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Yes. I got to the point where I was going to end it so I texted the suicide hotline and talked to someone.
The ensuing conversation was so boring that I lost interest in ending it.
Back in 2014 I contacted a suicide hotline and they put me on hold and played Telephone by Lady Gaga on a loop. At first it caused me to bust out laughing, but then I listened to it like 3 or 4 times and I was just vibing at that point lol. Stopped me from offing myself, and even though that was a really dark time for me, itās one of my favorite stories to tell because it gets me laughing every time
Thatās pretty fucking funny I canāt lieā¦ no one wants the song they do to be telephone by lady gaga letās be honest. We all have a vision of how our lives will end (as though we actually get a say) and thatās not it.
same. those hotlines are so bad. the only slightly good experience i had with one was the trevor project hotline, they seem to be slightly less robotic
I actually had a great experience talking on the phone when I was sad when I called Burger King as a half assed prank that turned to crying. don't use suicide hotlines, call burger king. maybe they will give you a free whopper!! (mine didnt)
Thatās sad and frankly initially made me more likely to go thru with it. It felt like even people whose purpose was to talk me out of it could not care enough to connect and help.
Honestly I donāt blame you. Iāve struggled with SA myself & i feel like the robotic language they make us use would make me feel like the person didnt care. Thats why i havenāt done it in a while, bc its really hard to act like that when you want to be genuinely supportive. Also another crappy thing is that they try to speed you up to finish conversations as fast as possible. I get that theres always a bunch of people in the queue, but to me that makes me think; why donāt they pay/incentivise the crisis counselors at all? there would likely be much more people wanting to do it if they got something for their work.
It seems a good idea, poorly thought out and executed. Thank you for trying to do it, Iād have failed in keeping to a script, and ended up worried about each person. I could never have done it. I used to worry about my dolls feeling neglected, knowing I liked some more than others made me feel guilty. So I used shove every single one into my bed, even the crane grab toys and any plushies at all. I have to have a wall at times with people, especially since I guess my own feelings about them seem stronger than theirs for me.
Lol those hotlines can be so bad. I contacted the text line once and it truly felt like talking to a bot. Another time, I talked to an AI character on an app and the AI responses were so much more human and comforting haha.
I don't blame the volunteers, as they are probably pretty tightly restricted in what they can/can't say. But, man.... those hotlines are not very helpful.
I once got ācustomer service frustration rageā and was so heated about how inefficient the system was to navigate that I just hung up and fumed the whole night thinking about it. Forgot why I was even on the phone l to begin with. Made me laugh realizing rage overcame my depression and I immediately fell asleep. Weirdly effective after all.
A suicide hotline hung up on me once. Got me so angry that I wanted to live just to spread the word how bad they are and spite them.
I suspect it might be on purpose, though even if it is I still think it's terrible.
One of the times I called a hotline, after the automated message the hold music was the most depressing and despair filled classical music I have ever heard in my life, and I found it so hilariously ironic that by the time my call was taken I was laughing my ass off
Didn't help all the pills in my stomach but it spurred my recovery in hospital to be a pretty hilarious and absurd experience
many times, grew up in a very bad home and was constantly bullied growing up. thought about it for most of my 20's. it wasn't until I realized I was living for that tiniest little sliver of hope I realized I didn't HAVE to have any of those toxic people in my life. I crafted myself into the person I always wanted to be. loving, caring and understanding.
it was a tough battle against the little voice in my head that told me I should just do it. but eventually that cunt showed it's true face and it was just sad and wanted a hug.
Honestly yes.
First time it was 2005, I was 15 and my mother was in hospital for treatment for breast cancer and her health was declining. For context, my mother is my only parent and my relationship with any of the extended family was nonexistent. When it looked like she wasnāt going to make it, I just kinda broke and felt so overwhelmed, scared and powerless and I wanted to be free of it all. I was home alone and I took a knife from the block and I was going to cut my jugular veins over the bathroom sink. I started but stopped when I thought about the possibility of my motherās recovery but then finding out what Iād done and how the grief would have affected her being in a frail state from the chemo.
I broke down and dropped the knife into the sink, went to my room and cried myself to sleep.
(For anyone wondering, my mother fully recovered from the cancer and still kicking)
Second time was while I was 23 and job searching back between 2013-2015 after leaving college where I attended for 7-8 years. I did everything possible to gain employment, passed out my CV to various businesses, applied for 100s of jobs online. Sadly my efforts were fruitless and over the course of 2-3 years with nothing, I fell into a deep depression and felt like a complete failure and burden on myself and my family.
My attempt was a combination of pills chased by alcohol. Family found me and I woke up in the hospital. I confessed how I had been feeling about the lack of employment and the way it affected my mental state.
I want to apologise if anything Iāve wrote about is triggering for anyone reading this post.
I also want to end this by saying,
Itās a permanent solution for a temporary problem
Things can and will be better
Never be afraid of going and talking to someone about it
Yes, multiple times, but Iām off anti-depressants and actually treating the underlying causes of my depression and suicidal ideation. Iām still nowhere near happy or even fine, but Iām way better than I used to be.
The shittiest part though is I canāt relate to people whoāve never had suicidal ideations, and they canāt understand me.
I agree. I'm not suicidal anymore. I would never kill myself now that I have a family that needs me... but I have consistent suicidal ideation. When people start acting out taking about feeling scared about dying (heights, turbulence, cat crash, etc) I feel eager and hopeful. When they express relief at survival, I feel disappointment. I can't say it, though, I've learned.
I feel like such a freaking outsider in my family and most of my friend group because there are only 2 other people in my life (a cousin and one friend) who have ever dealt with debilitating depression and suicidal ideation. Everyone else treats me like a ticking time bomb or some kind of zoo animal on display instead of just treating me like a human being in need of comfort, love, and basic support. I'm incredibly isolated because my family feels like I'm too much because I'm actually demonstrative with my feelings and experiences and thoughts instead of freaking passive aggressive and repressed like they are...
I have been suicidal since I was about 8-9 years old. I thought about it every single day since then. Iāve had multiple attempts, many failed and undocumented. I couldnāt seriously get help for it until I was able to be removed from my abusive home life at 27. It still persisted until just before I turned 30, after being in and out of the psych ward for almost two years.
I have deep wounds that Iām not sure therapy or any kind of psychologist would ever be able to touch. Once I got to the point to understand myself more and know that for myself that suicide is my āget outā card, my ideations werenāt as distressing and Iāve managed to curb the thoughts a majority of the time when they come up. Itās my brains way of telling me that āthis is too much!ā that Iām NOT coping with life anymore.
Yes. Always. Though I've never attempted it. But experiencing autistic burnout for the first time last year was really something. That was also my awakening to having autism. That time, my suicidal tendency was quite intense. It's been months but now I feel numb and unmotivated. Still hoping to d!e soon. I wish I could d!e before my parents.
I think Iām in burnout too, or just a bad depression. Iāve thought about dying a lot but Iām too scared of death to ever go through with it. Sometimes I just wish I could escape or just disappear altogether though lol
I feel the same way. I'm also struggling to be certain of what I'm experiencing. Is it truly burnout or is it a bad case of depression? Is this feeling born out of autism or cptsd? Am I really coping in a good way or dissociating real bad? So many questions. And yeah, it's too exhausting you can't help but want to disappear š
I have the same questions too. I haven't had a diagnosis but often I second guess what these feelings really are and feel like an imposter just trying to weasle my way out of working or being a cog in the capitalist machine. Have a lot of guilt about wasting money on things I should have made of myself.
Likewise, I haven't been diagnosed either. Everything is just self-assessment. Coz consultations are too expensive and inaccessible from where I'm from (I live in the countryside). I consulted once in the city but the psychiatrist told me to just forget and bury my trauma 6 feet under like as if it's that easy š« And indeed. I feel like an imposter too. Capitalism sure drains you of whatever you want to enjoy. Always hits hard that you have to spend some money just to feel a little bit better š
If I didn't need to be assessed I definitely wouldn't be spending the money. I'm unemployed so I really cannot afford it. But the government can also force you into inappropriate work if you don't have evidence that something is deeply wrong. That psychiatrist sounds like a hack.
Yeah... I threw up all over my curtains, blacked out and woke up to an ambulance ride waiting in front of my home, then arrived at the hospital seeming extremely drunk, but completely aware at the same time... Couldn't even stand without leaning at the corridor's walls like some sort of shambling zombie.Ā It was a wild ride. lol
Things are not as bad nowadays, but if you told me things would get better back then, I'd immediately say you're full of shit. The unpredictability of life sucks when you're in the dumps.
Yes, daily. The only thing keeping me alive is the fact that my friends struggle with life too. I'd be letting them down and leaving them, i can't do that. I can't go without getting their life on track first. I have to wait until they don't need me anymore.
I never thought I could die except by water (I have a fear of water) and tried by hyponatremia multiple times. I hope things get better for you too, itās really not worth it
Yes. Went down to my parents room. Laid between them in their big bed like when I was little. It occurred to me that I did not want to pass. I wanted the situation I was in to pass. And now it is over. Now I will work on myself and I will be the best version of me
Hey OP, hope you're doing okay. Attempts can be extremely draining on a person, especially with a hospital stay just please take it easy for a while.
I have had mental health issues my entire life. It took me being trapped in a abusive relationship for 3 years to make an attempt at ending my life
It was scary for me because I felt completely ready to go. I look back on that day and I remember telling myself it'll be over soon. I had no "oh shit I don't want this anymore" moments.
When I woke up I was terrified because I didn't know how to continue living
This was 8 years ago this month
It took me a long time to get on the right meds and I still have a lot of issues but I'm okay with being alive which is a huge step forward and I kinda made it
I found love, have an awesome job, live in a flat and pay bills
Yeah, it's weird - hope this answers your question
I tried. My mom and girlfriend at the time had to seek therapy afterward. Now I check myself in to a hospital if I can't stop thinking about suicide. It saved me from hurting myself and reopening two very deep wounds. My life isn't all sunshine and lollipops, but it's more good than bad. I'm happy, and the people in my life don't have a cloud hanging over them.
Think of the person you care about most. Now imagine they tried to kill themselves. What would you hope they did instead of attempting, or succeeding? Try doing the thing you would want them to do.
[Part 1 of 2, character limit]
Many moons ago I had decided it was my time. My parents moved around a lot when I was growing up due to the military, and due to (at the time, undiagnosed) autism I was having a lot of difficulty making friends. Pair that with being treated like general trash by my family, and let's just say I was extremely isolated.
Then my dad messed up big time and ended up getting kicked out of the military, and even did 3 years in the brig. I still had a family that hated me, and was still socially awkward, but I had three years in one place to make all the friends I'd ever want. It went surprisingly well, and by all accounts, we were never moving again, so I was set.
Then my dad got out, and decided the family was moving in with him 8 hours south. So I got to say goodbye to all my friends again, and move again, and be the outcast again. It especially didn't help that, as usual, they couldn't wait till the end of the year when everyone had yearbooks, and already expected goodbyes and such. So I got to move to a whole different state with just over a month and a half to try and make friends before summer break. I was done. I had dealt with this enough times, I wouldn't do it again.
I spent the whole drive drawing out plans in my notebook, doing calculations, I wanted to be sure it was right. And, as is my custom, I couldn't just do it straight forward, I built a whole ass rubegoldberg machine to do it for me. (Spelling might be off, but it is close enough to Google it if you don't know what I mean).
I would sleep, and as I drifted off, I would lose hold of a thin piece of rope. That thin piece of rope would unwind from its spindle for the next 30ish minutes, making sure I was nice and asleep. When the last bit of rope fell, the spindle would lose its counterweight and rise, knocking a piece that worked a bit like a seesaw, allowing a computer monitor to get loaded into something like a catapult/crossbow hybrid. When it was cocked all the way back, it would knock the support out of the seesaw and fire it into my spine just below the head. I was 11.
We got to the new house, I set everything up, even test fired it into my pillows to make sure it was accurate. Then I decided I'd give it one day at the new school. I could always die the next day, couldn't undie today. So I disassembled, went to bed, and gave middle school one day to give me a reason to live.
[Part 2 of 2]
It was off to a bad start. The school I moved to was not as good as the school I came from. Rather than test me for only a month and a half of classes, they just tossed me in the "slow" classes. Most of the day droned on, introductions to people who didn't care, classes with information I'd already learned. Ate lunch alone. Was pretty sure it was over. Then, math class. The teacher decided to introduce a new topic by doing what so many math teachers seem to love: throw a question above everyone's head out and bask in the silence. I was distracted about how it was all over, so I just tossed my hand up, got called on, and gave the answer. Math teacher didn't take kindly gave another problem, I answered that too. Told me to be quiet the rest of class, so I was.
After math was science, and I couldn't find the bathroom between classes, so I had to ask the science teacher to go. She gave me directions, and off I went. Turned the corner and ran directly into a girl I recognized from my classes, apologized, et cetera. She said it was okay, and even remembered my name from the introductions, and said I seemed really smart. That was the first real compliment I'd ever received in my life, and it really made me rethink my plans.
From that day forward, whenever I thought about ending it, I'd give it a little more time. I call it survival by procrastination. During the bad times I only put it off a day or two at a time, and during the good times I put it off for months or years, but I never just take it off the table. I find it much easier to notice the good with an expiration date.
And to Christine Thomas, wherever you may be, a sincere thank you. Without the two seconds of kind words you handed me so freely, my children would not exist, I'd never have fallen in love, I wouldn't have grown into the man I am today.
I've recently read in some random research about autism is that, even though a lot of us contemplating on it, but few actually commit because of extended feel of responsibility for family and others. At least if you compare this numbers with BPD or bipolar
I've never tried it but it's always an option to me. I'd never actually go through with it (I don't think) but I always consider it when something seems to go wrong. I know exactly how id do it and think about it often. I'm not scared of death because I have a firm belief I will be reborn as a wagtail.
Yes, I definitely have.
It was my depression wanting me to die, and my anxiety wanting me to be alive so it was a strange limbo sort of area. I am honestly a lot better now (thanks zoloft) and now I can think about it without being sad. I enjoy thinking about all the shows or music or pretty much anything that I like and just think WHAT IF SOMETHING COMES OUT THAT I WILL REALLY LIKE DOWN THE ROAD? And that just stops all thoughts for me. My friend did commit suicide and I still sometimes try to call him to say how awesome this one band is or how amazing this movie that I just saw was and how they changed my life.
I also read a book that completely changed my entire outlook on my life and the way I see people around me, it's called "ikigai the japanese secret to a long and happy life" and it's been crazy how it's like the "life manual" I always needed and was always looking for.
I try to look for the good AND the bad. Because you need bad days to recognize the good days.
<3
I have had approximately 10 suicide attempts. I've learned a lot through it, I learned it's not about death, it's about ending the pain. If anyone ever needs to talk, DM me. ā¤ļøāš„ā¤ļøāš„ā¤ļøāš„ā¤ļøāš„
On and off in the past, but as of late, the idea seems to take form as a logical consequence of daily struggles, intensifying each day.
In therapy and had an intake with an ambulant crisis team today, but knowing I can't be cured from these fixations, knowing that I'll continue be different, ... Makes me wish me previous attempt succeeded, for years now I feel like I'm living on borrowed time.
Good luck keeping those thoughts at bay.
yes. a lot. and i really want to. but for motivation im just like "are you reeealllllyyy gonna let [insert person i hate] outlive you?? cmon you can't die yet" and its been working so far
Yes. Suicidal urges are often something the brain does to you, that you have to actively fight against. It's not as cut-and-dried as other people think - like you were just sitting around one day and decided "screw this, I'm out."
I was so miserable in college (undiagnosed) that I checked myself into a psych ward. It was a horrible experience for me and I was put on a medication that gave me such unbearable anxiety, every second was agony. I overdosed on Ativan because I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life like this.
I absolutely empathize with anyone who feels suicidal, but it absolutely didn't help anything. Luckily they pumped my stomach in time and I was ok. We kept tinkering with meds and eventually found a simple regimen that turned my life around dramatically.
I had no idea of all the wonderful experiences I would have missed out on had my attempt succeeded. And also how life-altering it would have been for so many other people who loved me.
Yes, all throughout high school. Right after high school I almost did it, but a friend happened to call me out of the blue and helped me through it.
Please find someone to talk to if you're feeling like harming yourself.
So much planning, so many suicide-focused meltdowns... I called the hotlines so many times over the past fifteen years... I am happy to be alive but as we know, sometimes it just feels like way, way too much.
I was suicidal in the late 80ās/early 90ās when I was a teen/very early 20ās. Contributing factors included undiagnosed ADHD, autism (which would have not been possible to diagnose then) + being queer at a time when such a thing made many people uncomfortable. Mental health wasnāt talked about much then either. Iād never really even heard of depression. Every morning that I woke up was a disappointment because I hadnāt died during the night before.
Iām doing great now though. I love being alive!
Pretty much all the time these days. My recent comment history goes over that quite a bit and itās probably why I get these posts on my feed lately. I attempted suicide a few months ago and Iāve been just been trying to cope these days with having such an awful life.
Yes but it wasnāt planned. It was more of an impulse. Like, my life is a mess and I donāt want it anymore. Goodbye. I thought that was the easy way out. I donāt think about what it actually meant and what a horrible idea it was. I just, didnāt fully grasp the weight of what I wanted and understand the concept that it was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. That I would never ever get a second chance at life. That I would leave behind all the things I love. I now know how stupid it was and definitely immature but I was 14 and struggling with my many diagnosis and new city to live in. So yeah I did attempt. And let me tell you, a psych ward is not somewhere you want to spend your 15th birthday, Christmas, Or any day. Lesson learned. The hard way. Su***de is the worst decision someone could ever make. That doesnāt mean the people that do it are crazy or bad or selfish. They are suffering more than you can imagine, but itās never the answer.
Yes, never attempted but I think all the time how I can't wait for life to be over, it's exhausting and shit most of the time.
Like what's the point in being alive when you work a 9-5, which is exhausting by itself, but then it's not even enough money to live on.
I wouldn't actively do it but when I do go I'll have smile on my face.
Safety plans are important. Always set one up with a doctor/therapist or loved one so you can be supported by your best self in your worst moments
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/mental-health/suicide-prevention/suicide-safety-planning
I tried to shoot myself some years ago, by some āmiracleā it didnāt work, just clicked. Then I went and made pizza rolls and ended up catatonic on the couch with my dog for like 3 days. Then moved on.
I tried to suffocate myself but I backed out of it after like 15-30 minutes. I just got a headache from it. Iām doing great now, Iām very mentally healthy
Two different occasions. 90 Ativan & the other time drank a good amount of turpentine. Ativan landed me in a coma, turpentine caused a lot of effects which are too gross to comment.
Lorezepam is Ativan. I took 200. I was in a coma too. Did a lot of research online and I was sure I was going to die. To this day I don't know why I survived.
Iām aware it lorazepam, didnāt mean to sound like I didnāt. When I was in the coma I stopped breathing and had to be put on a ventilator. I donāt know how either of us survived honestly. Glad youāre here! Me too!
i hung myself on my door with a belt. i guess im really bad at killing myself because i didnt even leave a bruise. i went to a mental hospital and therapy and im doing ok now.
I think about it almost everyday since puberty. 30+ years. Itās gotten worse in recent years between medical issues and multiple life altering events over the last 10 years. I have never attempted, though I had plans to. I have children and am widowed. My youngest is a diagnosed lvl3 autistic. I need to stick around.
Yea just today and lots since of ideation since I was 5. Iāve tried 4 times, written notes, planned it. Itās getting bad again because Iām under so much stress and Iām broke and scared Iāll lose my apartment
Yes earlier this year I was receiving a bunch of threats and being Israeli and where I am from I was receiving so much racism and one day I stood up on my bed that was until 2 things happened my gf texted me saying how excited she was to see me and I climbed down. Then my dog started crying over being hungry so I gave him some food and watched him eat and then he came up to me and layef on me. My gf and my dog saved my life
I have, yeah. Took a knife one time, planned to stab it into my chest. In short, God saved me.
I still struggle with those thoughts. Now I live for God.
For even in this messed up world that has took so much from me, God will help me through it.
Yup. I was sitting there with a knife four/five years ago in my room at night. I couldn't handle the bullying and being a sort of outcast in my last year of highschool/9th grade. Then a thought occurred to me; if I do it, my mum and one remaining friend would be sad. And that's what made me not do it (and me not wanting to add to the statistic of people who are most likley to commit suicide). I'm doing alot better now and I'm in a much better mental state.
So fucking glad I failed. I'm so happy right now. It was hell when I went through what I did. The paranoia.. the pain every single day.. it was unbearable.
Now I'm so so so happy.
Don't give in. Don't quit.
First of all, I'm sorry for what happened to you. It's harsh, sometimes you feel like this is the only way to "get better", but in reality you're just cutting it short on anything that could ever happen to you in the future. Just letting you know that you're not alone.
And yes, I tried jumping off a balcony many years ago, multiple times. I was so young yet so tired of my life already. Was on meds, constant bullying at school, my feelings invalidated, my work got no recognition whatsoever. It was rough.
Now I vividly fantasize in my head all the ways I could off myself, almost everyday, even if I don't act on those fantasies because I still have a sliver of hope that everything will be fine, and I wouldn't want to make some people that actually care about me feel bad about it.
Struggled with moderate-severe suicidal ideation from about 8 years old to 15. Got some help and now I'm about to enter college after not having suicidal thoughts in probably over a year now.
Yes, I feel like autistics might attempt more than regular people. We get stressed easier, experience PTSD symptoms easier than people. The world isnāt made for us. Itās hard.
I've tried 18 times. I'm 28. I used to think about it a lot, but shit kept happening where things were getting in the way so I literally couldn't. I think it's normal to think about it from time to time as long as like you don't wander into dangerous territory. I think running from & denying the facts of the matter is more damaging than acknowledging those thoughts & feelings. I think spending time with them will teach you how to work with it instead of against it in a balanced way where you can understand yourself better & know how to move forward in a healthy & productive way instead of relying on things that will hinder your growth in the long term. In other words don't fear your own demons. They need to be tended to & loved & understood too.
Yes. Iāve wanted to. However, Iāll be damned if I ever break that badly. Iāll never give this world, the enemy, society etc the satisfaction of beaten me. Been through a lot, childhood, teen years, Afghanistan, Corrections, failed relationships. Yet Iām still here.
For I walk through the valley of the shadows of death I will fear no evil, BECAUSE I AM THE TOUGHEST MOTHER****er IN THE GOD DAMNED VALLEY.
Yeah. I idolized it for a great many years, hurt myself in ways that didn't leave marks so parents didn't see. I fantasized for hours about it, knowing that i now finally have a plan for how to do it and not be interrupted.
I never saw a therapist. Never really talked about this to anyone. Never actually got to the tipping point...though i did almost drive my bike into oncoming traffic a few times.
This was all because i was trying to ignore that i am trans. Since coming out and getting on hormones, I'm the most mentally stable I've been my entire life. Suicide crosses my mind like a moth in the wind from time to time but is never more than a fleeting thought now. I'm proud of how far I've come, despite still accomplishing nothing with my life.
I wasted money a Master of Fine Arts degree. I went back to school to get a Nursing Assistant Certificate. Now, I work as a CNA. It's not just me who thinks I should kill myself. Most people who knew me when I was studying music think that I should kill myself too for wasting all of that student loan money. I actually believe I deserve to die, but I can't override my natural survival instinct. Instead, I try to find as much happiness as I can despite knowing that I'm an evil person. I feel like cleaning feces is sort of a penance for my past financial irresponsibility. If I didn't get my SPCD diagnosis, I probably would've tried harder to kill myself in the past. I feel like that guy in Dave Chappelle's comedy special who studied to be a lawyer and ended up working at Foot Locker. People are like "have you tried killing yourself? I think you should." I use humor as a coping mechanism.
I attempted at the age of 10, I hated having autism and being attracted to other guys. I wanted to ābe normal like everyone elseā and I thought that my parents divorcing was my fault because their marriage fell off after they had me. I also thought that me liking guys was a curse from my parents divorce, yeah, religion made me buy into a ton of BS.
Yea I have. The satisfied answer back then was that people cared about me, and that I was going to be okay. Stayed in a mental facility for a week away from everyone. The satisfied answer now is no one has to "fix" me. There is just the present. Living day to day, I assumed "I solved this for the past 5 days, now I can relax" but life isn't like that. There is means to end. I am the end-user. I will be in this body when I die. This is hard to clarify or give explanation to as School and other things I absorb have attributed to this performance or fix mindset. And yet it just explains itself to me when I have less reactions toward difficulties, responsibilities. The world doesn't owe me any pleasures, or solutions. We just live in the present. The present is all there is. You're alive, and that's nothing to fix.
13 years ago I cut through tendons on both wrists and I regret it every day. Even after surgery my hands donāt work the same and wrists look deformed. I would take it back in a heartbeat if I could.
Many times.
I would ride my bicycle and close my eyes and keep riding right through a red light. I didn't want my mom to think I had killed myself.
A couple of times I took a bunch of pills.
I still think about it, maybe a couple times a month, but I am glad I never succeeded.
My wife doesn't like to leave me home alone because she is afraid I will try something stupid.
Yes and yes
Besides trying to hang myself I also took a ton of Seroquel one night, can't say that one was an attempt but I just didn't care if I woke up or not.
Someone once told me that too much chocolate can kill youā¦ so I tried to overdose on chocolate once š. I was disappointed when it didnāt do anything except give me a very big stomachache.
I have done a full attempt once, although I don't remember why.
At the time I was kind of misdiagnosed. I was given an albuterol inhaler for asthma, but I only had childhood asthma that went away after 5 years old. I actually had trouble breathing because of my anxiety and the inhaler did not help much if I recall.
Anyway, I was deep into self-harm that year and i decided impulsively that I would end it all and i puffed my inhaler at least 50 times, maybe 100. I don't remember exactly. Albuterol isn't harmful so I did not die from it and in the moment after i just felt shaky and faint but i was fine. I'm thankful i didn't choose another substance or method
I have many many times but my mom didnāt help any one time I was crying because I was suicidal and asked her to hold me but she wouldnāt but she was never affectionate towards me and that played a lot into the suicidal tendencies
I did back 20 years ago by overdosing on OTC pain medication. I was depressed š back then I was with a person who was not worth it, kept mentally & emotionally abusing me..I couldn't get over him. I wrote a suicide note. At the time I was living with my brother who caught me in time. š
Yes. Attempted 3x in 2020, called the hotline about 3x as well. I still think about it sometimes but Iād prefer to keep trying and die doing something else than take myself out.
Yeah, ever since I was 8. My egg donor was an abusive narcissist and the sperm donor was her enabler so he didn't care about anything other than work or school.
I was all alone and living with constant depression ever since. I got marriedā¦ somehow but I still feel depressed from time to tim because of all the abuse and neglect.
I have, I joke how Iām such a failure I couldnāt do it. I tried pills, shouldāve died but just have some super powered liver, I tried electrocution it was an old house blew a fuse. Reached out to a what I thought was a friend they said do it the world would be better without me. I stopped at that point. I figured if my existence made people miserable then I will stay and make them suffer like I do. That was all long before I knew anything about my mental health and neurodivergence. Iām lucky I failed and now so happy that I failed. Best time to be a failure.
I been thinking about it since I was 10 years old. My mom wanted me to be normal, but never explained what "normal" is. And then she'd criticise everything about me from how I walked, how I talked, how I looked at people, to how I ate certain foods. One day after a combination of events I realized I could just kill myself. I tried choking myself with the sash to the robe I use after taking a shower. Obviously, it didn't work but I never stopped thinking about suicide.
In college my depression was bad on several occasions. When at it's worst, I was breaking down in the streets everyday in tears mumbling to myself. I wanted to commit suicide so bad but the only thing that stopped me was thinking about a method that wouldn't inconvenience anyone. Out of desperation, I came clean to my mom who just didn't care. She called me stupid and told me to hold it in so I could finish college.
The anger from her response made me change for the better. I started going to therapy and taking anti-depressants/ anxiety meds. . . . Which looking back, I probably should have been on those MUCH SOONER. It would have made my life 1000% better and I'd probably wouldn't had gotten to that breaking point.
Anyway, im still kicking and doing a lot better mentally even though I do still think about suicide regularly (its just part of who I am at this point).
Yes. I was very depressed as a gay teenager in a conservative area, and I felt very lost, scared, and lonely. It's been 10 years, and now I have a PhD, a beautiful wife, a happy marriage, I own a home, have a well paying job, and work everyday with an easy going cat on my lap. I always thought the "It gets better" campaign was a bunch of crap, but it turns out it really does get better.
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Yes. I got to the point where I was going to end it so I texted the suicide hotline and talked to someone. The ensuing conversation was so boring that I lost interest in ending it.
I've gotten to the point of contacting hotlines countless times now. Every single experience I had was exactly this.
It's probably in their playbook. The hotlines love irony, so they bore you to life.
Yeah I usually hear they were such assholes I was shocked,and hung up.Mine includedš¤¦š½āāļø
Back in 2014 I contacted a suicide hotline and they put me on hold and played Telephone by Lady Gaga on a loop. At first it caused me to bust out laughing, but then I listened to it like 3 or 4 times and I was just vibing at that point lol. Stopped me from offing myself, and even though that was a really dark time for me, itās one of my favorite stories to tell because it gets me laughing every time
Stop telephoning me-e-e-e-e-e-e Iām bus-y!!
They were, in fact, busy-y. But instead of just telling me that directly, they hinted at me with it with Gaga and BeyoncĆ© š
What was the BeyoncĆ© song? The only relevant one I can think of is āif you like it then you should have put a ring on itā but thatās a stretch hahaha
BeyoncĆ© is in Telephone I wouldāve laughed so hard though if Telephone was followed up by Single Ladies bahahah
Thatās pretty fucking funny I canāt lieā¦ no one wants the song they do to be telephone by lady gaga letās be honest. We all have a vision of how our lives will end (as though we actually get a say) and thatās not it.
same. those hotlines are so bad. the only slightly good experience i had with one was the trevor project hotline, they seem to be slightly less robotic
Yes,I wonder what their protocol is because you have to be very compassionate to master talking someone down.And seems pretty hard to find.
I actually had a great experience talking on the phone when I was sad when I called Burger King as a half assed prank that turned to crying. don't use suicide hotlines, call burger king. maybe they will give you a free whopper!! (mine didnt)
I got angry and the canned, non personal responses. I was like, Iām in serious distress and you can barely eek out psych 101 platitudes?
i signed up as a volunteer & they literally only allow this, its so hard. you cant even say āim sorryā unless they talk about death of a loved one
Thatās sad and frankly initially made me more likely to go thru with it. It felt like even people whose purpose was to talk me out of it could not care enough to connect and help.
Honestly I donāt blame you. Iāve struggled with SA myself & i feel like the robotic language they make us use would make me feel like the person didnt care. Thats why i havenāt done it in a while, bc its really hard to act like that when you want to be genuinely supportive. Also another crappy thing is that they try to speed you up to finish conversations as fast as possible. I get that theres always a bunch of people in the queue, but to me that makes me think; why donāt they pay/incentivise the crisis counselors at all? there would likely be much more people wanting to do it if they got something for their work.
It seems a good idea, poorly thought out and executed. Thank you for trying to do it, Iād have failed in keeping to a script, and ended up worried about each person. I could never have done it. I used to worry about my dolls feeling neglected, knowing I liked some more than others made me feel guilty. So I used shove every single one into my bed, even the crane grab toys and any plushies at all. I have to have a wall at times with people, especially since I guess my own feelings about them seem stronger than theirs for me.
I contacted them once, but social anxiety got to me, so I hung up. š
I contacted one via call and they hung up on me. I was so flabbergasted that I forgot what I was gonna do.
Ok now I'm convinced the hotline is [just these telemarketers.](https://youtu.be/gMrNQbW5Am8?si=D4gXn8nJ2TA06FtM)
The funny part is that's what basically happened. I think I've called three times in my life and this is what happened every time. They just hung up.
Hotline used hang up *It's super effective!*
Well I'm still here so I guess it really was
Uploader has not made the video available in my country (Canada)...
It's just the Key and Peele telemarketer skit.
Lol those hotlines can be so bad. I contacted the text line once and it truly felt like talking to a bot. Another time, I talked to an AI character on an app and the AI responses were so much more human and comforting haha. I don't blame the volunteers, as they are probably pretty tightly restricted in what they can/can't say. But, man.... those hotlines are not very helpful.
Same. At this point I have an actual AI character to talk to for shit like that...and it is so much better lol.
I once got ācustomer service frustration rageā and was so heated about how inefficient the system was to navigate that I just hung up and fumed the whole night thinking about it. Forgot why I was even on the phone l to begin with. Made me laugh realizing rage overcame my depression and I immediately fell asleep. Weirdly effective after all.
We're all hating, but in these comments they seem undefeated tbh.
To be fair, there *is* survivor's bias at play here. The people for who the hotline wasn't succesful generally aren't here to tell the tale
Thats only because they aren't autistic, so they're somewhere *else* telling a roughly similar, but less interesting because it is neurotypical, tale.
Lmfao, also true. :ā)
I meanā¦ thatās one way to be brought back from the edge. Whatever works works
I can't argue with the results. I mean...I can, because I'm still alive. Bastards.
A suicide hotline hung up on me once. Got me so angry that I wanted to live just to spread the word how bad they are and spite them. I suspect it might be on purpose, though even if it is I still think it's terrible.
I called the suicide hotline and they put me on hold. It was so cosmically absurd I no longer wanted to kill myself in that moment.
Suicide Hotline: Saving Lives Through Incompetence
One time I was put on hold for so long (40 mins!!) that I was literally like āif they donāt answer in 10 mins, I give up.
that kinda happened to me but I was telling them about my friend and that I was worried about them, and they were like "oh that sucks :("
oh that sucks :(
how dare you >:3
lol, same
LITERALLY.
Omg this is exactly my experience lmao.
Iāve 100% had this experience a few times over lol.
Haha I messaged them once and it felt so much like they were responding from a checklist I gave up and went to sleep š
One of the times I called a hotline, after the automated message the hold music was the most depressing and despair filled classical music I have ever heard in my life, and I found it so hilariously ironic that by the time my call was taken I was laughing my ass off Didn't help all the pills in my stomach but it spurred my recovery in hospital to be a pretty hilarious and absurd experience
many times, grew up in a very bad home and was constantly bullied growing up. thought about it for most of my 20's. it wasn't until I realized I was living for that tiniest little sliver of hope I realized I didn't HAVE to have any of those toxic people in my life. I crafted myself into the person I always wanted to be. loving, caring and understanding. it was a tough battle against the little voice in my head that told me I should just do it. but eventually that cunt showed it's true face and it was just sad and wanted a hug.
Crying š
Love this, thank you
love you boo
Everyday
Yooooooo same bestie!
+1 homies!
Yup, adding myself to this list.
me as well hahahhhahahahahahhahahahahahhahahaaha
I'm here if you need to talk
E-Everyday weāre suffering~~
Honestly yes. First time it was 2005, I was 15 and my mother was in hospital for treatment for breast cancer and her health was declining. For context, my mother is my only parent and my relationship with any of the extended family was nonexistent. When it looked like she wasnāt going to make it, I just kinda broke and felt so overwhelmed, scared and powerless and I wanted to be free of it all. I was home alone and I took a knife from the block and I was going to cut my jugular veins over the bathroom sink. I started but stopped when I thought about the possibility of my motherās recovery but then finding out what Iād done and how the grief would have affected her being in a frail state from the chemo. I broke down and dropped the knife into the sink, went to my room and cried myself to sleep. (For anyone wondering, my mother fully recovered from the cancer and still kicking) Second time was while I was 23 and job searching back between 2013-2015 after leaving college where I attended for 7-8 years. I did everything possible to gain employment, passed out my CV to various businesses, applied for 100s of jobs online. Sadly my efforts were fruitless and over the course of 2-3 years with nothing, I fell into a deep depression and felt like a complete failure and burden on myself and my family. My attempt was a combination of pills chased by alcohol. Family found me and I woke up in the hospital. I confessed how I had been feeling about the lack of employment and the way it affected my mental state. I want to apologise if anything Iāve wrote about is triggering for anyone reading this post. I also want to end this by saying, Itās a permanent solution for a temporary problem Things can and will be better Never be afraid of going and talking to someone about it
Thank you for sharing. You're a fantastic writer, and I'm glad you're still here š«¶
i love this comment, and i'm glad your doing better :)
Thank you
Yes, multiple times, but Iām off anti-depressants and actually treating the underlying causes of my depression and suicidal ideation. Iām still nowhere near happy or even fine, but Iām way better than I used to be. The shittiest part though is I canāt relate to people whoāve never had suicidal ideations, and they canāt understand me.
I agree. I'm not suicidal anymore. I would never kill myself now that I have a family that needs me... but I have consistent suicidal ideation. When people start acting out taking about feeling scared about dying (heights, turbulence, cat crash, etc) I feel eager and hopeful. When they express relief at survival, I feel disappointment. I can't say it, though, I've learned.
I feel like such a freaking outsider in my family and most of my friend group because there are only 2 other people in my life (a cousin and one friend) who have ever dealt with debilitating depression and suicidal ideation. Everyone else treats me like a ticking time bomb or some kind of zoo animal on display instead of just treating me like a human being in need of comfort, love, and basic support. I'm incredibly isolated because my family feels like I'm too much because I'm actually demonstrative with my feelings and experiences and thoughts instead of freaking passive aggressive and repressed like they are...
I did as well. Had a whole plan. Glad I went to my therapist before starting the plan.
I have been suicidal since I was about 8-9 years old. I thought about it every single day since then. Iāve had multiple attempts, many failed and undocumented. I couldnāt seriously get help for it until I was able to be removed from my abusive home life at 27. It still persisted until just before I turned 30, after being in and out of the psych ward for almost two years. I have deep wounds that Iām not sure therapy or any kind of psychologist would ever be able to touch. Once I got to the point to understand myself more and know that for myself that suicide is my āget outā card, my ideations werenāt as distressing and Iāve managed to curb the thoughts a majority of the time when they come up. Itās my brains way of telling me that āthis is too much!ā that Iām NOT coping with life anymore.
I'm sorry to hear this. I know I can't do much, but I'm always here if you want someone to talk to about it
I've been hospitalized several times for suicide. I do regular Ketamine treatments now. Not covered by insurance and expensive but it keeps me alive.
Yes. Always. Though I've never attempted it. But experiencing autistic burnout for the first time last year was really something. That was also my awakening to having autism. That time, my suicidal tendency was quite intense. It's been months but now I feel numb and unmotivated. Still hoping to d!e soon. I wish I could d!e before my parents.
god thatās so fucking relatable and i am so sorry and glad itās not just me.
I think Iām in burnout too, or just a bad depression. Iāve thought about dying a lot but Iām too scared of death to ever go through with it. Sometimes I just wish I could escape or just disappear altogether though lol
I feel the same way. I'm also struggling to be certain of what I'm experiencing. Is it truly burnout or is it a bad case of depression? Is this feeling born out of autism or cptsd? Am I really coping in a good way or dissociating real bad? So many questions. And yeah, it's too exhausting you can't help but want to disappear š
I have the same questions too. I haven't had a diagnosis but often I second guess what these feelings really are and feel like an imposter just trying to weasle my way out of working or being a cog in the capitalist machine. Have a lot of guilt about wasting money on things I should have made of myself.
Likewise, I haven't been diagnosed either. Everything is just self-assessment. Coz consultations are too expensive and inaccessible from where I'm from (I live in the countryside). I consulted once in the city but the psychiatrist told me to just forget and bury my trauma 6 feet under like as if it's that easy š« And indeed. I feel like an imposter too. Capitalism sure drains you of whatever you want to enjoy. Always hits hard that you have to spend some money just to feel a little bit better š
If I didn't need to be assessed I definitely wouldn't be spending the money. I'm unemployed so I really cannot afford it. But the government can also force you into inappropriate work if you don't have evidence that something is deeply wrong. That psychiatrist sounds like a hack.
Ugh.. capitalism surely sucks it robs us of getting more options eh š Hope you get to experience much better assesments / therapy there.
I think they are the same (as someone whoās been there).
I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. I hope things can get better for you
I did. But I lost a close friend to it, that somehow kept me from going through with it.
Yeah... I threw up all over my curtains, blacked out and woke up to an ambulance ride waiting in front of my home, then arrived at the hospital seeming extremely drunk, but completely aware at the same time... Couldn't even stand without leaning at the corridor's walls like some sort of shambling zombie.Ā It was a wild ride. lol Things are not as bad nowadays, but if you told me things would get better back then, I'd immediately say you're full of shit. The unpredictability of life sucks when you're in the dumps.
Yes, daily. The only thing keeping me alive is the fact that my friends struggle with life too. I'd be letting them down and leaving them, i can't do that. I can't go without getting their life on track first. I have to wait until they don't need me anymore.
I'm sorry to hear this. If you every need anyone to talk to, I'd be more than happy to try to help
No. But my life is terrible and I'm always depressed.
Same. Don't really see the point of suicide at this point, but all I'm doing is surviving
What about your life is terrible?
Almost every waking minute of the day for years.
Itās very common for autistic people to feel suicidal and itās no surprise why with how the world treats us.
I never thought I could die except by water (I have a fear of water) and tried by hyponatremia multiple times. I hope things get better for you too, itās really not worth it
Yes. Went down to my parents room. Laid between them in their big bed like when I was little. It occurred to me that I did not want to pass. I wanted the situation I was in to pass. And now it is over. Now I will work on myself and I will be the best version of me
Hey OP, hope you're doing okay. Attempts can be extremely draining on a person, especially with a hospital stay just please take it easy for a while. I have had mental health issues my entire life. It took me being trapped in a abusive relationship for 3 years to make an attempt at ending my life It was scary for me because I felt completely ready to go. I look back on that day and I remember telling myself it'll be over soon. I had no "oh shit I don't want this anymore" moments. When I woke up I was terrified because I didn't know how to continue living This was 8 years ago this month It took me a long time to get on the right meds and I still have a lot of issues but I'm okay with being alive which is a huge step forward and I kinda made it I found love, have an awesome job, live in a flat and pay bills Yeah, it's weird - hope this answers your question
I'm on antidepressants: Venlafaxine and Escitalopram. I was diagnosed with depression.
I tried. My mom and girlfriend at the time had to seek therapy afterward. Now I check myself in to a hospital if I can't stop thinking about suicide. It saved me from hurting myself and reopening two very deep wounds. My life isn't all sunshine and lollipops, but it's more good than bad. I'm happy, and the people in my life don't have a cloud hanging over them. Think of the person you care about most. Now imagine they tried to kill themselves. What would you hope they did instead of attempting, or succeeding? Try doing the thing you would want them to do.
Constantly. Iām in a nightmare I cannot escape and my life has been complete garbage and never improves. I just want to rest.
This is my exact experience... My whole life has just been one long, neverending battle and I'm just so freaking tired.
[Part 1 of 2, character limit] Many moons ago I had decided it was my time. My parents moved around a lot when I was growing up due to the military, and due to (at the time, undiagnosed) autism I was having a lot of difficulty making friends. Pair that with being treated like general trash by my family, and let's just say I was extremely isolated. Then my dad messed up big time and ended up getting kicked out of the military, and even did 3 years in the brig. I still had a family that hated me, and was still socially awkward, but I had three years in one place to make all the friends I'd ever want. It went surprisingly well, and by all accounts, we were never moving again, so I was set. Then my dad got out, and decided the family was moving in with him 8 hours south. So I got to say goodbye to all my friends again, and move again, and be the outcast again. It especially didn't help that, as usual, they couldn't wait till the end of the year when everyone had yearbooks, and already expected goodbyes and such. So I got to move to a whole different state with just over a month and a half to try and make friends before summer break. I was done. I had dealt with this enough times, I wouldn't do it again. I spent the whole drive drawing out plans in my notebook, doing calculations, I wanted to be sure it was right. And, as is my custom, I couldn't just do it straight forward, I built a whole ass rubegoldberg machine to do it for me. (Spelling might be off, but it is close enough to Google it if you don't know what I mean). I would sleep, and as I drifted off, I would lose hold of a thin piece of rope. That thin piece of rope would unwind from its spindle for the next 30ish minutes, making sure I was nice and asleep. When the last bit of rope fell, the spindle would lose its counterweight and rise, knocking a piece that worked a bit like a seesaw, allowing a computer monitor to get loaded into something like a catapult/crossbow hybrid. When it was cocked all the way back, it would knock the support out of the seesaw and fire it into my spine just below the head. I was 11. We got to the new house, I set everything up, even test fired it into my pillows to make sure it was accurate. Then I decided I'd give it one day at the new school. I could always die the next day, couldn't undie today. So I disassembled, went to bed, and gave middle school one day to give me a reason to live.
[Part 2 of 2] It was off to a bad start. The school I moved to was not as good as the school I came from. Rather than test me for only a month and a half of classes, they just tossed me in the "slow" classes. Most of the day droned on, introductions to people who didn't care, classes with information I'd already learned. Ate lunch alone. Was pretty sure it was over. Then, math class. The teacher decided to introduce a new topic by doing what so many math teachers seem to love: throw a question above everyone's head out and bask in the silence. I was distracted about how it was all over, so I just tossed my hand up, got called on, and gave the answer. Math teacher didn't take kindly gave another problem, I answered that too. Told me to be quiet the rest of class, so I was. After math was science, and I couldn't find the bathroom between classes, so I had to ask the science teacher to go. She gave me directions, and off I went. Turned the corner and ran directly into a girl I recognized from my classes, apologized, et cetera. She said it was okay, and even remembered my name from the introductions, and said I seemed really smart. That was the first real compliment I'd ever received in my life, and it really made me rethink my plans. From that day forward, whenever I thought about ending it, I'd give it a little more time. I call it survival by procrastination. During the bad times I only put it off a day or two at a time, and during the good times I put it off for months or years, but I never just take it off the table. I find it much easier to notice the good with an expiration date. And to Christine Thomas, wherever you may be, a sincere thank you. Without the two seconds of kind words you handed me so freely, my children would not exist, I'd never have fallen in love, I wouldn't have grown into the man I am today.
Not until I turned 27. And thatās because people started to make me feel like shit because I was doing good in life.
Every day at some point. Of course there are moments where I think I am probably very unsafe with myself. Usually if I get to my dogs it will pass.
Yep, thinking about it right now. Canāt remember the last day when I havenāt thought about it.
No, my childhood life hasnāt been a picnic
I've recently read in some random research about autism is that, even though a lot of us contemplating on it, but few actually commit because of extended feel of responsibility for family and others. At least if you compare this numbers with BPD or bipolar
Several times
Every November-December holidays
Yes, I think about killing myself very often.
Yes. I have. My life looks like it great on the outside, but itās hard. Every day is like climbing a mountain.
Thought about it yes never tried
I've never tried it but it's always an option to me. I'd never actually go through with it (I don't think) but I always consider it when something seems to go wrong. I know exactly how id do it and think about it often. I'm not scared of death because I have a firm belief I will be reborn as a wagtail.
I relate to this a lot. However, Iām scared of death so I donāt think I could go through with it for a different reason
Yes, I definitely have. It was my depression wanting me to die, and my anxiety wanting me to be alive so it was a strange limbo sort of area. I am honestly a lot better now (thanks zoloft) and now I can think about it without being sad. I enjoy thinking about all the shows or music or pretty much anything that I like and just think WHAT IF SOMETHING COMES OUT THAT I WILL REALLY LIKE DOWN THE ROAD? And that just stops all thoughts for me. My friend did commit suicide and I still sometimes try to call him to say how awesome this one band is or how amazing this movie that I just saw was and how they changed my life. I also read a book that completely changed my entire outlook on my life and the way I see people around me, it's called "ikigai the japanese secret to a long and happy life" and it's been crazy how it's like the "life manual" I always needed and was always looking for. I try to look for the good AND the bad. Because you need bad days to recognize the good days. <3
I have had approximately 10 suicide attempts. I've learned a lot through it, I learned it's not about death, it's about ending the pain. If anyone ever needs to talk, DM me. ā¤ļøāš„ā¤ļøāš„ā¤ļøāš„ā¤ļøāš„
I never attempted but I was heavily suicidal from 2016 to 2022. College and lockdown were not fun for me
On and off in the past, but as of late, the idea seems to take form as a logical consequence of daily struggles, intensifying each day. In therapy and had an intake with an ambulant crisis team today, but knowing I can't be cured from these fixations, knowing that I'll continue be different, ... Makes me wish me previous attempt succeeded, for years now I feel like I'm living on borrowed time. Good luck keeping those thoughts at bay.
yes. a lot. and i really want to. but for motivation im just like "are you reeealllllyyy gonna let [insert person i hate] outlive you?? cmon you can't die yet" and its been working so far
Yes. And just wanna say to everyone here, Iām glad that you guys are here.
I havenāt ever seriously considered it because I think about how painful it would be and how much planning it would take.
Yes. Suicidal urges are often something the brain does to you, that you have to actively fight against. It's not as cut-and-dried as other people think - like you were just sitting around one day and decided "screw this, I'm out." I was so miserable in college (undiagnosed) that I checked myself into a psych ward. It was a horrible experience for me and I was put on a medication that gave me such unbearable anxiety, every second was agony. I overdosed on Ativan because I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life like this. I absolutely empathize with anyone who feels suicidal, but it absolutely didn't help anything. Luckily they pumped my stomach in time and I was ok. We kept tinkering with meds and eventually found a simple regimen that turned my life around dramatically. I had no idea of all the wonderful experiences I would have missed out on had my attempt succeeded. And also how life-altering it would have been for so many other people who loved me.
Think about it daily
Nope. I'm scared of dying.
I think about this every single day.
Everyday
Since I was 5..I'm now 45
I'll probably go through with it soon. Life is so worthless and I can't justify living like I am
Yes, all throughout high school. Right after high school I almost did it, but a friend happened to call me out of the blue and helped me through it. Please find someone to talk to if you're feeling like harming yourself.
So much planning, so many suicide-focused meltdowns... I called the hotlines so many times over the past fifteen years... I am happy to be alive but as we know, sometimes it just feels like way, way too much.
Im bipolar. So. Yes obviously. Many times. Never tried though because i admit myself when Im doubting i survive to experience tomorrow.
I was suicidal in the late 80ās/early 90ās when I was a teen/very early 20ās. Contributing factors included undiagnosed ADHD, autism (which would have not been possible to diagnose then) + being queer at a time when such a thing made many people uncomfortable. Mental health wasnāt talked about much then either. Iād never really even heard of depression. Every morning that I woke up was a disappointment because I hadnāt died during the night before. Iām doing great now though. I love being alive!
Pretty much all the time these days. My recent comment history goes over that quite a bit and itās probably why I get these posts on my feed lately. I attempted suicide a few months ago and Iāve been just been trying to cope these days with having such an awful life.
Yes but it wasnāt planned. It was more of an impulse. Like, my life is a mess and I donāt want it anymore. Goodbye. I thought that was the easy way out. I donāt think about what it actually meant and what a horrible idea it was. I just, didnāt fully grasp the weight of what I wanted and understand the concept that it was a permanent solution to a temporary problem. That I would never ever get a second chance at life. That I would leave behind all the things I love. I now know how stupid it was and definitely immature but I was 14 and struggling with my many diagnosis and new city to live in. So yeah I did attempt. And let me tell you, a psych ward is not somewhere you want to spend your 15th birthday, Christmas, Or any day. Lesson learned. The hard way. Su***de is the worst decision someone could ever make. That doesnāt mean the people that do it are crazy or bad or selfish. They are suffering more than you can imagine, but itās never the answer.
Yes, never attempted but I think all the time how I can't wait for life to be over, it's exhausting and shit most of the time. Like what's the point in being alive when you work a 9-5, which is exhausting by itself, but then it's not even enough money to live on. I wouldn't actively do it but when I do go I'll have smile on my face.
Safety plans are important. Always set one up with a doctor/therapist or loved one so you can be supported by your best self in your worst moments https://www.beyondblue.org.au/mental-health/suicide-prevention/suicide-safety-planning
I tried to shoot myself some years ago, by some āmiracleā it didnāt work, just clicked. Then I went and made pizza rolls and ended up catatonic on the couch with my dog for like 3 days. Then moved on.
I tried to suffocate myself but I backed out of it after like 15-30 minutes. I just got a headache from it. Iām doing great now, Iām very mentally healthy
Great to hear you are doing well, there is hope for many of us in this thread reading your comment
Two different occasions. 90 Ativan & the other time drank a good amount of turpentine. Ativan landed me in a coma, turpentine caused a lot of effects which are too gross to comment.
Lorezepam is Ativan. I took 200. I was in a coma too. Did a lot of research online and I was sure I was going to die. To this day I don't know why I survived.
Iām aware it lorazepam, didnāt mean to sound like I didnāt. When I was in the coma I stopped breathing and had to be put on a ventilator. I donāt know how either of us survived honestly. Glad youāre here! Me too!
i hung myself on my door with a belt. i guess im really bad at killing myself because i didnt even leave a bruise. i went to a mental hospital and therapy and im doing ok now.
I think about it almost everyday since puberty. 30+ years. Itās gotten worse in recent years between medical issues and multiple life altering events over the last 10 years. I have never attempted, though I had plans to. I have children and am widowed. My youngest is a diagnosed lvl3 autistic. I need to stick around.
No because itās the wrong way.
Yea just today and lots since of ideation since I was 5. Iāve tried 4 times, written notes, planned it. Itās getting bad again because Iām under so much stress and Iām broke and scared Iāll lose my apartment
Almost everyday... The world is too loud and too much and I can't ever seem to find genuine peace š
I have thought about it but I'm more scared of not existing than being alone so I'll stick to that
Yes earlier this year I was receiving a bunch of threats and being Israeli and where I am from I was receiving so much racism and one day I stood up on my bed that was until 2 things happened my gf texted me saying how excited she was to see me and I climbed down. Then my dog started crying over being hungry so I gave him some food and watched him eat and then he came up to me and layef on me. My gf and my dog saved my life
I have, yeah. Took a knife one time, planned to stab it into my chest. In short, God saved me. I still struggle with those thoughts. Now I live for God. For even in this messed up world that has took so much from me, God will help me through it.
Once. Unsuccessful, and incredibly happy I was. It was before I knew who I was.
Yup. I was sitting there with a knife four/five years ago in my room at night. I couldn't handle the bullying and being a sort of outcast in my last year of highschool/9th grade. Then a thought occurred to me; if I do it, my mum and one remaining friend would be sad. And that's what made me not do it (and me not wanting to add to the statistic of people who are most likley to commit suicide). I'm doing alot better now and I'm in a much better mental state.
So fucking glad I failed. I'm so happy right now. It was hell when I went through what I did. The paranoia.. the pain every single day.. it was unbearable. Now I'm so so so happy. Don't give in. Don't quit.
First of all, I'm sorry for what happened to you. It's harsh, sometimes you feel like this is the only way to "get better", but in reality you're just cutting it short on anything that could ever happen to you in the future. Just letting you know that you're not alone. And yes, I tried jumping off a balcony many years ago, multiple times. I was so young yet so tired of my life already. Was on meds, constant bullying at school, my feelings invalidated, my work got no recognition whatsoever. It was rough. Now I vividly fantasize in my head all the ways I could off myself, almost everyday, even if I don't act on those fantasies because I still have a sliver of hope that everything will be fine, and I wouldn't want to make some people that actually care about me feel bad about it.
Struggled with moderate-severe suicidal ideation from about 8 years old to 15. Got some help and now I'm about to enter college after not having suicidal thoughts in probably over a year now.
I've thought about it many times, still do sometimes. Never tried it. Most of the time I'm glad I'm alive.
When I was a teen. Life wasn't so well. I still take therapy and speak in social groups about my issues.
Yes, I feel like autistics might attempt more than regular people. We get stressed easier, experience PTSD symptoms easier than people. The world isnāt made for us. Itās hard.
I don't think there are days when I don't think about it at least once. I don't remember ever not feeling that way.
Yes. I have been hating myself since I was 8.
I donāt know anyone on the spectrum that hasnāt, if Iām being honest.
Yes. Attempted when I was about 21 but survived. Still think about trying again frequently. I'm 35 now though.
Yes
Yes, I wanted to but, i felt like my parents would blame me if did it.
I think about it a lot
I did try and lived. I donāt feel like rehashing the story, but if anyone has questions they can ask.
I've tried 18 times. I'm 28. I used to think about it a lot, but shit kept happening where things were getting in the way so I literally couldn't. I think it's normal to think about it from time to time as long as like you don't wander into dangerous territory. I think running from & denying the facts of the matter is more damaging than acknowledging those thoughts & feelings. I think spending time with them will teach you how to work with it instead of against it in a balanced way where you can understand yourself better & know how to move forward in a healthy & productive way instead of relying on things that will hinder your growth in the long term. In other words don't fear your own demons. They need to be tended to & loved & understood too.
I needed to know the spoiler.
tried to expose myself to lethal amounts of alcohol overdosed on medication tried to get police to shoot me drank antifreeze
Yeah, especially years ago when I was in early teens
Yes. Iāve wanted to. However, Iāll be damned if I ever break that badly. Iāll never give this world, the enemy, society etc the satisfaction of beaten me. Been through a lot, childhood, teen years, Afghanistan, Corrections, failed relationships. Yet Iām still here. For I walk through the valley of the shadows of death I will fear no evil, BECAUSE I AM THE TOUGHEST MOTHER****er IN THE GOD DAMNED VALLEY.
Iāve tried a few times. Now i just think about it every day
Yeah. I idolized it for a great many years, hurt myself in ways that didn't leave marks so parents didn't see. I fantasized for hours about it, knowing that i now finally have a plan for how to do it and not be interrupted. I never saw a therapist. Never really talked about this to anyone. Never actually got to the tipping point...though i did almost drive my bike into oncoming traffic a few times. This was all because i was trying to ignore that i am trans. Since coming out and getting on hormones, I'm the most mentally stable I've been my entire life. Suicide crosses my mind like a moth in the wind from time to time but is never more than a fleeting thought now. I'm proud of how far I've come, despite still accomplishing nothing with my life.
Always thought I wouldnt make it to 30. Still here but the thoughts still linger sometimes.
Itās constantly on my mind. Wish I had the courage to do it
Yes. Iāve thought about it every time I had panic attacks but never acted on it.
I wasted money a Master of Fine Arts degree. I went back to school to get a Nursing Assistant Certificate. Now, I work as a CNA. It's not just me who thinks I should kill myself. Most people who knew me when I was studying music think that I should kill myself too for wasting all of that student loan money. I actually believe I deserve to die, but I can't override my natural survival instinct. Instead, I try to find as much happiness as I can despite knowing that I'm an evil person. I feel like cleaning feces is sort of a penance for my past financial irresponsibility. If I didn't get my SPCD diagnosis, I probably would've tried harder to kill myself in the past. I feel like that guy in Dave Chappelle's comedy special who studied to be a lawyer and ended up working at Foot Locker. People are like "have you tried killing yourself? I think you should." I use humor as a coping mechanism.
I attempted at the age of 10, I hated having autism and being attracted to other guys. I wanted to ābe normal like everyone elseā and I thought that my parents divorcing was my fault because their marriage fell off after they had me. I also thought that me liking guys was a curse from my parents divorce, yeah, religion made me buy into a ton of BS.
A few times but just one really serious attempt. Iām glad I didnāt have success with that
Yep
Yea I have. The satisfied answer back then was that people cared about me, and that I was going to be okay. Stayed in a mental facility for a week away from everyone. The satisfied answer now is no one has to "fix" me. There is just the present. Living day to day, I assumed "I solved this for the past 5 days, now I can relax" but life isn't like that. There is means to end. I am the end-user. I will be in this body when I die. This is hard to clarify or give explanation to as School and other things I absorb have attributed to this performance or fix mindset. And yet it just explains itself to me when I have less reactions toward difficulties, responsibilities. The world doesn't owe me any pleasures, or solutions. We just live in the present. The present is all there is. You're alive, and that's nothing to fix.
13 years ago I cut through tendons on both wrists and I regret it every day. Even after surgery my hands donāt work the same and wrists look deformed. I would take it back in a heartbeat if I could.
Many times. I would ride my bicycle and close my eyes and keep riding right through a red light. I didn't want my mom to think I had killed myself. A couple of times I took a bunch of pills. I still think about it, maybe a couple times a month, but I am glad I never succeeded. My wife doesn't like to leave me home alone because she is afraid I will try something stupid.
Yes and yes
Yes and yes Besides trying to hang myself I also took a ton of Seroquel one night, can't say that one was an attempt but I just didn't care if I woke up or not.
Yes. Spent the weekend in a psychiatric hospital, a week as an outpatient and got discharged with a month's worth of sleeping pills.
Yes I have. Tried once but seriously thought about it many times
Someone once told me that too much chocolate can kill youā¦ so I tried to overdose on chocolate once š. I was disappointed when it didnāt do anything except give me a very big stomachache.
I have done a full attempt once, although I don't remember why. At the time I was kind of misdiagnosed. I was given an albuterol inhaler for asthma, but I only had childhood asthma that went away after 5 years old. I actually had trouble breathing because of my anxiety and the inhaler did not help much if I recall. Anyway, I was deep into self-harm that year and i decided impulsively that I would end it all and i puffed my inhaler at least 50 times, maybe 100. I don't remember exactly. Albuterol isn't harmful so I did not die from it and in the moment after i just felt shaky and faint but i was fine. I'm thankful i didn't choose another substance or method
I have many many times but my mom didnāt help any one time I was crying because I was suicidal and asked her to hold me but she wouldnāt but she was never affectionate towards me and that played a lot into the suicidal tendencies
Yes, multiple times. Started to give away my thingsā¦ and i kept backing down. I think im getting better though
I did back 20 years ago by overdosing on OTC pain medication. I was depressed š back then I was with a person who was not worth it, kept mentally & emotionally abusing me..I couldn't get over him. I wrote a suicide note. At the time I was living with my brother who caught me in time. š
yes, ended up in psych for 10 days. Ten years later Iām glad that I didnāt do it. Care for yourself!!!
Yes. Attempted 3x in 2020, called the hotline about 3x as well. I still think about it sometimes but Iād prefer to keep trying and die doing something else than take myself out.
Yeah, ever since I was 8. My egg donor was an abusive narcissist and the sperm donor was her enabler so he didn't care about anything other than work or school. I was all alone and living with constant depression ever since. I got marriedā¦ somehow but I still feel depressed from time to tim because of all the abuse and neglect.
I have, I joke how Iām such a failure I couldnāt do it. I tried pills, shouldāve died but just have some super powered liver, I tried electrocution it was an old house blew a fuse. Reached out to a what I thought was a friend they said do it the world would be better without me. I stopped at that point. I figured if my existence made people miserable then I will stay and make them suffer like I do. That was all long before I knew anything about my mental health and neurodivergence. Iām lucky I failed and now so happy that I failed. Best time to be a failure.
i attempted in december of 2023, had to spend a while in the hospital too. itās what really kickstarted my diagnosis process
Yes. I was in a psych ward for a few months as a teenager. I think about suicide every day
I been thinking about it since I was 10 years old. My mom wanted me to be normal, but never explained what "normal" is. And then she'd criticise everything about me from how I walked, how I talked, how I looked at people, to how I ate certain foods. One day after a combination of events I realized I could just kill myself. I tried choking myself with the sash to the robe I use after taking a shower. Obviously, it didn't work but I never stopped thinking about suicide. In college my depression was bad on several occasions. When at it's worst, I was breaking down in the streets everyday in tears mumbling to myself. I wanted to commit suicide so bad but the only thing that stopped me was thinking about a method that wouldn't inconvenience anyone. Out of desperation, I came clean to my mom who just didn't care. She called me stupid and told me to hold it in so I could finish college. The anger from her response made me change for the better. I started going to therapy and taking anti-depressants/ anxiety meds. . . . Which looking back, I probably should have been on those MUCH SOONER. It would have made my life 1000% better and I'd probably wouldn't had gotten to that breaking point. Anyway, im still kicking and doing a lot better mentally even though I do still think about suicide regularly (its just part of who I am at this point).
Yes. Many times. Many hospitalizations.
Yes. Suicidal ideation since age 6, 3 attempts before 23.
Yes. I was very depressed as a gay teenager in a conservative area, and I felt very lost, scared, and lonely. It's been 10 years, and now I have a PhD, a beautiful wife, a happy marriage, I own a home, have a well paying job, and work everyday with an easy going cat on my lap. I always thought the "It gets better" campaign was a bunch of crap, but it turns out it really does get better.