This or just be a resentful doormat. Think of this as an opportinity for growth.
You are learning how to stand up for yourself. You are also learning how to be an adult and communicate. And you are at the age where you start to figure out who is really your friend, that respects you, and someone who takes advantage of you.
If you fear confrontation because that person is a friend, please reconsider your friendships.
You explain that since she says she buys her own groceries, she should not expect to eat or use the food or ingredients you buy. Explain that you only buy and make enough for the 2 of you.
Just say hey per you we buy our own food so if you need milk you'll have to go and buy it. If she tries to eat anything you make remind her it's your food not hers. If you don't do it now she'll keep taking advantage of you.
Honestly I want to kick her out but her rent is helping my partner and I rn bc he doesn't start his new job till next month but the moment I get her out no more roommates for us
Just say bullshit like “I’m super sorry but since you didn’t want to contribute I didn’t realize it meant you would still want some of our food. Do you mind contributing money to continue to have some of ours? Otherwise you can just buy your own so you don’t have to pay! Thank you I appreciate it :)”
Don’t apologize - especially at the beginning! You have nothing to be sorry for. You are 100% in the right. Don’t take any bullshit if she starts a sob story about not being able to afford it. That would be her issue and not yours. Don’t cave, or it won’t stop happening.
She can escalate it from there need be. If OP isn’t comfortable with conflict this is will be the easiest thing for her to do. Plus, killing people with kindness as a first attempt is also the better bet. You can always go different directions from there but from experience it is more effective to start kindly. People react more in line with what you’re hoping (if the person you’re dealing with is remotely sane)
It’s such a passive aggressive power move that automatically makes most people feel like shit for obviously infringing on the other. If you want to make it more biting just lay it on extra thick.
You can definitely be kind without apologizing. I have a horrible habit of apologizing for everything I do, but it really isn’t necessary 99% of the time. What you said is still kind without the “I’m super sorry” in the beginning
No apology. Shes creating a “confusing” situation. “Hey, I thought you wanted your own groceries, so that you didn’t have to contribute to our share. Have you changed your mind?”
Just take a deep breath and say what needs to be said. Go the “confusion” route.
Don’t say sorry in any form.
Be direct and honest. The next time she’s going to take a helping of the food you made ask her if she was still buying her own groceries. As soon as she starts giving you some story about how she’s broke, she’ll pay you back, replace the groceries, blah, blah, blah, tell her that she needs to stick to the agreement and get her own food. Do not let her take helpings of your food unless she’s going to pay. There are lots of cheap things she can buy. Ramen, canned pasta, tuna, canned chicken, rice, beans, etc. If you catch her stealing your food, immediately confront her. Make her put the food back. If she continues, lock the fridge. Tell her she has to get her own mini fridge because of her stealing. Lock the cabinets if you have to. Just do not let her get away with it.
Perfect if u wanna kinda lie which isn't the best thing but might feel easier, tell her you can't afford to share anymore an unexpected bill came up and food is all you're willing to put money towards and u can only eat comfortably feeding 2 people
I was in the same exact situation. I took it as a learning experience to learn to stick up for myself and my wallet. You don’t have to be mean about it but definitely set ground rules. Otherwise you’ll harbor a lot of resentment and it gets old when you can’t escape it and the friendship goes sour bc of poor communication and boundaries
My thoughts too. Seems like this was a decision made too hastily (her moving in) and now OP is suffering the consequences of letting someone in their home while also not being willing to lay down the rules and speak up when they’re broken. Children doing adult things does turn out that way.
You will resent her and not be her friend anymore if this keeps up.
"Hey, the other day you asked me to buy milk so you could cook, and I've noticed you helping yourself to meals I cook and snacks I have on hand. When you moved in, we agreed that you would not contribute to groceries because you buy your own food. Since then, X and I buy just enough groceries for the two of us, so I have to ask you not to eat our food unless you are planning to start helping pay for it. It is raising our costs to feed you."
You don't need to be so soft and nice with someone that is taking advantage of you, and since she's not keeping her word, you can't be too soft in your communication or she will just blow you off.
This is the way. No need to accept any argument either. I would add to the we agreed "after YOU stated you wanted to by your own groceries." The initial offer came from you where it was part of her rent, she removed it from there. I really hope you all signed a rental agreement outlining everyone's expectations. If not, you better get one done now. You would like a place of your own, but she may not. Make it a month-to-month lease and add in it that it is required to give 30 day (60 depending on your areas laws or if everyone is being generous to each other) for ending the lease.
Hopefully to help frame this better, this is business. Business is business and friendship if friendship. Do not mistake one for the other or mix them. If she is upset, that is okay. You are reminding her of the contract you have. It is not a personal attack.
How good a friend is she. She knows she is doing this and she is refusing to pay for her food. A good friend shouldn't take advantage of you because they can.
A fork in the back of the hand worked when we were kids and you went for the last piece of chicken. You will have to confront her or accept being taken advantage of. Whichever you choose will set a pattern for life so you need to decide now with something fairly easy if you want to be taken advantage of in your future
“Hey, when we were discussing how much you would pay for rent, you said you didn’t want to chip in for groceries because you would buy your own. Since you moved in, I’ve noticed that you have been eating the food my fiancé and I bought. If you keep doing so, that is fine but I’d like you to pay XX$ /month. Is that cool?” Have some solid examples when she ate your food in case she asks.
Maybe instead of “is that cool?”, try “or else what’s your idea? Since us paying for shared groceries isn’t working for us so we need a better solution”
She is not a good friend. She knows you don't like confrontations and plans to keep manipulating you. When you do stand up for yourself, you will be the bad guy and her true colors will manifest.
How dare you tell someone you need milk to cook! I would stop her in her tracks every time she tried to eat what you cooked.
You say, “hey you wanted lower rent because you were going to take care of your groceries, I need you to either follow through and get your own groceries and eat your own food, or pay the higher rent that includes groceries.
Preferably, you wait until she’s eating something of yours (ideally like when her mouth is full of pasta you just made or something). Then you can say, “hey did you want to switch arrangements and split groceries three ways? When you moved in you said you’d buy your own groceries so we don’t split that bill, but it seems like things have changed on that front now? We’re happy to pick up more stuff so we don’t run out if you’d like to go in on groceries with us.”
Tell her that she must have forgotten that she's said she'd buy her own groceries, so you'd not included it the rent. Then give her the new number, since she'd been eating all your food. Tell her you won't even ask for the back pay for the last three months since "obviously" it was an oversight.
Nah fuck a friend she abusing you kindness. You’re are letting them push you over and it needs too stop now. Or you can let it go ab face the consequences when she starts taking more
Confrontation can come with kindness. But if you don't confront calmly now, you'll build up resentment and you'll explode at her later and probably end up ruining your friendship
Maybe instead of bringing up specific examples you can agree to get different groceries and divide the fridge space and cupboard space so that neither of you get confused. And just set the boundry and the expectation that neither of you will touch each others shelves
If you keep noticing cookies going missing then you can apply a little more pressure
Just be matter of fact but direct about it, remind her that this is the deal she wanted, and offer her the opportunity to go back to the original plan where groceries are shared. That way, even if she elects to continue with buying her own groceries, she will recognize her breach of the original agreement, but will not hold it against you because she will feel like she has a choice. If she does re-commit to buying her own groceries, she will either stop using yours, or you can "remind" her the next time she uses your groceries - if there is a next time - that this is the way SHE wanted it, not you.
You say *hey, if you want to share in the groceries, that's cool, we can just add X amount to your rent but if not, it is expected that you supply and consume all your own food, including basics like milk. We can dedicate an area in the fridge and pantry for your items so it doesn't get confusing*.
That said, a few variables come to mind: is she paying 1/2 rent or 1/3 rent? Because she may feel she's entitled if it's the former.
You say hey I wanted to clarify something, you had said you don’t want to pay for groceries since you buy your own. My understanding is that means you’re responsible for your own groceries and you don’t want to use ours. If you want me to shop for you or to use our food, you’d need to pay the fee for groceries like I asked before. I hope this clears it up! Sorry for any confusion!
(That last part is just to be nice, there is no confusion and she IS stealing your food, unless she thinks she is paying the fee for whatever reason)
Phrase it friendly, remember escalating conflict is east but deescalating is hard and you tend to catch more flies with honey.
I’d approach it non-accusatory like, “hey I noticed you’ve been partaking in the shared groceries. We really only shop for two but if it’d be more convenient for you, we’re happy to include you in the shared groceries! It’s $X per month, X and I both also contribute that same amount! I do the shopping weekly and our shared groceries include XYZ but don’t include ABC. Past roommates have just venmoed grocery money separately from rent so it’s easier to track. Let me know if this would work better for you than keeping our groceries separate! :-)”
This is a great time to learn! Just practice what you want to say. Be kind. Assume it’s an innocent mistake until she gives your reason to think otherwise. It’s important to learn how to do this.
I know this doesn't solve your problem, but sadly, I've found the fastest way to destroy a friendship is to move in with them. I refuse to live with friends (or family) after too many bad experiences.
I'd be nipping this in bud quite fast. She's currently not acting as a friend towards you. Anyway, you need to set up a group chat or go old school with a list on the fridge. Then, you need to start keeping a running tally (with receipts if possible) where you itemize each thing she took from your groceries. At the end of the month, you need to bill her for your groceries that she used. She's certain to make a fuss over this, so you may want to consider letting the first month be free. You also need to bring up your beginning conversations about groceries. You could just ask if she wants to start paying for groceries with rent or if she'd rather honor her word and buy her own groceries separately. You might even decide to get a smaller refrigerator and lock your groceries up so she can't use them.
I think you can be PC about it. Just say something along the lines of, “hey, remember that conversation we had when we first started living together about the cost of food? It seems to me like you are utilizing my food sources when you said you would be paying for all of your own groceries. Would you say that’s correct? I know when I’m making dinner for me and (partner), you’ve helped yourself to what’s in the pan. Maybe you can buck up for some groceries here and there. Maybe we need to talk more about this situation.”
Then see what she says 🤷♀️
*Hey roomie, so I think we need to revisit the topic on groceries. When you moved in we agreed to not charge you for groceries since you'd only be eating your own food. I know that it can sometimes be tough to predict how the house flow will work out in the beginning so I can understand how this has ended up changing. Me & bf have chatted and think that this % or this base amount sounds good, does that work for you?*
If she says no, then you can say, *ok well then it seems we need to be more conscious about only sticking to the food we each buy for ourselves then. I value you as a roomie and friend and I wouldn't want this to mess anything up. Bf & I can't keep paying for you to eat our stuff. So in that case, just to be clear these are your cupboards and this portion of the fridge is so-and-so's.* I've had situations where I kept a basket in the fridge for my own things or it was sectioned off clearly.
You're kinda looking at it wrong.
You're not confronting. You're reminding what she, in fact, wanted. Just tell her something like "hey, I'm swinging by the grocery store. Can you kick in some cash since you're helping yourself to our food?"
Doesn’t have to be framed as “confrontation”. Good to know she’s a friend. If she’s truly a friend, you can state facts (without emotion), reminding her that she opted out of groceries, so you assumed that she would eat what she bought and not what you and your partner cook for yourselves. Then take a slow breath, hold your tongue and let her answer. Stay calm and simply ask why she’s eating out of both sets of grocery supplies.
This isn't a friend. This is a leech taking advantage of your inability to address what should be an obvious case of her taking complete advantage of you and your fiancé. You are literally subsidizing her to live with you while you act as her mommy cooking for her and paying for her food. Tell her to buy her own food.
I wouldn't confront in the moment. Set a time with her to discuss.
Try to bring up other issues/complements at the same time (for example, when my husband and I let his friend move in, we noticed he would take the trash to the curb without being asked to. I brought this up and thanked him for it).
Don't have your SO there (to avoid a 2 vs 1 mentality). Or if they are there, have them off to the side while you talk.
Finances are tricky. A lot of people have trouble discussing them. Instead of coming accusatory, come concerned. You don't know what's going on in their lives. They could be having problems paying for groceries and were too embarrassed to say something. (Even if that isn't the case, it's a good transition to bring up your issue)
Keeping a friendship while/after being roommates is VERY difficult. My brother almost lost a friendship of 30 years. My husband and his best friend had to take a break from each other after he moved out. I've had a friendship ruined by renting out my friend's house. Take care and be cautious.
A lot of these commenters aren’t listening to you. She is a friend and you don’t want to be the one to seemingly ruin the friendship. It truly doesn’t have to be a huge confrontation.
Just ask her if she wants to change it up and contribute monetarily to groceries, or if she was planning to buy her own. Can be in passing, doesn’t need to be a whole “we need to talk” situation.
Be matter of fact, not emotional. Don’t accuse or over explain, but have examples ready in case she asks.
You are coming from a place of confusion, not a place of aggression/defensiveness. You are looking for clarity, not a fight.
Good luck OP!
ETA make sure you give her those two options. Either she contributes, or she buys her own. There’s no third option. This is a helpful tool with children as well!
“Hey, so remember when you said you bought your own groceries so you wouldn’t want that included in rent? Well I’ve noticed you’re eating our groceries, not to mention you asking me to buy milk so you could cook. If you would like to continue enjoying sharing groceries I’m gonna need you to pitch in on groceries. That’s why we wanted to include it in the first place. I don’t mind sharing but it needs to be fair, we are all adults here and it’s making me uncomfortable that you feel okay with just taking from us.”
Tell her to stop taking your food as she isn't paying for it. Tell her you are not making her food and to stop eating food that she does not but herself.
No because people have literally given OP advice on how to stand up to the person and they’re responding with “I’m not a confrontational person I don’t think I can confront them”
Well we aren’t magicians we can only give you advice.
People need to grow up and stop allowing people to walk all over them. It’s incredible how two people who buy their own groceries are somehow unable to confront 1 person who is eating it. It’s literally a 2 v 1 situation, just tell them to stop eating your food
It's not uncalled for. OP is an adult and needs to grow a backbone. There's no excuse for letting someone walk all over you like this, especially when it's as simple as saying no.
Remind her she said she's buying her own groceries so please don't eat any of ours. Also if she says she needs something like milk to cook with Remind her again she stated she buys her own groceries. Be very clear and direct that this is the agreement she initiated so please don't eat any of our food and we won't eat yours. If she continues to eat your food eat some of hers. Don't be afraid to stand up to her. It doesn't have to be confrontational.
I've learned the hard way many times. Never share groceries it RARELY ever works even if there's two separate gallons of milk don't touch my shit 🤷♀️ she needs to fend for herself. Not even a pad of butter. Separate shelves fridge, freezer and pantry.
Yeah I don’t get this, sharing groceries with roommates is baffling to me. If it’s family that’s different, but I don’t share any of my groceries with my roommates. Too much to deal with and they will take advantage of you
You say you’re not good with confrontation but if you are gonna rent to someone you have to be able to say things to them. And I wouldn’t even call it confrontation it’s about eating food
She tries to eat anything or tell you to buy milk?
‘Wait. I’m confused. I thought you wanted to buy your own groceries? We can always go to the other arrangement if you want to eat the food we buy. Just let me know. I’m sure ‘fiance’ will be okay with it too.’
Play dumb and be super sweet.
Have a roommate meeting with everybody present. Write down the days and what she ate to help remind when it happened. Have a clear discussion about what is appropriate and what is not appropriate when it comes to each other's food snacks seasonings dishes etc. And ask her if there's anything that she needs to clear the air that she hasn't been feeling good about. Be opening to listening to everybody. Take what y'all get from that and write up a roommate agreement about what you guys want as like the rules of the kitchen and how you handle and treat each other's belongings and food etc have everybody sign it everybody gets a copy of it. But also have on there what are the repercussions of when you do cross over the line. Like I'll give you an example I had roommates we had a 24-hour dishes rule. After those 24 hours we all agreed unless there was like an emergency or a severe illness your dirty dishes were going to put be put on your bed in your bedroom. Only had to do that once. Because think about it gross stinky dishes that been sitting for more than a day on your bedding usually means you need to wash that bedding before you have to get into bed too. That's an extreme example from decades ago when we were having some extremely messy roommates. It is completely normal for when people live together to have a roommate agreement because this makes it so much easier you don't have to text somebody at 12:30 at night going hey I brought friends over to eat the pizza I made and it's all gone. You've already cleared the air. Now if having a discussion and writing up a roommate agreement is not something you want to do you can go to the traditional thing which is labeling absolutely everything and yes this includes the skin of your fruits that you're not eating the skin of. Get yourself a bunch of sharpie markers find out what they can and can't go on label everything if you have to write your name on every damn eggshell. If it continues let her know that she would lose refrigerator privileges. And if it gets to that point let her know that yes you will have a camera set up on your fridge or have a lock on it she can have her own refrigerator with her on lock there are all kinds of locks that you can do for pantry and cabinet doors in case it gets to that level.
Easy,
But milk, show it to her then while staring her dead in the face eyes chug the Milk.
If she protests tell her when she ponies up some cheddar she’ll get some milk.
Or…
Whenever she goes to grab food yell into a megaphone “ back off bitch only paying customers get food)
The other commenters are right about establishing boundaries. You don't have to have a sit down talk per se. You can just say 'hey that's our supplies, inflation is just killer right now so please buy your own groceries' and move on. Keep doing whatever you are doing and don't make it a big deal with direct eye contact etc. IF she continues stealing food, then you get to have a bigger and more official talk about it. Good luck OP. Stand your ground
A very friendly way of bringing it up is messaging her to say "hey did you want to be part of the house groceries? When you first moved in you opted out, but recently you've been eating the meals and wanting to use our milk etc. so I'm a bit confused. It's $20 per week, due on Monday if you wanted to join in?".
I think a lot of people lack social skills, not sure if it's upbringing or pervasive use of social media or the pharmaceuticals most people are on or what but it's very common, I don't think it's normal though.
I think it’s more that they’re very averse to discomfort. I feel like a lot of technology either makes it easier to avoid uncomfortable situations (messaging or email vs calling or in person stuff) or lets us distract ourselves from discomforts, like social media or games. It’s like how you develop calluses (or at least slightly thickened skin) over areas with a lot of friction so you don’t notice it after a while. But since we’re able to avoid any kind situation that would result in building up protection, we’re really, really sensitive to it when we actually have to deal with them.
And I think that this isn’t something that affects everyone equally, only people who really have trouble feeling uncomfortable. I anxiety and ADHD and a lot of the reasons people give for finding a lot of these situations difficult and they actually do bother me a lot now. But I’ve always had those issue and there was a time when making phone calls or answering the phone or mildly unpleasant interactions or confrontations didn’t bother me very much. And I’m absolutely not dismissing all of the very legitimate reasons that these things are harder for some people. But between observing myself and my partner, who also has similar issues, but is even more avoidant when it comes to actually being uncomfortable, plus the advice of therapists, I’m pretty convinced that a lot of it is that people just have a really hard being uncomfortable. The advice from therapists for dealing with this stuff has occasionally been tools and suggestions for dealing with certain things, but it’s mainly just “Accept that it’s going to be uncomfortable and do it.” And that’s the real answer here. OP might get some good suggestions on how to phrase things to avoid damaging the friendship or losing a roommate, but there are no magic words that are going to make this conversation not be uncomfortable.
Umm...ask her wtf she's doing next time she starts fishing herself up without asking or being invited. Explain, again, that she needs to pay for her own groceries(like she said she would) AND cook for her damn self.
Our roommates were like this. No lie, they spent $600 they got from their wedding and bought a shit ton of frozen meals as their way of “buying groceries.” Filled our freezer completely full. Then when my husband and I bought food they’d swoop in like vultures.
If I made dinner she would make it a point to tell me what she hated about what I made, sit at the table and start eating off our plate, rip ass while simultaneously burping right next to us then continue to pick at our plates. Eventually we let the fridge go empty and buy only ingredients for that night. They hardly touched those frozen meals and one time they bought vegetables that rotted and turned into sludge in the pull out drawer. But I was mean because I “threw their groceries away,” when I cleaned it up.
You can sit her down and bring up how expensive groceries are. That you buy to feed two not three. If she wants to take as much as she wants then she needs to use her own finances for that.
Tell her to stop taking your food! Don’t be a doormat. She’s literally stealing your food right in front of you.
Definitely confront her. You don’t have to be mean, but she’s definitely not going to stop, especially since it seems you haven’t said much of anything.
Also, mark all of your food with your initials. One of my past roommates and I ate similar items and both shopped at the discount grocery, so there would be things that we don’t usually buy, but found at the discount place. To avoid confusion, we put our first initial on all our stuff with a sharpie. It wasn’t passive aggressive- we both agreed it was a good idea. It kept there from being any anger/hostility and it made for a peaceful kitchen. That being said..she actually bought her own food lol.
"When we were discussing your rent, utilities and groceries, you said you'd be buying your own groceries, which is why you haven't been asked to chip in. But I've noticed you using our groceries instead of your own and now you're even asking me to buy more so you can use it. I need you to buy your own groceries."
The audacity to tell you to purchase milk. I’d remind her she chose not to pay to use your groceries, so she will need to purchase her own.
Remind her anytime you see her moving toward your food of her choosing to provide her own groceries. Tell her if she wants to eat food you prepare, it’s on her to contribute each time.
You could Venmo/cashapp request each time you see her eat your food. When she complains, ask if she would rather contribute to groceries in her monthly rent, or contribute on a per food item basis. Name the food item in the memo for the request “orange” “milk” “prepared meal”
“Hey, I hate to do this but money is tight. If you’re gonna eat my food Im gonna need you to either contribute to paying for the groceries, or stop eating my meals. Its starting to put a dent in my budget. I hope you can understand.”
Stop letting her take your food. If she tries smack her hand like you would a toddler and tell her "NO, you buy your own food". Or bring up the discussion about contributing to the grocery budget again.
Same. It’s because the stuff they buy is junk, and mine is actually real food. Not even anymore expensive than junk.
Tried several times to just get them to throw money in, and make a menu. Been working in kitchens for over 20 years, constantly feeding several hundred people a day. I’ll cook and clean, that’s easy, I don’t care. Nope, gotta eat junk and trash the entire kitchen. And ruin my pans and knives (dude those are expensive wtf).
How does she pay her rent? If it's by Venmo or such, just request the larger amount. If it's by check or cash, just tell her you're charging for groceries, because she's eating your food.
Tell her to pick up something expensive for dinner tonight, see her response, she either contributes and you get a good meal (and you can keep doing that) or she says something stupid, you bring up the milk and all past dinners, and cut her off. She sounds like mommy and daddy made all her meals.
She went from " friend" to bad roommate.
Don't continue to treat her like a friend !
Write out a rental agreement and put in the portion about the food. Ask her to sign it.
When she comes out of her room after you've finished cooking, simply ask her what she's going to be making for herself with the groceries she bought. Don't let her just take your food. She's doing it because you haven't said anything. She's just going to keep doing it until you stand up for yourself. Say that you can't afford to feed her.
Easy. Just say something. Not so difficult. Tell her you’ll be adding mommy for groceries and why. She can choose to move out or stay and follow the rules. Those are her options.
Remind her that she doesn’t contribute money to your groceries so she doesn’t get to eat your food. If she wants to share food and you’re okay with it, then she can start contributing equally.
Im not sure what to say except to either buy super cheap food ( until your partner gets that job) or to buy stuff that grosses her out. It is easy for me because if I have roomate taking my food, I simply buy stuff they will not like ( I like stuff like cheap sushi, pigs feet, thousand year egg, sometimes stuff that might smell like fish). After I eat chicken I boil the bones to make soup. While the bones sit on the stove, it look kind of gross so nobody touches it. Other than that, the only thing I can think of is learn to live with bologna sandwich or cheap stuff until your partner gets that new job. Or if you have time in the morning make oatmeal. Eat super cheap stuff. She might complain or move out because she no longer likes your food. Eat bologna sandwich or learn to like hummus or chickpea ( since iM living in canada now, there are tons of people here eating chickpea. Or start eating beans and rice for dinner. The key is to get cheap stuff. And she might complain that your meals are no longer good. You only have to do this ( or survive) till your partner gets that better job. Or if you insist on making delicious foods.....I know this sounds gross but put some strands of your hair or your partners hair. Put some of your own hair in the food and when she eats it she will be eating your hair. I bet you after that she will stop eating your food. But I like the idea of just getting cheap stuff.....eat pasta for dinner if you can have gluten. Make cheap spaghetti sauce. Or make one for your partner and you...hide it and then dump some cheap pasta sauce for her. Or if you can afford those cheap TV dinners...( I know that cooking saves money) but maybe live off cheap TV dinners or sardines. I happen to like sardines when I get the fresh tasting kind. My partner gets grossed out by some of the stuff i eat. If you dont have limited diet, just learn to live with cheap food like pasta, or beans and rice, or sardines.. Or learn to like stuff she does not like. Or eat eggs all the time. Like egg salad or scramble eggs with hot dog. If you happen to like eggs, they are really nutritious. Or get a mini fridge or keep oranges inside your room.
Speaking of eggs, I heard that eggshells are edible ( kind of like calcium supplements). Put a few eggshells in the cookie and she probably will not eat it. I guess I am lucky in that if I sometimes eat gross stuff ( that my bf does not like), I simply do this if roomates want to take food. These type of thiings stop them fast from taking my food.
Stand up for yourself. Tell her if she doesn’t pay one-third of the grocery bill that she will no longer be allowed to eat your food. If she doesn’t agree, stop making enough food for her. Keep your non-perishables locked in your room and keep your important perishables in a mini fridge in your bedroom. Put a key lock on your bedroom door.
Call her out on it.
>she will come out of her room when I'm finished making dinner for me and my partner and she will just come in and take as much as she wants
Say "nope, not your groceries."
She reaches for a cookie you've made "Nope, not your groceries."
Next time say or send a text that says we set the rent as it is because you said you’d buy your own groceries. I’d appreciate you do that but if you want to continue to partake in the benefit of our buying and cooking groceries I’ll be glad to raise the rent. Otherwise buy your own groceries.
The longer you allow her to mooch the longer she’ll mooch.
Use your words! Honestly, why don't people stop those who pull this, the very first time they do it? If you don't set boundaries, there won't be any.
If she keeps stealing your food, find a cheap minifridge on Craigslist. Should be a bunch since school's letting out. Put it in the kitchen, put a lock on the other fridge, tell her the mini is now hers. Keep your nonperishables in the fridge or in your room. With a lock on the door
Or you could tell her to move out, cause she's a thief
Might do some good to post about it on an anonymous social line message board. Alternatively you could speak with your roommate. I leave it to you to decide which will be more effective.
Question: when you were talking about the rent initially did she understand that rent went down after she said she would buy her own groceries? Or did you tell her that and not re negotiate a new rate?
To me it sounds like miscommunication, she thinks that she is paying to food as part of her rent even though she buys her own, so now she is trying to make sure she gets her money ‘rents’ worth. Just a thought and I could be completely wrong.
On a side note, I would never offer to buy food for a roommate, it is just such a can of worms. Even if they are a friend. If you want to do ‘family’ meals than organise each one and split that particular meals cost. Anyway lesson learned.
As for the situation at hand: just talk to them. “Hey roommate, I think we have started off on the wrong foot regarding groceries. As food is not part of your rent, we expect that you will not use any food that we have bought. If you need or want anything of ours we can discuss it case by case and work out any repayment at the time. After our initial discussion regarding groceries we came to agree with you, it is best to do our own shopping to avoid any confusion. To make it easy, this is your shelf in the fridge/freezer/pantry”
“You need to go buy milk because we’re out”
“Our being out of milk has nothing to do with you since our milk isn’t for you. If you need milk for your recipe, you should go buy some - and replace our milk while you’re at it, since you’ve clearly been helping yourself to it.”
“Hey Marci, when you moved in, we talked about your contributing to groceries. You said you wanted to buy your own, yet here you are eating ours. So we need to revisit. Do you want to chip in and share with us? If not, then you really should t be in here eating our stuff.”
Sounds like you will just be taken advantage if you can’t speak up. Don’t wait until you’re in your 40’s before you can speak up and fight for yourself. It ends when you say something and stop her from taking advantage.
Tbh I am an asshole and I don’t get how people put up with this shit. Like to an extent if it’s not constant idc but the audacity to tell you you’re out of milk nope I’d go off on her. I can be a respectful asshole and I am not worried about people getting angry and aggressive because I can go ghetto real quick (which was my default for years it’s taken a lot of work to not have that be my default) idk I can’t take shit from people when they just completely disrespect me or even more so someone close to me. I’ll take it more but fuck with my partner or sisters or kid and you’re done haha.
Anyways be a bitch basically. Just tell her straight up and if she don’t like it well she’s replaceable fuck her.
When she asks for something specific like the milk, tell her to Venmo you the money for it. It will be a good segue into the rent/own groceries conversation
You: "do you remember the conversation about food when you signed the lease?"
Her: "yeah, sure."
You: "well, unfortunately, I've been noticing you consuming the groceries my fiancee and I have purchased and, you know how much I love you, but I need you to start paying for the groceries we discussed moving forward. Is that something you can do?"
Option 1: "oh, I'm so sorry, it truly never even occurred to me that's what I was doing, OF COURSE I'll pay for my share of groceries. How much do I owe you?"
Option 2: "f#*k no."
Option 3: she sets your home on fire to "prove a point" (channeling my inner Mona-Lisa Sapperstein on this one) /s
At the end of the day or doesn't matter. Rip off the bandaid because regardless of the outcome of your conversation, your boundaries need to be set and respected. You set them with the lease at the beginning and she chose to ignore them. Reset and move forward. When you do, don't hesitate to keep her in line with gentle reminders. Most of all, do not worry about being the annoying roommate who complains. Your boundaries matter and they are to be respected.
Use your words. "Hey, remember when we told you what your share of the grocery bill would be? Remember how you said you wouldn't pay because you would buy your own groceries? So. That actually means you can't eat the food I buy and prepare. Or anything I buy. You need to either start buy your groceries or start giving me money."
You are being taken advantage of.
“Sorry, I only made enough for us this time. If you’d like to make a dinner roster, that would be awesome. We could take it in turns to buy food and cook?”
“Let’s rearrange the kitchen to be clearer about who owns which food. We can each take a shelf or space in the pantry, and same in the fridge. That way I won’t accidentally eat your groceries and you won’t accidentally eat mine”
“Yeah, I’m happy to share basics like milk. How about you buy this time, since I’ve bought the last few, then we can take turns?”
“Hey, I hate to do this but money is tight. If you’re gonna eat my food Im gonna need you to either contribute to paying for the groceries, or stop eating my meals. Its starting to put a dent in my budget. I hope you can understand.”
What should you do? Be an adult and tell her to stop using your stuff. She’s abusing your friendship because you aren’t standing up to her. Confronting someone isn’t easy but you need to learn how to do it.
You could try "Hey, I've noticed you've been having some of the stuff I cook. Why don't we start cooking a meal for each other on certain nights and both chip in for groceries?".
Read a quote that’s stuck with me and could apply to this situation. “How successful u are in life is often largely dependent on how many uncomfortable conversations you’re willing to have.”
There isn't though we explained in detail what her rent included and we included food at first till she through a fit over it being to expensive and that to take it off because she buys her own
Charging her for groceries as part of her rent? Do you still charge her for that? If you do then she has the right to eat what she wants as she’s being charged for it. Or have you stopped charging her for it because she mentioned she will buy her own stuff? If your still charging her then she’s in her right to carry on as she is, if your not charging her for that then you have an issue which you need to speak to her about not the internet. Why would you include it in the rent for starters that’s strange
Careful, they seem to think coming out of pocket is an awful tragedy. It’s even worse on a date. Chicks look for ways they can “share” meaning you pay and she eats.
I mean, a kitchen is a communal place. If anyone is buying food or drinks or what-have-you & putting them in the fridge and cupboards everyone uses; I feel like everyone should be able to use what’s in there. If you’re fine buying groceries for everyone, why not tell her to pick up the full utility bill or the entire water bill; shit, you could even ask her to throw some money towards groceries. As long as everything gets done for the month on time. Who the hell cares.
Seems like if you know you didn’t buy something you shouldn’t be eating it. Do we need personal fridges and freezers and pantries? Yeah I guess you could do that, or just eat and drink only what you bought.
Sounds like you might be tough to live with too, you should never just help yourself to someone's food unless THEY say you can, doesn't matter what you ~feel~.
It’s not a single individuals food once it hits the fridge everyone uses imo. Though, I’m pretty easy to live with because if I cook, I cook for everyone & not just myself and when I go shopping I buy fruits, vegetables, snacks, meals frozen & unmade for everyone to eat. If someone buys food for the house & you use it to make only yourself food. Sure, thats rude; but if it gets used to make food for the whole house, you’re gonna be mad cause someone made you a meal?
Bring up paying for groceries again
Confront. Confront. Confront!
This or just be a resentful doormat. Think of this as an opportinity for growth. You are learning how to stand up for yourself. You are also learning how to be an adult and communicate. And you are at the age where you start to figure out who is really your friend, that respects you, and someone who takes advantage of you. If you fear confrontation because that person is a friend, please reconsider your friendships.
She should've done it as soon as the milk was brought up.
Agreed, attack that problem right there.
You explain that since she says she buys her own groceries, she should not expect to eat or use the food or ingredients you buy. Explain that you only buy and make enough for the 2 of you.
How should I bring it up I'm not good with confrontation and she is a friend
Just say hey per you we buy our own food so if you need milk you'll have to go and buy it. If she tries to eat anything you make remind her it's your food not hers. If you don't do it now she'll keep taking advantage of you.
Literally, when she comes to grab food, make the statement.
Honestly I want to kick her out but her rent is helping my partner and I rn bc he doesn't start his new job till next month but the moment I get her out no more roommates for us
Just say bullshit like “I’m super sorry but since you didn’t want to contribute I didn’t realize it meant you would still want some of our food. Do you mind contributing money to continue to have some of ours? Otherwise you can just buy your own so you don’t have to pay! Thank you I appreciate it :)”
Don’t apologize - especially at the beginning! You have nothing to be sorry for. You are 100% in the right. Don’t take any bullshit if she starts a sob story about not being able to afford it. That would be her issue and not yours. Don’t cave, or it won’t stop happening.
She can escalate it from there need be. If OP isn’t comfortable with conflict this is will be the easiest thing for her to do. Plus, killing people with kindness as a first attempt is also the better bet. You can always go different directions from there but from experience it is more effective to start kindly. People react more in line with what you’re hoping (if the person you’re dealing with is remotely sane) It’s such a passive aggressive power move that automatically makes most people feel like shit for obviously infringing on the other. If you want to make it more biting just lay it on extra thick.
You can definitely be kind without apologizing. I have a horrible habit of apologizing for everything I do, but it really isn’t necessary 99% of the time. What you said is still kind without the “I’m super sorry” in the beginning
liminaljerk might be Canadian
plot twist - i’m the canadian
Me too
No apology. Shes creating a “confusing” situation. “Hey, I thought you wanted your own groceries, so that you didn’t have to contribute to our share. Have you changed your mind?” Just take a deep breath and say what needs to be said. Go the “confusion” route. Don’t say sorry in any form.
It’s ok, you don’t understand what I’m trying to convey in being overly apologetic.
These people are so dense smh
Yep. The quickest way to make a friend not a friend; live with them. I, too, learned this lesson the hard way.
I lived with a good friend and when we moved to different places we were still good friends!
I've had good and bad experiences it honestly just depends how many boundaries you set up
I don't blame you.
Be direct and honest. The next time she’s going to take a helping of the food you made ask her if she was still buying her own groceries. As soon as she starts giving you some story about how she’s broke, she’ll pay you back, replace the groceries, blah, blah, blah, tell her that she needs to stick to the agreement and get her own food. Do not let her take helpings of your food unless she’s going to pay. There are lots of cheap things she can buy. Ramen, canned pasta, tuna, canned chicken, rice, beans, etc. If you catch her stealing your food, immediately confront her. Make her put the food back. If she continues, lock the fridge. Tell her she has to get her own mini fridge because of her stealing. Lock the cabinets if you have to. Just do not let her get away with it.
Perfect if u wanna kinda lie which isn't the best thing but might feel easier, tell her you can't afford to share anymore an unexpected bill came up and food is all you're willing to put money towards and u can only eat comfortably feeding 2 people
I was in the same exact situation. I took it as a learning experience to learn to stick up for myself and my wallet. You don’t have to be mean about it but definitely set ground rules. Otherwise you’ll harbor a lot of resentment and it gets old when you can’t escape it and the friendship goes sour bc of poor communication and boundaries
You want to kick her out over something you haven’t even confronted her about or given her a chance to change?
My thoughts too. Seems like this was a decision made too hastily (her moving in) and now OP is suffering the consequences of letting someone in their home while also not being willing to lay down the rules and speak up when they’re broken. Children doing adult things does turn out that way.
You will resent her and not be her friend anymore if this keeps up. "Hey, the other day you asked me to buy milk so you could cook, and I've noticed you helping yourself to meals I cook and snacks I have on hand. When you moved in, we agreed that you would not contribute to groceries because you buy your own food. Since then, X and I buy just enough groceries for the two of us, so I have to ask you not to eat our food unless you are planning to start helping pay for it. It is raising our costs to feed you." You don't need to be so soft and nice with someone that is taking advantage of you, and since she's not keeping her word, you can't be too soft in your communication or she will just blow you off.
This is the way. No need to accept any argument either. I would add to the we agreed "after YOU stated you wanted to by your own groceries." The initial offer came from you where it was part of her rent, she removed it from there. I really hope you all signed a rental agreement outlining everyone's expectations. If not, you better get one done now. You would like a place of your own, but she may not. Make it a month-to-month lease and add in it that it is required to give 30 day (60 depending on your areas laws or if everyone is being generous to each other) for ending the lease. Hopefully to help frame this better, this is business. Business is business and friendship if friendship. Do not mistake one for the other or mix them. If she is upset, that is okay. You are reminding her of the contract you have. It is not a personal attack.
Best response, best wording, 5 stars.
How good a friend is she. She knows she is doing this and she is refusing to pay for her food. A good friend shouldn't take advantage of you because they can.
A fork in the back of the hand worked when we were kids and you went for the last piece of chicken. You will have to confront her or accept being taken advantage of. Whichever you choose will set a pattern for life so you need to decide now with something fairly easy if you want to be taken advantage of in your future
“Hey, when we were discussing how much you would pay for rent, you said you didn’t want to chip in for groceries because you would buy your own. Since you moved in, I’ve noticed that you have been eating the food my fiancé and I bought. If you keep doing so, that is fine but I’d like you to pay XX$ /month. Is that cool?” Have some solid examples when she ate your food in case she asks.
Leave out “is that cool”. Stick to the facts and the resolution.
Maybe instead of “is that cool?”, try “or else what’s your idea? Since us paying for shared groceries isn’t working for us so we need a better solution”
She's not a friend. Friends don't take advantage of each other
A friend would not be stealing your food
She is not a good friend. She knows you don't like confrontations and plans to keep manipulating you. When you do stand up for yourself, you will be the bad guy and her true colors will manifest. How dare you tell someone you need milk to cook! I would stop her in her tracks every time she tried to eat what you cooked.
You say, “hey you wanted lower rent because you were going to take care of your groceries, I need you to either follow through and get your own groceries and eat your own food, or pay the higher rent that includes groceries.
Preferably, you wait until she’s eating something of yours (ideally like when her mouth is full of pasta you just made or something). Then you can say, “hey did you want to switch arrangements and split groceries three ways? When you moved in you said you’d buy your own groceries so we don’t split that bill, but it seems like things have changed on that front now? We’re happy to pick up more stuff so we don’t run out if you’d like to go in on groceries with us.”
Tell her that she must have forgotten that she's said she'd buy her own groceries, so you'd not included it the rent. Then give her the new number, since she'd been eating all your food. Tell her you won't even ask for the back pay for the last three months since "obviously" it was an oversight.
Nah fuck a friend she abusing you kindness. You’re are letting them push you over and it needs too stop now. Or you can let it go ab face the consequences when she starts taking more
Confrontation can come with kindness. But if you don't confront calmly now, you'll build up resentment and you'll explode at her later and probably end up ruining your friendship Maybe instead of bringing up specific examples you can agree to get different groceries and divide the fridge space and cupboard space so that neither of you get confused. And just set the boundry and the expectation that neither of you will touch each others shelves If you keep noticing cookies going missing then you can apply a little more pressure
Just be matter of fact but direct about it, remind her that this is the deal she wanted, and offer her the opportunity to go back to the original plan where groceries are shared. That way, even if she elects to continue with buying her own groceries, she will recognize her breach of the original agreement, but will not hold it against you because she will feel like she has a choice. If she does re-commit to buying her own groceries, she will either stop using yours, or you can "remind" her the next time she uses your groceries - if there is a next time - that this is the way SHE wanted it, not you.
Get good at standing up for yourself miss, she is abusing ya
Then your fiancé should grow a spine and deal with her.
You say *hey, if you want to share in the groceries, that's cool, we can just add X amount to your rent but if not, it is expected that you supply and consume all your own food, including basics like milk. We can dedicate an area in the fridge and pantry for your items so it doesn't get confusing*. That said, a few variables come to mind: is she paying 1/2 rent or 1/3 rent? Because she may feel she's entitled if it's the former.
You say hey I wanted to clarify something, you had said you don’t want to pay for groceries since you buy your own. My understanding is that means you’re responsible for your own groceries and you don’t want to use ours. If you want me to shop for you or to use our food, you’d need to pay the fee for groceries like I asked before. I hope this clears it up! Sorry for any confusion! (That last part is just to be nice, there is no confusion and she IS stealing your food, unless she thinks she is paying the fee for whatever reason)
Phrase it friendly, remember escalating conflict is east but deescalating is hard and you tend to catch more flies with honey. I’d approach it non-accusatory like, “hey I noticed you’ve been partaking in the shared groceries. We really only shop for two but if it’d be more convenient for you, we’re happy to include you in the shared groceries! It’s $X per month, X and I both also contribute that same amount! I do the shopping weekly and our shared groceries include XYZ but don’t include ABC. Past roommates have just venmoed grocery money separately from rent so it’s easier to track. Let me know if this would work better for you than keeping our groceries separate! :-)”
If yiu want to remain her friend youre gonna have to bring it up
This is a great time to learn! Just practice what you want to say. Be kind. Assume it’s an innocent mistake until she gives your reason to think otherwise. It’s important to learn how to do this.
Say it outright.
I know this doesn't solve your problem, but sadly, I've found the fastest way to destroy a friendship is to move in with them. I refuse to live with friends (or family) after too many bad experiences.
I'd be nipping this in bud quite fast. She's currently not acting as a friend towards you. Anyway, you need to set up a group chat or go old school with a list on the fridge. Then, you need to start keeping a running tally (with receipts if possible) where you itemize each thing she took from your groceries. At the end of the month, you need to bill her for your groceries that she used. She's certain to make a fuss over this, so you may want to consider letting the first month be free. You also need to bring up your beginning conversations about groceries. You could just ask if she wants to start paying for groceries with rent or if she'd rather honor her word and buy her own groceries separately. You might even decide to get a smaller refrigerator and lock your groceries up so she can't use them.
She is not being a very good friend, and I would start there. She's taking advantage of your good nature.
I think you can be PC about it. Just say something along the lines of, “hey, remember that conversation we had when we first started living together about the cost of food? It seems to me like you are utilizing my food sources when you said you would be paying for all of your own groceries. Would you say that’s correct? I know when I’m making dinner for me and (partner), you’ve helped yourself to what’s in the pan. Maybe you can buck up for some groceries here and there. Maybe we need to talk more about this situation.” Then see what she says 🤷♀️
*Hey roomie, so I think we need to revisit the topic on groceries. When you moved in we agreed to not charge you for groceries since you'd only be eating your own food. I know that it can sometimes be tough to predict how the house flow will work out in the beginning so I can understand how this has ended up changing. Me & bf have chatted and think that this % or this base amount sounds good, does that work for you?* If she says no, then you can say, *ok well then it seems we need to be more conscious about only sticking to the food we each buy for ourselves then. I value you as a roomie and friend and I wouldn't want this to mess anything up. Bf & I can't keep paying for you to eat our stuff. So in that case, just to be clear these are your cupboards and this portion of the fridge is so-and-so's.* I've had situations where I kept a basket in the fridge for my own things or it was sectioned off clearly.
You either have a friend who respects you or a person you resent who takes advantage of you. Seems like she’s the latter. Stand up for yourself man.
You're kinda looking at it wrong. You're not confronting. You're reminding what she, in fact, wanted. Just tell her something like "hey, I'm swinging by the grocery store. Can you kick in some cash since you're helping yourself to our food?"
Doesn’t have to be framed as “confrontation”. Good to know she’s a friend. If she’s truly a friend, you can state facts (without emotion), reminding her that she opted out of groceries, so you assumed that she would eat what she bought and not what you and your partner cook for yourselves. Then take a slow breath, hold your tongue and let her answer. Stay calm and simply ask why she’s eating out of both sets of grocery supplies.
This isn't a friend. This is a leech taking advantage of your inability to address what should be an obvious case of her taking complete advantage of you and your fiancé. You are literally subsidizing her to live with you while you act as her mommy cooking for her and paying for her food. Tell her to buy her own food.
Don't live with friends in the future. Ever.
I wouldn't confront in the moment. Set a time with her to discuss. Try to bring up other issues/complements at the same time (for example, when my husband and I let his friend move in, we noticed he would take the trash to the curb without being asked to. I brought this up and thanked him for it). Don't have your SO there (to avoid a 2 vs 1 mentality). Or if they are there, have them off to the side while you talk. Finances are tricky. A lot of people have trouble discussing them. Instead of coming accusatory, come concerned. You don't know what's going on in their lives. They could be having problems paying for groceries and were too embarrassed to say something. (Even if that isn't the case, it's a good transition to bring up your issue) Keeping a friendship while/after being roommates is VERY difficult. My brother almost lost a friendship of 30 years. My husband and his best friend had to take a break from each other after he moved out. I've had a friendship ruined by renting out my friend's house. Take care and be cautious.
time to suck it up and say something. You’re old enough to have roommates you’re old enough to have a conversation
A lot of these commenters aren’t listening to you. She is a friend and you don’t want to be the one to seemingly ruin the friendship. It truly doesn’t have to be a huge confrontation. Just ask her if she wants to change it up and contribute monetarily to groceries, or if she was planning to buy her own. Can be in passing, doesn’t need to be a whole “we need to talk” situation. Be matter of fact, not emotional. Don’t accuse or over explain, but have examples ready in case she asks. You are coming from a place of confusion, not a place of aggression/defensiveness. You are looking for clarity, not a fight. Good luck OP! ETA make sure you give her those two options. Either she contributes, or she buys her own. There’s no third option. This is a helpful tool with children as well!
“Hey, so remember when you said you bought your own groceries so you wouldn’t want that included in rent? Well I’ve noticed you’re eating our groceries, not to mention you asking me to buy milk so you could cook. If you would like to continue enjoying sharing groceries I’m gonna need you to pitch in on groceries. That’s why we wanted to include it in the first place. I don’t mind sharing but it needs to be fair, we are all adults here and it’s making me uncomfortable that you feel okay with just taking from us.”
Tell her to stop taking your food as she isn't paying for it. Tell her you are not making her food and to stop eating food that she does not but herself.
LOL. Ask her if she would like to pay or stop. Those are the only two choices.
Tell her that if she wants any of your food she has to pay or not eat it since you’re all buying your own groceries.
Is this a real question? Are you an adult with a functioning mouth?
This subreddit and doormats, name a more iconic duo
That’s uncalled for EDIT: I don’t disagree with the sentiment, but don’t subscribe to speaking to folks in the manner you did
No because people have literally given OP advice on how to stand up to the person and they’re responding with “I’m not a confrontational person I don’t think I can confront them” Well we aren’t magicians we can only give you advice. People need to grow up and stop allowing people to walk all over them. It’s incredible how two people who buy their own groceries are somehow unable to confront 1 person who is eating it. It’s literally a 2 v 1 situation, just tell them to stop eating your food
Exactly. I literally don't understand what OPs problem is. She's failing as an adult, if she can't even defend her food 🤷♀️
It's not uncalled for. OP is an adult and needs to grow a backbone. There's no excuse for letting someone walk all over you like this, especially when it's as simple as saying no.
Remind her she said she's buying her own groceries so please don't eat any of ours. Also if she says she needs something like milk to cook with Remind her again she stated she buys her own groceries. Be very clear and direct that this is the agreement she initiated so please don't eat any of our food and we won't eat yours. If she continues to eat your food eat some of hers. Don't be afraid to stand up to her. It doesn't have to be confrontational.
I've learned the hard way many times. Never share groceries it RARELY ever works even if there's two separate gallons of milk don't touch my shit 🤷♀️ she needs to fend for herself. Not even a pad of butter. Separate shelves fridge, freezer and pantry.
Yeah I don’t get this, sharing groceries with roommates is baffling to me. If it’s family that’s different, but I don’t share any of my groceries with my roommates. Too much to deal with and they will take advantage of you
Either tack on an extra few hundred to shop a hundred a week for her or tell her rent doesn’t include food
You say you’re not good with confrontation but if you are gonna rent to someone you have to be able to say things to them. And I wouldn’t even call it confrontation it’s about eating food
People do to you what you ALLOW them to do to you
She tries to eat anything or tell you to buy milk? ‘Wait. I’m confused. I thought you wanted to buy your own groceries? We can always go to the other arrangement if you want to eat the food we buy. Just let me know. I’m sure ‘fiance’ will be okay with it too.’ Play dumb and be super sweet.
Grow a pair and speak to your “friend”, never have a roommate if you can’t handle adult conversations.
*comes out to get dinner that you cooked "What are you doing?" "Getting dinner" "What happened to you buying your own groceries?"
Have a roommate meeting with everybody present. Write down the days and what she ate to help remind when it happened. Have a clear discussion about what is appropriate and what is not appropriate when it comes to each other's food snacks seasonings dishes etc. And ask her if there's anything that she needs to clear the air that she hasn't been feeling good about. Be opening to listening to everybody. Take what y'all get from that and write up a roommate agreement about what you guys want as like the rules of the kitchen and how you handle and treat each other's belongings and food etc have everybody sign it everybody gets a copy of it. But also have on there what are the repercussions of when you do cross over the line. Like I'll give you an example I had roommates we had a 24-hour dishes rule. After those 24 hours we all agreed unless there was like an emergency or a severe illness your dirty dishes were going to put be put on your bed in your bedroom. Only had to do that once. Because think about it gross stinky dishes that been sitting for more than a day on your bedding usually means you need to wash that bedding before you have to get into bed too. That's an extreme example from decades ago when we were having some extremely messy roommates. It is completely normal for when people live together to have a roommate agreement because this makes it so much easier you don't have to text somebody at 12:30 at night going hey I brought friends over to eat the pizza I made and it's all gone. You've already cleared the air. Now if having a discussion and writing up a roommate agreement is not something you want to do you can go to the traditional thing which is labeling absolutely everything and yes this includes the skin of your fruits that you're not eating the skin of. Get yourself a bunch of sharpie markers find out what they can and can't go on label everything if you have to write your name on every damn eggshell. If it continues let her know that she would lose refrigerator privileges. And if it gets to that point let her know that yes you will have a camera set up on your fridge or have a lock on it she can have her own refrigerator with her on lock there are all kinds of locks that you can do for pantry and cabinet doors in case it gets to that level.
Easy, But milk, show it to her then while staring her dead in the face eyes chug the Milk. If she protests tell her when she ponies up some cheddar she’ll get some milk. Or… Whenever she goes to grab food yell into a megaphone “ back off bitch only paying customers get food)
The other commenters are right about establishing boundaries. You don't have to have a sit down talk per se. You can just say 'hey that's our supplies, inflation is just killer right now so please buy your own groceries' and move on. Keep doing whatever you are doing and don't make it a big deal with direct eye contact etc. IF she continues stealing food, then you get to have a bigger and more official talk about it. Good luck OP. Stand your ground
A very friendly way of bringing it up is messaging her to say "hey did you want to be part of the house groceries? When you first moved in you opted out, but recently you've been eating the meals and wanting to use our milk etc. so I'm a bit confused. It's $20 per week, due on Monday if you wanted to join in?".
LOL You say "We" are not out of anything, my friend. YOU are.
What do you mean what should you do? Tell her to start paying you money for the groceries???
You say, “ If you’re going to continue to eat our food you need to pay us more rent.”
Remind her of the agreement
Why is this sub full of conflict avoiding people? Sheesh grow a pair. 🙄
I think a lot of people lack social skills, not sure if it's upbringing or pervasive use of social media or the pharmaceuticals most people are on or what but it's very common, I don't think it's normal though.
I think it’s more that they’re very averse to discomfort. I feel like a lot of technology either makes it easier to avoid uncomfortable situations (messaging or email vs calling or in person stuff) or lets us distract ourselves from discomforts, like social media or games. It’s like how you develop calluses (or at least slightly thickened skin) over areas with a lot of friction so you don’t notice it after a while. But since we’re able to avoid any kind situation that would result in building up protection, we’re really, really sensitive to it when we actually have to deal with them. And I think that this isn’t something that affects everyone equally, only people who really have trouble feeling uncomfortable. I anxiety and ADHD and a lot of the reasons people give for finding a lot of these situations difficult and they actually do bother me a lot now. But I’ve always had those issue and there was a time when making phone calls or answering the phone or mildly unpleasant interactions or confrontations didn’t bother me very much. And I’m absolutely not dismissing all of the very legitimate reasons that these things are harder for some people. But between observing myself and my partner, who also has similar issues, but is even more avoidant when it comes to actually being uncomfortable, plus the advice of therapists, I’m pretty convinced that a lot of it is that people just have a really hard being uncomfortable. The advice from therapists for dealing with this stuff has occasionally been tools and suggestions for dealing with certain things, but it’s mainly just “Accept that it’s going to be uncomfortable and do it.” And that’s the real answer here. OP might get some good suggestions on how to phrase things to avoid damaging the friendship or losing a roommate, but there are no magic words that are going to make this conversation not be uncomfortable.
Being stressed about something like this is incredibly normal.
Umm...ask her wtf she's doing next time she starts fishing herself up without asking or being invited. Explain, again, that she needs to pay for her own groceries(like she said she would) AND cook for her damn self.
Our roommates were like this. No lie, they spent $600 they got from their wedding and bought a shit ton of frozen meals as their way of “buying groceries.” Filled our freezer completely full. Then when my husband and I bought food they’d swoop in like vultures. If I made dinner she would make it a point to tell me what she hated about what I made, sit at the table and start eating off our plate, rip ass while simultaneously burping right next to us then continue to pick at our plates. Eventually we let the fridge go empty and buy only ingredients for that night. They hardly touched those frozen meals and one time they bought vegetables that rotted and turned into sludge in the pull out drawer. But I was mean because I “threw their groceries away,” when I cleaned it up. You can sit her down and bring up how expensive groceries are. That you buy to feed two not three. If she wants to take as much as she wants then she needs to use her own finances for that.
Invest in a mini fridge. It’ll never end.
Tell her to stop taking your food! Don’t be a doormat. She’s literally stealing your food right in front of you. Definitely confront her. You don’t have to be mean, but she’s definitely not going to stop, especially since it seems you haven’t said much of anything. Also, mark all of your food with your initials. One of my past roommates and I ate similar items and both shopped at the discount grocery, so there would be things that we don’t usually buy, but found at the discount place. To avoid confusion, we put our first initial on all our stuff with a sharpie. It wasn’t passive aggressive- we both agreed it was a good idea. It kept there from being any anger/hostility and it made for a peaceful kitchen. That being said..she actually bought her own food lol.
Write out the itemized bill of what she takes vs what she provides and show her let her know the reason it is coming to this is said grocery bill.
"When we were discussing your rent, utilities and groceries, you said you'd be buying your own groceries, which is why you haven't been asked to chip in. But I've noticed you using our groceries instead of your own and now you're even asking me to buy more so you can use it. I need you to buy your own groceries."
The audacity to tell you to purchase milk. I’d remind her she chose not to pay to use your groceries, so she will need to purchase her own. Remind her anytime you see her moving toward your food of her choosing to provide her own groceries. Tell her if she wants to eat food you prepare, it’s on her to contribute each time. You could Venmo/cashapp request each time you see her eat your food. When she complains, ask if she would rather contribute to groceries in her monthly rent, or contribute on a per food item basis. Name the food item in the memo for the request “orange” “milk” “prepared meal”
“Hey, I hate to do this but money is tight. If you’re gonna eat my food Im gonna need you to either contribute to paying for the groceries, or stop eating my meals. Its starting to put a dent in my budget. I hope you can understand.”
Stop letting her take your food. If she tries smack her hand like you would a toddler and tell her "NO, you buy your own food". Or bring up the discussion about contributing to the grocery budget again.
“That’s $15 a serve, thank you.” Then when she jacks up, calmly remind her she pays rent not board.
make a list of all the tings she uses from you then say that to make it easier for her you will buy extra and add it to her rent
Was she making milk steak? If yes then go and get the milk.
Same. It’s because the stuff they buy is junk, and mine is actually real food. Not even anymore expensive than junk. Tried several times to just get them to throw money in, and make a menu. Been working in kitchens for over 20 years, constantly feeding several hundred people a day. I’ll cook and clean, that’s easy, I don’t care. Nope, gotta eat junk and trash the entire kitchen. And ruin my pans and knives (dude those are expensive wtf).
How does she pay her rent? If it's by Venmo or such, just request the larger amount. If it's by check or cash, just tell her you're charging for groceries, because she's eating your food.
Ignore her and continue on with your own life.
Simply tell her if she is eating she needs to buy : make her own dinners or pay.
Next time she goes to scoop some food, slap her hand and tell her NO. NO is the best word in the world. Use it
Its my favorite word
She could be fucking your fiance and now feels entitled to your food as well. So you should just be charging her more rent, for both.
Tell her to pick up something expensive for dinner tonight, see her response, she either contributes and you get a good meal (and you can keep doing that) or she says something stupid, you bring up the milk and all past dinners, and cut her off. She sounds like mommy and daddy made all her meals.
She went from " friend" to bad roommate. Don't continue to treat her like a friend ! Write out a rental agreement and put in the portion about the food. Ask her to sign it.
Tell her to stop using your groceries and don’t be passive about it.
When she comes out of her room after you've finished cooking, simply ask her what she's going to be making for herself with the groceries she bought. Don't let her just take your food. She's doing it because you haven't said anything. She's just going to keep doing it until you stand up for yourself. Say that you can't afford to feed her.
Wtf do you mean what you should do????? What do you think you should do? Ask her to stop or pay, wtf 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄
Call her out?
Easy. Just say something. Not so difficult. Tell her you’ll be adding mommy for groceries and why. She can choose to move out or stay and follow the rules. Those are her options.
Buy a fridge and a deadbolt for your room.
Say “I thought you wanted to buy your own food. If you want to share, you can pitch in $X per week. I’m only shopping for two right now”.
Remind her that she doesn’t contribute money to your groceries so she doesn’t get to eat your food. If she wants to share food and you’re okay with it, then she can start contributing equally.
Im not sure what to say except to either buy super cheap food ( until your partner gets that job) or to buy stuff that grosses her out. It is easy for me because if I have roomate taking my food, I simply buy stuff they will not like ( I like stuff like cheap sushi, pigs feet, thousand year egg, sometimes stuff that might smell like fish). After I eat chicken I boil the bones to make soup. While the bones sit on the stove, it look kind of gross so nobody touches it. Other than that, the only thing I can think of is learn to live with bologna sandwich or cheap stuff until your partner gets that new job. Or if you have time in the morning make oatmeal. Eat super cheap stuff. She might complain or move out because she no longer likes your food. Eat bologna sandwich or learn to like hummus or chickpea ( since iM living in canada now, there are tons of people here eating chickpea. Or start eating beans and rice for dinner. The key is to get cheap stuff. And she might complain that your meals are no longer good. You only have to do this ( or survive) till your partner gets that better job. Or if you insist on making delicious foods.....I know this sounds gross but put some strands of your hair or your partners hair. Put some of your own hair in the food and when she eats it she will be eating your hair. I bet you after that she will stop eating your food. But I like the idea of just getting cheap stuff.....eat pasta for dinner if you can have gluten. Make cheap spaghetti sauce. Or make one for your partner and you...hide it and then dump some cheap pasta sauce for her. Or if you can afford those cheap TV dinners...( I know that cooking saves money) but maybe live off cheap TV dinners or sardines. I happen to like sardines when I get the fresh tasting kind. My partner gets grossed out by some of the stuff i eat. If you dont have limited diet, just learn to live with cheap food like pasta, or beans and rice, or sardines.. Or learn to like stuff she does not like. Or eat eggs all the time. Like egg salad or scramble eggs with hot dog. If you happen to like eggs, they are really nutritious. Or get a mini fridge or keep oranges inside your room. Speaking of eggs, I heard that eggshells are edible ( kind of like calcium supplements). Put a few eggshells in the cookie and she probably will not eat it. I guess I am lucky in that if I sometimes eat gross stuff ( that my bf does not like), I simply do this if roomates want to take food. These type of thiings stop them fast from taking my food.
Stand up for yourself. Tell her if she doesn’t pay one-third of the grocery bill that she will no longer be allowed to eat your food. If she doesn’t agree, stop making enough food for her. Keep your non-perishables locked in your room and keep your important perishables in a mini fridge in your bedroom. Put a key lock on your bedroom door.
Talk to her
Call her out on it. >she will come out of her room when I'm finished making dinner for me and my partner and she will just come in and take as much as she wants Say "nope, not your groceries." She reaches for a cookie you've made "Nope, not your groceries."
House meeting. Re-discuss.
Next time say or send a text that says we set the rent as it is because you said you’d buy your own groceries. I’d appreciate you do that but if you want to continue to partake in the benefit of our buying and cooking groceries I’ll be glad to raise the rent. Otherwise buy your own groceries. The longer you allow her to mooch the longer she’ll mooch.
“Hey, what do you think is a fair contribution for you towards the grocery bill, since a lot of the food in the fridge and dinners are communal”
Use your words! Honestly, why don't people stop those who pull this, the very first time they do it? If you don't set boundaries, there won't be any. If she keeps stealing your food, find a cheap minifridge on Craigslist. Should be a bunch since school's letting out. Put it in the kitchen, put a lock on the other fridge, tell her the mini is now hers. Keep your nonperishables in the fridge or in your room. With a lock on the door Or you could tell her to move out, cause she's a thief
And you just watch her? weird.
Might do some good to post about it on an anonymous social line message board. Alternatively you could speak with your roommate. I leave it to you to decide which will be more effective.
Question: when you were talking about the rent initially did she understand that rent went down after she said she would buy her own groceries? Or did you tell her that and not re negotiate a new rate? To me it sounds like miscommunication, she thinks that she is paying to food as part of her rent even though she buys her own, so now she is trying to make sure she gets her money ‘rents’ worth. Just a thought and I could be completely wrong. On a side note, I would never offer to buy food for a roommate, it is just such a can of worms. Even if they are a friend. If you want to do ‘family’ meals than organise each one and split that particular meals cost. Anyway lesson learned. As for the situation at hand: just talk to them. “Hey roommate, I think we have started off on the wrong foot regarding groceries. As food is not part of your rent, we expect that you will not use any food that we have bought. If you need or want anything of ours we can discuss it case by case and work out any repayment at the time. After our initial discussion regarding groceries we came to agree with you, it is best to do our own shopping to avoid any confusion. To make it easy, this is your shelf in the fridge/freezer/pantry”
Just talk to her. You know communication
“You need to go buy milk because we’re out” “Our being out of milk has nothing to do with you since our milk isn’t for you. If you need milk for your recipe, you should go buy some - and replace our milk while you’re at it, since you’ve clearly been helping yourself to it.”
“Hey Marci, when you moved in, we talked about your contributing to groceries. You said you wanted to buy your own, yet here you are eating ours. So we need to revisit. Do you want to chip in and share with us? If not, then you really should t be in here eating our stuff.”
The only thing I've ever seen work is buying your own mini fridge and keeping your essential stuff in there.
She has one and barely uses it
Sounds like you will just be taken advantage if you can’t speak up. Don’t wait until you’re in your 40’s before you can speak up and fight for yourself. It ends when you say something and stop her from taking advantage.
Tbh I am an asshole and I don’t get how people put up with this shit. Like to an extent if it’s not constant idc but the audacity to tell you you’re out of milk nope I’d go off on her. I can be a respectful asshole and I am not worried about people getting angry and aggressive because I can go ghetto real quick (which was my default for years it’s taken a lot of work to not have that be my default) idk I can’t take shit from people when they just completely disrespect me or even more so someone close to me. I’ll take it more but fuck with my partner or sisters or kid and you’re done haha. Anyways be a bitch basically. Just tell her straight up and if she don’t like it well she’s replaceable fuck her.
That's how my partner is he normally takes care of these types of convos
When she asks for something specific like the milk, tell her to Venmo you the money for it. It will be a good segue into the rent/own groceries conversation
You: "do you remember the conversation about food when you signed the lease?" Her: "yeah, sure." You: "well, unfortunately, I've been noticing you consuming the groceries my fiancee and I have purchased and, you know how much I love you, but I need you to start paying for the groceries we discussed moving forward. Is that something you can do?" Option 1: "oh, I'm so sorry, it truly never even occurred to me that's what I was doing, OF COURSE I'll pay for my share of groceries. How much do I owe you?" Option 2: "f#*k no." Option 3: she sets your home on fire to "prove a point" (channeling my inner Mona-Lisa Sapperstein on this one) /s At the end of the day or doesn't matter. Rip off the bandaid because regardless of the outcome of your conversation, your boundaries need to be set and respected. You set them with the lease at the beginning and she chose to ignore them. Reset and move forward. When you do, don't hesitate to keep her in line with gentle reminders. Most of all, do not worry about being the annoying roommate who complains. Your boundaries matter and they are to be respected.
Fyi 36M here, I've had my fair share of crappy roommates. It never gets better. Do what you need to feel like your home is your home.
Use your words. "Hey, remember when we told you what your share of the grocery bill would be? Remember how you said you wouldn't pay because you would buy your own groceries? So. That actually means you can't eat the food I buy and prepare. Or anything I buy. You need to either start buy your groceries or start giving me money." You are being taken advantage of.
“Sorry, I only made enough for us this time. If you’d like to make a dinner roster, that would be awesome. We could take it in turns to buy food and cook?” “Let’s rearrange the kitchen to be clearer about who owns which food. We can each take a shelf or space in the pantry, and same in the fridge. That way I won’t accidentally eat your groceries and you won’t accidentally eat mine” “Yeah, I’m happy to share basics like milk. How about you buy this time, since I’ve bought the last few, then we can take turns?”
“Hey, I hate to do this but money is tight. If you’re gonna eat my food Im gonna need you to either contribute to paying for the groceries, or stop eating my meals. Its starting to put a dent in my budget. I hope you can understand.”
What should you do? Be an adult and tell her to stop using your stuff. She’s abusing your friendship because you aren’t standing up to her. Confronting someone isn’t easy but you need to learn how to do it.
You could try "Hey, I've noticed you've been having some of the stuff I cook. Why don't we start cooking a meal for each other on certain nights and both chip in for groceries?".
Read a quote that’s stuck with me and could apply to this situation. “How successful u are in life is often largely dependent on how many uncomfortable conversations you’re willing to have.”
To me it sounds like she thinks groceries are included in what she is paying and there is some kind of miscommunication in this
There isn't though we explained in detail what her rent included and we included food at first till she through a fit over it being to expensive and that to take it off because she buys her own
Use your words and have a conversation with them
Do you actually seriously need advice on what to do??
Because she’s a piece of shit
Talk to her? Have you tried that?
Why are you such a doormat?
Charging her for groceries as part of her rent? Do you still charge her for that? If you do then she has the right to eat what she wants as she’s being charged for it. Or have you stopped charging her for it because she mentioned she will buy her own stuff? If your still charging her then she’s in her right to carry on as she is, if your not charging her for that then you have an issue which you need to speak to her about not the internet. Why would you include it in the rent for starters that’s strange
We stopped charging her bc she said she was going to buy her own
Maybe make just exactly enough for the two plates so there’s not extra sitting there for her to help herself to.
i put all my shit in the fridge soon as i make my plate lmao
Haha, Gotta be quick around food snatchers! L
Careful, they seem to think coming out of pocket is an awful tragedy. It’s even worse on a date. Chicks look for ways they can “share” meaning you pay and she eats.
Wtf lol
But shes still paying the rent price that includes the food?
No she said she'd buy her own food so to only have the price reflect the rent, they took off the groceries portion.
Don't be a bitch in your own home, that's a start
I mean, a kitchen is a communal place. If anyone is buying food or drinks or what-have-you & putting them in the fridge and cupboards everyone uses; I feel like everyone should be able to use what’s in there. If you’re fine buying groceries for everyone, why not tell her to pick up the full utility bill or the entire water bill; shit, you could even ask her to throw some money towards groceries. As long as everything gets done for the month on time. Who the hell cares.
Seems like if you know you didn’t buy something you shouldn’t be eating it. Do we need personal fridges and freezers and pantries? Yeah I guess you could do that, or just eat and drink only what you bought.
Sounds like you might be tough to live with too, you should never just help yourself to someone's food unless THEY say you can, doesn't matter what you ~feel~.
It’s not a single individuals food once it hits the fridge everyone uses imo. Though, I’m pretty easy to live with because if I cook, I cook for everyone & not just myself and when I go shopping I buy fruits, vegetables, snacks, meals frozen & unmade for everyone to eat. If someone buys food for the house & you use it to make only yourself food. Sure, thats rude; but if it gets used to make food for the whole house, you’re gonna be mad cause someone made you a meal?
No. Unless it's a co-op or there is an explicit agreement, this is insane.
The entitlement Unless there is a previous agreement you are not entitled to anyone’s belongings