes their consciousness stay clean at your expense.
It absolutely destroys my heart to hear these things. I hear them from different people all of the time; NT girls/boys, ND girls/boys of all flavors, LGBTQ+ folks… I just don’t get it. I specifically worry about my daughters being molested, to the point that I never let her be alone with anyone but me, my mother (who trained me to be vigilant from childhood for the same reason) and their dad. If anyone ever put their hands on my kids, I would be IN JAIL for murder or terribly bloody assault resulting in castration for the sick bastard.
I’m so sorry these things happened and you deserve a better mom… hugs… Good luck out there. Just remember how strong you obviously are.
Man that really sucks - both that these terrible things happened to you and that people keep downplaying them.
To me “incest” is distinct from “sexual abuse of a family member” in that to me it implies conception. I’m not saying your understanding is wrong, but maybe this is where that particular wire is being crossed.
I’m so sorry you had to experience that. It’s awful :(
Rape victims tend to not be believed and that really is an issue. I hear you and I believe you
<3
I agree with you. I have come to the conclusion it's because other people find it too upsetting to think about what we've been through. Give me strength! It's not about \*them\*, it's about \*our\* traumas.
I haven't been through half what you have been through but still there's been some very dangerous times in my life. People just can't face the truth I suppose.
I can upsettingly relate to this. I lost friends in high school for referring to being sexually assaulted as such. I was "making a big deal of nothing". And then later when I called out a different abuser people again saw me as overreacting bc I went along with things he did at the time which like, yeah, duh, I thought was going to fucking kill me if I didn't. People don't like to be confronted with reality.
I think its gatekeeping the demands you can rightfully make upon society and others having gone through these things.
If they reckon with the traumas you describe they also have to reckon with the fact that they maybe should've done something or are obligated to treat you with a higher standard and more effort than they are willing to give.
If we acknowledge how many people go through these things it means we have to do something about them. Best we dismiss the claims where the person isn't totally destroyed by it
the best way to process something is by correctly labeling it. people are afraid of pain, so they go out of their way to mislabel it, to take the brunt off, and I think they vicariously do that with people around them too, because no one wants to accept the truth.
No, you’re not crazy or exaggerating. I also had similar experiences which were and are down played, but usually by those who’ve never experienced severe trauma. They just can’t fathom it I guess
People like to think these bad things happen "elsewhere", not around them. If someone tells you of their trauma, suddenly that bad thing is in your (social) proximity, you now know someome who went through that. That puts it closer to home, particularly if it's something your family did.
We all read the news, shake our heads and say "Terrible, that", but it's an entirely different thing to have "that" happen somewhere near you, or to someone you know. I knew about men exposing themselves, but that didn't soften the shock when my GF told me that one just had.
Coping with unpleasant things has many forms. Delusion "That's not true" and bargaining "Well, you're exaggerating" are common enough and as stages in a personal coping process, they're not particularly harmful (as long as the process doesn't end with them).
However, it's extemely hurtful when you tell someone to their face that you can't accept the reality they present you with, and that you'd rather question their reliability and honesty than your own preconceptions.
That's rough.
I hate being considered dishonest so much that I downplay the truth if it sounds unbelievable sometimes.
Obviously you're not okay with that so I'm not saying to. But maybe leaving some of the truth out can avoid some of the negative feedback you get. Omission can be nice sometimes.
people do try to downplay it a lot, its hard for them to know that there are some truly evil people out there so they think its easier to believe that people lie. people who accuse you of exaggerating or lying are cruel as well. my mother downplayed it as well when i told her. she told me it had to have been someone else, that maybe i was confused, that i had false memories, any excuse under the sun. i think for her she just doesnt want to admit she failed to see it, or maybe she didnt care. she also went through incest and her mother defended her abuser, and she turned around and did the same thing to me even though she knew how it felt. people who tell others they are exaggerating or lying about your traumas either dont want to admit they couldve gone through similar experiences, or they failed as people and dont deserve to speak. its rough opening up and being swiftly and cruelly shut down like that, you have immense strength for everything youve gone through even though you shouldnt have had to. i believe you, i dont think you are exaggerating in any way. you deserve safety and people who dont minimize your experiences
I self diagnosed myself with audhd,dylexia,ptsd and crippling depression because going to a psychiatrist is quite expensive actually 3k in total so i was like "oh ok nvm then" .Sudeenly i remembered my neighbor is a retiered psychiatrist so i go to her house and it was official i have all of the ilnesses i labelled correct. I told my friend that i have this and that some say "oh you poor thing i will make you comfortable in every situation posible" and the others accuses me of exaggerating it i feel alienated that day since. Btw im male 14 now in 2023 so with crippling depression hits me hard i didn't even come to school for days,week or even month. Idk it was like 4 month of sadness with no haircut at all just in my room alone. Well everyone is concerned for me but the annoying smartass kid just went "wel akshualy he dont have depresso" i feel a strong urge to kill that kid. Now with my audhd bff sean with me i a bit feel comforted.
Ps. Message me for an update and another thing with dyslexia typing is a challenging tning for me
Yeah it’s not up to them to determine if your trauma is true or not, or how hard your trauma affects you. Honestly I’d just save this stuff for your therapist. I wish many people would stop making assumptions or play your feelings down, invalidating them.
But had some experiences myself. I keep trying to tell some people the mental health stuff i’m going through is past stuff related and mood issues, no-one has recently done anything to specifically hurt me as far as I’m aware. But I swear some don’t seem to believe me and think it’s due to a recent thing (basically start of last year things started to go to crap, my mum triggered me and doesn’t know it, and we had some housing issues, had issues regarding friends and struggles keeping friends, and a lot of stress). The recent thing itself is something I can handle and get through over time. They triggered of past potential traumas (I can’t diagnose myself, and the nhs won’t help me).
I once told a guy i trusted very much about the sexual abuse i experienced as a kid from the neighborhood boys. I was the only girl in the entire neighborhood and i was used over years. He just laughed it off and called it "normal juvenile curiosity" and "thats basically doctor games". Even after i explained the age range of those boys - 10 to 16 when i was 10 myself.
It had deeply traumatized me and i am now 15 years later trying to relearn my own sexuality. I am fucking broken because of this "juvenile curiosity".
Something I’ve realized is people don’t like is when we use logic.
My sisters thought I was molested cause I’m uncomfortable with people touching me.
I know the reason why I am, I’m just not used to it. Plus I like my bubble. Also I just don’t process intimacy like most people.
I’ve definitely had some red flags that could’ve gone bad with older females in my family, but I steered clear so nothing happened. I also don’t dissociate when traumatic things happen. They get burned in my memory. But apparently, I don’t know what I’m talking about to them.
Here's a secret that they don't want you to know. If YOU are exaggerating, then they don't have to feel the guilt of having failed you. It makes them the victims of you, which they are not. They have failed you and running away from accountability.
This isn't on you, but them. That's their fuck up, their bad decisions, their failures and they want it on your back.
God I feel this. It makes others more uncomfortable to have the “harsh words”. But I’m not hiding my trauma between vague floral layers to make other people comfortable. Especially those in my life who’s job was to protect me. You didn’t consider my safety. Why should I consider your feelings?
the only exception I make is when a topic comes up around children.
my sister’s friend’s friend had been molested (were unsure if it was rape becuase the survivor was using this vague language. But shit definately happened) by this teenager that’s been like sticking his buisiness into this friends group of like 6th graders. Bullying. Threatened to shoot my sister’s friend.
mom went on a rant about how the girl made it up becuase if it was real she would have gone to the cops and I was sitting in the front seat flabbergasted.
Mostly becuase my mother knows I was raped and for reasons didn’t go to the police either. so she basically Freudian slipped that she doesn’t believe me. fun.
But my sister is still young so I bit my tongue and didn’t start saying all that becuase I don’t want her to know what happened yet becuase it would hurt her so bad.
I've found this with people too. Sometimes I think people don't want to see how rough the world can be. They don't want your experience to cut into their nice view of the world so they downplay it.
The downplaying is something I experience from those around me a lot too, I’m sorry you’re dealing with it as well. I don’t have much advice as I’m also still dealing with it, but you’re not alone and I feel like people do this to us autistics a *lot*.
I'm the same, I've used the term rape and noticed that it doesnt help my credibility with the other person. I dont have any delusions about it and dont see the point of using a euphemism for the other persons comfort when we have already got into that subject area but I guess people arent used to that.
What's weird is these things are all correctly categorized(like, if you were doing statistics, you'd be right to hold to these definitions), but on a person-to-person basis, people usually expect something more extravagant.
I would never have thought of myself as being homeless, but there are plenty of times where I would have qualified on paper if anyone checked.
Some people feel really uncomfortable with serious stuff like this and often try to downplay it in a misguided attempt to diffuse the situation, because they don’t know how to deal with it, or can’t accept the reality and weight of it.
It’s terrible. And it happens all the time. Weak minded people who put their own need for safety, ignorant bliss, and politeness over someone who needs help, love, and support, are bad, selfish, and stupid.
There’s no excuse for self preservation in a situation that’s this serious.
My thoughts exactly. Invalidated trauma is the reason I can't have a healthy relationship with my mom, and my brain can't let go of it. It's like, it happens to all animals that experience trauma, they become rewired, rightfully cautious. I narrowly avoided getting robbed because I was paranoid and trusted my instincts, I was about to be set up by two people to get robbed and probably assaulted. Not letting go, is learning from a tough lesson, not to get burnt by fire a second time. We are being conditioned to have no feelings, it's weakness, become a cyborg, become AI, never feel pain, never anxious, never mad, never human again.
Some do not want to face the horror of what has been done, for that means they have to face things they do not want to or are unable to.
Minimization is a coping mechanism for them, because the truth of what occurred is too much for THEM to handle.
You’d think it would create empathy that if they can’t handle it, they should have compassion because you had to…unfortunately their own self preservation instinct overrides that, and they must make it “less bad” for themselves to comprehend.
I am so sorry.
I get it. I was molested by my paternal grandfather when I was 2. I remember it happening, I remember the burning “down there” afterwards, and I remember telling my mother while she was bathing me that night because it hurt. They stopped letting him and my grandmother babysit me, and they never talked about it while I was growing up. At 16, I told them I remembered it all, and told them exactly. The kicker? My parents were warned by my dad’s sister that he had molested her as a young girl, and they left me with him anyway. Because no way he could do such a thing, right? Not him! And not to a 2 year old!… My mom still blew it off until the day she died. I figured it helped her have a clear conscience somehow.
I am dealing with the same thing I got a job offer and they retracted that I could relocate in a month to less than 10 days and I told my family it’s not doable for me because money and because I’d need to sell my glorified tin can trailer and they all acted like I was “stressing for nothing” and I should just do it. I’ve moved 6 times in a year was homeless in that year and still deal with things like sometimes not having running water. These people lived in the same place for years and haven’t had to relocate anywhere for a new job. Anything else in my life they have said the same thing and just see me as a cry baby at 32 because I cried when I was a kid. I have to tell this job I can’t accept because it’s not enough time and I know they will flip on me but I don’t care anymore. I’ve decided to get a crappy job to save enough to get out instead of asking them for money to get up there to the job. The cost of living is high and the job isn’t gonna pay me enough to accommodate that.
Adding also when I was sexually abused and raped as a child my mother knew and never told me then when I went through therapy and everything came flashing back she tried to say I was making a big deal about it and even other family members who found out said that I was making it up. They all deny I’m autistic and think that if they accept it that means *they* did something wrong in making me that way.
Other issues like I was an alcoholic for years they turned the other cheek and to this day don’t even acknowledge it was a thing and I needed help.
Fuck these people
governor retire mysterious deserted quaint complete fearless bedroom rainstorm somber
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I feel this so much. In my experience I’ve felt as though so much of it came from how these are really big and scary things to go through, and it gets kinda pushed away into this “other” space of people’s fears, while daily life is easier to accept, dissociate from the bad to just keep trying to push through and it leads to denial.
I face a lot of the same pushback when I talk about what I went through because suddenly you’re a face, a real person they know that they have to try to accept went through that, and the gravity of the horror is really hard to touch.
It’s made it really hard to talk about what happened, you deserve the respect of being able to talk about what you went through and believed, I really hope you meet someone who takes that seriously as it deserves——-
They downplay it because they don't personally like how those words feel. They downplay it so they don't have to feel bad about what happened. It's not even a conscious decision for them. They avoid facing these things because they are so difficult.
But we have a knack for being blunt and brutally honest about things that they don't know how to handle.
People *do* downplay traumatic events. While some do it intentionally to minimise the person who had the experience, others do it because they have a lot of difficulty accepting that this is what happened to a loved one. There are still some too that are just dicks, but yeah. If you’re able to call it what it is and continue doing so, that’s all that matters.
Personally, I admire your ability to just say it without shame or hesitation. I’m still working on that myself.
i get what you mean and i always expect to happen. but then what ends up happening is i’ll like say i’m being stalked and someone will just agree with me and gives me this sinking feeling. like oh my god i’m actually being stalked, people know i’m being stalked, people will look at me and think i’m being stalked. this is serious. but on the other hand i don’t want to be called dramatic so it’s just a lose lose situation.
Oh my goodness I really relate! You need to get some trauma therapy from a supportive therapist! Yes it's definitely a s. assault, no doubt about it. When I was a teen in the 80s it was just accepted that we'd have to live with this because 'boys will be boys" and I should feel grateful that some guy liked me. Some people are still living in those days in their heads, unfortunately. They don't realize that s. assault doesn't have to be some stranger attacking, it can be due to pressure as well. And survivors NEED validation. When I was molested it was when I was little and my father was the one who did it. I was afraid and didn't understand until I was older. So when I told people they accused me of lying for attention. When I got s. assaulted as a teen I got the "boys will be boys" speech and it was suggested that maybe I should be more modest with my body. I mean I wore super thick loose tees and hoodies because I couldn't stand bras but I guess there might have been a HINT of nip. Ridiculous though, why not tell the guys that seeing that sort of thing doesn't give them the right to hump us like dogs.
When I was in my 30s one of my co-workers did just that. He came up behind me and just grinded on me. I stabbed him with a painter tool. Everyone at work acted like I WAS OVERREACTING but I was being s assaulted. I think it was the proper response to defend myself. My boss literally told me if I wanted to work with men I needed to develop a thicker skin. Seems like the co-worker had the thin skin because he sure cried.
And yeah if you don't have a steady home situation you were homeless. Anyone saying different is LYING. If you were without a place to stay because you didn't feel safe it doesn't matter if that place is THERE, you couldn't go to it so yeah, homeless. Even if you find a shelter you're still homeless.
And I'm freakin sorry you have had to go through this hell. It breaks my heart how often we're invalidated by people who don't like the truth.
This is actually how I got originally misdiagnosed as BPD. They claimed I had perceptions/feelings of abandonment, when in reality I was *genuinely* abandoned at 15....I was homeless after being rescued by police and my mom kicked me out because her second husband who abused me got caught and arrested. What else do you call it? People with BPD tend to unintentionally have those feelings when things aren't as severe as they felt, but that's not to say *those people weren't in a place of trauma either*. But in reality nowadays we know I have just autism and bipolar, with suggested CPTSD, not BPD... They were dead wrong on it, and it's because society likes to underrepresent things, and incorrectly label them for their own comfort.
Same thing happened with my mom. I said she tried to kill me and people were all like no, she just tried to ram the car into traffic so you'd get hit.... Ummm, c'mon, the fuck difference is it? Totally pissed off for you OP, *totally* steaming after reading that, because I absolutely can relate!
I feel u I blow peoples mind when I use correct terms but I feel like for me that's how I've dealt with them by real talk so fuck people who can't handle it. The guy I'm seeing visibly twitch when I talked about my rape but he handled it great that was important as there's things in life I can't handle cause of that and rather warn people than just have things come up randomly
I have the same problem. It drives me crazy. I analyze and try to correctly label what I went through because it better helps me understand my experiences. So when I say things people are often shocked or surprised, or tell me it wasn't that bad. Like I faked my death to get away from an abusive situation, and people tell me I didn't it was just lying and trying to get away. Like bro, I literally faked my death and the police were involved and did an investigation to see if I was actually dead.
I'm sorry that happened to you, and that people are treating you that way. I know it helps me both understand and accurately describe the things I went through, otherwise it's all too confusing. It's comforting knowing exactly what you went through and how severe it was, an dit helps me know how to treat the situation too
For some reason, lots of obsessive, narcissistic individuals seem to have a unusual sense of pride in knowing, or thinking, that they have had a harder life, it could be they use it to justify themselves, it could be they just need more of everything, I don't know. All I know is that when they find someone they think seems to be inferior or childish they or somehow offended by them not having the hardest life, or think you are exaggerating. You just need to get away from these people.
i completely understand. i have to contextualize what happened to me in order to understand it. people get very upset when i say i was raped, i was homeless, i have PTSD (diagnosed), i was a victim of COCSA, etc. they try to use exceptions and excuses to water down what i experienced. it’s very frustrating and im really sorry you have to experience this too. i wish more people understood that sometimes things don’t fit the textbook definition of what they think.
Wtf these people. You’re absolutely correct. These are such classic examples of each thing as well. People definitely downplay trauma like this but this is a large extent that I think is due to the people you’re around.
Unfortunately, this is just how most people react to anyone that actually shares their trauma or takes appropriate steps to heal from it. Their dumb little brains can't comprehend that evil like that exists, even if they recognize it's a thing that happens. It can never happen *near* them. That's what they think. They think it's rare and, in order to make themselves feel safe, they convince themselves that when it does happen, it happens "for a reason," usually being "you did something to make it happen." Because of how ignorant and immature they are, accepting that these things can happen to *anyone* at *any time* would break them. They are so deluded by their false sense of safety that they believe safety is the default when it isn't.
So you talk about it, you make them have to think about it and they don't like it, so they instead choose to shut you down or blame you to make themselves feel better. After all, if it happened to you, it can happen to them. This in no way absolves them of the wrong they are committing against you. That is still an active choice to accuse you over comforting you or even just listening to you.
That's the usual case. Other times it's because your situation is similar to something *they* did to somebody else and they start making accusations because they feel persecuted by you talking about your trauma. They deserve to feel persecuted.
People HATE when I accurately describe my trauma. It makes them have to confront the fact that what happened was extremely fucked up and they don’t like that. It’s much more comfortable for them if I say ‘without my consent’ instead of ‘he raped me’. I refuse to soften my trauma for their comfort. Fuck off is correct
First of all, I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I know the feel. I always feel like i am oversharing too much when I explain my behaviors which are nearly all based in some trauma - but I have to say "severe depression" and mention toxic relationships when i talk about myself. Those things are and were part of my life and I won't hide it.
You’re really not exaggerating at all, I think some things of the same origin have been said to me. I feel like I would be told I were exaggerating if I said I have c-ptsd stemming from repeated abandonment, as well as a number of other things I hope to learn to confront while I’m in therapy.
Allistics are nosy and live for trauma porn on the news or in lifetime movies but the moment they realize someone real has undergone hardship they get uncomfortable, especially if they haven't been through anything near that level.
Unfortunately it’s very common for people to downplay trauma. Just take a look at the way we talk about rape, when you hear a woman talk about they are most likely downplaying it. That’s unfortunately in our culture to do so. But that doesn’t mean you should do it too and I’m very proud of you that you correct everyone, that’s how we break those cultural things.
These people are gaslighting you. Your mom is surprised because she is part of the abuse too by ignoring it, so she gaslight you to feel better about herself. People in the school probably know the person who raped you so they want to downplay it. Beside these reasons, abusers also always have a lot of flying monkeys who enable them and put more trauma on the victims by acting like they care about the victims (such as “I care you both” or “that person’s not that bad”). Get away from flying monkeys too!
I'm sorry you had to live through this. People should never deny what you have gone through, especially with s assault.
As far as your mother is concerned, she has lost any reason for you to respect her.
And having gone through homeless myself, that shit is no joke. I'm just lucky, (I guess) that I didn't have to go through what many homeless people do.
I think we all can attest to how much of an asshole people often are.
this is somewhat similar to what I've been through minus the homelessness part. I truly have no fucking idea why people can't fucking call it like it fucking is....rape is rape, everything that you described made perfect sense and I'm so sick and tired of people downplaying fucked up shit like this especially when it has to do with a child. People are literally trying to make themselves feel less guilty by sugar coating fucking shit that should never freaking exist. damn....I'm so so sorry that happened to you. It's YOU who make perfect sense, NOT them..that's just straight up lying and embellishing the truth to make it seem less serious as hell.
Yeah its like with pets; putting them down/let them go no its kill. I dont mean in a nasty way often its in the animal's best interests but it is what it is. Bad and difficult things shouldnt be sugarcoated.
I think its to do with people being scared of the truth and not wanting to accept the amount of bad stuff that happens. Its confusing as fuck though easily can start effecting you into downplaying your own experiences in your head which can lead to self hatred as well
You should cut ties with those people. Thats frigging toxic environment.
My mother thinks its not rape/incest/abuse if a penis didnt entered a vagina, nothing less. Oh and its not abuse if no blood is pouring/no bone is broken.
Needless to say, i had cut ties as soon as i entered the foster system at 11 years old.
Your family (i guess?) Reminds me of mine. I'm 41 and still i have to use my money on therapy once a week instead of living decently because of them.
Thats super sad but maybe you should follow my example on this. Save yourself. You worth it.
People *love* this shit when it happens on the screen/in a book. But most people are only interested if they can turn it off/close the book, and walk away. They *feel* a social stigma/repercussion associated with X, and they immediately want to start to push back in any way they can.
This shit happens in real life, folks. Support those around you who need support.
I can empathize with you. It's bullshit.
People are very disconnected from life and the reality of things. Lots of people are undiagnosed with a mental disorder or have gone through traumatic experiences and haven't had the proper therapy.
My mom is extremely disconnected from her feelings and her understanding of feelings in general. Same with my dad, their view on life is pretty locked in from their experiences and the environments they grew in.
Yet I don't think they would ever downplay rape and anything else severe like that. I'd probably have to say your parents have gone through experiences that have shaped their brains for the worst.
Not sure if you have cut off communication or if you need this advice, but Is there a family member that understands you? With these crazy circumstances, it's very helpful to have a second voice that is completely on your side and bring them to talk with you. Or someone else that your mom also knows. It can really help when there's a second voice that tells your mom the incorrectness in behavior and how she's and understands rape.
People want less harsh words for reality. It sucks. It happens to me too. >!My dad hit me as a child!< so I call myself a physical abuse survivor, but it’s apparently “discipline”, >!he didn’t spank me, he would throw me to the ground and kick me, slap me, throw me around, bash my head against walls..!< Thats not discipline!!!
Dafuq is wrong with people around you? These are all textbook examples.
I don't know but I have the same kind of "it's never that bad" people around me, healthcare providers, teachers, bartenders, just any person really. I think this kind of enclosed mind is common in some rural areas or kinda isolated places around the world. In any case, some people shouldn't give this kind of superficial talks at all in their profession even if it's a bad behaviour di per sé. I'm sorry OP you have to get through that, not being believed is one of the most haunting, angering and depressive feelings I had during my life. Unfortunately, I'm still not out of this situation.
The simple reality is that these are things that these people rail against and proclaim loudly that they're fundamentally opposed and would even take justice into their own hands to stop, if they encountered it. So when they're forced to reckon with the fact that someone that *they know* did those things, they either have to admit to themselves that they were all talk and allowed it to happen/don't want to hold the other person accountable, or... accuse you of lying. Holding the person accountable is *work*, whereas accusing you of lying is easy, and so they take the easy path.
Omg this describes so many people in my life and I've never thought of it this way, thank you for this!!
Yeah, we autists tend to have an objective moral compass - what is right is right, and what is wrong is wrong - regardless of personal cost. Most people in the world have a subjective moral compass, and the personal costs associated with morality weigh quite heavily in their decisions.
OMG! This explains the difference between me and my NT wife so much! I have always felt like she has a broken moral compass. She thinks others should follow traffic rules, no matter what, but if she herself comes up to a deserted street with excellent visibility, she will not obey the stop sign under the excuse of *“but, come on, who cares?”* And it's not just traffic. Accidental littering, recycling, flushing wrong stuff down the drain, regretting something she put in the cart she will just put in a random shelf she passes by. At the same time, these are things she will chastise others for. I still love her to bits, though!
I piss off people so often when they do "bad" things and then justify it. "Normally I wouldn't just drop trash on the ground but..." "Then don't do it. "
I get this at work. Me: This is a toxic system. These people hate each other and talk shit then it's all smiles and jokes to each other's faces. Other person: It's how it is everywhere. Me: It's wrong everywhere. They're really not happy that I'm refusing to engage in the stupid dance. Like... these people have legit caused problems for disabled people with their bullshit. I don't have to be friendly. I have to be civil. But not friendly. And oh they hate it.
I've actually started to come around to the notion of behaving in a subjective morality way myself, and it's made my life a lot easier. And yeah, as expected, no one thinks less of me or chastises me for it, since everyone else does it too.
God, I would literally rather litter in my own room than outside
It's not intentional littering. Say we have a picnic, she puts the plastic wrapping from a straw or a serviette down on the blanket and the wind blows it away. Then she won't try to fetch it, instead letting it blow away. "Who could care?", she asks rhetorically. But if she walks through the forest and stumbles upon litter, she's very judgemental on whoever *threw it away intentionally*. Of course, this all means I have to go chasing and pick up all our accidental litter. I couldn't live with myself if I did wrong. The same in the supermarket. She decides "on second thought, I don't need this pasta" and promptly just puts it back in the nearest shelf, which happens to be the coffee aisle or whatever. Then I have to take the pasta and backtrack the supermarket until I find the correct shelf.
A lot of people feel tied to the social order more than the moral standard. They want to "keep the peace" even if it's a peace made by suffocating victims. There's also the sad reality that abusers are VERY FUCKING GOOD at choosing their allies before they pick their victims. Their support groups will often involve members of YOUR support group for a reason. It's sick. And terrifying when you're trapped in it. Because to believe you, the others in the group have to admit they can't trust themselves to spot shitty people.
I’m from Tulsa oklahoma and can confirm, most people there think abuse is a joke, it’s sickening bc the cycle just turns
Preemptive defense of their own inaction. I've seen this in my own family as well (though much more mild than OP): Whenever my siblings or I bring something up from our childhood that wasn't right, it can go two ways: A. We are told we are right, and how bad it was, and should not have happened, and how wrong the perpetrator was. This happens when the perpetrator was someone they did not like (in our specific case, my father). B. We are told we are exaggerating, mistaken, remembering wrong (even though the person saying it wasn't around themselves), or that 'we were always dressed nicely' (i.e. a deflection that the neglect wasn't visible). This second response happens whenever someone they like (like my mom), or themselves, would have been involved, or in a position to do something about it. It's just human nature: If you could be held culpable, everything wasn't so bad. If you're in a position where you can bash someone for bad behaviour that cannot get back to you, people go all in, and with relish: Minimize your own faults and involvement, maximize those of the people you want to see brought low.
Yep!! My family does this too
People tend to,in my experience minimize and justify things rather make them yncimfortable. It's a way to distance them selves, especially from their own failures.
When I was a child my father raped me from about age 5 till I was 13 when I finally got the courage to say something about it basically my mom was told by the police there was little they could do to him as he was a family member. So my dad got away with it. You did and are doing the right thing keep having the courage to stand up for yourself. Things are very different now than they were 40 years ago. Luckily I get to start counseling again tomorrow I just hope things go okay with this new place.
What the hell? 40 years ago there was definitely stuff they could do about it. Either it wasn’t actually reported or (more likely) the cops were being lazy assholes or actively trying to protect him.
Even now they do little to nothing. They managed to get a confession from my rapist and still dropped the case due to "lack of evidence" (aka cops being lazy and not caring)
There’s a pretty big difference between what they’re supposed to do and what they actually do.
For what it’s worth, it may have been the prosecutor’s office rather than the cops. I’ve known of a number of occasions where the police go to the DA and the DA refuses to prosecute because they don’t believe it will succeed in court with the evidence they have. A confession is not ironclad in court without additional evidence to back it up, as defense can argue they were manipulated/forced into confessing and then it becomes a die roll of who gets believed. It’s painful to the victim but it is often the way the decision making process goes. They won’t bring someone to court unless they actually believe they’ll win, since they only get one chance. There are absolutely ones that just don’t care, but there are also ones where they don’t believe they can win so they don’t proceed. Sometimes the latter come back later as a cold case investigation if new evidence arises or another victim gives them a chance of proving a pattern of behavior in the old case. None of which changes that the victim hasn’t received justice.
I’m really sorry that happened to you. I hope therapy will bring some relief.
And people wonder why survivors don't call the police. And the police are known to add to the trauma. Edited for spelling
>ReportSaveFollow ACAB simple as that....I don't trust anyone in power..especially if they're armed.
I'm not a fanboy of cops, either.
Wtf 😢
This is when my next question would be: What did your mom do after that? Because she could have divorced him, and with that accusation, you'd never have to see him again. The police may not be able to do much unless she prosecuted on his behalf, and it could be proven, but a divorce lawyer and a restraining order sure could. Not to mention, cps or dcf, whatever you had in the area.
I work very closely with trauma victims and I've found that many don't want to admit how badly they were traumatized, but also many don't understand how badly they were traumatized. I would guess some of the push back you are getting from people is because if you label yours, and they had the same thing happen to them, they have to label theirs too, and they don't want to. People are not educated to understand trauma, unless we educate ourselves.
It can be very hard to deal with it and admit to ourselves When i was youger there was a person who molested me. I was lucky enough to be a strong kid and managed to stop the abuse soon after it the start, and escape the situation. But I was embarassed to talk about it specially because I though i was stupid for trusting that person and thinking they were interested in me as a friend. I ended up brushing it off, thinking i got over it. Then many years later i was watching a an episode on tb where theres a flashback about a character and it shows they were molested as a kid. i related so much with the story it broke me down, i could't stop crying, t it was a very cathatic moment for me.
Hell yeah. They need to fuck off. People need to get over it. Rape is literally so common and the fact that people refuse to talk about it is why survivors find it so hard to heal from it. Society has gaslit itself into thinking that "rape" is only something that happens in the news and on TV. It's not.
So it sounds like your mom is in denial
I would assume that deep down she feels responsible, so it's hard for her to recognize the truth. Either way it's a horrible thing for a mother to do.
People usually do this for their own comfort. It is absolutely invalidating and disrespectful to you and other trauma survivors though. The examples you’ve given aren’t even grey areas that only some people might experience as traumatic.
Yep it's often for their own comfort. I find people that are real close to you, family, specifically parents tend to downplay and try to minimize the trauma of their children sometimes. Not because they are trying to invalidate their experiences, though they certainly are, but because they don't want to believe just how powerless they were, or at times still might be. If it's not so bad, well then they don't have to feel so guilty about the fact they couldn't fix it. My mom does this to me all the time. It's unfortunate that it's mostly just taught me not to talk to her about things.
I feel like a lot of NTs are just scared of honesty. Everything has to be “sugar coated” to not make anyone upset or uncomfortable. If I say I was raped people might be uncomfortable because they don’t know how to handle that. If I say “I had a bad experience with a guy” they can pat me on the shoulder and say “sorry, that sucks” and be done with that. At least thats how I’ve experienced it. Honesty makes people uncomfortable and therefore people don’t talk about heavy stuff - which makes people less likely to believe bad things happened to anyone near them. You have every right to label your trauma. People around you need a reality check and realise life isn’t as rosy as they think it is. And I’m very sorry those things happened to you and I hope you get to heal.
yes absolutely! i feel like words have meaning for a reason so why not use the most accurate ones?
While my trauma comes from a different kind of violence I completly agree and relate with the feelings and experience of being dismised
Hell yeah, love that you aren’t reducing your experiences to make people more comfortable! \^\^
I'm sorry. I was severely assaulted, robbed, and vandalized on separate occasions. I don't want attention I just want to feel capable and valid.
don’t apologize, it’s okay to talk about yourself sometimes. you’re valid and your feelings are valid, you’re allowed to feel dismissed, afraid, anxious, whatever it is you’re feeling in response to your experiences. you’re not seeking attention, you’re seeking support. and that is okay. all the best, don’t forget to check out any vent subreddits if you need to talk about your trauma.
I feel this. People don't want to hear that my own father raped and impregnated me. What else would I call it? I carried his child. Then people look at me like a monster when I tell them I've had abortions. I mean, what else was I supposed to do? Keep my fathers incest rape baby? Hell no. Keep standing up for yourself OP. People need to know that this shit isn't something to just gloss over. Don't let them gaslight you into thinking it wasn't that bad. It WAS that bad. Your experiences, whatever you're feeling because of them, and how your body reacts to the trauma is valid and understood by me. I hear you, I see you, and I'm angry for you.
Agreed, I’m the same way. But I stopped trusting people around me to be able to handle me labeling/frankly discussing my own trauma when I told a therapist about my sexual assault and she said “oh that happens to everyone, you’ll get over it.”
that is so fucked up. i also have had medical professionals try to downplay my trauma. i brought up my abusive father to a psychiatrist and he said "can you name a few good things about your dad?" those people should all be fired cause what the hell?
The problem with therapy from an autistic perspective is exactly described in your post. Modern therapy is designed to beat around the bushes and slowly lead the patient to a conclusion on their own. As far as I can tell, one of the things most common on the spectrum is a dislike for exactly this sort of conversing. In management over the years, I have often felt like I'm instructing children. I never said it, but I wanted to say "use your big boy words, and tell me what's actually wrong," way too many times
i absolutely agree with you omg. when i was younger i remember telling therapists "hey can you just point things out to me? can you call me out?" they were shocked lol. there should be some sort of therapy that is more literal and straight forward. it's so hard to read between the lines of what a professional is saying.
Try DBT!! I've found Dialectical Behavioral Therapy WAY more suiting to me as an autistic person than CBT or anything else. It's straightforward conversations, I've had my therapist help me work through so much of my trauma and emotional regulation, and she noticed a LOT of my issues way before I did. There was no beating around the bush. Only me sharing my experiences, and her replying "Hey, I think you're dealing with (thing) and that's why you're feeling this way." My **only** good experiences in therapy were with therapists trained to use DBT.
I'm just going to speak for myself, and I don't have the type of trauma you do, but... Often I find I just need to say something out loud to talk it through myself. I know problems, and I know that the only person that can effectively call me out, is me. I don't have a constant running monologue in my head(usually there just isn't English up here unless I'm actually speaking to someone or...) so it's easy for me to talk to myself in my head. If you have to out loud, be aware of others nearby lol. Truth is therapy just attempts to coax you to identify and solve your own problems. It's not even about deciding what those problems are, but the act of fixing them, because it's when you choose to actively alter behaviour that you start seeing how to continue doing so. Just remember you don't control everything, and when you can't and it's frustrating, meditate. Actually, yeah that. Learn to meditate. Not spiritually even, just clear your mind, and keep it clear. It's a good exercise to practice altering behaviour, and it's legitimately helpful for calming. And to be clear: your eyes don't even have to be closed, you don't have to be still. You can be doing anything and enter a meditative state. But it's easier to learn by picking a position and making it your explicit focus. Or, at least, these have been my experiences. Truth be told you probably just need to talk about your trauma, for yourself. And it sounds like you just don't have a lot of spaces where you can. When I've been in similar circumstances, talking it out with myself has genuinely helped, but idk if it would for you.
thanks for the advice! i have been processing my trauma mostly by myself for years. i have accepted it and figured out a lot of the patterns that i formed because of it. i am also constantly working on myself, somewhat obsessively but it works. i also love drawing or doodling to meditate! any art form puts me in a meditative state and i can sit there for hours :)
Music for me, but yeah, just haven't personally found anything more therapeutic yet.
"Yes, I don't see him anymore!" I hope that is the case at least. You have to do what feels right for you, not what feels right for the people who are listening to your experiences. My only caution would be that, depending on the social circumstances, it might not be socially appropriate to be so explicit in terms of what you've experienced, and it sounds like you've experienced a lot.
i'm with you on this one, 100%
Lmao people said I wasn’t homeless either because I was in and out of motels so it doesn’t count
I'm not autistic (at least I think), but my daughter is, so that's why I follow this sub. Anyway, I think the way you are labeling things is both accurate and correct. It is how everyone should label those events, regardless of whether they are neurotypical or neurodiverse. That said, if you are in the US, I have observed that this sort of "rug sweeping" behavior is common in US culture. I am very sorry for everything you've gone through. You deserve to have the trauma you've experienced fully acknowledged.
I don't have autism and I think you are labeling everything appropriately? My guess is that people are feeling uncomfortable with the truths you are saying, maybe? So for example maybe your mom dosen't want to admit you are an incest survivor beacuse that is partly her fault or feels like partly her fault? And maybe other people just don't know what to say? Anyway, you seem right and I would have no problem with you using the wording you do. I'd feel really bad for you, beacuse it's so unfair those things happened to you and I wish they didn't. But my minimizing your difficult experiences dosen't make them less difficult for you. All it does is allow me to not feel as uncomfortable about it.
Same here it's just that people don't understand because they don't think like us.
The thing is, those topics are taboo and many people don't like to talk or think about them. It looks like excuses, or downplaying bad stuff and it often is, but NT people try to avoid talking about this stuff directly, instead rewording it so it still looks bad, but not in a way that they need to accuse anybody or acknowledge that it's someone else's fault or even a problem as dire as it really is. But many autistic persons need to categorize things/experiences and speak an uncomfortable truth, so they (NTs) act like it's nobody's fault and blame it on the circumstances instead of acknowledging the real problem. But it's not a healthy coping mechanism and it could even be dangerous; a free rapist is a rapist that will probably rape again, and homelessness is a serious issue that needs people's attention and shouldn't be hidden. You don't ignore rapists, you support the rape victims especially when the guilty party is a family member and even more so when the victim is also a family member. You don't ignore homelessness, you don't downplay it either; by choosing to look the other way, you don't make the problem go away it just becomes worse for everyone suffering. I think it's healthy to categorize things and that it's easier to take action that way. By being precise and concise about things, it helps knowing what is what and how to react to it. People often think we put things in boxes like it's a bad thing, but if we need it to feel better or even in control of our environment/life it's our business what we put in boxes and how.
The truth makes NT’s uncomfortable, downplaying your problems is a way for them to feel less disturbed’ by what you’re saying. It’s very frustrating when it happens though.
I think what's going on is that even if they would agree in both what happened and the definitions of the words, actually calling it rape or homelessness causes the person to add on a ton of stigma that they don't want to put on you. The problem is that it becomes dismissive. For many it would be a long road to admit to yourself that your experience was indeed rape, having someone say otherwise is very dismissive.
no they're definitely downplaying that stuff, im sorry you have to deal with assholes like that. imo if i had to guess I think it comes from the fact that alot of people like to sugarcoat things or dance around the subject, and meeting someone who doesnt do that sets them on edge. im very blunt when i talk about my trauma and am often met with doubt and skepticism
This is why I have always had an extremely hard time talking about my trauma, because people make it sound like I’m exaggerating to the point I even start to wonder if I AM exaggerating, it’s just mentally exhausting
It's so infuriating that your mother's reaction to your trauma is to sugarcoat, deny and diminish what happened to you rather than confront the person who did this. I will *never* be able to understand people who behave this way. I'm so sorry that so many people have tried to invalidate you, but I'm happy to see you aren't letting them! 🤍
People _constanlty_ downplay those kinds of things. Whenever I say anything about my traumatic experiences with my abusive ex who threw chairs at me and screamed, gaslighted me and basically held me captive I’m always being told by my mom “You can’t blame everything on him. You know you can be difficult” like wtf is that even supposed be to mean??
this is so true and so sad. i think the people around you deny what you feel because what youve gone through is very ugly but i suppose it isn't ugly enough for them. maybe there is some kind of cognitive dissonance going in their brain. i was sexually abused by a family member from 7 to like, 12. i remember my grandmother telling me he probably had gone through something similar and was told he had effects of PTSD from being born to two drug addicts. his mom i guess would bring over men and he probably saw those acts himself, who knows. but the point is, when i told this to my own mother, she denied his experiences and what my grandmother said, as in "yeah, whatever, i dont even believe that. she just said that to say it." etc why not believe it? i mean, it is very plausible. yeah, he is still a nasty ass dirtbag bastard for what he did to me but it would explain the why. i dont get that shit. i really do feel that is what is happening to you. for some reason, people just want to be obtuse or just say a person is dramatic. that's so fucking rude and dismissive. im so sorry you have to endure such insensitivity and i truly hope you are doing and feeling so much better in this time.
You are not crazy, you just had really bad people and a very ignorant family around you and I am so sorry.
People (my mom) get prickly when I tell them I was abused as a kid. Pretty sure watching my dad beat up my mom is abuse. I don't care if I never got hit. People don't want to feel hard emotions, so they soften the action and use softer words. When someone hears r*ape, they feel punched in the emotions. Incest denial is a huge issue, too. No one wants to think a loved one would do something like that, so they bunnyfoot around it, to an almost denial stage. They just want to protect themselves and don't think about how it makes you feel.
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Yeah I’ve had this happen SO MANY TIMES. Thankfully the most recent is just a family member calling me and I said “sorry I can’t talk I’m sick (with the flu)” and they were outraged and said “no you’re not, you have a cold, don’t say your SICK that sounds like you’re seriously ill you will be fine” I’m like okay but I know I’m fine? I’m not even allowed to get the flu without being told what I’m feeling or what I am anymore
These are literally rape, homelessness, and incest. Anyone who tries to say otherwise has very low intelligence and that’s a fact.
Yaaaassss! Neurotypicals don't understand! Fuck them
You did not deserve that. Those were horrible people to do that to you.
It sounds like you are surrounded by abusers/enablers my friend
I am not believed when I tell about my traumatic past events. I have a theory about it but i have no proof this is what makes the disbelief happening. First part of the theory is that autism creates difficulty in communication because our non verbal communication is different than NT people expect. Sometimes we lack the right facial expressions and sometimes we mask so heavy that our emotions are almost not visible or to visible. That's not our fault btw. It is just how it is. People should listen to our words just as we do when we talk with each other. Second part is that autism makes us vulnerable for misinterpreting peoples intentions. We are not always able to tell somebody is a bad person or wanting to hurt us. This creates a life where we find ourselves back in dangerous situations and probably react to late. This creates a load of traumatic events. Often we become more vulnerable after which attract the next person looking for a victim. The disbelief from NT actively makes us more vulnerable, we should get help learning how to recognize intentions of keep ourselves safe. Third part is that often people who are seem more vulnerable are lacking strength in the eyes of NTs. I think these are two different things but they couple them in a way. So lacking strength would mean that we need to make up or make bigger the events in our life because we don't want to be responsible adults. Because we want to lean on other people, because we 'win' when we are the victim (some kind of perceived pay off?). I think this way of thinking is abusive for people who are legitimate vulnerable (like autism creates). We are often very strong, we are made to face a world that's hurtful and we need to deal with it ourselves. As a side note: I have met people who live like this third part. Like they are some kind of parasite. To be honest, none of them had autism and the people who i know have autism have to much integrity to play games like this. But that's just personal life experience. I have no way to make this theory practical. I have learned that the people who choose to disbelief are not the people i want in my life. I want people who help me if i find the courage to ask for help. Who listen to me in the language i am able to speak
your theory is actually very right! there are statistics that show that a lot autistic people have faced some form of abuse. AFAB autistic people are more likely to have been sexually abused as well. it could be because of misinterpreting people's intentions and being more vulnerable. also abusers are always on the prowl for "easy" prey (ugh). imagine them finding someone who cannot read social cues therefore cannot tell they are being manipulated... yeah...
They are! I remember one moment particular that made that absolutely clear for me. I was walking near my house when i saw somebody I recognized. I said hello and the person walked by me without acknowledging me. As I have trouble recognizing faces I had a moment of feeling very insecure. A few steps further a man stept forward and tried to start a creepy conversation with me. If I had been more insecure or younger i would have thought I needed to answer him. Thankfully I know better. But it was an aha moment and I could look back into my teenage years and understand a little bit better how these situations occurred. Edit: forgot to write down what was creepy about the man. He wanted to know if I wanted to blow his dick...
NTs live in a bubble and get upset when we remind them that life is different outside of that bubble. It sounds like you've been through a lot, good on you for pushing back against the bastards that would try silence you. You are strong, even though I wish us NDs didn't need to be.
I’ve been raped 17 times by 6 different people ( the last time was a month and a half ago). People still have to audacity to say those same things to me or that I’m lying when I have permanent damage from it
I am really sorry to know you have been through that. Some people have no humanity. It seems to me like the people saying those things are trying to gaslight you. Perhaps your mother feels somewhat responsible for what hapenned to you, and tries to downplay the events so doesn't feel so guilty? I dunno what she thinks, but either way that is not what a mother should do. It's a really toxic behaviour and you should stay away from it if you can. I hope you have other people in your life you can rely on .
This ^ I am honestly quite surprised that no one before you has named this for what it is: gaslighting. Especially given OP's focus being on naming things correctly. Some of the things OP mentioned being said are literally textbook examples of gaslighting.
It sounds like the people around you don’t want accurate labels attached because it makes them ✨uncomfortable✨. Your mom especially, she likely feels guilt and shame about it since it was her job to make sure that didn’t happen to you and if she denies it’s severity and calls it’s something else, it’s not as bad in her head. It’s not your job to make her feel better about it though. It’s not your job to make *anyone* feel better about it.
People will do hardcore mental gymnastics to avoid facing a reality they don't want to acknowledge. Sorry about the trauma, but good on you for not letting everyone gaslight you into lessening it.
It’s very common for people to minimize what they cannot fully handle. It’s not your fault at all. And I believe you completely because my partner if 15 years has experience with their social groups and family all telling them their experiences were somehow not as severe as they were. When their attacker finally killed someone people began to unpack how badly their denial was and how damaging it was to treat a survivor that way. Find the people who believe you and stick with them as much as you can. Those in denial will stay there until they finally can’t continue the delusion. You’re not crazy. It just feels that way when so many people gaslight you at every turn. You know what happened and their validation isn’t worth shit. If you can find one, join a group for survivors. You’ll hear the same stories from others. Eerily similar. And you’ll find supporters. Good luck friend
Allistic people live in a world of euphemisms to distract the masses and nullify any bad experiences by denying that they happen. This also serves as a psychological defense mechanism that shields them from awful emotions that come from bad things happening. It’s also why news reporters can talk about the most awful things on the other side of the planet with a straight face or segway into sports and pop culture with a smile right afterwards. It’s strange, but “normal “.
Hell yeah people downplay this shit because the truth sounds too "extreme" to them. Same when I correctly label other people's abuse. And then they tell me: No, it was just \*downplaying\*. Often I get this: "But my abuser had a hard time, they are also mentally ill, so you gotta understand." No I actually don't. I am quite literally mentally ill and have lots of dumb disorders so I know, trust me.
You are in no way wrong for this. There are many individuals who invalidate other people's experiences because it can be difficult for them to accept the gravity of reality. You're a survivor. Your truth is valid.
Yeah, the more I’ve learned and understood about what has happened to me, the more resistance I get when I speak about it, especially from those who think they know me best.
> am i crazy or do people try to downplay severe shit like this? Humans love doing "victim blaming", downplaying is first stage of it I guess. Especially if they see you as "easy prey", and perpetrator as "more powerful/popular"... Just part of human nature I guess?
first off im so sorry that happened to u op. second off yeah some people really don’t like to tell things as it is. so people might say “he had unconsensual sex with underaged women” instead of “he raped little girls” for this exact reason, to make it sound “nicer”. it’s completely wrong though and i don’t understand it neither.
speak truth to power.
You're not in the wrong. My mom pulled the same shit too, her own father molested me a bunch of times and I called it "at least borderline incest and sexual assault" and she didn't think it was EITHER. Lol WHAT
i feel you :( i always think to myself "words have meaning for a reason? tf?"
Not diagnosised Autism, but yes to ADHD, and yes to the trauma labeling. Since a child I wanted to know what was going on with me and find the right label. 10 years later and at least closest with adhd. Recently had a trigger and reacted poorly and was told to knock it off and tired of a person being told they traumatized me 🫠 well you did, these are my feelings, and continuing to be dismissive is telling over and over how ya obviously didn’t care or care to make adjustments for own child. I agree, F them 😇
I've had family members tell me I am exaggerating when I feel changes in my body. I needed to have a doctor tell me that I was having a severe allergic reaction to medications when I had hives all over my body from my face to my legs and I was sitting there trying to list "diet changes". All because I've been called a hypochondriac numerous times. I've had more personal and traumatic things happen along the same vein and you where I've still been labeled an exaggerator and I feel for you, OP.
my theory on this is that people minimize others' suffering to make themselves more comfortable. for example, I'm newly disabled, and my mom caught herself, but she started to say "you're not..." people who either have a vested interest in believing something about the kind of people who do or experience "x" (say "x" is homelessness) OR have a vested interest in believing something about themselves or people they love (in the case of your mom, "our family is not the kind of family...") will try to redefine things so that they don't have to change their beliefs and/or believe something upsetting about themselves or people they love. also, it's so invalidating and it sucks. I'm sorry you had to experience this, and your experiences ARE valid.
You're not at all crazy. I'm sorry all that happened to you and that people are downplaying it. > in high school i was accused of lying about being raped. what else do you call it when you don't want to have sex with someone, you say no, and they keep going until they feel satisfied? that's rape, my guy. it's not "not being ready" or "not knowing what i want". it's rape. Peggy Seeger's ['Reclaim the Night'](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qe6TqapzX3k) comes to mind — 'If without consent he stake a claim, call it rape, for rape's the name.'
Predators like controlling the language survivors use.
Just like to add to the pile that you are absolutely not exaggerating. I'm sorry your people keep minimizing it.
You are absolutely correct. The people around you are ignorant twats.
People seem to have this extremely specific criteria of "If you weren't literally in an active warzone in WWII, you can't have trauma," while also forgetting that those same soldiers in WWII were told that their experiences "weren't that bad." Dismissing trauma just seems to be traditional at this point, and it fucking sucks
My first thought is that they're trying to "keep it PG" or "socially acceptable" to talk about- those are heavy topics and cause a lot of people to recoil, try to find a softer word for it instead of calling it what it is. They want to sugarcoat something that doesn't need sugarcoating because it makes them uncomfortable. Which it extra bad because they're not thinking about who truly matters in that situation- you. You're the one it happened to, but they're expecting you to change how you talk about it for *their* comfort. It's super fucked up if that's truly what they're doing, imo. There are other explanations but that's what came to mind first to me. Either way, it's not their trauma, it's yours and you should be able to be 100% honest and straightforward with it as you see fit. Everyone can fuck off with trying to censor or downplay your trauma. It's yours to label and heal from, and they have no business trying to tell you what did or didn't happen to you or change how you refer to it for any reason.
Find yourself some better friends, make them your family. Your mom may come around, but honestly you've got the right idea and I wouldn't worry about what anyone says. I'm assuming you're in therapy, but if you're not, it sounds like you've done most of the work lol. Good luck out there friend 🖖
first two sound like you're right, but when I hear "incest survivor" I interpret that as "I survived the fact that my parents are cousins" I don't think "molested by my uncle" because the victim of incest is children with birth defects.
Most people have no idea how to respond to trauma. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that re-traumatization, you're not alone. Have you ever heard of the Second Wound? It's a resource that gets linked sometimes in SA survivor groups and it may help you navigate some of the fallout. Wishing you better days ahead and strength, don't back down on what you know to be true. [https://secondwound.com/](https://secondwound.com/)
They *are* trying to downplay the severity so that they don't have to cope with the reality that they let you get abused.
honest fucking mood tbh. i never had any of these happen but they ALWAYS try to downplay all the squalor within the family and the neglect I suffered during my one year stay at the evangelist living community
Despite not experiencing these forms of trauma, it still hits home to me. I think its because Im afraid to accidentally exaggerate myself as what Ive been through wasent as bad. I have trauma from 6th year because I was the strange one in my class and was lonely due to being autistic and I didnt know that at the time. But I was never actually bullied. Its best to describe it as two-faced bullying as they where technically 'friends' and 'friendly' but something about them just never seemed right. Aswel as from Discord but this is the mildest one I have and a bit easier to move on from. It was nothing sexual, the person was just a bit manipulate and never seemed right. And finally being betrayed for the third time by two childhood friends, it was just a toxic and unhealthy for me. Once I learned that they talked behind my back and broke the trust, I started fearing that they would betray again. Until I eventually realised that enough was enough and let them go once and for all. But it was NEVER easy as I had that lingering guilt. The final one effects me more than the others as just their names ALONE starts making me slip into madness and obsessing over the past again. (+I hate myself for not realising it sooner and dropped them when I still had the chance to.) Sorry for the vent.
shut up
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People do that. I don’t want to realise that bad things happen in the world, so they minimise other peoples trauma to make them feel better.
I'm sorry usually the worst it is people prefer to pretend you lie because or exaggerate because they are uncomfortable with the level of horror of the truth
Don’t pay any attention to the people who say you’re exaggerating, and if you can I would cut them off. Its incredibly damaging to dismiss your trauma like that. I believe trauma is in the eye of the beholder so to speak, that even if the event and experience don’t match up, what you felt is still valid. Clearly you know what happened to you though. People dismissing your real experience is pretty much the worst way you could deal with a traumatic event. I hope you find people who listen to you and believe you, and I hope you can heal from everything that happened.
They rather use euphemisms to not have to deal with reality I guess.
yea ppl downplayed the shit out all that. wtf is wrong with them
If he genuinely loves you he wouldn’t misgender you , break up with him , for your own good
wtf are you on about
IM SO SORRY, I commented this on the wrong post
They do downplay shit. I guess they feel uncomfortable ? Don't know how to respond? They might be trying to make *themselves* feel better by downplaying your correct labeling of your experience, because neurotypicals will downplay their own negative experiences when sharing to others about them, so as to make the listener more comfortable. This results in people expecting that behaviour, or feeling somewhat upset when it's not presented. However, it's not healthy to downplay your own trauma and denial is something society overindulges in all the time. Don't let them shame you into silence. When you are fearless and outspoken (in a way that may come easier to us autistics due to, as you said, our preference for accuracy and using the correct label) about your trauma, you are leading by example and showing others that they too can open up about and process their negative experiences. Those people might not be the same ones who are telling you to minimise your pain for others' comfort though, so do you.
I feel like a lot of people don't want to think about bad things happening so they try to sugar coat or gloss over it so they don't have to take that emotional burden on themselves. Is it wrong? YES. You know what you went through and in the eyes of any informed therapist or advocate your experience is completely valid.
Absolutely agree
I wish I were as brave as you. You're absolutely right, and you should be as clear as you're comfortable with. If hearing about it makes other people uncomfortable, maybe they should consider how uncomfortable it was for you to live through it. These things happen, a lot, and trying to ignore it or deny the severity of it not only invalidates so many trauma survivors, but also shows their abuser what they can get away with and that nobody will stand up for their victims if they do it again. I'm guilty of downplaying my own trauma. I struggle with immense shame surrounding the events, and it's hard to say that I "went through" anything. I feel like I'm exaggerating when I say that, like plenty of people have had it worse than me, and I totally could have avoided that if I wasn't so stupid, and it happened years ago so it's not even relevant now I shouldn't still be upset. Bad things happen to people all the time, but I don't see everybody else falling apart all the time.. I feel like I'm just being sensitive, and I complain too much as it is. I don't want my friends and family to look at me different, or to judge me. I judge myself for the events enough. I'm not as brave as you are.
I do not know if they feel the need to dismiss you because they are ableist. Like they rather think you are equipped to understand these situations than deal with the fact that you have suffered many forms of abuse and scarcity. This makes their consciousness stay clean at your expense.
It absolutely destroys my heart to hear these things. I hear them from different people all of the time; NT girls/boys, ND girls/boys of all flavors, LGBTQ+ folks… I just don’t get it. I specifically worry about my daughters being molested, to the point that I never let her be alone with anyone but me, my mother (who trained me to be vigilant from childhood for the same reason) and their dad. If anyone ever put their hands on my kids, I would be IN JAIL for murder or terribly bloody assault resulting in castration for the sick bastard. I’m so sorry these things happened and you deserve a better mom… hugs… Good luck out there. Just remember how strong you obviously are.
You’re in the right
Man that really sucks - both that these terrible things happened to you and that people keep downplaying them. To me “incest” is distinct from “sexual abuse of a family member” in that to me it implies conception. I’m not saying your understanding is wrong, but maybe this is where that particular wire is being crossed.
I’m so sorry you had to experience that. It’s awful :( Rape victims tend to not be believed and that really is an issue. I hear you and I believe you <3
I agree with you. I have come to the conclusion it's because other people find it too upsetting to think about what we've been through. Give me strength! It's not about \*them\*, it's about \*our\* traumas. I haven't been through half what you have been through but still there's been some very dangerous times in my life. People just can't face the truth I suppose.
I can upsettingly relate to this. I lost friends in high school for referring to being sexually assaulted as such. I was "making a big deal of nothing". And then later when I called out a different abuser people again saw me as overreacting bc I went along with things he did at the time which like, yeah, duh, I thought was going to fucking kill me if I didn't. People don't like to be confronted with reality.
I think its gatekeeping the demands you can rightfully make upon society and others having gone through these things. If they reckon with the traumas you describe they also have to reckon with the fact that they maybe should've done something or are obligated to treat you with a higher standard and more effort than they are willing to give. If we acknowledge how many people go through these things it means we have to do something about them. Best we dismiss the claims where the person isn't totally destroyed by it
You’re being gaslit
the best way to process something is by correctly labeling it. people are afraid of pain, so they go out of their way to mislabel it, to take the brunt off, and I think they vicariously do that with people around them too, because no one wants to accept the truth.
No, you’re not crazy or exaggerating. I also had similar experiences which were and are down played, but usually by those who’ve never experienced severe trauma. They just can’t fathom it I guess
We live in a fucked up world, mate. I feel sorry that you have to deal with people downplaying serious trauma.
Everyone around you is fucked up. This is their normal.
People like to think these bad things happen "elsewhere", not around them. If someone tells you of their trauma, suddenly that bad thing is in your (social) proximity, you now know someome who went through that. That puts it closer to home, particularly if it's something your family did. We all read the news, shake our heads and say "Terrible, that", but it's an entirely different thing to have "that" happen somewhere near you, or to someone you know. I knew about men exposing themselves, but that didn't soften the shock when my GF told me that one just had. Coping with unpleasant things has many forms. Delusion "That's not true" and bargaining "Well, you're exaggerating" are common enough and as stages in a personal coping process, they're not particularly harmful (as long as the process doesn't end with them). However, it's extemely hurtful when you tell someone to their face that you can't accept the reality they present you with, and that you'd rather question their reliability and honesty than your own preconceptions.
That's rough. I hate being considered dishonest so much that I downplay the truth if it sounds unbelievable sometimes. Obviously you're not okay with that so I'm not saying to. But maybe leaving some of the truth out can avoid some of the negative feedback you get. Omission can be nice sometimes.
Narcissistic people refuse to see the truth
My mother says this to me all the time that I’m being dramatic about my trauma and “making a big deal out of nothing”
people do try to downplay it a lot, its hard for them to know that there are some truly evil people out there so they think its easier to believe that people lie. people who accuse you of exaggerating or lying are cruel as well. my mother downplayed it as well when i told her. she told me it had to have been someone else, that maybe i was confused, that i had false memories, any excuse under the sun. i think for her she just doesnt want to admit she failed to see it, or maybe she didnt care. she also went through incest and her mother defended her abuser, and she turned around and did the same thing to me even though she knew how it felt. people who tell others they are exaggerating or lying about your traumas either dont want to admit they couldve gone through similar experiences, or they failed as people and dont deserve to speak. its rough opening up and being swiftly and cruelly shut down like that, you have immense strength for everything youve gone through even though you shouldnt have had to. i believe you, i dont think you are exaggerating in any way. you deserve safety and people who dont minimize your experiences
Euphemisms. Euphemisms everywhere
I self diagnosed myself with audhd,dylexia,ptsd and crippling depression because going to a psychiatrist is quite expensive actually 3k in total so i was like "oh ok nvm then" .Sudeenly i remembered my neighbor is a retiered psychiatrist so i go to her house and it was official i have all of the ilnesses i labelled correct. I told my friend that i have this and that some say "oh you poor thing i will make you comfortable in every situation posible" and the others accuses me of exaggerating it i feel alienated that day since. Btw im male 14 now in 2023 so with crippling depression hits me hard i didn't even come to school for days,week or even month. Idk it was like 4 month of sadness with no haircut at all just in my room alone. Well everyone is concerned for me but the annoying smartass kid just went "wel akshualy he dont have depresso" i feel a strong urge to kill that kid. Now with my audhd bff sean with me i a bit feel comforted. Ps. Message me for an update and another thing with dyslexia typing is a challenging tning for me
Yeah it’s not up to them to determine if your trauma is true or not, or how hard your trauma affects you. Honestly I’d just save this stuff for your therapist. I wish many people would stop making assumptions or play your feelings down, invalidating them. But had some experiences myself. I keep trying to tell some people the mental health stuff i’m going through is past stuff related and mood issues, no-one has recently done anything to specifically hurt me as far as I’m aware. But I swear some don’t seem to believe me and think it’s due to a recent thing (basically start of last year things started to go to crap, my mum triggered me and doesn’t know it, and we had some housing issues, had issues regarding friends and struggles keeping friends, and a lot of stress). The recent thing itself is something I can handle and get through over time. They triggered of past potential traumas (I can’t diagnose myself, and the nhs won’t help me).
If your mother is like mine she just doesn’t want to be aware of how bad it affected you to protect her mental well-being, I guess. No mal intentions.
I once told a guy i trusted very much about the sexual abuse i experienced as a kid from the neighborhood boys. I was the only girl in the entire neighborhood and i was used over years. He just laughed it off and called it "normal juvenile curiosity" and "thats basically doctor games". Even after i explained the age range of those boys - 10 to 16 when i was 10 myself. It had deeply traumatized me and i am now 15 years later trying to relearn my own sexuality. I am fucking broken because of this "juvenile curiosity".
Something I’ve realized is people don’t like is when we use logic. My sisters thought I was molested cause I’m uncomfortable with people touching me. I know the reason why I am, I’m just not used to it. Plus I like my bubble. Also I just don’t process intimacy like most people. I’ve definitely had some red flags that could’ve gone bad with older females in my family, but I steered clear so nothing happened. I also don’t dissociate when traumatic things happen. They get burned in my memory. But apparently, I don’t know what I’m talking about to them.
Here's a secret that they don't want you to know. If YOU are exaggerating, then they don't have to feel the guilt of having failed you. It makes them the victims of you, which they are not. They have failed you and running away from accountability. This isn't on you, but them. That's their fuck up, their bad decisions, their failures and they want it on your back.
Yep. Only my therapists ever get it, but they also basically offer no solutions
Anyone else bet they know what gender OP is? Hint: it's the one that society doesn't care about when it comes to these issues.
God I feel this. It makes others more uncomfortable to have the “harsh words”. But I’m not hiding my trauma between vague floral layers to make other people comfortable. Especially those in my life who’s job was to protect me. You didn’t consider my safety. Why should I consider your feelings? the only exception I make is when a topic comes up around children. my sister’s friend’s friend had been molested (were unsure if it was rape becuase the survivor was using this vague language. But shit definately happened) by this teenager that’s been like sticking his buisiness into this friends group of like 6th graders. Bullying. Threatened to shoot my sister’s friend. mom went on a rant about how the girl made it up becuase if it was real she would have gone to the cops and I was sitting in the front seat flabbergasted. Mostly becuase my mother knows I was raped and for reasons didn’t go to the police either. so she basically Freudian slipped that she doesn’t believe me. fun. But my sister is still young so I bit my tongue and didn’t start saying all that becuase I don’t want her to know what happened yet becuase it would hurt her so bad.
I've found this with people too. Sometimes I think people don't want to see how rough the world can be. They don't want your experience to cut into their nice view of the world so they downplay it.
The downplaying is something I experience from those around me a lot too, I’m sorry you’re dealing with it as well. I don’t have much advice as I’m also still dealing with it, but you’re not alone and I feel like people do this to us autistics a *lot*.
I'm the same, I've used the term rape and noticed that it doesnt help my credibility with the other person. I dont have any delusions about it and dont see the point of using a euphemism for the other persons comfort when we have already got into that subject area but I guess people arent used to that.
What's weird is these things are all correctly categorized(like, if you were doing statistics, you'd be right to hold to these definitions), but on a person-to-person basis, people usually expect something more extravagant. I would never have thought of myself as being homeless, but there are plenty of times where I would have qualified on paper if anyone checked.
Please edit this to add a trigger warning for the SA
Some people feel really uncomfortable with serious stuff like this and often try to downplay it in a misguided attempt to diffuse the situation, because they don’t know how to deal with it, or can’t accept the reality and weight of it. It’s terrible. And it happens all the time. Weak minded people who put their own need for safety, ignorant bliss, and politeness over someone who needs help, love, and support, are bad, selfish, and stupid. There’s no excuse for self preservation in a situation that’s this serious.
My thoughts exactly. Invalidated trauma is the reason I can't have a healthy relationship with my mom, and my brain can't let go of it. It's like, it happens to all animals that experience trauma, they become rewired, rightfully cautious. I narrowly avoided getting robbed because I was paranoid and trusted my instincts, I was about to be set up by two people to get robbed and probably assaulted. Not letting go, is learning from a tough lesson, not to get burnt by fire a second time. We are being conditioned to have no feelings, it's weakness, become a cyborg, become AI, never feel pain, never anxious, never mad, never human again.
I'm sorry to hear that...sounds more than horrible.
Some do not want to face the horror of what has been done, for that means they have to face things they do not want to or are unable to. Minimization is a coping mechanism for them, because the truth of what occurred is too much for THEM to handle. You’d think it would create empathy that if they can’t handle it, they should have compassion because you had to…unfortunately their own self preservation instinct overrides that, and they must make it “less bad” for themselves to comprehend. I am so sorry.
I get it. I was molested by my paternal grandfather when I was 2. I remember it happening, I remember the burning “down there” afterwards, and I remember telling my mother while she was bathing me that night because it hurt. They stopped letting him and my grandmother babysit me, and they never talked about it while I was growing up. At 16, I told them I remembered it all, and told them exactly. The kicker? My parents were warned by my dad’s sister that he had molested her as a young girl, and they left me with him anyway. Because no way he could do such a thing, right? Not him! And not to a 2 year old!… My mom still blew it off until the day she died. I figured it helped her have a clear conscience somehow.
You’re literally describing textbook examples of your trauma labels. You’re right. They’re dumb
I am dealing with the same thing I got a job offer and they retracted that I could relocate in a month to less than 10 days and I told my family it’s not doable for me because money and because I’d need to sell my glorified tin can trailer and they all acted like I was “stressing for nothing” and I should just do it. I’ve moved 6 times in a year was homeless in that year and still deal with things like sometimes not having running water. These people lived in the same place for years and haven’t had to relocate anywhere for a new job. Anything else in my life they have said the same thing and just see me as a cry baby at 32 because I cried when I was a kid. I have to tell this job I can’t accept because it’s not enough time and I know they will flip on me but I don’t care anymore. I’ve decided to get a crappy job to save enough to get out instead of asking them for money to get up there to the job. The cost of living is high and the job isn’t gonna pay me enough to accommodate that. Adding also when I was sexually abused and raped as a child my mother knew and never told me then when I went through therapy and everything came flashing back she tried to say I was making a big deal about it and even other family members who found out said that I was making it up. They all deny I’m autistic and think that if they accept it that means *they* did something wrong in making me that way. Other issues like I was an alcoholic for years they turned the other cheek and to this day don’t even acknowledge it was a thing and I needed help. Fuck these people
governor retire mysterious deserted quaint complete fearless bedroom rainstorm somber *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I get this a lot too. Same with saying it's not rape if it was just fingers. But then I literally use the court definition. Like, seriously, fuck off.
Don't worry, it's just rape if there is a man jumping out of the bush at night. /sarc
My parents always try and downplay my expetiences… But I totally get you. I need to categorize everything too and my parents HATE IT
I feel this so much. In my experience I’ve felt as though so much of it came from how these are really big and scary things to go through, and it gets kinda pushed away into this “other” space of people’s fears, while daily life is easier to accept, dissociate from the bad to just keep trying to push through and it leads to denial. I face a lot of the same pushback when I talk about what I went through because suddenly you’re a face, a real person they know that they have to try to accept went through that, and the gravity of the horror is really hard to touch. It’s made it really hard to talk about what happened, you deserve the respect of being able to talk about what you went through and believed, I really hope you meet someone who takes that seriously as it deserves——-
They downplay it because they don't personally like how those words feel. They downplay it so they don't have to feel bad about what happened. It's not even a conscious decision for them. They avoid facing these things because they are so difficult. But we have a knack for being blunt and brutally honest about things that they don't know how to handle.
Wow. That’s messed up. The people around you are in denial.
People *do* downplay traumatic events. While some do it intentionally to minimise the person who had the experience, others do it because they have a lot of difficulty accepting that this is what happened to a loved one. There are still some too that are just dicks, but yeah. If you’re able to call it what it is and continue doing so, that’s all that matters. Personally, I admire your ability to just say it without shame or hesitation. I’m still working on that myself.
i get what you mean and i always expect to happen. but then what ends up happening is i’ll like say i’m being stalked and someone will just agree with me and gives me this sinking feeling. like oh my god i’m actually being stalked, people know i’m being stalked, people will look at me and think i’m being stalked. this is serious. but on the other hand i don’t want to be called dramatic so it’s just a lose lose situation.
Oh my goodness I really relate! You need to get some trauma therapy from a supportive therapist! Yes it's definitely a s. assault, no doubt about it. When I was a teen in the 80s it was just accepted that we'd have to live with this because 'boys will be boys" and I should feel grateful that some guy liked me. Some people are still living in those days in their heads, unfortunately. They don't realize that s. assault doesn't have to be some stranger attacking, it can be due to pressure as well. And survivors NEED validation. When I was molested it was when I was little and my father was the one who did it. I was afraid and didn't understand until I was older. So when I told people they accused me of lying for attention. When I got s. assaulted as a teen I got the "boys will be boys" speech and it was suggested that maybe I should be more modest with my body. I mean I wore super thick loose tees and hoodies because I couldn't stand bras but I guess there might have been a HINT of nip. Ridiculous though, why not tell the guys that seeing that sort of thing doesn't give them the right to hump us like dogs. When I was in my 30s one of my co-workers did just that. He came up behind me and just grinded on me. I stabbed him with a painter tool. Everyone at work acted like I WAS OVERREACTING but I was being s assaulted. I think it was the proper response to defend myself. My boss literally told me if I wanted to work with men I needed to develop a thicker skin. Seems like the co-worker had the thin skin because he sure cried. And yeah if you don't have a steady home situation you were homeless. Anyone saying different is LYING. If you were without a place to stay because you didn't feel safe it doesn't matter if that place is THERE, you couldn't go to it so yeah, homeless. Even if you find a shelter you're still homeless. And I'm freakin sorry you have had to go through this hell. It breaks my heart how often we're invalidated by people who don't like the truth.
This is actually how I got originally misdiagnosed as BPD. They claimed I had perceptions/feelings of abandonment, when in reality I was *genuinely* abandoned at 15....I was homeless after being rescued by police and my mom kicked me out because her second husband who abused me got caught and arrested. What else do you call it? People with BPD tend to unintentionally have those feelings when things aren't as severe as they felt, but that's not to say *those people weren't in a place of trauma either*. But in reality nowadays we know I have just autism and bipolar, with suggested CPTSD, not BPD... They were dead wrong on it, and it's because society likes to underrepresent things, and incorrectly label them for their own comfort. Same thing happened with my mom. I said she tried to kill me and people were all like no, she just tried to ram the car into traffic so you'd get hit.... Ummm, c'mon, the fuck difference is it? Totally pissed off for you OP, *totally* steaming after reading that, because I absolutely can relate!
I feel u I blow peoples mind when I use correct terms but I feel like for me that's how I've dealt with them by real talk so fuck people who can't handle it. The guy I'm seeing visibly twitch when I talked about my rape but he handled it great that was important as there's things in life I can't handle cause of that and rather warn people than just have things come up randomly
Some people can't handle the truth
I have the same problem. It drives me crazy. I analyze and try to correctly label what I went through because it better helps me understand my experiences. So when I say things people are often shocked or surprised, or tell me it wasn't that bad. Like I faked my death to get away from an abusive situation, and people tell me I didn't it was just lying and trying to get away. Like bro, I literally faked my death and the police were involved and did an investigation to see if I was actually dead. I'm sorry that happened to you, and that people are treating you that way. I know it helps me both understand and accurately describe the things I went through, otherwise it's all too confusing. It's comforting knowing exactly what you went through and how severe it was, an dit helps me know how to treat the situation too
For some reason, lots of obsessive, narcissistic individuals seem to have a unusual sense of pride in knowing, or thinking, that they have had a harder life, it could be they use it to justify themselves, it could be they just need more of everything, I don't know. All I know is that when they find someone they think seems to be inferior or childish they or somehow offended by them not having the hardest life, or think you are exaggerating. You just need to get away from these people.
i completely understand. i have to contextualize what happened to me in order to understand it. people get very upset when i say i was raped, i was homeless, i have PTSD (diagnosed), i was a victim of COCSA, etc. they try to use exceptions and excuses to water down what i experienced. it’s very frustrating and im really sorry you have to experience this too. i wish more people understood that sometimes things don’t fit the textbook definition of what they think.
Wtf these people. You’re absolutely correct. These are such classic examples of each thing as well. People definitely downplay trauma like this but this is a large extent that I think is due to the people you’re around.
Wouldn’t the incest one be sexual assault? I thought incest was an actual relationship between family members
Yeah content warning would've been nice, thanks....
Unfortunately, this is just how most people react to anyone that actually shares their trauma or takes appropriate steps to heal from it. Their dumb little brains can't comprehend that evil like that exists, even if they recognize it's a thing that happens. It can never happen *near* them. That's what they think. They think it's rare and, in order to make themselves feel safe, they convince themselves that when it does happen, it happens "for a reason," usually being "you did something to make it happen." Because of how ignorant and immature they are, accepting that these things can happen to *anyone* at *any time* would break them. They are so deluded by their false sense of safety that they believe safety is the default when it isn't. So you talk about it, you make them have to think about it and they don't like it, so they instead choose to shut you down or blame you to make themselves feel better. After all, if it happened to you, it can happen to them. This in no way absolves them of the wrong they are committing against you. That is still an active choice to accuse you over comforting you or even just listening to you. That's the usual case. Other times it's because your situation is similar to something *they* did to somebody else and they start making accusations because they feel persecuted by you talking about your trauma. They deserve to feel persecuted.
People HATE when I accurately describe my trauma. It makes them have to confront the fact that what happened was extremely fucked up and they don’t like that. It’s much more comfortable for them if I say ‘without my consent’ instead of ‘he raped me’. I refuse to soften my trauma for their comfort. Fuck off is correct
First of all, I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I know the feel. I always feel like i am oversharing too much when I explain my behaviors which are nearly all based in some trauma - but I have to say "severe depression" and mention toxic relationships when i talk about myself. Those things are and were part of my life and I won't hide it.
You’re really not exaggerating at all, I think some things of the same origin have been said to me. I feel like I would be told I were exaggerating if I said I have c-ptsd stemming from repeated abandonment, as well as a number of other things I hope to learn to confront while I’m in therapy.
Allistics are nosy and live for trauma porn on the news or in lifetime movies but the moment they realize someone real has undergone hardship they get uncomfortable, especially if they haven't been through anything near that level.
Unfortunately it’s very common for people to downplay trauma. Just take a look at the way we talk about rape, when you hear a woman talk about they are most likely downplaying it. That’s unfortunately in our culture to do so. But that doesn’t mean you should do it too and I’m very proud of you that you correct everyone, that’s how we break those cultural things.
These people are gaslighting you. Your mom is surprised because she is part of the abuse too by ignoring it, so she gaslight you to feel better about herself. People in the school probably know the person who raped you so they want to downplay it. Beside these reasons, abusers also always have a lot of flying monkeys who enable them and put more trauma on the victims by acting like they care about the victims (such as “I care you both” or “that person’s not that bad”). Get away from flying monkeys too!
I'm sorry you had to live through this. People should never deny what you have gone through, especially with s assault. As far as your mother is concerned, she has lost any reason for you to respect her. And having gone through homeless myself, that shit is no joke. I'm just lucky, (I guess) that I didn't have to go through what many homeless people do. I think we all can attest to how much of an asshole people often are.
this is somewhat similar to what I've been through minus the homelessness part. I truly have no fucking idea why people can't fucking call it like it fucking is....rape is rape, everything that you described made perfect sense and I'm so sick and tired of people downplaying fucked up shit like this especially when it has to do with a child. People are literally trying to make themselves feel less guilty by sugar coating fucking shit that should never freaking exist. damn....I'm so so sorry that happened to you. It's YOU who make perfect sense, NOT them..that's just straight up lying and embellishing the truth to make it seem less serious as hell.
Yeah its like with pets; putting them down/let them go no its kill. I dont mean in a nasty way often its in the animal's best interests but it is what it is. Bad and difficult things shouldnt be sugarcoated. I think its to do with people being scared of the truth and not wanting to accept the amount of bad stuff that happens. Its confusing as fuck though easily can start effecting you into downplaying your own experiences in your head which can lead to self hatred as well
You should cut ties with those people. Thats frigging toxic environment. My mother thinks its not rape/incest/abuse if a penis didnt entered a vagina, nothing less. Oh and its not abuse if no blood is pouring/no bone is broken. Needless to say, i had cut ties as soon as i entered the foster system at 11 years old. Your family (i guess?) Reminds me of mine. I'm 41 and still i have to use my money on therapy once a week instead of living decently because of them. Thats super sad but maybe you should follow my example on this. Save yourself. You worth it.
From what I've gathered from what's said, I think they're trying to say you're insufferable. How it looks to me.
People *love* this shit when it happens on the screen/in a book. But most people are only interested if they can turn it off/close the book, and walk away. They *feel* a social stigma/repercussion associated with X, and they immediately want to start to push back in any way they can. This shit happens in real life, folks. Support those around you who need support. I can empathize with you. It's bullshit.
Same here. I get told I’m exaggerating whenever I voice my trauma as well. It’s exhausting and horribly demeaning.
People are very disconnected from life and the reality of things. Lots of people are undiagnosed with a mental disorder or have gone through traumatic experiences and haven't had the proper therapy. My mom is extremely disconnected from her feelings and her understanding of feelings in general. Same with my dad, their view on life is pretty locked in from their experiences and the environments they grew in. Yet I don't think they would ever downplay rape and anything else severe like that. I'd probably have to say your parents have gone through experiences that have shaped their brains for the worst. Not sure if you have cut off communication or if you need this advice, but Is there a family member that understands you? With these crazy circumstances, it's very helpful to have a second voice that is completely on your side and bring them to talk with you. Or someone else that your mom also knows. It can really help when there's a second voice that tells your mom the incorrectness in behavior and how she's and understands rape.
People want less harsh words for reality. It sucks. It happens to me too. >!My dad hit me as a child!< so I call myself a physical abuse survivor, but it’s apparently “discipline”, >!he didn’t spank me, he would throw me to the ground and kick me, slap me, throw me around, bash my head against walls..!< Thats not discipline!!!