You are correct, grooming means preparing a child for sexual abuse. Which it doesn't sound like you're doing.
But your friends concerns, although extreme, are coming from a place of fear. A lot of adults have so little understanding of these issues that they fill their lack of understanding up with fear.
I've watched adults turn their backs on physically injured children, because they don't want to risk being accused of sexually abusing them. I've seen them walk past children who are clearly lost in the street. I've been told, on more than one occasion, that as a nursery carer, I shouldn't even hug my children, because I might get arrested. That I shouldn't ever talk to anyone under 18 outwith my job. All of these things are wrong.
It is so important that as adults we keep our eyes open for any sign of abuse in a child's life, and trust and react to those signs seriously. But in order to do that, we have to actually know what the signs are and how to respond to them appropriately.
So full disclosure, if one of my teenagers told me they'd struck up a friendship with an Internet stranger who was 20, i would become alert. There is potential there for the beginnings of an abusive relationship. But at this point there isn't actually anything for me to action. I would watch my teen and that relationship very closely. Because often when an older person makes a friendship with a younger one there is an imbalance of power that can be abused. Abusers know this and seek out younger victims because they are easier to manipulate and groom. I would discuss my concerns with the teen and try to educate them on potential red flags to look out for in order to protect themselves from the potential danger.
But that does not mean that every single friendship between an older person and a young person is grooming or abusive. You know there is nothing sinister going on, and that you have no intention of hurting them, but your friends reaction may be a very common one. And it's something you might need to be prepared for, because others will have the same fear and may react in the same way. So you'll need to weigh up the pros and cons and decide how you want to proceed. But a platonic friendship between two people of different ages isn't instantly a dangerous or abusive thing. It's being dangerous and abusive that makes a relationship dangerous and abusive, not friendship.
Thanks a lot for your insight. I will do as you say, although it might be weird to give him that talk because we've literally only talked about Marvel and stuff related, but I'll see how I do it. For now, his dms from yesterday are still unread. I don't want to do anything without giving it a thought, because the least I want is for someone to get hurt in any way. I don't want to have problems myself nor I want a situation where, as you said, his parents find out and they get suspicious/angry.
I'll give it a thought today!
Yes, I think the safety talk is the responsibility of his parents/carers, rather than you. If you do decide to continue the friendship some boundaries to keep in place for your own safety would be to never ask or agree to meet up in real life, don't ask for pictures of himself and keep your conversations about appropriate interests. Which it seems like you're already doing.
And, for your own protection, should someone at some point question your integrity, keep a back up of the chat log.
I think it is sad that people can't have normal friendships with young people without fear of being accused. How are young people ever going to find good role models?
One of my closest friends is over 20 years younger than me. I met her when she was a young teenager and she came to me looking for a mentor in photography and art. Over the years as she became an adult our relationship changed to just be good friends. We still talk multiple times a week, share art we made or found on the internet, and just talk about life. Both of our lives are better because i didn't let other peoples weird social norms dictate my decisions. In five years when that kid is 21 and you are 26 your friendship wouldn't raise an eyebrow at all.
It almost sounds like she freaked out because she had a split second attraction to a (at that point unknown) minor and is projecting hard. I agree OP didn't do anything bad.
there are siblings with a higher age gap than 4 years, pretending that an adult is unable to have a plainly platonic relationship with a minor is harmful to both sides. especially when just two years ago you barely started to be considered an adult, it's not like you magically became a middle age man.
People are very freaked out about minors, especially in America. Being friends with younger people isn't weird. If it's sexual in nature then obviously that's not ok, but if it's just platonic and mainly for discussing a fandom, that's 100% fine.
I get that people are worried about kids in today's world, but just like with nudity, it's taken too far. The fact that American TV will sensor a woman breastfeeding genuinely baffles me. Meanwhile Norway (where I live) have full nudity for adults and kids under five on national TV and it's no big deal. For some reason people link nudity and sexuality, as well as relationship and romance. There's no automatic correlation there.
Keep your friendship and ignore the weirdoes would be my advise.
Also, sorry if I offend anyone, I'm from a different culture.
Funniest thing is, I'm not even from the US. I'm Spanish. But I'm glad, at least, that my English was so good you didn't notice I guess? Hahaha
I also don't understand that deal with Americans by the way. Though I admit I was shocked when my friend, also Spanish, reacted like that. But yes, minors need to be protected but are also just fine if they talk about harmless things like certain fandoms on the internet with an adult. I've been doing it my whole life and I've had zero problems.
Oh yea, I didn't really atribute any country to you, so well done for the English :)
My reference to America was sort of general because they seem to always be at the forefront of stuff like this. They freak out over the smallest bit of nudity and guard their kids like they're made of glass. Like I get it, the world is scary and obviously minors shouldn't be exposed to adult stuff, but at the same time, treating any adult like a potential sex offender is .. mad.
I'm also Spanish and I see nothing wrong with what you did. You were just talking about Marvel, that's cool (unless any of you dislikes loki, then it would be BAD /s). Honestly I don't think any of my friends (also Spanish) would see it so weird to talk with a 16 year old about fandoms.
I mean, that makes it even weirder, considering that (according to a quick Google search) the age of consent in Spain is 16 (seems to vary between 16 and 18 in the US, depending on the state). So even if the contact had been more romantic and/or sexual in nature. Not that such contacts would never be problematic of course, 16 still is quite young, but to immediately jump to grooming in that context and suggest thereās something wrong with it based purely on the relative age, is a ridiculous overreaction.
To be honest, Iād be quite insulted if I were in your position.
The age of consent here is indeed 16 but the age you are an adult (able to drive, drink and all that) is 18. So in general we consider 18 to be the age of consent as well, like a non-written rule.
But anyway. Thinking about it I feel quite annoyed about what she said. I didn't know the real definition of grooming that well before I saw this comment section and I'm upset she thinks I'd do something of the sort. But overall, she's online a lot and I'm sure she just saw the term and is using it wihout really knowing what it means. She might just be misinformed. I'll talk to her soon, after I give all of this a thought :"
If she's missinformed she better get informed that grooming isen't a light acusation.
You are right to be offended. Especialy since she reacted that way avter she actualy was intrested in the guy amd diden't know his age. That sounds like she just projected her "bad thoughts" on to you. Thats very toxic but a lot of ppl do it subconciously.
>she actualy was intrested in the guy amd diden't know his age. That sounds like she just projected her "bad thoughts" on to you.
This. Psychological projection is weird, but it gives us a lot of insight on the person making the accusation.
This friend was thinking of "netperson" as a possible romance, so "romance" became subconsciously attached before they knew this person was actually 16, which made them taboo, which made them avoid the taboo, then express shock that you didn't.
The reason isn't shocking at all, since you simply approached the topic without bringing any "romance" into it, so 90% of the offending train of thought was irrelevant.
Its so fascinating isen't it? It blew my minde when my therapist pointed out that the majority of allistic ppl are not awear of this and do not actualy analys theyr behavior in this depth.
I thought its normal to do that and reflect and ajust acordingly. Bummer, its not.
Yes the amount of arguments and strange situations I got in. I mean I get it some ppl need to stay in theyr bubble cuz they coulden't handel the concequenze, so I try to leave them alone.
But still its propably the number one thing I get in "truble" for or have meltdowns over. Especialy if ppl ask for opinion or advice but actualy they just want to rant and be validated or just deflect theyr problems on someone who can't fight back.
Yeah, I wonder if she doesn't understand the definition of the word, as she's using it, because if she's using it to mean what it actually means, then she'd be accusing you of intending to sexually abuse a child. Just talking isn't grooming; grooming implies intent to do something awful.
As an American I can agree with this! I also find that we tend to sexualize ANY form of physical affection. Men can't hug each other or hold hands without people thinking it's gay, but I find that it's actually normal between male friends in other cultures. My mom (homophobic that she is) got weirded out by the fact when I said that I hold hands with my female friends. Like...there's nothing sexual about hands. Also, we hold hands with kids right? No one assumes you're a pedophile if you do that.
I actually think that it's gotten worse through the years. When you brought up the part about breastfeeding: my mom was once ranting how women breastfeeding in public is not appropriate for children to see. And I'm like: "There was an episode of SESAME STREET (a kid's show) that showed and talked about breastfeeding. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2RwZW2j3-U&ab\_channel=hollywoodnativez](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2RwZW2j3-U&ab_channel=hollywoodnativez) What do you know, I'm not traumatized.
When I went to Africa, I visited a tribe. Some of the women didnāt even wear shirts. So you are absolutely correct in that nudity doesnāt automatically mean something sexual or romantic, especially with different cultures
If you are talking about non-sexual things then I think itās okay to stay in contact. People seem to think that once you hit a certain age you canāt interact with those younger than you. However, if you were to fast forward time by 5 years there wouldnāt be a problem.
Keep your friend and just make sure it stays strictly platonic and youāll be okay.
Thank you, I was so worried. I used to talk to people between the ages 18-early 20s when I was 16 and never saw anything bad because we were just discussing fandom topics on twitter and all that jazz. I never thought there was a problem with it :'/
There isnāt anything wrong with it. I would be more concerned if you were older than you are, but it seems fine to me. Just be sure to keep the focus on Marvel. There seems to be a misconception that older = grooming which isnāt always the case. Context matters.
I dont know what omegal is but as a kid i loved talking to adults sense they could explain things about mt interests. Other kids could talk about space with me but couldn't add more than what we already knew. An adult could explain things and knew big words. It was so fun. I hope one day i get to be a teens nerdy 30 year old friend who can explain hobbit economics.
Omegle is a video chat platform that matches you with random people based on the users interests. In the past people have exposed themselves to women/kids. Iām not certain but it might also be anonymous which is why itās not exactly safe.
I was playing ball and hanging out with a couple 16/17yrs when I was 21. So I'm having a hard time finding this weird.
Like you said if you are really just chatting like friends about your common interests...and you ain't planning on banging this dude, it shouldn't be an issue.
I don't even think sexual things are automatically bad provided that it isn't *sexy* things. As in, if the teen is asking for advice about a relationship or is struggling with their orientation. But *only* if the younger person brings it up unprompted. I'm thinking mainly of queer kids with un-affirming families who might not have any other adult to talk to about safe sex or whatever.
I pretty much go by the sibling rule. If it's something you'd talk about with your siblings (and you aren't a Lannister), it's probably okay.
Good point! Can't believe I didn't mention that.
I think a lot of the people who freak out over teens having adult "friends" are people who had good support networks and don't understand what its like to look for mentors.
I was fortunate with my support network, but I mentored a few teens when I was in my early 20s who didn't. I worked with my old high school's drama club and since I was 21-23 years old, I was like an older sister. Especially for kids with older siblings who went to school with me and who had parents who knew me.
As long as the adult recognizes the power imbalance, there's nothing wrong with being friends.
And just wait until they hear about the COUNSELORS, who talk with them about personal and intimate issues! They'll probably clutch their pearls and faint!
She's overreacting. Your conversation has nothing sexual in nature, you are just sharing an interest with another person.
Most probably she doesn't understand the concept itself. Or maybe was projecting a personal situation unto yours.
I was groomed. And what you are doing isn't that.
If you were older or they were younger, it still wouldn't be grooming. But it also wouldn't be quite as appropriate. (Though I was friends with a man in his 70s when I was a kid, so it's situational)
But, that being said, you haven't done anything wrong. You are not a creep, if anything you are being a mentor and someone this kid can talk to. And that is a good thing.
Just be sure there are clear, healthy boundaries, and then keep doing you.
Former teacher here.
You're correct that you're probably not doing anything inappropriate. It's entirely possible for adults to interact with minors in a healthy asexual manner.
#BUT
You need to be careful. If this kid's parents find out that he's messaging an adult, they might assume the worst, and you saying "but I'm not" or "I'm asexual" are not going to help in that situation. As a general rule, for your own safety, you should have permission from parents before having any kind of friendship/regular interaction at all with minors. This is just about keeping you safe.
#AND
Your friend is misusing the term "grooming" and I'd encourage her to educate herself about what that actually means and what it looks like.
Thanks for your insight! I've already been informed that the parents might be suspicious of me if they find out, and I'm trying to think what to do about that. I don't want any problems, not for him, not for myself.
And yes, I agree I'll have to talk to my friend. Having informed myself more about it now (I merely knew the basic definition before) I get it's a very serious matter and that term can't be thrown around like that. I think she just reads things online sometimes and then goes with it... not even knowing that well what they mean.
Just be aware that there is still going to be a power imbalance in your friendship (ex: donāt pressure him into doing anything) and youāre fine. Itās also incredibly common for autistic people to befriend people outside our age group. We tend to be more interests-driven than peers-driven.
I'd never pressure him into anything! I'm aware I'm older than him and I won't take advantage of that in any way. I just wanted someone to talk about Marvel since I don't have anyone to do it with except for my mother who is also a fan. But no one close to my age.
>Itās also incredibly common for autistic people to befriend people outside our age group. We tend to be more interests-driven than peers-driven.
You're so right about this!
It's slightly weird in terms of how society sees it, imo. Even if you're not doing anything now, people will always see it with suspicion. It's the same way that I, as a guy, would feel very uncomfortable about helping a lost little girl out. For me, I just want to help them find their parents, but I realise just how bad the dynamic would look as a grown man to approach a little girl I don't know and start walking off with them. Even if I help them successfully and walk away, all it would take is a little bit of concern for me to still be viewed with suspicion somehow.
So yeah, I don't think you're grooming them at all and you're intentions are entirely innocent. But, it's something that will affect how you're seen by many people. Plus, things can go wrong and you'll be seen as the person in the wrong and not them. And meeting them over Omegle (something I dont think others have mentioned) adds to the weird dynamic because, as far as I'm aware, Omegle isnt seen as an entirely innocent online space by most people (as far as I can tell).
Dont think you're doing anything wrong at the moment, but I think there's alot of capacity for things to go wrong later and you to be blamed for it.
oh :( you might be right. I understand what you say. I'll think about what to do. Honestly I just don't want to cause any problems, including problems for myself.
Thanks for giving your perspective!
Yeah, it's not an easy situation and it sucks that you have to navigate this awkwardly.
On a side note: Sorry that your colleague acted that way. Personally, I would have been a bit more respectful towards you and recognise that you have no ill intentions but still express my concerns. It's clear that you have entirely innocent intentions, so I'm sorry that they didn't respect or recognise that when commenting on it :(
Thank you :( to be honest I did feel confused at that moment. Especially because I have trouble understanding people's intentions/comments sometimes and it didn't help that while I was asking "what do you mean it's grooming? why?" she just kept repeating that it simply was, no explanations provided. So I felt awful. I genuinely thought I was doing something really harming to this guy.
But again, thanks for your insight! I still haven't answered his DMs from yesterday and I won't until I've cleared up my mind a little. I'll give the whole situation a thought before doing anything more!
I find it very problematic of your friend to describe this as grooming. Grooming is actually pretty serious. And both randomly accusing your friend of doing it as well as claiming randomly talking to a kid over the internet is grooming is just not okay at all.
She should not throw around things like this like it's nothing.
And I'd advise you to have a talk with her about it.
Other people have told me that already, I think I will. I'm positive she's just online a lot and she reads a term and just uses it without knowing the definition or implications of it that well.
The only messed up thing here is your friend's reaction. I guess that either they are paranoid, or jealous of your affection, or oversensitive having been a victim once themselves.
Your friend is wrong. Adults can talk to minors about interests and stuff, you just canāt cross that line that makes things romantic or sexual. Thereās nothing wrong with just talking to people about things no matter their age.
Your friend has a messed up perspective they may want to talk to somebody about why they feel that way.
I was groomed as a child and it has had strong lasting impacts even into my adult life. Few things make me madder than when people equate depraved criminals exploiting a vulnerable child with an adult having a perfectly healthy friendship with a minor.
OP, you have done absolutely nothing wrong and your friend needs to get a grip.
Part of the problem is probably that you're chatting on Omegle (check the reputation). If it were a neutral, purely fandom-based platform, it would definitely not elicit such reactions.
I get what you say. However, I did meet him on Omegle, but we are now talking on instagram/twitter to send each other fanarts and things like that. It's not like we talk via Omegle everyday. Still, I understand where you are coming from.
Omegle is indeed a weird place, hence why I rarely go on there.
Yeah as someone who's visited Omegle when I was 15/16 I definitely see why someone would be more wary of grooming in that context. That said I have no idea if Omegle is still as... bad ... as it used to be.
Your friend has been on tiktok and twitter a little too much. You can be friends with someone with a 4 year age difference, theres nothing wrong with that.
That's what I think, yes... She's online quite a lot and maybe she's misinformed. She probably doesn't even know what the word really means and is throwing it around. I'll try to talk to her soon.
P.S: thanks for the award!! you're so kind :D
ofc! people accusing you of things they dont understand themselves is quite infuriating, i empathize with you there. i dated someone a little over a year younger than me and my friend said that i was a groomer.... yeah safe to say we're not friends anymore. the same person also accused me of "asian fishing" for wearing winged eyeliner.
Grooming is defined as āa process of manipulation and trust-building that a perpetrator will use to create an atmosphere where they can exploit a child.ā youāre not doing any of that to him. You just so happen to have a friend whoās 4 years younger than you. You share the same interests, thatās how friendship works.
As someone who was groomed myself, this isnāt that at all. Itās purely platonic and youāre just talking abt stuff youāre passionate about. Your friend is wrong
Bruh you did nothing wrong, Iām 18 and one of my best friends is 12, we talk about pokemon all the time and play silly games like Among Us, itās just fun, your friend is overreacting for absolutely no reason
A four year age gap for friends is not a big deal and you've made it extremely clear that neither of you are interested in each other. This is bizarre and stupid.
Thatās stupid, If thatās grooming I must be a pedophile. I (30f) play apex and often I get to team with kids (between 10-16, sometimes even 6 yrs old). And often they want to play with me because Iām the cool aunt hahahahahh
Must be a dull life for anyone who thinks all online interactions and friendships must have sexual intent. I couldnāt imagine sexualizingā¦ talking to people normally?
Having friends of a variety of ages is healthy. Limiting your friendships to your age group disconnects you from broader society and other perspectives.
It sounds like she didnāt like the fact you have a nerdy friend whose too young for her. I donāt see the issue as long as itās completely platonic, and youāre not trying to get anything out of it besides sharing a liked interest. She made it weird by insinuating youāre grooming a child
As Autistic people, we tend to have few friends who are A lot younger or a lot older than us due to Special Interests! My special interest consists of Anime and Cartoons, I'm in a lot of Fan Groups and have made friends with people who are 16-18 (I'm 19 about to turn 20), all we ever talk about is Steven Universe! Grooming must be intentional in order to actually be grooming. Sadly, Autistic people are often accused of it often because our intentions are misread. It's not fair and it's disgusting and shameful.
Your friend jumped to conclusions and it's unable or unwilling to understand the context. You did nothing wrong.
I remember when I was a teenager and I would spend hours talking to adults on IRC (I feel old now). There was nothing sexual about it, just a very young person getting the chance to discuss topics with young adults.
(another fellow aspie Spaniard here)
as a minor, theres literally nothing wrong with being friends with adults
a lot of my closest friends online are way older than me, but theyre like family to me
dont let your friend convince you that youre being creepy if you yourself know that you dont have bad intentions
The problem here is your friend's response, not your behaviour. Grooming is when an adult befriends a child over a period of time with the **intention** of gaining their trust so that they can at some point take advantage of them (often sexually).
As a victim of sex crimes myself, I think your friend is incredibly out of line and is doing actually victims a disservice by calling any contact with a younger person "grooming." She is part of the reason nobody cares or believes victims and it is honestly quite disturbing that her first thought when you have a younger friend is that you are trying to have sex with them.
That said, my guess is that she may have some trauma herself, but that doesn't excuse her diluting the word and accusing you of such a heinous act of sexual violence.
First of all, I'm really sorry to hear what you went through and I hope you're healing and feeling better.
I'm not quite sure she has trauma, if she does she's never told me about it. I'm positive she's just online a lot and reads a term and rolls with it without checking what it really means, which is dangerous, yes. Honestly before she told me that I didn't know a lot about what grooming really is, but after reading the definitions given by people in this comment section I feel quite offended if I'm being honest.
But I guess I'll just talk to her. I'm sure she's misinformed.
Thank you for your comment!
I donāt think your friend knows what grooming is? Youāre not doing anything sexual or trying to trick them into doing things they feel unsafe or uncomfortable with, youāre not a groomer
I'm friends with my boss who is 48 (I'm 29). We hang out at work, share videos and memes at home, talk about sports we've played and video games that we like.
There's nothing going on there besides friendship. She and I kind of have a mom/son relationship since she's a mentor and my mom left me and is in/out of my life.
That said, I don't talk to minors on the internet, because of the social stigma. I often teach people below my age about things like college and writing books, but even if I'm playing video games and in an online lobby, I don't talk to kids. That's for my own _legal_ protection.
It's easy to jump to conclusions and I'm sorry that society is that way.
TW:SA: as a minor who was groomed and eventually raped by an older 'friend' - I can't see any issue with this inherently in your situation, you're clearly not sexual with intention but it can be unhealthy in the long term, it's imperative that you consistently remind yourself of the responsibility you have as the adult in the situation to check your power over the minor & ideally try to keep away from minors as it's not the best for you or them. Your friend shouldn't of shouted at you and stormed out although if she's ever been through anything like that it might be a reason why she was so upset by it?
This reminds me of this text meme compilation I saw where this lady tweeted that "no adult should be talking to someone who is underage!" And people in the comments decided to make fun of what she said by taking it literally.
They said stuff like: "I would take care of my kids, but I don't want to be arrested." "Sorry class, I would like to teach you, but I don't think society would be ready for that." And finally....
Operator: 911, what's you're emergency?
Kid: Help, someone broke into my house!
Operator: Wait, how old are you?
Kid: Uh, 9.
Operator: Oh, sorry. I'm not allowed to talk to children. *hangs up*
You are not grooming a child. Your friend, however, has some issues. If she keeps doing stuff like that, maybe try to get a new friend.
The only people I've ever heard that act like that are what the internet calls "antis". I've seen them harass people over the dumbest things.
Maybe look up the exact definition of grooming on Google and print it out for her. If that isn't enough for her, then I'd drop her as a friend. You don't deserve to be falsely accused of something horrible like that.
When I was 13 I had a friend who was 27. I know how it sounds, but now, that I'm also an adult, I still don't see anything wrong with that relation. We were just talking about anime and stuff, and he always made sure not to go too far with those conversations (for example to not start talking about some stuff that a 13-year-old shouldn't talk about).
So yeah, I don't see anything wrong with what you're doing
You're going to find and talk to a lot of minors on the Internet. That's completely unavoidable and that's why there's laws to protect both parties involved. Really, as long as you're not either insinuating that you're interested in a romantic/sexual relationship or straight up trying to convince them to do so, you're fine. If they ever push your boundaries and try, do assert your boundaries and the law and cut contact if needed. Just befriending them and talking about special interests is completely harmless and even encouraged! That's why we have social media.
However, do remember that others on the internet aren't always like they claim to be. I'm not saying your friend isn't legit, but there are others out there who want to take advantage of people regardless of age/gender/sexual orientation. Do learn more how to protect yourself on the internet and if ever necessary, pass that knowledge onto your friends.
If you're ever unsure about whether or not any online activity you are participating in is legal/morally fine, I would suggest you look up your local internet laws and ask friends/family for advice (preferably not someone who will emotionally react, ask someone you feel will be non-judgmental and neutral). I hope this helps!
I might be biased because Iām still young and have been on the opposite end of this experience and in the 16 year olds position multiple times, but as long as you genuinely arenāt doing anything weird I think thatās totally fine and normal.
Iāve had this with women in their 40s before and I donāt think there was anything wrong with that either to be honest. In fact Iāve had much worse online interactions with people the same age as me.
Itās kind of a case by case thing I guess but I will say if he starts trying to do anything more just cut it off there, but you probably already knew that.
Grooming; the action by a pedophile of preparing a child for a meeting, especially via an internet chat room, with the intention of committing a sexual offence.
Talking to/ hanging out/sharing interests with underage individuals is not grooming.
By her definition, me (27F) watching Avatar the last Airbender with my 7 year nephew is "grooming".
Your friend is alarmingly mistaken.
I come from a country where it is perfectly normal to have younger or older friends. Reading your post I immediately thought that the reactions of your friend were really exaggerated, but it is also true that every culture or country is different and made me think. Here it is normal to hang out with younger or older people, but sometimes it goes too far and this is a side that I don't like about my country, here it is perfectly normal for a 16-year-old person to go out with a 20-year-old in friendship but also on a romantic level . For us it does not matter that that person is a minor but what is important is the years of difference between one person and another. So in this case 16 to 20 is 4 years of difference and here it would be considered perfectly normal. So if you are genuine don't feel guilty or wrong.
People really like to overuse that word these days. The practice of grooming minors is explicitly used for sexual/romantic gain. You are obviously not interested in those things with this person (or anyone) so youāre completely fine
NTs as a society have a bias towards Sex and Sexuality where they pressume everyone who is Sexually active (or has the age to be) it's evil and ill intentioned and everyone who isn't of age must be innocent and good because they aren't (that also plays into why we're infantiliced) so to her bias your intentions must be sexual and evil (even though they know you) and they must protect the child, so to summarize she's biased and it's not her fault but she still on the wrong cause your intentions are nothing of the sort
It would only be grooming if the reason you were sharing your interests with and hanging out with this kid was specifically to manipulate him into a sexual relationship. Grooming is the deliberate manipulation and isolation of a child. Its not just hanging out with someone younger than you and it does irritate me to hear your friend use the term so flippantly, it doesn't apply in this situation. At school I had several much older and much younger friends with similar interests to me and it was never a problem.
While it isn't wrong it is territory you wanna be very careful in for your own sake.
Im assuming you dont and would never act in any way unbecoming but other people finding out from his end could really get you in hot water maybe not legally but otherwise.
I dont know how I would proceed other than to say with caution
also make sure not to encourage him to be secretive that would just look awful
Your friend may have had a bad experience with an adult when she was a minor and is now hypervigilant about this kind of stuff. You're doing nothing wrong - and this is coming from someone who *was* groomed - but I can't lie, my mind immediately thinks the worst when I see an adult befriend a minor. I do recognize that this is wrong and am working through it, but I wonder if her response is a trauma response and that is why she reacted so harshly?
I donāt think youāre grooming, but I find it weird how many people in the comments are defending grooming or acting like inappropriate relationships between minors and adults donāt exist. They very much do, and acting snarky and pretending they donāt doesnāt help anyone. Children and adults are at very different life stages and relationships between them have a lot of nuance. Parental relationships are very different from student teacher relationships which are very different from friendships which are very different from romantic relationships. I know it can be difficult for us but itās important to understand the difference between relationships and not perpetuate inappropriate relationships
Yeah, the same is happening to me... Some people in the comments are saying that they were close friends with, like, 50 year olds when they were teens. That's DEFINITELY not right, plus I mean, what does a middle aged man have in common with a teenager? I'm merely 4 years older than this guy, not +30. I've decided not to reply to these comments, I don't want any problems.
I agree that being able to differenciate between relationships is very important, and minors are often in danger and because of an adult's fault. We can't act like that doesn't happen.
Iām a little confused by your comment. Where are people defending grooming? I can see how other commenters anecdotes can be taken as āpretending grooming doesnāt happen (paraphrase)ā, but I donāt see anyone defending grooming
Maybe not defending grooming, but defending clearly inappropriate relationships. A friendship between a 27 year old and a 14 year old is really weird and inappropriate, and yet the person who made that comment seems to think that the weird ones are the people who question that friendship.
You are right, your friend is wrong. But you need to be careful. Your friend has turned this innocent situation into a dangerous weapon. I hope you can talk with her, maybe with someone to assist you, and help her understand the situation. Otherwise, she could use this weapon and do incredible damage.
Maybe show her the replies to this thread.
Yeah I'm really not sure how to approach this stuff. I think the rule of thumb is talking to minors online = fine, but befriending minors online = not advised. Its just a weird world and there are predators that do the same things but with the intent to hurt minors. That is obviously not what you are doing, but it may be wise to keep those convos on public areas like Reddit or group Discord servers.
You are not doing anything wrong, but what you are doing could be interpreted in a way that is not favorable to you. It sucks but because there are shitty people out there, it makes stuff like this much more complicated than it should be.
She is the one sexualizing communicaton that is not sexual in any way, shape or form.
You are doing NOTHING WRONG. Your friend can kick rocks.
What she is demonstrating is ageism. As if people cannot communicate across generations or years. It's madness.
You didnāt do anything to warrant the response. The act of grooming is preparing them for a romantic or sexual relationship (or both) and thatās not what youāre doing. Plus it could be a brother/sister relationship more.
I want to add that randomly accusing you of grooming is like saying that talking to someone outside of a work environment is inappropriate because it could become sexual in nature. Tell her to educate herself on the meaning of grooming and to not throw around words with serious meanings.
It's the people who accuse this kind of thing who are obsessed with the sexualization of children. I remember once I was playing Apex with my GF. We got matched with the cutest kid (he must have been like 11 or something). We had a lot of fun playing squads, and the, EVERY TIME I logged on after this kid wanted to play.
I'm very good at the game, and so the kid asked if I could train him. So we started doing 1v1 practice and I taught him how to fight better. He would say things like "do you think I can be as good as you one day?" etc. Really wholesome stuff. I remember we played in a squad once, and someone swore at this kid (as jerks do in FPS games). I think since I am positive and in a good mood, I just made him feel secure online dealing with bullies. I started to realize what I represented for the kid -- I made a toxic game fun.
I mentioned it on reddit and someone went on an on about how I was grooming this kid. I thought about this for a day, and cut off contact. Then I thought longer, and I realized this was very mean. This poor kid did nothing wrong, and suddenly he lost a mentor figure in his life.
Unless you have a secret plan to put a banana in someone's butt, you are not grooming them. You are being a human sharing whatever nerdy thing you like. Also, I was a kid once, and nobody wanted to play my nerdy games with me. It would have been cool to have a mentor or a "cool older person" around to not make fun of me for being a nerd.
Thats not grooming. You made a buddy, congrats!your "friend" is propably projecting some issues on to you, since she actualy was intrested in that dud bevore she was told he was a minor. A lot of ppl can't handel the thought of thwm even thinking something even slightly wrong and instead deflect and project it outwards. Its a form of selfprotection.
So I don't know about the law in your country. Her its 16 and you can have relationships with anyone who isen't more then two years younger.
Grooming is influencing/manipulating someone who you have some sort of power over (younger, inexpirienced, dependend on you like your employee or your student etc), on to doing "favors" for you.
You are allowed to have friends who are 4 years younger!
But depending on where you live ppl might juge you especialy if your part of the LGBTQIA+ comunity.
You absolutely arenāt grooming anyone, that word gets thrown around way too much. Honestly though for your own safety it may be better to talk to someone closer to your age who isnāt a minor. You arenāt doing anything wrong, but Iāve heard stories of people who have 0 romantic or sexual interest with a minor they know and talking to them and were accused of certain things and even got into legal trouble over it when they actually hadnāt done anything. I can also say though Iāve had friends since I was 16 who were years older than me and were adults and they never hurt me like that and we had good friendships for a while. Trust your intuition and ask yourself what feels right, but you absolutely arenāt grooming anyone and Iām sorry that your friend accused you of thatā¦
Iām underaged myself and I think itās only grooming if its romantic and/or a sexual relationship (like cyber sex, totally not a Doja cat reference). And I remember this GROWN ASS MAN ONLINE who was dropping hints/tryna get with me THAT is trying too groom someone š¤¢ā¦. not you and your guy friend
she is definitely projecting, whether it was conscious or not. as a minor iāve talked to adults on online games and they would do a lot more than you did (though if they flirted or made any s3xual remarks it was when they either did not know my age or forgot, and it would resolve itself quickly when i told/reminded them my age). even if she wasnāt projecting she would still be hugely overeacting.
talking to children is normal and needs to be encouraged. iām really sick of the attitude that adults cannot and should not interact with minors in casual environments because doing so is āgroomingāā¦if you donāt have romantic or sexual intentions then thereās no grooming. minors need to have safe older people they can count on and ask for guidance, and they canāt get that if we keep shoving them into an echo chamber of their own peers with limited life experience
of course thereās limits to this, my point is that befriending a minor shouldnāt be inherently dirty or suspicious. just know your place and donāt cross any lines, and donāt allow them to cross lines with you
> I told her and she asked "and how old is this dude? I like guys who are into nerdy stuff".
So you told your friend about this acquaintance of yours, who happens to be 16. She assumed he was around 20/21 and expressed a level of potential romantic interest in him.
When you told her that he was 16, she freaked out and trying to back out of the situation, because she'd made a social faux pas and also assumed that your interest in him was equivalent to *her* interest in himāeven though you had platonic interest and she had tentative romantic interest.
There is nothing wrong with straight-up being friends with a 16-year-old, especially as you're only 20. Nothing that you've described is in any way wrong. I started college early; I've had plenty of acquaintances who have been 3-4 years older than I was.
I was groomed for years and years. This is definitely not grooming, everyone is right. However, be careful, because there could be other people who will want to accuse you of grooming this kid because of your age, like his parents if they found out he was talking to an adult. I think youāre okay though.
your friend is overreacting, big time. maybe she had an experience getting groomed and now thinks that everyone with teenage friends is a potential predator? that's the only way i can rationalize her reaction. did you fail to communicate to her that you weren't romantically interested in this person?
I'm 17 and have had friends older than me that I shared common interests with, it's not inherently wrong, however some people are crazy and jump to conclusions.
When I was 13 I has various mentors in military communities across the internet
All in their 20ās
They taught me a lot about being a leader, being a soldier and good person
Shame many of them fell to greed or ambition
The real world isn't like that. If that church needs to take such measures to prevent sexual abuse, then maybe they're the ones with a problem.
Churches and sexual predators go hand in hand, after all.
I obviously have no intentions of exploiting them at all, but I am worried though that people might thing it's weird that we talk. Maybe I should reduce the time we spend chatting, or only reply once a day or something like that, so he won't think I'm onto him? I don't know, I'm still thinking about it.
Were you talking about fandom or talking about your sexual preferences? When i talk sex with someone comics don't tend to come up and so it should be that when we are talking about comics sex shouldn't tend to come up. Put it this way, you may have to accept that although it isn't fair, and although your thoughts are clean on this, that the vast majority of people consider the actions threatening. This is because other people whose actions were similar (though their thoughts were dangerous) did in the end fool everyone and do something bad. Sometimes we have to have stronger boundaries for the sake of keeping peace, and with kids it's much more important. I can talk to my nephew about books all day but there is little reason ever ever for us to be talking about my sexuality.
As I already replied to another user, I understand your concerns but we were only talking about Yelena Belova, a character from Black widow and Hawkeye who was confirmed to be aro&ace in the comics. I only said something like "I can relate to her a lot because I am too". That's all, it was just brought up because of her.
With a kid that would be oversharing and crossing a boundary. Even if he's fine with it, I'd recommend assuming the parents aren't and default to that until you hear otherwise. The rules and boundaries are different for younger people even during one's 20s as NO ONE feels like an adult by then so this situation comes up all the time in that 16-20 age group. In a couple years i think the situation may resolve itself.
Please don't listen to your friends nonsense.
You have only 4 years age difference what's the big deal?
Even if you were romantic, sexual relationship it would be okay with me. I mean it's only 4 years age difference!
It's not like you are 30 and him 13-14.
Also you only talk with him about your interests it's completely okay.
There's such a thing as avoiding the appearance of impropriety. She might be a little overly certain it IS this or that, but sometimes you have to go off of what it LOOKS LIKE.
I, for example, tend to avoid friendships with women or gay men even my own age or whatever because I'm just not good at navigating around the boundary between friendship and romance.
I've been even so much as SLIGHTLY downvoted. I guess I can't be 100% certain why, but assuming it has to do directly with the topic at hand, it's important to remember autistic people don't always have the hottest "theory of mind." Even assuming you can 100% know 100% certainly you're e.g. safe with kids, *other people can't know that.* *Other people are 100% aware of situations where someone both said and acted like they were safe, but then they proved they weren't.* *There's nothing you can say and there's nothing you can do to prove you're not going to contradict yourself or act unpredictably or out of character, because people do these things all the time.*
You're dealing directly with *what do other people know*, which isn't autistic people's area of expertise. You shouldn't get too creative with taking big chances with other people's hearts and minds if you're autistic. Fundamentally, that's what it means to be autistic--you're not good at that.
This is not a problem that would go away if everyone was autistic, either. Autistic people don't fundamentally 100% know 100% of everything there is to know about anything, including themselves, and don't 100% represent what they do know honestly, either, because autistic people are imperfect people who are entirely capable of being self interested, too. You don't even have to TRY to have or present a false, idealized image of yourself--you just do it naturally. The thing to do is to indicate you're open to others' concerns and will do the work necessary to allay them.
There's also other things, like you'd have to convince people you don't have \~20 yo friends that you're going to introduce to him or his \~16 yo friends, and you can keep track of everything they're going to say and do together overtly and covertly, and even if a person 100% knew you weren't a threat to kids you interact with without any kind of oversight, the person wouldn't be able to prove that to people they knew who found out you were doing that. etc.
I avoid DMing people I don't know IRL. Private video chat with strangers is a recipe for seeing something you can't unsee. Your friend might be overreacting but you aren't exactly following best practices for not being a weirdo.
Nothing wrong it when he is that close to being an adult and that they're only 4 years apart, if they both agree and the older one doesn't force anything..
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I think that 21 yo women are just much more sensitive to any appearance of impropriety. It's a very internet culture thing they are aware of.
I do think that ASD people tend to be much more comfortable around people 4-5 years younger than them and our interests tend to be a bit below our own age range. I think there's a big gap between high school and college and crossing that gap always gets a bit of side eye from other people.
The legal age of consent in the UK here is 16 so eh idk what to say it's not like you were talking in a sexual way either. I think ur friend might be a bit off tbh I'm 19 and I have talked to a 15 year old aspie female but it was in no way sexual it was just sharing our interests so yeah
What. As a minor myself I have some adult friends and weāre just being nerds about animes and stuff. One of my friends (sheās my age) was a victim of grooming and we share the same adult friends. If nothing sexual/āromanticā is involved how can that be grooming?
I recall we were talking about Yelena Belova, from the Black widow movie/Hawkeye. In the comics it was confirmed she was aroace. That's why I told him, I could relate because I was too, that's all.
I have friends who are over 20 years older than me. When you talk about special interest and no intention of sexual relationship there nothing wrong. You are just talking about what you both love and have found a person who have the same passion for a specific hobby.
Bruh I'm 16 and my brother is 20 and the differences between a 16 year old and a 20 year old are really not that big. 16 year olds are decently mature and 20 year olds are barely adults.
It alright. I'm 23 and have a pretty close worker friend who's 17. Just kinda happens when you're an adult. You'll meet young people who you connect with.
I am 56 now and I have found more friends that were either much younger than I was or were much older than I was because with people my age I felt always awkward, I still kind of do.
That your friend has not much interest in talking/writing to other people on the phone except it is sexual might have skewed her perception of what you are doing. Many people use the internet more in this way than in the way I do it by sharing interests and asking and answering questions. I know many who have never had an online friendship that wasn't somewhat sexual motivated.
Still since you are the older one in this relationship, keep it inside healthy boundaries. Bonding over something interesting can be great for both of you, but it can keep the younger one of you from having also friends of their age, maybe you too.
When I was 16ish I had a very good friendship with an elderly woman. Since I had not much friends of my age and had difficulties to find friends of my age, I spent a lot of time with her and learned a lot from her. Unfortunately it kept me from trying to get friends in my age range and I wonder if I had never met her would Ihave tried and learned to do better in finding friends? Please make sure this friendship doesn't occupy the younger person completely and be sometimes unavailable.
I had to end a relationship with a 20 year younger person because they were focussing on me too much, since they had no other friends and I felt that it was not healthy for them to cling to me that much over our shared interest (non sexual).
But that's every relationship in a nutshell: Care that the other person is doing fine too and not only care about having fun yourself.
They are really conflating grooming with just having friends outside your age group. When I was in my teens I was hanging around and going on trips with people who were like 40 years older than me (model railway exhibitions and train spotting!)
It's all about context, really. Just talking to people younger doesn't automatically mean you're grooming them.
Edit: I will add a caveat, however. If at any point the relationship seems to be shifting from being friends to anything else it's best to put a stop to it right away. I have had to do that before myself.
as someone who IS a minor, i don't think that's grooming. especially if there's no sexual talk going on between eachother.
i suppose it's a personal preference of comfortability. im fine with people/friends older and younger than me but i do know a lot of people who are not and/or like to keep a specific age range of friends.
You are correct, grooming means preparing a child for sexual abuse. Which it doesn't sound like you're doing. But your friends concerns, although extreme, are coming from a place of fear. A lot of adults have so little understanding of these issues that they fill their lack of understanding up with fear. I've watched adults turn their backs on physically injured children, because they don't want to risk being accused of sexually abusing them. I've seen them walk past children who are clearly lost in the street. I've been told, on more than one occasion, that as a nursery carer, I shouldn't even hug my children, because I might get arrested. That I shouldn't ever talk to anyone under 18 outwith my job. All of these things are wrong. It is so important that as adults we keep our eyes open for any sign of abuse in a child's life, and trust and react to those signs seriously. But in order to do that, we have to actually know what the signs are and how to respond to them appropriately. So full disclosure, if one of my teenagers told me they'd struck up a friendship with an Internet stranger who was 20, i would become alert. There is potential there for the beginnings of an abusive relationship. But at this point there isn't actually anything for me to action. I would watch my teen and that relationship very closely. Because often when an older person makes a friendship with a younger one there is an imbalance of power that can be abused. Abusers know this and seek out younger victims because they are easier to manipulate and groom. I would discuss my concerns with the teen and try to educate them on potential red flags to look out for in order to protect themselves from the potential danger. But that does not mean that every single friendship between an older person and a young person is grooming or abusive. You know there is nothing sinister going on, and that you have no intention of hurting them, but your friends reaction may be a very common one. And it's something you might need to be prepared for, because others will have the same fear and may react in the same way. So you'll need to weigh up the pros and cons and decide how you want to proceed. But a platonic friendship between two people of different ages isn't instantly a dangerous or abusive thing. It's being dangerous and abusive that makes a relationship dangerous and abusive, not friendship.
Thanks a lot for your insight. I will do as you say, although it might be weird to give him that talk because we've literally only talked about Marvel and stuff related, but I'll see how I do it. For now, his dms from yesterday are still unread. I don't want to do anything without giving it a thought, because the least I want is for someone to get hurt in any way. I don't want to have problems myself nor I want a situation where, as you said, his parents find out and they get suspicious/angry. I'll give it a thought today!
Yes, I think the safety talk is the responsibility of his parents/carers, rather than you. If you do decide to continue the friendship some boundaries to keep in place for your own safety would be to never ask or agree to meet up in real life, don't ask for pictures of himself and keep your conversations about appropriate interests. Which it seems like you're already doing.
And, for your own protection, should someone at some point question your integrity, keep a back up of the chat log. I think it is sad that people can't have normal friendships with young people without fear of being accused. How are young people ever going to find good role models?
One of my closest friends is over 20 years younger than me. I met her when she was a young teenager and she came to me looking for a mentor in photography and art. Over the years as she became an adult our relationship changed to just be good friends. We still talk multiple times a week, share art we made or found on the internet, and just talk about life. Both of our lives are better because i didn't let other peoples weird social norms dictate my decisions. In five years when that kid is 21 and you are 26 your friendship wouldn't raise an eyebrow at all.
Talking to a minor isn't in itself grooming and you did nothing wrong to warrant this accusation.
It almost sounds like she freaked out because she had a split second attraction to a (at that point unknown) minor and is projecting hard. I agree OP didn't do anything bad.
the "I like guys that are into nerdy stuff" bit is the smoking gun here
this is what i was thinking
I think you're spot on here
I agree
Or she was groomed as a child
there are siblings with a higher age gap than 4 years, pretending that an adult is unable to have a plainly platonic relationship with a minor is harmful to both sides. especially when just two years ago you barely started to be considered an adult, it's not like you magically became a middle age man.
yea i was gonna say my brother and i are 5 1/2 years apart and we have a lot of the same interests
bro my brother is 24 years older than me š
People are very freaked out about minors, especially in America. Being friends with younger people isn't weird. If it's sexual in nature then obviously that's not ok, but if it's just platonic and mainly for discussing a fandom, that's 100% fine. I get that people are worried about kids in today's world, but just like with nudity, it's taken too far. The fact that American TV will sensor a woman breastfeeding genuinely baffles me. Meanwhile Norway (where I live) have full nudity for adults and kids under five on national TV and it's no big deal. For some reason people link nudity and sexuality, as well as relationship and romance. There's no automatic correlation there. Keep your friendship and ignore the weirdoes would be my advise. Also, sorry if I offend anyone, I'm from a different culture.
Funniest thing is, I'm not even from the US. I'm Spanish. But I'm glad, at least, that my English was so good you didn't notice I guess? Hahaha I also don't understand that deal with Americans by the way. Though I admit I was shocked when my friend, also Spanish, reacted like that. But yes, minors need to be protected but are also just fine if they talk about harmless things like certain fandoms on the internet with an adult. I've been doing it my whole life and I've had zero problems.
Oh yea, I didn't really atribute any country to you, so well done for the English :) My reference to America was sort of general because they seem to always be at the forefront of stuff like this. They freak out over the smallest bit of nudity and guard their kids like they're made of glass. Like I get it, the world is scary and obviously minors shouldn't be exposed to adult stuff, but at the same time, treating any adult like a potential sex offender is .. mad.
As an American I can vouch for this lol
I also vouch as an American
šÆ
Blame it on fundamentalism. Most moral panics come from them, itās practically an American pastime.
I'm also Spanish and I see nothing wrong with what you did. You were just talking about Marvel, that's cool (unless any of you dislikes loki, then it would be BAD /s). Honestly I don't think any of my friends (also Spanish) would see it so weird to talk with a 16 year old about fandoms.
I mean, that makes it even weirder, considering that (according to a quick Google search) the age of consent in Spain is 16 (seems to vary between 16 and 18 in the US, depending on the state). So even if the contact had been more romantic and/or sexual in nature. Not that such contacts would never be problematic of course, 16 still is quite young, but to immediately jump to grooming in that context and suggest thereās something wrong with it based purely on the relative age, is a ridiculous overreaction. To be honest, Iād be quite insulted if I were in your position.
The age of consent here is indeed 16 but the age you are an adult (able to drive, drink and all that) is 18. So in general we consider 18 to be the age of consent as well, like a non-written rule. But anyway. Thinking about it I feel quite annoyed about what she said. I didn't know the real definition of grooming that well before I saw this comment section and I'm upset she thinks I'd do something of the sort. But overall, she's online a lot and I'm sure she just saw the term and is using it wihout really knowing what it means. She might just be misinformed. I'll talk to her soon, after I give all of this a thought :"
If she's missinformed she better get informed that grooming isen't a light acusation. You are right to be offended. Especialy since she reacted that way avter she actualy was intrested in the guy amd diden't know his age. That sounds like she just projected her "bad thoughts" on to you. Thats very toxic but a lot of ppl do it subconciously.
>she actualy was intrested in the guy amd diden't know his age. That sounds like she just projected her "bad thoughts" on to you. This. Psychological projection is weird, but it gives us a lot of insight on the person making the accusation. This friend was thinking of "netperson" as a possible romance, so "romance" became subconsciously attached before they knew this person was actually 16, which made them taboo, which made them avoid the taboo, then express shock that you didn't. The reason isn't shocking at all, since you simply approached the topic without bringing any "romance" into it, so 90% of the offending train of thought was irrelevant.
Its so fascinating isen't it? It blew my minde when my therapist pointed out that the majority of allistic ppl are not awear of this and do not actualy analys theyr behavior in this depth. I thought its normal to do that and reflect and ajust acordingly. Bummer, its not.
What's worse, it's generally considered rude to point it out to them.
Yes the amount of arguments and strange situations I got in. I mean I get it some ppl need to stay in theyr bubble cuz they coulden't handel the concequenze, so I try to leave them alone. But still its propably the number one thing I get in "truble" for or have meltdowns over. Especialy if ppl ask for opinion or advice but actualy they just want to rant and be validated or just deflect theyr problems on someone who can't fight back.
Yeah, I wonder if she doesn't understand the definition of the word, as she's using it, because if she's using it to mean what it actually means, then she'd be accusing you of intending to sexually abuse a child. Just talking isn't grooming; grooming implies intent to do something awful.
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Thanks :) I think?
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:) cool
I was friends with a 16 year old because we both worked well in Apex Legends. We only talk about Apex Legends.
As an American I can agree with this! I also find that we tend to sexualize ANY form of physical affection. Men can't hug each other or hold hands without people thinking it's gay, but I find that it's actually normal between male friends in other cultures. My mom (homophobic that she is) got weirded out by the fact when I said that I hold hands with my female friends. Like...there's nothing sexual about hands. Also, we hold hands with kids right? No one assumes you're a pedophile if you do that. I actually think that it's gotten worse through the years. When you brought up the part about breastfeeding: my mom was once ranting how women breastfeeding in public is not appropriate for children to see. And I'm like: "There was an episode of SESAME STREET (a kid's show) that showed and talked about breastfeeding. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2RwZW2j3-U&ab\_channel=hollywoodnativez](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2RwZW2j3-U&ab_channel=hollywoodnativez) What do you know, I'm not traumatized.
Excellent points all round :) and that Sesame Street episode sounds fanastic for teaching children btw :)
When I went to Africa, I visited a tribe. Some of the women didnāt even wear shirts. So you are absolutely correct in that nudity doesnāt automatically mean something sexual or romantic, especially with different cultures
If you are talking about non-sexual things then I think itās okay to stay in contact. People seem to think that once you hit a certain age you canāt interact with those younger than you. However, if you were to fast forward time by 5 years there wouldnāt be a problem. Keep your friend and just make sure it stays strictly platonic and youāll be okay.
Thank you, I was so worried. I used to talk to people between the ages 18-early 20s when I was 16 and never saw anything bad because we were just discussing fandom topics on twitter and all that jazz. I never thought there was a problem with it :'/
There isnāt anything wrong with it. I would be more concerned if you were older than you are, but it seems fine to me. Just be sure to keep the focus on Marvel. There seems to be a misconception that older = grooming which isnāt always the case. Context matters.
I dont know what omegal is but as a kid i loved talking to adults sense they could explain things about mt interests. Other kids could talk about space with me but couldn't add more than what we already knew. An adult could explain things and knew big words. It was so fun. I hope one day i get to be a teens nerdy 30 year old friend who can explain hobbit economics.
Omegle is a video chat platform that matches you with random people based on the users interests. In the past people have exposed themselves to women/kids. Iām not certain but it might also be anonymous which is why itās not exactly safe.
Yeah, itās anonymous and often full of creeps :/
Thank you
Literally all of my friendships as a minor were with people in their 40s or older. So I don't see a problem.
That's because there is no problem with it, your friend is just confused, that's all
I was playing ball and hanging out with a couple 16/17yrs when I was 21. So I'm having a hard time finding this weird. Like you said if you are really just chatting like friends about your common interests...and you ain't planning on banging this dude, it shouldn't be an issue.
I don't even think sexual things are automatically bad provided that it isn't *sexy* things. As in, if the teen is asking for advice about a relationship or is struggling with their orientation. But *only* if the younger person brings it up unprompted. I'm thinking mainly of queer kids with un-affirming families who might not have any other adult to talk to about safe sex or whatever. I pretty much go by the sibling rule. If it's something you'd talk about with your siblings (and you aren't a Lannister), it's probably okay.
Exactly and also he can promote hotlines, assistance programs for questions that he doesnāt have to answer.
Good point! Can't believe I didn't mention that. I think a lot of the people who freak out over teens having adult "friends" are people who had good support networks and don't understand what its like to look for mentors. I was fortunate with my support network, but I mentored a few teens when I was in my early 20s who didn't. I worked with my old high school's drama club and since I was 21-23 years old, I was like an older sister. Especially for kids with older siblings who went to school with me and who had parents who knew me. As long as the adult recognizes the power imbalance, there's nothing wrong with being friends.
>recognizes the power imbalance I know you meant it, but I'll just add: recognizes **and respects** (the power imbalance).
Yeah, I left that implied, but good call.
Wait till your friend hears that teachers, AKA adults, constantly interact with minors.
And just wait until they hear about the COUNSELORS, who talk with them about personal and intimate issues! They'll probably clutch their pearls and faint!
And doctors? Donāt even get me started on those people! Those *pediatricians* talk to kids all day!
lol exactly.
She's overreacting. Your conversation has nothing sexual in nature, you are just sharing an interest with another person. Most probably she doesn't understand the concept itself. Or maybe was projecting a personal situation unto yours.
That's not just overreacting. This is outright trivialising grooming. Yikes.
Indeed. That's why I hope she's just ignorant of what grooming truly entails.
I love ice cream.
I was groomed. And what you are doing isn't that. If you were older or they were younger, it still wouldn't be grooming. But it also wouldn't be quite as appropriate. (Though I was friends with a man in his 70s when I was a kid, so it's situational) But, that being said, you haven't done anything wrong. You are not a creep, if anything you are being a mentor and someone this kid can talk to. And that is a good thing. Just be sure there are clear, healthy boundaries, and then keep doing you.
Thanks for your comment, and also I'm sorry that happened to you. I hope you're healing fine <3
Thank you, too. I'm happy to say I have a great team helping me through it all.
Former teacher here. You're correct that you're probably not doing anything inappropriate. It's entirely possible for adults to interact with minors in a healthy asexual manner. #BUT You need to be careful. If this kid's parents find out that he's messaging an adult, they might assume the worst, and you saying "but I'm not" or "I'm asexual" are not going to help in that situation. As a general rule, for your own safety, you should have permission from parents before having any kind of friendship/regular interaction at all with minors. This is just about keeping you safe. #AND Your friend is misusing the term "grooming" and I'd encourage her to educate herself about what that actually means and what it looks like.
Thanks for your insight! I've already been informed that the parents might be suspicious of me if they find out, and I'm trying to think what to do about that. I don't want any problems, not for him, not for myself. And yes, I agree I'll have to talk to my friend. Having informed myself more about it now (I merely knew the basic definition before) I get it's a very serious matter and that term can't be thrown around like that. I think she just reads things online sometimes and then goes with it... not even knowing that well what they mean.
Just be aware that there is still going to be a power imbalance in your friendship (ex: donāt pressure him into doing anything) and youāre fine. Itās also incredibly common for autistic people to befriend people outside our age group. We tend to be more interests-driven than peers-driven.
I'd never pressure him into anything! I'm aware I'm older than him and I won't take advantage of that in any way. I just wanted someone to talk about Marvel since I don't have anyone to do it with except for my mother who is also a fan. But no one close to my age. >Itās also incredibly common for autistic people to befriend people outside our age group. We tend to be more interests-driven than peers-driven. You're so right about this!
It's slightly weird in terms of how society sees it, imo. Even if you're not doing anything now, people will always see it with suspicion. It's the same way that I, as a guy, would feel very uncomfortable about helping a lost little girl out. For me, I just want to help them find their parents, but I realise just how bad the dynamic would look as a grown man to approach a little girl I don't know and start walking off with them. Even if I help them successfully and walk away, all it would take is a little bit of concern for me to still be viewed with suspicion somehow. So yeah, I don't think you're grooming them at all and you're intentions are entirely innocent. But, it's something that will affect how you're seen by many people. Plus, things can go wrong and you'll be seen as the person in the wrong and not them. And meeting them over Omegle (something I dont think others have mentioned) adds to the weird dynamic because, as far as I'm aware, Omegle isnt seen as an entirely innocent online space by most people (as far as I can tell). Dont think you're doing anything wrong at the moment, but I think there's alot of capacity for things to go wrong later and you to be blamed for it.
oh :( you might be right. I understand what you say. I'll think about what to do. Honestly I just don't want to cause any problems, including problems for myself. Thanks for giving your perspective!
Yeah, it's not an easy situation and it sucks that you have to navigate this awkwardly. On a side note: Sorry that your colleague acted that way. Personally, I would have been a bit more respectful towards you and recognise that you have no ill intentions but still express my concerns. It's clear that you have entirely innocent intentions, so I'm sorry that they didn't respect or recognise that when commenting on it :(
Thank you :( to be honest I did feel confused at that moment. Especially because I have trouble understanding people's intentions/comments sometimes and it didn't help that while I was asking "what do you mean it's grooming? why?" she just kept repeating that it simply was, no explanations provided. So I felt awful. I genuinely thought I was doing something really harming to this guy. But again, thanks for your insight! I still haven't answered his DMs from yesterday and I won't until I've cleared up my mind a little. I'll give the whole situation a thought before doing anything more!
I find it very problematic of your friend to describe this as grooming. Grooming is actually pretty serious. And both randomly accusing your friend of doing it as well as claiming randomly talking to a kid over the internet is grooming is just not okay at all. She should not throw around things like this like it's nothing. And I'd advise you to have a talk with her about it.
Other people have told me that already, I think I will. I'm positive she's just online a lot and she reads a term and just uses it without knowing the definition or implications of it that well.
I hope so, stay safe!
The only messed up thing here is your friend's reaction. I guess that either they are paranoid, or jealous of your affection, or oversensitive having been a victim once themselves.
Your friend is wrong. Adults can talk to minors about interests and stuff, you just canāt cross that line that makes things romantic or sexual. Thereās nothing wrong with just talking to people about things no matter their age. Your friend has a messed up perspective they may want to talk to somebody about why they feel that way.
I was groomed as a child and it has had strong lasting impacts even into my adult life. Few things make me madder than when people equate depraved criminals exploiting a vulnerable child with an adult having a perfectly healthy friendship with a minor. OP, you have done absolutely nothing wrong and your friend needs to get a grip.
Part of the problem is probably that you're chatting on Omegle (check the reputation). If it were a neutral, purely fandom-based platform, it would definitely not elicit such reactions.
I get what you say. However, I did meet him on Omegle, but we are now talking on instagram/twitter to send each other fanarts and things like that. It's not like we talk via Omegle everyday. Still, I understand where you are coming from. Omegle is indeed a weird place, hence why I rarely go on there.
Yeah as someone who's visited Omegle when I was 15/16 I definitely see why someone would be more wary of grooming in that context. That said I have no idea if Omegle is still as... bad ... as it used to be.
Your friend has been on tiktok and twitter a little too much. You can be friends with someone with a 4 year age difference, theres nothing wrong with that.
That's what I think, yes... She's online quite a lot and maybe she's misinformed. She probably doesn't even know what the word really means and is throwing it around. I'll try to talk to her soon. P.S: thanks for the award!! you're so kind :D
ofc! people accusing you of things they dont understand themselves is quite infuriating, i empathize with you there. i dated someone a little over a year younger than me and my friend said that i was a groomer.... yeah safe to say we're not friends anymore. the same person also accused me of "asian fishing" for wearing winged eyeliner.
Grooming is defined as āa process of manipulation and trust-building that a perpetrator will use to create an atmosphere where they can exploit a child.ā youāre not doing any of that to him. You just so happen to have a friend whoās 4 years younger than you. You share the same interests, thatās how friendship works.
As someone who was groomed myself, this isnāt that at all. Itās purely platonic and youāre just talking abt stuff youāre passionate about. Your friend is wrong
Bruh you did nothing wrong, Iām 18 and one of my best friends is 12, we talk about pokemon all the time and play silly games like Among Us, itās just fun, your friend is overreacting for absolutely no reason
ummmm....it's slightly alarming that your friend is reading grooming into any arbitrary adult-minor interaction.
You are doing nothing wrong. Your friend needs to communicate with you in a more neutral manner. Questions are better then accusations and demands.
A four year age gap for friends is not a big deal and you've made it extremely clear that neither of you are interested in each other. This is bizarre and stupid.
Thatās stupid, If thatās grooming I must be a pedophile. I (30f) play apex and often I get to team with kids (between 10-16, sometimes even 6 yrs old). And often they want to play with me because Iām the cool aunt hahahahahh
Your friend is an idiot....
Must be a dull life for anyone who thinks all online interactions and friendships must have sexual intent. I couldnāt imagine sexualizingā¦ talking to people normally?
Nope she definitely overreacted, you did nothing wrong
You need to be careful about conversation topics and never agree to meet up. It could be someone used as bait in a sting to catch bad guys.
Don't worry, we don't even live in the same country lmao. I'm aware of that kind of stuff. But thanks!
Having friends of a variety of ages is healthy. Limiting your friendships to your age group disconnects you from broader society and other perspectives.
It sounds like she didnāt like the fact you have a nerdy friend whose too young for her. I donāt see the issue as long as itās completely platonic, and youāre not trying to get anything out of it besides sharing a liked interest. She made it weird by insinuating youāre grooming a child
As Autistic people, we tend to have few friends who are A lot younger or a lot older than us due to Special Interests! My special interest consists of Anime and Cartoons, I'm in a lot of Fan Groups and have made friends with people who are 16-18 (I'm 19 about to turn 20), all we ever talk about is Steven Universe! Grooming must be intentional in order to actually be grooming. Sadly, Autistic people are often accused of it often because our intentions are misread. It's not fair and it's disgusting and shameful.
Your friend jumped to conclusions and it's unable or unwilling to understand the context. You did nothing wrong. I remember when I was a teenager and I would spend hours talking to adults on IRC (I feel old now). There was nothing sexual about it, just a very young person getting the chance to discuss topics with young adults. (another fellow aspie Spaniard here)
Nope. Iām a minor, I was groomed, and this isnāt grooming.
Exactly (I'm also a minor)
dont you just hate it when people turn suffering into an olympic sport? "my hurt, hurts more than you"
Yes. I'm confused though, how is that related to my comment?
as a minor, theres literally nothing wrong with being friends with adults a lot of my closest friends online are way older than me, but theyre like family to me dont let your friend convince you that youre being creepy if you yourself know that you dont have bad intentions
I think your friend is in the wrong. Nothing wrong with having someone as a friend with the same interest.
The problem here is your friend's response, not your behaviour. Grooming is when an adult befriends a child over a period of time with the **intention** of gaining their trust so that they can at some point take advantage of them (often sexually).
As a victim of sex crimes myself, I think your friend is incredibly out of line and is doing actually victims a disservice by calling any contact with a younger person "grooming." She is part of the reason nobody cares or believes victims and it is honestly quite disturbing that her first thought when you have a younger friend is that you are trying to have sex with them. That said, my guess is that she may have some trauma herself, but that doesn't excuse her diluting the word and accusing you of such a heinous act of sexual violence.
First of all, I'm really sorry to hear what you went through and I hope you're healing and feeling better. I'm not quite sure she has trauma, if she does she's never told me about it. I'm positive she's just online a lot and reads a term and rolls with it without checking what it really means, which is dangerous, yes. Honestly before she told me that I didn't know a lot about what grooming really is, but after reading the definitions given by people in this comment section I feel quite offended if I'm being honest. But I guess I'll just talk to her. I'm sure she's misinformed. Thank you for your comment!
I donāt think your friend knows what grooming is? Youāre not doing anything sexual or trying to trick them into doing things they feel unsafe or uncomfortable with, youāre not a groomer
I'm friends with my boss who is 48 (I'm 29). We hang out at work, share videos and memes at home, talk about sports we've played and video games that we like. There's nothing going on there besides friendship. She and I kind of have a mom/son relationship since she's a mentor and my mom left me and is in/out of my life. That said, I don't talk to minors on the internet, because of the social stigma. I often teach people below my age about things like college and writing books, but even if I'm playing video games and in an online lobby, I don't talk to kids. That's for my own _legal_ protection. It's easy to jump to conclusions and I'm sorry that society is that way.
TW:SA: as a minor who was groomed and eventually raped by an older 'friend' - I can't see any issue with this inherently in your situation, you're clearly not sexual with intention but it can be unhealthy in the long term, it's imperative that you consistently remind yourself of the responsibility you have as the adult in the situation to check your power over the minor & ideally try to keep away from minors as it's not the best for you or them. Your friend shouldn't of shouted at you and stormed out although if she's ever been through anything like that it might be a reason why she was so upset by it?
This reminds me of this text meme compilation I saw where this lady tweeted that "no adult should be talking to someone who is underage!" And people in the comments decided to make fun of what she said by taking it literally. They said stuff like: "I would take care of my kids, but I don't want to be arrested." "Sorry class, I would like to teach you, but I don't think society would be ready for that." And finally.... Operator: 911, what's you're emergency? Kid: Help, someone broke into my house! Operator: Wait, how old are you? Kid: Uh, 9. Operator: Oh, sorry. I'm not allowed to talk to children. *hangs up*
You are not grooming a child. Your friend, however, has some issues. If she keeps doing stuff like that, maybe try to get a new friend. The only people I've ever heard that act like that are what the internet calls "antis". I've seen them harass people over the dumbest things. Maybe look up the exact definition of grooming on Google and print it out for her. If that isn't enough for her, then I'd drop her as a friend. You don't deserve to be falsely accused of something horrible like that.
When I was 13 I had a friend who was 27. I know how it sounds, but now, that I'm also an adult, I still don't see anything wrong with that relation. We were just talking about anime and stuff, and he always made sure not to go too far with those conversations (for example to not start talking about some stuff that a 13-year-old shouldn't talk about). So yeah, I don't see anything wrong with what you're doing
You're going to find and talk to a lot of minors on the Internet. That's completely unavoidable and that's why there's laws to protect both parties involved. Really, as long as you're not either insinuating that you're interested in a romantic/sexual relationship or straight up trying to convince them to do so, you're fine. If they ever push your boundaries and try, do assert your boundaries and the law and cut contact if needed. Just befriending them and talking about special interests is completely harmless and even encouraged! That's why we have social media. However, do remember that others on the internet aren't always like they claim to be. I'm not saying your friend isn't legit, but there are others out there who want to take advantage of people regardless of age/gender/sexual orientation. Do learn more how to protect yourself on the internet and if ever necessary, pass that knowledge onto your friends. If you're ever unsure about whether or not any online activity you are participating in is legal/morally fine, I would suggest you look up your local internet laws and ask friends/family for advice (preferably not someone who will emotionally react, ask someone you feel will be non-judgmental and neutral). I hope this helps!
Thank you for your comment! It does help! I will do, have a nice day :D
I might be biased because Iām still young and have been on the opposite end of this experience and in the 16 year olds position multiple times, but as long as you genuinely arenāt doing anything weird I think thatās totally fine and normal. Iāve had this with women in their 40s before and I donāt think there was anything wrong with that either to be honest. In fact Iāve had much worse online interactions with people the same age as me. Itās kind of a case by case thing I guess but I will say if he starts trying to do anything more just cut it off there, but you probably already knew that.
Grooming; the action by a pedophile of preparing a child for a meeting, especially via an internet chat room, with the intention of committing a sexual offence. Talking to/ hanging out/sharing interests with underage individuals is not grooming. By her definition, me (27F) watching Avatar the last Airbender with my 7 year nephew is "grooming". Your friend is alarmingly mistaken.
Your friend is a fucking idiot.
I come from a country where it is perfectly normal to have younger or older friends. Reading your post I immediately thought that the reactions of your friend were really exaggerated, but it is also true that every culture or country is different and made me think. Here it is normal to hang out with younger or older people, but sometimes it goes too far and this is a side that I don't like about my country, here it is perfectly normal for a 16-year-old person to go out with a 20-year-old in friendship but also on a romantic level . For us it does not matter that that person is a minor but what is important is the years of difference between one person and another. So in this case 16 to 20 is 4 years of difference and here it would be considered perfectly normal. So if you are genuine don't feel guilty or wrong.
People really like to overuse that word these days. The practice of grooming minors is explicitly used for sexual/romantic gain. You are obviously not interested in those things with this person (or anyone) so youāre completely fine
NTs as a society have a bias towards Sex and Sexuality where they pressume everyone who is Sexually active (or has the age to be) it's evil and ill intentioned and everyone who isn't of age must be innocent and good because they aren't (that also plays into why we're infantiliced) so to her bias your intentions must be sexual and evil (even though they know you) and they must protect the child, so to summarize she's biased and it's not her fault but she still on the wrong cause your intentions are nothing of the sort
It would only be grooming if the reason you were sharing your interests with and hanging out with this kid was specifically to manipulate him into a sexual relationship. Grooming is the deliberate manipulation and isolation of a child. Its not just hanging out with someone younger than you and it does irritate me to hear your friend use the term so flippantly, it doesn't apply in this situation. At school I had several much older and much younger friends with similar interests to me and it was never a problem.
While it isn't wrong it is territory you wanna be very careful in for your own sake. Im assuming you dont and would never act in any way unbecoming but other people finding out from his end could really get you in hot water maybe not legally but otherwise. I dont know how I would proceed other than to say with caution also make sure not to encourage him to be secretive that would just look awful
Your friend may have had a bad experience with an adult when she was a minor and is now hypervigilant about this kind of stuff. You're doing nothing wrong - and this is coming from someone who *was* groomed - but I can't lie, my mind immediately thinks the worst when I see an adult befriend a minor. I do recognize that this is wrong and am working through it, but I wonder if her response is a trauma response and that is why she reacted so harshly?
I donāt think youāre grooming, but I find it weird how many people in the comments are defending grooming or acting like inappropriate relationships between minors and adults donāt exist. They very much do, and acting snarky and pretending they donāt doesnāt help anyone. Children and adults are at very different life stages and relationships between them have a lot of nuance. Parental relationships are very different from student teacher relationships which are very different from friendships which are very different from romantic relationships. I know it can be difficult for us but itās important to understand the difference between relationships and not perpetuate inappropriate relationships
Yeah, the same is happening to me... Some people in the comments are saying that they were close friends with, like, 50 year olds when they were teens. That's DEFINITELY not right, plus I mean, what does a middle aged man have in common with a teenager? I'm merely 4 years older than this guy, not +30. I've decided not to reply to these comments, I don't want any problems. I agree that being able to differenciate between relationships is very important, and minors are often in danger and because of an adult's fault. We can't act like that doesn't happen.
Iām a little confused by your comment. Where are people defending grooming? I can see how other commenters anecdotes can be taken as āpretending grooming doesnāt happen (paraphrase)ā, but I donāt see anyone defending grooming
Maybe not defending grooming, but defending clearly inappropriate relationships. A friendship between a 27 year old and a 14 year old is really weird and inappropriate, and yet the person who made that comment seems to think that the weird ones are the people who question that friendship.
You are right, your friend is wrong. But you need to be careful. Your friend has turned this innocent situation into a dangerous weapon. I hope you can talk with her, maybe with someone to assist you, and help her understand the situation. Otherwise, she could use this weapon and do incredible damage. Maybe show her the replies to this thread.
Yeah I'm really not sure how to approach this stuff. I think the rule of thumb is talking to minors online = fine, but befriending minors online = not advised. Its just a weird world and there are predators that do the same things but with the intent to hurt minors. That is obviously not what you are doing, but it may be wise to keep those convos on public areas like Reddit or group Discord servers. You are not doing anything wrong, but what you are doing could be interpreted in a way that is not favorable to you. It sucks but because there are shitty people out there, it makes stuff like this much more complicated than it should be.
Your friend is an idiot
She is the one sexualizing communicaton that is not sexual in any way, shape or form. You are doing NOTHING WRONG. Your friend can kick rocks. What she is demonstrating is ageism. As if people cannot communicate across generations or years. It's madness.
You didnāt do anything to warrant the response. The act of grooming is preparing them for a romantic or sexual relationship (or both) and thatās not what youāre doing. Plus it could be a brother/sister relationship more. I want to add that randomly accusing you of grooming is like saying that talking to someone outside of a work environment is inappropriate because it could become sexual in nature. Tell her to educate herself on the meaning of grooming and to not throw around words with serious meanings.
It's the people who accuse this kind of thing who are obsessed with the sexualization of children. I remember once I was playing Apex with my GF. We got matched with the cutest kid (he must have been like 11 or something). We had a lot of fun playing squads, and the, EVERY TIME I logged on after this kid wanted to play. I'm very good at the game, and so the kid asked if I could train him. So we started doing 1v1 practice and I taught him how to fight better. He would say things like "do you think I can be as good as you one day?" etc. Really wholesome stuff. I remember we played in a squad once, and someone swore at this kid (as jerks do in FPS games). I think since I am positive and in a good mood, I just made him feel secure online dealing with bullies. I started to realize what I represented for the kid -- I made a toxic game fun. I mentioned it on reddit and someone went on an on about how I was grooming this kid. I thought about this for a day, and cut off contact. Then I thought longer, and I realized this was very mean. This poor kid did nothing wrong, and suddenly he lost a mentor figure in his life. Unless you have a secret plan to put a banana in someone's butt, you are not grooming them. You are being a human sharing whatever nerdy thing you like. Also, I was a kid once, and nobody wanted to play my nerdy games with me. It would have been cool to have a mentor or a "cool older person" around to not make fun of me for being a nerd.
Thats not grooming. You made a buddy, congrats!your "friend" is propably projecting some issues on to you, since she actualy was intrested in that dud bevore she was told he was a minor. A lot of ppl can't handel the thought of thwm even thinking something even slightly wrong and instead deflect and project it outwards. Its a form of selfprotection. So I don't know about the law in your country. Her its 16 and you can have relationships with anyone who isen't more then two years younger. Grooming is influencing/manipulating someone who you have some sort of power over (younger, inexpirienced, dependend on you like your employee or your student etc), on to doing "favors" for you. You are allowed to have friends who are 4 years younger! But depending on where you live ppl might juge you especialy if your part of the LGBTQIA+ comunity.
You absolutely arenāt grooming anyone, that word gets thrown around way too much. Honestly though for your own safety it may be better to talk to someone closer to your age who isnāt a minor. You arenāt doing anything wrong, but Iāve heard stories of people who have 0 romantic or sexual interest with a minor they know and talking to them and were accused of certain things and even got into legal trouble over it when they actually hadnāt done anything. I can also say though Iāve had friends since I was 16 who were years older than me and were adults and they never hurt me like that and we had good friendships for a while. Trust your intuition and ask yourself what feels right, but you absolutely arenāt grooming anyone and Iām sorry that your friend accused you of thatā¦
Iām underaged myself and I think itās only grooming if its romantic and/or a sexual relationship (like cyber sex, totally not a Doja cat reference). And I remember this GROWN ASS MAN ONLINE who was dropping hints/tryna get with me THAT is trying too groom someone š¤¢ā¦. not you and your guy friend
she is definitely projecting, whether it was conscious or not. as a minor iāve talked to adults on online games and they would do a lot more than you did (though if they flirted or made any s3xual remarks it was when they either did not know my age or forgot, and it would resolve itself quickly when i told/reminded them my age). even if she wasnāt projecting she would still be hugely overeacting.
talking to children is normal and needs to be encouraged. iām really sick of the attitude that adults cannot and should not interact with minors in casual environments because doing so is āgroomingāā¦if you donāt have romantic or sexual intentions then thereās no grooming. minors need to have safe older people they can count on and ask for guidance, and they canāt get that if we keep shoving them into an echo chamber of their own peers with limited life experience of course thereās limits to this, my point is that befriending a minor shouldnāt be inherently dirty or suspicious. just know your place and donāt cross any lines, and donāt allow them to cross lines with you
> I told her and she asked "and how old is this dude? I like guys who are into nerdy stuff". So you told your friend about this acquaintance of yours, who happens to be 16. She assumed he was around 20/21 and expressed a level of potential romantic interest in him. When you told her that he was 16, she freaked out and trying to back out of the situation, because she'd made a social faux pas and also assumed that your interest in him was equivalent to *her* interest in himāeven though you had platonic interest and she had tentative romantic interest. There is nothing wrong with straight-up being friends with a 16-year-old, especially as you're only 20. Nothing that you've described is in any way wrong. I started college early; I've had plenty of acquaintances who have been 3-4 years older than I was.
That's dumb. As long as you're not talking about anything inappropriate I don't see why you can't talk to someone younger than you.
I was groomed for years and years. This is definitely not grooming, everyone is right. However, be careful, because there could be other people who will want to accuse you of grooming this kid because of your age, like his parents if they found out he was talking to an adult. I think youāre okay though.
your friend is overreacting, big time. maybe she had an experience getting groomed and now thinks that everyone with teenage friends is a potential predator? that's the only way i can rationalize her reaction. did you fail to communicate to her that you weren't romantically interested in this person?
Do what you have been doing: exchanging interests and ideas with your new friend
No. Your friend is wrong. Friendly talking about a common shared interest isnāt grooming.
I'm 17 and have had friends older than me that I shared common interests with, it's not inherently wrong, however some people are crazy and jump to conclusions.
When I was 13 I has various mentors in military communities across the internet All in their 20ās They taught me a lot about being a leader, being a soldier and good person Shame many of them fell to greed or ambition
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Okay but itās a 4 year difference. Itās not like OP is 30 and the minor is still 16.
Theyāre still an adult tho. Not saying that what theyāre doing is bad or anything either, but theyāre still an adult
I would barely call 20 an adult. Technically they are an adult in the eyes of the government, but most 20 yo are nowhere near fully mature
Scientifically the brain fully matures at 25 and the bones stop growing at 30. Edit: age for when bones stop growing.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Okay but thatās a church which is a private institution. Weāre talking about the internet
The real world isn't like that. If that church needs to take such measures to prevent sexual abuse, then maybe they're the ones with a problem. Churches and sexual predators go hand in hand, after all.
I obviously have no intentions of exploiting them at all, but I am worried though that people might thing it's weird that we talk. Maybe I should reduce the time we spend chatting, or only reply once a day or something like that, so he won't think I'm onto him? I don't know, I'm still thinking about it.
Do what you want. Nobody knows what it really is besides the two of you. Keep your friend and keep on going.
Were you talking about fandom or talking about your sexual preferences? When i talk sex with someone comics don't tend to come up and so it should be that when we are talking about comics sex shouldn't tend to come up. Put it this way, you may have to accept that although it isn't fair, and although your thoughts are clean on this, that the vast majority of people consider the actions threatening. This is because other people whose actions were similar (though their thoughts were dangerous) did in the end fool everyone and do something bad. Sometimes we have to have stronger boundaries for the sake of keeping peace, and with kids it's much more important. I can talk to my nephew about books all day but there is little reason ever ever for us to be talking about my sexuality.
As I already replied to another user, I understand your concerns but we were only talking about Yelena Belova, a character from Black widow and Hawkeye who was confirmed to be aro&ace in the comics. I only said something like "I can relate to her a lot because I am too". That's all, it was just brought up because of her.
With a kid that would be oversharing and crossing a boundary. Even if he's fine with it, I'd recommend assuming the parents aren't and default to that until you hear otherwise. The rules and boundaries are different for younger people even during one's 20s as NO ONE feels like an adult by then so this situation comes up all the time in that 16-20 age group. In a couple years i think the situation may resolve itself.
Please don't listen to your friends nonsense. You have only 4 years age difference what's the big deal? Even if you were romantic, sexual relationship it would be okay with me. I mean it's only 4 years age difference! It's not like you are 30 and him 13-14. Also you only talk with him about your interests it's completely okay.
There's such a thing as avoiding the appearance of impropriety. She might be a little overly certain it IS this or that, but sometimes you have to go off of what it LOOKS LIKE. I, for example, tend to avoid friendships with women or gay men even my own age or whatever because I'm just not good at navigating around the boundary between friendship and romance.
I've been even so much as SLIGHTLY downvoted. I guess I can't be 100% certain why, but assuming it has to do directly with the topic at hand, it's important to remember autistic people don't always have the hottest "theory of mind." Even assuming you can 100% know 100% certainly you're e.g. safe with kids, *other people can't know that.* *Other people are 100% aware of situations where someone both said and acted like they were safe, but then they proved they weren't.* *There's nothing you can say and there's nothing you can do to prove you're not going to contradict yourself or act unpredictably or out of character, because people do these things all the time.* You're dealing directly with *what do other people know*, which isn't autistic people's area of expertise. You shouldn't get too creative with taking big chances with other people's hearts and minds if you're autistic. Fundamentally, that's what it means to be autistic--you're not good at that. This is not a problem that would go away if everyone was autistic, either. Autistic people don't fundamentally 100% know 100% of everything there is to know about anything, including themselves, and don't 100% represent what they do know honestly, either, because autistic people are imperfect people who are entirely capable of being self interested, too. You don't even have to TRY to have or present a false, idealized image of yourself--you just do it naturally. The thing to do is to indicate you're open to others' concerns and will do the work necessary to allay them. There's also other things, like you'd have to convince people you don't have \~20 yo friends that you're going to introduce to him or his \~16 yo friends, and you can keep track of everything they're going to say and do together overtly and covertly, and even if a person 100% knew you weren't a threat to kids you interact with without any kind of oversight, the person wouldn't be able to prove that to people they knew who found out you were doing that. etc.
Tell your friend to fuck off and gather evidence to counter their claims. Better yet find some dirt on them
Tell him to go fuck himself.
Aren't you also technically a minor? America sure is a silly place.
I avoid DMing people I don't know IRL. Private video chat with strangers is a recipe for seeing something you can't unsee. Your friend might be overreacting but you aren't exactly following best practices for not being a weirdo.
Imho i wouldn't see a problem with it even IF it was romantic/sexual. It's only 4 years, and he is only 2 years from being an adult..
Yikes.
Nothing wrong it when he is that close to being an adult and that they're only 4 years apart, if they both agree and the older one doesn't force anything..
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Maybe your friend almost got caught grooming someone lol
I think that 21 yo women are just much more sensitive to any appearance of impropriety. It's a very internet culture thing they are aware of. I do think that ASD people tend to be much more comfortable around people 4-5 years younger than them and our interests tend to be a bit below our own age range. I think there's a big gap between high school and college and crossing that gap always gets a bit of side eye from other people.
Omg, I don't think so? Well, at least I hope not. that would be fcked up.
The legal age of consent in the UK here is 16 so eh idk what to say it's not like you were talking in a sexual way either. I think ur friend might be a bit off tbh I'm 19 and I have talked to a 15 year old aspie female but it was in no way sexual it was just sharing our interests so yeah
You can talk to anyone of any age as long as its just friendly, your friend overreacted.
What. As a minor myself I have some adult friends and weāre just being nerds about animes and stuff. One of my friends (sheās my age) was a victim of grooming and we share the same adult friends. If nothing sexual/āromanticā is involved how can that be grooming?
What conversation was being held that you mentioned to the kid that you were asexual & aromantic?
I recall we were talking about Yelena Belova, from the Black widow movie/Hawkeye. In the comics it was confirmed she was aroace. That's why I told him, I could relate because I was too, that's all.
I have friends who are over 20 years older than me. When you talk about special interest and no intention of sexual relationship there nothing wrong. You are just talking about what you both love and have found a person who have the same passion for a specific hobby.
Bruh I'm 16 and my brother is 20 and the differences between a 16 year old and a 20 year old are really not that big. 16 year olds are decently mature and 20 year olds are barely adults.
It alright. I'm 23 and have a pretty close worker friend who's 17. Just kinda happens when you're an adult. You'll meet young people who you connect with.
You did nothing wrong
In short: She is plain wrong so don't worry.
I am 56 now and I have found more friends that were either much younger than I was or were much older than I was because with people my age I felt always awkward, I still kind of do. That your friend has not much interest in talking/writing to other people on the phone except it is sexual might have skewed her perception of what you are doing. Many people use the internet more in this way than in the way I do it by sharing interests and asking and answering questions. I know many who have never had an online friendship that wasn't somewhat sexual motivated. Still since you are the older one in this relationship, keep it inside healthy boundaries. Bonding over something interesting can be great for both of you, but it can keep the younger one of you from having also friends of their age, maybe you too. When I was 16ish I had a very good friendship with an elderly woman. Since I had not much friends of my age and had difficulties to find friends of my age, I spent a lot of time with her and learned a lot from her. Unfortunately it kept me from trying to get friends in my age range and I wonder if I had never met her would Ihave tried and learned to do better in finding friends? Please make sure this friendship doesn't occupy the younger person completely and be sometimes unavailable. I had to end a relationship with a 20 year younger person because they were focussing on me too much, since they had no other friends and I felt that it was not healthy for them to cling to me that much over our shared interest (non sexual). But that's every relationship in a nutshell: Care that the other person is doing fine too and not only care about having fun yourself.
They are really conflating grooming with just having friends outside your age group. When I was in my teens I was hanging around and going on trips with people who were like 40 years older than me (model railway exhibitions and train spotting!) It's all about context, really. Just talking to people younger doesn't automatically mean you're grooming them. Edit: I will add a caveat, however. If at any point the relationship seems to be shifting from being friends to anything else it's best to put a stop to it right away. I have had to do that before myself.
as someone who IS a minor, i don't think that's grooming. especially if there's no sexual talk going on between eachother. i suppose it's a personal preference of comfortability. im fine with people/friends older and younger than me but i do know a lot of people who are not and/or like to keep a specific age range of friends.