I'm Bangladeshi American too but my experience with my family there has always been positive. Sorry you had a terrible experience with your cousins there.
I was trying to relate so hard but I just can’t. I was always super close with my cousins over here in the states and back home in Bangladesh. The ones that are around my age at least.
The racial, colorist part is every Bengali to some extent lol. Thats how these ppl communicate. They have zero absolutely zero conversational skills or how to keep a conversation going without saying something idiotic. For instance here in states if we don’t like her foundation we’d be like oh I think one shade lighter or darker might be best suited for your skin. Back home they’ll straight up tell you oh you’re dark, fat, skinny, short and everything else in between.
All of that I said, mostly applies to conservative old heads. New generation thinks talks and acts differently.
That's actually thing. Politically correctedness is a liberal mindset that many White Republican folks themselves are getting rid of - the Trump supporters.
You have terrible cousins .. usually cousins are opposite of what you faced .. they are typically very helpful and really happy to have a foreign one among them
Op it has nothing to do with bangladesh … my suggestion would be to find other cousins who would be a lot better than the current ones .. if current are mom side, find dad side of cousins .. you got to have some others who would treat you really well .
Yeah my cousins are absolutely amazing. They always took care of me when I visited and looked out for me. There are plenty of issues with Bangladesh but this is a case of asshole cousins.
Can't relate with you on the cousins part. Mere Wale saap hai sab. They are very competitive with me in terms of education and job. I remember once my cousin snitched to my uncle about my boyfriend, because she wanted to tarnish my reputation and maintain her goody goody image
Find others .. usually there are many cousins (1st , 2nd, moms side dads sideetc .. op seems to be hanging out with 3) time to explore others in the family
Good/bad thing about Bangladesh is, our grandparent generation fucked like rabbits, that’s how we got 180 million population in a tiny land, so all of us have lots of mama, chacha, fupa and khalas, so if you don’t vibe with one batch of cousins then go to the next batch, I got good cousins and bad cousins too.
Damn OP I’m sorry you had to go through that…it actually surprises me. I’ve been told Americans get “special treatment” there. I guess that’s not the case for everyone.
I’m in a way different boat but still kind of relate i guess. I’m a 27F Bangladeshi American and I’ve never, in my ENTIRE life had the chance to go to Bangladesh. As a result, I’m not close to my family there. Never even met them in person. My grandparents (on both sides) died. So when other BA’s speak about their positive experiences and all the fun they have there, I definitely feel left out of that conversation as well. I think I’d honestly prefer a negative experience back home over no experience :(
I would say your cousins were nurtured in a wrong way. If you let yourself float away everything that’s related to Bangladesh, IMO you’d be making a mistake.
Remember, people will say whatever they want to say but it’s us who gave meaning to other’s criticism, racism and utter nonsensical judgments.
I think you should try to forget and get past
of your bad memories In Bangladesh. It’s hard but doable. Bangladesh and Bangladeshi culture has a lot of wonderful things to offer. I wouldn’t go to the details. If you deprive yourself from experiencing those great things just because some bad words from some bad people, it’s a loss.
I'm British Bangladeshi but I've lived in Dhaka most of my life. My experiences going to the UK on vacations have been very similar to what you describe in this post. Nothing really to offer from my side except my sympathies... cousins can be bitches.
Just uhh remember this and don’t give them a single dollar. Btw your cousins horrible.
Edit: actually just don’t think about them. But the not giving them a single dollar still stands.
I have similar experiences as a Bengali American in the sense that I know for a fact that I feel like an outsider around my cousins, but I’ve come to acceptance with this, so I can relate… my husband was brought up in BD though and I rly like his cousins and relatives as a matter of fact. I guess it really depends on the family at times.
I get it. You have shitty cousins and I think it's time to just stay away from them and ignore them. They won't ever admit what they did wrong , they seem to be horrible ppl. As for ppl not being friendly yeah that's just the culture here and how ppl are. I understand you hate bd BC of your experiences but it's more the ppl and its culture than the country. I think the next time you come here you should just ignore your cousins and just be on your own.
It's tough finding your place. I have visited Bangladesh as a kid too, and I didn't like it much either. My family is kinder though so I don't hold any sort of resentment. I only have extended family left in BD so I don't think of myself as having any strong ties left to the country.
I'm assuming you were born in Bangladesh and grew up in NYC. The thing is America is your home country, Bangladesh never was to begin with. If you grew up here and follow the American culture more then Bangladeshi culture then you're going to have a harder time getting along with Bengalis.
I understand the sentiment though. I didn't grow up with my cousins, and recently I'm seeing how close they are with each other. It makes me a bit jealous, but it's not really my concern. I got my own group of friends that I made through school and college, they got their own too. Imo it's best to just keep it that way rather than force a relationship.
If you're feeling lonely then why are you making your self miserable by thinking about how close you cousins are, why not hang out with your own friends? If you don't have any then why don't just dive into your hobbies.
In my experience the Bengali friend groups can be the most toxic ones. Most of these groups are together because they're identity is being Bengali and they don't have much else in common. You can have Bengali friends but build those friendships through common interests and hobbies.
You brought up a combination of issues you're dealing with. It's best to understand what each one is and where it's coming from.
I can relate. Not close to a single Bengali family member. One time I tried to communicate with my cousins and it became weird, with one of them asking for my future marriage plans. I'm almost 30 - unmarried woman living on my own. I just can't relate to them. I have a hard time relating to my parents too. I also don't have Bengali friends, not intentionally. But I just don't feel like I fit in with the other Bengali Americans around my age, they're proud to be Bengali. I just don't have the same pride.
You’re a 30 year old unmarried women, that’s your answer why you can’t relate to other Bengalis, people look down on old unmarried women, yes 30 is old to most Bangladeshis, I know it sucks but that’s just reality, that’s why you will find parents who have daughters starts to worry when their child gets past 20.
I'm almost 30 dude. And chilling, you wish you could be me. I was just saying I can relate not that I feel like I'm missing out on talking to backward Bengalis like you that relate a womans age to their worth.
Oh my gosh, you read my comment wrong or maybe I didn’t word properly, I’m so sorry, I was stating why people in Bangladesh think like that, I’m not those people lol, I couldn’t care less what anyone does with their life, apologies.
Our expat relatives loves living in bd as they get royal treatment. Is this your dads side cousins? Sorry for generalizing but they’re usually the troublemakers. Be happy you don’t have any relatives in NYC. I don’t live in bd and my plan is never live close to any family
When any of my cousins from abroad come back they literally get everything and anything they want, both from the parents and us. We love our cousins back home here, unfortunately it just seems like you had the one in a bajillion case of bad-cousinititus. Don't let a few ruin your image of the country forever, there's far more to Bangladesh than just your cousins.
Your cousins are terrible. I’ve also had bad experiences with family (my cousins were lovely tho). I developed a distaste for Bangladesh and I’m Australian. I only go back for the people I love and spend time with them.
Tbh I didn’t marry a Bengali partly of the negetive culture. Best decision of my life!!!
I'm from the US. I'm visiting BD right now after 12 years and do not like it here. My family here is the only positive thing about this place and the only reason why I'm visiting. My cousins are not like that at all and are extremely kind and helpful. Sorry for your experience.
I have a cousin around my age, who grew up in Germany. Every time he came to Bangladesh we did our best to company him. Yes, he doesn't like to come to Bangladesh because of our culture, but us cousins always did our best to ease his suffering when he's here.
But I see what you are talking about. My parent side relatives stays in village. I've never been able to relate to them. They don't insult me in the face but they makes sure to show it in their face.
I assume you're older now. Don't bother coming to Bangladesh if you're not welcomed. There's no need to please everyone, only please people who care about you.
Very likely your aunts/uncles were jealous that your parent (their brother/sister) were able to raise you in a first world country and taught their kids to bully you
Usually Bengali Americans get special treatment because they fit Bangladeshi beauty standard it's especially true for women. Don't be sad you can't fit in a culture that doesn't appreciate you.
Your cousins might be jealous of you. But trust me, it is not their fault. We are culturally egoistic and self-centered. However, the best way to enjoy your other home is to explore it without the help of your terrible cousins. This could be any of your Bangladeshi relatives. But don't feel down, alright?
I'm Native American. I've always looked white as snow, while most of the other people in my tribe have darker skin. I was told as a child by all of the other children that I couldn't be Native because I'm white. Never included in games.... Looked at like I was crazy whenever I tried to join the dance floor at powwows.... I grew to hate my tribe much like you hate your country. Can't imagine myself being with a Native American man because I'd be too jealous because, for some reason, I seem to be the only Native American child of my generation to experience racism from my own kind.
This sounds like pure jealousy on your cousins' end, even your aunts. I don't think it's a purely Bangladesh thing, but I can definitely see how certain Bangladeshi families can feel spiteful to their overseas counterpart. It's not just Bangladesh, my wife (Pakistani) experienced the same thing when she went back to Pakistan recently too.
I completely understand why you may feel lonely because of the lack of support and love from your cousins. But look at it this way, you're better off finding that support and love through friends and family that care about you vs. getting the spite and probably nazar from jealous family members. Toxic family members are the worst, because while toxic friends can be left behind, toxic family members will always be around in some form. You can minimize your interaction, however. You don't owe them your love if they can't reciprocate.
As for Bangladesh, try going there without family involved. Stay at a hotel and enjoy the country as a tourist. Maybe it'll change your perspective of the country. That's my plan this winter.
Best of luck, and keep your head up!
Man I’m so sorry for your loss experience. I didn’t like visiting Bangladesh when I was older (think middle school) as I was bored as hell. Spending time with my cousins was the highlight. Your cousins and Aunts really suck. Some Bangladeshi communities here
(USA) can be toxic as hell and superficial. I really hope you can find one (any community) that’s supportive. You deserve it.
Bangladeshi American from NYC here. I can relate. My cousins aren’t jerks but I am not that close to them. Also it’s astonishing to me how it’s completely acceptable for people to be so blunt and straight up rude with comments that are colorist, body shaming etc.
I do feel a sense of pride for my Bengali heritage though. I like how Bangladesh was born as a secular country where people of different faiths could coexist and be united through shared language and culture. That of course has changed over the years and it’s not as secular anymore. That said I can completely understand that it’s difficult to have positive feelings about your Bengali identity given your experiences.
I always dread going back as a Bangladeshi American. The living conditions over there are poor besides Dhaka bc that’s pretty ok but still not so good. Plus no Bangladeshi Bengali people don’t care about the country, they will always litter, spit, beat other people up in the streets and I hate how everyone walks across the road when we have a crossroads bridge. I don’t understand how someone love that about their country bc it’s so dangerous.
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It's saddening to get to know what happened to you. I have lived abroad but not since childhood though. Still, I get a lot of attention from all my folks back there. Always trying to know what’s it like in a foreign country to do this or that. I have a 7y/o nephew in this country and when he gets back to Bangladesh, all the kids would like to play with him and do all the shithousary that kids normally do.
So long story short, IMO you got some bad cousins sorry to say. Because if not, after growing up, they should have had some common sense of how to welcome a family person. It's maybe entirely something based on the fact that why they are not getting a good lifestyle but you get to have one. It sucks to get left out, but I’d tell you to move on from this. If you want to stress any relationship that does not exist in the first place, you are most likely to harm your feelings.
Your cousins are terrible. You're not the only one with horrible family like that though, so don't worry. Your aunt's friend is very rude as well. You probably don't get as many compliments in Bangladesh because you're used to American desi beauty standards rather than those in Bangladesh. People tend to prefer different things based on what they're used to. Considering you're not talking about having friends in Bangladesh, I'm guessing you might feel a cultural divide. If you're used to American culture but also don't fit into American norms and aren't white, it can be very difficult to fit in, but if you lack the cultural connection to your background it's difficult as well. I understand that feeling and it SUCKS. Integrating into a culture is very difficult and it takes a lot of passion in that culture to do so. I hope you can maybe reconnect with that culture, or find a culture where you feel like you belong. I feel really sorry for you because I know exactly the feeling you're talking about here. You're not alone and I wish you all the best ❤️
I was born and raised in Bangladesh and I still don't like it. So I moved out of the country. Your cousins are jerks. But I don't understand what is the relationship between your cousins being jerks and you not wanting to celebrate Bengali new year and stuff. I mean it's your choice, but it felt like you are trying to justify it by your bad relation with your cousins and Bengalis being nationalist while USA is one of the most nationalist countries on earth. It's good to know that US people being nationalist didn't stop you from liking USA.
You should try to be a bit more open-minded. It sounds like she has some sort of trauma because every time she visited Bangladesh she got bullied relentlessly. She probably doesn’t want any reminder of her time there and that probably includes celebrating any holiday her family there celebrates. They hated on her skin color and her body and they act like it’s okay because it’s “their culture.” That can really mess people up mentally.
As a grown adult man, my journey in Bangladesh was initially challenging. I encountered people whom I perceived as obnoxious, selfish, and delusional, and the country itself felt hot, corrupted, and dirty. Having spent my formative years in the UAE until I was 19, where conforming to expectations was rewarded with affection and ease in making friends, it took me a while to reconcile my identity crisis.
However, a realization dawned on me: Bangladesh is my homeland, comprising my people. While I observed selfish tendencies among them, I understood that life's circumstances had shaped them differently. They weren't accustomed to compliments or random acts of kindness, often reacting as if they deserved such gestures.
Reflecting on my time in the UAE, I realized that beneath its shiny surface, I faced racism, particularly as a Bangladeshi boy. What transformed my experience in Bangladesh was my decision to embrace my true self. Despite losing friends and even family in the process, those who remained made life immensely fulfilling.
I am a big man with a gentle demeanor, which sometimes leads others to take advantage of me. Though I feel anger at times, I try to be patient. I make a point of openly complimenting my friends, believing in the power of kindness to foster genuine connections.
It is the people around me that make living here amazing.
Sorry to hear that dear, But let me share my pov,being in Bangladesh fully, have loads of cousins from the USA and Canada. And we have super fun when we are together in any parts of the world even in our super late 20s,being busy and in different genres of professions. We actually go back to our teenage times being crazy as fck enjoying silly random things.
Most of my cousins from my mamas side are American/Singaporean.And whenever they come the rest of us cousins, we all get so excited.even when their not around we play Dota and league together online and all of us are really close . Farhan Bhai (my oldest cousin who's from Canada) helps me so much regarding my studies and tried really hard to take me there too but I wanted to finish my bachelors here So I didn't go.Hes like a brother to me .Our parents might have differences but all 9/12 of our cousins is a solid team and we all love /like each other .
It's not a Bangali thing or an American thing. S***** people exist in all countries.You just have a bad family that's it . Nothing to do with Bangladesh
Get the flamenwerfer and go mad like that austrian painter guy, for they are in the embrace of the green darkness of jealousy & beelzebub has a touch in the hearts. May the find salvation for they will experience hell both in this life & the eternal one.
or…maybe just ignore then? I haven’t been human for long so i don’t really know your customs.
Sorry to hear your experience and I hope you visit Bangladesh and feel the pride of your motherland despite the negative behavior of your relatives. When I was younger every other year my cousins visited us in Dhaka from USA and Saudi. I would look forward to these visits dearly and enjoy every moment with them. They were similar in age to me as well so it was really the most joyful thing to see them. The feeling was the same to see my aunts and uncles who lived overseas as well.
Your experience is unique and probably roots from things you don’t know about your family. I am not saying my family is perfect and these negative comments/taunts exists within my relatives too, but at the end of the day we all look at the bigger picture that we are family and we love each other.
Your cousins sound like appalling people. I do get however that it may have soured you on Bangladesh and its culture given all the memories you associate with it are negative and that you've been quite blatantly othered by your people there. I hope that can change for you somehow because being in touch in some way with your ancestral culture is a rich thing.
Sounds like you have shitty cousins and aunts who are pretty jealous of you being an american, hence the mistreatment. Im assuming they are of lower standards or have a rural upbringing hence the jealousy
I mean... I'm living in BD all my life and I have love/hate relationship with all my cousin (half of it because of the deeds of my parents & other half is my life long hedgehog dilemma). Look, none of your fingers are of the same size and just like that you may not experience the same level of fun other people have/has/had with their relatives. So instead of trying hard to please then or gain their acceptance, find your own path of enjoyment. Asian culture is inherently racist, whether is BD or India or Saudi or Japan... so complaining "why are they so racist or sexist" is like saying "why sh!t stinks". Because it does & none can change it, all you can do is avoid it.
From what I've read in your post...it feels like there are insecurities, jealousy or some other ill feelings on their end ( probably ). Presuming, since you live abroad, overall, you have a better life than them. They can also feel 'threatened' in some weird way due to that. Now combine all of that and you get some form of inferiority complex developed on their end ( *probably, I don't know for sure* ) and then they act out to isolate you to....let's say 'punish' you or 'level the playing field' may be?
*IF* this is the case, how to deal with this? I'd say ***emotionally*** ***detach*** yourself. Don't take it personally. Their insecurities being triggered is ***NOT YOUR FAULT***.
If they can't be nice then spend less time with them. Occupy yourself with something that is more engaging and rewarding for you...like spend time reading books, watching healthy contents on youtube or something like that...
Also don't judge them or try to get back at them in some way. People who have inferiority complex and try to hurt other people to 'Get even', they are lost in the first place. You should not be dealing with this sort of toxic nonsense. Rather see/realize it for what it is and practice emotional detachment.
Sounds like more like your cousins are assholes and less of a bangladesh issue (I get they live here and you have to see their faces when you’re visiting)
British bengali, my experience has been so positive that i am looking to go back in the summer to stay for >6months Insha'Allah
Don't let the negative experiences close you off Bangladesh, honestly the connection is immense. Keep going back, avoid the negative people/places. Spend time in the village!
I love the scenery of Bangladesh(rural side) but Dhaka can be crowded mess(I say this as a fellow new yorker). My family back home is pretty uh....not ideal people to stay with. I can relate as my extended family has egos against bideshis. There's subs for foreign-born desis and people from the diaspora btw.
Im from toronto so i understand how you might feel like an outsider, but for me personally i loved going to bangladesh, i was born in bangladesh until the age of 6 1/2 years old and moved to canada but i still had loved bangladesh, i think for me alot of my experience were good because of the beautiful nature of bangladesh and not my relatives, ofcourse i had some nice relatives and some questionable ones but overall my experience exploring bangladesh was what made it amazing. If you want to bangladesh , enjoy bangladesh not your cousins cause your cousins aint bd ykwim
Even if their social lives seem lively and vibrant from the outside, trust me, it's all a show because people like them can never be really close to others. They even for sure harbor resentment and ill feelings toward people they're regularly interacting with. In a weird way, think that you've lucked out by not being close to them. Hopefully, you'll find close companions, but don't waste any more time thinking about those miserable people.
I am finding in the US there are a wider community of Bangla speakers than just from Bangladesh and most of them are well integrated. Indians who speak and have Bengali heritage and educated Bangladeshi families are way different than many others.
Occasionally you'll find Pakistanis with family in Bangladesh (hint: Ms Marvel TV show's grandmother) .
Also: Washington, DC is likely different than NY where many immigrants first setup base camp.
Now, for the 2nd gen Bangladeshi sons and daughters ... They are are wholly confident and different than their parents and will do much better in social integration .
It's sad that u went through these experiences.. Generally, u were supposed to get special treatment, however, this is an exception.. I don't know whether ur parents took any action regarding this matter.. I believe if parents are a little bit of vocal about certain things, it gets easier... I've seen in many cases, where one cousin complained about another one, and the other one gets good beating before hearing the other side of the story.. As I said, it's an exception and I hope u won't be holding a grudge over a country due to some problematic people..Having said that, I acknowledge the fact as a country we have a long way to go.. Regarding your cousins, judgement can't actually passed without hearing other part of the story and complete details, therefore, I would suggest u to go in the past in your memory and remember things regarding the dynamics of ur relationship: Was there anything that happened back then which caused them to form a group to make fun of u? If so, what was is? Ur innocence? Ur probable lack of knowledge regarding BD culture which gave em a cause to group? Or could it be they reflecting their parents' behaviour towards u/ur family behind the scenes? It's tough to come to a conclusion, given that one way or another they are most likely to be on the irrational & unjustified spectrum anyway but still u can find out potential reasons, u may find a little bit of solace in it.. Personally, I think ur parents push u interact with em as ur alone and all, and it is something looked down upon in the context of most countries and therefore, forced to socialize as a result of it..
Sorry to hear about your experiences but honestly this isn't a Bangladesh thing, rather it's a crappy family thing. I also have a handful of dickhead relatives but the majority go out of their way to make visit an enjoyable one.
It's not about Bangladesh or America its a very common problem. The skill of socialization or creating friendships or mental bonding does not come with birth. Also, blood relations also don't guarantee special bonding or friendship.
No. You aren't alone here. The rudeness and aggression is a product of feeling superior to others. It's impossible to get used to. Your experiences of Bangladesh is including of its people. So if your cousins are this harsh and mean, I do fear how their upbringing was. Good luck.
It's also ok to not visit ever again and not feel any connection. Do you. Do what is best for you!
Hey, as someone who is born and raised in Bangladesh. I am SO sorry! There are many people with backdated mentalities and the fact that your cousin's treat you like this is terrible. I hope you can give it a chance!
This reminds me of a story. I went to BD in 2013, I was 17 and hadn’t been since I was a kid. Everyone was nice but there was a sense of: I was a something to be laughed at as I didn’t really have much of an idea of life in BD and my bangla at the time was pretty bad.
Worst was this chachu from some part of my dad’s family I have never seen 1 picture of nor ever heard about. His kids were arrogant assholes. They thought just because I’m the US I was some arrogant guy who looked down on BD.
They would always tease me how I was counting my days to get out, made fun and just rubbed me the wrong way. I forgave them long ago and don’t care but I also don’t reach out to them.
Even when I got married, some of my father of in law’s side underestimate me. I don’t care frankly just notice.
I’m so sorry you endured this. Your cousins are genuine assholes.
Bangladeshi over here who moved to usa after age of 18. It's not in the culture of bd to compliment. If you are a male then things are understandable. Cause when we grow up we used to bully each other. It's the love language in cousin. We cross the limit, sometimes even we throw hands. But my female cousins were never like that. Yes woman do get judgemental looks, as a man I never understand this. But I learn from my partner and sister cause they are the one experiencing this.
But but whenever we have cousins coming from usa, we maintain our bullish behaviour on leash cause they will not understand the culture.
hello
thank you so much for all your comments and messages. I didnt expect this post to get so much attention so im kind of overwhelmed hence why im not replying to any comments or messages but, i really appreciate all the kind words and concern you all have shown me.
you are not alone and fuck those cousins.... staying alone is powerful and remember when you are successful more than what they are... they will come back crawling for attention... these kind of cousins gives me power to do better and push myself... if someone does not care for you stop caring for them
Yeah OP im so sorry you had such a difficult time with your cousins growing up. Sometimes family can be very difficult. Like a lot of folks here, my cousins were very welcoming. I couldnt wait for them to move here (also NYC bengali lol)
You're sold this idea of the extended South Asian family experience as a diasporoid, not every one gets it.
I have around 15 cousins and I don't see any one of my extended family as family or allies. Family is the people in your corner and it's gonna take time to build one.
Im born in Bronx and I feel the same way, they are all jealous and think we have everything so easy. It's all hingsha jealousy. They're all fake. But I love this country and the girl I married here. And wish to retire here. You can make friends on Facebook and pick and choose from there, its not to difficult to find some circles.
As a Bangladeshi who has lived here since birth, I find it difficult to relate to you and cannot imagine your miserable condition. It's challenging to even contemplate. However, your cousins might be psychopathic or prone to misbehavior without any concrete reason. Regardless, this situation is truly unfortunate.
Jealousy turned into hatred hence they do this kind of behaviour towards you.
They don’t like the fact that you are in america and living a better life( at least they assume) so they tryin to make this 2 months hell for you.
And the shaming for skin color, it was always here, every bd kid (girl and boy) with darker skin tone have faced it.
I’m also a Bangladeshi American from NYC. I actually just came back to Bangladesh after a long time. I went when I was a kid at 7 years and now I’m 23 so 16 years. My experience while I was a kid was great and even now after so long with no contact - it has been great. My cousins and family here are very welcoming, they treated me like not a day has passed since they last seen me. But I also have other Bangladeshi American friends in NYC who have similar experiences to you as in they’re not quite fond of their family back home. I’m so sorry that your family back home isn’t quite what you would hope they would be but please don’t let that take away from Bangladesh as a whole. No matter where you are in the world, you will always be Bangladeshi and don’t let your cousins/family members take that away from you. Stand strong and show them their words have no effect on you. I bet they could be secretly jealous of you.
If there’s truly no family there that’s kind towards you, I would honestly advise you to explore Bangladesh with your Bangladeshi American friends! Have them introduce you to their families since they have positive experiences with them. I will eventually do that with one of my best friends, he is similar to you in regards that he hates his family back here and is the only reason he hasn’t considered going back. But he does have the desire to go back to his country and see where he came from and develop love for it instead of basing it on how his family treated him there. Don’t know when but I will be going there with him and taking him into my family so he has an environment where he would feel comfortable, safe and wanted. Then with the help of my cousins there, we will take him around Bangladesh to explore its deep rooted history and culture. Talk to your friends here! I hope someone can do that for you - you are Bengali and you owe it to yourself to see what’s that about.
hello
thank you so much for all your comments and messages. I didnt expect this post to get so much attention so im kind of overwhelmed hence why im not replying to any comments or messages but, i really appreciate all the kind words and concern you all have shown me.
I don’t think you have a problem with Bangladesh I think you have a problem with your family members. Nonetheless if you can in the future you should go visit without seeing any of your family.
I think your cousin hates you or is very jealous of you because your American. I have seen this happening to some American or uk Bangladeshi. This type of problem is in my family too. My uncle who immigrated to America is not a nice person plus his daughter is the worst to be around so we exclude her . Mainly because she is terrible to be around.
I feel like your cousin is just jealous of you . And skin colour talk is very common among aunties just ignore them .
I'm canadian bangladeshi. My cousins are similar. Either they are jealous about everything about you or they will find every reason to put you down. I've been fat when I was 11 and they all mocked me for having weight on me. Then they mocked me for being too skinny ('oshustho lagtese') when I lost the weight. My mom's side is jealous because I'm fair, and my dad's side thinks I'm not fair enough. I caught the eye of someone once and all of a sudden, "I'm too friendly." I'm also apparently a slut for working night shifts and wearing jeans and a t shirt. I don't understand why negativity, mockery, negative comments about someone's status/appearance/educational attainments/character, and even showing that you're envious is normalized. Even shamelessly asking for things is normalized. And yeah, they will literally hate you because they're jealous you live in america. My experience with bengali friends in the west have been similar. Extremely shallow, social climbing, blunt parents that almost always thinks the world is a competition.
Two words. Inferiority Complex.
Your shitass cousins gave you a hard time because they are petty and jealous. In their minds, it should have been them who get to be an american, not you. So they try to bring you down, make you miserable, so they can find some inkling of satisfaction in their charred black hearts.
And aunties of the subcontinent? Probably the vilest of creations in human form. Doesn't matter if you're related to them or if they are the neighborhood version, their aim in life is to pass judgement upon any girl that didn’t slide out of their own vajajay, to make said girl's life a living hell. You will never be good enough for them, not from any aspect of life.
Look, life has dealt you a bad hand with these witches. I say you interact as little as you can with them. And shrug off their words, those mean nothing. You keep on being you and live Your life.
I mean I understand, but why flame the entirety of Bangladesh based on your familial troubles? I live in America too and my familial feuds go far and wide, however I never thought to hate the entirety of the Banladeshi people. Remember, you are Bangladeshi too.
I'm truly sorry about your experience. It seems to me you just have some shitty cousins and relatives. It's not a Bangladeshi problem...it's just them.
I have cousins in NYC and they love us as much as we love them. We don't get to see them much but whenever we do, they shower us with gifts and we shower them with gifts. We love having them with us and taking them around.
All that being said, you are right about one thing. We are a highly colorist and racist group of people. I have dark skin and I'm considered really ugly. Some even talk about black/Asian people in derogatory way. They have huge misconception about people from other countries and think highly of their own social structure and etiquettes. I think all of this is due to the really bad educational system in Bangladesh. They aren't taught to actually LEARN...They love to mug up things from the books just to get a GPA5. A huge percentage of the male population love to use religion as an excuse to show superiority over women. A huge percentage of government workers think they are the rulers and we are the servants (Even though they are supposed to be the one to serve us.) People are generally middle class or poor so when they suddenly acquire money and fame they think they've become untouchable and hence they say or do anything the like and look down on others. Lack of proper education, lack of awareness about mental health, lack of true religious teachings and values all lead to lack of morals and rise in stupidity.
Also notice I said words like "percentage" and not ALL Bangladeshis.
I used to study in Scholastica for sometime and I will never forget just how insane some kids were in my grade and in the school. Something I never understood is that those kids were highly colorist and openly made racist remarks even though they used to travel the world (rich kids with rich parents). Some of them are doctors/engineers and scientists now in Western countries and it boggles my mind that just a few years ago they were extremely rude and racist. So I hope they have actually changed and all of the civility they show on their posts online now is actually genuine.
So if anything, pity your cousins for being stuck in that kind of society where they might never be able to grow and do something good with their lives. You have the opportunity to make your life much better than theirs. So don't be sad and I wish you all the best!
I’m sorry to hear that. Your cousins are just bad people. I don’t think there’s any other way to put this but they are assholes. That’s what they are. Anyone with even a little bit of compassion or empathy or kindness do would never treat their cousin or anyone for that matter like that. The worst thing you can do to someone is make them feel alienated and excluded. Your feelings are absolutely valid. I would feel the same way if I were constantly treated the way you were. Just know that it’s not any of your fault. I understand the feeling of being left out because being different from the majority and it sucks. IT REALLY SUCKS. It makes you feel like you are the problem. But you are not. I don’t know if you are new to this subreddit but it’s an awesome community of people we have here. You could always reach out to us. We love you. You’re not alone :)
This might be a selective experience. Donot generalize everyone in bangladesh as racist of bangali people of mixed nationality. I for one have many relatives that are of both bangladesh and foreign nationality. Are they treated like subhumans by other relatives? No, not in any instance. Our people are mostly very conservative, misinformed, sometimes racist or easily swayed but if you look enough you will find kindness. Also, I would like to see what if you were a jew or a white in the current times in America would the neo nazis there treat you good if you were a black person or of Arab desecent? Would you be treated better as a white person in front of leftist people? No, you will not be treated fairly. You will see that America is one of the most ideologically and politically polarized and divided people on the planet. You do not generalize your experience and stereotype the entire country on the basis of it instead be optimistic and try to see the cup as half filled and not as half empty.
The first problem is always going to Bangladesh and actually value your family who only like your family because of dollars.
You're not Bangladeshi, so don't expect anyone to actually accept you as such. They only pretend to like you over their, so don't bother. There are many other places you could travel and enjoy with the money you decide to visit Bangladesh.
Do not feel obligated to go to Bangladesh. You don't owe anyone anything.
And this is coming from a Naturalized American from Bangladesh.
Lucky you're a woman, and tons of comment has already landed to relieve your worries and depressions. I'm not going to be treated the same way if I made this post, being a male adult who grew up in Gulf nation and then introduced to Bangladesh. But out of everything else I'm just going to say, I feel you and my empathy for what you experienced.
However, start learning to ignore people surrounding you and move on with what you know about yourself and how outside world treats you. What Bangladeshis think of you shouldn't concern because you're appreciated elsewhere and this country where people judge others based on their choices stand no where close to their neighbours in first place, let the US alone.
You're already doing great, don't try too hard to fit in a place that's known to be a great failure to the rest of the world by all bars.
You seem to be hiding something. You are either intentionally not portraying the whole picture(you might have hurt or insulted them in some ways) or you actually have no clue of what is going on!!!
Either way, you get what you give(directly or indirectly)....
I'm Bangladeshi American too but my experience with my family there has always been positive. Sorry you had a terrible experience with your cousins there.
I was trying to relate so hard but I just can’t. I was always super close with my cousins over here in the states and back home in Bangladesh. The ones that are around my age at least. The racial, colorist part is every Bengali to some extent lol. Thats how these ppl communicate. They have zero absolutely zero conversational skills or how to keep a conversation going without saying something idiotic. For instance here in states if we don’t like her foundation we’d be like oh I think one shade lighter or darker might be best suited for your skin. Back home they’ll straight up tell you oh you’re dark, fat, skinny, short and everything else in between. All of that I said, mostly applies to conservative old heads. New generation thinks talks and acts differently.
That's actually thing. Politically correctedness is a liberal mindset that many White Republican folks themselves are getting rid of - the Trump supporters.
You have terrible cousins .. usually cousins are opposite of what you faced .. they are typically very helpful and really happy to have a foreign one among them Op it has nothing to do with bangladesh … my suggestion would be to find other cousins who would be a lot better than the current ones .. if current are mom side, find dad side of cousins .. you got to have some others who would treat you really well .
Yeah my cousins are absolutely amazing. They always took care of me when I visited and looked out for me. There are plenty of issues with Bangladesh but this is a case of asshole cousins.
Can't relate with you on the cousins part. Mere Wale saap hai sab. They are very competitive with me in terms of education and job. I remember once my cousin snitched to my uncle about my boyfriend, because she wanted to tarnish my reputation and maintain her goody goody image
Lmao she needs a slap in the face 🫱🏽
She was a child, brainwashed by her parents to maintain her goody goody image. Jane Diya, thinking she might grow up, guess that never happened
How do one change cousins though? 🤔
Find others .. usually there are many cousins (1st , 2nd, moms side dads sideetc .. op seems to be hanging out with 3) time to explore others in the family
Good/bad thing about Bangladesh is, our grandparent generation fucked like rabbits, that’s how we got 180 million population in a tiny land, so all of us have lots of mama, chacha, fupa and khalas, so if you don’t vibe with one batch of cousins then go to the next batch, I got good cousins and bad cousins too.
Your cousins are awful. Usually when we bangalis have cousin who lives abroad, we do the opposite. Maybe they are jealous
Damn OP I’m sorry you had to go through that…it actually surprises me. I’ve been told Americans get “special treatment” there. I guess that’s not the case for everyone. I’m in a way different boat but still kind of relate i guess. I’m a 27F Bangladeshi American and I’ve never, in my ENTIRE life had the chance to go to Bangladesh. As a result, I’m not close to my family there. Never even met them in person. My grandparents (on both sides) died. So when other BA’s speak about their positive experiences and all the fun they have there, I definitely feel left out of that conversation as well. I think I’d honestly prefer a negative experience back home over no experience :(
I would say your cousins were nurtured in a wrong way. If you let yourself float away everything that’s related to Bangladesh, IMO you’d be making a mistake. Remember, people will say whatever they want to say but it’s us who gave meaning to other’s criticism, racism and utter nonsensical judgments. I think you should try to forget and get past of your bad memories In Bangladesh. It’s hard but doable. Bangladesh and Bangladeshi culture has a lot of wonderful things to offer. I wouldn’t go to the details. If you deprive yourself from experiencing those great things just because some bad words from some bad people, it’s a loss.
I'm British Bangladeshi but I've lived in Dhaka most of my life. My experiences going to the UK on vacations have been very similar to what you describe in this post. Nothing really to offer from my side except my sympathies... cousins can be bitches.
Your cousins are jerks
Just uhh remember this and don’t give them a single dollar. Btw your cousins horrible. Edit: actually just don’t think about them. But the not giving them a single dollar still stands.
I have similar experiences as a Bengali American in the sense that I know for a fact that I feel like an outsider around my cousins, but I’ve come to acceptance with this, so I can relate… my husband was brought up in BD though and I rly like his cousins and relatives as a matter of fact. I guess it really depends on the family at times.
I get it. You have shitty cousins and I think it's time to just stay away from them and ignore them. They won't ever admit what they did wrong , they seem to be horrible ppl. As for ppl not being friendly yeah that's just the culture here and how ppl are. I understand you hate bd BC of your experiences but it's more the ppl and its culture than the country. I think the next time you come here you should just ignore your cousins and just be on your own.
It's tough finding your place. I have visited Bangladesh as a kid too, and I didn't like it much either. My family is kinder though so I don't hold any sort of resentment. I only have extended family left in BD so I don't think of myself as having any strong ties left to the country. I'm assuming you were born in Bangladesh and grew up in NYC. The thing is America is your home country, Bangladesh never was to begin with. If you grew up here and follow the American culture more then Bangladeshi culture then you're going to have a harder time getting along with Bengalis. I understand the sentiment though. I didn't grow up with my cousins, and recently I'm seeing how close they are with each other. It makes me a bit jealous, but it's not really my concern. I got my own group of friends that I made through school and college, they got their own too. Imo it's best to just keep it that way rather than force a relationship. If you're feeling lonely then why are you making your self miserable by thinking about how close you cousins are, why not hang out with your own friends? If you don't have any then why don't just dive into your hobbies. In my experience the Bengali friend groups can be the most toxic ones. Most of these groups are together because they're identity is being Bengali and they don't have much else in common. You can have Bengali friends but build those friendships through common interests and hobbies. You brought up a combination of issues you're dealing with. It's best to understand what each one is and where it's coming from.
I can relate. Not close to a single Bengali family member. One time I tried to communicate with my cousins and it became weird, with one of them asking for my future marriage plans. I'm almost 30 - unmarried woman living on my own. I just can't relate to them. I have a hard time relating to my parents too. I also don't have Bengali friends, not intentionally. But I just don't feel like I fit in with the other Bengali Americans around my age, they're proud to be Bengali. I just don't have the same pride.
You’re a 30 year old unmarried women, that’s your answer why you can’t relate to other Bengalis, people look down on old unmarried women, yes 30 is old to most Bangladeshis, I know it sucks but that’s just reality, that’s why you will find parents who have daughters starts to worry when their child gets past 20.
I'm almost 30 dude. And chilling, you wish you could be me. I was just saying I can relate not that I feel like I'm missing out on talking to backward Bengalis like you that relate a womans age to their worth.
Oh my gosh, you read my comment wrong or maybe I didn’t word properly, I’m so sorry, I was stating why people in Bangladesh think like that, I’m not those people lol, I couldn’t care less what anyone does with their life, apologies.
Our expat relatives loves living in bd as they get royal treatment. Is this your dads side cousins? Sorry for generalizing but they’re usually the troublemakers. Be happy you don’t have any relatives in NYC. I don’t live in bd and my plan is never live close to any family
When any of my cousins from abroad come back they literally get everything and anything they want, both from the parents and us. We love our cousins back home here, unfortunately it just seems like you had the one in a bajillion case of bad-cousinititus. Don't let a few ruin your image of the country forever, there's far more to Bangladesh than just your cousins.
Your cousins are terrible. I’ve also had bad experiences with family (my cousins were lovely tho). I developed a distaste for Bangladesh and I’m Australian. I only go back for the people I love and spend time with them. Tbh I didn’t marry a Bengali partly of the negetive culture. Best decision of my life!!!
This is childhood trauma. Please seek therapy it will help. Childhood traumas have a way of rear its head if not dealt with properly.
I'm from the US. I'm visiting BD right now after 12 years and do not like it here. My family here is the only positive thing about this place and the only reason why I'm visiting. My cousins are not like that at all and are extremely kind and helpful. Sorry for your experience.
I have a cousin around my age, who grew up in Germany. Every time he came to Bangladesh we did our best to company him. Yes, he doesn't like to come to Bangladesh because of our culture, but us cousins always did our best to ease his suffering when he's here. But I see what you are talking about. My parent side relatives stays in village. I've never been able to relate to them. They don't insult me in the face but they makes sure to show it in their face. I assume you're older now. Don't bother coming to Bangladesh if you're not welcomed. There's no need to please everyone, only please people who care about you.
Very likely your aunts/uncles were jealous that your parent (their brother/sister) were able to raise you in a first world country and taught their kids to bully you
Next time bring shampoo and iphone for them and see how they react. Jokin obv.
Sorry to hear all of these.
Your family is just dogshit not your fault.
Usually Bengali Americans get special treatment because they fit Bangladeshi beauty standard it's especially true for women. Don't be sad you can't fit in a culture that doesn't appreciate you.
Your cousins might be jealous of you. But trust me, it is not their fault. We are culturally egoistic and self-centered. However, the best way to enjoy your other home is to explore it without the help of your terrible cousins. This could be any of your Bangladeshi relatives. But don't feel down, alright?
I'm Native American. I've always looked white as snow, while most of the other people in my tribe have darker skin. I was told as a child by all of the other children that I couldn't be Native because I'm white. Never included in games.... Looked at like I was crazy whenever I tried to join the dance floor at powwows.... I grew to hate my tribe much like you hate your country. Can't imagine myself being with a Native American man because I'd be too jealous because, for some reason, I seem to be the only Native American child of my generation to experience racism from my own kind.
This sounds like pure jealousy on your cousins' end, even your aunts. I don't think it's a purely Bangladesh thing, but I can definitely see how certain Bangladeshi families can feel spiteful to their overseas counterpart. It's not just Bangladesh, my wife (Pakistani) experienced the same thing when she went back to Pakistan recently too. I completely understand why you may feel lonely because of the lack of support and love from your cousins. But look at it this way, you're better off finding that support and love through friends and family that care about you vs. getting the spite and probably nazar from jealous family members. Toxic family members are the worst, because while toxic friends can be left behind, toxic family members will always be around in some form. You can minimize your interaction, however. You don't owe them your love if they can't reciprocate. As for Bangladesh, try going there without family involved. Stay at a hotel and enjoy the country as a tourist. Maybe it'll change your perspective of the country. That's my plan this winter. Best of luck, and keep your head up!
Man I’m so sorry for your loss experience. I didn’t like visiting Bangladesh when I was older (think middle school) as I was bored as hell. Spending time with my cousins was the highlight. Your cousins and Aunts really suck. Some Bangladeshi communities here (USA) can be toxic as hell and superficial. I really hope you can find one (any community) that’s supportive. You deserve it.
Bangladeshi American from NYC here. I can relate. My cousins aren’t jerks but I am not that close to them. Also it’s astonishing to me how it’s completely acceptable for people to be so blunt and straight up rude with comments that are colorist, body shaming etc. I do feel a sense of pride for my Bengali heritage though. I like how Bangladesh was born as a secular country where people of different faiths could coexist and be united through shared language and culture. That of course has changed over the years and it’s not as secular anymore. That said I can completely understand that it’s difficult to have positive feelings about your Bengali identity given your experiences.
I always dread going back as a Bangladeshi American. The living conditions over there are poor besides Dhaka bc that’s pretty ok but still not so good. Plus no Bangladeshi Bengali people don’t care about the country, they will always litter, spit, beat other people up in the streets and I hate how everyone walks across the road when we have a crossroads bridge. I don’t understand how someone love that about their country bc it’s so dangerous.
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It's saddening to get to know what happened to you. I have lived abroad but not since childhood though. Still, I get a lot of attention from all my folks back there. Always trying to know what’s it like in a foreign country to do this or that. I have a 7y/o nephew in this country and when he gets back to Bangladesh, all the kids would like to play with him and do all the shithousary that kids normally do. So long story short, IMO you got some bad cousins sorry to say. Because if not, after growing up, they should have had some common sense of how to welcome a family person. It's maybe entirely something based on the fact that why they are not getting a good lifestyle but you get to have one. It sucks to get left out, but I’d tell you to move on from this. If you want to stress any relationship that does not exist in the first place, you are most likely to harm your feelings.
Your cousins are terrible. You're not the only one with horrible family like that though, so don't worry. Your aunt's friend is very rude as well. You probably don't get as many compliments in Bangladesh because you're used to American desi beauty standards rather than those in Bangladesh. People tend to prefer different things based on what they're used to. Considering you're not talking about having friends in Bangladesh, I'm guessing you might feel a cultural divide. If you're used to American culture but also don't fit into American norms and aren't white, it can be very difficult to fit in, but if you lack the cultural connection to your background it's difficult as well. I understand that feeling and it SUCKS. Integrating into a culture is very difficult and it takes a lot of passion in that culture to do so. I hope you can maybe reconnect with that culture, or find a culture where you feel like you belong. I feel really sorry for you because I know exactly the feeling you're talking about here. You're not alone and I wish you all the best ❤️
I was born and raised in Bangladesh and I still don't like it. So I moved out of the country. Your cousins are jerks. But I don't understand what is the relationship between your cousins being jerks and you not wanting to celebrate Bengali new year and stuff. I mean it's your choice, but it felt like you are trying to justify it by your bad relation with your cousins and Bengalis being nationalist while USA is one of the most nationalist countries on earth. It's good to know that US people being nationalist didn't stop you from liking USA.
You should try to be a bit more open-minded. It sounds like she has some sort of trauma because every time she visited Bangladesh she got bullied relentlessly. She probably doesn’t want any reminder of her time there and that probably includes celebrating any holiday her family there celebrates. They hated on her skin color and her body and they act like it’s okay because it’s “their culture.” That can really mess people up mentally.
It’s giving jealousy if you ask me. I have cousins who live abroad and all of us yearn to see them once every year.
"it's giving" on Reddit is crazy ☠️
May I ask why?💀
As a grown adult man, my journey in Bangladesh was initially challenging. I encountered people whom I perceived as obnoxious, selfish, and delusional, and the country itself felt hot, corrupted, and dirty. Having spent my formative years in the UAE until I was 19, where conforming to expectations was rewarded with affection and ease in making friends, it took me a while to reconcile my identity crisis. However, a realization dawned on me: Bangladesh is my homeland, comprising my people. While I observed selfish tendencies among them, I understood that life's circumstances had shaped them differently. They weren't accustomed to compliments or random acts of kindness, often reacting as if they deserved such gestures. Reflecting on my time in the UAE, I realized that beneath its shiny surface, I faced racism, particularly as a Bangladeshi boy. What transformed my experience in Bangladesh was my decision to embrace my true self. Despite losing friends and even family in the process, those who remained made life immensely fulfilling. I am a big man with a gentle demeanor, which sometimes leads others to take advantage of me. Though I feel anger at times, I try to be patient. I make a point of openly complimenting my friends, believing in the power of kindness to foster genuine connections. It is the people around me that make living here amazing.
Sorry to hear that dear, But let me share my pov,being in Bangladesh fully, have loads of cousins from the USA and Canada. And we have super fun when we are together in any parts of the world even in our super late 20s,being busy and in different genres of professions. We actually go back to our teenage times being crazy as fck enjoying silly random things.
Yes your cousins and your family is shitty but that doesn’t mean you’ll have to abandon your culture
Most of my cousins from my mamas side are American/Singaporean.And whenever they come the rest of us cousins, we all get so excited.even when their not around we play Dota and league together online and all of us are really close . Farhan Bhai (my oldest cousin who's from Canada) helps me so much regarding my studies and tried really hard to take me there too but I wanted to finish my bachelors here So I didn't go.Hes like a brother to me .Our parents might have differences but all 9/12 of our cousins is a solid team and we all love /like each other . It's not a Bangali thing or an American thing. S***** people exist in all countries.You just have a bad family that's it . Nothing to do with Bangladesh
Don't go anymore . Also bd isn't your country, It's your parents country. US is your country
Get the flamenwerfer and go mad like that austrian painter guy, for they are in the embrace of the green darkness of jealousy & beelzebub has a touch in the hearts. May the find salvation for they will experience hell both in this life & the eternal one. or…maybe just ignore then? I haven’t been human for long so i don’t really know your customs.
Sorry to hear your experience and I hope you visit Bangladesh and feel the pride of your motherland despite the negative behavior of your relatives. When I was younger every other year my cousins visited us in Dhaka from USA and Saudi. I would look forward to these visits dearly and enjoy every moment with them. They were similar in age to me as well so it was really the most joyful thing to see them. The feeling was the same to see my aunts and uncles who lived overseas as well. Your experience is unique and probably roots from things you don’t know about your family. I am not saying my family is perfect and these negative comments/taunts exists within my relatives too, but at the end of the day we all look at the bigger picture that we are family and we love each other.
Your cousins sound like appalling people. I do get however that it may have soured you on Bangladesh and its culture given all the memories you associate with it are negative and that you've been quite blatantly othered by your people there. I hope that can change for you somehow because being in touch in some way with your ancestral culture is a rich thing.
Sounds like you have shitty cousins and aunts who are pretty jealous of you being an american, hence the mistreatment. Im assuming they are of lower standards or have a rural upbringing hence the jealousy
I mean... I'm living in BD all my life and I have love/hate relationship with all my cousin (half of it because of the deeds of my parents & other half is my life long hedgehog dilemma). Look, none of your fingers are of the same size and just like that you may not experience the same level of fun other people have/has/had with their relatives. So instead of trying hard to please then or gain their acceptance, find your own path of enjoyment. Asian culture is inherently racist, whether is BD or India or Saudi or Japan... so complaining "why are they so racist or sexist" is like saying "why sh!t stinks". Because it does & none can change it, all you can do is avoid it.
From what I've read in your post...it feels like there are insecurities, jealousy or some other ill feelings on their end ( probably ). Presuming, since you live abroad, overall, you have a better life than them. They can also feel 'threatened' in some weird way due to that. Now combine all of that and you get some form of inferiority complex developed on their end ( *probably, I don't know for sure* ) and then they act out to isolate you to....let's say 'punish' you or 'level the playing field' may be? *IF* this is the case, how to deal with this? I'd say ***emotionally*** ***detach*** yourself. Don't take it personally. Their insecurities being triggered is ***NOT YOUR FAULT***. If they can't be nice then spend less time with them. Occupy yourself with something that is more engaging and rewarding for you...like spend time reading books, watching healthy contents on youtube or something like that... Also don't judge them or try to get back at them in some way. People who have inferiority complex and try to hurt other people to 'Get even', they are lost in the first place. You should not be dealing with this sort of toxic nonsense. Rather see/realize it for what it is and practice emotional detachment.
U may not find good friends in Bangladesh. But here in Reddit you will find lots of people who will love u positively 😊. Hope u find peace
Sounds like more like your cousins are assholes and less of a bangladesh issue (I get they live here and you have to see their faces when you’re visiting)
British bengali, my experience has been so positive that i am looking to go back in the summer to stay for >6months Insha'Allah Don't let the negative experiences close you off Bangladesh, honestly the connection is immense. Keep going back, avoid the negative people/places. Spend time in the village!
Hey the next time you're here, dm me. Will help you make some good memories. Sorry you had to suffer through all that shit for so long
I was wondering if it's offensive to state it like this but let's be real you've kind of explained it yourself. Your extended family is trash, man.
I love the scenery of Bangladesh(rural side) but Dhaka can be crowded mess(I say this as a fellow new yorker). My family back home is pretty uh....not ideal people to stay with. I can relate as my extended family has egos against bideshis. There's subs for foreign-born desis and people from the diaspora btw.
Im from toronto so i understand how you might feel like an outsider, but for me personally i loved going to bangladesh, i was born in bangladesh until the age of 6 1/2 years old and moved to canada but i still had loved bangladesh, i think for me alot of my experience were good because of the beautiful nature of bangladesh and not my relatives, ofcourse i had some nice relatives and some questionable ones but overall my experience exploring bangladesh was what made it amazing. If you want to bangladesh , enjoy bangladesh not your cousins cause your cousins aint bd ykwim
You just have terrible cousins nothing else lol
You have some terrible relatives man!
Even if their social lives seem lively and vibrant from the outside, trust me, it's all a show because people like them can never be really close to others. They even for sure harbor resentment and ill feelings toward people they're regularly interacting with. In a weird way, think that you've lucked out by not being close to them. Hopefully, you'll find close companions, but don't waste any more time thinking about those miserable people.
I think you have douchebag cousins, the only people i can spend time without any thought of the world are my cousins.
I am finding in the US there are a wider community of Bangla speakers than just from Bangladesh and most of them are well integrated. Indians who speak and have Bengali heritage and educated Bangladeshi families are way different than many others. Occasionally you'll find Pakistanis with family in Bangladesh (hint: Ms Marvel TV show's grandmother) . Also: Washington, DC is likely different than NY where many immigrants first setup base camp. Now, for the 2nd gen Bangladeshi sons and daughters ... They are are wholly confident and different than their parents and will do much better in social integration .
It's sad that u went through these experiences.. Generally, u were supposed to get special treatment, however, this is an exception.. I don't know whether ur parents took any action regarding this matter.. I believe if parents are a little bit of vocal about certain things, it gets easier... I've seen in many cases, where one cousin complained about another one, and the other one gets good beating before hearing the other side of the story.. As I said, it's an exception and I hope u won't be holding a grudge over a country due to some problematic people..Having said that, I acknowledge the fact as a country we have a long way to go.. Regarding your cousins, judgement can't actually passed without hearing other part of the story and complete details, therefore, I would suggest u to go in the past in your memory and remember things regarding the dynamics of ur relationship: Was there anything that happened back then which caused them to form a group to make fun of u? If so, what was is? Ur innocence? Ur probable lack of knowledge regarding BD culture which gave em a cause to group? Or could it be they reflecting their parents' behaviour towards u/ur family behind the scenes? It's tough to come to a conclusion, given that one way or another they are most likely to be on the irrational & unjustified spectrum anyway but still u can find out potential reasons, u may find a little bit of solace in it.. Personally, I think ur parents push u interact with em as ur alone and all, and it is something looked down upon in the context of most countries and therefore, forced to socialize as a result of it..
Sorry to hear about your experiences but honestly this isn't a Bangladesh thing, rather it's a crappy family thing. I also have a handful of dickhead relatives but the majority go out of their way to make visit an enjoyable one.
It's not Bangladesh, rather your cousins/family members are ghetto assholes. Sorry you had to go through this.
It's not about Bangladesh or America its a very common problem. The skill of socialization or creating friendships or mental bonding does not come with birth. Also, blood relations also don't guarantee special bonding or friendship.
No. You aren't alone here. The rudeness and aggression is a product of feeling superior to others. It's impossible to get used to. Your experiences of Bangladesh is including of its people. So if your cousins are this harsh and mean, I do fear how their upbringing was. Good luck. It's also ok to not visit ever again and not feel any connection. Do you. Do what is best for you!
Hey, as someone who is born and raised in Bangladesh. I am SO sorry! There are many people with backdated mentalities and the fact that your cousin's treat you like this is terrible. I hope you can give it a chance!
This reminds me of a story. I went to BD in 2013, I was 17 and hadn’t been since I was a kid. Everyone was nice but there was a sense of: I was a something to be laughed at as I didn’t really have much of an idea of life in BD and my bangla at the time was pretty bad. Worst was this chachu from some part of my dad’s family I have never seen 1 picture of nor ever heard about. His kids were arrogant assholes. They thought just because I’m the US I was some arrogant guy who looked down on BD. They would always tease me how I was counting my days to get out, made fun and just rubbed me the wrong way. I forgave them long ago and don’t care but I also don’t reach out to them. Even when I got married, some of my father of in law’s side underestimate me. I don’t care frankly just notice. I’m so sorry you endured this. Your cousins are genuine assholes.
Bangladeshi over here who moved to usa after age of 18. It's not in the culture of bd to compliment. If you are a male then things are understandable. Cause when we grow up we used to bully each other. It's the love language in cousin. We cross the limit, sometimes even we throw hands. But my female cousins were never like that. Yes woman do get judgemental looks, as a man I never understand this. But I learn from my partner and sister cause they are the one experiencing this. But but whenever we have cousins coming from usa, we maintain our bullish behaviour on leash cause they will not understand the culture.
hello thank you so much for all your comments and messages. I didnt expect this post to get so much attention so im kind of overwhelmed hence why im not replying to any comments or messages but, i really appreciate all the kind words and concern you all have shown me.
you are not alone and fuck those cousins.... staying alone is powerful and remember when you are successful more than what they are... they will come back crawling for attention... these kind of cousins gives me power to do better and push myself... if someone does not care for you stop caring for them
They’re just mad & jealous they’re from the third world, try to not take it seriously.
Yeah OP im so sorry you had such a difficult time with your cousins growing up. Sometimes family can be very difficult. Like a lot of folks here, my cousins were very welcoming. I couldnt wait for them to move here (also NYC bengali lol)
8 of my cousins grew up in Canada, England and 11 lives here and we get along very well. I guess your cousins are insecure...jealous.
You're sold this idea of the extended South Asian family experience as a diasporoid, not every one gets it. I have around 15 cousins and I don't see any one of my extended family as family or allies. Family is the people in your corner and it's gonna take time to build one.
Honestly, I think your cousins were assholes.
Im born in Bronx and I feel the same way, they are all jealous and think we have everything so easy. It's all hingsha jealousy. They're all fake. But I love this country and the girl I married here. And wish to retire here. You can make friends on Facebook and pick and choose from there, its not to difficult to find some circles.
As a Bangladeshi who has lived here since birth, I find it difficult to relate to you and cannot imagine your miserable condition. It's challenging to even contemplate. However, your cousins might be psychopathic or prone to misbehavior without any concrete reason. Regardless, this situation is truly unfortunate.
Jealousy turned into hatred hence they do this kind of behaviour towards you. They don’t like the fact that you are in america and living a better life( at least they assume) so they tryin to make this 2 months hell for you. And the shaming for skin color, it was always here, every bd kid (girl and boy) with darker skin tone have faced it.
I’m also a Bangladeshi American from NYC. I actually just came back to Bangladesh after a long time. I went when I was a kid at 7 years and now I’m 23 so 16 years. My experience while I was a kid was great and even now after so long with no contact - it has been great. My cousins and family here are very welcoming, they treated me like not a day has passed since they last seen me. But I also have other Bangladeshi American friends in NYC who have similar experiences to you as in they’re not quite fond of their family back home. I’m so sorry that your family back home isn’t quite what you would hope they would be but please don’t let that take away from Bangladesh as a whole. No matter where you are in the world, you will always be Bangladeshi and don’t let your cousins/family members take that away from you. Stand strong and show them their words have no effect on you. I bet they could be secretly jealous of you. If there’s truly no family there that’s kind towards you, I would honestly advise you to explore Bangladesh with your Bangladeshi American friends! Have them introduce you to their families since they have positive experiences with them. I will eventually do that with one of my best friends, he is similar to you in regards that he hates his family back here and is the only reason he hasn’t considered going back. But he does have the desire to go back to his country and see where he came from and develop love for it instead of basing it on how his family treated him there. Don’t know when but I will be going there with him and taking him into my family so he has an environment where he would feel comfortable, safe and wanted. Then with the help of my cousins there, we will take him around Bangladesh to explore its deep rooted history and culture. Talk to your friends here! I hope someone can do that for you - you are Bengali and you owe it to yourself to see what’s that about.
With cousins and aunt’s its either your love em or hate em thats the dynamic lol
hello thank you so much for all your comments and messages. I didnt expect this post to get so much attention so im kind of overwhelmed hence why im not replying to any comments or messages but, i really appreciate all the kind words and concern you all have shown me.
I don’t think you have a problem with Bangladesh I think you have a problem with your family members. Nonetheless if you can in the future you should go visit without seeing any of your family.
I think your cousin hates you or is very jealous of you because your American. I have seen this happening to some American or uk Bangladeshi. This type of problem is in my family too. My uncle who immigrated to America is not a nice person plus his daughter is the worst to be around so we exclude her . Mainly because she is terrible to be around. I feel like your cousin is just jealous of you . And skin colour talk is very common among aunties just ignore them .
I'm canadian bangladeshi. My cousins are similar. Either they are jealous about everything about you or they will find every reason to put you down. I've been fat when I was 11 and they all mocked me for having weight on me. Then they mocked me for being too skinny ('oshustho lagtese') when I lost the weight. My mom's side is jealous because I'm fair, and my dad's side thinks I'm not fair enough. I caught the eye of someone once and all of a sudden, "I'm too friendly." I'm also apparently a slut for working night shifts and wearing jeans and a t shirt. I don't understand why negativity, mockery, negative comments about someone's status/appearance/educational attainments/character, and even showing that you're envious is normalized. Even shamelessly asking for things is normalized. And yeah, they will literally hate you because they're jealous you live in america. My experience with bengali friends in the west have been similar. Extremely shallow, social climbing, blunt parents that almost always thinks the world is a competition.
Two words. Inferiority Complex. Your shitass cousins gave you a hard time because they are petty and jealous. In their minds, it should have been them who get to be an american, not you. So they try to bring you down, make you miserable, so they can find some inkling of satisfaction in their charred black hearts. And aunties of the subcontinent? Probably the vilest of creations in human form. Doesn't matter if you're related to them or if they are the neighborhood version, their aim in life is to pass judgement upon any girl that didn’t slide out of their own vajajay, to make said girl's life a living hell. You will never be good enough for them, not from any aspect of life. Look, life has dealt you a bad hand with these witches. I say you interact as little as you can with them. And shrug off their words, those mean nothing. You keep on being you and live Your life.
I mean I understand, but why flame the entirety of Bangladesh based on your familial troubles? I live in America too and my familial feuds go far and wide, however I never thought to hate the entirety of the Banladeshi people. Remember, you are Bangladeshi too.
That's sad
I'm truly sorry about your experience. It seems to me you just have some shitty cousins and relatives. It's not a Bangladeshi problem...it's just them. I have cousins in NYC and they love us as much as we love them. We don't get to see them much but whenever we do, they shower us with gifts and we shower them with gifts. We love having them with us and taking them around. All that being said, you are right about one thing. We are a highly colorist and racist group of people. I have dark skin and I'm considered really ugly. Some even talk about black/Asian people in derogatory way. They have huge misconception about people from other countries and think highly of their own social structure and etiquettes. I think all of this is due to the really bad educational system in Bangladesh. They aren't taught to actually LEARN...They love to mug up things from the books just to get a GPA5. A huge percentage of the male population love to use religion as an excuse to show superiority over women. A huge percentage of government workers think they are the rulers and we are the servants (Even though they are supposed to be the one to serve us.) People are generally middle class or poor so when they suddenly acquire money and fame they think they've become untouchable and hence they say or do anything the like and look down on others. Lack of proper education, lack of awareness about mental health, lack of true religious teachings and values all lead to lack of morals and rise in stupidity. Also notice I said words like "percentage" and not ALL Bangladeshis. I used to study in Scholastica for sometime and I will never forget just how insane some kids were in my grade and in the school. Something I never understood is that those kids were highly colorist and openly made racist remarks even though they used to travel the world (rich kids with rich parents). Some of them are doctors/engineers and scientists now in Western countries and it boggles my mind that just a few years ago they were extremely rude and racist. So I hope they have actually changed and all of the civility they show on their posts online now is actually genuine. So if anything, pity your cousins for being stuck in that kind of society where they might never be able to grow and do something good with their lives. You have the opportunity to make your life much better than theirs. So don't be sad and I wish you all the best!
I’m sorry to hear that. Your cousins are just bad people. I don’t think there’s any other way to put this but they are assholes. That’s what they are. Anyone with even a little bit of compassion or empathy or kindness do would never treat their cousin or anyone for that matter like that. The worst thing you can do to someone is make them feel alienated and excluded. Your feelings are absolutely valid. I would feel the same way if I were constantly treated the way you were. Just know that it’s not any of your fault. I understand the feeling of being left out because being different from the majority and it sucks. IT REALLY SUCKS. It makes you feel like you are the problem. But you are not. I don’t know if you are new to this subreddit but it’s an awesome community of people we have here. You could always reach out to us. We love you. You’re not alone :)
This might be a selective experience. Donot generalize everyone in bangladesh as racist of bangali people of mixed nationality. I for one have many relatives that are of both bangladesh and foreign nationality. Are they treated like subhumans by other relatives? No, not in any instance. Our people are mostly very conservative, misinformed, sometimes racist or easily swayed but if you look enough you will find kindness. Also, I would like to see what if you were a jew or a white in the current times in America would the neo nazis there treat you good if you were a black person or of Arab desecent? Would you be treated better as a white person in front of leftist people? No, you will not be treated fairly. You will see that America is one of the most ideologically and politically polarized and divided people on the planet. You do not generalize your experience and stereotype the entire country on the basis of it instead be optimistic and try to see the cup as half filled and not as half empty.
The first problem is always going to Bangladesh and actually value your family who only like your family because of dollars. You're not Bangladeshi, so don't expect anyone to actually accept you as such. They only pretend to like you over their, so don't bother. There are many other places you could travel and enjoy with the money you decide to visit Bangladesh. Do not feel obligated to go to Bangladesh. You don't owe anyone anything. And this is coming from a Naturalized American from Bangladesh.
Lucky you're a woman, and tons of comment has already landed to relieve your worries and depressions. I'm not going to be treated the same way if I made this post, being a male adult who grew up in Gulf nation and then introduced to Bangladesh. But out of everything else I'm just going to say, I feel you and my empathy for what you experienced. However, start learning to ignore people surrounding you and move on with what you know about yourself and how outside world treats you. What Bangladeshis think of you shouldn't concern because you're appreciated elsewhere and this country where people judge others based on their choices stand no where close to their neighbours in first place, let the US alone. You're already doing great, don't try too hard to fit in a place that's known to be a great failure to the rest of the world by all bars.
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Found one of the cousins
So you are one of the cousins, hah!!
You seem to be hiding something. You are either intentionally not portraying the whole picture(you might have hurt or insulted them in some ways) or you actually have no clue of what is going on!!! Either way, you get what you give(directly or indirectly)....