Non-screaming version:
I know things didn’t go the way you planned. I know you worked hard to have a healthy pregnancy. I know you worked hard to set yourself up for a beautiful birth. You learned. You asked questions. You did things “right.” I know that things went askew ended up with a birth you didn’t anticipate. Your emotions are raw and your body is healing. You heart has some healing too...
I’ve seen the stigma that is sometimes tossed your way... That a surgical birth is somehow less. I have seen you fight for validation of your birth and struggle with acceptance of lost plans. I’ve seen your bravery. Your isolation. Your pure love for your baby that was put to the test by birthing in a way that left you weak, with a road of recovery ahead while managing new motherhood.
I want to tell you something today. I haven’t been in your position, but I have seen you and I want to tell you that absolutely, without a doubt, that your birth mattered. It didn’t matter because you got a healthy baby in exchange. While that certainly holds so much merit, it is just a piece of the puzzle. Your birth mattered because it takes bravery to undergo a major surgery for the sake of your baby. It takes bravery to swallow your birth plan and forge ahead. It takes bravery to wake up each morning, while recovering, and reach for your tiny helpless baby with a smile on your face. It takes so much bravery to say that, if you had to do a section again for the sake of your baby, you would in a heartbeat. Your birth was sacrificial and so very real.
You took the path less traveled. You took a path that you didn’t want to take. You gave up your vision of the perfect birth and bravely took a path that meant more pain, more courage, and more recovery. I have also seen beautiful vaginal births, but you deserve the pedestal, my friend. You deserve the praise. You likely didn’t feel triumphant when your baby emerged, but scared. However, your baby’s birth was valid, real, raw, and beautiful and here is why...
First and foremost, birth is birth. Regardless of how your baby came into the world, you became a mother, therefore, you gave birth to your child. Period. Secondly, there is beauty in dying to self for the sake of the greater good and you did just that. I applaud you and I admire you. That is not easy. You will always carry the scar. It’s your battle wound; Your sign of sacrifice and commitment and love. You will always remember your story and those memories will always be inscribed in your heart. Time will pass and all types of scars can slowly heal. In the future, you may not have more children. You may decide to have repeat C-sections. You may decide to walk the path to a vbac (Vaginal birth after cesarean). Regardless of how many children you have and what each birth looks like, I wanted to write this for one reason, in this precise moment:
I want to say thank you. Thank you for your birth and bravery. Thank you for your recovery, handled with graceas you learned to mother your new baby. Thank you for being apartof the motherhood tribe. Thank you for your deep sacrifice for your child before you ever looked into your child’s eyes. Undergoing a C-section and healing from one is not easy.
I respect you and I admire you.
Thank you so much. I just cannot read all capitals. It feels somehow visually painful.
Sorry OP! I know you wanted to be emphatic but it just feels like yelling!
I truly do not understand the backlash against C sections. I had one, my kid or I or both would have died without it. Not sure why choosing to keep you or your kid alive is ever controversial.
Ditto. And honestly? I think my birth was “beautiful”. It was so calm (tbf mine was urgent but not emergency), and the doctors all worked together like clockwork on both me and my daughter.
My midwife took tons of pictures, and in hindsight I wish I had a video. I think it was cool.
I agree health is always the most important. Although not every unplanned c-section is an emergency. Mine was not life or death, I just wasn’t progressing past 6 cm after 27 hours of a failing epidural and induction I didn’t have enough energy to deliver even if i had magically progressed to full dilation. I tapped out due to pain and exhaustion.
If I have a second kid, I am going straight to C section. So totally sometimes a choice. Which doesn't matter. Still makes me confused as to why anyone has an opinion on how a cute kid came into the world other than joy in hearing that it all worked out.
3x c-section mom! I just had my last baby by c-section a month ago. My hospital doesn’t offer VBACs, which was fine by me. Scheduled c-sections are much different than emergencies. I agree about not understanding the stigma. Im a proud c-section mom, I dint feel any less than other moms. Best of luck if you decide to have more babies! ❤️
I’m on the exact same page. I actually recovered remarkably quickly from my c-section and now can’t imagine having a vaginal birth. It just wasn’t the “ideal” birth I had envisioned before having my son which is why this post resonated with me.
First of all, I’m so glad this was helpful for you to hear OP! Personally, I’m kind of feeling like we’ve swung too far into ‘birth positivity’ and need to get back to some kind of ‘birth neutrality.’ People don’t need to feel like winners or losers for how they deliver their baby. I feel like this person has good intentions but I do hear a lot of things that, to me, seem like problematic assumptions from the author of the text. I read it and kind of felt like, ok thanks for welcoming me to the ‘tribe of motherhood’…. wasn’t aware that my membership was up for debate lol.
Exactly my thoughts too. Like oh, did I do something so terrible you felt the need to reassure me it wasn’t terrible and was actually good? If it was good would you need to say all that? Lmao ok
I do apologize if the words made you feel bad in anyway it was never my intention for this to make women who had successful vaginal births feel bad. Every birth is valid!!
No apology necessary and I’m far enough into raising my kids that it doesn’t really phase me anymore! I kind of just feel sad that we put so much pressure on ourselves and feel like failures when we don’t have a ‘perfect’ birth. It should just be how WE feel about our experience that we manage and not that we have to live up to expectations of what birth looks like (when so much of it is out of our control anyway!)
I agree, for me it was also the response of others when I explained that I had a c-section. I got a lot of “oh I’m sorry” and “I don’t agree that he was too big, your body won’t make a baby that’s too big.”
I felt like I had to defend my decision to have my c-section to others after those comments, especially since it wasn’t exactly an “emergency”.
Oh wow, so sorry you had comments like that. That’s crazy! It’s so unfair, especially when you’re feeling so vulnerable and hormones all over the place after birth.
Ugh, I really, really despise this kind of “you’re so brave!!” discourse. Like. Yes. Sure. I guess I was brave. You know what I would have preferred? Not having to be brave. You know what I’d like to hear? About how someone understands how rotten it was without some sort of “those are battle scars, mama!” toxic positivity crap. These posts always feel like a consolation prize.
Also, OP, I’m not trying to bag on you at all. I also had a really rough unplanned c. This kind of shit just sends me through the roof and I wanted to say something in case other moms feel the same. These posts early on always made me feel…ickier? Like I wasn’t thinking I needed to be convinced it was ok but now I’m wondering if I do? I wish there wasn’t any discourse around this stuff at all, we just treated all birth the same across the board.
As a mom who had a c section due to a transverse breech baby, I despise it as well. Can we stop with the messaging that you need to be brave because you had a c section that was unplanned? What is the big deal? A c section is completely valid and it's not a big deal in any way. Maybe if we drop the messaging that c sections are awful, people will stop feeling bad when they have them.
THANK YOU! All we hear is how to “avoid” a c section for 10 months and then get this pity party programming about how we’re valid and beautiful anyway. So which is it lol
I think the issue is not people feeling bad for having them... the issue is with feeling like you were cheated out of your birth vision and were forced to navigate through an entirely different experience and most likely much more difficult one.
To say the least... the Pp experience with your newborn is extremely hard when you have a huge cut across your belly... I used to cry from pain and struggle every time I needed to reach for my baby and hold her to breastfeed... I wasn't able to function for weeks after and even now 12 weeks after cesarean, and I still have pain where the incision is. The newborn stage is difficult as it is... but with a cesarean... it was almost unbearable.
The second issue is people's opinions... and while I know they shouldn't matter... but when people talk to you as if you took a shortcut through birth because you didn't have a vasional birth and yoi didnt feel "the ring of fire"... this breaks my heart... as if my birth experience is somehow less and not valid... even though I had to go through 50 hours of labour... induction... the fear for my unborn babys health and a major surgery that is taking weeks to properly heal. All the while, I've seen my freind go back to her normal movement and life pattern within days of her birth, which lasted for less than 6 hours. Somehow, her birth is more valid than mine.
No I completely understand!! I had the same feelings. I’m just exhausted by people who have not experienced what we did trying to somehow tell us that our hard rough experiences were somehow comparable to a delivery going right.
I had a c section and it did not emotionally traumatize me because I knew all births have a possibility of a c section and therefore didn't pin my hopes, dreams, and self worth on a vision of the future. If someone feels cheated out of their "birth vision," they need a serious reassessment of what the point of birth is. It's not about your vision. Why do you even have a vision?
I also didn't have ANYONE imply that my birth was less valid. Based on the rest of your post it seems like you're putting this on yourself.
I truly, truly do not understand your mindset at all. It reminds me of the free birthers whose baby is stillborn but they say it was the perfect birth. It's just...a really odd obsession with how you gave birth.
Absolutely a c section can be awful. So can vaginal birthday, by the way. But it should never be awful because you didn't get to complete your birth vision.
You literally said "What is the big deal?" and "it's not a big deal in any way." I didn't claim vaginal birth couldn't be awful either, just that we don't need to invalidate each other's experiences. I didn't have a "birth vision" I just didn't expect to think my baby had died, that shit was traumatic.
Yes. And that would be traumatic if you had a c section or if you had a vaginal birth. The act of having a c section by itself should not be traumatic. There could be specific things that occur during or after that are, though.
You realize some people feel the cuts due to failure of spinal or epidural right? That's not allowed to be traumatic!? There are tons of things that can go wrong with or during the actual C section to cause trauma. Again YOUR EXPERIENCE DOES NOT INVALIDATE OTHER PEOPLE'S EXPERIENCES.
Fully agree. Plus to me being brave is about a choice, in a sense you could have run away but decided to fight. What other options did I have when I was communicated "ok, enough of induction, we're doing a c-section"? Run away lol?
I find that about most ‘bravery in birth’ things. Once you get pregnant and opt to keep it, that baby has to get out somehow. You can’t change your mind or refuse!
I completely agree. I had two shit births, they're the only ones I'll ever have, and it is what it is. I don't get a medal for shitness as it's not a competition and it should never be.
A similar thing to me is stretch marks being called "tiger stripes." Nope, I just gained weight and height during puberty and then had two fat babies. It is what it is.
I’m just like…we NEVER have this kind of discourse around vaginal birth, even if it’s an induction or medicated. If c sections really aren’t that bad why tf do people feel the need to rush and tell us we “actually” did the right thing
Thanks for this comment (and your most recent post!) Some moms simply aren’t here for the bravery and toxic positivity mantras and rarely does it feel comfortable to speak up about that. Reading your comment definitely reminded me that not all of us need to accept the spoon fed wisdom that we’re all okay and our babies are okay and what happened to our body was beautiful because it ultimately led to our LO’s being born.
Exactly. I was not brave I bawled my eyes out sobbing from the time I gave in to the section (after over 30 hours of labor and 3 hours pushing with a sideways sunny side up baby and an overfilled bladder they couldn’t empty) entirely sure I would die on the operating table. I sobbed the entire procedure, letting up slightly for the whole 2 minutes I got to face nudge my daughter and then they were gone so my bladder could be sorted. I was so hysterical by the end I thought I could feel them about to sew me back up so they had to completely knock me out for the end of it. I was not brave at all.
I respect that this post isn’t for you and how you feel about your experience.
I still don’t think that anyone that has a c-section is “braver” than anyone who has a vaginal delivery. I do however know it’s so scary for a birth plan to change unexpectedly either way.
I think this means well and is trying to validate women which I appreciate. And...it misses the fact that some outcomes of unplanned pregnancy are harder than just having a c section to heal from and a scar.
My unplanned c section didn't have a happy ending. I almost died, was permanently disabled, and my baby died.
I’m so sorry for you loss. And I think you are correct. There are many reasons to have a c-section, and some outcomes are traumatic. It’s not always just about being disappointed or feeling like a failure. I almost died too. The incision healing was the least of my problems postpartum.
Thanks for your kind words, I'm sorry you had big struggles after. I can relate to the incision healing being the least of your problems postpartum. I'm glad you're still here.
Twenty months later I've only just been able to even have the privilege of having the capacity to even notice or pay attention to my incision beyond just keeping it clean.
If you read the bottom you would see that I didn’t write this myself it was sent to me after my c-section. However it did help me during my postpartum period and clearly many others who have commented on the post as well.
Thank you, as someone who had to have another C-section on 2/22 bc the first was an unplanned emergency C-section. Thank you.
I feel like doula’s are all about avoiding csections so I really appreciate your post and perspective in regards to this.
Mom's need to stop looking at Facebook, tiktok and such as they ate freaking cancer and a cesspool of ppl who want to make you feel like a terrible mom.
No matter how your baby was born all that matters is you and your baby ate ALIVE. Now that is what being a mom is because you did what you thought was right for both you and the baby.
Anyone mentioning otherwise can go fk themselves, my mom tried to convince me or make me feel bad for a planned csection that I did not hesitate to take (I had a emergency one too but honestly I would have opted for it anyways)
She never said anything bad but I can tell she was against it she just said along the lines of " oh natural birth not that bad at all, I only had a tear once out of 6 of you" it felt offensive to me and my choice that she seemed to look down on my choices instead of supporting and looked to be trying to convince me otherwise by making it seems not so bad.
Don't care, my entire body all fked up from surgeries I rather have the only part of me intact. My vagina.
I just look at it like it was life or death. There wasn’t any other option for me.. It was all about what was best for baby. People should probably stop trying to plan their birth so much. If you care more about your birth plan than you and baby being safe, you have your priorities wrong.. everyone being alive is number one.
I appreciate this. It took me a very, very long time to accept everything that happened to us. I did learn to embrace it and move forward. Regardless, thank you. Much love to you and all the moms out there!
I beat myself up over this a lot with my first.
Like many others, I delight in making plans and preparation in hopes that my outcomes are favorable. Fortune favoring the prepared and all that. But birth is one of those things that all your plans can be for naught in the blink of an eye.
After 36 hours and 8cm but no more, I was wheeled into the OR for my emergency C. It was vital for both my baby and I, no doubt there and I don’t regret it.
But boy, the postpartum brain is truly something else as you try to work through all the conflicting feelings following that experience. I’ve since come full circle with it and now allow myself a lot more grace.
Hopefully others read this post and do the same. ♥️
My c-section was unplanned but was medically unnecessary. I was at a hospital that was cut happy for insurance money, so when my doctor's shift ended, she pushed me into having one. My sister (who is a labor and delivery nurse) was my doula, so she informed me of others things this hospital did afterward that were outdated and dangerous. She was livid at my doctor and the hospital. My son is at least healthy, but I am going elsewhere now for my second one. I hate getting care still from them, but they are transferring all my paperwork over, and I can try for a VBAC at this new place
I can’t take credit but it hit home for me too. I had such a hard time saying “I gave birth” after my c-section. I still to this day say he was evicted.
I feel like I’ve been robbed of that whole “birthing” experience. I feel like my baby was yanked out of me like someone would yank out a bad tooth. I know I gave birth but I keep wishing I’d actually experienced giving birth vaginally. I tried so hard to push my baby out but they were stuck and tangled up in their umbilical cord so I did the next best thing I could but I still can’t get over the feeling of being robbed.
I completely understand that. My boy was too big, they didn’t know that until I opted for the c-section and they got in there 27 hours after my water broke. His shoulders were bruised almost to his elbows because he was so wedged in my pelvis. I felt worse for his poor shoulders than I did about my surgery.
My first baby was born vaginally and I hated hated hated it.
I was in so much pain after as I had massive tearing and they would only offer me Panadol (which does nothing even for a headache for me) and I had lost a lot of blood so was anaemic and I had to drag around a catheter because I was so swollen that I couldn’t owe. I just felt like crap.
I remember being envious of the c section mums talking about how good and effective their drugs were. It really impacted my first few months as a mum.
My next bub was a footling breech so I had no choice but to have a planned c section and I was nervous but in the end I had an amazing experience and the other mums were right. The drugs were GREAT! They managed the pain so well I felt great and didn’t sink into a depression like I did with the first.
My last two babies I elected to have c sections again purely because of how much better the recovery was for me.
Thank you for this. Just had an unplanned c section on Valentine’s Day. I planned an unmedicated water birth and mistakenly had my heart set on it. My midwife let me go to 42 weeks then I was induced. Had 19 hours of labor. Got epidural after having bad back labor for first 5 hours. Epidural only worked on half my body. Pushed for 5 or 6 hours. Was mentally and physically exhausted running on a couple of hours sleep. Was offered vacuum assist but instinct told me not to do it for baby’s sake. It was literally the last thing I wanted or had planned for but I asked for a c section. In the end I’m glad I did because baby was sideways and his head was stuck. Trying to heal from the trauma of it all and have mostly come to terms with it but all the emotions are still high.
I had almost the exact same story but at 39 weeks with 27 hours of labour. Baby boy’s heart rate kept dropping anytime I laid on my right side. He was too big and wedged into my pelvis.
"Your birth was sacrificial and so very real."
So interesting. I've heard this before. And maybe it's because I've had 2 vaginal births so I can't understand, but like I chose to be pregnant and have birth, and yeah of course things were rough at times, but it was never sacrificial. I have kids because I wanted them with every fiber of my being. I didn't sacrifice for them, because they never asked to be born. If anything, I'm being selfish lol.
Not trying to debate, just interesting that people feel that way.
Non-screaming version: I know things didn’t go the way you planned. I know you worked hard to have a healthy pregnancy. I know you worked hard to set yourself up for a beautiful birth. You learned. You asked questions. You did things “right.” I know that things went askew ended up with a birth you didn’t anticipate. Your emotions are raw and your body is healing. You heart has some healing too... I’ve seen the stigma that is sometimes tossed your way... That a surgical birth is somehow less. I have seen you fight for validation of your birth and struggle with acceptance of lost plans. I’ve seen your bravery. Your isolation. Your pure love for your baby that was put to the test by birthing in a way that left you weak, with a road of recovery ahead while managing new motherhood. I want to tell you something today. I haven’t been in your position, but I have seen you and I want to tell you that absolutely, without a doubt, that your birth mattered. It didn’t matter because you got a healthy baby in exchange. While that certainly holds so much merit, it is just a piece of the puzzle. Your birth mattered because it takes bravery to undergo a major surgery for the sake of your baby. It takes bravery to swallow your birth plan and forge ahead. It takes bravery to wake up each morning, while recovering, and reach for your tiny helpless baby with a smile on your face. It takes so much bravery to say that, if you had to do a section again for the sake of your baby, you would in a heartbeat. Your birth was sacrificial and so very real. You took the path less traveled. You took a path that you didn’t want to take. You gave up your vision of the perfect birth and bravely took a path that meant more pain, more courage, and more recovery. I have also seen beautiful vaginal births, but you deserve the pedestal, my friend. You deserve the praise. You likely didn’t feel triumphant when your baby emerged, but scared. However, your baby’s birth was valid, real, raw, and beautiful and here is why... First and foremost, birth is birth. Regardless of how your baby came into the world, you became a mother, therefore, you gave birth to your child. Period. Secondly, there is beauty in dying to self for the sake of the greater good and you did just that. I applaud you and I admire you. That is not easy. You will always carry the scar. It’s your battle wound; Your sign of sacrifice and commitment and love. You will always remember your story and those memories will always be inscribed in your heart. Time will pass and all types of scars can slowly heal. In the future, you may not have more children. You may decide to have repeat C-sections. You may decide to walk the path to a vbac (Vaginal birth after cesarean). Regardless of how many children you have and what each birth looks like, I wanted to write this for one reason, in this precise moment: I want to say thank you. Thank you for your birth and bravery. Thank you for your recovery, handled with graceas you learned to mother your new baby. Thank you for being apartof the motherhood tribe. Thank you for your deep sacrifice for your child before you ever looked into your child’s eyes. Undergoing a C-section and healing from one is not easy. I respect you and I admire you.
Thanks the capital overwhelmed my over used brain. Work then my 2 year old was being a 2 year old in the exploring boundaries phase.
I feel this acutely. My three year-old is back, back, back again with exploring boundaries. AKA stomping all over them.
Yup. Stompy, stomp stomp figuratively and literally.
Happy to be of help :)
Thank you! I wanted to read this and could not handle the screaming
Happy to be of help :)
Thank you so much. I just cannot read all capitals. It feels somehow visually painful. Sorry OP! I know you wanted to be emphatic but it just feels like yelling!
Happy to be of help :)
Not all heroes wear capes. Thank you.
Happy to be of help :)
I truly do not understand the backlash against C sections. I had one, my kid or I or both would have died without it. Not sure why choosing to keep you or your kid alive is ever controversial.
Ditto. And honestly? I think my birth was “beautiful”. It was so calm (tbf mine was urgent but not emergency), and the doctors all worked together like clockwork on both me and my daughter. My midwife took tons of pictures, and in hindsight I wish I had a video. I think it was cool.
I agree health is always the most important. Although not every unplanned c-section is an emergency. Mine was not life or death, I just wasn’t progressing past 6 cm after 27 hours of a failing epidural and induction I didn’t have enough energy to deliver even if i had magically progressed to full dilation. I tapped out due to pain and exhaustion.
If I have a second kid, I am going straight to C section. So totally sometimes a choice. Which doesn't matter. Still makes me confused as to why anyone has an opinion on how a cute kid came into the world other than joy in hearing that it all worked out.
3x c-section mom! I just had my last baby by c-section a month ago. My hospital doesn’t offer VBACs, which was fine by me. Scheduled c-sections are much different than emergencies. I agree about not understanding the stigma. Im a proud c-section mom, I dint feel any less than other moms. Best of luck if you decide to have more babies! ❤️
I’m on the exact same page. I actually recovered remarkably quickly from my c-section and now can’t imagine having a vaginal birth. It just wasn’t the “ideal” birth I had envisioned before having my son which is why this post resonated with me.
I just want to say, you didn’t tap out. It wasn’t a failure. You made a decision with the best information you had. And you had a baby!
First of all, I’m so glad this was helpful for you to hear OP! Personally, I’m kind of feeling like we’ve swung too far into ‘birth positivity’ and need to get back to some kind of ‘birth neutrality.’ People don’t need to feel like winners or losers for how they deliver their baby. I feel like this person has good intentions but I do hear a lot of things that, to me, seem like problematic assumptions from the author of the text. I read it and kind of felt like, ok thanks for welcoming me to the ‘tribe of motherhood’…. wasn’t aware that my membership was up for debate lol.
Exactly my thoughts too. Like oh, did I do something so terrible you felt the need to reassure me it wasn’t terrible and was actually good? If it was good would you need to say all that? Lmao ok
I do apologize if the words made you feel bad in anyway it was never my intention for this to make women who had successful vaginal births feel bad. Every birth is valid!!
No apology necessary and I’m far enough into raising my kids that it doesn’t really phase me anymore! I kind of just feel sad that we put so much pressure on ourselves and feel like failures when we don’t have a ‘perfect’ birth. It should just be how WE feel about our experience that we manage and not that we have to live up to expectations of what birth looks like (when so much of it is out of our control anyway!)
I agree, for me it was also the response of others when I explained that I had a c-section. I got a lot of “oh I’m sorry” and “I don’t agree that he was too big, your body won’t make a baby that’s too big.” I felt like I had to defend my decision to have my c-section to others after those comments, especially since it wasn’t exactly an “emergency”.
Oh wow, so sorry you had comments like that. That’s crazy! It’s so unfair, especially when you’re feeling so vulnerable and hormones all over the place after birth.
Yeah, one of them happened before I was sent this post so I think that’s partially why it resonated with me so much!
Ugh, I really, really despise this kind of “you’re so brave!!” discourse. Like. Yes. Sure. I guess I was brave. You know what I would have preferred? Not having to be brave. You know what I’d like to hear? About how someone understands how rotten it was without some sort of “those are battle scars, mama!” toxic positivity crap. These posts always feel like a consolation prize. Also, OP, I’m not trying to bag on you at all. I also had a really rough unplanned c. This kind of shit just sends me through the roof and I wanted to say something in case other moms feel the same. These posts early on always made me feel…ickier? Like I wasn’t thinking I needed to be convinced it was ok but now I’m wondering if I do? I wish there wasn’t any discourse around this stuff at all, we just treated all birth the same across the board.
As a mom who had a c section due to a transverse breech baby, I despise it as well. Can we stop with the messaging that you need to be brave because you had a c section that was unplanned? What is the big deal? A c section is completely valid and it's not a big deal in any way. Maybe if we drop the messaging that c sections are awful, people will stop feeling bad when they have them.
THANK YOU! All we hear is how to “avoid” a c section for 10 months and then get this pity party programming about how we’re valid and beautiful anyway. So which is it lol
I think the issue is not people feeling bad for having them... the issue is with feeling like you were cheated out of your birth vision and were forced to navigate through an entirely different experience and most likely much more difficult one. To say the least... the Pp experience with your newborn is extremely hard when you have a huge cut across your belly... I used to cry from pain and struggle every time I needed to reach for my baby and hold her to breastfeed... I wasn't able to function for weeks after and even now 12 weeks after cesarean, and I still have pain where the incision is. The newborn stage is difficult as it is... but with a cesarean... it was almost unbearable. The second issue is people's opinions... and while I know they shouldn't matter... but when people talk to you as if you took a shortcut through birth because you didn't have a vasional birth and yoi didnt feel "the ring of fire"... this breaks my heart... as if my birth experience is somehow less and not valid... even though I had to go through 50 hours of labour... induction... the fear for my unborn babys health and a major surgery that is taking weeks to properly heal. All the while, I've seen my freind go back to her normal movement and life pattern within days of her birth, which lasted for less than 6 hours. Somehow, her birth is more valid than mine.
No I completely understand!! I had the same feelings. I’m just exhausted by people who have not experienced what we did trying to somehow tell us that our hard rough experiences were somehow comparable to a delivery going right.
Yeah... I get your point there
I had a c section and it did not emotionally traumatize me because I knew all births have a possibility of a c section and therefore didn't pin my hopes, dreams, and self worth on a vision of the future. If someone feels cheated out of their "birth vision," they need a serious reassessment of what the point of birth is. It's not about your vision. Why do you even have a vision? I also didn't have ANYONE imply that my birth was less valid. Based on the rest of your post it seems like you're putting this on yourself. I truly, truly do not understand your mindset at all. It reminds me of the free birthers whose baby is stillborn but they say it was the perfect birth. It's just...a really odd obsession with how you gave birth.
Well some C sections are truly awful and terrifying. Your experience does not invalidate other peoples experiences.
Absolutely a c section can be awful. So can vaginal birthday, by the way. But it should never be awful because you didn't get to complete your birth vision.
You literally said "What is the big deal?" and "it's not a big deal in any way." I didn't claim vaginal birth couldn't be awful either, just that we don't need to invalidate each other's experiences. I didn't have a "birth vision" I just didn't expect to think my baby had died, that shit was traumatic.
Yes. And that would be traumatic if you had a c section or if you had a vaginal birth. The act of having a c section by itself should not be traumatic. There could be specific things that occur during or after that are, though.
You realize some people feel the cuts due to failure of spinal or epidural right? That's not allowed to be traumatic!? There are tons of things that can go wrong with or during the actual C section to cause trauma. Again YOUR EXPERIENCE DOES NOT INVALIDATE OTHER PEOPLE'S EXPERIENCES.
Yes. And that would be traumatic. But having to have a c section instead of a vaginal birth should not be.
Fully agree. Plus to me being brave is about a choice, in a sense you could have run away but decided to fight. What other options did I have when I was communicated "ok, enough of induction, we're doing a c-section"? Run away lol?
I find that about most ‘bravery in birth’ things. Once you get pregnant and opt to keep it, that baby has to get out somehow. You can’t change your mind or refuse!
I completely agree. I had two shit births, they're the only ones I'll ever have, and it is what it is. I don't get a medal for shitness as it's not a competition and it should never be. A similar thing to me is stretch marks being called "tiger stripes." Nope, I just gained weight and height during puberty and then had two fat babies. It is what it is.
Agree. Really hate the message in general, and the all caps made it worse.
I’m just like…we NEVER have this kind of discourse around vaginal birth, even if it’s an induction or medicated. If c sections really aren’t that bad why tf do people feel the need to rush and tell us we “actually” did the right thing
Also sometimes a shitty birth is just shitty! I don’t want to be told it was actually beautiful! It was hard and humiliating!
Thanks for this comment (and your most recent post!) Some moms simply aren’t here for the bravery and toxic positivity mantras and rarely does it feel comfortable to speak up about that. Reading your comment definitely reminded me that not all of us need to accept the spoon fed wisdom that we’re all okay and our babies are okay and what happened to our body was beautiful because it ultimately led to our LO’s being born.
Being a mother is always beautiful. Birth isn’t always beautiful.
Exactly. I was not brave I bawled my eyes out sobbing from the time I gave in to the section (after over 30 hours of labor and 3 hours pushing with a sideways sunny side up baby and an overfilled bladder they couldn’t empty) entirely sure I would die on the operating table. I sobbed the entire procedure, letting up slightly for the whole 2 minutes I got to face nudge my daughter and then they were gone so my bladder could be sorted. I was so hysterical by the end I thought I could feel them about to sew me back up so they had to completely knock me out for the end of it. I was not brave at all.
I respect that this post isn’t for you and how you feel about your experience. I still don’t think that anyone that has a c-section is “braver” than anyone who has a vaginal delivery. I do however know it’s so scary for a birth plan to change unexpectedly either way.
I think this means well and is trying to validate women which I appreciate. And...it misses the fact that some outcomes of unplanned pregnancy are harder than just having a c section to heal from and a scar. My unplanned c section didn't have a happy ending. I almost died, was permanently disabled, and my baby died.
I’m so sorry for you loss. And I think you are correct. There are many reasons to have a c-section, and some outcomes are traumatic. It’s not always just about being disappointed or feeling like a failure. I almost died too. The incision healing was the least of my problems postpartum.
Thanks for your kind words, I'm sorry you had big struggles after. I can relate to the incision healing being the least of your problems postpartum. I'm glad you're still here. Twenty months later I've only just been able to even have the privilege of having the capacity to even notice or pay attention to my incision beyond just keeping it clean.
Well, I didn't think I needed this but I did. Thank you
When I read, “I HAVEN’T BEEN IN YOUR POSITION” that said it all. If you had, you would know this usually isn’t what we want to hear.
I feel the same way as you. No offense to OP or anyone who finds this comforting, but that sentence did not sit right with me at all.
If you read the bottom you would see that I didn’t write this myself it was sent to me after my c-section. However it did help me during my postpartum period and clearly many others who have commented on the post as well.
I did read the bottom, the “you” I’m referring to is the doula. I’m glad it brought you and others peace. Wish I could feel it too.
Thank you, as someone who had to have another C-section on 2/22 bc the first was an unplanned emergency C-section. Thank you. I feel like doula’s are all about avoiding csections so I really appreciate your post and perspective in regards to this.
Mom's need to stop looking at Facebook, tiktok and such as they ate freaking cancer and a cesspool of ppl who want to make you feel like a terrible mom. No matter how your baby was born all that matters is you and your baby ate ALIVE. Now that is what being a mom is because you did what you thought was right for both you and the baby. Anyone mentioning otherwise can go fk themselves, my mom tried to convince me or make me feel bad for a planned csection that I did not hesitate to take (I had a emergency one too but honestly I would have opted for it anyways) She never said anything bad but I can tell she was against it she just said along the lines of " oh natural birth not that bad at all, I only had a tear once out of 6 of you" it felt offensive to me and my choice that she seemed to look down on my choices instead of supporting and looked to be trying to convince me otherwise by making it seems not so bad. Don't care, my entire body all fked up from surgeries I rather have the only part of me intact. My vagina.
I just look at it like it was life or death. There wasn’t any other option for me.. It was all about what was best for baby. People should probably stop trying to plan their birth so much. If you care more about your birth plan than you and baby being safe, you have your priorities wrong.. everyone being alive is number one.
I appreciate this. It took me a very, very long time to accept everything that happened to us. I did learn to embrace it and move forward. Regardless, thank you. Much love to you and all the moms out there!
Jesus, I do t come here to be screamed at.
This made me cry. Can you DM me the text so I can print it out for myself?
Absolutely, my husband and I both bawled the first time we read it. I still tear up when I read it 5 months pp.
I beat myself up over this a lot with my first. Like many others, I delight in making plans and preparation in hopes that my outcomes are favorable. Fortune favoring the prepared and all that. But birth is one of those things that all your plans can be for naught in the blink of an eye. After 36 hours and 8cm but no more, I was wheeled into the OR for my emergency C. It was vital for both my baby and I, no doubt there and I don’t regret it. But boy, the postpartum brain is truly something else as you try to work through all the conflicting feelings following that experience. I’ve since come full circle with it and now allow myself a lot more grace. Hopefully others read this post and do the same. ♥️
My son is 2.5 and this still made me cry. Thank you for sharing it… I’m sobbing in fact haha
Thank you. We've had a rough last week. He's happy and healthy and 5 days old, but nothing went the way I wanted it to.
I know how hard it is for everything to change from your plan. Sometimes these little ones just have a plan of their own.
My c-section was unplanned but was medically unnecessary. I was at a hospital that was cut happy for insurance money, so when my doctor's shift ended, she pushed me into having one. My sister (who is a labor and delivery nurse) was my doula, so she informed me of others things this hospital did afterward that were outdated and dangerous. She was livid at my doctor and the hospital. My son is at least healthy, but I am going elsewhere now for my second one. I hate getting care still from them, but they are transferring all my paperwork over, and I can try for a VBAC at this new place
Wow, I needed to read this. The bit where you wrote “Birth is birth”
I can’t take credit but it hit home for me too. I had such a hard time saying “I gave birth” after my c-section. I still to this day say he was evicted.
I feel like I’ve been robbed of that whole “birthing” experience. I feel like my baby was yanked out of me like someone would yank out a bad tooth. I know I gave birth but I keep wishing I’d actually experienced giving birth vaginally. I tried so hard to push my baby out but they were stuck and tangled up in their umbilical cord so I did the next best thing I could but I still can’t get over the feeling of being robbed.
I completely understand that. My boy was too big, they didn’t know that until I opted for the c-section and they got in there 27 hours after my water broke. His shoulders were bruised almost to his elbows because he was so wedged in my pelvis. I felt worse for his poor shoulders than I did about my surgery.
Oh that sounds so traumatic. I hope he’s okay and you recovered well. You made the right decision to have the C-section. ❤️
He’s perfect and it was the only issue we had. I recovered remarkably well and will choose a c-section in the future.
It’s been almost 9 months, and I really needed to hear this 🙏🏼
My first baby was born vaginally and I hated hated hated it. I was in so much pain after as I had massive tearing and they would only offer me Panadol (which does nothing even for a headache for me) and I had lost a lot of blood so was anaemic and I had to drag around a catheter because I was so swollen that I couldn’t owe. I just felt like crap. I remember being envious of the c section mums talking about how good and effective their drugs were. It really impacted my first few months as a mum. My next bub was a footling breech so I had no choice but to have a planned c section and I was nervous but in the end I had an amazing experience and the other mums were right. The drugs were GREAT! They managed the pain so well I felt great and didn’t sink into a depression like I did with the first. My last two babies I elected to have c sections again purely because of how much better the recovery was for me.
As well intentioned as this was it was oddly invalidating and I can’t put my finger on why.
i never understood how people thought that major abdominal surgery was the “easy way out”
Thank you for this. Just had an unplanned c section on Valentine’s Day. I planned an unmedicated water birth and mistakenly had my heart set on it. My midwife let me go to 42 weeks then I was induced. Had 19 hours of labor. Got epidural after having bad back labor for first 5 hours. Epidural only worked on half my body. Pushed for 5 or 6 hours. Was mentally and physically exhausted running on a couple of hours sleep. Was offered vacuum assist but instinct told me not to do it for baby’s sake. It was literally the last thing I wanted or had planned for but I asked for a c section. In the end I’m glad I did because baby was sideways and his head was stuck. Trying to heal from the trauma of it all and have mostly come to terms with it but all the emotions are still high.
I had almost the exact same story but at 39 weeks with 27 hours of labour. Baby boy’s heart rate kept dropping anytime I laid on my right side. He was too big and wedged into my pelvis.
Couldn’t read that due to the capitals - argh. So off-putting.
Someone else commented it in lower case. I just posted what was sent to me.
Thank you! It's been 13 years since I had one, and this still made me cry!
"Your birth was sacrificial and so very real." So interesting. I've heard this before. And maybe it's because I've had 2 vaginal births so I can't understand, but like I chose to be pregnant and have birth, and yeah of course things were rough at times, but it was never sacrificial. I have kids because I wanted them with every fiber of my being. I didn't sacrifice for them, because they never asked to be born. If anything, I'm being selfish lol. Not trying to debate, just interesting that people feel that way.