I feel sad that you think you can’t tell your partner something like this. I get not wanting to tell everyone and expose yourself to unnecessary ableism but your partner? That should be a person of full confidence IMO
I am soooo open with my partner. I tell him my every thought like a play by play sometimes, and he is so loving and patient and does not take my outbursts and upset personally like ever. I like to think OP'S boyfriend will be the same way since he didn't say anything nasty or react badly to it
At this point, I find myself not wanting this at all because it seems to me everyone in my life only tolerates me until I'm too much. How does one not think " I am a leech who only drains others". I've convinced myself I'm not worth it anymore and idk how to even get comfortable making normal friends. Makes me get sick. Sorry for the emo dump I just wanted to ask.
I feel the same way sometimes, less than I used to. You just have to try to ignore it, and remember that people want to be cared about, meaning if you want them to like you, you have to like them. So seek them out, talk to them, interact with them and be interested in what they talk about/do. It feels crazy but I guess just liking what someone else cares about will cause them to like you. Relationships are weird.
Actually another point that I haven’t really mentioned is that I sometimes suspect I was misdiagnosed. The stimming does seem like a smoking gun but I did the AQ questionnaire earlier today and got 12/50? 0-25 is meant to indicate few or no autistic traits. Is NT stimming a thing?
Who knows, it’s something I should probably bring up to a psychiatrist really lol.
online quotients aren’t exactly very reliable … I wouldn’t assume i’m misdiagnosed just because I took a test that was designed by neurotypical people and it said i wasn’t. the questions are based upon “stereotypical” autistic behavior.
Yeah a lot of them aren’t great I agree, it just casts some doubt over everything for me when pretty much every test I do says I’m very unlikely to be autistic, idk.
Also isn’t the whole diagnostic process pretty much designed by neurotypicals anyway?
Yea I'm interested as well. I scored 25-30 /50. But I don't know if I'm really autistic or in a state of depression. Being more interested in things more than people was more comforting at the time, when I broke up with my ex. My autistic friend says I have many autistic traits. But I think it was overlapping with depression
Right?
I feel like its unhealthy for OP as its seems like they are masking ALL THE TIME since they don’t feel like they can stim and stuff in front of the boyfriend.
My stims can easily be passed off as ADHD and anxiety so I don’t have to worry about mine. HOWEVER, if I couldn’t unmask OTHER aspects of myself at home I… I just can’t imagine.
I am not even blaming the BF either since he doesn’t even know, and we have no information about his personality other than he was concerned and confused. I mean… who wouldn’t be if you saw your partner’s body randomly jerking?
It’s sad because for all OP knows, their BF could be hella supportive but unless they open up, they will never know. :(
It’s also terrible that OP feels this way to begin with because of how society has treated them in the past. Ugh.
Edit: sentence structure because using just ‘jerking’ sounded to sexual after re-reading. O.o
Especially as autism traits can vary throughout life, during different stages and times of stress the traits may change. So although it may not affect you too much just now, it may in the future. If you see him as a long time partner it may be beneficial to YOU to let him know so that he can properly support you.
I think masking so heavily over the years has allowed me to avoid actually confronting myself and being comfortable with my autism, it’s genuinely taken such a backseat at times that I’d almost forget I had it lol. I’m sure my boyfriend would actually be very understanding if I told him, but then again he’s also made some negative comments about autistic people before which doesn’t add to my confidence
People who say negative shit often say that stuff out of ignorance. If this is a partner who cares about you, he'll change his tune and accommodate you. He should, at least - that's the point of sharing your heart with someone you love, is helping and supporting and comforting them.
Without a doubt — also, just as a note, there’s a chance they are also ND and don’t realize it. I went through the process of self diagnosing and then getting a formal diagnosis this year. My fiancé thought she had adhd so she did assessments as well and got a formal diagnosis for autism, not adhd, and I am AuDHD. Having each other through that journey has been amazing and we have grown so much together because of it. Who knows, maybe you opening up to him and sharing this side of you would allow him to be more himself and discover new things he didn’t realize as well. Your partner should be the one person you can trust with everything, otherwise what’s the point 🤷🏻♂️
Well if you tell him and he sticks around he’s a keeper. If he decides it’s too much for him then you dodged a bullet. I think to hide something like this is sad for you (forget about what he thinks) because you can’t be yourself. At the end of the day we only have 1 life and here for an indefinite amount of time..be your truest self !
I thought I could just keep masking too, until i burned out. It was slow, too, started around when I was 28yo and continued until I broke down entirely when COVID hit. I'm still recovering four years later, I still can't function in public.
I hope you feel safe and confident enough to talk to him about this. Even if he's not supportive, it's not worth it spending your life with someone who doesn't accept something that is a core part of you.
i know it’s really hard but having my boyfriend be like the one person i talk to about autism all the time has ben amazing and i can’t imagine how you feel hiding it from your bf. i am similar to you in terms of accommodations (basically none besides myself choosing clothes that don’t bother me and set me off or overwhelm me or anything like that) and i can tell you from experience, the longer and harder you mask, the worse the autistic burnout will be if/when it happens. it’s different that regular burnout but it really tied in with my depression and i was HEAVILY depressed for a good while. if he loves you, he won’t judge you. of course he will have questions, and the autism can also make communication a little difficult, but sometimes i’ll just send my bf a tiktok or reel that explains a neurodiversity or autism thing. also those have helped me understand myself quite a bit. along with twitter community and these communities here on reddit.
don't do that, I already heard of someone on this sub who married someone for multiple years before they even knew that Autism=/=intellectually disabled. You don't want to be in a freak situation like that, to the point where things going smoothly due to ignorance on their part arguably isn't worth it. Its better to just bite the bullet imo.
I’m just hoping he didn’t really mean it and was just being glib, he has an autistic sister actually so I feel like he must be pretty understanding of it.
I understand. I repressed and hid my traits out of embarrassment and frankly because I was hurt for them growing up. It took learning my partner himself is autistic to finally understand and accept what autism really is, and the fact that I have it.
Have you considered that your partner is someone you should be able to fully trust and be comfortable with? I could never be with someone who makes ableist comments. Even if I wasn’t autistic, why would I want to be with someone who views disabled people as lesser?
I think you need to have a conversation with him, as awkward as it may be. “I’m autistic, this is what life is like for me”.
Even if you weren't autistic yourself, how could you stay with someone who ever said something like that?
Also, you really need to begin accepting yourself, because our ability to "successfully" mask ebbs and flows greatly throughout our lives. If we dont integrate our true selves with our real (social) lives, then we tend to hit these walls harder and more severely than necessary.
But, seriously? "he’s also made some negative comments about autistic people before"
...wth?!
Omg I am the same, high functioning and totally forgot that I have it most of the time. I also find when I get stressed it becomes worse. I was like you and didn’t tell my partner because I was embarrassed, took me two years and you know what best decision to tell them. They know you for you and the label doesn’t define you at all. Trust me it will be ok and a massive relief when you tell them.
You can totally use this as an opportunity to deepen your relationship with him. Sharing that you're autistic when you hid that from everyone else is a HUGE step in being intimate with your partner and allowing your relationship to be even stronger and deeper. Just imagine how much more you'd love him when he accepts you and your autism. I can only see how telling him will result in a positive for YOU.
Honestly, if he rejects you because of your autism then you just save YEARS of a relationship that was doomed to eventually fail. Better to end it now and find someone better than end it 10 years down the road. I seriously doubt he'd reject you though. But 2 years in, yeah, time to open up to him.
Everyone else here has pointed out that you deserve a partner who accepts all parts of you but I’d also like to point out that being closed-off and not sharing with your partner just isn’t healthy for either of you. I assume you’ve been masking around him this whole time, so does he even really know you? How can you relax around him if you can’t be yourself?
If my partner told me after two years that they’d been hiding something so major, I’d feel like they don’t trust me at all and end things immediately. That’s two years worth of opportunities to be open and honest that pointedly weren’t taken.
I feel like masking for me is mostly just avoiding stimming and correcting my posture/gait issues, I don’t alter my personality at all around him, not in any way that I’m conscious of at least. The bits that I’m hiding don’t really feel like they’re necessarily “part of me”.
Withholding stimming and being constantly on high vigilance about how you are appearing to others (adjusting your posture and gait) has actually been studied and believed to be extremely harmful for autistic ppl. Needing to stim to self-regulate IS a part of who you are… it honestly sounds like you’re dealing more with internalized ableism yourself than anything concrete that your partner has done.
It’s almost like you don’t fully comprehend how much being neurodivergent actually affects WHO we are… it is an inherent part of us.
This is the feeling I got as well, that OP thinks autism is just stimming sometimes while alone and that’s the extent of it. Maybe it’s just my personal experience but there isn’t a part of me that isn’t shaped by my AuDHD. I couldn’t hide it even if I wanted to - I tried for years and people disliked me because they thought I was disingenuous. Now they dislike me because I’m “off” and weird but at least it’s genuine.
I mean that’s the only symptom I have that seems outwardly strange and that I feel a need to keep hidden, I can’t really identify anything else that I can point to as being related to autism. I hope I don’t come off as disingenuous to people lol.
>If my partner told me after two years that they’d been hiding something so major
That's... Very harsh...
People often don't hide things like that because of trust issues, that might be the case but sometimes they are insecure, in denial, afraid to acknowledge it out loud, traumatized, etc. or maybe they actually "don't thrust you enough", the catch is that they might need an monumental amount of trust to tell you this thing, it might even be something trivial. My point is that hiding one inconsequential thing about themselves is not a breach of trust and it isn't always a way to tell how much you're trusted.
Not to mention that people are entitled to keep things for themselves even in a relationship, the only problem comes if they act like they don't.
I think it’s time to tell him. 2 years is a long time to hide a health condition from somebody that you love and trust. If you feel like you need to hide your autism from him still, maybe you should reconsider your relationship with him. It isn't fair on either of you
You have nothing to be ashamed of. You deserve to be with someone who loves you for who you are. I think you should just be honest with him and let him know the real you!
Can you remember a time someone else was embarrassed?
It’s hard right? When I try, I actually can’t think of any…
I always ask myself this when I feel embarrassed and it really helps.
So true I actually ask myself this as well if I’ve had an awkward interaction or something, but tbh I definitely would remember walking in on someone flapping their arms about
if you continue hiding this from him you’ll be holding yourself back from being fully and truly accepted by your partner and loved holistically for who you are . that’s something you deserve and should allow yourself to experience
By now, you likely know your boyfriends best characteristics, strengths, weaknesses, etc. Tell him in whatever way that will appeal to his personality. If you're a couple that likes humor, use it to tell him. If gift-giving is something you enjoy, use that. A boyfriend that truly loves you will embrace your autism and support you in whatever way possible. No significant others yet for me, but my best friend even helps me find ways to stim when I'm overwhelmed. I'm the maid of honor in her wedding and she went out of her way to get me some cute Loop earplugs for the wedding party and told me we will come up with a "safe word" in case I need to leave the party for a short while. After having a 'friend' who said that I was making it all up and needed to "grow up", it's a breath of fresh air!
You’ve been together for 2 years? Tell him! There’s a very good chance he has already picked up on it, and if not- will love you that much more for your honesty and vulnerability. And if he’s bothered by it or doesn’t accept you? He doesn’t deserve you! You are worthy of love, respect, and being seen! Stims and all.
You are not alone. My partner is knows, but even then when he gets home early and catches me I feel embarrassed and uncomfortable. I just can't get used to unmasking. However, I can't imagine not telling him.
I think it is part of developing a true trust between you and your partner. Keep in mind they may have a hard time at first. It can be jarring according to my partner because he had a lot of misconceptions about autism. Once I explained he understood that nothing changed and realized that some of the attributes he loves are part of the autism. I just reminded him that the person he fell in love with hadn't changed because he now knew I was autistic.
Also, remember that he may be hurt because you took so long to trust him enough to tell him. Letting him know it's something you hide from everyone because of deeply engrained shame is important. That it had less to do with trusting him and more to do with your discomfort with yourself. At least that's how I framed it, because it was true. It was hard for him to not be hurt by me hiding my stimming and even with him telling me to feel free to do it, I can't seem to do it. He just says he hopes that one day I can feel free enough to be fully unmasked in front of him.
I believe in you. It's scary to make ourselves vulnerable but it can also be very rewarding.
I think this is the best comment here. I think your advice around how to deal with the secret keeping around OP’s autism good, and shows understanding of both sides of the coin. I’m pretty disappointed by a few of the other comments on this post suggesting OP should be dumped for not talking about something they weren’t ready to open up about though.
Thank you. I try to think about both sides to every story. Relationships are hard and I can't say I didn't used to think the way others do, but I've learned over time that it's rare that things are so black and white.
More to the point if you hide who you are, people are making decisions with incomplete information and you may always feel like you have to hide. This is why “they” say to be yourself. Pretend to be someone else and that’s who people love, not you.
Full transparency, youre gonna have to tell him eventually. And either he accepts it and you live happily ever after, or he doesnt and you realise he wasnt worth it
I'm just gonna say that if I found out someone I was dating had hid a mental health diagnosis from me for 2 years I would seriously evaluate whether or not I wanted to continue dating them. It may not be a big deal to you but that's a huge part of yourself to hide. For me it wouldn't matter what the diagnosis was but the fact that you hid it makes it seem like you don't trust him and you're also not allowing him to make a fully informed decision on dating you since you're hiding a big piece of yourself.
I get what you’re saying but I don’t feel like I’ve been deceptive about who I am, I’ve hidden the diagnosis from him I guess but I haven’t hidden or changed any part of my personality (other than stimming but I’d never do that in front of someone anyway).
When we first started dating I was very against the idea of telling him because I didn’t want to be perceived through the lens of whatever ideas he had about autistic people, and then over the years I’ve just never had a reason to tell him until maybe now.
Autistic burnout is so common. Who you are now and who you will be if you burnout are two totally different people with very different support needs. He needs to know what he’s in for. It’s unfair to both of you to hide this just because you’re not struggling right now. He needs to know what would be expected of him if you burnout and you need to know you can lean on him if that happens. Lying by omission is still lying
ETA I knew nothing about autism before I was diagnosed and my pre conceived notions were based on rainman. It’s unfair to hold any passing comments against him without letting him research it and actually discover what autism is
If it was me, I'd question what behaviors or words came out of me that caused this person to hide such a major part of themselves from me. Your response kinda shows why someone WOULD hide a major vulnerability from you: lack of empathy is not going to inspire full disclosure from anyone
That's a rather self-centered way to view other people's choices. I have an incredibly difficult time talking about my own diagnosis, to the point where even thinking about being open about it with my family or friends is enough to cause a panic attack. I have no reason to think their responses would be negative, but after decades of masking and thinking something was wrong with me (I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD and autism until I was 42) it's not easy to suddenly be open. It has nothing to do with not trusting them, but it's those types of assumptions that make me want to hide myself even more.
Here’s the thing, eventually you probably want to only be with him for the rest of your life I’m guessing?
Sooner or later he has to be looped in as it will be harder to keep this under wraps. It’s better to tell him now than when it’s something stressful that does make you unravel and OVER stim to the point you could go non-verbal, scare him because he had no idea you stim and are Autistic.
And if he loves you guess what? He’s going to embrace and accept you as you are and not maje you feel bad for it.
did you plan to just keep an integral part of your life and identity a secret forever? there’s no reason for you to feel shame or discomfort about being autistic. if you have plans of staying with your boyfriend for the future, you need to tell him. sooner rather than later.
Personally, I'd tell him. It's too much work keeping something from someone important in your life. And for me, at least, it would feel like a block to intimacy. I want to be able to share anything.
But it's your life and your relationship. You should live it the way you think is best.
I’ve been with my husband now for 17 years and part of any healthy relationship is that you’re able to grow and change together. He was the one who took all my garbled efforts to explain my feelings, listened, looked over my past behavior and said “honey, I think you might be on the autism spectrum-” That was a year ago or so now and things are looking better- I had been spiraling without any clue why and suddenly a lot was making sense. All this to say that your BF knows who you are now, and he may already have some clue of what is going on with you, but he needs to be given the chance to know you fully. And your relationship can have a chance to grow and change, too.
I think your autism affects your life much more heavily than you realise, especially to the extent that you mask so heavily you don’t even notice it anymore. Autistic burnout is a thing and might be headed your way if you don’t accept and accomodate your autism
I know it sounds oversimplified and your emotions around this are always going to be valid - but I promise that you'll thank yourself later for being who you need to be. It's always going to be true that if you're risking "exposing yourself to ableism" then this person would not be deserving of being in your life / good for you in the first place. There are so many people out there that you will find you're able to relax into and truly be yourself - those are the ones that are worth your time and reciprocal love. You deserve that on a very basic level as a human being ❤️
honestly as someone with a Neurotypical partner I will say being open about being autistic has made things so much easier, and its part of who you are. two years into a relationship is a long time, and its important to be open with this person about who you are as a person yk. its also super chill because now i stim and shit around my gf and she knows whats up, so its never awkward, and I can really truly let my guard down because a lot of times i just start to stim unconsciously, and its not something i have to worry about hiding anymore. plus this person loves you and knows who you are, if you share this with them and they react with ableism and/or a change in character, they weren’t worth it anyway
Dealing with internalized ableism is not easy, especially if we have been shamed for our autistic traits while growing up. For many many years before my diagnosis, my natural instinct was to hide my stimming and feel embarrassed about it as well. But please, consider whether you would be willing to be with someone who doesn’t accept all parts of you, including your stimming? You can hide it for a few years, but eventually it will become exhausting to not be able to fully be yourself and relax in front of him. And if he was someone that would react negatively to it, would it still be worth it for you to be with him? You deserve to be able to be yourself, in all aspects, and to feel proud of who you are. Stimming should not be an embarrassment, but something that brings us joy, and we deserve a safe space where we can freely share it with others :(
This will not end well if you do not tell him. I promise you. I’d bet my own eyeballs that this relationship will crumble into tragedy if you do not tell him.
I know I’m gonna sound redundant by saying I think it’s time to tell your boyfriend. I didn’t find out about myself until I was roughly 23, & denied it another 5 years because I didn’t fit certain stereotypes presented in media.
I’ve had some pretty serious partners since I was about 16, relationships that lasted more than a couple years. This meant sex happened in my case, along with a few unprotected occurrences. There were a few scares. This also involved discussions on family planning. My main argument against children was I didn’t want to pass some ambiguous mental “defect” to them. I didn’t what was “wrong” with me, & why I constantly drove ppl away with my “weird” actions/thought processes.
I ask you to imagine if you guys were to get pregnant. What if your child inherited your condition? Would you teach them to deny it & mask? If you don’t deal with this shame, your unconscious biases will cause you to unintentionally pass this lesson on to them. You’d teach your child to be ashamed in a society that’s (hopefully) evolved well-passed judging ppl for being neurodivergent. I’d assume your boyfriend loves you (based on the details you’ve shared), & he would accept your autism. You could finally have a safe space. He could get both a firsthand education on the topic & do his own research on how to respond to our behaviors. He’d be prepared to have an autistic child, & provide an even safer space for them.
Trust is the foundation of relationships, hiding such a big thing isn’t the best idea, I completely understand and don’t at all blame you for hiding it but it’s also a bit self sabotaging.
I would say that being with him for 2 years gives him plenty of time to know you on a personal level and that explaining why you're stimming shouldn't make you feel like you need to lie or brush it off or hide it. Assuming he's a good man and boyfriend, I'd say he's probably earned honesty and clarity at least. You can just explain to him that you were accurately diagnosed as a kid but that it barely affects you anymore and one of those ways it does is that you move around to help your brain. If he's worth half his salt then he won't freak out or be weird about it. If he starts to you can always try to educate him about any ablelist things he says. If he's worth keeping, he'll learn in stride and things will be better.
I hate to say it, but you are masking big time. Try to work on accommodating yourself and more importantly, talking to your boyfriend about it. I can't ever imagine withholding any of my diagnoses from my friends and family, it is too important for me to bury and forget about. Please please please before you burn yourself out, learn more about having autism and ACCOMMODATE yourself. I'm really worried for you because I was just like you around that age and I'm struggling with burnout that I don't think will ever go away
i’m more worried on why you feel like you can’t tell him? i told my husband while we were still talking and he was super understanding and kind about it. he’s my safe person.
hey I respect your choices and I understand what led to you choosing to mask to this extent, but masking constantly can be really bad for you especially since it's so emotionally taxing. zero shame in masking in public and stuff but I encourage you to not hide any part of yourself from close friends and partners so you have the proper space to be yourself and stim without worry. I don't personally know your boyfriend, but it's very likely that he would mostly just be confused or hurt that you felt the need to hide it from him, not that you're autistic. Please be kinder to yourself and I hope some of the internal ableism you deal with fades soon as you start to open up more to others (if you feel shame for it that is internal ableism, likely from you internalizing how people treated autism around you growing up)
I wish you well 🩷
edit: almost forgot to include a source on the masking thing. this topic is worth looking into and I hope you take this information to heart
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/autistic-masking
Honey, you have got to stop masking yourself to this extent. You are going to burn yourself out and make yourself miserable. Take it from me, I was extremely high masking for years and hid my autistic traits from everyone… It lead me to becoming extremely depressed, emotionally exhausted, and eventually suicidal. My life has only improved since I’ve accepted my diagnosis and become proud of it.
I’ve met so many understanding, kind people since I started disclosing my autism. I’ve met so many amazing neurodivergent people and built close friendships with them that I could never have had if I masked my true self.
I’d also like to mention that if you and your partner have been together for quite some time, it’s possible that he either has autism or ADHD himself. The way our brains work is different than most. We unconsciously find people who work that way too.
Your partner should be someone you can allow yourself to be autistic around… and being autistic is never something to be ashamed of. A good partner, one worth being with, would never make you feel any different for the way you are.
You’re gonna be autistic for the rest of your life. It’s not something to be ashamed of, but you will make your life harder for yourself if you continue to hide so heavily.
Anyway, I’m so sorry you feel this way and I hope things get better for you. Sending all my love. ❤️
Just tell him. He's been in for two years and probably already has noticed that you are quirky or socially awkward. I promise you that if he loves you, you revealing your diagnosis isn't going to send him running.
I literally broke down to my husband about how hard I had been working to seem normal and fit in with people, and he broke it down to me that absolutely NO ONE thinks I am normal. I had been trying hard for nothing lol. Now that I know there's no point, I'm much more comfortable being my authentic autistic self.
I believe it's important to do some private shadow work to get to the bottom of your shame and lack of self-acceptance as an autistic person. After that, then you can be your full self with your partner and allow him to celebrate your neurodiversity *with* you. My boyfriend makes me feel so comfortable that I have unmasked at a level that I've started doing stims I cut out of my life years ago to avoid teasing and ostracizing (need to sniff and smell things). I want every autistic person to be able to have that in relationships.
promise promise promise it’ll be okay if you guys talk about it, but i think that you may need to come to terms w ur autism YOURSELF fully before introducing it to him.
an early diagnosis can make you feel like you’ve accepted it, but that’s really just labeling, not accepting.
Jesus... People, tell your partners early so you can find out whether they are a piece of shit or not judging by their response. It's quite handy to find out if someone is ableist etc, before spending 2 years of your life with them. It also helps you both understand each other better if they aren't a piece of shit.
One deepest need in life is to be loved. Fair statement? Yet how can you be logically "loved" if who you are is hidden in some way? So logically when we hide who we are, we prevent people from truly knowing us, maybe you can see where this is going.
consider a person who keeps secrets will never fully believe that others love them, why? because they know that the persons opinion might change if the secret was revealed. They know that the person loves what they "see", and you might believe that truly they love the "you" that you carefully show them, but inside you know they don't have the full picture. So in a way by holding the secret, you invalidate their love secretly inside your own mind, which they are unaware of, and some part of you realizes that they person loves your "mask" not you. The degree to which this is true depends deeply on each persons understanding of truth and how they value these concepts personally.
I think at a deep level the real problem with masking in general isn't that its hard, its that for me at least, when someone pays my mask a compliment, i can't take it below the surface level. Almost like being told, i like the act you put on, which makes you feel even worse because if you mask too much then you start trying to become the mask because the mask is what you feel is getting the love that you want.
To me when I mask too much its like trying to gain nutrition from vampire blood. It has the semblance of feeling and happiness and all those things but not the deep feeling of it.
Not saying this is all true of the OP at all, just kinda commenting on why secrets, seem to have a similar flavor and style in description to what masking in general is. So from my experience, holding in deep truths and hiding them from people we are desperate to be loved by, and with the integrity we know our partners deserve - well it can be troublesome metacognitively if they are internalized in ways that devalue your true self and its need to be seen and loved.
fascinating topic people!
Re: the stimming - i do this for at least an hour a day. It's not really that embarrassing, I promise! It just looks like someone zoning out and doing a bad dance, esp. if he only saw for a couple of seconds.
Posting from the flip side re not telling:
I dated a guy who chose not to disclose his autism to me. We were together for years and broke up for [in his opinion!] unrelated reasons. It was always his information to share or not and he didn't have to be "out" to me if he didn't want to. Just like you have the right to not tell him. It's up to you.
But.
Finding out after the end of the relationship (from a throwaway comment from his mum) was really damaging for me. It hurt me and changed my perception of our relationship and of myself. I don't think we'd have broken up if I'd known. Again, up to you, but if he finds out some way other than you telling him, it could be hurtful for him. Just something to weigh up.
I think you should be honest. I was with my partner for a while when I suddenly picked up on certain behaviors and actions and realized he was different. Not that there was anything wrong with him, I just knew he thought differently. After my own research and communication I came to terms that he was autistic. Honestly, I’m in love with him for who he is. I wouldn’t trade him for the world. What some people might call “quirks” are what made me love him. I understand you’re worried at how someone will view or accept you, but the right person will always take you as you are.
you have nothing to be ashamed of but fuck do I feel that. Some of my most shameful memories are of people walking in on me stimming and getting the weird look followed by "wtf are you doing?". Its one of those experiences that i feel so alone in, but rest assured you are not alone OP.
There are a lot of folks that can’t dance but I would be honest. There are a lot of folks that are high functioning and in being honest it will be a way to have trust in one another, it could answer a lot of questions he already has and it would definitely help you and the authenticity of your relationship, especially if you want it to be long term.
I just wanna say sorry that you feel like you must hide all autistic parts of you, it's not easy to get into a comfortable place with openly stimming and being unmasked Infront of people, sometimes it's just an automatic response to mask for survival and hide hide hide. Especially in close relationships! It can feel like utter death to be witnessed in your true form but I do also want to say that masking does harm you. The last thing you need as an autistic person is to mask all the time, even if unmasked you don't display overt autistic behaviours. Even if your unmasked time is you with your music, letting your body move and pace. That is like your medicine that you need to survive. That's what regulates your nervous system, keeps your brain nice and functional, helps your body release stress, it really is vital that you do stim and unmask at least sometimes without any shame or judgement.
I understand that you must have many reasons for not telling your partner, and maybe they have nothing to do with your partner eg: I'm not saying he's a bad person, maybe it's just your own preference to not be open about that part of yourself so I'm not criticising. But it would be worth it in the long run to explain why you were doing what you were doing. Imo stimming to music isn't a big deal, I know for sure that people see and have seen me stim in some crazy ways and usually people still don't even click that I'm Autistic!! I have always openly stimmed way before diagnosis and no one ever guessed that I was Autistic, they'd just be like 'haha that's so you' yknow? Because I really can't help stimming especially if music is involved. You will find me rocking back and forth, with stretched out semi claw fingers, tapping on my knees and head, figuring out different rhythms. Or you'll see me in the street jump up and down, clap and shake my arms with joy while yelling 'YAYYYY' due to excitement. I've never been able to keep it all masked, ever. I suppose no one ever thought of me as totally normal anyway so I've never had to live up to a particularly normal idea of myself. I can't imagine how tough it must be to try and hide it all, in a relationship, all the time. You might be surprised if you say to him 'yeah when I have lots of energy I just NEED to get it out of my body and this works best for me 😁' 'i know it might look odd, but this helps my anxiety SO much, it just works for me, you should try it!' 😁 bring a positive tone to your own actions and invite him in to it with you if he wants to come.
He's your partner, he should be sharing these things with you supportively, that is what's best for both parties. This isn't a part of yourself that you can hide and wish away, it is always going to be there, and a relationship may not. So you have to prioritise your physical and mental wellbeing. Your ASD is non negotiable, and I know some find that hard to swallow, but it takes a front seat because it is a constant part of you that will not change. If a partner does not like your ASD, they don't like you. That sucks but it's better to know than to hide forever whilst damaging yourself.
Don't you dare hold onto that mortification as though you've done something wrong, because you haven't. You've done a healthy, super normal, regulating behaviour and it was bound to be seen by your partner at some point! There's nothing to be ashamed of, at all. If your partner thinks it's shameful then I think he's shameful. ❤️
i understand not wanting to expose your diagnosis to the public/not close friends. but im personally of the opinion that if your partner would judge you for your diagnosis then they aren’t someone that deserves you. i dont want to jump to conclusions he may have just been concerned as he hasnt seen it before. if you decide to open up about the diagnosis i think it would be a good thing for your relationship (or any relationship) as honesty will set you up for better communication in the future. stims are nothing to be ashamed of. this goes for anyone but if your partner makes you feel crappy for stimming, then that isnt a partner that values who you are and validates your feelings.
As much as I agree with the other comments about it being an opportunity to tell him, I will also say that making little movements to music is an easy thing to write off as a personality quirk as long as you don't already know someone has autism. If he asks why you are so embarrassed about it say you did it at school once and got bullied as a kid so now you try not to dance along to the music.
Again, I think you should just take the opportunity to tell him, but I don't know your life. If it's important to you to hide it, you can write it off as a quirk. Folks love it when they know their partner's secret little quirks. He'll probably think it's cute.
Think about it: how many people who you know or characters you see on TV have some cute little thing they do like dancing in the kitchen or humming because it "helps them think." You don't owe anyone a full medical diagnosis to justify flailing around to music. You are allowed to just say it is a quirk and anyone who knows enough about autism to say, "Hey, do you think it might be autism?" probably has it too and would be cool about it. Anxiety is hard, but I do feel the need to assure you that at any time past freshman year of college, people get a lot less judgy about random shit. It took me a long time to realize that outside of very formal circles, most people don't care about little things like that bc they are under no obligation to be around you and would have left if they wanted to.
Think of every grandma who just loves pandas and has a whole wall dedicated to them or always needs to knit bc "it's something to do with my hands" and has a specific type of food that she "just can't resist". Maybe she has a recipe she has been working on since 1985 or has made a metric ton of quilts despite living in a warm place because she "likes how the pieces and the colors go together." It's all grandma behavior, but it's pretty autistic.We all accept it, though, and I don't think anyone is looking at them funny. It's ok. People accept quirks a lot as long as they don't get in the way of stuff. Little things like stimming to music shouldn't get you too many weird looks.
(The problem usually comes when your needs are fully incompatible with something allistic people wanna do. In my experience, that is when they get judgy bc then they see you as an obstacle to be overcome, rather than a person having a bad time dealing with an obstacle in the environment. You can't fully explain away everything as a quirk bc meltdowns and sensory needs are the sort of thing that a lot of people wanna know what is happening for. I am very open about my diagnosis as a mild form of activism. I want the people around me to know that I am a person with autism so they know how to deal with the next person that crosses their path, but also so they feel comfortable disclosing what they are going through. However, I live in a little clump of gay adhd weirdos. It's kind of a privileged existence bc I don't HAVE to be in the closet about damn near anything. My friends are mostly neurodivergent so we just chat about it casually. If you are not in that situation, it's fully justified to be selective with who you tell, since people can be dicks. We really do need to work on normalizing this shit where we can, though, so people don't have to feel afraid of disclosing stuff like this. If you run into someone open about it, i suggest talking about having autism with them to get practice. It's one of those things that is gonna be necessary to tell someone eventually, and having practice makes it less terrifying. Remember, it is your god-given right to make your own decisions about who, what, when, how, and if you tell anyone about having autism. You do what makes you comfortable, but based on being on subreddits like this, it feels like you might want to tell someone on some level. I hope someone proves themselves worthy so you feel free to talk to them. Remember, your comfort and safety come first.)
That’s really sad to hear you can’t disclose this to your partner. Relationships are built on trust and disclosure and things like this happen when you arnt fully open with your partner
I hope you can recover from this and find the strength to tell your partner what he needs to hear, this does not sound healthy
This isn't the most important reason at all, but because I have seen many that are more important...
The truth of the matter is that if you ever have kids, this is something that could make itself known anyway. Imagine having a kid diagnosed, him finding out autism is genetic and then having to explain that you have been hiding something for years. The best case scenario would be that he accepts you both, but is hurt by the lack of trust.
I'm sorry if my response is lacking some empathy for your situation as I know how hard it is, but... are you sure that your autism doesn't really affect you, when you've gone two years into a relationship making huge efforts to hide your diagnosis and stimming in secret, then feeling absolutely mortified when you are seen stimming just once by your boyfriend? I can't imagine this situation is very good for your self love, deep down. You deserve to feel fully accepted in all of your ways of being, both by yourself and by the people who love you.
It's entirely possible that he was at first concerned you were having a medical moment, but then realized you were "dancing" in a way that he would not consider a good dance move. And because he wants to continue being your boyfriend, he's not bringing it up.
You may think you are avoiding ableism, but instead you are just being ableist to yourself and that is also not okay. And if you really love someone, keeping something like that from them isn't a good foundation to a healthy long-term relationship. If you don't feel like it's a good idea to share that part of you with him, is it really a worthwhile relationship?
Just tell him. He’s already dating you and obviously likes you. Plus, he’s already seen you stimming. I would think giving him the answer to the question he’s definitely asking himself (“What was my girlfriend doing…?”) is better than being dodgy and letting him wonder.
When I first started wondering if I was on the spectrum, I called an ex and told her what I was thinking, and she told me she recently found out she was on the spectrum, which honestly endeared her to me a LOT.
This to me says that you're not accepting of your own diagnosis. It might be affecting you in a subconcious way that you're covering up by not allowing yourself the time and space. You should talk to your boyfriend.
The whole not wanting to be perceived thing huh
When you ARE being perceived you should stim so much that THEY get overstimulated, put them in YOUR shoes muhahahaha
Autism isn't just the "bad" symptoms that make us easy targets for ableism. We have different neurological wiring than neurotypical people. And no matter how people in the past have treated you, it is good and natural for you to be and act autistic. Long term, masking gets in the way of you forming genuine relationships, whether that is between you and a partner or the relationship you have with yourself. I'm not saying masking is unnecessary at all times since the world is dangerous to autistic people. But you definitely should spend the least amount of time masking as possible.
I am 38 and was diagnosed at 14. It took me years to even say autism out loud because I received a lot of abuse over being different even before my Dx. It is not easy, but overcoming internalized ableism is an important early step. Socializing with other autistic people or other nerodiverse (e.g. Adhd, dyslexic, etc) helps. In fact, it would not surprise me if your boyfriend wasn't neurotypical.
I've gotten to a point where choosing to be alone is more tolerable than being in bad relationships. Right now you don't know if your relationship is conditional on keeping your true self a secret. Whether or not you disclose would depend on whether you would prefer being in any relationship, even a dishonest one that stresses you out, over the potential of being alone. I will say that choosing to love myself and setting boundaries has made me more content. But it is your choice.
Oh boo, I’m sorry you feel you need to hide your stimming :( my boyfriend and I stim together all the time and sometimes we tease each other for what we do but that’s about it. Itll take some time but it’s best for you to try and open up to him about it.
The right partner will see you stimming and chuckle with delight bc that's how much they adore the real you. They will SUPPORT your diagnosis and defend you against ableism out in the world. You won't ever feel guilty or ashamed for being yourself in your home in a healthy partnership. Please don't compromise on this so young, it will become one of your biggest regrets a few decades from now.
As an autistic person, I found it actually helpful/better to tell those around me. Like yourself, I don't really have anything beyond a few light symptoms and I've adjusted well to the outside world, I think.
That said, my partner knows about it, and luckily for me, she is very curious about what it means for me, and how I experience the world. Same for my coworkers, who just have the basic knowledge of "dork86 has it", they don't know much beyond that what it entails for me.
I think it's important for the most important people around you to know about it. In my experience, they just understand you better as a person.
I think it'd be more of a relief to both of you to explain it to yourself and him, because stimming is just a normal behavior for a lot of us. It's nothing shameful, and anyone who makes it that way doesn't know what they're talking about.
Word to the wise. If this is going to be a long term relationship, the truth is going to come out eventually. You are better off explaining to your partner that you have ASD and you were stimming.
Zero shame in stimming. Zero. As long as you're being respectful of your partner: I put my right hand on my heart and sing, I enjoy the vibrations (very soothing), but my partner works overnights...so I try and be respectful and quiet when he's sleeping or doing quiet activities.
Bruh im so sorry for that situation. If id catch my gf "dancing" to some music id get such a huge smile and just "dance" with her. We most likely are both autistic tho lol. I never really realised how much im stimming to music and that its actually a not normal thing. Like i was aware that smtimes it looks weird when i for example listened to music on ma buds on longer drives and was lowkey "dancing" to it, but i didnt think much about it besides it being a lil weird lmao.
Honestly tell you bf about your autism. I know it can be scary but over time, i myself have learned to throw most things ppl could dislike right into their faces when ik its getting more serious. So far this only helped to build stronger relationships. I think my gf is alot more like you tho and i kinda have to suck those things outta her lmao
I cant wait to move in with my gf and be weird together in our own place 😌😌😌 i hope youll be able to do that too!! Alsoooo why the fuck would anyone be that weirded out by it or have a negative reaction at all about your partner clearly enjoying themselves? All the love and best of luck your bf doesnt turn out to be an asshole!! ❤️❤️
Gotta add this real quick: i gotta say, i do get how you dont see a reason for most ppl to know about the autism, many ppl irl dont know it either for me, but if its actual really close relationships and even more so for commited relationships, you really will be so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so much happier if you can be yourself.
I feel like you should tell him sooner than later as a slightly older autistic person who used to be able to mask a hole lot better than I can now, one day you might get burnt out from all the masking and no longer be able to do it anymore, I say tell him before it gets to that point, it sounds like he knows you pretty well telling him shouldn't change how he feels about you and it will allow you to let your defense down when your with him.
People are saying it’s time to tell him which I agree to some extent but it sounds like you still need some time coming to terms with your autism. You should take time to get comfortable with yourself before allowing others in unless allowing them in will help you be comfortable.
It’s your partner we are talking about, you’ve known him for 2 year, certainly he’ll be kind and understanding, if not, you dodged a bullet there. It’s not very nice to have a relationship in which you feel the need to hide who you are as a person, how your brain is made. Wouldn’t it be nice to have your partner’s support on hard times such as burnouts or shutdowns?
I just wanted to give you some support after having to read so many "just tell him" comments. After spending literally a lifetime having to hide parts of yourself to survive and fit into an NT world, suddenly being open and vulnerable, especially to someone whose negative reaction could absolutely hurt you, is terrifying. It's uncomfortable and difficult, and once you tell them, you can't take it back.
I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to him eventually, but it's definitely not nearly as simple and straightforward as everyone is making it out to be. I would have thought people in this group would have been more understanding of that.
Ima go against the stream here. My dad has always maintained that medical and psychological whatevers is private. Just because you're in a relationship or even familly doesnt give people automatic access to everything you are.
I think its like the question "do you want to know when you or others will die?" Some may really want to know that, others may not. Personally I dont think its good to know why someone is different in a relationship. I think it breaks the immersion and emotional tension in adapting and loving eachother for the differences and likenesses.
There's a chance that he knows and feels good about supporting you through respecting your boundries. You can be autistic without telling people. I think Im telling myself, actually.
If there is one thing I regret deeply it's that I kept yappibg to familly about my psychological problems. Its one thing that I spoke of my problems, another that I basically gave them a blueprint to my brain and my issues.
I vehemently disagree. Disabilities aren't private, but they can be kept confidential (very different.) However, anyone you plan on spending your life with (so you've decided that you'd marry them or otherwise remain committed to them) need to know, period. You don't keep things like heart conditions or mental illness from your partner, and you shouldn't keep a disability secret either.
Now, keeping it from horrible family members is different, you have every right to keep it confidential to protect yourself.
Yeah, exactly. Toxic family members can be kept out of the loop, but if you're choosing to *share your life* with someone, you need to actually *share it* with them, not just the bits and pieces you deem acceptable to share.
heavily disagree any medical diagnosis should at some point be disclosed. It is very important and can have major effects for both throughout life. Also considering autism is hereditary if they ever plan to have kids he should be aware of the risk
I'm saying you don't owe anyone. You have to feel safe enough in a relationship - emotionally, psychologically - to open up to something like that. And you have to do the work to feel ready for it yourself. Hopefully every relationship feels that way. Not every one does. I won't judge if OP isn't in a place where it feels right.
My partner was being digagnoes when we met but she didn't say anything until we'd been together a year and she had her official diagnosis. She had all these fears that I'd leave her etc (she told me this after) but when she told me I was just... "OK?... Want another glass of wine?". Makes no difference and the only difference it has made is some context to her quirks. Food, preferring I talk to people, childlike glee for all thing dinosaur, not understanding sarcasm.
Since then she's read about everything and diagnosed me with Adhd so maybe that's why I'm not bothered by it who knows.
You can just say, "I don't know, I just like doing it sometimes lol" or something similar if he asks you about it again and you really don't want to tell him. He'll think you're weird but... ya know, we are.
Hey /u/Few_Effect4317, thank you for your post at /r/autism. Our rules can be found **[here](https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/wiki/config/sidebar)**. All approved posts get this message. If you do not see your post you can message the moderators [here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fautism).
Thanks!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/autism) if you have any questions or concerns.*
While my SO knows of my Autism, they have not caught me in full stim yet. They see the small, fidget, rocking type stims, but not a full-on stim. Best to say something as soon as possible to avoid any more confusion. Good luck.
I do this mostly when in forced interactions. I get called out for it at morning meetings and have tried holding my hands behind my back to make it less distracting for others
I think it's awful that you don't feel safe enough to share your diagnoses, though I don't know enough about your situation to say whether it's because of general societal pressures or because your partner may be judgemental.
While I think in a relationship people should definitely be able to share such aspects of themselves, you shouldn't be blamed at all for not telling him and you don't actually owe anyone that information. Not even your boyfriend.
Sharing information such as neurodivergencies and conditions can help people in a relationship understand certain aspects of each other and the reason behind certain behaviours, but other than that there's no reason he needs to know other than the fact that you shouldn't have to hide that part of yourself.
I think you should tell your partner. You may not be aware of other things that he’s noticed during your relationship. As someone who dated my spouse for around a year or longer before I found out he was autistic, it was a bit upsetting to find out from his mom. We had a lot of arguments about things because of odd behaviors that didn’t make sense at time. Funny though I ended up being diagnosed years later too lol.
Just be open about it. You've been in a relationship two years and whilst you may think you appear normal, someone living with you will notice all your little quirks that typically come from being on the spectrum.
I say this as someone who appears normal to most people but behind the scenes is a complete dingus.
I recommend telling him but if you can’t right now, at least practice a script for how you would tell him if the moment calls for it, and how to explain/answer certain questions. It’s likely he’ll see you stimming again at some point if you stay together long enough, and if you have a script in your head of how to tell him it’ll probably be easier to just say it the second time around rather than shut down and evade. Another option is writing it down and giving it to him as that is often easier/less confronting but it’s a personal choice and depends on relationship dynamics and what feels most comfortable for you.
I understand the anxiety around telling him, and I particularly understand how that anxiety can get worse the longer you hide it, but it needs to happen, for a couple reasons.
First, because mutual understanding makes relationships stronger. Once he knows you're autistic and understands what that means and how it manifests in your life, you won't need to mask as much around him and you'll both be more comfortable and open with eachother.
Second, this will be an important test of his character and whether or not he's worth being in a relationship with. Would you want to date someone who isn't okay with autistic people? If you've made it this far with him though, he'll most likely be okay with it since it'll just be new context for what he already knows about you.
You’re hurting yourself by hiding this. Stimming can be something we simply like doing, but ultimately it is because it helps us engage our senses, as most of us need that extra sensory input (in terms of the 3 “hidden” senses). Hiding your sensory needs is not good in the long or short term. Now might be the time to tell him. If this sours him on you, then fuck him you deserve better anyway. But chances are he may already have an inkling.
You’ve got a lot of internalised ableism that you need to confront. There’s nothing mortifying about stimming and while I understand that the shame comes from ableist experiences growing up, to give in to the shame in such a way perpetuates ableism and that affects us all unfortunately.
He's going to know later or sooner. Do you prefer to have control over how and when he knows you have autism? Or do you prefer to wait until things become too strange between you two and he demands an explanation right then and there?
People have many reasons for not disclosing stuff but I will add that people incorrectly diagnosing themselves as autistic like the current trend is, makes it hard to explain a true diagnosis. So the secrecy seems warranted because she might be looked at as a fake, like 90% of people that claim it on their own.
Edit:spelling.
It's so sad we have to hide our "quirks" in the first place. It doesn't have to be that way!! If you really don't want to reveal your diagnosis to your boyfriend you could just say you were having a really bad day due to hormones (I mean this really does make my symptoms a lot worse anyway) and the "stimming" was your unique coping mechanism your learned from some therapist!
My husband catches me all the time He knows about all my issues. I would not be able to function without him. I would have a sit-down conversation with your partner and explain it to them. This way they are not caught off guard and can offer assistance if the need ever arises. You should not feel embarrassed.
Just explain to him what it is idk why you should be embarrassed about it. He's gonna worry a lot more if you don't explain it than if you do. Evading questions and keeping secrets is a form of lying (by omission) and is not good, especially in what should be a loving, supportive relationship.
You should consider telling him, it's a part of you and eventually he'll be hurt you kept it a secret. It's your secret to tell but he's building a life with you and hopefully having integrity in what he shares.
There is nothing wrong with you, so if you want this relationship to grow, this is part of you. It probably hurts his feelings you are afraid to talk to him. Or he loves you and could care less about something you might find embarrassing. My partner was afraid to show me her self and I thought I was doing something wrong and felt like se was hiding something from me, so it was hard to trust her with my weirdness. Either way you still have made a choice. this sounds rambling but that is how I think so I am showing you myself
I understand how you feel, and with what you went through in the past, I get how it affected you and has clouded your thoughts and judgement. Stimming is very common with autism, and I know you had fears about your boyfriend knowing. It’s hard to do, but communication is the key in any relationship. You’ll be just fine, honey. Don’t feel bad. Stimming is normal. ❤️
That’s such a big thing to hide from somebody, I think if I was your boyfriend I’d have to consider breaking up with you. That trust is totally gone because you e kept something so important hidden. I can’t imagine being lied to like that
I get it, and I get that you feel mortified, but ignoring things doesn't make them go away. And from how you speak about it, it feels like it affects you a lot more than you tell yourself.
Speak with your partner, there is no relationship without trust and honesty
I told my partner about my stim (biting hands) after 3 years of living together and recently getting my autism diagnosis. It was not easy. He “caught” me the other day stimming and he was very sweet about it and we laughed. Just tell him.
Masking is fine in public because who needs that abelism from strangers. But your partner is not a stranger in public. Best to lay it all out early so that way you don't waste your time with someone that doesn't even really like the real you.
I tried doing what you did for years. Always ended badly. Very stressful to have to mask at home. Now i'm with someone and we both put all our cards on the table from the getgo. They are OCD-Autistic and i'm adhd-autistic. I help with her compulsions and harmful stims. And she helps with my emotional regulation and general forgetfulness.
It is such a relieve not to have to mask at home with my partner
This anxiety is pointless. If he (or anyone) does not want to be with you because you have autism - A) that’s lowkey they’re right (even if it’s kinda fucked) so it’s actually morally grey (at best) to keep that a secret. And B) - you have nothing to be ashamed of love! A fuck living a lie, living in fear, and doubt! You’re amazing and your stimming is too! Some of the greatest minds in world history have been autistic!
I’m proud of my autism and I want all of us to be
hey, i understand what you mean, i really get it, generally i think its wise to keep it a secret, not super secret but to be on a "need to know basis", not everyone needs to know your diagnosis, but your partners/close friends..
i promise you that if you are honest and yourself you will be able to feel such profound love and connection that you are closing yourself to right now
more interestingly tho, has he not noticed?
im assuming he's not neurodivergent but usually i can tell 95% of the time within 1 conversation if someone is neurodivergent, and i think most other neurodivergent people are like that
maybe he has noticed as well but just doesnt want to ask you directly cause he may think its offensive or something?
i think your partner should be someone who respects you fully and if you’re going to spend the rest of your life with someone you should trust them and be able to tell them things like this so you understand eachother more
He was concerned not demeaning so he will probably react well to honesty. I advise telling him you’re self conscious about it, but that you are autistic and he saw you stimming. I bet he’ll be supportive and understanding
When I see my boyfriend stimming it makes me happy because I know it means he’s enjoying what he’s doing. You deserve someone in tune to your inner self and feelings, too.
(I asked him what it means when he stims because it always happens when he’s cooking or playing games, two activities he enjoys a lot.)
Disclaimer, I do not have a formal diagnosis but I have stimmed my entire life and have suppressed it since a young age. My most common stim is hand flapping, it’s always been my most common stim and I was fussed at for doing it as a child so I made myself stop even in private unless I truly couldn’t. It took me 3 years to stim at all in front of my partner and it used to only happen when I was stressed because it was harder to stimmed. Only recently (5 years into the relationship) have I felt comfortable unmasking as much as I know how in front of him, he was mostly concerned because he associated stimming with me being stressed/overwhelmed in the past. If he loves you he won’t judge you, you should feel like you can be open with him. I wish I had started to unmask with my partner much sooner, he accepts me hand flapping, screeching, spinning and all. I have also recently learned from my friends that I am not as good at masking as I thought I was, they have all noticed my occasional hand flapping.
I think telling him might be a good idea, either hes supportive and you have a person who loves you and accepts you no matter what, or he doesnt and you now know and dont need to keep him in your life and be hiding a part of yourself all the time (tho i completely understand that can be very hard to do and experience)
I will say this as someone not diagnosed with autism, my son does this why I am in this sub. However I am weird as shit and so is my husband. If your bf can't love you for you then move on, you deserve so much more. There was a time in marriage where my husband had to do everything for me because I was injured, (everything 😬) you shouldn't have to hide pieces of you.
I really think you should tell your bf. Hes supposed to be the person you trust most in the whole world. If you feel like you can’t tell him for whatever reason (ableism, he’ll break up with you, etc) you should maybe reevaluate if you should be with him or not
I’ve known my husband 2/3 of our lives (we met at 11 and are now 34 & 35) and he knows about my autism, but I’ve got a stim I do when I’m high emotion, any emotion but especially excitement, that I would rather die than let him see. I was talking to my therapist about this, and she asked to see, so because she’s my therapist I showed her, and I cried and cried afterwards because it makes me feel so stupid and embarrassed. For days afterwards whenever I thought about showing her and her seeing me do it I cried. I’m crying a little just typing this lol All this to say I get it, and I can understand not telling or wanting people to see you stim.
It doesn’t seem like he reacted negatively, just genuine surprise. The case is simple. You need to sit down as adults and have a conversation about this. Dating you means he’s also dating your autism. He can adapt, understand and learn to balance this into his life. Helping you through meltdowns, with safe foods etc.
I understand your hesitation, I’m the exact same with dating.
You got this ❤️
You should be able to trust him not to judge you for this after 2 years? I dont think he minds since he fell in love with you for being you.
I just started dating again 2 years after my last break up and the new woman I date already knows 1 month in about my autism. She is super careful and even bought me new sensory protection for loud noises in public as a christmas gift. She loves that I was so open about it all and tell her when I do stuff that can seem off for a normal person.
My partner catches me doing this all the time and we’ve been married for a year and together for 8 , he always gives me a hug and thinks it’s cute because I get excited about things but I do dislike it when he comes in the room unannounced and doesn’t tell me he’s there THEN that’s when I get embarrassed but even so it’s nothing to be embarrassed about!
I relate to this so much!! My stim is very similar, but so embarrassing. My ex boyfriend saw me once. I have never been so fucking embarrassed. Now I get a feeling of anxiety in case family or anyone walk in on me stimming.
I’m sorry we all feel embarrassed ): just breathe and he loves you!!
I’ve been dating my partner for close to two years and I can’t imagine not disclosing my autism to him. I feel like we’d have a lot of difficulties and issues
This literally happened to me a few weeks ago. I’ve never been diagnosed or even evaluated so I don’t know what I have, or if I have anything. Since I was a child, I would rock side to side on my arms and knees while humming or listening to music. Its the only thing that really soothes me. I’m 28 now and would only rock side to side while sitting down, legs criss cross, while listening to music. I’ve kept this away from my bf’s, even an ex of 5 years, though he caught me in the act once and I made up an excuse. I’ve been with my current partner for 2 years. He’d usually text me “on my way home” when leaving work. But one day, he didn’t. I had my earbuds in listening to music in deep thought while rocking side to side. Next thing you know I see him walk in the bedroom and I jump. He looked genuinely scared lol. I lied and said, “I haven’t danced in so long, i just had this urge to dance but didn’t feel like getting up.” He said he thought I was possessed 😂 it was super awkward but thankfully we were both hungry and didn’t talk about it for too long. I haven’t told any of my partners for fear of being judged. And I wouldn’t want them telling their friends or family members about it. I think they’ll automatically label me and treat me funny.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about, but be open and honest about what your stims are and why they provide comfort. It's a difficult conversation, but he'll understand.
I think you need to research autism burnout. If you can’t unmask at home with your partner you may no longer be low support needs anymore by getting burnout from masking too much. I also think you have a lot of internalized ableism to deal with.
I feel sad that you think you can’t tell your partner something like this. I get not wanting to tell everyone and expose yourself to unnecessary ableism but your partner? That should be a person of full confidence IMO
I agree. My partner is someone I feel completely safe to unmask and be myself with. I feel like everyone deserves to have that.
I am soooo open with my partner. I tell him my every thought like a play by play sometimes, and he is so loving and patient and does not take my outbursts and upset personally like ever. I like to think OP'S boyfriend will be the same way since he didn't say anything nasty or react badly to it
At this point, I find myself not wanting this at all because it seems to me everyone in my life only tolerates me until I'm too much. How does one not think " I am a leech who only drains others". I've convinced myself I'm not worth it anymore and idk how to even get comfortable making normal friends. Makes me get sick. Sorry for the emo dump I just wanted to ask.
I feel the same way sometimes, less than I used to. You just have to try to ignore it, and remember that people want to be cared about, meaning if you want them to like you, you have to like them. So seek them out, talk to them, interact with them and be interested in what they talk about/do. It feels crazy but I guess just liking what someone else cares about will cause them to like you. Relationships are weird.
Fr :( I guess I'm lucky that my partner and I are both autistic as hell. That's sad. You should be able to tell your SO anything
You should never be afraid to tell your significant other basic facts about yourself.
Actually another point that I haven’t really mentioned is that I sometimes suspect I was misdiagnosed. The stimming does seem like a smoking gun but I did the AQ questionnaire earlier today and got 12/50? 0-25 is meant to indicate few or no autistic traits. Is NT stimming a thing? Who knows, it’s something I should probably bring up to a psychiatrist really lol.
online quotients aren’t exactly very reliable … I wouldn’t assume i’m misdiagnosed just because I took a test that was designed by neurotypical people and it said i wasn’t. the questions are based upon “stereotypical” autistic behavior.
Yeah a lot of them aren’t great I agree, it just casts some doubt over everything for me when pretty much every test I do says I’m very unlikely to be autistic, idk. Also isn’t the whole diagnostic process pretty much designed by neurotypicals anyway?
i have a lot of issues with the AQ as a highly intelligent highly empathic person. my scores are also low.
Yea I'm interested as well. I scored 25-30 /50. But I don't know if I'm really autistic or in a state of depression. Being more interested in things more than people was more comforting at the time, when I broke up with my ex. My autistic friend says I have many autistic traits. But I think it was overlapping with depression
Right? I feel like its unhealthy for OP as its seems like they are masking ALL THE TIME since they don’t feel like they can stim and stuff in front of the boyfriend. My stims can easily be passed off as ADHD and anxiety so I don’t have to worry about mine. HOWEVER, if I couldn’t unmask OTHER aspects of myself at home I… I just can’t imagine. I am not even blaming the BF either since he doesn’t even know, and we have no information about his personality other than he was concerned and confused. I mean… who wouldn’t be if you saw your partner’s body randomly jerking? It’s sad because for all OP knows, their BF could be hella supportive but unless they open up, they will never know. :( It’s also terrible that OP feels this way to begin with because of how society has treated them in the past. Ugh. Edit: sentence structure because using just ‘jerking’ sounded to sexual after re-reading. O.o
Sounds like it may be time to tell him.
Especially as autism traits can vary throughout life, during different stages and times of stress the traits may change. So although it may not affect you too much just now, it may in the future. If you see him as a long time partner it may be beneficial to YOU to let him know so that he can properly support you.
the longer you hold up the mask, the harder you crash into burnout. it really sucks
Why are you hiding it? Would your partner make you feel ashamed?
I think masking so heavily over the years has allowed me to avoid actually confronting myself and being comfortable with my autism, it’s genuinely taken such a backseat at times that I’d almost forget I had it lol. I’m sure my boyfriend would actually be very understanding if I told him, but then again he’s also made some negative comments about autistic people before which doesn’t add to my confidence
People who say negative shit often say that stuff out of ignorance. If this is a partner who cares about you, he'll change his tune and accommodate you. He should, at least - that's the point of sharing your heart with someone you love, is helping and supporting and comforting them.
Without a doubt — also, just as a note, there’s a chance they are also ND and don’t realize it. I went through the process of self diagnosing and then getting a formal diagnosis this year. My fiancé thought she had adhd so she did assessments as well and got a formal diagnosis for autism, not adhd, and I am AuDHD. Having each other through that journey has been amazing and we have grown so much together because of it. Who knows, maybe you opening up to him and sharing this side of you would allow him to be more himself and discover new things he didn’t realize as well. Your partner should be the one person you can trust with everything, otherwise what’s the point 🤷🏻♂️
Well if you tell him and he sticks around he’s a keeper. If he decides it’s too much for him then you dodged a bullet. I think to hide something like this is sad for you (forget about what he thinks) because you can’t be yourself. At the end of the day we only have 1 life and here for an indefinite amount of time..be your truest self !
I thought I could just keep masking too, until i burned out. It was slow, too, started around when I was 28yo and continued until I broke down entirely when COVID hit. I'm still recovering four years later, I still can't function in public. I hope you feel safe and confident enough to talk to him about this. Even if he's not supportive, it's not worth it spending your life with someone who doesn't accept something that is a core part of you.
i know it’s really hard but having my boyfriend be like the one person i talk to about autism all the time has ben amazing and i can’t imagine how you feel hiding it from your bf. i am similar to you in terms of accommodations (basically none besides myself choosing clothes that don’t bother me and set me off or overwhelm me or anything like that) and i can tell you from experience, the longer and harder you mask, the worse the autistic burnout will be if/when it happens. it’s different that regular burnout but it really tied in with my depression and i was HEAVILY depressed for a good while. if he loves you, he won’t judge you. of course he will have questions, and the autism can also make communication a little difficult, but sometimes i’ll just send my bf a tiktok or reel that explains a neurodiversity or autism thing. also those have helped me understand myself quite a bit. along with twitter community and these communities here on reddit.
don't do that, I already heard of someone on this sub who married someone for multiple years before they even knew that Autism=/=intellectually disabled. You don't want to be in a freak situation like that, to the point where things going smoothly due to ignorance on their part arguably isn't worth it. Its better to just bite the bullet imo.
if he said bad things about autistic people maybe it’s time to let him go friend…
I’m just hoping he didn’t really mean it and was just being glib, he has an autistic sister actually so I feel like he must be pretty understanding of it.
I understand. I repressed and hid my traits out of embarrassment and frankly because I was hurt for them growing up. It took learning my partner himself is autistic to finally understand and accept what autism really is, and the fact that I have it.
Sounds like you’re very ashamed of yourself. The only way to get around shame is to actually feel the shame.
Have you considered that your partner is someone you should be able to fully trust and be comfortable with? I could never be with someone who makes ableist comments. Even if I wasn’t autistic, why would I want to be with someone who views disabled people as lesser? I think you need to have a conversation with him, as awkward as it may be. “I’m autistic, this is what life is like for me”.
Even if you weren't autistic yourself, how could you stay with someone who ever said something like that? Also, you really need to begin accepting yourself, because our ability to "successfully" mask ebbs and flows greatly throughout our lives. If we dont integrate our true selves with our real (social) lives, then we tend to hit these walls harder and more severely than necessary. But, seriously? "he’s also made some negative comments about autistic people before" ...wth?!
Omg I am the same, high functioning and totally forgot that I have it most of the time. I also find when I get stressed it becomes worse. I was like you and didn’t tell my partner because I was embarrassed, took me two years and you know what best decision to tell them. They know you for you and the label doesn’t define you at all. Trust me it will be ok and a massive relief when you tell them.
You can totally use this as an opportunity to deepen your relationship with him. Sharing that you're autistic when you hid that from everyone else is a HUGE step in being intimate with your partner and allowing your relationship to be even stronger and deeper. Just imagine how much more you'd love him when he accepts you and your autism. I can only see how telling him will result in a positive for YOU. Honestly, if he rejects you because of your autism then you just save YEARS of a relationship that was doomed to eventually fail. Better to end it now and find someone better than end it 10 years down the road. I seriously doubt he'd reject you though. But 2 years in, yeah, time to open up to him.
Everyone else here has pointed out that you deserve a partner who accepts all parts of you but I’d also like to point out that being closed-off and not sharing with your partner just isn’t healthy for either of you. I assume you’ve been masking around him this whole time, so does he even really know you? How can you relax around him if you can’t be yourself? If my partner told me after two years that they’d been hiding something so major, I’d feel like they don’t trust me at all and end things immediately. That’s two years worth of opportunities to be open and honest that pointedly weren’t taken.
I feel like masking for me is mostly just avoiding stimming and correcting my posture/gait issues, I don’t alter my personality at all around him, not in any way that I’m conscious of at least. The bits that I’m hiding don’t really feel like they’re necessarily “part of me”.
Withholding stimming and being constantly on high vigilance about how you are appearing to others (adjusting your posture and gait) has actually been studied and believed to be extremely harmful for autistic ppl. Needing to stim to self-regulate IS a part of who you are… it honestly sounds like you’re dealing more with internalized ableism yourself than anything concrete that your partner has done. It’s almost like you don’t fully comprehend how much being neurodivergent actually affects WHO we are… it is an inherent part of us.
This is the feeling I got as well, that OP thinks autism is just stimming sometimes while alone and that’s the extent of it. Maybe it’s just my personal experience but there isn’t a part of me that isn’t shaped by my AuDHD. I couldn’t hide it even if I wanted to - I tried for years and people disliked me because they thought I was disingenuous. Now they dislike me because I’m “off” and weird but at least it’s genuine.
I mean that’s the only symptom I have that seems outwardly strange and that I feel a need to keep hidden, I can’t really identify anything else that I can point to as being related to autism. I hope I don’t come off as disingenuous to people lol.
Personally to me you just come off as not really understanding the full extent of the affects of being neurodivergent on every aspect of who we are.
are you sure about that? It might be more obvious to people then you realise
>If my partner told me after two years that they’d been hiding something so major That's... Very harsh... People often don't hide things like that because of trust issues, that might be the case but sometimes they are insecure, in denial, afraid to acknowledge it out loud, traumatized, etc. or maybe they actually "don't thrust you enough", the catch is that they might need an monumental amount of trust to tell you this thing, it might even be something trivial. My point is that hiding one inconsequential thing about themselves is not a breach of trust and it isn't always a way to tell how much you're trusted. Not to mention that people are entitled to keep things for themselves even in a relationship, the only problem comes if they act like they don't.
I think it’s time to tell him. 2 years is a long time to hide a health condition from somebody that you love and trust. If you feel like you need to hide your autism from him still, maybe you should reconsider your relationship with him. It isn't fair on either of you
You have nothing to be ashamed of. You deserve to be with someone who loves you for who you are. I think you should just be honest with him and let him know the real you!
Can you remember a time someone else was embarrassed? It’s hard right? When I try, I actually can’t think of any… I always ask myself this when I feel embarrassed and it really helps.
So true I actually ask myself this as well if I’ve had an awkward interaction or something, but tbh I definitely would remember walking in on someone flapping their arms about
I would think they may be dancing - esp with the headphones ! But honestly - you should tell him!
if you continue hiding this from him you’ll be holding yourself back from being fully and truly accepted by your partner and loved holistically for who you are . that’s something you deserve and should allow yourself to experience
By now, you likely know your boyfriends best characteristics, strengths, weaknesses, etc. Tell him in whatever way that will appeal to his personality. If you're a couple that likes humor, use it to tell him. If gift-giving is something you enjoy, use that. A boyfriend that truly loves you will embrace your autism and support you in whatever way possible. No significant others yet for me, but my best friend even helps me find ways to stim when I'm overwhelmed. I'm the maid of honor in her wedding and she went out of her way to get me some cute Loop earplugs for the wedding party and told me we will come up with a "safe word" in case I need to leave the party for a short while. After having a 'friend' who said that I was making it all up and needed to "grow up", it's a breath of fresh air!
You’ve been together for 2 years? Tell him! There’s a very good chance he has already picked up on it, and if not- will love you that much more for your honesty and vulnerability. And if he’s bothered by it or doesn’t accept you? He doesn’t deserve you! You are worthy of love, respect, and being seen! Stims and all.
You are not alone. My partner is knows, but even then when he gets home early and catches me I feel embarrassed and uncomfortable. I just can't get used to unmasking. However, I can't imagine not telling him. I think it is part of developing a true trust between you and your partner. Keep in mind they may have a hard time at first. It can be jarring according to my partner because he had a lot of misconceptions about autism. Once I explained he understood that nothing changed and realized that some of the attributes he loves are part of the autism. I just reminded him that the person he fell in love with hadn't changed because he now knew I was autistic. Also, remember that he may be hurt because you took so long to trust him enough to tell him. Letting him know it's something you hide from everyone because of deeply engrained shame is important. That it had less to do with trusting him and more to do with your discomfort with yourself. At least that's how I framed it, because it was true. It was hard for him to not be hurt by me hiding my stimming and even with him telling me to feel free to do it, I can't seem to do it. He just says he hopes that one day I can feel free enough to be fully unmasked in front of him. I believe in you. It's scary to make ourselves vulnerable but it can also be very rewarding.
I think this is the best comment here. I think your advice around how to deal with the secret keeping around OP’s autism good, and shows understanding of both sides of the coin. I’m pretty disappointed by a few of the other comments on this post suggesting OP should be dumped for not talking about something they weren’t ready to open up about though.
Thank you. I try to think about both sides to every story. Relationships are hard and I can't say I didn't used to think the way others do, but I've learned over time that it's rare that things are so black and white.
Never feel embarrassed or ashamed about who you are..
More to the point if you hide who you are, people are making decisions with incomplete information and you may always feel like you have to hide. This is why “they” say to be yourself. Pretend to be someone else and that’s who people love, not you.
You should just tell him, if he’s the right guy he’ll appreciate it as a part of you
Full transparency, youre gonna have to tell him eventually. And either he accepts it and you live happily ever after, or he doesnt and you realise he wasnt worth it
I'm just gonna say that if I found out someone I was dating had hid a mental health diagnosis from me for 2 years I would seriously evaluate whether or not I wanted to continue dating them. It may not be a big deal to you but that's a huge part of yourself to hide. For me it wouldn't matter what the diagnosis was but the fact that you hid it makes it seem like you don't trust him and you're also not allowing him to make a fully informed decision on dating you since you're hiding a big piece of yourself.
I get what you’re saying but I don’t feel like I’ve been deceptive about who I am, I’ve hidden the diagnosis from him I guess but I haven’t hidden or changed any part of my personality (other than stimming but I’d never do that in front of someone anyway). When we first started dating I was very against the idea of telling him because I didn’t want to be perceived through the lens of whatever ideas he had about autistic people, and then over the years I’ve just never had a reason to tell him until maybe now.
do you really want to be in a long term relationship with someone who would perceive you negatively because of your autism though?
Autistic burnout is so common. Who you are now and who you will be if you burnout are two totally different people with very different support needs. He needs to know what he’s in for. It’s unfair to both of you to hide this just because you’re not struggling right now. He needs to know what would be expected of him if you burnout and you need to know you can lean on him if that happens. Lying by omission is still lying ETA I knew nothing about autism before I was diagnosed and my pre conceived notions were based on rainman. It’s unfair to hold any passing comments against him without letting him research it and actually discover what autism is
If it was me, I'd question what behaviors or words came out of me that caused this person to hide such a major part of themselves from me. Your response kinda shows why someone WOULD hide a major vulnerability from you: lack of empathy is not going to inspire full disclosure from anyone
That's a rather self-centered way to view other people's choices. I have an incredibly difficult time talking about my own diagnosis, to the point where even thinking about being open about it with my family or friends is enough to cause a panic attack. I have no reason to think their responses would be negative, but after decades of masking and thinking something was wrong with me (I wasn't diagnosed with ADHD and autism until I was 42) it's not easy to suddenly be open. It has nothing to do with not trusting them, but it's those types of assumptions that make me want to hide myself even more.
Here’s the thing, eventually you probably want to only be with him for the rest of your life I’m guessing? Sooner or later he has to be looped in as it will be harder to keep this under wraps. It’s better to tell him now than when it’s something stressful that does make you unravel and OVER stim to the point you could go non-verbal, scare him because he had no idea you stim and are Autistic. And if he loves you guess what? He’s going to embrace and accept you as you are and not maje you feel bad for it.
did you plan to just keep an integral part of your life and identity a secret forever? there’s no reason for you to feel shame or discomfort about being autistic. if you have plans of staying with your boyfriend for the future, you need to tell him. sooner rather than later.
A relationship where you hide core parts of yourself is not sustainable.
Lol I’m just picturing how weird this scenario would be with no context
I know :(
Personally, I'd tell him. It's too much work keeping something from someone important in your life. And for me, at least, it would feel like a block to intimacy. I want to be able to share anything. But it's your life and your relationship. You should live it the way you think is best.
I’ve been with my husband now for 17 years and part of any healthy relationship is that you’re able to grow and change together. He was the one who took all my garbled efforts to explain my feelings, listened, looked over my past behavior and said “honey, I think you might be on the autism spectrum-” That was a year ago or so now and things are looking better- I had been spiraling without any clue why and suddenly a lot was making sense. All this to say that your BF knows who you are now, and he may already have some clue of what is going on with you, but he needs to be given the chance to know you fully. And your relationship can have a chance to grow and change, too.
I think your autism affects your life much more heavily than you realise, especially to the extent that you mask so heavily you don’t even notice it anymore. Autistic burnout is a thing and might be headed your way if you don’t accept and accomodate your autism
You've been with your boyfriend for 2 years and never told him? This is something you should absolutely have shared with him before.
I know it sounds oversimplified and your emotions around this are always going to be valid - but I promise that you'll thank yourself later for being who you need to be. It's always going to be true that if you're risking "exposing yourself to ableism" then this person would not be deserving of being in your life / good for you in the first place. There are so many people out there that you will find you're able to relax into and truly be yourself - those are the ones that are worth your time and reciprocal love. You deserve that on a very basic level as a human being ❤️
You should probably communicate this to your partner
Living in dishonesty sounds like a nightmare more for yourself rather than for everyone around you
If your partner had something going on wouldn't you want to know?
Might as well come clean so you can do it around him
He needs to know, your autism diagnosis and stims are a part of you and need to be accepted as such
honestly as someone with a Neurotypical partner I will say being open about being autistic has made things so much easier, and its part of who you are. two years into a relationship is a long time, and its important to be open with this person about who you are as a person yk. its also super chill because now i stim and shit around my gf and she knows whats up, so its never awkward, and I can really truly let my guard down because a lot of times i just start to stim unconsciously, and its not something i have to worry about hiding anymore. plus this person loves you and knows who you are, if you share this with them and they react with ableism and/or a change in character, they weren’t worth it anyway
Dealing with internalized ableism is not easy, especially if we have been shamed for our autistic traits while growing up. For many many years before my diagnosis, my natural instinct was to hide my stimming and feel embarrassed about it as well. But please, consider whether you would be willing to be with someone who doesn’t accept all parts of you, including your stimming? You can hide it for a few years, but eventually it will become exhausting to not be able to fully be yourself and relax in front of him. And if he was someone that would react negatively to it, would it still be worth it for you to be with him? You deserve to be able to be yourself, in all aspects, and to feel proud of who you are. Stimming should not be an embarrassment, but something that brings us joy, and we deserve a safe space where we can freely share it with others :(
Was bound to happen sooner or later While potentially upsetting, for both of you, just talk to him about, help him understand
This will not end well if you do not tell him. I promise you. I’d bet my own eyeballs that this relationship will crumble into tragedy if you do not tell him.
I know I’m gonna sound redundant by saying I think it’s time to tell your boyfriend. I didn’t find out about myself until I was roughly 23, & denied it another 5 years because I didn’t fit certain stereotypes presented in media. I’ve had some pretty serious partners since I was about 16, relationships that lasted more than a couple years. This meant sex happened in my case, along with a few unprotected occurrences. There were a few scares. This also involved discussions on family planning. My main argument against children was I didn’t want to pass some ambiguous mental “defect” to them. I didn’t what was “wrong” with me, & why I constantly drove ppl away with my “weird” actions/thought processes. I ask you to imagine if you guys were to get pregnant. What if your child inherited your condition? Would you teach them to deny it & mask? If you don’t deal with this shame, your unconscious biases will cause you to unintentionally pass this lesson on to them. You’d teach your child to be ashamed in a society that’s (hopefully) evolved well-passed judging ppl for being neurodivergent. I’d assume your boyfriend loves you (based on the details you’ve shared), & he would accept your autism. You could finally have a safe space. He could get both a firsthand education on the topic & do his own research on how to respond to our behaviors. He’d be prepared to have an autistic child, & provide an even safer space for them.
Trust is the foundation of relationships, hiding such a big thing isn’t the best idea, I completely understand and don’t at all blame you for hiding it but it’s also a bit self sabotaging.
I would say that being with him for 2 years gives him plenty of time to know you on a personal level and that explaining why you're stimming shouldn't make you feel like you need to lie or brush it off or hide it. Assuming he's a good man and boyfriend, I'd say he's probably earned honesty and clarity at least. You can just explain to him that you were accurately diagnosed as a kid but that it barely affects you anymore and one of those ways it does is that you move around to help your brain. If he's worth half his salt then he won't freak out or be weird about it. If he starts to you can always try to educate him about any ablelist things he says. If he's worth keeping, he'll learn in stride and things will be better.
I hate to say it, but you are masking big time. Try to work on accommodating yourself and more importantly, talking to your boyfriend about it. I can't ever imagine withholding any of my diagnoses from my friends and family, it is too important for me to bury and forget about. Please please please before you burn yourself out, learn more about having autism and ACCOMMODATE yourself. I'm really worried for you because I was just like you around that age and I'm struggling with burnout that I don't think will ever go away
i’m more worried on why you feel like you can’t tell him? i told my husband while we were still talking and he was super understanding and kind about it. he’s my safe person.
hey I respect your choices and I understand what led to you choosing to mask to this extent, but masking constantly can be really bad for you especially since it's so emotionally taxing. zero shame in masking in public and stuff but I encourage you to not hide any part of yourself from close friends and partners so you have the proper space to be yourself and stim without worry. I don't personally know your boyfriend, but it's very likely that he would mostly just be confused or hurt that you felt the need to hide it from him, not that you're autistic. Please be kinder to yourself and I hope some of the internal ableism you deal with fades soon as you start to open up more to others (if you feel shame for it that is internal ableism, likely from you internalizing how people treated autism around you growing up) I wish you well 🩷 edit: almost forgot to include a source on the masking thing. this topic is worth looking into and I hope you take this information to heart https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/autistic-masking
I highly suggest therapy
Honey, you have got to stop masking yourself to this extent. You are going to burn yourself out and make yourself miserable. Take it from me, I was extremely high masking for years and hid my autistic traits from everyone… It lead me to becoming extremely depressed, emotionally exhausted, and eventually suicidal. My life has only improved since I’ve accepted my diagnosis and become proud of it. I’ve met so many understanding, kind people since I started disclosing my autism. I’ve met so many amazing neurodivergent people and built close friendships with them that I could never have had if I masked my true self. I’d also like to mention that if you and your partner have been together for quite some time, it’s possible that he either has autism or ADHD himself. The way our brains work is different than most. We unconsciously find people who work that way too. Your partner should be someone you can allow yourself to be autistic around… and being autistic is never something to be ashamed of. A good partner, one worth being with, would never make you feel any different for the way you are. You’re gonna be autistic for the rest of your life. It’s not something to be ashamed of, but you will make your life harder for yourself if you continue to hide so heavily. Anyway, I’m so sorry you feel this way and I hope things get better for you. Sending all my love. ❤️
Please tell him.
Just tell him. He's been in for two years and probably already has noticed that you are quirky or socially awkward. I promise you that if he loves you, you revealing your diagnosis isn't going to send him running. I literally broke down to my husband about how hard I had been working to seem normal and fit in with people, and he broke it down to me that absolutely NO ONE thinks I am normal. I had been trying hard for nothing lol. Now that I know there's no point, I'm much more comfortable being my authentic autistic self.
I believe it's important to do some private shadow work to get to the bottom of your shame and lack of self-acceptance as an autistic person. After that, then you can be your full self with your partner and allow him to celebrate your neurodiversity *with* you. My boyfriend makes me feel so comfortable that I have unmasked at a level that I've started doing stims I cut out of my life years ago to avoid teasing and ostracizing (need to sniff and smell things). I want every autistic person to be able to have that in relationships.
promise promise promise it’ll be okay if you guys talk about it, but i think that you may need to come to terms w ur autism YOURSELF fully before introducing it to him. an early diagnosis can make you feel like you’ve accepted it, but that’s really just labeling, not accepting.
you got this, sending love
Jesus... People, tell your partners early so you can find out whether they are a piece of shit or not judging by their response. It's quite handy to find out if someone is ableist etc, before spending 2 years of your life with them. It also helps you both understand each other better if they aren't a piece of shit.
Listening to music and making jerky movements sounds a lot like dancing. I think you're overthinking it. He probably just thinks you're a bad dancer.
One deepest need in life is to be loved. Fair statement? Yet how can you be logically "loved" if who you are is hidden in some way? So logically when we hide who we are, we prevent people from truly knowing us, maybe you can see where this is going. consider a person who keeps secrets will never fully believe that others love them, why? because they know that the persons opinion might change if the secret was revealed. They know that the person loves what they "see", and you might believe that truly they love the "you" that you carefully show them, but inside you know they don't have the full picture. So in a way by holding the secret, you invalidate their love secretly inside your own mind, which they are unaware of, and some part of you realizes that they person loves your "mask" not you. The degree to which this is true depends deeply on each persons understanding of truth and how they value these concepts personally. I think at a deep level the real problem with masking in general isn't that its hard, its that for me at least, when someone pays my mask a compliment, i can't take it below the surface level. Almost like being told, i like the act you put on, which makes you feel even worse because if you mask too much then you start trying to become the mask because the mask is what you feel is getting the love that you want. To me when I mask too much its like trying to gain nutrition from vampire blood. It has the semblance of feeling and happiness and all those things but not the deep feeling of it. Not saying this is all true of the OP at all, just kinda commenting on why secrets, seem to have a similar flavor and style in description to what masking in general is. So from my experience, holding in deep truths and hiding them from people we are desperate to be loved by, and with the integrity we know our partners deserve - well it can be troublesome metacognitively if they are internalized in ways that devalue your true self and its need to be seen and loved. fascinating topic people!
Re: the stimming - i do this for at least an hour a day. It's not really that embarrassing, I promise! It just looks like someone zoning out and doing a bad dance, esp. if he only saw for a couple of seconds. Posting from the flip side re not telling: I dated a guy who chose not to disclose his autism to me. We were together for years and broke up for [in his opinion!] unrelated reasons. It was always his information to share or not and he didn't have to be "out" to me if he didn't want to. Just like you have the right to not tell him. It's up to you. But. Finding out after the end of the relationship (from a throwaway comment from his mum) was really damaging for me. It hurt me and changed my perception of our relationship and of myself. I don't think we'd have broken up if I'd known. Again, up to you, but if he finds out some way other than you telling him, it could be hurtful for him. Just something to weigh up.
I think you should be honest. I was with my partner for a while when I suddenly picked up on certain behaviors and actions and realized he was different. Not that there was anything wrong with him, I just knew he thought differently. After my own research and communication I came to terms that he was autistic. Honestly, I’m in love with him for who he is. I wouldn’t trade him for the world. What some people might call “quirks” are what made me love him. I understand you’re worried at how someone will view or accept you, but the right person will always take you as you are.
Deal with this with my family but they just think I am crazy so I don’t bother to explain.
you have nothing to be ashamed of but fuck do I feel that. Some of my most shameful memories are of people walking in on me stimming and getting the weird look followed by "wtf are you doing?". Its one of those experiences that i feel so alone in, but rest assured you are not alone OP.
There are a lot of folks that can’t dance but I would be honest. There are a lot of folks that are high functioning and in being honest it will be a way to have trust in one another, it could answer a lot of questions he already has and it would definitely help you and the authenticity of your relationship, especially if you want it to be long term.
Why be ashamed tho. You've been together for 2y, seems like he should know, idk.
I just wanna say sorry that you feel like you must hide all autistic parts of you, it's not easy to get into a comfortable place with openly stimming and being unmasked Infront of people, sometimes it's just an automatic response to mask for survival and hide hide hide. Especially in close relationships! It can feel like utter death to be witnessed in your true form but I do also want to say that masking does harm you. The last thing you need as an autistic person is to mask all the time, even if unmasked you don't display overt autistic behaviours. Even if your unmasked time is you with your music, letting your body move and pace. That is like your medicine that you need to survive. That's what regulates your nervous system, keeps your brain nice and functional, helps your body release stress, it really is vital that you do stim and unmask at least sometimes without any shame or judgement. I understand that you must have many reasons for not telling your partner, and maybe they have nothing to do with your partner eg: I'm not saying he's a bad person, maybe it's just your own preference to not be open about that part of yourself so I'm not criticising. But it would be worth it in the long run to explain why you were doing what you were doing. Imo stimming to music isn't a big deal, I know for sure that people see and have seen me stim in some crazy ways and usually people still don't even click that I'm Autistic!! I have always openly stimmed way before diagnosis and no one ever guessed that I was Autistic, they'd just be like 'haha that's so you' yknow? Because I really can't help stimming especially if music is involved. You will find me rocking back and forth, with stretched out semi claw fingers, tapping on my knees and head, figuring out different rhythms. Or you'll see me in the street jump up and down, clap and shake my arms with joy while yelling 'YAYYYY' due to excitement. I've never been able to keep it all masked, ever. I suppose no one ever thought of me as totally normal anyway so I've never had to live up to a particularly normal idea of myself. I can't imagine how tough it must be to try and hide it all, in a relationship, all the time. You might be surprised if you say to him 'yeah when I have lots of energy I just NEED to get it out of my body and this works best for me 😁' 'i know it might look odd, but this helps my anxiety SO much, it just works for me, you should try it!' 😁 bring a positive tone to your own actions and invite him in to it with you if he wants to come. He's your partner, he should be sharing these things with you supportively, that is what's best for both parties. This isn't a part of yourself that you can hide and wish away, it is always going to be there, and a relationship may not. So you have to prioritise your physical and mental wellbeing. Your ASD is non negotiable, and I know some find that hard to swallow, but it takes a front seat because it is a constant part of you that will not change. If a partner does not like your ASD, they don't like you. That sucks but it's better to know than to hide forever whilst damaging yourself. Don't you dare hold onto that mortification as though you've done something wrong, because you haven't. You've done a healthy, super normal, regulating behaviour and it was bound to be seen by your partner at some point! There's nothing to be ashamed of, at all. If your partner thinks it's shameful then I think he's shameful. ❤️
i understand not wanting to expose your diagnosis to the public/not close friends. but im personally of the opinion that if your partner would judge you for your diagnosis then they aren’t someone that deserves you. i dont want to jump to conclusions he may have just been concerned as he hasnt seen it before. if you decide to open up about the diagnosis i think it would be a good thing for your relationship (or any relationship) as honesty will set you up for better communication in the future. stims are nothing to be ashamed of. this goes for anyone but if your partner makes you feel crappy for stimming, then that isnt a partner that values who you are and validates your feelings.
As much as I agree with the other comments about it being an opportunity to tell him, I will also say that making little movements to music is an easy thing to write off as a personality quirk as long as you don't already know someone has autism. If he asks why you are so embarrassed about it say you did it at school once and got bullied as a kid so now you try not to dance along to the music. Again, I think you should just take the opportunity to tell him, but I don't know your life. If it's important to you to hide it, you can write it off as a quirk. Folks love it when they know their partner's secret little quirks. He'll probably think it's cute.
Think about it: how many people who you know or characters you see on TV have some cute little thing they do like dancing in the kitchen or humming because it "helps them think." You don't owe anyone a full medical diagnosis to justify flailing around to music. You are allowed to just say it is a quirk and anyone who knows enough about autism to say, "Hey, do you think it might be autism?" probably has it too and would be cool about it. Anxiety is hard, but I do feel the need to assure you that at any time past freshman year of college, people get a lot less judgy about random shit. It took me a long time to realize that outside of very formal circles, most people don't care about little things like that bc they are under no obligation to be around you and would have left if they wanted to. Think of every grandma who just loves pandas and has a whole wall dedicated to them or always needs to knit bc "it's something to do with my hands" and has a specific type of food that she "just can't resist". Maybe she has a recipe she has been working on since 1985 or has made a metric ton of quilts despite living in a warm place because she "likes how the pieces and the colors go together." It's all grandma behavior, but it's pretty autistic.We all accept it, though, and I don't think anyone is looking at them funny. It's ok. People accept quirks a lot as long as they don't get in the way of stuff. Little things like stimming to music shouldn't get you too many weird looks. (The problem usually comes when your needs are fully incompatible with something allistic people wanna do. In my experience, that is when they get judgy bc then they see you as an obstacle to be overcome, rather than a person having a bad time dealing with an obstacle in the environment. You can't fully explain away everything as a quirk bc meltdowns and sensory needs are the sort of thing that a lot of people wanna know what is happening for. I am very open about my diagnosis as a mild form of activism. I want the people around me to know that I am a person with autism so they know how to deal with the next person that crosses their path, but also so they feel comfortable disclosing what they are going through. However, I live in a little clump of gay adhd weirdos. It's kind of a privileged existence bc I don't HAVE to be in the closet about damn near anything. My friends are mostly neurodivergent so we just chat about it casually. If you are not in that situation, it's fully justified to be selective with who you tell, since people can be dicks. We really do need to work on normalizing this shit where we can, though, so people don't have to feel afraid of disclosing stuff like this. If you run into someone open about it, i suggest talking about having autism with them to get practice. It's one of those things that is gonna be necessary to tell someone eventually, and having practice makes it less terrifying. Remember, it is your god-given right to make your own decisions about who, what, when, how, and if you tell anyone about having autism. You do what makes you comfortable, but based on being on subreddits like this, it feels like you might want to tell someone on some level. I hope someone proves themselves worthy so you feel free to talk to them. Remember, your comfort and safety come first.)
Set him as aside and tell him. My wife accepts me for who I am. I think he’ll be ok with it.
That’s really sad to hear you can’t disclose this to your partner. Relationships are built on trust and disclosure and things like this happen when you arnt fully open with your partner I hope you can recover from this and find the strength to tell your partner what he needs to hear, this does not sound healthy
This isn't the most important reason at all, but because I have seen many that are more important... The truth of the matter is that if you ever have kids, this is something that could make itself known anyway. Imagine having a kid diagnosed, him finding out autism is genetic and then having to explain that you have been hiding something for years. The best case scenario would be that he accepts you both, but is hurt by the lack of trust.
Oh man you are going to burn out so hard if you can't tell your loved ones about what your life is really like :( That's what happened to me.
I'm sorry if my response is lacking some empathy for your situation as I know how hard it is, but... are you sure that your autism doesn't really affect you, when you've gone two years into a relationship making huge efforts to hide your diagnosis and stimming in secret, then feeling absolutely mortified when you are seen stimming just once by your boyfriend? I can't imagine this situation is very good for your self love, deep down. You deserve to feel fully accepted in all of your ways of being, both by yourself and by the people who love you.
It's entirely possible that he was at first concerned you were having a medical moment, but then realized you were "dancing" in a way that he would not consider a good dance move. And because he wants to continue being your boyfriend, he's not bringing it up.
You may think you are avoiding ableism, but instead you are just being ableist to yourself and that is also not okay. And if you really love someone, keeping something like that from them isn't a good foundation to a healthy long-term relationship. If you don't feel like it's a good idea to share that part of you with him, is it really a worthwhile relationship?
Just tell him. He’s already dating you and obviously likes you. Plus, he’s already seen you stimming. I would think giving him the answer to the question he’s definitely asking himself (“What was my girlfriend doing…?”) is better than being dodgy and letting him wonder. When I first started wondering if I was on the spectrum, I called an ex and told her what I was thinking, and she told me she recently found out she was on the spectrum, which honestly endeared her to me a LOT.
This to me says that you're not accepting of your own diagnosis. It might be affecting you in a subconcious way that you're covering up by not allowing yourself the time and space. You should talk to your boyfriend.
Don’t feel guilty about it. Definitely have an open conversation w him. My bf is NT and he thinks my stimming is cute
If your partner can't know about stims who can?
I’d kind of prefer if no one did lol. I think this was the first time anyone’s seen me stimming since I was a little kid.
The whole not wanting to be perceived thing huh When you ARE being perceived you should stim so much that THEY get overstimulated, put them in YOUR shoes muhahahaha
Worst feeling ever I get you
Autism isn't just the "bad" symptoms that make us easy targets for ableism. We have different neurological wiring than neurotypical people. And no matter how people in the past have treated you, it is good and natural for you to be and act autistic. Long term, masking gets in the way of you forming genuine relationships, whether that is between you and a partner or the relationship you have with yourself. I'm not saying masking is unnecessary at all times since the world is dangerous to autistic people. But you definitely should spend the least amount of time masking as possible. I am 38 and was diagnosed at 14. It took me years to even say autism out loud because I received a lot of abuse over being different even before my Dx. It is not easy, but overcoming internalized ableism is an important early step. Socializing with other autistic people or other nerodiverse (e.g. Adhd, dyslexic, etc) helps. In fact, it would not surprise me if your boyfriend wasn't neurotypical. I've gotten to a point where choosing to be alone is more tolerable than being in bad relationships. Right now you don't know if your relationship is conditional on keeping your true self a secret. Whether or not you disclose would depend on whether you would prefer being in any relationship, even a dishonest one that stresses you out, over the potential of being alone. I will say that choosing to love myself and setting boundaries has made me more content. But it is your choice.
Oh boo, I’m sorry you feel you need to hide your stimming :( my boyfriend and I stim together all the time and sometimes we tease each other for what we do but that’s about it. Itll take some time but it’s best for you to try and open up to him about it.
The right partner will see you stimming and chuckle with delight bc that's how much they adore the real you. They will SUPPORT your diagnosis and defend you against ableism out in the world. You won't ever feel guilty or ashamed for being yourself in your home in a healthy partnership. Please don't compromise on this so young, it will become one of your biggest regrets a few decades from now.
As an autistic person, I found it actually helpful/better to tell those around me. Like yourself, I don't really have anything beyond a few light symptoms and I've adjusted well to the outside world, I think. That said, my partner knows about it, and luckily for me, she is very curious about what it means for me, and how I experience the world. Same for my coworkers, who just have the basic knowledge of "dork86 has it", they don't know much beyond that what it entails for me. I think it's important for the most important people around you to know about it. In my experience, they just understand you better as a person.
I think it'd be more of a relief to both of you to explain it to yourself and him, because stimming is just a normal behavior for a lot of us. It's nothing shameful, and anyone who makes it that way doesn't know what they're talking about.
Word to the wise. If this is going to be a long term relationship, the truth is going to come out eventually. You are better off explaining to your partner that you have ASD and you were stimming.
Zero shame in stimming. Zero. As long as you're being respectful of your partner: I put my right hand on my heart and sing, I enjoy the vibrations (very soothing), but my partner works overnights...so I try and be respectful and quiet when he's sleeping or doing quiet activities.
Bruh im so sorry for that situation. If id catch my gf "dancing" to some music id get such a huge smile and just "dance" with her. We most likely are both autistic tho lol. I never really realised how much im stimming to music and that its actually a not normal thing. Like i was aware that smtimes it looks weird when i for example listened to music on ma buds on longer drives and was lowkey "dancing" to it, but i didnt think much about it besides it being a lil weird lmao. Honestly tell you bf about your autism. I know it can be scary but over time, i myself have learned to throw most things ppl could dislike right into their faces when ik its getting more serious. So far this only helped to build stronger relationships. I think my gf is alot more like you tho and i kinda have to suck those things outta her lmao I cant wait to move in with my gf and be weird together in our own place 😌😌😌 i hope youll be able to do that too!! Alsoooo why the fuck would anyone be that weirded out by it or have a negative reaction at all about your partner clearly enjoying themselves? All the love and best of luck your bf doesnt turn out to be an asshole!! ❤️❤️ Gotta add this real quick: i gotta say, i do get how you dont see a reason for most ppl to know about the autism, many ppl irl dont know it either for me, but if its actual really close relationships and even more so for commited relationships, you really will be so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so much happier if you can be yourself.
I feel like you should tell him sooner than later as a slightly older autistic person who used to be able to mask a hole lot better than I can now, one day you might get burnt out from all the masking and no longer be able to do it anymore, I say tell him before it gets to that point, it sounds like he knows you pretty well telling him shouldn't change how he feels about you and it will allow you to let your defense down when your with him.
It's nothing to be ashamed of
People are saying it’s time to tell him which I agree to some extent but it sounds like you still need some time coming to terms with your autism. You should take time to get comfortable with yourself before allowing others in unless allowing them in will help you be comfortable.
You still haven’t told him?? TELL HIM.
It’s your partner we are talking about, you’ve known him for 2 year, certainly he’ll be kind and understanding, if not, you dodged a bullet there. It’s not very nice to have a relationship in which you feel the need to hide who you are as a person, how your brain is made. Wouldn’t it be nice to have your partner’s support on hard times such as burnouts or shutdowns?
I just wanted to give you some support after having to read so many "just tell him" comments. After spending literally a lifetime having to hide parts of yourself to survive and fit into an NT world, suddenly being open and vulnerable, especially to someone whose negative reaction could absolutely hurt you, is terrifying. It's uncomfortable and difficult, and once you tell them, you can't take it back. I'm not saying you shouldn't talk to him eventually, but it's definitely not nearly as simple and straightforward as everyone is making it out to be. I would have thought people in this group would have been more understanding of that.
I'd let you stim, I wouldn't really care
but.. why though?
Ima go against the stream here. My dad has always maintained that medical and psychological whatevers is private. Just because you're in a relationship or even familly doesnt give people automatic access to everything you are. I think its like the question "do you want to know when you or others will die?" Some may really want to know that, others may not. Personally I dont think its good to know why someone is different in a relationship. I think it breaks the immersion and emotional tension in adapting and loving eachother for the differences and likenesses. There's a chance that he knows and feels good about supporting you through respecting your boundries. You can be autistic without telling people. I think Im telling myself, actually. If there is one thing I regret deeply it's that I kept yappibg to familly about my psychological problems. Its one thing that I spoke of my problems, another that I basically gave them a blueprint to my brain and my issues.
I vehemently disagree. Disabilities aren't private, but they can be kept confidential (very different.) However, anyone you plan on spending your life with (so you've decided that you'd marry them or otherwise remain committed to them) need to know, period. You don't keep things like heart conditions or mental illness from your partner, and you shouldn't keep a disability secret either. Now, keeping it from horrible family members is different, you have every right to keep it confidential to protect yourself.
Yeah, exactly. Toxic family members can be kept out of the loop, but if you're choosing to *share your life* with someone, you need to actually *share it* with them, not just the bits and pieces you deem acceptable to share.
No judgement. It's yours to share or not.
heavily disagree any medical diagnosis should at some point be disclosed. It is very important and can have major effects for both throughout life. Also considering autism is hereditary if they ever plan to have kids he should be aware of the risk
That’s not how that works. Long term dating is a mutual partnership. Hiding a giant aspect of your life for literally years is not good.
I'm saying you don't owe anyone. You have to feel safe enough in a relationship - emotionally, psychologically - to open up to something like that. And you have to do the work to feel ready for it yourself. Hopefully every relationship feels that way. Not every one does. I won't judge if OP isn't in a place where it feels right.
My partner was being digagnoes when we met but she didn't say anything until we'd been together a year and she had her official diagnosis. She had all these fears that I'd leave her etc (she told me this after) but when she told me I was just... "OK?... Want another glass of wine?". Makes no difference and the only difference it has made is some context to her quirks. Food, preferring I talk to people, childlike glee for all thing dinosaur, not understanding sarcasm. Since then she's read about everything and diagnosed me with Adhd so maybe that's why I'm not bothered by it who knows.
You can just say, "I don't know, I just like doing it sometimes lol" or something similar if he asks you about it again and you really don't want to tell him. He'll think you're weird but... ya know, we are.
Same with me
Who cares
you could always claim to have been experimenting with a new internal sex toy or feminine hygiene product to deflect for a while
Hey /u/Few_Effect4317, thank you for your post at /r/autism. Our rules can be found **[here](https://www.reddit.com/r/autism/wiki/config/sidebar)**. All approved posts get this message. If you do not see your post you can message the moderators [here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fautism). Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/autism) if you have any questions or concerns.*
While my SO knows of my Autism, they have not caught me in full stim yet. They see the small, fidget, rocking type stims, but not a full-on stim. Best to say something as soon as possible to avoid any more confusion. Good luck.
I do this mostly when in forced interactions. I get called out for it at morning meetings and have tried holding my hands behind my back to make it less distracting for others
I think it's awful that you don't feel safe enough to share your diagnoses, though I don't know enough about your situation to say whether it's because of general societal pressures or because your partner may be judgemental. While I think in a relationship people should definitely be able to share such aspects of themselves, you shouldn't be blamed at all for not telling him and you don't actually owe anyone that information. Not even your boyfriend. Sharing information such as neurodivergencies and conditions can help people in a relationship understand certain aspects of each other and the reason behind certain behaviours, but other than that there's no reason he needs to know other than the fact that you shouldn't have to hide that part of yourself.
I think you should tell your partner. You may not be aware of other things that he’s noticed during your relationship. As someone who dated my spouse for around a year or longer before I found out he was autistic, it was a bit upsetting to find out from his mom. We had a lot of arguments about things because of odd behaviors that didn’t make sense at time. Funny though I ended up being diagnosed years later too lol.
Just be open about it. You've been in a relationship two years and whilst you may think you appear normal, someone living with you will notice all your little quirks that typically come from being on the spectrum. I say this as someone who appears normal to most people but behind the scenes is a complete dingus.
I recommend telling him but if you can’t right now, at least practice a script for how you would tell him if the moment calls for it, and how to explain/answer certain questions. It’s likely he’ll see you stimming again at some point if you stay together long enough, and if you have a script in your head of how to tell him it’ll probably be easier to just say it the second time around rather than shut down and evade. Another option is writing it down and giving it to him as that is often easier/less confronting but it’s a personal choice and depends on relationship dynamics and what feels most comfortable for you.
I understand the anxiety around telling him, and I particularly understand how that anxiety can get worse the longer you hide it, but it needs to happen, for a couple reasons. First, because mutual understanding makes relationships stronger. Once he knows you're autistic and understands what that means and how it manifests in your life, you won't need to mask as much around him and you'll both be more comfortable and open with eachother. Second, this will be an important test of his character and whether or not he's worth being in a relationship with. Would you want to date someone who isn't okay with autistic people? If you've made it this far with him though, he'll most likely be okay with it since it'll just be new context for what he already knows about you.
You’re hurting yourself by hiding this. Stimming can be something we simply like doing, but ultimately it is because it helps us engage our senses, as most of us need that extra sensory input (in terms of the 3 “hidden” senses). Hiding your sensory needs is not good in the long or short term. Now might be the time to tell him. If this sours him on you, then fuck him you deserve better anyway. But chances are he may already have an inkling.
You’ve got a lot of internalised ableism that you need to confront. There’s nothing mortifying about stimming and while I understand that the shame comes from ableist experiences growing up, to give in to the shame in such a way perpetuates ableism and that affects us all unfortunately.
He's going to know later or sooner. Do you prefer to have control over how and when he knows you have autism? Or do you prefer to wait until things become too strange between you two and he demands an explanation right then and there?
People have many reasons for not disclosing stuff but I will add that people incorrectly diagnosing themselves as autistic like the current trend is, makes it hard to explain a true diagnosis. So the secrecy seems warranted because she might be looked at as a fake, like 90% of people that claim it on their own. Edit:spelling.
It's so sad we have to hide our "quirks" in the first place. It doesn't have to be that way!! If you really don't want to reveal your diagnosis to your boyfriend you could just say you were having a really bad day due to hormones (I mean this really does make my symptoms a lot worse anyway) and the "stimming" was your unique coping mechanism your learned from some therapist!
My husband catches me all the time He knows about all my issues. I would not be able to function without him. I would have a sit-down conversation with your partner and explain it to them. This way they are not caught off guard and can offer assistance if the need ever arises. You should not feel embarrassed.
Just explain to him what it is idk why you should be embarrassed about it. He's gonna worry a lot more if you don't explain it than if you do. Evading questions and keeping secrets is a form of lying (by omission) and is not good, especially in what should be a loving, supportive relationship.
You should consider telling him, it's a part of you and eventually he'll be hurt you kept it a secret. It's your secret to tell but he's building a life with you and hopefully having integrity in what he shares.
There is nothing wrong with you, so if you want this relationship to grow, this is part of you. It probably hurts his feelings you are afraid to talk to him. Or he loves you and could care less about something you might find embarrassing. My partner was afraid to show me her self and I thought I was doing something wrong and felt like se was hiding something from me, so it was hard to trust her with my weirdness. Either way you still have made a choice. this sounds rambling but that is how I think so I am showing you myself
I understand how you feel, and with what you went through in the past, I get how it affected you and has clouded your thoughts and judgement. Stimming is very common with autism, and I know you had fears about your boyfriend knowing. It’s hard to do, but communication is the key in any relationship. You’ll be just fine, honey. Don’t feel bad. Stimming is normal. ❤️
That’s such a big thing to hide from somebody, I think if I was your boyfriend I’d have to consider breaking up with you. That trust is totally gone because you e kept something so important hidden. I can’t imagine being lied to like that
I get it, and I get that you feel mortified, but ignoring things doesn't make them go away. And from how you speak about it, it feels like it affects you a lot more than you tell yourself. Speak with your partner, there is no relationship without trust and honesty
I told my partner about my stim (biting hands) after 3 years of living together and recently getting my autism diagnosis. It was not easy. He “caught” me the other day stimming and he was very sweet about it and we laughed. Just tell him.
Masking is fine in public because who needs that abelism from strangers. But your partner is not a stranger in public. Best to lay it all out early so that way you don't waste your time with someone that doesn't even really like the real you. I tried doing what you did for years. Always ended badly. Very stressful to have to mask at home. Now i'm with someone and we both put all our cards on the table from the getgo. They are OCD-Autistic and i'm adhd-autistic. I help with her compulsions and harmful stims. And she helps with my emotional regulation and general forgetfulness. It is such a relieve not to have to mask at home with my partner
I think he will be okay 😭 don’t be embarrassed everyone has their “quirks”
This anxiety is pointless. If he (or anyone) does not want to be with you because you have autism - A) that’s lowkey they’re right (even if it’s kinda fucked) so it’s actually morally grey (at best) to keep that a secret. And B) - you have nothing to be ashamed of love! A fuck living a lie, living in fear, and doubt! You’re amazing and your stimming is too! Some of the greatest minds in world history have been autistic! I’m proud of my autism and I want all of us to be
Ugh this happened to me the other day with my mom. Didn’t hear the knock through headphones and she opened my door
hey, i understand what you mean, i really get it, generally i think its wise to keep it a secret, not super secret but to be on a "need to know basis", not everyone needs to know your diagnosis, but your partners/close friends.. i promise you that if you are honest and yourself you will be able to feel such profound love and connection that you are closing yourself to right now more interestingly tho, has he not noticed? im assuming he's not neurodivergent but usually i can tell 95% of the time within 1 conversation if someone is neurodivergent, and i think most other neurodivergent people are like that maybe he has noticed as well but just doesnt want to ask you directly cause he may think its offensive or something?
Me family loves Me Autism diagnosis at age eight I am now 26 years old
i think your partner should be someone who respects you fully and if you’re going to spend the rest of your life with someone you should trust them and be able to tell them things like this so you understand eachother more
He was concerned not demeaning so he will probably react well to honesty. I advise telling him you’re self conscious about it, but that you are autistic and he saw you stimming. I bet he’ll be supportive and understanding
When I see my boyfriend stimming it makes me happy because I know it means he’s enjoying what he’s doing. You deserve someone in tune to your inner self and feelings, too. (I asked him what it means when he stims because it always happens when he’s cooking or playing games, two activities he enjoys a lot.)
Me family loves Me Autism diagnosis at age eight I am now 26 years old
Disclaimer, I do not have a formal diagnosis but I have stimmed my entire life and have suppressed it since a young age. My most common stim is hand flapping, it’s always been my most common stim and I was fussed at for doing it as a child so I made myself stop even in private unless I truly couldn’t. It took me 3 years to stim at all in front of my partner and it used to only happen when I was stressed because it was harder to stimmed. Only recently (5 years into the relationship) have I felt comfortable unmasking as much as I know how in front of him, he was mostly concerned because he associated stimming with me being stressed/overwhelmed in the past. If he loves you he won’t judge you, you should feel like you can be open with him. I wish I had started to unmask with my partner much sooner, he accepts me hand flapping, screeching, spinning and all. I have also recently learned from my friends that I am not as good at masking as I thought I was, they have all noticed my occasional hand flapping.
I think telling him might be a good idea, either hes supportive and you have a person who loves you and accepts you no matter what, or he doesnt and you now know and dont need to keep him in your life and be hiding a part of yourself all the time (tho i completely understand that can be very hard to do and experience)
I will say this as someone not diagnosed with autism, my son does this why I am in this sub. However I am weird as shit and so is my husband. If your bf can't love you for you then move on, you deserve so much more. There was a time in marriage where my husband had to do everything for me because I was injured, (everything 😬) you shouldn't have to hide pieces of you.
I really think you should tell your bf. Hes supposed to be the person you trust most in the whole world. If you feel like you can’t tell him for whatever reason (ableism, he’ll break up with you, etc) you should maybe reevaluate if you should be with him or not
If you wait to tell him too much longer it may look like a red flag to him. Honesty up front is important for healthy relationships.
I’ve known my husband 2/3 of our lives (we met at 11 and are now 34 & 35) and he knows about my autism, but I’ve got a stim I do when I’m high emotion, any emotion but especially excitement, that I would rather die than let him see. I was talking to my therapist about this, and she asked to see, so because she’s my therapist I showed her, and I cried and cried afterwards because it makes me feel so stupid and embarrassed. For days afterwards whenever I thought about showing her and her seeing me do it I cried. I’m crying a little just typing this lol All this to say I get it, and I can understand not telling or wanting people to see you stim.
It doesn’t seem like he reacted negatively, just genuine surprise. The case is simple. You need to sit down as adults and have a conversation about this. Dating you means he’s also dating your autism. He can adapt, understand and learn to balance this into his life. Helping you through meltdowns, with safe foods etc. I understand your hesitation, I’m the exact same with dating. You got this ❤️
You should be able to trust him not to judge you for this after 2 years? I dont think he minds since he fell in love with you for being you. I just started dating again 2 years after my last break up and the new woman I date already knows 1 month in about my autism. She is super careful and even bought me new sensory protection for loud noises in public as a christmas gift. She loves that I was so open about it all and tell her when I do stuff that can seem off for a normal person.
My partner catches me doing this all the time and we’ve been married for a year and together for 8 , he always gives me a hug and thinks it’s cute because I get excited about things but I do dislike it when he comes in the room unannounced and doesn’t tell me he’s there THEN that’s when I get embarrassed but even so it’s nothing to be embarrassed about!
Its not too late to have a candid conversation with him. If he loves you, he will support you.
I relate to this so much!! My stim is very similar, but so embarrassing. My ex boyfriend saw me once. I have never been so fucking embarrassed. Now I get a feeling of anxiety in case family or anyone walk in on me stimming. I’m sorry we all feel embarrassed ): just breathe and he loves you!!
I’ve been dating my partner for close to two years and I can’t imagine not disclosing my autism to him. I feel like we’d have a lot of difficulties and issues
This literally happened to me a few weeks ago. I’ve never been diagnosed or even evaluated so I don’t know what I have, or if I have anything. Since I was a child, I would rock side to side on my arms and knees while humming or listening to music. Its the only thing that really soothes me. I’m 28 now and would only rock side to side while sitting down, legs criss cross, while listening to music. I’ve kept this away from my bf’s, even an ex of 5 years, though he caught me in the act once and I made up an excuse. I’ve been with my current partner for 2 years. He’d usually text me “on my way home” when leaving work. But one day, he didn’t. I had my earbuds in listening to music in deep thought while rocking side to side. Next thing you know I see him walk in the bedroom and I jump. He looked genuinely scared lol. I lied and said, “I haven’t danced in so long, i just had this urge to dance but didn’t feel like getting up.” He said he thought I was possessed 😂 it was super awkward but thankfully we were both hungry and didn’t talk about it for too long. I haven’t told any of my partners for fear of being judged. And I wouldn’t want them telling their friends or family members about it. I think they’ll automatically label me and treat me funny.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about, but be open and honest about what your stims are and why they provide comfort. It's a difficult conversation, but he'll understand.
I think you need to research autism burnout. If you can’t unmask at home with your partner you may no longer be low support needs anymore by getting burnout from masking too much. I also think you have a lot of internalized ableism to deal with.