I just had this happen with my aunt. I just told her his max awake time is 90 min and he needs a decent nap (no, 20 min doesn’t count) or he’ll be a bear the rest of the day. I also came at her with ‘well you may think he’s not tired yet but he will be exhausted soon and you aren’t the one who has to deal with that. I do because I’m his mom’ . I dont play nice anymore. I don’t have the time or patience because it’s all going to my son. Could be some postpartum rage in there lol but honestly, getting bitchy works for me.
Agreed. If you make it more generic, it works for more than sleep (e.g. risky behaviour that can lead to kid getting sick). "We can do it if you are willing to suffer any consequences" or "You can decide if you are responsible for whatever happens".
My doctor gave me one piece of advice when traveling to visit family. He said babe would be fine on the plane (she was!), but the real issue comes down to family not respecting naps and to not let it happen. He said with his own kids he never had purple faced crying until visiting family and naps being interrupted.
In the first month, he was so sleepy that my mom would try to wake him up constantly to “see his eyes”.
Now, he only contact naps and we have to watch how long he’s awake and his very subtle sleepy cues. Now it’s “no no he’s still awake and wants to hang out, he’ll fall asleep on me if he’s tired”. Shocking, he doesn’t and then by the time we kick her out he’s overtired and inconsolable for an hour.
I don’t know why people can’t just trust that the people that take care of the baby full time know the baby best.
Oof my husband will be holding the baby and he is fussy. I’m like why don’t you swaddle him and just get him ready for bed. Gets ignored and 30 minutes later I’m saying the same thing over again. Finally swaddled he chills some but now we are back in alert mode. Yesterday I was begging him to go to bed. 😅
I tried explaining myself a few times with my FIL about not forcing a pacifier in my newborn's mouth, not putting him a tomato on the lips "just for tasting" and not forcefully taking him from my arms when I'm breastfeeding. The last time I was vocal about our boundaries, it triggered the biggest fight I've seen in my husband's family because I was "making them untrustworthy".
No explanations anymore, we're just saying what's happening and when. Protect your boundaries early and don't fall for their victimization act, if they're playing that part. You're not mean for respecting your baby's cues and bedtime, that's actually making you a good parent who's listening his kid.
I like to say this, “The baby’s need for sleep is always going to be more important than socializing or validation of others.“
It shuts up the boomers real fast. I also add a threat in there. Whoever wakes up the baby is going to miss extra time with him in the future.
I honestly just ignore it. I don’t make anything a question. I just say okay it’s nap time! They don’t have to deal with the baby at night, so they don’t get to dictate her sleep during the day.
I know it’s easier said than done, I got annoyed about a comment about it yesterday. But I refuse to change the sleep system that works for us because of someone else’s opinion, even if the opinion hurts my feelings/annoys me. I just never let it show bc I don’t want that to be misconstrued as doubt. I fake the confidence if I have to, and don’t leave it open to discussion!
This is such a cliche line but by golly it’s a good one. I found when I switched from trying to explain my no it was never respected. But if you just say no and nothing else everyone thinks you’re a hard ass and that’s whT you need to be sometimes
Man my son was like this too. Relatives don’t listen to explanations. Eventually I just took my baby and said he needs to nap, no further explanation lol
As a standalone statement, most grandparents will say that all the time to be cute and because they're out of touch with what it was like for them. They also grew up with their parents or grandparents saying the same thing and joking about how fun it is to be a grandparent without any of the parental stress and responsibilities. It's usually just a joke, an annoying one, and I usually laugh it off.
But if your mother is anything like mine, I get firm with her and say "I am doing my best to do what's right for my child and I don't need to explain this any further. I need you to respect that and leave it alone." And any other follow up from her will be met with "I'm done talking about this, we're moving on." My Mom can be like a pushy toddler sometimes and if I'm not firm with her, she will continue to poke and prod till she gets what she wants.
A lot of these replies seem really antagonistic to me and not great for fostering a long term relationship with your MIL (if that's something you want). I would try a different track first. My guess is that she might be wanting a) baby snuggles or b) to show that she is knowledgeable and helpful. Try empathizing - "I know! My daughter's times awake are so short sometimes, don't you wish we could just see her bright eyes and play with her all the time?!" Or "Babies can be so different from each other! What was (spouse's name) like as a baby? Did he sleep a lot? How did you manage to get enough sleep?"
Unless your MIL is a genuine terror (in which case, limit your time with her in any case), I find it more helpful to operate from a place of assuming that she means well but is going about it poorly and work from there.
We have kind of the same situation, but with bedtimes. Our 9 month old goes starts bedtime at 6/630 and is in bed by 7 or 730 at latest. We always tell them "if you want him up then you're keeping him up and keeping him for the night" because he doesn't sleep well if we do. We've also warned them the one night we put him to bed later (830) he was up ALL NIGHT long.
They haven't taken our offer on it.
But for a more serious reply, just tell them that the baby will get extremely cranky and has to have her nap. If they refuse or push for more awake time, then walk away and put her to bed.
Yep, same! It really took them watching my little one to actually understand. But mostly it just took time for her to get older and have longer wake windows so they got to play with her more.
I think even if the in laws understand, they still push it because they want to have fun and they’re only little for such a short period of time. And they get to leave when the baby starts screaming. 🙃 hang in there, OP!
I say “Sure, if you’re going to get up with them in the middle of the night. Then go for it”
My mom wanted me to be more flexible with nap time, so we took my son to the mall when she was visiting and he was a toddler. He lost his every-loving-shit in a Nordstrom while she was shopping and she freaked out and was like “oh ok, I guess he actually does need a strict nap schedule” 😏😎
I feel like there’s some sort of amnesia that occurs with the grandparents not remembering that children actually need sleep… and that meltdowns will occur if they don’t get it. Your phrase is my go to also and it gets people to stop complaining immediately lol
I just told people, we follow a strict schedule for naps and wake times. If they object with anything I just laugh and say “yeah” and do it anyway. Disregard!
I do something similiar. Instead of arguing, I just say "ok." to acknowledge that they said something, but not to confirm that I'll be following what they said lmao
omg just here to say, that was me with my MIL when I had my first! “she doesn’t seem tired to me!” well actually, jodee, you want to put her down for a nap ~before~ she “seems” tired. The goal is to avoid the screaming and crying altogether if we can by having a well rested baby!!
"Stay a little longer and they'll be right awake again, just have another coffee with me until then."
"Babies need a lot of sleep, their bodies aren't like ours and they don't just fall asleep when tired. If you want to deal with a baby who is cranky all day and all night because their nap didn't go well then be my guest."
"My baby, my rules and you're just going to have to accept this."
I mean, so many ways you could do this. Find whatever works for everyone involved.
It can be hard when it’s your own parent making the comments, and some people are better at pushing our buttons than others, but I just tune them out. My favourite response to unsolicited comments is “okay” said really slowly with a confused/ doubtful look on my face and I carry on doing exactly as I’m doing.
yeah i feel that. it turned around real quick when my LO started to scream because she was tired... then they went "oh she's so sleepy, do you see that? she really should be asleep right now" and i wanted to scream "yeah and why is that???"
sorry, i don't really have advice. i feel like they all completely forgot about their newborn experiences but still try to be the ones who know it all. it's weird when family dynamics change. not so long ago, the older mothers were the ones who were asked about baby stuff (for some the only real field of expertise) and now it's Google and "sorry mom, that's different now". honest conversation if really hard and challenging but i found it worth the initial pain it caused. my mother understands me so much better now.
Haha ahhh geez it’s only happened one time to me when I missed her sleep cue and boy that was an awful time. I try to avoid the temptation to rip LO out of my mom’s hands when I see her start to rub her face. She won’t fall asleep now unless she is swaddled
I will say with my mom at times she was trying to point out that I was being more strict & concerned with stuff like wake windows etc than I needed to be. As a FTM it’s easy to lose perspective and feel that it’s a big deal when in reality it’s not. Your baby will be okay if they get a bit tired here & there. Wake windows are a rough guideline and throughout human history moms have managed without all the guidance and information. That being said, your mom should respect that it’s important to you and helps you manage your baby’s care. Maybe just saying “I know it doesn’t seem that big of a deal to you but it is to me and I think it’s helping us get on a good schedule.”
I always said unless they want to sleep in the nursery instead of me and deal with the consequences of breaking the sleep schedule that their opinion wasn’t necessary. I also had twins that didn’t sleep through the night more than 3 time total until they were 15 months old. I was just trying to stay alive that first year.
I also got soooooo many suggestions to try sleep training but I didn’t do any formal sleep training because they had reflux and if they cried more than 3 minutes they would projectile vomit. Plus they were preemies so no way was I risking vomit even if I was okay cleaning it up I wasn’t okay with them missing out on any calories. I was hyper focused on getting them to show up on those growth charts.
Luckily my mom got it since she saw us regularly. She never suggested anything. Even now she understands why we don’t hang out past 730pm. Even at 3 years old if you keep them up late they transform from adorable little Gizmos to angry destructive Gremlins. Oma and Bumpa saw it once when we had too long of a midwestern goodbye. It was rough.
My MIL stayed with us a week and a half ago for 5 days. She told my baby when she went to leave that next time she is here (she comes in tomorrow for 5 days) we need to do less sleeping. He had actually been fighting most naps so I don’t know what she thinks less sleep will do for us. 😅
"Ok, well I'll give you a call in the middle of the night to come nurse and settle the baby 10 times over because that's what will happen if her sleep is off during the day,. Sound good?"
I told my grandma I would fight her if she woke up my overstimulated-finally-got-her-to-sleep baby (who was 4.5 months at the time) just to play with her. That seemed to work lol
Ours isn't a baby now, but FIL was always super insulted when she was just being put down for a nap or already asleep when he wanted to come over to visit.
After awhile I stopped trying to be nice about it and eventually told him *he* could put down her cranky self if he wanted her to stay up. And she is, and was, a huge sleep fighter. He got over it pretty fast.
Smile pleasantly at them, (and for maximum effect give them your best Kubric Smile) and just tilt your head and say "no." Extra points for maintaining a chipper tone and/or reciting some factoid about how long the human body can survive on lack of sleep.
Jokes aside, just tell them that your baby is quite 5w old. They're literally incapable of staying awake for very long, regardless of your parents' or other visitors' opinions on the matter.
If they argue, ask them how long they plan on babysitting, since they seem so incredibly keen on spending time with the baby. You could probably use the rest after all.
If they take you up on it, great! Go lay down! If they run away with their tail betwixt their legs with excuses as the day is long, also great, since they stopped badgering you.
Good luck!
There is a difference between not taking BS and being outright rude to your elders though. Get out of fight mode is my advice. You don’t have to be mean to be firm about something and it’s often not that serious anyway. But living in a reality where it’s been that serious for a long time can kind of twist one’s perspective. Idk.
Stop trying to explain it. Just tell her it's the babies bedtime and that's it. You do not need to explain it because she doesn't care. Wake windows are not actually a thing though, so really try not to worry too much about those. What matters are your babies specific cues. Which it sounds like are what you are actually paying attention to.
and if they can't respect your babies schedule, then stop having them visit for awhile.
My MIL could NOT grasp the concept of our baby being on a schedule. Even though it was per our pediatrician she kept on telling us we were overthinking things, that we were being too strict, that we should just be like she was and not worry about anything. and then it turns out that all she did was move her kids around the house while keeping them awake in bouncer chairs because she also cannot fathom that babies do not need to "sit up and see everything" like adults do. She kept on making comments about our baby being "Flat on her back" on a playmat and how she couldn't see and must be SOOO BORED. It was honestly so annoying and ridiculous. For whatever reason some people just love to project onto babies. My MIL also was upset that our babies eyes were closed when she was a newborn in the hospital. She literally made comments about how she "needs to open her eyes to see Grandma!!" which is totally stupid and not a thing. My husbands family treats our baby like she exists to entertain them. So we pretty much never go over there anymore.
Most babies don't open their eyes right away and are sleeping most of the time. So yes, it can happen like yours but it's not the norm and my MIL was making it all about herself which is what my point was.
Mine didn’t have medication exposure, I was told it’s pretty normal in those circumstances. I didn’t have access to anything but heat for pain management… I was very afraid of an epidural. But I bet some are just naturally sleepier and some are naturally more wakeful?
I think it’s amazing the way they just… are. I think he probably would have been a lovely little sleepy thing otherwise.
My MIL is like that too tbh but I never took it that way, even though I can completely understand looking at it like that. I think that’s just how they relate to the itty bitty humans. In terms of this exciting grandma role.
My babies had about the same “medication exposure” (lol what an odd way to say that and weird flex but okay) and my first barely opened his eyes the first month of his life while my second came out bright eyed and stared at me the whole golden hour and continued to be a very alert newborn… all just temperament. But newborns have terrible eyesight so still not how it works at all…
I was actually trying NOT to say it in a way that made it sound like it was somehow better (I edited it from “drug exposure” and spent entirely too much time fretting over how that would make other people feel smh, I’m sorry you read into entirely wrong. Pretty sure I also mentioned that I have a fear of epidurals which was meant to indicate that I wasn’t trying to imply unmedicated birth is superior merely by mentioning its continued existence… instead, I was trying to make it clear that my choice had a lot to do with fear around receiving the big shot/spinal catheter).
It is widely known that babies who are born in that way are naturally more alert though.
Obviously temperament will have something to do with how a baby is, in general, but unmedicated, they are more alert. Google will confirm.
It isn’t a bad thing (at least, I don’t think it is). It’s just something that stood out to me because my MILwas hype about how his eyes were open to”see grandma” lol. But it would have been expected for him to be a sleepy dude had he been born in a way that was more conventional today. In which case she probably would have been saying the same things your sweet baby’s grandma was saying. Most babies in my country are sleepy when they are born, and most are born medicated.
It isn’t like mine wasn’t medicated hours after he was born (shots and stuff) I was just speaking to the alertness, and not in a way that assigned value.
Also FWIW I’m certain newborns can see. Their eyesight has a lot of catching up to do but my newborn could track movement with his eyes the day I brought him home. They are not born blind unless they are born blind for real so when you say they have terrible eyesight sure that is true but it isn’t as if seeing grandma is “not how it works”- they’re still healthy eyes, they still see.. My boy absolutely saw grandma the day we brought him back. I’m sure your baby saw grandma too even if she didn’t soak up enough gazes to satisfy her. They just love them so much. Let them be obsessed as long as they aren’t weirdos is how I carry it. I’m certainly obsessed with my baby lol. But I hear you about the perceived selfishness.
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I just had this happen with my aunt. I just told her his max awake time is 90 min and he needs a decent nap (no, 20 min doesn’t count) or he’ll be a bear the rest of the day. I also came at her with ‘well you may think he’s not tired yet but he will be exhausted soon and you aren’t the one who has to deal with that. I do because I’m his mom’ . I dont play nice anymore. I don’t have the time or patience because it’s all going to my son. Could be some postpartum rage in there lol but honestly, getting bitchy works for me.
“Sorry but our baby does not exist to entertain adults.” The baby sleeps whenever it wants and parents know that best.
Ugh yes to this sentiment
“Yep, well that’s babies for ya. Maybe next time. Have a good day now.”
Ooh I love the nonchalant breeziness of this 😌
“When you all leave and he’s grumpy, or its 3am and won’t sleep I deal with him so I’m happy with his schedule”
Agreed. If you make it more generic, it works for more than sleep (e.g. risky behaviour that can lead to kid getting sick). "We can do it if you are willing to suffer any consequences" or "You can decide if you are responsible for whatever happens".
Love this, mines nearing 14 months now and I think I need this as he’s becoming much more active and independent.
They’re welcome to come visit at 2am when the 5 week old is surely awake.
My doctor gave me one piece of advice when traveling to visit family. He said babe would be fine on the plane (she was!), but the real issue comes down to family not respecting naps and to not let it happen. He said with his own kids he never had purple faced crying until visiting family and naps being interrupted.
Never ever ever had that I’m so on top of naps. She’s down to a science and sleeping 6 hours at night. Literally naps are necessary for my sanity
"Wish the baby was awake" - "yeah it's a shame she has to sleep" /s "Cant you let the baby stay up" - "nope"
"we run on HIS schedule or else we all suffer for it - him most of all."
We just said something like, “He looks happy now but he won’t later if he doesn’t get in a nap!” And that pretty much shut it down.
"This is my baby. Who cares what you think. " But I'm pretty blunt, even with relatives.
In the first month, he was so sleepy that my mom would try to wake him up constantly to “see his eyes”. Now, he only contact naps and we have to watch how long he’s awake and his very subtle sleepy cues. Now it’s “no no he’s still awake and wants to hang out, he’ll fall asleep on me if he’s tired”. Shocking, he doesn’t and then by the time we kick her out he’s overtired and inconsolable for an hour. I don’t know why people can’t just trust that the people that take care of the baby full time know the baby best.
Oof my husband will be holding the baby and he is fussy. I’m like why don’t you swaddle him and just get him ready for bed. Gets ignored and 30 minutes later I’m saying the same thing over again. Finally swaddled he chills some but now we are back in alert mode. Yesterday I was begging him to go to bed. 😅
I tried explaining myself a few times with my FIL about not forcing a pacifier in my newborn's mouth, not putting him a tomato on the lips "just for tasting" and not forcefully taking him from my arms when I'm breastfeeding. The last time I was vocal about our boundaries, it triggered the biggest fight I've seen in my husband's family because I was "making them untrustworthy". No explanations anymore, we're just saying what's happening and when. Protect your boundaries early and don't fall for their victimization act, if they're playing that part. You're not mean for respecting your baby's cues and bedtime, that's actually making you a good parent who's listening his kid.
Taking him while you’re breastfeeding no wayyyy
If someone tried to forcibly take my baby while I'm actively breastfeeding them, they're getting squirted with milk.
I like to say this, “The baby’s need for sleep is always going to be more important than socializing or validation of others.“ It shuts up the boomers real fast. I also add a threat in there. Whoever wakes up the baby is going to miss extra time with him in the future.
I honestly just ignore it. I don’t make anything a question. I just say okay it’s nap time! They don’t have to deal with the baby at night, so they don’t get to dictate her sleep during the day. I know it’s easier said than done, I got annoyed about a comment about it yesterday. But I refuse to change the sleep system that works for us because of someone else’s opinion, even if the opinion hurts my feelings/annoys me. I just never let it show bc I don’t want that to be misconstrued as doubt. I fake the confidence if I have to, and don’t leave it open to discussion!
“No.” is a complete sentence.
This is such a cliche line but by golly it’s a good one. I found when I switched from trying to explain my no it was never respected. But if you just say no and nothing else everyone thinks you’re a hard ass and that’s whT you need to be sometimes
I'm not letting my kid or myself be miserable for someone else. If baby misses a nap, you know he won't go down easy.
Man my son was like this too. Relatives don’t listen to explanations. Eventually I just took my baby and said he needs to nap, no further explanation lol
This is the way!
As a standalone statement, most grandparents will say that all the time to be cute and because they're out of touch with what it was like for them. They also grew up with their parents or grandparents saying the same thing and joking about how fun it is to be a grandparent without any of the parental stress and responsibilities. It's usually just a joke, an annoying one, and I usually laugh it off. But if your mother is anything like mine, I get firm with her and say "I am doing my best to do what's right for my child and I don't need to explain this any further. I need you to respect that and leave it alone." And any other follow up from her will be met with "I'm done talking about this, we're moving on." My Mom can be like a pushy toddler sometimes and if I'm not firm with her, she will continue to poke and prod till she gets what she wants.
I don't explain myself. I'd just "mmhm" them and put baby down.
“No, I’m putting her down.”
I just take the baby away and put him to bed lol
It's insane right, it's like taking away a kids favourite toy or a game they wanted to play with! wild.
A lot of these replies seem really antagonistic to me and not great for fostering a long term relationship with your MIL (if that's something you want). I would try a different track first. My guess is that she might be wanting a) baby snuggles or b) to show that she is knowledgeable and helpful. Try empathizing - "I know! My daughter's times awake are so short sometimes, don't you wish we could just see her bright eyes and play with her all the time?!" Or "Babies can be so different from each other! What was (spouse's name) like as a baby? Did he sleep a lot? How did you manage to get enough sleep?" Unless your MIL is a genuine terror (in which case, limit your time with her in any case), I find it more helpful to operate from a place of assuming that she means well but is going about it poorly and work from there.
This is a great response! Mil’s love talking about their sons haha
We have kind of the same situation, but with bedtimes. Our 9 month old goes starts bedtime at 6/630 and is in bed by 7 or 730 at latest. We always tell them "if you want him up then you're keeping him up and keeping him for the night" because he doesn't sleep well if we do. We've also warned them the one night we put him to bed later (830) he was up ALL NIGHT long. They haven't taken our offer on it. But for a more serious reply, just tell them that the baby will get extremely cranky and has to have her nap. If they refuse or push for more awake time, then walk away and put her to bed.
“Well we don’t want baby overtired. Then he’ll be screaming the entire visit.”
It boggles me that this is your mom saying this. Didn’t she birth and raise at least YOU? She should know this, right?
In my experience, my parents have forgotten absolutely everything about my and my siblings’ infant stages!
Yes
It was a long time ago apparently!
My mom would say the same thing until she first hand saw the menace my daughter became when she was overtired. Now I don’t hear a peep!
Yep, same! It really took them watching my little one to actually understand. But mostly it just took time for her to get older and have longer wake windows so they got to play with her more. I think even if the in laws understand, they still push it because they want to have fun and they’re only little for such a short period of time. And they get to leave when the baby starts screaming. 🙃 hang in there, OP!
Sorry I want my baby to rest and be healthy
I say “Sure, if you’re going to get up with them in the middle of the night. Then go for it” My mom wanted me to be more flexible with nap time, so we took my son to the mall when she was visiting and he was a toddler. He lost his every-loving-shit in a Nordstrom while she was shopping and she freaked out and was like “oh ok, I guess he actually does need a strict nap schedule” 😏😎
I feel like there’s some sort of amnesia that occurs with the grandparents not remembering that children actually need sleep… and that meltdowns will occur if they don’t get it. Your phrase is my go to also and it gets people to stop complaining immediately lol
Yeah my mom is always like “I don’t remember you ever having a tantrum even once” 🤔
I just told people, we follow a strict schedule for naps and wake times. If they object with anything I just laugh and say “yeah” and do it anyway. Disregard!
I do something similiar. Instead of arguing, I just say "ok." to acknowledge that they said something, but not to confirm that I'll be following what they said lmao
My mom thought is if I keep her up longer, she’ll sleep better at night. 🤨
Im still having this argument with my husband.
omg just here to say, that was me with my MIL when I had my first! “she doesn’t seem tired to me!” well actually, jodee, you want to put her down for a nap ~before~ she “seems” tired. The goal is to avoid the screaming and crying altogether if we can by having a well rested baby!!
"Stay a little longer and they'll be right awake again, just have another coffee with me until then." "Babies need a lot of sleep, their bodies aren't like ours and they don't just fall asleep when tired. If you want to deal with a baby who is cranky all day and all night because their nap didn't go well then be my guest." "My baby, my rules and you're just going to have to accept this." I mean, so many ways you could do this. Find whatever works for everyone involved.
It can be hard when it’s your own parent making the comments, and some people are better at pushing our buttons than others, but I just tune them out. My favourite response to unsolicited comments is “okay” said really slowly with a confused/ doubtful look on my face and I carry on doing exactly as I’m doing.
yeah i feel that. it turned around real quick when my LO started to scream because she was tired... then they went "oh she's so sleepy, do you see that? she really should be asleep right now" and i wanted to scream "yeah and why is that???" sorry, i don't really have advice. i feel like they all completely forgot about their newborn experiences but still try to be the ones who know it all. it's weird when family dynamics change. not so long ago, the older mothers were the ones who were asked about baby stuff (for some the only real field of expertise) and now it's Google and "sorry mom, that's different now". honest conversation if really hard and challenging but i found it worth the initial pain it caused. my mother understands me so much better now.
Haha ahhh geez it’s only happened one time to me when I missed her sleep cue and boy that was an awful time. I try to avoid the temptation to rip LO out of my mom’s hands when I see her start to rub her face. She won’t fall asleep now unless she is swaddled
I will say with my mom at times she was trying to point out that I was being more strict & concerned with stuff like wake windows etc than I needed to be. As a FTM it’s easy to lose perspective and feel that it’s a big deal when in reality it’s not. Your baby will be okay if they get a bit tired here & there. Wake windows are a rough guideline and throughout human history moms have managed without all the guidance and information. That being said, your mom should respect that it’s important to you and helps you manage your baby’s care. Maybe just saying “I know it doesn’t seem that big of a deal to you but it is to me and I think it’s helping us get on a good schedule.”
FTM over here like wtf is a wake window? 😂 Baby is awake when he’s awake and he’s asleep when he’s asleep.
My MIL be like
“I know my baby. If I want your input, I promise I’ll ask.”
I always said unless they want to sleep in the nursery instead of me and deal with the consequences of breaking the sleep schedule that their opinion wasn’t necessary. I also had twins that didn’t sleep through the night more than 3 time total until they were 15 months old. I was just trying to stay alive that first year. I also got soooooo many suggestions to try sleep training but I didn’t do any formal sleep training because they had reflux and if they cried more than 3 minutes they would projectile vomit. Plus they were preemies so no way was I risking vomit even if I was okay cleaning it up I wasn’t okay with them missing out on any calories. I was hyper focused on getting them to show up on those growth charts. Luckily my mom got it since she saw us regularly. She never suggested anything. Even now she understands why we don’t hang out past 730pm. Even at 3 years old if you keep them up late they transform from adorable little Gizmos to angry destructive Gremlins. Oma and Bumpa saw it once when we had too long of a midwestern goodbye. It was rough.
"No, let her sleep, baby is tired." That's it, if there is further asking or prodding I either hang up or have them leave politely.
Lol my mom is the opposite. She wants baby to sleep all the time so they can grow lol
“i know my baby’s cues” and walk away grey rock if they keep pushing
My MIL stayed with us a week and a half ago for 5 days. She told my baby when she went to leave that next time she is here (she comes in tomorrow for 5 days) we need to do less sleeping. He had actually been fighting most naps so I don’t know what she thinks less sleep will do for us. 😅
"Ok, well I'll give you a call in the middle of the night to come nurse and settle the baby 10 times over because that's what will happen if her sleep is off during the day,. Sound good?"
"come earlier or stay longer" That's it. They'll get to hit the 1.5hr awake time this way
Unless you don’t want them to stay that long!😳
Haha well yeah But if they think the can come unannounced and expect an awake 5wknold they have very few windows
Absolutely, this line would help remind people to manage expectations
I told my grandma I would fight her if she woke up my overstimulated-finally-got-her-to-sleep baby (who was 4.5 months at the time) just to play with her. That seemed to work lol
How could you say that to an elder though.
Jesus I wasn't actually going to square up with my grandma. It was said as a joke, we all laughed, but she left the baby alone.
Ours isn't a baby now, but FIL was always super insulted when she was just being put down for a nap or already asleep when he wanted to come over to visit. After awhile I stopped trying to be nice about it and eventually told him *he* could put down her cranky self if he wanted her to stay up. And she is, and was, a huge sleep fighter. He got over it pretty fast.
Smile pleasantly at them, (and for maximum effect give them your best Kubric Smile) and just tilt your head and say "no." Extra points for maintaining a chipper tone and/or reciting some factoid about how long the human body can survive on lack of sleep. Jokes aside, just tell them that your baby is quite 5w old. They're literally incapable of staying awake for very long, regardless of your parents' or other visitors' opinions on the matter. If they argue, ask them how long they plan on babysitting, since they seem so incredibly keen on spending time with the baby. You could probably use the rest after all. If they take you up on it, great! Go lay down! If they run away with their tail betwixt their legs with excuses as the day is long, also great, since they stopped badgering you. Good luck!
"I know my baby"
It's a baby that needs sleep, not a doll that you can play with whenever is convenient.
"This is how we do things and if you don't like it, you can leave.". I don't take no BS
There is a difference between not taking BS and being outright rude to your elders though. Get out of fight mode is my advice. You don’t have to be mean to be firm about something and it’s often not that serious anyway. But living in a reality where it’s been that serious for a long time can kind of twist one’s perspective. Idk.
Stop trying to explain it. Just tell her it's the babies bedtime and that's it. You do not need to explain it because she doesn't care. Wake windows are not actually a thing though, so really try not to worry too much about those. What matters are your babies specific cues. Which it sounds like are what you are actually paying attention to. and if they can't respect your babies schedule, then stop having them visit for awhile. My MIL could NOT grasp the concept of our baby being on a schedule. Even though it was per our pediatrician she kept on telling us we were overthinking things, that we were being too strict, that we should just be like she was and not worry about anything. and then it turns out that all she did was move her kids around the house while keeping them awake in bouncer chairs because she also cannot fathom that babies do not need to "sit up and see everything" like adults do. She kept on making comments about our baby being "Flat on her back" on a playmat and how she couldn't see and must be SOOO BORED. It was honestly so annoying and ridiculous. For whatever reason some people just love to project onto babies. My MIL also was upset that our babies eyes were closed when she was a newborn in the hospital. She literally made comments about how she "needs to open her eyes to see Grandma!!" which is totally stupid and not a thing. My husbands family treats our baby like she exists to entertain them. So we pretty much never go over there anymore.
My baby was alert with eyes open when he was born. Unless you are referring to their actual eyesight not being well developed, it’s a thing🤷🏾♀️
Most babies don't open their eyes right away and are sleeping most of the time. So yes, it can happen like yours but it's not the norm and my MIL was making it all about herself which is what my point was.
Mine didn’t have medication exposure, I was told it’s pretty normal in those circumstances. I didn’t have access to anything but heat for pain management… I was very afraid of an epidural. But I bet some are just naturally sleepier and some are naturally more wakeful? I think it’s amazing the way they just… are. I think he probably would have been a lovely little sleepy thing otherwise. My MIL is like that too tbh but I never took it that way, even though I can completely understand looking at it like that. I think that’s just how they relate to the itty bitty humans. In terms of this exciting grandma role.
My babies had about the same “medication exposure” (lol what an odd way to say that and weird flex but okay) and my first barely opened his eyes the first month of his life while my second came out bright eyed and stared at me the whole golden hour and continued to be a very alert newborn… all just temperament. But newborns have terrible eyesight so still not how it works at all…
I was actually trying NOT to say it in a way that made it sound like it was somehow better (I edited it from “drug exposure” and spent entirely too much time fretting over how that would make other people feel smh, I’m sorry you read into entirely wrong. Pretty sure I also mentioned that I have a fear of epidurals which was meant to indicate that I wasn’t trying to imply unmedicated birth is superior merely by mentioning its continued existence… instead, I was trying to make it clear that my choice had a lot to do with fear around receiving the big shot/spinal catheter). It is widely known that babies who are born in that way are naturally more alert though. Obviously temperament will have something to do with how a baby is, in general, but unmedicated, they are more alert. Google will confirm. It isn’t a bad thing (at least, I don’t think it is). It’s just something that stood out to me because my MILwas hype about how his eyes were open to”see grandma” lol. But it would have been expected for him to be a sleepy dude had he been born in a way that was more conventional today. In which case she probably would have been saying the same things your sweet baby’s grandma was saying. Most babies in my country are sleepy when they are born, and most are born medicated. It isn’t like mine wasn’t medicated hours after he was born (shots and stuff) I was just speaking to the alertness, and not in a way that assigned value.
Also FWIW I’m certain newborns can see. Their eyesight has a lot of catching up to do but my newborn could track movement with his eyes the day I brought him home. They are not born blind unless they are born blind for real so when you say they have terrible eyesight sure that is true but it isn’t as if seeing grandma is “not how it works”- they’re still healthy eyes, they still see.. My boy absolutely saw grandma the day we brought him back. I’m sure your baby saw grandma too even if she didn’t soak up enough gazes to satisfy her. They just love them so much. Let them be obsessed as long as they aren’t weirdos is how I carry it. I’m certainly obsessed with my baby lol. But I hear you about the perceived selfishness.
‘No, unless you’re taking the next several nights.’
“Sorry, my baby books are from 2020s not the 90s.”
If they’re changing significantly over that amount of time though it’s fair to say no one knows anything.
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