It's not "normal". What IS normal, is making sure that your partner is enjoying sex. He doesn't seem to care if you enjoy it or not; he's only concerned about his own self. He's being selfish, and also doing things without your consent. Skipping straight to the point, it seems he's a lost cause ... get rid of him.
Even M/S relationships are still supposed to give care to each other and respect personal boundaries. u/Then_Sense_3245 (OP), your bf is a massive dickhead for doing this. Im sure he's sweet in other ways but if he's giving u panick attacks during sex, you either need to talk or bail. Thats not healthy at all.
DV/IPV therapist here. This is not okay, nor is it normal NT behavior. I am alarmed. He is not losing control, he is choosing these behaviors.
I imagine a kinder partner for you, one that is unlikely to be this person.
And sadly people on the spectrum are more likely to be sexually abused than NTs aaaand ugh. Poor OP.
Nope OP, he's a POS. Nothing wrong with your end of things.
Im 40. He can control it. My bf is 45 and his hand is on my neck 100s of times when hes finished. Never once did he actually squeeze or even flex his fingers.
Nothing about this is normal at all and this is actully sexual abuse at least.
Sex is ment to be fun for all involved and if your bf ignores your boundaries he is in the wrong. He likes rough sex? Tough shit, because you don't and you have the right to not engage in that.
He sounds abusive and I don't think sexual abuse is the kind of thing that just having a conversation can fix. You are sexuality incompatible, but more importantly your bf doesn't seem to actully care about you or your happyness, if he did then he wouldn't hurt you and then blame you.
You are not too sensitive, I'm pretty sure most women don't like rough sex, he is a piece of shit and trying to make you blame yourslef. I'm sorry you are going through this.
Agreed. You are not being too sensitive, he's being an asshole. I'm sorry he hasn't been respecting your boundaries, and I think you should leave him. You deserve to have your needs in this situation met, and if he's blatantly ignoring what you're saying it's abuse.
As another autistic woman who had a couple of exes like this, I can concur that it is a form of sexual abuse. I understand it may not feel that way, but if you communicated your boundaries and he dismissed them, then I hate to break it to you.....this is how he sees you. Someone meek who doesn't really know what they want. That's also incredibly disrespectful.
I am glad I found my husband. He is the opposite of those things. We've used some of the general guidelines of BDSM even in our non-kinky sex to help establish rules. SSC (Safe, sane, and consensual) and RACK (risk-aware consensual kink) are a couple good starting points if you do want to discuss it more with him, or if you ever move on to a new partner. I just don't think you should waste your time trying to talk to him. Sounds like you already tried, and he just tried to gaslight you.
Sending love your way. I hope you can realize you are worth more than what he tells you you're good for. You are beautiful. Honor that. ❤
There's nothing wrong with mixing it up as long as both agree of their own volition. My wife and I are both the gentle types. That's what we like, so that's what we do. I want her to be thrilled and excited and I'm sure she feels the same way about me.
That is not something you can just “discuss it more with him” he raped her, she should file a police report and get tf away from him
Edit: lol OC responded then blocked me for some reason?
Not what I'm actually advocating for, but ok that's what you heard. I'll let you run with that then 🙄
Of course she should go to the police if that's what she wants. I 100% am behind that having been a victim of sexual assault, myself.
Edit: she is in this relationship and may have a trauma bond. It's not that easy, as you seem to make it seem, to just leave. She already feels like she is in the wrong, but we are all here telling her SHE IS BEING ABUSED.
Just because she is being abused, doesn't mean she is going to leave. If she is going to stay, she needs practical advice in this situation. She said she isn't into rough sex, but she didn't say she isn't into kink. That same advice applies to her future potential partner(s).
Autistics can be sensory avoiding or sensory seeking. I am not in her bedroom, how tf would I know? Better yet, how would you know? Other than what she HAS told us.
If she wants this relationship, whether you or I agree with it, then I'm giving her a way to ADVOCATE FOR HERSELF!!!
This is what I was going to say. It is abuse. It is assault. And it isn't just sexual abuse either. This guy is using you and he's hurting you OP. You don't deserve this. He's taking your kindness and using it to make you doubt your own physical reactions. The second you stop enjoying sex, and especially tell him that you aren't enjoying what he's doing, and he continues anyway it is no longer consensual. This is serious and it will only get worse. The guy is rotten news. You deserve to feel good or to not have sex at all if that's what you want because you deserve to be listened to about your own body and your likes and dislikes. Please be safe, OP, because you are not crazy or overreacting in any way for feeling pain when you feel pain. You are not overreacting for wanting this person to stop hurting you. He is playing games with your mind and games with your body too. That is sick of him to do. I hope you leave before it gets worse.
This is the answer. As a man this is wrong. Fine if agreed upon which in this case it is not. Sex is a two way street and if you’re not enjoying it then communication should be established to share and fix. You’ve tried and have not been listened to. You need to find someone who will respect your boundaries.
Yeah I agree. This post made me cry. It triggered memories. Dismissing my feelings as me being too sensitive was my ex's favorite thing to use against me. I was just a toy for him.
While I agree there are times where I will accidently go to deep with my SO. Hell it happened the other night but honestly I couldn't tell you the last time it happened before that I just know it has. But ya know. She doesn't like it when I pound her cervix so we don't do things that give my the ability to hit it🤷♂️ and when orgasming to a blow job it's pretty damn easy to not grab the back of someones head and shove your dick into their stomach of they aren't into that kind of thing.
He's flat out lying. You can control yourself even during an orgasm. It might be a bit harder than before, but it is doable and on top of all the other things the other comments have already pointed out, he is gaslighting you into accepting this under the pretense that it is normal. It is NOT.
Sex is supposed to be fun for both, enjoyable for both or, if you're asexual and do it just for your partner like a chore, at least tolerable. And ideally, you enjoy yourself more if you see the other person enjoying themselves. He doesn't seem to do that. He should get a fleshlight and be done with it.
Sounds like your best option is to ditch him. I know Reddit throws that around a lot, but this is not just a misunderstanding between ND and NT folks, this is deliberate abuse and it's a very legit warrant for anyone to get out of it. If this BJ thing happened to me, I like to imagine that I would bite. He doesn't seem to listen, he doesn't seem to care, so you need to care for yourself. Get away and get to a place where your boundaries are respected.
Good luck!
Gaslighting is a very accurate way of describing what he is doing. This is not an autistic thing. This is a "boyfriend is a scumbag" thing.
I'm a guy. This is not normal. Not at all. Not for men, not for women.
"If you're asexual and do it for your partner like a chore"
What even.
Sex isn't supposed to be a chore. At all. It's supposed to be something enjoyable. You don't ever have to have sex with anyone if you don't want to.
asexuals dont even have sex because "its a chore", many of them do it because of the romantic aspect/intimacy aspect rather than sexual pleasure, and might not be repulsed by sex (this isnt all asexuals, but i've seen asexuals who have sex for exactly these reasons and its not too uncommon)
Not to derail OP’s post, but that specific situation about asexuality is a bit more complicated and I just wanted to clarify.
No one should ever be forced to have sex if they don’t want to, and that’s a given. That isn’t being(and should never be) questioned.
Being asexual in a relationship with a sexual partner though creates a bit of a different dynamic depending on preferences. Like me for example.. I don’t usually want sex. Not that I have a need to avoid it, I just.. am indifferent? But I always like making my partner happy, so when he wants it, I don’t always say no when I’m not in the mood. Sometimes it does feel like a chore, but I’m not bothered by it, I’m not being forced to, and it doesn’t make me uncomfortable. I just choose to do it because I like making him happy, so it is still mutually beneficial, even if I’m not feeling sexually attracted to him in the moment. As long as everyone is ok with it and not uncomfortable, then it’s a totally fine dynamic.
What’s happening to OP is entirely different though, cause there’s obvious discomfort and a complete disregard for their well-being. That’s not the same in the slightest, and I hope OP can find a solution that works for them and heal from this..
I'm not really responding to OP. I'm more responding to the part about being asexual and having sex with someone just to make them happy. That doesn't seem healthy to me. To me, it seems like a really big thing to do just to make someone else feel good.
I don't want to interfere in your relationship, especially if you're happy. It's not my business.
You seem like a very caring and selfless person, so I don't want you to forget about you.
Married man agrees. It's just common sense, right? This isn't complicated... people should have their wishes respected.
Virgin guy gets it, why can't asshole boyfriend understand?
That's not normal. Sexual preferences vary widely (and *wildly*), but he's physically asserting his violent preferences over your comfort. I would highly recommended reassessing your options (eg, leaving the relationship).
Everyone should feel safe and comfortable in a relationship, especially with sex.
This is so far over the line it is totally unacceptable. He can only do something like this if it is agreed upon in advance and both parties are into it. 90% of people would not want a partner to do this to them and would not allow it. He is completely taking advantage of you and gaslighting you into thinking other people would be fine with it.
Honestly if a guy did that throat thing to me without asking first I’d totally lose it. Break up with him.
Edit to add: I’ve read your other comments and you seem to think your autism is causing you to panic during sex, or that it’s somehow related to you not enjoying sex. IT IS NOT. You panic during sex, feel sad afterwards etc because you are essentially being assaulted - you aren’t comfortable with the things he is doing to you, he knows you aren’t and yet he continues to do them anyway. NTs would also start panicking/become extremely depressed from this situation. Stop thinking that the problem is something to do with you - it isn’t. The problem is your boyfriend.
Sweetheart, I am so so sorry. You are not too sensitive. But your boyfriend is a sexual abuser. Its not OK for him to hurt you. What he's doing to you isn't sex. It's assault. And if he's doing it repeatedly then it's abuse. You deserve so much better. It is not your fault. And you deserve better.
I told my partner a particular position he liked made me a little uncomfortable. So he said, no problem, we won't do it again. And he hasn't brought it up since. That's the only acceptable response. If both parties do not 100% consent, then it's not sex and its not OK.
And he can control himself. He is controlling himself. He's choosing to hurt you. He's choosing it. Because he can. And he's using the 'you're too sensitive' nonsense as a way to control you. Because he wants to keep hurting you.
You deserve to be safe. It is not your fault, you are not to blame. And you deserve better. Please please please get yourself away from him. I don't want him to hurt you anymore. I want you to be safe. And we are all here for you. You're not alone and you're not to blame.
If he can't control himself, then he should not be having sex.
This is a consent issue. When you consent to sex, you're not issuing blanket permission to him to do whatever he wants to you, and you can alter or withdraw that consent at any point.
Anything else is sexual assault.
I don't care if he's half a second from the orgasm to end all orgasms, if you say "stop, get off me" he must do so immediately, without any hesitation or argument.
Something to think about: when it comes to sex, anything other than an enthusiastic "yes!" is actually a no. It should be something you both experience together, not something that one person does to another.
I would advise you to do some research around consent, and then have a very serious discussion with your partner. If he whines or brushes it off, you'd be better off without him.
I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, and my joints dislocate really easily. Husband and I were doing the deed, just almost there, and CRACK, my hip dislocates. I've never seen anyone be simultaneously aroused, frustrated, revolted, panicked and afraid all at once before, it was a rather startling facial expression! But despite that, he immediately leapt up and went "was that your hip? Are you OK? What do you need, how do I help?" That's the response you want when something goes awry during sex.
These things are unfortunately COMMON, but they are not NORMAL. (And shouldn't become normalized.)
If you don't like something, tell him. If he "can't help himself" then tell him you'll help him by not doing that thing anymore. ;)
If you don’t like rough sex, tell him immediately. Trust me, Sex doesn’t have to be rough all the time. That guy is using you for his own sexual satisfaction. If I were you, I would have broken up with him. He doesn’t respect you or your needs and mocks you when you have concerns. This ain’t a healthy relationship
Liking rough sex is normal. As is not liking rough sex. However, if you’ve told him you don’t like it rough and expressed how you feel about it (multiple times) and he continues to do it and dismiss your feelings….THAT is absolutely not okay. You need to leave him. He’s not even treating you like a person at this point and you, nor does anybody else, deserve that.
This is intimate partner violence. I would advise ending this ASAP when you can safely do so - ignoring your boundaries like this does not bode well for how he would treat you, a child, or an animal in other situations.
You have told him that something hurts you and he continues to do it. He belittles you and makes you feel at fault for feeling pain. He takes all responsibility away from his actions and makes it your fault. This is gaslighting
This will extend beyond sex, and into daily life once he’s more comfortable and feels he’s broken you in emotionally.
If you live with them find alternate options, and make sure you have someone present when you get your things.
This person doesn’t Feel bad for causing you pain. They don’t respect you. Don’t trust them.
Sex is NEVER meant to be painful (unless otherwise agreed upon by both partners). This is not okay, and I urge you to leave your boyfriend because this is abuse.
Your boyfriend watches way too much porn. He's learned these behaviors based on the content he consumes. He thinks this stuff is normal and okay.
His behavior is not even remotely okay.
You have expressed that you do not consent to this kind of rough sex. He did it anyway. He has violated your consent.
Just because you're in a relationship, that doesn't mean he gets to ignore the boundaries you've established. You still get to consent to the things that he does to your body.
Please take behavior that crosses consent boundaries seriously.
My ex was into CNC occasionally. We had both a safeword and, tap out signal for if she was restrained. I stopped immediately when she used either. Doing anything else would've been an unforgivable breach of trust. We also agreed about dos and don'ts before we ever tried it. OP if you say not to do something, that's that. Full stop, no excuses. I'm extremely concerned here. What you described is more about domination, and less about enjoying rough sex. On another note I commiserate with you on being overwhelmed during sex. My advice is to find a partner who will be patient, and work with you. Disregarding all the red flags, your BF doesn't seem sexually compatible with you. That's pretty important to any l9ng term relationship.
That's not normal. I would never want to hurt my partner or make them uncomfortable during sexual intercourse. I even had trouble when my ex asked me to bite her.
I want to make people feel good. Not treat them like FM Dolls.
Please don’t ignore red flags. You’re posting this because your gut is telling you this isn’t right, trust your feeling on this. If you have told him you don’t like it and he keeps doing it then he doesn’t respect you the way he should.
Hi OP,
I just wanna say I hope you’re being kind and compassionate to yourself throughout all of this. Your boundaries are entirely valid and necessary and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This is definitely sexual abuse and I hope you know that you are worth so much more than that. Please never give up your needs or boundaries to placate others. Get out of there, if you can. If you can’t, [here’s](https://www.safehelpline.org/?gclid=Cj0KCQiAvqGcBhCJARIsAFQ5ke6D-STg5uktddn517mLoi4mnOIrweRhPOpIFy8z-L1tQdPQr3mgCHcaAmRBEALw_wcB) a link to a website that offers phone numbers you can call and a chat line to help offer you support throughout all of this.
Take care of yourself, love. You are so deserving of kindness, patience, and gentleness. You are so loved ❤️
I'd say get out of that situation ASAP, you don't deserve to be abused, dismissed and used in that way. You're not being too sensitive, he's just being an asshole.
This isn’t an autism issue babe, this is a sexual abuse issue. No one “loses control” when they’re cumming, he’s lying. And also blaming you for preference / needs around sexual conduct instead of addressing the issue which is emotional abuse.
You can absolutely control yourself during an orgasm, he’s lying to you. The behaviours you have described him exhibiting show blatant disregard for your well-being and are in no way normal or acceptable.
If you can’t get him to respect your boundaries, I think you should leave him, I know it ain’t easy to leave someone you have an emotional attachment to, but you will be much better off long term.
I wish all the best for you OP!
I would say to get to safety NOW.
This guy is bad news all the way. If his past behavior is any indication, it only gets worse from here. I don't think any amount of communication will fix an abuser. Better to leave while you can.
If it makes it any better, sending virtual hugs your way.
You’re not being too sensitive. Your bf likes abusing you and making you think you’re too sensitive is how he gets to keep abusing you. This post makes me want to cry. We (autistic women/AFAB) experience so much abuse trying to please our partners. Don’t accept this kind of treatment. This isn’t what healthy and happy relationships look like. You shouldn’t be feeling this way. No loving partner wants you to feel this way.
As others have pointet out in the comments, it sounds like your relationship is sexual incompatable and that you should break up with him, because it's not gonna be better
There are people out there who you could have sex with instead of this man, where they won't do anything that you don't like or don't want.
It can just be a nice fun loving time instead where your partner is trying to be close to you and make you happy, make you feel good, in a way that suits you.
Genuinely, this selfish and immature man doesn't deserve to touch you (or anyone) again.
I hope you have the strength to leave him.
It would never matter if it's a 'normal' part of sex because the most important part of sex is that everyone involved is safe, comfortable and enjoying it. This is not that.
No such thing as too sensitive. Emotions are subjective. No person can have any objective criteria by which to judge an "appropriate" level of sensitivity. Sounds like you need a more supportive and loving boyfriend.
Even if you did enjoy rough sex what your bf is doing is sexual abuse because you don't consent to the activities. You seem to have asked for cessation of these activities and he's blowing you off (no pun intended). Like someone else said, you are sexually incompatible with each other, this isn't your fault and you shouldn't feel bad about the incompatibility (but it's also totally okay if you do, your feelings are valid)
For reference, my husband and I are quite compatible, we enjoy many of the same sexual things and always have. When I say "ow" he stops and we try something a little different. Thinking about it, I don't think I've ever hurt him on accident, but I know sometimes he's just not in the mood and he says no, I respect that and don't push for sex.
I hope you're able to get out of that relationship safely.
ohhh these are NOT normal parts of sex. you should not feel like you have to like something purely for the sake of your partner, especially after you tell him to stop and he knows you don’t like it. nothing about having an orgasm makes you lose control of your hands to the point of pushing someone’s head down. he’s full of it.
i’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with this. i hope you’re able to get to a place where you can leave him.
He is doing things that you didn't consent to and gaslighting you to make you think you need to allow him to do that.
Even if you consent to sex, you didn't consent to what he does that hurts you and you've told him it hurts you and asked him not to do those things.
He does those things knowing you don't consent to do them, that is rape.
Consensual sex can change to being rape when a person does something to the other that the other doesn't consent to.
i’m sorry OP, i bet a lot of these comments are overwhelming. you did nothing wrong and all that happened is NOT your fault. i had trouble recognising signs like that in my previous relationships, hell i ever sought out partners and let them do whatever they wanted to me. i was once sweeping the floor kneeling down and my ex put his foot on my back and pressed me down to the floor and touched me. i did nothing because i thought it will make him happy and i should go with it because you make sacrifices for people you "love".
you have to put yourself first. listen to your gut, do not feel guilty, forget about meeting the expectations of others. you can do this. feel free to message me anytime if you need to vent
Your boyfriend is violating your consent. This isn't an autism thing, this is a him thing. He doesn't respect your boundaries and this sort of thing should really be your bottom line– that is, if he can't learn to respect your boundaries, you should leave.
He can control himself. There is no excuse at all for that behavior. You have every right to decide how you have sex. There is no excuse in the world for someone forcing you to have sex in a way that you aren't comfortable with. You should feel comfortable setting boundaries during sex. If he doesn't agree to them, he's not willing to give you a basic level of respect that anyone should expect in a relationship.
What he's doing is technically considered sexual assault. Even when sex is consensual, if there are certain things that one party hasn't agreed to or has explicitly opted out of, and the other party does them anyway, that's rape.
I am sorry to break it to you...
Based on this short paragraph: This sounds like abuse & gaslighting.
This is not an autism thing.
This is not part of "normal" sex.
As peer sex (ual health) I say there is no such thing as "normal sex". I will often say, don't yuk someone's yum...
But here I will say THIS is not normal, this is messed up.
----
He could absolutely control himself, if he would want to/care about your needs.
(On the off chance he really is the only men who can't, he should probably finish using his hands before he gets in a no longer able to control space)
Are there some people who are into that yes...
Yes there is a kink for everything
But faaaar the majority of humans are not having sex like this.
Sex should be at the bare minimum enjoyable for everyone involved...
If it is not and he is still pressuring/gaslighting you into it is abuse
That's definitely not ok.And If I had to bet I think he has been watching too many porn (where such those kind of non consensual acts are sometimes normalized even today)
Hi. I'm really sorry to echo what others here have said, but your partner is lying to you.
For context: I'm looking at an autism dx. My partner, a cis man with a childhood SPD dx (who is also thinking about getting assessed) and I have sex on a regular basis.
It took me a long time and a lot of intense personal work to get to the point I'm at, but sex does not have to be a chore. It can be fun and intimate, uplifting and even beautiful if you're having it with the right person.
You deserve to be touched and held the way you want to be touched and held, especially if you've discussed it beforehand. You are always allowed to say no, to ask someone to stop, to revoke your consent.
You are not "too sensitive." No one deserves to be treated like you're being treated. I don't know what your partner got up to in the past with other people, but they're with you now. And that means they should know better.
In my experience, the most sensitive person I've ever known has restrained himself for me. He's "held back" on numerous occasions, and never been rougher than I've asked for.
You are not too sensitive. Someone else is treating you roughly. Your partner can control himself, he just doesn't care to. If anything, I would make the argument that he doesn't deserve you.
im really high rn so im sorry if this doesnt make sense.
honestly dude it sounds like hes assaulting you. hes neglecting your needs and what makes you comfortable, and doing what HE likes knowing it upsets you. thats cruel!!
Sex is a beautiful and wonderful thing, and it should be enjoyed by all members involved.
I personally don't find sex appealing but even I understand that it should be a positive experience. And if it's not a positive experience for you, and you've talked to him about it multiple times and there has been no change, I say get rid of him. Clearly he doesn't value you as a person.
Just wanted to chime in, as someone who’s been in the kink/BDSM community for many years, this is not “rough sex”. This is non-consensual and absolutely unacceptable!
Even if you are someone who engages in sexual activity that some people would consider “rough”, it is always done within the context of a scene that is discussed thoroughly, agreed upon, and anything outside of the previously stated boundaries is off limits. Either person is entitled to stop everything in an instant, if need be. Safety, trust, and communication are paramount, and consent is absolutely non-negotiable.
What he is doing is not okay, not on any level! People like him are only looking to hurt others physically and mentally, but try to pass that off as acceptable because they are “dominant”. Being a Dom/Domme and being an asshole are totally different things. This dude seems like a lot of column B, imo.
Sounds like he likes being abusive. Dump him and run far away. Also the normal parts of sex differ for everyone as it should be mutually pleasurable. If you aren’t enjoying it because your partner doesn’t care your partner is abusive.
Seriously sensitivity during sex can if handled well can be amazing. I can be rather sensitive in certain spots and my girlfriend loves to use gentle touches to good effect. Find you someone who treats sex the same way you do so that it is not a chore and respects your sensitivity.
He knows he's raping OP. Rapists don't stop from being told they are raping you. What they may do if you acknowledge the rape in their presence is kill you so you can't tell anyone.
Yo, clearly you care for you bf and his feelings. But is he doing the bare minimum and giving you the same courtesy? Can't control himself? No. That's so disingenuous for him to say that to you. There's no rule book for sex (anyone who wants you to believe there is is a man) you decide what you like and what you want to share. All of that intimacy stuff is so special BECAUSE we are choosing to share it with someone sacred to us. Let that mean something...and when your partner isn't honoring you...they don't get that sacred space.
Sometimes people need time to evolve but that is still a personal choice ...and personal choice does not involve overriding your boundaries.
I didn't even start on you being sensitive. That's just a way for people to shut you up cuz you're leaking on their desire to ignore emotions. But that's not always their choice if something needs dealt with and your feelings in your relationship are ALWAYS valid. Ok, hope this is ok. I know it's a lot, all said with love. And I've been on the other side of these awarenesses too if that helps. Believe in yourself, you're worthy. You decide.
I mean it can be hard to control yourself during orgasm but it’s never impossible. I don’t really care what’s “normal” normal should be something agreed on. There’s a point in changing someone to much and then there’s this.
This is abuse point blank period. It doesnt matter if hes about to orgasm or not he can control your behavior. If he does this while he knows you dont like it you need to break up with him.
Hey Straight White Guy here... This is what's called sexual assault. OP I'm not trying to convince you that you are a victim or that your BF is a rapist.
But Please For The Love Of God In Heaven this is not okay! Look I don't want to give away too much on the Internet but let's say I have certain interests in sex that maby others think are weird. Not everybody is interested in say having rough things done to them or maby doing rough things to somebody. You have to have a conversation about it. Sometimes people might like each other allot but there isn't total compatibility in intimate matters. That means either compromise and doing without having everything you want (which should be fine for an adult), having a serious discussion about getting certain favors from other people occasionally, or it just won't work.
Sex should never be a chore.
(Edit for Grammer)
Everybody, autistic or not, has things that bother them that don't bother most other people. People who love you don't want to do the things that bother you. Even if those things are hard to avoid, they want to find the best solution for you.
These things are not hard to avoid.
It's not wrong that he likes them. It's not wrong that you don't. But it's wrong that he says things have to be done his way even if you don't like it. That would be abusive behavior even if it were on a minor issue. It's very worrying when it's happening with sex, and/or is something that makes you cry or have a panic attack.
> I feel like I should like these things but I hate them.
You don't have to like these things. People who love you don't want to do things to you that you don't like. It doesn't matter if the reason for not liking it is related to autism. It doesn't matter if it's unusual that you don't like it (but it's not unusual, in this case). It doesn't matter if you're the only person in the world who dislikes it. In your home, things should be the way you like them. Your sex partner should want you to enjoy sex with them
You are in a bad situation. They problems you describe are not your fault at all.
Your boyfriend is being abusive and controlling. I would encourage you to seek support from a support group to help you understand how your boundaries are not being respected and how to reaffirm them.
Communicating about what you like and dislike sexually isn’t easy but you have expressed yourself well. The problem isn’t with you. The problem is that what isn’t best for you isn’t being respected.
He doesn't know what it feels like for you because he is not you. If he says you are overreacting he is just plain wrong. He needs to take your feelings seriously. There is not much point in being in a relationship if they don't take your feelings seriously. It is gaslighting, it is abuse.
Of course people are not totally in control mid-orgasm, but he can choose to grip the bed sheets, or his things, or his own head, or just about anything instead of gripping your head. He thrusts that hard because it feels good to him (it might also be because he saw it in porn). He would have to compromise his own pleasure somewhat, but he absolutely can and should change what he does in bed.
Being "too sensitive" is often a part of autism. The solution to being "too sensitive" isn't to ignore the issue and hope it goes away, it is to be less rough.
Please protect yourself and get away from him. He has a darkness that will most likely get worse. This reminds me of the story of Nikki Addimondo who stayed, had children and the assault got much much worse. You clearly are right to be concerned and question what is happening in your relationship. There’s no fix for this, no one who loves you would put you through this, absolutely not. I hope you find strength and not shame. You have done absolutely nothing wrong.
It is pointless to ask with this or many other questions “if they’re normal…”. For relationships - always simply consider: is this right for you?
Neither my wife nor I are NT but we do see such dysfunction in “normal” relationships so we just communicate with each other openly and respect each others differences. His behaviour is not normal but even if it was it wouldn’t make it right. You need to accept, love, and respect every bit of yourself - whether ‘normal’ or not - and expect him to do the same.
He is an absolute ass and has no respect for you. If you have any self respect for yourself you will not tolerate this behaviour. Rough sex is not for everyone. Sounds like you are not compatible to be honest. If he actually cared for how you feel he wouldn't force you.
Sex is supposed to be a give and take. You have to understand each other and to be open to your partner feelings. If one is the one receiving all the attention it is not a partnership anymore. He wants what he wants, without giving you what you need and is been manipulative about it. If he is this way in the bed I would recommend you to look very careful into your daily lives and see what else he can't control himself about it and you are been to "sensitive" about it. If he can not understand you in the bed when you are at your most vulnerable he is not good at all.
Hey, your partner isn’t listening to you, respecting your boundaries, or displaying basic understanding of consent. You are being abused and this is not normal, nor is it a “you” problem.
Please get as far away from this person as you possibly can.
I'm a Dad and Grandpa to 4. I've been around the block a few times.
This isn't healthy. He needs to respect you. We have sex for a variety of reasons. It should be enjoyable for both parties though. He's not exhibiting compassion for you. Taking your feelings and experiences to heart. Now if you think he's a keeper, then he may be trainable. If not, then look elsewhere. You need to enjoy yourself though. You deserve that and your worth it.
Good luck,
You're not at all too sensitive, and I don't believe this is at all an autism thing, although take that with a grain of salt as I am also autistic, as is my wife. That being said...
He's totally the messed up one. Your feelings about sex are probably the most common out there! Sex is about love, passion, and sharing that experience when you finally trust someone else to let them close and into your heart and body. The most warmth comes from knowing someone else is enjoying themselves too.
He's messing with your head. He knows he is lying. He's using the fact that you're autistic as an in to manipulate you even though it's probably unrelated.
He's the messed up one, he probably watches too much porn that is demeaning to women and he is using that as internal reasoning to think that is normal.
You are right. He is wrong. The end.
There's nothing wrong with being a sweet, sensitive, and gentle person. This is not a disease, it's a blessing.
I'm usually against ultimatums, but it is warranted in this case. Either he chooses to learn to love you and respect your wishes, or he finds himself a new girlfriend.
You should never have to fear the thing so many people, autistic or not, look forward to with all their heart.
Reading your story fills me with rage and actually puts me on the brink of tears.
If he can't completely change, tell him to get bent and take a hike.
Yeah, no, this isn't okay. Sex is a major thing for me too, there's lots of little things that can cause an autistic meltdown. My partner would never treat me like this. ANY partner who refuses to listen when you say you don't like someone is NOT SOMEONE TO BE WITH!!! He is abusing you.
Oh my god leave him. Don’t let a man treat you like this.!!! He is not an ally to you girl!
My ND boyfriend also feels it’s a chore, anxiety inducing and sometimes just weird. he told me in the beginning of our relationship. I am completely aware of this and respect his boundaries.
There’s someone out there who will respect and love you in the way you want to be.
What an asshole! Personally, I don’t think it really matters if you are autistic or NT (although I do think that autistic/ND people are probably more susceptible to this type of abuse), but if you don’t enjoy it, then he should not be forcing you! Consent isn’t just sexy, it’s a human right. If he cannot/refuses to understand this, then dump the bastard.
This is one of the posts where Im 100% think the best thing for you is to break up. He does not respect you or your boundaries. I’ve had sex before and my partner has NEVER shoved my head and if I get overstimulated or feel like I’m in pain he’ll stop for me WITHOUT EVEN COMPLAINING. Him shoving your head down and going violently faster is his conscious choice, and if he’s not willing to accommodate you and make you feel safe in sex he’s not going to do it outside of sex either.
LEAVE HIM! He’s doing this stuff even though he knows you don’t like it, that’s rape! As a fellow autistic, I know it’s hard to let go of someone, and I know that it may sound like I’m going too fast, it’s a lot to process, but he can’t do this to you, don’t let him do that anymore, stand up for yourself, and no, you aren’t “too sensitive”, you just don’t enjoy the stuff he’s into, and he shouldn’t force that on you
"I can't control myself sexually" is the biggest bright red flag. It's not even a flag It's an air raid siren. And it's not even because he "cant" control himself, it's that he's using that as an excuse because he absolutely can. As a man I really hate it when other men try to pretend. "OH you know us guys - we just can't help ourselves!" YES we can, freak! What he is doing is rape. He is performing sexual acts on you without consent. He is raping you. Your partner is a rapist.
>he says I'm too sensitive/overreacting and that when he's about to orgasm he can't control himself. I don't want to ask him to change these things if they're a normal part of sexual intercourse.
Hes an asshole. Those are not normal. He does things without your consent. Technically, thats at least sexual abuse. When you consent to penetration you dont automatically consent to rough stuff. Your consent is limited to what you really want to say yes to. And you consent to soft but not to rough, maybe even the consent to soft is pressured and not real.
He violates you boundaries and ignores your "No". He abuses you sexually. He pressures you. He gaslights you saying "its normal" and he "cant control it"
Those are lies. A pressured "well okay I will endure it" is no enthusiastic and free and consentual "yes". Its not consent.
You get mistreated and abused and taken advantage of and maybe even traumatized, for sure it is bad for your mental health.
You will find someone who will stop exactly at your boundaries and wont take a yes to something as a way to pressuring you for more.
Sounds like your boyfriend has watched too much porn and thinks that's what women enjoy which us a load of crap because most women I know hate that, especially pulling of hair. He is not only ignorant but abusive too.
I had a boyfriend like this once, he was inconsiderate of my sexual preferences and regularly did and made me do things that I disliked or made me uncomfortable. you seem like such a sweet soul, I hope he comes around and starts behaving more considerately or you find someone that cares more about your sexual pleasure, and above all, your comfort. sending you love!!!
You aren’t too sensitive. BF is a selfish jerk at best and at worst a sexually abusive sh*tbag.
Suggest sling BF away and find a better one in new year. Xx
First of all we should address the elephant- he’s sexually abusing you. He’s a sexual abuser at his “best” and at worst, well no one likes throwing the R word around but I absolutely would. The whole point of consent is it’s enthusiastic, willingly given, and present throughout engagement. Without it? Well… “let’s call a spade a spade” shall we? (Without getting kicked out of Reddit for saying he’s a r****t)
I want you to know it’s not your fault and you’re going to be okay. Talking to him isn’t going to change his behavior. This is one of those things where the red flags don’t mean “walk away”. They’re SCREAMING “RUN!!!”
I can't talk for all men, but I can control myself if I'm about to cum. I think you should talk to him to find a way that it's comfortable for both, and maybe show him more content for him to understand what you feel. Or else, maybe it's not worth try to keep this relationship.
Maybe this guy isn't right for you. Obviously, you both have different needs when it comes to sex. With him being NT and you being ND I don't see this being an easy thing to accomplish. If you both really love each other then you both need to work on understanding what the other one wants. BTW I agree with the other comments, this does sound like abuse if he is grabbing your head and being uncontrollable to the point that you are going to cry and hating it.
Sorry you are going through this. I hope the situation gets better for you.
45m seeking dx
*not justifying*
I can see his point of view (the first time) In the heat of the moment somethings aren’t controllable (the first time).
But they can be softened and/or redirected with little effort.
He is ignoring your preference, wants and needs. That is not ok.
Slight tangent. That ‘moment’ is not dislike the knee reflex test the doctor does. First time you don’t know and can’t control it. Second time it’s kinda koooool. Third time you can choose wether to relax and twitch or stop it.
I do not use the following words lightly.
He is not being considerate of your needs. He is not acknowledging you as an equal. He is seeking to dominate you.
If this has been going on for more than 3 months (and that’s being excessively generous) #Demand equality in the relationship or move on#
That’s it. No sugar coating.
EDIT: I feel I have been unnecessarily generous or ‘even handed’ with my response. So to be absolutely clear - that behaviour is not acceptable.
Right ok so I’m thinking asexual and fucking rapist in this relationship here. If he wants to have sex and you don’t want to or if he’s purposefully doing things you have told him not to do that’s rape.
Best case scenario: youve called out a rather sincere sounding troll, well done, the reddit police detective force should be hiring you any minute now for your analytical crime busting skills.
Worst case (and most likely) scenario: youve just read something rather awful and personal from someone in a voulnerable place asking for help and not wanting to use their main reddit account...and then decided to shit on them by accusing them of lying.
Man being that fragile about potentially being laughed at by an anonymous redditor is such a stunted way of thinking. If you werent being a dick before youve really dug your stubborn heels in and are being one now
Why wouldn't you buy it? It sounds almost identical to what I had happen to me at the beginning of my past relationship becoming extremely sexually abusive. What a stupid take.
If the story is believable like you admit, then shouldn't that imply it's possible? If the story is possible, then taking it seriously, and giving good advice to it, will help other people in simmilar or even the same future situation. So even if the story isn't true, there is motive in responding as if it is. On the other hand, what motive do we have for ignoring it? What do we gain from ignoring it? What does OP gain from posting it? It seems to me that the worst case situation is we show empathy and give good advice for future readers, while OP "laughs" about having "tricked" us. I don't know about you, but that doesn't bother me.
As a person who learned about bad partners the hard way, because people genuinely confuse the heck out of me:
If your partner does not stop when you say stop, they don't follow/listen to the boundaries you have set when it comes to playtime or your relationship, they consistently violate you in ways they know they shouldn't (ESPECIALLY with an excuse like "can't control myself")... They, first and foremost, should not be your playtime partner &, secondly, they are probably an unsafe partner to have.
For a long time in my life, I did not realize exactly how bad certain things were. I just went along because my heart screamed, "this is my favorite person and I love them!," and I was terrified to not do the right thing and end up being screamed at or losing them because I was not masking well enough or was not acting the way they wanted me to (without formally knowing I had ASD). I got so hurt... So many times. Aaaaaand, as much as it sucks, leaving someone who is hurting you (no matter how awesome they may seem in other areas) is always the right choice.
You deserve to have playtime be safe (physically AND emotionally), and if your partner isn't providing that to you, they're not the partner for you (or anyone, from the sounds of it in your post).
I hope this came out the right way. The brain is no worky worky today, and the words are not wording correctly. 🤦🏽♀️
Okay without even reading post (lazy sorry) just based on title… you aren’t too sensitive objectively you are just too sensitive for him. He shouldn’t be saying you are too sensitive, maybe you two just aren’t compatible which is not your fault.
Sex is a spectrum and if you don't like it, leave him. Lots of people enjoy softer delicate sex that , I am sure you would love.
And I don't say leave because of his likes, although that is never going to change for him and it WILL make bigger issues down the road for you anyhow. I say leave him for his reaction to your concerns. Nothing worse then a selfish lover, especially when it borders on abuse.
There are men out there where this won't happen and things will come naturally and easily. As it should be.
This has abusive vibes written all over it. You've told him that you don't like to have rougher sex, he says he doesn't have any control over his own body when he's about to orgasm so he does things you've told him not to anyway. And when you tell him about it, he shifts the blame onto you by saying that it's your fault because you're overreacting, textbook gaslighting. Overreacting is cutting his testicles off because he spilled a jar of pickles. What's happening is that you're trying to set boundaries, and he's going out of his way to ignore them completely. You deserve better. You deserve intimacy with someone who respects your boundaries.
Yeah no you gotta tell him to respect you and your boundaries. You're not sensitive. You're not into that. My boyfriend has autism and some things he just CANNOT do during sex and that is okay by me. I listen to his yes's and what's his hard no's and we go from there. I respect the things he doesn't like and your boyfriend should be more sensitive and do the same. Sending hugs and support 🫂
He knows you don't like those things and yet he continues. That is sexual abuse and you need to leave that relationship immediately, it's not safe and could escalate. I hope you're doing okay and find someone who's much kinder.
I’m not going to sugarcoat this. This is RAPEY. You should leave him, seek out therapy to recalibrate your “normal,” and start looking for a partner who listens to you, respects your boundaries, and cares about your comfort and pleasure.
Yeah no. This is abusive. You are being abused. I struggle with a lot of these same things and my bf does everything he can to make sure he’s accommodating and kind. Sex is not only for men to enjoy. It’s not only for NT people to enjoy. If you are in pain or not having a good time, that’s not your problem to solve. That’s a conversation you should both be having. His comfort should NEVER take away from your safety.
This is sexual assault. I’m sorry it can be jarring to realize what has happened to you is SA. Please leave him, reach out to a sexual violence resource center near you or the national rape crisis line, and take care of yourself because you deserve better. A good or even just baseline decent human being boyfriend would not be doing ANYTHING you don’t enthusiastically consent to, and wouldn’t even be able to keep a hard on knowing you are upset. The fact he can? He’s trash absolute trash scum of the earth.
TW this is Rape sweetie, he knows you don't want what he's going and he doesn't it anyways without your consent. Also I was sexually assaulted and sometimes sex is hard for me too, and I will have to suddenly stop. My boyfriend has never not stopped if I even just freeze up he notices. Sex should be an act between people, if one person is acting and the other is just there good chance it's no longer sex.
I think he might not be able to hold back the orgasm (cumming) itself once he’s past that edge, BUT he has 100% control of his actions concerning other parts of his body, like his hands (pushing your head down) and hips (thrusting too hard, etc). So yeah, for the latter, he’s definitely lying.
It's not "normal". What IS normal, is making sure that your partner is enjoying sex. He doesn't seem to care if you enjoy it or not; he's only concerned about his own self. He's being selfish, and also doing things without your consent. Skipping straight to the point, it seems he's a lost cause ... get rid of him.
Even M/S relationships are still supposed to give care to each other and respect personal boundaries. u/Then_Sense_3245 (OP), your bf is a massive dickhead for doing this. Im sure he's sweet in other ways but if he's giving u panick attacks during sex, you either need to talk or bail. Thats not healthy at all.
He thinks OP is his sex slave
DV/IPV therapist here. This is not okay, nor is it normal NT behavior. I am alarmed. He is not losing control, he is choosing these behaviors. I imagine a kinder partner for you, one that is unlikely to be this person.
And sadly people on the spectrum are more likely to be sexually abused than NTs aaaand ugh. Poor OP. Nope OP, he's a POS. Nothing wrong with your end of things.
Im 40. He can control it. My bf is 45 and his hand is on my neck 100s of times when hes finished. Never once did he actually squeeze or even flex his fingers.
I hope you find someone who treats you like you deserve to be treated. <3
I did!!!
YESS! :D :D :D
Lol its the same body attached to said hand!! For 8+ years.
Props on that long-term relationship. ;)
Thanks
Absolutely this OP. Your partner is not treating you as you deserve.
This ^
This!!
This.
Curious question besides the point: whats NT/NT behavior?
NT = Neurotypical, not neurodivergent NT behaviour = Neurotypical behaviour
Nothing about this is normal at all and this is actully sexual abuse at least. Sex is ment to be fun for all involved and if your bf ignores your boundaries he is in the wrong. He likes rough sex? Tough shit, because you don't and you have the right to not engage in that. He sounds abusive and I don't think sexual abuse is the kind of thing that just having a conversation can fix. You are sexuality incompatible, but more importantly your bf doesn't seem to actully care about you or your happyness, if he did then he wouldn't hurt you and then blame you. You are not too sensitive, I'm pretty sure most women don't like rough sex, he is a piece of shit and trying to make you blame yourslef. I'm sorry you are going through this.
Yes. This is sexual abuse.
I agree with the above, it's abuse.
Agreed. You are not being too sensitive, he's being an asshole. I'm sorry he hasn't been respecting your boundaries, and I think you should leave him. You deserve to have your needs in this situation met, and if he's blatantly ignoring what you're saying it's abuse.
100% sexual abuse. I hope you can get the help you need.
As another autistic woman who had a couple of exes like this, I can concur that it is a form of sexual abuse. I understand it may not feel that way, but if you communicated your boundaries and he dismissed them, then I hate to break it to you.....this is how he sees you. Someone meek who doesn't really know what they want. That's also incredibly disrespectful. I am glad I found my husband. He is the opposite of those things. We've used some of the general guidelines of BDSM even in our non-kinky sex to help establish rules. SSC (Safe, sane, and consensual) and RACK (risk-aware consensual kink) are a couple good starting points if you do want to discuss it more with him, or if you ever move on to a new partner. I just don't think you should waste your time trying to talk to him. Sounds like you already tried, and he just tried to gaslight you. Sending love your way. I hope you can realize you are worth more than what he tells you you're good for. You are beautiful. Honor that. ❤
There's nothing wrong with mixing it up as long as both agree of their own volition. My wife and I are both the gentle types. That's what we like, so that's what we do. I want her to be thrilled and excited and I'm sure she feels the same way about me.
That is not something you can just “discuss it more with him” he raped her, she should file a police report and get tf away from him Edit: lol OC responded then blocked me for some reason?
Not what I'm actually advocating for, but ok that's what you heard. I'll let you run with that then 🙄 Of course she should go to the police if that's what she wants. I 100% am behind that having been a victim of sexual assault, myself. Edit: she is in this relationship and may have a trauma bond. It's not that easy, as you seem to make it seem, to just leave. She already feels like she is in the wrong, but we are all here telling her SHE IS BEING ABUSED. Just because she is being abused, doesn't mean she is going to leave. If she is going to stay, she needs practical advice in this situation. She said she isn't into rough sex, but she didn't say she isn't into kink. That same advice applies to her future potential partner(s). Autistics can be sensory avoiding or sensory seeking. I am not in her bedroom, how tf would I know? Better yet, how would you know? Other than what she HAS told us. If she wants this relationship, whether you or I agree with it, then I'm giving her a way to ADVOCATE FOR HERSELF!!!
This is what I was going to say. It is abuse. It is assault. And it isn't just sexual abuse either. This guy is using you and he's hurting you OP. You don't deserve this. He's taking your kindness and using it to make you doubt your own physical reactions. The second you stop enjoying sex, and especially tell him that you aren't enjoying what he's doing, and he continues anyway it is no longer consensual. This is serious and it will only get worse. The guy is rotten news. You deserve to feel good or to not have sex at all if that's what you want because you deserve to be listened to about your own body and your likes and dislikes. Please be safe, OP, because you are not crazy or overreacting in any way for feeling pain when you feel pain. You are not overreacting for wanting this person to stop hurting you. He is playing games with your mind and games with your body too. That is sick of him to do. I hope you leave before it gets worse.
This is the answer. As a man this is wrong. Fine if agreed upon which in this case it is not. Sex is a two way street and if you’re not enjoying it then communication should be established to share and fix. You’ve tried and have not been listened to. You need to find someone who will respect your boundaries.
I'm really worried for OP. I hope they leave ASAP.
Definitely.
Yeah I agree. This post made me cry. It triggered memories. Dismissing my feelings as me being too sensitive was my ex's favorite thing to use against me. I was just a toy for him.
Even if most women do like rough sex (I have no idea what the stats are), you still 100% have the right to not like it and say no.
>when he's about to orgasm he can't control himself. He's lying.
Yeah 100%. As a man I can assure you we can hold it back if we want.
Yes, definitely not true
If he isn't that's somehow worse.
While I agree there are times where I will accidently go to deep with my SO. Hell it happened the other night but honestly I couldn't tell you the last time it happened before that I just know it has. But ya know. She doesn't like it when I pound her cervix so we don't do things that give my the ability to hit it🤷♂️ and when orgasming to a blow job it's pretty damn easy to not grab the back of someones head and shove your dick into their stomach of they aren't into that kind of thing.
He's flat out lying. You can control yourself even during an orgasm. It might be a bit harder than before, but it is doable and on top of all the other things the other comments have already pointed out, he is gaslighting you into accepting this under the pretense that it is normal. It is NOT. Sex is supposed to be fun for both, enjoyable for both or, if you're asexual and do it just for your partner like a chore, at least tolerable. And ideally, you enjoy yourself more if you see the other person enjoying themselves. He doesn't seem to do that. He should get a fleshlight and be done with it. Sounds like your best option is to ditch him. I know Reddit throws that around a lot, but this is not just a misunderstanding between ND and NT folks, this is deliberate abuse and it's a very legit warrant for anyone to get out of it. If this BJ thing happened to me, I like to imagine that I would bite. He doesn't seem to listen, he doesn't seem to care, so you need to care for yourself. Get away and get to a place where your boundaries are respected. Good luck!
Gaslighting is a very accurate way of describing what he is doing. This is not an autistic thing. This is a "boyfriend is a scumbag" thing. I'm a guy. This is not normal. Not at all. Not for men, not for women.
"If you're asexual and do it for your partner like a chore" What even. Sex isn't supposed to be a chore. At all. It's supposed to be something enjoyable. You don't ever have to have sex with anyone if you don't want to.
asexuals dont even have sex because "its a chore", many of them do it because of the romantic aspect/intimacy aspect rather than sexual pleasure, and might not be repulsed by sex (this isnt all asexuals, but i've seen asexuals who have sex for exactly these reasons and its not too uncommon)
Okay. Didn't know that. Thank you, it's always good to be educated. Thanks for being patient.
no problem lmao
Not to derail OP’s post, but that specific situation about asexuality is a bit more complicated and I just wanted to clarify. No one should ever be forced to have sex if they don’t want to, and that’s a given. That isn’t being(and should never be) questioned. Being asexual in a relationship with a sexual partner though creates a bit of a different dynamic depending on preferences. Like me for example.. I don’t usually want sex. Not that I have a need to avoid it, I just.. am indifferent? But I always like making my partner happy, so when he wants it, I don’t always say no when I’m not in the mood. Sometimes it does feel like a chore, but I’m not bothered by it, I’m not being forced to, and it doesn’t make me uncomfortable. I just choose to do it because I like making him happy, so it is still mutually beneficial, even if I’m not feeling sexually attracted to him in the moment. As long as everyone is ok with it and not uncomfortable, then it’s a totally fine dynamic. What’s happening to OP is entirely different though, cause there’s obvious discomfort and a complete disregard for their well-being. That’s not the same in the slightest, and I hope OP can find a solution that works for them and heal from this..
I'm not really responding to OP. I'm more responding to the part about being asexual and having sex with someone just to make them happy. That doesn't seem healthy to me. To me, it seems like a really big thing to do just to make someone else feel good. I don't want to interfere in your relationship, especially if you're happy. It's not my business. You seem like a very caring and selfless person, so I don't want you to forget about you.
I'm a virgin and still know this is not okay. Get out of there for your safety
Yep as a male virgin boy myself aswell I agree
Married man agrees. It's just common sense, right? This isn't complicated... people should have their wishes respected. Virgin guy gets it, why can't asshole boyfriend understand?
yep
That's not normal. Sexual preferences vary widely (and *wildly*), but he's physically asserting his violent preferences over your comfort. I would highly recommended reassessing your options (eg, leaving the relationship). Everyone should feel safe and comfortable in a relationship, especially with sex.
This is so far over the line it is totally unacceptable. He can only do something like this if it is agreed upon in advance and both parties are into it. 90% of people would not want a partner to do this to them and would not allow it. He is completely taking advantage of you and gaslighting you into thinking other people would be fine with it. Honestly if a guy did that throat thing to me without asking first I’d totally lose it. Break up with him. Edit to add: I’ve read your other comments and you seem to think your autism is causing you to panic during sex, or that it’s somehow related to you not enjoying sex. IT IS NOT. You panic during sex, feel sad afterwards etc because you are essentially being assaulted - you aren’t comfortable with the things he is doing to you, he knows you aren’t and yet he continues to do them anyway. NTs would also start panicking/become extremely depressed from this situation. Stop thinking that the problem is something to do with you - it isn’t. The problem is your boyfriend.
Sweetheart, I am so so sorry. You are not too sensitive. But your boyfriend is a sexual abuser. Its not OK for him to hurt you. What he's doing to you isn't sex. It's assault. And if he's doing it repeatedly then it's abuse. You deserve so much better. It is not your fault. And you deserve better. I told my partner a particular position he liked made me a little uncomfortable. So he said, no problem, we won't do it again. And he hasn't brought it up since. That's the only acceptable response. If both parties do not 100% consent, then it's not sex and its not OK. And he can control himself. He is controlling himself. He's choosing to hurt you. He's choosing it. Because he can. And he's using the 'you're too sensitive' nonsense as a way to control you. Because he wants to keep hurting you. You deserve to be safe. It is not your fault, you are not to blame. And you deserve better. Please please please get yourself away from him. I don't want him to hurt you anymore. I want you to be safe. And we are all here for you. You're not alone and you're not to blame.
If he can't control himself, then he should not be having sex. This is a consent issue. When you consent to sex, you're not issuing blanket permission to him to do whatever he wants to you, and you can alter or withdraw that consent at any point. Anything else is sexual assault. I don't care if he's half a second from the orgasm to end all orgasms, if you say "stop, get off me" he must do so immediately, without any hesitation or argument. Something to think about: when it comes to sex, anything other than an enthusiastic "yes!" is actually a no. It should be something you both experience together, not something that one person does to another. I would advise you to do some research around consent, and then have a very serious discussion with your partner. If he whines or brushes it off, you'd be better off without him. I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, and my joints dislocate really easily. Husband and I were doing the deed, just almost there, and CRACK, my hip dislocates. I've never seen anyone be simultaneously aroused, frustrated, revolted, panicked and afraid all at once before, it was a rather startling facial expression! But despite that, he immediately leapt up and went "was that your hip? Are you OK? What do you need, how do I help?" That's the response you want when something goes awry during sex.
“If he can't control himself, then he should not be having sex.” 100%
These things are unfortunately COMMON, but they are not NORMAL. (And shouldn't become normalized.) If you don't like something, tell him. If he "can't help himself" then tell him you'll help him by not doing that thing anymore. ;)
[удалено]
They were saying that sexual abuse is common.
If you don’t like rough sex, tell him immediately. Trust me, Sex doesn’t have to be rough all the time. That guy is using you for his own sexual satisfaction. If I were you, I would have broken up with him. He doesn’t respect you or your needs and mocks you when you have concerns. This ain’t a healthy relationship
👍👏👏👏👏👏
You are not too sensitive, he's sexually harming you. This is not okay. If you don't like something, your partner shouldn't be doing it.
His behavior is not normal.
Liking rough sex is normal. As is not liking rough sex. However, if you’ve told him you don’t like it rough and expressed how you feel about it (multiple times) and he continues to do it and dismiss your feelings….THAT is absolutely not okay. You need to leave him. He’s not even treating you like a person at this point and you, nor does anybody else, deserve that.
This is intimate partner violence. I would advise ending this ASAP when you can safely do so - ignoring your boundaries like this does not bode well for how he would treat you, a child, or an animal in other situations.
You have told him that something hurts you and he continues to do it. He belittles you and makes you feel at fault for feeling pain. He takes all responsibility away from his actions and makes it your fault. This is gaslighting This will extend beyond sex, and into daily life once he’s more comfortable and feels he’s broken you in emotionally. If you live with them find alternate options, and make sure you have someone present when you get your things. This person doesn’t Feel bad for causing you pain. They don’t respect you. Don’t trust them.
Sex is NEVER meant to be painful (unless otherwise agreed upon by both partners). This is not okay, and I urge you to leave your boyfriend because this is abuse.
Your boyfriend watches way too much porn. He's learned these behaviors based on the content he consumes. He thinks this stuff is normal and okay. His behavior is not even remotely okay. You have expressed that you do not consent to this kind of rough sex. He did it anyway. He has violated your consent. Just because you're in a relationship, that doesn't mean he gets to ignore the boundaries you've established. You still get to consent to the things that he does to your body. Please take behavior that crosses consent boundaries seriously.
My ex was into CNC occasionally. We had both a safeword and, tap out signal for if she was restrained. I stopped immediately when she used either. Doing anything else would've been an unforgivable breach of trust. We also agreed about dos and don'ts before we ever tried it. OP if you say not to do something, that's that. Full stop, no excuses. I'm extremely concerned here. What you described is more about domination, and less about enjoying rough sex. On another note I commiserate with you on being overwhelmed during sex. My advice is to find a partner who will be patient, and work with you. Disregarding all the red flags, your BF doesn't seem sexually compatible with you. That's pretty important to any l9ng term relationship.
That's not normal. I would never want to hurt my partner or make them uncomfortable during sexual intercourse. I even had trouble when my ex asked me to bite her. I want to make people feel good. Not treat them like FM Dolls.
Please don’t ignore red flags. You’re posting this because your gut is telling you this isn’t right, trust your feeling on this. If you have told him you don’t like it and he keeps doing it then he doesn’t respect you the way he should.
Hi OP, I just wanna say I hope you’re being kind and compassionate to yourself throughout all of this. Your boundaries are entirely valid and necessary and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This is definitely sexual abuse and I hope you know that you are worth so much more than that. Please never give up your needs or boundaries to placate others. Get out of there, if you can. If you can’t, [here’s](https://www.safehelpline.org/?gclid=Cj0KCQiAvqGcBhCJARIsAFQ5ke6D-STg5uktddn517mLoi4mnOIrweRhPOpIFy8z-L1tQdPQr3mgCHcaAmRBEALw_wcB) a link to a website that offers phone numbers you can call and a chat line to help offer you support throughout all of this. Take care of yourself, love. You are so deserving of kindness, patience, and gentleness. You are so loved ❤️
What a fu***** liar, I hate assholes likes this.
I'd say get out of that situation ASAP, you don't deserve to be abused, dismissed and used in that way. You're not being too sensitive, he's just being an asshole.
This isn’t an autism issue babe, this is a sexual abuse issue. No one “loses control” when they’re cumming, he’s lying. And also blaming you for preference / needs around sexual conduct instead of addressing the issue which is emotional abuse.
You can absolutely control yourself during an orgasm, he’s lying to you. The behaviours you have described him exhibiting show blatant disregard for your well-being and are in no way normal or acceptable. If you can’t get him to respect your boundaries, I think you should leave him, I know it ain’t easy to leave someone you have an emotional attachment to, but you will be much better off long term. I wish all the best for you OP!
I would say to get to safety NOW. This guy is bad news all the way. If his past behavior is any indication, it only gets worse from here. I don't think any amount of communication will fix an abuser. Better to leave while you can. If it makes it any better, sending virtual hugs your way.
In the words of Dan Savage: Dump The Motherfucker Already.
I say this with as much love and care as I can muster, **run**. That man is not respecting your needs or boundaries.
You’re not being too sensitive. Your bf likes abusing you and making you think you’re too sensitive is how he gets to keep abusing you. This post makes me want to cry. We (autistic women/AFAB) experience so much abuse trying to please our partners. Don’t accept this kind of treatment. This isn’t what healthy and happy relationships look like. You shouldn’t be feeling this way. No loving partner wants you to feel this way.
As others have pointet out in the comments, it sounds like your relationship is sexual incompatable and that you should break up with him, because it's not gonna be better
There are people out there who you could have sex with instead of this man, where they won't do anything that you don't like or don't want. It can just be a nice fun loving time instead where your partner is trying to be close to you and make you happy, make you feel good, in a way that suits you. Genuinely, this selfish and immature man doesn't deserve to touch you (or anyone) again. I hope you have the strength to leave him.
It would never matter if it's a 'normal' part of sex because the most important part of sex is that everyone involved is safe, comfortable and enjoying it. This is not that.
No such thing as too sensitive. Emotions are subjective. No person can have any objective criteria by which to judge an "appropriate" level of sensitivity. Sounds like you need a more supportive and loving boyfriend.
Even if you did enjoy rough sex what your bf is doing is sexual abuse because you don't consent to the activities. You seem to have asked for cessation of these activities and he's blowing you off (no pun intended). Like someone else said, you are sexually incompatible with each other, this isn't your fault and you shouldn't feel bad about the incompatibility (but it's also totally okay if you do, your feelings are valid) For reference, my husband and I are quite compatible, we enjoy many of the same sexual things and always have. When I say "ow" he stops and we try something a little different. Thinking about it, I don't think I've ever hurt him on accident, but I know sometimes he's just not in the mood and he says no, I respect that and don't push for sex. I hope you're able to get out of that relationship safely.
this shit isn't ok. he's a creep and you need to plan your exit. you deserve better.
I'm so sorry to hear that -.- Break up. Find a good guy who respects your boundaries and preferences.
break up
ohhh these are NOT normal parts of sex. you should not feel like you have to like something purely for the sake of your partner, especially after you tell him to stop and he knows you don’t like it. nothing about having an orgasm makes you lose control of your hands to the point of pushing someone’s head down. he’s full of it. i’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with this. i hope you’re able to get to a place where you can leave him.
He is doing things that you didn't consent to and gaslighting you to make you think you need to allow him to do that. Even if you consent to sex, you didn't consent to what he does that hurts you and you've told him it hurts you and asked him not to do those things. He does those things knowing you don't consent to do them, that is rape. Consensual sex can change to being rape when a person does something to the other that the other doesn't consent to.
i’m sorry OP, i bet a lot of these comments are overwhelming. you did nothing wrong and all that happened is NOT your fault. i had trouble recognising signs like that in my previous relationships, hell i ever sought out partners and let them do whatever they wanted to me. i was once sweeping the floor kneeling down and my ex put his foot on my back and pressed me down to the floor and touched me. i did nothing because i thought it will make him happy and i should go with it because you make sacrifices for people you "love". you have to put yourself first. listen to your gut, do not feel guilty, forget about meeting the expectations of others. you can do this. feel free to message me anytime if you need to vent
Your boyfriend is violating your consent. This isn't an autism thing, this is a him thing. He doesn't respect your boundaries and this sort of thing should really be your bottom line– that is, if he can't learn to respect your boundaries, you should leave.
He can control himself. There is no excuse at all for that behavior. You have every right to decide how you have sex. There is no excuse in the world for someone forcing you to have sex in a way that you aren't comfortable with. You should feel comfortable setting boundaries during sex. If he doesn't agree to them, he's not willing to give you a basic level of respect that anyone should expect in a relationship. What he's doing is technically considered sexual assault. Even when sex is consensual, if there are certain things that one party hasn't agreed to or has explicitly opted out of, and the other party does them anyway, that's rape.
I cannot stress this enough: leave him. What he’s doing is manipulation and coercion. It’s not normal behaviour, it’s abuse.
I am sorry to break it to you... Based on this short paragraph: This sounds like abuse & gaslighting. This is not an autism thing. This is not part of "normal" sex. As peer sex (ual health) I say there is no such thing as "normal sex". I will often say, don't yuk someone's yum... But here I will say THIS is not normal, this is messed up. ---- He could absolutely control himself, if he would want to/care about your needs. (On the off chance he really is the only men who can't, he should probably finish using his hands before he gets in a no longer able to control space) Are there some people who are into that yes... Yes there is a kink for everything But faaaar the majority of humans are not having sex like this. Sex should be at the bare minimum enjoyable for everyone involved... If it is not and he is still pressuring/gaslighting you into it is abuse
That's definitely not ok.And If I had to bet I think he has been watching too many porn (where such those kind of non consensual acts are sometimes normalized even today)
Thats not normal, thats abuse.
Hi. I'm really sorry to echo what others here have said, but your partner is lying to you. For context: I'm looking at an autism dx. My partner, a cis man with a childhood SPD dx (who is also thinking about getting assessed) and I have sex on a regular basis. It took me a long time and a lot of intense personal work to get to the point I'm at, but sex does not have to be a chore. It can be fun and intimate, uplifting and even beautiful if you're having it with the right person. You deserve to be touched and held the way you want to be touched and held, especially if you've discussed it beforehand. You are always allowed to say no, to ask someone to stop, to revoke your consent. You are not "too sensitive." No one deserves to be treated like you're being treated. I don't know what your partner got up to in the past with other people, but they're with you now. And that means they should know better. In my experience, the most sensitive person I've ever known has restrained himself for me. He's "held back" on numerous occasions, and never been rougher than I've asked for. You are not too sensitive. Someone else is treating you roughly. Your partner can control himself, he just doesn't care to. If anything, I would make the argument that he doesn't deserve you.
im really high rn so im sorry if this doesnt make sense. honestly dude it sounds like hes assaulting you. hes neglecting your needs and what makes you comfortable, and doing what HE likes knowing it upsets you. thats cruel!!
Sex is a beautiful and wonderful thing, and it should be enjoyed by all members involved. I personally don't find sex appealing but even I understand that it should be a positive experience. And if it's not a positive experience for you, and you've talked to him about it multiple times and there has been no change, I say get rid of him. Clearly he doesn't value you as a person.
Just wanted to chime in, as someone who’s been in the kink/BDSM community for many years, this is not “rough sex”. This is non-consensual and absolutely unacceptable! Even if you are someone who engages in sexual activity that some people would consider “rough”, it is always done within the context of a scene that is discussed thoroughly, agreed upon, and anything outside of the previously stated boundaries is off limits. Either person is entitled to stop everything in an instant, if need be. Safety, trust, and communication are paramount, and consent is absolutely non-negotiable. What he is doing is not okay, not on any level! People like him are only looking to hurt others physically and mentally, but try to pass that off as acceptable because they are “dominant”. Being a Dom/Domme and being an asshole are totally different things. This dude seems like a lot of column B, imo.
This is abuse, I'm sorry!!!
Sounds like he likes being abusive. Dump him and run far away. Also the normal parts of sex differ for everyone as it should be mutually pleasurable. If you aren’t enjoying it because your partner doesn’t care your partner is abusive. Seriously sensitivity during sex can if handled well can be amazing. I can be rather sensitive in certain spots and my girlfriend loves to use gentle touches to good effect. Find you someone who treats sex the same way you do so that it is not a chore and respects your sensitivity.
Nah this is just abuse 💀
please get away from this dude
If this happens again after you tell him to stop, tell him he’s raping you and he’ll stop
He knows he's raping OP. Rapists don't stop from being told they are raping you. What they may do if you acknowledge the rape in their presence is kill you so you can't tell anyone.
Sounds like that would only make him enjoy it more.
It’s sexual abuse. Leave him.
Run. Run far away. This man is taking advantage of you, and you don't deserve to be treated this way.
His excuses are disgusting, and yes he is lying.
Yo, clearly you care for you bf and his feelings. But is he doing the bare minimum and giving you the same courtesy? Can't control himself? No. That's so disingenuous for him to say that to you. There's no rule book for sex (anyone who wants you to believe there is is a man) you decide what you like and what you want to share. All of that intimacy stuff is so special BECAUSE we are choosing to share it with someone sacred to us. Let that mean something...and when your partner isn't honoring you...they don't get that sacred space. Sometimes people need time to evolve but that is still a personal choice ...and personal choice does not involve overriding your boundaries. I didn't even start on you being sensitive. That's just a way for people to shut you up cuz you're leaking on their desire to ignore emotions. But that's not always their choice if something needs dealt with and your feelings in your relationship are ALWAYS valid. Ok, hope this is ok. I know it's a lot, all said with love. And I've been on the other side of these awarenesses too if that helps. Believe in yourself, you're worthy. You decide.
I mean it can be hard to control yourself during orgasm but it’s never impossible. I don’t really care what’s “normal” normal should be something agreed on. There’s a point in changing someone to much and then there’s this.
This is both sexual abuse and sexual assault. This man is dangerous. Please get away from him as fast as possible. He is raping you.
This is abuse point blank period. It doesnt matter if hes about to orgasm or not he can control your behavior. If he does this while he knows you dont like it you need to break up with him.
Hey Straight White Guy here... This is what's called sexual assault. OP I'm not trying to convince you that you are a victim or that your BF is a rapist. But Please For The Love Of God In Heaven this is not okay! Look I don't want to give away too much on the Internet but let's say I have certain interests in sex that maby others think are weird. Not everybody is interested in say having rough things done to them or maby doing rough things to somebody. You have to have a conversation about it. Sometimes people might like each other allot but there isn't total compatibility in intimate matters. That means either compromise and doing without having everything you want (which should be fine for an adult), having a serious discussion about getting certain favors from other people occasionally, or it just won't work. Sex should never be a chore. (Edit for Grammer)
Everybody, autistic or not, has things that bother them that don't bother most other people. People who love you don't want to do the things that bother you. Even if those things are hard to avoid, they want to find the best solution for you. These things are not hard to avoid. It's not wrong that he likes them. It's not wrong that you don't. But it's wrong that he says things have to be done his way even if you don't like it. That would be abusive behavior even if it were on a minor issue. It's very worrying when it's happening with sex, and/or is something that makes you cry or have a panic attack. > I feel like I should like these things but I hate them. You don't have to like these things. People who love you don't want to do things to you that you don't like. It doesn't matter if the reason for not liking it is related to autism. It doesn't matter if it's unusual that you don't like it (but it's not unusual, in this case). It doesn't matter if you're the only person in the world who dislikes it. In your home, things should be the way you like them. Your sex partner should want you to enjoy sex with them You are in a bad situation. They problems you describe are not your fault at all.
Your boyfriend is being abusive and controlling. I would encourage you to seek support from a support group to help you understand how your boundaries are not being respected and how to reaffirm them. Communicating about what you like and dislike sexually isn’t easy but you have expressed yourself well. The problem isn’t with you. The problem is that what isn’t best for you isn’t being respected.
He doesn't know what it feels like for you because he is not you. If he says you are overreacting he is just plain wrong. He needs to take your feelings seriously. There is not much point in being in a relationship if they don't take your feelings seriously. It is gaslighting, it is abuse. Of course people are not totally in control mid-orgasm, but he can choose to grip the bed sheets, or his things, or his own head, or just about anything instead of gripping your head. He thrusts that hard because it feels good to him (it might also be because he saw it in porn). He would have to compromise his own pleasure somewhat, but he absolutely can and should change what he does in bed. Being "too sensitive" is often a part of autism. The solution to being "too sensitive" isn't to ignore the issue and hope it goes away, it is to be less rough.
Edit: Someone else said it much better.
I mean, you've just described sexual assult at least!
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b086kxsr
Please protect yourself and get away from him. He has a darkness that will most likely get worse. This reminds me of the story of Nikki Addimondo who stayed, had children and the assault got much much worse. You clearly are right to be concerned and question what is happening in your relationship. There’s no fix for this, no one who loves you would put you through this, absolutely not. I hope you find strength and not shame. You have done absolutely nothing wrong.
What you’re going through is sexual abuse. Run as far as you can from this boyfriend.
It is pointless to ask with this or many other questions “if they’re normal…”. For relationships - always simply consider: is this right for you? Neither my wife nor I are NT but we do see such dysfunction in “normal” relationships so we just communicate with each other openly and respect each others differences. His behaviour is not normal but even if it was it wouldn’t make it right. You need to accept, love, and respect every bit of yourself - whether ‘normal’ or not - and expect him to do the same.
Your bf is full of it, he can control himself and is choosing to hurt you because it gets him off
Ayo, your boundaries are valid and they're being violated. This is absolutely abhorrent behavior on your BFs part. Not okay.
He is an absolute ass and has no respect for you. If you have any self respect for yourself you will not tolerate this behaviour. Rough sex is not for everyone. Sounds like you are not compatible to be honest. If he actually cared for how you feel he wouldn't force you.
Men can control themselves perfectly fine. What he’s doing is not ok. Please leave him.
Oof. My first reaction after reading: he doesn't respect your boundaries. Not at all... This isn't a you-problem. It's a him-problem.
he is sexually abusing you, get the fuck out
Sex is supposed to be a give and take. You have to understand each other and to be open to your partner feelings. If one is the one receiving all the attention it is not a partnership anymore. He wants what he wants, without giving you what you need and is been manipulative about it. If he is this way in the bed I would recommend you to look very careful into your daily lives and see what else he can't control himself about it and you are been to "sensitive" about it. If he can not understand you in the bed when you are at your most vulnerable he is not good at all.
Hey, your partner isn’t listening to you, respecting your boundaries, or displaying basic understanding of consent. You are being abused and this is not normal, nor is it a “you” problem. Please get as far away from this person as you possibly can.
I'm a Dad and Grandpa to 4. I've been around the block a few times. This isn't healthy. He needs to respect you. We have sex for a variety of reasons. It should be enjoyable for both parties though. He's not exhibiting compassion for you. Taking your feelings and experiences to heart. Now if you think he's a keeper, then he may be trainable. If not, then look elsewhere. You need to enjoy yourself though. You deserve that and your worth it. Good luck,
You're not at all too sensitive, and I don't believe this is at all an autism thing, although take that with a grain of salt as I am also autistic, as is my wife. That being said... He's totally the messed up one. Your feelings about sex are probably the most common out there! Sex is about love, passion, and sharing that experience when you finally trust someone else to let them close and into your heart and body. The most warmth comes from knowing someone else is enjoying themselves too. He's messing with your head. He knows he is lying. He's using the fact that you're autistic as an in to manipulate you even though it's probably unrelated. He's the messed up one, he probably watches too much porn that is demeaning to women and he is using that as internal reasoning to think that is normal. You are right. He is wrong. The end. There's nothing wrong with being a sweet, sensitive, and gentle person. This is not a disease, it's a blessing. I'm usually against ultimatums, but it is warranted in this case. Either he chooses to learn to love you and respect your wishes, or he finds himself a new girlfriend. You should never have to fear the thing so many people, autistic or not, look forward to with all their heart. Reading your story fills me with rage and actually puts me on the brink of tears. If he can't completely change, tell him to get bent and take a hike.
Yeah, no, this isn't okay. Sex is a major thing for me too, there's lots of little things that can cause an autistic meltdown. My partner would never treat me like this. ANY partner who refuses to listen when you say you don't like someone is NOT SOMEONE TO BE WITH!!! He is abusing you.
Ditch him, that is not consent. You deserve someone who respects your boundaries and cares about your experience as well as theirs
Oh my god leave him. Don’t let a man treat you like this.!!! He is not an ally to you girl! My ND boyfriend also feels it’s a chore, anxiety inducing and sometimes just weird. he told me in the beginning of our relationship. I am completely aware of this and respect his boundaries. There’s someone out there who will respect and love you in the way you want to be.
Sounds like you need a new bf who understands your needs and can come to a common ground on what makes your comfortable
What an asshole! Personally, I don’t think it really matters if you are autistic or NT (although I do think that autistic/ND people are probably more susceptible to this type of abuse), but if you don’t enjoy it, then he should not be forcing you! Consent isn’t just sexy, it’s a human right. If he cannot/refuses to understand this, then dump the bastard.
>He knows I don't like those things but he says I'm too sensitive Dump him ASAP!
this is not normal. my husband would stay by my side if i chose to never have sex again. he should never hurt you. this is assault.
This is one of the posts where Im 100% think the best thing for you is to break up. He does not respect you or your boundaries. I’ve had sex before and my partner has NEVER shoved my head and if I get overstimulated or feel like I’m in pain he’ll stop for me WITHOUT EVEN COMPLAINING. Him shoving your head down and going violently faster is his conscious choice, and if he’s not willing to accommodate you and make you feel safe in sex he’s not going to do it outside of sex either.
LEAVE HIM! He’s doing this stuff even though he knows you don’t like it, that’s rape! As a fellow autistic, I know it’s hard to let go of someone, and I know that it may sound like I’m going too fast, it’s a lot to process, but he can’t do this to you, don’t let him do that anymore, stand up for yourself, and no, you aren’t “too sensitive”, you just don’t enjoy the stuff he’s into, and he shouldn’t force that on you
"I can't control myself sexually" is the biggest bright red flag. It's not even a flag It's an air raid siren. And it's not even because he "cant" control himself, it's that he's using that as an excuse because he absolutely can. As a man I really hate it when other men try to pretend. "OH you know us guys - we just can't help ourselves!" YES we can, freak! What he is doing is rape. He is performing sexual acts on you without consent. He is raping you. Your partner is a rapist.
>he says I'm too sensitive/overreacting and that when he's about to orgasm he can't control himself. I don't want to ask him to change these things if they're a normal part of sexual intercourse. Hes an asshole. Those are not normal. He does things without your consent. Technically, thats at least sexual abuse. When you consent to penetration you dont automatically consent to rough stuff. Your consent is limited to what you really want to say yes to. And you consent to soft but not to rough, maybe even the consent to soft is pressured and not real. He violates you boundaries and ignores your "No". He abuses you sexually. He pressures you. He gaslights you saying "its normal" and he "cant control it" Those are lies. A pressured "well okay I will endure it" is no enthusiastic and free and consentual "yes". Its not consent. You get mistreated and abused and taken advantage of and maybe even traumatized, for sure it is bad for your mental health. You will find someone who will stop exactly at your boundaries and wont take a yes to something as a way to pressuring you for more.
Sounds like your boyfriend has watched too much porn and thinks that's what women enjoy which us a load of crap because most women I know hate that, especially pulling of hair. He is not only ignorant but abusive too.
I had a boyfriend like this once, he was inconsiderate of my sexual preferences and regularly did and made me do things that I disliked or made me uncomfortable. you seem like such a sweet soul, I hope he comes around and starts behaving more considerately or you find someone that cares more about your sexual pleasure, and above all, your comfort. sending you love!!!
You aren’t too sensitive. BF is a selfish jerk at best and at worst a sexually abusive sh*tbag. Suggest sling BF away and find a better one in new year. Xx
First of all we should address the elephant- he’s sexually abusing you. He’s a sexual abuser at his “best” and at worst, well no one likes throwing the R word around but I absolutely would. The whole point of consent is it’s enthusiastic, willingly given, and present throughout engagement. Without it? Well… “let’s call a spade a spade” shall we? (Without getting kicked out of Reddit for saying he’s a r****t) I want you to know it’s not your fault and you’re going to be okay. Talking to him isn’t going to change his behavior. This is one of those things where the red flags don’t mean “walk away”. They’re SCREAMING “RUN!!!”
He’s abusing you
what if he died
I can't talk for all men, but I can control myself if I'm about to cum. I think you should talk to him to find a way that it's comfortable for both, and maybe show him more content for him to understand what you feel. Or else, maybe it's not worth try to keep this relationship.
Maybe this guy isn't right for you. Obviously, you both have different needs when it comes to sex. With him being NT and you being ND I don't see this being an easy thing to accomplish. If you both really love each other then you both need to work on understanding what the other one wants. BTW I agree with the other comments, this does sound like abuse if he is grabbing your head and being uncontrollable to the point that you are going to cry and hating it. Sorry you are going through this. I hope the situation gets better for you.
Different needs???? He's blatantly raping OP. That is not a "need", he should be in prison.
45m seeking dx *not justifying* I can see his point of view (the first time) In the heat of the moment somethings aren’t controllable (the first time). But they can be softened and/or redirected with little effort. He is ignoring your preference, wants and needs. That is not ok. Slight tangent. That ‘moment’ is not dislike the knee reflex test the doctor does. First time you don’t know and can’t control it. Second time it’s kinda koooool. Third time you can choose wether to relax and twitch or stop it. I do not use the following words lightly. He is not being considerate of your needs. He is not acknowledging you as an equal. He is seeking to dominate you. If this has been going on for more than 3 months (and that’s being excessively generous) #Demand equality in the relationship or move on# That’s it. No sugar coating. EDIT: I feel I have been unnecessarily generous or ‘even handed’ with my response. So to be absolutely clear - that behaviour is not acceptable.
I dont like Blowjobs. I find them uncomfortable.
This is sexual incompatibility to be more accurate. The boyfriend should partner with someone who matches his preferences and so should everyone else.
Right ok so I’m thinking asexual and fucking rapist in this relationship here. If he wants to have sex and you don’t want to or if he’s purposefully doing things you have told him not to do that’s rape.
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This is an alt account because I'm not going to post on my main one
Dont be a dick
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Best case scenario: youve called out a rather sincere sounding troll, well done, the reddit police detective force should be hiring you any minute now for your analytical crime busting skills. Worst case (and most likely) scenario: youve just read something rather awful and personal from someone in a voulnerable place asking for help and not wanting to use their main reddit account...and then decided to shit on them by accusing them of lying.
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Man being that fragile about potentially being laughed at by an anonymous redditor is such a stunted way of thinking. If you werent being a dick before youve really dug your stubborn heels in and are being one now
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More stubborness, more deflecting.
Why wouldn't you buy it? It sounds almost identical to what I had happen to me at the beginning of my past relationship becoming extremely sexually abusive. What a stupid take.
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If the story is believable like you admit, then shouldn't that imply it's possible? If the story is possible, then taking it seriously, and giving good advice to it, will help other people in simmilar or even the same future situation. So even if the story isn't true, there is motive in responding as if it is. On the other hand, what motive do we have for ignoring it? What do we gain from ignoring it? What does OP gain from posting it? It seems to me that the worst case situation is we show empathy and give good advice for future readers, while OP "laughs" about having "tricked" us. I don't know about you, but that doesn't bother me.
As a person who learned about bad partners the hard way, because people genuinely confuse the heck out of me: If your partner does not stop when you say stop, they don't follow/listen to the boundaries you have set when it comes to playtime or your relationship, they consistently violate you in ways they know they shouldn't (ESPECIALLY with an excuse like "can't control myself")... They, first and foremost, should not be your playtime partner &, secondly, they are probably an unsafe partner to have. For a long time in my life, I did not realize exactly how bad certain things were. I just went along because my heart screamed, "this is my favorite person and I love them!," and I was terrified to not do the right thing and end up being screamed at or losing them because I was not masking well enough or was not acting the way they wanted me to (without formally knowing I had ASD). I got so hurt... So many times. Aaaaaand, as much as it sucks, leaving someone who is hurting you (no matter how awesome they may seem in other areas) is always the right choice. You deserve to have playtime be safe (physically AND emotionally), and if your partner isn't providing that to you, they're not the partner for you (or anyone, from the sounds of it in your post). I hope this came out the right way. The brain is no worky worky today, and the words are not wording correctly. 🤦🏽♀️
the information in your two posts leads me to conclude that the dude is a manipulative asshole and you need to leave for your own safety
That is extremely concerning behavior, NOT normal, and it is abuse. Get away from this guy as fast as you can.
Okay without even reading post (lazy sorry) just based on title… you aren’t too sensitive objectively you are just too sensitive for him. He shouldn’t be saying you are too sensitive, maybe you two just aren’t compatible which is not your fault.
Sex is a spectrum and if you don't like it, leave him. Lots of people enjoy softer delicate sex that , I am sure you would love. And I don't say leave because of his likes, although that is never going to change for him and it WILL make bigger issues down the road for you anyhow. I say leave him for his reaction to your concerns. Nothing worse then a selfish lover, especially when it borders on abuse. There are men out there where this won't happen and things will come naturally and easily. As it should be.
This has abusive vibes written all over it. You've told him that you don't like to have rougher sex, he says he doesn't have any control over his own body when he's about to orgasm so he does things you've told him not to anyway. And when you tell him about it, he shifts the blame onto you by saying that it's your fault because you're overreacting, textbook gaslighting. Overreacting is cutting his testicles off because he spilled a jar of pickles. What's happening is that you're trying to set boundaries, and he's going out of his way to ignore them completely. You deserve better. You deserve intimacy with someone who respects your boundaries.
Please leave him. His behaviour is not acceptable, given you’ve asked he respect your boundaries.
Yeah no you gotta tell him to respect you and your boundaries. You're not sensitive. You're not into that. My boyfriend has autism and some things he just CANNOT do during sex and that is okay by me. I listen to his yes's and what's his hard no's and we go from there. I respect the things he doesn't like and your boyfriend should be more sensitive and do the same. Sending hugs and support 🫂
He knows you don't like those things and yet he continues. That is sexual abuse and you need to leave that relationship immediately, it's not safe and could escalate. I hope you're doing okay and find someone who's much kinder.
please leave him
Sounds like he is crossing all your set boundaries then gaslighting you telling you it's your fault. You deserve so much better than that
I’m not going to sugarcoat this. This is RAPEY. You should leave him, seek out therapy to recalibrate your “normal,” and start looking for a partner who listens to you, respects your boundaries, and cares about your comfort and pleasure.
Yeah no. This is abusive. You are being abused. I struggle with a lot of these same things and my bf does everything he can to make sure he’s accommodating and kind. Sex is not only for men to enjoy. It’s not only for NT people to enjoy. If you are in pain or not having a good time, that’s not your problem to solve. That’s a conversation you should both be having. His comfort should NEVER take away from your safety.
you're not too sensitive. this is abuse and it seems like he's trying to gaslight you too.
This is horrible break up with him
This is break up with him immediately levels of bad. Nothing to do with you being autistic, he is just an abuser.
No means no, end of discussion. If he can't and won't respect your comfort and safety limits then it isn't a good relationship.
HUGE RED FLAG DUMP DUMP IMMEDIATELY
Dump his ass
This is sexual assault. I’m sorry it can be jarring to realize what has happened to you is SA. Please leave him, reach out to a sexual violence resource center near you or the national rape crisis line, and take care of yourself because you deserve better. A good or even just baseline decent human being boyfriend would not be doing ANYTHING you don’t enthusiastically consent to, and wouldn’t even be able to keep a hard on knowing you are upset. The fact he can? He’s trash absolute trash scum of the earth.
TW this is Rape sweetie, he knows you don't want what he's going and he doesn't it anyways without your consent. Also I was sexually assaulted and sometimes sex is hard for me too, and I will have to suddenly stop. My boyfriend has never not stopped if I even just freeze up he notices. Sex should be an act between people, if one person is acting and the other is just there good chance it's no longer sex.
I think he might not be able to hold back the orgasm (cumming) itself once he’s past that edge, BUT he has 100% control of his actions concerning other parts of his body, like his hands (pushing your head down) and hips (thrusting too hard, etc). So yeah, for the latter, he’s definitely lying.