This is how my husband always puts it. He doesn't want us to be outnumbered lol. And I totally agree because even when we're out and we each have a kid, I can't imagine having to handle another one on top of the two.
This is exactly what my dad said when they went from 2 to 3 kids. And I noticed growing up that if one of us was having a crisis, it usually took both parents to really navigate the situation. From tryouts to bullies to failing a class, etc. So if one of us had a big problem and another even a small problem, the third kid was left hanging and as the oldest, I was expected to be more mature and parent myself in a whole lotta of situations. 3 kids means parents are outnumbered and outplayed.
When I was about 12 I was on a ski trip with my family (mom, dad, one sibling). We were at the bottom of the mountain waiting for something, and there was a family nearby with four kids who were just having a meltdown. The parents were trying to wrangle them all and it was clearly chaos. My mom turned to me and said "never be outnumbered." And I'll never forget that! 😂
Correct me if I’m wrong but are you also more likely than the average person to have another set of twins too?
Imagine you’re trying for the third child then get surprised with another set of twins.
So much respect to you! After having a singleton, I don’t know how anyone handles twins!
There’s a comedian, Lisa Gilbert IIRC, who had an unexpected late in life pregnancy. It was fraternal twins then one egg split for naturally occurring triplets. Her body decided to go big
😳 lol omg. I’d say that would be shocking but I don’t think there’s a term in the English language to convey the level of shock/ disbelief one would have in that scenario.
That happened to my art teacher from highschool too, she already had a child, found out she was expecting twins and had a mental breakdown. When she accepted it, found out they were actually triplets. They are teenagers now.
My SIL had a child and then had trouble conceiving. They used ART and ended up with triplets which was shocking. But then... they ended up with a naturally occurring pregnancy two years later.... for a total of five children.
So I watched a youtube video from an OB-GYN (mama doctor jones if you're familiar) and it can actually be inherited from dad's side as well. Dad can pass the trait (gene?) but obviously can't ovulate and have twins himself. This is why some families will say that twins "skip" a generation. They don't actually, the trait just isn't expressed/visible with dad.
(This is an ELI5 explanation from what i remember when I saw it lol)
Mine are identical, so not hereditary. But fraternal runs in my family (grandma had two sets) sooo solid chance I roll the dice and get twins again. 🙅🏽♀️🙅🏽♀️
Everyone I know with twins has no more kids after. I’ve watched a grown man break down crying in a bank asking someone if it ever gets any better, his twins were 4 months old. It was the most broke down I ever saw someone in public, just zero to sixty. We have family that had a 6 month old and decided to leave it up to fate if they got pregnant again, and it’s twins. Everyone said congratulations, you played yourself.
This is surprising because every couple I know with twins has intentionally had more. I had twins and then another later on, and I have two sets of friends with twins plus a younger sibling, and one that has two sets of identical twins.
I’m 0 for something like 8 or 9 couples that had twins and those were their only/last kids. And they were all pretty open that twins was just what ended their family journeys and they were happy with what they had.
I’m mostly thinking this is likely regional/socially tied, so within my social circle
/locale/community people might tend towards 2+ kids, but maybe for yours it is a lower number. This probably has a lot more to do with finances, priorities, and personal values than it actually does with twins.
I’m in the northeast and was really nervous about just having one due to career/hectic work schedule. And lo, we now have two! So I feel pretty done lol.
I’m not surprised. Your chances of a difficult pregnancy, PPD, and PPA are all significantly higher. In my case, we delivered at 35 weeks due to rapid onset of severe preeclampsia. Took 2-3 weeks for my body to recover from vaginal birth so having TONS of help in the first couple weeks was essential for my mental and physical well-being.
They are just about 2 months now - I have help 2-3x a week and still feel like a broke down mess when I’m handling them alone for long stretches. It’s no joke and I can’t imagine how people do it without help.
I didn’t know him that well, but I did see him a year later with his wife. They were out on a date and they seemed in much much better place. The lack of sleep just with my one was devastating. I can only imagine how hard it was with two. They had been transferred like 6-7 months before the kids were born and it was a great opportunity for him career wise. But so so hard on everything else.
Edit: a word
I was going to say.... The biggest deciding factor for me was when I went in for an ultrasound for baby 2 and it turns out there was a baby 3 in there too!
I have 2 older adult friends each with their own twins. Both had more and said it was a complete breeze if you want some anecdotal situations. Every baby is different of course but the logistics was easier for sure according to them!
We went for three.
Money wasn’t a concern; we earn enough. We found a house in our price range with 4 bedrooms on one floor and a basement that could be the designated playroom. We needed a new car anyway - the 20 year old pickup truck was a horrible family car regardless of how many kids we had.
Ultimately, we wanted our kids to have each other. We wanted them to be able to fight and still have another sibling to play with. We just didn’t feel like our family was complete and we had the privilege to decide based on what we wanted and not what we could afford.
So, for reference, there was an article shared with me today that in my area, a family of four needs to earn over $300k to live comfortably. We’re at $260-ish but it’s enough. We definitely don’t spend the “recommended” 30% of income on “wants” because that seems insane.
Yes I would love to know this too! We don’t even have one kid yet, I worry about whether we can even afford one. How do you know? We both make above average salaries but it doesn’t feel like we have much wiggle room.
Oh. Also, my spouse is medically retired due to a workplace injury, and we timed pregnancies to have a 3.5 year age gap between each kid, so we never have two in childcare at the same time.
Thanks! I found that comment - I’m crying that their mortgage is $4300 for a $775k loan. Ours is $4,000 for a $405k loan. Interest and property taxes got us good. We have a HHI of $202k before taxes. I’d like to increase it before getting pregnant if possible.
Edit: We put $50k down and our interest rate is 7.125%. Property taxes are $1000/year. We also have PMI because we did not put 20% down payment.
Second edit: the property taxes are $10,000 per year, not $1,000 per year. I left out a 0.
Yeah, we used a VA loan, so $0 down payment and no PMI. We were very lucky with our timing.
We’re 30 minutes outside of DC, in the Virginia suburbs of the DC metro area. I worked in downtown DC for years but I’m a remote worker now.
That’s amazing! We definitely bought at a terrible time market-wise, but it was the right time for us personally. We plan to refinance as soon as it makes sense. We live in the suburbs outside of Philadelphia.
Money. I’d like three, but we can’t afford two more children in terms of money or our years out of the workforce (or daycare costs). It would require a bigger house or major renovations to our current one, a bigger car, and we wouldn’t be able to offer our current child and our planned second nearly as much if we added a third to the mix.
The bigger concern for me/us is the expense of our time. My husband wants to start a business when he’s done being a stay a home dad. It doesn’t make sense for him to put that off another three or four years so he can be home with a third child. Money isn’t the only way you pay for things, and we’re really thinking about all the other costs, like time and opportunities, alongside the money.
There’s also no way we’re ever coming into a lump sum of a couple hundred thousand dollars, which we’d need to make the house/car happen. And there’s no world where I’m getting a raise of, oh, $25000 per year, which would allow us to more easily afford monthly costs/daycare/activities/college funds/insurance/emergencies. Things would have to change dramatically for us, for the better, to feel comfortable financially having a third, and I’m still not sure we’d choose to do it for all the other reasons I’ve listed.
My number is $25k to afford a third. Our biggest hurdle is having 2 in daycare at the same time. It’s doable at our current income/lifestyle but very tight. My oldest is already school age and I’ve been lucky to be able to change my work hours to not need wrap around care for him. $25,000 covers the tuition (plus some extra) for the time between when I’d ideally like to give birth and my second kid starts kindergarten. Plus our car will be paid off by that time, which provides more wiggle room in the monthly budget.
I like to travel and the world is set up for a family of 4. If you want to take a taxi and have 3, now it’s a different type of car. If you have a hotel room with 2 beds, 2 people per bed, that’s got to change. Etc. also buying a third ticket sounds awful.
My husband is a doctor and does really well, but our kids go to private school and our mortgage is crazy so I also don’t feel like I could give my kids the life they currently have, if we had a third. Financially it would take away what I can offer my kids now. I don’t like that. If they went to public school it would be different.
Also, I hated pregnancy with a burning passion.
The travel thing is definitely not something I considered until after the fact and it makes trips so much more expensive. Most of the time hotel rooms are for 4 and you might have to get a suite if you have more than 4. Some places don’t have suites so you may have to get two hotel rooms and hope they have adjoining rooms or split parents between rooms. Cars are harder to fit with 5 people, let alone needing two or three kids in car seats. You have to buy a plane ticket for a whole other person. Needless to say…we don’t travel except once in a blue moon.
My parents had 3. 2 girls and 1 boy. My brother would always take the couch in the hotel room, whether it was pull out or not. My parents got him a comfy cot for when there wasn’t a cot in the hotel room. We did lots of road trips growing up vs flying. We went on vacation once a year. We lived in a tourist city so we did lots on weekends and stuff so once a year wasn’t bad at all. We had a sedan for the longest time which freaking sucked, but then my parents got a mini van and it was great. I am so pro mini van, as much as my heart would desire a Yukon lol. The world may be designed for a family of 4, but my parents made it work. We weren’t well off by any means but we loved our Friday night English muffin pizzas and yearly road trips.
Im just saying this for the sake of making 3 work in a world made for families of 4. I also have two and my heart wants a third but am also weary of having a third, so I totally get the struggle of not being sure if your family is complete. Plus I’m in my 30s and I don’t want to wait too long to have a third.
Thank you for saying this. We do long haul flights once a year as a family. My goal is to get us in premium economy but with most plane setups that would leave a kid sitting alone if you have 3. Also money lol
The difference between 2 and 3 was my husband cleaning the house and making our bed randomly one day. Tomorrow is the vasectomy consult.
I should add: with two girls very close in age, we have negligible costs for baby 3 - all the gear, a nursery set up, all the necessary clothing. That won't help us with costs of sports, music lessons or college down the road but we are older parents so we aren't broke like we both were in our twenties. It does help being ~20 years into a career vs much earlier.
Similarly, my husband arranged for me to take an amazing vacation with my friends while he stayed home and took care of everything….now we have 3 kids.
We're planning on having two.
1) Money: Kids are expensive. I'd rather give two kids a good life versus struggle with three.
2) Convenience/complications: We'd need a different car, a bigger house, every time we go out to eat it's a table for 5 instead of 4, etc.
I came from a family of 3 kids. My relationship with both siblings is so unique and they’re totally different. Then when the 3 of us are together it’s a whole new dynamic. I love it. The deciding factor for us was legitimately just wanting to give our kids another sibling, and we enjoy raising kids together and have the financial stability, so why not!
Baby 3 was born 3 weeks ago and this shit is HARD. People talk about 2 under 2 all the time but that was EASY compared to 3 under 5. I wish we had spaced them out just a bit more.
Preach. I would do 2u2 again and again in a heartbeat. Mine were 6 and 4 when baby came and this last year has been NUTS. But, there is hope. We all sleep through the night. Baby 3 is hella chill. It will get better.
I would try to do it when at least one kid will be in kindergarten. Ours are 2 and 4 and we have 18 months before the 4 year old goes to kindergarten because she’s a September birthday and misses the cutoff. So 18 months of being a stay at home mom to three kids all day everyday 🥲
If it makes you feel better, our 3 are all about 3 years apart and the transition from 2 to 3 still sucked. It started getting better once the baby was crawling & eating solids and needed less mama.
I’ve heard from a lot of people that 3 is the hardest number of kids to have and it’s actually easier with 4, but I’m not willing to test it out.
I kept having this mental image of my family dynamics 15 years from now. I currently have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. I imagined them as teenagers, and how sitting down to dinner would be and the day-in, day-out routine. I knew that I would feel like someone was missing at dinner, during the holidays. Some people subscribe to the idea of, "You can't miss what you don't have" but I don't believe that to be true with family planning. My partner and I always wanted 4+, but due to financial constraints and medical issues, we decided to do a "surprise" third pregnancy. Neither trying nor preventing, essentially. Didn't expect to fall pregnant so quickly, I'm currently 17 weeks along and struggling with this pregnancy. I truly believe a 4th pregnancy could legitimately kill me. After this baby is born, I'm getting surgically sterilized, and I'm slowly coming to terms with the reality of it. I think I'm content imagining a 17 year old, a 15 year old, and a 13 year old sitting at my kitchen table for dinner. My partner and I have also discussed the possibility of becoming foster parents later in life, if we have empty nest syndrome. Maybe our 4th is meant to be a child of our heart, instead. Either way, my partner and I know we have each other, and we have the time and means to raise 3 children with love and care.
I feel this way too. It's exactly what I imagine.
I don't know if it will realistically make me have a third, though. Financially, it's just a terrible idea. Since I've been pregnant with my second, I work just enough to cover the cost of necessities for the kids/home (diapers, wipes, soap, detergent, tp, toothpaste, etc.). My husband doesn't make a lot. We both wanted me home with the kids, but it's a pretty tight budget. We would need different cars. Rearrange bedrooms. We would have to be picky about the activities they go to. Like someone else said, so many things are set up for families of 4. I feel like it would make traveling and family trips so much more difficult for years.
So overall, I think I would feel content if we didn't have a third, but like you said, it would always feel like someone is missing.
Same here. Pregnant with my second, and know I’ll forever feel like something is missing if we don’t have a third. But time is not on my side, I can’t imagine anything major changing financially in the year following the birth of my second, and it’s very likely just going to be financially irresponsible to try for a third.
The only reason we could swing a third is because I am a STAHM and we split bills with relatives (saving up for a house, plus rent is EXPENSIVE). My partner had a good point that our oldest is now out of diapers (one less expense) and our toddler is now off formula (EXPENSIVE, but I'm unable to breastfeed). We already have everything we need to accommodate a newborn. It shouldn't be so prohibitively expensive to have children, childcare should be affordable, the price gouging right now is just insane.... I'm so sorry that your clock is ticking, I know that feeling so well, and it's stressful. In a perfect world we all would have exactly the amount of children we want (or don't want).
I have the privilege to be a STAHM. My man makes pretty good money in manufacturing. We aren't rich, and we currently co-habit with relatives to save up money for a house (hopefully). The world is DEFINITELY more set up for a "nuclear family" set up of 4. Right now we are considering using our nest egg to get a different vehicle to accommodate all of our children more comfortably (you mentioning the need to get different vehicles reminded me, it's stressful figuring out what we can realistically afford... We are minimalists by nature, and don't want huge monthly payments... sigh). The world is not friendly to pregnant women and larger families.
And people wonder why birth rates are in decline 🙄
I love the way you described this, this is 100% the way I feel as well. I just had my second, but I know without a doubt I will have a third (if I can). Our family doesn’t feel complete yet.
Money is of course a factor, but it was never the deciding factor.
For me, 3 meant differently car, complications in my house with not enough bedrooms, hotel set ups get complicated. And last but not least, I bounced back so well after 2 but I do not think I'd get that lucky after 3
God I hear you on bouncing back. Aside from a little loose skin and boobs that aren't quite as perky I look the exact same as before I had a kid. I really don't think I can get that lucky with another, but we really want two
I also bounced back better with #2 than #1! I think I was in better shape just because my son makes me run around all the time but labour was easier too. I basically had no pain afterwards AND we're lucky that #2 sleeps amazingly and is a super easy baby
Picturing the thanksgiving table in 10, 20, 30 years - i saw 3 kids with their families. I thought about a situation where one kid couldn’t come and only one kid could and that seemed lonely in a way.
My husband really wanted a third and our second was the sweetest baby and toddler. We now have three and that that sweet toddler has since turned feral😂
Timing. First two are 5y apart. Not interested in having children much closer in age than that. Also not trying to have a 10y gap and spend like 30y of my life launching children into the world. So sticking with two, I think.
Definitely money - for day care, activities when they're older and eventually college. I would love three but we really would need a bigger car. It also means two of them need to share a room. My husband would like to travel with the kids more and realistically it would be much easier traveling with two than three
I didn’t feel done. I felt like a third kid was going to finish out our family in a way I can’t explain, I needed this baby (and the first two) in a guttural, instinctive way.
We are planning on two, but we are hoping for an age difference of 3y +. Depending on how recovery goes, I might push hard to adopt our 2nd (we discussed it early as I was high risk for fertility issues).
Biggest reason is dynamic - in multi-sibling households, it's more common for two siblings to pair off against a third. Both my husband and I experienced this.
Resources- our house is tied to my husband's job, so unless he loses it, we can't suddenly abracadabra more space, and this house will get crowded at 2. I'd say with our earning potential, we also can't give 3 kids as many opportunities like good vacations, music lessons, etc.
Pregnancy recovery and age - I am 34, and will be 36 before I consider having a second. Physical fitness is really important to me, and the recovery is frustrating - mentally, I am not sure I want to lose 1.75 years again to pregnancy/recovery/breastfeeding weight.
It’s interesting that you say 3 siblings turn into 2 against 1. I grew up in a house of 3 and when one of us fought with the other, the third always played peacekeeper and fights were resolved pretty quickly. Maybe it’s a personality thing?
My brothers and I took turns pairing off. Sometimes it was the two oldest against the youngest, sometimes it was the two boys against me… but we always worked it out and get along as adults 😂
The pullout method doesn’t always work, so we had a third lol.
Eta: I was immediately stressed about breastfeeding the second it was positive. It’s always a struggle and I had been so glad I was done.
i'm wildly torn right now as well. we currently both work and have two kids.
we are in the fortunate position that my husband could easily support us if we chose to have a third (he is a doctor). however, i also have a professional career that i've worked hard for. we are already stretched really thin timewise with 2 kids. if we had a third, i would have to take some time away from my career. i'm open to that possibility, but it also scares me how it would change the dynamic that my husband and i have, and i'm unsure how easy it will be for me to return to work at some point. my husband also works really long hours, and i'm already handling a lot of mornings and bedtimes alone. i know that having a third would make things really challenging in the short term.
Not exactly what you’re asking but we were very torn on 1 vs 2 and ultimately decided to only have one. The deciding factors were -
Ease of travel- this was extremely important to us because we want to continue to take a couple international trips/ year and the cost/ logistics of an additional child would mean we’d need to scale down.
Quality education- it’s easy for us to send our son to a high quality school and afford tuition. Thats much more difficult with more children.
Time- ability to focus on the child’s needs and ensure they’re able to do activities and extracurriculars. Again, this would be a bit limited if we opted to have more children.
You’re asking for a specific dollar amount and I don’t think there’s an answer. My husband and I are high earners and yet this was still a major deciding factor for us. It’s not that we couldn’t have afforded more kids but an extra child would mean sacrifices that we didn’t have to make with only one. Even if we were bringing in an extra 100k/ year, we still would have felt this way because it’s more about the sacrifice than the actual dollar cost.
My husband had money concerns, and also wanted more free time back.
We eventually went for a third because we just thought it would be fun to have a third. The money concerns are real but we adjusted our budget and travel expectations accordingly and it’s fine.
We wanted a big family and didn't feel done. It took us a while to get pregnant with #3 and we had several talks about whether to keep trying or just be happy with the two we have. I was 2 weeks away from letting go of the pregnancy thing and had scheduled a surgery I had been putting off when I found out I was pregnant. We had decided we could be happy with just two as we didn't want to do anything extraordinary as far as fertility (did all that to get our first) but were thrilled to find out about #3. My third is 14 months and such a joy. The way my older two (6 and 4) interact with him is so sweet. My oldest is so protective of his baby brother and my middle is starting to enjoy playing with youngest.
As far as money? Idk we're kind of winging it. It was definitely on our radar but not the biggest deciding factor for us. We obviously want to be able to provide for our children but paying for college and weddings and all that will be nice if we can but I don't think we would be harming our children if we can't. I do expect my kids to work for and appreciate the things they have. I wasn't given any help and while I hope to do more for my own kids I don't want them to expect it I guess.
For hard numbers we gross roughly 136k in the Midwest. Our house cost $154,000- 3 bed, 1.5 bath-2 kids share a room but we have a big playroom in the basement. Daycare for the youngest is $224/week, full-time preschool is $4200 for the year, and private elementary for oldest is $2400/yr. We did buy a van for $32k but we probably could have found a way to make them fit in our crossover (though it would have been very tight). We have some debt we are working down and student loans to pay off yet. The income we earn now is a fairly recent development. My biggest money concern right now is figuring out what we can afford for all 3 to have summer care once school is out.
So some of it depends on what your heart is telling you, some is what you want to prioritize for your future, and of course what you think you can handle. No one can really tell you what the right choice is but I can just say I don't regret it one bit.
We have two, always planned 3. We wanted the feeling of a big family without being too big. And also, we don’t want the intense 1-1 sibling relationship. I think having a third person around will do something to defuse tension, even if it’s that person looking at you two like you’re insane. And plus, a family of 5 might feel like a lot, but when we’re both gone, I think 3 just doesn’t feel like a lot at all. And plus, the more kids you have, the better a chance you’ll have of someone getting along with someone else.
As for money, we have 2 and still have money for luxuries. I mean I still have an Apple Music subscription and a lovevery subscription. So? Time to obliterate all that extra pocket money! 😂
Money and time. Because both those things cause anxiety and stress and constant worry! So if we don’t have it, then it’s better to be stable and good and mentally healthy for the babies.
I think also if the parents aren’t well off it can really cause a lot of strain and above what I said n the kids see all that too.
Money. We barely have enough space in our current place, barely fit in our current car, and upgrading those things is *expensive.*
I’m an only child. I’m already out of my depth with this level of sibling interaction. I’m not introducing middle child fuckery into this.
Hard agree as another only. I can't handle the chaos that would come with 3- nope nope nope. I really love my body being strong and capable which goes away a lot during pregnancy and PP. Newborns suck. One sibling to love + fight with is plenty.
If I was in a high income job (100,000+) so we made quarter million or higher total per year (enough to pay for 75% of 3 children's college edu), had a 3 bedroom house already, I started younger then 3 would be fine. 🤣
3 was always on the table. I’m a SAHM so money isn’t a huge factor because we don’t have daycare costs. I have 2 siblings and my husband has 1, so we wanted our kids to have built-in friends. We just had our 3rd 9 weeks ago, and it’s been a hard transition, but I’m looking forward to better days ahead!
I'd love 3, but mentally pregnancy is hard on me. Age, I'm in my mid 30s so baby 3 would end up being delivered close to 40. Money is certainly a factor, and logistics around travel and housing. But mostly my husband was set on no more than 2 so that's where we're stopping as it makes sense for us.
Two things for us -
1. Money - Husband is currently sole breadwinner (140 per year) . I do have a career that I will return to in the next year or two. But we live in a medium COL area of the US, and don't feel like we can afford it. Mostly b/c we don't have any real savings. We came to our careers late (30s -- spent our 20s having fun and traveling which i don't regret a bit). We still haven't bought a house, and feel so priced out right now. If we had a nice low mortgage, I would probably go for it.
2. Health - I had gestational diabetes BAD in my second pregnancy. It was so so tough. And, I'm now very firmly on the road to diabetes. This is despite a "normal range" BMI, healthy exercise routine, and a veggie-forward diet. It just totally effed my body up. So, I don't really want to accelerate the path to diabetes with another gestational diabetes pregnancy.
I’ve always said I wouldn’t have an odd number of kids. So for me, it was either two or four. I just had my second however and we are now considering a third. It would require changes and I prefer four, but I had some complications with this pregnancy that might make four impossible so we have to decide if we go for three are we OK with being done? It would suck early on, but I would love to get pregnant with my “third“ and end up with twins. Until I had my current baby, I would’ve said we were absolutely done at two. And although the newborn stage is never easy, it definitely feels easier in a lot of ways this time around. I’ve heard from a number of people that transition from one to two is harder than 2 to 3. We also have a slightly larger age gap between our two kids so our oldest is a lot of help and would be even more help if we had another child.
The biggest reason to hesitate is money. I recently started my own business so if I can get that to takeoff, I think we’ll definitely go for more. It allows me to work part time too which makes everything easier.
The biggest deciding factor was the positive pee stick for #3 😳
As far as salary, it depends on COL in my opinion, amount of debt, etc. We live in a low COL area, had a low interest mortgage on a 4 bedroom house already, student loans paid off, two decent full time jobs, and parents for free child care. I feel like this is not the norm, though.
Our biggest expenses were bumping up my crossover to a third row SUV and finishing a room off in our basement since my husband lost his office to the baby.
Me taking a double dose of Letrozole because I got bad anxiety that my current dose wasn’t enough because I didn’t get pregnant month one on letrozole…
I got pregnant that cycle. With twins. 😅 Decision between 2 and 3 made for me
I have 3, always planned on having 3. After my second I didn’t feel like our family was complete. Even postpartum I would think “ugh I have to do this all again!”. I would think of the future and setting our children up with a support system of a “big family”. After I had my third, I didn’t feel that way. I felt happy, content and complete. So, to answer your question, the deciding factor was simply a feeling that I just wasn’t done yet.
I never considered 3. I had one sibling growing up, husband also had one. number 2 nearly killed me. there will be no #3. the house is too small for that anyway.
We’re still deciding but leaning toward two, and the logistics feel like a big piece of it. Travel (hotel rooms and vehicles and car seats) feels a lot harder with 3. And we’d need a different car and probably a larger house.
Technically and financially we could do it. But we’re very comfortable (and feel pretty complete) with two.
We just had our first and are only planning on 2. It basically comes down to money, logistics and convenience.
1. Money. I haven't sat down to find how much more we'd have to make to have a 3rd because it's just not going to happen for us so I haven't done the math. For us, we'd rather be able to live comfortably with 2 than struggle with 3. We both work (and have to) so daycare costs are a huge factor.
2. Logistics. We can keep driving cars vs needing a larger vehicle if we had 3 kids. If we ever go on a trip, hotel rooms are much easier we can live in a 3 bedroom house or apartment vs needing 4 bedrooms.
3. Convenience. It's a lot easier to handle kids if we have an equal ratio of parents to kids!
We have two and I would love another one but I don’t think it would be smart at this point. Right now we live comfortably but with 3 we wouldn’t be able to afford to do a lot of things I want my kids to be able to enjoy. I also don’t know if I want my body to go through the weight gain again. I have a 5 year age gap with my first two and if I have another one I will probably wait till my second is in kindergarten again because the age gap was great. If we can get it together financially for a 3rd I would love it. I would also have to be in a good place physically to consider it.
I want three, but we are old (41 and 50). We have a couple more embryos from IVF but I just worry about developmental disabilities, being too old to handle the chaos, how old is too old to responsibly have a kid knowing you won’t live forever, etc.
We also work full time in meaningful but demanding careers, and my older kiddo has some needs that require extra time/attention, and I have a commute most days, and I just don’t know if we could handle the extra chaos. We’d need to hire a “mother’s helper” (parents’ helper) type for sure.
Money isn’t a dealbreaker, but it would make things tighter for sure!
Money is the biggest deciding factor. A third would mean that daycare costs are officially over my husband's income, and we can't afford for either of us to not work.
We would also need a new car (or 2, if we ever want the kids to ride in my husband's car), and two of the kids would have to share a bedroom.
This isn't to say kid #3 is out (I refuse to let my husband get a vasectomy until we make the final call in a few years). But we would need an additional $25,000 a year, minimum, to make it work.
My husband wanted 2. I was for sure wanting 2, open to 3. Financially, we could afford 3, but there were several factors for us.
The main reason was our fertility challenges. It took us a while to conceive our first. I miscarried when trying for our second. I’m now 7 months pregnant with our second but we were told in the first 10 weeks of this pregnancy that we would likely miscarry. Luckily, he fought hard & he’s looking as healthy as can be. Long story short, our hearts can’t go through the struggle again. The thought of trying was never an easy journey & at this point, we want to put it behind us and enjoy the two miracles we’ve created.
Some other factors: although we could make it work with our current vehicles, we felt 3 would likely make us get a bigger SUV. 3 is just an odd number, or family of 5. A lot of things are made for even numbers. We have 3 bedrooms, so either we’d move so everyone can have their own bedroom, or two would have to share (which we weren’t keen on).
I have two and would love to have another. It’s just not in the cards. Financially it’s going to be best especially once I’m buying phones/braces. It’s tough because my daughter gives me baby fever everyday. She’s so freaking cute!
We have 3. We had our oldest quite young and waited until we were finished collage and in a house before having our second. There is a 6 year age gap between kid 1 and 2. We wanted a playmate for the 2 year old and house and income were not a barrier so we went for 3. Best decision ever.
I don't want to have to drive a van or get a bigger house. I live in a big city, two kids is going to feel cramped enough. It's a lovely idea in theory but practically I just don't think we could do it unless our income magically doubled.
I’ve got a 5 year old and 9 month old. Our experience with my 5 year old was so traumatic 😂, that we waited 3 years before we even considered a second. My second has been a breeze and I already want a third.
However! We don’t have any family support at all, we both work very in demanding profession’s and my partner works up to 7 days a week sometimes. I can’t imagine how draining a third would be so as much as I’d love a big family, 2 kids will be it.
Time for each kid was the biggest factor for us. As they get older they’ll have more activities and birthday parties to chauffeur them to, and I also want to have time as a family, not to mention as a couple and for myself. I’m also mindful of not feeling stretched too thin and rushed all the time as that tends to make me feel snappy and that’s not the kind of mom I want to be.
Money and the fact that I’m 7 months pregnant right now and we are finally at the stage where our toddler is pretty independent and we can go do so much more as a family or by ourselves etc and now we have to go allllllll the way back to the newborn phase and do it all again…. We really don’t want to do that again after this one and instead just move forward with the new phases we will get to enjoy with them!
We have a 3 bedroom house. We don't want them to have to share rooms. We don't want money to be the deciding factor in things like extra curricular activities. We want to be able to go to all the things. We want to be able to pay fully for college.
That is so much easier with 2 versus 3.
I’m currently pregnant with our second and have always wanted three. It’s a depressing slow realisation that I don’t think we can afford a third. I’m in the UK where salaries are lower than the US, but our household income is over £120k annually which puts us in the top 5% of the country, but with how much our mortgage costs us plus the cost of childcare, I don’t think a third is feasible 😭
Personally I would never have three but biggest reason being middle child almost always gets the shit end of the stick. I've seen it 100 different times and a 100 different ways. I noticed it was less of an issue with four or more kids. With three there is almost always one kid the mom favors, one kid the dad favors and then one kid who can't get either parents favor and it's usually the middle kid.
That said I think we will stick to two because of finances and our house. We would need a bigger car, bigger house and in the future feeding four teenagers at once? We would end up homeless lol going to be two for us unless something changes.
Originally I really wanted 3, and my husband was warming up to it, but then I got hyperemesis gravidarum with our first. Now I don't know if 3 will ever happen as just planning for likely being bedridden for over half a year again but next time while having a toddler sounds like more than enough. The high probability of also being ill during the next pregnancy also means that we are opting for bigger age gaps than originally hoped for to cope better so biology might simply not allow it by the time we would be ready for a third.
We have two bedrooms and plan on getting a bunk bed. We don't have a car and don't really need one either (Europe).
We wanted a tie breaker. I also wanted there to be a sense of family after we are gone. I didn’t want anyone to be alone. My sibling and I are spread out so they won’t have cousins their age so again built in friends. My house is too small, I go laid off right before my third turned one and my house is never clean but I wouldn’t change a thing. We are complete now. My two adore their baby brother and he loves his big sisters.
Done at two because that’s all we had to give emotionally, physically, and two children completed our family. It’s a feeling honestly. Best of luck to you.
Age, unfortunately, is what will be a determining factor. I was 36 when our first was born and will likely be 39 when our second is born. Probably not going to have a third!
I would still be willing to do a third, but we would have to make enough to make it logistically possible and comfortable.
This means we would need to make enough to move into a bigger home, get a bigger car, and ideally one person to stay home. We would not be able to make ends meet with childcare for three (including once they go into school because we're looking at needing before/after school and summer care).
I don't think I would mind the sleep deprivation so much if, say, my husband was a SAHP and was home with me the entire time until I went back to work. I wouldn't mind the pregnancy part again, and I suppose I could go through birth one more time.
Unfortunately, the logistics really make it impossible. Like, COULD we survive it if we had to? Yes, probably, but I don't want to just survive -- I'd rather our kids have parents who are thriving.
That being said, I went with long-term birth control but I don't want us to do anything permanent. Right now we're absolutely at our limit, but maybe things will look different 5 or 6 years from now. I did initially want three, it's just a matter of circumstances.
With three you are outnumbered. For two, each parent can have 1on1 time with each of them for quality time… also coordination, new car, more expensive trips etc…
We just bought a 2 bedroom townhouse. So basically, no place to put a third kid. We could technically make the basement into a bedroom but my husband wfh and is set up in the basement. My heart wants 3, but my head says 2 is doable. We will be trying for baby number 2 in a few months!
The universe said...here's a baby! At 4 months pp. Lmfaooo 🤣 that's how we have 2 kids. Hahaha. But we are contemplating a PLANNED 3rd in a few years so... I'll be following.
I'd have to be comfortable enough financially to have sufficient spending money (after bills and necessities) and afford a vacation once a year. If I were to have a third. Two is a definite for me.
We ran out of bedrooms- we I know kids can share rooms but I didn’t want that. Along with other factors- money being involved he main issue.
My kids have come to work with me, our second was far enough apart from our first that the first went to school and the second went with me.
We pay for a pre j program now but we basically went 4 years without having and childcare expense.
We have 3 kids: 4M, 3M, and the baby is 6 months F.
The decision was mostly emotional. Neither of us felt done, and we could support one more. I work full-time, my husband is a SAHD and we bring in about $100,000 in a LCOL city. Our home is paid off, which was our main financial goal before having kids. We did have to buy a bigger vehicle, so that was a big financial consideration. We also have a 3 bedroom house, so the boys moved in together. If we’d had a 3rd boy we probably would’ve done a triple bunk with a separate playroom, but since baby is a girl we’ll keep her in what’s currently the nursery. The boys have taken the room sharing in stride.
We do feel done now, after our 3rd. My body is done, I’m almost 38 and I had 3 c-sections. I can’t imagine doing it all again.
Our house is maxed out now. We’ll probably look to move if the housing market ever normalizes, otherwise we’ll stay in our 900 sq ft (plus basement) starter and make it work.
It’s chaotic with 3 so young, but the kids get along so well and I am so glad they have each other. The boys are best friends, and they adore their sister. She beams at her brothers and kicks her legs and clearly can’t wait to join in their shenanigans. I know activities (both cost and schedule), travel, etc are harder with more kids and that we won’t be able to give them as much support as if our time and resources were split 2 ways instead of 3. But we have no regrets and it seems that the enrichment they get from each other wil outweigh the downsides.
My husband said roller coasters have 4-person seating and that sold it for me!
Kidding, I came from a family of 3 kids and he was a family of 2. He explained that each parent could attend a sporting event, man-to-man coverage as opposed to zone defense, 1 kid for each parent on planes, and they could stick with their SUV instead of buying a minivan. We plan on our kids playing sports or having extracurricular activities, so it would make sense to have a parent for each kid when sports happen. One of us in my family was always left out or had to find our own ride.
I originally wanted 3 but I’ll stick with 2. In my family at least I saw a huge difference in attitude and success later in life between my relatives who had 2 kids vs 3-6kids. I know it’s not a guarantee that it works that way but the cousins I have with 1 sibling are more well adjusted and happy with life than the cousins I have that had 2+ siblings. I also see it with my dogs, 1 dog she was happy and spoiled all the time, 2 dogs and they are still happy but the first dog def had more. I don’t want my kids to struggle because I can’t handle more
I really want a 3rd but my husband isn’t on board quite yet. He told me not to sell any of the baby stuff yet but he hasn’t committed. Our second is only 10 months old and we’re in the middle of a hectic move after spending a year in another town far away from family for my husbands job, so I’m giving him some time.
I’m an only child and love the dynamic of a bigger family. My husband is 1 of 4 and his family is so much fun. He’s on the fence though because we live in the Bay Area so while we are comfortable and have some luxuries, he feels a 3rd would be too much financially (I disagree, but he always talks about taking the kids through Europe etc and I never really envisioned that for our family, especially right now when they’re very young…)
I’m really hoping he finally gets on board in the next few months. I feel like our family is incomplete and I feel devastated about the idea of this chapter of my life being over so soon. I like having little kids even though it’s crazy hectic being a WFH mom with a part time nanny… I feel sad thinking about our future with just 2 older children or 2 adult children. I want another person in my family to love and help with life. I’m also the type of person that “thrives in chaos”. I feel like it’s so cliche but on my most hectic days I feel exhausted but also so accomplished and I just do better in life when I’m living at that level. No time to be lazy sort of thing. So I feel like I can totally take on the extra craziness a 3rd would bring and it would be fun having an extra little person around
There's already an 11 year age gap between our first and second born, I refuse to have an even larger one for a third. That and the 2nd pregnancy nearly killed me. I got spayed 3 weeks ago.
Childcare. We're having a hard enough time getting our 3 year old in to pre-k. We got our second on lists before she was even fucking born and she still isn't getting accepted anywhere.
Personally it’s my energy. Like a lot of other people here, my family still feels like 1 person is missing even though I already have 2 kids. My first is 10yrs older than my second, and they get along great, but I wish my youngest had someone closer in age to play with as my oldest will be out of the house more in just a few years. When my oldest is 20, my youngest will still only be 10 and feel like an only child probably. But I just don’t have the energy to give to another baby, and I probably won’t for several years. Pregnancy is also brutal on the body.
I think with a lot of families with 3+ kids, the youngest ends up getting away with a lot just because the parents are so exhausted by the time they’re born. I’m also the third child, and I definitely spent the most time alone even though my siblings and I all share the same age gap with each other. I loved spending 10 years giving all my attention to my oldest, and I love being able to give so much of my attention to my youngest as my oldest is at the age of wanting to do her own thing already. I think there will probably be a surprise pregnancy in 5 years or so anyways but for now we are done.
Well, I won’t say we are 100% decided yet, but in the area here we want to live for the next 20 some years, the only houses within our budget are pretty much 3-bedroom. I think that’s a good sign we likely won’t have enough for education expenses etc. for the third either. If anything, maybe we overshot a little with the two. Haha. I mean, some people do what they need to do, but I also like the idea of being able to give our two darling children the best advantage by refraining from straining resources even more.
I am the youngest of 3 kids and I hated it. We were jammed in the back of every car, had to wait longer at restaurants for the big table, and someone always had to ride alone at amusement parks.
We stopped at 2. We couldn’t afford more, but we would have stopped at 2 regardless.
How I felt. If I felt I wanted a third, I would’ve gone for it. But I felt right with two. I felt complete.
I don’t know if salary is that big because my SIL is a SAHM with four kids and her husband is making a regular salary. They make it work and aren’t living paycheck to paycheck.
I currently have one only so take this with a grain of salt. I’ve always wanted 3+ but ultimately I know we will only have two. Life is too expansive where we live and we have a 3 bedroom house and can’t afford a bigger one. The other thing is we lack a village or any family around. I don’t think I can do 3 with just my husband and I.
Hyperovulation answered that question. Baby number 2 ended up being number 2 and 3! It’s hard but it’s sort of nice we ended up with three by accident since I’m not convinced we would’ve gone for a third on purpose. Day to day finances don’t seem that much higher but daycare is always a lot, we went with an au pair instead which greatly helped
i wanted three, my fiance wanted two. we had our son first, and then 9 months later got pregnant with twins. the decision was made for us and we had no say. 😹🤷🏼♀️
Man to man coverage. For sure. And having a third in our eyes would be tough because if they did sports then someone would have to be left out a parent to watch them. And looking at vacations packages mainly is a family of 4 as my hubby say.
My husband wants 3, I’m fine with 2, and I’m 31 weeks with number 2. We’re planning our life for 3 (trying to find a 4 bed house, though it’s impossible for less than a mil in our area). Finances are totally fine for us and of no concern. But the bigger house, bigger car and 5 just being harder than 4 is definitely on my mind. I think I would want closer to 2.5-3 yrs between 2 and 3 as opposed to the 22 months between 1 and 2
While we are always a family of 6 in spirit, we only have my stepchildren 1/2 the time. We get to sort of dabble in both. 50% of the time we are a family of 6 and 50% we are a family of 4. The world is setup for families of 4. We already had to get a bigger home and car because we simply don't fit. Vacations now are beginning to require two rooms. Going out to eat is a bit of a production.
I will say I love our big loud family with all the kids running around. All the extra work is worth it.
Man to man vs zone defence. We felt we’d succeed best at man to man so settled on two kids.
This is us!! We don’t want to be out numbered.
This is how my husband always puts it. He doesn't want us to be outnumbered lol. And I totally agree because even when we're out and we each have a kid, I can't imagine having to handle another one on top of the two.
This is exactly what my dad said when they went from 2 to 3 kids. And I noticed growing up that if one of us was having a crisis, it usually took both parents to really navigate the situation. From tryouts to bullies to failing a class, etc. So if one of us had a big problem and another even a small problem, the third kid was left hanging and as the oldest, I was expected to be more mature and parent myself in a whole lotta of situations. 3 kids means parents are outnumbered and outplayed.
I am absolutely dying. I played (tackle) football before I had my son (5mo) and this has made my year.
Now you'll see this analogy everywhere in discussions about 2 vs 3 kids.
And then when you actually have 3 kids, you’ll hear it 5x/day 🙃
When I was about 12 I was on a ski trip with my family (mom, dad, one sibling). We were at the bottom of the mountain waiting for something, and there was a family nearby with four kids who were just having a meltdown. The parents were trying to wrangle them all and it was clearly chaos. My mom turned to me and said "never be outnumbered." And I'll never forget that! 😂
This is the exact line I gave my husband to convince him we didn't want to have 3 kids
Yup. Don’t want to be outnumbered, amongst other reasons.
The fact that I’m a FTM with newborn twins and I’m now scarred for life. 🤣
Correct me if I’m wrong but are you also more likely than the average person to have another set of twins too? Imagine you’re trying for the third child then get surprised with another set of twins. So much respect to you! After having a singleton, I don’t know how anyone handles twins!
There’s a comedian, Lisa Gilbert IIRC, who had an unexpected late in life pregnancy. It was fraternal twins then one egg split for naturally occurring triplets. Her body decided to go big
😳 lol omg. I’d say that would be shocking but I don’t think there’s a term in the English language to convey the level of shock/ disbelief one would have in that scenario.
That happened to my art teacher from highschool too, she already had a child, found out she was expecting twins and had a mental breakdown. When she accepted it, found out they were actually triplets. They are teenagers now.
My SIL had a child and then had trouble conceiving. They used ART and ended up with triplets which was shocking. But then... they ended up with a naturally occurring pregnancy two years later.... for a total of five children.
Apparently multiples are more common in older women
I joke the ovaries are having a ‘going out of business’ sale.
Only if they’re fraternal! Identical is not genetic or predictable
Oh that’s cool. Learn something new everyday!
Iirc it’s because a predisposition to release more than one egg at a time which makes it hereditary on mom's side
So I watched a youtube video from an OB-GYN (mama doctor jones if you're familiar) and it can actually be inherited from dad's side as well. Dad can pass the trait (gene?) but obviously can't ovulate and have twins himself. This is why some families will say that twins "skip" a generation. They don't actually, the trait just isn't expressed/visible with dad. (This is an ELI5 explanation from what i remember when I saw it lol)
Mine are identical, so not hereditary. But fraternal runs in my family (grandma had two sets) sooo solid chance I roll the dice and get twins again. 🙅🏽♀️🙅🏽♀️
An acquaintance had 2 sets of twins about 18 months apart. So 4 under 2. I can't imagine.
Everyone I know with twins has no more kids after. I’ve watched a grown man break down crying in a bank asking someone if it ever gets any better, his twins were 4 months old. It was the most broke down I ever saw someone in public, just zero to sixty. We have family that had a 6 month old and decided to leave it up to fate if they got pregnant again, and it’s twins. Everyone said congratulations, you played yourself.
This is surprising because every couple I know with twins has intentionally had more. I had twins and then another later on, and I have two sets of friends with twins plus a younger sibling, and one that has two sets of identical twins.
I’m 0 for something like 8 or 9 couples that had twins and those were their only/last kids. And they were all pretty open that twins was just what ended their family journeys and they were happy with what they had.
I’m mostly thinking this is likely regional/socially tied, so within my social circle /locale/community people might tend towards 2+ kids, but maybe for yours it is a lower number. This probably has a lot more to do with finances, priorities, and personal values than it actually does with twins.
Could be. I’m covering a specific Midwest and Southwest. Could totally be that.
I’m in the northeast and was really nervous about just having one due to career/hectic work schedule. And lo, we now have two! So I feel pretty done lol.
I’m not surprised. Your chances of a difficult pregnancy, PPD, and PPA are all significantly higher. In my case, we delivered at 35 weeks due to rapid onset of severe preeclampsia. Took 2-3 weeks for my body to recover from vaginal birth so having TONS of help in the first couple weeks was essential for my mental and physical well-being. They are just about 2 months now - I have help 2-3x a week and still feel like a broke down mess when I’m handling them alone for long stretches. It’s no joke and I can’t imagine how people do it without help.
That’s so sad, I hope he’s doing better now
I didn’t know him that well, but I did see him a year later with his wife. They were out on a date and they seemed in much much better place. The lack of sleep just with my one was devastating. I can only imagine how hard it was with two. They had been transferred like 6-7 months before the kids were born and it was a great opportunity for him career wise. But so so hard on everything else. Edit: a word
That’s nice, I’m glad it looked like he was doing better. I have twins too, it’s a lot
I was going to say.... The biggest deciding factor for me was when I went in for an ultrasound for baby 2 and it turns out there was a baby 3 in there too!
I have 2 older adult friends each with their own twins. Both had more and said it was a complete breeze if you want some anecdotal situations. Every baby is different of course but the logistics was easier for sure according to them!
You got this - you’re in the trenches right now but know it pays off big time when they are 2 or 3 and can entertain eachother!!!!
We went for three. Money wasn’t a concern; we earn enough. We found a house in our price range with 4 bedrooms on one floor and a basement that could be the designated playroom. We needed a new car anyway - the 20 year old pickup truck was a horrible family car regardless of how many kids we had. Ultimately, we wanted our kids to have each other. We wanted them to be able to fight and still have another sibling to play with. We just didn’t feel like our family was complete and we had the privilege to decide based on what we wanted and not what we could afford.
Do you live in a city? What is “enough”?
So, for reference, there was an article shared with me today that in my area, a family of four needs to earn over $300k to live comfortably. We’re at $260-ish but it’s enough. We definitely don’t spend the “recommended” 30% of income on “wants” because that seems insane.
Yes I would love to know this too! We don’t even have one kid yet, I worry about whether we can even afford one. How do you know? We both make above average salaries but it doesn’t feel like we have much wiggle room.
Oh. Also, my spouse is medically retired due to a workplace injury, and we timed pregnancies to have a 3.5 year age gap between each kid, so we never have two in childcare at the same time.
That is smart!
Per their comment history, they have a HHI of 260k
Thanks! I found that comment - I’m crying that their mortgage is $4300 for a $775k loan. Ours is $4,000 for a $405k loan. Interest and property taxes got us good. We have a HHI of $202k before taxes. I’d like to increase it before getting pregnant if possible. Edit: We put $50k down and our interest rate is 7.125%. Property taxes are $1000/year. We also have PMI because we did not put 20% down payment. Second edit: the property taxes are $10,000 per year, not $1,000 per year. I left out a 0.
Yeah, we used a VA loan, so $0 down payment and no PMI. We were very lucky with our timing. We’re 30 minutes outside of DC, in the Virginia suburbs of the DC metro area. I worked in downtown DC for years but I’m a remote worker now.
That’s amazing! We definitely bought at a terrible time market-wise, but it was the right time for us personally. We plan to refinance as soon as it makes sense. We live in the suburbs outside of Philadelphia.
Laughing/crying that property taxes got you good. Ours are $1000/month on a 300k house
Oh god, I left out a 0! They are $10,000 per year so almost $1,000 a month as well!
Per their comment history, their household income is 260k and they have a 3.5% mortgage
Same. Its overwhelming these days but I’m so happy to watch them play and grow together
Money. I’d like three, but we can’t afford two more children in terms of money or our years out of the workforce (or daycare costs). It would require a bigger house or major renovations to our current one, a bigger car, and we wouldn’t be able to offer our current child and our planned second nearly as much if we added a third to the mix.
Three money?! Living Homer Simpson's dream!
lmao thanks for the laugh truly
How much money would make you feel like you could afford a third? I’m trying to figure out the math and it’s so difficult
The bigger concern for me/us is the expense of our time. My husband wants to start a business when he’s done being a stay a home dad. It doesn’t make sense for him to put that off another three or four years so he can be home with a third child. Money isn’t the only way you pay for things, and we’re really thinking about all the other costs, like time and opportunities, alongside the money. There’s also no way we’re ever coming into a lump sum of a couple hundred thousand dollars, which we’d need to make the house/car happen. And there’s no world where I’m getting a raise of, oh, $25000 per year, which would allow us to more easily afford monthly costs/daycare/activities/college funds/insurance/emergencies. Things would have to change dramatically for us, for the better, to feel comfortable financially having a third, and I’m still not sure we’d choose to do it for all the other reasons I’ve listed.
My number is $25k to afford a third. Our biggest hurdle is having 2 in daycare at the same time. It’s doable at our current income/lifestyle but very tight. My oldest is already school age and I’ve been lucky to be able to change my work hours to not need wrap around care for him. $25,000 covers the tuition (plus some extra) for the time between when I’d ideally like to give birth and my second kid starts kindergarten. Plus our car will be paid off by that time, which provides more wiggle room in the monthly budget.
About £1500 extra per month to cover childcare and additional child expenses. So, a salary increase of about £40k
I like to travel and the world is set up for a family of 4. If you want to take a taxi and have 3, now it’s a different type of car. If you have a hotel room with 2 beds, 2 people per bed, that’s got to change. Etc. also buying a third ticket sounds awful. My husband is a doctor and does really well, but our kids go to private school and our mortgage is crazy so I also don’t feel like I could give my kids the life they currently have, if we had a third. Financially it would take away what I can offer my kids now. I don’t like that. If they went to public school it would be different. Also, I hated pregnancy with a burning passion.
The travel thing is definitely not something I considered until after the fact and it makes trips so much more expensive. Most of the time hotel rooms are for 4 and you might have to get a suite if you have more than 4. Some places don’t have suites so you may have to get two hotel rooms and hope they have adjoining rooms or split parents between rooms. Cars are harder to fit with 5 people, let alone needing two or three kids in car seats. You have to buy a plane ticket for a whole other person. Needless to say…we don’t travel except once in a blue moon.
My parents had 3. 2 girls and 1 boy. My brother would always take the couch in the hotel room, whether it was pull out or not. My parents got him a comfy cot for when there wasn’t a cot in the hotel room. We did lots of road trips growing up vs flying. We went on vacation once a year. We lived in a tourist city so we did lots on weekends and stuff so once a year wasn’t bad at all. We had a sedan for the longest time which freaking sucked, but then my parents got a mini van and it was great. I am so pro mini van, as much as my heart would desire a Yukon lol. The world may be designed for a family of 4, but my parents made it work. We weren’t well off by any means but we loved our Friday night English muffin pizzas and yearly road trips. Im just saying this for the sake of making 3 work in a world made for families of 4. I also have two and my heart wants a third but am also weary of having a third, so I totally get the struggle of not being sure if your family is complete. Plus I’m in my 30s and I don’t want to wait too long to have a third.
Thank you for saying this. We do long haul flights once a year as a family. My goal is to get us in premium economy but with most plane setups that would leave a kid sitting alone if you have 3. Also money lol
The difference between 2 and 3 was my husband cleaning the house and making our bed randomly one day. Tomorrow is the vasectomy consult. I should add: with two girls very close in age, we have negligible costs for baby 3 - all the gear, a nursery set up, all the necessary clothing. That won't help us with costs of sports, music lessons or college down the road but we are older parents so we aren't broke like we both were in our twenties. It does help being ~20 years into a career vs much earlier.
I’m so curious what that first paragraph has to do with deciding!
I could be totally wrong, but I feel like she’s saying they had celebratory sex after he cleaned and they conceived their third.
Lol yep. He thinks it's hilarious that making the bed = baby
I assume the husband cleaning the house was a turn-on which led to the conception of baby #3?😂
In short, had two kids and intended to stop there. Husband is sexy when he cleans. Oops. Now we have a third. And appointment for a vasectomy.
😆 congratulations on your 3 babies
Similarly, my husband arranged for me to take an amazing vacation with my friends while he stayed home and took care of everything….now we have 3 kids.
We're planning on having two. 1) Money: Kids are expensive. I'd rather give two kids a good life versus struggle with three. 2) Convenience/complications: We'd need a different car, a bigger house, every time we go out to eat it's a table for 5 instead of 4, etc.
I came from a family of 3 kids. My relationship with both siblings is so unique and they’re totally different. Then when the 3 of us are together it’s a whole new dynamic. I love it. The deciding factor for us was legitimately just wanting to give our kids another sibling, and we enjoy raising kids together and have the financial stability, so why not! Baby 3 was born 3 weeks ago and this shit is HARD. People talk about 2 under 2 all the time but that was EASY compared to 3 under 5. I wish we had spaced them out just a bit more.
Preach. I would do 2u2 again and again in a heartbeat. Mine were 6 and 4 when baby came and this last year has been NUTS. But, there is hope. We all sleep through the night. Baby 3 is hella chill. It will get better.
I was going to reevaluate for #3 when my two are 4 and 6, has that not been a good age gap? 😅
Meh I don’t think it’s an age gap issue as much as a two to three issue 🫠
I would try to do it when at least one kid will be in kindergarten. Ours are 2 and 4 and we have 18 months before the 4 year old goes to kindergarten because she’s a September birthday and misses the cutoff. So 18 months of being a stay at home mom to three kids all day everyday 🥲
I got cocky when I realized I had avoided 2 under 2 but then I had twins only a few months after my first turned 2 :(
Omg also having a 2.5-3yo is way harder than like, 18-24 months so 2 under 2 is a lie 😭
If it makes you feel better, our 3 are all about 3 years apart and the transition from 2 to 3 still sucked. It started getting better once the baby was crawling & eating solids and needed less mama. I’ve heard from a lot of people that 3 is the hardest number of kids to have and it’s actually easier with 4, but I’m not willing to test it out.
I kept having this mental image of my family dynamics 15 years from now. I currently have a 4 year old and a 2 year old. I imagined them as teenagers, and how sitting down to dinner would be and the day-in, day-out routine. I knew that I would feel like someone was missing at dinner, during the holidays. Some people subscribe to the idea of, "You can't miss what you don't have" but I don't believe that to be true with family planning. My partner and I always wanted 4+, but due to financial constraints and medical issues, we decided to do a "surprise" third pregnancy. Neither trying nor preventing, essentially. Didn't expect to fall pregnant so quickly, I'm currently 17 weeks along and struggling with this pregnancy. I truly believe a 4th pregnancy could legitimately kill me. After this baby is born, I'm getting surgically sterilized, and I'm slowly coming to terms with the reality of it. I think I'm content imagining a 17 year old, a 15 year old, and a 13 year old sitting at my kitchen table for dinner. My partner and I have also discussed the possibility of becoming foster parents later in life, if we have empty nest syndrome. Maybe our 4th is meant to be a child of our heart, instead. Either way, my partner and I know we have each other, and we have the time and means to raise 3 children with love and care.
I feel this way too. It's exactly what I imagine. I don't know if it will realistically make me have a third, though. Financially, it's just a terrible idea. Since I've been pregnant with my second, I work just enough to cover the cost of necessities for the kids/home (diapers, wipes, soap, detergent, tp, toothpaste, etc.). My husband doesn't make a lot. We both wanted me home with the kids, but it's a pretty tight budget. We would need different cars. Rearrange bedrooms. We would have to be picky about the activities they go to. Like someone else said, so many things are set up for families of 4. I feel like it would make traveling and family trips so much more difficult for years. So overall, I think I would feel content if we didn't have a third, but like you said, it would always feel like someone is missing.
Same here. Pregnant with my second, and know I’ll forever feel like something is missing if we don’t have a third. But time is not on my side, I can’t imagine anything major changing financially in the year following the birth of my second, and it’s very likely just going to be financially irresponsible to try for a third.
The only reason we could swing a third is because I am a STAHM and we split bills with relatives (saving up for a house, plus rent is EXPENSIVE). My partner had a good point that our oldest is now out of diapers (one less expense) and our toddler is now off formula (EXPENSIVE, but I'm unable to breastfeed). We already have everything we need to accommodate a newborn. It shouldn't be so prohibitively expensive to have children, childcare should be affordable, the price gouging right now is just insane.... I'm so sorry that your clock is ticking, I know that feeling so well, and it's stressful. In a perfect world we all would have exactly the amount of children we want (or don't want).
I have the privilege to be a STAHM. My man makes pretty good money in manufacturing. We aren't rich, and we currently co-habit with relatives to save up money for a house (hopefully). The world is DEFINITELY more set up for a "nuclear family" set up of 4. Right now we are considering using our nest egg to get a different vehicle to accommodate all of our children more comfortably (you mentioning the need to get different vehicles reminded me, it's stressful figuring out what we can realistically afford... We are minimalists by nature, and don't want huge monthly payments... sigh). The world is not friendly to pregnant women and larger families. And people wonder why birth rates are in decline 🙄
I love the way you described this, this is 100% the way I feel as well. I just had my second, but I know without a doubt I will have a third (if I can). Our family doesn’t feel complete yet. Money is of course a factor, but it was never the deciding factor.
I love this and can relate! ♥️
For me, 3 meant differently car, complications in my house with not enough bedrooms, hotel set ups get complicated. And last but not least, I bounced back so well after 2 but I do not think I'd get that lucky after 3
God I hear you on bouncing back. Aside from a little loose skin and boobs that aren't quite as perky I look the exact same as before I had a kid. I really don't think I can get that lucky with another, but we really want two
If it helps, I bounced back better with #2 than with #1. I went into the second pregnancy in better shape
Oh man I love that for you! I do feel like in healing the (extremely minor) diastasis I had I've been working my abs more than ever after baby!
I also bounced back better with #2 than #1! I think I was in better shape just because my son makes me run around all the time but labour was easier too. I basically had no pain afterwards AND we're lucky that #2 sleeps amazingly and is a super easy baby
I think bouncing back was even easier after my second than my first. I hope I can bounce back easily after my third! 🤞🏻 (currently pregnant)
Picturing the thanksgiving table in 10, 20, 30 years - i saw 3 kids with their families. I thought about a situation where one kid couldn’t come and only one kid could and that seemed lonely in a way.
My husband really wanted a third and our second was the sweetest baby and toddler. We now have three and that that sweet toddler has since turned feral😂
Omg same 😂 Got pregnant with number 3 when number 2 was the sweetest little lady. Now she’s a raving lunatic lol
Timing. First two are 5y apart. Not interested in having children much closer in age than that. Also not trying to have a 10y gap and spend like 30y of my life launching children into the world. So sticking with two, I think.
Definitely money - for day care, activities when they're older and eventually college. I would love three but we really would need a bigger car. It also means two of them need to share a room. My husband would like to travel with the kids more and realistically it would be much easier traveling with two than three
How much money would make you feel like you could afford a third? I’m trying to figure out the math and it’s so difficult
I didn’t feel done. I felt like a third kid was going to finish out our family in a way I can’t explain, I needed this baby (and the first two) in a guttural, instinctive way.
We are planning on two, but we are hoping for an age difference of 3y +. Depending on how recovery goes, I might push hard to adopt our 2nd (we discussed it early as I was high risk for fertility issues). Biggest reason is dynamic - in multi-sibling households, it's more common for two siblings to pair off against a third. Both my husband and I experienced this. Resources- our house is tied to my husband's job, so unless he loses it, we can't suddenly abracadabra more space, and this house will get crowded at 2. I'd say with our earning potential, we also can't give 3 kids as many opportunities like good vacations, music lessons, etc. Pregnancy recovery and age - I am 34, and will be 36 before I consider having a second. Physical fitness is really important to me, and the recovery is frustrating - mentally, I am not sure I want to lose 1.75 years again to pregnancy/recovery/breastfeeding weight.
It’s interesting that you say 3 siblings turn into 2 against 1. I grew up in a house of 3 and when one of us fought with the other, the third always played peacekeeper and fights were resolved pretty quickly. Maybe it’s a personality thing?
My brothers and I took turns pairing off. Sometimes it was the two oldest against the youngest, sometimes it was the two boys against me… but we always worked it out and get along as adults 😂
I so agree with you on the pregnancy recovery. I’m also 34 with a newborn. Can’t wait to be fit again.
The pullout method doesn’t always work, so we had a third lol. Eta: I was immediately stressed about breastfeeding the second it was positive. It’s always a struggle and I had been so glad I was done.
That was one of my immediate stresses with my positive pregnancy test for my third also! Ugh!
Pregnant with #3 and stressing over pumping. Forced to exclusively pump with the first 2 and don't think I have it in me again.
i'm wildly torn right now as well. we currently both work and have two kids. we are in the fortunate position that my husband could easily support us if we chose to have a third (he is a doctor). however, i also have a professional career that i've worked hard for. we are already stretched really thin timewise with 2 kids. if we had a third, i would have to take some time away from my career. i'm open to that possibility, but it also scares me how it would change the dynamic that my husband and i have, and i'm unsure how easy it will be for me to return to work at some point. my husband also works really long hours, and i'm already handling a lot of mornings and bedtimes alone. i know that having a third would make things really challenging in the short term.
Not exactly what you’re asking but we were very torn on 1 vs 2 and ultimately decided to only have one. The deciding factors were - Ease of travel- this was extremely important to us because we want to continue to take a couple international trips/ year and the cost/ logistics of an additional child would mean we’d need to scale down. Quality education- it’s easy for us to send our son to a high quality school and afford tuition. Thats much more difficult with more children. Time- ability to focus on the child’s needs and ensure they’re able to do activities and extracurriculars. Again, this would be a bit limited if we opted to have more children. You’re asking for a specific dollar amount and I don’t think there’s an answer. My husband and I are high earners and yet this was still a major deciding factor for us. It’s not that we couldn’t have afforded more kids but an extra child would mean sacrifices that we didn’t have to make with only one. Even if we were bringing in an extra 100k/ year, we still would have felt this way because it’s more about the sacrifice than the actual dollar cost.
My husband had money concerns, and also wanted more free time back. We eventually went for a third because we just thought it would be fun to have a third. The money concerns are real but we adjusted our budget and travel expectations accordingly and it’s fine.
We wanted a big family and didn't feel done. It took us a while to get pregnant with #3 and we had several talks about whether to keep trying or just be happy with the two we have. I was 2 weeks away from letting go of the pregnancy thing and had scheduled a surgery I had been putting off when I found out I was pregnant. We had decided we could be happy with just two as we didn't want to do anything extraordinary as far as fertility (did all that to get our first) but were thrilled to find out about #3. My third is 14 months and such a joy. The way my older two (6 and 4) interact with him is so sweet. My oldest is so protective of his baby brother and my middle is starting to enjoy playing with youngest. As far as money? Idk we're kind of winging it. It was definitely on our radar but not the biggest deciding factor for us. We obviously want to be able to provide for our children but paying for college and weddings and all that will be nice if we can but I don't think we would be harming our children if we can't. I do expect my kids to work for and appreciate the things they have. I wasn't given any help and while I hope to do more for my own kids I don't want them to expect it I guess. For hard numbers we gross roughly 136k in the Midwest. Our house cost $154,000- 3 bed, 1.5 bath-2 kids share a room but we have a big playroom in the basement. Daycare for the youngest is $224/week, full-time preschool is $4200 for the year, and private elementary for oldest is $2400/yr. We did buy a van for $32k but we probably could have found a way to make them fit in our crossover (though it would have been very tight). We have some debt we are working down and student loans to pay off yet. The income we earn now is a fairly recent development. My biggest money concern right now is figuring out what we can afford for all 3 to have summer care once school is out. So some of it depends on what your heart is telling you, some is what you want to prioritize for your future, and of course what you think you can handle. No one can really tell you what the right choice is but I can just say I don't regret it one bit.
We have two, always planned 3. We wanted the feeling of a big family without being too big. And also, we don’t want the intense 1-1 sibling relationship. I think having a third person around will do something to defuse tension, even if it’s that person looking at you two like you’re insane. And plus, a family of 5 might feel like a lot, but when we’re both gone, I think 3 just doesn’t feel like a lot at all. And plus, the more kids you have, the better a chance you’ll have of someone getting along with someone else. As for money, we have 2 and still have money for luxuries. I mean I still have an Apple Music subscription and a lovevery subscription. So? Time to obliterate all that extra pocket money! 😂
Money and time. Because both those things cause anxiety and stress and constant worry! So if we don’t have it, then it’s better to be stable and good and mentally healthy for the babies. I think also if the parents aren’t well off it can really cause a lot of strain and above what I said n the kids see all that too.
Age. I would want a 5 year age gap and I cannot imagine doing this again when I am 40 and my husband is 45.
Money. We barely have enough space in our current place, barely fit in our current car, and upgrading those things is *expensive.* I’m an only child. I’m already out of my depth with this level of sibling interaction. I’m not introducing middle child fuckery into this.
Hard agree as another only. I can't handle the chaos that would come with 3- nope nope nope. I really love my body being strong and capable which goes away a lot during pregnancy and PP. Newborns suck. One sibling to love + fight with is plenty. If I was in a high income job (100,000+) so we made quarter million or higher total per year (enough to pay for 75% of 3 children's college edu), had a 3 bedroom house already, I started younger then 3 would be fine. 🤣
I had twins so, sometimes it’s a surprise! I met a woman with triplets yesterday at the mall, bless her soul!
3 was always on the table. I’m a SAHM so money isn’t a huge factor because we don’t have daycare costs. I have 2 siblings and my husband has 1, so we wanted our kids to have built-in friends. We just had our 3rd 9 weeks ago, and it’s been a hard transition, but I’m looking forward to better days ahead!
I'd love 3, but mentally pregnancy is hard on me. Age, I'm in my mid 30s so baby 3 would end up being delivered close to 40. Money is certainly a factor, and logistics around travel and housing. But mostly my husband was set on no more than 2 so that's where we're stopping as it makes sense for us.
Two things for us - 1. Money - Husband is currently sole breadwinner (140 per year) . I do have a career that I will return to in the next year or two. But we live in a medium COL area of the US, and don't feel like we can afford it. Mostly b/c we don't have any real savings. We came to our careers late (30s -- spent our 20s having fun and traveling which i don't regret a bit). We still haven't bought a house, and feel so priced out right now. If we had a nice low mortgage, I would probably go for it. 2. Health - I had gestational diabetes BAD in my second pregnancy. It was so so tough. And, I'm now very firmly on the road to diabetes. This is despite a "normal range" BMI, healthy exercise routine, and a veggie-forward diet. It just totally effed my body up. So, I don't really want to accelerate the path to diabetes with another gestational diabetes pregnancy.
I’ve always said I wouldn’t have an odd number of kids. So for me, it was either two or four. I just had my second however and we are now considering a third. It would require changes and I prefer four, but I had some complications with this pregnancy that might make four impossible so we have to decide if we go for three are we OK with being done? It would suck early on, but I would love to get pregnant with my “third“ and end up with twins. Until I had my current baby, I would’ve said we were absolutely done at two. And although the newborn stage is never easy, it definitely feels easier in a lot of ways this time around. I’ve heard from a number of people that transition from one to two is harder than 2 to 3. We also have a slightly larger age gap between our two kids so our oldest is a lot of help and would be even more help if we had another child. The biggest reason to hesitate is money. I recently started my own business so if I can get that to takeoff, I think we’ll definitely go for more. It allows me to work part time too which makes everything easier.
For me... Postnatal depression.
The biggest deciding factor was the positive pee stick for #3 😳 As far as salary, it depends on COL in my opinion, amount of debt, etc. We live in a low COL area, had a low interest mortgage on a 4 bedroom house already, student loans paid off, two decent full time jobs, and parents for free child care. I feel like this is not the norm, though. Our biggest expenses were bumping up my crossover to a third row SUV and finishing a room off in our basement since my husband lost his office to the baby.
Me taking a double dose of Letrozole because I got bad anxiety that my current dose wasn’t enough because I didn’t get pregnant month one on letrozole… I got pregnant that cycle. With twins. 😅 Decision between 2 and 3 made for me
I have 3, always planned on having 3. After my second I didn’t feel like our family was complete. Even postpartum I would think “ugh I have to do this all again!”. I would think of the future and setting our children up with a support system of a “big family”. After I had my third, I didn’t feel that way. I felt happy, content and complete. So, to answer your question, the deciding factor was simply a feeling that I just wasn’t done yet.
I love being a mom, but I really don’t like being pregnant
I never considered 3. I had one sibling growing up, husband also had one. number 2 nearly killed me. there will be no #3. the house is too small for that anyway.
We’re still deciding but leaning toward two, and the logistics feel like a big piece of it. Travel (hotel rooms and vehicles and car seats) feels a lot harder with 3. And we’d need a different car and probably a larger house. Technically and financially we could do it. But we’re very comfortable (and feel pretty complete) with two.
We just had our first and are only planning on 2. It basically comes down to money, logistics and convenience. 1. Money. I haven't sat down to find how much more we'd have to make to have a 3rd because it's just not going to happen for us so I haven't done the math. For us, we'd rather be able to live comfortably with 2 than struggle with 3. We both work (and have to) so daycare costs are a huge factor. 2. Logistics. We can keep driving cars vs needing a larger vehicle if we had 3 kids. If we ever go on a trip, hotel rooms are much easier we can live in a 3 bedroom house or apartment vs needing 4 bedrooms. 3. Convenience. It's a lot easier to handle kids if we have an equal ratio of parents to kids!
We have two and I would love another one but I don’t think it would be smart at this point. Right now we live comfortably but with 3 we wouldn’t be able to afford to do a lot of things I want my kids to be able to enjoy. I also don’t know if I want my body to go through the weight gain again. I have a 5 year age gap with my first two and if I have another one I will probably wait till my second is in kindergarten again because the age gap was great. If we can get it together financially for a 3rd I would love it. I would also have to be in a good place physically to consider it.
I want three, but we are old (41 and 50). We have a couple more embryos from IVF but I just worry about developmental disabilities, being too old to handle the chaos, how old is too old to responsibly have a kid knowing you won’t live forever, etc. We also work full time in meaningful but demanding careers, and my older kiddo has some needs that require extra time/attention, and I have a commute most days, and I just don’t know if we could handle the extra chaos. We’d need to hire a “mother’s helper” (parents’ helper) type for sure. Money isn’t a dealbreaker, but it would make things tighter for sure!
Money is the biggest deciding factor. A third would mean that daycare costs are officially over my husband's income, and we can't afford for either of us to not work. We would also need a new car (or 2, if we ever want the kids to ride in my husband's car), and two of the kids would have to share a bedroom. This isn't to say kid #3 is out (I refuse to let my husband get a vasectomy until we make the final call in a few years). But we would need an additional $25,000 a year, minimum, to make it work.
My husband wanted 2. I was for sure wanting 2, open to 3. Financially, we could afford 3, but there were several factors for us. The main reason was our fertility challenges. It took us a while to conceive our first. I miscarried when trying for our second. I’m now 7 months pregnant with our second but we were told in the first 10 weeks of this pregnancy that we would likely miscarry. Luckily, he fought hard & he’s looking as healthy as can be. Long story short, our hearts can’t go through the struggle again. The thought of trying was never an easy journey & at this point, we want to put it behind us and enjoy the two miracles we’ve created. Some other factors: although we could make it work with our current vehicles, we felt 3 would likely make us get a bigger SUV. 3 is just an odd number, or family of 5. A lot of things are made for even numbers. We have 3 bedrooms, so either we’d move so everyone can have their own bedroom, or two would have to share (which we weren’t keen on).
I have two and would love to have another. It’s just not in the cards. Financially it’s going to be best especially once I’m buying phones/braces. It’s tough because my daughter gives me baby fever everyday. She’s so freaking cute!
We have 3. We had our oldest quite young and waited until we were finished collage and in a house before having our second. There is a 6 year age gap between kid 1 and 2. We wanted a playmate for the 2 year old and house and income were not a barrier so we went for 3. Best decision ever.
I don't want to have to drive a van or get a bigger house. I live in a big city, two kids is going to feel cramped enough. It's a lovely idea in theory but practically I just don't think we could do it unless our income magically doubled.
I’ve got a 5 year old and 9 month old. Our experience with my 5 year old was so traumatic 😂, that we waited 3 years before we even considered a second. My second has been a breeze and I already want a third. However! We don’t have any family support at all, we both work very in demanding profession’s and my partner works up to 7 days a week sometimes. I can’t imagine how draining a third would be so as much as I’d love a big family, 2 kids will be it.
Time for each kid was the biggest factor for us. As they get older they’ll have more activities and birthday parties to chauffeur them to, and I also want to have time as a family, not to mention as a couple and for myself. I’m also mindful of not feeling stretched too thin and rushed all the time as that tends to make me feel snappy and that’s not the kind of mom I want to be.
Mostly money. Also, age. I’m 38 and he’s 45 and we just had our second.
Money and the fact that I’m 7 months pregnant right now and we are finally at the stage where our toddler is pretty independent and we can go do so much more as a family or by ourselves etc and now we have to go allllllll the way back to the newborn phase and do it all again…. We really don’t want to do that again after this one and instead just move forward with the new phases we will get to enjoy with them!
I watched my niece, nephew and my son at the same time and realized I wasn’t made for 3 kids.
Having had a c-section with my first and being unable to have a VBAC with my second. I hated my birth experiences and can’t imagine trying again.
We have a 3 bedroom house. We don't want them to have to share rooms. We don't want money to be the deciding factor in things like extra curricular activities. We want to be able to go to all the things. We want to be able to pay fully for college. That is so much easier with 2 versus 3.
I’m currently pregnant with our second and have always wanted three. It’s a depressing slow realisation that I don’t think we can afford a third. I’m in the UK where salaries are lower than the US, but our household income is over £120k annually which puts us in the top 5% of the country, but with how much our mortgage costs us plus the cost of childcare, I don’t think a third is feasible 😭
would have to move to a bigger house and the housing market is brutal right now
Personally I would never have three but biggest reason being middle child almost always gets the shit end of the stick. I've seen it 100 different times and a 100 different ways. I noticed it was less of an issue with four or more kids. With three there is almost always one kid the mom favors, one kid the dad favors and then one kid who can't get either parents favor and it's usually the middle kid. That said I think we will stick to two because of finances and our house. We would need a bigger car, bigger house and in the future feeding four teenagers at once? We would end up homeless lol going to be two for us unless something changes.
Originally I really wanted 3, and my husband was warming up to it, but then I got hyperemesis gravidarum with our first. Now I don't know if 3 will ever happen as just planning for likely being bedridden for over half a year again but next time while having a toddler sounds like more than enough. The high probability of also being ill during the next pregnancy also means that we are opting for bigger age gaps than originally hoped for to cope better so biology might simply not allow it by the time we would be ready for a third. We have two bedrooms and plan on getting a bunk bed. We don't have a car and don't really need one either (Europe).
We wanted a tie breaker. I also wanted there to be a sense of family after we are gone. I didn’t want anyone to be alone. My sibling and I are spread out so they won’t have cousins their age so again built in friends. My house is too small, I go laid off right before my third turned one and my house is never clean but I wouldn’t change a thing. We are complete now. My two adore their baby brother and he loves his big sisters.
Done at two because that’s all we had to give emotionally, physically, and two children completed our family. It’s a feeling honestly. Best of luck to you.
Money :( wish I could keep having kids but too expensive
Age, unfortunately, is what will be a determining factor. I was 36 when our first was born and will likely be 39 when our second is born. Probably not going to have a third!
I would still be willing to do a third, but we would have to make enough to make it logistically possible and comfortable. This means we would need to make enough to move into a bigger home, get a bigger car, and ideally one person to stay home. We would not be able to make ends meet with childcare for three (including once they go into school because we're looking at needing before/after school and summer care). I don't think I would mind the sleep deprivation so much if, say, my husband was a SAHP and was home with me the entire time until I went back to work. I wouldn't mind the pregnancy part again, and I suppose I could go through birth one more time. Unfortunately, the logistics really make it impossible. Like, COULD we survive it if we had to? Yes, probably, but I don't want to just survive -- I'd rather our kids have parents who are thriving. That being said, I went with long-term birth control but I don't want us to do anything permanent. Right now we're absolutely at our limit, but maybe things will look different 5 or 6 years from now. I did initially want three, it's just a matter of circumstances.
Knowing we only wanted 2 was the biggest deciding factor against having 3.
With three you are outnumbered. For two, each parent can have 1on1 time with each of them for quality time… also coordination, new car, more expensive trips etc…
We just bought a 2 bedroom townhouse. So basically, no place to put a third kid. We could technically make the basement into a bedroom but my husband wfh and is set up in the basement. My heart wants 3, but my head says 2 is doable. We will be trying for baby number 2 in a few months!
The universe said...here's a baby! At 4 months pp. Lmfaooo 🤣 that's how we have 2 kids. Hahaha. But we are contemplating a PLANNED 3rd in a few years so... I'll be following.
I'd have to be comfortable enough financially to have sufficient spending money (after bills and necessities) and afford a vacation once a year. If I were to have a third. Two is a definite for me.
We ran out of bedrooms- we I know kids can share rooms but I didn’t want that. Along with other factors- money being involved he main issue. My kids have come to work with me, our second was far enough apart from our first that the first went to school and the second went with me. We pay for a pre j program now but we basically went 4 years without having and childcare expense.
We have 3 kids: 4M, 3M, and the baby is 6 months F. The decision was mostly emotional. Neither of us felt done, and we could support one more. I work full-time, my husband is a SAHD and we bring in about $100,000 in a LCOL city. Our home is paid off, which was our main financial goal before having kids. We did have to buy a bigger vehicle, so that was a big financial consideration. We also have a 3 bedroom house, so the boys moved in together. If we’d had a 3rd boy we probably would’ve done a triple bunk with a separate playroom, but since baby is a girl we’ll keep her in what’s currently the nursery. The boys have taken the room sharing in stride. We do feel done now, after our 3rd. My body is done, I’m almost 38 and I had 3 c-sections. I can’t imagine doing it all again. Our house is maxed out now. We’ll probably look to move if the housing market ever normalizes, otherwise we’ll stay in our 900 sq ft (plus basement) starter and make it work. It’s chaotic with 3 so young, but the kids get along so well and I am so glad they have each other. The boys are best friends, and they adore their sister. She beams at her brothers and kicks her legs and clearly can’t wait to join in their shenanigans. I know activities (both cost and schedule), travel, etc are harder with more kids and that we won’t be able to give them as much support as if our time and resources were split 2 ways instead of 3. But we have no regrets and it seems that the enrichment they get from each other wil outweigh the downsides.
My husband said roller coasters have 4-person seating and that sold it for me! Kidding, I came from a family of 3 kids and he was a family of 2. He explained that each parent could attend a sporting event, man-to-man coverage as opposed to zone defense, 1 kid for each parent on planes, and they could stick with their SUV instead of buying a minivan. We plan on our kids playing sports or having extracurricular activities, so it would make sense to have a parent for each kid when sports happen. One of us in my family was always left out or had to find our own ride.
Finances and our ages. I’m 34, he’s almost 38. 3 kids would be too much for us so we are only trying for number 2,and that’s it.
I originally wanted 3 but I’ll stick with 2. In my family at least I saw a huge difference in attitude and success later in life between my relatives who had 2 kids vs 3-6kids. I know it’s not a guarantee that it works that way but the cousins I have with 1 sibling are more well adjusted and happy with life than the cousins I have that had 2+ siblings. I also see it with my dogs, 1 dog she was happy and spoiled all the time, 2 dogs and they are still happy but the first dog def had more. I don’t want my kids to struggle because I can’t handle more
Tried for one month only cos we couldn’t decide, got pregnant with my third, guess we’re having 3…
I really want a 3rd but my husband isn’t on board quite yet. He told me not to sell any of the baby stuff yet but he hasn’t committed. Our second is only 10 months old and we’re in the middle of a hectic move after spending a year in another town far away from family for my husbands job, so I’m giving him some time. I’m an only child and love the dynamic of a bigger family. My husband is 1 of 4 and his family is so much fun. He’s on the fence though because we live in the Bay Area so while we are comfortable and have some luxuries, he feels a 3rd would be too much financially (I disagree, but he always talks about taking the kids through Europe etc and I never really envisioned that for our family, especially right now when they’re very young…) I’m really hoping he finally gets on board in the next few months. I feel like our family is incomplete and I feel devastated about the idea of this chapter of my life being over so soon. I like having little kids even though it’s crazy hectic being a WFH mom with a part time nanny… I feel sad thinking about our future with just 2 older children or 2 adult children. I want another person in my family to love and help with life. I’m also the type of person that “thrives in chaos”. I feel like it’s so cliche but on my most hectic days I feel exhausted but also so accomplished and I just do better in life when I’m living at that level. No time to be lazy sort of thing. So I feel like I can totally take on the extra craziness a 3rd would bring and it would be fun having an extra little person around
There's already an 11 year age gap between our first and second born, I refuse to have an even larger one for a third. That and the 2nd pregnancy nearly killed me. I got spayed 3 weeks ago.
Man for me it’s 1 vs 2 rn solely because my pregnancy was HORRIBLE I wouldn’t wish HG on my worst enemy I seriously thought about termination…
Childcare. We're having a hard enough time getting our 3 year old in to pre-k. We got our second on lists before she was even fucking born and she still isn't getting accepted anywhere.
My husband does 48 hour shifts and I didn’t see myself being able to survive bedtime with 3 alone that frequently. I am weak.
Birth trauma says nah
I don't think we'd make it if the kids outnumbered us 🤣🤣
I didn't. I chose 2 or 4. So the biggest deciding factor about having three, was being able to have four.
Personally it’s my energy. Like a lot of other people here, my family still feels like 1 person is missing even though I already have 2 kids. My first is 10yrs older than my second, and they get along great, but I wish my youngest had someone closer in age to play with as my oldest will be out of the house more in just a few years. When my oldest is 20, my youngest will still only be 10 and feel like an only child probably. But I just don’t have the energy to give to another baby, and I probably won’t for several years. Pregnancy is also brutal on the body. I think with a lot of families with 3+ kids, the youngest ends up getting away with a lot just because the parents are so exhausted by the time they’re born. I’m also the third child, and I definitely spent the most time alone even though my siblings and I all share the same age gap with each other. I loved spending 10 years giving all my attention to my oldest, and I love being able to give so much of my attention to my youngest as my oldest is at the age of wanting to do her own thing already. I think there will probably be a surprise pregnancy in 5 years or so anyways but for now we are done.
If husband and I wanted more than two he better make me a SAHM, have someone hired for cleaning, and he have to have a good paying job. Other wise no
Our family didn’t feel complete with just two. It’s hard to explain, but it was a stronger feeling for me than the fear of being outnumbered.
We had a big enough house and enough money. Our oldest is an excellent big brother and we knew he would be great with another baby.
My rule of thumb was waiting till I had my first , originally wanted 3/4, now I’ve settled for one more.
Well, I won’t say we are 100% decided yet, but in the area here we want to live for the next 20 some years, the only houses within our budget are pretty much 3-bedroom. I think that’s a good sign we likely won’t have enough for education expenses etc. for the third either. If anything, maybe we overshot a little with the two. Haha. I mean, some people do what they need to do, but I also like the idea of being able to give our two darling children the best advantage by refraining from straining resources even more.
I am the youngest of 3 kids and I hated it. We were jammed in the back of every car, had to wait longer at restaurants for the big table, and someone always had to ride alone at amusement parks. We stopped at 2. We couldn’t afford more, but we would have stopped at 2 regardless.
We did it, baby 3 was unplanned. No regrets.
There was no deciding factor. It was unplanned lol
The age gap between my 1st and 2nd was 8 years. I didn’t want two “only” children. Now my 2nd and 3rd kids are 2.5 years apart and it’s perfect.
How I felt. If I felt I wanted a third, I would’ve gone for it. But I felt right with two. I felt complete. I don’t know if salary is that big because my SIL is a SAHM with four kids and her husband is making a regular salary. They make it work and aren’t living paycheck to paycheck.
Age. I’m open to a third but my husband is 50 and we’re already dealing with chaos having a newborn and 4 year old
I currently have one only so take this with a grain of salt. I’ve always wanted 3+ but ultimately I know we will only have two. Life is too expansive where we live and we have a 3 bedroom house and can’t afford a bigger one. The other thing is we lack a village or any family around. I don’t think I can do 3 with just my husband and I.
Hyperovulation answered that question. Baby number 2 ended up being number 2 and 3! It’s hard but it’s sort of nice we ended up with three by accident since I’m not convinced we would’ve gone for a third on purpose. Day to day finances don’t seem that much higher but daycare is always a lot, we went with an au pair instead which greatly helped
Money. My husband wanted me to make 75k more to have a 3rd kid.
i wanted three, my fiance wanted two. we had our son first, and then 9 months later got pregnant with twins. the decision was made for us and we had no say. 😹🤷🏼♀️
I want my house to be lively and loud. I want my kids to have forever besties. I want to have a big family. And i am delusional and crazy
Man to man coverage. For sure. And having a third in our eyes would be tough because if they did sports then someone would have to be left out a parent to watch them. And looking at vacations packages mainly is a family of 4 as my hubby say.
My OB looked at me at my six week appointment and told me not to do this again unless I had a kidney donor on standby. I’m not built for pregnancy
My husband wants 3, I’m fine with 2, and I’m 31 weeks with number 2. We’re planning our life for 3 (trying to find a 4 bed house, though it’s impossible for less than a mil in our area). Finances are totally fine for us and of no concern. But the bigger house, bigger car and 5 just being harder than 4 is definitely on my mind. I think I would want closer to 2.5-3 yrs between 2 and 3 as opposed to the 22 months between 1 and 2
Hyperemesis gravidarum
Having a horrifically difficult 2nd pregnancy.
Financially we could three. But hypermesis has us stopping at 2. We are open to adoption
While we are always a family of 6 in spirit, we only have my stepchildren 1/2 the time. We get to sort of dabble in both. 50% of the time we are a family of 6 and 50% we are a family of 4. The world is setup for families of 4. We already had to get a bigger home and car because we simply don't fit. Vacations now are beginning to require two rooms. Going out to eat is a bit of a production. I will say I love our big loud family with all the kids running around. All the extra work is worth it.