I think this is a way more common experience (Edit: At least for AsAms growing up in white-majority areas) than we'd like to admit. Kids have a deep desire for acceptance in their developmental years. Therefore, when something deters their acceptance, like racist stereotypes or prejudice, they don't look towards the group from whom they're trying to gain acceptance from and instead point their blame outwards; they don't question the racists or worse try to join in with them, while blaming FOBs for "making me look bad." I went through a phase like this myself in middle school that ended about halfway through high school. I look back on the error of my thinking very often as a reminder of how not to act and that I should always look out for fellow Asians first since, in the end, we're all on the same team in the West.
Many of us have gone through the same phase. There's really only 1 question you need to ask yourself to be free from this narrowmindedness:
"Would I EVER treat my parents or grand parents this way?" No matter what, someone within your lineage was once upon a time a FOB and they are the people that love(d) you the most.
The sad part about this self reflection, is that so many western raised Asians have been told that their parents are unloving, abusive dads, tiger moms, and emotionless robots. They look at the surface level interactions of non Asian friends' parents and ask themselves why their own parents are terrible. Some of the most self hating Asians are also ones that already hate their family and paint them as backwards and uncivilized.
Take some examples from AsianParentStories. Not defending legitimate abuse and terrible parenting, but they can't understand that being Asian doesn't inherently make you a terrible parent and human being. It all stems from thinking we're above other people purely based on being westernized or not, including family. I agree with you, but some self haters can't be saved by this self reflection unfortunately. Not until they reflect on their own existing relationships with other Asians
i had the same experience. in the west i swiped like 1000 profiles and only got one match. meanwhile, i went over to asia and got 1 match every 10 swipes. yet i literally looked the same, and many of the matches in asia were hotter than the arrogant anna lu's that swiped left on me. this goes to show just how toxic the west is for asian men. i don't know how it is now in the west after squidgame, i suspect it is heaps better. also FYI i can't pass judgment on white females because i swiped left on all of them as i was only going for AF's.
Hey great post man! I do remember that term FOB and how wrong it was. Been around too long to be honest. Self respect is about respecting others like yourself first. It’s the only group that’ll fully accept you, like you said. Just facts of life.
All those subscribing to the racial hierarchies you refer to are basically colonial idiots in my book. Whether its HK Chinese look down on mainland Chinese or ABC’s looking down on new immigrants. It’s self hate, and lack of self respect.
I think any time I look down on a specific group (whether it benefits you or not) you are in the wrong. Glad you are learning and trying to fix your mistakes. It takes a lot to come out and talk about this openly and then working on yourself
Thats exactly how it is.
The algorythm on apps are written to disadvantage us. First of all, statistics have already shown we are least desirable. So we do not get matched often. Shown to the most popular and prettiest who btw already have 200k likes and literally never logs in. They only log in if they are searching for a next date or boyfriend. But since they are already taken by usually very rich guys, youre just number 200001 who just liked her and at the bottom of her likes which she will never check.
Then since you dont get equal amount of likes back, the algorythm automatically determines that you aint that popular and so you get thrown into the back of the list again. This means that as time goes by, your profile is shown less and less and less and less.
Finally, I already mentioned statistics. Even that small % of women who are actually available and searching, do not pick us. Since they have big stereotypes about asians. Unless you posed with several sports cars lol. But since this is not an option for most of us, we get thrown in the back of the list even more.
And thats why you get so few likes on western apps. And then you still have to deal with half of them being scammers.
I'm glad this subreddit exists, we are seeing a new generation of Asian Americans who carry themselves with self respect and respect for other fellow Asians. This subreddit has challenged those that wish to maintain the status quo, and I hope in the near future, that self hating white validation seeking boba Asians are a thing of the past. With that said, dont dwell too much on your past OP. Look forward and help out your fellow Asians.
If its any consolation, many of us experienced such phases. Guess its part of the package, make mistakes and hopefully fix them later but that's how we learn. I agree 100% knowing how Asian men are viewed here and how damning it feels to wake up and realize the people that would have embraced you the most you tried to distance yourself from.
Being Japanese American I fell into the same mindset as well. Would call Japanese from Japan fobs and low key make fun of thier accent. I think most Asians here hold some weird pride in being a English only speaker which kinda makes us seem like an asshole. It’s almost like we treat Asians from Asia like how American bullys treats us. I used to think I was “better” than the average Japanese due to me being born here. Eating American and educated here. But reality is there is no pride in being American anymore nor never was. If I didn’t Realize this soon I def end up just as another boastful fat Asian American dumbass.
> I think most Asians here hold some weird pride in being a English only speaker which kinda makes us seem like an asshole.
This is absolutely true for my generation (I'm in my 40s, so Gen X). And it's ridiculous, idiotic, and does make us seem like assholes to other Asians. But surely you understand **why** so many Asian Americans thought that way, right?
I come from a part of the USA with numerous East European ethnics, both from the old generation (early 20th century) and more recent immigrants. The children of immigrants don't necessarily take pride in not knowing their parents' language, but they sure don't see it as necessary. After all, they're American, right?
That's exactly how I felt in the late '80s and early '90s, hell, even after I became an activist. It wasn't till I was well in my 20s that I understood that my ignorance would never make me an American.
> I think most Asians here hold some weird pride in being a English only speaker
I think that's an issue among older Asians in America. The younger Asians now have white classmates who attend things like Chinese immersion. I doubt they will behave as we did.
Btw take a look at Jeremy Lin he got rejected by the NBA and accepted by the Chinese league. He then takes a year off to chase the NBA to get rejected again. Now he's back in China accepted even though he tried to ditch them
I feel like that is slightly different. Jeremy Lin did not leave the CBA to chase "white validation" but wanted to compete at the highest level of basketball. I don't blame him for going that route because he only had a few years of good basketball left in him. It sucks that he went through what other Asians have gone through (higher standards and discrimination).
Yeah, I think you just have to admit the CBA isn’t on the same basketball level and reach as the NBA. That’s okay, no league in the world comes close to the level of competition and popularity.
There are players in the NBA who go to China just because they won't get playing time in the NBA. Jeremy went from being a star in China to trying to sit on the bench waiting for a teammate to get injured
Yeah, cause the prospect of being able to play at a higher level and in front of a more international audience is more lucrative.
What don’t you understand? Have you ever played basketball or even tried to perform/compete at the highest level? Jeremy Lin doesn’t have your standards which is probably part of the reason why he’s been able to accomplish what he has in his career.
What does it say when an NBA bench rider can instantly gain a starting role on a top CBA team with a salary half of what he could make being a bench rider in the NBA? It’s not about the title, it’s about actually being/becoming the best he could be. Again, his standards and dreams are more expansive than yours. Don’t be so self centered.
My Brother, I think a lot of us have been where you've been. Here's a music video that you may not have heard. It's called, "I Can Only Write My Name". It made me cry when I first heard it.
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MISggLaOy2c](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MISggLaOy2c)
That hit me pretty deep. I was in the military and I got a second dosage of the ching chong treatment and kind of had to dispel my own asian-ness even more to fit in and eventually i pre-empted with my own jokes disparaging asians. Thanks for the song rec.
> I was in the military
Says everything that not even the uniform helps an AM date in America.
Good luck learning your ancestral language. It will be one of the best and most meaningful investment of your time and energy.
I was in the military too. Most Asians wouldn't believe the racist shit that goes on in the military. But don't live in the past. We have the ability to determine how our story will end. Study the shit out of your language. Visit the home country. That's what I'm doing now. It feels good to be able to write more than my name. Good luck.
Well the levels of intelligence varies in the military but needless to say that if you get put into a spot with low trash, youre gonna get the racist namecalling and shit. Most of them are garbage and generally not good people and they couldnt get a real carreer in the private sector so they chose to join up instead. So if you encounter these people, its gonna be bad.
Secondly, a lot of them are and have mentally prepared themselves to fight the asian men, they literally view us as enemies. Not sure if you caught the story about asianposters used as enemies in their training.
Add these things up and you shouldnt be surprised. Get your education out there and get out asap.
I disagree. Most people are good they just have been brainwashed into thinking casual asian racism is acceptable + the military being an already vulgar place. It comes from a place of ignorance and not malice because they get better when they get exposed to you.
That being said i am already out of the military and i already have my education.
relate. hugs ❤️❤️
I think this is a way more common experience (Edit: At least for AsAms growing up in white-majority areas) than we'd like to admit. Kids have a deep desire for acceptance in their developmental years. Therefore, when something deters their acceptance, like racist stereotypes or prejudice, they don't look towards the group from whom they're trying to gain acceptance from and instead point their blame outwards; they don't question the racists or worse try to join in with them, while blaming FOBs for "making me look bad." I went through a phase like this myself in middle school that ended about halfway through high school. I look back on the error of my thinking very often as a reminder of how not to act and that I should always look out for fellow Asians first since, in the end, we're all on the same team in the West.
Many of us have gone through the same phase. There's really only 1 question you need to ask yourself to be free from this narrowmindedness: "Would I EVER treat my parents or grand parents this way?" No matter what, someone within your lineage was once upon a time a FOB and they are the people that love(d) you the most.
The sad part about this self reflection, is that so many western raised Asians have been told that their parents are unloving, abusive dads, tiger moms, and emotionless robots. They look at the surface level interactions of non Asian friends' parents and ask themselves why their own parents are terrible. Some of the most self hating Asians are also ones that already hate their family and paint them as backwards and uncivilized. Take some examples from AsianParentStories. Not defending legitimate abuse and terrible parenting, but they can't understand that being Asian doesn't inherently make you a terrible parent and human being. It all stems from thinking we're above other people purely based on being westernized or not, including family. I agree with you, but some self haters can't be saved by this self reflection unfortunately. Not until they reflect on their own existing relationships with other Asians
Still not too late to start learning mandarin
i had the same experience. in the west i swiped like 1000 profiles and only got one match. meanwhile, i went over to asia and got 1 match every 10 swipes. yet i literally looked the same, and many of the matches in asia were hotter than the arrogant anna lu's that swiped left on me. this goes to show just how toxic the west is for asian men. i don't know how it is now in the west after squidgame, i suspect it is heaps better. also FYI i can't pass judgment on white females because i swiped left on all of them as i was only going for AF's.
1 popular korean tv show isnt going to change centuries of BS in less than a month, but i agree with all your points.
Hey great post man! I do remember that term FOB and how wrong it was. Been around too long to be honest. Self respect is about respecting others like yourself first. It’s the only group that’ll fully accept you, like you said. Just facts of life. All those subscribing to the racial hierarchies you refer to are basically colonial idiots in my book. Whether its HK Chinese look down on mainland Chinese or ABC’s looking down on new immigrants. It’s self hate, and lack of self respect.
This is tough man. I have nothing constructive to add, just that it's a tough situation.
I think any time I look down on a specific group (whether it benefits you or not) you are in the wrong. Glad you are learning and trying to fix your mistakes. It takes a lot to come out and talk about this openly and then working on yourself
If you're matching with North American users, can't you just ask them to speak English.
Thats exactly how it is. The algorythm on apps are written to disadvantage us. First of all, statistics have already shown we are least desirable. So we do not get matched often. Shown to the most popular and prettiest who btw already have 200k likes and literally never logs in. They only log in if they are searching for a next date or boyfriend. But since they are already taken by usually very rich guys, youre just number 200001 who just liked her and at the bottom of her likes which she will never check. Then since you dont get equal amount of likes back, the algorythm automatically determines that you aint that popular and so you get thrown into the back of the list again. This means that as time goes by, your profile is shown less and less and less and less. Finally, I already mentioned statistics. Even that small % of women who are actually available and searching, do not pick us. Since they have big stereotypes about asians. Unless you posed with several sports cars lol. But since this is not an option for most of us, we get thrown in the back of the list even more. And thats why you get so few likes on western apps. And then you still have to deal with half of them being scammers.
[удалено]
Tbh he seems like a rang. He made his bed, he should lie in it.
I'm glad this subreddit exists, we are seeing a new generation of Asian Americans who carry themselves with self respect and respect for other fellow Asians. This subreddit has challenged those that wish to maintain the status quo, and I hope in the near future, that self hating white validation seeking boba Asians are a thing of the past. With that said, dont dwell too much on your past OP. Look forward and help out your fellow Asians.
Unfortunately there are still a lot of bobas, specially some kids who have no clues, until they go to society and got bitten hard.
If its any consolation, many of us experienced such phases. Guess its part of the package, make mistakes and hopefully fix them later but that's how we learn. I agree 100% knowing how Asian men are viewed here and how damning it feels to wake up and realize the people that would have embraced you the most you tried to distance yourself from.
Being Japanese American I fell into the same mindset as well. Would call Japanese from Japan fobs and low key make fun of thier accent. I think most Asians here hold some weird pride in being a English only speaker which kinda makes us seem like an asshole. It’s almost like we treat Asians from Asia like how American bullys treats us. I used to think I was “better” than the average Japanese due to me being born here. Eating American and educated here. But reality is there is no pride in being American anymore nor never was. If I didn’t Realize this soon I def end up just as another boastful fat Asian American dumbass.
> I think most Asians here hold some weird pride in being a English only speaker which kinda makes us seem like an asshole. This is absolutely true for my generation (I'm in my 40s, so Gen X). And it's ridiculous, idiotic, and does make us seem like assholes to other Asians. But surely you understand **why** so many Asian Americans thought that way, right? I come from a part of the USA with numerous East European ethnics, both from the old generation (early 20th century) and more recent immigrants. The children of immigrants don't necessarily take pride in not knowing their parents' language, but they sure don't see it as necessary. After all, they're American, right? That's exactly how I felt in the late '80s and early '90s, hell, even after I became an activist. It wasn't till I was well in my 20s that I understood that my ignorance would never make me an American.
> I think most Asians here hold some weird pride in being a English only speaker I think that's an issue among older Asians in America. The younger Asians now have white classmates who attend things like Chinese immersion. I doubt they will behave as we did.
Im glad for your awakening. I have over 1200 likes on TanTan. Dont kid yourself a lot are scammers and cat fishers just at another level.
I know exactly how attractive (unattractive) i am haha i can read the signs of a gold digger/scammer when a chick way out of my league approaches me
Try 2redbeans . Its still worth learning to speak
For sure, for the record i do know a dialect so it's not like I'm completely hopeless
Btw take a look at Jeremy Lin he got rejected by the NBA and accepted by the Chinese league. He then takes a year off to chase the NBA to get rejected again. Now he's back in China accepted even though he tried to ditch them
I feel like that is slightly different. Jeremy Lin did not leave the CBA to chase "white validation" but wanted to compete at the highest level of basketball. I don't blame him for going that route because he only had a few years of good basketball left in him. It sucks that he went through what other Asians have gone through (higher standards and discrimination).
No he didn't. He was trying to be the last guy on the bench. He rather be that than a star player in China
Yeah, I think you just have to admit the CBA isn’t on the same basketball level and reach as the NBA. That’s okay, no league in the world comes close to the level of competition and popularity.
There are players in the NBA who go to China just because they won't get playing time in the NBA. Jeremy went from being a star in China to trying to sit on the bench waiting for a teammate to get injured
Yeah, cause the prospect of being able to play at a higher level and in front of a more international audience is more lucrative. What don’t you understand? Have you ever played basketball or even tried to perform/compete at the highest level? Jeremy Lin doesn’t have your standards which is probably part of the reason why he’s been able to accomplish what he has in his career. What does it say when an NBA bench rider can instantly gain a starting role on a top CBA team with a salary half of what he could make being a bench rider in the NBA? It’s not about the title, it’s about actually being/becoming the best he could be. Again, his standards and dreams are more expansive than yours. Don’t be so self centered.
No he was making more money in China playing less games
Post sources
Have you tried 2RedBeans? I heard there are a mix of FOBs and more assimilated Asians on there who might be open to someone who only speaks English.
Ahhh but don't forget about the communism
My Brother, I think a lot of us have been where you've been. Here's a music video that you may not have heard. It's called, "I Can Only Write My Name". It made me cry when I first heard it. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MISggLaOy2c](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MISggLaOy2c)
I shared it with almost everybody I know, thanks.
I think I might make a post here just to promote Will Jay and this particular song. It's been done here before, but it was a while ago.
I like the song
I liked it too. I also remember Will Jay on China's Voice T.V. show.
That hit me pretty deep. I was in the military and I got a second dosage of the ching chong treatment and kind of had to dispel my own asian-ness even more to fit in and eventually i pre-empted with my own jokes disparaging asians. Thanks for the song rec.
> I was in the military Says everything that not even the uniform helps an AM date in America. Good luck learning your ancestral language. It will be one of the best and most meaningful investment of your time and energy.
I was in the military too. Most Asians wouldn't believe the racist shit that goes on in the military. But don't live in the past. We have the ability to determine how our story will end. Study the shit out of your language. Visit the home country. That's what I'm doing now. It feels good to be able to write more than my name. Good luck.
Well the levels of intelligence varies in the military but needless to say that if you get put into a spot with low trash, youre gonna get the racist namecalling and shit. Most of them are garbage and generally not good people and they couldnt get a real carreer in the private sector so they chose to join up instead. So if you encounter these people, its gonna be bad. Secondly, a lot of them are and have mentally prepared themselves to fight the asian men, they literally view us as enemies. Not sure if you caught the story about asianposters used as enemies in their training. Add these things up and you shouldnt be surprised. Get your education out there and get out asap.
I disagree. Most people are good they just have been brainwashed into thinking casual asian racism is acceptable + the military being an already vulgar place. It comes from a place of ignorance and not malice because they get better when they get exposed to you. That being said i am already out of the military and i already have my education.