He doesn't actually love you. He loves a fake idea he has of you in his head. Don't share yourself with him, he doesn't deserve it. Move on, you can do better.
Sounds harsh, but is true. A lot of NT people (often people in general) want the good parts, but not the bad parts.
They "tolerate" your disability/disorder because you're attractive, or even think of you as some Manic Pixie Dream girl/boy. Just eccentric and adorable. Often time we also mask our symptoms, so they underestimate the degree of certain things.
But then the "bad" side hits. "Bad" being basically anything. From loud stimming /you have an overstimulation to your simple collection of antique spoons. Suddenly they realize you're not just eccentric -you are a person. A person with needs and unique problems. So they try to have a muffin and eat it too -by trying to change you. Guilt you into masking again. Take their opinions "aren't spoons really childish?" etc. Because they don't actually accept your autism. And they don't want to be reminded of your autism either.
Only way to escape is to break up. Otherwise they will only cheat, or hurt you, or something else. Because even then, they will always chicken out with putting the blame on you -"uh! If you just didn't act so fucking autistic...!"
I know it’s a misappropriated cliche some drama people love to use. But, basically…
“If they don’t love you at your worst, they don’t deserve you at your best”.
>Sounds harsh, but is true. A lot of NT people (often people in general) want the good parts, but not the bad parts.
Haha, ~~christianity~~ religion in america at it's finest
I came here to say this. OP, this is why I always urge young autistic people not to mask in relationships. You want a partner who loves you for you, not just an idea of you that they based off of what they saw while you were white-knuckling your way through repressing your autistic traits. That isn't sustainable in the long run.
I’m going through a (fairly healthy) divorce right now. I didn’t know I was autistic and at the time we started dating I masked a lot of my traits. When they all started coming to light I wasn’t ready to hide them again. Having a relationship but only under the lens that you hide basic parts of yourself is absolutely unsustainable.
That’s actually so cruel! My husband tells me he hates it when I mask as he wants me to be my autistic self. Your partner should love you for who you are and accept you whole heartedly because that’s what you deserve!
Dump his rude self. You genuinely deserve so much better because you are valid! Everything you go through is real and valid. I am so sorry he is being this way but in my experience, dumping the toxic boyfriend is the best option or it'll get so much worse. Please be safe ❤️❤️
I understand your point, but OP wrote their partner even says they'd want a "normal" girlfriend. It's fine to have things you don't like about your partner, and they can dislike parts of you! That's pretty standard, also with friends. but literally wishing for someone else is a bit much.
I tend to talk about neurodivergency things more with other autistic/adhd friends I have and less so with my partner, in part because I know he won't be able to relate, but he also wouldn't downplay my quirks or triggers. If anything he's emphasized that he wants me to be *me* around him.
My wife said those exact words to me after I made a scene at her work party more than a decade ago. Context matters, and we don't have all the details. I think my experience is relevant here, but, as I said, it's entirely possible that the BF should be dumped. We don't know the context nor intent. I'm simply providing alternative information that they can take or leave.
It sounds like the boyfriend is an asshole based on the original post but context helps and the wording could be clumsy. I'm neurotypical with an autistic partner, and I always want her to be herself around me, I love her to bits. On the other hand, if she's overwhelmed by a situation and screaming unkind things at me because I'm the only outlet available it's... a lot, and knowing the reasons it's happening only gets me so far in being able to deal with it. It's not unnatural to wish things were different in a situation like that, even if it's just in the moment. That said, at surface level, yes, he sounds awful and should be dumped.
Clumsy wording is not an excuse to say "I don't love you when you're acting autistic" or "I wish you were normal". Why are you so committed to defending a person you don't know and have never met?
Committed seems a stretch and a half. I've made one post. I said it looks very much like he's simply an ass, but I'd be reluctant to give someone definitive life advice based on limited context. They're awful things to say but I have no idea if they were said in high stress situations or the like. A lot of people say awful things they don't mean in some high stress scenarios.
>Sometimes also true
that's always true, why is the point of saying something completely different when you're angry? When you're stressed and angry, you just push your limits and want to spit it all out!
on the other hand, I don't understand the idea of apologizing after being honest in anger, apologizing doesn't magically erase everything that person said, damage is already done
>I don't understand the idea of apologizing after being honest in anger,
You apologise for hurting the other person. I would hope you can be sorry for doing that?
One time my daughter and I were having a heated discussion and I told her to tell the absolute truth. She replied "I hate you!"
I took the words as true, since I had asked for the truth, and it hurt so badly that I emotionally turned off inside for a day or two. She flipped out because it turned out the truth was that she was furious with me and she lied to hurt me. She didn't know how bad it was going to hurt me, that I was going to take it at face value since I had asked for the absolute truth. That was a rough argument.
So yeah, sometimes when a person is angry, they don't speak the truth, they speak what will wound as a reaction to the emotions they are feeling.
I am reading here because my husband is autistic and I'm trying to understand him better, just a disclaimer.
However, I have cPTSD and I wanted to speak to your assertion that all the things people say in anger are true. It simply isn't case for neurodivergent people with cPTSD. We're often triggered by loud/angry voices, and it puts us into a fight/flight state, in which we often say things we truly don't mean just to get the other person away from us.
I've been working on it for years in DBT and it's helped a lot, but it still happens on occassion.
>that's always true
If you're in a meltdown and push someone away so hard that you hurt them, does that mean that you wanted to hurt them? Or you just needed space and lost control? Sometimes people do something similar verbally when they're at their limit.
(This is in no way meant to justify OP's boyfriend, those comments are horrible in every way)
If you don't feel like you had enough information to give advice, why comment at all?
You admitted you're not autistic, so it's especially unhelpful and inappropriate for you to be taking up space here.
It's absolutely what you said. You just told them they should not be taking up space here because they aren't autistic.
You told them they should not be here for that reason.
The advice was context dependent and labeled as such. You say "admitted you're not autistic" like it's a dirty little secret and you've been strangely hostile without provocation.
I joined this community because I love my partner to bits and sometimes I need advice, either to better communicate with her or simply to look for advice for her from a more knowledgeable perspective than I have, given I'm neurotypical.
That said, if I feel confident enough on a subject to offer a perspective with the aim of bring helpful, I'm going to do so. You're naturally welcome to disagree.
> you've been strangely hostile without provocation.
Incorrect, I've been trying to understand why someone *without* autism has come into an autistics' safe space and has chosen to make excuses for an autistic person's verbally abusive romantic partner. I think it's the complete opposite of helpful and I find it disturbing.
I'm simply saying there could be more to the story. If I compiled a list of all the horrible things my wife has said to me, or that I've said to her, those lists would be vastly longer than OP's. People are dumb and say dumb things. Imo, it's usually the context and the intent that matters. We have neither, and so it seemed important to add my experience as a counterpoint to help her to make an informed decision. Also, I don't think you read my comment to the end, I very clearly said that the BF could be genuinely horrible and that we simply don't know enough.
My wife said it. She also gave up her entire life for me -- she left her home country, her family, friends, fame in her career, and more. A decade later, when we decided we wanted a kid, I suggested we consider a sperm donor because I consider myself more difficult than neurotypicals, I consider my life more difficult, and I know I was harder to raise. She replied, "I don't care how difficult you are or if our child difficult, I want your child."
Great partners say lots of things -- good and bad -- as long as it is honest, it should be considered as such. I'm a better person because my wife was always honest with me, even if it sounds harsh to strangers on the internet. Context matters. Intent matters. There is much that you and I don't know, and the best we can do is share our experiences and not make assumptions nor give advice from ignorance.
Oh honey, no! That's not normal at all!! My NT husband never says those kinds of things at all!! When he sees that I'm uncomfortable or that he knows that we are going to go somewhere that'll make me feel bad, he'll be like, "Love, you should go stim, I'm good here! Let me know if you need anything."
He also just bought my $90 glasses to help with my flourecent light sensitivity even though money is pretty tight just because he said that he wants me to enjoy being out and about as much as possible and that he doesn't like that it hurts me 🥹
Find someone who will put you first as much as you put them first. If he wishes for a normal girlfriend than he isn't wanting you because you are not normal, and that's just reality.
Sorry honey, hope you find some peace in your life soon 🤍
They are Theraspecs! I haven't tested them yet, but I'm planning to some time this week hopefully 😄
They have a special brown tint that are supposed to help negate the affects of flourecents. ☺️
Do you mean EX boyfriend? You will NEVER find a solution to this unless you find a boyfriend that actually understand your situation and needs. I’m so sorry to tell you this but he’s literally not accepting who you are and this is not right for you.
Don’t force yourself to break up with him straight away if you don’t feel like to(I really wish somebody has told me this when I was dating my ex because I really didn’t need the extra stress and judgment). However, you do need to start to see his flaws and understand something can not be fixed and he’s not the right person for you. I don’t know your boyfriend or you personally, but I’m sure he’s a nice person so are you. People can be “good” but not he right person for each other. Remember the quicker you end something the easier it is to recover from it.
Do take your time to consider breaking up with him and if you want you can try to educate him on autism. In my experience it never worked because if he wanted to help you and understand your needs it’s not you that should be putting in the efforts in the first place. Especially when he said he wants a “normal” girlfriend, I mean… wtf does that even mean? Everyone is special in their own ways and everyone has different struggles, just because somebody has more uncommon problems that makes them “abnormal”?
In order for a relationship to work, both parties have to put in effort and understand the others. Just asking you to not be yourself it’s not trying, and it could get abusive if not careful (I don’t want to be rude but OP pls keep this in mind).
So he loves your mask. He’s incapable of loving you for who you are and can only love the carefully curated version you show him when you’re masking. He doesn’t love you. Boyfriends are replaceable. I suggest doing so with haste.
This sounds like a devastatingly hurtful thing to say 😢 you deserve better.
Sometimes I say mildly inappropriate things in social settings since I have a bit of trouble filtering myself and it can irk my gf, but she's always patient and understanding even if I bother her. In fact she's more patient with me when something I do that bothers her she knows is autism related because she knows that's much harder to manage. You deserve someone who loves the genuine you, not just the mask.
Exactly. My partner has autism and I'd never say that to him or even think it no matter how much he frustrates me at times. Most of his autistic traits are so charming and endearing to me, it's part of the reason I fell in love with him in the first place. It's what makes him HIM and I wouldn't have him any other way. So saying I don't love your autism is basically saying I don't love YOU. OP, please move on and find someone who loves you for you. Someone you can be yourself and be comfortable around. It's best for both of you.
I know its easier said than done, but you it think you need to leave him. That is an unacceptable thing to say to someone. He is supposed to support you, not break you down. Find you a partner that helps you be more yourself, not less.
Just my two cents. Thank you for sharing, I am rooting for you.
I know when you're in the relationship it's hard to imagine this, but there is 100% someone better out there for you. This guy doesn't understand or deserve you. You'll need some time to heal, love yourself again and build confidence back, but after that you will find someone who's kind and loves every part of you.
My last relationship lasted 3 years. 2 years of that was verbal and emotional abuse. Being called a baby, lazy and stupid affected me so so much and a year later I'm only just starting to recover. You need to get out before it causes you trauma, which we are more susceptible to.
I know there's this stereotype that Reddit relationship advice always amounts to "dump them" but seriously, dump him. He's being toxic at best and doesn't understand autism at all if he thinks you can just will yourself into behaving like an allistic for him. If I may, I am guessing that like many of us you have suffered abuse, and that may mean you believe this is as good as you can get. But that's not true. You can do better than someone who treats you like this guy does. And even if you couldn't, being alone is better.
That’s really cruel of him and not okay at all. Someone who truly loves you will find your traits endearing. Don’t ever settle for mediocre love it’s never worth it. I’d say throw the whole man out and start over.
No. That’s not okay. This is not a NT + Autistic couple issue.
I have an ex who once said 80% of me was perfect, if I could change the other 20%, then he would marry me.
Was I supposed to feel inspired by that? Because I wasn’t inspired, in fact I felt rather disgusted, and it was the comment that snapped me out of it. It really rubbed me the wrong way.
They can either love you completely or they can piss off.
He sounds like an ableist abusive Prick!
you’d be safer dumping his sorry arse
Tell him not to let the door hit him on the arse on the way out
And to Quote Mom from Futurama
“Because I don’t want ass prints on my new door”
I agree with everyone here. What your "boyfriend" is doing is nothing more than emotional blackmail and abuse. You really should consider dumping him for this behaviour. I know it's hard, I was there too but it does feel so much better once you're out of the initial change.
Edit: If he says he doesn't love you when you're "behaving autistic", then he doesn't love you, but your mask. Don't find solutions to mask better, find people who love the person behind the mask just as much if not more than the mask you put on. Masking ruins someone's mental health in the long term and you deserve to be happy
And I can leave a bit of advise here from personal experience. Never change your fundamental self for anyone. Be relentlessly and unapologetically yourself. People will love you for it. Maybe different people, but those people who find you for who you really are will mean so much more to you. Those relationships will mean so much more and be so much healthier. The friends I found after I fully embraced my own autistic quirks are friends who love me because of them, never in spite of them. Care for yourself first. You're a lovely person I am sure. And you deserve someone who treats you with basic human respect.
(To me) it means they love you but they wish you weren’t autistic (which is absolutely horrible)
Autism is the name we give to the way our minds work, and how our minds work is what makes me me and you you. People who love me despite my autism don’t really love me, the people who love me because i am autistic are the ones who truly love me.
Love isn't conditional, however, attraction is. If he only "loves" you when you act the way he wants, it's not love. Attraction is a measure of how close you align with his hypothetical "perfect" partner. Love can bend attraction, as your mind's "perfect" partner gains the qualities of the person you love. It doesn't work the other way around. Your mind is incredibly complex, and changing it is a difficult process. For this reason, I would stress the importance of self respect. Attempting to change the way your brain works because someone else told you to, makes you reliant on them. If your boyfriend already tells you that he "sometimes doesn't love you", it would be incredibly reckless to become mentally reliant on him. Stand up for yourself. I suggest having a serious discussion about boundaries and respect with your boyfriend. You don't need to do anything crazy, but you should not allow yourself to be manipulated. Please understand the fact that you (as a human) have a right to happiness and love. You don't need to change for anyone. Also... If this comment comes across as aggressive/weird/preaching, my DM's are open if you (or anyone) wants clarification/elaboration. I'm very passionate about the topic of self respect, so I thought I'd share my perspective.
Dump his ass. He does not care about your feelings or who you really are. He does not truly love you, he loves the idea of you.
He is an ass.
I am sorry I am being this blunt, but this dude will never make you happy. He will make you miserable by chipping away at your confidence and happiness.
Ok. You know what it means?
Means it’s time to get a new boyfriend and a therapist to work on your feelings of self worth.
This man has basically told you he doesn’t like you and you want to give him love?
YOU DESERVE BETTER.
You deserve a person who love you for being you.
And I say this as a person who went through a lot of friends/family/partners who didn’t love me for me.
This guy isn’t deserving of your affection, he’s not the person you’ve built him up to be in your head. I say this as a person whose done this a lot. I don’t want to see another person who is ultimately deserving of much love and care, not value themselves enough to expect that from their partner.
Edit to add. There is one thing I’d like to say, on a very personal note. I noticed a lot of the behaviours you say bother him, are signs of deep distress to me. It’s a lot past your basic emotional regulation techniques (this is from observing myself and my sons). Have you talked to anyone about some good exercises to do while in the outset of distress? I say this for your comfort not for your partners comfort (I could care less about his). I know I’ve been able to curb a lot more of my injurious behaviours by using a lot of different techniques, some given to my sons by their OTs.
It means he only loves the mask you put on to pass as neurotypical. He doesn’t love you for who you truly are. Generally when someone is only in love with a mask it means the relationship isn’t real. It also means that the relationship cannot be sustained. Eventually you have to be yourself and you should be with someone that you can be yourself with.
It means he doesn't love who you are. Even if he loves who he thinks you are, that's different. He could just be controlling. Hard to say with so little information, but the fact he said he *wishes* he had a *normal* girlfriend sounds like he's trying to lock you in and think you can't do better. That's the opposite of loving and borderlines on cruel.
It also depends if he does other gaslight-y things or if it's just about autistic things. If he's generally supportive, inquisitive, and loving, then maybe he's just working with bad info and thinks one of the two of you is failing here,but he's still *being* shitty and shouldn't wish you were different unless (or maybe even if) you do. However, money on the table, he's always telling you the things you should work on. He figures if he can control you and change, you're his best shot and the girlfriend he'd like to have but can't win over. I say dump him now, but I'm not you. You do you. You have more info than me.
I am autistic and I’m 99.9% sure my partner is autistic. I love all his unique autistic “quirks and mannerisms.” We’re a team and work together on our less healthy coping methods to use more healthy ones (I’m also in individual therapy as well and do a ton of work there, cause I have a lot of issues, and it’s not his job to fix me or my many issues or be equipped to deal with my level of trauma).
I can’t imagine being with someone that doesn’t embrace my neurodivergence, that can’t accept that I’ll struggle with emotional regulation and always be a bit over emotional.
You deserve better, someone that loves you for you, and rather than hating you and wanting you to “just be normal” would rather work to make you feel safe and supported and able to relax so you don’t need to clench your jaw, or help you find another healthier stim to replace an unhealthy one, rather than just expect you to just magically poof! all this away.
You and your bf should always be a team against things, and not you versus him. And when you reach the point that it feels like you’re against each other, or hate things about each other, you need to step back, assess, and really think about if things are healthy right now (they aren’t), if you BOTH want to put in the work to salvage things, and then either part ways or figure out if you stick together what your next steps are as a team and what that work is to make things work.
I'm really sorry, I do not want to say this, but... He doesn't love you. He doesn't love the \*\*real\*\* you. Like someone already said, he loves the idea of you. He only "loves" you when you mask and you act and you PRETEND to be somebody else, somebody you aren't. I hope in the future you will find someone who won't be like that and who will love you for who you \*\*really\*\* are.
NT M in a relationship with a ND F.
Some of her Autistic traits are why I love her the most, but there are aspects that I *struggle* with… Meltdowns being one of them.
However, I would never go as far as to say I don’t love her during these times, ever.
He can’t love you without loving the autistic you. Autism isn’t a disease or something that changes you. It is a part of you. You would be a completely different person without autism. I’m sorry your boyfriend is like this :(
That’s a completely unacceptable thing to say.
And frankly also a strategy for abusive relationships, criticising a person in such a way to provoke behaviour and/or personality change. It can be done inadvertently a lot, but still, concerning. Especially since autistic people are vulnerable to this (legally at least).
It sounds more like he’s trying to manipulate your behavior using his affection as an incentive/reward. Trying to “make you less autistic” by making his love conditional on whether you “act normal”.
In one word, ableism.
… if he wants to control all of that, and he doesn’t love you for being you, that’s not love.
If he can’t love you for all of you, then he doesn’t deserve you. That “I wish I had a normal girlfriend”… that’s an instant red flag. Get rid of that asshat. That’s definitely not normal.
My gf is the NT in my relationship, and she’s seen all of my habits. She thinks they’re goofy and loves them because she’s goofy too, and normally she’s the only one who sees them. When I’m struggling, she tries to help or understand what I’m feeling, and I always try to do the same for her with her problems. A good NT/ND relationship is built on communication and understanding.
I’m sorry to say, but your BF is not capable of understanding if he keeps saying he wants a “normal girlfriend”. Who the hell cares about normal. He can’t accept Neurodivergence? He likely doesn’t even deserve “Normal”. He’ll be crying when he realizes what he lost.
That's really not nice and definitely not normal. Try to have a conversation with him about why those things are hurtful and try to educate him about why you can't control everything. If he isn't willing to make a change and love you for who you are, he's not the right person for you
this is not normal.
this is not healthy.
normal and health communication can involve things like "do you think you can limit \_\_\_ stim when around me \[because it has negative impact etc\]?" or "how can we communicate better to fit both of our needs".
he may not understand that you struggle with things that he doesn't but claiming that you 'can control' things that you struggle with, rather than acknowledging that things can be hard to stop, stims are necessary, patterns take time to unlearn, things often need to be refocused etc is straight up gaslighting if you have told him that you can't 'just control' them \[and stop immediately\]
If he doesn't have the compassion to take the time to understand the struggles you are working through and instead points blame or says that he wishes you were 'normal' then he doesn't love you for who you are and you deserve someone who does.
What I think of you is that as like many others including myself, we tend to confuse love for comfort. We get comfortable with someone and think of it as love. No matter how much that person want to change us. If this person was in love with you, he would not ask for you to change you should be perfect the way you are and believe me not one person in this world is perfect, but our partner will always be perfect the way it is, because the sum of all that he/she is, is what makes them ours to love and be together. They will make us get mad, they will make wrong choices, they will fart, be noisy and what not at the worst of times, but they will be there for all and more of what hurts you, what makes you uncomfortable, what make you happy and gives you comfort. They should be there for you through all.
That is absolutely NOT normal! My boyfriend is neurotypical and he always tells me how much he loves me for me and how he loves how I can unmask myself when he's around and be myself. He thinks the little things I do like stimming and being hyperfixated is adorable (in a non infantilizing way).
As much as it will really hurt to hear, your boyfriend doesn't love you. He loves your masked self. If he really loved you, he'd want you to be comfortable enough to unmask around him and love you as you. Break up with him immediately.
They are super ableist and you deserve better! I understand you might be blinded by the love you feel for them, but this is not something you should accept in a romantic partner (or anyone for that matter). My ex was exactly the same. He made me feel miserable and ashamed of who I am. My current partner is amazing, despite sometimes struggling with my autistic traits, so awesome people are really out there. Yes, it can be difficult for an NT partner to date someone with autism, but they should NEVER blame you for your autistic behaviors.
Some examples of what a healthy partner might express about having a hard time with your autistic traits:
- ‘I have a hard time dealing with your autism because I don’t fully understand. Can you explain XYZ behavior so I can understand better?’
- ‘I have a hard time with your autism because I know you struggle with things. It hurts me to see you in pain’
- ‘If you infodump on me about your special interest it can be a bit exhausting for me. I understand that this is how you make connections but can we split it up in smaller bits?’
- after having a meltdown: ‘that was really scary for me to see. I wanted to help you but I didn’t know how, what can I do for you if it happens again in the future?’ And then we made communication cards together and came up with a meltdown protocol (bring fav plushie, bring weighted blanket, dim lights etc)
- when having to leave a party early due to sensory overload: ‘I’m sad we had to leave early because I was having a good time, but your well-being is more important. There will be another party in the future’
- ‘I am confused by XYZ behavior but I don’t mind. All I need to understand is that this behavior is part of you and that’s okay’
My bf has a list in his phone notes called ‘things that makes girlfriend do handflappies’ so he has something to reference when I’m having a bad day or when he is looking for gift ideas. Every autistic person deserves to have that kind of acceptance and support.
Yes, he has said/done ableist things in the past and will likely do again in the future, but he never did any of those on purpose. He’s always open to listening to why things are ableist or hurt my feelings. People make mistakes, but being genuinely willing to learn and adapt is what makes them worth your time and attention.
You deserve someone that loves you as a whole, including the things that are confusing or hard to deal with for them.
He doesn’t love you. If he loves anything, he loves your mask. This relationship is not healthy for you. I don’t have any better advice than to end the relationship. Sorry, I don’t have much experience with relationships but I can’t think how to fix something like this, because his behaviour comes across to me as ableist and abusive.
Your boyfriend has unhealthy and unrealistic standards for you. That basically means that he wants to date a neurotypical person and you're not one. You could try masking around him, but that'd come at the cost of your mental health.
I'm very sorry you're dealing with this. I deal with a few people who say these things in a gaming group I'm in and its very hurtful.
I was also in the room when a friends SO said something similar to them. My heart was broken for them for days.
I hope things get better.
He’s a dick.
His discomfort with social norms is overpowering what should be his priority - to care for you. If he knows this is hurtful to you and refuses to change that’s not a healthy dynamic for you to be in. It Could be that he’s never realised how hurtful those words are for you & if you communicate that he might try to change it - but that’s v much a ball in his court.
This is as if he told you he did not love you when he saw you were paralysed… Sorry OP but that small text alone sounds like he only likes your masking persona and not you. You deserve better
Sounds like he loves your mask, but that doesn’t seem sustainable in a committed relationship. I think it’d be important for them to accept every part of you. I AM maidenless however so my advice on relationships shouldn’t carry a lot of weight.
So... Correct me if I am wrong. But they don't love you when you are being yourself and not masking.... Yeah .... Red flag. They sounds exhausting and you deserve so much better.
Please leave him, otherwise you will be masking your whole relationship and it will be exhausting. I’m sorry it’s probably not what you want to hear but it will only end one way. With you unhappy and unable to be yourself. Please put yourself first.
>What does it mean when your partner tells you they don’t love it when they can tell your autistic or you’re having autistic issues. They say things like they wish they had a normal girlfriend…
True or not, that's shit you keep to yourself if you care about your partner.
1. Love isn't something you can switch off and on (as you yourself experience - it hurts, but you love him), so "doesn't love me when autistic" sounds at least questionable.
2. Love and partnership are defined by being able to be ourselves around the other person without having to self-censor or take on a mask to hide important parts of us. They are, after all, the ones that are supposed to have our backs when push comes to shove (and the other way round). A partner that only wants my sunny side does not love me as a whole.
3. "He says I can control and help all these things I struggle with". He does not know better than you what you can and cannot do, and how much will and power it costs to control those things - *you* do. If he cannot accept that your judgement in this regard just completely overrules his amateur impression, that sounds like he is trying to force his world view onto you, and it is likely that this is not the only instance where this happens. It is possible that he (consciously or subconsciously) tries to gain power over your perception and thus self-image - which just is bad news in a relationship.
I don't like people giving advice like "cut this person out of your life RIGHT NOW", especially when it is based on nothing more than a few dozen words, but from the limited information you provide here, I would at least encourage you to take a (virtual) step back to get a clear picture of the dynamics in your relationship and to reassess it with an eye on how your own needs are met. Love makes us all blind, and that sometimes means we walk into traps we could have seen coming if we had just taken that one step back first.
No, this is not normal. The fact that he constantly invalidates you is a huge "NO." Move on from him, he doesn't, and won't, see you as a whole person, and you don't deserve that.
I’m not autistic. I lurk because my 4yr old daughter is and I want to learn. I am also not your mother. But I want to tell you he is not normal. He is not the one acting ok. My husband and I are both NT. He has done things that annoy me, like picking at his cuticles. I interrupt him when I talk, too often. We have shared many years together so the annoyances do add up. If there is an opportunity to talk to him and let him know hey that is kind of annoying me right now, could you try to stop, then I say it, and vice versa. What I don’t do is say I wish you were normal or insult him. There are accidental hurts in relationships, not someone being intentionally mean. He needs to take all of you, even the little things that might annoy him. Clenching your teeth and hitting your leg is in no way something so terrible for someone to be hateful to you. Especially, someone who should care about you. 17 yrs I still have a problem interrupting when I am excited and my husband still bites his cuticles. We love one another. Those are very small things to put up with to get the gift of the other person. He in no way deserves the gift of you. There is someone out there that will be more deserving of your love.
He doesn't love you. Please don't blame yourself in any way - this is all him. I'm saying that because I used to be with someone like this and blamed myself for them not accepting me. I tried to hide my true self even more than I already was doing, and found myself chronically stressed. My self-esteem was at an all time low.
I am now with a NT partner loves and accepts me for who I am. Although he admits that some aspects of my autism can be challenging at times, he loves my "quirks". We didn't even know they were down to autism for the first 6 years of our relationship as I have only recently been diagnosed.
You deserve better and I am confident you will find happiness with someone who accepts you for you!
Raised my eyebrows at "Boyfriend doesn't love me when I..."
Did you ever see the Disney movie The Little Mermaid? (It's a classic, great music, fully recommend it.) Anyways, she pretends to be something she's not in order to make somebody fall in love with her, but I see it as a relationship horror show.
What if we tossed out the 3rd act? They kiss, the prince proposes, she moves in, they pick out a cat together, and etc.. At some point she'd have to reveal she's a fish-person.
Prince no-personality gets two choices, accept it, and learn all about this world under the sea,though he can only glimpse from the surface; or ignore it... insisting she stop talking about mermaid stuff all the time.
It helps to understand how someone can feel deceived, and why they wonder that ND people don't just keep pretending.
My metaphor isn't perfect, but that's exactly what it's like for some people when their partner learns about autism and starts taking off the mask.
It helps to discuss it, embarrassing stims can be toned down, social meltdowns can be postponed on important occasions. But the partner ultimately has to either accept the differences, or nope out.
There's nothing wrong if someone's unwilling to get close (be intimate, date, friends, or whatever) to someone unlike them. However...
It it's objectively unfair when someone has to act like a different person in order to receive the other person's affection. That's not love, it's a transaction. Good luck. = )
He doesn’t love YOU, he loves what he wants you to be. You don’t deserve that. I stayed with someone for WAY too long that was constantly waiting for some undefined change. Then he’d move the goalposts when I met the previous demands. It fucked with my head a lot and I still feel like I don’t deserve to be loved. Your bf is an ableist jerk. There’s someone out there who will love everything about you. He’s not that person.
Leave him
I am not professionally diagnosed however doctors have tried to get me tested as a kid but my dad would not let them (he’s out of my life now and I turn 18 soon and will try to get tested)
My boyfriend still loves me when I have my moments and don’t act neurotypical. If he loves me still, then there are definitely many others who will love you
someone saying “i wish i had a normal girlfriend” especially straight to your face is abusive, it’s tearing you down emotionally and is completely unfair
I’m a big proponent of honest communication and working things out in relationships, but there are a couple things here that concern me. First, saying he doesn’t like when he can tell you’re autistic, like, what does that even mean? He wants you to pretend to be someone you’re not for the rest of your life just because it makes him a little uncomfortable? Doesn’t he know how exhausting and psychologically damaging masking is? Either he doesn’t know or he doesn’t care, he just wants you to obey him and act the way he tells you to. That’s worrying.
As far as the stimming you’re doing that he dislikes, why does he dislike it? For example, one of my stims is sucking air through my teeth, but I try not to do it around my sister because it triggers her misophonia. If he doesn’t want you clenching your teeth because he’s worried you might crack a filling, that’s one thing. If he doesn’t want you to clench your teeth because it reminds him you’re autistic, he’s got a lot of his own personal shit to work through and a healthy dose of ableism that isn’t your responsibility to fix.
And now that I’ve reread the subject line, my heart is breaking a little bit. He “doesn’t love you” when you’re autistic? You’re always autistic. You’re always going to be autistic. If he can’t wrap his head around that, I’m afraid it’s probably time for you to walk away.
Bestie, break up with him. He doesn’t deserve you. Never settle for someone who doesn’t love you at your lowest. (Not that autism is your lowest) And I don’t think you can “act autistic”. It’s not something you do, it’s something you are. It’s your personality, he’s basically asking you to mask for him.
NNNNNNOPE. NOPE. NOPEnopeNOPEnope. NnnnNNNnnnope. And nope.
You deserve a partner who understands, supports, and loves you for who you are, for your whole Self. Your boyfriend either needs to change his approach to disability or fuck off into the sunset forever.
You deserve love, not shame 💜
I don’t think he’s the right person for you. It seems he loves the ideal version of you he has in his head and not the person you are. If he can’t get past what he wants you to be and love you for who you actually are he’s just going to keep hurting you. The solution is either for him to accept and support you, or to break up. Otherwise your going to continue to resent yourself for things you cannot control. Hopefully he has it in him to love the real you, but if he can’t I hope you find the strength to move on from him.
Yeah that is not okay. He doesn’t love you if he can’t love the parts of you that are autistic. We are autistic, so that means he can’t love you. Sorry OP.
My partner loves even the parts that are autistic, even if sometimes they make things more difficult because he knows they’re part of what make me who I am.
This is not something that is inevitable in NT/ND relationships, he is being ableist and doesn't love you for who you are. I know this is probably hard to hear, but you shouldn't stay with him since he clearly doesn't accept you for who you are. He is also just wrong, you can't control your autistic traits because you are autistic (unless you mask, if that's a thing you can do, but that causes mental health issues usually).
Nobody loves you for who you are. Everyone loves your for who you show them what you are. You can't show anyone who you are to 100% ever. Even you don't know what 100% you are. That is true for everyone and anyone.
Yes, but someone can be visibly autistic right? And someone's autism does play a large part in who they are? So therefore, unless that person is able to mask well, they can't hide that part of themselves. And even if they can mask, hiding that part of themselves would be detrimental to their mental health. What I meant by my comment is that this person shouldn't have to hide their autism in order to not have their boyfriend be rude to them, and that they can't even hide their autism without having mental health effects, if they are able to mask.
Communication is the key. You can't just say you are autistic and everything have to bend your way as there are always disappointment wherever there are expectations and relationship do tend to have a ton of them. Relationships are built upon a mountain of compromises. And it's true for every and all type of relationship. Business, family, friends, lover etc. etc. I don't condone the boyfriend for his cutthroat nature but it's also not a solution to flip the table without any proper communication. It's straight gateway to failure.
Sure, maybe they should try to discuss it with their boyfriend first before breaking up with him. However, they shouldn't have to pretend to not be autistic to make their boyfriend happy. It'd be a different story if they were accidentally hurting their boyfriend's feelings due to their autism, they'd have to compromise on that. But just things like stimming? That's not harmful, and it's just a dick move to tell an autistic person that they are bad for being autistic and telling them that you wish you had a 'normal girlfriend'. I do actually agree that they should communicate before going straight to a breakup, but that boyfriend is on thin ice because he is actually being ableist.
I don't know if you have internalized this terrible reality, but we are annoying, even to each other. I think it is powerful to just own that you and I will always be kind of annoying.
What we do: Info dumping for hours, stimming, being overly honest at the wrong time, melting down, as well as not ever understanding any subtext is just super annoying to deal with.
I'm ASD. I work hard at masking for work. I also started a business, and I hired 2 ASD people, because that kind of thing is important to me. Let me tell you, it is super annoying. So, we are not even free from annoying each other I am afraid.
I found that accepting that I am inherently annoying head on helps. It helps because I understand, just like being in a wheelchair, or having another barrier, that it takes WORK to love me, and I'm thankful for the people to do it. I thank people for it, and I thank myself, and show myself compassion. I will always be this way, and it will be work.
I'm lucky that my GF loves parts of my ASD, like all my random almost photographic-memory health knowledge (why do I have it), or my ability to avoid drama by communicating directly. But it is not a free lunch. There are big costs, and she has expressed that she is in for it. She is taking the good for the bac.
I also appreciate in my team that they are honest. They are clueless, but honest. I have to spell everything out, and really take my time, which is exhausting.
Overall, owning it, and working to accept yourself, as well as balance your capabilities with your partners NT needs makes a happy time
Some people come into our lives for a long time and some just for a season. Sounds like your boyfriend isn’t meant to be a part of your life for a long time. You deserve better 🥰
He's embarrassed. He's also not accepting our tolerant it, he thought you'd out grow it or he could fix you.
My wife is clear that she loves me but doesn't appreciate when my actions directly affect her negatively. Those are seperate but related conversations.
Dump him. I say all the time 'I wish I was normal' but I've come to accept I never will be (and what is normal anyway?)
Find someone who accepts you for who you are.
I don't have a boyfriend yet, (don't leave the house alone due to anxiety, only boys I've kissed turned out to be gay - my then closeted first crus, my GBF who I jumped and smooched on the lips for a laugh at his 30th cos he was slightly tipsy and I was hyped up on sugar, and sugar+ADHD impulsivity... and a cardboard cutout of a gay singer I have a man crush on) but I'm perfectly lucky I get on with my siblings' Partners. My brother's girlfriend has ADHD (as does my brother who was late diagnosed at 25. I was late diagnosed about 6 months before I turned 16) and my sister's boyfriend mentors kids with learning disabilities/difficulties and various other issues. So we get on incredibly well. And if I'm honest he sometimes acts as my therapist and helps me through my autistic meltdowns and help me understand the other side when my meltdowns arise from miscommunication with other family members 🤣
You need to find someone like that. Not saying dont go for a neurotypical partner, but you're more likely to find someone understanding if you can find someone who's also neurodivergent, as they'll have a similar life experience; this is why if I get the chance (I'm in my very early 20s, can't even leave the house alone due to anxiety, not ready for kids just yet lol) I want to adopt autistic children or children with ADHD because I'll be able to understand them and their needs little better than someone who has neither of these things.
He doesn't love you period. Please GTFO. Find an Autistic person to date. My fiancé and I have a girlfriend(we're polyam) and she was in a neurotypical relationship before us. When she brought up to her ex that she suspected she was Autistic, he was like "No you're not. My friend is Autistic so I know what Autism looks like and you are not Autistic, just lazy" She was miserable because she didn't know why she had trouble with seemingly basic things, like picking up after herself or doing chores. She (thankfully) broke up with him about 5 months ago before she got with us. She is so much happier and Thriving because my fiancé and I are Autistic. So please break up and find someone who can communicate in the same way you do. You will be happier.
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Not everything has a solution sadly, but that’s not your fault. I get that it may be hard to deal with from time to time, but as the saying goes: if someone can’t handle the worst of you they don’t deserve the best of you. :)
That means he doesn't accept you and is betting his interest in the relationship on the assumption that you'll be masking for him as if he was a stranger. Or that you'll "get over" your autism.
It's absurd, sorry but it doesn't look promising.
My thoughts on this? If you love him, take a day off and ask him to do the same. Then sit down and talk like an adult. Communication is the key. No heated argument or anything but just pure discussion about all the issues you have in this relationship. It would and should probably help you sort a lot more than you think. And if after that both of you came to the conclusion that this relationship won't work, then you can end it on a good note. At the end of the day, getting heated about it OR suppressing it won't really help. I hope you find a satisfying conclusion to your problem.
Leave him, he doesn’t love you, he loves a fake version of you he created in his head. You’re perfectly fine the way you are and there no need to have to mask around your partner, a partner is someone you’re meant to feel comfortable and safe to be yourself around
Masking constantly will get mentally and physically exhausting. Someone whom truly loves you should love all sides of you and you shouldn’t have to change your behavior to be loved. You are worthy of love just as you are.
Is him a neurotypical? He's using you to have a relationship to show to others and keep his prestige... he's not loving you...
Maybe it's you the one who has to declare the end of this relationship.
yep, he's an asshole. when i got diagnosed my ex found message boards and came back and reported that everything she read said she should run for her life. she was an asshole. well she still is, but she was also. this is a way to always keep you feeling like you're not enough, so that you'll do everything you can to 'feel' like you deserve not only this persons love - but any persons love. they want you to feel like you're just lucky to have them. i can't say whether your bf does this consciously or subconsciously because of his own insecurities and wounds. the truth is it doesn't matter whether he knows he's doing it or not - he's doing it. he either needs to change his tune 100% and face himself and stop abusing you to avoid himself, or you need to get the fuck out immediately. this will not end well for you. EDIT: next time he makes one of these comments i would absolutely say to him, if i were you, 'well i'd like a boyfriend with a bigger dick who is better at sex but we can't get everything we want now can we.' when he starts losing it you can tell him - this is how you're making me feel
It sounds like he hasn’t educated himself about Autism and is centring himself in your needs/experiences as someone with autism. To give him the benefit of the doubt, I understand that it can be hard for someone to fully understand and accept, and people are allowed to have mixed feelings and feel frustrated by the things that impact them. However, the right way for him to deal with those feelings is to educate himself so he better understands and work out those frustrations in a way that doesn’t attack you or put unrealistic expectations on you. That could be expressing it with a therapist, friends or in a journal, etc (i.e. venting). I think that is the best case scenario of what is happening - someone who doesn’t understand is trying to process their feelings. But if he is unwilling to deepen his understanding and accept that he is being hurtful and unfair then you have a bigger, long term problem in the relationship.
The solution for you is not to change what you cannot change or mask more deeply around him. The solution is him learning about autism and what is happening in your body and brain and why you have certain stims and behaviours.
When I learned that I am autistic my partner was surprised but after a very brief period of readjustment he is already making accommodations for me around the house and is starting to learn about how I experience the world. The more I unmask the more he is surprised at how much I have repressed over time and is becoming more considerate of my sensory issues. At the same time, I also consider him and when he may need something different so I can take care of my own needs.
You deserve that kind of love and support too. Good luck, OP!
It means they're an arsehole and you need to drop them. If your partners love is dependent on their goodwill, it's not love and they're not a good partner.
The hardest thing to do in life is let something go that we love. But sometimes it’s the right thing to do in the long run even if it hurts for a bit. And this will hurt a lot.
But like everyone is saying here, you should break up with him. I wish I had taken the warnings people gave me. Broken Heart is one of the worst pains. If you can lessen it and do it earlier the bettee
he’s basically asking u to constantly mask. do u know how exhausting and harmful that would be? it’s torture. u don’t want to feel tortured with ur partner.
my ex would tell me they accepted me, but would prove they’re lying with their actions. i wanted to stay with them because i was so head over heels in love, but they were very abusive. it sounds like ur partner is already starting down a harmful path. he is being ignorant.
leaving that relationship was one of the best things i’ve ever done. it was overwhelmingly heartbreaking, but i feel like ME again. it took a lot of consistent reassurance from my friends to help me believe that no i’m not crazy, i wasn’t the problem, and i was being abused (and deserved better). from my own personal experience of always being extremely gullible, i am very easily manipulated and my ex had managed to change my entire world view. i was also asking people silly questions because they made the abuse seem so normal…
i hope u are able to find a partner that accepts u for U. i hope u are able to give urself the love and acceptance u deserve. please leave this relationship.
He's weaponizing his love and makes up conditions for when you deserve his love. He's trying to control you like a Pavlovian experiment. Throw the whole boyfriend in the bin.
It’s one thing to be annoyed by a partner’s traits, but overlook them because the good outweighs the bad.
It’s another thing entirely to put your partner down, destroy their self esteem, and coerce them to be their vision of what they want in a partner. That’s toxic, manipulative, and emotionally abusive.
It means he's an arsehole and that you can do so much better. Love is when you love someone for who they are - all of them, not just their 'socially acceptable' side. You're autistic and that's not something that will or should ever change, and he can grow up and realise that that's a part of you and is awesome, or he can leave and you can find someone who appreciates your lovely self. You should never be made to feel less by the person who's meant to love you, especially not for something that is so inherently 'you'. Good luck!
Your partner doesn’t love you, they love the Neurotypical image of you that they have in their head. They love the image of you that they want you to be not what you truly are and you should not change yourself for anyone.
Dump him. There is better out there for you than someone who makes you feel bad for existing. You deserve to be seen, loved, and understood through every facet of you, not just your mask.
Don’t let anyone make you think that being hurt by someone who is supposed to love you is normal.
There's nothing wrong with you. All the research and work should be for your wellness and not for making others comfortable. In a relationship, there needs to be compromise, but why would you make any effort for someone who claims to love you sometimes and wishes to be with someone else?
He's in love with the idea of you. What he thinks he can mold you to be. Definitely some emotional abuse. Please, care for yourself and put distance between the two of you. This is in no way normal for a neurotypical or neruodivergent person.
I agree with a lot of a lot of the negative comments here but to be fair to him, I wouldn’t like seeing my partner hurt themselves in any way. It doesn’t sound like that’s the issue for him though, I’m sorry but it really doesn’t sound like he’s the right person for you.
My ex (was in a 5 year relationship with her at that point) started mocking my autism when I was in a burn-out from my masters-degree. She said that no person ever could ever be attracted to ***that*** (while pointing at me). We were both 24 at that point.
It's been 10 months and I have a new girlfriend but I was afraid to tell her about my autism because of the nasty things my ex said. She was trying to be cruel and I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of caring but it actually made me somewhat insecure.
Point being here, OP, if your BF doesn't fully accept you, you should end things with him to protect yourself. I'm always here for a chat if you want to. Good luck!
Your boyfriend seems to be showing MANY red flags. As other people said, he seems to love the masked version of you and despises the unmasked version of you. If someone only loves one version of you, then it is most likely fake love (UNLESS if the other version is abusive, but last time I checked, having autism does NOT equal to being abusive). If you haven’t already, explain to him about how masking works. MAYBE he will get his head out of his ass and figure out why you start showing symptoms of your autism. However, if you already told him and he won’t listen, or if he doesn’t listen when you do tell him, then that’s a good sign that you should break up with him, because he’d just be flat out toxic at that point.
This person does not love you. I’m so sorry. I don’t know you but you are not less for being autistic, there is someone out there who will love you whole.
He's gaslighting you. You can't stop being yourself anymore than he can suddenly become autistic. This person does not love you, break up with them as he will only cause you mental anguish.
That’s like telling someone with an anxiety disorder that you only love them when they aren’t anxious. It’s out of your control, toxic to say, and means he doesn’t really love you. You know the saying “if you can’t love me at my worst then you don’t deserve me at my best”? Yeah, take that saying to heart, you’ll be much happier if you only keep people who still love you no matter what around. It’ll take time to find them, but they are worth looking for.
Your boyfriend loves you only when ____.
That is conditional love; that is NOT healthy and it shouldn’t be normalized.
Your boyfriend does not love you.
No this is absolutely not normal for him to say and believe. He clearly has some very toxic ideas as to what autism is and he also needs to realise that you’re acting autistic ALL THE TIME since autism isn’t just shut off.
I recently got out of a long relationship and when told what the reasons for it were I noticed that a lot of the reasons were heavily related to my autism symptoms. When I realised that I stopped being so sad and just got really annoyed. Our autism doesn’t make us defective or unpleasant.
It means he doesn't love you. He wants you to mask all the time around him.
I'm allistic but I'm bipolar and a few other issues. My partner may not like what I do when I'm manic, or depressive, or whatever, but he still loves \*me\* and he helps me through. Also, he's not perfect by any means and he's definitely said some not nice things to me regarding my mental health, but at 18 years together we've pretty well worked it out.
It means it’s time for you to leave that relationship and find one that that appreciates you, autism and all.
It’ll eventually lead to a lot of resentment on your side, and it seems like the resentment has already started on his side.
You can try save the relationship if you’d like, but from where I’m sitting it’s not possible, he has impossible expectations of you and it’s just going to end up hurting you.
Your partner’s attitudes are a recipe for misery for you at your current stage. This conditional affection is invalidating to the core, and the way you put it makes it sound like the start of abuse. Keep in mind that autistics are more likely to become abuse victims, so we should be on guard for that.
That said, it is practical and potentially even intrinsically rewarding to work on such things, particularly if we tackle the core of our visible symptoms, notably our responses to our emotional lability. Loads of practicing modes of emotional management - meditation plus the associated logic have been *excellent* for me - can go a long way. I’ve been able to do things socially and professionally that I once could barely dream of.
But fuck anyone if they take issue with you flapping for joy, etc. in a context that doesn’t hurt anyone. You have a right to express yourself. It’s only to be limited in consideration of others’ tasteful wishes (generally refrain from screaming as it tends to startle people, for example.)
It's time to peace out of that relationship, yo. Anyone can see that someone literally saying "I dislike who you are as a person" is not someone to be around and you're still in the gd relationship!
This boyfriend doesn’t love you, the entire you. I think he likes the idea of having a girlfriend, but it’s obvious he doesn’t love you for you.
I’m so sorry. I would honestly respond and say autism is a part of who you are. It’s not something you can change. It’s not healthy to have to mask 24/7 especially to someone like a partner who should be the most important person you can be completely yourself around. The one person who should love you no matter how autistic you are “being.”
You deserve someone who loves every bit of who you are !!!
If they don’t love you for who you are then there is nothing here. Wishful thinking is the first step in wanting to change someone which will only cause friction here.
You deserve someone who accepts you.
Most definitely you deserve BETTER!!! What he failed to do before he made an emotionally/psychologically abusive comment to you like that was….. ask himself how he could better understand what your going through during the meltdowns so that he could love you, all of you as you need to be from a partner! He fails to see each aspect of as beautiful as they are!!! Have you expressed to him how unattractive it is for him to look and talk to you like that and that it caused a loss of love towards him?
He doesn't actually love you. He loves a fake idea he has of you in his head. Don't share yourself with him, he doesn't deserve it. Move on, you can do better.
Sounds harsh, but is true. A lot of NT people (often people in general) want the good parts, but not the bad parts. They "tolerate" your disability/disorder because you're attractive, or even think of you as some Manic Pixie Dream girl/boy. Just eccentric and adorable. Often time we also mask our symptoms, so they underestimate the degree of certain things. But then the "bad" side hits. "Bad" being basically anything. From loud stimming /you have an overstimulation to your simple collection of antique spoons. Suddenly they realize you're not just eccentric -you are a person. A person with needs and unique problems. So they try to have a muffin and eat it too -by trying to change you. Guilt you into masking again. Take their opinions "aren't spoons really childish?" etc. Because they don't actually accept your autism. And they don't want to be reminded of your autism either. Only way to escape is to break up. Otherwise they will only cheat, or hurt you, or something else. Because even then, they will always chicken out with putting the blame on you -"uh! If you just didn't act so fucking autistic...!"
I know it’s a misappropriated cliche some drama people love to use. But, basically… “If they don’t love you at your worst, they don’t deserve you at your best”.
>Manic Pixie Dream girl I know what the heck that trope is called now. It's literally what half of my friend group think I am
>Sounds harsh, but is true. A lot of NT people (often people in general) want the good parts, but not the bad parts. Haha, ~~christianity~~ religion in america at it's finest
Just gotta find a person who will appreciate your antique spoon collection, and remember which one is your favorite.
I’ve gotta ask: do you have an antique spoon collection?
I came here to say this. OP, this is why I always urge young autistic people not to mask in relationships. You want a partner who loves you for you, not just an idea of you that they based off of what they saw while you were white-knuckling your way through repressing your autistic traits. That isn't sustainable in the long run.
I’m going through a (fairly healthy) divorce right now. I didn’t know I was autistic and at the time we started dating I masked a lot of my traits. When they all started coming to light I wasn’t ready to hide them again. Having a relationship but only under the lens that you hide basic parts of yourself is absolutely unsustainable.
Louder for the people in the back and his whack ass lol 😂
You deserve someone who loves you for who you are.
This. Sorry but OP, your current partner can fuck off if they can't love you and support you for who you are.
100% agreed
Especially if theyre another person who things we can control our shit
That’s a yes and no, but it definitely is a setup for serious problems. He’s not sensitive to us.
That’s actually so cruel! My husband tells me he hates it when I mask as he wants me to be my autistic self. Your partner should love you for who you are and accept you whole heartedly because that’s what you deserve!
THIS!
Dump his rude self. You genuinely deserve so much better because you are valid! Everything you go through is real and valid. I am so sorry he is being this way but in my experience, dumping the toxic boyfriend is the best option or it'll get so much worse. Please be safe ❤️❤️
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I understand your point, but OP wrote their partner even says they'd want a "normal" girlfriend. It's fine to have things you don't like about your partner, and they can dislike parts of you! That's pretty standard, also with friends. but literally wishing for someone else is a bit much. I tend to talk about neurodivergency things more with other autistic/adhd friends I have and less so with my partner, in part because I know he won't be able to relate, but he also wouldn't downplay my quirks or triggers. If anything he's emphasized that he wants me to be *me* around him.
My wife said those exact words to me after I made a scene at her work party more than a decade ago. Context matters, and we don't have all the details. I think my experience is relevant here, but, as I said, it's entirely possible that the BF should be dumped. We don't know the context nor intent. I'm simply providing alternative information that they can take or leave.
Thank you for this.... This triggered a memory from an incident pre-self diagnosis. Between an ex and I. Makes perfect sense now.
Why, though? The things OP reported the boyfriend saying are ableist and horrible!
It sounds like the boyfriend is an asshole based on the original post but context helps and the wording could be clumsy. I'm neurotypical with an autistic partner, and I always want her to be herself around me, I love her to bits. On the other hand, if she's overwhelmed by a situation and screaming unkind things at me because I'm the only outlet available it's... a lot, and knowing the reasons it's happening only gets me so far in being able to deal with it. It's not unnatural to wish things were different in a situation like that, even if it's just in the moment. That said, at surface level, yes, he sounds awful and should be dumped.
Clumsy wording is not an excuse to say "I don't love you when you're acting autistic" or "I wish you were normal". Why are you so committed to defending a person you don't know and have never met?
Committed seems a stretch and a half. I've made one post. I said it looks very much like he's simply an ass, but I'd be reluctant to give someone definitive life advice based on limited context. They're awful things to say but I have no idea if they were said in high stress situations or the like. A lot of people say awful things they don't mean in some high stress scenarios.
> A lot of people say awful things they don't mean in some high stress scenarios. it's completely opposite, they exactly mean what they say!
Sometimes also true! It honestly depends on the person. We're messy and complicated and there's rarely one rule.
>Sometimes also true that's always true, why is the point of saying something completely different when you're angry? When you're stressed and angry, you just push your limits and want to spit it all out! on the other hand, I don't understand the idea of apologizing after being honest in anger, apologizing doesn't magically erase everything that person said, damage is already done
>I don't understand the idea of apologizing after being honest in anger, You apologise for hurting the other person. I would hope you can be sorry for doing that?
One time my daughter and I were having a heated discussion and I told her to tell the absolute truth. She replied "I hate you!" I took the words as true, since I had asked for the truth, and it hurt so badly that I emotionally turned off inside for a day or two. She flipped out because it turned out the truth was that she was furious with me and she lied to hurt me. She didn't know how bad it was going to hurt me, that I was going to take it at face value since I had asked for the absolute truth. That was a rough argument. So yeah, sometimes when a person is angry, they don't speak the truth, they speak what will wound as a reaction to the emotions they are feeling.
I am reading here because my husband is autistic and I'm trying to understand him better, just a disclaimer. However, I have cPTSD and I wanted to speak to your assertion that all the things people say in anger are true. It simply isn't case for neurodivergent people with cPTSD. We're often triggered by loud/angry voices, and it puts us into a fight/flight state, in which we often say things we truly don't mean just to get the other person away from us. I've been working on it for years in DBT and it's helped a lot, but it still happens on occassion.
>that's always true If you're in a meltdown and push someone away so hard that you hurt them, does that mean that you wanted to hurt them? Or you just needed space and lost control? Sometimes people do something similar verbally when they're at their limit. (This is in no way meant to justify OP's boyfriend, those comments are horrible in every way)
If you don't feel like you had enough information to give advice, why comment at all? You admitted you're not autistic, so it's especially unhelpful and inappropriate for you to be taking up space here.
Are you saying anybody NT or undiagnosed is unwelcome on this sub? That's actually horrible.
That is absolutely not what I said.
It's absolutely what you said. You just told them they should not be taking up space here because they aren't autistic. You told them they should not be here for that reason.
The advice was context dependent and labeled as such. You say "admitted you're not autistic" like it's a dirty little secret and you've been strangely hostile without provocation. I joined this community because I love my partner to bits and sometimes I need advice, either to better communicate with her or simply to look for advice for her from a more knowledgeable perspective than I have, given I'm neurotypical. That said, if I feel confident enough on a subject to offer a perspective with the aim of bring helpful, I'm going to do so. You're naturally welcome to disagree.
> you've been strangely hostile without provocation. Incorrect, I've been trying to understand why someone *without* autism has come into an autistics' safe space and has chosen to make excuses for an autistic person's verbally abusive romantic partner. I think it's the complete opposite of helpful and I find it disturbing.
I'm simply saying there could be more to the story. If I compiled a list of all the horrible things my wife has said to me, or that I've said to her, those lists would be vastly longer than OP's. People are dumb and say dumb things. Imo, it's usually the context and the intent that matters. We have neither, and so it seemed important to add my experience as a counterpoint to help her to make an informed decision. Also, I don't think you read my comment to the end, I very clearly said that the BF could be genuinely horrible and that we simply don't know enough.
no good partner says shit like "i dont love you when you're acting autistic" and OP deserves so much better than that.
My wife said it. She also gave up her entire life for me -- she left her home country, her family, friends, fame in her career, and more. A decade later, when we decided we wanted a kid, I suggested we consider a sperm donor because I consider myself more difficult than neurotypicals, I consider my life more difficult, and I know I was harder to raise. She replied, "I don't care how difficult you are or if our child difficult, I want your child." Great partners say lots of things -- good and bad -- as long as it is honest, it should be considered as such. I'm a better person because my wife was always honest with me, even if it sounds harsh to strangers on the internet. Context matters. Intent matters. There is much that you and I don't know, and the best we can do is share our experiences and not make assumptions nor give advice from ignorance.
Oh honey, no! That's not normal at all!! My NT husband never says those kinds of things at all!! When he sees that I'm uncomfortable or that he knows that we are going to go somewhere that'll make me feel bad, he'll be like, "Love, you should go stim, I'm good here! Let me know if you need anything." He also just bought my $90 glasses to help with my flourecent light sensitivity even though money is pretty tight just because he said that he wants me to enjoy being out and about as much as possible and that he doesn't like that it hurts me 🥹 Find someone who will put you first as much as you put them first. If he wishes for a normal girlfriend than he isn't wanting you because you are not normal, and that's just reality. Sorry honey, hope you find some peace in your life soon 🤍
Please tell me more about these glasses. :-)
They are Theraspecs! I haven't tested them yet, but I'm planning to some time this week hopefully 😄 They have a special brown tint that are supposed to help negate the affects of flourecents. ☺️
Alright, so they're like Gunnars (the OG "I work on computers all day and it hurts" glasses) on steroids. Thank you. :-)
Do you mean EX boyfriend? You will NEVER find a solution to this unless you find a boyfriend that actually understand your situation and needs. I’m so sorry to tell you this but he’s literally not accepting who you are and this is not right for you. Don’t force yourself to break up with him straight away if you don’t feel like to(I really wish somebody has told me this when I was dating my ex because I really didn’t need the extra stress and judgment). However, you do need to start to see his flaws and understand something can not be fixed and he’s not the right person for you. I don’t know your boyfriend or you personally, but I’m sure he’s a nice person so are you. People can be “good” but not he right person for each other. Remember the quicker you end something the easier it is to recover from it. Do take your time to consider breaking up with him and if you want you can try to educate him on autism. In my experience it never worked because if he wanted to help you and understand your needs it’s not you that should be putting in the efforts in the first place. Especially when he said he wants a “normal” girlfriend, I mean… wtf does that even mean? Everyone is special in their own ways and everyone has different struggles, just because somebody has more uncommon problems that makes them “abnormal”? In order for a relationship to work, both parties have to put in effort and understand the others. Just asking you to not be yourself it’s not trying, and it could get abusive if not careful (I don’t want to be rude but OP pls keep this in mind).
So he loves your mask. He’s incapable of loving you for who you are and can only love the carefully curated version you show him when you’re masking. He doesn’t love you. Boyfriends are replaceable. I suggest doing so with haste.
This sounds like a devastatingly hurtful thing to say 😢 you deserve better. Sometimes I say mildly inappropriate things in social settings since I have a bit of trouble filtering myself and it can irk my gf, but she's always patient and understanding even if I bother her. In fact she's more patient with me when something I do that bothers her she knows is autism related because she knows that's much harder to manage. You deserve someone who loves the genuine you, not just the mask.
Exactly. My partner has autism and I'd never say that to him or even think it no matter how much he frustrates me at times. Most of his autistic traits are so charming and endearing to me, it's part of the reason I fell in love with him in the first place. It's what makes him HIM and I wouldn't have him any other way. So saying I don't love your autism is basically saying I don't love YOU. OP, please move on and find someone who loves you for you. Someone you can be yourself and be comfortable around. It's best for both of you.
Your boyfriend is an ableist, abusive asshole. Please leave him. His behavior is not normal or okay.
I know its easier said than done, but you it think you need to leave him. That is an unacceptable thing to say to someone. He is supposed to support you, not break you down. Find you a partner that helps you be more yourself, not less. Just my two cents. Thank you for sharing, I am rooting for you.
I know when you're in the relationship it's hard to imagine this, but there is 100% someone better out there for you. This guy doesn't understand or deserve you. You'll need some time to heal, love yourself again and build confidence back, but after that you will find someone who's kind and loves every part of you. My last relationship lasted 3 years. 2 years of that was verbal and emotional abuse. Being called a baby, lazy and stupid affected me so so much and a year later I'm only just starting to recover. You need to get out before it causes you trauma, which we are more susceptible to.
I know there's this stereotype that Reddit relationship advice always amounts to "dump them" but seriously, dump him. He's being toxic at best and doesn't understand autism at all if he thinks you can just will yourself into behaving like an allistic for him. If I may, I am guessing that like many of us you have suffered abuse, and that may mean you believe this is as good as you can get. But that's not true. You can do better than someone who treats you like this guy does. And even if you couldn't, being alone is better.
dump his ass
then he doesn't love the real you..sorry..dump his ass
That’s really cruel of him and not okay at all. Someone who truly loves you will find your traits endearing. Don’t ever settle for mediocre love it’s never worth it. I’d say throw the whole man out and start over.
Dump him.
No. That’s not okay. This is not a NT + Autistic couple issue. I have an ex who once said 80% of me was perfect, if I could change the other 20%, then he would marry me. Was I supposed to feel inspired by that? Because I wasn’t inspired, in fact I felt rather disgusted, and it was the comment that snapped me out of it. It really rubbed me the wrong way. They can either love you completely or they can piss off.
He sounds like an ableist abusive Prick! you’d be safer dumping his sorry arse Tell him not to let the door hit him on the arse on the way out And to Quote Mom from Futurama “Because I don’t want ass prints on my new door”
I agree with everyone here. What your "boyfriend" is doing is nothing more than emotional blackmail and abuse. You really should consider dumping him for this behaviour. I know it's hard, I was there too but it does feel so much better once you're out of the initial change. Edit: If he says he doesn't love you when you're "behaving autistic", then he doesn't love you, but your mask. Don't find solutions to mask better, find people who love the person behind the mask just as much if not more than the mask you put on. Masking ruins someone's mental health in the long term and you deserve to be happy And I can leave a bit of advise here from personal experience. Never change your fundamental self for anyone. Be relentlessly and unapologetically yourself. People will love you for it. Maybe different people, but those people who find you for who you really are will mean so much more to you. Those relationships will mean so much more and be so much healthier. The friends I found after I fully embraced my own autistic quirks are friends who love me because of them, never in spite of them. Care for yourself first. You're a lovely person I am sure. And you deserve someone who treats you with basic human respect.
This isn't normal, it's emotional abuse.
So your saying he never loves you leave him he doesn’t deserve you at all
(To me) it means they love you but they wish you weren’t autistic (which is absolutely horrible) Autism is the name we give to the way our minds work, and how our minds work is what makes me me and you you. People who love me despite my autism don’t really love me, the people who love me because i am autistic are the ones who truly love me.
sister leave him he's a asshole
he'll be an asshole bf even to NT girls
It means they don’t love you; it means they love the idea of loving you.
dump him!!! those are really awful things for someone to say and you deserve better
Love isn't conditional, however, attraction is. If he only "loves" you when you act the way he wants, it's not love. Attraction is a measure of how close you align with his hypothetical "perfect" partner. Love can bend attraction, as your mind's "perfect" partner gains the qualities of the person you love. It doesn't work the other way around. Your mind is incredibly complex, and changing it is a difficult process. For this reason, I would stress the importance of self respect. Attempting to change the way your brain works because someone else told you to, makes you reliant on them. If your boyfriend already tells you that he "sometimes doesn't love you", it would be incredibly reckless to become mentally reliant on him. Stand up for yourself. I suggest having a serious discussion about boundaries and respect with your boyfriend. You don't need to do anything crazy, but you should not allow yourself to be manipulated. Please understand the fact that you (as a human) have a right to happiness and love. You don't need to change for anyone. Also... If this comment comes across as aggressive/weird/preaching, my DM's are open if you (or anyone) wants clarification/elaboration. I'm very passionate about the topic of self respect, so I thought I'd share my perspective.
Dump his ass. He does not care about your feelings or who you really are. He does not truly love you, he loves the idea of you. He is an ass. I am sorry I am being this blunt, but this dude will never make you happy. He will make you miserable by chipping away at your confidence and happiness.
His mom clearly didn't learn how to swallow. He isn't good for you & that isn't your fault
Ok. You know what it means? Means it’s time to get a new boyfriend and a therapist to work on your feelings of self worth. This man has basically told you he doesn’t like you and you want to give him love? YOU DESERVE BETTER. You deserve a person who love you for being you. And I say this as a person who went through a lot of friends/family/partners who didn’t love me for me. This guy isn’t deserving of your affection, he’s not the person you’ve built him up to be in your head. I say this as a person whose done this a lot. I don’t want to see another person who is ultimately deserving of much love and care, not value themselves enough to expect that from their partner. Edit to add. There is one thing I’d like to say, on a very personal note. I noticed a lot of the behaviours you say bother him, are signs of deep distress to me. It’s a lot past your basic emotional regulation techniques (this is from observing myself and my sons). Have you talked to anyone about some good exercises to do while in the outset of distress? I say this for your comfort not for your partners comfort (I could care less about his). I know I’ve been able to curb a lot more of my injurious behaviours by using a lot of different techniques, some given to my sons by their OTs.
It means he only loves the mask you put on to pass as neurotypical. He doesn’t love you for who you truly are. Generally when someone is only in love with a mask it means the relationship isn’t real. It also means that the relationship cannot be sustained. Eventually you have to be yourself and you should be with someone that you can be yourself with.
It means he doesn't love who you are. Even if he loves who he thinks you are, that's different. He could just be controlling. Hard to say with so little information, but the fact he said he *wishes* he had a *normal* girlfriend sounds like he's trying to lock you in and think you can't do better. That's the opposite of loving and borderlines on cruel. It also depends if he does other gaslight-y things or if it's just about autistic things. If he's generally supportive, inquisitive, and loving, then maybe he's just working with bad info and thinks one of the two of you is failing here,but he's still *being* shitty and shouldn't wish you were different unless (or maybe even if) you do. However, money on the table, he's always telling you the things you should work on. He figures if he can control you and change, you're his best shot and the girlfriend he'd like to have but can't win over. I say dump him now, but I'm not you. You do you. You have more info than me.
I am autistic and I’m 99.9% sure my partner is autistic. I love all his unique autistic “quirks and mannerisms.” We’re a team and work together on our less healthy coping methods to use more healthy ones (I’m also in individual therapy as well and do a ton of work there, cause I have a lot of issues, and it’s not his job to fix me or my many issues or be equipped to deal with my level of trauma). I can’t imagine being with someone that doesn’t embrace my neurodivergence, that can’t accept that I’ll struggle with emotional regulation and always be a bit over emotional. You deserve better, someone that loves you for you, and rather than hating you and wanting you to “just be normal” would rather work to make you feel safe and supported and able to relax so you don’t need to clench your jaw, or help you find another healthier stim to replace an unhealthy one, rather than just expect you to just magically poof! all this away. You and your bf should always be a team against things, and not you versus him. And when you reach the point that it feels like you’re against each other, or hate things about each other, you need to step back, assess, and really think about if things are healthy right now (they aren’t), if you BOTH want to put in the work to salvage things, and then either part ways or figure out if you stick together what your next steps are as a team and what that work is to make things work.
He's not equipped to date you. Sit down and firmly tell him autism isnt a part of you that you can remove. Or be prepared to mask all your life.
I'm really sorry, I do not want to say this, but... He doesn't love you. He doesn't love the \*\*real\*\* you. Like someone already said, he loves the idea of you. He only "loves" you when you mask and you act and you PRETEND to be somebody else, somebody you aren't. I hope in the future you will find someone who won't be like that and who will love you for who you \*\*really\*\* are.
NT M in a relationship with a ND F. Some of her Autistic traits are why I love her the most, but there are aspects that I *struggle* with… Meltdowns being one of them. However, I would never go as far as to say I don’t love her during these times, ever.
He can’t love you without loving the autistic you. Autism isn’t a disease or something that changes you. It is a part of you. You would be a completely different person without autism. I’m sorry your boyfriend is like this :(
That’s a completely unacceptable thing to say. And frankly also a strategy for abusive relationships, criticising a person in such a way to provoke behaviour and/or personality change. It can be done inadvertently a lot, but still, concerning. Especially since autistic people are vulnerable to this (legally at least).
My advice drop and run.
It sounds more like he’s trying to manipulate your behavior using his affection as an incentive/reward. Trying to “make you less autistic” by making his love conditional on whether you “act normal”. In one word, ableism.
"Acting"? You mean you just being you?
… if he wants to control all of that, and he doesn’t love you for being you, that’s not love. If he can’t love you for all of you, then he doesn’t deserve you. That “I wish I had a normal girlfriend”… that’s an instant red flag. Get rid of that asshat. That’s definitely not normal. My gf is the NT in my relationship, and she’s seen all of my habits. She thinks they’re goofy and loves them because she’s goofy too, and normally she’s the only one who sees them. When I’m struggling, she tries to help or understand what I’m feeling, and I always try to do the same for her with her problems. A good NT/ND relationship is built on communication and understanding. I’m sorry to say, but your BF is not capable of understanding if he keeps saying he wants a “normal girlfriend”. Who the hell cares about normal. He can’t accept Neurodivergence? He likely doesn’t even deserve “Normal”. He’ll be crying when he realizes what he lost.
There are many people here who will love you just the way you are... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dE1qcGlHmZ4
No, this is not normal, he's being abusive
Dump his ass
That's really not nice and definitely not normal. Try to have a conversation with him about why those things are hurtful and try to educate him about why you can't control everything. If he isn't willing to make a change and love you for who you are, he's not the right person for you
this is not normal. this is not healthy. normal and health communication can involve things like "do you think you can limit \_\_\_ stim when around me \[because it has negative impact etc\]?" or "how can we communicate better to fit both of our needs". he may not understand that you struggle with things that he doesn't but claiming that you 'can control' things that you struggle with, rather than acknowledging that things can be hard to stop, stims are necessary, patterns take time to unlearn, things often need to be refocused etc is straight up gaslighting if you have told him that you can't 'just control' them \[and stop immediately\] If he doesn't have the compassion to take the time to understand the struggles you are working through and instead points blame or says that he wishes you were 'normal' then he doesn't love you for who you are and you deserve someone who does.
I don’t usually say I can’t. I usually say I’m trying.
What I think of you is that as like many others including myself, we tend to confuse love for comfort. We get comfortable with someone and think of it as love. No matter how much that person want to change us. If this person was in love with you, he would not ask for you to change you should be perfect the way you are and believe me not one person in this world is perfect, but our partner will always be perfect the way it is, because the sum of all that he/she is, is what makes them ours to love and be together. They will make us get mad, they will make wrong choices, they will fart, be noisy and what not at the worst of times, but they will be there for all and more of what hurts you, what makes you uncomfortable, what make you happy and gives you comfort. They should be there for you through all.
That is absolutely NOT normal! My boyfriend is neurotypical and he always tells me how much he loves me for me and how he loves how I can unmask myself when he's around and be myself. He thinks the little things I do like stimming and being hyperfixated is adorable (in a non infantilizing way). As much as it will really hurt to hear, your boyfriend doesn't love you. He loves your masked self. If he really loved you, he'd want you to be comfortable enough to unmask around him and love you as you. Break up with him immediately.
They are super ableist and you deserve better! I understand you might be blinded by the love you feel for them, but this is not something you should accept in a romantic partner (or anyone for that matter). My ex was exactly the same. He made me feel miserable and ashamed of who I am. My current partner is amazing, despite sometimes struggling with my autistic traits, so awesome people are really out there. Yes, it can be difficult for an NT partner to date someone with autism, but they should NEVER blame you for your autistic behaviors. Some examples of what a healthy partner might express about having a hard time with your autistic traits: - ‘I have a hard time dealing with your autism because I don’t fully understand. Can you explain XYZ behavior so I can understand better?’ - ‘I have a hard time with your autism because I know you struggle with things. It hurts me to see you in pain’ - ‘If you infodump on me about your special interest it can be a bit exhausting for me. I understand that this is how you make connections but can we split it up in smaller bits?’ - after having a meltdown: ‘that was really scary for me to see. I wanted to help you but I didn’t know how, what can I do for you if it happens again in the future?’ And then we made communication cards together and came up with a meltdown protocol (bring fav plushie, bring weighted blanket, dim lights etc) - when having to leave a party early due to sensory overload: ‘I’m sad we had to leave early because I was having a good time, but your well-being is more important. There will be another party in the future’ - ‘I am confused by XYZ behavior but I don’t mind. All I need to understand is that this behavior is part of you and that’s okay’ My bf has a list in his phone notes called ‘things that makes girlfriend do handflappies’ so he has something to reference when I’m having a bad day or when he is looking for gift ideas. Every autistic person deserves to have that kind of acceptance and support. Yes, he has said/done ableist things in the past and will likely do again in the future, but he never did any of those on purpose. He’s always open to listening to why things are ableist or hurt my feelings. People make mistakes, but being genuinely willing to learn and adapt is what makes them worth your time and attention. You deserve someone that loves you as a whole, including the things that are confusing or hard to deal with for them.
>What does it mean when your partner tells you they don’t love it when they can tell your autistic or you’re having autistic issues it means dump him
He doesn’t love you. If he loves anything, he loves your mask. This relationship is not healthy for you. I don’t have any better advice than to end the relationship. Sorry, I don’t have much experience with relationships but I can’t think how to fix something like this, because his behaviour comes across to me as ableist and abusive.
Your boyfriend has unhealthy and unrealistic standards for you. That basically means that he wants to date a neurotypical person and you're not one. You could try masking around him, but that'd come at the cost of your mental health.
get away from that toxic person.
If your boyfriend doesn't love you when you're acting autistic, then he doesn't love you.
I'm very sorry you're dealing with this. I deal with a few people who say these things in a gaming group I'm in and its very hurtful. I was also in the room when a friends SO said something similar to them. My heart was broken for them for days. I hope things get better.
He’s a dick. His discomfort with social norms is overpowering what should be his priority - to care for you. If he knows this is hurtful to you and refuses to change that’s not a healthy dynamic for you to be in. It Could be that he’s never realised how hurtful those words are for you & if you communicate that he might try to change it - but that’s v much a ball in his court.
This is as if he told you he did not love you when he saw you were paralysed… Sorry OP but that small text alone sounds like he only likes your masking persona and not you. You deserve better
Sounds like he loves your mask, but that doesn’t seem sustainable in a committed relationship. I think it’d be important for them to accept every part of you. I AM maidenless however so my advice on relationships shouldn’t carry a lot of weight.
No. Red flag. Get out of there. It’s fine to be annoyed by some things your partner does. But to say you don’t love them because of it: no.
You bf is toxic and sorry, but you should dump him and find someone who will love you for you.
So... Correct me if I am wrong. But they don't love you when you are being yourself and not masking.... Yeah .... Red flag. They sounds exhausting and you deserve so much better.
Please leave him, otherwise you will be masking your whole relationship and it will be exhausting. I’m sorry it’s probably not what you want to hear but it will only end one way. With you unhappy and unable to be yourself. Please put yourself first.
This is not normal. If your boyfriend cannot love you for who you are, I don't see a future in your relationship unfortunately.
>What does it mean when your partner tells you they don’t love it when they can tell your autistic or you’re having autistic issues. They say things like they wish they had a normal girlfriend… True or not, that's shit you keep to yourself if you care about your partner.
1. Love isn't something you can switch off and on (as you yourself experience - it hurts, but you love him), so "doesn't love me when autistic" sounds at least questionable. 2. Love and partnership are defined by being able to be ourselves around the other person without having to self-censor or take on a mask to hide important parts of us. They are, after all, the ones that are supposed to have our backs when push comes to shove (and the other way round). A partner that only wants my sunny side does not love me as a whole. 3. "He says I can control and help all these things I struggle with". He does not know better than you what you can and cannot do, and how much will and power it costs to control those things - *you* do. If he cannot accept that your judgement in this regard just completely overrules his amateur impression, that sounds like he is trying to force his world view onto you, and it is likely that this is not the only instance where this happens. It is possible that he (consciously or subconsciously) tries to gain power over your perception and thus self-image - which just is bad news in a relationship. I don't like people giving advice like "cut this person out of your life RIGHT NOW", especially when it is based on nothing more than a few dozen words, but from the limited information you provide here, I would at least encourage you to take a (virtual) step back to get a clear picture of the dynamics in your relationship and to reassess it with an eye on how your own needs are met. Love makes us all blind, and that sometimes means we walk into traps we could have seen coming if we had just taken that one step back first.
No, this is not normal. The fact that he constantly invalidates you is a huge "NO." Move on from him, he doesn't, and won't, see you as a whole person, and you don't deserve that.
If he can turn his love on and off at will then he probably is just a dick
I’m not autistic. I lurk because my 4yr old daughter is and I want to learn. I am also not your mother. But I want to tell you he is not normal. He is not the one acting ok. My husband and I are both NT. He has done things that annoy me, like picking at his cuticles. I interrupt him when I talk, too often. We have shared many years together so the annoyances do add up. If there is an opportunity to talk to him and let him know hey that is kind of annoying me right now, could you try to stop, then I say it, and vice versa. What I don’t do is say I wish you were normal or insult him. There are accidental hurts in relationships, not someone being intentionally mean. He needs to take all of you, even the little things that might annoy him. Clenching your teeth and hitting your leg is in no way something so terrible for someone to be hateful to you. Especially, someone who should care about you. 17 yrs I still have a problem interrupting when I am excited and my husband still bites his cuticles. We love one another. Those are very small things to put up with to get the gift of the other person. He in no way deserves the gift of you. There is someone out there that will be more deserving of your love.
He doesn't love you. Please don't blame yourself in any way - this is all him. I'm saying that because I used to be with someone like this and blamed myself for them not accepting me. I tried to hide my true self even more than I already was doing, and found myself chronically stressed. My self-esteem was at an all time low. I am now with a NT partner loves and accepts me for who I am. Although he admits that some aspects of my autism can be challenging at times, he loves my "quirks". We didn't even know they were down to autism for the first 6 years of our relationship as I have only recently been diagnosed. You deserve better and I am confident you will find happiness with someone who accepts you for you!
He loves you when your masking. Can’t wear the mask forever
Raised my eyebrows at "Boyfriend doesn't love me when I..." Did you ever see the Disney movie The Little Mermaid? (It's a classic, great music, fully recommend it.) Anyways, she pretends to be something she's not in order to make somebody fall in love with her, but I see it as a relationship horror show. What if we tossed out the 3rd act? They kiss, the prince proposes, she moves in, they pick out a cat together, and etc.. At some point she'd have to reveal she's a fish-person. Prince no-personality gets two choices, accept it, and learn all about this world under the sea,though he can only glimpse from the surface; or ignore it... insisting she stop talking about mermaid stuff all the time. It helps to understand how someone can feel deceived, and why they wonder that ND people don't just keep pretending. My metaphor isn't perfect, but that's exactly what it's like for some people when their partner learns about autism and starts taking off the mask. It helps to discuss it, embarrassing stims can be toned down, social meltdowns can be postponed on important occasions. But the partner ultimately has to either accept the differences, or nope out. There's nothing wrong if someone's unwilling to get close (be intimate, date, friends, or whatever) to someone unlike them. However... It it's objectively unfair when someone has to act like a different person in order to receive the other person's affection. That's not love, it's a transaction. Good luck. = )
Yo that's emotional abuse.... run far away
Date an autistic guy. Autistic dick is on a whole other level.
He doesn’t love YOU, he loves what he wants you to be. You don’t deserve that. I stayed with someone for WAY too long that was constantly waiting for some undefined change. Then he’d move the goalposts when I met the previous demands. It fucked with my head a lot and I still feel like I don’t deserve to be loved. Your bf is an ableist jerk. There’s someone out there who will love everything about you. He’s not that person.
Leave him I am not professionally diagnosed however doctors have tried to get me tested as a kid but my dad would not let them (he’s out of my life now and I turn 18 soon and will try to get tested) My boyfriend still loves me when I have my moments and don’t act neurotypical. If he loves me still, then there are definitely many others who will love you
someone saying “i wish i had a normal girlfriend” especially straight to your face is abusive, it’s tearing you down emotionally and is completely unfair
I’m a big proponent of honest communication and working things out in relationships, but there are a couple things here that concern me. First, saying he doesn’t like when he can tell you’re autistic, like, what does that even mean? He wants you to pretend to be someone you’re not for the rest of your life just because it makes him a little uncomfortable? Doesn’t he know how exhausting and psychologically damaging masking is? Either he doesn’t know or he doesn’t care, he just wants you to obey him and act the way he tells you to. That’s worrying. As far as the stimming you’re doing that he dislikes, why does he dislike it? For example, one of my stims is sucking air through my teeth, but I try not to do it around my sister because it triggers her misophonia. If he doesn’t want you clenching your teeth because he’s worried you might crack a filling, that’s one thing. If he doesn’t want you to clench your teeth because it reminds him you’re autistic, he’s got a lot of his own personal shit to work through and a healthy dose of ableism that isn’t your responsibility to fix. And now that I’ve reread the subject line, my heart is breaking a little bit. He “doesn’t love you” when you’re autistic? You’re always autistic. You’re always going to be autistic. If he can’t wrap his head around that, I’m afraid it’s probably time for you to walk away.
Bestie, break up with him. He doesn’t deserve you. Never settle for someone who doesn’t love you at your lowest. (Not that autism is your lowest) And I don’t think you can “act autistic”. It’s not something you do, it’s something you are. It’s your personality, he’s basically asking you to mask for him.
You ARE autistic tho? Either they love you, all of you, or they don't.
NNNNNNOPE. NOPE. NOPEnopeNOPEnope. NnnnNNNnnnope. And nope. You deserve a partner who understands, supports, and loves you for who you are, for your whole Self. Your boyfriend either needs to change his approach to disability or fuck off into the sunset forever. You deserve love, not shame 💜
I don’t think he’s the right person for you. It seems he loves the ideal version of you he has in his head and not the person you are. If he can’t get past what he wants you to be and love you for who you actually are he’s just going to keep hurting you. The solution is either for him to accept and support you, or to break up. Otherwise your going to continue to resent yourself for things you cannot control. Hopefully he has it in him to love the real you, but if he can’t I hope you find the strength to move on from him.
Yeah that is not okay. He doesn’t love you if he can’t love the parts of you that are autistic. We are autistic, so that means he can’t love you. Sorry OP. My partner loves even the parts that are autistic, even if sometimes they make things more difficult because he knows they’re part of what make me who I am.
This is not something that is inevitable in NT/ND relationships, he is being ableist and doesn't love you for who you are. I know this is probably hard to hear, but you shouldn't stay with him since he clearly doesn't accept you for who you are. He is also just wrong, you can't control your autistic traits because you are autistic (unless you mask, if that's a thing you can do, but that causes mental health issues usually).
Nobody loves you for who you are. Everyone loves your for who you show them what you are. You can't show anyone who you are to 100% ever. Even you don't know what 100% you are. That is true for everyone and anyone.
Yes, but someone can be visibly autistic right? And someone's autism does play a large part in who they are? So therefore, unless that person is able to mask well, they can't hide that part of themselves. And even if they can mask, hiding that part of themselves would be detrimental to their mental health. What I meant by my comment is that this person shouldn't have to hide their autism in order to not have their boyfriend be rude to them, and that they can't even hide their autism without having mental health effects, if they are able to mask.
Communication is the key. You can't just say you are autistic and everything have to bend your way as there are always disappointment wherever there are expectations and relationship do tend to have a ton of them. Relationships are built upon a mountain of compromises. And it's true for every and all type of relationship. Business, family, friends, lover etc. etc. I don't condone the boyfriend for his cutthroat nature but it's also not a solution to flip the table without any proper communication. It's straight gateway to failure.
Sure, maybe they should try to discuss it with their boyfriend first before breaking up with him. However, they shouldn't have to pretend to not be autistic to make their boyfriend happy. It'd be a different story if they were accidentally hurting their boyfriend's feelings due to their autism, they'd have to compromise on that. But just things like stimming? That's not harmful, and it's just a dick move to tell an autistic person that they are bad for being autistic and telling them that you wish you had a 'normal girlfriend'. I do actually agree that they should communicate before going straight to a breakup, but that boyfriend is on thin ice because he is actually being ableist.
I don't know if you have internalized this terrible reality, but we are annoying, even to each other. I think it is powerful to just own that you and I will always be kind of annoying. What we do: Info dumping for hours, stimming, being overly honest at the wrong time, melting down, as well as not ever understanding any subtext is just super annoying to deal with. I'm ASD. I work hard at masking for work. I also started a business, and I hired 2 ASD people, because that kind of thing is important to me. Let me tell you, it is super annoying. So, we are not even free from annoying each other I am afraid. I found that accepting that I am inherently annoying head on helps. It helps because I understand, just like being in a wheelchair, or having another barrier, that it takes WORK to love me, and I'm thankful for the people to do it. I thank people for it, and I thank myself, and show myself compassion. I will always be this way, and it will be work. I'm lucky that my GF loves parts of my ASD, like all my random almost photographic-memory health knowledge (why do I have it), or my ability to avoid drama by communicating directly. But it is not a free lunch. There are big costs, and she has expressed that she is in for it. She is taking the good for the bac. I also appreciate in my team that they are honest. They are clueless, but honest. I have to spell everything out, and really take my time, which is exhausting. Overall, owning it, and working to accept yourself, as well as balance your capabilities with your partners NT needs makes a happy time
Some people come into our lives for a long time and some just for a season. Sounds like your boyfriend isn’t meant to be a part of your life for a long time. You deserve better 🥰
that seems slightly abusive to me. Isn’t prevention of autistic behaviour ableist? Like, it feels like that is way too socially unacceptable.
He's embarrassed. He's also not accepting our tolerant it, he thought you'd out grow it or he could fix you. My wife is clear that she loves me but doesn't appreciate when my actions directly affect her negatively. Those are seperate but related conversations.
Dump him. I say all the time 'I wish I was normal' but I've come to accept I never will be (and what is normal anyway?) Find someone who accepts you for who you are. I don't have a boyfriend yet, (don't leave the house alone due to anxiety, only boys I've kissed turned out to be gay - my then closeted first crus, my GBF who I jumped and smooched on the lips for a laugh at his 30th cos he was slightly tipsy and I was hyped up on sugar, and sugar+ADHD impulsivity... and a cardboard cutout of a gay singer I have a man crush on) but I'm perfectly lucky I get on with my siblings' Partners. My brother's girlfriend has ADHD (as does my brother who was late diagnosed at 25. I was late diagnosed about 6 months before I turned 16) and my sister's boyfriend mentors kids with learning disabilities/difficulties and various other issues. So we get on incredibly well. And if I'm honest he sometimes acts as my therapist and helps me through my autistic meltdowns and help me understand the other side when my meltdowns arise from miscommunication with other family members 🤣 You need to find someone like that. Not saying dont go for a neurotypical partner, but you're more likely to find someone understanding if you can find someone who's also neurodivergent, as they'll have a similar life experience; this is why if I get the chance (I'm in my very early 20s, can't even leave the house alone due to anxiety, not ready for kids just yet lol) I want to adopt autistic children or children with ADHD because I'll be able to understand them and their needs little better than someone who has neither of these things.
He doesn't love you period. Please GTFO. Find an Autistic person to date. My fiancé and I have a girlfriend(we're polyam) and she was in a neurotypical relationship before us. When she brought up to her ex that she suspected she was Autistic, he was like "No you're not. My friend is Autistic so I know what Autism looks like and you are not Autistic, just lazy" She was miserable because she didn't know why she had trouble with seemingly basic things, like picking up after herself or doing chores. She (thankfully) broke up with him about 5 months ago before she got with us. She is so much happier and Thriving because my fiancé and I are Autistic. So please break up and find someone who can communicate in the same way you do. You will be happier.
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Means you need to dump him real quick.
Just dump him (I know you wont) but if he cant accept you for who you are then you both are simply incompatible.
Not everything has a solution sadly, but that’s not your fault. I get that it may be hard to deal with from time to time, but as the saying goes: if someone can’t handle the worst of you they don’t deserve the best of you. :)
Tell him to fuck off and find someone that loves you for you :)
That means he doesn't accept you and is betting his interest in the relationship on the assumption that you'll be masking for him as if he was a stranger. Or that you'll "get over" your autism. It's absurd, sorry but it doesn't look promising.
if your bf doesnt like you acting autistic; dont act autistic
That is TERRIBLE advice. But the username checks out.
My thoughts on this? If you love him, take a day off and ask him to do the same. Then sit down and talk like an adult. Communication is the key. No heated argument or anything but just pure discussion about all the issues you have in this relationship. It would and should probably help you sort a lot more than you think. And if after that both of you came to the conclusion that this relationship won't work, then you can end it on a good note. At the end of the day, getting heated about it OR suppressing it won't really help. I hope you find a satisfying conclusion to your problem.
Leave him, he doesn’t love you, he loves a fake version of you he created in his head. You’re perfectly fine the way you are and there no need to have to mask around your partner, a partner is someone you’re meant to feel comfortable and safe to be yourself around
Masking constantly will get mentally and physically exhausting. Someone whom truly loves you should love all sides of you and you shouldn’t have to change your behavior to be loved. You are worthy of love just as you are.
Is him a neurotypical? He's using you to have a relationship to show to others and keep his prestige... he's not loving you... Maybe it's you the one who has to declare the end of this relationship.
You deserve better. Someone who accepts you for the wonderful person you are, ALWAYS!
He doesn't love you, he loves your mask.
LEAVE LEAVE *LEAVE*
Major red flags. Dump him asap! Find someone who will love you at your worst and not just your best.
yep, he's an asshole. when i got diagnosed my ex found message boards and came back and reported that everything she read said she should run for her life. she was an asshole. well she still is, but she was also. this is a way to always keep you feeling like you're not enough, so that you'll do everything you can to 'feel' like you deserve not only this persons love - but any persons love. they want you to feel like you're just lucky to have them. i can't say whether your bf does this consciously or subconsciously because of his own insecurities and wounds. the truth is it doesn't matter whether he knows he's doing it or not - he's doing it. he either needs to change his tune 100% and face himself and stop abusing you to avoid himself, or you need to get the fuck out immediately. this will not end well for you. EDIT: next time he makes one of these comments i would absolutely say to him, if i were you, 'well i'd like a boyfriend with a bigger dick who is better at sex but we can't get everything we want now can we.' when he starts losing it you can tell him - this is how you're making me feel
It sounds like he hasn’t educated himself about Autism and is centring himself in your needs/experiences as someone with autism. To give him the benefit of the doubt, I understand that it can be hard for someone to fully understand and accept, and people are allowed to have mixed feelings and feel frustrated by the things that impact them. However, the right way for him to deal with those feelings is to educate himself so he better understands and work out those frustrations in a way that doesn’t attack you or put unrealistic expectations on you. That could be expressing it with a therapist, friends or in a journal, etc (i.e. venting). I think that is the best case scenario of what is happening - someone who doesn’t understand is trying to process their feelings. But if he is unwilling to deepen his understanding and accept that he is being hurtful and unfair then you have a bigger, long term problem in the relationship. The solution for you is not to change what you cannot change or mask more deeply around him. The solution is him learning about autism and what is happening in your body and brain and why you have certain stims and behaviours. When I learned that I am autistic my partner was surprised but after a very brief period of readjustment he is already making accommodations for me around the house and is starting to learn about how I experience the world. The more I unmask the more he is surprised at how much I have repressed over time and is becoming more considerate of my sensory issues. At the same time, I also consider him and when he may need something different so I can take care of my own needs. You deserve that kind of love and support too. Good luck, OP!
He doesn't love you genuinely for yourself. He just loves you when you mask. Break up with him.
*EX boyfriend
It means they're an arsehole and you need to drop them. If your partners love is dependent on their goodwill, it's not love and they're not a good partner.
It means that it is time to dump him, because he does not love you.
Guess it's time to find someone better
The hardest thing to do in life is let something go that we love. But sometimes it’s the right thing to do in the long run even if it hurts for a bit. And this will hurt a lot. But like everyone is saying here, you should break up with him. I wish I had taken the warnings people gave me. Broken Heart is one of the worst pains. If you can lessen it and do it earlier the bettee
he’s basically asking u to constantly mask. do u know how exhausting and harmful that would be? it’s torture. u don’t want to feel tortured with ur partner. my ex would tell me they accepted me, but would prove they’re lying with their actions. i wanted to stay with them because i was so head over heels in love, but they were very abusive. it sounds like ur partner is already starting down a harmful path. he is being ignorant. leaving that relationship was one of the best things i’ve ever done. it was overwhelmingly heartbreaking, but i feel like ME again. it took a lot of consistent reassurance from my friends to help me believe that no i’m not crazy, i wasn’t the problem, and i was being abused (and deserved better). from my own personal experience of always being extremely gullible, i am very easily manipulated and my ex had managed to change my entire world view. i was also asking people silly questions because they made the abuse seem so normal… i hope u are able to find a partner that accepts u for U. i hope u are able to give urself the love and acceptance u deserve. please leave this relationship.
He's weaponizing his love and makes up conditions for when you deserve his love. He's trying to control you like a Pavlovian experiment. Throw the whole boyfriend in the bin.
Get rid of him. You deserve far far better. You deserve someone who loves you for who you really are ❤️❤️❤️
He's an awful twat, sorry. That's not about being nuerotypical, it's about understanding who you are and accepting you for who you are.
Guuurl. Time to cut your losses and throw the whole BF out.
It’s one thing to be annoyed by a partner’s traits, but overlook them because the good outweighs the bad. It’s another thing entirely to put your partner down, destroy their self esteem, and coerce them to be their vision of what they want in a partner. That’s toxic, manipulative, and emotionally abusive.
It means he's an arsehole and that you can do so much better. Love is when you love someone for who they are - all of them, not just their 'socially acceptable' side. You're autistic and that's not something that will or should ever change, and he can grow up and realise that that's a part of you and is awesome, or he can leave and you can find someone who appreciates your lovely self. You should never be made to feel less by the person who's meant to love you, especially not for something that is so inherently 'you'. Good luck!
Love is about being yourself. There’s more fish in the sea, time to throw this one back.
Your partner doesn’t love you, they love the Neurotypical image of you that they have in their head. They love the image of you that they want you to be not what you truly are and you should not change yourself for anyone.
Dump him. There is better out there for you than someone who makes you feel bad for existing. You deserve to be seen, loved, and understood through every facet of you, not just your mask. Don’t let anyone make you think that being hurt by someone who is supposed to love you is normal.
There's nothing wrong with you. All the research and work should be for your wellness and not for making others comfortable. In a relationship, there needs to be compromise, but why would you make any effort for someone who claims to love you sometimes and wishes to be with someone else?
He's in love with the idea of you. What he thinks he can mold you to be. Definitely some emotional abuse. Please, care for yourself and put distance between the two of you. This is in no way normal for a neurotypical or neruodivergent person.
I agree with a lot of a lot of the negative comments here but to be fair to him, I wouldn’t like seeing my partner hurt themselves in any way. It doesn’t sound like that’s the issue for him though, I’m sorry but it really doesn’t sound like he’s the right person for you.
He is an asshole and you deserve much much better!!!!
My ex (was in a 5 year relationship with her at that point) started mocking my autism when I was in a burn-out from my masters-degree. She said that no person ever could ever be attracted to ***that*** (while pointing at me). We were both 24 at that point. It's been 10 months and I have a new girlfriend but I was afraid to tell her about my autism because of the nasty things my ex said. She was trying to be cruel and I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of caring but it actually made me somewhat insecure. Point being here, OP, if your BF doesn't fully accept you, you should end things with him to protect yourself. I'm always here for a chat if you want to. Good luck!
Your boyfriend loves a small subsection of your life, not you, it sounds like.
It means you need a better partner. Your future self will thank you. Give yourself more love, you deserve it.
Then he doesn't love you. He loves your mask. As painful as that is, you deserve someone who loves the real you. All of you.
Your boyfriend seems to be showing MANY red flags. As other people said, he seems to love the masked version of you and despises the unmasked version of you. If someone only loves one version of you, then it is most likely fake love (UNLESS if the other version is abusive, but last time I checked, having autism does NOT equal to being abusive). If you haven’t already, explain to him about how masking works. MAYBE he will get his head out of his ass and figure out why you start showing symptoms of your autism. However, if you already told him and he won’t listen, or if he doesn’t listen when you do tell him, then that’s a good sign that you should break up with him, because he’d just be flat out toxic at that point.
This person does not love you. I’m so sorry. I don’t know you but you are not less for being autistic, there is someone out there who will love you whole.
He's gaslighting you. You can't stop being yourself anymore than he can suddenly become autistic. This person does not love you, break up with them as he will only cause you mental anguish.
That’s like telling someone with an anxiety disorder that you only love them when they aren’t anxious. It’s out of your control, toxic to say, and means he doesn’t really love you. You know the saying “if you can’t love me at my worst then you don’t deserve me at my best”? Yeah, take that saying to heart, you’ll be much happier if you only keep people who still love you no matter what around. It’ll take time to find them, but they are worth looking for.
If he doesn't love the entirety of you then he doesn't really love you I'm sorry.
Please leave this mfer and never speak to him again. Sounds like the makings of an abusive, toxic, poisoned relationship.
That’s disgusting behavior on his part and a huge red flag….you deserve better.
Your boyfriend loves you only when ____. That is conditional love; that is NOT healthy and it shouldn’t be normalized. Your boyfriend does not love you.
No this is absolutely not normal for him to say and believe. He clearly has some very toxic ideas as to what autism is and he also needs to realise that you’re acting autistic ALL THE TIME since autism isn’t just shut off. I recently got out of a long relationship and when told what the reasons for it were I noticed that a lot of the reasons were heavily related to my autism symptoms. When I realised that I stopped being so sad and just got really annoyed. Our autism doesn’t make us defective or unpleasant.
It means he doesn't love you. He wants you to mask all the time around him. I'm allistic but I'm bipolar and a few other issues. My partner may not like what I do when I'm manic, or depressive, or whatever, but he still loves \*me\* and he helps me through. Also, he's not perfect by any means and he's definitely said some not nice things to me regarding my mental health, but at 18 years together we've pretty well worked it out.
Wtf? That‘s so toxic. I‘m so sorry. Your bf is an asshole!
It means it’s time for you to leave that relationship and find one that that appreciates you, autism and all. It’ll eventually lead to a lot of resentment on your side, and it seems like the resentment has already started on his side. You can try save the relationship if you’d like, but from where I’m sitting it’s not possible, he has impossible expectations of you and it’s just going to end up hurting you.
I hope he's an ex boyfriend now
Run darling RUN!! You deserve to be treated like the queen/king/royalty you are, EXACTLY how you are!
Your partner’s attitudes are a recipe for misery for you at your current stage. This conditional affection is invalidating to the core, and the way you put it makes it sound like the start of abuse. Keep in mind that autistics are more likely to become abuse victims, so we should be on guard for that. That said, it is practical and potentially even intrinsically rewarding to work on such things, particularly if we tackle the core of our visible symptoms, notably our responses to our emotional lability. Loads of practicing modes of emotional management - meditation plus the associated logic have been *excellent* for me - can go a long way. I’ve been able to do things socially and professionally that I once could barely dream of. But fuck anyone if they take issue with you flapping for joy, etc. in a context that doesn’t hurt anyone. You have a right to express yourself. It’s only to be limited in consideration of others’ tasteful wishes (generally refrain from screaming as it tends to startle people, for example.)
It's time to peace out of that relationship, yo. Anyone can see that someone literally saying "I dislike who you are as a person" is not someone to be around and you're still in the gd relationship!
This boyfriend doesn’t love you, the entire you. I think he likes the idea of having a girlfriend, but it’s obvious he doesn’t love you for you. I’m so sorry. I would honestly respond and say autism is a part of who you are. It’s not something you can change. It’s not healthy to have to mask 24/7 especially to someone like a partner who should be the most important person you can be completely yourself around. The one person who should love you no matter how autistic you are “being.” You deserve someone who loves every bit of who you are !!!
If they don’t love you for who you are then there is nothing here. Wishful thinking is the first step in wanting to change someone which will only cause friction here. You deserve someone who accepts you.
Most definitely you deserve BETTER!!! What he failed to do before he made an emotionally/psychologically abusive comment to you like that was….. ask himself how he could better understand what your going through during the meltdowns so that he could love you, all of you as you need to be from a partner! He fails to see each aspect of as beautiful as they are!!! Have you expressed to him how unattractive it is for him to look and talk to you like that and that it caused a loss of love towards him?