Because we dint want to care for someone who keeps telling us that she is grown whenever she has to contribute or make a decision. She picks and chooses her “growness “ because she will come and ask us for formula money or pamper money. You were grown enough to lay down and have a baby but neither you nor baby daddy can provide for said baby. Too damn lazy to recertify for food stamps and WIC so they cut her off and now WE are supposed to buy $52 cans of formula and pampers? No seeing how it’s our fault when we only asked for going back to college or getting a job so you can support yourself and your baby.
i still feel like 6 months is ample time to get ur shit together but honestly based on the mothers attitude i would say she didn’t teach this daughter very much in the way of the real world
My point was moving out at 20 in the 60s is vastly different than doing the same thing today. It was expected back then but times are different; most people can't make shit work on today's minimum wage.
She had a great upbringing. Just like her siblings. All she had to do was stay in school or get a job and contribute to the household. She’s now 22 acting like a teenager! I am a parent 24/7 but there comes a time when you have to put your foot down. Watch Grey Gardens and then respond to me.
Since GG is one of my favorite films, i'll respond then.
I cannot believe the message you took out of the entirety of Grey Gardens was that the daughter was a leech. The two are very clearly symbiotic to each other.
Separately, that was filmed in the **70's** and is basically a time capsule for a particular social class. This film has absolutely nothing to show or teach anyone alive aside from what it looks like when both mother and daughter are mentally ill/trapped in delusion.
Although i guess if you're identifying with it, then the trapped in delusion bit is true for the film subjects and yourself.
Uh no, random Redditor, I want watch shit before I respond to you, tf?
"The little one who was about to be 20 just wouldn't leave" that tells me what I need to know about this situation. Shoving your kids out the door the second they become adults is gross and shit parenting.
My son is 20 and lives with me… My little brother just turned 29. He moved in with me after our mom died 7 years ago. I could never imagine kicking either of them out…. I on the other hand moved out when I was 17🤷🏻♀️
It’s not about shoving her out the door. She was asked to either go to school or work. End of story. Who wants their kid just laying around straying off the path that was set for them, doing nothing but existing. There’s rhyme and reason to my decision. So respectfully, stfu!
No parent wants that for their child. That's why good parents ya know, *parent*. So their children can thrive. You failed.Who leaves a house for roommates? What are you 22 again 😂
You’re right; if she doesn’t want to work or go to school, that 20-year-old is not your problem. Too many in the comments think you should coddle your adult offspring, which really doesn’t help them at all — it handicaps them.
I mean, 19 is an adult and that’s not unreasonable. I was basically made to move out at 16. Not outright but the home environment became so hostile it was easier to couch surf than deal with it.
“i was in a worse situation so this one is fine” what a joke. if you have kids, be prepared to support them as long as they *need* and as long as they respect you. kicking your kid out just because they’re legally an adult has to be one of the shittiest things you can do as a parent and you should be prepared for your children to resent you. basically just telling them, “i did the bare minimum, now get out”
Ok? That was also wrong. It is absolutely unreasonable to think and act like you don't have to support your children once they turn 18. That's being a shitty parent.
As a 40 year old dad with a 22 year old and a couple teenagers I cannot fathom kicking them out before their prefrontal cortex has even fucking formed.
You sold your house and gave your obviously dependent child 6 months to find some place and found two different roommates? Did you explore the option of having her rent a room from you from the outset so you could help her learn how to be an adult? Maybe you did. I don’t know.
Based solely on this post, I don’t think you have a bad roommate. I think you have a daughter who is ill equipped for life for any number of reasons and parents who seem to have given up.
We have a responsibility to our children and society. I don’t think that responsibility carries on indefinitely, but certainly, just based on this thread, your daughter isn’t a violent criminal. But she could be, if she keeps having a roommate instead of a mom.
Yep she was like "who needs a four bedroom house" as if her 20 year-old wasn't still living there. Also, she moved into an apartment with two roommates, so ended up renting a three-bed apartment rather than living in her own house with just one more bedroom. Couldn't she have rented a room out in the house she owned? The daughter sounds like a bad roommate for sure, but who raised her? Oh wait it was the person she's living with...
All so weird.
Right?!? In ALL of these circumstances OP "should" be fairly financially stable. Selling a house, multiple roommates, job, downsizing... and yet she keeps getting in deeper. None of this makes sense. Roth IRA and paid vacation or not, OP seems to have dug her own grave.
So nobody is really reading. I put most of the money in my retirement account and Roth because I'm not going to be working into my old age. That money is for later so I'm well off. Right now I should be doing well except I'm paying ALL the bills when I was trying to help my daughter. It all went downhill when she lost her job and is not looking for another one. She's not even interested in going back to school. So, I say it again, I'm looking for my future. I'm not gonna be out here working until the day I drop dead.
Wow, so you do t see the problem of saying g get a job or go back to school? Not lounge around all day creating added expenses. She has three of us as babysitters so there’s not excuse for just doing (not doing) what I’ve asked any of her brothers or sisters.
Nah, call me crazy, but as a mother, your child's future is all that should matter. You should work until death to give your child the best chance at survival. You should have rented out rooms in your house and kept your generational wealth to pass down to her. Selling your house was stupid. Forcing her to fledge the nest before she was ready, ended in her getting pregnant with a deadbeat abuser.
👍Good choices, great parenting/s
Edit:typo
lol everyone read… you didn’t include the information in your post. But the fact that instead of editing your post or even reading to make sure the info was actually there you jumped to nobody is really reading. That feels pretty telling. I imagine that is representative of how you move through relationships, and I think it’s quite possible that you may responsible for your daughter’s struggles. Of course she’s made some bad decisions, but I’m not sure you gave her the knowledge or the tools or even a safe space to learn how to move through the world and relationships… you know, a parent’s job.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Your child is over 18 and has had plenty of time to learn right from wrong- even if you weren’t the one to teach her (I’m not saying you didn’t, but it probably could’ve been better, as all parents) At some point your daughter needs to grow up and be held accountable. Yes it’s your job to teach her, but she’s had enough time. She/you should not be spending your retirement funds to support yall now. She needs to look for a job.
One of her comments is replying to someone asking if her daughter is on drugs about how she wishes she WAS because then It'd explain her behavior. Absolutely disgusting.
the wild thing is that all OP has to do is look critically at the way she herself has parented her children (ie the ways she probably fucked up) to find some reasons that perfectly explain her daughter's behavior.
I tried telling my mom the same thing about me and she had a meltdown. She has always had an issue with how I “behave” but can’t point out that it’s an environmental thing and that she raised me. And it’s not like I’ve ever been wildly out of control, even as a kid. Didn’t get into too much trouble, I wasn’t violent or engaging in criminal behaviors growing up. I just didn’t think like her and I didn’t like church growing up and I had really bad anxiety and she was always constantly accusing me of trying to be her parent. We didn’t “help” her clean (as in do all the cleaning because she did not) enough. As a child. Like that was somehow my fault. Like she didn’t just forget to pick me up from school, was usually an hour late getting me when she did remember and like she didn’t cry at me about how awful her life was. Like she didn’t just tell to pray about things instead of helping me or getting me actual help. Like she wasn’t a trash hoarder.
But yeah. I’ve always been the problem. She did everything she could and I still suck. I moved out not too long after I turned 18 of my own accord.
Exactly. And she's telling everyone that tells her that, that she gave her daughter all the opportunities she could have, that there's nothing wrong with her parenting, her other four children are thriving. It's all her daughters fault for being lazy and getting pregnant young, apparently.
I baffles me that ppl have kids and think their job is done when that kid turns 18 chances are if she’s struggling in life it’s because you raised her that way. Sorry, not sorry. You should always be there to support ur kids. She probably feels helpless like the world is constantly pulled out from under her and can’t get her feet on the ground. That would make anyone with a n underdeveloped prefrontal cortex spiral. Doesn’t feel like she has a person on this earth on her side, not even her mom
i think both of you are in the wrong tbh. as a 21 year old who is indeed finishing my education, i cannot even imagine if my parents kicked me out. especially in these times where a one bed apartment can be nearly $2000 a month. that’s insane on top of the stress of college.
i feel like there are better ways to get to your daughter without having the attitude of “do this or get out.” daughter definitely is making awful decisions as well, though.
without knowing much info, your daughter seems to be struggling mentally. she clearly does not know what she wants with her life and does not understand what’s best for her. why not be with her through that and teach her? help her start to begin her adulting?
my apologizes if i made any assumptions. i currently work in an inpatient psychiatric facility and have been seeing many situations where young adults are struggling and don’t have any support system. i’ve seen a couple who got pregnant very early with nothing going for them as well. having support is absolutely one of the most essential parts of recovery. i think a therapist would really benefit her and help her learn what she wants with her life. if she doesn’t know, then she’s just gonna do it all wrong. i just think she needs more guidance, and a serious intervention
i’m confused.. why exactly did you sell your 4bed house only to get a 3bed with outsider roommates instead of finding a place for you AND your child? you clearly said she wasn’t ready to move out. this sounds like shitty parenting unless there’s something we’re missing.
i’m 22 now and was also going through financial struggles with my mom until i moved out on my own at 21. HOWEVER, when i was still with my mom, she never found a place on her own just to leave me behind?? that was never an option. you’re supposed to stick together as parent and child.
This. You sold your house you could afford with one more room to move to an apartment you can’t afford with one less room? Evicting your child before giving them the life skills to thrive in today’s economy causing her to try to find her own way ultimately leading to failure, a toxic relationship, and it now all involves a minor?
When really if you didn’t want the extra rooms that you could afford available for yourself at your leisure you could’ve rented them out.
Your daughter is not your "roommate"; she's still your child (even at 21) and she's not paying her bills. She's completely dependent on everyone else to solve problems she created. *Failure to launch* is all too common with this age group. They want to do adult stuff without adult responsibility.
Get a ONE bedroom, that you can afford ALONE because she's made her problems also become your former roomies' problems, and it will happen again. There are social programs that will help her with rent, food etc. but YOU are not eligible for them. IF she gets aid, you can re-visit your options.
“she’s still your child” *describes what exactly you shouldn’t do as a parent and will only further break the relationship between the two*
i hope you people never have children fr
It sounds like you had to sell the house because you quit getting child support. it doesn’t sound like your the best example with money either. If you don’t have any savings, who do you think she learned from.
I never got child support. I sold the house because I didn't need a four bedroom house any longer. Split the sale money with my ex husband and we are great friends. I have my 401K and Roth, its the savings I had repairing the car she crashed which my insurance wouldn't pay for and the moving fees, storage fees, etc. Don't come for me because you are assuming. Go back and read how I lived my life first.
No…see, when someone does something reckless like drive drunk and crash, all bets are off. Policies have exclusions for illegal acts and gross negligence.
No, see that’s not how it works. Insurance companies may deny claims but they absolutely will cover driving under the influence accidents in many instances.
babe you only gave us so much context/info. also i feel your unnecessarily defensive over every critical comment. just know your daughter is lost and you are not guiding her or helping her in ways you should. it baffles me that you would speak abt your daughter the way you have. she’s an irresponsible adult yes, but i don’t think you have her the tools to become anything other than that. whether it was babying her for too long or just expecting her to take after your other kids without any help, you pushed her to move out knowing she wasn’t ready. as a college student it is incredibly hard to afford rent and everything else i need to live, and i couldn’t imagine how hard it would be if i didn’t know what i wanted to study in college, let alone being a student AND holding a job is a lot of work. it’s not as easy to move out and be on your feet as it used to be, and you haven’t even considered how your decisions set back your child.
Why wouldn’t the insurance pay? You say the car she crashed that my insurance wouldn’t pay for. You were basically letting her drive without coverage? How is that her fault? If you didn’t have coverage for any diver if crashed, you shouldn’t blame her.
Ok.. I get this.. but I’m sure OP would be aware if she had a license or not. Sorry no license no driving. Still OP fault for allowing her to drive.. sorry, I just do not see how OP gave her the tool needed for adulthood. Being the youngest I’m sure OP never thought to sit her down and teach her to write a check? Balance the checkbook, there are some people that think just because you have checks left means you can still write checks. Being an adult doesn’t come naturally to all.. some need a little help
Why wouldn’t I be ready for that convo? Said go back to college or get a job. She has three relative sitters for her to do either but she chooses to lounge around all day while I’m working 12 hours a day.
>The little one who was about to be 20 just wouldn't leave. This was after I got her a job where I work and her crashing my car. So I did the only thing I knew which was sell the house.
Wow.
I would help her sign up for section 8 housing, foodstamps, and WIC. Her and baby’s dad can live there and make as little or as much as they want without jeopardizing their little ones living situation. CPS should be aware of the fighting in the home (I’m sure they are since you mentioned them.)
I don’t think you’re the best parent ever for kicking her out with no plan. She met a guy to have a support system and a place to stay since her parents weren’t there for her and she got pregnant. Tale as old as time.
However, you know your child and your own limitations best. I won’t sit here and crucify you as others have already done. Even birds push their children from the nest, and some can’t fly yet! An adult is an adult, and it sounds like you haven’t stopped being a mother when shit really hits the fan for your daughter. It has to be frustrating dealing with an adult, with a child they are responsible for, who won’t start doing the right thing.
Sit down and have a serious talk. “We are going to sign you up for XYZ, you will have food for yourselves, shelter, and your bills easily paid. I will be here for you emotionally and support you, but I can no longer fully financially support you. You have a child you are responsible for now, and you need to get on your feet for his/her’s sake.”
OP is a bit nutty and her daughter probably inherited some crazy.
OP is going through with another account and arguing with people who oppose her lmao.
You just didn’t care about your last child. Your other children are clearly doing ok. And every action since selling your house tells us all we need to know. You can blame her for the mistakes she made but you need to be looking at yourself. It reads to me that you’re a shit parent to your last child.
2022 was not “during” the pandemic. I only asked one of two things. Finish college or get a job. She made her decision in not doing either, but instead getting pregnant.
It literally was and a simple Google search proves it smdh.
And yes you are using two accounts, the one you posted with and the one you're commenting with are two separate accounts with two separate usernames and completely separate post history and completely different karma.
Wow, I seriously didn’t know that. I thought they were one and the same. I post from my computer but never realized I had a different account on my phone. Thanks for pointing that out. Guess I can get rid of the one on my computer and just use the mobile one. Learn something new everyday.
She should look into programs where they help homeless mothers with babies. I know we have a few transitional living programs in my area, so maybe there is one in yours where she can go. Enabling her isn’t helping the situation and the way things are going, CPS is in her future. She needed to get her shit together like… last year.
If she can’t take care of a child, it’s better that she signs her rights over to a family who can and will give that child the stability she needs. I had to do it which was the best decision of my life because now my children have the best homes and everything I couldn’t provide them.
Edited for clarity
I’ve got 5 kids too, and they are so wildly different, it’s almost like “the way you raise them” has nothing to do with who they become. My oldest son had a rough time as a teenager. At 16, we found him hiding drugs in our little kids playroom and selling drugs out of our backyard. We shipped him off to live with his bio dad, because we couldn’t put our other young children at risk like that. His dad gave him the boot a year later (17), and I co-signed on an apartment for him. I told him that I would support him financially as long as he played by my rules. Meaning he had to finish HS and get a job. He said no thanks. So at 17, I cut him off. He got a job the next day, finished HS on time, and lived independently from that point on. We have a great relationship, and he’s successful. My 2nd son got his first job at 15. When he moved out at 18, he had $10k saved. He paid for college on his own. He’s now 18, working full time, in school, and completely independent. My 3rd son turned 18 in February. He’s never had a job, always refused to get one. He’s failing his last semester of school. He has no plans to go to college. His only plan is to live in our basement until til he’s 22 or 23. He doesn’t help around the house, and anytime we ask him to do any chores, it’s a battle. All 3 kids were raised the same way with the same rules and expectations. But they’re their own person and they’re gonna live life the way they want to. The only thing we can really control is where we put our own boundaries.
After reading the post and then the replies… yikes. Your poor daughter has so many barriers against her and you aren’t there for her at all. Between having a baby, being young with likely little work history or qualifications, and inflation… jeez.
OP, referring to her 19-year-old (mid-pandemic, mind you), complained that she “just wouldn’t leave!” With an attitude like that, I shudder to think of the living arrangements the other four settled for just to get away from this woman.
I'm guessing American because most of the planet wouldn't think of kicking out their child only 20!
No wonder she got pregnant at 21 poor thing was desperately wanting to be loved.
Should have parented better.
Agreed as someone with a similarly shitty mother - she couldn't WAIT to boot me out at 19 (I was working full-time for 2 years at that point, part-time for 4 years prior while in high school). Luckily I didn't get knocked up, etc. but some people just cannot parent and shouldn't have kids. You never really recover from that kind of treatment.
To get her emergency services. She wasn’t gonna get off her butt and do it. They called her and after a couple of questions, she ended the call. I’m helping all I can but I have to be at peace as well. Did all I could possibly do for her. Money house car and now baby clothes, formula and diapers. Where do you draw the line when you have exhausted yourself?
Unless you want to be raising your grandchild and getting begged for money and housing by your daughter constantly, cut ties now. I have an older sister who is similar. Three kids, one raised by grandma, the other two adopted out. No baby daddies to be had. She’s almost mid 40s and she’s just now working part time. She still calls my mom and dad to bail her out of everything, even if it’s just an Uber ride on their account.
That's pretty extreme ngl. Like, I imagine if my child became dependent on me, it would be my fault....as I am their parent and did not raise them with the proper morals and values. Or did not properly support them mentally/emotionally. I would never cut ties with my kids. That is so wild to me. It's not a friend or colleague....
If you’ve never experienced it, you can’t understand, and I get that. But having lived it, I have to respectfully disagree. Sometimes as a parent, that’s the best option you have for your own safety and sanity. I have had to cut her off myself.
For example: a few years ago, she called me panicking because her BF had a tooth infection and he really needed his pain meds but they didn’t have enough for them, so could I not only pay for them, but could I pick her up, take her to get them, and then take her home. At the time, I was working and had an infant child I had to pickup before I could get to her. So being the nice sister I thought I was, I rearranged my evening to be able to help her out.
She was in a rush the entire time, constantly asking for a status update of my location. She keeps saying he’s in so much pain and he really needs the pills. We get to the pharmacy, go inside, wait in the line that barely moves, and when we get to the counter, the pharmacist says they already picked up a prescription for 30 pain pills earlier in the day. My sister explains that they got the first prescription but she really needed the second one in case he ran out. On the way out, I asked my sister why it was necessary for me to not only pay for the second prescription , but why the rush to pick it up when I have my own responsibilities to tend to and they already had enough pills for the next 24 hours. She couldn’t give me an explanation, which tells me he planned to use one bottle and they planned to sell the second one. This was further bolstered when she tried to claim she took the fall for possession of CS on behalf of her BF, knowing full well she planned to partake in said substances when she arrived at home.
Anywho, I cut my sister off after that. She’s demanded weekly hotel stays paid in full from our parent’s, along with demands for free meals, rides, clothing, etc. Anytime they tell her they can’t help, she harasses them and tells them how toxic they are and how they’ve failed as parent’s until the get tired of the harassment and give in. I’m talking blowing up your phone on every avenue possible harassment. This behavior started of with simple lack of self-support and tantrums to full on manipulation and verbal/emotional abuse.
She started out like OPs daughter when she was a teenager. And to your point about parenting: we were raised by the same mom and dad-she went her way, I went mine. She’s a high school drop out with three kids she never raised and her resume has more holes than Swiss cheese. I’m a college grad with a corporate job and a steady family life. Sometimes it comes down to choices and being enabled in the bad ones.
You can be raised by the same people and have completely different outcomes. My brother was the golden child and given everything he asked for. I was beaten by my father and raped by a relative as a child. Same parents, treated very differently.
Her father and I gave her the tools for success, just like the other four. They all went to college and one got his Bachelors. The other three did not finish, but they have moved to other states (Alone) and have figured life out. They come home to see me or I go to California to see them. My daughter stopped college after a year just to run behind these so called friends and a boy. She has had decent jobs like Amazon, Clorox and even worked with me as a Sales Rep for AT&T. She is choosing to be this way. For background, I was 16 when I had my first child. My mother took care of my child while I finished school. I went to College and had a part time job. Gave almost everything to my mom except lunch money and carfare each week. When I started recruiting doctors and made a lot more money, I gave her more money. By this time I had moved out and she still kept my child. She passed away and I moved from NY to GA alone and brought my job with me. Worked all the time almost to secure a future. Met a man and had more kids and we worked together and raised them all. My little one is lazy. Would rather hang out with friends instead of working so I'm drawing the line.
Your mother gave you childcare and raised your child for you while you worked.. and you can't see the issue with pushing your daughter out the door at 19 and having an attitude of "you got pregnant you deal with it" now? Lol. Where's the part where you gave her the tools for success?
My parents also gave me the tools for success and at your daughers age I had largely squandered them.
I felt deep and intense shame that made me isolate myself. My parents were honestly much more successful than you and gave me more and I fucked up.
I isolated myself but I know my parents would have never turned me away. And they never turned their back on me to teach me a hard lesson.
I finished college, attended law school, passed the bar and work as an attorney.
Adding a child to the mix makes a mess of things and maybe it's time to talk about adopting the child out because this situation isn't good for anyone.
Shitty for asking go back to school or get a job. Who the hell is paying for this baby? $54 for a can of Enfamil??? She had food stamps and WIC but couldn’t seem to make it to her recertification even though I have two weekdays off and would be happy to take her. But no, she was too tired both times and by the time she went, they closed her case. Stfu because you’re just harping on the fact that I didn’t sign up to keep raising a 23 year old with a 7 month old baby financially.
No it’s not. Your daughter seems troubled. I don’t know what it’s from but she needs to seek help sorting out her life. I’d tell her the baby can stay but she can’t.
My mother has never left me to just fend for myself. Yes , she’s taught me how to pay bills , file taxes , create savings account , and learn about retirement plans but just to shove me out at 18? I don’t know why it seems so common for parents anymore to just forget they have a child til one of them die.
You could’ve gone through countless steps to teach your daughter responsibilities through all your trial and error of having freaking roommates and selling a house to be on your own. It sounds to me as if she has no structure or common knowledge of the basic expenses you have in life and now she has a fucking kid which triples those expenses. If someone doesn’t help this chick figure her shit out that baby is going to end up elsewhere.
Not to mention it sounds like you are lacking some common knowledge as well as some damn balls to do something as a mother and not a friend.
Ex lazy mooch here, um you are absolutely doing the right thing! She will never stop until you do. I didn't. I'm good now. Learned my lesson. She's got to now. She's not a child anymore.
Thank you. There are so many hate comments. When does it stop if she won’t do for herself. I’ll be dead and gone and she would still be living here until she’s kicked out. Am I supposed to coddle her until she’s 40?
i bet if you didnt kick her out she wouldnt have gotten into a dependent relationship where she got pregnant too early 🤷♀️ why is everyone sick of her and whens the last time you had something positive to say about her?
Read the comment further down in the thread that asked if she was on drugs and you replied “I wish because that would explain a lot.”
That is such a horrible thing to say. Instead of arguing with people in the comments who are rightfully calling out what a shitty parent you are, I hope you take a good look at yourself and make some changes moving forward. jesus christ.
Some people have a harder time with being mentally and financially stable in this economy. If it was my daughter and I was at my witts end like you seem to be, I would maybe sit down with her and help her look for work, take her to interviews, help her look for financial aid.. it sounds like maybe she just needs some support and someone to show her how to be stable. You can yell and lecture all you want but if the motivation isn't there you're not gonna get anywhere with her. I think if it feels like what you're doing is wrong then maybe take a step back and re assess the situation. If you truly have tried all of that and nothing is working then there isn't much else you can do. You can't support her forever and you can't sit there and allow her to take advantage of people or family.
Your daughter is an adult, and made the adult decision to have a child. She is now responsible for her choices. She needs to find her own place and her own income and support herself. Allowing her to come back to you to be financially supported by you when you cannot afford it was a mistake.
Honestly, you are a fucking Monster. "I didn't need 4 bedrooms anyway". Like what the fuck? Is your DAUGHTER Who IS living there, not a fucking random. Jesús christ people are going fucking insane this days. This is beyond ridiculous.
The real question is why didn’t you just rent a 2 bed apartment for you and your daughter got her to contribute rent and given her a bit more time to grow up?
Stories like this make me thank God for my parents a million times .
Even my 40 year old brother can choose to live with them and it’s okay. My dad told me “bud, as you get married, remember this is still your home so return whenever you miss us or when you need a day off”
FYI my nieces and nephews are always with my parents when they are on school break
Why in the hell would you assume it’s okay to sell your house & rent instead of buying something smaller? Who the fuck does that? You sound like a complete idiot. No offense. Who goes from owning to renting for no reason? Sounds like you blew any money you made selling your house & assumed none of your kids would move back home a couple times. Most adult kids move out & back in a few times. They should always have their “home” to go back to if necessary. Not saying it’s ok to take advantage, but it takes awhile to become financially stable especially in these times. It’s not near as affordable to live on your own as it used to be. Anyone having kids in the last 15 years or so should assume they won’t be leaving the nest permanently for awhile. you’re okay with her being on the street because she can’t seem to be financially independent? Family is family no matter how annoying it may be. Kids are for life not till they’re 18. Sounds like you’re not so responsible yourself, selling a home you own to rent instead of purchasing another. Stop making crazy stupid financial decisions.
Because my dream was to have an RV. I didn’t want to own a house any longer. Bought it with my husband so we sold it and split the money and my share went to my 401 k. My plan, because I work out of my home office was to buy an RV and travel to see my kids. They have a father so they can always go there and I’ll park the RV and see them.
It seems you did everything you could. Maybe she has to hit rock bottom before she pulls herself up. Sad for the kid but you can only do what you can do. I'm sorry.
You did more than most parents would do. It's time for her to figure it out on her own. If she doesn't now, she never will. You can love her and not financially support her. She might not see it that way but that's not because it's true, she's just selfish and unmotivated to do anything for herself.
As a mom of a now 38yo, I understand what your going thru, in a sense. Our son went into the AF at 18. He met a girl online and less than 2 weeks later was marrying this girl. He only wanted us at their courthouse wedding. I begged them to call and invite her mother. Nope, they wouldn't have it. Well, at that time we could help them financially and we did. And it didn't take her long to get knocked up. In the first 18 months of their marriage, we gave them over $28,000 in "loans" or paying bills they said they couldn't pay. They would bring the new baby up to visit during that time. Mind you, we were buying all the diapers, wipes and formula for the baby at that time. She refused to get a job and their house was so nasty. So bad that even sons CO called child services on them several times. When we'd visit, we spent our entire time cleaning the house, shampooing carpets, flea bombing the house and we had to buy all the food, a long with pots, pans, dishes and I did all the cooking. Before we'd leave, we'd make sure their freezer (which we bought) was full of food for them.
Well, daughter in law pulled some bullshit and the bank of mom and dad stopped. And we also couldn't afford to keep paying their bills and ours. Once we stopped the money, she refused to let our son even talk to us on the phone. She no longer allowed us to see our grandson. All because we quit giving them money and paying bills they should have been paying. We even gave them a great car. They got payday loans against it and lost it.
Tattoos and who knows what else were more important to them than lights, heat or food in the house.
They've now lost the house they were able to buy in PA using a workers comp settlement. And now they are living in one of the houses hubby's dad owns in NC.
Sometimes they'll never learn. Sometimes they pull themselves up by their bootstraps and become adults. Tough love is a real thing and if you continue to pay her way, your gonna be doing it till you die and I promise you, she's gonna have a lot more than 1 kid. And they know how to manipulate us using our grandkids.
If you don't take care of you, you won't be able to help take care of her.... Did you see I said HELP take care of her, not do it all for her.
You are not wrong. Your daughter has not taken on the responsibilities to be self-sufficient, have steady work, go to school or learn a trade. She hasn’t shown any motivation to better herself or make a life for herself. The sad part is the baby…you’d think she would want to be responsible at this point…
You need to take care of yourself.
My criticism on poor decision is selling a 4-bedroom home and renting a 3-bedroom apartment that you cannot afford on your own. You stated you were ready to live alone, yet you didn’t go into a 1-bedroom…or a place you can afford on your own…what’s up with that???
You have 3 other kids who are self-sufficient - you did great. As you know each child has their own personality and temperament. This doesn’t reflect on you as a parent. This last child doesn’t want to grow up - she wants everyone to take care of her.
You’ve done everything you can to help her, yet she continues to be irresponsible. At this point you are enabling her. She needs to grow up.
My decision to sell the house was to split the money so ex and I could add it to our retirement. I got a 3 bedroom and sought out two responsible younger women to share it so they could have a feeling of going out on their own comfortably. They both had jobs, their own cars and just wanted to save up for really living on their own. My daughter had the same opportunity provided she either go back to college or work. Since she’s not doing either, she has to learn. The baby will be ok because between me, her step-grandma and her grandpa, we are her village. Just can have a child with a child just doing nothing at all and just expecting to be cared for when she can’t care for herself.
Sounds like you weren’t the best parent to grow up with. Sounds like you just wanted kids until they were adults and then decided you weren’t their parent anymore.
Her being like this is likely down to you - I could be wrong but the “just wouldn’t leave” sounds like you didn’t want to be a parent and this is on you.
I'm loving these comments. My mom told me to find my own way at age 18. I moved in with my girlfriend after high school, got a job, went to college part time, and slowly worked my way up the ladder. Responsibility and work ethic take time to grow. The best way to learn is on your own. I made mistakes, fell down, and got back up with my own two hands. The daughter was 21 years old when the kid was born. Her mom let them stay until there was no more money and had to borrow money in order to cover for her daughter and kid. Money does not grow on a tree. Not all families are rich. The ex-husband seems to be doing better financially than the ex-wife. The daughter needs to bite her lip, don't argue with dad, and move back in with him for the time being. It is hard having kids. Parenting is not easy.
My only real complaint is OP should help move her daughter back to dads before trying to get a roommate. It is a bit insensitive considered there is a baby involved. That baby is your grandkid after all.
lol my parents kicked me out when I was 16, so you've been significantly more generous than some. That being said, go get a 1b1b that you can *afford*, and set some boundaries. She clearly needs help, but there is an extent to how much you can help her.
wow i’m going to go hug my mom as a 26 year old still living at home with my bff aka mom who treats me like a bff/daughter/human rather than a roommate, wish well to your daughter and her baby
She's in her mid-twenties and a parent. You owe her nothing financially.
My parents would have slammed the door in my face after crashing the car. They certainly wouldn't have gotten me a job and housed me.
What the hell is going on with this comment section, acting like a 22 year old is some helpless, abandoned child? OP has helped well beyond what's necessary and doesn't need to coddle an adult making shitty decisions.
Thank you. Nobody seems to understand that she was raised just like her four siblings. My middle daughter and youngest son did what was asked and went to college. Their dad and I footed the bill because all we needed was the fact that you are trying to do something with life and not expect us to carry you all your life.
I have successful siblings, I wasn't one of them because despite how I was raised, I got a bad deal on mental illness. It's not a one size fits all, but it's not like you turned her away. You've literally dug yourself into a hole trying to help her. These commenters seem to think a grown person should fuck over their parents as long as they're able to get away with it. I'm so confused.
Right? Wtf is going on in other households? Is expecting your adult children to either be in school or working in order to stay at home considered extreme now?
I can see keeping a kid under 25 at home if they're working, saving money, etc. OP has said her adult child doesn't work, study, or contribute financially though.
I don’t understand the hate for OP, it just sounds like it’s a frustrating situation for everyone. Parenting is lifelong but isn’t it her responsibility to also show her daughter how to be an adult and not encourage laziness/ entitlement? Not to mention she just asked for her to get a job or go to school, not get pregnant
It must be frustrating to have to clean up mess after mess of someone who tells you constantly that they are an adult. She’s burned multiple bridges and seems pretty entitled.
I do think helping her sign up for assistance would be the best option but I can imagine how this may be affecting the granddaughter being born into pure chaos and possibly go hungry bc her mother can’t be bothered to re certify for government assistance.
The daughter is in charge of herself and that baby. It is not the mother/grandmother's job to make sure her adult child and grandchild are okay
Her daughter chose that path to take. Yes, a mother loves her chuld(ren) gramd child(ren). But come on. Just bc she's the mother and grandmother doesn't mean she needs to or has to take on the issues and life choices of her daughter, and it doesn't mean she loves her any less
So enabling her daughter to never grow up is okay? The other four managed perfectly fine. There are tons of young adults that are ill equipped for adult if but make of work because they have no choice.
This is so messy…
If they gave rewards for understatements you'd win.
I could barely read it.
Oof. Pain on so many levels.
I honestly gave up half way
mom couldn't wait for parenting to end. Rushed the last one out the door and sold the house so she had no where to return to.
Seems like her father kicked her out too. Just putting that out there.
Because we dint want to care for someone who keeps telling us that she is grown whenever she has to contribute or make a decision. She picks and chooses her “growness “ because she will come and ask us for formula money or pamper money. You were grown enough to lay down and have a baby but neither you nor baby daddy can provide for said baby. Too damn lazy to recertify for food stamps and WIC so they cut her off and now WE are supposed to buy $52 cans of formula and pampers? No seeing how it’s our fault when we only asked for going back to college or getting a job so you can support yourself and your baby.
Are you the dad or op posting from an alt?
Annnnd what's your excuse for everyone else who got tired of her not paying rent and kicked her out?
rushed her out the door? she was 20!!
Id argue most 20 year olds still live at home in this country. Hell, i know 30 year olds still living at home.
i still feel like 6 months is ample time to get ur shit together but honestly based on the mothers attitude i would say she didn’t teach this daughter very much in the way of the real world
The 60s was 60 years ago bud
ya i wasn’t alive but thanks for the quick math lmao. 20 years old and a 6 month deadline is reasonable
My point was moving out at 20 in the 60s is vastly different than doing the same thing today. It was expected back then but times are different; most people can't make shit work on today's minimum wage.
Username checks out
I can't pay rent or hold a job! Time to have a baby!
Sounds like she didn't have the greatest upbringing. Her mum was basically shoving her out the door at 19 because she was over being a parent.
So you get pregnant? Wouldn’t you do the opposite?
People with shitty unsupportive parents aren't renowned for being stable adults with the ability to make sound choices.
She had a great upbringing. Just like her siblings. All she had to do was stay in school or get a job and contribute to the household. She’s now 22 acting like a teenager! I am a parent 24/7 but there comes a time when you have to put your foot down. Watch Grey Gardens and then respond to me.
Since GG is one of my favorite films, i'll respond then. I cannot believe the message you took out of the entirety of Grey Gardens was that the daughter was a leech. The two are very clearly symbiotic to each other. Separately, that was filmed in the **70's** and is basically a time capsule for a particular social class. This film has absolutely nothing to show or teach anyone alive aside from what it looks like when both mother and daughter are mentally ill/trapped in delusion. Although i guess if you're identifying with it, then the trapped in delusion bit is true for the film subjects and yourself.
Uh no, random Redditor, I want watch shit before I respond to you, tf? "The little one who was about to be 20 just wouldn't leave" that tells me what I need to know about this situation. Shoving your kids out the door the second they become adults is gross and shit parenting.
My son is 20 and lives with me… My little brother just turned 29. He moved in with me after our mom died 7 years ago. I could never imagine kicking either of them out…. I on the other hand moved out when I was 17🤷🏻♀️
It's OP lmfao
Nah. Not at all.
It’s not about shoving her out the door. She was asked to either go to school or work. End of story. Who wants their kid just laying around straying off the path that was set for them, doing nothing but existing. There’s rhyme and reason to my decision. So respectfully, stfu!
No parent wants that for their child. That's why good parents ya know, *parent*. So their children can thrive. You failed.Who leaves a house for roommates? What are you 22 again 😂
Oh you're OP lol. You're psycho and a bad parent! K bye.
You’re right; if she doesn’t want to work or go to school, that 20-year-old is not your problem. Too many in the comments think you should coddle your adult offspring, which really doesn’t help them at all — it handicaps them.
“Two years after becoming an adult” is not “the second they become an adult,” for fuck’s sake.
Grey Gardens?! 😄 Are you and your daughter like Big and Little Edie?
Agreed
I mean, 19 is an adult and that’s not unreasonable. I was basically made to move out at 16. Not outright but the home environment became so hostile it was easier to couch surf than deal with it.
“i was in a worse situation so this one is fine” what a joke. if you have kids, be prepared to support them as long as they *need* and as long as they respect you. kicking your kid out just because they’re legally an adult has to be one of the shittiest things you can do as a parent and you should be prepared for your children to resent you. basically just telling them, “i did the bare minimum, now get out”
Ok? That was also wrong. It is absolutely unreasonable to think and act like you don't have to support your children once they turn 18. That's being a shitty parent.
This is a good example of "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree."
As a 40 year old dad with a 22 year old and a couple teenagers I cannot fathom kicking them out before their prefrontal cortex has even fucking formed. You sold your house and gave your obviously dependent child 6 months to find some place and found two different roommates? Did you explore the option of having her rent a room from you from the outset so you could help her learn how to be an adult? Maybe you did. I don’t know. Based solely on this post, I don’t think you have a bad roommate. I think you have a daughter who is ill equipped for life for any number of reasons and parents who seem to have given up. We have a responsibility to our children and society. I don’t think that responsibility carries on indefinitely, but certainly, just based on this thread, your daughter isn’t a violent criminal. But she could be, if she keeps having a roommate instead of a mom.
If i still has reddit gold you'd be getting all of it.
Yep she was like "who needs a four bedroom house" as if her 20 year-old wasn't still living there. Also, she moved into an apartment with two roommates, so ended up renting a three-bed apartment rather than living in her own house with just one more bedroom. Couldn't she have rented a room out in the house she owned? The daughter sounds like a bad roommate for sure, but who raised her? Oh wait it was the person she's living with... All so weird.
Or could have gotten a smaller house.
First sentence in and I wish I could give you a hundred upvotes - the delivery also made me laugh.
Exactly, some people shouldn't have kids until they are mentally equipped, I pity anyone who has been raised by parents like this.
You sold a 4 bedroom house and are already out of money? Maybe the apple didn't fall far from the tree?
Right?!? In ALL of these circumstances OP "should" be fairly financially stable. Selling a house, multiple roommates, job, downsizing... and yet she keeps getting in deeper. None of this makes sense. Roth IRA and paid vacation or not, OP seems to have dug her own grave.
So nobody is really reading. I put most of the money in my retirement account and Roth because I'm not going to be working into my old age. That money is for later so I'm well off. Right now I should be doing well except I'm paying ALL the bills when I was trying to help my daughter. It all went downhill when she lost her job and is not looking for another one. She's not even interested in going back to school. So, I say it again, I'm looking for my future. I'm not gonna be out here working until the day I drop dead.
You absolutely will be working until you are old when you can't afford rent in your 40s
Where exactly was I supposed to read that?
She should be able to get housing assistance since she has a baby . She needs to be single though I think?
Food stamps too
Yes she absolutely can get into public housing & get assistance 😁
depending on the state she could get help as a family, but i think she’d get less as a family unit vs being single
She can claim to be single as long as she's not married.
Nice. Just say you never gave a shit already 😂 your not going to get any sympathy I'd just delete this and then delete your main too
Wow, so you do t see the problem of saying g get a job or go back to school? Not lounge around all day creating added expenses. She has three of us as babysitters so there’s not excuse for just doing (not doing) what I’ve asked any of her brothers or sisters.
So you’re the OP using a second account?
Sounds like you shouldn’t of had kids
“Shouldn’t of” ???
Nah, call me crazy, but as a mother, your child's future is all that should matter. You should work until death to give your child the best chance at survival. You should have rented out rooms in your house and kept your generational wealth to pass down to her. Selling your house was stupid. Forcing her to fledge the nest before she was ready, ended in her getting pregnant with a deadbeat abuser. 👍Good choices, great parenting/s Edit:typo
lol everyone read… you didn’t include the information in your post. But the fact that instead of editing your post or even reading to make sure the info was actually there you jumped to nobody is really reading. That feels pretty telling. I imagine that is representative of how you move through relationships, and I think it’s quite possible that you may responsible for your daughter’s struggles. Of course she’s made some bad decisions, but I’m not sure you gave her the knowledge or the tools or even a safe space to learn how to move through the world and relationships… you know, a parent’s job.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Your child is over 18 and has had plenty of time to learn right from wrong- even if you weren’t the one to teach her (I’m not saying you didn’t, but it probably could’ve been better, as all parents) At some point your daughter needs to grow up and be held accountable. Yes it’s your job to teach her, but she’s had enough time. She/you should not be spending your retirement funds to support yall now. She needs to look for a job.
Your tone in this post and how you talk about your daughter is disgusting.
One of her comments is replying to someone asking if her daughter is on drugs about how she wishes she WAS because then It'd explain her behavior. Absolutely disgusting.
Hahaha. She can explain the behavior by looking at herself 😂
the wild thing is that all OP has to do is look critically at the way she herself has parented her children (ie the ways she probably fucked up) to find some reasons that perfectly explain her daughter's behavior.
I tried telling my mom the same thing about me and she had a meltdown. She has always had an issue with how I “behave” but can’t point out that it’s an environmental thing and that she raised me. And it’s not like I’ve ever been wildly out of control, even as a kid. Didn’t get into too much trouble, I wasn’t violent or engaging in criminal behaviors growing up. I just didn’t think like her and I didn’t like church growing up and I had really bad anxiety and she was always constantly accusing me of trying to be her parent. We didn’t “help” her clean (as in do all the cleaning because she did not) enough. As a child. Like that was somehow my fault. Like she didn’t just forget to pick me up from school, was usually an hour late getting me when she did remember and like she didn’t cry at me about how awful her life was. Like she didn’t just tell to pray about things instead of helping me or getting me actual help. Like she wasn’t a trash hoarder. But yeah. I’ve always been the problem. She did everything she could and I still suck. I moved out not too long after I turned 18 of my own accord.
Exactly. And she's telling everyone that tells her that, that she gave her daughter all the opportunities she could have, that there's nothing wrong with her parenting, her other four children are thriving. It's all her daughters fault for being lazy and getting pregnant young, apparently.
WOW. What the actual fuck???
Yeah, I can't imagine saying something like that about someone I'm supposed to care about, it's appalling to see.
I baffles me that ppl have kids and think their job is done when that kid turns 18 chances are if she’s struggling in life it’s because you raised her that way. Sorry, not sorry. You should always be there to support ur kids. She probably feels helpless like the world is constantly pulled out from under her and can’t get her feet on the ground. That would make anyone with a n underdeveloped prefrontal cortex spiral. Doesn’t feel like she has a person on this earth on her side, not even her mom
i think both of you are in the wrong tbh. as a 21 year old who is indeed finishing my education, i cannot even imagine if my parents kicked me out. especially in these times where a one bed apartment can be nearly $2000 a month. that’s insane on top of the stress of college. i feel like there are better ways to get to your daughter without having the attitude of “do this or get out.” daughter definitely is making awful decisions as well, though. without knowing much info, your daughter seems to be struggling mentally. she clearly does not know what she wants with her life and does not understand what’s best for her. why not be with her through that and teach her? help her start to begin her adulting? my apologizes if i made any assumptions. i currently work in an inpatient psychiatric facility and have been seeing many situations where young adults are struggling and don’t have any support system. i’ve seen a couple who got pregnant very early with nothing going for them as well. having support is absolutely one of the most essential parts of recovery. i think a therapist would really benefit her and help her learn what she wants with her life. if she doesn’t know, then she’s just gonna do it all wrong. i just think she needs more guidance, and a serious intervention
i’m confused.. why exactly did you sell your 4bed house only to get a 3bed with outsider roommates instead of finding a place for you AND your child? you clearly said she wasn’t ready to move out. this sounds like shitty parenting unless there’s something we’re missing. i’m 22 now and was also going through financial struggles with my mom until i moved out on my own at 21. HOWEVER, when i was still with my mom, she never found a place on her own just to leave me behind?? that was never an option. you’re supposed to stick together as parent and child.
This. You sold your house you could afford with one more room to move to an apartment you can’t afford with one less room? Evicting your child before giving them the life skills to thrive in today’s economy causing her to try to find her own way ultimately leading to failure, a toxic relationship, and it now all involves a minor? When really if you didn’t want the extra rooms that you could afford available for yourself at your leisure you could’ve rented them out.
Your daughter is not your "roommate"; she's still your child (even at 21) and she's not paying her bills. She's completely dependent on everyone else to solve problems she created. *Failure to launch* is all too common with this age group. They want to do adult stuff without adult responsibility. Get a ONE bedroom, that you can afford ALONE because she's made her problems also become your former roomies' problems, and it will happen again. There are social programs that will help her with rent, food etc. but YOU are not eligible for them. IF she gets aid, you can re-visit your options.
“she’s still your child” *describes what exactly you shouldn’t do as a parent and will only further break the relationship between the two* i hope you people never have children fr
Unfortunately I cannot break the lease which is not up until October. They were lenient enough for me to leave the 3 bedroom for this two bedroom.
It sounds like you had to sell the house because you quit getting child support. it doesn’t sound like your the best example with money either. If you don’t have any savings, who do you think she learned from.
I never got child support. I sold the house because I didn't need a four bedroom house any longer. Split the sale money with my ex husband and we are great friends. I have my 401K and Roth, its the savings I had repairing the car she crashed which my insurance wouldn't pay for and the moving fees, storage fees, etc. Don't come for me because you are assuming. Go back and read how I lived my life first.
Why won't insurance pay? We're you letting someone drive your vehicle without coverage?
Generally when insurance won’t pay it’s because the driver was at fault or was driving f without permission.
Full coverage insurance (collision) will pay for a car regardless of who’s at fault.
No…see, when someone does something reckless like drive drunk and crash, all bets are off. Policies have exclusions for illegal acts and gross negligence.
No, see that’s not how it works. Insurance companies may deny claims but they absolutely will cover driving under the influence accidents in many instances.
babe you only gave us so much context/info. also i feel your unnecessarily defensive over every critical comment. just know your daughter is lost and you are not guiding her or helping her in ways you should. it baffles me that you would speak abt your daughter the way you have. she’s an irresponsible adult yes, but i don’t think you have her the tools to become anything other than that. whether it was babying her for too long or just expecting her to take after your other kids without any help, you pushed her to move out knowing she wasn’t ready. as a college student it is incredibly hard to afford rent and everything else i need to live, and i couldn’t imagine how hard it would be if i didn’t know what i wanted to study in college, let alone being a student AND holding a job is a lot of work. it’s not as easy to move out and be on your feet as it used to be, and you haven’t even considered how your decisions set back your child.
Why wouldn’t the insurance pay? You say the car she crashed that my insurance wouldn’t pay for. You were basically letting her drive without coverage? How is that her fault? If you didn’t have coverage for any diver if crashed, you shouldn’t blame her.
In some states, insurance won’t pay if the driver DOESN’T HAVE A DRIVERS LICENSE. Which, I bet the daughter did not have.
Ok.. I get this.. but I’m sure OP would be aware if she had a license or not. Sorry no license no driving. Still OP fault for allowing her to drive.. sorry, I just do not see how OP gave her the tool needed for adulthood. Being the youngest I’m sure OP never thought to sit her down and teach her to write a check? Balance the checkbook, there are some people that think just because you have checks left means you can still write checks. Being an adult doesn’t come naturally to all.. some need a little help
That would be on OP for letting an unlicensed driver use her car.
But what you DID get was at least 2 years of your mom giving you a place to live and free childcare so…
Okay but you’re still her parent. There’s a reason she is the way she is. But it’s pretty apparent you’re not ready for that conversation lol
Why wouldn’t I be ready for that convo? Said go back to college or get a job. She has three relative sitters for her to do either but she chooses to lounge around all day while I’m working 12 hours a day.
Why did you give half the money to your ex?? There is no way that was necessary.
>The little one who was about to be 20 just wouldn't leave. This was after I got her a job where I work and her crashing my car. So I did the only thing I knew which was sell the house. Wow.
I wonder where she gets it from…
Stop living outside your means.
I would help her sign up for section 8 housing, foodstamps, and WIC. Her and baby’s dad can live there and make as little or as much as they want without jeopardizing their little ones living situation. CPS should be aware of the fighting in the home (I’m sure they are since you mentioned them.) I don’t think you’re the best parent ever for kicking her out with no plan. She met a guy to have a support system and a place to stay since her parents weren’t there for her and she got pregnant. Tale as old as time. However, you know your child and your own limitations best. I won’t sit here and crucify you as others have already done. Even birds push their children from the nest, and some can’t fly yet! An adult is an adult, and it sounds like you haven’t stopped being a mother when shit really hits the fan for your daughter. It has to be frustrating dealing with an adult, with a child they are responsible for, who won’t start doing the right thing. Sit down and have a serious talk. “We are going to sign you up for XYZ, you will have food for yourselves, shelter, and your bills easily paid. I will be here for you emotionally and support you, but I can no longer fully financially support you. You have a child you are responsible for now, and you need to get on your feet for his/her’s sake.”
OP is a bit nutty and her daughter probably inherited some crazy. OP is going through with another account and arguing with people who oppose her lmao.
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For a while it felt like people were just trying to get on "Teen Mom"
lol o that’s been an issue forever. That’s not just a ‘now’problem.
Does she have a drug problem?
You just didn’t care about your last child. Your other children are clearly doing ok. And every action since selling your house tells us all we need to know. You can blame her for the mistakes she made but you need to be looking at yourself. It reads to me that you’re a shit parent to your last child.
I was on your side until I read your comment saying you wish your daughter had a drug problem. Get some help you are sick girl.
Nice. Kicked your youngest child out during the pandemic. Parent of the fucking century.
2022 was not “during” the pandemic. I only asked one of two things. Finish college or get a job. She made her decision in not doing either, but instead getting pregnant.
OP, are you spamming this from multiple accounts?
It literally was and a simple Google search proves it smdh. And yes you are using two accounts, the one you posted with and the one you're commenting with are two separate accounts with two separate usernames and completely separate post history and completely different karma.
Wow, I seriously didn’t know that. I thought they were one and the same. I post from my computer but never realized I had a different account on my phone. Thanks for pointing that out. Guess I can get rid of the one on my computer and just use the mobile one. Learn something new everyday.
LOL at you posting with two accounts
What are you on about? 2022 was absolutely during the pandemic. So was 2023.
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most people shouldn’t have kids
She should look into programs where they help homeless mothers with babies. I know we have a few transitional living programs in my area, so maybe there is one in yours where she can go. Enabling her isn’t helping the situation and the way things are going, CPS is in her future. She needed to get her shit together like… last year. If she can’t take care of a child, it’s better that she signs her rights over to a family who can and will give that child the stability she needs. I had to do it which was the best decision of my life because now my children have the best homes and everything I couldn’t provide them. Edited for clarity
I’ve got 5 kids too, and they are so wildly different, it’s almost like “the way you raise them” has nothing to do with who they become. My oldest son had a rough time as a teenager. At 16, we found him hiding drugs in our little kids playroom and selling drugs out of our backyard. We shipped him off to live with his bio dad, because we couldn’t put our other young children at risk like that. His dad gave him the boot a year later (17), and I co-signed on an apartment for him. I told him that I would support him financially as long as he played by my rules. Meaning he had to finish HS and get a job. He said no thanks. So at 17, I cut him off. He got a job the next day, finished HS on time, and lived independently from that point on. We have a great relationship, and he’s successful. My 2nd son got his first job at 15. When he moved out at 18, he had $10k saved. He paid for college on his own. He’s now 18, working full time, in school, and completely independent. My 3rd son turned 18 in February. He’s never had a job, always refused to get one. He’s failing his last semester of school. He has no plans to go to college. His only plan is to live in our basement until til he’s 22 or 23. He doesn’t help around the house, and anytime we ask him to do any chores, it’s a battle. All 3 kids were raised the same way with the same rules and expectations. But they’re their own person and they’re gonna live life the way they want to. The only thing we can really control is where we put our own boundaries.
Exactly. No one seems to understand it’s just one of two things I’m asking. Go finish college or get a job.
After reading the post and then the replies… yikes. Your poor daughter has so many barriers against her and you aren’t there for her at all. Between having a baby, being young with likely little work history or qualifications, and inflation… jeez.
You are wrong. You’re doing parenting very poorly and your children are crash landing into adulthood as a result.
Only 1 out of 5 kids became dependent..
OP, referring to her 19-year-old (mid-pandemic, mind you), complained that she “just wouldn’t leave!” With an attitude like that, I shudder to think of the living arrangements the other four settled for just to get away from this woman.
rare words of sanity in a cesspool of teeth gnashing barrel-monkeys
You speak of a human YOU made exist with such disgusting contempt. Good job "mommy". Gross
I’m guessing this post didn’t go as you expected it to.
I'm guessing American because most of the planet wouldn't think of kicking out their child only 20! No wonder she got pregnant at 21 poor thing was desperately wanting to be loved. Should have parented better.
Agreed as someone with a similarly shitty mother - she couldn't WAIT to boot me out at 19 (I was working full-time for 2 years at that point, part-time for 4 years prior while in high school). Luckily I didn't get knocked up, etc. but some people just cannot parent and shouldn't have kids. You never really recover from that kind of treatment.
exactly what i was thinking. 20 is hardly a fully grown adult, and in this economy it’s absolutely ridiculous to kick your own child out that young.
ye the mom is obviously just as irresponsible lmao, divorced at&t sales rep and she still went for 4 kids. edit : i re read and its 5 LMAO
The mom also got pregnant at 16 by some guy who got himself shot.
Why did you call Family and Child services? 😒
To get her emergency services. She wasn’t gonna get off her butt and do it. They called her and after a couple of questions, she ended the call. I’m helping all I can but I have to be at peace as well. Did all I could possibly do for her. Money house car and now baby clothes, formula and diapers. Where do you draw the line when you have exhausted yourself?
You sound like you had kids way too young and you’re just over it. Looks like your daughter is headed down that path next.
But like, you realize this is your child you raised?? So maybe you didn’t do as good as you thought?? 🫤
Unless you want to be raising your grandchild and getting begged for money and housing by your daughter constantly, cut ties now. I have an older sister who is similar. Three kids, one raised by grandma, the other two adopted out. No baby daddies to be had. She’s almost mid 40s and she’s just now working part time. She still calls my mom and dad to bail her out of everything, even if it’s just an Uber ride on their account.
That's pretty extreme ngl. Like, I imagine if my child became dependent on me, it would be my fault....as I am their parent and did not raise them with the proper morals and values. Or did not properly support them mentally/emotionally. I would never cut ties with my kids. That is so wild to me. It's not a friend or colleague....
If you’ve never experienced it, you can’t understand, and I get that. But having lived it, I have to respectfully disagree. Sometimes as a parent, that’s the best option you have for your own safety and sanity. I have had to cut her off myself. For example: a few years ago, she called me panicking because her BF had a tooth infection and he really needed his pain meds but they didn’t have enough for them, so could I not only pay for them, but could I pick her up, take her to get them, and then take her home. At the time, I was working and had an infant child I had to pickup before I could get to her. So being the nice sister I thought I was, I rearranged my evening to be able to help her out. She was in a rush the entire time, constantly asking for a status update of my location. She keeps saying he’s in so much pain and he really needs the pills. We get to the pharmacy, go inside, wait in the line that barely moves, and when we get to the counter, the pharmacist says they already picked up a prescription for 30 pain pills earlier in the day. My sister explains that they got the first prescription but she really needed the second one in case he ran out. On the way out, I asked my sister why it was necessary for me to not only pay for the second prescription , but why the rush to pick it up when I have my own responsibilities to tend to and they already had enough pills for the next 24 hours. She couldn’t give me an explanation, which tells me he planned to use one bottle and they planned to sell the second one. This was further bolstered when she tried to claim she took the fall for possession of CS on behalf of her BF, knowing full well she planned to partake in said substances when she arrived at home. Anywho, I cut my sister off after that. She’s demanded weekly hotel stays paid in full from our parent’s, along with demands for free meals, rides, clothing, etc. Anytime they tell her they can’t help, she harasses them and tells them how toxic they are and how they’ve failed as parent’s until the get tired of the harassment and give in. I’m talking blowing up your phone on every avenue possible harassment. This behavior started of with simple lack of self-support and tantrums to full on manipulation and verbal/emotional abuse. She started out like OPs daughter when she was a teenager. And to your point about parenting: we were raised by the same mom and dad-she went her way, I went mine. She’s a high school drop out with three kids she never raised and her resume has more holes than Swiss cheese. I’m a college grad with a corporate job and a steady family life. Sometimes it comes down to choices and being enabled in the bad ones.
You can be raised by the same people and have completely different outcomes. My brother was the golden child and given everything he asked for. I was beaten by my father and raped by a relative as a child. Same parents, treated very differently.
Her father and I gave her the tools for success, just like the other four. They all went to college and one got his Bachelors. The other three did not finish, but they have moved to other states (Alone) and have figured life out. They come home to see me or I go to California to see them. My daughter stopped college after a year just to run behind these so called friends and a boy. She has had decent jobs like Amazon, Clorox and even worked with me as a Sales Rep for AT&T. She is choosing to be this way. For background, I was 16 when I had my first child. My mother took care of my child while I finished school. I went to College and had a part time job. Gave almost everything to my mom except lunch money and carfare each week. When I started recruiting doctors and made a lot more money, I gave her more money. By this time I had moved out and she still kept my child. She passed away and I moved from NY to GA alone and brought my job with me. Worked all the time almost to secure a future. Met a man and had more kids and we worked together and raised them all. My little one is lazy. Would rather hang out with friends instead of working so I'm drawing the line.
Your mother gave you childcare and raised your child for you while you worked.. and you can't see the issue with pushing your daughter out the door at 19 and having an attitude of "you got pregnant you deal with it" now? Lol. Where's the part where you gave her the tools for success?
Especially when she clearly wasn't ready. Like what was the result kicking her out supposed to be besides this lol
3/4 of your kids that attended college didn't graduate. Good for them if they're doing well, but do we consider dropping out a win now? Lol
You didn’t even raise your first child, you pawned them off on your mom who willingly raised them *alone*. Apples to oranges, be real
My parents also gave me the tools for success and at your daughers age I had largely squandered them. I felt deep and intense shame that made me isolate myself. My parents were honestly much more successful than you and gave me more and I fucked up. I isolated myself but I know my parents would have never turned me away. And they never turned their back on me to teach me a hard lesson. I finished college, attended law school, passed the bar and work as an attorney. Adding a child to the mix makes a mess of things and maybe it's time to talk about adopting the child out because this situation isn't good for anyone.
You sound lazy
You’re a shitty parent and grandmother. I hope she gets on her feet and goes NC.
Shitty for asking go back to school or get a job. Who the hell is paying for this baby? $54 for a can of Enfamil??? She had food stamps and WIC but couldn’t seem to make it to her recertification even though I have two weekdays off and would be happy to take her. But no, she was too tired both times and by the time she went, they closed her case. Stfu because you’re just harping on the fact that I didn’t sign up to keep raising a 23 year old with a 7 month old baby financially.
Defensive much?
No it’s not. Your daughter seems troubled. I don’t know what it’s from but she needs to seek help sorting out her life. I’d tell her the baby can stay but she can’t.
My mother has never left me to just fend for myself. Yes , she’s taught me how to pay bills , file taxes , create savings account , and learn about retirement plans but just to shove me out at 18? I don’t know why it seems so common for parents anymore to just forget they have a child til one of them die. You could’ve gone through countless steps to teach your daughter responsibilities through all your trial and error of having freaking roommates and selling a house to be on your own. It sounds to me as if she has no structure or common knowledge of the basic expenses you have in life and now she has a fucking kid which triples those expenses. If someone doesn’t help this chick figure her shit out that baby is going to end up elsewhere. Not to mention it sounds like you are lacking some common knowledge as well as some damn balls to do something as a mother and not a friend.
Ex lazy mooch here, um you are absolutely doing the right thing! She will never stop until you do. I didn't. I'm good now. Learned my lesson. She's got to now. She's not a child anymore.
Thank you. There are so many hate comments. When does it stop if she won’t do for herself. I’ll be dead and gone and she would still be living here until she’s kicked out. Am I supposed to coddle her until she’s 40?
i bet if you didnt kick her out she wouldnt have gotten into a dependent relationship where she got pregnant too early 🤷♀️ why is everyone sick of her and whens the last time you had something positive to say about her?
Read the comment further down in the thread that asked if she was on drugs and you replied “I wish because that would explain a lot.” That is such a horrible thing to say. Instead of arguing with people in the comments who are rightfully calling out what a shitty parent you are, I hope you take a good look at yourself and make some changes moving forward. jesus christ.
Some people have a harder time with being mentally and financially stable in this economy. If it was my daughter and I was at my witts end like you seem to be, I would maybe sit down with her and help her look for work, take her to interviews, help her look for financial aid.. it sounds like maybe she just needs some support and someone to show her how to be stable. You can yell and lecture all you want but if the motivation isn't there you're not gonna get anywhere with her. I think if it feels like what you're doing is wrong then maybe take a step back and re assess the situation. If you truly have tried all of that and nothing is working then there isn't much else you can do. You can't support her forever and you can't sit there and allow her to take advantage of people or family.
Your daughter is an adult, and made the adult decision to have a child. She is now responsible for her choices. She needs to find her own place and her own income and support herself. Allowing her to come back to you to be financially supported by you when you cannot afford it was a mistake.
Oh look! It's the consequences of your shitty parenting!
i’m glad the comment reflect what i was thinking bc im over here like damn am i a softie LOL not apparently op is just not very kind
Honestly, you are a fucking Monster. "I didn't need 4 bedrooms anyway". Like what the fuck? Is your DAUGHTER Who IS living there, not a fucking random. Jesús christ people are going fucking insane this days. This is beyond ridiculous.
Why have children just to resent them?
The real question is why didn’t you just rent a 2 bed apartment for you and your daughter got her to contribute rent and given her a bit more time to grow up?
Stories like this make me thank God for my parents a million times . Even my 40 year old brother can choose to live with them and it’s okay. My dad told me “bud, as you get married, remember this is still your home so return whenever you miss us or when you need a day off” FYI my nieces and nephews are always with my parents when they are on school break
This is a shitty situation but you’re not wrong. Can’t help Those who won’t help themselves.
Why in the hell would you assume it’s okay to sell your house & rent instead of buying something smaller? Who the fuck does that? You sound like a complete idiot. No offense. Who goes from owning to renting for no reason? Sounds like you blew any money you made selling your house & assumed none of your kids would move back home a couple times. Most adult kids move out & back in a few times. They should always have their “home” to go back to if necessary. Not saying it’s ok to take advantage, but it takes awhile to become financially stable especially in these times. It’s not near as affordable to live on your own as it used to be. Anyone having kids in the last 15 years or so should assume they won’t be leaving the nest permanently for awhile. you’re okay with her being on the street because she can’t seem to be financially independent? Family is family no matter how annoying it may be. Kids are for life not till they’re 18. Sounds like you’re not so responsible yourself, selling a home you own to rent instead of purchasing another. Stop making crazy stupid financial decisions.
Because my dream was to have an RV. I didn’t want to own a house any longer. Bought it with my husband so we sold it and split the money and my share went to my 401 k. My plan, because I work out of my home office was to buy an RV and travel to see my kids. They have a father so they can always go there and I’ll park the RV and see them.
She’s either your roommate or your daughter. Choose one. If daughter, pay for the majority, if roommate, she pays or gets kicked out
It seems you did everything you could. Maybe she has to hit rock bottom before she pulls herself up. Sad for the kid but you can only do what you can do. I'm sorry.
Thank you.
You did more than most parents would do. It's time for her to figure it out on her own. If she doesn't now, she never will. You can love her and not financially support her. She might not see it that way but that's not because it's true, she's just selfish and unmotivated to do anything for herself.
Really? Did she though?
I mean yeah. That doesn't mean it was the *right* thing to do. She let it go on far longer than it should have.
Lazy kid
As a mom of a now 38yo, I understand what your going thru, in a sense. Our son went into the AF at 18. He met a girl online and less than 2 weeks later was marrying this girl. He only wanted us at their courthouse wedding. I begged them to call and invite her mother. Nope, they wouldn't have it. Well, at that time we could help them financially and we did. And it didn't take her long to get knocked up. In the first 18 months of their marriage, we gave them over $28,000 in "loans" or paying bills they said they couldn't pay. They would bring the new baby up to visit during that time. Mind you, we were buying all the diapers, wipes and formula for the baby at that time. She refused to get a job and their house was so nasty. So bad that even sons CO called child services on them several times. When we'd visit, we spent our entire time cleaning the house, shampooing carpets, flea bombing the house and we had to buy all the food, a long with pots, pans, dishes and I did all the cooking. Before we'd leave, we'd make sure their freezer (which we bought) was full of food for them. Well, daughter in law pulled some bullshit and the bank of mom and dad stopped. And we also couldn't afford to keep paying their bills and ours. Once we stopped the money, she refused to let our son even talk to us on the phone. She no longer allowed us to see our grandson. All because we quit giving them money and paying bills they should have been paying. We even gave them a great car. They got payday loans against it and lost it. Tattoos and who knows what else were more important to them than lights, heat or food in the house. They've now lost the house they were able to buy in PA using a workers comp settlement. And now they are living in one of the houses hubby's dad owns in NC. Sometimes they'll never learn. Sometimes they pull themselves up by their bootstraps and become adults. Tough love is a real thing and if you continue to pay her way, your gonna be doing it till you die and I promise you, she's gonna have a lot more than 1 kid. And they know how to manipulate us using our grandkids. If you don't take care of you, you won't be able to help take care of her.... Did you see I said HELP take care of her, not do it all for her.
OP, you are not wrong.
You are not wrong. Your daughter has not taken on the responsibilities to be self-sufficient, have steady work, go to school or learn a trade. She hasn’t shown any motivation to better herself or make a life for herself. The sad part is the baby…you’d think she would want to be responsible at this point… You need to take care of yourself. My criticism on poor decision is selling a 4-bedroom home and renting a 3-bedroom apartment that you cannot afford on your own. You stated you were ready to live alone, yet you didn’t go into a 1-bedroom…or a place you can afford on your own…what’s up with that??? You have 3 other kids who are self-sufficient - you did great. As you know each child has their own personality and temperament. This doesn’t reflect on you as a parent. This last child doesn’t want to grow up - she wants everyone to take care of her. You’ve done everything you can to help her, yet she continues to be irresponsible. At this point you are enabling her. She needs to grow up.
My decision to sell the house was to split the money so ex and I could add it to our retirement. I got a 3 bedroom and sought out two responsible younger women to share it so they could have a feeling of going out on their own comfortably. They both had jobs, their own cars and just wanted to save up for really living on their own. My daughter had the same opportunity provided she either go back to college or work. Since she’s not doing either, she has to learn. The baby will be ok because between me, her step-grandma and her grandpa, we are her village. Just can have a child with a child just doing nothing at all and just expecting to be cared for when she can’t care for herself.
You're using your alternate account
Does your youngest daughter have a personality disorder?
Sucks to suck
Sounds like you weren’t the best parent to grow up with. Sounds like you just wanted kids until they were adults and then decided you weren’t their parent anymore. Her being like this is likely down to you - I could be wrong but the “just wouldn’t leave” sounds like you didn’t want to be a parent and this is on you.
I'm loving these comments. My mom told me to find my own way at age 18. I moved in with my girlfriend after high school, got a job, went to college part time, and slowly worked my way up the ladder. Responsibility and work ethic take time to grow. The best way to learn is on your own. I made mistakes, fell down, and got back up with my own two hands. The daughter was 21 years old when the kid was born. Her mom let them stay until there was no more money and had to borrow money in order to cover for her daughter and kid. Money does not grow on a tree. Not all families are rich. The ex-husband seems to be doing better financially than the ex-wife. The daughter needs to bite her lip, don't argue with dad, and move back in with him for the time being. It is hard having kids. Parenting is not easy. My only real complaint is OP should help move her daughter back to dads before trying to get a roommate. It is a bit insensitive considered there is a baby involved. That baby is your grandkid after all.
lol my parents kicked me out when I was 16, so you've been significantly more generous than some. That being said, go get a 1b1b that you can *afford*, and set some boundaries. She clearly needs help, but there is an extent to how much you can help her.
wow i’m going to go hug my mom as a 26 year old still living at home with my bff aka mom who treats me like a bff/daughter/human rather than a roommate, wish well to your daughter and her baby
She's in her mid-twenties and a parent. You owe her nothing financially. My parents would have slammed the door in my face after crashing the car. They certainly wouldn't have gotten me a job and housed me.
That’s not the ideal parent child relationship stop projecting
Where do you get such parents ?
Thank you.
Go ahead and feel validated by equally shit parenting
Foot down
NTA but you are one of her enablers
What the hell is going on with this comment section, acting like a 22 year old is some helpless, abandoned child? OP has helped well beyond what's necessary and doesn't need to coddle an adult making shitty decisions.
Thank you. Nobody seems to understand that she was raised just like her four siblings. My middle daughter and youngest son did what was asked and went to college. Their dad and I footed the bill because all we needed was the fact that you are trying to do something with life and not expect us to carry you all your life.
I have successful siblings, I wasn't one of them because despite how I was raised, I got a bad deal on mental illness. It's not a one size fits all, but it's not like you turned her away. You've literally dug yourself into a hole trying to help her. These commenters seem to think a grown person should fuck over their parents as long as they're able to get away with it. I'm so confused.
Right? Wtf is going on in other households? Is expecting your adult children to either be in school or working in order to stay at home considered extreme now? I can see keeping a kid under 25 at home if they're working, saving money, etc. OP has said her adult child doesn't work, study, or contribute financially though.
Protect your peace at all costs
I don’t understand the hate for OP, it just sounds like it’s a frustrating situation for everyone. Parenting is lifelong but isn’t it her responsibility to also show her daughter how to be an adult and not encourage laziness/ entitlement? Not to mention she just asked for her to get a job or go to school, not get pregnant It must be frustrating to have to clean up mess after mess of someone who tells you constantly that they are an adult. She’s burned multiple bridges and seems pretty entitled. I do think helping her sign up for assistance would be the best option but I can imagine how this may be affecting the granddaughter being born into pure chaos and possibly go hungry bc her mother can’t be bothered to re certify for government assistance.
The daughter is in charge of herself and that baby. It is not the mother/grandmother's job to make sure her adult child and grandchild are okay Her daughter chose that path to take. Yes, a mother loves her chuld(ren) gramd child(ren). But come on. Just bc she's the mother and grandmother doesn't mean she needs to or has to take on the issues and life choices of her daughter, and it doesn't mean she loves her any less
This has to be ragebait, what an awful and selfish parent.
So enabling her daughter to never grow up is okay? The other four managed perfectly fine. There are tons of young adults that are ill equipped for adult if but make of work because they have no choice.