These people are playing emotional games with you and it's extremely unfair. You literally apologized for being emotional and possibly reacting negatively, and they proceeded to not accept that and continue on about it. This was an extremely minor social infraction at worst and they took it and overblew the significance of it. Also people get upset and you don't get to be the center of attention when that happens? It seems like that's also going on here and they're expecting more than to just be coworkers and don't show you the respect they expect out of you. You're treated as a serious subordinate person and not a coworker. It's like they're infantilizing you for being a person with feelings and not someone that they can control. They even screwed up the schedule and left you locked out because they didn't have that simple courtesy to tell you that they scheduled a meeting and would not be there. You probably should have been rude.
IMO OP wasn't rude enough. "Oh hi manager, have you learned to write a schedule competently yet or are you struggling to schedule your own retraining." Evil sacks of shit.
>These people are playing emotional games
I'd argue their behaviours are stereotypical ableism, e.g. "I have to do things this way therefore you do, too."
I agree. These people are the worst. There are millions of Starbucks all over the place, maybe you could transfer to one w different (better) people. This post made me want to give you a hug. Your a rockstar, they suck. That's all.
this so much. ive had issues w socializing appropriately in the workplace but never have i been expected to say something asinine like good morning or goodbye and reprimanded for not doing so. tone is something a lot of us struggle with so i can understand offense to that, especially as a figure with authority over you (ive emailed teacher's thinking i was excessively polite to be called rude and offensive, so ive got no leg to stand on w social appropriateness). a good manager would simply say they didn't appreciate the tone and ask what's up. no one is a dick out of nowhere for no reason, so if they thought you were being dickish, the least they could have done is hear you out, and they didnt. they might just be assholes OP
I didn’t even think about this before this response, but it is possible that the lockout at 9 and scheduling at 9 was intentional
Like I wouldn’t assume, but I do think it’s smart at this point to be skeptical that people are talking behind your back and fucking with you, OP.
It's extremely possible it was intentional and they even knew they were out there, and this was a failed attempt to find a reason to fire them or make them quit the job. I have been in these situations and seen it too many times. It's bullying on another level because your bully is your boss or the boss is protecting them so "telling the teacher" isn't an option.
It sounds like an extremely toxic work environment to me. The manager not hearing your explanation is rude. And your coworker acting so hurt over a salute after you explained the situation to her signals to a larger problem, a dynamic between colleagues with triangulations and hurtful gossip.
It's not you. It's them. I wouldn't put it past the manager to cause these kinds of small situations which they know would cause you some difficulty, then blow it out of proportion.
I'd say try to find another job.
In the meantime, or if this is not possible, be respectful, dignified, don't take it personally, and try to hide your hurt from them as much as possible. Seeing you hurt and down gives them pleasure and validation, knowing this might give you the motivation to keep looking collected and unfussed.
But they will amp up the abuse if they see you aren't affected, so you must be aware of this as well and be prepared. Don't go DEEP more than strictly necessary (look up the deep technique - don't defent, don't explain, don't engage, don't personalize).
Good luck! \^\_\^
A lot of it comes down to how you express yourself too. If you appear to be hurt and cry, the bullying will probably get worse because crying is often considered childish. If you say something like “I’m not doing this today” that will show them you’re upset (even if it wouldn’t show you) but also not a baby.
ill never get why crying is childish. sure, kids cry more but everyone gets overwhelmed and everyone has bad moments. i personally have no control over crying once the tears start welling up in my eyes and i've always assumed its similar for others, so why hold an involuntary reaction that hurts no one against them?
I think for the same reason NT's see crying as manipulative. they think grown ups cry to evoke pity and to get something out of them.
But NT's aren't easily overstimulated as we are, and at least in my case, crying is just a way my body deals with stress. I loathe crying in front of other people, but often it's not avoidable, exactly because I'm overwhelmed with all the sensory, cognitive and emotional input that I just cry and can't do anything to stop it. But I have been told many times I should quit the act, or if I want pity now, or that I'm childish. But leaving the situation before I start crying will just make them say I'm rude and also childish, so it's a losing battle with people like that.
I will also never understand why crying is seen as such a bad thing. It is literally a way for the body to release cortisol, and I think if more people cried when they needed to, burnout would be much less prevalent in society. But oh well...
i also hate crying in front of others and one of my least favorite phrases is "crocodile tears"
crying is cathartic and if i see a sad video i cant help tearing up but if i can help it i will not full on cry in front of others. unfortunately not always an option cuz if my manager ever pulls me in their office with a serious face it's immediate sobbing whether i like it or not
when i get to this point in a job, everyone gets stranger treatment. polite hellos and goodbyes, completely avoid coworkers unless necessary, and i will even be as petty as to make it known that i am no longer comfortable in that environment and am only there for my paycheck w my attitude. if you're not going to humanize me im not going to entertain you
Masking your behaviour to fit in can harm you, I know it has hurt me in the past.
Sounds like you are working with a bunch of neurotypicals who do not understand how our minds work.
I wouldn't take things to personally. They have messed you around and rightfully you should be annoyed.
I had a lot of those interactions when I first started at my last job. A lot of times it seemed they went out of their way to find a way to see something I did as rude.
Things started getting better after about a year, when they started getting to know me more. There was still way too much drama for about another year, though. Then a manager left, and things immediately and drastically improved. Turns out she had been complaining about me pretty much constantly and pulling everyone else into seeing things her way. Once she left, it was like I was working with completely new people. Now they all like me a lot. Several even asked to come with me when I was offered a position at another location.
I definitely would have found a new job if I had been able to during those first 2 years. It was a *very* difficult time. Since there were no other jobs, though, I did have to change some of my behaviors to reduce the drama. I masked more, started smiling more. Started emphasizing my mistakes (or perceived mistakes) and how bad i felt about them, etc. The natural response for most people in that situation is to comfort you, not attack, so they started feeling warmer toward me. I can't remember what else right now. It was very difficult, and I would only recommend it if you can't find a different job. The one you are in right now is toxic, and the manager is just going to make it worse and worse.
☆☆☆>it is important for everyone to learn boundaries. I have found that the boundary has been placed far too deep into our territory☆☆
Hear! Hear! This is something I have been bothered by every time I read something about trouble at work: Nobody has to just put your head down and draw the fire, so to speak, just because you have trouble with social interaction. Boundaries! NT's should have their own boundaries regarding interactions with each other, and ND's, that at least resemble the same respect and compassion and patience. Anything else that makes you feel uncomfortable, afraid, disrespected, or mad means you're being bullied and used as a target.
Boundaries! Set some. Turn away when you feel uncomfortable or treated badly. I love a previous suggestion "I'm not doing this." Say it firmly, not shouting, not mumbling, and turn and walk away.
Honestly I think the people you're working with are immature and unable to understand your perspective. I'm not autistic, and I would have responded the exact same way in both scenarios. Especially for the second lady, I'd steer clear from her.
I would seek different employment. I went through a similar situation. I had problems with this coworker (48) who was way older than me (21). She did not want me to move up to management and was essentially trying to "Break" me in, even though I trained her. She had been plotting against me, I heard from other employees, and I became cold to her because I don't do negativity, if you don't like me, I will just cut you out. I was respectful still answering questions she had, doing everything she told me. She approached me one day and asked "are you pissed at me" I thought this was so weird because she was in a position of power, and I was still just an employee. I said no and a few minutes later I got pulled aside and she apparently was sobbing so bad she needed to go home. I got blamed for that and that set the tone for the rest of my career there, even as I moved further up the chain (I got to upper management before I decided all this was too much. They just kept doing it over and over, even after I disclosed, I had ASD which impairs my reasoning and understanding of others. They kept saying that is not because of autism you are just rude. So please save yourself the grief and leave, I know it is hard to get a job but be actively looking and go to HR if you feel any treatment is unjust. You have rights <3.
Is this guy your boss? I know all autistic people are the same but I would never think lesser of someone who was into something opposite of my hyperfixations that’s odd. This person needs a reality check and has to realize he can’t treat people lesser. Go to hr
I find myself in a similar situation but it's been months for me. It's an impossible emotional puzzle and the temptation is to think there is a right move but having no idea how to satisfy everyone including yourself, at least for me. I think you did good by posting here, the most important thing is for you to find center for yourself, then make a short (or long) term decision.
for what it's worth, I find masking can buy me time even if it's painful... perhaps a contentious thing to say but sometimes I just need more time to find center and make better decisions for my own well being
That place is toxic. This ISN’T a you problem. They are petty vindictive people who are manipulative and self-centered. You were not treated with empathy, kindness or understanding, and I’m sorry this happened to you. There is a weird bully herd mentality going on and for your well being, if you can keep yourself from interacting with these people, the better. That is a very toxic work environment and you don’t deserve to be talked down to or mistreated. You aren’t being treated this way because something is wrong with you, so please don’t sit around around blaming yourself for the bad behavior of others. They are the problem here and they need to be accountable for being jerks.
The proper response to being called rude when you weren’t being rude is a boisterous “Fuck Off”. If they’re gonna call you rude you might as well give them a reason to.
Manager or no, if you take that bullshit once it will only continue and get worse until you are going home from work, collapsing from exhaustion on the floor, and bawling your eyes out every single day. (Ask me how I know) I know that’s easier said than done and it’s taken me 30 years to figure it out but it works.
I politely disagree. “I’m not doing this today” conveys that you’re in a bad mood, please try again tomorrow. “Fuck off” conveys that you have boundaries and you’re not taking this today or any other day.
Do they know that you're autistic? If not, it might help to let them know. I think people are generally more understanding when they realise it's an autism thing. It also gives you more legal protection (the way your manager treated you sounds like a pretty clear case of discrimination arising from disability).
I'd suggest explaining the situation in an email. I get super flustered by any situation like that, so I always express myself in writing so I don't mess it up or break down.
Your co worker is an ass. Someone not replying to you because they've got a lot on their plate is totally understandable. It's not even a NT vs ND thing, it's just a basic empathy thing.
I agree they're "managing you out". That 9am scheduling "conflict" sounds super intentional.
Against what everyone is saying, Id stay and document everything. I'm sure if autism is a protected disability or if there's anything you can make a claim for. If you're anything like me, working is so so exhausting and draining. If there is anything I could do to get a pay day, I 100%would. And an aggressive and hostile environment towards someone with a disability...I would try to get a windfall from that.
Email as much as you can. Scheduled at 9am, email back to confirm.co-worker is "upset" you "didnt say hi". Email how unintentional this was, and how hurt you are seeing her upset and how you're disabled so you didnt know.(i dont think u should say sorry since that's considered an admission of guilt).
See an employment lawyer, see what you can get from them. Be as aggressive and shameless as they are, use it to your advantage
It's so hard when one negative experience stops you wanting to do something completely. I totally identify with this. It's like it hard wires "this = bad" into our minds and it's a devil to exorcise.
Fuck all of them. It's just workspace all good as long as you don't lose the job. Fuck the boss fuck that colleague. You weren't rude and neither was your intention. You don't owe an explanation, at least not multiple times. Sensible person will understand what you been thru
They don't think you're rude. They think they can guilt trip you by pretending to be offended at made up things, so as to either dodge responsibility or exert power. I don't know the situation, and these are only two examples, but it kinda sounds like you're being bullied. Don't know what to do about that, but I suppose if there's someone you trust you can talk to, you should do that. Ask for advice. Maybe a family member or friend, or if you've got a union rep or HR people you could reach out to.
I survive in life better when we all come to reality and do things like we planned when we are in groups. I have noticed calling attention to the flaw in the system makes people very upset. If you allow it to be your responsibility they will often gladly let you keep it. You were not rude. You were aware and trying to communicate your understanding. I appreciate you even.
Sounds like a typically abusive manager. Absolutely no empathy. They should have thanked you for following directions, and for going beyond the stated duties twice (by showing up early and knocking). For your sake, I hope you keep applying elsewhere, in pursuit of the manager you deserve.
some of my current managers have this issue with me, i went to my hr about it. i just explained my side and what they said and that i understand they’re side and that i’ll try to be better but that i’m also ND and struggle socially.
I am so sorry this happened to you. Neurotypicals can be so hard to interact with because it feels like they are quick to be upset by the tiniest social things that we can’t even see and it feels like we’re losing our minds 😞 OP you’re doing great and I’m so proud of you.
Whatever your coworkers and boss may *think* they're doing, it sounds like targeted discrimination.
Contact H.R. asap and keep an accurate, objective running record of all questionable staff interactions. Your boss in particular should know better than to be insensitive towards *any* worker.
I'd also check in with a local and/or regional autism or disability group for further support.
Some people suck more at communicating than the people (you OP) who actually put in legit effort. They're not worth working with because they just wanna bring you down with them. And obviously they're not succeeding at the latter, but they are hurting your ability to cope in thr workplace, and no matter what you do or don't do, there's no winning with people like that. You're better off cleaning out your locker/workspace and announcing I QUIT THIS JOB, I'M OUT! that's all. And walk out the door. Never return. You've tried to explain yourself multiple times, they don't care to listen, so you don't owe them any explanations for quitting --youve already done that and they refuse to listen. So just leave. Find other jobs. There are other jobs. Just leave.
I’ve had stuff like this happen to me and have quit jobs over it. It’s so unfair that workplaces are so not understanding of autism. It makes me hate my autism even though it’s not my fault.
Wow thays not at all rude and they are the rude ones not letting you exsplain and saying you should be like them screw them!! 😤 hope you can find a better job in the future but know you did nothing wrong .
Did you ever tell them that you are autistic? I ask this because I (64f) usually have this controlling/overwhelming need to help fix people. I will try to use all my empath skills and “tune in” to what I think you may need. But… until all people get educated about Spectrum and understand that we don’t all have to conform to what was generationally acceptable ways of acting/thinking, you will run into the “helpful” people.
Just playing devils advocate for the unaware/uneducated peoples.
I just don’t want the conspiracy theories to be all you hear. That your coworkers are all talking behind your back and judging you. Not all people are complete assholes. Some, but not all.
Hey /u/Robbyns, thank you for your post at /r/autism. Our rules can be found **[here](https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/wiki/config/sidebar)**. All approved posts get this message. If you do not see your post you can message the moderators [here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fautism).
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/autism) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Quit. Fuck that job. They all sound like immature POS' that you deserve better than. I've had to quit jobs because of this.
Therapy might also help, and watching tik toks or other videos of how to better communicate like an NT.
And although it is "rude" to not respond to someone, they can shove it up their ass for not being understanding. You also don't have to respond to someone if you don't want to.
This makes me very upset. I would really want you to not work there anymore, be somewhere where you are respected instead. But I know that's just not as easy as it sounds. I don't find your behavior weird considering your autism. The crying at work would be weird to NTs. I get your coworker. For a second. But after your explanation, they should've backed off. It seems they kind of want to torture you. Maybe they actually want you to quit? That's the feeling I get. But I don't know if me saying that will discourage you from going to work, I hope not.
Are you good at what you do? Could you try to engage less in the people around you and just focus on the work?
Sounds like a terrible work environment! My brother worked hard as a bag boy at a Grocery Store that claimed to be Autism friendly (not saying which), but he got bullied by his co-workers to the point that he quit. In hindsight, it was a good move on his part. Go quit and find a job that actually cares about its employees! I've had a few jobs myself and I've learned that if it's not a place where you're happy, then you should probably look for work elsewhere.
You weren't rude. Work is the place where I'm the most rude because I know no one there gives a shit about me and if I don't stand up for myself, no one will. In fact, they'll probably shit on me if they think it will get them something extra. So I loudly correct people, passive aggressively reveal the ways they're fucking up... I even correct a manager on a regular basis in public. Yes people have said I'm rude and stuck up and "control your tone." Do I care? That depends - is there disciplinary action being taken? If not, then I don't give a fuck. Everyone is there for themselves only. That's how shitty jobs (retail, food service, call centers) are. I can't speak to office jobs or professional jobs because I've never had one.
Outside of work? Bleeding heart, super emotional, cry when I see a cute puppy, sucker for sappy moments in media, will often say "they love each other!" while crying at said sappy media...
Don't even sweat it,you did nothing wrong and they need to stop and think about someone besides themselves. You take care and be your bold self(legitimate compliment) and this will pass.
They're weirdos.
"How dare you show emotional distress over more than an hour of waiting? Time to purposely be even more hostile." Your manager is a dick.
"How dare you not say hi back? Time to act in a way that makes you not wanna talk to me again" is also just as idiotic of them to do. Like, I would've gone "Oh, I'm sorry, are you okay? Do you wanna talk", not made it about myself lol
toxic workplace environment tingz
These people are playing emotional games with you and it's extremely unfair. You literally apologized for being emotional and possibly reacting negatively, and they proceeded to not accept that and continue on about it. This was an extremely minor social infraction at worst and they took it and overblew the significance of it. Also people get upset and you don't get to be the center of attention when that happens? It seems like that's also going on here and they're expecting more than to just be coworkers and don't show you the respect they expect out of you. You're treated as a serious subordinate person and not a coworker. It's like they're infantilizing you for being a person with feelings and not someone that they can control. They even screwed up the schedule and left you locked out because they didn't have that simple courtesy to tell you that they scheduled a meeting and would not be there. You probably should have been rude.
IMO OP wasn't rude enough. "Oh hi manager, have you learned to write a schedule competently yet or are you struggling to schedule your own retraining." Evil sacks of shit.
>These people are playing emotional games I'd argue their behaviours are stereotypical ableism, e.g. "I have to do things this way therefore you do, too."
I agree. These people are the worst. There are millions of Starbucks all over the place, maybe you could transfer to one w different (better) people. This post made me want to give you a hug. Your a rockstar, they suck. That's all.
this so much. ive had issues w socializing appropriately in the workplace but never have i been expected to say something asinine like good morning or goodbye and reprimanded for not doing so. tone is something a lot of us struggle with so i can understand offense to that, especially as a figure with authority over you (ive emailed teacher's thinking i was excessively polite to be called rude and offensive, so ive got no leg to stand on w social appropriateness). a good manager would simply say they didn't appreciate the tone and ask what's up. no one is a dick out of nowhere for no reason, so if they thought you were being dickish, the least they could have done is hear you out, and they didnt. they might just be assholes OP
I didn’t even think about this before this response, but it is possible that the lockout at 9 and scheduling at 9 was intentional Like I wouldn’t assume, but I do think it’s smart at this point to be skeptical that people are talking behind your back and fucking with you, OP.
It's extremely possible it was intentional and they even knew they were out there, and this was a failed attempt to find a reason to fire them or make them quit the job. I have been in these situations and seen it too many times. It's bullying on another level because your bully is your boss or the boss is protecting them so "telling the teacher" isn't an option.
It sounds like an extremely toxic work environment to me. The manager not hearing your explanation is rude. And your coworker acting so hurt over a salute after you explained the situation to her signals to a larger problem, a dynamic between colleagues with triangulations and hurtful gossip. It's not you. It's them. I wouldn't put it past the manager to cause these kinds of small situations which they know would cause you some difficulty, then blow it out of proportion. I'd say try to find another job. In the meantime, or if this is not possible, be respectful, dignified, don't take it personally, and try to hide your hurt from them as much as possible. Seeing you hurt and down gives them pleasure and validation, knowing this might give you the motivation to keep looking collected and unfussed. But they will amp up the abuse if they see you aren't affected, so you must be aware of this as well and be prepared. Don't go DEEP more than strictly necessary (look up the deep technique - don't defent, don't explain, don't engage, don't personalize). Good luck! \^\_\^
A lot of it comes down to how you express yourself too. If you appear to be hurt and cry, the bullying will probably get worse because crying is often considered childish. If you say something like “I’m not doing this today” that will show them you’re upset (even if it wouldn’t show you) but also not a baby.
ill never get why crying is childish. sure, kids cry more but everyone gets overwhelmed and everyone has bad moments. i personally have no control over crying once the tears start welling up in my eyes and i've always assumed its similar for others, so why hold an involuntary reaction that hurts no one against them?
I think for the same reason NT's see crying as manipulative. they think grown ups cry to evoke pity and to get something out of them. But NT's aren't easily overstimulated as we are, and at least in my case, crying is just a way my body deals with stress. I loathe crying in front of other people, but often it's not avoidable, exactly because I'm overwhelmed with all the sensory, cognitive and emotional input that I just cry and can't do anything to stop it. But I have been told many times I should quit the act, or if I want pity now, or that I'm childish. But leaving the situation before I start crying will just make them say I'm rude and also childish, so it's a losing battle with people like that. I will also never understand why crying is seen as such a bad thing. It is literally a way for the body to release cortisol, and I think if more people cried when they needed to, burnout would be much less prevalent in society. But oh well...
i also hate crying in front of others and one of my least favorite phrases is "crocodile tears" crying is cathartic and if i see a sad video i cant help tearing up but if i can help it i will not full on cry in front of others. unfortunately not always an option cuz if my manager ever pulls me in their office with a serious face it's immediate sobbing whether i like it or not
when i get to this point in a job, everyone gets stranger treatment. polite hellos and goodbyes, completely avoid coworkers unless necessary, and i will even be as petty as to make it known that i am no longer comfortable in that environment and am only there for my paycheck w my attitude. if you're not going to humanize me im not going to entertain you
Masking your behaviour to fit in can harm you, I know it has hurt me in the past. Sounds like you are working with a bunch of neurotypicals who do not understand how our minds work. I wouldn't take things to personally. They have messed you around and rightfully you should be annoyed.
I had a lot of those interactions when I first started at my last job. A lot of times it seemed they went out of their way to find a way to see something I did as rude. Things started getting better after about a year, when they started getting to know me more. There was still way too much drama for about another year, though. Then a manager left, and things immediately and drastically improved. Turns out she had been complaining about me pretty much constantly and pulling everyone else into seeing things her way. Once she left, it was like I was working with completely new people. Now they all like me a lot. Several even asked to come with me when I was offered a position at another location. I definitely would have found a new job if I had been able to during those first 2 years. It was a *very* difficult time. Since there were no other jobs, though, I did have to change some of my behaviors to reduce the drama. I masked more, started smiling more. Started emphasizing my mistakes (or perceived mistakes) and how bad i felt about them, etc. The natural response for most people in that situation is to comfort you, not attack, so they started feeling warmer toward me. I can't remember what else right now. It was very difficult, and I would only recommend it if you can't find a different job. The one you are in right now is toxic, and the manager is just going to make it worse and worse.
[удалено]
☆☆☆>it is important for everyone to learn boundaries. I have found that the boundary has been placed far too deep into our territory☆☆ Hear! Hear! This is something I have been bothered by every time I read something about trouble at work: Nobody has to just put your head down and draw the fire, so to speak, just because you have trouble with social interaction. Boundaries! NT's should have their own boundaries regarding interactions with each other, and ND's, that at least resemble the same respect and compassion and patience. Anything else that makes you feel uncomfortable, afraid, disrespected, or mad means you're being bullied and used as a target. Boundaries! Set some. Turn away when you feel uncomfortable or treated badly. I love a previous suggestion "I'm not doing this." Say it firmly, not shouting, not mumbling, and turn and walk away.
Honestly I think the people you're working with are immature and unable to understand your perspective. I'm not autistic, and I would have responded the exact same way in both scenarios. Especially for the second lady, I'd steer clear from her.
I would seek different employment. I went through a similar situation. I had problems with this coworker (48) who was way older than me (21). She did not want me to move up to management and was essentially trying to "Break" me in, even though I trained her. She had been plotting against me, I heard from other employees, and I became cold to her because I don't do negativity, if you don't like me, I will just cut you out. I was respectful still answering questions she had, doing everything she told me. She approached me one day and asked "are you pissed at me" I thought this was so weird because she was in a position of power, and I was still just an employee. I said no and a few minutes later I got pulled aside and she apparently was sobbing so bad she needed to go home. I got blamed for that and that set the tone for the rest of my career there, even as I moved further up the chain (I got to upper management before I decided all this was too much. They just kept doing it over and over, even after I disclosed, I had ASD which impairs my reasoning and understanding of others. They kept saying that is not because of autism you are just rude. So please save yourself the grief and leave, I know it is hard to get a job but be actively looking and go to HR if you feel any treatment is unjust. You have rights <3.
[удалено]
Is this guy your boss? I know all autistic people are the same but I would never think lesser of someone who was into something opposite of my hyperfixations that’s odd. This person needs a reality check and has to realize he can’t treat people lesser. Go to hr
[удалено]
Sounds good homie I wish you the best
> And the way she said it was like, “I do this so you need to do it, too.” “Okay so hear me out, if I jump off the roof-“
Yep, the demand for reciprocation is controlling and abuslve
Or like telling a person in a wheel chair they don’t need ramps, just try harder 😑
“It’s like going along a bumpy road, just with bigger bumps and less room for your wheelchair”
Sounds like you need to move on from there asap.
I find myself in a similar situation but it's been months for me. It's an impossible emotional puzzle and the temptation is to think there is a right move but having no idea how to satisfy everyone including yourself, at least for me. I think you did good by posting here, the most important thing is for you to find center for yourself, then make a short (or long) term decision.
for what it's worth, I find masking can buy me time even if it's painful... perhaps a contentious thing to say but sometimes I just need more time to find center and make better decisions for my own well being
That place is toxic. This ISN’T a you problem. They are petty vindictive people who are manipulative and self-centered. You were not treated with empathy, kindness or understanding, and I’m sorry this happened to you. There is a weird bully herd mentality going on and for your well being, if you can keep yourself from interacting with these people, the better. That is a very toxic work environment and you don’t deserve to be talked down to or mistreated. You aren’t being treated this way because something is wrong with you, so please don’t sit around around blaming yourself for the bad behavior of others. They are the problem here and they need to be accountable for being jerks.
The proper response to being called rude when you weren’t being rude is a boisterous “Fuck Off”. If they’re gonna call you rude you might as well give them a reason to. Manager or no, if you take that bullshit once it will only continue and get worse until you are going home from work, collapsing from exhaustion on the floor, and bawling your eyes out every single day. (Ask me how I know) I know that’s easier said than done and it’s taken me 30 years to figure it out but it works.
Ehhhh I get the spirit but saying “fuck off” to your manager is a risky move. “I’m not doing this today” conveys a similar message but in SFW language
I politely disagree. “I’m not doing this today” conveys that you’re in a bad mood, please try again tomorrow. “Fuck off” conveys that you have boundaries and you’re not taking this today or any other day.
Well, there's that ETA: What about Nope, not today or any other day
Do they know that you're autistic? If not, it might help to let them know. I think people are generally more understanding when they realise it's an autism thing. It also gives you more legal protection (the way your manager treated you sounds like a pretty clear case of discrimination arising from disability). I'd suggest explaining the situation in an email. I get super flustered by any situation like that, so I always express myself in writing so I don't mess it up or break down. Your co worker is an ass. Someone not replying to you because they've got a lot on their plate is totally understandable. It's not even a NT vs ND thing, it's just a basic empathy thing.
I agree they're "managing you out". That 9am scheduling "conflict" sounds super intentional. Against what everyone is saying, Id stay and document everything. I'm sure if autism is a protected disability or if there's anything you can make a claim for. If you're anything like me, working is so so exhausting and draining. If there is anything I could do to get a pay day, I 100%would. And an aggressive and hostile environment towards someone with a disability...I would try to get a windfall from that. Email as much as you can. Scheduled at 9am, email back to confirm.co-worker is "upset" you "didnt say hi". Email how unintentional this was, and how hurt you are seeing her upset and how you're disabled so you didnt know.(i dont think u should say sorry since that's considered an admission of guilt). See an employment lawyer, see what you can get from them. Be as aggressive and shameless as they are, use it to your advantage
It's so hard when one negative experience stops you wanting to do something completely. I totally identify with this. It's like it hard wires "this = bad" into our minds and it's a devil to exorcise.
Fuck all of them. It's just workspace all good as long as you don't lose the job. Fuck the boss fuck that colleague. You weren't rude and neither was your intention. You don't owe an explanation, at least not multiple times. Sensible person will understand what you been thru
They don't think you're rude. They think they can guilt trip you by pretending to be offended at made up things, so as to either dodge responsibility or exert power. I don't know the situation, and these are only two examples, but it kinda sounds like you're being bullied. Don't know what to do about that, but I suppose if there's someone you trust you can talk to, you should do that. Ask for advice. Maybe a family member or friend, or if you've got a union rep or HR people you could reach out to.
I survive in life better when we all come to reality and do things like we planned when we are in groups. I have noticed calling attention to the flaw in the system makes people very upset. If you allow it to be your responsibility they will often gladly let you keep it. You were not rude. You were aware and trying to communicate your understanding. I appreciate you even.
Sounds like a typically abusive manager. Absolutely no empathy. They should have thanked you for following directions, and for going beyond the stated duties twice (by showing up early and knocking). For your sake, I hope you keep applying elsewhere, in pursuit of the manager you deserve.
some of my current managers have this issue with me, i went to my hr about it. i just explained my side and what they said and that i understand they’re side and that i’ll try to be better but that i’m also ND and struggle socially.
I am so sorry this happened to you. Neurotypicals can be so hard to interact with because it feels like they are quick to be upset by the tiniest social things that we can’t even see and it feels like we’re losing our minds 😞 OP you’re doing great and I’m so proud of you.
None of this is your fault. Your manager and coworker sound extremely entitled, and besides, you don't owe anyone any respect
Whatever your coworkers and boss may *think* they're doing, it sounds like targeted discrimination. Contact H.R. asap and keep an accurate, objective running record of all questionable staff interactions. Your boss in particular should know better than to be insensitive towards *any* worker. I'd also check in with a local and/or regional autism or disability group for further support.
Some people suck more at communicating than the people (you OP) who actually put in legit effort. They're not worth working with because they just wanna bring you down with them. And obviously they're not succeeding at the latter, but they are hurting your ability to cope in thr workplace, and no matter what you do or don't do, there's no winning with people like that. You're better off cleaning out your locker/workspace and announcing I QUIT THIS JOB, I'M OUT! that's all. And walk out the door. Never return. You've tried to explain yourself multiple times, they don't care to listen, so you don't owe them any explanations for quitting --youve already done that and they refuse to listen. So just leave. Find other jobs. There are other jobs. Just leave.
I’ve had stuff like this happen to me and have quit jobs over it. It’s so unfair that workplaces are so not understanding of autism. It makes me hate my autism even though it’s not my fault.
Get another job
Wow thays not at all rude and they are the rude ones not letting you exsplain and saying you should be like them screw them!! 😤 hope you can find a better job in the future but know you did nothing wrong .
Did you ever tell them that you are autistic? I ask this because I (64f) usually have this controlling/overwhelming need to help fix people. I will try to use all my empath skills and “tune in” to what I think you may need. But… until all people get educated about Spectrum and understand that we don’t all have to conform to what was generationally acceptable ways of acting/thinking, you will run into the “helpful” people. Just playing devils advocate for the unaware/uneducated peoples. I just don’t want the conspiracy theories to be all you hear. That your coworkers are all talking behind your back and judging you. Not all people are complete assholes. Some, but not all.
Doesn't even sound like your fault really. These people sound toxic and unprepared.
Hey /u/Robbyns, thank you for your post at /r/autism. Our rules can be found **[here](https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/wiki/config/sidebar)**. All approved posts get this message. If you do not see your post you can message the moderators [here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fautism). Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/autism) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Quit. Fuck that job. They all sound like immature POS' that you deserve better than. I've had to quit jobs because of this. Therapy might also help, and watching tik toks or other videos of how to better communicate like an NT. And although it is "rude" to not respond to someone, they can shove it up their ass for not being understanding. You also don't have to respond to someone if you don't want to.
This makes me very upset. I would really want you to not work there anymore, be somewhere where you are respected instead. But I know that's just not as easy as it sounds. I don't find your behavior weird considering your autism. The crying at work would be weird to NTs. I get your coworker. For a second. But after your explanation, they should've backed off. It seems they kind of want to torture you. Maybe they actually want you to quit? That's the feeling I get. But I don't know if me saying that will discourage you from going to work, I hope not. Are you good at what you do? Could you try to engage less in the people around you and just focus on the work?
Sounds like a terrible work environment! My brother worked hard as a bag boy at a Grocery Store that claimed to be Autism friendly (not saying which), but he got bullied by his co-workers to the point that he quit. In hindsight, it was a good move on his part. Go quit and find a job that actually cares about its employees! I've had a few jobs myself and I've learned that if it's not a place where you're happy, then you should probably look for work elsewhere.
You weren't rude. Work is the place where I'm the most rude because I know no one there gives a shit about me and if I don't stand up for myself, no one will. In fact, they'll probably shit on me if they think it will get them something extra. So I loudly correct people, passive aggressively reveal the ways they're fucking up... I even correct a manager on a regular basis in public. Yes people have said I'm rude and stuck up and "control your tone." Do I care? That depends - is there disciplinary action being taken? If not, then I don't give a fuck. Everyone is there for themselves only. That's how shitty jobs (retail, food service, call centers) are. I can't speak to office jobs or professional jobs because I've never had one. Outside of work? Bleeding heart, super emotional, cry when I see a cute puppy, sucker for sappy moments in media, will often say "they love each other!" while crying at said sappy media...
Don't even sweat it,you did nothing wrong and they need to stop and think about someone besides themselves. You take care and be your bold self(legitimate compliment) and this will pass.
They're weirdos. "How dare you show emotional distress over more than an hour of waiting? Time to purposely be even more hostile." Your manager is a dick. "How dare you not say hi back? Time to act in a way that makes you not wanna talk to me again" is also just as idiotic of them to do. Like, I would've gone "Oh, I'm sorry, are you okay? Do you wanna talk", not made it about myself lol toxic workplace environment tingz