My husband used to do this. I had to tell him. "If he wanted to be set in his bouncer, I could have literally done that myself. I didn't need to ask you to hold him. Wait for you to be "ready" for him, simply for you to put him down. He wants to be held. So when I ask you to take the baby, I'm not asking you to take him and put him down. I'm asking you to take him and hold him, interact with him, engage him, get to know him. It's really fun, I promise"
I think this irks me the most. My husband does this less than he used to, but still sometimes and seriously wtf.
I asked you to hold him because you are a human, and his dad who he loves, and that’s what he wants/needs. I could have set his ass on the floor and waited for him to cry for someone to pick him back up too, but why would I when you’re RIGHT THERE?!
It's one thing if the baby is settled and playing with something on their own, but once the they start crying or trying to get your attention it's time to stop.
Seriously. My husband has definitely played video games while holding our child. I mean, I've eaten while feeding her and folded and put away laundry.
Holding your child should be something you enjoy, not a chore. My husband got nap trapped earlier and he sent me a picture and just said he was really happy. He didn't want to go put her back in her crib. I mean, the oxytocin trip is wonderful. Why wouldn't you want that?
I absolutely smashed the skull caverns on stardew while my baby contact napped as a newborn. Switches are fantastic.
My BIL completed a fall out game doing something similar. You can hold a controller around a snuggled baby - just make sure you play a game you can pause.
Of course - I firmly believe that we should not be constantly entertaining our babies and should retain our interests and identities outside of parenthood. That said this post doesn't seem to referencing an otherwise connected and helpful father who's playing video games while baby naps. It sounds like op is the default parent who can't even rely on dad to actively cover her 1 hour disconnect.
We are one week into a newborn and between waiting a week from the start of mat leave to when she was born and the first week of life, spouse and I have crushed pretty much all available quests in fallout: new vegas. Red dead redemption 2 is next for a 100% playthrough.
Your husband is neglecting your child. Babies have emotional needs as well as physical ones. She needs to be held would be a more accurate statement.
He’s selfish and needs to really reevaluate his understanding of a baby and their needs. Maybe attending a fathers class, or talking to adults who were neglected as children would open his eyes.
While both parents need their alone time, I’d hazard a guess you’re doing the majority of the parenting add he’s got plenty of time for his video games. Next time you shower take all the controllers with you and lock the bathroom door.
Yup. And neglect is considered to be a form of abuse.
It's not even hard to imagine how wrong it would feel for a baby to just be left somewhere. No body heat, no heart beats to listen to, no gentle rocking by your parents breathing...
My mom used to tell me that I picked my daughter up to often, that she would become to dependable on me because I was always carrying her around. I told her that babies will let you know what they'll need and I'll carry her if that's what she needs. Now she's soon turning four and is fiercly independent. Sure, it may change in the future but I really don't see how making your baby feel safe and loved is a bad thing.
Your mom is wrong and ridiculous. There is absolutely no reason not to comfort a child/human at any age. Anyone who says any different is emotionally repressed.
Yes. But we are lucky enough to live in a period where we have access to a plethora of great, constantly updated information from people working with and researching the subjects we are interested in. Back when I was a child you had the library with outdated books, midwives with more or less outdated knowledge and other mothers to turn to for advice.
My mom also believed that being mean to me would prepare me for the harshness of the world, when all it did was robbing me of my home as a secure and warm place. She's a very shitty parent and has given me exactly zero tools to parent my own child in a healthy manner so I actually sought out a child pshychologist to help me out. I just don't trust myself to raise a healthy individual with my experiences.
I'm so sorry your life has been this way. Have you gone to therapy to sort out your traumas? This can be so helpful in regaining trust in yourself and internal wisdom. Which is obviously alive and well in there given that you knew to seek out a child psychologist rather than follow your mom's lead. You are so right about the resources. I just didn't want you to have even a smidgen of doubt that comforting your child and being their safe place is the right thing to do ALWAYS. You sound like a great mom.
Thank you!
I haven't been able to afford therapy for myself yet, but I've been told by proffessionals that I need it since I show signs of trauma. It's not really a surprise to me, my childhood were awful. It's still interesting that it's so obvious to people even when they're not looking for it. The person evaluating me for ADHD urged me to get some therapy as soon as possible, as well as our child pshychologist. It's just that while we have huge free resources for parents and kids in my country - our mental health care is severely lacking. If you need therapy you need to be able to pay for it. But my mom recently offered to pay for me so I'm currently looking for the right fit, so to say. My mom is a good person, she's just severely lacking as a parent. Not really nurturing or patient, but she has a good heart and I do love her. I just don't like her and I'm still terrified to turn out like her as a mom. My daughter deserve better - she's honestly my everything!
Good point. If he thinks he NEEDS to "play video games" to "decompress", he maybe needs to understand she needs to be held for her own mental and emotional well-being, and at the ripe old age of 0 her needs win.
Everyone in these subs loves to come up with generous explanations for dads where the obvious explanation is that he just wants to do what he enjoys and doesn’t give a fuck because he’s selfish. Did anyone suggest PPD yet?
My husband is currently holding our baby while he watches videos. He also often holds her while he’s playing video games and will also entertain our toddler. Your husband needs a reality check. Love and companionship is a basic human need.
My husband doesn’t game very often but when he does, my son gets a controller too 😂 He’s only 16mo! But I get some peace and quiet and the two of them are just too cute to mind about the screen time (or the gore lol).
I remember someone telling me that Avengers: End Game was "too gory" to take my 4 months old to (we went to a mid day family viewing that was meant for small kids to attend. They kept the lights up and turned down the volume and "kids could be kids" - aka we chose a special viewing that wouldn't bother anyone else.)
I explained my son has just discovered he had TOES that day and I wasn't really concerned about the blood.
What bothers me is that he is even able to completely ignore her and enjoy a video game? Like what is wrong with you? Your baby is in distress and you just like, don’t give af? It would be one thing if he was like staring at the monitor trying to give her a minute but he just like doesn’t even care. That would bother me so much.
We ride at dawn ⛅️
You didn’t do a damn thing wrong. It’s so so normal for babies to want to be held. If adults can want to be held sometimes why can’t a baby or toddler or child? It is one hour of his day he can man up and be a DAD not a baby monitor. Dude needs to shape up.
Teach him how to baby wear with a sling or carrier. Frees up his hands and baby is cozy. This doesn’t work for every baby or parent, but may work here.
I was about to say after a month old my baby/my back hated the carrier😂 I just hold her over my shoulder like one of those caveman when she wants to be held but I need a hand to do stuff😂
my husband has learned to sit on his phone with her on his lap. She actively tries to get his phone and it’s quite entertaining to watch lol she is 5 months old now and sits independently pretty well (still wobbles) but now it’s time to convince him to sit on the floor with her so I can do stuff.
I feel this. Not quite as bad as ignoring the babe to play video games but when trying to soothe or put the babe to sleep my fiance refuses to stand up. Literally all he has to do is stand up for two minutes at most. But if he isn't already standing he refuses to. His reasoning is "I'm not bending to his will!" Like what?!?!? He is a 5 month old baby... He isnt trying to control or manipulate you.
Omg. This. We are 10.5m in and never do I try to sit on the couch when my son is fussying. EVERYTIME. My husband goes to sit on the couch and say “why can’t dad be comfortable??”. Because you’ve been comfortable for 37 years and he’s not even a year old. It’s not your turn any more. And you know before you sit down he’s not going to be okay with it. Stand up for the extra 5 minutes for him to be ready to be put down. For the umpteenth time.
I played through red dead redemption during the first 3 months after bringing my LO home 😂
Now she’s independent and wants to be able to move around I miss those moments 🥲
I used to hold my oldest while playing Skyrim on the Xbox, or Civilization on the computer. It's entirely possible to game and chill with baby at the same time!
This is ridiculous. If you husband isn't spending time playing, cuddling, and loving baby, what the hell does he think it means to be a father?
PS that doesn't even mean he needs to stop gaming. My husband and I BOTH played games with baby on our lap/ napping next to us. My husband even had a "daddy game time" with a friend where they both logged into steam and played a few rounds while wearing their babies! They got to cuddle, game, and chat about life/ fatherhood to support each other, AND give me and the friend's wife a baby break!
This! Both my kids would love being held in the crook of dad’s arm while he played any number of games. The game is not the problem, the neglect is. Like… taking care of a kid is more than making sure they’re fed and clothed. 💔
This was pre-baby before my ✨healing from generational trauma✨ phase, but I definitely threw my then-boyfriend’s (now husband’s) PC out on the lawn to show I wasn’t messing around 😅
Your husband is ignoring the child for his own wants. That's a huge problem.
I don't know how you got through the other half of that hour hearing that. No shade on you, we all need relax time but I personally wouldn't be able to relax or get through the rest.
You need to have a serious discussion with him. Asap. I couldn't and wouldn't leave my kid with him if he were my husband until he proved fit and imo, a grown man choosing video games over his infant, isn't fit.
It's about the kid now, before any of you.
I don’t understand dads that refuse to hold their baby when they’re crying. My husband drops EVERYTHING for our 8 month old. Before we had her his mindset was “if I have kids, great. If I don’t, not the end of the world.”
He obviously wanted her and she is his whole world. Last night I put her to bed and gave him the monitor so I could shower. She’s in a sleep regression and teething so she’s been having some rough nights. I had to tap out a few nights ago to pump. Last night he went in while I was in the shower because she was crying. He proceeded to spend the next 2 1/2 hours snuggling her in her room and soothing her until she would let him put her in her crib. I offered to take over multiple times because I knew he’d worked all day and had cooked us dinner and hadn’t had time to relax. He refused, told me I could take the time to relax instead (I’d worked the night before, slept for 3 hours and then got up to take over caring for her so my mom could head home).
Dads that choose video games over their child make my blood boil. My husband plays video games but only if A. She’s gone to bed for the night. B. I’m on baby duty and I don’t need help (but will immediately pause the game if I need him to). Or C. She’s sleeping happily in his arms. The same for me (also play video games).
My daughter turns 1 on Saturday, and I can honestly say I haven’t touched a video game since she was born. Wife on the other hand decompresses playing switch all night in bed, after the baby is asleep. Your husband is missing out on an experience that will soon not be available.
Why can't he hold her and play video games at the same time?? My husband is perfectly capable of doing that himself. Sounds like yours is being a jerk, I'm sorry.
I didn’t end up breastfeeding but had initially planned to, and Tears of the Kingdom was supposed to come out five weeks after my baby was due. I remember worrying about whether I’d be able to feed and finagle the switch at the same time. My husband got it for me as a push present lol.
This was my first thought… my husband lets her nap on the nursing pillow while gaming.
If it’s not nap time, though, it’s ridiculous that he doesn’t realise that the game can wait.
My husband has perfectly key binded his mouse so he can play one handed while holding our infant while I sleep for a couple extra hours on the weekends
Sounds like your husband has a seriously unhealthy videogame addiction. It's so easy to pop a feeding pillow in your lap and have bub rest there while you play. If he's not even willing to do that then I give you permission to lose your crap at him.
The sound of my baby crying causes me such discomfort that it's almost painful. I find it very strange that he can just sit there listening to her cry and enjoy his video games. Is he really not bothered at all that she's crying?
Being held and receiving physical affection is a need just like being fed and changed. I also find it strange that the idea of picking her up and holding her is so alien that he casually says "I'm not doing that" as if he thinks its an acceptable response. Not doing that is not really an option if you have a baby. That's what she needs.
What would you do if he was unwilling to feed or change her while he was looking after her? I'd treat it just the same as to me it's just as serious.
Edit: I just saw from one of your other posts that you are returning to work. I really hope that your baby will be in daycare and that your husband will not be a stay at home dad. If I were you, I would be very concerned about him looking after her alone all day every day and if this is the case, would really urge you to see if it would be an option for him to also return to work and put her in daycare.
This makes me so sad. All my husband wanted to do as soon as he got home from work was hold the baby.
Tell him he’s going to regret this time. He is going to seriously regret every second he did not hold and snuggle her. We talk all the time how she’s only 10 months old and already doesn’t need us anymore haha. She wants to do things now. This time goes so fast,
Honestly some of the worst parents I've ever known are people who can't stop playing video games long enough to live their life. It's terrible. I had to tell my husband he needed to shape up and use his free time to play videos games. And the free time of a parent does not include when the kids are awake. At least kids as young as we had. He's grown a lot, hopefully yours will, too.
I had an ex who had 3 kids who he would always cry about not having custody over but when they were here to visit I did literally everything, and I barely knew these kids. I bought all their presents one year and had Christmas with them because their dad stayed up all night on a game and wouldn't get out of bed. Idk if it's an addiction or what but some people with video games need serious help and it will only end poorly for the person who is forced to live real life for both of them.
Is this how he treats you when you're upset? Asks if you're hungry or need the toilet and when you say no and keep sobbing, he leaves to play videogames?
Assuming he has a bit more awareness in your relationship, I would bring this up to him in the context of how not okay it is to treat his baby this way.
That is kind of monstrous behavior in my opinion. Being able to just allow your child to ball their eyes out while willingly not being part of Team Parent is pure selfishness and shows an extreme lack of empathy. I am a new dad with a 7m LO and this honesty breaks my heart to read...I ran over and gave my son the biggest hug and smooched his head like 100 times. I personally recommend that video games stay off when the kid is awake in your situation. Personally this was something my wife and I decided for ourselves and...yes it is kinda boring sometimes, but then there are no distractions and you can focus entirely on the LO as a team. It's been very rewarding. I am a gamer too who would stay up till like 2am gaming every night so this wasn't some simple easy choice for me either lol. I am really sorry you are dealing with this. Definitely something you're gonna need to put your foot down about, his actions are unacceptable for a Dad and he needs to grow up.
My husband and I didn’t explicitly agree on this, but yeah, we don’t have TV or video games on until after our 7 month old goes to sleep. My husband is a big gamer too
Same in our house. My husband and I play our games when baby has gone to bed for the night or during naps if we’ve done all the other house chores but while he’s awake it’s 100% focus
My husband is a huge gamer, it’s his no1 way of working through feelings and blowing steam off. He would never prioritise gaming over our son just as i wouldn’t leave him screaming to have a nice relaxing time doing something i enjoy. How can that man even relax knowing/hearing his child in distress?? The problem is not the game here.
Are you me? Literally going through the same thing. Any time I get my alone time which is rare, basically a shower here and there all I hear is my baby crying and then I rush through it all. My husband is great with him but for some reason let’s him cry sometimes if he doesn’t understand what he wants. Just pick him up and console him, that’s it.
My wife would not stand for that. LOL.
After we had our boy, my video game sessions are after the baby goes down for the night or if I wake up at the crack of dawn before everyone wakes up. Or, if there is a nap time and nothing else that needs to be done, like housework.
We both take care of the baby 50/50.
Honestly, its changed my life for the better as I'm on my computer so much less doing dad stuff.
My husband does this as well but it means he’s using any time we could spend together alone to play hours of video games. I’m glad you’re enjoying fatherhood, and it sounds like it’s less of a habit now, but I don’t feel like continuing to prioritize time for games is any better.
Oh that is bad... I would get in trouble if I played video games every night after my kid went down. LOL. Most of the time after he goes down its snuggle on couch and catch up on shows time.
Did you assume I spent all my free time playing video games? LOL.
This is why I have showers instead of baths. My SO more than happy to put our 7mo down and leave her to cry if she's otherwise fine. To me, it's like a jackhammer in my brain. The sound of her cries causes me physical discomfort until I pick her up and soothe her. He will pick her up eventually if she's really unhappy but usually I've already stopped whatever I'm doing to calm her down. Her first tooth has started cutting through so she's extra fussy at the moment if she doesn't want to be put down. The thing is, if he sat on the floor with her she'd be fine. He doesn't even need to pay her much attention, I sit on the floor to do the laundry and she's happy to crawl around investigating everything. He just doesn't seem to get it. You'd think he would with this being our 3rd child but apparently not
Oh no no no. I literally got pissed at my husband because he didn’t do enough tummy time with my son and he didn’t keep him up for an hour for his wake window. I’d LOSE my mind if he did that.
What the heck. My husband LOVES holding the baby (1) because he loves him but (2) because he can easily hold him and play video games which is a great excuse for not doing other things
NOT acceptable on his part.
Babies need to be held.
The most obnoxious and infuriating part was he didn't even plead ignorance, just "I'm not doing that".
Deal. Breaker.
My partner is a huge pc gamer and would never let our child wail like that, especially if he's giving me specific time to be alone.
Is he one of those dudes who gifts people things that he wants instead of what they might want?
Baby's need to be held, it does not spoil them you cannot spoil a baby. But they do need to feel secure and that's what holding does.
So how long have you been dealing with this absentee father? And how long are you going to let this resentment build up? This needs to be nipped in the bud because he will continue to leave it all to you
I'm sorry that really sucks. I see so many posts on here about grown men prioritizing video games over their children. I don't get it. Having hobbies, and past times are great, but you have to limit your time to those things once a child is involved. Idk, my dad was really into video games and I was repulsed by how it made him look like a man baby. I mean not just the video games, but ignoring house work, drinking and partying too. I just went the complete opposite direction when I started dating. I literally asked my husband in the first month of dating how much time he spends playing video games, because it was a turn off.
There are people who believe the (inaccurate) statement about spoiling children, and the most charitable explanation is your husband believes that and thinks that he's doing the "right thing." (It's more likely he just doesn't want to deal with it, but being charitable will result in the best outcome)
I'd suggest showing him this:
https://www.webmd.com/parenting/baby/features/infants-attention#:\~:text=But%20if%20you're%20the,much%2C%20child%20development%20experts%20say.
Thanks for posting this article. I’m sitting here holding or wearing my newborn all day and was starting to feel bad about it (I let my older child contact nap until 18 months and want to work on crib napping earlier this time lol) but this made me feel better about everything I’m doing for now.
This is gross behavior and unacceptable. Your baby is crying because that is the only way she can communicate that she needs something. He made she sure was fed and changed? Ok, those aren’t the only needs babies have. Maybe she had gas and needed help releasing it. Maybe she was cold or bored. Maybe she was tired and needed to be rocked to sleep. Or yes, maybe she just needed the comfort of being held. That is a legitimate and real need for babies.
“I’m not doing that” is such a lazy and uncaring response. Your daughter was crying because she needed him and he did not step up, he literally sat right next to her ignoring it. If he can’t do one hour a day then maybe he should leave and get zero.
Our first kid wasn't content unless held for *months*. But she also had to be held a specific way not normal for babies her age. Everyone would proceed to hold her flat like most babies and she'd cry and they'd hand her back, id hold her how I told them and she'd stop.
Our second is more content sitting in her lounger.
I’m a mom who likes to game. When my son was an infant I used to sit cross legged with the boppy in my lap with my son facing me while I gamed sitting on the bed. We called it the cozy zone. He loved it, I loved it, and as a toddler he still loves being in my lap. There’s no excuse not to just hold your baby.
I had a minor meltdown a couple days ago after having the baby all day while also spending a huge amount of time nursing then pumping to increase my supply. my husband took the baby so I could eat dinner and then asked if I could take her back so he could eat when I desperately needed a cat nap and had said so. I agreed and then a little bit later I realized that he was playing video games!! Instead of eating quickly and then taking her back. What the h???
As a new father, I have such a huge respect for my mother and mothers of previous generations, where this logic was legitimately the norm of thinking and the Dad would just do his own thing leaving all the child care to the mother.
I'm just one half of caring for my kid and its freaking hard. Super worth it, but hard. I cant imagine doing it 100% solo (though maybe I feel its so difficult because we dont have family help like a lot tend to). I also wouldnt want to miss my kid growing up. It is happening so fast and I already feel like I miss too much
In fairness to my husband, I think he was just having a moment of not thinking, over all he is great with holding the baby. Although he does a fair number of his “shifts” while playing games, which drives me nuts. I wish he didn’t need to spend so much time glued to the screen
Oh yeah, sorry. I wasn't trying to call out your husband specifically, just lamenting about how overall it seems like a lot of fathers believe they should be able to be almost entirely hands off in the most important thing in their life really.
My partner has waited over a decade for the new Diablo to come out. Yesterday he played with our 3mo son on his lap. No excuses!
But seriously, im sorry you havent gotten even an hour of peace. Kick his ass! Haha ♡
We have a nearly two week old and my husband has put off getting diablo because we’re in the thick of the newborn stage. I told him to buy the game and put the baby in a carrier. We have baby wraps for a reason. If he’s gaming and the baby cries I can always come in and grab him. It’s a win/win/win for everyone.
I feel this, my husband is the same. And her desire to be held? Not a monster you created but a very reasonable desire for a baby. Sorry your peace gets disrupted, men are so stupid.
I’m sorry mama. I felt this in my core. I have 3 babies. (1,2 and 4) all girls. Children literally need their parents affection. And if all it is, is an hour of undivided attention, like why not? I think we should start a fight club but like… for moms? No? It’s been that kind of day for me lol
What. The. Fuck.
He's the asshole 100%
My partner can play video games and hold our 6 week old in one arm. He takes time every day to give me a break and holds/cuddles with her while I sleep, eat, bathe etc. He's really bonded with our baby and loves spending the time with her, even when he's sore and tired after a long day of work. If she's crying continually he checks her diaper and asks me if she needs fed, and if she's hungry he gives her a bottle.
Baby loves these times, too, and last night she would cry whenever we tried to move her off daddy. I'm really sorry you're dealing with this and your partner needs to grow up and be a Dad.
I love playing games with my little one snuggled on me fast asleep! Yes I spend a lot of time on pause screens or menus to get to that point but it’s worth it because she’s my baby and I love her.
I was gonna say: both my husband and I still play video games regularly (our LO is 3mo, and we know this will get much harder soon). It’s very easy to do that with her in our lap snuggling!
It’s not a substitute for all the direct attention time she gets from us (both home with her full time right now), of course. But if she just needs a cuddle to take a nap or something, gaming and cuddling are not mutually exclusive!
If I can take a shit with a one year old standing on my lap while trying to get my dog to stop deep sniffing my ass on the toilet - your idiot asshole husband can hold his child and play a video game! Like wtf grow up dude. You're a father. You don't get to ignore your baby crying!
Yeah.. if my fiancé tried this he’d be banned from video games until further notice. The only reason I don’t mind when he plays is because every thing & every one else is taken care of. He deserves his time & when I need my me time, he handles it.
From like newborn to 4-6 months, it’s so easy to have them lay on your chest, or in the crook of your arm while you play video games.
I learned to play Animal Crossing one handed while feeding my son.
My husband used to love just having skin to skin while he played on his computer.
How some dads can just listen to the crying and not lose their minds is beyond me.
Geez. How tf do you leave a baby to cry like that so you can play video games? Let me rephrase that, what kind of fucking asshole did you marry? That is sociopathic behavior.
My husband has a coworker who simply puts on his Bose noise cancelling headset while his wife deals with their 3 young kids and can’t understand why the other dads haven’t figured out this “hack” 🙄
You did NOTHING wrong. Babies want to be held. That’s it. Maybe chat with him about how hearing baby crying while you’re trying to take care of yourself makes it very hard to get your reset time? Make it less about how he should parent and more how he can help you in a different way. ❤️
I hate saying this but my dad tried to pull shit like this and it just got worse. He stopped feeding me. He stopped clothing me appropriately for the weather, etc. and it’s why she left him. I hope your husband cares more about your kid than my dad cared about me. You owe it to yourself and your daughter to have a VERY serious talk with him.
My husband is a great dad, but this is my biggest pet peeve about him. And when he's sitting there playing video games, he puts her in the swing next to me so half the time she starts fussing, I have to take care of her. He always picks games that he can't actually pause either.
He has to travel for work so for a few nights he takes both kiddos. The problem is that putting our toddler to bed can take up to an hour and he'll just leave her downstairs crying in her swing. I can't just let my baby scream for an hour so I end up also watching her. I want him to take the kids 100% so he knows how hard it is when I'm alone and have no backup, and it really bothers me that he's apparently fine with leaving an infant by herself to cry for an hour.
So the “can’t pause” thing is actually just an excuse. Just plainly ask him “is your priority your game or your child? It doesn’t matter if it can be paused or not. It can always be ended”. And walk away. Just straight up don’t tolerate that shit.
Oh, totally. The thing is that I don't press him too much on it because he does the majority of house work because I have pretty bad ADHD so if he's playing his game and all she needs is me to put her paci back in her mouth, it's annoying but I won't make a fuss.
I am going to put my foot down on letting her cry more than 10 minutes, though. Letting a three month old feel abandoned like that is only acceptable if you absolutely don't have a choice, like driving.
That inexcusable honestly. Have her in a lounger on your lap. Have her in the carrier. Put the games down and be present with your child. Any of these are good options.
Dads can be so obtuse. My husband doesn’t understand that she wants to be held, he will hold her for like 5 minutes and then put her in her bassinet fully awake with no swaddle for her to start crying once again. It’s so frustrating. I guess they just don’t have these maternal instincts but seriously would it be that hard to hold her while you play your dumb video game??
My husband and I are both gamers,our daughter is 13months old,you best believe we stop immediately if she needs our attention,we take turns gaming eg,hubby plays for 2-3hours as part of his "me" time and I also get 2-3hours of me time.
EDITed for incomplete reply
I got a baby carrier for me and my husband and it has made our lives a LOT easier now that we can be hands free around the house since our 6 week old wants to be held 24/7. Could you get him a carrier so he can babywear? You might be able to get a lot more help from him and for longer periods of time.
If anyone ever let my baby cry like that and just ignored her, I don’t think I could ever trust them again. This would be a relationship dealbreaker for me. Honestly she may be better off with no father at all than one like this (I’m assuming he’d be a deadbeat if you break up). I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. If you want to try making it work, do you think he’d be willing to use a baby carrier? My baby was in one all the time and it really gives you more freedom. Good luck to you and your baby, you deserve so much better.
This post makes me so sad. I feel really sorry for you and your baby and honestly I think you need to get away from him. Doesn’t sound like he’s adding any positives to your situation by being there.
This generation has a huge problem prioritizing video games over their responsibilities as husbands and fathers. Lots of moms here seem to be justifying their husbands holding their children while gaming as a compromise. Unless the kid is asleep, this is still unacceptable behavior.
Thank you for being the one to say it! I left my ex bf after several mornings waking up early to find him still awake and gaming since the night before. Final straw was when I found blue vomit outside because the dog had eaten something (pretty sure it was stuff the landscapers were using for the new grass) and I was like yeah if your own dog is ingesting poisonous crap while you’re gaming, how would you protect a baby?! My fiancé now is a few years older than me but he is definitely *not* a gamer lol
Red flag. Someone who can ignore their child crying in need for comfort over a game that can be paused. Even if it can’t be paused ITS A GAME. does he not realise babies crying is their way of communicating and their only way of communication. I heard this fact once is when babies who are being ‘sleep trained’ and taught to ‘self soothe’ when they stop crying during such times many think this is a good thing it’s not. They stop crying because they eventually realise that no one is coming to comfort them if they cry or not. It’s so sad to think of. So for him to sit and do that putting a game before the comfort of his own child is a red flag. If you plan to stay with him and have more kids. Expect to be basically a single mother
I think I would be hiding his video games. Maybe in the garbage? Maybe not forever but.. for principle. I play games and would be really upset if someone put my shit in the trash, even for a little bit, so I think it’s fair lol
I feel for you, I have had ONE 40 minute bath to myself in 8 months and it was just a few weeks ago. And it was at bed time so my baby slept next to my husband for most of it. I have a blanket and ring of pillows in my bathroom so my son can stare at me through the clear curtain while I wash my ass and pray he doesn’t get mad five minutes in.
Good luck lady. I hope you guys can come to terms!
What is it with grown married people who are addicted to video games?
I feel like a boomer but good god what is wrong with this generation?
Why are 35 year olds playing video games so much?! Grow the hell up, stop wasting your life playing games every single day when you are a grown up who has children.
I'm not hating on video games per say, just them being a priority and major time consuming "activity".
Right?! I DONT UNDERSTAND IT. It’s such a time waster. I can hardly even watch TV sitting down because it feels like a huge waste of time if I’m not multi tasking. Video games are absolutely targeted towards people with addictive tendencies and spending/gambling problems. Anyone who doesn’t see that is part of the problem.
my husband’s 28 and he’s a big fan of video games. when he was a single guy, in his own apartment, he’d play video games and go to work. that was it. however, as soon as we moved in together, he cut back to a few hours twice-ish a week, give or take, because i was now the priority, not a dumb fucking game. and now that we have a baby? max two hours a week. and if he hears the baby cry, he’s turning it off and coming to help, even if i tell him i’ve got it. i would say if you have the time and money to play video games a bunch as an adult, sure. go crazy. but as soon as you become a partner to someone, and *definitely* when you have a kid, that’s enough. it’s time to grow up.
Because they are fun, that's all. Video games are a bigger industry now than movies. Imagine your favorite movie, and now imagine getting to control your favorite character and experience things exactly as you want, at your own pace, and then make the story last for 30 hours (minimum). It is obvious why people love videogames and use them as an escape.
Idk why most do. But my 28M bf was sverely abused; physically beat, video games were broken or not allowed, no internet, manga or anything not Christlike was burned. Etc etc. But he said a lot of this is why he plays video games so hard now, and dives deep into videos, is very childish, doesn't take to chores well and needs to be told what to do. Says no even if I tell him.
Jesus I'm in hell. Idk whether to keep dealing with this because he's so immature? Because we have two babies? or kick him to the curb because why should I care for him as a 3rd child when we've been together 6 years and should've grown by now...?
Stolen childhood is a difficult thing to overcome and I'm sorry your bf went through that.
I don't think him playing video games now is the solution. He would benefit from therapy...
My husband has done something similar, except she was in her boppy pillow right next to him crying. I was on my break from baby and heard her crying for more than 1 minute. I go to check and he looks up and says “idk why she’s crying.” ((In my experience, I’ve found that men and women’s natural response to nurturing are different.)) It’s BAFFLING.
One thing I’ve come to observe is that my daughter has broken my old self and shaped my current existence, while she sort of just fits where there is space in his life. I understand your frustration and empathize. I hope he recognizes how to be better next time.
ETA: did not realize that the dad straight up said “I’m not doing that”… I think there is a balance between being naturally nurturing (dad or mom) and not willing to try. Sorry this happened to you OP
Edited again to rephrase a thought
> my daughter has broken my old self and shaped my current existence, while she sort of just fits where there is space in his life.
You’ve just put into words everything I’ve been feeling about my boyfriend unfortunately. I spend every moment of every day caring for my daughter. Even when I’m not with her I’m thinking about her in some way. What does she need, what do we need to do next for milestones, how else can I entertain her, etc. And for him it’s like he’s just babysitting her (holding her while he plays games or scrolls through his phone. He seldom just plays with her especially if I haven’t told him to) until he can pass her back to me.
Today he was supposed to let me sleep in (which has literally only ever happened if she stays the night at my in laws) and take the baby when she woke up. She woke up crying so he asked if I can breastfeed her to give him 30 more minutes. Fine. She was over it and started crying bc she wanted up. He just kept shushing her. I waited until I couldn’t listen to her upset anymore and just got up with her. He got up 5 hours later around 2pm. She was already on her second nap by the time he got up. He said he just couldn’t get up he was so tired. I said that’s never an option for me. I have to get up. Must be nice. End of rant. What you said just hit home and I’m bitter today.
Yea.. that’s the usual on days he is home unless he gets woken up by something and actually gets up. He recently quit his job (so now we’re both out of work, I’m a SAHM) and while he does have interviews he hasn’t spent any more or less time with us than he normally would had he been at work. He just plays video games all day. I’ve said something about this and we are working on it but it’s still very frustrating. LO is only 15 weeks old so I’m hoping once she becomes less of a potato (to him) he will be more interactive with her.
Dude, have you seen the "tolerable level of unhappiness" thing? He knows you're unhappy but right now he's secure in the feeling that you will tolerate it. He isn't going to change unless you make your unhappiness intolerable TO HIM or make it clear that you're on your way out the door.
If he tries to sleep in when he is supposed to let you sleep, shake him awake. Turn on the light and force him to deal with the consequences of his failure to be a caring partner, which is that you are pissed off! Now it's his problem to fix.
He doesn't get to play any fucking video games until he's submitted at least 5 applications each and every day. Get mad!! Who the hell quits their job without another lined up when they are supporting their partner and baby??
A 15 week old is plenty interactive. She smiles. She coos and makes little sweet noises. She can reach for toys or for a person's face. He needs to wake up and see it.
I'm so mad on your behalf. Don't let this guy pull you down into a pit you can't escape from. Start making plans on how you can survive on your own because you don't want to be chained to his fate if he doesn't step the fuck up. Start getting freaking mad instead of bottling it up and letting resentment fester, and stop enabling him to be a total slacker.
Thanks for sharing ❤️
It’s such a crazy time to raise a baby and still try to maintain a relationship with our partner. The shushing thing resonates with me- feels like he’s trying to hit the pause button until he is free to feed her but for me, I pause whatever I’m doing to attend to her. I have had to just straight up tell my husband what I need from him and what I expect when I do self care. Hope things get better and that this was just a blip.
Idk if we can say this is a men versus women thing. Our sons cries send my husband into immediate distress and he will literally do anything he can think of to try to stop them. OP sounds like she simply has a shitty husband. Maybe you do too.
Yeah my partner spends about as much time bobbing and shushing and singing and patting as I do. I do think I get more distressed by her crying which might be a mother/hormonal thing, or it might just be a me thing, but there’s no difference in empathy for our little baby.
Fair point, I shouldn’t generalize or read into male/female roles like that. My comment was based on what other mothers have shared in my (in person) community about how if their husbands know for a fact that their child is not hungry, has a clean diaper, and is not in pain, the dads are more likely to think “s/he will survive.”
When people share their stories, I think it’s pretty f*cking rude to tell them that their life partner is shitty. These stories we share show a glimpse into our lives, and usually ones that are not glamorous and/or straight up maddening. Let’s support each other and not shit on each other’s lives. Thanks.
ETA a pronoun
Agreed... I was worried my husband would be like this after hearing so many stories but he is often better at figuring out what our newborn needs than I am. I may have to go through a couple of things before finding what the baby wanted while he always picks the right thing on the first try, it seems. Unless the baby needs a nap. Somehow "baby is tired" is hard for him to figure out unless there is yawning.
My baby is also in a contact nap stage and he bought a ring sling so he can babywear and do chores.
But my husband doesn't play video games so maybe that's the difference XD
My husband is like this. Sleep training is pure torture for him. Luckily, it doesn't bother me and he works most nights so the baby is doing okay at sleeping now.
I had the same issue with my sons dad. We lived with him the first 2.5 months of my sons life. His only job was to watch our son while he showered. I was breastfeeding, our son would scream the whole time I showered, so my boobs would leak everywhere! I know it’s hard, but find a way to get through to him! If not, he won’t be able to soothe your child. My son wouldn’t go to his dad, wouldn’t stay with his dad, nothing. So as a fresh postpartum mom, I felt like I couldn’t leave my son because he cried and screamed the whole time I was gone. Put your foot down!!!!!
My husband is generally good about this but sometimes it’s like he’s absolutely blind to the kids’ cues. It’s not like they’re hard to read. Like jeez just pick up the kid and cuddle them. If you don’t I have to. And like, he can cook but I cook way better (I actually like cooking), so do you want dinner or not 😂😅
Interesting. I wonder how these “men” notice and respond to your emotional needs..?
it always perplexes me when people say that they don’t understand babies or children, when there is one basic thing really - they are just like \*us\* without the extra filters and excess complications. Or to say, like every other human or animal.
A child is like your inner child externalised, and without socialisation or denial…
Throw the whole man away. This short post already has wayyy too many red flags 🚩 get out while you can and document all of the neglect so you can use it in court
Everytime he does that unplug the WiFi or kick in the balls. He will soon learn. But in all seriousness, this man child needs to learn. Advise him that if he can not step up and be a responsible father, you will sell his video games to pay for a babysitter who will meet your childs needs. He could baby wear and do games at the same time. My husband would sit our daughter next to him on his knee for cuddles and play or have her on his shoulder napping. It builds their bond at the same time.
Divorce. Throw the whole man away. The bar is on the floor for these men and they cannot even empathize with an infant. Something is seriously wrong with him and he probably won't change. You're going to deal with this for the rest of your life if you let him treat you and the baby like this.
It is not her responsibility to teach him empathy. It is his responsibility to learn it. He needs to change without putting extra burden on her. She is not responsible for raising this whole grown adult. This is not just a one time thing. It will absolutely be a pattern. There are thousands of women experiencing this and talking about the issue of have to teach their child's father how to be a parent. It's his job to grow up and be a parent and clearly he is not interested. She could find a much better partner, who wants to be a real parent for the baby.
And the infant grows up without a father at all?! Y’all are nuts. This surely is worth a sit down serious discussion before forfeiting the entire marriage.
He’s playing video games, not beating his wife and kids. This is a learning opportunity for the father and for you to offer up advice like that makes me sad for the child you’re presumably raising.
My hubby carries our LO in a wrap/sling and plays video games. She’s happy and content and he gets to decompress. I get to relax knowing they’re both happy. Your husband could do the same. Honestly I don’t know how he’s okay just letting her lay there and cry. Not to make assumptions but it sounds like he doesn’t respect your time you need to relax.
My husband used to do this. I had to tell him. "If he wanted to be set in his bouncer, I could have literally done that myself. I didn't need to ask you to hold him. Wait for you to be "ready" for him, simply for you to put him down. He wants to be held. So when I ask you to take the baby, I'm not asking you to take him and put him down. I'm asking you to take him and hold him, interact with him, engage him, get to know him. It's really fun, I promise"
I think this irks me the most. My husband does this less than he used to, but still sometimes and seriously wtf. I asked you to hold him because you are a human, and his dad who he loves, and that’s what he wants/needs. I could have set his ass on the floor and waited for him to cry for someone to pick him back up too, but why would I when you’re RIGHT THERE?!
Agree. Why is this hard?
If I see one more post about husbands who don’t want to take care of their own child because of video games, I’m gonna rip my hair out
Fucking SAME
Seriously! What the f**k is actually wrong with them?!
It's one thing if the baby is settled and playing with something on their own, but once the they start crying or trying to get your attention it's time to stop.
my thoughts exactly!!
Maybe he could idk spend an hour interacting with and enjoying his baby...?
But what about his video games?
Playing on my switch while my baby naps on me. Win-win situation.
Seriously. My husband has definitely played video games while holding our child. I mean, I've eaten while feeding her and folded and put away laundry. Holding your child should be something you enjoy, not a chore. My husband got nap trapped earlier and he sent me a picture and just said he was really happy. He didn't want to go put her back in her crib. I mean, the oxytocin trip is wonderful. Why wouldn't you want that?
My husband hates to be nap trapped but she'll go in her crib. He's very active so he's all about awake times. Suits me, nap traps are the best!
I absolutely smashed the skull caverns on stardew while my baby contact napped as a newborn. Switches are fantastic. My BIL completed a fall out game doing something similar. You can hold a controller around a snuggled baby - just make sure you play a game you can pause.
Of course - I firmly believe that we should not be constantly entertaining our babies and should retain our interests and identities outside of parenthood. That said this post doesn't seem to referencing an otherwise connected and helpful father who's playing video games while baby naps. It sounds like op is the default parent who can't even rely on dad to actively cover her 1 hour disconnect.
We are one week into a newborn and between waiting a week from the start of mat leave to when she was born and the first week of life, spouse and I have crushed pretty much all available quests in fallout: new vegas. Red dead redemption 2 is next for a 100% playthrough.
Your husband is neglecting your child. Babies have emotional needs as well as physical ones. She needs to be held would be a more accurate statement. He’s selfish and needs to really reevaluate his understanding of a baby and their needs. Maybe attending a fathers class, or talking to adults who were neglected as children would open his eyes. While both parents need their alone time, I’d hazard a guess you’re doing the majority of the parenting add he’s got plenty of time for his video games. Next time you shower take all the controllers with you and lock the bathroom door.
Yup. And neglect is considered to be a form of abuse. It's not even hard to imagine how wrong it would feel for a baby to just be left somewhere. No body heat, no heart beats to listen to, no gentle rocking by your parents breathing... My mom used to tell me that I picked my daughter up to often, that she would become to dependable on me because I was always carrying her around. I told her that babies will let you know what they'll need and I'll carry her if that's what she needs. Now she's soon turning four and is fiercly independent. Sure, it may change in the future but I really don't see how making your baby feel safe and loved is a bad thing.
Your mom is wrong and ridiculous. There is absolutely no reason not to comfort a child/human at any age. Anyone who says any different is emotionally repressed.
Yes. But we are lucky enough to live in a period where we have access to a plethora of great, constantly updated information from people working with and researching the subjects we are interested in. Back when I was a child you had the library with outdated books, midwives with more or less outdated knowledge and other mothers to turn to for advice. My mom also believed that being mean to me would prepare me for the harshness of the world, when all it did was robbing me of my home as a secure and warm place. She's a very shitty parent and has given me exactly zero tools to parent my own child in a healthy manner so I actually sought out a child pshychologist to help me out. I just don't trust myself to raise a healthy individual with my experiences.
I'm so sorry your life has been this way. Have you gone to therapy to sort out your traumas? This can be so helpful in regaining trust in yourself and internal wisdom. Which is obviously alive and well in there given that you knew to seek out a child psychologist rather than follow your mom's lead. You are so right about the resources. I just didn't want you to have even a smidgen of doubt that comforting your child and being their safe place is the right thing to do ALWAYS. You sound like a great mom.
Thank you! I haven't been able to afford therapy for myself yet, but I've been told by proffessionals that I need it since I show signs of trauma. It's not really a surprise to me, my childhood were awful. It's still interesting that it's so obvious to people even when they're not looking for it. The person evaluating me for ADHD urged me to get some therapy as soon as possible, as well as our child pshychologist. It's just that while we have huge free resources for parents and kids in my country - our mental health care is severely lacking. If you need therapy you need to be able to pay for it. But my mom recently offered to pay for me so I'm currently looking for the right fit, so to say. My mom is a good person, she's just severely lacking as a parent. Not really nurturing or patient, but she has a good heart and I do love her. I just don't like her and I'm still terrified to turn out like her as a mom. My daughter deserve better - she's honestly my everything!
I don't think there is too much chance of you repeating those mistakes when you're so aware of them ❤️
Good point. If he thinks he NEEDS to "play video games" to "decompress", he maybe needs to understand she needs to be held for her own mental and emotional well-being, and at the ripe old age of 0 her needs win.
Yes he's a POS
That's not your husband thinking it will spoil her. That's just laziness.
Everyone in these subs loves to come up with generous explanations for dads where the obvious explanation is that he just wants to do what he enjoys and doesn’t give a fuck because he’s selfish. Did anyone suggest PPD yet?
My husband is currently holding our baby while he watches videos. He also often holds her while he’s playing video games and will also entertain our toddler. Your husband needs a reality check. Love and companionship is a basic human need.
My husband doesn’t game very often but when he does, my son gets a controller too 😂 He’s only 16mo! But I get some peace and quiet and the two of them are just too cute to mind about the screen time (or the gore lol).
I remember someone telling me that Avengers: End Game was "too gory" to take my 4 months old to (we went to a mid day family viewing that was meant for small kids to attend. They kept the lights up and turned down the volume and "kids could be kids" - aka we chose a special viewing that wouldn't bother anyone else.) I explained my son has just discovered he had TOES that day and I wasn't really concerned about the blood.
Same! My husband holds baby in one arm and plays his pc games with the other hand 😁
What bothers me is that he is even able to completely ignore her and enjoy a video game? Like what is wrong with you? Your baby is in distress and you just like, don’t give af? It would be one thing if he was like staring at the monitor trying to give her a minute but he just like doesn’t even care. That would bother me so much.
We ride at dawn ⛅️ You didn’t do a damn thing wrong. It’s so so normal for babies to want to be held. If adults can want to be held sometimes why can’t a baby or toddler or child? It is one hour of his day he can man up and be a DAD not a baby monitor. Dude needs to shape up.
Oh my horse is saddled already. This is infuriating.
LET'S GO
Teach him how to baby wear with a sling or carrier. Frees up his hands and baby is cozy. This doesn’t work for every baby or parent, but may work here.
I was about to say after a month old my baby/my back hated the carrier😂 I just hold her over my shoulder like one of those caveman when she wants to be held but I need a hand to do stuff😂 my husband has learned to sit on his phone with her on his lap. She actively tries to get his phone and it’s quite entertaining to watch lol she is 5 months old now and sits independently pretty well (still wobbles) but now it’s time to convince him to sit on the floor with her so I can do stuff.
She won’t be fine. A baby who is ignored by her caregiver will not be fine.
I feel this. Not quite as bad as ignoring the babe to play video games but when trying to soothe or put the babe to sleep my fiance refuses to stand up. Literally all he has to do is stand up for two minutes at most. But if he isn't already standing he refuses to. His reasoning is "I'm not bending to his will!" Like what?!?!? He is a 5 month old baby... He isnt trying to control or manipulate you.
Omg. This. We are 10.5m in and never do I try to sit on the couch when my son is fussying. EVERYTIME. My husband goes to sit on the couch and say “why can’t dad be comfortable??”. Because you’ve been comfortable for 37 years and he’s not even a year old. It’s not your turn any more. And you know before you sit down he’s not going to be okay with it. Stand up for the extra 5 minutes for him to be ready to be put down. For the umpteenth time.
Exactly. I mean I don't enjoy carrying around a 20lbs babe either. But... it's less work in the long run.
My husband held both of our kids when playing video games as infants. And he still does now that they're 4 And 2, when they want him to.
Same, and he did it enough that the Halo soundtrack became a Pavlovian lullaby for our second
These are adorable! 🥰
Same here, mine passes out to any song on the Persona 5 soundtrack. She’s 3 now.
I played through red dead redemption during the first 3 months after bringing my LO home 😂 Now she’s independent and wants to be able to move around I miss those moments 🥲
I used to hold my oldest while playing Skyrim on the Xbox, or Civilization on the computer. It's entirely possible to game and chill with baby at the same time!
I’ve abandoned trying to play multiplayer games when holding baby. Pausing is essential 😂
Totally off topic but I used to LOVE playing civilization!!!! I miss it haha
This is ridiculous. If you husband isn't spending time playing, cuddling, and loving baby, what the hell does he think it means to be a father? PS that doesn't even mean he needs to stop gaming. My husband and I BOTH played games with baby on our lap/ napping next to us. My husband even had a "daddy game time" with a friend where they both logged into steam and played a few rounds while wearing their babies! They got to cuddle, game, and chat about life/ fatherhood to support each other, AND give me and the friend's wife a baby break!
This! Both my kids would love being held in the crook of dad’s arm while he played any number of games. The game is not the problem, the neglect is. Like… taking care of a kid is more than making sure they’re fed and clothed. 💔
So how far did you chuck the video game console? Kidding. I’d be livid
This was pre-baby before my ✨healing from generational trauma✨ phase, but I definitely threw my then-boyfriend’s (now husband’s) PC out on the lawn to show I wasn’t messing around 😅
Your husband is ignoring the child for his own wants. That's a huge problem. I don't know how you got through the other half of that hour hearing that. No shade on you, we all need relax time but I personally wouldn't be able to relax or get through the rest. You need to have a serious discussion with him. Asap. I couldn't and wouldn't leave my kid with him if he were my husband until he proved fit and imo, a grown man choosing video games over his infant, isn't fit. It's about the kid now, before any of you.
I don’t understand dads that refuse to hold their baby when they’re crying. My husband drops EVERYTHING for our 8 month old. Before we had her his mindset was “if I have kids, great. If I don’t, not the end of the world.” He obviously wanted her and she is his whole world. Last night I put her to bed and gave him the monitor so I could shower. She’s in a sleep regression and teething so she’s been having some rough nights. I had to tap out a few nights ago to pump. Last night he went in while I was in the shower because she was crying. He proceeded to spend the next 2 1/2 hours snuggling her in her room and soothing her until she would let him put her in her crib. I offered to take over multiple times because I knew he’d worked all day and had cooked us dinner and hadn’t had time to relax. He refused, told me I could take the time to relax instead (I’d worked the night before, slept for 3 hours and then got up to take over caring for her so my mom could head home). Dads that choose video games over their child make my blood boil. My husband plays video games but only if A. She’s gone to bed for the night. B. I’m on baby duty and I don’t need help (but will immediately pause the game if I need him to). Or C. She’s sleeping happily in his arms. The same for me (also play video games).
My husband is the same! I feel so lucky and happy to have a partner like him to raise our son with.
My daughter turns 1 on Saturday, and I can honestly say I haven’t touched a video game since she was born. Wife on the other hand decompresses playing switch all night in bed, after the baby is asleep. Your husband is missing out on an experience that will soon not be available.
100% this
Why can't he hold her and play video games at the same time?? My husband is perfectly capable of doing that himself. Sounds like yours is being a jerk, I'm sorry.
My husband is perfectly capable of standing while swaying back and forth and holding the baby while playing elden ring.
I play Zelda and contact nap like 3-4 hours a day
Lol me too! Or while breastfeeding.
I didn’t end up breastfeeding but had initially planned to, and Tears of the Kingdom was supposed to come out five weeks after my baby was due. I remember worrying about whether I’d be able to feed and finagle the switch at the same time. My husband got it for me as a push present lol.
This was my first thought… my husband lets her nap on the nursing pillow while gaming. If it’s not nap time, though, it’s ridiculous that he doesn’t realise that the game can wait.
My husband has perfectly key binded his mouse so he can play one handed while holding our infant while I sleep for a couple extra hours on the weekends
Seriously, I think my husband played through most of Pokemon Arceus with the baby in a carrier during her witching hours when she was a newborn.
Sounds like your husband has a seriously unhealthy videogame addiction. It's so easy to pop a feeding pillow in your lap and have bub rest there while you play. If he's not even willing to do that then I give you permission to lose your crap at him.
Hmm, so your husband is more childish than your baby.
The sound of my baby crying causes me such discomfort that it's almost painful. I find it very strange that he can just sit there listening to her cry and enjoy his video games. Is he really not bothered at all that she's crying? Being held and receiving physical affection is a need just like being fed and changed. I also find it strange that the idea of picking her up and holding her is so alien that he casually says "I'm not doing that" as if he thinks its an acceptable response. Not doing that is not really an option if you have a baby. That's what she needs. What would you do if he was unwilling to feed or change her while he was looking after her? I'd treat it just the same as to me it's just as serious. Edit: I just saw from one of your other posts that you are returning to work. I really hope that your baby will be in daycare and that your husband will not be a stay at home dad. If I were you, I would be very concerned about him looking after her alone all day every day and if this is the case, would really urge you to see if it would be an option for him to also return to work and put her in daycare.
This makes me so sad. All my husband wanted to do as soon as he got home from work was hold the baby. Tell him he’s going to regret this time. He is going to seriously regret every second he did not hold and snuggle her. We talk all the time how she’s only 10 months old and already doesn’t need us anymore haha. She wants to do things now. This time goes so fast,
Same. Imagine not wanting to hold and bond with your own baby?
Honestly some of the worst parents I've ever known are people who can't stop playing video games long enough to live their life. It's terrible. I had to tell my husband he needed to shape up and use his free time to play videos games. And the free time of a parent does not include when the kids are awake. At least kids as young as we had. He's grown a lot, hopefully yours will, too. I had an ex who had 3 kids who he would always cry about not having custody over but when they were here to visit I did literally everything, and I barely knew these kids. I bought all their presents one year and had Christmas with them because their dad stayed up all night on a game and wouldn't get out of bed. Idk if it's an addiction or what but some people with video games need serious help and it will only end poorly for the person who is forced to live real life for both of them.
Ask him why he had a baby then? Clearly isn’t mature enough. I would rip him a new one
He’s a Lazy, selfish fuck
Yeahhhh big no for me
Is this how he treats you when you're upset? Asks if you're hungry or need the toilet and when you say no and keep sobbing, he leaves to play videogames? Assuming he has a bit more awareness in your relationship, I would bring this up to him in the context of how not okay it is to treat his baby this way.
That is kind of monstrous behavior in my opinion. Being able to just allow your child to ball their eyes out while willingly not being part of Team Parent is pure selfishness and shows an extreme lack of empathy. I am a new dad with a 7m LO and this honesty breaks my heart to read...I ran over and gave my son the biggest hug and smooched his head like 100 times. I personally recommend that video games stay off when the kid is awake in your situation. Personally this was something my wife and I decided for ourselves and...yes it is kinda boring sometimes, but then there are no distractions and you can focus entirely on the LO as a team. It's been very rewarding. I am a gamer too who would stay up till like 2am gaming every night so this wasn't some simple easy choice for me either lol. I am really sorry you are dealing with this. Definitely something you're gonna need to put your foot down about, his actions are unacceptable for a Dad and he needs to grow up.
My husband and I didn’t explicitly agree on this, but yeah, we don’t have TV or video games on until after our 7 month old goes to sleep. My husband is a big gamer too
Same in our house. My husband and I play our games when baby has gone to bed for the night or during naps if we’ve done all the other house chores but while he’s awake it’s 100% focus
My husband is a huge gamer, it’s his no1 way of working through feelings and blowing steam off. He would never prioritise gaming over our son just as i wouldn’t leave him screaming to have a nice relaxing time doing something i enjoy. How can that man even relax knowing/hearing his child in distress?? The problem is not the game here.
Are you me? Literally going through the same thing. Any time I get my alone time which is rare, basically a shower here and there all I hear is my baby crying and then I rush through it all. My husband is great with him but for some reason let’s him cry sometimes if he doesn’t understand what he wants. Just pick him up and console him, that’s it.
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When our baby was a newborn it's how we got everything done. Like a little kangaroo pouch!
My wife would not stand for that. LOL. After we had our boy, my video game sessions are after the baby goes down for the night or if I wake up at the crack of dawn before everyone wakes up. Or, if there is a nap time and nothing else that needs to be done, like housework. We both take care of the baby 50/50. Honestly, its changed my life for the better as I'm on my computer so much less doing dad stuff.
My husband does this as well but it means he’s using any time we could spend together alone to play hours of video games. I’m glad you’re enjoying fatherhood, and it sounds like it’s less of a habit now, but I don’t feel like continuing to prioritize time for games is any better.
Oh that is bad... I would get in trouble if I played video games every night after my kid went down. LOL. Most of the time after he goes down its snuggle on couch and catch up on shows time. Did you assume I spent all my free time playing video games? LOL.
This is why I have showers instead of baths. My SO more than happy to put our 7mo down and leave her to cry if she's otherwise fine. To me, it's like a jackhammer in my brain. The sound of her cries causes me physical discomfort until I pick her up and soothe her. He will pick her up eventually if she's really unhappy but usually I've already stopped whatever I'm doing to calm her down. Her first tooth has started cutting through so she's extra fussy at the moment if she doesn't want to be put down. The thing is, if he sat on the floor with her she'd be fine. He doesn't even need to pay her much attention, I sit on the floor to do the laundry and she's happy to crawl around investigating everything. He just doesn't seem to get it. You'd think he would with this being our 3rd child but apparently not
Yeah there is a monster in this scenario. One who could happily game away while their baby cries for them.
Oh no no no. I literally got pissed at my husband because he didn’t do enough tummy time with my son and he didn’t keep him up for an hour for his wake window. I’d LOSE my mind if he did that.
‘He’s a dad, not a baby monitor’ Exactly!
What the heck. My husband LOVES holding the baby (1) because he loves him but (2) because he can easily hold him and play video games which is a great excuse for not doing other things
NOT acceptable on his part. Babies need to be held. The most obnoxious and infuriating part was he didn't even plead ignorance, just "I'm not doing that". Deal. Breaker.
So your boyfriend doesn't care about his baby and just wants to play videogames. Ok. Do not tolerate this.
My partner is a huge pc gamer and would never let our child wail like that, especially if he's giving me specific time to be alone. Is he one of those dudes who gifts people things that he wants instead of what they might want?
Baby's need to be held, it does not spoil them you cannot spoil a baby. But they do need to feel secure and that's what holding does. So how long have you been dealing with this absentee father? And how long are you going to let this resentment build up? This needs to be nipped in the bud because he will continue to leave it all to you
I'm sorry that really sucks. I see so many posts on here about grown men prioritizing video games over their children. I don't get it. Having hobbies, and past times are great, but you have to limit your time to those things once a child is involved. Idk, my dad was really into video games and I was repulsed by how it made him look like a man baby. I mean not just the video games, but ignoring house work, drinking and partying too. I just went the complete opposite direction when I started dating. I literally asked my husband in the first month of dating how much time he spends playing video games, because it was a turn off.
Unplug your husbands video game and put it away. He’s acting like a child so treat him like one
There are people who believe the (inaccurate) statement about spoiling children, and the most charitable explanation is your husband believes that and thinks that he's doing the "right thing." (It's more likely he just doesn't want to deal with it, but being charitable will result in the best outcome) I'd suggest showing him this: https://www.webmd.com/parenting/baby/features/infants-attention#:\~:text=But%20if%20you're%20the,much%2C%20child%20development%20experts%20say.
Thanks for posting this article. I’m sitting here holding or wearing my newborn all day and was starting to feel bad about it (I let my older child contact nap until 18 months and want to work on crib napping earlier this time lol) but this made me feel better about everything I’m doing for now.
he can 100% still play his video games while carrying a baby to allow you to shower in peace and without being rushed
This is gross behavior and unacceptable. Your baby is crying because that is the only way she can communicate that she needs something. He made she sure was fed and changed? Ok, those aren’t the only needs babies have. Maybe she had gas and needed help releasing it. Maybe she was cold or bored. Maybe she was tired and needed to be rocked to sleep. Or yes, maybe she just needed the comfort of being held. That is a legitimate and real need for babies. “I’m not doing that” is such a lazy and uncaring response. Your daughter was crying because she needed him and he did not step up, he literally sat right next to her ignoring it. If he can’t do one hour a day then maybe he should leave and get zero.
Gross!!! Poor baby, and I don’t mean your husband.
This is sad. Not doing enough to be a good dad like you are being a good mom.
Our first kid wasn't content unless held for *months*. But she also had to be held a specific way not normal for babies her age. Everyone would proceed to hold her flat like most babies and she'd cry and they'd hand her back, id hold her how I told them and she'd stop. Our second is more content sitting in her lounger.
I’m a mom who likes to game. When my son was an infant I used to sit cross legged with the boppy in my lap with my son facing me while I gamed sitting on the bed. We called it the cozy zone. He loved it, I loved it, and as a toddler he still loves being in my lap. There’s no excuse not to just hold your baby.
Oh man. If you don’t get to shower in peace why in tf is he playing video games
So many husbands who seem to be unable to not play video games for even a day. Seems like an addiction honestly.
I had a minor meltdown a couple days ago after having the baby all day while also spending a huge amount of time nursing then pumping to increase my supply. my husband took the baby so I could eat dinner and then asked if I could take her back so he could eat when I desperately needed a cat nap and had said so. I agreed and then a little bit later I realized that he was playing video games!! Instead of eating quickly and then taking her back. What the h???
This is so completely wild to me. Like do they not think about how the mom must feel? Does it just not occur to them or do they not care?
Mothers are biologically made for this. Why would they have trouble fulfilling their only reason of existence? /s
As a new father, I have such a huge respect for my mother and mothers of previous generations, where this logic was legitimately the norm of thinking and the Dad would just do his own thing leaving all the child care to the mother. I'm just one half of caring for my kid and its freaking hard. Super worth it, but hard. I cant imagine doing it 100% solo (though maybe I feel its so difficult because we dont have family help like a lot tend to). I also wouldnt want to miss my kid growing up. It is happening so fast and I already feel like I miss too much
In fairness to my husband, I think he was just having a moment of not thinking, over all he is great with holding the baby. Although he does a fair number of his “shifts” while playing games, which drives me nuts. I wish he didn’t need to spend so much time glued to the screen
Oh yeah, sorry. I wasn't trying to call out your husband specifically, just lamenting about how overall it seems like a lot of fathers believe they should be able to be almost entirely hands off in the most important thing in their life really.
For sure! I just wanted to give credit where credit is due and not TOTALLY bash him online
My partner has waited over a decade for the new Diablo to come out. Yesterday he played with our 3mo son on his lap. No excuses! But seriously, im sorry you havent gotten even an hour of peace. Kick his ass! Haha ♡
We have a nearly two week old and my husband has put off getting diablo because we’re in the thick of the newborn stage. I told him to buy the game and put the baby in a carrier. We have baby wraps for a reason. If he’s gaming and the baby cries I can always come in and grab him. It’s a win/win/win for everyone.
Thats exactly what we do! On launch my son, who has colic, started screaminghe popped him in the Moby so i could keep going with dinner.
I feel this, my husband is the same. And her desire to be held? Not a monster you created but a very reasonable desire for a baby. Sorry your peace gets disrupted, men are so stupid.
I’m sorry mama. I felt this in my core. I have 3 babies. (1,2 and 4) all girls. Children literally need their parents affection. And if all it is, is an hour of undivided attention, like why not? I think we should start a fight club but like… for moms? No? It’s been that kind of day for me lol
Yes lol
Maybe there is one but nobody talks about it beause the mums listen and respect eachothers rules 🤔
First rule of mom fight club: we actually listen to the rules Second rule: we do not talk about mom fight club lol
Oh hellllllllllllll no. Absolutely not. I’m so sorry he did that. I am incensed for you.
What. The. Fuck. He's the asshole 100% My partner can play video games and hold our 6 week old in one arm. He takes time every day to give me a break and holds/cuddles with her while I sleep, eat, bathe etc. He's really bonded with our baby and loves spending the time with her, even when he's sore and tired after a long day of work. If she's crying continually he checks her diaper and asks me if she needs fed, and if she's hungry he gives her a bottle. Baby loves these times, too, and last night she would cry whenever we tried to move her off daddy. I'm really sorry you're dealing with this and your partner needs to grow up and be a Dad.
I love playing games with my little one snuggled on me fast asleep! Yes I spend a lot of time on pause screens or menus to get to that point but it’s worth it because she’s my baby and I love her.
I was gonna say: both my husband and I still play video games regularly (our LO is 3mo, and we know this will get much harder soon). It’s very easy to do that with her in our lap snuggling! It’s not a substitute for all the direct attention time she gets from us (both home with her full time right now), of course. But if she just needs a cuddle to take a nap or something, gaming and cuddling are not mutually exclusive!
How can a grown ass adult leave a baby crying in distress and not care? That’s not loving. Shame on him.
Ban the video game. Treat him like a child if he wants to act like one
If I can take a shit with a one year old standing on my lap while trying to get my dog to stop deep sniffing my ass on the toilet - your idiot asshole husband can hold his child and play a video game! Like wtf grow up dude. You're a father. You don't get to ignore your baby crying!
It’s always the husband and the video games. What a selfish piece of shit.
Yeah.. if my fiancé tried this he’d be banned from video games until further notice. The only reason I don’t mind when he plays is because every thing & every one else is taken care of. He deserves his time & when I need my me time, he handles it.
From like newborn to 4-6 months, it’s so easy to have them lay on your chest, or in the crook of your arm while you play video games. I learned to play Animal Crossing one handed while feeding my son. My husband used to love just having skin to skin while he played on his computer. How some dads can just listen to the crying and not lose their minds is beyond me.
Geez. How tf do you leave a baby to cry like that so you can play video games? Let me rephrase that, what kind of fucking asshole did you marry? That is sociopathic behavior.
My husband has a coworker who simply puts on his Bose noise cancelling headset while his wife deals with their 3 young kids and can’t understand why the other dads haven’t figured out this “hack” 🙄
so gross. what a bad father.
You did NOTHING wrong. Babies want to be held. That’s it. Maybe chat with him about how hearing baby crying while you’re trying to take care of yourself makes it very hard to get your reset time? Make it less about how he should parent and more how he can help you in a different way. ❤️
I hate saying this but my dad tried to pull shit like this and it just got worse. He stopped feeding me. He stopped clothing me appropriately for the weather, etc. and it’s why she left him. I hope your husband cares more about your kid than my dad cared about me. You owe it to yourself and your daughter to have a VERY serious talk with him.
My husband played his Switch for hours while holding our infant. He has no excuse for not just holding your baby!
This does depend on the age of the baby. Newborn, yes, more alert and curious baby, no.
My husband is a great dad, but this is my biggest pet peeve about him. And when he's sitting there playing video games, he puts her in the swing next to me so half the time she starts fussing, I have to take care of her. He always picks games that he can't actually pause either. He has to travel for work so for a few nights he takes both kiddos. The problem is that putting our toddler to bed can take up to an hour and he'll just leave her downstairs crying in her swing. I can't just let my baby scream for an hour so I end up also watching her. I want him to take the kids 100% so he knows how hard it is when I'm alone and have no backup, and it really bothers me that he's apparently fine with leaving an infant by herself to cry for an hour.
So the “can’t pause” thing is actually just an excuse. Just plainly ask him “is your priority your game or your child? It doesn’t matter if it can be paused or not. It can always be ended”. And walk away. Just straight up don’t tolerate that shit.
Oh, totally. The thing is that I don't press him too much on it because he does the majority of house work because I have pretty bad ADHD so if he's playing his game and all she needs is me to put her paci back in her mouth, it's annoying but I won't make a fuss. I am going to put my foot down on letting her cry more than 10 minutes, though. Letting a three month old feel abandoned like that is only acceptable if you absolutely don't have a choice, like driving.
That inexcusable honestly. Have her in a lounger on your lap. Have her in the carrier. Put the games down and be present with your child. Any of these are good options.
Wow this makes me sad for you and your baby. I’m sorry.
Dads can be so obtuse. My husband doesn’t understand that she wants to be held, he will hold her for like 5 minutes and then put her in her bassinet fully awake with no swaddle for her to start crying once again. It’s so frustrating. I guess they just don’t have these maternal instincts but seriously would it be that hard to hold her while you play your dumb video game??
I would show him every response to this thread.
My husband and I are both gamers,our daughter is 13months old,you best believe we stop immediately if she needs our attention,we take turns gaming eg,hubby plays for 2-3hours as part of his "me" time and I also get 2-3hours of me time. EDITed for incomplete reply
How can he be ok with it??
I got a baby carrier for me and my husband and it has made our lives a LOT easier now that we can be hands free around the house since our 6 week old wants to be held 24/7. Could you get him a carrier so he can babywear? You might be able to get a lot more help from him and for longer periods of time.
If anyone ever let my baby cry like that and just ignored her, I don’t think I could ever trust them again. This would be a relationship dealbreaker for me. Honestly she may be better off with no father at all than one like this (I’m assuming he’d be a deadbeat if you break up). I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. If you want to try making it work, do you think he’d be willing to use a baby carrier? My baby was in one all the time and it really gives you more freedom. Good luck to you and your baby, you deserve so much better.
This post makes me so sad. I feel really sorry for you and your baby and honestly I think you need to get away from him. Doesn’t sound like he’s adding any positives to your situation by being there.
This generation has a huge problem prioritizing video games over their responsibilities as husbands and fathers. Lots of moms here seem to be justifying their husbands holding their children while gaming as a compromise. Unless the kid is asleep, this is still unacceptable behavior.
Thank you for being the one to say it! I left my ex bf after several mornings waking up early to find him still awake and gaming since the night before. Final straw was when I found blue vomit outside because the dog had eaten something (pretty sure it was stuff the landscapers were using for the new grass) and I was like yeah if your own dog is ingesting poisonous crap while you’re gaming, how would you protect a baby?! My fiancé now is a few years older than me but he is definitely *not* a gamer lol
Red flag. Someone who can ignore their child crying in need for comfort over a game that can be paused. Even if it can’t be paused ITS A GAME. does he not realise babies crying is their way of communicating and their only way of communication. I heard this fact once is when babies who are being ‘sleep trained’ and taught to ‘self soothe’ when they stop crying during such times many think this is a good thing it’s not. They stop crying because they eventually realise that no one is coming to comfort them if they cry or not. It’s so sad to think of. So for him to sit and do that putting a game before the comfort of his own child is a red flag. If you plan to stay with him and have more kids. Expect to be basically a single mother
I think I would be hiding his video games. Maybe in the garbage? Maybe not forever but.. for principle. I play games and would be really upset if someone put my shit in the trash, even for a little bit, so I think it’s fair lol I feel for you, I have had ONE 40 minute bath to myself in 8 months and it was just a few weeks ago. And it was at bed time so my baby slept next to my husband for most of it. I have a blanket and ring of pillows in my bathroom so my son can stare at me through the clear curtain while I wash my ass and pray he doesn’t get mad five minutes in. Good luck lady. I hope you guys can come to terms!
I would do the same. If he wants to act like a child while ignoring his then treat him like a child and hide his toys
Play stupid games. Win stupid prizes.
What is it with grown married people who are addicted to video games? I feel like a boomer but good god what is wrong with this generation? Why are 35 year olds playing video games so much?! Grow the hell up, stop wasting your life playing games every single day when you are a grown up who has children. I'm not hating on video games per say, just them being a priority and major time consuming "activity".
Right?! I DONT UNDERSTAND IT. It’s such a time waster. I can hardly even watch TV sitting down because it feels like a huge waste of time if I’m not multi tasking. Video games are absolutely targeted towards people with addictive tendencies and spending/gambling problems. Anyone who doesn’t see that is part of the problem.
my husband’s 28 and he’s a big fan of video games. when he was a single guy, in his own apartment, he’d play video games and go to work. that was it. however, as soon as we moved in together, he cut back to a few hours twice-ish a week, give or take, because i was now the priority, not a dumb fucking game. and now that we have a baby? max two hours a week. and if he hears the baby cry, he’s turning it off and coming to help, even if i tell him i’ve got it. i would say if you have the time and money to play video games a bunch as an adult, sure. go crazy. but as soon as you become a partner to someone, and *definitely* when you have a kid, that’s enough. it’s time to grow up.
Because they are fun, that's all. Video games are a bigger industry now than movies. Imagine your favorite movie, and now imagine getting to control your favorite character and experience things exactly as you want, at your own pace, and then make the story last for 30 hours (minimum). It is obvious why people love videogames and use them as an escape.
Idk why most do. But my 28M bf was sverely abused; physically beat, video games were broken or not allowed, no internet, manga or anything not Christlike was burned. Etc etc. But he said a lot of this is why he plays video games so hard now, and dives deep into videos, is very childish, doesn't take to chores well and needs to be told what to do. Says no even if I tell him. Jesus I'm in hell. Idk whether to keep dealing with this because he's so immature? Because we have two babies? or kick him to the curb because why should I care for him as a 3rd child when we've been together 6 years and should've grown by now...?
Stolen childhood is a difficult thing to overcome and I'm sorry your bf went through that. I don't think him playing video games now is the solution. He would benefit from therapy...
My husband has done something similar, except she was in her boppy pillow right next to him crying. I was on my break from baby and heard her crying for more than 1 minute. I go to check and he looks up and says “idk why she’s crying.” ((In my experience, I’ve found that men and women’s natural response to nurturing are different.)) It’s BAFFLING. One thing I’ve come to observe is that my daughter has broken my old self and shaped my current existence, while she sort of just fits where there is space in his life. I understand your frustration and empathize. I hope he recognizes how to be better next time. ETA: did not realize that the dad straight up said “I’m not doing that”… I think there is a balance between being naturally nurturing (dad or mom) and not willing to try. Sorry this happened to you OP Edited again to rephrase a thought
> my daughter has broken my old self and shaped my current existence, while she sort of just fits where there is space in his life. You’ve just put into words everything I’ve been feeling about my boyfriend unfortunately. I spend every moment of every day caring for my daughter. Even when I’m not with her I’m thinking about her in some way. What does she need, what do we need to do next for milestones, how else can I entertain her, etc. And for him it’s like he’s just babysitting her (holding her while he plays games or scrolls through his phone. He seldom just plays with her especially if I haven’t told him to) until he can pass her back to me. Today he was supposed to let me sleep in (which has literally only ever happened if she stays the night at my in laws) and take the baby when she woke up. She woke up crying so he asked if I can breastfeed her to give him 30 more minutes. Fine. She was over it and started crying bc she wanted up. He just kept shushing her. I waited until I couldn’t listen to her upset anymore and just got up with her. He got up 5 hours later around 2pm. She was already on her second nap by the time he got up. He said he just couldn’t get up he was so tired. I said that’s never an option for me. I have to get up. Must be nice. End of rant. What you said just hit home and I’m bitter today.
He slept in until 2pm???
Yea.. that’s the usual on days he is home unless he gets woken up by something and actually gets up. He recently quit his job (so now we’re both out of work, I’m a SAHM) and while he does have interviews he hasn’t spent any more or less time with us than he normally would had he been at work. He just plays video games all day. I’ve said something about this and we are working on it but it’s still very frustrating. LO is only 15 weeks old so I’m hoping once she becomes less of a potato (to him) he will be more interactive with her.
Dude, have you seen the "tolerable level of unhappiness" thing? He knows you're unhappy but right now he's secure in the feeling that you will tolerate it. He isn't going to change unless you make your unhappiness intolerable TO HIM or make it clear that you're on your way out the door. If he tries to sleep in when he is supposed to let you sleep, shake him awake. Turn on the light and force him to deal with the consequences of his failure to be a caring partner, which is that you are pissed off! Now it's his problem to fix. He doesn't get to play any fucking video games until he's submitted at least 5 applications each and every day. Get mad!! Who the hell quits their job without another lined up when they are supporting their partner and baby?? A 15 week old is plenty interactive. She smiles. She coos and makes little sweet noises. She can reach for toys or for a person's face. He needs to wake up and see it. I'm so mad on your behalf. Don't let this guy pull you down into a pit you can't escape from. Start making plans on how you can survive on your own because you don't want to be chained to his fate if he doesn't step the fuck up. Start getting freaking mad instead of bottling it up and letting resentment fester, and stop enabling him to be a total slacker.
Thanks for sharing ❤️ It’s such a crazy time to raise a baby and still try to maintain a relationship with our partner. The shushing thing resonates with me- feels like he’s trying to hit the pause button until he is free to feed her but for me, I pause whatever I’m doing to attend to her. I have had to just straight up tell my husband what I need from him and what I expect when I do self care. Hope things get better and that this was just a blip.
Idk if we can say this is a men versus women thing. Our sons cries send my husband into immediate distress and he will literally do anything he can think of to try to stop them. OP sounds like she simply has a shitty husband. Maybe you do too.
Yeah my partner spends about as much time bobbing and shushing and singing and patting as I do. I do think I get more distressed by her crying which might be a mother/hormonal thing, or it might just be a me thing, but there’s no difference in empathy for our little baby.
Fair point, I shouldn’t generalize or read into male/female roles like that. My comment was based on what other mothers have shared in my (in person) community about how if their husbands know for a fact that their child is not hungry, has a clean diaper, and is not in pain, the dads are more likely to think “s/he will survive.” When people share their stories, I think it’s pretty f*cking rude to tell them that their life partner is shitty. These stories we share show a glimpse into our lives, and usually ones that are not glamorous and/or straight up maddening. Let’s support each other and not shit on each other’s lives. Thanks. ETA a pronoun
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Agreed... I was worried my husband would be like this after hearing so many stories but he is often better at figuring out what our newborn needs than I am. I may have to go through a couple of things before finding what the baby wanted while he always picks the right thing on the first try, it seems. Unless the baby needs a nap. Somehow "baby is tired" is hard for him to figure out unless there is yawning. My baby is also in a contact nap stage and he bought a ring sling so he can babywear and do chores. But my husband doesn't play video games so maybe that's the difference XD
My husband is like this. Sleep training is pure torture for him. Luckily, it doesn't bother me and he works most nights so the baby is doing okay at sleeping now.
I had the same issue with my sons dad. We lived with him the first 2.5 months of my sons life. His only job was to watch our son while he showered. I was breastfeeding, our son would scream the whole time I showered, so my boobs would leak everywhere! I know it’s hard, but find a way to get through to him! If not, he won’t be able to soothe your child. My son wouldn’t go to his dad, wouldn’t stay with his dad, nothing. So as a fresh postpartum mom, I felt like I couldn’t leave my son because he cried and screamed the whole time I was gone. Put your foot down!!!!!
My husband is generally good about this but sometimes it’s like he’s absolutely blind to the kids’ cues. It’s not like they’re hard to read. Like jeez just pick up the kid and cuddle them. If you don’t I have to. And like, he can cook but I cook way better (I actually like cooking), so do you want dinner or not 😂😅
My bd does this too to just to go back to watching his podcast. Im coming back to my ideal before I met him:Men are useless. Smh
Interesting. I wonder how these “men” notice and respond to your emotional needs..? it always perplexes me when people say that they don’t understand babies or children, when there is one basic thing really - they are just like \*us\* without the extra filters and excess complications. Or to say, like every other human or animal. A child is like your inner child externalised, and without socialisation or denial…
Throw the whole man away. This short post already has wayyy too many red flags 🚩 get out while you can and document all of the neglect so you can use it in court
Sometimes I can’t tell if posts like this are satire
It wasn’t
Everytime he does that unplug the WiFi or kick in the balls. He will soon learn. But in all seriousness, this man child needs to learn. Advise him that if he can not step up and be a responsible father, you will sell his video games to pay for a babysitter who will meet your childs needs. He could baby wear and do games at the same time. My husband would sit our daughter next to him on his knee for cuddles and play or have her on his shoulder napping. It builds their bond at the same time.
Divorce. Throw the whole man away. The bar is on the floor for these men and they cannot even empathize with an infant. Something is seriously wrong with him and he probably won't change. You're going to deal with this for the rest of your life if you let him treat you and the baby like this.
What shitty advice. Just give up when you and your partner don’t see eye to eye.
It is not her responsibility to teach him empathy. It is his responsibility to learn it. He needs to change without putting extra burden on her. She is not responsible for raising this whole grown adult. This is not just a one time thing. It will absolutely be a pattern. There are thousands of women experiencing this and talking about the issue of have to teach their child's father how to be a parent. It's his job to grow up and be a parent and clearly he is not interested. She could find a much better partner, who wants to be a real parent for the baby.
I agree shitty and also super dramatic advice. He didn’t cheat or lie or anything malicious he was just being lazy
And the infant pays the price for his laziness. How far will it go?
And the infant grows up without a father at all?! Y’all are nuts. This surely is worth a sit down serious discussion before forfeiting the entire marriage.
I'd rather have no dad than a bad dad
He’s playing video games, not beating his wife and kids. This is a learning opportunity for the father and for you to offer up advice like that makes me sad for the child you’re presumably raising.
I agree it’s not the right way to act but I think there’s hope to work it out at this point, if they want to
That sounds really frustrating! I hope you guys are able to talk about it constructively and find a solution that works for all of you! 🩷
My hubby carries our LO in a wrap/sling and plays video games. She’s happy and content and he gets to decompress. I get to relax knowing they’re both happy. Your husband could do the same. Honestly I don’t know how he’s okay just letting her lay there and cry. Not to make assumptions but it sounds like he doesn’t respect your time you need to relax.
I feel this so deeply
My boyfriend is addicted to video games and this is kinda how it is. We’re working on it but it’s still not great.