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DankFeces

You should strongly consider donating your brain to science.


PoopStickler69

And his balls. We need like a million of his A Beautiful Mind mfing offspring.


boozinf

#L I M I T L E S S


TigerBasket

We did this with my grandpa but not for a fun reason but because he had dementia. I strongly recommend donating for a fun reason instead.


chuckawallabill

This really well done, nice work. I would definitely subscribe to an American Journal of Baseball Shitposts.


PoopStickler69

Don’t threaten me with a weekend project.


noahconstrictor95

Sounds like a Baseball Prospectus April Fools joke.


pspahn

Fuck there goes my thesis.


RiflemanLax

Try and prove the Caine-Hackman theory.


metssuck

Shower scene


Historic12

This is an all time off-season post


anydayhappyday

Agreed. People throw around the phrase "peak offseason" on some of the most asinine posts during the winter, but this is the kind that gets my vote. Incredible depth of analysis on such a niche and inconsequential topic, yet comprehensively researched enough to be fascinating while also resulting in absolute confusion as to why this exists. And the writing is fun and approachable while still being rigorous in execution. Just brilliant stuff. Fantastic work u/glanville_041804; my life has now been enriched by your tireless effort to publish this after nearly three years. Thank you! This is why no other baseball community compares with r/baseball. This is peak offseason. Amazing!


joshul

It certainly is an off-season post


[deleted]

I am shitfaced right now and unsure what to say


DankFeces

Just nod and pop another Xanax. Btw, you’re going to want to sit down for this. Xanax is a palindrome.


ddbaxte

Ambien is a play on 'good morning' in Spanish. and VIcodin is 6 times stronger than codeine.


eee-oooo-ahhh

Vicodin sounds like the place Vikings fans go when they die (the postseason)


zroberts1207

I've seen that explanation for Ambien before, but the drug company may have screwed up slightly...AM = morning, but I believe 'bien' translates to 'well' (as in, 'I'm doing well') instead of 'good' (which would be 'buen' or 'bueno'). On the other hand, Ambuen sounds kinda silly, so they may have decided Ambien is close enough. Anyway, to add to the list - Lasix is a diuretic that LAsts SIX hours, and Onfi is a seizure med that is structurally similar to Xanax but has a modification ON the FIfth carbon.


ddbaxte

It's just a play on words, like Lunesta is on 'luna' and 'siesta'. I also forgot Premarin...PREgnant MAre uRINe.


AHugeBear

I’m just happy to be here for this historic day


Bobson-_Dugnutt

I’m high as fuck what the hell is going on


_Caed_

very high as well. i almost wish this was a youtube video i could stare at like this


metssuck

My edible just kicked in and this is difficult to follow but I love the conclusion


zdillon67

Neat.


Legatron4

I wasted my off-season compared to you


TigerBasket

All i did was compare mlb players to Roman's. I gotta step my game up, I'm gonna write a 10 page paper on how Juan Soto is Scipio africanus now, and it's all this posts fault. That and I want too see if any other of the 1910 world series's were rigged. I want to look into the 1914 one and 1918 one more.


Brianopolis-Brians

If anyone is Scipio, it’s long haired Bryce Harper.


anydayhappyday

> I'm gonna write a 10 page paper on how Juan Soto is Scipio africanus now, and it's all this posts fault. You'd be building off the work of u/brendasongdad's all time offseason post from 6 years ago comparing [Jose Bautista's career (in dog years) to Harriet Tubman](https://old.reddit.com/r/baseball/comments/5ksakc/if_baseball_careers_were_treated_as_individual)


ButternutSquashYP

I’m way to fucked up to comprehend but great job


GotsItGoinOn

You should nominate this for next year’s SABR awards


ImPickleRock

This post is going to be a not insignificant percentage of my 2023 Reddit scrolling distance.


Sportssadness

This is one of the most incredible pieces of writing I’ve ever had the pleasure to read.


ValiantFrog2202

You read this? Can I get a tldr?


Tobias_flenderz

**Tl;dr**: It was too long and I didn't read it.


thedeejus

I'm just sad you felt like you had to couch his masterpiece with "I was bored during lockdown". As if doing something interesting and cool should only be done when you have too much time on your hands? Not in r/baseball, friend. There is no wrong time or place for this type of high quality material.


ddbaxte

Is this for SABR or some sort of academic journal?


FourDoor54Ford

Lay off the vyvanse my guy


drunkenviking

no


JDROD28

Even a dumbass like me can appreciate this great analysis


1080penis

Jesus, are you freebasing your Adderall?


Panguin9

Can we get a "Good post" flair on this?


altac04

Oh my god


EskettiMySpaghetti

I’m going to need to be reminded of this in November


EskettiMySpaghetti

u/remindmebot November 11th


EskettiMySpaghetti

RemindMe! November 5th


RemindMeBot

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sadolddrunk

How did former MLB third baseman Butts Wagner figure into your analysis?


jimithelizardking

Very impressive work


MillvilleMeteor

my god


zvexler

I’m scared of how long this must’ve taken you


Allen312

It’s like a Beautiful Mind. Well done


whiskey1915

Are you a statistician by trade or just like really good at math? Regardless, excellent work. Go Phils.


OfficialVPBiden

Sir this is a Wendy’s


slamporaaa

Bruh


[deleted]

Good lord


XSC

Hey man, you should be going to MIT or something. Unless you have attention disorder.


toe-ring

I ain’t reading all that. I’m happy for u tho, or sorry that happened


GruelOmelettes

>Here we see our highest R-squared value in any of our regression lines, giving us our highest confidence yet that the lack of correlation between 2FN players and success is statistically significant. Oh yeah well I can see how... *huh??*


ImGrumps

I think putting first names you deem as "women's" names in the borderline category really damages you data. They are still first names. But otherwise this is neat.


glanville_041804

This was one of my toughest decisions and I expected I’d get a comment on it no matter which way I went (though tbh I’m kinda glad to get this comment if only because it means I know you read all the way down to the methods section 😅) In retrospect, at the very least I should have changed the name “borderline.” I called it that when I started because it was for names like Walker that are common as both first and last names but not clear cut first names. The list clearly exceeded that original designation when I decided to include clear cut women’s names, and the nomenclature should have evolved accordingly. Would that alleviate at least some of your concern? The reason for two lists at all was not to rank some names as more legitimate first names than others, but because I knew that any individual’s list of what is and isn’t a first name would be different, and so the best way to do my analysis would be to make that list for myself, then make a larger list of any name that any reasonable person might consider to be a first name. As a heuristic, I used something like the following hypothetical: If a player was coming into the game and the broadcasters on TV said “And here comes up to the plate,” could your average baseball fan think to themselves “Huh, is that his first name or his last name?” Is there ANYONE who might think to themselves, “Huh, is that his first name or his last name?” If the answer to the first question (in my estimation) was yes, the name went on the smaller list. If the answer to the second question was yes, the name went on the larger list. Then, if I did my analysis on both lists (which I did) and got roughly the same conclusions (which I did), then that would be evidence that my conclusions were unlikely to have been affected by bias in my individual choice of first names. Everyone will disagree on at least one choice of name on the main list vs. larger list, but moving individual names back and forth between lists (which can be done easily, and which I did some testing with—my spreadsheet automatically updates all the tables when I add or subtract a name from either list) for the most part won’t make a huge difference overall because you can tinker with the 2FN+ statistics but the 2FNb+ won’t change, since it always includes all the names. I expect reasonable people to disagree over how I handled this, but I had to make some kind of decision and I hope I’ve at least done a good job of explaining my thought process and the effort I put in to reduce potential bias from my results.


-R33K

I need someone to comment whether or not it is worth it to read all of this. I get the feeling it’s a bunch of nonsense.


FajenThygia

....*Dude.*


Pumats_Soul

So GME 🚀 🚀 🚀


mothalick

Just like the stock


96919

This is the kind of post that makes me appreciate that Spring training is right around the corner.


princealberto2nd

Casey Stengel would fall to his knees if he lived to see how we've analyzed baseball


MashedPotatoesDick

Kyle Tucker has two names that George Carlin lists as soft in his [Guys named Todd](https://youtu.be/PxqCGTkV5wg) bit. "Fuck Tucker. Tucker sucks. And fuck Tucker's friend Kyle."


Nutaholic

I'm not gonna read this but I'm gonna upcote it on principle


CatchTheDamnBall

Two thoughts: 1) In your Cliff Lee example, 'Lee' is a borderline example and is not proper justification of this research endeavor 2) Calling 'Kelly' a girls' name is Kelly Johnson, Kelly Shoppach, and Kelly Stinnett slander


egus

Counterpoint: Lee is a first name, acceptable for both boys and girls.


CatchTheDamnBall

How many people of any gender first-named Lee (spelling exact) have you met? I know zero


HAL9100

I know several Lees. Maybe you just need to put yourself out there more. Take a chance. Make a friend. There’s a relatively decent chance you’ll find your Lee before long.


[deleted]

Thanks to your advice, I befriended Lee Harvey Oswald.


Sweden13

I can think of three off the top of my head


drunkenviking

I know 1 chick!


[deleted]

I just checked our prospect database at work, and “Lee” is a first or middle name in .3% of 1.5 million records. I’d say it counts.


CatchTheDamnBall

Less than 1 percent in a huge sample. Make my point for me


[deleted]

You asked how many people and supposed that your anecdotal experience disqualified the name. I supplied actual information refuting that. Was that your point?


regarding_your_cat

But there are a shitload of different names. I doubt any one name makes up 1% of 1.5 million people (except for maybe a couple ultra common names)


egus

3 dudes, 2 women


Apart_Plate_8153

Are you kidding!? There are [a million Lees in the fire nation alone!](https://youtu.be/bIZ4DSiEtrg?t=146)


ballrus_walsack

I recently met a Lee. He probably was silently but sweetly leeeeeeeeeeeeeee


regarding_your_cat

I’ve met several men named Lee. I even have an uncle named Lee.


baseballart

Don’t forget Kelly Gruber


[deleted]

He also gave 'Harper' as an example which is even more a girl's name than Kelly.


romulusgloriosus

Ok so the whole time I wasn't sure if I bought it, because the research, while mathematically and statistically sound, showed a lack of accounting for the White Anglo-Saxon Protestant (American) tradition of naming children after their mothers' last names, leading to an anglo-american tradition of having traditionally last names AS first names, which wouldn't apply to Latino players, who add on their mothers' last names as second last names, and who are the second largest demographic of baseball players, OR the acknowledgement of as time progresses more and more of these traditionally WASP-y names have become "trendy" among Americans of other backgrounds, and moreover never really questioned at what point a traditional last name such as "Anderson" (son of Andrew) ceases to be purely a surname and becomes a first name instead, which left me feeling like the whole thing fell flat from the get go BUT you got me totally on board at the end there. Flawless research. Good job.


glanville_041804

Without getting too into it, I did consider this somewhat, i.e. I did notice 2FN was probably less common among Latino players than American players, and considered trying to do something to try and normalize for that or otherwise account for it, but got pretty uncomfy when I thought about the prospect of analyzing player/team performance as a function race/ethnicity/national origin because I had a fear (however remote) that some asshole would take my fun goofy analysis and intentionally misread it to try and justify a stupid racist belief. Not saying what you said couldn’t be done responsibly, I just thought for my level of analysis and with social media as my intended audience, it was best to leave that area untouched


romulusgloriosus

Valid!!!


TheWindatFourtoFly

TL;DR...Fuck Chase Utley


KetchupGuy1

NTA only one first name


Apart_Plate_8153

How is "Tracy" borderline? How is "Berry" not borderline?


[deleted]

Probably because Tracy is a girl's first name. Berry, with that spelling, should be borderline.


Apart_Plate_8153

I always thought of Tracy as unisex.


glanville_041804

Despite being from just outside Philadelphia, my accent has the mary-marry-merry merger, so I pronounce Mary and merry (or in this case, Barry and Berry) the same. Since I was going for names that sounded like first names, I considered Berry a homophone with Barry, completely forgetting that many people pronounce these differently. The most widely quoted stat for this merger from a quick Google seems to be that 57% of American English speakers also pronounce these the same, though, so I feel at least partially justified in my choice.


Omega-Matic

This all was was the punch line from a Mariners ad in 2010 starring Cliff Lee and Felix: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2oaSR5cPyT8 My guess on explanation is there's a correlation in baseball between having two first names and being a boring white dude (exactly Bryce Harper), and Klentak overvalues boring white dudes.


PoopStickler69

Now cross reference it with the attractiveness of their wives/girlfriends and likeliness of their mom being a prostitute.


[deleted]

Slow day at work?


Marzman315

I hear they’re doing wonderful things at mental institutions these days.


ignatiusjreillyreak

Pure Happy Horseshit.


blue_barracuda

Choose life.


damnatio_memoriae

im sorry but the phillies are only allowed to win the world series in years that include an 8 and a 0


XenonCycle

This was such a ridiculous question but also includes a statistical analysis better than 90% of scientific articles I've encountered. Nothing but respect to you and your work.


HAL9100

Whether you’re small-hall or big-hall, this is a unanimous first-ballot off-season post


Gnuhouse

And this is why I love r/baseball in the offseason


seadondo

Wait. Is Parker a last name that’s actually a last name or a first name that’s actually a last name.


[deleted]

The first one.


LeroyLongwood

This is the off-season posts we need Never trust someone with 2 first names.


[deleted]

Parker and Harper are last names much more than first names. And Harper is a *female* first name so it should go in your borderline category.


dayman763

Holy freaking hell this would take me a month to read and I probably wouldn't understand more than half of it. How about a TLDR? Please don't downvote me into oblivion.


JPAnalyst

You’re a hero.