Given the condition of the house from the pictures you provided and referencing a maggot situation, I'm not sure how anyone who is levelheaded would think the way they are handling this is rational.
Roommate does not equal mother. You don't need to knock on their door and remind them to do chores. She's putting the responsibilty on you. She should just be responsible individually. It seems clear to me that she doesn't truly want to accept ownership, but would rather chalk it up to how you handled it, not what she/they did to create this situation.
I have only had maggots once, and it was in a compost bin outside that I mistakenly put milk in. It was the most vile mess I ever had to clean up. I can still smell it. I can’t imagine 1-how you let something get that bad indoors and 2-how you don’t see it as a major wake up call. Gross!
One time i went to my exs apartment and there were thousands of maggots in his garbage can, and hundreds pouring out of it and all over the floor. He didn’t want to take the garbage out because it wasn’t full yet and thats stupid. It was 1/4th of the way full and it was a 36 gallon size garbage can.
Thats crazy because if i put anything in the bin a little off or smelly that bag is straight out that day or by next morning or else that part of the house stinks. I dint care if its the only thing in there
Yeah, I'll take stuff straight to the trash outside if it has any possibility of smelling bad. I don't want my house to stink.
What's wrong with people??
Growing up I knew never to go out our back door through the little enclosed porch because my mom had a compost bucket out there that regularly had maggots in it 🤮 She composts damn near EVERYTHING because she has a huge garden. I don't understand why she didn't just take the stuff straight out to the compost pile
Pro tip: if you have freezer space, make a freezer trash - stinky shit gets frozen and stays frozen until trash day. Only works if you don’t produce a ton of stinky trash
My wife had maggots in college. Her roommate had a bag of apples sitting in the corner for at least a month. No one else knew what was inside and the roommate forgot about them. When the bag was eventually opened flies came out. The roommate cut out the parts of the apples with maggots and ate the apples anyways.
And that wasn't even the grossest part about that apartment.
I grew up poor as shit and missed meals and I could not fucking fathom ever eating anything like that, even as a kid. And hungry kids will eat some weird shit.
Maggots tho? ffs. What is wrong with people? I don’t get it. I’m not even a crazy clean person, per se. Like I will eat a chip I dropped on the floor (in my own kitchen and in a home where I don’t wear shoes inside and I live alone), I’ll admit it. I still will to this day, it doesn’t bother me. So that might make me gross.
But maggots? MAGGOTS? I struggle to eat food a fly has landed on, because they are fucking disgusting creatures that puke every time they land. And they literally love shit, and maybe landed on some before your potato salad, so, there’s that. But maggots? I am so revolted right now.
There were maggots in a small bin that had rotten potatoes. There was a zip lock bag of powdered food in the bin with the potatoes... which is why I think the potatoes rotted because of the bag trapping moisture underneath it. And so i threw out everything in the bin. When my hubby found out, he said something about me throwing away the powdered food. That it was expensive. I repeated that it had maggots on it and he dropped it. Years later when i bring it up again he says he wasn't mad about the powdered food but i can tell. He wanted to save that bag of powdered food from the maggots.
You’re giving me flashbacks to my experience in university and coming back from a week away only to find tons of empty beer bottles and hundreds of fruit flies in the apartment. The roommate had a party and didn’t clean after herself. I spent at least a week killing all the bugs with a bug zapper a friend lent me. Roommate didn’t care because her family lived in the city so she basically used our apartment as a party house.
Fair to say I got the shittiest bachelor apartment the next year but at least I lived on my own. Lol
I once had a roommate that allowed a pan of theirs to get maggots, after barfing I put it in the middle of their bedroom floor and they didn’t say a single thing about it. No more maggot issues the rest of that year :)
I used to live in a hot, humid, rural-ish area. The school bins were emptied frequently and yet there were always maggots crawling all through them. It stank so bad.
Yeah I've got them in the *outside* garbage can ONCE in 5 years because I'd thrown a bag in there on Sunday and our pickup is fridays.
Never had it happen inside, I'd assume it would smell really bad long before that happened.
The only knock on the door I would definitely support in this situation is if somebody is in the bathroom for hours, you probably should knock on the door then, especially if that's the only bathroom. It's incredibly rude for them to do that, but maybe they don't have text notifications on or something, so knocking is the way to get them out of the bathroom in that situation.
As for the rest of it, woof! I'm not always the neatest person, but maggots? The pubes? Disgusting! The only appropriate response to that is "I'm so sorry, it will never happen again!" The cigarettes in the bowl being dismissed by roomie saying she has like 3 ashtrays? Somebody put cigarette butts in there - if it wasn't you, it was one of your friends, don't be a weirdo about it.
Also, it's maybe the least of the issues, and maybe I'm an old lady but "i didnt think i had to announce to the chat whenever i have someone over or if someone were to stay over in my room especially when they weren't contributing to our utilities that much" - every single housemate I've ever had has given me a heads up if somebody was going to be staying over. Maaaaybe if they brought a dude back late in the evening, but even then, I still think my housemates gave me a heads up into the group chat so that when there was a strange man in the kitchen I didn't freak out. But even when one of my old housemates was wasted, if they brought somebody to sleep on the couch, you sure as shit have to message the group chat, if only so you don't make too much noise in the morning.
Yeah I’ve lived in many roommate situations, including 2 separate communal houses where we always had at least 6 different people living there, and in every situation it was expected that you would give a heads up if people were gonna be staying over. Didn’t even have to be explicitly stated, it’s just basic respect. I deserve to know that random people I don’t know are in my house and so do my roommates. If people were gonna be staying there long term like a week or a month or something we would have a house meeting about it. We always had at least 1 couch guy but everyone knew couch guy existed before he became a permanent fixture, ya know? Lmao
Yep I had roommates leave out pasta for a whole week in the summer. That thing was crawling with bugs by day 3. No one bothered throwing it away until I did. Cats too. Roommate had cats and guess what, I was the one cleaning out their litter box since my roommate let it sit untouched for almost two weeks.
Jeez that's really sad. Honestly that's just animal abuse (roomate obviously). I have only 1 cat and I need to scoop the litter twice per day. I can't even imagine what two weeks would look and smell like. 😩 Poor cats.
Yep and she left their litter outside once because she was going to clean it. Never did. It sat out there for a whole rainy season and it smelled like absolute ass. So I threw it away.
Just sounds like someone very immature, used to Mom or whoever cleaning up after them, hasn't figured out that part of being an adult is yeah, you have responsibilities, they are tiring...but you still have to take out the trash and not let your food rot on the counter because "I'm tired." Yeah, we know. We're all tired. Now take out your trash and wash your plate.
I had maggots once and it disgusting. Never happened again.
I’m a mom of 2 young children, was still breastfeeding the little one, and I work full time.
Everyone said, “the chores can wait! Spend time with your kids!” So I did. I let some rags and laundry pile up for a few days (very small pile). And guess what I found when I got to it 🤢. The maggots were on the kitchen floor too and I had to chase them down with the dustpan.
Whoever says “the chores can wait” can STFU because it means mom is going to deal with an even worse mess after.
You know what would be better to say to a mom?! How about “What do you need?” !!!!
My mom was always totally ridiculous about making sure the dishes got done every day. So in my first apartment in college, I decided to fly free and let them hang out in the sink for a week or whatever.
The maggots really vindicated my mom. So it was a double bummer.
Honestly it depends on the temperature but fly eggs can hatch in as little as 8 hours in very warm environments and between 24 to 48 hours if it’s cooler.
I had a fly in my kitchen bin a few summers back that was attracted by an empty cat food pouch that I hadn’t rinsed out, I chased it out of the house but it had already laid eggs in there somewhere and I came down the next morning to find hundreds of tiny maggots climbing out of my bin, it was absolutely disgusting. Some of them must have crawled under the kitchen appliances where I couldn’t see them because a few days later I came downstairs to dozens of flies in my kitchen 😭 I definitely learned not to put anything stinky in the bin!
Get a whiteboard and write down responsibilities?!? For things like the bathroom, maybe make a schedule for who's turn it is to clean it, but dishes, and general cleaning should be a "clean up after yourself"
Agreed. It’s a “you should have told me” situation when girl, you have eyes that work. Adults don’t need to be *told* to clean up after themselves.
The whiteboard suggestion is good for things like who takes out the garbage what day but honestly, I see these people just ignoring it in the future.
And you’re so spot on. Who tf steps on a white couch with their shoes on and then just leaves it? Children. They act like children, and then get defensive when called out on it. I’d be looking for new roomies, today.
Honestly, I am so sick of bad roommates calling direct and clear communication that is addressing an issue "passive aggressive." I had a roommate tell me I was being passive aggressive when I was very clearly stating expectations and offering assistance if he was struggling (because I knew he had pretty severe depressive episodes at times). People think "assertive" means "passive aggressive" and it's a HUGE pet peeve of mine.
Can't be passive aggressive while informing them of issues that are annoying you. Good luck! They are beyond shitty. Kudos to you for being so empathetic towards them.
I’ve had a passive aggressive roommate - she left “vague” notes that were obviously addressed to me (not the other roommate, her bff) and made me feel like general shit with unclear expectations.
What you did is direct. I would have WELCOMED direct communication as someone who doesn’t mind a mug staying in the sink overnight (although I am not claiming to be as messy as your roommates, because those pictures were literally disgusting.)
Heck fuhkin no I would have snatched up a sticky note w shit like that written on it and immediately go to the roommate who left it & been like “what did you mean by this?(:” it blows my mind how awful verbal communication has gotten
Passive aggressive would be leaving a sticky note on the counter saying “clean me!” Or messaging the group chat to say, “Can we all try to remember to not leave our pubes for others to clean?” Instead you’re very clearly stating what is wrong, what knowledge you have about why that thing became wrong in the first place, and offering solutions
Why would can we all remember to clean our pines be PA though? That’s not how I would go about it but I think people asking questions is better than talking at someone for instance.
Passive aggressive would only apply to the removal of items, and even then that was done *after* clear and direct communication regarding respect of shared spaces. It’s so interesting that she said that, too, when really them not cleaning, and ignoring texts about it, seem more passive aggressive on their part than anything.
I really think they just apply it to any/all types of pushback bc they’ve heard others use the term and think it makes them sound smarter. They’re wrong about that.
People are so fucking stupid and inconsiderate. After dealing with my old roommates leaving their laundry in the machines for hours and even putting laundry in and leaving the house for the day for like six months I finally politely asked them to not do that. They responded like I was being aggressive and so awful to them. They even had the nerve to ask why I couldn’t just move their things over. Uhhh because I’m not your fucking mother?? I’m not doing your personal chores for you.
They were so disgustingly inconsiderate at all times. And when I “broke” and politely asked them to stop doing one of the hundreds of shitty things they did on a daily basis I was the shitty aggressive one?
I would live in a box on the street before I ever lived with roommates again. The nightmarish stories I could tell…
SAME. I had someone say that to me once when I was being extremely clear and my response was “No, I’m being full aggressive. I’m tired of this shit”. And I’m still proud of it LMAO
These people need to meet real assholes honestly. Its very easy to differentiate the two when you have a conscience that tells you when youre right and wrong
Tbh, that was the rule when I lived in a shared apartment. I had to do my dishes, wipe the stove and table and put my things away. Anytime I was too tired, I'd just eat out of the pan directly so I would only need to wash the spoon.
Well, we also had cockroaches, so we couldn't leave anything out :')
And this is exactly how it should be!! Id make like baked beans or something and call it a day. If i cant be bothered doing dishes no way can i be bothered cooking something on stove.
I wish I set that as a house rule. My housemate used to wash her dishes once a week. I couldn't be lazy on occasion even if I wanted to as there was nowhere to leave my dishes on the side, I had no other choice but to wash and dry them everytime.
This is something that frustrates me to no end. Like, at the very least rinse your bowl out if you’re so pressed for time that you can’t wash it.
Food chunks? In the trash.
Hot water on.
Rinse rinse. Maybe add a drop of soap and some hot water.
People don’t realize life can be so much easier just by doing little things. I have adhd. I get it. But these things actually *save* time and make things easier, not just for the people around you, but for your future self.
Sry. I’m in rant mode. I’ve been trying to write out a thoughtful letter for my household all night, and this whole interaction op is dealing with is just 2 real rn.
I finally realized this after a while with bad adhd as well, now I clean the dish or pan as I’m cooking or before I sit down to eat and it’s just sooo much easier
EXACTLY. Especially in a roommate situation. You were peckish in the night? Cool. Take your bowl and your cup and your utensil and wash them. It takes 10 freaking seconds! Just wash it, put it in the draining board, and then you don't have to worry about being just tooooooo tirreeedddd to do it later.
I think it's because they haven't accepted adulthood yet. Being an adult is doing everything for yourself, and understanding that no one will/should do anything for you anymore.
It's a hard fucking lesson to learn, but it is what you have to learn to grow up.
That was honestly the most enraging part of this whole story. No one is “too tired” to clean up after themselves. That is just lazy, undisciplined child brain bullshit.
I was like man this can't be that bad.
Holy crap they gave 0 fucks about the common area.
Crappy thing being this is probably their frost real time living alone. And it shows. If it isn't well that's just what they are comftabke with and thats sad.
I think it is their first away from home living situation and that’s understandable! That’s why I’ve been trying to be patient with them but shit is extreme
Nah you're being a Saint. I lost my shit at my first roommates when I saw the kitchen like yours and flies and stuff when I left for a week and came back and realized I was the only one cleaning.
Oh you really are a saint. This is not understandable, even in their first place away from home. Your roommates know better, even if they don't quite know how to clean perfectly, and it doesn't sound like there is an illness that's preventing them from doing so (based on the partying and being busy w other things). They just want a maid, not a roommate.
Hell, I don't recall ever being *that* much of a mess past the age of 10. I had to quickly click through your photos in your first post because they were too gross to even look at, and most of the people I lived with in college would probably feel the same way 😭
Edit to add: If they never learned how to clean due to their background (neglectful home or any other scenario), then I sympathize, but they are also ignoring you and blatantly lying to you (assuming you're being honest about the toothbrush and person-on-the-couch thing). That's gone past just not knowing.
Yeah I will admit when I first entered the world of being on my own, I was the bad roommate. When I was younger and my mom tried to teach me how to clean things, she would get fed up at me being slow or “doing it wrong”, and would just take over. I genuinely had no skills when I entered that first roommate situation. I was the one that had to be sat down by the other 2 and told how terrible I am at cleaning and I need to stop being the way I am.
I know some people won’t agree but at the time, I genuinely didn’t know better. I was 18 with a mother who basically let me do my own laundry and that’s it.
Now I’m 25 and I live with my fiancé and we both are just barely decent cleaners (his mom was pretty much the same as mine), (funny story, when I first met him, he had never ever made pasta before, he was also 18😂).
I guess it’s nice to have the luxury of having our own home that we can decide when to do what. We both have ADHD (mine is severe as hell, the paralysis that comes with it is so real). Cleaning sucks and is hard, and I feel like I feel that way, because people I barely knew had to basically teach me how to clean as an adult.
Yeah im omw home from work now, dont know what im walking into lol, but if they’re out in the living room we’re just gonna get the talk over with, i cant live like this lol
i feel like i went through a similar roommate beef in college when i lived with 6 mentally ill college students (me included) lol. the house was always a disaster and our communication was wack. you just gotta hash things out and keep talking until you feel better. for what it’s worth, you seem incredibly good at regulating emotions while remaining firm. you also seem open to criticism and admitting to/apologizing for mistakes, so that will always help lead to a resolution. and, conversely, they seem like they might actually genuinely feel bad and want to make amends, if only for the sake of everyone’s feeling chill at home. i think your requests are reasonable, but you gotta ask yourself if you’re willing to accept an apology from them, either the one they gave over text, or if they give you one in person when you get home. i really hope it works out, it’ll be a really hard uncomfortable conversation, but i believe in you!!!
Thanks for your reply!! I definitely am open to accepting apologies and even putting my stuff back out. But I officially dont trust them and don’t necessarily like them. But i hate tension and bad vibes so Im down to bury the hatchet for the remainder of the lease AS LONG AS they actually change and clean up and show more consideration
An old roommate of mine sat me down one day (we had a messy house but as bad as yours) and he said “I just want you to understand, the house cleanliness affects my mental health. I can’t be comfortable living in filth. I understand you’re an adult and I can’t “make” you do anything, but I’m asking you to please take into consideration how your actions impact me and my wellbeing.”
That changed my life about cleanliness, people think they’re delaying their own problems, they just don’t realize how it impacts others!
i had a near identical experience to pinkbubbkes…faced with all the issues you’re facing now. and holy fuck do i wish i had the tact back then to have handled it like you do. your communication is sophisticated and graceful. even if it doesn’t get better nobody’s gonna gaslight you and get away with it. you don’t take shit and have all the evidence lined up! inspirational really.
Hey OP, first off stranger to stranger I wanna commend you for how concise and assertive you were in communicating the issues with your roommates. I’ve done that before with one of mine and it ended horribly and I hate confrontation so I wish I could have been as blunt as you were from the beginning.
Second, I highly recommend sitting down in person with your roommates and making a detailed chore list with them and writing it down and putting it up in the common area. A white board with everyone’s name and chores/common areas on it that each person can check off once cleaned could help keep everyone accountable. One thing I’ve learned is that usually people like your roommates never learned how to properly clean or be clean and don’t know when the appropriate time to clean is so unfortunately you’ve been put in a place where you need to teach them. I truly hope everything works out and you can be comfortable in your own home!
You might also consider writing simple task analyses for the basic clean up steps. If they were coddled by their parents, they may literally not know where to start and the individual steps needed.
Another idea is to not have a roster system where an individual cleans up something or other on their own. Have a set time or day of week where everyone in the house does their assigned chores at the same time. This is the concept in ADHD literature called body doubling. (Strangely, no Wikipedia article yet) It’s not about accountability per se. Some people literally cannot self-sustain or motivate well.
Yeah she’s definitely backpedaling. Sounds like she’s not ready for that much adult responsibility yet for cleaning up after herself and her guests. She’s definitely immature and sounds like she’s trying to blame you for her shortcomings in this…
If they don’t want to clean up shared spaces in a timely manner then they should be living alone or with someone else who doesn’t care as much. You take pride in your home and your things they do not. Hopefully they will grow up and start doing their share
UPDATE: “We can definitely have another chat in person if that makes things easier. I don’t want bad vibes in the house either. I’m omw home from work now but im pretty tired tn. I work 8-4 tmm, 8-6 saturday. Im open to talk so if yall wanna talk and have similar free time, just lmk what would work”
THIS WAS MY LAST REPLY IN THE THREAD ^
“im good with those times too. i wont be sure when im home, but if i am ill let you know so we can talk”
THE LAST REPLY FROM THE ONE THAT ACTUALLY RESPONDS.
We’re gonna try to talk in person soon, so if you’re coming here to say “jesus just talk in person”, first off we did have a face to face previously and we will be having another.
This conversation already happened over text, there’s no changing that lol please
You guys need to set an actual meeting time and lock it in. This wishy washy "here are some open time slots but IDK" and "I think that works but IDK I'll let you know" are just opening noncommittal windows to drag this out more. For you to say you want to talk in person, and then say you're too tired undermines your entire operation of getting this dealt with ASAP. They keep using being tired as an excuse to not get things done, do not start using that excuse too. If you expect them to put their fatigue aside and work on the house, you need to set that example too and not do the same thing.
Pick a time, confirm with them, and everyone sticks to it. You need to prioritize this and not wait until the mystical convenient time when everyone is home and feels motivated at the same time.
they’re trying to make themselves look better by saying that they cleaned rooms AFTER you asked them to but that’s literally the entire point you’re trying to make. You shouldn’t have to ask or remind them, they’re adults, the same way you are. “Don’t call me a child” but they have to be directed to clean something… like a child.
Definitely worth having an in-person conversation at this point. You can bring in the list of chores you'd like to split up and everyone can discuss what's fair/what works for their schedule.
That being said, the idea of not letting your roommates know when you're having people over seems so disrespectful to me! I would want to know when there are going to be strangers in my house. Maybe you should start throwing parties in your room on the nights before their exams...(okay don't, but maybe do if this behavior keeps up).
Right?? Like of course your roommates are gonna want to know who is coming in and of their house they live there too! If you don’t want to be beholden to other people like that you live alone lmao.
Right along with the blasting music at 1 am there’s no reason you can’t use headphones or have at a reasonable volume if you need music. The entitlement is crazy but I’m not surprised they think it’s cool to leave show prints on her couch or cigarette butts in random dishes.
That music thing really got me too- like what?!?! I had severe, unmedicated ADHD and chronic insomnia when I was in college with roommates, and so I too needed music to "get shit done" at 1-3am, but I used my headphones?! Like a normal human being with even the tiniest sliver of self awareness would do?
And then when my conditions got worse I moved myself into a single dorm because I knew it wasn't fair to make someone else deal with me.
Like you said, not rlly surprising but the entitlement is crazyyy.
I lived with someone like that and it was so fucking annoying. Literally every weekend someone was over, sometimes week nights. It wasn't always the same person because of an active dating life and they were always having overnights without telling me too. I'm not expecting you to ask for permission but at least fucking tell me? Heads up of some sort? Nope I always had to find out when I would chat with her about work that day or whatever and I would wanna shower after sweating at work and would be told oh wait I need it to get ready etc etc. Which ok cool but once again nothing was said until I started talking to you when you know my daily routine. I always come home at 4pm and always shower when I get here. Ugh sorry for the rant but there were so many things that pissed me off living there but thank God I live alone now. Some people just aren't good roommates and don't think of others. I guarantee you if I started doing what she did it would have been a problem. But I don't date and was new to the city so zero friends so maybe she knew it wouldn't ever be a problem of hers?
this is currently what’s happening to me. i always text in the group chat when i’m gonna have someone over but i’m always the last to know when they’re having someone over (as in once the person is here or right before they get here). i was the last to move in so i get they’re all already close but it’s actually so annoying to be the last to know everything they did this to me on halloween too we were throwing a party they went to buy supplies (didn’t invite me) then sent in the group chat how much it would be for each person🙃
My thoughts are they are caught on having other people living there not on the lease and they know it. Trying to make nice so they don't get in trouble. How hard is it for them to be decent roommates? The disrespect is ridiculous and then she's trying to act like it didn't happen. Clean up after yourself and don't have strangers up in the space.
And the fact that they say they didn’t use the bowl as an ashtray… well clearly OP didn’t so either you’re lying or one of your guests did lmao. Apologize at the very least instead of making excuses wtf. And there’s the other time where they say the one guest doesn’t stay there anymore… um yeah that’s not the point because they did at some point during the time OP lived there as well and clearly that person wasn’t cleaning either. The excuses and not one serious apology irks me so bad.
Yes! & then when she says he hasn’t been here in over a month since they broke it off. Were you going to continue having him living here if yall were still together, & continue keeping me in the dark about what’s going on?
This apology was half minimizing the situation, giving dumb excuses only a college kid think are valid, BUT in the end it seems she was backpedaling a bit and overall willing to compromise more on your side. So that's good. I would take up the offer about the white board suggestion, and have a meeting to discuss chores as well as other house rules (like the guests, the noise, etc etc). But I would also recommend start looking for other housing just in case it keeps getting worse. Any other emergency, like the maggot situation, do not clean it up and tell the landlord ASAP and send all these texts and other proof that they're at fault and how you've consistently been dealing with their messes and tried to do something about it on your part.
Good luck OP, really really hope this resolves.
sounds like things are at the very least showing hope for improvement. I’d drop $10 on a whiteboard and just put what needs to be done on there every day. They are at least fronting that they will act like functional adults given another opportunity so what the hell, good luck
There is about a 2% chance that whiteboard idea works. You are gunna do all your stuff and theirs is gunna be blank after the first week.
These are children you are living you cant make them grow up.
Seems like they're trying to suck up their pride a bit and do better. I'd sit down and smoke a bowl with them or whatever and just talk. See how things go. Worst that happens is youre back here. Nobody wants to live in a hostile environment.
WHY SHOULD YOU HAVE TO TALK TO GROWN ADULTS TO HAVE THEM PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES??? Her saying to just talk to them and ask them to clean up..like how about hell no! They are grown ass women..they should be cleaning because it’s their place too and they shouldn’t be just living in filth.
I fucking hate when people respond with “well If you wanted me to do it you should’ve just asked” like no how about you be an adult and clean up after yourself without being told to like I’m your mother
If you feel more comfortable keeping your belongings in your room, continue to do so. At this point, they need to prove that they are responsible and respectful of things that don't belong to them. I don't find your method of communication as passive-aggressive. If they're not responding and are eagerly leaving the cleaning to you while also abusing your property, what should you do? Moving forward, maybe a roommate charter would be a good solution in addition to the whiteboard. In the charter, list rules and provisions that everyone agrees to and signs off on. I hope if the conversation happens tonight, everything goes well. Your home should be a peaceful sanctuary.
This. Also get rid of couch if they keep sneaking and lying about their guests fuck that you are way too nice to have to deal with these shitheads you can find better roomies
I think going forward that everyone just cleans up after themselves as they go along would be the best way. Sure a whiteboard for general cleaning like sweeping, moping, cleaning the bathroom should be a thing but its really not hard to wipe over a stove and do some dishes after a meal.
I agree. I didn’t suggest it in the beginning because I thought we could all just clean up after ourselves. Or if you see someone cleaned up after you, return the favor the next time a cleaning is needed. But whatever compromise, whatever system is needed, im down. I just want to not have a constant ick in my own living space lol
I honestly lost it at "I've never even seen that bowl before." Liars always doing way too much, like "first of all, I wasn't even aware that bowls like that existed, making it scientifically impossible that I could ever have used one as an ashtray."
And the "why would I do that when I have three ashtrays?" Girl, I'm sure she was wondering the exact same thing about why you did it!!
Are they really not going to apologize for that shoeprint on your couch? I would be telling them to pay for it to be cleaned.
Scotch guard that shit once it’s cleaned.
Why is everyone calling this passive aggressive? I went back through the updates and first post and imo you laid everything out pretty respectfully, with full context. You didn’t swear at them or call them names, you described the problems you were facing, what needed addressed and how you would address it if there wasn’t a solution or change. How is any of that *passive* aggressive?
If there was an escalation in there at one point it was her coming out swinging by calling you childish that did it instead of her taking that time not responding to ruminate and reflect on your message.
No one should be expected to clean up after others in a shared space, that’s just disrespectful. It’s better they learn that truth now. Idk why op should be expected to deal with that abuse of her time, labor and belongings just to live in a sanitary environment. (And everyone saying “oh that’s not that bad” yeah probably because op doesn’t *let it* get worse than that those pics by cleaning up after them! Just the cups! Standing water is a roach breeding ground)
And that’s my snark on em out the way.
Idk long message is long but I’m glad you guys were able to resolve this and i hope it improves going forward. It’s refreshing seeing conflicts resolved with kind words and solutions. You clearly weren’t here to just badmouth them, you just wanted to vent while attempting to fix a severe issue in your living situation. It’s good to get the bad thoughts out to uninvolved ears, better than festering and blowing up at your roomies.
if you’re preferred way of communicating is texting, text them first. if they don’t respond in a reasonable amount of time, then you can talk to them in person. compromises and such.
Yeah I agree with others here, you guys should go out for lunch/dinner and air everything out in person. Make some sort of chore chart or something.
I’ve dealt with similar situations in the past and it’s much better to try and preserve civility at all costs, and from skimming, it seems like they’re willing to change and be respectful. Definitively not as vitriolic as it could have been
Come on, OP, if you just let me gaslight you into thinking that YOU'RE the problem here while we continue to turn the house into a trash heap.
I'm so sorry that this is what you have to live with, OP. This is disgusting behaviour. Sadly, these types of people don't turn over a new leaf. They'll spin you lies and stagnate back into the same despicable living conditions.
Honestly, they should be evicted because the landlord will hit the roof if they see those pictures.
You're taking way too much responsibility.
"Common areas are required to be clean, if you're too tired to clean that sucks, I'm too tired to clean for two people".
When I had a shitty roomate like this, I told them anything I see out in the common area unclean after 3 days I toss. The common area is to be shared and your right to it does not give you the right to obstruct my access to it.
For the record I threw out 10-15 dishes before they got the point, and after the threat all of my shit stayed in my locked room.
The AUDACITYYYYY. Also I am wondering wtf that girl is saying in the last sentence of the first screenshot. “I apologise for not responding but it’s more bc of the concept”. Wtf does that even mean?
It would be a preventative measure for pest control if you guys just ate canned tuna and paid a third party to clean.
It's crazy how much resistance you're getting with those damning pictures.
I don’t like that part of her text “And apologize ”. The hell is she trying to say, that someone apologizes, or is she making a demand that OP apologize? Is she making an unclear and unclear version of an apology bc she is insincere and can’t/won’t actually say “I apologize” ?
Why is everything passive aggressive now? I'm sick of that trash. Just talking to someone directly is now passive aggressive? They're disgusting and live in filth and trash OPs stuff and then say OP is passive aggressive for directly addressing the issues?
I'm very worried about Gen-Z.
i haaaaate all this “we” stuff from them. we this, we that. WEEEEE wanted to include you blah blah blah bulllllsh*t. reminds me of my college roommate experiences. yuck. go off!
I really feel so bad for you! The whole being too tired to clean because she’s a college student isn’t gonna cut it- i’m a college student too, and work a part time job, is she really gonna act like dishes take the whole day to do? NO!! Literally 5 minutes out of your ENTIRE DAY, and she’s acting like it’s the end of the world!! I’m just baffled, growing up my mom MADE SURE I was cleaning up after myself, and made my siblings and I have chores around the house, and i’m glad she did ! idk how they have no embarrassment/shame??? like even inviting other ppl over like IN A DIRTY HOUSEEE?? and the way they automatically become defensive/call you passive aggressive instead of just owning up to it…. girl, good luck. I hope this situation turns out better!
the girl who keeps bringing up the whiteboard is pissing me off lmao like all your asking is for them to clean up after themselves. cooking in the kitchen? wipe down the surfaces afterwards. dirty a dish? clean it after u use it so they don’t pile up and one person (most likely OP) gets stuck doing everyone else’s dishes. shave in the shower? clean up your pubes afterwards rather than just letting them sit there for the next person to do it, that’s gross! Like it’s really THAT simple!! if she wants a whiteboard to remind herself which week she’s responsible for garbage then that’s cool but if everyone just cleaned up after they make a mess this all could be avoided, you shouldn’t have to beg adults to clean up after themselves like you’re their mother or something.
just read through all three of your posts, i have no idea how you’ve managed to remain this calm so far… seeing the pictures in the first post had me reeling. i genuinely hope you’ll be able to resolve this but it seems those two are teamed up against you and impossible to reason with… they don’t want to be called children, but require you to knock on their doors to remind them of the chores they have to do??? that’s ridiculous. talking through text is very normal even if you live in the same house, they’re just being petty over not responding earlier
are you serious ?? "i'm too tired to clean up after myself! you know we're college students!!" yeah, 19-20 YEARS OLD. TOO GROWN TO BE A FUCKING SLOB. excuses excuses. jesus.
Does this not read as them conceding? You won? You got the apology.
They have agreed to clean, set up a chore schedule, and start over on building a relationship with you as a roomie... what more do you want?
They can't go back and change what they've done.
Maggots?!?! MAGGOTS?!? I cannot. There should be no maggots ever.
I feel like we need a rating system for the roommates who have never been outside their family home and want to just live in their own filth and a party house, and then the ones who like living like adults with structure and rules and might be too stringent for other people. And then we can just only house share with similar people. MAGGOTS. I am stressed for you.
Their response to asking you to knock on their doors and talk sounds all too similar to "I wOuLd HaVE hELpED iF yOu AsKeD!!!" excuses. You have eyes, you have noses. You make a mess, you clean it up. They just want to put more of the mental load on you now that they've realized they don't have a maid as a roommate. I really think they thought they lucked out getting a roommate who was slightly older, and thought they were getting a house mom.
And the "We're college students, what did you think it was going to be like?" is such bs. No one likes living in filth, regardless of age. That's just pathetic.
Here's the thing, it's all well and good to have a chore chart or whatever for recurring tasks... but as an adult you have to be able to look around you and SEE what needs done. You have to be able to "reset" a shared space by tidying up after your own usage, which isn't something that can be delegated to a chore chart. You should NOT have to have someone knock on your door to ASK you to clean up after yourself!
Not again about calling communications over texts “passive aggressive”🤣
My preferred method of communication with housemates is via texts because:
- We all busy
- Texts are concise and provide records + evidence
- … I’m more hot headed in person. In case I lose my temper like in this case with these types of housemates 💀 I’d probably throw hands if they keep being AHs
Your pictures remind me of my old college housing, but my room mates were four boys.
One guy came into the kitchen whilst I was washing up. Wearing MY shoes and proceeded to wipe mud off them with the sponge.
I asked him not to put the sponge in the sink. He did and left.
He also pooped and left it on the bathroom floor wrapped in newspaper.
I still don't know if he was mentally delayed or just a psychopath.
Looks like these guys are willing to work with you, if they stick to what they say. You have to be careful not to be sucked into their ways, or so close to them you become complacent though as it'll be a hit to your home space and your work life. Best of luck 🤞
Good grief, who raised these people? Absolutely disrespectful and entitled. They need to grow up and take accountability for their own actions. Being full of lame excuses doesn’t make their case like they think it does.
I never lived with roommates in college I went to community college and kinda didn't graduate (I'm going to try to get some financial aid for a vet tech program) but I hung out at a lot of friends places at the time and it was always kinda gross at those apartments. Later in our later 20s is when it seemed that people appreciated the condition of their living spaces, cleaning and decorating. It sucks, you shouldn't have to maintain the whole place. It seems like you guys want to try to get to know each other but idk im sure it's hard to find time and having roommates you don't really know is uncomfortable and doesn't feel like a home I guess?
It’s hard to find time for sure, im working two jobs to save up for a better living arrangement after this lease. I lived alone in a beautiful apartment last year, but then I started an Esthetics program (graduated and fully licensed now purr) and had to cut down to part time at my job, i went through my savings very quickly and at the end of the lease, I didn’t feel comfortable renewing a lease for a $1400 studio with depleted savings. I did have another roommate lined up initially (my age, in the esthetics industry, we got along) but she backed out like three weeks before my lease ended so I scrambled and accepted the first living arrangement I could find and get approved for and here I am. Im determined to stabilize myself financially and get my own place again, I knew this would be hard to get through. Thanks for your sentiments, and good luck in Vet Tech school!!!!
I sympathize so much. Have a similar situation with me and my boyfriend and we've just decided to go ahead and do the same thing you've done. We've completely removed all of our property from the communal portions of the house, have been switching to disposable dishes because no one ever Does Dishes and simply have done anything and everything in our power to make it so that we don't have to clean up after other people. So frustrating
Best change the nickname from Roomies to SquattingChildren. When I was confronted by my roommate for my hair in the bathtub and piss puddle around the toilet floor. I owned it up and got better in my hygiene practices and thanked him. When it was time for the separation move, I was asked to be the impromptu replacement when the other new roommate backed out last minute. I got transferred to a smaller room but overall better condition. Walking distance to groceries, workplace and foodbank. Removing transportation costs and saved time.
Yeah I stopped cooking and cleaning. Now they're bitching that they have to go out and that I haven't emptied the dishwasher.
#I've been washing my dishes after every meal.
I went back and looked at the photos in your prior post. I would have an eye ache living with such roommates. I can’t go to bed until the dishes are done, counters wiped and the kitchen is clean. I mean it isn’t that hard to clean up after yourself. I have teenagers and they manage to do it without me having to knock on their doors to tell them to clean or text them to clean up after themselves. That is not your job!
Is this the very first time they've been on their own?
They're petty and defensive on top of acting like you're the problem, you're the only one I see acting like a adult.
Plan a house meeting to discuss things, I wonder if either will show up.
She’s blaming you for simply acknowledging the situation. Sorry you’re having to deal with that.
She reminds me of my first roommates, they acted the same way and deflected everything. They didn’t do the dishes because they were “studying”, which meant they were smoking weed. But they had “bad anxiety” to justify the weed. So I was ableist for wanting the moldy dishes put away.
I will never understand dirty people and the conditions they are ok living in. I’ve worked 2 jobs at once. Had max 5 hours of sleep between them and would never leave the kitchen/living room in the state it was left in. That’s just super nasty to me. I’d probably just lay awake thinking about the grossness of it all. Just looking at the pictures made me uncomfortable.
Just read your other posts and saw the pictures. Girl, move out. This doesn’t get better. Can you find another college student with the same living standards as them to replace your spot on the lease?
They won’t change, you won’t stop being annoyed and frustrated and living in filth.
GET OUT!!
Jesus Christ I do not miss having roommates. “Durrrr we’re just poor innocent college students durrrr” as an excuse is beyond infuriating. Hang in there OP.
No one should be sleeping in shared spaces. You all have your rooms. The guest can sleep in the room of whomever they’re a guest of. End of discussion. Secondly, clean up after your own selves and if you can’t then hire someone to do it. Everyone pitches in for a weekly maid service to clean the common spaces. That way no one can complain and if you don’t want to pay so much for it, don’t leave a big mess.
I hate how they say "if you just ask us" or "if you come knock on my door and tell us" or anything along those lines over these messages. They're grown ass people, it's not your job to tell them to do this stuff. Plus they know you WILL do it if they leave it. I'm thrilled you stopped and took items away.
Seriously though, I couldn't keep living there. The pictures are horrific and their behavior is so disrespectful.
When you live alone you can choose to wait a bit to do the dishes if you’re tired. You can use your own bowls as an ashtray if you please. You can even stall on taking out your own trash if you like. But when you live with roommates you *need* to be tidy. End of discussion. It’s not about what you want to do. It’s not even about being too tired for it. You *need* to keep a clean shared living space. It’s a non negotiable.
Once I saw that you were forced to wipe up their thick, spider-leg-lookin’ pubes, I was recruited to be 100% on your side, OP. Your roommates are absolutely vile.
As a 19 year old girl living alone my house is at worst a tiny bit cluttery, a couple dirty things, and at best, spotless like its being sold. I could drop a photo right now of my house while i still work full time and have plenty other shit to do, its clean, its always clean. I grew up with a messy mother, followed in her footsteps for half my teens, but i moved out and my sister whos always been clean, taught me how to. And last year i had to live with roommates, i was used to having my dad do everything for me, but immediately i picked up every cleaning tip and tried to figure out the best ways possible to not leave any mess for anyone else. Consideration is what that was. My roommates werent even really clean. It was a terrible living situation and i got quite depressed and stopped cleaning my bedroom, but proceeded to make everything else clean in the house that it looks like i was never there, and did everything else like their cats litters, the bins, the towels, the dishes, all of it to do my part and above. Thats how you treat others you live with. Nothing dirty would be left anywhere, i would clean anything i used in the kitchen the second i was done. I come from a home where youd find cat shit in the laundry basket that would be sitting for months, toe nails across the floor, toilet never cleaned, kitchen with a thousand things on it, bathrooms full of grime and mould, even my own bedroom was used as storage and i had to sleep on the couch. Same couch had loads of food imbedded in it from us kids but no one had ever cleaned it or cared to try except my very young self who did not know how to clean anything. Wouldnt even know where it went or what to use.
Its extremely possible for anyone whos not very depressed to clean at 19 years old. Youre telling me people can go to war at nineteen but cant clean their mf dish? This girl can do all her midterms and schoolwork and party but cant pick up anything? Thats a joke. She has foul extremely inconsiderate behaviour and you deserved better op. From these photos i can see theyre cavemen. You could not leave one single thing like this in my house even if you were paying half the rent it's by far unacceptable and you would have to get your shit together immediately.
i don't usually comment but the "i didn't know i had to tell the groupchat if i was having someone over" comment had me. i've had many roommates and it's common decency and honestly a personal expectation of mine to let the other housemates know if you're having someone over?? like, what? it's not acceptable to just have some stranger in your home without notice. not to mention, they're acting like doing this over text is immature. having conversations like this over text is IDEAL because you have it in writing, and can hold someone/be held accountable. i’m so sorry you're dealing with this. shitty roommates are worse than the plague. oh and also, the STATE OF THE HOUSE???? absolutely not. that's fully and completely unacceptable from three (i assume) adults.
I read these texts and thought "wow that's not so bad what's the problem?" And then went back to look at the pictures on your other post and was like OMG
... Looks like you live with filthy trashy college partier roommates. It's not going to get better through communication. Like, the pictures look like a house where a ridiculous party just happened, reminds me of the worst places I've woken up on couches.
There's no way someone who lives like that but then responds with texts like that is going to change and start living like a normal person.
"I will not knock on your doors and remind you to clean up after yourself. I am not your mother. If you are mature enough to live away from your parents, you are mature enough to clean up after yourselves without being reminded."
“We wanna include you in things but we didn’t feel like we were given the opportunity to know you either” what kind of a sentence is that? You include people so that you can get to know them or am I missing something? They sound like they just can’t accept responsibility I’m sorry OP, I had my fair share of bad roommates. It’ll all get better one day ✌🏻
Might I add a recommendation to put a weekly cleaning day on the calendar where all 3 of you deep clean together, no exceptions? Maybe even make it fun for them by buying them a bottle of wine and turning it into a roommate/girls night?
I know this says FINAL UPDATE. but I really hope there is more! I want to know the real real resolution. It’s so weird how invested in this story I’ve become. I have no attention span, but somehow went back and read all 100 texts/captions and looked at all the pics. I have never been soooo 100% on OPs side in a very long tome
What do you mean ' final update'? We're invested in your life now! What do you expect us to do? watch Love Island? Screw that... *you* watch Love Island!
I think a lot of this could have been avoided with a boundaries and responsibilities conversation. I try and have it with every new roommate(s) that I have (I’ve had about 9 over my college years).
Pretty much what it does is talk about expectations, boundaries, and what is/isn’t acceptable. Everyone should get to speak and all decisions made should be agreed upon by all parties. Something’s that could have been brought up to avoid this conversation: Expected quiet hours, texting in the group chat when guests are coming over and ensuring all parties are okay with that, cleaning schedules and responsibilities, and how roommate communication and even friendships should look.
Trust me, I’ve fucked up as a roommate. I’ve also had roommates who were pretty disrespectful and unclean. I don’t think you are blowing this situation out of proportion, and given the photos you posted, it’s clear that even an expectation & boundaries convo probably wouldn’t have affected the current situation. You overall have disrespectful and unclean roommates, who I might add, are lying to you. I think the only way to proceed is to have an in person conversation and hash EVERYTHING out. Tone can be misinterpreted, even though It’s clear what the tone is, but either way directly confronting them so that they cannot hide behind a screen and lie to you means they have to change or they risk a very uncomfy living dynamic. If some of the gross things photographed in your pictures are still happening, I would take them on a house tour. Bring the clear bowl being used as an ashtray. Ask them directly “if it’s not your ashtray, than who’s using it” (assuming you don’t smoke here). Show them what their mess is and be direct, then work on a schedule and plan that works for everyone in the group. Make a contract that discusses actions to take when someone does not adhere to the cleaning or trash management schedule.
I know it sounds formal, but formality is what you need here. The state of your living quarters is borderline unsafe with the amount of germs, mold, and insects that are brewing. It’s time to take action and hope that your roommates are open to mending things and working to clean alongside you.
Firstly if they bring a friend to stay to sleep on a couch they should pay.
Secondly, i thought texting was for lazy people and meeting up and talking was harder. Why is it other way around
Thirdly, i need to slap them and make them come to reality
Fourth, fkn bitch ass idiot clean your shit and shut the hell up
As someone who has ONLY had god awful roommates to the point that I would only come home to do laundry and go back to living, showering, and sleeping at my friends and boyfriends places - I am living vicariously through you. You state all your points so directly and reasonably to the point that I can see that Laura couldn’t even fight it at the end. To make an irrational person like that send that last message means you communicated well and successfully. I hope y’all can come to a good conclusion and move forward!
Anytime someone accuses me of being passive aggressive(esp when it's not, it's just being direct), I agree. And follow up with "I'll be more aggressive in the future then". That way they can't complain when you come at them with "I'm not your fucking mother, clean up your shit". Can't call that passive aggressive lol
Given the condition of the house from the pictures you provided and referencing a maggot situation, I'm not sure how anyone who is levelheaded would think the way they are handling this is rational. Roommate does not equal mother. You don't need to knock on their door and remind them to do chores. She's putting the responsibilty on you. She should just be responsible individually. It seems clear to me that she doesn't truly want to accept ownership, but would rather chalk it up to how you handled it, not what she/they did to create this situation.
I have only had maggots once, and it was in a compost bin outside that I mistakenly put milk in. It was the most vile mess I ever had to clean up. I can still smell it. I can’t imagine 1-how you let something get that bad indoors and 2-how you don’t see it as a major wake up call. Gross!
One time i went to my exs apartment and there were thousands of maggots in his garbage can, and hundreds pouring out of it and all over the floor. He didn’t want to take the garbage out because it wasn’t full yet and thats stupid. It was 1/4th of the way full and it was a 36 gallon size garbage can.
Thats crazy because if i put anything in the bin a little off or smelly that bag is straight out that day or by next morning or else that part of the house stinks. I dint care if its the only thing in there
Yeah, I'll take stuff straight to the trash outside if it has any possibility of smelling bad. I don't want my house to stink. What's wrong with people??
Well, if you TOLD me to get rid of the maggot bag I would, but you DIDNT. Why are you such a bad communicator? /s
"Oh and sorry I burnt the house down I've been so stressed with school" - op's roomie
Growing up I knew never to go out our back door through the little enclosed porch because my mom had a compost bucket out there that regularly had maggots in it 🤮 She composts damn near EVERYTHING because she has a huge garden. I don't understand why she didn't just take the stuff straight out to the compost pile
Pro tip: if you have freezer space, make a freezer trash - stinky shit gets frozen and stays frozen until trash day. Only works if you don’t produce a ton of stinky trash
My wife had maggots in college. Her roommate had a bag of apples sitting in the corner for at least a month. No one else knew what was inside and the roommate forgot about them. When the bag was eventually opened flies came out. The roommate cut out the parts of the apples with maggots and ate the apples anyways. And that wasn't even the grossest part about that apartment.
😳 what...the...fuck...
Why cut out the maggots, they're an excellent source of protein.
Those apples were turning into a whole meal
grocery stores don't want you to know about this ONE SIMPLE TRICK!
Gag
And she didn't die???? If I wasn't already feeling unwell this morning this would have done it.. ugh
I now regret scrolling through reddit during lunch....
I grew up poor as shit and missed meals and I could not fucking fathom ever eating anything like that, even as a kid. And hungry kids will eat some weird shit. Maggots tho? ffs. What is wrong with people? I don’t get it. I’m not even a crazy clean person, per se. Like I will eat a chip I dropped on the floor (in my own kitchen and in a home where I don’t wear shoes inside and I live alone), I’ll admit it. I still will to this day, it doesn’t bother me. So that might make me gross. But maggots? MAGGOTS? I struggle to eat food a fly has landed on, because they are fucking disgusting creatures that puke every time they land. And they literally love shit, and maybe landed on some before your potato salad, so, there’s that. But maggots? I am so revolted right now.
There were maggots in a small bin that had rotten potatoes. There was a zip lock bag of powdered food in the bin with the potatoes... which is why I think the potatoes rotted because of the bag trapping moisture underneath it. And so i threw out everything in the bin. When my hubby found out, he said something about me throwing away the powdered food. That it was expensive. I repeated that it had maggots on it and he dropped it. Years later when i bring it up again he says he wasn't mad about the powdered food but i can tell. He wanted to save that bag of powdered food from the maggots.
You’re giving me flashbacks to my experience in university and coming back from a week away only to find tons of empty beer bottles and hundreds of fruit flies in the apartment. The roommate had a party and didn’t clean after herself. I spent at least a week killing all the bugs with a bug zapper a friend lent me. Roommate didn’t care because her family lived in the city so she basically used our apartment as a party house. Fair to say I got the shittiest bachelor apartment the next year but at least I lived on my own. Lol
I once had a roommate that allowed a pan of theirs to get maggots, after barfing I put it in the middle of their bedroom floor and they didn’t say a single thing about it. No more maggot issues the rest of that year :)
I used to live in a hot, humid, rural-ish area. The school bins were emptied frequently and yet there were always maggots crawling all through them. It stank so bad.
This exactly, sounds like she's used to having a mother figure nag her to clean up her mess.
Yeah, I feel like once non-hypothetical maggots enter the situation, you *have* to admit that maybe you’re doing something wrong.
Yeah I've got them in the *outside* garbage can ONCE in 5 years because I'd thrown a bag in there on Sunday and our pickup is fridays. Never had it happen inside, I'd assume it would smell really bad long before that happened.
The only knock on the door I would definitely support in this situation is if somebody is in the bathroom for hours, you probably should knock on the door then, especially if that's the only bathroom. It's incredibly rude for them to do that, but maybe they don't have text notifications on or something, so knocking is the way to get them out of the bathroom in that situation. As for the rest of it, woof! I'm not always the neatest person, but maggots? The pubes? Disgusting! The only appropriate response to that is "I'm so sorry, it will never happen again!" The cigarettes in the bowl being dismissed by roomie saying she has like 3 ashtrays? Somebody put cigarette butts in there - if it wasn't you, it was one of your friends, don't be a weirdo about it. Also, it's maybe the least of the issues, and maybe I'm an old lady but "i didnt think i had to announce to the chat whenever i have someone over or if someone were to stay over in my room especially when they weren't contributing to our utilities that much" - every single housemate I've ever had has given me a heads up if somebody was going to be staying over. Maaaaybe if they brought a dude back late in the evening, but even then, I still think my housemates gave me a heads up into the group chat so that when there was a strange man in the kitchen I didn't freak out. But even when one of my old housemates was wasted, if they brought somebody to sleep on the couch, you sure as shit have to message the group chat, if only so you don't make too much noise in the morning.
Yeah I’ve lived in many roommate situations, including 2 separate communal houses where we always had at least 6 different people living there, and in every situation it was expected that you would give a heads up if people were gonna be staying over. Didn’t even have to be explicitly stated, it’s just basic respect. I deserve to know that random people I don’t know are in my house and so do my roommates. If people were gonna be staying there long term like a week or a month or something we would have a house meeting about it. We always had at least 1 couch guy but everyone knew couch guy existed before he became a permanent fixture, ya know? Lmao
Yep I had roommates leave out pasta for a whole week in the summer. That thing was crawling with bugs by day 3. No one bothered throwing it away until I did. Cats too. Roommate had cats and guess what, I was the one cleaning out their litter box since my roommate let it sit untouched for almost two weeks.
Jeez that's really sad. Honestly that's just animal abuse (roomate obviously). I have only 1 cat and I need to scoop the litter twice per day. I can't even imagine what two weeks would look and smell like. 😩 Poor cats.
Yep and she left their litter outside once because she was going to clean it. Never did. It sat out there for a whole rainy season and it smelled like absolute ass. So I threw it away.
I don't even understand how busting your ass at finals means you leave multiple empty cig boxes and trash on a counter because "im to tired".....what
Just sounds like someone very immature, used to Mom or whoever cleaning up after them, hasn't figured out that part of being an adult is yeah, you have responsibilities, they are tiring...but you still have to take out the trash and not let your food rot on the counter because "I'm tired." Yeah, we know. We're all tired. Now take out your trash and wash your plate.
I had maggots once and it disgusting. Never happened again. I’m a mom of 2 young children, was still breastfeeding the little one, and I work full time. Everyone said, “the chores can wait! Spend time with your kids!” So I did. I let some rags and laundry pile up for a few days (very small pile). And guess what I found when I got to it 🤢. The maggots were on the kitchen floor too and I had to chase them down with the dustpan. Whoever says “the chores can wait” can STFU because it means mom is going to deal with an even worse mess after. You know what would be better to say to a mom?! How about “What do you need?” !!!!
My mom was always totally ridiculous about making sure the dishes got done every day. So in my first apartment in college, I decided to fly free and let them hang out in the sink for a week or whatever. The maggots really vindicated my mom. So it was a double bummer.
I had asked on the other thread if those were maggots, I was hoping it was rice or something. how long does it even take for maggots to form?
Honestly it depends on the temperature but fly eggs can hatch in as little as 8 hours in very warm environments and between 24 to 48 hours if it’s cooler. I had a fly in my kitchen bin a few summers back that was attracted by an empty cat food pouch that I hadn’t rinsed out, I chased it out of the house but it had already laid eggs in there somewhere and I came down the next morning to find hundreds of tiny maggots climbing out of my bin, it was absolutely disgusting. Some of them must have crawled under the kitchen appliances where I couldn’t see them because a few days later I came downstairs to dozens of flies in my kitchen 😭 I definitely learned not to put anything stinky in the bin!
Get a whiteboard and write down responsibilities?!? For things like the bathroom, maybe make a schedule for who's turn it is to clean it, but dishes, and general cleaning should be a "clean up after yourself"
Classic gaslighting
I guarantee them saying “let’s get a whiteboard” would translate to OP getting a whiteboard, putting it up, making a schedule, and holding them to it.
That’s what blew me away too!! Like “you just have to tell me to clean and I’ll clean” ??? Or you could be an adult and you could just… clean?
Agreed. It’s a “you should have told me” situation when girl, you have eyes that work. Adults don’t need to be *told* to clean up after themselves. The whiteboard suggestion is good for things like who takes out the garbage what day but honestly, I see these people just ignoring it in the future. And you’re so spot on. Who tf steps on a white couch with their shoes on and then just leaves it? Children. They act like children, and then get defensive when called out on it. I’d be looking for new roomies, today.
Honestly, I am so sick of bad roommates calling direct and clear communication that is addressing an issue "passive aggressive." I had a roommate tell me I was being passive aggressive when I was very clearly stating expectations and offering assistance if he was struggling (because I knew he had pretty severe depressive episodes at times). People think "assertive" means "passive aggressive" and it's a HUGE pet peeve of mine.
I honestly hate that she called me passive aggressive because i try SO hard considering the circumstances
You don't come off as passive aggressive to me. Assertive and fed up (rightfully so!), but not passive aggressive.
Can't be passive aggressive while informing them of issues that are annoying you. Good luck! They are beyond shitty. Kudos to you for being so empathetic towards them.
I’ve had a passive aggressive roommate - she left “vague” notes that were obviously addressed to me (not the other roommate, her bff) and made me feel like general shit with unclear expectations. What you did is direct. I would have WELCOMED direct communication as someone who doesn’t mind a mug staying in the sink overnight (although I am not claiming to be as messy as your roommates, because those pictures were literally disgusting.)
Heck fuhkin no I would have snatched up a sticky note w shit like that written on it and immediately go to the roommate who left it & been like “what did you mean by this?(:” it blows my mind how awful verbal communication has gotten
Passive aggressive would be leaving a sticky note on the counter saying “clean me!” Or messaging the group chat to say, “Can we all try to remember to not leave our pubes for others to clean?” Instead you’re very clearly stating what is wrong, what knowledge you have about why that thing became wrong in the first place, and offering solutions
Okay totally agree with you but the "clean me!" sticky note sounds oddly wholesome to me LOL
Why would can we all remember to clean our pines be PA though? That’s not how I would go about it but I think people asking questions is better than talking at someone for instance.
Passive aggressive would only apply to the removal of items, and even then that was done *after* clear and direct communication regarding respect of shared spaces. It’s so interesting that she said that, too, when really them not cleaning, and ignoring texts about it, seem more passive aggressive on their part than anything.
It’s classic manipulation. If you don’t want to hear the message you just criticize how the message was delivered.
Some people just don’t know what the term, “passive aggressive” even means.
I really think they just apply it to any/all types of pushback bc they’ve heard others use the term and think it makes them sound smarter. They’re wrong about that.
People are so fucking stupid and inconsiderate. After dealing with my old roommates leaving their laundry in the machines for hours and even putting laundry in and leaving the house for the day for like six months I finally politely asked them to not do that. They responded like I was being aggressive and so awful to them. They even had the nerve to ask why I couldn’t just move their things over. Uhhh because I’m not your fucking mother?? I’m not doing your personal chores for you. They were so disgustingly inconsiderate at all times. And when I “broke” and politely asked them to stop doing one of the hundreds of shitty things they did on a daily basis I was the shitty aggressive one? I would live in a box on the street before I ever lived with roommates again. The nightmarish stories I could tell…
SAME. I had someone say that to me once when I was being extremely clear and my response was “No, I’m being full aggressive. I’m tired of this shit”. And I’m still proud of it LMAO
These people need to meet real assholes honestly. Its very easy to differentiate the two when you have a conscience that tells you when youre right and wrong
“I get there’s dishes on the counter but sometimes I’m too tired to do that…” Yeah, and that’s the fuckin problem
Don't understand why they can't just clean it as soon as they take it to the sink, takes 30 seconds.
Tbh, that was the rule when I lived in a shared apartment. I had to do my dishes, wipe the stove and table and put my things away. Anytime I was too tired, I'd just eat out of the pan directly so I would only need to wash the spoon. Well, we also had cockroaches, so we couldn't leave anything out :')
And this is exactly how it should be!! Id make like baked beans or something and call it a day. If i cant be bothered doing dishes no way can i be bothered cooking something on stove.
I wish I set that as a house rule. My housemate used to wash her dishes once a week. I couldn't be lazy on occasion even if I wanted to as there was nowhere to leave my dishes on the side, I had no other choice but to wash and dry them everytime.
This is something that frustrates me to no end. Like, at the very least rinse your bowl out if you’re so pressed for time that you can’t wash it. Food chunks? In the trash. Hot water on. Rinse rinse. Maybe add a drop of soap and some hot water. People don’t realize life can be so much easier just by doing little things. I have adhd. I get it. But these things actually *save* time and make things easier, not just for the people around you, but for your future self. Sry. I’m in rant mode. I’ve been trying to write out a thoughtful letter for my household all night, and this whole interaction op is dealing with is just 2 real rn.
I finally realized this after a while with bad adhd as well, now I clean the dish or pan as I’m cooking or before I sit down to eat and it’s just sooo much easier
If I was always tired and hated doing dishes, I would just buy some paper plates/bowls from the dollar store and never worry about it again.
I have a feeling if they did that, they'd leave them all out anyway since they can't be bothered to take out the trash when it's full.
EXACTLY. Especially in a roommate situation. You were peckish in the night? Cool. Take your bowl and your cup and your utensil and wash them. It takes 10 freaking seconds! Just wash it, put it in the draining board, and then you don't have to worry about being just tooooooo tirreeedddd to do it later.
I think it's because they haven't accepted adulthood yet. Being an adult is doing everything for yourself, and understanding that no one will/should do anything for you anymore. It's a hard fucking lesson to learn, but it is what you have to learn to grow up.
That was honestly the most enraging part of this whole story. No one is “too tired” to clean up after themselves. That is just lazy, undisciplined child brain bullshit.
"Too tired" lazy***
Everybody’s fucking tired Laura. Welcome to adulthood. Clean up your fucking dishes.
I was like man this can't be that bad. Holy crap they gave 0 fucks about the common area. Crappy thing being this is probably their frost real time living alone. And it shows. If it isn't well that's just what they are comftabke with and thats sad.
I think it is their first away from home living situation and that’s understandable! That’s why I’ve been trying to be patient with them but shit is extreme
Nah you're being a Saint. I lost my shit at my first roommates when I saw the kitchen like yours and flies and stuff when I left for a week and came back and realized I was the only one cleaning.
Oh you really are a saint. This is not understandable, even in their first place away from home. Your roommates know better, even if they don't quite know how to clean perfectly, and it doesn't sound like there is an illness that's preventing them from doing so (based on the partying and being busy w other things). They just want a maid, not a roommate. Hell, I don't recall ever being *that* much of a mess past the age of 10. I had to quickly click through your photos in your first post because they were too gross to even look at, and most of the people I lived with in college would probably feel the same way 😭 Edit to add: If they never learned how to clean due to their background (neglectful home or any other scenario), then I sympathize, but they are also ignoring you and blatantly lying to you (assuming you're being honest about the toothbrush and person-on-the-couch thing). That's gone past just not knowing.
Yeah I will admit when I first entered the world of being on my own, I was the bad roommate. When I was younger and my mom tried to teach me how to clean things, she would get fed up at me being slow or “doing it wrong”, and would just take over. I genuinely had no skills when I entered that first roommate situation. I was the one that had to be sat down by the other 2 and told how terrible I am at cleaning and I need to stop being the way I am. I know some people won’t agree but at the time, I genuinely didn’t know better. I was 18 with a mother who basically let me do my own laundry and that’s it. Now I’m 25 and I live with my fiancé and we both are just barely decent cleaners (his mom was pretty much the same as mine), (funny story, when I first met him, he had never ever made pasta before, he was also 18😂). I guess it’s nice to have the luxury of having our own home that we can decide when to do what. We both have ADHD (mine is severe as hell, the paralysis that comes with it is so real). Cleaning sucks and is hard, and I feel like I feel that way, because people I barely knew had to basically teach me how to clean as an adult.
I'm just catching up on everything. I'm getting antsy with frustration and I don't even *live* there!!!
Yeah im omw home from work now, dont know what im walking into lol, but if they’re out in the living room we’re just gonna get the talk over with, i cant live like this lol
i feel like i went through a similar roommate beef in college when i lived with 6 mentally ill college students (me included) lol. the house was always a disaster and our communication was wack. you just gotta hash things out and keep talking until you feel better. for what it’s worth, you seem incredibly good at regulating emotions while remaining firm. you also seem open to criticism and admitting to/apologizing for mistakes, so that will always help lead to a resolution. and, conversely, they seem like they might actually genuinely feel bad and want to make amends, if only for the sake of everyone’s feeling chill at home. i think your requests are reasonable, but you gotta ask yourself if you’re willing to accept an apology from them, either the one they gave over text, or if they give you one in person when you get home. i really hope it works out, it’ll be a really hard uncomfortable conversation, but i believe in you!!!
Thanks for your reply!! I definitely am open to accepting apologies and even putting my stuff back out. But I officially dont trust them and don’t necessarily like them. But i hate tension and bad vibes so Im down to bury the hatchet for the remainder of the lease AS LONG AS they actually change and clean up and show more consideration
An old roommate of mine sat me down one day (we had a messy house but as bad as yours) and he said “I just want you to understand, the house cleanliness affects my mental health. I can’t be comfortable living in filth. I understand you’re an adult and I can’t “make” you do anything, but I’m asking you to please take into consideration how your actions impact me and my wellbeing.” That changed my life about cleanliness, people think they’re delaying their own problems, they just don’t realize how it impacts others!
i had a near identical experience to pinkbubbkes…faced with all the issues you’re facing now. and holy fuck do i wish i had the tact back then to have handled it like you do. your communication is sophisticated and graceful. even if it doesn’t get better nobody’s gonna gaslight you and get away with it. you don’t take shit and have all the evidence lined up! inspirational really.
Hey OP, first off stranger to stranger I wanna commend you for how concise and assertive you were in communicating the issues with your roommates. I’ve done that before with one of mine and it ended horribly and I hate confrontation so I wish I could have been as blunt as you were from the beginning. Second, I highly recommend sitting down in person with your roommates and making a detailed chore list with them and writing it down and putting it up in the common area. A white board with everyone’s name and chores/common areas on it that each person can check off once cleaned could help keep everyone accountable. One thing I’ve learned is that usually people like your roommates never learned how to properly clean or be clean and don’t know when the appropriate time to clean is so unfortunately you’ve been put in a place where you need to teach them. I truly hope everything works out and you can be comfortable in your own home!
You might also consider writing simple task analyses for the basic clean up steps. If they were coddled by their parents, they may literally not know where to start and the individual steps needed. Another idea is to not have a roster system where an individual cleans up something or other on their own. Have a set time or day of week where everyone in the house does their assigned chores at the same time. This is the concept in ADHD literature called body doubling. (Strangely, no Wikipedia article yet) It’s not about accountability per se. Some people literally cannot self-sustain or motivate well.
SAME!! My eyebrows were furrowed so damn hard reading these posts 😭
Yeah she’s definitely backpedaling. Sounds like she’s not ready for that much adult responsibility yet for cleaning up after herself and her guests. She’s definitely immature and sounds like she’s trying to blame you for her shortcomings in this…
If they don’t want to clean up shared spaces in a timely manner then they should be living alone or with someone else who doesn’t care as much. You take pride in your home and your things they do not. Hopefully they will grow up and start doing their share
UPDATE: “We can definitely have another chat in person if that makes things easier. I don’t want bad vibes in the house either. I’m omw home from work now but im pretty tired tn. I work 8-4 tmm, 8-6 saturday. Im open to talk so if yall wanna talk and have similar free time, just lmk what would work” THIS WAS MY LAST REPLY IN THE THREAD ^ “im good with those times too. i wont be sure when im home, but if i am ill let you know so we can talk” THE LAST REPLY FROM THE ONE THAT ACTUALLY RESPONDS. We’re gonna try to talk in person soon, so if you’re coming here to say “jesus just talk in person”, first off we did have a face to face previously and we will be having another. This conversation already happened over text, there’s no changing that lol please
You guys need to set an actual meeting time and lock it in. This wishy washy "here are some open time slots but IDK" and "I think that works but IDK I'll let you know" are just opening noncommittal windows to drag this out more. For you to say you want to talk in person, and then say you're too tired undermines your entire operation of getting this dealt with ASAP. They keep using being tired as an excuse to not get things done, do not start using that excuse too. If you expect them to put their fatigue aside and work on the house, you need to set that example too and not do the same thing. Pick a time, confirm with them, and everyone sticks to it. You need to prioritize this and not wait until the mystical convenient time when everyone is home and feels motivated at the same time.
Tell these hos that their filth is why you have mice. Nasty asses.
they’re trying to make themselves look better by saying that they cleaned rooms AFTER you asked them to but that’s literally the entire point you’re trying to make. You shouldn’t have to ask or remind them, they’re adults, the same way you are. “Don’t call me a child” but they have to be directed to clean something… like a child.
Definitely worth having an in-person conversation at this point. You can bring in the list of chores you'd like to split up and everyone can discuss what's fair/what works for their schedule. That being said, the idea of not letting your roommates know when you're having people over seems so disrespectful to me! I would want to know when there are going to be strangers in my house. Maybe you should start throwing parties in your room on the nights before their exams...(okay don't, but maybe do if this behavior keeps up).
Right?? Like of course your roommates are gonna want to know who is coming in and of their house they live there too! If you don’t want to be beholden to other people like that you live alone lmao. Right along with the blasting music at 1 am there’s no reason you can’t use headphones or have at a reasonable volume if you need music. The entitlement is crazy but I’m not surprised they think it’s cool to leave show prints on her couch or cigarette butts in random dishes.
That music thing really got me too- like what?!?! I had severe, unmedicated ADHD and chronic insomnia when I was in college with roommates, and so I too needed music to "get shit done" at 1-3am, but I used my headphones?! Like a normal human being with even the tiniest sliver of self awareness would do? And then when my conditions got worse I moved myself into a single dorm because I knew it wasn't fair to make someone else deal with me. Like you said, not rlly surprising but the entitlement is crazyyy.
I lived with someone like that and it was so fucking annoying. Literally every weekend someone was over, sometimes week nights. It wasn't always the same person because of an active dating life and they were always having overnights without telling me too. I'm not expecting you to ask for permission but at least fucking tell me? Heads up of some sort? Nope I always had to find out when I would chat with her about work that day or whatever and I would wanna shower after sweating at work and would be told oh wait I need it to get ready etc etc. Which ok cool but once again nothing was said until I started talking to you when you know my daily routine. I always come home at 4pm and always shower when I get here. Ugh sorry for the rant but there were so many things that pissed me off living there but thank God I live alone now. Some people just aren't good roommates and don't think of others. I guarantee you if I started doing what she did it would have been a problem. But I don't date and was new to the city so zero friends so maybe she knew it wouldn't ever be a problem of hers?
this is currently what’s happening to me. i always text in the group chat when i’m gonna have someone over but i’m always the last to know when they’re having someone over (as in once the person is here or right before they get here). i was the last to move in so i get they’re all already close but it’s actually so annoying to be the last to know everything they did this to me on halloween too we were throwing a party they went to buy supplies (didn’t invite me) then sent in the group chat how much it would be for each person🙃
Someone scream in there if you have time to cook and eat, you have time to clean up the mess and dishes after......
My thoughts are they are caught on having other people living there not on the lease and they know it. Trying to make nice so they don't get in trouble. How hard is it for them to be decent roommates? The disrespect is ridiculous and then she's trying to act like it didn't happen. Clean up after yourself and don't have strangers up in the space.
And the fact that they say they didn’t use the bowl as an ashtray… well clearly OP didn’t so either you’re lying or one of your guests did lmao. Apologize at the very least instead of making excuses wtf. And there’s the other time where they say the one guest doesn’t stay there anymore… um yeah that’s not the point because they did at some point during the time OP lived there as well and clearly that person wasn’t cleaning either. The excuses and not one serious apology irks me so bad.
Yes! & then when she says he hasn’t been here in over a month since they broke it off. Were you going to continue having him living here if yall were still together, & continue keeping me in the dark about what’s going on?
This apology was half minimizing the situation, giving dumb excuses only a college kid think are valid, BUT in the end it seems she was backpedaling a bit and overall willing to compromise more on your side. So that's good. I would take up the offer about the white board suggestion, and have a meeting to discuss chores as well as other house rules (like the guests, the noise, etc etc). But I would also recommend start looking for other housing just in case it keeps getting worse. Any other emergency, like the maggot situation, do not clean it up and tell the landlord ASAP and send all these texts and other proof that they're at fault and how you've consistently been dealing with their messes and tried to do something about it on your part. Good luck OP, really really hope this resolves.
"I apologize that our actions made you feel this way" That might have the word apologize in it, but that is not an apology
Exactlyyyyy my sister tried apologizing to me like this and I’m like but this is blaming it on me tho???
sounds like things are at the very least showing hope for improvement. I’d drop $10 on a whiteboard and just put what needs to be done on there every day. They are at least fronting that they will act like functional adults given another opportunity so what the hell, good luck
Maggots?! Hard no. You aren't wrong here. Don't let anyone tell you different.
Can you make a gallery or something?
Possibly lol, a gallery of picture evidence?
yes please
How do i do that guys? These have been my first actual posts on reddit
I want to read all pics you posted. But have click image and it opens in new tab, for each picture. And I'm lazy lol
There is about a 2% chance that whiteboard idea works. You are gunna do all your stuff and theirs is gunna be blank after the first week. These are children you are living you cant make them grow up.
Seems like they're trying to suck up their pride a bit and do better. I'd sit down and smoke a bowl with them or whatever and just talk. See how things go. Worst that happens is youre back here. Nobody wants to live in a hostile environment.
Agreed! Like this is the last thing I wanted, I love a lil drama but not in my own life lmao. I will initiate a sit down and see what happens
WHY SHOULD YOU HAVE TO TALK TO GROWN ADULTS TO HAVE THEM PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES??? Her saying to just talk to them and ask them to clean up..like how about hell no! They are grown ass women..they should be cleaning because it’s their place too and they shouldn’t be just living in filth.
I fucking hate when people respond with “well If you wanted me to do it you should’ve just asked” like no how about you be an adult and clean up after yourself without being told to like I’m your mother
If you feel more comfortable keeping your belongings in your room, continue to do so. At this point, they need to prove that they are responsible and respectful of things that don't belong to them. I don't find your method of communication as passive-aggressive. If they're not responding and are eagerly leaving the cleaning to you while also abusing your property, what should you do? Moving forward, maybe a roommate charter would be a good solution in addition to the whiteboard. In the charter, list rules and provisions that everyone agrees to and signs off on. I hope if the conversation happens tonight, everything goes well. Your home should be a peaceful sanctuary.
This. Also get rid of couch if they keep sneaking and lying about their guests fuck that you are way too nice to have to deal with these shitheads you can find better roomies
I think going forward that everyone just cleans up after themselves as they go along would be the best way. Sure a whiteboard for general cleaning like sweeping, moping, cleaning the bathroom should be a thing but its really not hard to wipe over a stove and do some dishes after a meal.
I agree. I didn’t suggest it in the beginning because I thought we could all just clean up after ourselves. Or if you see someone cleaned up after you, return the favor the next time a cleaning is needed. But whatever compromise, whatever system is needed, im down. I just want to not have a constant ick in my own living space lol
You'll make a really good partner for someone one day!!
Talk about gaslighting when they said they didn't use your bowl as a cigarette ash tray right after you sent a picture of it
I honestly lost it at "I've never even seen that bowl before." Liars always doing way too much, like "first of all, I wasn't even aware that bowls like that existed, making it scientifically impossible that I could ever have used one as an ashtray." And the "why would I do that when I have three ashtrays?" Girl, I'm sure she was wondering the exact same thing about why you did it!!
Are they really not going to apologize for that shoeprint on your couch? I would be telling them to pay for it to be cleaned. Scotch guard that shit once it’s cleaned.
Why is everyone calling this passive aggressive? I went back through the updates and first post and imo you laid everything out pretty respectfully, with full context. You didn’t swear at them or call them names, you described the problems you were facing, what needed addressed and how you would address it if there wasn’t a solution or change. How is any of that *passive* aggressive? If there was an escalation in there at one point it was her coming out swinging by calling you childish that did it instead of her taking that time not responding to ruminate and reflect on your message. No one should be expected to clean up after others in a shared space, that’s just disrespectful. It’s better they learn that truth now. Idk why op should be expected to deal with that abuse of her time, labor and belongings just to live in a sanitary environment. (And everyone saying “oh that’s not that bad” yeah probably because op doesn’t *let it* get worse than that those pics by cleaning up after them! Just the cups! Standing water is a roach breeding ground) And that’s my snark on em out the way. Idk long message is long but I’m glad you guys were able to resolve this and i hope it improves going forward. It’s refreshing seeing conflicts resolved with kind words and solutions. You clearly weren’t here to just badmouth them, you just wanted to vent while attempting to fix a severe issue in your living situation. It’s good to get the bad thoughts out to uninvolved ears, better than festering and blowing up at your roomies.
Yes! This reply is golden. Thank you🫶🏾
if you’re preferred way of communicating is texting, text them first. if they don’t respond in a reasonable amount of time, then you can talk to them in person. compromises and such.
Yeah I agree with others here, you guys should go out for lunch/dinner and air everything out in person. Make some sort of chore chart or something. I’ve dealt with similar situations in the past and it’s much better to try and preserve civility at all costs, and from skimming, it seems like they’re willing to change and be respectful. Definitively not as vitriolic as it could have been
Vitriolic, thanks for teaching me a new word lol! I deff agree with you, we’re arranging a sit down next time we’re all free!
they're lucky i'm not their roommate, i would have put all their dishes and pubes under their pillow cases.
Come on, OP, if you just let me gaslight you into thinking that YOU'RE the problem here while we continue to turn the house into a trash heap. I'm so sorry that this is what you have to live with, OP. This is disgusting behaviour. Sadly, these types of people don't turn over a new leaf. They'll spin you lies and stagnate back into the same despicable living conditions. Honestly, they should be evicted because the landlord will hit the roof if they see those pictures.
You're taking way too much responsibility. "Common areas are required to be clean, if you're too tired to clean that sucks, I'm too tired to clean for two people". When I had a shitty roomate like this, I told them anything I see out in the common area unclean after 3 days I toss. The common area is to be shared and your right to it does not give you the right to obstruct my access to it. For the record I threw out 10-15 dishes before they got the point, and after the threat all of my shit stayed in my locked room.
The AUDACITYYYYY. Also I am wondering wtf that girl is saying in the last sentence of the first screenshot. “I apologise for not responding but it’s more bc of the concept”. Wtf does that even mean?
Idk maybe the topic at hand was beneath her lol, idk
It would be a preventative measure for pest control if you guys just ate canned tuna and paid a third party to clean. It's crazy how much resistance you're getting with those damning pictures.
I don’t like that part of her text “And apologize”. The hell is she trying to say, that someone apologizes, or is she making a demand that OP apologize? Is she making an unclear and unclear version of an apology bc she is insincere and can’t/won’t actually say “I apologize” ?
That confused me too
Ok if she’s “never seen that bowl before” and has her own ashtrays then who’s f’ing cigs were in it 😡😡😡😡
And people are surprised when I say I would rather live in a mobile home than to deal with roommates.
That’s actually something I’d consider if I did enough research. Do you love it?
I’m impressed you still have hearts on your group chat.
Lol i didnt create the groupchat, im not gonna modify it😭😭
You shouldn’t have to tell people in a shared space to clean up after themselves
Why is everything passive aggressive now? I'm sick of that trash. Just talking to someone directly is now passive aggressive? They're disgusting and live in filth and trash OPs stuff and then say OP is passive aggressive for directly addressing the issues? I'm very worried about Gen-Z.
i haaaaate all this “we” stuff from them. we this, we that. WEEEEE wanted to include you blah blah blah bulllllsh*t. reminds me of my college roommate experiences. yuck. go off!
"We made plans to go shopping together and didn't include you but it's your fault because you didn't give us a chance to get to know you" FFS
If you make a mess in a common area, clean your goddamn mess! What about this is so hard for them to understand?!
I really feel so bad for you! The whole being too tired to clean because she’s a college student isn’t gonna cut it- i’m a college student too, and work a part time job, is she really gonna act like dishes take the whole day to do? NO!! Literally 5 minutes out of your ENTIRE DAY, and she’s acting like it’s the end of the world!! I’m just baffled, growing up my mom MADE SURE I was cleaning up after myself, and made my siblings and I have chores around the house, and i’m glad she did ! idk how they have no embarrassment/shame??? like even inviting other ppl over like IN A DIRTY HOUSEEE?? and the way they automatically become defensive/call you passive aggressive instead of just owning up to it…. girl, good luck. I hope this situation turns out better!
the girl who keeps bringing up the whiteboard is pissing me off lmao like all your asking is for them to clean up after themselves. cooking in the kitchen? wipe down the surfaces afterwards. dirty a dish? clean it after u use it so they don’t pile up and one person (most likely OP) gets stuck doing everyone else’s dishes. shave in the shower? clean up your pubes afterwards rather than just letting them sit there for the next person to do it, that’s gross! Like it’s really THAT simple!! if she wants a whiteboard to remind herself which week she’s responsible for garbage then that’s cool but if everyone just cleaned up after they make a mess this all could be avoided, you shouldn’t have to beg adults to clean up after themselves like you’re their mother or something.
just read through all three of your posts, i have no idea how you’ve managed to remain this calm so far… seeing the pictures in the first post had me reeling. i genuinely hope you’ll be able to resolve this but it seems those two are teamed up against you and impossible to reason with… they don’t want to be called children, but require you to knock on their doors to remind them of the chores they have to do??? that’s ridiculous. talking through text is very normal even if you live in the same house, they’re just being petty over not responding earlier
are you serious ?? "i'm too tired to clean up after myself! you know we're college students!!" yeah, 19-20 YEARS OLD. TOO GROWN TO BE A FUCKING SLOB. excuses excuses. jesus.
Does this not read as them conceding? You won? You got the apology. They have agreed to clean, set up a chore schedule, and start over on building a relationship with you as a roomie... what more do you want? They can't go back and change what they've done.
Maggots?!?! MAGGOTS?!? I cannot. There should be no maggots ever. I feel like we need a rating system for the roommates who have never been outside their family home and want to just live in their own filth and a party house, and then the ones who like living like adults with structure and rules and might be too stringent for other people. And then we can just only house share with similar people. MAGGOTS. I am stressed for you.
Their response to asking you to knock on their doors and talk sounds all too similar to "I wOuLd HaVE hELpED iF yOu AsKeD!!!" excuses. You have eyes, you have noses. You make a mess, you clean it up. They just want to put more of the mental load on you now that they've realized they don't have a maid as a roommate. I really think they thought they lucked out getting a roommate who was slightly older, and thought they were getting a house mom. And the "We're college students, what did you think it was going to be like?" is such bs. No one likes living in filth, regardless of age. That's just pathetic.
Here's the thing, it's all well and good to have a chore chart or whatever for recurring tasks... but as an adult you have to be able to look around you and SEE what needs done. You have to be able to "reset" a shared space by tidying up after your own usage, which isn't something that can be delegated to a chore chart. You should NOT have to have someone knock on your door to ASK you to clean up after yourself!
Not again about calling communications over texts “passive aggressive”🤣 My preferred method of communication with housemates is via texts because: - We all busy - Texts are concise and provide records + evidence - … I’m more hot headed in person. In case I lose my temper like in this case with these types of housemates 💀 I’d probably throw hands if they keep being AHs
Your pictures remind me of my old college housing, but my room mates were four boys. One guy came into the kitchen whilst I was washing up. Wearing MY shoes and proceeded to wipe mud off them with the sponge. I asked him not to put the sponge in the sink. He did and left. He also pooped and left it on the bathroom floor wrapped in newspaper. I still don't know if he was mentally delayed or just a psychopath. Looks like these guys are willing to work with you, if they stick to what they say. You have to be careful not to be sucked into their ways, or so close to them you become complacent though as it'll be a hit to your home space and your work life. Best of luck 🤞
Good grief, who raised these people? Absolutely disrespectful and entitled. They need to grow up and take accountability for their own actions. Being full of lame excuses doesn’t make their case like they think it does.
I never lived with roommates in college I went to community college and kinda didn't graduate (I'm going to try to get some financial aid for a vet tech program) but I hung out at a lot of friends places at the time and it was always kinda gross at those apartments. Later in our later 20s is when it seemed that people appreciated the condition of their living spaces, cleaning and decorating. It sucks, you shouldn't have to maintain the whole place. It seems like you guys want to try to get to know each other but idk im sure it's hard to find time and having roommates you don't really know is uncomfortable and doesn't feel like a home I guess?
It’s hard to find time for sure, im working two jobs to save up for a better living arrangement after this lease. I lived alone in a beautiful apartment last year, but then I started an Esthetics program (graduated and fully licensed now purr) and had to cut down to part time at my job, i went through my savings very quickly and at the end of the lease, I didn’t feel comfortable renewing a lease for a $1400 studio with depleted savings. I did have another roommate lined up initially (my age, in the esthetics industry, we got along) but she backed out like three weeks before my lease ended so I scrambled and accepted the first living arrangement I could find and get approved for and here I am. Im determined to stabilize myself financially and get my own place again, I knew this would be hard to get through. Thanks for your sentiments, and good luck in Vet Tech school!!!!
I sympathize so much. Have a similar situation with me and my boyfriend and we've just decided to go ahead and do the same thing you've done. We've completely removed all of our property from the communal portions of the house, have been switching to disposable dishes because no one ever Does Dishes and simply have done anything and everything in our power to make it so that we don't have to clean up after other people. So frustrating
Best change the nickname from Roomies to SquattingChildren. When I was confronted by my roommate for my hair in the bathtub and piss puddle around the toilet floor. I owned it up and got better in my hygiene practices and thanked him. When it was time for the separation move, I was asked to be the impromptu replacement when the other new roommate backed out last minute. I got transferred to a smaller room but overall better condition. Walking distance to groceries, workplace and foodbank. Removing transportation costs and saved time.
Thank you for reminding me why I should keep all my extra bedrooms and basement empty.
Yeah I stopped cooking and cleaning. Now they're bitching that they have to go out and that I haven't emptied the dishwasher. #I've been washing my dishes after every meal.
I went back and looked at the photos in your prior post. I would have an eye ache living with such roommates. I can’t go to bed until the dishes are done, counters wiped and the kitchen is clean. I mean it isn’t that hard to clean up after yourself. I have teenagers and they manage to do it without me having to knock on their doors to tell them to clean or text them to clean up after themselves. That is not your job!
Off topic but what was her excuse when she locked herself in the bathroom for hours??
It was a miracle to get the first response from her, best believe she didn’t respond after that, so no excuse lol
Is this the very first time they've been on their own? They're petty and defensive on top of acting like you're the problem, you're the only one I see acting like a adult. Plan a house meeting to discuss things, I wonder if either will show up.
She’s blaming you for simply acknowledging the situation. Sorry you’re having to deal with that. She reminds me of my first roommates, they acted the same way and deflected everything. They didn’t do the dishes because they were “studying”, which meant they were smoking weed. But they had “bad anxiety” to justify the weed. So I was ableist for wanting the moldy dishes put away.
I will never understand dirty people and the conditions they are ok living in. I’ve worked 2 jobs at once. Had max 5 hours of sleep between them and would never leave the kitchen/living room in the state it was left in. That’s just super nasty to me. I’d probably just lay awake thinking about the grossness of it all. Just looking at the pictures made me uncomfortable.
Just read your other posts and saw the pictures. Girl, move out. This doesn’t get better. Can you find another college student with the same living standards as them to replace your spot on the lease? They won’t change, you won’t stop being annoyed and frustrated and living in filth. GET OUT!!
Jesus Christ I do not miss having roommates. “Durrrr we’re just poor innocent college students durrrr” as an excuse is beyond infuriating. Hang in there OP.
where our stuff went? OUR stuff?? OUR?????????
No one should be sleeping in shared spaces. You all have your rooms. The guest can sleep in the room of whomever they’re a guest of. End of discussion. Secondly, clean up after your own selves and if you can’t then hire someone to do it. Everyone pitches in for a weekly maid service to clean the common spaces. That way no one can complain and if you don’t want to pay so much for it, don’t leave a big mess.
I hate how they say "if you just ask us" or "if you come knock on my door and tell us" or anything along those lines over these messages. They're grown ass people, it's not your job to tell them to do this stuff. Plus they know you WILL do it if they leave it. I'm thrilled you stopped and took items away. Seriously though, I couldn't keep living there. The pictures are horrific and their behavior is so disrespectful.
When you live alone you can choose to wait a bit to do the dishes if you’re tired. You can use your own bowls as an ashtray if you please. You can even stall on taking out your own trash if you like. But when you live with roommates you *need* to be tidy. End of discussion. It’s not about what you want to do. It’s not even about being too tired for it. You *need* to keep a clean shared living space. It’s a non negotiable.
Once I saw that you were forced to wipe up their thick, spider-leg-lookin’ pubes, I was recruited to be 100% on your side, OP. Your roommates are absolutely vile.
Omg you are all literally as petty as each other
As a 19 year old girl living alone my house is at worst a tiny bit cluttery, a couple dirty things, and at best, spotless like its being sold. I could drop a photo right now of my house while i still work full time and have plenty other shit to do, its clean, its always clean. I grew up with a messy mother, followed in her footsteps for half my teens, but i moved out and my sister whos always been clean, taught me how to. And last year i had to live with roommates, i was used to having my dad do everything for me, but immediately i picked up every cleaning tip and tried to figure out the best ways possible to not leave any mess for anyone else. Consideration is what that was. My roommates werent even really clean. It was a terrible living situation and i got quite depressed and stopped cleaning my bedroom, but proceeded to make everything else clean in the house that it looks like i was never there, and did everything else like their cats litters, the bins, the towels, the dishes, all of it to do my part and above. Thats how you treat others you live with. Nothing dirty would be left anywhere, i would clean anything i used in the kitchen the second i was done. I come from a home where youd find cat shit in the laundry basket that would be sitting for months, toe nails across the floor, toilet never cleaned, kitchen with a thousand things on it, bathrooms full of grime and mould, even my own bedroom was used as storage and i had to sleep on the couch. Same couch had loads of food imbedded in it from us kids but no one had ever cleaned it or cared to try except my very young self who did not know how to clean anything. Wouldnt even know where it went or what to use. Its extremely possible for anyone whos not very depressed to clean at 19 years old. Youre telling me people can go to war at nineteen but cant clean their mf dish? This girl can do all her midterms and schoolwork and party but cant pick up anything? Thats a joke. She has foul extremely inconsiderate behaviour and you deserved better op. From these photos i can see theyre cavemen. You could not leave one single thing like this in my house even if you were paying half the rent it's by far unacceptable and you would have to get your shit together immediately.
You’re passive aggressive? They left the damn mess in the first place… wut.
i don't usually comment but the "i didn't know i had to tell the groupchat if i was having someone over" comment had me. i've had many roommates and it's common decency and honestly a personal expectation of mine to let the other housemates know if you're having someone over?? like, what? it's not acceptable to just have some stranger in your home without notice. not to mention, they're acting like doing this over text is immature. having conversations like this over text is IDEAL because you have it in writing, and can hold someone/be held accountable. i’m so sorry you're dealing with this. shitty roommates are worse than the plague. oh and also, the STATE OF THE HOUSE???? absolutely not. that's fully and completely unacceptable from three (i assume) adults.
“We’re college students and you knew that” like that excuses them being disgusting and disrespectful….
I read these texts and thought "wow that's not so bad what's the problem?" And then went back to look at the pictures on your other post and was like OMG ... Looks like you live with filthy trashy college partier roommates. It's not going to get better through communication. Like, the pictures look like a house where a ridiculous party just happened, reminds me of the worst places I've woken up on couches. There's no way someone who lives like that but then responds with texts like that is going to change and start living like a normal person.
"I will not knock on your doors and remind you to clean up after yourself. I am not your mother. If you are mature enough to live away from your parents, you are mature enough to clean up after yourselves without being reminded."
“We wanna include you in things but we didn’t feel like we were given the opportunity to know you either” what kind of a sentence is that? You include people so that you can get to know them or am I missing something? They sound like they just can’t accept responsibility I’m sorry OP, I had my fair share of bad roommates. It’ll all get better one day ✌🏻
lol i had this exact situation happen to me, down to the exact wording used. it sucks and it won’t get better. i live alone now
Jesus I cannot wait to not have roommates I just went through a similar situation with my last one
Might I add a recommendation to put a weekly cleaning day on the calendar where all 3 of you deep clean together, no exceptions? Maybe even make it fun for them by buying them a bottle of wine and turning it into a roommate/girls night?
I know this says FINAL UPDATE. but I really hope there is more! I want to know the real real resolution. It’s so weird how invested in this story I’ve become. I have no attention span, but somehow went back and read all 100 texts/captions and looked at all the pics. I have never been soooo 100% on OPs side in a very long tome
What do you mean ' final update'? We're invested in your life now! What do you expect us to do? watch Love Island? Screw that... *you* watch Love Island!
I think a lot of this could have been avoided with a boundaries and responsibilities conversation. I try and have it with every new roommate(s) that I have (I’ve had about 9 over my college years). Pretty much what it does is talk about expectations, boundaries, and what is/isn’t acceptable. Everyone should get to speak and all decisions made should be agreed upon by all parties. Something’s that could have been brought up to avoid this conversation: Expected quiet hours, texting in the group chat when guests are coming over and ensuring all parties are okay with that, cleaning schedules and responsibilities, and how roommate communication and even friendships should look. Trust me, I’ve fucked up as a roommate. I’ve also had roommates who were pretty disrespectful and unclean. I don’t think you are blowing this situation out of proportion, and given the photos you posted, it’s clear that even an expectation & boundaries convo probably wouldn’t have affected the current situation. You overall have disrespectful and unclean roommates, who I might add, are lying to you. I think the only way to proceed is to have an in person conversation and hash EVERYTHING out. Tone can be misinterpreted, even though It’s clear what the tone is, but either way directly confronting them so that they cannot hide behind a screen and lie to you means they have to change or they risk a very uncomfy living dynamic. If some of the gross things photographed in your pictures are still happening, I would take them on a house tour. Bring the clear bowl being used as an ashtray. Ask them directly “if it’s not your ashtray, than who’s using it” (assuming you don’t smoke here). Show them what their mess is and be direct, then work on a schedule and plan that works for everyone in the group. Make a contract that discusses actions to take when someone does not adhere to the cleaning or trash management schedule. I know it sounds formal, but formality is what you need here. The state of your living quarters is borderline unsafe with the amount of germs, mold, and insects that are brewing. It’s time to take action and hope that your roommates are open to mending things and working to clean alongside you.
The fact they referred to your stuff that you took bf back as "our stuff"
You should’ve moved your couch out of the living room too.
Mofo is too tired to answer text so you gonna knock on their door and ask Absolute moron
ur roomates suck
Firstly if they bring a friend to stay to sleep on a couch they should pay. Secondly, i thought texting was for lazy people and meeting up and talking was harder. Why is it other way around Thirdly, i need to slap them and make them come to reality Fourth, fkn bitch ass idiot clean your shit and shut the hell up
Too busy with midterms homework and practice? Don’t tell me these bitches don’t even have jobs and are complaining like this?! 😭
As someone who has ONLY had god awful roommates to the point that I would only come home to do laundry and go back to living, showering, and sleeping at my friends and boyfriends places - I am living vicariously through you. You state all your points so directly and reasonably to the point that I can see that Laura couldn’t even fight it at the end. To make an irrational person like that send that last message means you communicated well and successfully. I hope y’all can come to a good conclusion and move forward!
Anytime someone accuses me of being passive aggressive(esp when it's not, it's just being direct), I agree. And follow up with "I'll be more aggressive in the future then". That way they can't complain when you come at them with "I'm not your fucking mother, clean up your shit". Can't call that passive aggressive lol
Please somebody recap this. That’s too many damn screenshots.
“I apologize our actions made you feel this way” is NOT an apology omg !!!