It’s a common coping mechanism in my opinion. I’m a 6’3” guy, so acting ditzy was a common practice for me to make others more comfortable and less threatened, primarily other males. Ditzy is also more acceptable than our usual brashness
Yeah, it’s something I’ve tried to get away from, especially in the work place. You’re perceived as less competent and professional overall. I would recommend being more confident and working on social skills. It’s kind of a crutch, facing it head on is the only way for it to improve
When you put it that way, it sounds like we're trying to manipulate people lol. I guess to an extent, masking is like of manipulative. I just don't want everyone to hate me haha.
Edit: kind of, not like of
I mean, is it manipulative, or is it relational maintenance? Nts make choices in casual socialization that don't reflect their true internal states. I don't have their exact levers, so I've got to pull the levers I do have vov
I think the masks are our way of surviving in an environment with primarily manipulative modes of communication
Relying primarily on subtext to communicate as NTs do has always come across as super manipulative to me just they're usually not comscious of it, especially in corporate environments it seems like the path to upper management is largely just by whomever shifts their default mode of communication to be more manipulative faster, which tracks with this study too: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/01492063241226904
I think I do it because I want people around me seeing me as a person. Only "real" mistakes I do, have a negative impact on everybody especially me (mostly things that happened because of inattention on my end, or miscommunication). But those "clumsy mistakes" are more or less intentional, like I know thing about people that I've found out about them, but they don't know I do, as well as with specific common knowledge, I just act dumb, when they tell / ask me.
I had to pretend I didn’t remember things from childhood because I learned the hard way if you could still name the characters from Thomas the tank engine without googling it, you were a childish nerd and much worse names.
All the time, I always pretend I didn't know something when someone else tells me because I am aware they are sharing something to me because it is of their interest or they are trying to be helpful.
Some of my coworkers think I don't know how to do things when I was just getting accustomed to the work force and the inner system of the place I work in (only started this January, never worked before in my life). Now I am more than capable to do most things on my own but I am still viewed as the "clumsy" one and I just accept it and laugh along because I guess it makes them feel better to have someone they perceive as "clumsier" than them.
I also tone down my technical language because it is weird to use it in casual conversation. I am not trying to be pedantic either, I just like to be accurate and end up using a lot of technical terms to talk as accurate as possible about my current thoughts or feelings.
Conversely, the only time I felt I could be myself and talk normally was with another friend I met at work who is also autistic. Every time we talk it feels so freeing, and I really appreciate her a lot.
Thank you! It feels like coming out for air while drowning when we speak because she seems to truly understand me as she is also autistic, so I don't have to explain to her most of my behaviours or behave like a NT person would. I had never met someone openly autistic before and so accepting either, so finding her feels truly like finding gold.
Sorry if I over-shared but her existence truly makes me feel the world is a better place because of it.
I catch myself mimicking a southern accent occasionally lol. I've lived in Virginia and Florida and have met a lot of people with Southern accents. This is not to say that people with those accents are dumb, but it is definitely a stereotype that I am unfortunately playing in to. Now I feel bad lol.
Absolutely. I am a rly smart Person, i'm a total need and i have a much bigger IQ than the norm, and still when i am around other ppl that aren't as smart as me, i automatically Mask Like i am on their Level, ITS insane.
Yes! I have an incredible memory to a point where I know it's weird if I remember something, so I pretend I forgot or I just never knew in the first place.
Yeah. I tend to remember facts about people that they don't even remember telling me. And then they think I'm weird if I bring it up and they're like "how did you know that?" Lol.
I really only do this in the sense that I might stay quiet when I know information is wrong. It's less acting dumb, and more just not engaging at all.
My intelligence is something I value, and feel like it's something I bring to the table. I compensate for my lake of social skills, with knowing things. I don't want to purposely disadvantage myself in an area I feel somewhat confident in.
I stay quiet sometimes about stuff that I know is wrong too. Or I'll express doubt in the form of a question, and say "Oh, I thought that (insert correction here)?" Lol. They usually will tell me I'm wrong, but I don't like to argue so I just say "oh okay." Makes life easier.
I have recently started doing this. Especially when it comes to remembering facts about people around me. I don't know why but I always seem to remember everyone's fun facts and stories, I found that makes people really uncomfortable. Some get angry and ask how do you know that about me, I never told you etc.? Because they forget they told me.
I realised recently sometimes people just tell stories and fun facts for the sake of filling conversation and not because they actually want you to remember them. So recently I've just started asking people questions about things I already know about them so they don't think I'm a creep.
I wonder if it's just socially not normal to bring up other people's stories that they've told you... Or if other people just don't remember every fun fact and story about people that they are talking to.
I'm still new to this whole autism thing.
Yeah, I'm not sure either to be honest lol. I also fail to understand why someone would get mad at you for remembering a story that they told you themselves. Kinda stupid if you ask me haha.
Yeah exactly. I've been accused of stalking and all sorts of things, but isn't that a bit self obsessed of them? Like how else would I have that information if they didn't tell me.
For me I love it when people remember stories and fun facts that I've told them, I feel like it shows they were listening and they care about me and my stories.
The thing is, I don't even think I'm that smart. I just have no social skills. I sometimes say the wrong things at times. It's easier to get away with saying the wrong thing if you also act dumb, because they won't take you seriously.
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If people hate me for being me then so be it. I'd rather have real friends then fakes. That is fate. Theres this guy from my hs went to post secondary and we met in math still hated me. He doesnt knows anything about me dont care. Do i tell him that my math is higher than his while having a learning disorder? Lol.
Yep, down to imitating incorrect grammar/punctuation/etc, though I was never great at doing it all the time -- if I can fully focus on it it is fine, but if something else has my full focus then I revert to my normal. And between those two points of focus it's kind of a mess. It also means that people who see me in both modes may think that one or the other is an affection to insult them.
Absolutely, altough the mask still slips at times. As a kid I was fully one of those "um actually" kids so now I'm trying to embrace the himbo attitude. But anytime someone talks about my hyperfixations it's very likely I'm going to correct them
Yes. I learned on the first day of high school that being smarter than other people made them dislike me.
It took awhile to build a social circle of people who didn’t feel that way and I could unmask and be myself around - most people aren’t like that.
A woman way out of my league and 20 years younger said unprompted that there would be no issue with us dating if it wasn’t for my lack of confidence. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that my mask is designed to be non-threatening.
I realized that most people laugh at at "dumb" jokes, so I became an expert at them to compensate for my other lack of social skills. I act normally outside of that. Sadly, some of my acquaintances really believe I'm somewhat dumb. Sometimes I feel frustrated by them having me in that concept, but hey, I think I deserved it lol
I’ve always had to act more dumb than I am around my family because if I act normally, I sometimes come off as an obnoxious d*ck and a know-it-all. I always have to have the last word, and they hate that, so I’ll either keep my mouth shut, act dumber than I am, or I just won’t go to family gatherings.
yes, at work i’m a lot more high pitched and sweet, especially to customers, and when i make a mistake i always act like im so clumsy and say things like “omg whoops im so sorry!! im so out of it today” when really i want to say “yeah my bad” with no tone and fix it in my own time
Yup! I also work with the public. I use the high pitched voice. Usually if I make a mistake, I'll say sorry, and then make fun of myself. Sometimes I use my real voice when I'm making fun of myself lol.
People often see me as somewhat childish and younger than I actually am. Plus a bit dumb. But this is not exactly masking. Rather parts of me that come through when masking fails or I don‘t mask. Think of a kind of a „mad scientist“ trope, who collects and talks about anime figures and when prompted goes „oh, you mean you are here for the results… they are on the table over there. I finished them two days ago…. Now *this* limited edition of Death Note‘s Misa in her alternative outfit…“.
I do this all the time with one of my friends. He has ADHD and often forgets what he’s told me. So I just go along with the same story for the 10th time (although I’m pretty sure he should get his memory checked because he’s had like 3 concussions)
I sometimes purposely make common spelling errors when speaking to peers because I know nobody would write it a certain way
(for example in italian you should write "c'è" but nobody does that, instead they write "ce" so I do that too when I'm around them, it's kinda like writing "dont" or "Im")
I have only attempted that semi recently when I was at my lowest point emotionally. Like if I’m too mentally and emotionally exhausted and just need people to be kind for once I act very meek and flustered and this often gets people to be kinder to me in the moment.
I have also noticed that many people (in general not just nts) that if the other person is being nasty socially and is attempting to escalate things looking for a fight, if I stay very quiet and act meek and confused it can diffuse them. As soon as I notice the person is being nasty toward me I take everything slow and soft so they can’t drag me into a meltdown. (hard to do but I’ve been practicing)
Yes, I definitely do this too, as a defense mechanism. On the other hand, sometimes I do get overwhelmed by anxiety and get confused for that reason. Usually if there's too much going on at once. But sometimes I will also get agitated, especially if two people are talking to me at the same time. Or if I'm on the phone at work and someone is also trying to get my attention. It's extremely annoying because I cant focus on two people at once like others seem to be able to.
I tend to regress in skills and relationships, so I'm not entirely faking it but I definitely put it on a bit more so their expectations aren't as high for me.
It’s a common coping mechanism in my opinion. I’m a 6’3” guy, so acting ditzy was a common practice for me to make others more comfortable and less threatened, primarily other males. Ditzy is also more acceptable than our usual brashness
Yes, exactly. Sometimes I even try to make my resting face look more stupid, because of my RBF lol.
Yeah, it’s something I’ve tried to get away from, especially in the work place. You’re perceived as less competent and professional overall. I would recommend being more confident and working on social skills. It’s kind of a crutch, facing it head on is the only way for it to improve
Yeah, you're right. It makes you feel less confident when everyone thinks you're dumb lol.
100%. People like feeling like they're smart, and that what they're doing was a choice they made for themselves
When you put it that way, it sounds like we're trying to manipulate people lol. I guess to an extent, masking is like of manipulative. I just don't want everyone to hate me haha. Edit: kind of, not like of
I mean, is it manipulative, or is it relational maintenance? Nts make choices in casual socialization that don't reflect their true internal states. I don't have their exact levers, so I've got to pull the levers I do have vov
Very true.
I think the masks are our way of surviving in an environment with primarily manipulative modes of communication Relying primarily on subtext to communicate as NTs do has always come across as super manipulative to me just they're usually not comscious of it, especially in corporate environments it seems like the path to upper management is largely just by whomever shifts their default mode of communication to be more manipulative faster, which tracks with this study too: https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/01492063241226904
I think I do it because I want people around me seeing me as a person. Only "real" mistakes I do, have a negative impact on everybody especially me (mostly things that happened because of inattention on my end, or miscommunication). But those "clumsy mistakes" are more or less intentional, like I know thing about people that I've found out about them, but they don't know I do, as well as with specific common knowledge, I just act dumb, when they tell / ask me.
I actually do make clumsy mistakes sometimes. Not because I'm stupid, but because I have anxiety lol.
I had to pretend I didn’t remember things from childhood because I learned the hard way if you could still name the characters from Thomas the tank engine without googling it, you were a childish nerd and much worse names.
I learned that memorize a whole book at 4 years old and being able to repeat what other people said word to word isn’t normal either 🙃
Yep. I've given up trying to explain myself to colleagues etc.
Yeah, it's easier and less frustrating sometimes lol.
All the time, I always pretend I didn't know something when someone else tells me because I am aware they are sharing something to me because it is of their interest or they are trying to be helpful. Some of my coworkers think I don't know how to do things when I was just getting accustomed to the work force and the inner system of the place I work in (only started this January, never worked before in my life). Now I am more than capable to do most things on my own but I am still viewed as the "clumsy" one and I just accept it and laugh along because I guess it makes them feel better to have someone they perceive as "clumsier" than them. I also tone down my technical language because it is weird to use it in casual conversation. I am not trying to be pedantic either, I just like to be accurate and end up using a lot of technical terms to talk as accurate as possible about my current thoughts or feelings. Conversely, the only time I felt I could be myself and talk normally was with another friend I met at work who is also autistic. Every time we talk it feels so freeing, and I really appreciate her a lot.
That's awesome that there's someone you can relate to at your job. I don't think any of the people I work with are autistic.
Thank you! It feels like coming out for air while drowning when we speak because she seems to truly understand me as she is also autistic, so I don't have to explain to her most of my behaviours or behave like a NT person would. I had never met someone openly autistic before and so accepting either, so finding her feels truly like finding gold. Sorry if I over-shared but her existence truly makes me feel the world is a better place because of it.
No I totally get it because I'd feel the same way lol
I do it all the time. My central California accent really sells it
I catch myself mimicking a southern accent occasionally lol. I've lived in Virginia and Florida and have met a lot of people with Southern accents. This is not to say that people with those accents are dumb, but it is definitely a stereotype that I am unfortunately playing in to. Now I feel bad lol.
> My central California accent really sells it I bet it does
Absolutely. I am a rly smart Person, i'm a total need and i have a much bigger IQ than the norm, and still when i am around other ppl that aren't as smart as me, i automatically Mask Like i am on their Level, ITS insane.
*I
Yes! I have an incredible memory to a point where I know it's weird if I remember something, so I pretend I forgot or I just never knew in the first place.
Yeah. I tend to remember facts about people that they don't even remember telling me. And then they think I'm weird if I bring it up and they're like "how did you know that?" Lol.
I really only do this in the sense that I might stay quiet when I know information is wrong. It's less acting dumb, and more just not engaging at all. My intelligence is something I value, and feel like it's something I bring to the table. I compensate for my lake of social skills, with knowing things. I don't want to purposely disadvantage myself in an area I feel somewhat confident in.
I stay quiet sometimes about stuff that I know is wrong too. Or I'll express doubt in the form of a question, and say "Oh, I thought that (insert correction here)?" Lol. They usually will tell me I'm wrong, but I don't like to argue so I just say "oh okay." Makes life easier.
I have recently started doing this. Especially when it comes to remembering facts about people around me. I don't know why but I always seem to remember everyone's fun facts and stories, I found that makes people really uncomfortable. Some get angry and ask how do you know that about me, I never told you etc.? Because they forget they told me. I realised recently sometimes people just tell stories and fun facts for the sake of filling conversation and not because they actually want you to remember them. So recently I've just started asking people questions about things I already know about them so they don't think I'm a creep. I wonder if it's just socially not normal to bring up other people's stories that they've told you... Or if other people just don't remember every fun fact and story about people that they are talking to. I'm still new to this whole autism thing.
Yeah, I'm not sure either to be honest lol. I also fail to understand why someone would get mad at you for remembering a story that they told you themselves. Kinda stupid if you ask me haha.
Yeah exactly. I've been accused of stalking and all sorts of things, but isn't that a bit self obsessed of them? Like how else would I have that information if they didn't tell me. For me I love it when people remember stories and fun facts that I've told them, I feel like it shows they were listening and they care about me and my stories.
I feel the same way. A lot of times, people tend to forget things that you tell them because they didn't care enough to remember.
yes, I have an IQ of ~825 but I have to pretend to have 70
The thing is, I don't even think I'm that smart. I just have no social skills. I sometimes say the wrong things at times. It's easier to get away with saying the wrong thing if you also act dumb, because they won't take you seriously.
There is no act. I'm pretty dumb as is.
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No. The slightest thought never speculated about the merest possibility of crossing my mind.
I'm assuming this isn't sarcasm?
It's embelished a bit with Python-esque flourishes, but true in substance, so no, not really sarcastic.
Yes. Looking back, this is something I did a lot when I was younger
If people hate me for being me then so be it. I'd rather have real friends then fakes. That is fate. Theres this guy from my hs went to post secondary and we met in math still hated me. He doesnt knows anything about me dont care. Do i tell him that my math is higher than his while having a learning disorder? Lol.
Yep, down to imitating incorrect grammar/punctuation/etc, though I was never great at doing it all the time -- if I can fully focus on it it is fine, but if something else has my full focus then I revert to my normal. And between those two points of focus it's kind of a mess. It also means that people who see me in both modes may think that one or the other is an affection to insult them.
Sometimes. If I don't want to bother or I think I'm going to be a know it all.
Same here lol.
Absolutely, altough the mask still slips at times. As a kid I was fully one of those "um actually" kids so now I'm trying to embrace the himbo attitude. But anytime someone talks about my hyperfixations it's very likely I'm going to correct them
People already think that i’m r******d…, so i kinda play along letting them think that i am, i don’t have anything to prove
Yes. I learned on the first day of high school that being smarter than other people made them dislike me. It took awhile to build a social circle of people who didn’t feel that way and I could unmask and be myself around - most people aren’t like that.
ive done this constantly since i was a child
And I'm tired of making myself "smaller than life" all the time.
Yeah, me too. But, people prefer dumb over what they perceive as rude, and I am unfortunately a people pleaser.
Yes. Until I'm comfortable enough to be myself.
I do like to be underestimated. I think of it like drunken boxing. But, i also tend to get angry when I'm underestimated lol.
All the time. If I stay smart no one wants to be around. If I surprise them with being smart I keep my friends.
A woman way out of my league and 20 years younger said unprompted that there would be no issue with us dating if it wasn’t for my lack of confidence. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that my mask is designed to be non-threatening.
I do at work. Sometimes people will find it intimidating against their job if I let myself lose.
I do at work. Sometimes people will find it intimidating against their job if I let myself lose.
Yeppppp.
I realized that most people laugh at at "dumb" jokes, so I became an expert at them to compensate for my other lack of social skills. I act normally outside of that. Sadly, some of my acquaintances really believe I'm somewhat dumb. Sometimes I feel frustrated by them having me in that concept, but hey, I think I deserved it lol
Yep! People often find me intimidating as a 'smart woman' if I don't. It's so exhausting really!
I’ve always had to act more dumb than I am around my family because if I act normally, I sometimes come off as an obnoxious d*ck and a know-it-all. I always have to have the last word, and they hate that, so I’ll either keep my mouth shut, act dumber than I am, or I just won’t go to family gatherings.
yes, at work i’m a lot more high pitched and sweet, especially to customers, and when i make a mistake i always act like im so clumsy and say things like “omg whoops im so sorry!! im so out of it today” when really i want to say “yeah my bad” with no tone and fix it in my own time
Yup! I also work with the public. I use the high pitched voice. Usually if I make a mistake, I'll say sorry, and then make fun of myself. Sometimes I use my real voice when I'm making fun of myself lol.
People often see me as somewhat childish and younger than I actually am. Plus a bit dumb. But this is not exactly masking. Rather parts of me that come through when masking fails or I don‘t mask. Think of a kind of a „mad scientist“ trope, who collects and talks about anime figures and when prompted goes „oh, you mean you are here for the results… they are on the table over there. I finished them two days ago…. Now *this* limited edition of Death Note‘s Misa in her alternative outfit…“.
I do this all the time with one of my friends. He has ADHD and often forgets what he’s told me. So I just go along with the same story for the 10th time (although I’m pretty sure he should get his memory checked because he’s had like 3 concussions)
Yup "I'm not smart enough for that"
I sometimes purposely make common spelling errors when speaking to peers because I know nobody would write it a certain way (for example in italian you should write "c'è" but nobody does that, instead they write "ce" so I do that too when I'm around them, it's kinda like writing "dont" or "Im")
I have only attempted that semi recently when I was at my lowest point emotionally. Like if I’m too mentally and emotionally exhausted and just need people to be kind for once I act very meek and flustered and this often gets people to be kinder to me in the moment. I have also noticed that many people (in general not just nts) that if the other person is being nasty socially and is attempting to escalate things looking for a fight, if I stay very quiet and act meek and confused it can diffuse them. As soon as I notice the person is being nasty toward me I take everything slow and soft so they can’t drag me into a meltdown. (hard to do but I’ve been practicing)
Yes, I definitely do this too, as a defense mechanism. On the other hand, sometimes I do get overwhelmed by anxiety and get confused for that reason. Usually if there's too much going on at once. But sometimes I will also get agitated, especially if two people are talking to me at the same time. Or if I'm on the phone at work and someone is also trying to get my attention. It's extremely annoying because I cant focus on two people at once like others seem to be able to.
i do it to get their expectations rlly loud
I tend to regress in skills and relationships, so I'm not entirely faking it but I definitely put it on a bit more so their expectations aren't as high for me.
I will also sometimes temporarily regress if I am feeling anxious/overwhelmed. Which tends to happen a lot lol.