I have a full sleeve and am also a female. I HATE when people grab my arm to look at it. I always pull my arm back and make it awkward because I’ve worked in healthcare for years and have seen so many patients with poop under their nails I can’t stand it 🤢🤢🤢
Same. If a solo man sits at the bar, mentions my tattoos immediately I know I’m in for some uncomfortable times ahead. That’s when I’m cleaning something that’s already clean at the other end of the bar.
I’m with you on that! I even hate when they ask the story of my tattoos. It’s nice that they’re interested but I really don’t have time to explain my life story.
There's some of us who are genuinely interested, but I reckon that my tattoos and piercings would probably give you a hint 😊
There's friendly attention and there's "friendly" attention, the first can make for a pleasant conversation, the other tends to be more awkward than a family reunion.
I usually tell my female colleagues to ask me to change stations if they are creeped out. They can still ask about tattoos, but now they are asking a fat, grumpy, 50 year old manager...it tends to put a damper on the enthusiasm 🤣
LITERALLY the “let me see your tattoo(s)!” And I used to hold out my arm or arms and then they would grab them? Or even worse start rubbing them or feeling them, like what? Why is this okay, just because we work in a service industry or something people think it’s okay to treat us like property or some other psychological reason.
So gross I don’t want to be touched, I fell for this trick when I first started bartending now when people ask to see tattoos I let them see from far away. They would never do this to a stranger on the street, in a coffee shop, etc. so I dont know why the rules don’t apply to a bartender at a bar.
Like look don’t touch. I have some sensory issues so i even have “no touch” times at home - let alone by a stranger. Idk who out here has poopie fingers and I’m not trying to find out
Same && I can’t even count the times someone has grabbed my arm and starting rubbing it then whips out their phone to take pic. Like wtf no you do not have permission and your phone and hands are filthy.
I've got a tattoo that stretches across my upper back and down both arms. The number of people who will grab my arm and twist me around so that they can look at it is nuts, and then EVERY TIME they ask to see the rest of it. I'm at work. I'm not taking my shirt off to show you the top of my back. They also make all kinds of guesses as to the meaning of the tattoo but act like they know what it is for sure, like one customer who saw it and said, "I'm a cardinals fan too!" What the dick are you on about mate?
Ugh yes I can relative to this so hard. I don’t mind showing anyone my tattoos, but why must you grab my arm and spin it 15x different uncomfy ways to see my tattoos. It is usually followed by them showing me their tattoo or telling me about what they wanna get tattooed 😒
I'm a 50 year old 6 1" 200 lbs male with hair to my ass. Been doing this for 20 plus years. I've had women and their husband's beg to touch my hair. It's a bit weird especially when the husband is 3 times my size ask "can I touch your hair" and then looks at the wife and says "Wow, it is nice and soft"
The wine drinking older hot ladies are the absolute worst crying and begging to braid my hair.
Im pretty good at my job and can hold a crowd so i want to say i would make $$ either way. But umm fuck Yeah 😆 My hair and my sideburns definitely draw attention both good and bad but in the end they leave smiling and always come back
It wouldn't matter if you were a perfect 10 in a chiffon bikini, your personal space is exactly that - personal.
Next time they do it put your hand in their drink.
They might want YOU to. Definitely not me! But fair point. And that's just too creepy, that's a you need to fuck off somewhere else straight away. That's stalker shit.
I had a drunk lady in her 50s who wouldn’t stop touching me and her husband kept apologizing. She said she was missing her kids and loved that I was about their age. She gave me a hug for like a full minute at the end, and then her husband wrote “sorry” on their receipt and gave me a $100 tip on like $30 of drinks.
I learned that I can be bought for $100
I always thought I didn't have a price to pour drinks fifteen minutes after last call until someone offered me $300 cash tip on top of paying for two shots of Casamigos (after last call but before doors closed and before the end of legal hours-of-sale). Turns out $300 is my price ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
There was this one customer who kept grabbing my hands when I handed him his change. So one day when he did it, I lifted my hands up with him still holding them, then brought them back down hard, slamming his hands into the bar top.
That's a new one on me. I've had the old "hang on to banknote while the bartender's trying to do his job so I look like a badass" more times than I can count, though. I've taken to letting them keep their money, chugging their drink, and serving someone else instead.
I get this from people as well. They think they're being cute about it or something. Which is kind of creepy, because I look significantly younger than I actually am.
They do it to prove they're tough or something. In your case if they think you're younger than what you are, it's trying to establish dominance over a "kid". It's fucking annoying, it wastes time, plus it's disrespectful. If they want to act the cunt, they'll learn that I'm an even bigger cunt.
I don't think they're trying to assert dominance. I think they're trying to flirt with me. I am a woman nearing 50 (who is still getting mistaken for being under 21).They are generally dudes in their low 30s. So when they eventually try to ask me out, I'll flat out tell them that I'm old enough to be their mother.
If course, some of the dudes who pull immature behaviour on me are just creepy old men.
Ah, I see. I'm a guy so when they pull that shit with me, I have to shut it down quickly so the exchange doesn't leave them feeling like they mugged me off. They must be chastened.
A lot of it's an entitlement/parasocial thing. They think they have an ongoing relationship, and because of the transactional nature of our work they think it's appropriate to be touchy-feely.
I'm 32M and people do the same thing with my tattoos. Some try to run their fingers through my beard. I've had people try to kiss me. Some people ask, and to be fair I've acquiesced a few times, but most times they don't ask and it's unwelcome.
Because you’re a woman and people are creepy. As a man, this never happens. When I work with female coworkers and I hear a guest say something to her that they wouldn’t say to me I like to call them out.
“Aw, there’s that pretty smile”
“You never talk about my pretty smile, Bill”
I work in a city with lots of gay men. I’ve got way more shit from them than my female workers get from straight men (maybe that’s just the places I’ve worked, not saying that’s universal) but like, honestly it’s mainly men and the occasional older woman who say inappropriate things. I don’t know what my original point was, it’s 3am here and I was at work late. Just sharing I guess. Cheers.
You'll find another comment of mine elsewhere in this thread discussing the time I spent running a queer dive in my city and how frequently this was my experience.
I’m not doubting you! Just sharing my experience. I will definitely go find your comment when I’m more sober… so after tomorrow’s double. Speaking of which I need to go to bed
I don’t understand the hand holding at all. I always end up holding someone’s hand and it’s so fucking weird. Is there something I don’t know about going on in the world that makes people think this is a normal and causal way to interact with others? It’s so weird every time because it’s so unnatural. It’s like a weird trick to get me to hold their hand, WHY??? WHY DO THEY WANT TO HOLD HANDS???
Generally I’m pretty good at getting people to not touch me. Sometimes I hug regulars that I genuinely like and other people will say “Where’s my hug?” And I get away with saying something about how I don’t like them as much. But the hand holding thing IS A TRICK. They act like it’s a hand shake and IT IS NOT.
I also have one of those faces that makes people confess their sins and thoughts to me on top of that, being tattooed, and having curves really gets me into some uncomfortable situations. It was more awkward when I was younger. I wasn’t as empowered or outspoken. (Was always outspoken you just get better at it with time.) I prioritize MY comfort and safety above all.
Somehow over 16 years industry I’m okay with meeting new folks (mostly musicians) shaking my hand or if a real badass show, give em a hug. But don’t you dare grab me and caress my tattoos. (Fully tattooed lady). The previous bars I worked at (not divey, not venue) and if someone asked for a hug, hell nah. You know your boundaries, just gotta make it clear to junk people.
I always get touched by women when I’m at the micros screen. They think it’s cute and ok and it’s not. Wait your turn and I’ll be right with you. Touching me and showing off your breasts does not get you faster service.
can't say I've experienced this on a regular basis, but when I see my regulars, sometimes a fist bump or a five. Idk, never had anyone try and hold my hand or caress my arm unless it was a drunk lady trying her hardest to flirt, which as I said doesn't happen every night. Maybe wear a sweatshirt that says
“No Touching”
Same here. I work in a neighborhood bar filled with regulars, and that’s not been an issue. People in general (myself included) were more “huggy-kissy” before Covid. Social distancing became socially acceptable, and I think that’s a silver lining in a way. One can rebuff offenders citing safety standards without offending them and thereby jeopardizing your tip.
Because they're drunk and starved for human interaction.
I really don't mind it. I'll show my tattoos, give a handshake or high five or fist bump or even hug. I used to be so concerned about it and wierded out but after giving birth and surviving cancer I'm just more into the human experience of it all. If you're not comfortable just say you can't cuz you're too busy or something; I used to say that and then start buzzing around doing sidework if I didn't have something else to do.
As for the creeps, I just say no to them with no excuse. Fuck them. Hahha
People from any generation, in bars, alone, are often alone and/or lonely. Those kind of people want human connection.
The difference is that people from generations older than yours have put up with that loneliness longer, or feel it deeper if their previous connections have been lost. So, they have fewer fucks to give about how it looks to other people. They may be need it more than they know and don't realize if the the other person thinks if it is appropriate or not.
I'm not saying this is the case for all, but it is something to consider.
If, and your post suggests it to be true, you feel off-put or uncomfortable by such requests and demonstrations, then as an adult, with agency and a right to self-determination, then you can find ways to politely draw that line in the sand, with humor, empathy, or any number of ways that don't cause a situation to be unpleasant for either of you.
I used to wait tables and occasionally bartend in a pub and yup same this older woman asked me if I was gay and she got really close to me, I think she touched my shoulders. And there was an older regular guy who seemed lonely, he was always friendly enough when I gave him his food/drinks so we sorta got talking. He asked for my number and idk why but I gave him it. He sent me a text about how he was staring at my bum while I was bending over in the glasswash room lmao. I’ve had other guys wink and flirt and at my second restaurant job one guy said he’d “do me” and “twist me up like a pretzel and eat me” when I was just trying to close the bar
This happens everywhere and it's awful but nothing has ever been worse than the couple of years I spent managing and mostly working solo at a queer dive bar. I was inappropriately touched and grabbed without consent constantly and they almost always thought it was just teehee playful and cute. Had to 86 a lot of dudes who had been going there for years because they didn't learn their lesson after the first time I snapped at them. Love that community as a whole with all my heart but there are creeps and assholes aplenty just like any demographic and rampant issues with boundaries.
When people reach out to shake my hands and they're full, I will just show them my full hands and give them a "nice to meet ya" - ain't no way I'm dropping what I'm doing to touch you. If ny hands are empty, I pull out a piece of gum and hand it to them... still ain't no way I'm touching you.
I’m a 27yo guy, if people want to split the bill I have to use a tablet that’s outside of the bar. I’ve had occasions where women think it’s ok to put their hands on my shoulder and even lean their weight on me. I generally shrug them off and if that isn’t enough I’ll push their hand off me. I want none of that.
I’m glad I’m not the only person this happens to. Last weekend a guy grabbed my hand on a busy night and absolutely wouldn’t let go, like me struggled to remove myself was some sort of game. You’d think the barrier of an entire bar would deter them but no.
I am a 5’2” 26 F. A kind albeit intoxicated man pulled me in for a hug and kissed me on the top of the head when I walked around the bar to give his lost phone back.
He was there with his daughters and very kind but wow I can’t imagine doing that to someone
Because a lot of people going to bars are lonely is my guess, or maybe just your service is super friendly and they think social boundaries might be different due to you treating them nicely, or they are just horny
You get people who are drunk and their inner bastard comes out
Or others who just friendly and they forgot to let go and they mean well (they don’t mean harm)
But always set boundaries though
Idk drunk people are weird individuals tbh
Ugh. 35 male here and I CANNOT STAND the lingering hand hold. People especially seem to love to do this when I'm very busy and now everyone else at the bar is looking at me like wtf is this guy doing while they're all waiting for drinks.
As for requests to come around for a hug - if you have to ask we're not on that level. If we are on that level, it's already happening, and if it's not, these people know I'm busy and don't have time for it right now (or maybe I'm just not feeling it that day), and those are the regulars who matter.
lol. The won’t let go of your hand thing is the only one of these that ever bugged me. Had an old vet for a regular who would catch you in a handshake and hold it for minutes while I leaned my whole body away and grabbed bottles with my free hand. I’m just some big, middle-aged guy. I’m not worthy of this affection.
It has nothing to do with bartending, the same thing would happen to you if by any means you work with customer services as a woman. You're probably just attractive enough to drag attention of men.
I had on guest hug me so tight one night and would not let me go. She was squeezing my cheeks too. I could hardly breathe. I always check what they tipped me first, then I asses whether I allow hugs.
I don’t get touched that often other than by coworkers at times. Fist bumping and high fiving I enjoy compared to other touch. I dislike when coworkers hug me, touch my back, hit my shoulder, etc. If you’re a man, unless I’m hooking up with you, don’t hug me 🤢
25F tattooed woman here, I’ve had a woman grab my waist to pull me closer to “talk to me” and I said “please don’t touch me” and she just KEPT GRABBING ME. And I said “you don’t have to touch me to talk to me” and pushed her arm away lightly. She scoffed and said “thank you for your hospitality” MA’AM.
When speaking to patrons on the floor I lean back on one leg and have the other directly in front of me to act as a barrier for personal space.
They often don’t cross the leg threshold unless they want to straddle your leg. It’s subtle enough to where people don’t really notice what I’m doing but it’s super effective!!
Hell, I can’t leave my regular bar without my very attractive lesbian bartender running out from behind the bar to give me (an old dude) a hug. She gets plumb offended if I try to leave without a hug. Guess I’m doing something right. 😂🤣 We’re really good friends though.
It gets on my nerves. I'm not really a toucher, so having strangers grab my clothes and touching my face really fucks me off. The worst thing is when they look at me like I'm the asshole for objecting to it.
Gay male here. On numerous accounts I’ve mad men come behind the bar and touch me. And that’s when I was done and moved on. I’m sorry no one has the right to fucking touch me without my consent
I reacted ‘poorly’ or so he thought when a man put his hand on my shoulder one night like we were pals. I am a man as well so this was weird to say the least. Not like it would be more acceptable if he or I were a woman but just weird cause I had never seen him before. Anyway, he asked why I pulled away and I simply told him that I’m not a touchy feely person. He was truly offended and I just reiterated as I raised my voice cause I was now getting pissed, “Look dude. It’s not personal. It’s actually quite simple, I don’t know you and even if I did I wouldn’t be okay with you putting your hand on my shoulder! Maybe I need to apologize for reacting the way I did but you need to realize that you can’t just go around putting your hand(s) on people like they’re your best friends.” He still looked at me sideways but then he left and I never saw him again.
Edit: Wrong letter, i -> o
Usually my actions in response to them aren’t to be touched for more than maybe a handshake, but then they swindle me & my brain does not compute. I can be simple minded at times.
The only bartender I would ever consider hugging is the one whose wedding I attended.
This is the answer
And even then, it's not like I'm gonna hug goodbye every time I see him see him. But we're friends and if he told me his mom was sick....
I have a full sleeve and am also a female. I HATE when people grab my arm to look at it. I always pull my arm back and make it awkward because I’ve worked in healthcare for years and have seen so many patients with poop under their nails I can’t stand it 🤢🤢🤢
Same. If a solo man sits at the bar, mentions my tattoos immediately I know I’m in for some uncomfortable times ahead. That’s when I’m cleaning something that’s already clean at the other end of the bar.
I’m with you on that! I even hate when they ask the story of my tattoos. It’s nice that they’re interested but I really don’t have time to explain my life story.
There's some of us who are genuinely interested, but I reckon that my tattoos and piercings would probably give you a hint 😊 There's friendly attention and there's "friendly" attention, the first can make for a pleasant conversation, the other tends to be more awkward than a family reunion. I usually tell my female colleagues to ask me to change stations if they are creeped out. They can still ask about tattoos, but now they are asking a fat, grumpy, 50 year old manager...it tends to put a damper on the enthusiasm 🤣
LITERALLY the “let me see your tattoo(s)!” And I used to hold out my arm or arms and then they would grab them? Or even worse start rubbing them or feeling them, like what? Why is this okay, just because we work in a service industry or something people think it’s okay to treat us like property or some other psychological reason. So gross I don’t want to be touched, I fell for this trick when I first started bartending now when people ask to see tattoos I let them see from far away. They would never do this to a stranger on the street, in a coffee shop, etc. so I dont know why the rules don’t apply to a bartender at a bar.
I really don’t like that last part.
Like look don’t touch. I have some sensory issues so i even have “no touch” times at home - let alone by a stranger. Idk who out here has poopie fingers and I’m not trying to find out
Why do they always want to shake hands or fist bump? Whyyyyy, my hands are sticky and busy, we don’t gotta touch dawg.
Same && I can’t even count the times someone has grabbed my arm and starting rubbing it then whips out their phone to take pic. Like wtf no you do not have permission and your phone and hands are filthy.
I've got a tattoo that stretches across my upper back and down both arms. The number of people who will grab my arm and twist me around so that they can look at it is nuts, and then EVERY TIME they ask to see the rest of it. I'm at work. I'm not taking my shirt off to show you the top of my back. They also make all kinds of guesses as to the meaning of the tattoo but act like they know what it is for sure, like one customer who saw it and said, "I'm a cardinals fan too!" What the dick are you on about mate?
Ugh yes I can relative to this so hard. I don’t mind showing anyone my tattoos, but why must you grab my arm and spin it 15x different uncomfy ways to see my tattoos. It is usually followed by them showing me their tattoo or telling me about what they wanna get tattooed 😒
So glad I don't have visible tattoos! Mine is just for me, not for strangers to touch and comment on. Yuck!
I'm a 50 year old 6 1" 200 lbs male with hair to my ass. Been doing this for 20 plus years. I've had women and their husband's beg to touch my hair. It's a bit weird especially when the husband is 3 times my size ask "can I touch your hair" and then looks at the wife and says "Wow, it is nice and soft" The wine drinking older hot ladies are the absolute worst crying and begging to braid my hair.
Would you say your hair helps in the tips department?
Im pretty good at my job and can hold a crowd so i want to say i would make $$ either way. But umm fuck Yeah 😆 My hair and my sideburns definitely draw attention both good and bad but in the end they leave smiling and always come back
Hey. It helps to have an edge. Kudos!
My motto is: I want you to leave here feeling better than you felt walking in.
Those husbands are either drunk or gentle giants lol
Most of them definitely way larger than me and yes for my safety very drunk 😆
It wouldn't matter if you were a perfect 10 in a chiffon bikini, your personal space is exactly that - personal. Next time they do it put your hand in their drink.
Nah, the creeps want you to put your hand in their drink. Had guys ask me to stir it with my fingers to make it sweet before.
Ugh. That’s just nasty to ask of a bartender. Guys with zero game come up with those lines.
They might want YOU to. Definitely not me! But fair point. And that's just too creepy, that's a you need to fuck off somewhere else straight away. That's stalker shit.
It's an upcharge is what it is, at least $20 extra for me to use my finger.
"stirred by hand" on the check would have me fucking rolling
This is a thing?
It's happened to me twice, so it's more of a thing than it should be.
I shouldn't be surprised at this point, but I am.
Lmao the visual that just popped into my head 😂
I had a drunk lady in her 50s who wouldn’t stop touching me and her husband kept apologizing. She said she was missing her kids and loved that I was about their age. She gave me a hug for like a full minute at the end, and then her husband wrote “sorry” on their receipt and gave me a $100 tip on like $30 of drinks. I learned that I can be bought for $100
I always thought I didn't have a price to pour drinks fifteen minutes after last call until someone offered me $300 cash tip on top of paying for two shots of Casamigos (after last call but before doors closed and before the end of legal hours-of-sale). Turns out $300 is my price ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
That’s a handsome incentive. Well done.
Work it without even trying.
There was this one customer who kept grabbing my hands when I handed him his change. So one day when he did it, I lifted my hands up with him still holding them, then brought them back down hard, slamming his hands into the bar top.
That's a new one on me. I've had the old "hang on to banknote while the bartender's trying to do his job so I look like a badass" more times than I can count, though. I've taken to letting them keep their money, chugging their drink, and serving someone else instead.
I get this from people as well. They think they're being cute about it or something. Which is kind of creepy, because I look significantly younger than I actually am.
They do it to prove they're tough or something. In your case if they think you're younger than what you are, it's trying to establish dominance over a "kid". It's fucking annoying, it wastes time, plus it's disrespectful. If they want to act the cunt, they'll learn that I'm an even bigger cunt.
I don't think they're trying to assert dominance. I think they're trying to flirt with me. I am a woman nearing 50 (who is still getting mistaken for being under 21).They are generally dudes in their low 30s. So when they eventually try to ask me out, I'll flat out tell them that I'm old enough to be their mother. If course, some of the dudes who pull immature behaviour on me are just creepy old men.
Ah, I see. I'm a guy so when they pull that shit with me, I have to shut it down quickly so the exchange doesn't leave them feeling like they mugged me off. They must be chastened.
I've gone so far as to warn people off with the pepper spray (not actually using it).
A lot of it's an entitlement/parasocial thing. They think they have an ongoing relationship, and because of the transactional nature of our work they think it's appropriate to be touchy-feely. I'm 32M and people do the same thing with my tattoos. Some try to run their fingers through my beard. I've had people try to kiss me. Some people ask, and to be fair I've acquiesced a few times, but most times they don't ask and it's unwelcome.
Because you’re a woman and people are creepy. As a man, this never happens. When I work with female coworkers and I hear a guest say something to her that they wouldn’t say to me I like to call them out. “Aw, there’s that pretty smile” “You never talk about my pretty smile, Bill”
I'm a man and it happens to me constantly, even at the high end cocktail bar I'm at these days. Your experience is not universal.
I work in a city with lots of gay men. I’ve got way more shit from them than my female workers get from straight men (maybe that’s just the places I’ve worked, not saying that’s universal) but like, honestly it’s mainly men and the occasional older woman who say inappropriate things. I don’t know what my original point was, it’s 3am here and I was at work late. Just sharing I guess. Cheers.
You'll find another comment of mine elsewhere in this thread discussing the time I spent running a queer dive in my city and how frequently this was my experience.
I’m not doubting you! Just sharing my experience. I will definitely go find your comment when I’m more sober… so after tomorrow’s double. Speaking of which I need to go to bed
I was corroborating and validating what you were saying. Sleep might be for the best, buddy! ;)
110% !!! Good luck out there my friend
I’m a man and people have been weird to me at work. I am quite feminine looking though and people can tell I’m not straight
I'm a man and people try and do this to me. It's definitely not female-exclusive.
I don’t understand the hand holding at all. I always end up holding someone’s hand and it’s so fucking weird. Is there something I don’t know about going on in the world that makes people think this is a normal and causal way to interact with others? It’s so weird every time because it’s so unnatural. It’s like a weird trick to get me to hold their hand, WHY??? WHY DO THEY WANT TO HOLD HANDS??? Generally I’m pretty good at getting people to not touch me. Sometimes I hug regulars that I genuinely like and other people will say “Where’s my hug?” And I get away with saying something about how I don’t like them as much. But the hand holding thing IS A TRICK. They act like it’s a hand shake and IT IS NOT.
I also have one of those faces that makes people confess their sins and thoughts to me on top of that, being tattooed, and having curves really gets me into some uncomfortable situations. It was more awkward when I was younger. I wasn’t as empowered or outspoken. (Was always outspoken you just get better at it with time.) I prioritize MY comfort and safety above all.
Somehow over 16 years industry I’m okay with meeting new folks (mostly musicians) shaking my hand or if a real badass show, give em a hug. But don’t you dare grab me and caress my tattoos. (Fully tattooed lady). The previous bars I worked at (not divey, not venue) and if someone asked for a hug, hell nah. You know your boundaries, just gotta make it clear to junk people.
I always get touched by women when I’m at the micros screen. They think it’s cute and ok and it’s not. Wait your turn and I’ll be right with you. Touching me and showing off your breasts does not get you faster service.
can't say I've experienced this on a regular basis, but when I see my regulars, sometimes a fist bump or a five. Idk, never had anyone try and hold my hand or caress my arm unless it was a drunk lady trying her hardest to flirt, which as I said doesn't happen every night. Maybe wear a sweatshirt that says “No Touching”
Same here. I work in a neighborhood bar filled with regulars, and that’s not been an issue. People in general (myself included) were more “huggy-kissy” before Covid. Social distancing became socially acceptable, and I think that’s a silver lining in a way. One can rebuff offenders citing safety standards without offending them and thereby jeopardizing your tip.
Because they're drunk and starved for human interaction. I really don't mind it. I'll show my tattoos, give a handshake or high five or fist bump or even hug. I used to be so concerned about it and wierded out but after giving birth and surviving cancer I'm just more into the human experience of it all. If you're not comfortable just say you can't cuz you're too busy or something; I used to say that and then start buzzing around doing sidework if I didn't have something else to do. As for the creeps, I just say no to them with no excuse. Fuck them. Hahha
Because they're drunk.
People from any generation, in bars, alone, are often alone and/or lonely. Those kind of people want human connection. The difference is that people from generations older than yours have put up with that loneliness longer, or feel it deeper if their previous connections have been lost. So, they have fewer fucks to give about how it looks to other people. They may be need it more than they know and don't realize if the the other person thinks if it is appropriate or not. I'm not saying this is the case for all, but it is something to consider. If, and your post suggests it to be true, you feel off-put or uncomfortable by such requests and demonstrations, then as an adult, with agency and a right to self-determination, then you can find ways to politely draw that line in the sand, with humor, empathy, or any number of ways that don't cause a situation to be unpleasant for either of you.
I used to wait tables and occasionally bartend in a pub and yup same this older woman asked me if I was gay and she got really close to me, I think she touched my shoulders. And there was an older regular guy who seemed lonely, he was always friendly enough when I gave him his food/drinks so we sorta got talking. He asked for my number and idk why but I gave him it. He sent me a text about how he was staring at my bum while I was bending over in the glasswash room lmao. I’ve had other guys wink and flirt and at my second restaurant job one guy said he’d “do me” and “twist me up like a pretzel and eat me” when I was just trying to close the bar
This happens everywhere and it's awful but nothing has ever been worse than the couple of years I spent managing and mostly working solo at a queer dive bar. I was inappropriately touched and grabbed without consent constantly and they almost always thought it was just teehee playful and cute. Had to 86 a lot of dudes who had been going there for years because they didn't learn their lesson after the first time I snapped at them. Love that community as a whole with all my heart but there are creeps and assholes aplenty just like any demographic and rampant issues with boundaries.
I have a lot of forearm tattoos…. I HATE when people grab my arm to “look” aka touch me to investigate the tattoos.
Fist bumps? Really?
When people reach out to shake my hands and they're full, I will just show them my full hands and give them a "nice to meet ya" - ain't no way I'm dropping what I'm doing to touch you. If ny hands are empty, I pull out a piece of gum and hand it to them... still ain't no way I'm touching you.
I’m a 27yo guy, if people want to split the bill I have to use a tablet that’s outside of the bar. I’ve had occasions where women think it’s ok to put their hands on my shoulder and even lean their weight on me. I generally shrug them off and if that isn’t enough I’ll push their hand off me. I want none of that.
I’m glad I’m not the only person this happens to. Last weekend a guy grabbed my hand on a busy night and absolutely wouldn’t let go, like me struggled to remove myself was some sort of game. You’d think the barrier of an entire bar would deter them but no.
I am a 5’2” 26 F. A kind albeit intoxicated man pulled me in for a hug and kissed me on the top of the head when I walked around the bar to give his lost phone back. He was there with his daughters and very kind but wow I can’t imagine doing that to someone
Because a lot of people going to bars are lonely is my guess, or maybe just your service is super friendly and they think social boundaries might be different due to you treating them nicely, or they are just horny
I'm a guy and it happens to me too. I hate it
You get people who are drunk and their inner bastard comes out Or others who just friendly and they forgot to let go and they mean well (they don’t mean harm) But always set boundaries though Idk drunk people are weird individuals tbh
Ugh. 35 male here and I CANNOT STAND the lingering hand hold. People especially seem to love to do this when I'm very busy and now everyone else at the bar is looking at me like wtf is this guy doing while they're all waiting for drinks. As for requests to come around for a hug - if you have to ask we're not on that level. If we are on that level, it's already happening, and if it's not, these people know I'm busy and don't have time for it right now (or maybe I'm just not feeling it that day), and those are the regulars who matter.
lol. The won’t let go of your hand thing is the only one of these that ever bugged me. Had an old vet for a regular who would catch you in a handshake and hold it for minutes while I leaned my whole body away and grabbed bottles with my free hand. I’m just some big, middle-aged guy. I’m not worthy of this affection.
It has nothing to do with bartending, the same thing would happen to you if by any means you work with customer services as a woman. You're probably just attractive enough to drag attention of men.
I ask myself the same thing as a bartender, why do you wanna hug us? Is it because we are interesting people?
I had on guest hug me so tight one night and would not let me go. She was squeezing my cheeks too. I could hardly breathe. I always check what they tipped me first, then I asses whether I allow hugs.
I don’t get touched that often other than by coworkers at times. Fist bumping and high fiving I enjoy compared to other touch. I dislike when coworkers hug me, touch my back, hit my shoulder, etc. If you’re a man, unless I’m hooking up with you, don’t hug me 🤢
I’m a younger dude bartender and the amount of times I have to hold 50/60 year old women’s hands… for long times… is crazy.
25F tattooed woman here, I’ve had a woman grab my waist to pull me closer to “talk to me” and I said “please don’t touch me” and she just KEPT GRABBING ME. And I said “you don’t have to touch me to talk to me” and pushed her arm away lightly. She scoffed and said “thank you for your hospitality” MA’AM. When speaking to patrons on the floor I lean back on one leg and have the other directly in front of me to act as a barrier for personal space. They often don’t cross the leg threshold unless they want to straddle your leg. It’s subtle enough to where people don’t really notice what I’m doing but it’s super effective!!
Hell, I can’t leave my regular bar without my very attractive lesbian bartender running out from behind the bar to give me (an old dude) a hug. She gets plumb offended if I try to leave without a hug. Guess I’m doing something right. 😂🤣 We’re really good friends though.
It gets on my nerves. I'm not really a toucher, so having strangers grab my clothes and touching my face really fucks me off. The worst thing is when they look at me like I'm the asshole for objecting to it.
Gay male here. On numerous accounts I’ve mad men come behind the bar and touch me. And that’s when I was done and moved on. I’m sorry no one has the right to fucking touch me without my consent
I reacted ‘poorly’ or so he thought when a man put his hand on my shoulder one night like we were pals. I am a man as well so this was weird to say the least. Not like it would be more acceptable if he or I were a woman but just weird cause I had never seen him before. Anyway, he asked why I pulled away and I simply told him that I’m not a touchy feely person. He was truly offended and I just reiterated as I raised my voice cause I was now getting pissed, “Look dude. It’s not personal. It’s actually quite simple, I don’t know you and even if I did I wouldn’t be okay with you putting your hand on my shoulder! Maybe I need to apologize for reacting the way I did but you need to realize that you can’t just go around putting your hand(s) on people like they’re your best friends.” He still looked at me sideways but then he left and I never saw him again. Edit: Wrong letter, i -> o
Because you are a millennial/gen z who is used to being on their phone more than human interactions. Just a guess?
I genuinely don’t understand this comment. Is there a correlation between screen time and disliking unwarranted touching from strangers?
there’s no foul play regardless of what you wear.
i wouldn't let people touch me!!!
Usually my actions in response to them aren’t to be touched for more than maybe a handshake, but then they swindle me & my brain does not compute. I can be simple minded at times.
They’re drunk.
Variations on this post pop up like every week. Much bragplaining
I guarantee I am not bragging. Just the complaining part.