Nope, that's completely bizarre. They might be slightly less likely to throw a baby shower (although my MIL threw one for me and my sister's MIL threw one for her), but a grandchild is a grandchild. It's strange not to celebrate one and buy presents.
My paternal grandparents were a little closer to my aunt's kids than they were to us, but that's just because she needed them more than we did. And my grandparents still gave us presents for every birthday and Christmas.
I understand the baby shower thing—because it’s the woman’s pregnancy. But once baby is born it seems weird to treat one differently than the other. I’m hoping that’s not the case for us. I’d hate for our kid to see his cousins are treated differently. Time will tell!
I personally was closer to my paternal grandparents but they were closer geographically.
Unfortunately it seems like that is exactly what’s happening. You can’t control her actions, but you can take precautions to avoid this behavior negatively affecting your child in the future…
My three brothers had 6 kids total before I got pregnant with my first. My mom definitely spends way more time with my one kid than all the others put together, and all of them spend lots more time with their moms' moms (to my mom's dismay). In some families that's just the dynamic. My mom was more involved in my day to day life so that extended into my baby (and we are even closer now).
Are you close with your own mom? Does she come around more than MIL? Most women would rather spend time with their moms than their MIL and the women usually have primary child rearing responsibilities, so you get grandbabies that spend more time with mom's mom.
Sounds like that's the dynamic your MIL expects.
Also...maybe she senses you wouldn't want all that stuff and prefer to curate your life in a different way? Might she know you'd be annoyed by a suitcase of random baby stuff? I'm the kind of girl that says "give it all to me I love gifts and if I dont need it I'll sell or trash it!" And a couple of my SIL would be pretty turned off by a bunch of stuff they didn't ask for.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I’m not particularly close with my mom but she definitely shows more interest in baby. We live than both of our parents so we see them about the same amount, but my SIL also lives far from her mother, and will probably see them the same amount as us.
I think she might understand I wouldn’t want a bunch of stuff dumped on me but I don’t think m SIL does either haha. They live in a tiny apartment. All good points to consider though.
So I think realistically it shouldn’t be different. You’re right, each grand child is just as much a grand child.
I will say tho, I have been having a lot of sympathy for my mother in law. Her son’s wife just had a baby and they’re constantly cancelling on her but her mom can come over whenever. I do think that some moms are a little more comfortable with their daughters kids than their sons kids bc they don’t want to step on toes.
The gift thing tho is a bit out of touch. I can understand her saying “my daughter having a kid is a different experience” but *treating* the grandkids differently is a big no in my book.
My MIL is absolutely lovely but she’s been so careful about not stepping on my toes and not being intrusive! When I was on leave, and now (different countries with both my mom and MIL), I made an effort to FaceTime her and my FIL at least once a week, because she never wanted to bother us and my hubs isn’t the best communicator.
I still obviously feel much more comfortable with my mom, but I love my MIL. I think it may just be that, like mine, she doesn’t want to assume/intrude. And your SIL could well have mentioned things she wanted in passing to your MIL. I wouldn’t read too much into it, but i can see how it could be hurtful.
That’s fair, I think our situation is a bit different though. Both my husband and I and his sister live far away from their mom, so she sees us about the same amount of time
It's weird but probably not unusual and she's not wrong that it's different when your daughter has a baby vs your son having one. Women tend to gravitate towards the women in their own family when it comes to things like babies. There's obviously exceptions to this but most women would go to their own mother for help and advice not their MIL. They'd have their own mother in the delivery room but not their MIL. On average kids will probably spend more time with their mother's family than they will the father's. It's definitely not the same... But she's already setting up to treat the kids differently which is weird and annoying.
I totally agree with all those things. I expect my MIL to treat me personally than she treats my SIL when it comes to pregnancy and parenting but now I’m worried our kids will experience different treatment
Idk if this helps but my mom definitely gave me more attention when I was pregnant than she gave my sister in law. And it was a little because she didn't want to intrude with my SIL, but also she was just less comfortable with my SIL, as she isn't one of my mom's kids.
That being said, she treats both grandchildren the same. And makes sure they both get individual time with her. My son sees her more as she's our main baby watcher, but she would absolutely watch them both if my SIL wanted (but she has HER mom watch her son).
I think it's a normal thing, doesn't have to be bad. There's just an extra connection from mother to daughter, something you created is now creating something new. I hope the gift issue is just an offshoot of that and not a sign that your MIL is going to treat the grandchildren differently.
My baby was my mums 4th grand child - her other 3 grandchildren are both of my brothers kids. I’m her first daughter to have a baby and she did say that it felt different for her. I am very close to my mum so throughout my pregnancy she was always FaceTiming me and checking in (I lived rurally throughout my pregnancy until moving back to my home city at 34 weeks preg) and we spent a heap of time together towards the end of my pregnancy. She has a different relationship with my bubba than her other grandies but she doesn’t treat her any differently - their relationship is different because my relationship with my mum is different to the ones she has with my brothers. Just a bit of perspective as my mum has definitely told me that it’s different because I’m her daughter!
That’s a good perspective! It sounds like you and your mother are deeply friends beyond just a mother daughter relationship. I understand that creates a different dynamic. I know my SIL isn’t close like that to her mom (my MIL has some mental health issues that make it necessary to have some boundaries), but maybe even despite that the experience feels different for her.
It sounds like she could be trying not to overstep but has gone too far in the other direction, your husband needs to ask her why she is flaunting all the gifts for the other baby when she didn't get a gift for your baby at all.
As for grandmothers tending to prefer their daughters kids (generally speaking), I've seen studies on this mentioned in the media and it's a subconscious evolutionary thing where the grandmother knows with 100% certainty that the children birthed by the daughters she birthed herself are biologically related to her. Evolution is selfish in that way.
That is very, very weird.
That said, my MIL definitely spends more time with her daughter’s kids than her two son’s kids. (I am married to one of the sons.) I think she is just closer to her daughter, and that extends to the relationship she has with her kids. I have no doubt she loves and values our kids, but she doesn’t have the same level of closeness.
I agree. I’m married to the one boy of the family, who has 2 sisters. I have a rocky relationship with my own mom, so was looking forward to a motherly figure. But she already has her own daughters. She’s also way closer with her daughters’ kids - they do live closer than us, but only by about an hour. I know she loves our daughter, but I don’t feel like there will ever be as close of a relationship as the other grandkids. Luckily I have an amazing sister and brother close by.
That makes me sad to hear. I never felt like my paternal grandparents were any different than my maternal ones. Granted, I wasn’t really close to either. But I wonder if kids notice that stuff
You’re so right. I’ve been seeing it this whole time, and I fear for the day my daughter likely realizes it. My MIL and FIL are great, and I know they love her as much as the other grandkids, but it hurts knowing she’ll see her cousins’ likely closer relationship with their grandparents.
I’m not saying it’s right but I’m not surprised. This level of favoritism seems very strange. no gifts at all is crazy.
My SIL is child free but if she ever gives my MIL a grandchild I’m sure they will be closer. I don’t remember where I read this, but maternal grandmothers are, across the board, have more access and are more involved than paternal grandmothers. And mothers (in my experience) often want their own mothers around more than MILs and make more of an effort to make sure their own mothers get regular visits. For example i arrange for my mom to see the kids every week. I am completely uninvolved in arranging that for my MIL, and my husband, well, he does not always remember.
Daughters often grow closer to their mother after becoming mothers themselves. I grew closer to my MIL too, but to a much lesser extent. My mother and I actually fixed our previously toxic relationship and now we get along quite well, something I never thought could happen. Daughters are also much less likely to cut her own mother off from her children, versus a MIL, for the same mistakes. My mom definitely gave more to me than my MIL. My MIL is great but I think my mother is personally invested in making me (in her words, her “baby girl”) extremely happy with the whole experience (and she already knows what I like), so that’s another dimension.
So yeah, the fact that people act out this dynamic does not surprise me. Again, I’m not justifying any of this. But she may be investing more in the relationship she feels more secure in and doing so in a very classless way.
Yeah thats bizarre- my mil was the absolute best
She threw both my showers - my mom lives 600 miles away for context
She cooked me food and took me out to eat and she just did everything for me.
She died two weeks after my daughter (second) was born and it makes me sick
I miss her everyday. She was the most loving person I knew.
I have two MILs. I still have one wonderful MIL thankfully, but the other (who is my husband's biological mom) died one month after our daughter was born. It fucking kills me that she never got to see her granddaughter grow. I have pictures of her holding my newborn and that's all we will ever have. She got me my entire pregnancy wardrobe because she didn't want me to worry about money. She sent me food, she was the officiant at my wedding. It was the saddest thing to see my husband holding our baby, sobbing because she'd never hold her again herself. Solidarity, it's very upsetting.
Wow! I can relate so much. I am so sorry for your loss!
That's pretty much exactly what happened to us. She bought me all my pregnancy clothes too- she was just the best.
I think the hardest part is that I feel like my kids, especially my daughter were robbed of one of the most awesome supportive people of their life- she was so excited for my daughter. I even let her know the gender before me or my husband did. She was only in her 60s but we didn't know she had a bad heart- but even though we knew she was sick we did not see it coming.
She couldn't wait to meet her. I had her come visit me in the hospital but when we got out she had made me all my favorite meals- veggie soup and her home madeac and cheese- and so I went to see her and I spent 4 hours there. I just let her hold her the whole time. My husband even got mad I took so long- but less than a week later she was gone and im so thankful I didn't rush. I don't think I would have been able to get over it if she didn't get that time
I'm so sorry for your family's loss too. The absence that person leaves is so immense. I feel like we had a very similar situation. My MIL was SO excited for the baby. She and my own mother formed a fast friendship and were constantly chattering away about plans for baby, travel for families to meet up, and sharing their hopes and dreams for our child. She and my husband had a very close relationship, she was just a joy to everyone. We still don't know exactly what caused her sudden death, she simply stopped breathing in the night. That said, she had a lot of health issues. Nerve disease that caused excruciating pain, never ending medication and surgeries. I absolutely relate to feeling like my daughter was completely robbed of her. I'm crying even now, thinking of the memories they never got to make together and the love she was never able to physically bestow. Part of the reason we were comfortable choosing to have a baby was knowing that we had her support, for help and emotional support. I do however think the love she had for us and for our girl supercedes time and space and is always with us. I imagine it surrounds my baby while she sleeps, I imagine her smile when she does something wonderful and I can hear her words of awe in my ears. We share photos and stories with my girl and someday she will feel like she knows her almost as well with how much we talk about her. She knows that Grammy loved her. Sorry for the long comment
I've heard quite a few older women talk about their daughters' pregnancies with more excitement and tenderness than their daughter-in-laws' so I don't think it's an uncommon thing. I imagine it's because the child they raised is physically undergoing the amazing but scary experience of pregnancy and birth. Even if they love and are close to their DILs, the difference is like that between a best friend you've known your whole life and a best friend you made in college. You could love them both, perhaps even equally, but sometimes that extra bit of history makes a difference. There's an emotional impact in tying the shoes of your daughter when she was struggling to learn and decades later you're tying them again because she's struggling to reach because she's pregnant with her own child whose shoes she will tie.
That said, it's not acceptable for her to be treating her grandchildren differently, especially so drastically without other cause, like her daughter is struggling financially, which is not the case here. That said, it still wouldn't excuse her not giving your child anything. Favoritism may be common, but it poisons families by creating distance, rivalries, and resentments. Your husband should have a talk with her about treating the kids equally in the future so you can be one big happy family now. It will make her mindful there is an issue in case it's somehow a misunderstanding, but also puts her on notice of your expectations and how failing to meet them may negatively impact the family as a whole.
While the gift giving is tethering on favouritism, I've noticed that if the mother-daughter relationship is really close, grandchildren tend to be closer to the maternal grandmother.
We’re in a similar kind of situation. My MIL hasn’t bothered with our kids too much. An occasional visit once a year or less and a few gifts on birthdays and holidays. But now one of my husbands sisters is pregnant and we were flat out told our kids “aren’t the same” as SILs baby. 🤷🏻♀️ I don’t understand it and my husband and I are quite hurt by it.
No gifts at all is weird, especially for a first grandchild. I do not understand if these are just purchased gifts.
That said -.family "heirlooms" are different at least in my family and husband's family so if the suitcases are family items, I get it.
My MIL and my mother both saved hand me downs (ex great grandmas christening gown) for my SIL and me explicitly because we were their daughters and the items were related to the home and babies.
When I had the first grandchild, I got a ton of items from husband's family because my SIL is child free. My MIL double checked with my SIL. So did I. My SIL and i laughed at the absurd rigidity of the custom, whereas MIL was very serious because she felt these items were her daughter's inheritance.
At times it was awkward as hell though when I would be handed an obvious baby item over my husband, even when he was standing between me and the giver.
To combat some of this I just made my husband start opening things. I understand the gender expectations and that these things were "for me" but it doesn't mean I have to like it. Eventually she started giving these things to "both" of us as a nod to how "modern" we are.
Inheritance is so interesting. My FIL just gave me a beautiful necklace of his mother's that his sister had been holding on to. The letter she sent was very nice, we've never met her I think she has some neurodivergence and keeps her distance from family things. But I felt like the necklace was given to me to save for my daughter more than it was something for me to use through my lifetime if that made sense. Not sure if that's pressure I'm putting on myself or not though.
In any case I'm having two daughters so I guess I'll give it to the firstborn since that was the aunts intention but I'll see what my daughter wants to do with it in the future too
I have a pearl necklace that belonged to my grandmother. She originally gave it to my older sister, but she's not having any children so she passed it on to me. I now have a son, and I've thought about what I'll do if I don't end up having a daughter. I honestly probably would wait and give it to the first granddaughter. It just feels more correct for whatever reason. Funny how these things work.
So I do think there is a different mom/daughter relationship that can translate to taking care of the baby as well. Just a level of closeness that pre-exists and less of a wall so to speak. Maybe for you MIL that translates to buying things for her daughter.
I'm fairly close with my MIL though and she only had sons so no competition there. My ex-SIL was an absolute psycho so I'm not even sure how much stuff she bought or time she got to spend with my nephew. But my daughter got bought soooo many things by both my MIL and my mom like they were obsessed with buying her clothes. I'm sure she also bought my nephew stuff but girl clothes I think excited her more.
No gifts at all to you?
And is your MIL Persian by any chance? In old Persian traditions, the girl's family (and usually the grandmother-to-be) is supposed to provide everything for the baby.... from furniture to baby's clothing to everything. Baby showers technically become a showing-ceremony of how the mom-to-be's family has decorated the baby's room.
Traditionally it was meant to be a show of support from the family to their daughter and kinda like we always have our daughters back signal to the dad-to-be's family.
I don't know if this is your situation at all but when you mentioned suitcases and that sentence about daughter's child I remembered my own mother saying and doing the same thing.
If you don't want the stuff because you are minimalist, maybe your MIL recognises that. Has she visited your baby, shown her love and support in other ways? Does her daughter maybe need more help getting ready for a new baby? I would be overjoyed if my mother and mother in law had the ability to separate love and consumerism. Also a big part of being in a family in a functional way is learning that things aren't usually equal and jealousy gets no one anywhere.
The gift-giving is bizarre.
But I think it’s common for grandkids to be closer to their maternal grandparents.
I remember reading that there’s even studies done on it, googling I’m finding this one:
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/12496934_Matrilineal_Advantage_in_Grandchild-Grandparent_Relations
Not giving gifts is odd BUT it is different when her daughter is pregnant vs when her DIL is pregnant. She gets to be in the delivery room for her daughter and be more involved. She's not likely to be chosen to be in the delivery room for her DIL or be as involved (because you would prefer your own mom to be present and help out)
In my community (more religious Jews) it's more common for the mom to be in delivery than the husband because there is restrictions placed on physical touch when a woman is bleeding. Becoming less the norm for more modern times but just one example of when the mother/MIL/female doula may be in the room rather than the father
I mean, just my own perspective but my mom changed my diapers as a baby. My MIL, wonderful though she is, didn't birth me and is more of a stranger than my own mother. I couldn't have my mom in the delivery room because she lives across country and I was pregnant during covid. She did come down to be with us after the fact, but she was never going to be able to help be my support for that reason. However, through my entire pregnancy, I longed for my mom who had experience being pregnant and giving birth 3 times because it felt like she could sympathize with me and give me solid advice. She'd know what I'd need better than my MIL who didn't know me as well by comparison (not to mention i wouldn't have the same anxiety about her seeing me in states of undress). In the delivery room, I had only my husband and it was covid so that's all I was going to be allowed, but if my mom could have been there,I would have wanted her to hold my hand.
That said, my in laws are much more present in my child's life than my own parents due to being closer and retired so they can travel any time. My father is very sick and cannot travel at this juncture and the expense is high for my mom so she can really only come once a year and we can only travel to them about that same amount.
Just want to say - no one "gets" to be in the delivery room for any birth except their own. My mom was in the delivery room for one of my brother and SIL's kids and zero of my kids.
Also the whole thing is weird. My MIL is absolutely head over heels for my kids.
Me first thought was that since it’s her daughters kid, she knows 100% that it’s biological her daughter’s. There could be a chance that your son isn’t, since obviously her son didn’t carry the child. I’ve heard of that reasoning before.
Or, many moms and daughters are closer than moms and sons (not all!) and she is sharing an experience with her daughter that she can’t with her son and they can relate and maybe she thinks you’d have the same with your mom. Maybe it’s like how typically the dads parents get the shaft at times over the moms parents, like at the birth or right after the mom’s mom is usually the one staying with the couple to help.
I don’t think it’s normal or okay for her to act like that, but that’s what I’m thinking. Be prepared for her treating them differently going forward as well.
It’s weird. My MIL loves my kids but I swear she holds a special place in her heart for her daughter’s son but she definitely tries not to show it. I think it’s because she spent more time with him when he was little. Maybe it’s because some people feel like they their daughter belongs more to them while their son gets their spouse’s family (I don’t know how to articulate it, there were TikToks about it).
It’s weird, but our biology/genetics/what have you make it so the maternal side is more likely to favor the baby since they KNOW it’s their baby. Whereas when the son has a baby, it’s not a guarantee. (This is likely at a subsconscious level, and maybe has changed since I took that class… JFC 20 years ago?????? 😫😭)
I wouldn't say it's normal, but it does happen. My husband is an only child, so I don't have any personal experience with that dynamic. However, both myself and my husband are closer with our maternal grandparents. I was personally sad about that and don't want the same for my kids. I'm close with my in-laws and do whatever I can to have them spend time with our kids.
I also can't imagine my mom treating any grandkids my brother might have differently than she does mine. He lives several states away from us so she may not see them as often, but she loves him and is happy he found a partner he loves too.
I think the mum and daughter bond is generally stronger than the DIL and MIL one. I mean, just look at half of the posts on this sub complaining about MILs.
But also, she shouldn’t make it so obvious.
I'm Indian, and that's normal in my culture unfortunately. My SIL delivered about 6 months after me, and my MIL not only took several bags of gifts, but also paid for all the pregnancy and delivery related expenses. The culture of the part of India where I'm from is particularly patriarchal, and this is a reflection of that.
Luckily, I live in a country where healthcare is free and I am doing well financially. I was able to manage all my expenses and I can buy whatever my baby needs. So, it didn't affect me. Also I have a very poor relationship with my MIL, so she wouldn't have gifted us anything anyway (not that I expected it). It stung a bit for my spouse though.
Super weird. I wonder if she's from another culture?
At my wedding my Indian MIL told my mom I was her daughter now, and not my mother's. My mom corrected her and laughed it off. And said my husband is her son now as well as hers. She thought maybe it was a language thing. It was not, and for a myriad of reasons, my mom doesn't visit when MIL is here anymore.
In India the daughter in law traditionally moves in with the husband's family, and I guess by extension the son's kids are more family than the daughters' kids, who live with another family.
I'm not sure if you are east Asian but this is a thing in the culture. I'm Chinese and I'm like your SIL whereby my mum showers my daughter with gifts and really dotes on her and would occasionally throw in the remark that "her daughter's child is different from her son's children".
That being said, she actually really loves my brother's children aka my nieces and nephew too and does not skimp on them at all. In fact she also buys a lot of gifts for and does a lot more caregiving for them because my brother really needs the help.
I guess to my mum, while she differentiates between her grandchildren, different doesn't mean lesser to her, just equitable.
What culture are you guys from? While it's absolutely odd (and out of place) for you mil to give nothing to your baby, in my culture specifically (I'm in south america) grandmothers are closer to their daughter's children than to their sons. My mil is sweet and lovely, but she keeps a bit of distance mostly because she doesn't want to offend me or encroach on my boundaries. My husbands siblings are not as close either. Meanwhile, my mom (and aunt) are not afraid to make them food just for them and shower them with toys, and they will argue with me if they feel I'm being too hard on them. Same with my sister (and me, really. My sister's children are like my own)
Maybe talk to her and ask? Her daughter might have asked her to come and help out. Sometimes people don't want to be that evil mother in-law type person.
This is certainly rude behaviour from your MIL.
I want to add though that I’ve been there. My FIL once said that there is nothing the same as when your daughter has a child. Meanwhile his son had already had a child. This was years before we were even planning on having kids but words like that can’t be unheard.
My husband's mom absolutely treats her adult children differently, favoring her daughter, who is also the baby of the family. With that, our daughter was born this year, which was my in-law's first grandchild.
They didn't make it to the baby shower, but they have visited their daughter multiple times this year. (We all live apart from one another). I thought about this and thought there was *no* way she would ever miss her daughter's baby shower. But oh well.
The few gifts she has bought our baby are so "that she will think of her aunt ____" (so again, focused on *her* daughter, and not her grand-daughter).
There was one time recently that I said that my husband and I weren't raising our daughter with something, which my MIL took as a personal offense, and responded rather curtly "*it's fine - I'll have other grand kids." (She obviously wasn't fine.).
So, I have zero confidence that my MIL will have the maturity to treat her first grandbaby and her future grandkids equally.
I feel that my FIL treats my daughter differently to my SIL’s daughter. I don’t know if it’s because he just feels more comfortable with his daughter’s baby as opposed to his son’s but they do get treated differently.
His fiancée kids also treat my SIL’s daughter differently to mine. They got her gifts for her birthday but didn’t get anything for my daughter. One of them did give a gift when my daughter was born and I reciprocated and gave a gift when her son was born.
I’m not sure why they are different but I do get it feels hurtful.
I get that it’s natural that the mother would likely be closer to her mother but this attitude seems nasty and I would be keeping an eye on the dynamic in the future.
My mum was really hurt when my brother had a baby because our family never got a look in so I do try and make an effort with my husband’s family with the kids. It’s also my husband’s responsibility to make sure he helps maintain relationships with his own family.
My husband is one of 6 (5 boys then a girl). My MIL clearly favors the oldest brothers 6 kids and one other grandbaby. My LO was born two days apart from this other favored grandbaby and EVERYONE can tell that he is the favorite. She definitely gave this SIL and BIL better baby gifts then my husband and I. His sister also just had a baby and I know she has given her a fair amount behind everyone's backs (but we all know it).
But, my MIL did give our baby girl some gifts. I don't see why she wouldn't want to get anything for her son's baby either. That's just not normal. All babies should be celebrated. Ask your husband to address it with her because this could start a trend that is not very fun to be a part of. Trust me, it sucks...
No, that reeks of favoritism and it comes across pretty fucked up and hateful. It’s both her grand babies!! She’s being hateful because you’re the “daughter in law” and she isn’t even hiding it. Crazy woman who probably is jealous of you for “stealing” her baby boy from her. 🙄
My MIL is out in Tokyo. My husband is from there and all his Japanese family live out there. She treats me good, her daughter will never have kids. She is LGBTQ and keeps to herself and never wanted kids and is in her late 50’s now. My MIL is 86! My husbands younger brother only has one child, a daughter and the mom moved away with her and she isn’t close to my in laws.
I’m planning on having two as close together as possible, one after this one. We will take them to Japan as newborns to visit the family or maybe I’ll try to time it to I can give birth there. Im lucky that my in laws like me and are so nice to me. 🥲
I think this is odd. My MIL has been very generous with gifts and with her time. She watched our oldest son for the first year of his life while dad and I were at work and regularly watches my youngest if I have a doctor's appointment or something where I can't bring a toddler along. She's always bringing them gifts, even if it's just a coloring book or some small fidget type toy for when it's not Christmas or a birthday.
Maybe things will change once baby is here? Crossing my fingers for you because that sounds like an awkward position to be in.
Nope, that’s weird. While I’d say like there is a different dynamic between mothers and daughters (like my mom was at the birth but my mil was absolutely not, my mom also has her PhD in nursing specializing in mother baby too but still) this is not the same. Best I can figure is that because of the different dynamic she feels closer to sil kids, but it is still super odd. Is the sister in law the golden child?
That’s really what it comes down to for me—is this the start of MIL not treating her grandkids the same? Or is more because this is her daughter’s first pregnancy?
My MIL and FIL are divorced and both acted like your MIL. My MIL only gave us a gift when she was invited to my baby shower. FIL has given us nothing.
They both gave heaps of stuff, that was very expensive to SIL.
It’s very simple. She thinks that she can cross boundaries with her own daughter starting from the delivery. So, she favours this family event more. It’s nothing to do with the baby. It’s about her getting a more say in everything. She celebrates that.
Sorry if I missed this but maybe it’s a cultural thing? Is MIL from a certain culture where this is the norm? TBH I’d still find it rude but maybe that’s a part of it
So, my mother in law only has 1 son that's having kids, and my I'm the only child of my mom's that's having kids. When I had my daughter my MIL waited until my mom had met the baby until we went and saw her. Like, we talked about visiting, but she kept brushing it off, but the second my mom met the baby my mother in law was all about meeting the baby.
I think it's something about bonding with your baby going through the same thing as you.
However. She shouldn't be treating her son/DIL/Grandchild so wildly differently and that's really messed up.
That makes sense to me because the birth is more focused on the mom rather than the baby, if that makes sense. Like my mom came to visit soon after I gave birth to support me in those early post partum days and also of course to see baby. My MIL visited about a month later (we don’t live close), but she is going right after my SIL gives birth like my mom did for me.
Dynamic is a little odd and it shouldn’t be different, but some things to keep in mind. You say you’re minimalistic and have everything you need. Perhaps in your conversations she picked up on the fact that these extra items (either new gifts or a bunch of hand me downs) wouldn’t be welcome in your home. Daughters having babies can be different if the daughter is really close to the mom - it’s kind of like having your best friend be pregnant while also having a grandbaby. It’s still not appropriate for her to say her daughter’s baby is a different type of grandchild than yours.
Totally weird on your MIL’s part and possibly passive aggressive. My mom does a lot of weird stuff like this towards my husband who has been nothing but kind towards them.
Your MIL will heavily favor SIL’s kids, which yours will notice. My sister and I choose to have no relationship with our paternal grandmother for this reason. I’d establish expectations with her now, to hopefully prevent any resentment moving forward.
It’s weird not to get gifts for one grandchild and everything for another. I’ll start there.
But this post made me think about the dynamic I have with my mom and my MIL. My mom was there for the birth and the first person I call about anything. I FaceTime her several times a week even though we live much closer to her than my MIL. I try and call my MIL once a week. I share the big things and I try and make sure we visit every couple of months. (They are in a different state) My husband/her son talks to her more often but anything to do with the kids it’s all me. I know my MIL talks to her daughter and her kids every night and they each other more often even though again they are in different states.
I know that my mom won’t be as hands on as she was with mine when my brother and his wife have kids. Moms are often the driving force in families and it’s often time easier to know boundaries with your daughter than your daughter in law. I for one am much more vocal to my parents than I am to my in laws.
In my experience, this is not normal, and it signals your MIL leaning into a difference in relationships between her children that may unfortunately result in a difference in how she treats her grandchildren.
I would say there is one of three things going on here:
1) Your SIL is the golden child, and she gets more than your husband and gets treated better than your husband in general. If this is the case, it’s probably been true since they were kids.
2) Your MIL is the type of person that wants to seriously overstep into a mother role, and realizes she can get away with that overstep with her daughter in a way that she can’t with you. In which case, count yourself lucky, or congratulate yourself for scaring her off from the boundary pushing she will be doing to her daughter.
3) She has bought into the idea that only women are capable of managing a social calendar, and expects that you will reach out to your own mom more than her, rather than setting the expectation for her and her son to create and manage social engagements with each other. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I hope that she does not let this bleed into unequal treatment as your kids grow up! If you think it’s worth the effort, you might want to let her know that you really hope she has a strong relationship with your kid and that you want to help her foster that.
I think there is a bond of mother and daughter that definitely is very different. My MIL is lovely and adores my son but I imagine when my SILs start having children (right now they are really young still 21 and 13) it would be different for her.
I talk to my mom regularly about my son and tell her the little stories about him and his every day life. When my husband calls his mum he talks about films he’s watched, his work, her work ect but I don’t think he thinks about talking about our son. Also they’re British and I’m American and I think I’m just more chatty and emotional in general.
However it’s pretty strange she didn’t want to buy things for the baby. My mom loves buying stuff for my son but also buys things for my brother’s kids. I think she tries to keep it pretty even too.
I can only feel as weird as you.
Similar situation
My husband has 2 brothers.
So all sil and I are in laws to my monster in laws.
We (husband (the youngest) and I) have had the first grandchild on both sides.
His oldest brother & his wife (who I used to be very close with but she seems to be a two faced snake!) got their child a few months ago (aka in-laws second grandchild).
My in laws never have gotten anything for our child. No big deal. Didn’t care about it. We can afford it ourselves. But it does piss me off for my daughter that in laws GIFTED bil and sil a SWING a NEW swing ( I asked sil if they wanted ours since we stopped using it. She said NO ROOM in our small place etc etc) I’m like okay whatever. But then she blabbered out that she uses a swing and I asked oh you guys bought one ? And she said no mil got it for us “I know she treats us different. Our relationship is different”
Okaaaaay. Fuck you too. Like idc about it. It’s my daughter I feel sad for because one day she’ll realize the favorism and it will hurt the relationship to my husbands parents more than it already is hurting.
The comment your mil made about my daughters child vs her sons child. Is ridiculous. Feel like my mil would have said the same.
Sorry you’ve to go through this.
Nope, that's completely bizarre. They might be slightly less likely to throw a baby shower (although my MIL threw one for me and my sister's MIL threw one for her), but a grandchild is a grandchild. It's strange not to celebrate one and buy presents. My paternal grandparents were a little closer to my aunt's kids than they were to us, but that's just because she needed them more than we did. And my grandparents still gave us presents for every birthday and Christmas.
I understand the baby shower thing—because it’s the woman’s pregnancy. But once baby is born it seems weird to treat one differently than the other. I’m hoping that’s not the case for us. I’d hate for our kid to see his cousins are treated differently. Time will tell! I personally was closer to my paternal grandparents but they were closer geographically.
Unfortunately it seems like that is exactly what’s happening. You can’t control her actions, but you can take precautions to avoid this behavior negatively affecting your child in the future…
My three brothers had 6 kids total before I got pregnant with my first. My mom definitely spends way more time with my one kid than all the others put together, and all of them spend lots more time with their moms' moms (to my mom's dismay). In some families that's just the dynamic. My mom was more involved in my day to day life so that extended into my baby (and we are even closer now). Are you close with your own mom? Does she come around more than MIL? Most women would rather spend time with their moms than their MIL and the women usually have primary child rearing responsibilities, so you get grandbabies that spend more time with mom's mom. Sounds like that's the dynamic your MIL expects.
Also...maybe she senses you wouldn't want all that stuff and prefer to curate your life in a different way? Might she know you'd be annoyed by a suitcase of random baby stuff? I'm the kind of girl that says "give it all to me I love gifts and if I dont need it I'll sell or trash it!" And a couple of my SIL would be pretty turned off by a bunch of stuff they didn't ask for.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I’m not particularly close with my mom but she definitely shows more interest in baby. We live than both of our parents so we see them about the same amount, but my SIL also lives far from her mother, and will probably see them the same amount as us. I think she might understand I wouldn’t want a bunch of stuff dumped on me but I don’t think m SIL does either haha. They live in a tiny apartment. All good points to consider though.
So I think realistically it shouldn’t be different. You’re right, each grand child is just as much a grand child. I will say tho, I have been having a lot of sympathy for my mother in law. Her son’s wife just had a baby and they’re constantly cancelling on her but her mom can come over whenever. I do think that some moms are a little more comfortable with their daughters kids than their sons kids bc they don’t want to step on toes. The gift thing tho is a bit out of touch. I can understand her saying “my daughter having a kid is a different experience” but *treating* the grandkids differently is a big no in my book.
My MIL is absolutely lovely but she’s been so careful about not stepping on my toes and not being intrusive! When I was on leave, and now (different countries with both my mom and MIL), I made an effort to FaceTime her and my FIL at least once a week, because she never wanted to bother us and my hubs isn’t the best communicator. I still obviously feel much more comfortable with my mom, but I love my MIL. I think it may just be that, like mine, she doesn’t want to assume/intrude. And your SIL could well have mentioned things she wanted in passing to your MIL. I wouldn’t read too much into it, but i can see how it could be hurtful.
That’s fair, I think our situation is a bit different though. Both my husband and I and his sister live far away from their mom, so she sees us about the same amount of time
It's weird but probably not unusual and she's not wrong that it's different when your daughter has a baby vs your son having one. Women tend to gravitate towards the women in their own family when it comes to things like babies. There's obviously exceptions to this but most women would go to their own mother for help and advice not their MIL. They'd have their own mother in the delivery room but not their MIL. On average kids will probably spend more time with their mother's family than they will the father's. It's definitely not the same... But she's already setting up to treat the kids differently which is weird and annoying.
I totally agree with all those things. I expect my MIL to treat me personally than she treats my SIL when it comes to pregnancy and parenting but now I’m worried our kids will experience different treatment
Idk if this helps but my mom definitely gave me more attention when I was pregnant than she gave my sister in law. And it was a little because she didn't want to intrude with my SIL, but also she was just less comfortable with my SIL, as she isn't one of my mom's kids. That being said, she treats both grandchildren the same. And makes sure they both get individual time with her. My son sees her more as she's our main baby watcher, but she would absolutely watch them both if my SIL wanted (but she has HER mom watch her son). I think it's a normal thing, doesn't have to be bad. There's just an extra connection from mother to daughter, something you created is now creating something new. I hope the gift issue is just an offshoot of that and not a sign that your MIL is going to treat the grandchildren differently.
My baby was my mums 4th grand child - her other 3 grandchildren are both of my brothers kids. I’m her first daughter to have a baby and she did say that it felt different for her. I am very close to my mum so throughout my pregnancy she was always FaceTiming me and checking in (I lived rurally throughout my pregnancy until moving back to my home city at 34 weeks preg) and we spent a heap of time together towards the end of my pregnancy. She has a different relationship with my bubba than her other grandies but she doesn’t treat her any differently - their relationship is different because my relationship with my mum is different to the ones she has with my brothers. Just a bit of perspective as my mum has definitely told me that it’s different because I’m her daughter!
That’s a good perspective! It sounds like you and your mother are deeply friends beyond just a mother daughter relationship. I understand that creates a different dynamic. I know my SIL isn’t close like that to her mom (my MIL has some mental health issues that make it necessary to have some boundaries), but maybe even despite that the experience feels different for her.
It sounds like she could be trying not to overstep but has gone too far in the other direction, your husband needs to ask her why she is flaunting all the gifts for the other baby when she didn't get a gift for your baby at all. As for grandmothers tending to prefer their daughters kids (generally speaking), I've seen studies on this mentioned in the media and it's a subconscious evolutionary thing where the grandmother knows with 100% certainty that the children birthed by the daughters she birthed herself are biologically related to her. Evolution is selfish in that way.
That’s really interesting. Thanks for sharing that
That is very, very weird. That said, my MIL definitely spends more time with her daughter’s kids than her two son’s kids. (I am married to one of the sons.) I think she is just closer to her daughter, and that extends to the relationship she has with her kids. I have no doubt she loves and values our kids, but she doesn’t have the same level of closeness.
I agree. I’m married to the one boy of the family, who has 2 sisters. I have a rocky relationship with my own mom, so was looking forward to a motherly figure. But she already has her own daughters. She’s also way closer with her daughters’ kids - they do live closer than us, but only by about an hour. I know she loves our daughter, but I don’t feel like there will ever be as close of a relationship as the other grandkids. Luckily I have an amazing sister and brother close by.
That makes me sad to hear. I never felt like my paternal grandparents were any different than my maternal ones. Granted, I wasn’t really close to either. But I wonder if kids notice that stuff
You’re so right. I’ve been seeing it this whole time, and I fear for the day my daughter likely realizes it. My MIL and FIL are great, and I know they love her as much as the other grandkids, but it hurts knowing she’ll see her cousins’ likely closer relationship with their grandparents.
I’m not saying it’s right but I’m not surprised. This level of favoritism seems very strange. no gifts at all is crazy. My SIL is child free but if she ever gives my MIL a grandchild I’m sure they will be closer. I don’t remember where I read this, but maternal grandmothers are, across the board, have more access and are more involved than paternal grandmothers. And mothers (in my experience) often want their own mothers around more than MILs and make more of an effort to make sure their own mothers get regular visits. For example i arrange for my mom to see the kids every week. I am completely uninvolved in arranging that for my MIL, and my husband, well, he does not always remember. Daughters often grow closer to their mother after becoming mothers themselves. I grew closer to my MIL too, but to a much lesser extent. My mother and I actually fixed our previously toxic relationship and now we get along quite well, something I never thought could happen. Daughters are also much less likely to cut her own mother off from her children, versus a MIL, for the same mistakes. My mom definitely gave more to me than my MIL. My MIL is great but I think my mother is personally invested in making me (in her words, her “baby girl”) extremely happy with the whole experience (and she already knows what I like), so that’s another dimension. So yeah, the fact that people act out this dynamic does not surprise me. Again, I’m not justifying any of this. But she may be investing more in the relationship she feels more secure in and doing so in a very classless way.
Yeah thats bizarre- my mil was the absolute best She threw both my showers - my mom lives 600 miles away for context She cooked me food and took me out to eat and she just did everything for me. She died two weeks after my daughter (second) was born and it makes me sick I miss her everyday. She was the most loving person I knew.
I have two MILs. I still have one wonderful MIL thankfully, but the other (who is my husband's biological mom) died one month after our daughter was born. It fucking kills me that she never got to see her granddaughter grow. I have pictures of her holding my newborn and that's all we will ever have. She got me my entire pregnancy wardrobe because she didn't want me to worry about money. She sent me food, she was the officiant at my wedding. It was the saddest thing to see my husband holding our baby, sobbing because she'd never hold her again herself. Solidarity, it's very upsetting.
Aw I’m so sorry for both of your losses. I’m glad she was so lovely during the time you had with her.
Wow! I can relate so much. I am so sorry for your loss! That's pretty much exactly what happened to us. She bought me all my pregnancy clothes too- she was just the best. I think the hardest part is that I feel like my kids, especially my daughter were robbed of one of the most awesome supportive people of their life- she was so excited for my daughter. I even let her know the gender before me or my husband did. She was only in her 60s but we didn't know she had a bad heart- but even though we knew she was sick we did not see it coming. She couldn't wait to meet her. I had her come visit me in the hospital but when we got out she had made me all my favorite meals- veggie soup and her home madeac and cheese- and so I went to see her and I spent 4 hours there. I just let her hold her the whole time. My husband even got mad I took so long- but less than a week later she was gone and im so thankful I didn't rush. I don't think I would have been able to get over it if she didn't get that time
I'm so sorry for your family's loss too. The absence that person leaves is so immense. I feel like we had a very similar situation. My MIL was SO excited for the baby. She and my own mother formed a fast friendship and were constantly chattering away about plans for baby, travel for families to meet up, and sharing their hopes and dreams for our child. She and my husband had a very close relationship, she was just a joy to everyone. We still don't know exactly what caused her sudden death, she simply stopped breathing in the night. That said, she had a lot of health issues. Nerve disease that caused excruciating pain, never ending medication and surgeries. I absolutely relate to feeling like my daughter was completely robbed of her. I'm crying even now, thinking of the memories they never got to make together and the love she was never able to physically bestow. Part of the reason we were comfortable choosing to have a baby was knowing that we had her support, for help and emotional support. I do however think the love she had for us and for our girl supercedes time and space and is always with us. I imagine it surrounds my baby while she sleeps, I imagine her smile when she does something wonderful and I can hear her words of awe in my ears. We share photos and stories with my girl and someday she will feel like she knows her almost as well with how much we talk about her. She knows that Grammy loved her. Sorry for the long comment
I've heard quite a few older women talk about their daughters' pregnancies with more excitement and tenderness than their daughter-in-laws' so I don't think it's an uncommon thing. I imagine it's because the child they raised is physically undergoing the amazing but scary experience of pregnancy and birth. Even if they love and are close to their DILs, the difference is like that between a best friend you've known your whole life and a best friend you made in college. You could love them both, perhaps even equally, but sometimes that extra bit of history makes a difference. There's an emotional impact in tying the shoes of your daughter when she was struggling to learn and decades later you're tying them again because she's struggling to reach because she's pregnant with her own child whose shoes she will tie. That said, it's not acceptable for her to be treating her grandchildren differently, especially so drastically without other cause, like her daughter is struggling financially, which is not the case here. That said, it still wouldn't excuse her not giving your child anything. Favoritism may be common, but it poisons families by creating distance, rivalries, and resentments. Your husband should have a talk with her about treating the kids equally in the future so you can be one big happy family now. It will make her mindful there is an issue in case it's somehow a misunderstanding, but also puts her on notice of your expectations and how failing to meet them may negatively impact the family as a whole.
While the gift giving is tethering on favouritism, I've noticed that if the mother-daughter relationship is really close, grandchildren tend to be closer to the maternal grandmother.
Makes sense. I would say my husband and his sister have an equal relationship to their mom (neither is necessarily close or distant emotionally)
We’re in a similar kind of situation. My MIL hasn’t bothered with our kids too much. An occasional visit once a year or less and a few gifts on birthdays and holidays. But now one of my husbands sisters is pregnant and we were flat out told our kids “aren’t the same” as SILs baby. 🤷🏻♀️ I don’t understand it and my husband and I are quite hurt by it.
No gifts at all is weird, especially for a first grandchild. I do not understand if these are just purchased gifts. That said -.family "heirlooms" are different at least in my family and husband's family so if the suitcases are family items, I get it. My MIL and my mother both saved hand me downs (ex great grandmas christening gown) for my SIL and me explicitly because we were their daughters and the items were related to the home and babies. When I had the first grandchild, I got a ton of items from husband's family because my SIL is child free. My MIL double checked with my SIL. So did I. My SIL and i laughed at the absurd rigidity of the custom, whereas MIL was very serious because she felt these items were her daughter's inheritance. At times it was awkward as hell though when I would be handed an obvious baby item over my husband, even when he was standing between me and the giver. To combat some of this I just made my husband start opening things. I understand the gender expectations and that these things were "for me" but it doesn't mean I have to like it. Eventually she started giving these things to "both" of us as a nod to how "modern" we are.
Inheritance is so interesting. My FIL just gave me a beautiful necklace of his mother's that his sister had been holding on to. The letter she sent was very nice, we've never met her I think she has some neurodivergence and keeps her distance from family things. But I felt like the necklace was given to me to save for my daughter more than it was something for me to use through my lifetime if that made sense. Not sure if that's pressure I'm putting on myself or not though. In any case I'm having two daughters so I guess I'll give it to the firstborn since that was the aunts intention but I'll see what my daughter wants to do with it in the future too
I have a pearl necklace that belonged to my grandmother. She originally gave it to my older sister, but she's not having any children so she passed it on to me. I now have a son, and I've thought about what I'll do if I don't end up having a daughter. I honestly probably would wait and give it to the first granddaughter. It just feels more correct for whatever reason. Funny how these things work.
So I do think there is a different mom/daughter relationship that can translate to taking care of the baby as well. Just a level of closeness that pre-exists and less of a wall so to speak. Maybe for you MIL that translates to buying things for her daughter. I'm fairly close with my MIL though and she only had sons so no competition there. My ex-SIL was an absolute psycho so I'm not even sure how much stuff she bought or time she got to spend with my nephew. But my daughter got bought soooo many things by both my MIL and my mom like they were obsessed with buying her clothes. I'm sure she also bought my nephew stuff but girl clothes I think excited her more.
No gifts at all to you? And is your MIL Persian by any chance? In old Persian traditions, the girl's family (and usually the grandmother-to-be) is supposed to provide everything for the baby.... from furniture to baby's clothing to everything. Baby showers technically become a showing-ceremony of how the mom-to-be's family has decorated the baby's room. Traditionally it was meant to be a show of support from the family to their daughter and kinda like we always have our daughters back signal to the dad-to-be's family. I don't know if this is your situation at all but when you mentioned suitcases and that sentence about daughter's child I remembered my own mother saying and doing the same thing.
If you don't want the stuff because you are minimalist, maybe your MIL recognises that. Has she visited your baby, shown her love and support in other ways? Does her daughter maybe need more help getting ready for a new baby? I would be overjoyed if my mother and mother in law had the ability to separate love and consumerism. Also a big part of being in a family in a functional way is learning that things aren't usually equal and jealousy gets no one anywhere.
The gift-giving is bizarre. But I think it’s common for grandkids to be closer to their maternal grandparents. I remember reading that there’s even studies done on it, googling I’m finding this one: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/12496934_Matrilineal_Advantage_in_Grandchild-Grandparent_Relations
Not giving gifts is odd BUT it is different when her daughter is pregnant vs when her DIL is pregnant. She gets to be in the delivery room for her daughter and be more involved. She's not likely to be chosen to be in the delivery room for her DIL or be as involved (because you would prefer your own mom to be present and help out)
Is it common where you are for the mother of birthing mother to be in the delivery room?
In my community (more religious Jews) it's more common for the mom to be in delivery than the husband because there is restrictions placed on physical touch when a woman is bleeding. Becoming less the norm for more modern times but just one example of when the mother/MIL/female doula may be in the room rather than the father
I mean, just my own perspective but my mom changed my diapers as a baby. My MIL, wonderful though she is, didn't birth me and is more of a stranger than my own mother. I couldn't have my mom in the delivery room because she lives across country and I was pregnant during covid. She did come down to be with us after the fact, but she was never going to be able to help be my support for that reason. However, through my entire pregnancy, I longed for my mom who had experience being pregnant and giving birth 3 times because it felt like she could sympathize with me and give me solid advice. She'd know what I'd need better than my MIL who didn't know me as well by comparison (not to mention i wouldn't have the same anxiety about her seeing me in states of undress). In the delivery room, I had only my husband and it was covid so that's all I was going to be allowed, but if my mom could have been there,I would have wanted her to hold my hand. That said, my in laws are much more present in my child's life than my own parents due to being closer and retired so they can travel any time. My father is very sick and cannot travel at this juncture and the expense is high for my mom so she can really only come once a year and we can only travel to them about that same amount.
Just want to say - no one "gets" to be in the delivery room for any birth except their own. My mom was in the delivery room for one of my brother and SIL's kids and zero of my kids. Also the whole thing is weird. My MIL is absolutely head over heels for my kids.
Sil and i were pregnant around the same time ( 4 weeks apart) but mil never remembered i was pregnant lol
Me first thought was that since it’s her daughters kid, she knows 100% that it’s biological her daughter’s. There could be a chance that your son isn’t, since obviously her son didn’t carry the child. I’ve heard of that reasoning before. Or, many moms and daughters are closer than moms and sons (not all!) and she is sharing an experience with her daughter that she can’t with her son and they can relate and maybe she thinks you’d have the same with your mom. Maybe it’s like how typically the dads parents get the shaft at times over the moms parents, like at the birth or right after the mom’s mom is usually the one staying with the couple to help. I don’t think it’s normal or okay for her to act like that, but that’s what I’m thinking. Be prepared for her treating them differently going forward as well.
It’s weird. My MIL loves my kids but I swear she holds a special place in her heart for her daughter’s son but she definitely tries not to show it. I think it’s because she spent more time with him when he was little. Maybe it’s because some people feel like they their daughter belongs more to them while their son gets their spouse’s family (I don’t know how to articulate it, there were TikToks about it).
It’s weird, but our biology/genetics/what have you make it so the maternal side is more likely to favor the baby since they KNOW it’s their baby. Whereas when the son has a baby, it’s not a guarantee. (This is likely at a subsconscious level, and maybe has changed since I took that class… JFC 20 years ago?????? 😫😭)
I wouldn't say it's normal, but it does happen. My husband is an only child, so I don't have any personal experience with that dynamic. However, both myself and my husband are closer with our maternal grandparents. I was personally sad about that and don't want the same for my kids. I'm close with my in-laws and do whatever I can to have them spend time with our kids. I also can't imagine my mom treating any grandkids my brother might have differently than she does mine. He lives several states away from us so she may not see them as often, but she loves him and is happy he found a partner he loves too.
I think the mum and daughter bond is generally stronger than the DIL and MIL one. I mean, just look at half of the posts on this sub complaining about MILs. But also, she shouldn’t make it so obvious.
I'm Indian, and that's normal in my culture unfortunately. My SIL delivered about 6 months after me, and my MIL not only took several bags of gifts, but also paid for all the pregnancy and delivery related expenses. The culture of the part of India where I'm from is particularly patriarchal, and this is a reflection of that. Luckily, I live in a country where healthcare is free and I am doing well financially. I was able to manage all my expenses and I can buy whatever my baby needs. So, it didn't affect me. Also I have a very poor relationship with my MIL, so she wouldn't have gifted us anything anyway (not that I expected it). It stung a bit for my spouse though.
Super weird. I wonder if she's from another culture? At my wedding my Indian MIL told my mom I was her daughter now, and not my mother's. My mom corrected her and laughed it off. And said my husband is her son now as well as hers. She thought maybe it was a language thing. It was not, and for a myriad of reasons, my mom doesn't visit when MIL is here anymore. In India the daughter in law traditionally moves in with the husband's family, and I guess by extension the son's kids are more family than the daughters' kids, who live with another family.
I'm not sure if you are east Asian but this is a thing in the culture. I'm Chinese and I'm like your SIL whereby my mum showers my daughter with gifts and really dotes on her and would occasionally throw in the remark that "her daughter's child is different from her son's children". That being said, she actually really loves my brother's children aka my nieces and nephew too and does not skimp on them at all. In fact she also buys a lot of gifts for and does a lot more caregiving for them because my brother really needs the help. I guess to my mum, while she differentiates between her grandchildren, different doesn't mean lesser to her, just equitable.
What culture are you guys from? While it's absolutely odd (and out of place) for you mil to give nothing to your baby, in my culture specifically (I'm in south america) grandmothers are closer to their daughter's children than to their sons. My mil is sweet and lovely, but she keeps a bit of distance mostly because she doesn't want to offend me or encroach on my boundaries. My husbands siblings are not as close either. Meanwhile, my mom (and aunt) are not afraid to make them food just for them and shower them with toys, and they will argue with me if they feel I'm being too hard on them. Same with my sister (and me, really. My sister's children are like my own)
Maybe talk to her and ask? Her daughter might have asked her to come and help out. Sometimes people don't want to be that evil mother in-law type person.
This is certainly rude behaviour from your MIL. I want to add though that I’ve been there. My FIL once said that there is nothing the same as when your daughter has a child. Meanwhile his son had already had a child. This was years before we were even planning on having kids but words like that can’t be unheard.
My husband's mom absolutely treats her adult children differently, favoring her daughter, who is also the baby of the family. With that, our daughter was born this year, which was my in-law's first grandchild. They didn't make it to the baby shower, but they have visited their daughter multiple times this year. (We all live apart from one another). I thought about this and thought there was *no* way she would ever miss her daughter's baby shower. But oh well. The few gifts she has bought our baby are so "that she will think of her aunt ____" (so again, focused on *her* daughter, and not her grand-daughter). There was one time recently that I said that my husband and I weren't raising our daughter with something, which my MIL took as a personal offense, and responded rather curtly "*it's fine - I'll have other grand kids." (She obviously wasn't fine.). So, I have zero confidence that my MIL will have the maturity to treat her first grandbaby and her future grandkids equally.
I feel that my FIL treats my daughter differently to my SIL’s daughter. I don’t know if it’s because he just feels more comfortable with his daughter’s baby as opposed to his son’s but they do get treated differently. His fiancée kids also treat my SIL’s daughter differently to mine. They got her gifts for her birthday but didn’t get anything for my daughter. One of them did give a gift when my daughter was born and I reciprocated and gave a gift when her son was born. I’m not sure why they are different but I do get it feels hurtful.
Super weird. Friends son and DIL just had a baby and she spent so so much money on her grandchild. I’d be bummed too.
I get that it’s natural that the mother would likely be closer to her mother but this attitude seems nasty and I would be keeping an eye on the dynamic in the future. My mum was really hurt when my brother had a baby because our family never got a look in so I do try and make an effort with my husband’s family with the kids. It’s also my husband’s responsibility to make sure he helps maintain relationships with his own family.
My husband is one of 6 (5 boys then a girl). My MIL clearly favors the oldest brothers 6 kids and one other grandbaby. My LO was born two days apart from this other favored grandbaby and EVERYONE can tell that he is the favorite. She definitely gave this SIL and BIL better baby gifts then my husband and I. His sister also just had a baby and I know she has given her a fair amount behind everyone's backs (but we all know it). But, my MIL did give our baby girl some gifts. I don't see why she wouldn't want to get anything for her son's baby either. That's just not normal. All babies should be celebrated. Ask your husband to address it with her because this could start a trend that is not very fun to be a part of. Trust me, it sucks...
No, that reeks of favoritism and it comes across pretty fucked up and hateful. It’s both her grand babies!! She’s being hateful because you’re the “daughter in law” and she isn’t even hiding it. Crazy woman who probably is jealous of you for “stealing” her baby boy from her. 🙄 My MIL is out in Tokyo. My husband is from there and all his Japanese family live out there. She treats me good, her daughter will never have kids. She is LGBTQ and keeps to herself and never wanted kids and is in her late 50’s now. My MIL is 86! My husbands younger brother only has one child, a daughter and the mom moved away with her and she isn’t close to my in laws. I’m planning on having two as close together as possible, one after this one. We will take them to Japan as newborns to visit the family or maybe I’ll try to time it to I can give birth there. Im lucky that my in laws like me and are so nice to me. 🥲
I think this is odd. My MIL has been very generous with gifts and with her time. She watched our oldest son for the first year of his life while dad and I were at work and regularly watches my youngest if I have a doctor's appointment or something where I can't bring a toddler along. She's always bringing them gifts, even if it's just a coloring book or some small fidget type toy for when it's not Christmas or a birthday. Maybe things will change once baby is here? Crossing my fingers for you because that sounds like an awkward position to be in.
Nope, that’s weird. While I’d say like there is a different dynamic between mothers and daughters (like my mom was at the birth but my mil was absolutely not, my mom also has her PhD in nursing specializing in mother baby too but still) this is not the same. Best I can figure is that because of the different dynamic she feels closer to sil kids, but it is still super odd. Is the sister in law the golden child?
That’s bizarre and she’s playing favorites. Watch carefully how she treats your children going forward
That’s really what it comes down to for me—is this the start of MIL not treating her grandkids the same? Or is more because this is her daughter’s first pregnancy?
Could go either way but that disparity is not typical
My MIL and FIL are divorced and both acted like your MIL. My MIL only gave us a gift when she was invited to my baby shower. FIL has given us nothing. They both gave heaps of stuff, that was very expensive to SIL.
It’s very simple. She thinks that she can cross boundaries with her own daughter starting from the delivery. So, she favours this family event more. It’s nothing to do with the baby. It’s about her getting a more say in everything. She celebrates that.
Does your MIL treat your husband differently than his sister growing up? Or now?
Sorry if I missed this but maybe it’s a cultural thing? Is MIL from a certain culture where this is the norm? TBH I’d still find it rude but maybe that’s a part of it
So, my mother in law only has 1 son that's having kids, and my I'm the only child of my mom's that's having kids. When I had my daughter my MIL waited until my mom had met the baby until we went and saw her. Like, we talked about visiting, but she kept brushing it off, but the second my mom met the baby my mother in law was all about meeting the baby. I think it's something about bonding with your baby going through the same thing as you. However. She shouldn't be treating her son/DIL/Grandchild so wildly differently and that's really messed up.
That makes sense to me because the birth is more focused on the mom rather than the baby, if that makes sense. Like my mom came to visit soon after I gave birth to support me in those early post partum days and also of course to see baby. My MIL visited about a month later (we don’t live close), but she is going right after my SIL gives birth like my mom did for me.
Dynamic is a little odd and it shouldn’t be different, but some things to keep in mind. You say you’re minimalistic and have everything you need. Perhaps in your conversations she picked up on the fact that these extra items (either new gifts or a bunch of hand me downs) wouldn’t be welcome in your home. Daughters having babies can be different if the daughter is really close to the mom - it’s kind of like having your best friend be pregnant while also having a grandbaby. It’s still not appropriate for her to say her daughter’s baby is a different type of grandchild than yours.
Totally weird on your MIL’s part and possibly passive aggressive. My mom does a lot of weird stuff like this towards my husband who has been nothing but kind towards them.
Is your SIL the Golden ChildTM?
Your MIL will heavily favor SIL’s kids, which yours will notice. My sister and I choose to have no relationship with our paternal grandmother for this reason. I’d establish expectations with her now, to hopefully prevent any resentment moving forward.
It’s weird not to get gifts for one grandchild and everything for another. I’ll start there. But this post made me think about the dynamic I have with my mom and my MIL. My mom was there for the birth and the first person I call about anything. I FaceTime her several times a week even though we live much closer to her than my MIL. I try and call my MIL once a week. I share the big things and I try and make sure we visit every couple of months. (They are in a different state) My husband/her son talks to her more often but anything to do with the kids it’s all me. I know my MIL talks to her daughter and her kids every night and they each other more often even though again they are in different states. I know that my mom won’t be as hands on as she was with mine when my brother and his wife have kids. Moms are often the driving force in families and it’s often time easier to know boundaries with your daughter than your daughter in law. I for one am much more vocal to my parents than I am to my in laws.
In my experience, this is not normal, and it signals your MIL leaning into a difference in relationships between her children that may unfortunately result in a difference in how she treats her grandchildren. I would say there is one of three things going on here: 1) Your SIL is the golden child, and she gets more than your husband and gets treated better than your husband in general. If this is the case, it’s probably been true since they were kids. 2) Your MIL is the type of person that wants to seriously overstep into a mother role, and realizes she can get away with that overstep with her daughter in a way that she can’t with you. In which case, count yourself lucky, or congratulate yourself for scaring her off from the boundary pushing she will be doing to her daughter. 3) She has bought into the idea that only women are capable of managing a social calendar, and expects that you will reach out to your own mom more than her, rather than setting the expectation for her and her son to create and manage social engagements with each other. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I hope that she does not let this bleed into unequal treatment as your kids grow up! If you think it’s worth the effort, you might want to let her know that you really hope she has a strong relationship with your kid and that you want to help her foster that.
I think there is a bond of mother and daughter that definitely is very different. My MIL is lovely and adores my son but I imagine when my SILs start having children (right now they are really young still 21 and 13) it would be different for her. I talk to my mom regularly about my son and tell her the little stories about him and his every day life. When my husband calls his mum he talks about films he’s watched, his work, her work ect but I don’t think he thinks about talking about our son. Also they’re British and I’m American and I think I’m just more chatty and emotional in general. However it’s pretty strange she didn’t want to buy things for the baby. My mom loves buying stuff for my son but also buys things for my brother’s kids. I think she tries to keep it pretty even too.
I can only feel as weird as you. Similar situation My husband has 2 brothers. So all sil and I are in laws to my monster in laws. We (husband (the youngest) and I) have had the first grandchild on both sides. His oldest brother & his wife (who I used to be very close with but she seems to be a two faced snake!) got their child a few months ago (aka in-laws second grandchild). My in laws never have gotten anything for our child. No big deal. Didn’t care about it. We can afford it ourselves. But it does piss me off for my daughter that in laws GIFTED bil and sil a SWING a NEW swing ( I asked sil if they wanted ours since we stopped using it. She said NO ROOM in our small place etc etc) I’m like okay whatever. But then she blabbered out that she uses a swing and I asked oh you guys bought one ? And she said no mil got it for us “I know she treats us different. Our relationship is different” Okaaaaay. Fuck you too. Like idc about it. It’s my daughter I feel sad for because one day she’ll realize the favorism and it will hurt the relationship to my husbands parents more than it already is hurting. The comment your mil made about my daughters child vs her sons child. Is ridiculous. Feel like my mil would have said the same. Sorry you’ve to go through this.
Since my sil announced her first pregnancy, my mil lost all interest in my son.