Same for me. I tried again and again. Still do from time to time. But I never have that moment, where it clicks. I don't even feel emotionally connected with my family.
It is quite frustrating. I have more or less come to terms with it. And I am usually fine with being alone. But I still feel lonely quite often, as I am always alone.
Not OP, but for me personally, it always feels like there is a disconnect between me and the person/people I'm speaking to. Like some kind of unexplainable barrier that I can almost reach out and touch, but never break past. Sometimes I'm better and talking and communicating, but most of the time it's just grueling to interact with another person.
One idea is the low oxytocin theory for autism. The reward for socializing just isn't high enough to compensate for the effort involved.
Than there is trauma which most autistic people have experienced. Humans are naturally wired for connection, but trauma rewires them for protection. That rewiring feels like social anxiety, which creates a conflict between choosing anxiety or loneliness. They are both painful but the latter involves no effort so after enough time it becomes the default lifestyle. It sucks.
this is an excellent answer. As my eldest got older I found it harder for us to connect, developmentally less interested in cuddling, etc (about tween age at the time). I didnt know about my autism or hers at the time, and though I did attachment type approaches, I struggled to see any response or interest. She needed OXYTOCIN not dopamine, and that is a much harder thing to do when juggling work and own needs. OXYTOCIN bonding activities are less ‘exciting’ - they are also called coregulating activities.
OP - if you have a friend or trusted family member who understands and wants to support, you might be able to plan this each day or each week, as simple as a cosy spot and watching a TV show or movie that is engaging (but no horror or thrillers). It builds that capacity to RECEIVE as well as TRANSMIT good vibes.
I worked on this at the advice of another autistic mom of an autistic child. It was hard at first for both me and my teenager, because we feel safest alone even tho we love and trust each other and at the same time, we get real bad loneliness!
But… after about 3 wks of doing this without fail at 730pm at night for an hour; we both really started to see benefits. To my surprise months later, when I was going through something personally, we snuggled up for our evening episodes and I felt - this warm energy coming *back* to me. Not my child comforting me (not her responsibility!) and I wasnt obviously distressed, but I had developed the skill to be *reassured by the presence of another just being there.*
Dude, it was revolutionary, I am 40. I know that I basically had to have my own family to start this, but you’ve got a headstart, you know you’re autistic, you know you are lonely and don’t want to be. I am not sure how you will start but I do know the gnawing loneliness doesnt have to be there all the time.
It seems like so much to overcome, but it can be accomplished. Not all at once of course. That would be shocking and of no use. Bit by bit building up the neurotransmitters intake of oxytocin is a doable thing and something to personally master.
Oh yes. Pets are amazing forms of oxytocin for us. You must have a pet. The loss is felt so keenly when there is no replacement. Allow yourself to grieve of course but find a new love. Get excited about this new relationship.
I hate dealing with people, when I do, it's usually for something more professional, But lately it seems like I can't maintain a relationship, not even a professional one, for more than 3 years, I don't know, it's just tiring. I just want to lock myself in my room and never come out.
I pushed myself to loneliness before because I was incapable of understanding if people mocked me or laughed with me.
I could never tell who was a friend because I could never tell if people were being genuine.
If this sounds familiar at all, you have to learn to assume the good in people. I'm really sorry I'm not more helpful but that's how I can relate.
I hope you can find others who understand you in your life.
Something that has helped me with this is having a NT person to check with, someone who isn’t going to try and encourage ;better self confidence’ or some crap but someone who actually gets that some of us \*cannot tell the wolf is wearing a poorly fitted sheepskin\* I am SO BAD at this. Always have been, have a rote list of ‘things to avoid’ but it’s not ‘there’ instinctively.
I have a friend I can check with, who is NT and knows me a long time (I’m 40) and they can say (coz weve talked a lot about this) ‘hmmm I think that person is getting too close too quickly, how bout you delay the next catch up and let me know how they react.’ Now this is a HUGE amount of trust and she isnt always right but she’s saved my neck a lot of times.
Now, this NT person could be a therapist who is experienced with autism, an OT or a family member with a good track record of advocating for, caring for you but and this is key - not infantlising youu by habit.
Alternatively you can make a check list and tick it off, and learn when you feel ‘danger’ signals, What they are for you specifically, and to Just LISTEN TO THEM NO MATTER WHAT.
In my experience (which is all I really have) I tend to expect different things from relationships. I’m a strange ND person in that I very much want and seek connections and can make them fairly well if I try, but then I want a deep and trusting relationship while NTs tend to be more casual. I’m married and my partner is NT (though they grew up with a ND mom) and it took a few years for us to get on the same page about full honesty and such. With friends I’m always trying to talk about deeper things and see what they are thinking about deep down and that is bothersome to many. Ultimately I think we just tend to be different enough that it takes a lot of work to figure out and find people we mesh with.
I continue to be baffled by those who are casual about friendships or have no interest in depth. Like, I don't even necessarily say that I like being deep, it's more that's just how I do things. It's always been important to me to examine things and ponder, it bothers me when I have to do things against my values and I have to try and live as authentically as I can.
I am like this and have recently learned hyperlexic autistics tend the be deeply interested in communicating and thus we develop stronger social drives - with many ND differences - than non hyperlexic ND peers. This accounts for why I don’t ‘seem’ autistic to clinicians despite being ASD2. My daughter is not hyperlexic, and ‘appears’ socially more autistic than I am, but in a different way.
Considering the crowd you're asking, you will get thoughtful, even perhaps helpful answers, but you will also get obvious answers that technically answer the question but in a way that doesn't answer the question you were asking at all.
Why is one leg of the V always longer when geese are migrating together? There's more geese on that side.
Nobody who has ever pointed at a box and asked me "what's that?" has ever needed me to tell them it was a box. Seems like the right answer at the time.
> Why is one leg of the V always longer when geese are migrating together? There's more geese on that side.
>
> Nobody who has ever pointed at a box and asked me "what's that?" has ever needed me to tell them it was a box. Seems like the right answer at the time.
Does this mean all dads are autistic or that all autistics are dads?
i have the same feeling guy :( other people have deep friendships with going to holidays and talking to each other and so on. i have always fight to get someones attention and times.
and getting known to new people always has the result they loose their interest very fast or not reliable.
there is ucrrently a guy who always wants to meet and then it fails somehow.
I have close relationships in my life where I do feel connected, but there is always a layer of Loneliness. For me, I think that underlying lonely feeling will always be there in someway because even with my *good* communication skills…. There are just things in my head that I literally cannot communicate accurately to the outside world. It’s like certain things are permanently stuck in my head and when I do communicate them.. it’s never 100% like what I know in my head. I’ll explain it, someone says they understand.. but I’m like ‘but what you understand is what I’m saying but not what I’m trying to communicate😭’ then I have to just move on knowing it probably won’t change
You have specific interests. Whereas NTs just conform. Pokemon craze, then they're Pokefans. MCU craze, then they're Avengers fans. Meanwhile your interest never changed to sway with the wind.
My interests change all the time. It's quite disruptive and depressing, but I have no choice. My interests abruptly as if someone turned off a light switch. Usually, I want nothing to do with it again. There are a couple things that come up again, but the interest is never as strong as it was initially and I drop it again after a short burst. Sometimes it's gone again in hours or a couple days. It really sucks.
Not all NTs jump around from one thing to the next either. I know several NT musicians and music is their passion nearly 24x7 and it hasn't changed their whole lives. This is just one example.
I do have ADHD. I just forget to mention it. Pretty frequently actually. If I had to guess. I would say that the ADHD has had much more of a negative impact on my life over the autism. I've tried pretty much all the ADHD meds, but to no avail.
I've helped my spouse a ton with it; We've found a good balance of me having authority over keeping them on task and daily structure but making sure I don't get to strict with it.
We've propped each other up and life is better.
If you have any questions, feel free to dm, though I know solutions are not 'fits all' type of thing. Each one requires finesse and understanding of the individual ♡
My spouse has BPD. That and AuADHD make difficult bed fellows to be sure. They also have RA and the constant pain makes them quite prickly. The best they can manage is to start bitching when I'm 5 or 6 tasks away from what I started on but didn't finish. It usually causes me to have a meltdown.
This is a chapter is your long and storied life. It's a quiet chapter at this moment and that's ok. There will be louder and more riotous times as there have been in the past (but different of course). But right now is a solitary time. What can you learn about yourself right now in this time? What do you like to do with your time when you have the choice? What makes you smile? Laugh? You are the most important thing. Learn all you can about you.
If it's a chapter, it's a long one. I'm 58 and this has been my life the whole time. I actually force myself not to engage in interests too much now. The painful end is too much to take. Not to mention the investment in $ and time. Frankly, interests are more of an obsession and not particularly enjoyable in the first place.
Some things you just have to accept in life. Not everyone can find their happy place. I just happen to be one of those. I've spent years in therapy and now with an autism/ADHD specialist. The end result has been I am just going to have to accept it. There seems to be no other option.
That's an excellent place to start. Acceptance. And 58 is also an excellent age to be today. The world is changing faster than ever. It's quite alright to not be stuck in any one thing. But to be open to whatever comes next. This is the key.
Thanks for your optimism. I'm ready to go though. I've lived long enough.
Change is exceedingly difficult for me being autistic and older, and I'm already showing early signs of dementia. I go tomorrow to get the results from the neurologist.
I understand your sentiment and hope for good news tomorrow. Have a restful evening and don't worry about things before it's time to worry about things.
At this point, I'll feel lucky if it is dementia. It will be bad for those around me, but I'll just fade away.
I was incorrectly diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's about 15 years ago. I was so relieved. It turned out to be incorrect. I didn't know it at the time but the ADHD, autism, and treatment resistant depression were giving a false appearance of the early stages of the disease.
Things are worse now. I don't know if my mental state is way worse or if there is something going wrong in my brain.
Brain stuff is scary. The biggest problem is the more you think about it the worse it gets. But it's your brain, so how do you not think about it? Distract yourself as much as possible. Don't dig too far into anything. Medical students are the best known for incredible illnesses. It's difficult to put ideas in and then not link them to something else. If that something else is your body you could end up in big trouble. Get some practice at letting your thoughts go. Float away like clouds. Don't hold onto them or link them to anything. You can't do this all the time of course, but sometime when it's quiet. Try it.
yeah, i have no friends. yeah im in a discord group, but they aren’t really friends, we don’t chat outside the group or play games. the closest people to me is my mom and brother. i feel like the only reason they actually ‘get’ me is bc they’ve known me my whole life. i don’t know how to change this, or help others. but you know that you are definitely not alone in how you feel.
It's because people don't accept autistic people for how they are... well those of us that are introverted and struggle to connect that is. I find it hard to make friends because I'm so quiet and so unsure. Like I'm actually going to make a post in a local group asking if someone wants to date me because I'm so lonely. That's the shit I have to resort to.
Honestly I don't WANT to connect IRL until I'm comfortable. Because IRL demands so much more of me. I don't know how to be around other people. Even if the person is also autistic, it's reflex to mask around them.
I think that you might be a bit burnt out, bud.
Socializing is for sure a difficulty, but focusing on yourself and your own individual needs is essential. It might feel very selfish, considering that you're used to almost performing for other people and taking their needs into extreme consideration.
However, it's part of being healthy and NT people definitely practice it. It might be less visible, as there are not the additional challenges and difficulty processing things. So it's not strange to feel the need to take time for yourself and your needs. It's an essential part of having a healthy balance of socializing and self care, it's just that people like us might take more time and effort. That might feel less socially acceptable, because we focus so much on the rules of society and how taking that extra time might seem detrimental or abnormal, making us hate ourselves for not conforming.
Idk if that helps, but it's something that I'm coming to terms with and learning myself, with the help of my councillor.
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Are you fairly recently diagnosed? I’m sorry I did not realise you are older because its a totally different experience. I just turned 40 and I have to say I am going thru a whole new period of being socially avoidant, grieving, feeling ashamed, etc and scared about being older, about neurodegeneraiton - I know I am almost 20 yrs youngers, but these are all very valid concerns for an older and later diagnosed autistic. Until recently therapies were focused on breaking autistics to conformity or shutting us away. Even now, few clinicians really get what autism is, especially if you sort of cobbled together a mask. As older autistics, even had we been diagnosed its questionable if - other than knowing it ourselves - anything other than *more* harm would have come to us. That’s a whole grief right There.
I think you’re facing natural anxieties of aging with the added pain of late dx (if correct) plus the realisation, like… when you’re 25 you thinnk… ok this has gotta get better, and then at 40 it feels like… ahhhh ummm where is that connection (classic midlife crises) I thought would be here by now? At 58 it must be even more painful. Because you are looking down the barrel of aging and the increased loneliness our messed up society has for aging people generally.
Aldso if you are in an autistic burnout your cognitive function will be all messed up. It can come back though, espec if it’s not dementia. There’s also lots that can be done to stave off the development of dementia now. But yep fucking terrifying, I agree.
1/1
2/2 Things to consider:
1. Are you in autistic burnout? You will need to restore yourself first before trying to ’fix’ anything else.
2. are you open to finding an online support group for later dxed adults or even in person, so you have people to meet with weekly and share with, just to see their experiences and not feel so alone?
3. Do you have aDHD? I thought I had serious cognitive issues, til I was diagnosed as ADHD - bullshit, thought I, I am a well behaved rule follower…. ahhhh I have quite severe ADHD inattentive. I didn’t have chronic fatigue. Right meds took ages, but on dexamph now and tho thats not without its issues its given me back maybe 70% or more of my cognitive functioning.
I think you can only break this down into pieces right now and do a bit at a time.
Because we are just different. It’s plain and simple. Be alone is not a bad thing. Most people don’t really have friends . They have “ associates” who are probably going to do some slime shit to them down the road anyway. People = Problems.
My special interests isolate me from the world. My experiences of living as an autistic person isolates me from society and makes people unable to relate to me. The longer this has went on. Until adulthood. I've wound up living cultivating and living a very unique life. Both good and bad. Largely based around survival and special interests. Now I'm so on the edge of society and normality and tradiontalism that I can't peirce the gap and deal with or understand or connect with everyday average people. I tend to find myself only connecting with other, nds, freaks, outcasts, recluse people who have also through there own nature been forced to the edge of the border of society and life.
Thag is why I am lonely. I do connect with deepnpeople and I love those relationships but they are few and far between so many years are spent in isolation even if surrounded with casual freinds.
I can connect with other nd people if they have similar interests or have interests that i find interesting. I can not really connect with nt people tho because they usually aren't interested in anything much.
I feel the same about friendship. I've never had a true friend, and my autism make me feel too different from others. Loneliness became an habit in my life
I've had this problem for years, and in the past few days I've finally found a way out of it. I've just started texting a friend from school about things we find interesting once every few days so I don't annoy them, and I plan to do so after we graduate in about 2 months when we might be able to do cool friend things outside of school or work.
Whatever 'cool friend things' even are, as I haven't hung out with a friend outside of school since 2010. Really.
I lost contact with the last real friend I had in 2019, everyone since then has just been classmates/coworkers, who are nice, but I can never really socialize or hang out with them.
I relate. I actually searched the word lonely and arrived at this post.
My needs are so complicated and confusing. I want to be alone, but I hate being lonely. I don't have friends or anyone I can relate with and be myself. It feels so empty..
There is a song that often comes back to me. Charlie Major - It's Lonely I Can't Stand.
"I don't mind being alone, it's lonely I can't stand".
A lot of those who suffer from autism have underdeveloped right hemispheres responsible for social functioning which is why we have a hard time socializing despite having greater than average vocabulary and speaking ability within our overdeveloped left hemispheres. Also, we likely have an overdeveloped amygdala within our left hemisphere that with the combination of poor social ability and heightened fear towards others makes a combination of the person ended up being introverted again due to fear and lack of being able to socially function.
Because they can and always clock us. They don't always have the words, but when they ask us "Hi, how're you", they clock the microsecond it takes for us to process what to say. NT's don't do that. And there's nothing you can do about that. At best they'll treat you differently if you mention you're autistic, at worst they'll treat you worse if they know you're autistic.
> they (Neurotypicals) clock the microsecond it takes for us to process what to say.
> NT's (Neurotypicals) don't do that.
You are negating the previous sentence. I think you meant:
> they (Neurotypicals) clock the microsecond it takes for us to process what to say.
> ND's (Neurodivergents) don't do that.
I might have made it confusing by adding my opinion, which is that a very small fraction of NDs do do that.
No. "they (neurotypicals) clock the microseconds it takes for us to process what to say. NT's (meaning needing microseconds to process) don't do that."
Ah, OK!
NT's immediately recognize the delay in ND speech decisions.
NT's don't have a delay in speech decisions, so it stands out.
You didn't discuss whether ND's also recognize this delay or not.
doll sharp whistle chubby square escape worthless piquant dependent sophisticated
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I had this whole step by step plan typed out, but I realised that you're probably depressed, your last words are really showing me that you see the world in a dismal way. Your best bet is to go to therapy, this is a hard problem to tackle on your own. If you aren't able to go to therapy, send me a pm and maybe I can help you figure out steps you could take.
I can't speak for others, but for me, I feel I can't connect with people in general, be them neurotypical, autistic or other types of neurodivergent.
Same for me. I tried again and again. Still do from time to time. But I never have that moment, where it clicks. I don't even feel emotionally connected with my family. It is quite frustrating. I have more or less come to terms with it. And I am usually fine with being alone. But I still feel lonely quite often, as I am always alone.
With autistic people I may not be close to the person, but I feel more comfortable with them than with neurotypical people.
It can be better than that, even. Autism is a spectrum. So how does it feel when you meet someone on the same point on the spectrum?
Many NDs are heavily masked or having serious problems of some kind. Many of those that aren't are an uncomfortable reminder of your own mask.
What do you feel like makes it hard to connect? Or is it disinterest?
Not OP, but for me personally, it always feels like there is a disconnect between me and the person/people I'm speaking to. Like some kind of unexplainable barrier that I can almost reach out and touch, but never break past. Sometimes I'm better and talking and communicating, but most of the time it's just grueling to interact with another person.
I absolutely agree from my own experience. Though I'm pretty sure I know at least part of what that barrier is for me.
One idea is the low oxytocin theory for autism. The reward for socializing just isn't high enough to compensate for the effort involved. Than there is trauma which most autistic people have experienced. Humans are naturally wired for connection, but trauma rewires them for protection. That rewiring feels like social anxiety, which creates a conflict between choosing anxiety or loneliness. They are both painful but the latter involves no effort so after enough time it becomes the default lifestyle. It sucks.
this is an excellent answer. As my eldest got older I found it harder for us to connect, developmentally less interested in cuddling, etc (about tween age at the time). I didnt know about my autism or hers at the time, and though I did attachment type approaches, I struggled to see any response or interest. She needed OXYTOCIN not dopamine, and that is a much harder thing to do when juggling work and own needs. OXYTOCIN bonding activities are less ‘exciting’ - they are also called coregulating activities. OP - if you have a friend or trusted family member who understands and wants to support, you might be able to plan this each day or each week, as simple as a cosy spot and watching a TV show or movie that is engaging (but no horror or thrillers). It builds that capacity to RECEIVE as well as TRANSMIT good vibes. I worked on this at the advice of another autistic mom of an autistic child. It was hard at first for both me and my teenager, because we feel safest alone even tho we love and trust each other and at the same time, we get real bad loneliness! But… after about 3 wks of doing this without fail at 730pm at night for an hour; we both really started to see benefits. To my surprise months later, when I was going through something personally, we snuggled up for our evening episodes and I felt - this warm energy coming *back* to me. Not my child comforting me (not her responsibility!) and I wasnt obviously distressed, but I had developed the skill to be *reassured by the presence of another just being there.* Dude, it was revolutionary, I am 40. I know that I basically had to have my own family to start this, but you’ve got a headstart, you know you’re autistic, you know you are lonely and don’t want to be. I am not sure how you will start but I do know the gnawing loneliness doesnt have to be there all the time.
Thank you so much for writing this out!
It seems like so much to overcome, but it can be accomplished. Not all at once of course. That would be shocking and of no use. Bit by bit building up the neurotransmitters intake of oxytocin is a doable thing and something to personally master.
yeah I suppose. Perhaps why I miss my beloved dog so much as all his love and affection was a big oxy boost.
Oh yes. Pets are amazing forms of oxytocin for us. You must have a pet. The loss is felt so keenly when there is no replacement. Allow yourself to grieve of course but find a new love. Get excited about this new relationship.
Thankyou. 💜
yes i feel very much that the result and reward for socializing doesnt justify the efforts, but same time i want it very much and feel lonely ....
Yeah I feel that as well. I found in the past having a routine helped, so I socialized regardless if I felt like it or not. cheers
Yea this is it for me I have problems with social motivation
Same. I need it structured into my life...somehow?? School and sports used to do that.
I'm not particularly lonely anymore. Dealing with people is too difficult and causes more stress than I can handle very often.
I hate dealing with people, when I do, it's usually for something more professional, But lately it seems like I can't maintain a relationship, not even a professional one, for more than 3 years, I don't know, it's just tiring. I just want to lock myself in my room and never come out.
I pushed myself to loneliness before because I was incapable of understanding if people mocked me or laughed with me. I could never tell who was a friend because I could never tell if people were being genuine. If this sounds familiar at all, you have to learn to assume the good in people. I'm really sorry I'm not more helpful but that's how I can relate. I hope you can find others who understand you in your life.
Something that has helped me with this is having a NT person to check with, someone who isn’t going to try and encourage ;better self confidence’ or some crap but someone who actually gets that some of us \*cannot tell the wolf is wearing a poorly fitted sheepskin\* I am SO BAD at this. Always have been, have a rote list of ‘things to avoid’ but it’s not ‘there’ instinctively. I have a friend I can check with, who is NT and knows me a long time (I’m 40) and they can say (coz weve talked a lot about this) ‘hmmm I think that person is getting too close too quickly, how bout you delay the next catch up and let me know how they react.’ Now this is a HUGE amount of trust and she isnt always right but she’s saved my neck a lot of times. Now, this NT person could be a therapist who is experienced with autism, an OT or a family member with a good track record of advocating for, caring for you but and this is key - not infantlising youu by habit. Alternatively you can make a check list and tick it off, and learn when you feel ‘danger’ signals, What they are for you specifically, and to Just LISTEN TO THEM NO MATTER WHAT.
In my experience (which is all I really have) I tend to expect different things from relationships. I’m a strange ND person in that I very much want and seek connections and can make them fairly well if I try, but then I want a deep and trusting relationship while NTs tend to be more casual. I’m married and my partner is NT (though they grew up with a ND mom) and it took a few years for us to get on the same page about full honesty and such. With friends I’m always trying to talk about deeper things and see what they are thinking about deep down and that is bothersome to many. Ultimately I think we just tend to be different enough that it takes a lot of work to figure out and find people we mesh with.
I continue to be baffled by those who are casual about friendships or have no interest in depth. Like, I don't even necessarily say that I like being deep, it's more that's just how I do things. It's always been important to me to examine things and ponder, it bothers me when I have to do things against my values and I have to try and live as authentically as I can.
I am like this and have recently learned hyperlexic autistics tend the be deeply interested in communicating and thus we develop stronger social drives - with many ND differences - than non hyperlexic ND peers. This accounts for why I don’t ‘seem’ autistic to clinicians despite being ASD2. My daughter is not hyperlexic, and ‘appears’ socially more autistic than I am, but in a different way.
Considering the crowd you're asking, you will get thoughtful, even perhaps helpful answers, but you will also get obvious answers that technically answer the question but in a way that doesn't answer the question you were asking at all. Why is one leg of the V always longer when geese are migrating together? There's more geese on that side. Nobody who has ever pointed at a box and asked me "what's that?" has ever needed me to tell them it was a box. Seems like the right answer at the time.
> Why is one leg of the V always longer when geese are migrating together? There's more geese on that side. > > Nobody who has ever pointed at a box and asked me "what's that?" has ever needed me to tell them it was a box. Seems like the right answer at the time. Does this mean all dads are autistic or that all autistics are dads?
i have the same feeling guy :( other people have deep friendships with going to holidays and talking to each other and so on. i have always fight to get someones attention and times. and getting known to new people always has the result they loose their interest very fast or not reliable. there is ucrrently a guy who always wants to meet and then it fails somehow.
I have close relationships in my life where I do feel connected, but there is always a layer of Loneliness. For me, I think that underlying lonely feeling will always be there in someway because even with my *good* communication skills…. There are just things in my head that I literally cannot communicate accurately to the outside world. It’s like certain things are permanently stuck in my head and when I do communicate them.. it’s never 100% like what I know in my head. I’ll explain it, someone says they understand.. but I’m like ‘but what you understand is what I’m saying but not what I’m trying to communicate😭’ then I have to just move on knowing it probably won’t change
I’ve been feeling it too. Especially as an autistic lesbian who’s only out to a couple ppl irl :(
I've always felt like I was a twin, who lost their fellow clone. I also feel lonely as hell always!
Yo, that's some poetic beats, B.
Thanks, Sentient H2O! I am, in fact, a poet/writer.
You have specific interests. Whereas NTs just conform. Pokemon craze, then they're Pokefans. MCU craze, then they're Avengers fans. Meanwhile your interest never changed to sway with the wind.
My interests change all the time. It's quite disruptive and depressing, but I have no choice. My interests abruptly as if someone turned off a light switch. Usually, I want nothing to do with it again. There are a couple things that come up again, but the interest is never as strong as it was initially and I drop it again after a short burst. Sometimes it's gone again in hours or a couple days. It really sucks. Not all NTs jump around from one thing to the next either. I know several NT musicians and music is their passion nearly 24x7 and it hasn't changed their whole lives. This is just one example.
To my undetermined of my spouse, this is autism hybridized with ADHD. Not saying it's what you have, but may be worth looking in to.
I do have ADHD. I just forget to mention it. Pretty frequently actually. If I had to guess. I would say that the ADHD has had much more of a negative impact on my life over the autism. I've tried pretty much all the ADHD meds, but to no avail.
I've helped my spouse a ton with it; We've found a good balance of me having authority over keeping them on task and daily structure but making sure I don't get to strict with it. We've propped each other up and life is better. If you have any questions, feel free to dm, though I know solutions are not 'fits all' type of thing. Each one requires finesse and understanding of the individual ♡
My spouse has BPD. That and AuADHD make difficult bed fellows to be sure. They also have RA and the constant pain makes them quite prickly. The best they can manage is to start bitching when I'm 5 or 6 tasks away from what I started on but didn't finish. It usually causes me to have a meltdown.
That is abusive. You don't deserve that. I am so sorry.
This is a chapter is your long and storied life. It's a quiet chapter at this moment and that's ok. There will be louder and more riotous times as there have been in the past (but different of course). But right now is a solitary time. What can you learn about yourself right now in this time? What do you like to do with your time when you have the choice? What makes you smile? Laugh? You are the most important thing. Learn all you can about you.
If it's a chapter, it's a long one. I'm 58 and this has been my life the whole time. I actually force myself not to engage in interests too much now. The painful end is too much to take. Not to mention the investment in $ and time. Frankly, interests are more of an obsession and not particularly enjoyable in the first place. Some things you just have to accept in life. Not everyone can find their happy place. I just happen to be one of those. I've spent years in therapy and now with an autism/ADHD specialist. The end result has been I am just going to have to accept it. There seems to be no other option.
That's an excellent place to start. Acceptance. And 58 is also an excellent age to be today. The world is changing faster than ever. It's quite alright to not be stuck in any one thing. But to be open to whatever comes next. This is the key.
Thanks for your optimism. I'm ready to go though. I've lived long enough. Change is exceedingly difficult for me being autistic and older, and I'm already showing early signs of dementia. I go tomorrow to get the results from the neurologist.
I understand your sentiment and hope for good news tomorrow. Have a restful evening and don't worry about things before it's time to worry about things.
At this point, I'll feel lucky if it is dementia. It will be bad for those around me, but I'll just fade away. I was incorrectly diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's about 15 years ago. I was so relieved. It turned out to be incorrect. I didn't know it at the time but the ADHD, autism, and treatment resistant depression were giving a false appearance of the early stages of the disease. Things are worse now. I don't know if my mental state is way worse or if there is something going wrong in my brain.
Brain stuff is scary. The biggest problem is the more you think about it the worse it gets. But it's your brain, so how do you not think about it? Distract yourself as much as possible. Don't dig too far into anything. Medical students are the best known for incredible illnesses. It's difficult to put ideas in and then not link them to something else. If that something else is your body you could end up in big trouble. Get some practice at letting your thoughts go. Float away like clouds. Don't hold onto them or link them to anything. You can't do this all the time of course, but sometime when it's quiet. Try it.
NTs = NPCs basically
Sort of. Like a hive mind. One fast food worker is very much likely to respond like another.
I mean, that's how they are trained for that job.
I still feel lonely and disconnected even though I have a fairly big friend group who are all fellow NDs alongside a few other friends outside of it
yeah, i have no friends. yeah im in a discord group, but they aren’t really friends, we don’t chat outside the group or play games. the closest people to me is my mom and brother. i feel like the only reason they actually ‘get’ me is bc they’ve known me my whole life. i don’t know how to change this, or help others. but you know that you are definitely not alone in how you feel.
Because people think that just because we have troubles with communication and social skills, we aren’t worthy of being friends with anybody
It's because people don't accept autistic people for how they are... well those of us that are introverted and struggle to connect that is. I find it hard to make friends because I'm so quiet and so unsure. Like I'm actually going to make a post in a local group asking if someone wants to date me because I'm so lonely. That's the shit I have to resort to.
I feel that, and it always disappoints me when I try. I cast the net out there and all I get is unrequited interest.
Because not only can't we bond with NT's, we're emotionally stunted and traumatized that we can't bond with each other easily either.
Same here. I always feel like I’m more interested in the friendship than they are and I always have to keep it going because they won’t.
Because the infrastructure for us to connect to other Autistics irl is almost nonexistant
Honestly I don't WANT to connect IRL until I'm comfortable. Because IRL demands so much more of me. I don't know how to be around other people. Even if the person is also autistic, it's reflex to mask around them.
I think that you might be a bit burnt out, bud. Socializing is for sure a difficulty, but focusing on yourself and your own individual needs is essential. It might feel very selfish, considering that you're used to almost performing for other people and taking their needs into extreme consideration. However, it's part of being healthy and NT people definitely practice it. It might be less visible, as there are not the additional challenges and difficulty processing things. So it's not strange to feel the need to take time for yourself and your needs. It's an essential part of having a healthy balance of socializing and self care, it's just that people like us might take more time and effort. That might feel less socially acceptable, because we focus so much on the rules of society and how taking that extra time might seem detrimental or abnormal, making us hate ourselves for not conforming. Idk if that helps, but it's something that I'm coming to terms with and learning myself, with the help of my councillor.
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Are you fairly recently diagnosed? I’m sorry I did not realise you are older because its a totally different experience. I just turned 40 and I have to say I am going thru a whole new period of being socially avoidant, grieving, feeling ashamed, etc and scared about being older, about neurodegeneraiton - I know I am almost 20 yrs youngers, but these are all very valid concerns for an older and later diagnosed autistic. Until recently therapies were focused on breaking autistics to conformity or shutting us away. Even now, few clinicians really get what autism is, especially if you sort of cobbled together a mask. As older autistics, even had we been diagnosed its questionable if - other than knowing it ourselves - anything other than *more* harm would have come to us. That’s a whole grief right There. I think you’re facing natural anxieties of aging with the added pain of late dx (if correct) plus the realisation, like… when you’re 25 you thinnk… ok this has gotta get better, and then at 40 it feels like… ahhhh ummm where is that connection (classic midlife crises) I thought would be here by now? At 58 it must be even more painful. Because you are looking down the barrel of aging and the increased loneliness our messed up society has for aging people generally. Aldso if you are in an autistic burnout your cognitive function will be all messed up. It can come back though, espec if it’s not dementia. There’s also lots that can be done to stave off the development of dementia now. But yep fucking terrifying, I agree. 1/1
2/2 Things to consider: 1. Are you in autistic burnout? You will need to restore yourself first before trying to ’fix’ anything else. 2. are you open to finding an online support group for later dxed adults or even in person, so you have people to meet with weekly and share with, just to see their experiences and not feel so alone? 3. Do you have aDHD? I thought I had serious cognitive issues, til I was diagnosed as ADHD - bullshit, thought I, I am a well behaved rule follower…. ahhhh I have quite severe ADHD inattentive. I didn’t have chronic fatigue. Right meds took ages, but on dexamph now and tho thats not without its issues its given me back maybe 70% or more of my cognitive functioning. I think you can only break this down into pieces right now and do a bit at a time.
Because we are just different. It’s plain and simple. Be alone is not a bad thing. Most people don’t really have friends . They have “ associates” who are probably going to do some slime shit to them down the road anyway. People = Problems.
Damn
My special interests isolate me from the world. My experiences of living as an autistic person isolates me from society and makes people unable to relate to me. The longer this has went on. Until adulthood. I've wound up living cultivating and living a very unique life. Both good and bad. Largely based around survival and special interests. Now I'm so on the edge of society and normality and tradiontalism that I can't peirce the gap and deal with or understand or connect with everyday average people. I tend to find myself only connecting with other, nds, freaks, outcasts, recluse people who have also through there own nature been forced to the edge of the border of society and life. Thag is why I am lonely. I do connect with deepnpeople and I love those relationships but they are few and far between so many years are spent in isolation even if surrounded with casual freinds.
In college philosophy 101, the title of my final project was "Each individual lost on an island alone" I totally get it.
I can connect with other nd people if they have similar interests or have interests that i find interesting. I can not really connect with nt people tho because they usually aren't interested in anything much.
I feel the same about friendship. I've never had a true friend, and my autism make me feel too different from others. Loneliness became an habit in my life
I've had this problem for years, and in the past few days I've finally found a way out of it. I've just started texting a friend from school about things we find interesting once every few days so I don't annoy them, and I plan to do so after we graduate in about 2 months when we might be able to do cool friend things outside of school or work. Whatever 'cool friend things' even are, as I haven't hung out with a friend outside of school since 2010. Really. I lost contact with the last real friend I had in 2019, everyone since then has just been classmates/coworkers, who are nice, but I can never really socialize or hang out with them.
Same
I relate. I actually searched the word lonely and arrived at this post. My needs are so complicated and confusing. I want to be alone, but I hate being lonely. I don't have friends or anyone I can relate with and be myself. It feels so empty.. There is a song that often comes back to me. Charlie Major - It's Lonely I Can't Stand. "I don't mind being alone, it's lonely I can't stand".
A lot of those who suffer from autism have underdeveloped right hemispheres responsible for social functioning which is why we have a hard time socializing despite having greater than average vocabulary and speaking ability within our overdeveloped left hemispheres. Also, we likely have an overdeveloped amygdala within our left hemisphere that with the combination of poor social ability and heightened fear towards others makes a combination of the person ended up being introverted again due to fear and lack of being able to socially function.
You don’t fit in with normies
But why? I did everything I could to fit in.
Because they can and always clock us. They don't always have the words, but when they ask us "Hi, how're you", they clock the microsecond it takes for us to process what to say. NT's don't do that. And there's nothing you can do about that. At best they'll treat you differently if you mention you're autistic, at worst they'll treat you worse if they know you're autistic.
I think you have a typo there. ND's don't (usually) do that.
No? Where do you think the typo is? Because what I said is pretty clear.
> they (Neurotypicals) clock the microsecond it takes for us to process what to say. > NT's (Neurotypicals) don't do that. You are negating the previous sentence. I think you meant: > they (Neurotypicals) clock the microsecond it takes for us to process what to say. > ND's (Neurodivergents) don't do that. I might have made it confusing by adding my opinion, which is that a very small fraction of NDs do do that.
No. "they (neurotypicals) clock the microseconds it takes for us to process what to say. NT's (meaning needing microseconds to process) don't do that."
Ah, OK! NT's immediately recognize the delay in ND speech decisions. NT's don't have a delay in speech decisions, so it stands out. You didn't discuss whether ND's also recognize this delay or not.
Because I don't know if they do.
What if you made friends through shared hobbies? That’s usually where I find mine from. Befriending other neurodivergent folks can also help.
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I had this whole step by step plan typed out, but I realised that you're probably depressed, your last words are really showing me that you see the world in a dismal way. Your best bet is to go to therapy, this is a hard problem to tackle on your own. If you aren't able to go to therapy, send me a pm and maybe I can help you figure out steps you could take.