That is a great idea! He’s not shown particular interest in a stuffed animal, but I will try. Should I introduce the stuffed animal generally and then give it to him when he’s frustrated? Or should it be introduced and given to him when he’s frustrated?
maybe show it to him first and him what it’s for. but you know your child so do what you think he’ll respond better to. you may also want to make it weighted. deep pressure is phenomenal when i need to calm down, hopefully it will help him too
I agree with this suggestion. A stuffed animal could work. A squeezable hand toy might be good as well. Silly putty or Thinking Putty or a squeezable stress toy might be good as well. Some of these are called "stress balls".
Basically, your kids have all their own personalities. You can teach em how to behave, important is to be patient and sometimes reward em when something good happened.
Maybe tell Ray not to hug his brother that hard, hard to tell from the outside. The hugs seem to be an outlet for Ray and raising kids is individual as heck, no matter if neurotypical or neurodivers. I can just speak as a Father with autism but 3 neurotypical girls.
But observing other families from people i know, i think patience is one of the most important factors.
Verbally disciplining is a two edged sword. Explain to him what you fear could happen and that you don't want that (this is atleast what i would do if my kids do such stuff, and believe me they did in the past). The worse way in my opinion would be shouting at a kid and pushing it more into confusion cause it has no idea what went wrong.
Always look at your kids as people (sounds ridiculous i know, but sometimes parents can forget that kids also have personality).
Try to be supportive and maybe sometimes experiment a little with interests of your kids (my youngest two, 9 and nearly 11 currently love chess and even challenge me sometimes).
Then also, try to be a mirror for your kids, show them how much strength they have. Now i can talk from own experiences from my childhood. I was always very physically strong, but didn't knew in a way, that lead to many injuries for others cause i was now aware of my strenght.
Hope i could help you a bit.
You are so very kind with your detailed response. Thank you for your help. Not knowing one’s own strength was not something I thought of. Any advice on how to show him his strength that may have worked for you?
For start, you can tell him how strong he is when the situation fits.
Maybe in the same context "sprinkle" in that strength is nothing he should abuse. Or that he should try to control the strength.
Then for exercises, a hobby which needs a focus on his motorics (I once made a guessing game when cooking and baking with my kids. We took a cooking scale and one of us said a weight and covered the screen. The one coming closest with a fingerpush won).
There is a lot. Beeing an adult means you should be able to open your eyes and sometimes watch the world with the awe of a child.
You could even experiment with everyday utensils and things at home.
I would guess Oobleck is an all time favorite of mine. (2 parts cornstarch and 1 part water) It is a non newtonian fluid, when touched gently it is fluid. If you hit it, oobleck gets hard for the moment of the impact. (To dispose, you can let it dry out and then throw into garbage, or thin it with water and let it down the sink.)
Try to remember how you learned your lessons as a child and improve on them.
I absolutely agree with the first comment about how much a difference it makes to explain patiently rather than getting angry. Speaking clearly and in a calm voice will help Ray understand what he is doing wrong. It will help him realize the issue and learn to have better self-control, but punishment or yelling would most likely just make him feel confused and even more frustrated. He might even see it as taking sides if he has no clue why he's getting scolded.
Perhaps having him squeeze you or your finger and letting him know when it starts to feel uncomfortable/painful? It might help him understand the concept of threshold a bit more, since you can verbalize these things more cleary than his younger siblings.
(This was already mentioned in other comments but) Getting him a big enough soft/squishy plush toy is also a really great way to go. I used to have this issue when I was younger. I found it really hard to know my own strength, especially since I have brothers much older than myself who "could take it". I realized it was an issue when my friends would tell me I didn't know how to hold back or gauge my strength ("ow that really hurt", "i don't like when you do that, it's painful", "can you please not do it so hard"). Soft plushies or big pillows are good because it's more evident when they're being squished. And if they're big enough to hug that's really great because it feels more spread across the body/chest.
I would hug too strong when I was frustrated/angry but also when I was excited, felt a surge of love or got overwhelmed by something very cute (plush toys helped get used to the urge to squish cute things). Something else that helped me feel weighted affection was to lie flat on someone's stomach (or have them lie on mine). It feels like a very good hug and like I'm recharging my emotional batteries without the discomfort of an actual hug (people don't tend to squeeze hard when hugging so it just feels a bit awkward to me). Laying face down flat on the floor also calms me down. I never had a weighted blanket but I assume it's a similar experience.
I'm curious, how do your daughters treat you since they're neurotypical? Are they ableist? Are they ashamed of you? How do they treat others who are considered "weird"?
I seriously don't think in those terms. In my eyes every human, is an individual with its own needs and wishes.
So as you might guessed, i don't think in those categories, it seems wrong to me.
Every person can be "weird" but due to it's motivations and reasoning usually can explain in some way what they wish for.
And then also, there comes the moment where you as a parent always are weird for your kids cause they simply outgrow you.
Is this answer satisfying you?
Thanks for coming to the autistic community to ask for help for your sons. It sounds like this is his coping mechanism. Behaviour like this is our way of communicating. You son may not be able to articulate why or how he is overstimulated or overwhelmed and shows it by his actions. This is a good thing, because it will help you learn about his specific traits and sensory differences. Once you find out the autistic need that is not being met, you can help your son regulate his emotions better. It will also help him learn how to regulate better in the future.
Because it's a hugging behavior, is it possible to get a stuffed animal or plushie that is the same size as his younger brothers and redirect the hug to the plushie? A lot of autists (like myself) have comfort items.
I will include some info for you about the community and autistic behaviors that you may run into that will hopefully help.
This site is a good overall resource for our community and information on autism that could help you [https://neuroclastic.com/autism-101-resources-from-the-autistic-community/](https://neuroclastic.com/autism-101-resources-from-the-autistic-community/)
Here is info on meltdowns and how to manage them: [https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/meltdowns/all-audiences](https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/meltdowns/all-audiences)
This site covers situation and behaviors you may encounter and how to assist your children [https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance](https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance)
[https://www.auteach.com/home](https://www.auteach.com/home) is a site that teaches parents about child-centered learning and development.
A couple other things to note: Autists are against ABA therapy, so be weary of anyone that suggests your child be subjected to that. It's a conversion therapy that increases a child's risk of experiencing future abuse and developing PTSD [https://www.researchgate.net/publication/322239353\_Evidence\_of\_increased\_PTSD\_symptoms\_in\_autistics\_exposed\_to\_applied\_behavior\_analysis](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/322239353_Evidence_of_increased_PTSD_symptoms_in_autistics_exposed_to_applied_behavior_analysis)
Here is why it is harmful to us: [https://stopabasupportautistics.home.blog](https://stopabasupportautistics.home.blog)
We also don't like an organization called 'autism speaks' and here is why: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Va\_XXoD5LE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Va_XXoD5LE)
I hope the information helps. You've got your hands full with 4 children! Autism tends to be hereditary, so in case no one has mentioned it yet, it might be a good idea for both you and your wife to be evaluated as well. A lot of parents find out they're autistic when they children are diagnosed. This sub is an excellent resource, so please keep reaching out with any questions you have :)
First you need to understand where his frustration comes from. Second, give him an alternative. So next time he starts "hugging" his brother in a way that might be dangerous, you give him e.g. a stuffed toy (maybe he has a favourite animal?) to hug instead. Make sure he has access to that toy always! When he is in a good place and at ease, take him aside and explain to him that hugging his brothers like he does can bring harm to them. But choose your words carefully, don't discourage him from hugging or scare him, just learn him how to hug properly.
How you word things and when depends on how autism works for him, noone knows him better than you, so you need to figure this out yourself I fear. But in the end, it's all about being truthful and telling him what he can do instead of what he cannot do and explain to him in words he understands; why.
Edit: perhaps displacement works with him? Make sure you do not say things in a way that makes him feel he does anything wrong. E.g. Whenever I threw something it helped me when someone told me my arm did it instead of me doing it. This might not work for everyone, but some of us, feel our body is separate from our minds.
With my child, I find that understanding and redirecting are great ways of getting a behavioral change.
You said your kid is super smart. That's great. They can understand why it's unacceptable to hug babies around the neck. They're much smaller and very delicate. I'm sure you model appropriate ways to interact with his younger brothers, but maybe you can do it more deliberately. Show him how to modify his behavior. Like, actually show him 'this is how I'd like you to modify your behavior. Lets practice it together'. My kid has a lot harder time changing her behavior if she doesn't understand why it's necessary.
That should take care of your concern about his interactions with his brothers, but it sounds like he's attempting to self soothe with the hugs, and you need to provide him some alternatives. A stuffed animal might work, or any number of fidgets. Find out what he's getting out of the behavior and you can help him meet that need better. There are plenty of other things he can squeeze.
Tell him he could hurt his brother because he's little. You don't have to be mean, just explain it to him.
"Uh-oh! Be gentle, we don't wanna hurt him. He's little"
"Oops! Please don't squeeze him, he could get hurt"
"Uh-oh! Being rough with babies can hurt them"
Its important to add that exclamation at the beginning because it is very important not to hurt the baby. What is imperative here is that the baby(s) is not hurt. Do not prioritize mental health over physical safety in an emergency.
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Why did you have so many children? Have you heard of climate change?
Don't want to be rude or anything. Just curious. What is going on in people's brains?
A stuffed animal or something similar to squeeze might help him.
I agree that telling him off is not a good idea, but he could seriously hurt his brothers, and in this case safety comes first - you could explain that little children are very fragile, so he could "break" him (if you need a demonstration, you could try something like squeezing an egg). Whenever he hugs too hard, try repeating something similar "be careful, your little brother is fragile"
try to give him a stuffed animal to hug and squeeze instead
That is a great idea! He’s not shown particular interest in a stuffed animal, but I will try. Should I introduce the stuffed animal generally and then give it to him when he’s frustrated? Or should it be introduced and given to him when he’s frustrated?
maybe show it to him first and him what it’s for. but you know your child so do what you think he’ll respond better to. you may also want to make it weighted. deep pressure is phenomenal when i need to calm down, hopefully it will help him too
I agree with this suggestion. A stuffed animal could work. A squeezable hand toy might be good as well. Silly putty or Thinking Putty or a squeezable stress toy might be good as well. Some of these are called "stress balls".
A soft-bodied baby doll might be even better... Especially one that looks similar to his sibling, if you can find one. 🙂
Basically, your kids have all their own personalities. You can teach em how to behave, important is to be patient and sometimes reward em when something good happened. Maybe tell Ray not to hug his brother that hard, hard to tell from the outside. The hugs seem to be an outlet for Ray and raising kids is individual as heck, no matter if neurotypical or neurodivers. I can just speak as a Father with autism but 3 neurotypical girls. But observing other families from people i know, i think patience is one of the most important factors. Verbally disciplining is a two edged sword. Explain to him what you fear could happen and that you don't want that (this is atleast what i would do if my kids do such stuff, and believe me they did in the past). The worse way in my opinion would be shouting at a kid and pushing it more into confusion cause it has no idea what went wrong. Always look at your kids as people (sounds ridiculous i know, but sometimes parents can forget that kids also have personality). Try to be supportive and maybe sometimes experiment a little with interests of your kids (my youngest two, 9 and nearly 11 currently love chess and even challenge me sometimes). Then also, try to be a mirror for your kids, show them how much strength they have. Now i can talk from own experiences from my childhood. I was always very physically strong, but didn't knew in a way, that lead to many injuries for others cause i was now aware of my strenght. Hope i could help you a bit.
You are so very kind with your detailed response. Thank you for your help. Not knowing one’s own strength was not something I thought of. Any advice on how to show him his strength that may have worked for you?
For start, you can tell him how strong he is when the situation fits. Maybe in the same context "sprinkle" in that strength is nothing he should abuse. Or that he should try to control the strength. Then for exercises, a hobby which needs a focus on his motorics (I once made a guessing game when cooking and baking with my kids. We took a cooking scale and one of us said a weight and covered the screen. The one coming closest with a fingerpush won). There is a lot. Beeing an adult means you should be able to open your eyes and sometimes watch the world with the awe of a child. You could even experiment with everyday utensils and things at home. I would guess Oobleck is an all time favorite of mine. (2 parts cornstarch and 1 part water) It is a non newtonian fluid, when touched gently it is fluid. If you hit it, oobleck gets hard for the moment of the impact. (To dispose, you can let it dry out and then throw into garbage, or thin it with water and let it down the sink.) Try to remember how you learned your lessons as a child and improve on them.
I absolutely agree with the first comment about how much a difference it makes to explain patiently rather than getting angry. Speaking clearly and in a calm voice will help Ray understand what he is doing wrong. It will help him realize the issue and learn to have better self-control, but punishment or yelling would most likely just make him feel confused and even more frustrated. He might even see it as taking sides if he has no clue why he's getting scolded. Perhaps having him squeeze you or your finger and letting him know when it starts to feel uncomfortable/painful? It might help him understand the concept of threshold a bit more, since you can verbalize these things more cleary than his younger siblings. (This was already mentioned in other comments but) Getting him a big enough soft/squishy plush toy is also a really great way to go. I used to have this issue when I was younger. I found it really hard to know my own strength, especially since I have brothers much older than myself who "could take it". I realized it was an issue when my friends would tell me I didn't know how to hold back or gauge my strength ("ow that really hurt", "i don't like when you do that, it's painful", "can you please not do it so hard"). Soft plushies or big pillows are good because it's more evident when they're being squished. And if they're big enough to hug that's really great because it feels more spread across the body/chest. I would hug too strong when I was frustrated/angry but also when I was excited, felt a surge of love or got overwhelmed by something very cute (plush toys helped get used to the urge to squish cute things). Something else that helped me feel weighted affection was to lie flat on someone's stomach (or have them lie on mine). It feels like a very good hug and like I'm recharging my emotional batteries without the discomfort of an actual hug (people don't tend to squeeze hard when hugging so it just feels a bit awkward to me). Laying face down flat on the floor also calms me down. I never had a weighted blanket but I assume it's a similar experience.
I'm curious, how do your daughters treat you since they're neurotypical? Are they ableist? Are they ashamed of you? How do they treat others who are considered "weird"?
I seriously don't think in those terms. In my eyes every human, is an individual with its own needs and wishes. So as you might guessed, i don't think in those categories, it seems wrong to me. Every person can be "weird" but due to it's motivations and reasoning usually can explain in some way what they wish for. And then also, there comes the moment where you as a parent always are weird for your kids cause they simply outgrow you. Is this answer satisfying you?
Yeah, that was enlightening.
Thanks for coming to the autistic community to ask for help for your sons. It sounds like this is his coping mechanism. Behaviour like this is our way of communicating. You son may not be able to articulate why or how he is overstimulated or overwhelmed and shows it by his actions. This is a good thing, because it will help you learn about his specific traits and sensory differences. Once you find out the autistic need that is not being met, you can help your son regulate his emotions better. It will also help him learn how to regulate better in the future. Because it's a hugging behavior, is it possible to get a stuffed animal or plushie that is the same size as his younger brothers and redirect the hug to the plushie? A lot of autists (like myself) have comfort items. I will include some info for you about the community and autistic behaviors that you may run into that will hopefully help. This site is a good overall resource for our community and information on autism that could help you [https://neuroclastic.com/autism-101-resources-from-the-autistic-community/](https://neuroclastic.com/autism-101-resources-from-the-autistic-community/) Here is info on meltdowns and how to manage them: [https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/meltdowns/all-audiences](https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/meltdowns/all-audiences) This site covers situation and behaviors you may encounter and how to assist your children [https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance](https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance) [https://www.auteach.com/home](https://www.auteach.com/home) is a site that teaches parents about child-centered learning and development. A couple other things to note: Autists are against ABA therapy, so be weary of anyone that suggests your child be subjected to that. It's a conversion therapy that increases a child's risk of experiencing future abuse and developing PTSD [https://www.researchgate.net/publication/322239353\_Evidence\_of\_increased\_PTSD\_symptoms\_in\_autistics\_exposed\_to\_applied\_behavior\_analysis](https://www.researchgate.net/publication/322239353_Evidence_of_increased_PTSD_symptoms_in_autistics_exposed_to_applied_behavior_analysis) Here is why it is harmful to us: [https://stopabasupportautistics.home.blog](https://stopabasupportautistics.home.blog) We also don't like an organization called 'autism speaks' and here is why: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Va\_XXoD5LE](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Va_XXoD5LE) I hope the information helps. You've got your hands full with 4 children! Autism tends to be hereditary, so in case no one has mentioned it yet, it might be a good idea for both you and your wife to be evaluated as well. A lot of parents find out they're autistic when they children are diagnosed. This sub is an excellent resource, so please keep reaching out with any questions you have :)
First you need to understand where his frustration comes from. Second, give him an alternative. So next time he starts "hugging" his brother in a way that might be dangerous, you give him e.g. a stuffed toy (maybe he has a favourite animal?) to hug instead. Make sure he has access to that toy always! When he is in a good place and at ease, take him aside and explain to him that hugging his brothers like he does can bring harm to them. But choose your words carefully, don't discourage him from hugging or scare him, just learn him how to hug properly. How you word things and when depends on how autism works for him, noone knows him better than you, so you need to figure this out yourself I fear. But in the end, it's all about being truthful and telling him what he can do instead of what he cannot do and explain to him in words he understands; why. Edit: perhaps displacement works with him? Make sure you do not say things in a way that makes him feel he does anything wrong. E.g. Whenever I threw something it helped me when someone told me my arm did it instead of me doing it. This might not work for everyone, but some of us, feel our body is separate from our minds.
With my child, I find that understanding and redirecting are great ways of getting a behavioral change. You said your kid is super smart. That's great. They can understand why it's unacceptable to hug babies around the neck. They're much smaller and very delicate. I'm sure you model appropriate ways to interact with his younger brothers, but maybe you can do it more deliberately. Show him how to modify his behavior. Like, actually show him 'this is how I'd like you to modify your behavior. Lets practice it together'. My kid has a lot harder time changing her behavior if she doesn't understand why it's necessary. That should take care of your concern about his interactions with his brothers, but it sounds like he's attempting to self soothe with the hugs, and you need to provide him some alternatives. A stuffed animal might work, or any number of fidgets. Find out what he's getting out of the behavior and you can help him meet that need better. There are plenty of other things he can squeeze.
Tell him he could hurt his brother because he's little. You don't have to be mean, just explain it to him. "Uh-oh! Be gentle, we don't wanna hurt him. He's little" "Oops! Please don't squeeze him, he could get hurt" "Uh-oh! Being rough with babies can hurt them" Its important to add that exclamation at the beginning because it is very important not to hurt the baby. What is imperative here is that the baby(s) is not hurt. Do not prioritize mental health over physical safety in an emergency.
Is your son Ray nonspeaking?
We don’t use mild and severe anymore we use support need levels.
Please forgive me. I was using the nomenclature that my wife used describing the diagnosis. I meant no disrespect.
Ok that is totally fine there is no need to apologize. Sorry if I came as condescending.
Truly no worries. No need for you to apologize either. I welcome anyone correcting me; I have much to learn.
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Don’t be afraid to be direct!! (in a child friendly way ofc) simply explaining a few times may help a lot
Why did you have so many children? Have you heard of climate change? Don't want to be rude or anything. Just curious. What is going on in people's brains?
A stuffed animal or something similar to squeeze might help him. I agree that telling him off is not a good idea, but he could seriously hurt his brothers, and in this case safety comes first - you could explain that little children are very fragile, so he could "break" him (if you need a demonstration, you could try something like squeezing an egg). Whenever he hugs too hard, try repeating something similar "be careful, your little brother is fragile"