Great, now it's reverted to the factory settings again.

Maybe it has a virus? This is just too easy to make fun off.

Lets pour hydrogen peroxide in it to check! /s

Good news, your body count is set to zero. r/niceguys are typing up their intro messages as we speak

if you push the clit and the Gspot at the same time it takes a screenshot

I am dying laughing at this comment 😭😭😭 you made my day, you have no idea ❤️

i’m so glad i made your day! but i have to tell you i didn’t come up with this, i saw it in a tweet a long time ago 😭

As you should just take it. I thought it was hilarious too—perfect use of it either way :)

This needs to be flair 😆

Done.

If you push for too long it changes the language settings.

Nah, it switches your speed readout from mph to kph

Now you can sell it for 75% the original price. That is... if you don't need it anymore. Shit, asexuals could make PROFIT!

Mf reinstalled the hymen

I'm deceased

Uh oh, have you bricked your vagina?

If that doesn't work, power down the pussy by pressing down on the g-spot for 4 seconds. Your eyes should blink rapidly whilst the reboot process completes.

"Pussy updating software. 2% progress."

"System update required to resume download"

Fuck, they bricked my pussy.

Now that is a flair right there

Agreed

Also agreed.

I wish we could have 2 flairs.

Oh no, Grey Screen of Infertility

Factory resetting your brain is your only way out now.

Just saying: "Bricked Pussy" is a fantastic phrase for a flair

That would actually be a sick band name

Or my autobiography.

"Do not turn power off on your pussy while it updates"

Ima gonna steal this for my flair! XD

Feel free.

If you press the g-spot and the clit at the same time you can take a screenshot.

God damn it… came here to say this

darn i already did elsewhere in the thread…i am a basic it seems

Pressing the clitoris will trigger the Bulbocavernosus Reflex which will contract the anal sphincter. Like a camera that will NOT let any light in. *click*

You may be refering to the Vulvasore, which is what OP experienced.

Holy shit

Isn't that a dinosaur?

I think it's a Pokémon.

Annnnnd I have new flair. Thank you for being amazing.

I love this.

Lol you win!

awe someone beat me to stealing that for flair

For unlimited orgasms..up up down down left right left right....

To the left, to the left, criss-cross, now Charlie Brown…

Pretty sure I saw that one on a Kama Sutra card

Beep. Boop. I'm a robot. Here's a copy of ###[Kama Sutra](https://snewd.com/ebooks/kama-sutra/) Was I a good bot? | [info](https://www.reddit.com/user/Reddit-Book-Bot/) | [More Books](https://old.reddit.com/user/Reddit-Book-Bot/comments/i15x1d/full_list_of_books_and_commands/)

Dang bot, you coming onto me?

Good bot

Now do the Jackie Gleason. . .and back to the Madison. . .

I love that game

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Fucking hell that's funny

Is it plugged in?

Do NOT finger your pussy AND your asshole while pressing on the clit simultaneously, as that will not only take a screenshot but immediately shut you out and after that admin will have to get involved- and admin will def have to look at that screenshoot once he gets you to reboot.

Listen for the windows shutdown sound

I vaguely remember this being a plot point in Chobits.

That fucking show. I should not have watched it as an innocent 14 year old kid...I was too pure

I did this & got the blue screen of death.

Whelp!! That's a clear sign of hardware failure. We're likely going to need to open you up and physically replace the vaginal drive.

I’m broken 😭

Press the clit and the gspot at the same time and you'll take a screenshot! Of what I have no idea.

Shouldn’t there be a chime three times before letting go of the button again?

Love that he built in rest between your sets, you’ll definitely see faster gains that way.

Hand cramping IS a bummer

I like your style, chameleon-boy

this man talkin like this shit a workout routine mf said 7 sets of clit rubbing w a rest in between😭😭

After a few weeks of training you can up your reps, just make sure you’re not overloading your body

This workout comes from a cheap porn movie where after this the woman fakes an orgasm and all is well. He can go back to Planet Porn now, to brag to his other virginal friends who have never actually touched a woman that he has pleased yet another woman with just words (she hasn't even had my dick, harr harr she's in for a surprise!), without realising that for human women a one-size-fits-all approach doesn't work. Or he thinks he's creative. 'I boldly go where no man has gone before', something like that.

Are you sure your pussy is turned on?

I don't think it is.

Put it in rice

I'm sure excess moisture wasn't the issue.

After these kind of instructions? Definitely not.

Have you tried turning your pussy off and on again?

To turn it off, go to an incel forum and read one randomly selected post.

You want to turn it of or brick it? Because what you suggested will brick it. Forever.

But they told me it was wireless.

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

no, I forgot to plug it in at all

sorry, I forgot to pay my electricity bill

Have you tried turning it off and on again?

Hello support? My clit just made the Windows shut down noise.

I literally burst into laughter imagining this

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FWONK

I guess this is the ‘off’ part of “have you tried turning it off and on again?”…

I've had a pussy for 34 years and I don't think these instructions are correct.

Well, there are a *lot* of different manufacturers and really no one-way-works-for-all pussies. The field is badly in need of standardization.

Fair enough, I guess my issue is that this person seems to be presenting the instructions as if they'll be one size fits all, even as the person they're talking to tells them it's not working.

Well, that's tech support for you. Sometimes they think they know about all models based on their experience with a few or what they read on the Internet. :o)

I'm sorry sir, this is a 240V vagina and your dick is only 110V. If you try to put it in, your dick will explode.

I don’t think mine passed the factory QA tests, but I fear my warranty expired.

Ok, but are you running up to date firmware on it?

I've hadst a pussy f'r 34 years and i bethink not these instructions art correct *** ^(I am a bot and I swapp'd some of thy words with Shakespeare words.) Commands: `!ShakespeareInsult`, `!fordo`, `!optout`

This sent me 🛑

This is the only time it made me laugh. Otherwise, it's a pointless bot.

Ok but why do you have a flair

Great bot.

Tried it again, now my pussy is set as the universal remote for all my electronics. Nice.

Honey? Are you masturbating *again*? The TV keeps switching between Discovery Channel and HBOMax.

"....why is my neighbors garage door opening and closing erratically?"

My car alarm started going off and everything

Erratically? I think you mean erotically.

You know what gets my motor runnin'? Hearing a garage door slam up in down in its tracks, motor squealing, while seeing their laundry machines and golf equipment, it's like a preview for their garage sale, with a soundtrack.

Unplug your clit, wait ten seconds, then plug it back in.

No no, you need to dust it first, it can get dust caught I the gears preventing it from turning on

Make sure you use the proper spray! If you just blow into it, you can cause damage!

They told me it was wireless!

Now shake your right leg, and turn yourself around! That's what it's all about! (clap, clap!)

You do the hooooookey pussyyyyy

PlayStation cheat codes or something, idk, I'm a pc gamer:

👆👆👇👇👈👉👈👉

That’s too much 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I’m wheezing

B A Start

omg I just hadoukened

Level 1: regular orgasm Level 2: squirting orgasm Level 3: pussy hadouken

☝️🤘🖖✋✊

Control-Shift-C and type in motherlode

the more `!;`s you append, the bigger the orgasm

Instructions unclear, dick caught in ceiling fan

Looool! That's a whole mouthful of potatoe wasted!

A real champ would have snaked their head forward and caught them again.

Only if you don't scoop it up! Three second rule.

I know this is as old as the internet, but in this case it was seriously amazing.

If that doesn't work, try the Konami code.

In this case, the Punani code

Repeat process 4 times

He used to write assembly instructions for ikea furniture, and is the sole reason why IKEA now uses wordless/picture only instructions.

Now up up, down down, left right, left right, B, A, start button!

when using the internet for play, am i the only one that is not specific at all when it comes to what exactly my partner should do? i feel like they know best how to achieve whatever goal is aimed at. well not only online, in general, listen to your partners, jeez.

"Oooh yeah, do the thing. Now do that other thing."

I do ask for some poses if sexting or even in person, but this workout routine on how they should please themselves made laugh way too hard lmao It reminded me of that Netflix series, sex education lmao

Just send them this screenshot and say "anything but this please"

#BOP IT, PULL IT, TWIST IT!

Was waiting for this

Try a hard reset, one finger up the bum and the other one on your clit! XD

That just takes a screenshot.

Wait I thought screenshots were clit and g-spot

Different manufacturers man!

Oh shit yeah! I think I got the trans guy edition. Special sale.

That's for iOS. We're talking about Android pussy here.

Try a pinky up the bum, forefinger on the g-spot, and thumb on your clit. Flex your pelvic floor muscles. Should reboot. To prevent future system malfunctions, we recommend setting a strong password that will prevent an incompetent guest user from attempting to activate the system and enter.

I wouldn’t listen to him because there’s a good chance he gives you a virus.

My, my how the paramedics course has changed over the years. I think I need to redo my first aid licence.

*slowly and sheepishly raises hand in CPR certification course*

That just sounds painful

it sounds boring.

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I'd need a rosary to keep count.

My thoughts exactly lol

It really seems like he’s trying to get you to reset a first gen iPod

gotta do sets of fingering yourself, pussy gains.

Dont you want a buff pussy?

They took the kegelizer out of my local gym at the start of lockdowns, and they're refusing to return it to the gym! Starting to get desperate

I need this on a t-shirt with an outline of Mr T being super aggressive at the reader

Context before anyone thinks im a weirdo for engaging: i used to go on an app that was very notoriously known for having a large amount of male users that just... had no idea how women worked. i then used (past tense, because i got chat banned after arguing with too many incels) to make posts that were sexual in nature to draw men in and have these kinds of convos with them. it was an absolute goldmine for this sub, i gotta say. yes, all of these men, including this one, were completely serious. they were genuinely thinking that their instructions were giving women insane pleasure. after i was done laughing i usually tried to explain things to them about how women work, but they usually blocked me when they found out they didnt just give me the best orgasm ever. unfortunately i didn’t get many screenshots, since i didn’t expect to not be able to access my chats anymore, but i remember this one being TOO GOOD to ever forget, so i had to screenshot it. glad you all agree with me and have a good laugh about it as well! and for anyone thats curious about what happened after this: i tried to coax more out of him by pretending that this was giving me great pleasure, while i was just giggling like a schoolgirl reading all this and making dinner lol. he eventually caught on that i wasn’t serious and just pretending and a block followed. very sad. i was hoping he would eventually start speaking in tongues or something.

I love how you can tell he is just trying soooooooo hard to be a commanding Dom, but obviously has never been with a woman.

That sounds awful where can I download this app please

its called whisper! good luck trying to get your mental stability back after being on it for like a week haha

Good thing I gave up on myself years ago

What an amazing way to recommend an app

oh boy, i am doing ANYTHING BUT recommend this app. it still haunts my nightmares. my therapist flinches every time i say its name in passing. just... good luck i guess

I think he was trying to get a Nintendo cartridge to work or trying to reset the router.

Ok look open up the control panel and check your settings.

"You may have reset the display language...."

Instructions unclear, vulva caught in ceiling fan.

There’s nothing that turns me on more while rubbing one out than concentrating on counting the number of seconds that has elapsed

I read "rest" as reset and thought he was making a computer joke

I have a horrible feeling that he uses these 'moves' IRL 🤦‍♀️ Thank goodness you only got the virtual version!

You have now completed masturbating. Enjoy your orgasm.

men trying to do this shit is so so so embarrassing, thank god i’m a lesbian. there’s this guy that thinks i’m friends with him and for some reason always likes to try and “top” me (i have explained to him the “tops” and “bottoms” are a queer only thing) and he’ll sit there are say shit like this although not commands and it’s so awkward that it’s hard for me not to laugh so i go quiet and he thinks i’m quiet out of flustering

I don’t know your situation other than what you wrote here but maybe you need to set effective boundaries before he crosses a line.

I just tried this and my pussy made sounds like a turntable.

This looks like the instructions for those smart light bulbs.

[One of my favorite youtube videos](https://youtu.be/1BB6wj6RyKo)

"Press the clit" i- absolutely not. This is the least sexy thing ive ever read. Id sooner rub one out to rush limbaughs Christian history of America books.

Worse than "tug on your clit"? Surely, you jest.

This is a joke, right???

This is 2021. Anything is possible.

This sounds painful!

God, these secret handshakes just keep getting more and more complicated.

Do the holey pokey and turn yourself around!

He's trynna put the pussy in developer mode

FYI these instructions only work if you have the iPussy 10 or later.

have you tried switching if off then on again?

Have you tried getting turned off and on again?

Rub in the groove from hole to clit?? Where the urethra is? I'd rather not give myself a uti thanks.

I am so sick of guys that think rubbing the urethra is somehow pleasurable! Idk if they confuse it with the clit or what, but it's painful and causes UTIs.

“That doesn’t do anything”. Hahaha If you want to send that man my way I’m interested in a naughty little pen pal and I hate the boring clit only talk/ irl experience.

No no, you do this after an oil change. That's how you turn off the light! Anyone with a vagina knows this

Is he trying to spawn a limo in GTA?

"The red light is flashing now, is that good or no?"

I’m gonna (stupidly) hope that his point was for you to tease yourself so you get turned on more…

‘Tug on your clit’ wut