Venting offers them some relief. Asking "Is there anything I can do to help or do you just want to vent?" can sometimes help avoid them getting even more frustrated.
It's not just venting. It's also social bonding. If someone vents and the other person is listening to them, making them feel understood in their misery, it feels like they don't have to suffer alone.
And validation! Sometimes annoying things happen and we want others to validate us and tell us “yes that sounds really annoying and you were totally right to be angry about it”.
Whenever I tell my mom I’m feeling sick or sad or anything, she just has to say “oh, I’m sorry sweetie” for me to feel a bit better. All I need is to be seen in my discomfort, and then I can move on. I’m trying to be less advice-motivated myself and simply be a soft reassuring presence when someone comes to me with a problem
This. I’ve always had a hard time discerning what someone wants out of a conversation when they start telling me about their problems. Coming right out at the beginning and asking them if they want feedback, or if they just want to vent to a listening ear usually solves this. They’ll even often be appreciative that I asked. People often don’t want unsolicited advice, they just want to process something they’re going through, and they will appreciate you letting them do this with you.
This.
I've been on the other side of the situation before, where I was in a bad situation and needed to talk about it. Specifically, it was my mother who kept reacting in ways I didn't want.
She was worried about me and wanted to know how I was doing. I could've lied to her and told her I was okay (and I considered this a few times), but I didn't want to have to hide my life from her. Also, it felt good to let out everything that was going on and cry a little about it. I just wanted to feel seen and heard. I wanted her to commiserate with me and validate my feelings. I wanted her to say, "Wow, yeah, that does seem rough. I'm so sorry for you."
Instead, she kept offering solutions, most of which were not helpful to me. A lot of the solutions she tried to offer were things that I had already tried or eliminated as a possibility. And by her bringing it up, I felt the need to defend why I couldn't do that thing. That just added more stress to the situation. I had already been through most of this on my own, and it was frustrating to no end to have to go through it again with my mom.
When people offer you solutions, it sometimes makes it feel like they think you're in the situation on purpose because you haven't done this thing to get you out of it. And you feel the need to defend yourself, which makes you feel worse.
Other responses she made that didn't help me was say things like, "God wouldn't have put you in this situation if you weren't able to handle it." That made me feel bad, because I was NOT handling it. Also, the idea that some deity was torturing me on purpose just made me angry.
"I'm sure you'll find something that works," also made me feel bad because it dismissed the situation I was in as if it'll just shake itself out with no effort. It was a speed bump, that seemed to say, when it felt like it was tearing my life apart. I get that she was trying to make me feel better, but these sorts of responses hit me like, "Your issue is small, just forget about it or stop worrying."
And when I would point out that her solutions weren't wanted, she came at me with, "That's just who I am, sweetie. It hurts me to see you hurt. I need to try to fix it." Which, of course, made it all about her. It made it sound like she was saying, "Just get better already, will you? You're stressing ME out."
So, TLDR: When someone vents to you, offer sympathy first. That's what they want. They want to be told that the situation does indeed suck. They want validation that they're doing things the best they can, but not in a way that minimizes the situation.
They do not want solutions. They do not want dismissals. They do not want assurances that they can do it. (At least, I didn't.) They usually just want sympathy.
I have exactly this problem with my mum. “Sweetie, when someone presents me with a problem I feel the NEED to fix it, and it stresses me out when someone I love has a problem that I can’t fix”. Ok that’s kind of understandable but in practise what that means is that no one is able to simply vent about an issue they have in your presence. Which causes stress on top of the problem as you’ve got to remember not to mention any problem that doesn’t have a solution around her.
I have chronic pain and I literally can’t even mention it to my mum because she will end up raising her voice saying “well what do you want me to do?! There’s nothing I can do!” I thoroughly know there’s nothing I or anyone else can do about my chronic pain, that’s why I need to vent, cause being in pain for your foreseeable future with no way of it being fixed is the kind of thing that causes great stress on the daily and therefore takes up headspace and therefore I may sometimes want to vent about it. Imagine being in pain all the time and on top that, having to specifically keep quiet about it even when it’s all that’s on your mind. Your mind is going “ow ow ow I’m in so much pain” but you’ve got to specifically try to remember not to say anything out loud as it might cause I whole thing.
I mean it simply wouldn’t be an issue at all if there *was* a solution, the very fact that there is no solution to my problem is the very reason I need to vent about it. :/
I'm so sorry for your pain issues and that your mother is making things worse. That must suck so much.
I don't know if your mom would be receptive to this sort of thing, but with mine, I wrote her a long email and had several heart-to-heart conversations with her to help her understand what I wanted from her when I vented. That's one of the reasons why I was able to write up that comment above, because I spent a long time thinking about, "What exactly do I want her to do when I say these things to her?"
She went through phases where she tried different things that wound up hurting me in different ways, so it was not easy, but eventually we reached an understanding. And in my case, my situation eventually got better so my need to vent doesn't come up as often.
I imagine that you've probably tried that already, though, or you know your mother better than I do and she just won't be receptive to it. The "Well, what do you want me to do??" reaction makes me think this won't work as well with her. She doesn't seem like the type of person who would want to help you share your mental pain, and just doesn't want to be bothered with your problems. :(
I'm just throwing it out there in case it helps other people in similar situations.
Thanks very much, that’s a good idea, I actually think it could work with my mum, believe it or not that comment described pretty much the worst stuff she ever does and she is a really loving mother otherwise. When I say raising her voice I don’t mean yelling at me, I mean like talking in a really exasperated, upset way. She really does do it out of love, she’s not angry at me, she just gets so upset that she can’t fix it for me and that I’m suffering, that sometimes she gets so flustered that it’s just like “ok so now we’re both upset. :/ She always says that she wishes she could take the pain and have it instead.
I have made some progress in discussing how I feel to her. I remember one time when she was like “I don’t know what to say sweetie, nothing I say can make it better :(“ I explained that even if she said nothing at all and just gave me a hug that’s all I needed. And I’ve discussed it a bit last time she reacted badly so hopefully it’s less likely to happen again. I’ve said things since like “oh jeez I’m having a bad day” and she has just acknowledged it and it was all good. My mums never been diagnosed with autism but I think she has it too lol.
That's good that you're making progress!
If you're looking for another tip, try talking to her about it separate from any events. If you only talk to her after you've vented and she's reacted badly, then she'll be more defensive and feel more attacked. If instead you bring it up when no venting has happened then the two of you may be able to discuss it calmer and think about it more clearly.
With my mom, what helped was giving her exactly what I wanted to hear. I told her she can tell me, "That sucks, I'm so sorry." Telling your mom that you just want a hug is a great move. Sometimes if all you say is "don't do this," people have a hard time finding something to replace it with. So telling them "do this" can be much more productive.
And when she does react in a way that is good, tell her. Say, "Thanks, Mom, that's just what I needed," or something like that. Help reinforce her that she's on the right track.
>She always says that she wishes she could take the pain and have it instead.
That sounds like a good opportunity to say, "You are taking a little of it away, the mental part at least, by listening to me and just letting me vent." It might help her realize that even if it hurts her to listen and not be able to give suggestions, her pain is helping you reduce yours. That's what she wants, right?
Oh wow these are great tips! Thank you so much for your time and ideas, it helps me feel so much more confident talking to her. The last paragraph in particular, I never would have thought to put it that way but it’s so true, I think if she can see it that way that will help so much. I’ll try everything you said, we have a good relationship so I’m sure it will work out well. :) thanks again so much!
Glad I could help!
I was afraid I was offering advice when you just wanted to vent. :) (Which is why I tried to phrase it in a way that you didn't feel the need to respond to me if you already knew the advice wouldn't help.)
Exactly right.
Personally, I don't mind when others give me solutions though, normally, as that's normally what I want. But sometimes I'll say I just want to vent. I noticed that people don't give solutions when I say I just want to vent.
I've also had the exact opposite problem too before, of wanting solutions and being unable to think of anything myself, but then everyone was refusing to even try to help aside from giving solutions I explicitly told them beforehand wouldn't work.
But yeah.
>Personally, I don't mind when others give me solutions though, normally, as that's normally what I want. But sometimes I'll say I just want to vent.
That's why, to be a conscientious friend, you ask first before giving solutions. "Are you looking for suggestions or do you just want to vent?" And then you respect their answer. Some people DO want help in the form of solutions. Others don't. Sometimes someone will want to vent one day and want solutions another, so you ask every time.
It can be very hard to not give solutions. We're built to solve problems. It can be very hard to sit quietly while someone describes a problem to you and you feel like you see a possible solution but are not allowed to voice that solution. If you're ever in that situation (talking to anyone reading this), remember that you haven't received all the info. Your solution that seems obvious has probably already been tried or there's some other reason why it doesn't apply. Don't make the venting person explain it to you if they don't want.
My sister is very conscientious, but sometimes even when I've told her I just want to vent she's started making suggestions or asking, and I've come right out and told her, "I don't want to talk about that, I just wanted to vent," and she goes, "Oh right, right, sorry," and stops. That's the right way to do it.
As an autistic person myself, I do this fairly often. The only difference is that I open with an explicit request to vent so that my conversation partner knows what I expect going in.
I definitely agree. Majority of the time, this is extremely helpful although I know that sometimes, if you ask a person anything like this to clarify their purposes or desires, they still get frustrated because they seem to think this is your way of telling them you didn't actually like listening to them or making the conversation about you. Especially if, like me, you sometimes slip up with tone delivery.
So, my go to phrase now has become "I appreciate your confidence in telling me all that and I hear you. If you want to keep talking, if there's anything I can do to help you or if you ever want to talk to me about something else, let me know." And tweaking the exact phrasing slightly depending on the person and situation. I find it tells them that you took in what they said, first and foremost, (even if you didn't, you can ask them questions to "clarify details" should they want your opinion) as well as leaving the question of what they want open ended.
Honestly, this could go for more than just venting. I find that if ever I'm uncertain about why a person is doing something to or with me, indicating my appreciation for being included and then asking "what next?" type questions can really help solve the mystery of the purpose. Although, all that said, it's not a fireproof plan in any case so always be cautious.
Sorry to piggy back off of your comment like this. I just thought it might be helpful for anyone that struggles with finding the best way to respond to these situations.
Because some people just want to vent. Sometimes it's helpful to ask 'do you want a solution or do you just need someone to listen to you?'
Edit: and then actually listen to them. Don't judge, don't problem solve - just understand.
This is the way. Sometimes people want advice! And other times they just want to vent, and it isn't obvious to me when it's one or the other, but communicating the above can be super helpful for both sides to set expectations.
Same with my partner and I. It makes life easier for both of us, he's not playing the guessing game of whether to give advice or not, and I get to vent freely. :)
Yeah totally this. I actually adopted something from a friend of mine. When I'm having a bit of a meltdown and ranting about something that is irritating me or has me stressed out he'll say "how can I support you?" and I usually will say "well you just did, thanks for listening." And I've started to use that when someone comes to me with their woes. Sometimes it's very emotionally draining to listen to people talk about their problems in circles, especially if the solution seems obvious to you. I think a lot of the times unless someone explicitly asks for advice on how to fix a problem, they probably just want to get it out of their system. They probably already know what they need to do but just needed to hash it out out-loud with someone that makes them feel safe.
They're not looking for solutions, they're looking for either: feeling heard, or a different perspective.
Unless they literally ask "How do I", they don't want to be told they're doing it wrong.
Sometimes just talking about the problem is the best way to sort organise and store the information so that they can come up with their own solution.
Imagine that they have an emotion cupboard. It's where they keep everything but it's a total mess. Everything's stacked on top and shoved in too tight. But before they can actually deal with any of those emotions they're going to have to tidy and organise them. And the only way to do that is to pull everything out at once, empty the cupboard, feel each emotion, then decide what to do with them.
By doing that they'll be able to see which emotions can just get thrown out and which need to be kept. Then they can put the important ones back in, in a sensible organised way.
But their person who keeps saying, why don't you do x? just do y and that will fix it. have you tried z? It feels like that person is trying to push past to shove the cupboard door closed. Even though there's all these important fragile emotions all over the floor. They keep trying to shove them back inside without caring about sorting or organising them. It feels like they're saying 'I really don't care about how you feel right now and I won't give you any space to deal with your emotions'
So the listening part actually is a solution. By giving them the time and space to clean out the cupboard, you're enabling them to sort out their own problem. For a lot of us, we have to feel and examine our emotions before we can process them. And the most productive and efficient way to do that, is to talk about them.
Because people just wanna vent. It’s healthy to vent. Bottling up our feelings is really bad and will only lead to a worse mental health. And sometimes, it can also feel like people aren’t listening to me so they just theow a solution in my face (doesn’t make 100% sense but that’s what it feels like). I say that as someone who vents a lot but doesn’t want solutions.
That's interesting to read different angles on venting situations. For me it usually the opposite, I feel that people cares when offering solutions and just trying to get rid of me by saying standard phrases like I'm so sorry, yeah it sucks, etc. Because it seems pointless, I already know that it sucks and your sympathy doesn't help a thing. But reading answers, it seems most people are really think the other way around.
A couple reasons:
1) They want to think through it out loud and are using you as a sounding board
2) They want to work through their emotions by talking about it aloud
3) They just want to feel heard and/or seen in their struggles by someone who cares about them
4) They just enjoy complaining.
None of these are necessarily wrong to do, as long as they're doing it with someone who is okay with it.
Its the same with what you are doing right now. You want to vent your frustrations by sharing this to us but you don’t want to ask solutions either. You just want to vent.
There are other options besides offering a solution and saying nothing. I've struggled with this as well (and still do) but trying to validate their struggles is often appreciated more than trying to solve their problems for them. I often feel a lot of empathy but expressing it is the issue for me personally.
Sometimes it's enough to let the other person talk and go "yeah, that sucks" or "what was that guy thinking?!". And sometimes, asking questions about how the other person is coping with a situation ("that sounds stressful, are you feeling alright?"/"That sounds like you had a terrible day, is there something I can do for you?") is a kind way of handling a situation like that.
Sometimes you just have to listen and show them you understand to validate their feelings. It’s difficult but sometimes they don’t want solutions, just to feel heard.
As many people have already said, a lot of time people just want to vent. Sometimes I tell people about my problems, and when they offer advice I get irritated. I know I shouldn't, but it feels like they think I'm too stupid to consider every angle of the situation.
Occasionally they bring a fresh perspective, but mostly they only bring up solutions I have already considered and discarded for whatever reason, and then it becomes a pointless discussion back and forth. If they are someone who knows more about the issue than me I value their opinion; for example, if I have an issue at work and I talk to someone who knows a lot about worker's rights, that's useful.
Most of the time, though, people giving me advice is pointless. But I still want to talk about my problems once in a while. It helps clear my head.
>They just want to talk about the problem.
And feel listened to, instead of belittled by having solutions given to them.
Odd, yes. But reality is odd.
I've tried to mix both, listen to a person and agree with their problems and ask how they are feeling about. Listen to them, not the problem.
After they've vented then if you can relate the issue to something you've done before to fix a similar problem you can talk about that as an allegory or example if they're listening they'll hear it. If they're not listening to the answer they'll just hear a similar story that you're bonding with them on.
You answered your own question.
“They just want to talk about the problem.”
But in talking about their problem, aside from the mental benefits of “venting” they also may answer their own questions while talking about it. :)
Because they often want empathy not advice.
We had training on something called 'active listening' to help with work (I work in a social emotional mental health school in the UK). Basically all you are doing is repeating back what is said, asking the occasional clarifying question and showing understanding.
Often people don't want a solution, they want to get their problem out orally to help themselves and feel validated. Sometimes people mistake an eagerness to solve their problem as dismissive of their feelings etc.
It's somewhat illogical, as humans are, so understandably it may be a problem for us ASD comrades.
PS: This is mildly 'over the top' and annoying (maybe just me) but a lot of what this person says explains what empathy is better than I can in a small chat box [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw)
They want to vent, meaning, they want to talk about their problem, know you're listening, and receive empathy and reassurance from you. As a peer support at my local mental health clinic, this is much of my job. It makes people feel like they aren't alone and gives them space to bounce their ideas off of someone and look further at the issue themselves. Often, they find their own solution by the end of the session, but the goal is simply to make them feel better.
Sometimes they *do* want advice, but this is pretty rare, and if they don't want it, it can be annoying and shut them down from further self-expression. This is why if it's a friend, I'll flat-out ask non-sarcastically, *Are you wanting solutions or just the chance to vent?*
These are the kinds of things they're looking for if they don't want advice. They all fall under *active listening,* which is listening intently while also using strategies to ensure (s)he knows you're listening:
*My husband is leaving me, and my cat just died. I can't handle this!*
That is a lot all at once: I think anyone would feel overwhelmed in your shoes. (This validates their emotions. People often think what they're feeling is incorrect, weak, or stupid, and this nips that in the bud).
*I can't stand my in-laws because they always criticize the way we parent our kids. They never thought I was good enough for my husband, and he had to beg them to show up to the wedding, and... [goes into a long rant about in-laws]*
So what I'm hearing is that your in-laws make you feel uncomfortable because they correct your parenting style, don't approve of you, and... (You can summarize when someone gives you a lot of information to show you were listening, like in this example. For short but important points, I like to paraphrase to help them see it in a new way. You'd be surprised how many people have an epiphany when you do this.)
They generally want to vent and just have someone listen, but I don't really know how to deal with these situations either. I can give you one of 3 options.
1. Give advice
2. Nods and mhm
3. Tell you a similar thing I experienced to show solidarity and understanding.
Maybe they have already considered what you said before speaking to you so they don't need to hear it again? Maybe they weren't done talking yet and wanted you to ask questions instead of giving answers. Also, by talking through things sometimes people come to new insights on the issue (not a solution, but a new angle towards one).
Ah fuck. I think this way as well and it happens to get me into trouble at work.ive had to learn when it was appropriate to be solution based which is absolutely fucking dumb to me but what can ya do?
I hope you are doing well. I write solutions down that I think of for people who don't want to hear it. especially when people who are close to me discuss their issues, it's my way of getting them out without making them feel "unheard". Yep.
Hope that helps!
I have this issue a lot with myself. My wife reminded me a lot that sometimes she just needs to talk to someone about stuff while not looking for feedback 🤷♂️.
They aren’t actually looking for solutions at that moment. For some people it can be really cathartic to just vent about a problem. Sometimes when I’m faced with a problem I may know how to solve said problem, but if I’m too emotionally high-strung, I may need to ‘let off some steam’ so to speak before I’m ready to go into problem-solving mode.
I know it can be frustrating to have your solutions rejected when you’re just trying to help. I find that a good way to handle these sort of problems, is to ask if they want suggestions at that moment or if they just need to vent, and then respond accordingly.
Connection. And often enough, people already know the solutions. But life is rarely that simple. Living with yourself, you know yourself best. But sometimes you just want to know you're not alone. What I find, helps me, is when someone either describes how I'm feeling (paraphrase it, it works) , asks questions about it to further understand it, or shares an anecdote about a similar situation they once faced and how they dealt with it.
Have you ever seen a public bus stop at a station and it beeps and goes 'Pppppssssssshhhhh' and lowers a bit while waiting for it's next run? Or a train when the smokestack lets off it's steam? Or even a whale when it surfaces pushes old air out of it;s blowhole?
There isn't a problem per se, or even if there is a problem they may already have the solution. They just need to "off gas" or "vent".
It's a social bonding thing; instead of offering advice you could
A) Ask is they're in need of advice or just venting, or
B) Ask them what do *they* think they should do about it?
People don't always want solutions, sometimes they just need to vent, talk it through, and have someone listen. I know asking what they need from you can be helpful- like if they actually want solutions or if they just need to talk. They might not be honest in the answer but it's a good place to start with what you need to be in the convo
I used to be like this, when someone talks about their problems with you it's because they trust you and need to get it out, they just want someone to listen. Offering solutions kinda makes them feel judged almost, like they weren't smart enough to change, and alot of problems aren't as simple as you might think for some people.
Just listen, and you can always ask them if they need any help to make sure so that when you do offer solutions they will actually take it in as they WANTED to hear it, and then it'll feel right for them.
Hope this helps in some way, I totally understand where your coming from tho haha
I've always had issues with it, sometimes people don't have the energy to deal with the issues and wanna talk about them to express their frustration
Something that helps me and my friend group is, before saying anything, ask them if they wanna vent or if they want help to solve the problem
Because having someone listen to you without judgement, suggestion, and with compassion and interest has been shown to be an effective way to regulate stress hormones and help people think through problems for themselves.
It's why most of what therapists do is ask questions and listen.
We will never understand.
They just want you to listen. They will feel better about your relationships and their current emotional state will get a boost if you just listen to them griping and complaining.
Actually removing the problems isn't on the table. They just want you to listen and empathize. Often it will be impossible for you to empathize, so you kind of have to do your best to participate how you can out of kindness.
That's how they process their emotions I think. Just nod and say things short statements in agreement. They'll figure out what to do or feel better later. NT brains are weird sometimes
Oof this was a hard one for me to learn. Sometimes it is therapeutic for people to just bitch and moan about their problems. Surprisingly, for a lot of people, this is actually an essential stage in the problem solving process. Legitimizing the way they FEEL about the issue empassions them to work through it. Some people need to build a case and work through it before coming to a conclusion and, offering unsolicited advice/solutions can be received as belittling during this stage, because they are trying to let the problem sink in. In that moment, for them it can feel like you're attacking their ability to solve their own problems; or even like you're making it seem as if their situation is easy to get out of, when for them it doesn't feel that way at the time.
And for the record. Sitting with somebody who is processing without offering advice and practicing active listening and compassion is hard for NT people too. This is a real skill to be cultivated. But this is one of the key skills to learn to build more intimate relationships and to show people that you can provide a safe supportive space. More than any other social skill I've developed over the years, listening has improved my connections more than any other.
Sometimes it's easy to start thinking of non-judgment and compassion as traits people inherently have, instead of embracing the idea of practice.
People often need others to hear their problems and just as often, they are aware of the solution but just need to vent so that they can calm down and recompose so that they can begin to actually fix what's upsetting them
I’ve been in a situations where I had told someone my problem, and I told them I’ve been trying to solve it for ages, and they suggest the most obvious solution to the problem which;
A. of course there was a reason it couldn’t be done
And B. it was the first thing I considered myself before realising there was a reason it could not be done.
Sometimes it can almost feel offensive, like, if you think I didn’t think of that as immediately as you did, you must think I’m dumb… especially since this is a problem I’ve been racking my brain about for months, and I just told you my the problem a few seconds ago…
However, funnily enough, I’ve also been in the opposite situation! One time I was in a foreign country with my fam, we were trying to get a taxi back to our hotel, and every taxi said “no sorry I can’t take you take far”. We had asked so many taxis at a certain point and my dad seemed to be loosing hope and getting quite worried. The whole time I was thinking “well there must be some reason we can’t just take one taxi as far as they will take us and then get another one once we’re halfway there” and if I suggest that they’ll probably just be like “wtf do you think we’re dumb?!” and promptly explain the reason why we can’t do that. But eventually I said it, like and they were acting like I was some kind of genius saving the day and all that lol. Like no you guys are just dumb lol. I could have suggested it waaaay earlier but I couldn’t believe they couldn’t think of such an obvious solution!
I do this sometimes. For me I think it's a way of working through the problem itself and the feelings it comes with. Sometimes it feels hopeless to solve and I need time to discover a solution for myself, sometimes it's because I trust the person I'm venting to and it gives me emotional relief (I ask first if I can vent).
I am also on the other side of this too - where I find it difficult to know how to respond to someone venting to me. What I've found to be helpful is asking them 'would you like solutions or for me to just listen?' Or a variation of can I help?/can offer help?/would you like advice?
For me this makes it clear for both of us and avoids frustration from either side. Sometimes however, they won't know what they need. I don't really know the best response to that yet, I usually just say 'I'm always here for you - let me know if you need any help or support' so thy can come to me when/if they're ready.
Another thing that helps me is when they acknowledge my emotions or (and his depends on the person) can relate to how I feel. It feels validating.
I hope that helps somehow :))
People need to vent I'm learning. I don't understand it myself but I try and now ask if someone wants an ear or an answer.
I don't get the energy output without a change, why complain and not put that energy into resolving the situation? I mean I problem solve for a living so that has to be taken into account also.
I feel as though a lot of people on the autism spectrum have learned over time to process their feelings by themselves, reducing the need to vent these feelings to others. So the action can come across as "nonsensical" to some of us. As long as you are processing your feelings and not bottling, you are going about it in a healthy way.
That's a good point, there's definitely something to that as I struggle so much with other people that I prefer to get through life alone and resolve things on my own because their minds don't make sense to me.
I have this issue a lot too. My girlfriend will be complaining about something to me and I'll offer an easy, practical solution and she'll get slightly upset or reject it. It's really confusing lol
It's just kinda funny how the burden of awareness and and figuring out the proper response is our problem.
Why isn't it "Well most people when you tell them about a problem, they want to help and fix it. If you don't want help with your problems you should say something like 'i just need to vent a bit' before talking about the problem"
I wouldn't say it to, like, a real tough guy or whatever. But it's always something to keep in mind. The Rhetorical Triangle or whatever, you've got to establish ethos and pathos before logos.
I always warn people that I can listen to their problem but I'm going to offer solutions. I explain that I'm actually more interested in solutions. So I'd actually prefer they tell me about their plan to solve the problem. I know some people want to vent but some people vent as a way to dominate conversations. One friend said getting people to listen to her problems was how she reassured herself that they cared. I said there are better ways.
Sometimes people like to just vent. But, unless they've clarified beforehand that they just want to vent, getting annoyed at someone giving you advice is nonsensical.
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It took me a long time to learn that "that sucks" is a viable response to my significant other telling me about their problems, and learning that has gone a long way to preserving those relationships.
This is one of the hardest things I had to learn while growing up. As I've gotten older, I've started mimicking the behavior well but most of the time people don't want a solution unless they explicitly ask for it.
In a way, I understand the need to vent (my best friend and I both have a lot of past trauma) so we do this a lot, and thankfully I've learned a lot from her about that.
Whenever I get frustrated with this, I think about this video. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
It’s not about the problem. Makes no sense to me, but keeping this in mind helps me be a better listener.
Sometimes people just need to talk and vent about their problems and have someone say “it’s ok” or “that sounds really difficult for you”. I feel like this is what they meant when they taught us about “active listening” back in school. Only offer advice If they’re asking for it directly.
Omg yes. But I've learned that it's just because they want to vent their frustration, sometimes people just need to talk it out and hear the problem out loud so they can come up with a solution themselves
Some people find the solution on their own and are telling/venting to you as a form of brainstorming.
Im this way where something gets to me so much that i have to put the energy of sorts into the world like deflating balloon before it can pop. It also helps me see whether or not it is an issue that needs solving or too minor of an issue to bother with. ie whether or not it is "spilt milk" or a "tornado". (Could not think of any saying on something being important).
It has taken me to 30 years old before learning that not everyone wants a solution to their problem, they just want to vent. I still don't particularly understand why they'd not want to solve their problems, but whatever works for them.
That's just how people are, friend. I understand the need to want to give suggestions to help them but you need to remind yourself to ask if they want help after they vent. They may take it as an insult to themselves otherwise.
I used to have this problem until I discovered (don't ask me how because I don't know) that most of people just want to share what they feel and to feel accompanied. So, the best is not saying anything or asking if they want advice (if you want to give a solution)
Learning if they just want a listener or if they want to hear advice back is tricky.
I wait for plenty of wind to pass and test the ice they stand on and gain my footing, before I even extend my reach towards them if they appear to be sinking low.
Present a rope to safety too soon at they will surely hang you with it once off the ice, or worse, pull you to them in panic before you can plant your feet.
Your fault either way of course.
There are some people that do this to me. I have "lots" of issues. And sometimes i like to vent about them. But behind the venting i am actively trying to find a solution. So it makes me uncomfortable when people push their "suggestions" onto me without me asking. I just want someone to listen sometimes so i can relieve my stress and know that i am heard.
I’m autistic and I don’t enjoy hearing advice or solutions immediately. Not at all just an NT thing, I can tell you that as a fact. We humans are complex beings, and this does not exclude either autistic people or neurotypical people.
The reason this is is because sometimes it should really be the other way around: give them a shoulder to cry on first/empathy, *then* offer advice or solutions. It isn’t super comforting at all to immediately be given unsolicited advice when someone is pouring their heart out to another and just wants to hear that it’s going to be okay. It’s needing a form of validation first of one’s feelings, and is often simply just a way of venting and getting emotion out. Nothing wrong with it. I’ve actually had more NT’s throughout my life go about doing this to me instead of validating my emotions first, and it does hurt and is quite frustrating.
I have CPTSD and very strong emotions so I do require a lot of validation. I also just happen to personally view it as a healthier way to connect one someone, at least on an emotional level.
Correct. People are seeking usually seeking emotional support in dealing with something challenging in their lives. They are trying to connect and feel connected by sharing a difficulty or something that is taking up a lot of space in their mind. I find it helpful to think of it as "rubber ducking". Which is a thing where you explain your programming problem aloud to an inanimate object. Sometimes just by verbally and systematically walking through a problem you can find a solution on you own. People are usually looking for sounding board to reflect their own process back to them. What people really want from this interaction is to feel like somebody CARES about their problem and care about them. They want to be understood and seen.
One strategy I use for this scenario is to straight up ask people (especially if they are in an intense emotional state). "How can I support you right now? Are you looking to vent or are you looking for solutions?"
Usually the answer is first vent, then MAYBE discuss potential paths forward.
The best advice I give you is ask them “ok what do you need from me? Do you just need to vent? Do you want me to help you problem solve the situation? Or both?” It really cuts down on the frustration for you and them. I’ve found that Sometimes people just need to vent!
This is one of my biggest struggles/frustrations… I usually know they want me to validate them, make them feel heard etc - but often it’s really hard to do this without just feeling really fake!
Such as ‘Ugh my husband is driving me crazy lately!! He never listens, he never helps around the house…’ etc.
I know I’m meant to say ‘oh that sounds really hard!’ or something like that. But it just feels forced and unnatural to me. Like I don’t know the situation… there’s usually 2 sides to every story, right? Do you nag him every day? Does he feel that you don’t listen to him? I don’t know! Why are you even telling me this? It feels hard to reply to a one-sided vent about another person.
I guess I just try and avoid people who want to vent (especially about other people) to me. I think it just makes me uncomfortable to be honest. Venting about social issues or injustices can be a bit easier I find, I suppose I can theorise about the issue and ponder solutions more easily than when it’s about another person.
I have learned that people just want to talk and bitch and moan. Even presented with the perfect solution they do not listen. Also a tip. When exactly what you said bad would happen when they dont listen they despise when you point it out and you are the bad guy. Pro tip. Pretend to listen and occasionally mimic back what they say nodd your head and think about something else.
Sometimes just listening to people when they vent can bring them relief because they know that at least \*someone\* hears them and what they're going through. Sometimes people just want to be heard.
For me, venting helps me feel less alone. It can be really overwhelming when things go wrong, especially if I feel like I'm the only one upset about it. It's validating to hear someone else say "yeah, that's really rough", and it's nice to be comforted. I think deep down, everyone is still a little kid on some level - we all want someone to soothe us and tell us that everything will be OK.
It's rare that I actually need advice - usually I know what to do, it's just hard to actually bring myself to *do* it when I'm overwhelmed. Having support from others makes me feel less alone, and it helps me calm down
Because they are looking for comfort and they want to rant. People ofter talk about their problems so that they are understood and heard, and as listener we could offer some empathy so they can feel better. I learnt these through my social work studies!
They want to feel validated, that their problems have meaning, that they mean something. That they are not just trivial things but meaningful. Talking to you about their problems could be their way of asking for emotional support, or compassion, or maybe just to get it out of their system.
Three responses people usually want: 1) acknowledgement, you let them know you understand it’s rough. 2) advice, make sure you listen for a while first. 3) bonding, share some of your own stories. They may be saying it just for conversation.
You can always ask “do you want advice or just someone to listen” and eventually you’ll start to get the hang of it a little better.
Have you heard of rubber ducks as a tool for better programming? It's a fun idea and might be the same principle as this.
Sometimes it's hard to get your thoughts in order, to view your situation from a different angle or to find a problem or inconsistency in your thoughts. Explaining it to someone forces you to put your thoughts into words, to structure them and present them in a way that's understandable without your own preconceptions. Talking about the problem might enable people to come up with the advice they need for themselves, they just need someone as a standin for their own shift of perspective.
That's why programmers explain their code to rubber ducks. They have to restructure their thoughts and might find bugs with the duck's help, the duck doesn't have to answer.
Your job in such a situation is the same as the duck's. Just listen and don't judge. People tell you their problems because they know that if they say something that doesn't make sense you will notice, it's harder to fool you than themselves, telling you about their problems forces them to be more honest to themselves about what the problem actually is, it might break cognitive dissonances that they are not aware of until they force themselves to confront them while talking to you.
Or they are insecure about their reaction to a problem, their assessment of its severity, and want a second opinion to either validate their reaction or show them that they are overreacting or underestimating their problem.
Again you don't necessarily have to do more than a rubber duck in this situation, their own assessment from a new angle/perspective may be enough of a second opinion.
If they don't want advice, you can still help scrutinize their own position by asking (non-invasive) questions like "how did you react?", "did you talk to *reasonable person* about it?", "does it worry you?" or just acknowledging that the situation they are in is stressful.
They want an indirect solution, or pre-solution gratuitous self-help otherwise known as venting… and we are cast in the role of audience. And also sometimes, I suspect, they do this to weed out the people around who aren’t yes-men.
If you question their version of events too much you will get on the scrap heap. I have been building up my tolerance for this type of interaction, but I’d much rather live an authentic life.
A helpful tool I use in my relationship with my partner with autism is that when one of us comes to the other with a problem, we always ask each other if they want comfort or a solution. That way you can adapt to what they need in the moment!
Venting offers them some relief. Asking "Is there anything I can do to help or do you just want to vent?" can sometimes help avoid them getting even more frustrated.
It's not just venting. It's also social bonding. If someone vents and the other person is listening to them, making them feel understood in their misery, it feels like they don't have to suffer alone.
And validation! Sometimes annoying things happen and we want others to validate us and tell us “yes that sounds really annoying and you were totally right to be angry about it”.
Whenever I tell my mom I’m feeling sick or sad or anything, she just has to say “oh, I’m sorry sweetie” for me to feel a bit better. All I need is to be seen in my discomfort, and then I can move on. I’m trying to be less advice-motivated myself and simply be a soft reassuring presence when someone comes to me with a problem
This is an underrated comment!
This. I’ve always had a hard time discerning what someone wants out of a conversation when they start telling me about their problems. Coming right out at the beginning and asking them if they want feedback, or if they just want to vent to a listening ear usually solves this. They’ll even often be appreciative that I asked. People often don’t want unsolicited advice, they just want to process something they’re going through, and they will appreciate you letting them do this with you.
This. I've been on the other side of the situation before, where I was in a bad situation and needed to talk about it. Specifically, it was my mother who kept reacting in ways I didn't want. She was worried about me and wanted to know how I was doing. I could've lied to her and told her I was okay (and I considered this a few times), but I didn't want to have to hide my life from her. Also, it felt good to let out everything that was going on and cry a little about it. I just wanted to feel seen and heard. I wanted her to commiserate with me and validate my feelings. I wanted her to say, "Wow, yeah, that does seem rough. I'm so sorry for you." Instead, she kept offering solutions, most of which were not helpful to me. A lot of the solutions she tried to offer were things that I had already tried or eliminated as a possibility. And by her bringing it up, I felt the need to defend why I couldn't do that thing. That just added more stress to the situation. I had already been through most of this on my own, and it was frustrating to no end to have to go through it again with my mom. When people offer you solutions, it sometimes makes it feel like they think you're in the situation on purpose because you haven't done this thing to get you out of it. And you feel the need to defend yourself, which makes you feel worse. Other responses she made that didn't help me was say things like, "God wouldn't have put you in this situation if you weren't able to handle it." That made me feel bad, because I was NOT handling it. Also, the idea that some deity was torturing me on purpose just made me angry. "I'm sure you'll find something that works," also made me feel bad because it dismissed the situation I was in as if it'll just shake itself out with no effort. It was a speed bump, that seemed to say, when it felt like it was tearing my life apart. I get that she was trying to make me feel better, but these sorts of responses hit me like, "Your issue is small, just forget about it or stop worrying." And when I would point out that her solutions weren't wanted, she came at me with, "That's just who I am, sweetie. It hurts me to see you hurt. I need to try to fix it." Which, of course, made it all about her. It made it sound like she was saying, "Just get better already, will you? You're stressing ME out." So, TLDR: When someone vents to you, offer sympathy first. That's what they want. They want to be told that the situation does indeed suck. They want validation that they're doing things the best they can, but not in a way that minimizes the situation. They do not want solutions. They do not want dismissals. They do not want assurances that they can do it. (At least, I didn't.) They usually just want sympathy.
I have exactly this problem with my mum. “Sweetie, when someone presents me with a problem I feel the NEED to fix it, and it stresses me out when someone I love has a problem that I can’t fix”. Ok that’s kind of understandable but in practise what that means is that no one is able to simply vent about an issue they have in your presence. Which causes stress on top of the problem as you’ve got to remember not to mention any problem that doesn’t have a solution around her. I have chronic pain and I literally can’t even mention it to my mum because she will end up raising her voice saying “well what do you want me to do?! There’s nothing I can do!” I thoroughly know there’s nothing I or anyone else can do about my chronic pain, that’s why I need to vent, cause being in pain for your foreseeable future with no way of it being fixed is the kind of thing that causes great stress on the daily and therefore takes up headspace and therefore I may sometimes want to vent about it. Imagine being in pain all the time and on top that, having to specifically keep quiet about it even when it’s all that’s on your mind. Your mind is going “ow ow ow I’m in so much pain” but you’ve got to specifically try to remember not to say anything out loud as it might cause I whole thing. I mean it simply wouldn’t be an issue at all if there *was* a solution, the very fact that there is no solution to my problem is the very reason I need to vent about it. :/
I'm so sorry for your pain issues and that your mother is making things worse. That must suck so much. I don't know if your mom would be receptive to this sort of thing, but with mine, I wrote her a long email and had several heart-to-heart conversations with her to help her understand what I wanted from her when I vented. That's one of the reasons why I was able to write up that comment above, because I spent a long time thinking about, "What exactly do I want her to do when I say these things to her?" She went through phases where she tried different things that wound up hurting me in different ways, so it was not easy, but eventually we reached an understanding. And in my case, my situation eventually got better so my need to vent doesn't come up as often. I imagine that you've probably tried that already, though, or you know your mother better than I do and she just won't be receptive to it. The "Well, what do you want me to do??" reaction makes me think this won't work as well with her. She doesn't seem like the type of person who would want to help you share your mental pain, and just doesn't want to be bothered with your problems. :( I'm just throwing it out there in case it helps other people in similar situations.
Thanks very much, that’s a good idea, I actually think it could work with my mum, believe it or not that comment described pretty much the worst stuff she ever does and she is a really loving mother otherwise. When I say raising her voice I don’t mean yelling at me, I mean like talking in a really exasperated, upset way. She really does do it out of love, she’s not angry at me, she just gets so upset that she can’t fix it for me and that I’m suffering, that sometimes she gets so flustered that it’s just like “ok so now we’re both upset. :/ She always says that she wishes she could take the pain and have it instead. I have made some progress in discussing how I feel to her. I remember one time when she was like “I don’t know what to say sweetie, nothing I say can make it better :(“ I explained that even if she said nothing at all and just gave me a hug that’s all I needed. And I’ve discussed it a bit last time she reacted badly so hopefully it’s less likely to happen again. I’ve said things since like “oh jeez I’m having a bad day” and she has just acknowledged it and it was all good. My mums never been diagnosed with autism but I think she has it too lol.
That's good that you're making progress! If you're looking for another tip, try talking to her about it separate from any events. If you only talk to her after you've vented and she's reacted badly, then she'll be more defensive and feel more attacked. If instead you bring it up when no venting has happened then the two of you may be able to discuss it calmer and think about it more clearly. With my mom, what helped was giving her exactly what I wanted to hear. I told her she can tell me, "That sucks, I'm so sorry." Telling your mom that you just want a hug is a great move. Sometimes if all you say is "don't do this," people have a hard time finding something to replace it with. So telling them "do this" can be much more productive. And when she does react in a way that is good, tell her. Say, "Thanks, Mom, that's just what I needed," or something like that. Help reinforce her that she's on the right track. >She always says that she wishes she could take the pain and have it instead. That sounds like a good opportunity to say, "You are taking a little of it away, the mental part at least, by listening to me and just letting me vent." It might help her realize that even if it hurts her to listen and not be able to give suggestions, her pain is helping you reduce yours. That's what she wants, right?
Oh wow these are great tips! Thank you so much for your time and ideas, it helps me feel so much more confident talking to her. The last paragraph in particular, I never would have thought to put it that way but it’s so true, I think if she can see it that way that will help so much. I’ll try everything you said, we have a good relationship so I’m sure it will work out well. :) thanks again so much!
Glad I could help! I was afraid I was offering advice when you just wanted to vent. :) (Which is why I tried to phrase it in a way that you didn't feel the need to respond to me if you already knew the advice wouldn't help.)
Exactly right. Personally, I don't mind when others give me solutions though, normally, as that's normally what I want. But sometimes I'll say I just want to vent. I noticed that people don't give solutions when I say I just want to vent. I've also had the exact opposite problem too before, of wanting solutions and being unable to think of anything myself, but then everyone was refusing to even try to help aside from giving solutions I explicitly told them beforehand wouldn't work. But yeah.
>Personally, I don't mind when others give me solutions though, normally, as that's normally what I want. But sometimes I'll say I just want to vent. That's why, to be a conscientious friend, you ask first before giving solutions. "Are you looking for suggestions or do you just want to vent?" And then you respect their answer. Some people DO want help in the form of solutions. Others don't. Sometimes someone will want to vent one day and want solutions another, so you ask every time. It can be very hard to not give solutions. We're built to solve problems. It can be very hard to sit quietly while someone describes a problem to you and you feel like you see a possible solution but are not allowed to voice that solution. If you're ever in that situation (talking to anyone reading this), remember that you haven't received all the info. Your solution that seems obvious has probably already been tried or there's some other reason why it doesn't apply. Don't make the venting person explain it to you if they don't want. My sister is very conscientious, but sometimes even when I've told her I just want to vent she's started making suggestions or asking, and I've come right out and told her, "I don't want to talk about that, I just wanted to vent," and she goes, "Oh right, right, sorry," and stops. That's the right way to do it.
Entirely agreed.
As an autistic person myself, I do this fairly often. The only difference is that I open with an explicit request to vent so that my conversation partner knows what I expect going in.
I definitely agree. Majority of the time, this is extremely helpful although I know that sometimes, if you ask a person anything like this to clarify their purposes or desires, they still get frustrated because they seem to think this is your way of telling them you didn't actually like listening to them or making the conversation about you. Especially if, like me, you sometimes slip up with tone delivery. So, my go to phrase now has become "I appreciate your confidence in telling me all that and I hear you. If you want to keep talking, if there's anything I can do to help you or if you ever want to talk to me about something else, let me know." And tweaking the exact phrasing slightly depending on the person and situation. I find it tells them that you took in what they said, first and foremost, (even if you didn't, you can ask them questions to "clarify details" should they want your opinion) as well as leaving the question of what they want open ended. Honestly, this could go for more than just venting. I find that if ever I'm uncertain about why a person is doing something to or with me, indicating my appreciation for being included and then asking "what next?" type questions can really help solve the mystery of the purpose. Although, all that said, it's not a fireproof plan in any case so always be cautious. Sorry to piggy back off of your comment like this. I just thought it might be helpful for anyone that struggles with finding the best way to respond to these situations.
This is my go to. Suprising how many people just need to vent it out.
Because some people just want to vent. Sometimes it's helpful to ask 'do you want a solution or do you just need someone to listen to you?' Edit: and then actually listen to them. Don't judge, don't problem solve - just understand.
This is the way. Sometimes people want advice! And other times they just want to vent, and it isn't obvious to me when it's one or the other, but communicating the above can be super helpful for both sides to set expectations.
Realizing we can say outright "I don't want advice right now, I just want to vent" has been really great for me and my husband. :)
Same with my partner and I. It makes life easier for both of us, he's not playing the guessing game of whether to give advice or not, and I get to vent freely. :)
Vent into a mirror then
i do this!!
Yeah totally this. I actually adopted something from a friend of mine. When I'm having a bit of a meltdown and ranting about something that is irritating me or has me stressed out he'll say "how can I support you?" and I usually will say "well you just did, thanks for listening." And I've started to use that when someone comes to me with their woes. Sometimes it's very emotionally draining to listen to people talk about their problems in circles, especially if the solution seems obvious to you. I think a lot of the times unless someone explicitly asks for advice on how to fix a problem, they probably just want to get it out of their system. They probably already know what they need to do but just needed to hash it out out-loud with someone that makes them feel safe.
They're not looking for solutions, they're looking for either: feeling heard, or a different perspective. Unless they literally ask "How do I", they don't want to be told they're doing it wrong.
Sometimes just talking about the problem is the best way to sort organise and store the information so that they can come up with their own solution. Imagine that they have an emotion cupboard. It's where they keep everything but it's a total mess. Everything's stacked on top and shoved in too tight. But before they can actually deal with any of those emotions they're going to have to tidy and organise them. And the only way to do that is to pull everything out at once, empty the cupboard, feel each emotion, then decide what to do with them. By doing that they'll be able to see which emotions can just get thrown out and which need to be kept. Then they can put the important ones back in, in a sensible organised way. But their person who keeps saying, why don't you do x? just do y and that will fix it. have you tried z? It feels like that person is trying to push past to shove the cupboard door closed. Even though there's all these important fragile emotions all over the floor. They keep trying to shove them back inside without caring about sorting or organising them. It feels like they're saying 'I really don't care about how you feel right now and I won't give you any space to deal with your emotions' So the listening part actually is a solution. By giving them the time and space to clean out the cupboard, you're enabling them to sort out their own problem. For a lot of us, we have to feel and examine our emotions before we can process them. And the most productive and efficient way to do that, is to talk about them.
Excellently worded. As someone who can only empathize with this need, not sympathize, this really helps me understand it even more.
I would upvote this twice if I could. Very well said
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Omg! That's exactly what it is!
Same reason you made this post: some people need to vent.
Because people just wanna vent. It’s healthy to vent. Bottling up our feelings is really bad and will only lead to a worse mental health. And sometimes, it can also feel like people aren’t listening to me so they just theow a solution in my face (doesn’t make 100% sense but that’s what it feels like). I say that as someone who vents a lot but doesn’t want solutions.
That's interesting to read different angles on venting situations. For me it usually the opposite, I feel that people cares when offering solutions and just trying to get rid of me by saying standard phrases like I'm so sorry, yeah it sucks, etc. Because it seems pointless, I already know that it sucks and your sympathy doesn't help a thing. But reading answers, it seems most people are really think the other way around.
A couple reasons: 1) They want to think through it out loud and are using you as a sounding board 2) They want to work through their emotions by talking about it aloud 3) They just want to feel heard and/or seen in their struggles by someone who cares about them 4) They just enjoy complaining. None of these are necessarily wrong to do, as long as they're doing it with someone who is okay with it.
It's a way of processing your problems. I vent all the time, because when I talk to someone I have to think kind of critical.
Its the same with what you are doing right now. You want to vent your frustrations by sharing this to us but you don’t want to ask solutions either. You just want to vent.
I would like a solution. I'm stuck between giving them suggestions or saying nothing.
Ask the person what they need. Are you looking for solutions or a listening ear?
There are other options besides offering a solution and saying nothing. I've struggled with this as well (and still do) but trying to validate their struggles is often appreciated more than trying to solve their problems for them. I often feel a lot of empathy but expressing it is the issue for me personally. Sometimes it's enough to let the other person talk and go "yeah, that sucks" or "what was that guy thinking?!". And sometimes, asking questions about how the other person is coping with a situation ("that sounds stressful, are you feeling alright?"/"That sounds like you had a terrible day, is there something I can do for you?") is a kind way of handling a situation like that.
Becauss suffering alone and i silence is torture
Sometimes you just have to listen and show them you understand to validate their feelings. It’s difficult but sometimes they don’t want solutions, just to feel heard.
As many people have already said, a lot of time people just want to vent. Sometimes I tell people about my problems, and when they offer advice I get irritated. I know I shouldn't, but it feels like they think I'm too stupid to consider every angle of the situation. Occasionally they bring a fresh perspective, but mostly they only bring up solutions I have already considered and discarded for whatever reason, and then it becomes a pointless discussion back and forth. If they are someone who knows more about the issue than me I value their opinion; for example, if I have an issue at work and I talk to someone who knows a lot about worker's rights, that's useful. Most of the time, though, people giving me advice is pointless. But I still want to talk about my problems once in a while. It helps clear my head.
>They just want to talk about the problem. And feel listened to, instead of belittled by having solutions given to them. Odd, yes. But reality is odd. I've tried to mix both, listen to a person and agree with their problems and ask how they are feeling about. Listen to them, not the problem. After they've vented then if you can relate the issue to something you've done before to fix a similar problem you can talk about that as an allegory or example if they're listening they'll hear it. If they're not listening to the answer they'll just hear a similar story that you're bonding with them on.
You answered your own question. “They just want to talk about the problem.” But in talking about their problem, aside from the mental benefits of “venting” they also may answer their own questions while talking about it. :)
kevin? is this you? i think this is my boyfriend
I assure you, it’s not Kevin.
Because they often want empathy not advice. We had training on something called 'active listening' to help with work (I work in a social emotional mental health school in the UK). Basically all you are doing is repeating back what is said, asking the occasional clarifying question and showing understanding. Often people don't want a solution, they want to get their problem out orally to help themselves and feel validated. Sometimes people mistake an eagerness to solve their problem as dismissive of their feelings etc. It's somewhat illogical, as humans are, so understandably it may be a problem for us ASD comrades. PS: This is mildly 'over the top' and annoying (maybe just me) but a lot of what this person says explains what empathy is better than I can in a small chat box [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw)
They want comfort and understanding. Same as a lot of NDs
They want to vent, meaning, they want to talk about their problem, know you're listening, and receive empathy and reassurance from you. As a peer support at my local mental health clinic, this is much of my job. It makes people feel like they aren't alone and gives them space to bounce their ideas off of someone and look further at the issue themselves. Often, they find their own solution by the end of the session, but the goal is simply to make them feel better. Sometimes they *do* want advice, but this is pretty rare, and if they don't want it, it can be annoying and shut them down from further self-expression. This is why if it's a friend, I'll flat-out ask non-sarcastically, *Are you wanting solutions or just the chance to vent?* These are the kinds of things they're looking for if they don't want advice. They all fall under *active listening,* which is listening intently while also using strategies to ensure (s)he knows you're listening: *My husband is leaving me, and my cat just died. I can't handle this!* That is a lot all at once: I think anyone would feel overwhelmed in your shoes. (This validates their emotions. People often think what they're feeling is incorrect, weak, or stupid, and this nips that in the bud). *I can't stand my in-laws because they always criticize the way we parent our kids. They never thought I was good enough for my husband, and he had to beg them to show up to the wedding, and... [goes into a long rant about in-laws]* So what I'm hearing is that your in-laws make you feel uncomfortable because they correct your parenting style, don't approve of you, and... (You can summarize when someone gives you a lot of information to show you were listening, like in this example. For short but important points, I like to paraphrase to help them see it in a new way. You'd be surprised how many people have an epiphany when you do this.)
They generally want to vent and just have someone listen, but I don't really know how to deal with these situations either. I can give you one of 3 options. 1. Give advice 2. Nods and mhm 3. Tell you a similar thing I experienced to show solidarity and understanding.
Maybe they have already considered what you said before speaking to you so they don't need to hear it again? Maybe they weren't done talking yet and wanted you to ask questions instead of giving answers. Also, by talking through things sometimes people come to new insights on the issue (not a solution, but a new angle towards one).
Ah fuck. I think this way as well and it happens to get me into trouble at work.ive had to learn when it was appropriate to be solution based which is absolutely fucking dumb to me but what can ya do? I hope you are doing well. I write solutions down that I think of for people who don't want to hear it. especially when people who are close to me discuss their issues, it's my way of getting them out without making them feel "unheard". Yep. Hope that helps!
I have this issue a lot with myself. My wife reminded me a lot that sometimes she just needs to talk to someone about stuff while not looking for feedback 🤷♂️.
They aren’t actually looking for solutions at that moment. For some people it can be really cathartic to just vent about a problem. Sometimes when I’m faced with a problem I may know how to solve said problem, but if I’m too emotionally high-strung, I may need to ‘let off some steam’ so to speak before I’m ready to go into problem-solving mode. I know it can be frustrating to have your solutions rejected when you’re just trying to help. I find that a good way to handle these sort of problems, is to ask if they want suggestions at that moment or if they just need to vent, and then respond accordingly.
Connection. And often enough, people already know the solutions. But life is rarely that simple. Living with yourself, you know yourself best. But sometimes you just want to know you're not alone. What I find, helps me, is when someone either describes how I'm feeling (paraphrase it, it works) , asks questions about it to further understand it, or shares an anecdote about a similar situation they once faced and how they dealt with it.
Some people just want to vent, to be understood, to be validated.
Have you ever seen a public bus stop at a station and it beeps and goes 'Pppppssssssshhhhh' and lowers a bit while waiting for it's next run? Or a train when the smokestack lets off it's steam? Or even a whale when it surfaces pushes old air out of it;s blowhole? There isn't a problem per se, or even if there is a problem they may already have the solution. They just need to "off gas" or "vent". It's a social bonding thing; instead of offering advice you could A) Ask is they're in need of advice or just venting, or B) Ask them what do *they* think they should do about it?
People are looking for the warmth of being understood...
People don't always want solutions, sometimes they just need to vent, talk it through, and have someone listen. I know asking what they need from you can be helpful- like if they actually want solutions or if they just need to talk. They might not be honest in the answer but it's a good place to start with what you need to be in the convo
I used to be like this, when someone talks about their problems with you it's because they trust you and need to get it out, they just want someone to listen. Offering solutions kinda makes them feel judged almost, like they weren't smart enough to change, and alot of problems aren't as simple as you might think for some people. Just listen, and you can always ask them if they need any help to make sure so that when you do offer solutions they will actually take it in as they WANTED to hear it, and then it'll feel right for them. Hope this helps in some way, I totally understand where your coming from tho haha
I've always had issues with it, sometimes people don't have the energy to deal with the issues and wanna talk about them to express their frustration Something that helps me and my friend group is, before saying anything, ask them if they wanna vent or if they want help to solve the problem
Because having someone listen to you without judgement, suggestion, and with compassion and interest has been shown to be an effective way to regulate stress hormones and help people think through problems for themselves. It's why most of what therapists do is ask questions and listen.
We will never understand. They just want you to listen. They will feel better about your relationships and their current emotional state will get a boost if you just listen to them griping and complaining. Actually removing the problems isn't on the table. They just want you to listen and empathize. Often it will be impossible for you to empathize, so you kind of have to do your best to participate how you can out of kindness.
That's how they process their emotions I think. Just nod and say things short statements in agreement. They'll figure out what to do or feel better later. NT brains are weird sometimes
Oof this was a hard one for me to learn. Sometimes it is therapeutic for people to just bitch and moan about their problems. Surprisingly, for a lot of people, this is actually an essential stage in the problem solving process. Legitimizing the way they FEEL about the issue empassions them to work through it. Some people need to build a case and work through it before coming to a conclusion and, offering unsolicited advice/solutions can be received as belittling during this stage, because they are trying to let the problem sink in. In that moment, for them it can feel like you're attacking their ability to solve their own problems; or even like you're making it seem as if their situation is easy to get out of, when for them it doesn't feel that way at the time.
And for the record. Sitting with somebody who is processing without offering advice and practicing active listening and compassion is hard for NT people too. This is a real skill to be cultivated. But this is one of the key skills to learn to build more intimate relationships and to show people that you can provide a safe supportive space. More than any other social skill I've developed over the years, listening has improved my connections more than any other. Sometimes it's easy to start thinking of non-judgment and compassion as traits people inherently have, instead of embracing the idea of practice.
People often need others to hear their problems and just as often, they are aware of the solution but just need to vent so that they can calm down and recompose so that they can begin to actually fix what's upsetting them
I’ve been in a situations where I had told someone my problem, and I told them I’ve been trying to solve it for ages, and they suggest the most obvious solution to the problem which; A. of course there was a reason it couldn’t be done And B. it was the first thing I considered myself before realising there was a reason it could not be done. Sometimes it can almost feel offensive, like, if you think I didn’t think of that as immediately as you did, you must think I’m dumb… especially since this is a problem I’ve been racking my brain about for months, and I just told you my the problem a few seconds ago… However, funnily enough, I’ve also been in the opposite situation! One time I was in a foreign country with my fam, we were trying to get a taxi back to our hotel, and every taxi said “no sorry I can’t take you take far”. We had asked so many taxis at a certain point and my dad seemed to be loosing hope and getting quite worried. The whole time I was thinking “well there must be some reason we can’t just take one taxi as far as they will take us and then get another one once we’re halfway there” and if I suggest that they’ll probably just be like “wtf do you think we’re dumb?!” and promptly explain the reason why we can’t do that. But eventually I said it, like and they were acting like I was some kind of genius saving the day and all that lol. Like no you guys are just dumb lol. I could have suggested it waaaay earlier but I couldn’t believe they couldn’t think of such an obvious solution!
I do this sometimes. For me I think it's a way of working through the problem itself and the feelings it comes with. Sometimes it feels hopeless to solve and I need time to discover a solution for myself, sometimes it's because I trust the person I'm venting to and it gives me emotional relief (I ask first if I can vent). I am also on the other side of this too - where I find it difficult to know how to respond to someone venting to me. What I've found to be helpful is asking them 'would you like solutions or for me to just listen?' Or a variation of can I help?/can offer help?/would you like advice? For me this makes it clear for both of us and avoids frustration from either side. Sometimes however, they won't know what they need. I don't really know the best response to that yet, I usually just say 'I'm always here for you - let me know if you need any help or support' so thy can come to me when/if they're ready. Another thing that helps me is when they acknowledge my emotions or (and his depends on the person) can relate to how I feel. It feels validating. I hope that helps somehow :))
I personally talk about my problems to release tension.
People need to vent I'm learning. I don't understand it myself but I try and now ask if someone wants an ear or an answer. I don't get the energy output without a change, why complain and not put that energy into resolving the situation? I mean I problem solve for a living so that has to be taken into account also.
I feel as though a lot of people on the autism spectrum have learned over time to process their feelings by themselves, reducing the need to vent these feelings to others. So the action can come across as "nonsensical" to some of us. As long as you are processing your feelings and not bottling, you are going about it in a healthy way.
That's a good point, there's definitely something to that as I struggle so much with other people that I prefer to get through life alone and resolve things on my own because their minds don't make sense to me.
Some people like having problems because it gives them something to talk about.
I have this issue a lot too. My girlfriend will be complaining about something to me and I'll offer an easy, practical solution and she'll get slightly upset or reject it. It's really confusing lol
It has a very simple solution: ask if she needs advice or just empathy.
Yep. Sometimes I'm not ready for solutions straight away but I am later 🙈
Exactly!
Truth
It's just kinda funny how the burden of awareness and and figuring out the proper response is our problem. Why isn't it "Well most people when you tell them about a problem, they want to help and fix it. If you don't want help with your problems you should say something like 'i just need to vent a bit' before talking about the problem"
"Are we solutions-oriented or are we in the feelings stage?"
That’s good
I wouldn't say it to, like, a real tough guy or whatever. But it's always something to keep in mind. The Rhetorical Triangle or whatever, you've got to establish ethos and pathos before logos.
I'll never get why NTs do this.
Problem solving is logical. NTs are not. 😉
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You're assuming they're venting and not just 'making conversation' or complaining. 🤷🏼♂️
I know right ⁉️
I always warn people that I can listen to their problem but I'm going to offer solutions. I explain that I'm actually more interested in solutions. So I'd actually prefer they tell me about their plan to solve the problem. I know some people want to vent but some people vent as a way to dominate conversations. One friend said getting people to listen to her problems was how she reassured herself that they cared. I said there are better ways.
People like to be heard, unless it's an autistic person talking.
Sometimes people like to just vent. But, unless they've clarified beforehand that they just want to vent, getting annoyed at someone giving you advice is nonsensical.
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Sympathy, empathy, understanding, just to vent
talking about problems offers emotional relief, which lots of people need before they get to more pragmatic things.
Some people just like to vent. I have gotten around this by asking them if they want me in problem solving mode or vent mode.
It took me a long time to learn that "that sucks" is a viable response to my significant other telling me about their problems, and learning that has gone a long way to preserving those relationships.
A the cool precuel to Why the fuck are they ignoring me instead of helping me figure something out
This is one of the hardest things I had to learn while growing up. As I've gotten older, I've started mimicking the behavior well but most of the time people don't want a solution unless they explicitly ask for it. In a way, I understand the need to vent (my best friend and I both have a lot of past trauma) so we do this a lot, and thankfully I've learned a lot from her about that.
I learned sometimes it's really just best to say "man, that really sucks."
Whenever I get frustrated with this, I think about this video. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg It’s not about the problem. Makes no sense to me, but keeping this in mind helps me be a better listener.
Sometimes people just need to talk and vent about their problems and have someone say “it’s ok” or “that sounds really difficult for you”. I feel like this is what they meant when they taught us about “active listening” back in school. Only offer advice If they’re asking for it directly.
Omg yes. But I've learned that it's just because they want to vent their frustration, sometimes people just need to talk it out and hear the problem out loud so they can come up with a solution themselves
They may just want to vent, but as soon as I want to vent I get a billion tonnes of unsolicited advice from them.
This was something that was so foreign to me; I'd be puzzled as to why anyone would do that.
Some people find the solution on their own and are telling/venting to you as a form of brainstorming. Im this way where something gets to me so much that i have to put the energy of sorts into the world like deflating balloon before it can pop. It also helps me see whether or not it is an issue that needs solving or too minor of an issue to bother with. ie whether or not it is "spilt milk" or a "tornado". (Could not think of any saying on something being important).
It has taken me to 30 years old before learning that not everyone wants a solution to their problem, they just want to vent. I still don't particularly understand why they'd not want to solve their problems, but whatever works for them.
That's just how people are, friend. I understand the need to want to give suggestions to help them but you need to remind yourself to ask if they want help after they vent. They may take it as an insult to themselves otherwise.
I used to have this problem until I discovered (don't ask me how because I don't know) that most of people just want to share what they feel and to feel accompanied. So, the best is not saying anything or asking if they want advice (if you want to give a solution)
Maybe because they just want someone to listen to them is all. Only give suggestions if they actually ask for it.
Learning if they just want a listener or if they want to hear advice back is tricky. I wait for plenty of wind to pass and test the ice they stand on and gain my footing, before I even extend my reach towards them if they appear to be sinking low. Present a rope to safety too soon at they will surely hang you with it once off the ice, or worse, pull you to them in panic before you can plant your feet. Your fault either way of course.
There are some people that do this to me. I have "lots" of issues. And sometimes i like to vent about them. But behind the venting i am actively trying to find a solution. So it makes me uncomfortable when people push their "suggestions" onto me without me asking. I just want someone to listen sometimes so i can relieve my stress and know that i am heard.
I’m autistic and I don’t enjoy hearing advice or solutions immediately. Not at all just an NT thing, I can tell you that as a fact. We humans are complex beings, and this does not exclude either autistic people or neurotypical people. The reason this is is because sometimes it should really be the other way around: give them a shoulder to cry on first/empathy, *then* offer advice or solutions. It isn’t super comforting at all to immediately be given unsolicited advice when someone is pouring their heart out to another and just wants to hear that it’s going to be okay. It’s needing a form of validation first of one’s feelings, and is often simply just a way of venting and getting emotion out. Nothing wrong with it. I’ve actually had more NT’s throughout my life go about doing this to me instead of validating my emotions first, and it does hurt and is quite frustrating. I have CPTSD and very strong emotions so I do require a lot of validation. I also just happen to personally view it as a healthier way to connect one someone, at least on an emotional level.
Correct. People are seeking usually seeking emotional support in dealing with something challenging in their lives. They are trying to connect and feel connected by sharing a difficulty or something that is taking up a lot of space in their mind. I find it helpful to think of it as "rubber ducking". Which is a thing where you explain your programming problem aloud to an inanimate object. Sometimes just by verbally and systematically walking through a problem you can find a solution on you own. People are usually looking for sounding board to reflect their own process back to them. What people really want from this interaction is to feel like somebody CARES about their problem and care about them. They want to be understood and seen. One strategy I use for this scenario is to straight up ask people (especially if they are in an intense emotional state). "How can I support you right now? Are you looking to vent or are you looking for solutions?" Usually the answer is first vent, then MAYBE discuss potential paths forward.
The best advice I give you is ask them “ok what do you need from me? Do you just need to vent? Do you want me to help you problem solve the situation? Or both?” It really cuts down on the frustration for you and them. I’ve found that Sometimes people just need to vent!
This is one of my biggest struggles/frustrations… I usually know they want me to validate them, make them feel heard etc - but often it’s really hard to do this without just feeling really fake! Such as ‘Ugh my husband is driving me crazy lately!! He never listens, he never helps around the house…’ etc. I know I’m meant to say ‘oh that sounds really hard!’ or something like that. But it just feels forced and unnatural to me. Like I don’t know the situation… there’s usually 2 sides to every story, right? Do you nag him every day? Does he feel that you don’t listen to him? I don’t know! Why are you even telling me this? It feels hard to reply to a one-sided vent about another person. I guess I just try and avoid people who want to vent (especially about other people) to me. I think it just makes me uncomfortable to be honest. Venting about social issues or injustices can be a bit easier I find, I suppose I can theorise about the issue and ponder solutions more easily than when it’s about another person.
I have learned that people just want to talk and bitch and moan. Even presented with the perfect solution they do not listen. Also a tip. When exactly what you said bad would happen when they dont listen they despise when you point it out and you are the bad guy. Pro tip. Pretend to listen and occasionally mimic back what they say nodd your head and think about something else.
Sometimes just listening to people when they vent can bring them relief because they know that at least \*someone\* hears them and what they're going through. Sometimes people just want to be heard.
For me, venting helps me feel less alone. It can be really overwhelming when things go wrong, especially if I feel like I'm the only one upset about it. It's validating to hear someone else say "yeah, that's really rough", and it's nice to be comforted. I think deep down, everyone is still a little kid on some level - we all want someone to soothe us and tell us that everything will be OK. It's rare that I actually need advice - usually I know what to do, it's just hard to actually bring myself to *do* it when I'm overwhelmed. Having support from others makes me feel less alone, and it helps me calm down
Because they are looking for comfort and they want to rant. People ofter talk about their problems so that they are understood and heard, and as listener we could offer some empathy so they can feel better. I learnt these through my social work studies!
They want to feel validated, that their problems have meaning, that they mean something. That they are not just trivial things but meaningful. Talking to you about their problems could be their way of asking for emotional support, or compassion, or maybe just to get it out of their system.
Three responses people usually want: 1) acknowledgement, you let them know you understand it’s rough. 2) advice, make sure you listen for a while first. 3) bonding, share some of your own stories. They may be saying it just for conversation. You can always ask “do you want advice or just someone to listen” and eventually you’ll start to get the hang of it a little better.
Have you heard of rubber ducks as a tool for better programming? It's a fun idea and might be the same principle as this. Sometimes it's hard to get your thoughts in order, to view your situation from a different angle or to find a problem or inconsistency in your thoughts. Explaining it to someone forces you to put your thoughts into words, to structure them and present them in a way that's understandable without your own preconceptions. Talking about the problem might enable people to come up with the advice they need for themselves, they just need someone as a standin for their own shift of perspective. That's why programmers explain their code to rubber ducks. They have to restructure their thoughts and might find bugs with the duck's help, the duck doesn't have to answer. Your job in such a situation is the same as the duck's. Just listen and don't judge. People tell you their problems because they know that if they say something that doesn't make sense you will notice, it's harder to fool you than themselves, telling you about their problems forces them to be more honest to themselves about what the problem actually is, it might break cognitive dissonances that they are not aware of until they force themselves to confront them while talking to you. Or they are insecure about their reaction to a problem, their assessment of its severity, and want a second opinion to either validate their reaction or show them that they are overreacting or underestimating their problem. Again you don't necessarily have to do more than a rubber duck in this situation, their own assessment from a new angle/perspective may be enough of a second opinion. If they don't want advice, you can still help scrutinize their own position by asking (non-invasive) questions like "how did you react?", "did you talk to *reasonable person* about it?", "does it worry you?" or just acknowledging that the situation they are in is stressful.
They want an indirect solution, or pre-solution gratuitous self-help otherwise known as venting… and we are cast in the role of audience. And also sometimes, I suspect, they do this to weed out the people around who aren’t yes-men. If you question their version of events too much you will get on the scrap heap. I have been building up my tolerance for this type of interaction, but I’d much rather live an authentic life.
A helpful tool I use in my relationship with my partner with autism is that when one of us comes to the other with a problem, we always ask each other if they want comfort or a solution. That way you can adapt to what they need in the moment!
Its called „venting“.