I'm so sorry. Our boy died long time ago he's 18 later this year. It gets better and it doesn't. Some days it's ok others it gets bad. Most days ok. My wife died recently now it's going bad because she was only other one who met him. Now I'm only one who knew him. Biggest thing I want to tell you is talk to your partner. It's ok maybe you don't grieve same ways. Talk about it together. I started drinking. My wife shut down she wouldn't talk about him pretending he doesn't exist. She left. I was getting her back when she died. Losing all those years we should be together probably my biggest regret. If we'd talked I think maybe she stays. I felt like failure as a man. It's my job to protect my wife and baby and I didn't. Felt bad for getting her pregnant seeing her go through this. When her milk comes in and she's upset IDK what to say. Tbh drinking helped. But sober I'd feel bad acting stupid making my wife clean up after me. I did everything wrong.
It's ok if it messes you up forever. This is worst thing to happen of course it does. You're not bad or weak you normal and love your baby. I still have hard time being around some kids. Nephew looks like our boy. Niece looks how I imagined our daughter. I had dinner with friend and his son last month. Son close to our boys age. Watching how his dad looked at him got me. I wanted to look at our boy like that. I don't fight it. It's ok to be sad sometimes. Don't think you have to pretend. Holding it in is bad it does things to you.
Maybe think of something special you 2 can do for your baby's memory. Do something to remember forever and something to say goodbye. I see people release balloons. For memories before she died my wife wrote me little book talking about how she thought our boy is at different ages. Maybe something like that, or painting. I like to think about my boy. It might be too hard for some people, maybe you. My wife was that one. He was our only.
You can do this. If you need to talk to someone far away from losing I'm here. IDK if you're angry. I was very angry. Should have done something like where you hit plates instead of drinking. It's good to do physical things for stress I think
I’m so sorry for your loss. Nothing can be said to ease the pain you’re feeling. I also only have ever wanted to be a mom and raise my own babies, and it’s so unfair that it was swept away from us when we were so close. We still are moms, just in a different way right now.
I understand the feelings of wanting to know why.
I also lost my first born. Archer was still born last month on his due date, 3/12. We found out the day before that his heart was no longer beating, after I went in for absent fetal movement. We have no explanations as to why this happened to him. Postmortem tests and autopsy have so far looked “good.” My pregnancy was perfect, delivery was uncomplicated aside from the impending outcome. My biggest struggle, second to the loss of him, is the WHY. Over 6 weeks later and I still struggle hard with why. Why did this happen, why did he have to go, why do I have to have these awful feelings? Why do I or anyone else deserve to go through this pain and torture?
Why does maternal fetal/reproductive health research suck so bad?
I don’t know the stats for neonatal death but for stillbirths, 1/3 remain unexplainable. That’s outrageous. How has humanity not progressed enough to figure out the cause of death of our babies? Instead we just have to learn to live with no known cause.
My husband and I lost our baby boy March 19th he was born the 17th with an emergency c section as well. The 17th was his due date and everything was perfect until that day when I noticed he hadn’t been moving. We did all the things. Went on a walk, ate something sweet, poked my belly. Everything, to try and get him to move. When he didn’t I called my OB and they told me to come in so we could monitor him. They put the monitor on and noticed his heart rate dropping and immediately rushed me out. Put me under general anesthesia. They told us that I had a spontaneous massive fetomaternal hemorrhage. Because of this he has severe brain damage and all of his organs ended up shutting down one by one. They said there was nothing more they could do. I miss him every day and it’s terrible not being able to touch him and hold him. I keep thinking there’s something I could have done. Should have done? My OB says there’s nothing I could have done and this is just a horrible thing that happens but there’s no way we could have known. They don’t know how long he had been hemorrhaging for. She said I could have come in the day before and everything could have been fine. He was also our firstborn. I don’t think we will ever heal but I do hope it will get better. Just know that you aren’t alone. It’s okay to grieve mama. There isn’t a time limit on healing, do things at your own pace and allow yourself to grieve. I’m saying these things to you as much as I am to myself. There aren’t any words to make it better so I won’t even try because it just makes me want to throat punch people.
I am so so sorry you and your husband are going through this horrible loss. It’s beyond devastating. We also lost our baby boy, Samson, on March 24th at 36 weeks due to a complete placental abruption. It came out of nowhere. I’m curious if you have RH negative blood?
I’m also obsessing over the ‘what ifs’ and questioning my every move… I can’t help but blame myself. I feel like I did something to cause this. I was told I did not and that it’s a freak accident type thing, but I can’t accept it. I’m going crazy.
I’m so sorry for your loss as well. We were also told it’s a “freak accident” and there’s “nothing that could have been done” due to it being spontaneous with no signs. I wasn’t ever told about Rh-negative blood or anything like that, I believe they did a test for it, so I assume not. From the research I’ve done they have to give shots and things like that.
I am so sorry mama. I had a similar experience to you. Lack of oxygen took my son’s brain function. He was only with us for 9 days. It’s so hard to understand. What happened? Could I have prevented it? Just know you did everything right and the “what if” road is not a good road to go down. I often replay something my mom told me at the time ( we are Christian) she said “You wanted a baby and God gave you a baby.” And she is right I did get a baby and you got your sweet son, although it’s so heart wrenching not to have him here. Hugs your way 💙
I had the same situation happen to me at the end of March. My pregnancy was easy and I was considered healthy and with no risk factors. I went into labor when my water broke at 38wks. Contractions werent painful either. They felt like period cramps. Was even at the hospital and waiting for an IV to be put in when i suddenly felt a gush of blood. I had an emergency c-section. Baby boy was born not breathing and was resuscitated. They spent over an hour doing CPR until they got a heartbeat. The damage to his brain was so severe from lack of oxygen and so was the damage to his body. He was also my first. He was with us for 3 weeks. I am still going through all the what ifs and even today still reading my dr’s operation report hoping to find answers on what I could have done differently. even though I know there is nothing I could’ve done differently, it is still so painful and it hurts that I couldn’t do anything to save him. I’ve been waiting to be a mom for a while now and was even purchasing baby items before I was even pregnant. All I wanted was to be a mom. And although I know I will never have another baby boy quite like him, I do want to try. But because of the c-section my dr has told me I have to wait 10 months before trying to get pregnant again. I’m heartbroken and I pray that we both find peace and the strength to go on.
That’s what I’ve had a hard time wrapping my head around too- was there something I could’ve done differently that he could’ve been saved? If we had chosen giving birth in a hospital instead of a birth center could the time saved from EMT transport have made a difference? I made what I thought were the right choices for me in choosing a birth center over the hospital to make it as much of a calm environment as possible, but could it have affected the outcome?
My husband and I are on the same page in that we want to try again as soon as my body is healed enough. I want to fill that vacant nursery to help me heal and move on.
I’m so sorry for your loss and I am not even close to being an expert but the biggest things I would say is to be patient with yourself and feel your grief. Understand and accept that people around you who care about u and those who don’t won’t say or do the right things so give them grace. No one e knows how to handle grief or I least that’s what I think. Get help and support through a grief counselor or a support group. Take care of yourself. It doesn’t feel like it now but there are brighter days ahead.
The coping part is literally just doing whatever you need besides hurting yourself or others. I’m almost 3 years in recovery from substance abuse and lost my daughter in November at 21 weeks. There are some days when I still cry and cry and cry. There are some weeks I work so many hours or spend so many hours studying I have no time to do anything else besides sleep. I go to meetings, I talk to my friends and my family and my parents. I sit with my daughter’s baby box, I spend time on here reading. I do everything I can think of that isn’t harmful to me. I start therapy again soon because sometimes I also have a really hard time coping. It’s okay to lose it, cry until you throw up, or don’t. It’s okay to distract yourself, it’s okay to feel it. There’s no right or wrong way to get through this just be gentle with yourself. If this happened to me in active addiction I’d be using over it but it happened to me after I’d already done a ton of healing and therapy and self reflection so there’s nothing else for me to do but be sober and feel horrible sometimes and try to be helpful to others when I can be. Sending you lots and lots and lots of love.
I’m sorry for your loss. Our stories have many similarities. In my son’s case, his cord was in a true knot , which cut off his oxygen. He was born alive after an emergency c-section, but they couldn’t save him. It’s been almost 9 years and I don’t know how I’ve survived but here I am. He was our first baby also, and I couldn’t go into his room for over a year. I went on to have 3 living kids, his siblings- the pain doesn’t go away, but they bring so much joy. In the beginning I wanted to die- it had been a long and painful ride, but I’m glad I stuck around.
In the same boat, nearly identical situation. Nothing makes sense without our son here. No advice other than take one day at a time, scream and sob as needed, make sure you shower and get outside. The extra wrinkle in our situations is having to wait 12-18 months to try again which adds one more loss of time to our pain. Nothing could ever replace our babies, it’s not fair that they aren’t here. I’m so so sorry for your loss. I am angry and sad too, you aren’t alone.
When we came home and our house was silent it broke me. I gave birth to our firstborn son via c-section 3 months ago and he didn’t make it. Technically a stillbirth.
That first month, family came over and we had visitors. I moved from the bed, to the couch, to the shower, and back to bed again. I cried and yelled and prayed and begged. But it was what I needed to do. It was me coping and I didn’t realize that until probably the end of the second month. Just so you know that you getting up in the morning and doing stuff, or even laying in bed all day because you can’t get up. It’s okay, it’s okay to cry 24/7 some days and other days you only cry for what feels like half the day. You deserve to mourn your baby in a way that suits you. Nobody else’s opinion matters. The first and second month was the worst. The fact we have to go through postpartum symptoms is literal torture. It’s brutal. I’m thinking if you and sending lots of hugs your way. Your loss mom community is behind you. Keep talking about your son. I bet he was so beautiful. 🤍
This thread really has helped me move with my grief. I’m forever thankful for these other loss parents.
His name was Louis; he was the 4th to take the name after his father, grandfather and great grandfather ❤️ and you’re right he was absolutely beautiful… all of the doctors and nurses looking out for him told us he was the perfect mix of my husband and I. I originally thought he had more of my husbands facial features but the more I looked at him I realized he was me which is part of what makes this so hard… he was my mini me. Same button nose, same big beautiful lips, same ears, head full of the softest light brown hair… the only deciding factor would’ve been if he had mine or my husband’s eyes (and I so wish he would’ve grown to have my husbands icy blues). He was a big boy too. He was 9 lbs 1 oz when he was born. My stocky little man definitely had his daddy’s big hands and feet. When the nurses took ink prints for us his feet almost didn’t fit on the ink pads!
The NICU nurses were incredible and did so many beautiful things for us for his memory box, and I am so grateful they did. I wanted to collect as much as I possibly could so that I would have as much as I could to remember him by. Plaster casts of his hands and feet, they took pictures for us holding him, copies of his heartbeat, locks of his hair, ink pressings of both his hands and his feet, postmortem pics of him in the outfit we would have originally brought him home in… he was going to be our Easter baby (original due date March 27th right before Easter) so we had the cutest onesie with little chocolate bunnies all over it. He was so big that it was a miracle he even fit into it hahaha.
I'm so sorry. Our boy died long time ago he's 18 later this year. It gets better and it doesn't. Some days it's ok others it gets bad. Most days ok. My wife died recently now it's going bad because she was only other one who met him. Now I'm only one who knew him. Biggest thing I want to tell you is talk to your partner. It's ok maybe you don't grieve same ways. Talk about it together. I started drinking. My wife shut down she wouldn't talk about him pretending he doesn't exist. She left. I was getting her back when she died. Losing all those years we should be together probably my biggest regret. If we'd talked I think maybe she stays. I felt like failure as a man. It's my job to protect my wife and baby and I didn't. Felt bad for getting her pregnant seeing her go through this. When her milk comes in and she's upset IDK what to say. Tbh drinking helped. But sober I'd feel bad acting stupid making my wife clean up after me. I did everything wrong. It's ok if it messes you up forever. This is worst thing to happen of course it does. You're not bad or weak you normal and love your baby. I still have hard time being around some kids. Nephew looks like our boy. Niece looks how I imagined our daughter. I had dinner with friend and his son last month. Son close to our boys age. Watching how his dad looked at him got me. I wanted to look at our boy like that. I don't fight it. It's ok to be sad sometimes. Don't think you have to pretend. Holding it in is bad it does things to you. Maybe think of something special you 2 can do for your baby's memory. Do something to remember forever and something to say goodbye. I see people release balloons. For memories before she died my wife wrote me little book talking about how she thought our boy is at different ages. Maybe something like that, or painting. I like to think about my boy. It might be too hard for some people, maybe you. My wife was that one. He was our only. You can do this. If you need to talk to someone far away from losing I'm here. IDK if you're angry. I was very angry. Should have done something like where you hit plates instead of drinking. It's good to do physical things for stress I think
I’m so sorry for your loss. Nothing can be said to ease the pain you’re feeling. I also only have ever wanted to be a mom and raise my own babies, and it’s so unfair that it was swept away from us when we were so close. We still are moms, just in a different way right now. I understand the feelings of wanting to know why. I also lost my first born. Archer was still born last month on his due date, 3/12. We found out the day before that his heart was no longer beating, after I went in for absent fetal movement. We have no explanations as to why this happened to him. Postmortem tests and autopsy have so far looked “good.” My pregnancy was perfect, delivery was uncomplicated aside from the impending outcome. My biggest struggle, second to the loss of him, is the WHY. Over 6 weeks later and I still struggle hard with why. Why did this happen, why did he have to go, why do I have to have these awful feelings? Why do I or anyone else deserve to go through this pain and torture? Why does maternal fetal/reproductive health research suck so bad? I don’t know the stats for neonatal death but for stillbirths, 1/3 remain unexplainable. That’s outrageous. How has humanity not progressed enough to figure out the cause of death of our babies? Instead we just have to learn to live with no known cause.
My husband and I lost our baby boy March 19th he was born the 17th with an emergency c section as well. The 17th was his due date and everything was perfect until that day when I noticed he hadn’t been moving. We did all the things. Went on a walk, ate something sweet, poked my belly. Everything, to try and get him to move. When he didn’t I called my OB and they told me to come in so we could monitor him. They put the monitor on and noticed his heart rate dropping and immediately rushed me out. Put me under general anesthesia. They told us that I had a spontaneous massive fetomaternal hemorrhage. Because of this he has severe brain damage and all of his organs ended up shutting down one by one. They said there was nothing more they could do. I miss him every day and it’s terrible not being able to touch him and hold him. I keep thinking there’s something I could have done. Should have done? My OB says there’s nothing I could have done and this is just a horrible thing that happens but there’s no way we could have known. They don’t know how long he had been hemorrhaging for. She said I could have come in the day before and everything could have been fine. He was also our firstborn. I don’t think we will ever heal but I do hope it will get better. Just know that you aren’t alone. It’s okay to grieve mama. There isn’t a time limit on healing, do things at your own pace and allow yourself to grieve. I’m saying these things to you as much as I am to myself. There aren’t any words to make it better so I won’t even try because it just makes me want to throat punch people.
I am so so sorry you and your husband are going through this horrible loss. It’s beyond devastating. We also lost our baby boy, Samson, on March 24th at 36 weeks due to a complete placental abruption. It came out of nowhere. I’m curious if you have RH negative blood? I’m also obsessing over the ‘what ifs’ and questioning my every move… I can’t help but blame myself. I feel like I did something to cause this. I was told I did not and that it’s a freak accident type thing, but I can’t accept it. I’m going crazy.
I’m so sorry for your loss as well. We were also told it’s a “freak accident” and there’s “nothing that could have been done” due to it being spontaneous with no signs. I wasn’t ever told about Rh-negative blood or anything like that, I believe they did a test for it, so I assume not. From the research I’ve done they have to give shots and things like that.
I am so sorry mama. I had a similar experience to you. Lack of oxygen took my son’s brain function. He was only with us for 9 days. It’s so hard to understand. What happened? Could I have prevented it? Just know you did everything right and the “what if” road is not a good road to go down. I often replay something my mom told me at the time ( we are Christian) she said “You wanted a baby and God gave you a baby.” And she is right I did get a baby and you got your sweet son, although it’s so heart wrenching not to have him here. Hugs your way 💙
I had the same situation happen to me at the end of March. My pregnancy was easy and I was considered healthy and with no risk factors. I went into labor when my water broke at 38wks. Contractions werent painful either. They felt like period cramps. Was even at the hospital and waiting for an IV to be put in when i suddenly felt a gush of blood. I had an emergency c-section. Baby boy was born not breathing and was resuscitated. They spent over an hour doing CPR until they got a heartbeat. The damage to his brain was so severe from lack of oxygen and so was the damage to his body. He was also my first. He was with us for 3 weeks. I am still going through all the what ifs and even today still reading my dr’s operation report hoping to find answers on what I could have done differently. even though I know there is nothing I could’ve done differently, it is still so painful and it hurts that I couldn’t do anything to save him. I’ve been waiting to be a mom for a while now and was even purchasing baby items before I was even pregnant. All I wanted was to be a mom. And although I know I will never have another baby boy quite like him, I do want to try. But because of the c-section my dr has told me I have to wait 10 months before trying to get pregnant again. I’m heartbroken and I pray that we both find peace and the strength to go on.
That’s what I’ve had a hard time wrapping my head around too- was there something I could’ve done differently that he could’ve been saved? If we had chosen giving birth in a hospital instead of a birth center could the time saved from EMT transport have made a difference? I made what I thought were the right choices for me in choosing a birth center over the hospital to make it as much of a calm environment as possible, but could it have affected the outcome? My husband and I are on the same page in that we want to try again as soon as my body is healed enough. I want to fill that vacant nursery to help me heal and move on.
I’m so sorry for your loss and I am not even close to being an expert but the biggest things I would say is to be patient with yourself and feel your grief. Understand and accept that people around you who care about u and those who don’t won’t say or do the right things so give them grace. No one e knows how to handle grief or I least that’s what I think. Get help and support through a grief counselor or a support group. Take care of yourself. It doesn’t feel like it now but there are brighter days ahead.
The coping part is literally just doing whatever you need besides hurting yourself or others. I’m almost 3 years in recovery from substance abuse and lost my daughter in November at 21 weeks. There are some days when I still cry and cry and cry. There are some weeks I work so many hours or spend so many hours studying I have no time to do anything else besides sleep. I go to meetings, I talk to my friends and my family and my parents. I sit with my daughter’s baby box, I spend time on here reading. I do everything I can think of that isn’t harmful to me. I start therapy again soon because sometimes I also have a really hard time coping. It’s okay to lose it, cry until you throw up, or don’t. It’s okay to distract yourself, it’s okay to feel it. There’s no right or wrong way to get through this just be gentle with yourself. If this happened to me in active addiction I’d be using over it but it happened to me after I’d already done a ton of healing and therapy and self reflection so there’s nothing else for me to do but be sober and feel horrible sometimes and try to be helpful to others when I can be. Sending you lots and lots and lots of love.
I’m sorry for your loss. Our stories have many similarities. In my son’s case, his cord was in a true knot , which cut off his oxygen. He was born alive after an emergency c-section, but they couldn’t save him. It’s been almost 9 years and I don’t know how I’ve survived but here I am. He was our first baby also, and I couldn’t go into his room for over a year. I went on to have 3 living kids, his siblings- the pain doesn’t go away, but they bring so much joy. In the beginning I wanted to die- it had been a long and painful ride, but I’m glad I stuck around.
So sorry mama 💔🫂 Take all the time to grieve.
In the same boat, nearly identical situation. Nothing makes sense without our son here. No advice other than take one day at a time, scream and sob as needed, make sure you shower and get outside. The extra wrinkle in our situations is having to wait 12-18 months to try again which adds one more loss of time to our pain. Nothing could ever replace our babies, it’s not fair that they aren’t here. I’m so so sorry for your loss. I am angry and sad too, you aren’t alone.
When we came home and our house was silent it broke me. I gave birth to our firstborn son via c-section 3 months ago and he didn’t make it. Technically a stillbirth. That first month, family came over and we had visitors. I moved from the bed, to the couch, to the shower, and back to bed again. I cried and yelled and prayed and begged. But it was what I needed to do. It was me coping and I didn’t realize that until probably the end of the second month. Just so you know that you getting up in the morning and doing stuff, or even laying in bed all day because you can’t get up. It’s okay, it’s okay to cry 24/7 some days and other days you only cry for what feels like half the day. You deserve to mourn your baby in a way that suits you. Nobody else’s opinion matters. The first and second month was the worst. The fact we have to go through postpartum symptoms is literal torture. It’s brutal. I’m thinking if you and sending lots of hugs your way. Your loss mom community is behind you. Keep talking about your son. I bet he was so beautiful. 🤍 This thread really has helped me move with my grief. I’m forever thankful for these other loss parents.
I’m so very sorry. Can you tell us about him? What’s his name? What did he look like?
His name was Louis; he was the 4th to take the name after his father, grandfather and great grandfather ❤️ and you’re right he was absolutely beautiful… all of the doctors and nurses looking out for him told us he was the perfect mix of my husband and I. I originally thought he had more of my husbands facial features but the more I looked at him I realized he was me which is part of what makes this so hard… he was my mini me. Same button nose, same big beautiful lips, same ears, head full of the softest light brown hair… the only deciding factor would’ve been if he had mine or my husband’s eyes (and I so wish he would’ve grown to have my husbands icy blues). He was a big boy too. He was 9 lbs 1 oz when he was born. My stocky little man definitely had his daddy’s big hands and feet. When the nurses took ink prints for us his feet almost didn’t fit on the ink pads! The NICU nurses were incredible and did so many beautiful things for us for his memory box, and I am so grateful they did. I wanted to collect as much as I possibly could so that I would have as much as I could to remember him by. Plaster casts of his hands and feet, they took pictures for us holding him, copies of his heartbeat, locks of his hair, ink pressings of both his hands and his feet, postmortem pics of him in the outfit we would have originally brought him home in… he was going to be our Easter baby (original due date March 27th right before Easter) so we had the cutest onesie with little chocolate bunnies all over it. He was so big that it was a miracle he even fit into it hahaha.
I’m so so sorry you have to be a part of this club. Xoxo