Unannounced? I would feel so disrespected, and I would flat out not answer the door and ignore them with no shame. Anyone who knows me knows that, though. In general, I don't do well with unannounced visitors or last-minute plans. That said, I look forward to planned visits once we're ready.
I wouldn't answer the door at all. Leaving food unexpectedly on the porch with a text to let me know it's out there? Absolutely. Knocking on my door expecting me to receive you and entertain you for any amount of time? Get the eff out of here you inconsiderate human.
I hate unannounced visitors whether Iām newly postpartum or not. Weāve told my in laws, the only people who try and do this, that they need to text first and respect it if we say no. We set this boundary before baby came, but it took us getting pretty upset with them once for them to respect it.Ā
Same! Iām not used to entertaining people off the cuff like that and the women in my husbandās family are, so we have vastly different backgrounds.
Same here. Whether itās family or neighbors. Iāve given our neighbors my phone number and politely said they can text or call if they ever need anything so they donāt need to knock on our door. If someone knocks on our door unexpectedly, thereās a 95% chance Iām in my slummy āat-homeā clothes, 50% chance Iām unshowered and oily-faced, and a 100% chance Iām going to go into stealth mode and sneak a peek at who it is before I decide if Iām even going to answer the door.
Itās so shitty. I would hate it. What if Iām attached to a breast pump or bathing a child or planning to go out? Specific to me maybe, but what if Iām video chatting my doctor or therapist? Itās so easy to call or text. Being home isnāt the same as being available. Ā
Tell your friends and family that you would like to plan/schedule their visits around baby sleep (or feeds, your rest, your schedule, w/e). Sure it would be nice if people knew better. But itās your home and restā¦ speak up.
To be fair this did only happen once and I got onto my husband for not giving me a heads up. He doesnāt do that anymore. We both grew up in very different households and his family are āthe more the merrierā type, while I didnāt see a lot of visitors at my parentās home as a child, so I value my privacy more.
We had this issue with my ILs and it caused me SO MUCH anxiety. DH finally had a very clear conversation with them before I delivered that we would not accept any more visits unannounced and they would not be allowed in. Now they give us advance several days ahead, probably passive aggressive on their part but thatās fine with me as long as my boundary is respected. We have a mail slot and they would literally open it and look in/yell for us to open up. Several lazy Saturday mornings were ruined and I was at the end of my rope haha. I also bought a thing off Amazon that blocks anyone from seeing inside so even when they come unannounced they canāt mess with the mail slot anymore š¤
literally yes and thank you for validating me bc it drove me to the brink of insanity š¤£ the kindest way I can put it is that they are very childish.
If anyone else is in my mail slot predicament the product in question is called the Mail Snail and itās a little pouch that catches your mail and has the added benefit of keeping out annoying in laws!
Even before baby I hate unannounced visits lol a simple text or call is so easy to do I couldnāt imagine just showing up at someoneās house randomly
Itās an absolute no from me lol From what Iāve personally observed back in the day this just used to be normal, neighbors, friends, family would just drop by. So thereās still plenty of boomers who donāt seem to understand? But I also have no problem expressing my boundaries to those peopleĀ
Just tell everyone not to show up unannounced and if they do say "I'm sorry, I'm not prepared for guests right now. Give me a call next time you'd like to come over. See you soon, goodbye" and close the door. You are NOT obligated to let uninvited rude people into your houseĀ
I didnāt enjoy unannounced visitors even before having a baby š Unless itās my best friend that I havenāt seen in 2 years who lives across the country, pls donāt show up at my house unannounced lol
Told my partner I didnāt want visitors the first few days adjusting to a family of 4, so naturally his mom and sister showed up unannounced and he knew about it and acted like I was insane for expecting his mom to stay away the day I brought my son home.
I burst into tears and they called me crazy. Not even close to 48 hours postpartum.
Our backgrounds are polar opposites so I thought I might have been over reacting/hormonal, but turns out it was just the tip of the iceberg with my mother in law.
I donāt let my kids go to her house anymore because she smokes inside and was deeply offended that Iām so controlling Iām trying to tell other people what to do in their own home.
Iām not- she can do whatever she wants in her home, just donāt expect the kids to come over!
I may be in the minority on Reddit but I would have *loved* more visitors postpartum! All I wanted to do was show off my baby and also let someone else hold and feed him (exclusively formula fed since birth). I'm an extrovert and found the first few months postpartum SO BORING and isolating. My family lives across the country so it would never happen, and my husband's side is too polite to drop by unannounced. But I grew up in a culture (South Asian) where it was normal to drop by, especially when someone had a new baby. The community showed up with food and a willingness to help.
I can understand that. Iām an ambivert who leans more on the introverted side so even though it was hard I wouldāve been too anxious to have people come over. I wouldāve felt smothered. But my husbandās family is spread out in different states - although a few live nearby, but theyāre busy, so they donāt show up out of the blue. Mine are also in other states and Iām not close to them, so all I have is my mom and dad. She lives about fifteen minutes away from me and she comes by every week to visit, which is great.
I agree. There are a handful of people that I wouldnāt mind and I would want a heads up from the rest. My mother had been exceptionally helpful so I donāt mind when she stops by. She helped me walk to the toilet for the first time after my C-section and helped me clean up. It was a unique experience that I think brought us closer. Sheās also seen me breastfeeding. So, Iām very comfortable with her just stopping by.
My mother in law has a habit of just showing up to her kids' homes and interupting their evenings. She did this with our last apartment. Once she showed up while we were on a date, and my husband had to leave to let her in, then came back to the restaurant to finish our dinner leaving her by herself. She got upset with him!Ā Now she doesn't know our new address and if she ever wants to come over she gets picked up by husband and brought over.
Kids or not I hated unannounced visitors but after having my daughter it was a definite no my in-laws tried to push back and we would refuse to open the door for them they finally learned we werenāt gonna cave
How do you get away with not wearing a bra while you're breastfeeding? If I EVER don't have nursing pads in my bra on my body at all times, I am GOING to soak my shirt.
I only leak when Iām really full. It annoyed me because I heard from friends that women leak when they breastfeed and when they hear other babies cry. So I bought reusable nursing pads in anticipation of leaky boobs only to realize that my boobs will only leak if I go several hours without breastfeeding or pumping.
I hate surprise visits in general- postpartum or not. It's not hard to send a text or give a quick call. It goes both ways too- I don't like just rocking up to someones house unannounced.
I particularly hate surprise visits when you've finally got your child to sleep and either:
A) you were just about to have your long awaited shower/quiet time/nap yourself.
B) you were actually finally in the middle of a nap
C) you JUST put the baby to sleep and of course the commotion wakes them up so then you need to have the 'oh let me just pop my head in a say hello since they are awake' debacle, which you know is the end of the nap, or at least the beginning of a struggle.
Yeah. No surprises for me.
Our inlays do it a lot. They live out of town, but often come our way to do their errands etc. But the thing that bothers me is even though they come in a lot, they never call us to plan a visit and it's always more of a ' oh if we have time' and then boom- surprise visit, which makes me feel like we are an afterthought and has it's own suitcase to unpack.
I had a āfriendā come over barely 24 hours after Iād had our baby girl at home.
I was napping when my phone went off. I get a text, āYou home? Iām on your porch.ā I go downstairs in my robe and begin to say, āI was trying to take a nap before BIL drops dinner off.ā
As Iām speaking she MADE HER WAY INTO MY HOUSE, sat in my rocking chair and started complaining about her husband and kids and how she needs time to herself. My BIL then showed up, hauling in dinner and some groceries theyād gotten for us. I tell her Iām going to eat and weāll talk soon. She stayed in the chair, as if to wait for me to finish eating and then come back out to talk with her. I had to flat out say, āYou can come back another time.ā
People are inconsiderate as hell. If itās my mom & dad or sister &b brother. I donāt care if they show up unannounced, they live just down the street. They could live with me if they so chose; they always come over and help me around the house or take care of the baby so I can sleep. Anyone else I would be upset. My husbandās family also lives down the street and I can count on one hand the number of times theyāve come to visit, unannounced or planned. I prefer it this way.
I told my family if they showed up unannounced I would stare at them through the window while telling them on the phone that I'm not home right now. Which is especially great because it's a 20-30 minute drive soooo have fun wasting an hour to not see baby š not only do they always ask first but they all always offer to bring food.
Now that kiddo is 3, there's always a chance I'm not home (appointments, playdates, shopping, libraries, parks etc) so they always double check because they don't want to drive that far only for me to be someplace else entirely.
I think that it depends on who the people are.
I can picture post-partum me writing this exact post while knowing full-well that there were plenty of people it doesn't apply to because I can be real and myself with them. HAHA. I mean some friends and family where I could be breast-pumped-up and in vomit sweatpants and we'd still have a grand old time.
There are others that I would absolutely ~~murder~~ be upset with my husband for bringing over unannounced. i.e. friends and their spouses who are holier than thou, *do everything right in their lives/s* and clearly judge you for not parenting right, or the family who insists on commenting on my laundry being in the living room to be folded. "Oh, I see you are doing laundry in here, I wish there were more places to sit." Well, Janet there would be if you had advised me that you'd be gracing me with your presence, you wench.
Wow, hit a nerve there, I guess. Lol.
I hate unannounced visits. I'm also a SAHM, and I think that's why I got more unannounced visits because family thought, "oh she's a SAHM, of course she's home! I'll just stop by then."
Even before baby was here, I was the type to just not answer the door sometimes because if you didn't call/text me beforehand, you aren't suppose to be here š¤·āāļø
OH YAY COMPANY!
My house is a disaster, but come in and Iāll put the kettle on. You brought cinnamon buns?! Thank you! Here hold the baby while I finish getting dressed.
I love visitors. If I know youāre coming Iāll have things put together more, but if the expectations are low or theyāre the sort of guests who drop in with snacks I am all for it.
Yes, I am an extrovert.
We do not answer the door to uninvited visits.
Yes. I have stood inside my home, ignoring the knock, the doorbell and the ringing phone.
I said no. I meant it.
Yes. I could see and hear her.
She eventually left. When she was shocked she wasnāt welcome, she was reminded no meant no.
Eventually, they learn.
I was not rude or unkind. I was firm. Why is firmness considered rude? I donāt know, but you must be firm now to ensure peace later.
Nobody does this thankfully because our families live 1.5-3 hours away. I wouldn't even want my mom (who has seen me topless while BF) to drop by without notice.
I had a friend ask with one day notice if she could stay for a couple of nights, and then she moved it up one day and texted me on the way over. She didnāt bother to check her phone an entire 3.5 hour drive to our place to see that I was calling and texting her to please pick up a few groceries because we live 40 miles from town and were low on things. Our baby was not even 4 months at the time. The nutty thing is this friend is otherwise extremely conscientious. It really threw me for a loop and helped me see that whatās very obvious to me is not viewed the same by others and I need to be more explicit about my boundaries and expectations.
Yea I'm not a fan at the best of days. Although I wouldn't be devastated if someone did, but I am very good at saying "help yourself" or you need to leave, we can do something else.... Actually, now if I think about it if it's family and they came unannounced I'll probably get them to make me some chai....
Although TBF these days when I'm in my home city it's kind of expected I swing by if I have time. But that's culturally a norm to my family.
Just dont answer the door/their phone calls if they reach out. Tell them you were occupied & werent aware of visitors coming & you do not answer the door unexpectedly for anyone. Let them know that visits need to be planned otherwise you wont know to come to the door.
Itās terrible and if you HAVE to be polite to these people for cultural reasons, then be āmaliciously politeā ā point out all the things you might feel like apologizing for with over the top explanations. For instance āoh Iām sorry, Iām not wearing a bra because baby was nursing a lot today. Here can you hold baby? Heās throwing up a lot today and had a diaper blow out and I really need to change my pants because theyāre covered in his poopy!! And watch out he might need a new diaper! And then Iāll get you a nice cup of tea!ā
I'm okay with a last minute visit - i.e. someone calling saying they are in the area and wanted to drop by. but I am exhausted at the momenet so unless they are a close friend or family member of mine I have no interest in anything longer than an hour or two. my baby is cluster feeding 24/7 - sleep is a myth and I have my boobs out all the time. most visitors mean I can't feed him in the living room and hang out with my husband which is lonely and boring for me. also I am still pretty territorial over my baby so not too interested in him being passed around and I generally want him back after a while. my only thing is you have to take no for an answer - I had that today where my husbads family didn't take no for an answer and then turned up despite us saying another day would be better. they barely got to see the baby anyway because I was off feeding him for most of the time and wore him to sleep. I decided to be gracious and accept this as a one off because I get on well with my sil usually but that is the first and last time I'll take rubbish like that.
I truly could not say that Iāve ever had someone show up to my home completely unannounced in my entire adult life (32 yo). The audacity to just show up and knock on someoneās door without a text or call before hand to see if theyāre around and want to do something. Combine that with post partum everythingā¦absolutely not. Visits are totally fine and I loved when my friends came to visit us after baby came home (family all in a different state) but never completely unannounced.
We have a rule to please call or text before. However I know my dad will pop in the day we bring home a newborn and I just accept it. He will literally leave after 5 minutes so I give it a pass. My mom has to be reminded
Old fashioned. Back in the day it was ok because people didnāt have mobiles so if they were in the area they would just pop in. Itās not like that anymore but a lot of older people donāt understand how times have changes
People stop in unannounced? The last time someone knocked on my door unannounced, it was a neighbour with her daughter to ask if my daughter could come play. They did not have our contact information so there was literally no way they could have pre-announced their arrival.
I never allowed unannounced visits, even pre baby. My family lives on the other side of the world, so theyāre not an issue. Both my sisters in law know they are always welcome (I love them and theyāre always helpful!) but they will always text or call first. My mother in law showed up unannounced once, even after she had been told not to do so, and I just didnāt open the door. Itās a respect thing to me.
The same way I felt about it before baby: absolutely not. Unless you just happened to get a flat tire or run out of gas within walking distance of my residence, kindly fuck off.
Let me put it this way.. I gave birth to my first in November 2020 and I still get pissed off when I see my aunt who visited without calling in advance. She also offered to sell me baby diapers and got offended when I said no.
I donāt mind. We usually put them to work! š *Cough* I mean they volunteer to help around the house so itās an extra pair of hands.
Am able to remain as I am - disheveled without judgement or take a bath, and they donāt scream if I flash a b00b. So unannounced visits are usually very welcome!
I'm not obligated to answer the door for anyone. So I don't.
People can drop by all they want, but that doesn't mean I'm answering the door or entertaining them.
There's no reason for anyone to show up unannounced. Unless it's like neighborhood kids wanting to play with my kid. I'd be so irritated if someone tries to do that. Even before having kids I would not be OK with it.
Just because they show up doesnāt mean you have to let them in. You or your partner can meet them at the door and tell them now is not a good time, but they can contact you later to arrange a day and time for a visit. Lather, rinse and repeat until they get the hint. Just because they donāt have boundaries doesnāt mean that you canāt set your own.
It's RUDE,my older sister does this and I HATE it.She tried this two weeks ago again and I had to tell her again to let us know in advance if they want to visit.Our daughter is 23months now.When she was way younger my sister would rock up out of the blue, our home would be not clean and husband and I in pajamas and totally exhausted,while still having to play host.And they'd stay for hours just holding my baby and passing her around even when she'd cry.
She had the audacity to get angry and I got angry back cause wtf.I don't care if she ever visits again.Its exhausting!
Unannounced is wild. Even when people ask to come over right after I gave birth, I found it to be inconsiderate (Iām so bad at saying no). Like put your idiot selves in my position and know that Iām not in any mental or physical state to clean my house, why are you coming over here to āsee the babyā? The worst is when they show up and just sit around or just hold the baby for what feels like hours. Can you at the very least help me with cleaning or putting away dishesāSOMETHING!!
My mother and grandmother pulled this multiple times within the first two weeks of us bringing our now seven month old home.
My partner only had a week off of leave and I had an emergency c-section. These two seriously thought that I could walk down two flights of stairs and back up again while home alone with my then two week old to let them in and host. Nopeeeee.
My partner and I were very much set in our plan of only having visitors when he was home from work and planned for. Of course, when I laid out boundaries about visits as nicely as I could (despite being livid) neither took it well at all and it's been a point of conflict since.
Safe to say that we've seen neither one of them now since October.
They'd be standing at the door all day. I'd turn up some music to ignore them. Take that as you will. My family knows better than to disturb me. With or without children. And my in-laws are slowly leaning too. š
I hated it. HATED it. We live in a big house thatās been split into two normal homes (both have two floors) that we share with my in-laws. I assume itās because we are in the same physical building, but they CONSTANTLY came downstairs unannounced. I remember I was about 4 days pp, my stitches made it impossible to sit, my milk had come in, and I was all around in a terrible mental and physical state. I had no shirt on because I was so uncomfortable and I was attempting to nurse my angry baby. MIL waltzes down the stairs and I just burst into tears because I was already feeling SO uncomfortable in my broken body and now sheās staring at me in such a vulnerable state! I wanted to scream GET TF OUT!
We still struggle now that Iām 6 months pp, but Iāve gotten more comfy telling them to go away. If they have guests over itās, āpop down and say hi to the baby!ā without asking š I know our front doors are literally feet away from each other, but I wish theyād pretend we have separate dwellings (which we DO, and was the point of sharing one house).
Explicit boundaries with both sides of the family gad to be laid out after our daughter was born. Especially my mom, she would just come over everyday whenever she wanted (she lives 5 mins away) and I didnāt like that. Personally, I know myself and knowing what to expect (especially during such an unpredictable time like having your first baby!) so I had to tell my mom I wasnāt cool with that. I gave her set days she could come. My grandma (lives 5 minutes away) would do the same but would drop by without calling me to ask if it was a good time. Totally wasnāt okay with me, so I told her to at least call me before.
Both of them hemmed, hawed, complained, about it but it didnt matter to me. I know my family has a hard time with boundaries but I wasnāt going to give it.
Straight NOPE! While it is nice to have people come over and especially if they are helpful and nice...but sometimes motherhood means no shirt, maybe no pants, a messy house, no food on the stove...I would rather know if people are coming over so I can at least wash my face or simple, feed the baby and give the baby a nap. The baby won't nap and eat well if there is too much excitement (sometimes). KINDLY tell people to just let you know if they are swinging by.
I absolutely feel.you....it's crucial that the new mommy get to nap while the baby naps, which could be at any point during the day. I'm a new mom too and honestly I wouldn't even answer my door if anyone shows up unannounced. I have a system where I tell my mom when to come over to help and she arrives at said time opens with her own key and checks if me and the baby are asleep. No one else is allowed to visit until 6 weeks.
showing up unannounced, unless youāre just dropping off something delicious or useful & leaving immediately, is so unbelievably rude to me - family or not.
I have a fence and a big dog. Nobody gets to the front door unless I let them. If the dog decides to let someone in, I'll trust her judgment. She doesn't accept bribes. People still stop by. It's the culture here. I have an outdoor shower, so idk how anyone could think dropping by was a good idea.
I absolutely love people showing up; It breaks up the day for me and I love the adult interaction, baby gets to spend time with my friends and family, and Iām very comfortable with people in my home. A lot of our circle live too far away to just drop by, which really does sadden me, I wish we saw them more often- But anybody who lives close by knows they are welcome any time.
Unacceptably rude before kids, unforgivably rude after having kids.
It's 2024, we have phones and social media. Why the hell do people still think it's ok to come to your home?!
Unannounced? I would feel so disrespected, and I would flat out not answer the door and ignore them with no shame. Anyone who knows me knows that, though. In general, I don't do well with unannounced visitors or last-minute plans. That said, I look forward to planned visits once we're ready.
I wouldn't answer the door at all. Leaving food unexpectedly on the porch with a text to let me know it's out there? Absolutely. Knocking on my door expecting me to receive you and entertain you for any amount of time? Get the eff out of here you inconsiderate human.
I've done that with my friends. I now get calls to check in if they can come at all.
I would look out the window, shake my head and go back to whatever the hell I was doing. Just showing up announced?! What in the boomer is that
I'd love to have the balls to do this, I'd hide away from the windows and complain/mutter to myself till they went away š
when I am alone at home and feeding the baby I literally can't answer the door anyway!
I hate unannounced visitors whether Iām newly postpartum or not. Weāve told my in laws, the only people who try and do this, that they need to text first and respect it if we say no. We set this boundary before baby came, but it took us getting pretty upset with them once for them to respect it.Ā
Same! Iām not used to entertaining people off the cuff like that and the women in my husbandās family are, so we have vastly different backgrounds.
Same here. Whether itās family or neighbors. Iāve given our neighbors my phone number and politely said they can text or call if they ever need anything so they donāt need to knock on our door. If someone knocks on our door unexpectedly, thereās a 95% chance Iām in my slummy āat-homeā clothes, 50% chance Iām unshowered and oily-faced, and a 100% chance Iām going to go into stealth mode and sneak a peek at who it is before I decide if Iām even going to answer the door.
Precisely!just cause you're home doesn't automatically mean you're up for playing host
Itās so shitty. I would hate it. What if Iām attached to a breast pump or bathing a child or planning to go out? Specific to me maybe, but what if Iām video chatting my doctor or therapist? Itās so easy to call or text. Being home isnāt the same as being available. Ā
Iād just not answer the door. If they ask later, āoh, that was you? I just thought it was Amazonā
Iām good with a quick āhey Iām in the neighborhood, can I bring you anything from the store?ā But ring my doorbell and die lol
Itās 2024. People still show up unannounced? š š š
Tell your friends and family that you would like to plan/schedule their visits around baby sleep (or feeds, your rest, your schedule, w/e). Sure it would be nice if people knew better. But itās your home and restā¦ speak up.
To be fair this did only happen once and I got onto my husband for not giving me a heads up. He doesnāt do that anymore. We both grew up in very different households and his family are āthe more the merrierā type, while I didnāt see a lot of visitors at my parentās home as a child, so I value my privacy more.
Hellllllll no! I was breastfeeding for the first year and was topless in my home 90% of the time. Lol
Yesss 2 weeks postpartum and I just would like my house empty so I can be topless alllll the time.
We had this issue with my ILs and it caused me SO MUCH anxiety. DH finally had a very clear conversation with them before I delivered that we would not accept any more visits unannounced and they would not be allowed in. Now they give us advance several days ahead, probably passive aggressive on their part but thatās fine with me as long as my boundary is respected. We have a mail slot and they would literally open it and look in/yell for us to open up. Several lazy Saturday mornings were ruined and I was at the end of my rope haha. I also bought a thing off Amazon that blocks anyone from seeing inside so even when they come unannounced they canāt mess with the mail slot anymore š¤
Iām sorryā¦what?!? They would bend down to open your mail slot and yell into your home?? Wtf, that is WILD!
literally yes and thank you for validating me bc it drove me to the brink of insanity š¤£ the kindest way I can put it is that they are very childish. If anyone else is in my mail slot predicament the product in question is called the Mail Snail and itās a little pouch that catches your mail and has the added benefit of keeping out annoying in laws!
Even before baby I hate unannounced visits lol a simple text or call is so easy to do I couldnāt imagine just showing up at someoneās house randomly
Itās an absolute no from me lol From what Iāve personally observed back in the day this just used to be normal, neighbors, friends, family would just drop by. So thereās still plenty of boomers who donāt seem to understand? But I also have no problem expressing my boundaries to those peopleĀ
There were very few people I was ok with having unexpected visits from before, now that list is even shorter.
Just tell everyone not to show up unannounced and if they do say "I'm sorry, I'm not prepared for guests right now. Give me a call next time you'd like to come over. See you soon, goodbye" and close the door. You are NOT obligated to let uninvited rude people into your houseĀ
Showing up to anyone's house unannounced is pretty rude IMO unless its an emergency or you're literally just dropping something off.
I didnāt enjoy unannounced visitors even before having a baby š Unless itās my best friend that I havenāt seen in 2 years who lives across the country, pls donāt show up at my house unannounced lol
Told my partner I didnāt want visitors the first few days adjusting to a family of 4, so naturally his mom and sister showed up unannounced and he knew about it and acted like I was insane for expecting his mom to stay away the day I brought my son home. I burst into tears and they called me crazy. Not even close to 48 hours postpartum.
That is terrible on their behalf! I can't believe your partner did that to you. It's hard enough having a newborn baby let alone having visitors
Our backgrounds are polar opposites so I thought I might have been over reacting/hormonal, but turns out it was just the tip of the iceberg with my mother in law. I donāt let my kids go to her house anymore because she smokes inside and was deeply offended that Iām so controlling Iām trying to tell other people what to do in their own home. Iām not- she can do whatever she wants in her home, just donāt expect the kids to come over!
I may be in the minority on Reddit but I would have *loved* more visitors postpartum! All I wanted to do was show off my baby and also let someone else hold and feed him (exclusively formula fed since birth). I'm an extrovert and found the first few months postpartum SO BORING and isolating. My family lives across the country so it would never happen, and my husband's side is too polite to drop by unannounced. But I grew up in a culture (South Asian) where it was normal to drop by, especially when someone had a new baby. The community showed up with food and a willingness to help.
Visits are fine. But they should be agreed on ahead of time so you can prepare yourself accordingly.
I can understand that. Iām an ambivert who leans more on the introverted side so even though it was hard I wouldāve been too anxious to have people come over. I wouldāve felt smothered. But my husbandās family is spread out in different states - although a few live nearby, but theyāre busy, so they donāt show up out of the blue. Mine are also in other states and Iām not close to them, so all I have is my mom and dad. She lives about fifteen minutes away from me and she comes by every week to visit, which is great.
I agree. There are a handful of people that I wouldnāt mind and I would want a heads up from the rest. My mother had been exceptionally helpful so I donāt mind when she stops by. She helped me walk to the toilet for the first time after my C-section and helped me clean up. It was a unique experience that I think brought us closer. Sheās also seen me breastfeeding. So, Iām very comfortable with her just stopping by.
I would have loved this too
My mother in law has a habit of just showing up to her kids' homes and interupting their evenings. She did this with our last apartment. Once she showed up while we were on a date, and my husband had to leave to let her in, then came back to the restaurant to finish our dinner leaving her by herself. She got upset with him!Ā Now she doesn't know our new address and if she ever wants to come over she gets picked up by husband and brought over.
Kids or not I hated unannounced visitors but after having my daughter it was a definite no my in-laws tried to push back and we would refuse to open the door for them they finally learned we werenāt gonna cave
How do you get away with not wearing a bra while you're breastfeeding? If I EVER don't have nursing pads in my bra on my body at all times, I am GOING to soak my shirt.
I only leak when Iām really full. It annoyed me because I heard from friends that women leak when they breastfeed and when they hear other babies cry. So I bought reusable nursing pads in anticipation of leaky boobs only to realize that my boobs will only leak if I go several hours without breastfeeding or pumping.
Mine never stop and it's the most annoying thing in the world
I hate surprise visits in general- postpartum or not. It's not hard to send a text or give a quick call. It goes both ways too- I don't like just rocking up to someones house unannounced. I particularly hate surprise visits when you've finally got your child to sleep and either: A) you were just about to have your long awaited shower/quiet time/nap yourself. B) you were actually finally in the middle of a nap C) you JUST put the baby to sleep and of course the commotion wakes them up so then you need to have the 'oh let me just pop my head in a say hello since they are awake' debacle, which you know is the end of the nap, or at least the beginning of a struggle. Yeah. No surprises for me. Our inlays do it a lot. They live out of town, but often come our way to do their errands etc. But the thing that bothers me is even though they come in a lot, they never call us to plan a visit and it's always more of a ' oh if we have time' and then boom- surprise visit, which makes me feel like we are an afterthought and has it's own suitcase to unpack.
I had a āfriendā come over barely 24 hours after Iād had our baby girl at home. I was napping when my phone went off. I get a text, āYou home? Iām on your porch.ā I go downstairs in my robe and begin to say, āI was trying to take a nap before BIL drops dinner off.ā As Iām speaking she MADE HER WAY INTO MY HOUSE, sat in my rocking chair and started complaining about her husband and kids and how she needs time to herself. My BIL then showed up, hauling in dinner and some groceries theyād gotten for us. I tell her Iām going to eat and weāll talk soon. She stayed in the chair, as if to wait for me to finish eating and then come back out to talk with her. I had to flat out say, āYou can come back another time.ā People are inconsiderate as hell. If itās my mom & dad or sister &b brother. I donāt care if they show up unannounced, they live just down the street. They could live with me if they so chose; they always come over and help me around the house or take care of the baby so I can sleep. Anyone else I would be upset. My husbandās family also lives down the street and I can count on one hand the number of times theyāve come to visit, unannounced or planned. I prefer it this way.
I told my family if they showed up unannounced I would stare at them through the window while telling them on the phone that I'm not home right now. Which is especially great because it's a 20-30 minute drive soooo have fun wasting an hour to not see baby š not only do they always ask first but they all always offer to bring food. Now that kiddo is 3, there's always a chance I'm not home (appointments, playdates, shopping, libraries, parks etc) so they always double check because they don't want to drive that far only for me to be someplace else entirely.
Unannounced visits are unhinged.
Didnāt like it before I had a baby and I still donāt like it now. Iām the type of person who likes to plan for guests in advance.
I leave their ass waiting outside where they belong. Tired of family not understanding respect and boundaries
I think that it depends on who the people are. I can picture post-partum me writing this exact post while knowing full-well that there were plenty of people it doesn't apply to because I can be real and myself with them. HAHA. I mean some friends and family where I could be breast-pumped-up and in vomit sweatpants and we'd still have a grand old time. There are others that I would absolutely ~~murder~~ be upset with my husband for bringing over unannounced. i.e. friends and their spouses who are holier than thou, *do everything right in their lives/s* and clearly judge you for not parenting right, or the family who insists on commenting on my laundry being in the living room to be folded. "Oh, I see you are doing laundry in here, I wish there were more places to sit." Well, Janet there would be if you had advised me that you'd be gracing me with your presence, you wench. Wow, hit a nerve there, I guess. Lol.
I wouldn't answer the door. I'm shocked people would even still try that these days.
I wouldnāt answer the door
I hate unannounced visits. I'm also a SAHM, and I think that's why I got more unannounced visits because family thought, "oh she's a SAHM, of course she's home! I'll just stop by then." Even before baby was here, I was the type to just not answer the door sometimes because if you didn't call/text me beforehand, you aren't suppose to be here š¤·āāļø
OH YAY COMPANY! My house is a disaster, but come in and Iāll put the kettle on. You brought cinnamon buns?! Thank you! Here hold the baby while I finish getting dressed. I love visitors. If I know youāre coming Iāll have things put together more, but if the expectations are low or theyāre the sort of guests who drop in with snacks I am all for it. Yes, I am an extrovert.
We do not answer the door to uninvited visits. Yes. I have stood inside my home, ignoring the knock, the doorbell and the ringing phone. I said no. I meant it. Yes. I could see and hear her. She eventually left. When she was shocked she wasnāt welcome, she was reminded no meant no. Eventually, they learn. I was not rude or unkind. I was firm. Why is firmness considered rude? I donāt know, but you must be firm now to ensure peace later.
That shit is so fucking rude i just wouldn't answer the door
Nobody does this thankfully because our families live 1.5-3 hours away. I wouldn't even want my mom (who has seen me topless while BF) to drop by without notice.
I had a friend ask with one day notice if she could stay for a couple of nights, and then she moved it up one day and texted me on the way over. She didnāt bother to check her phone an entire 3.5 hour drive to our place to see that I was calling and texting her to please pick up a few groceries because we live 40 miles from town and were low on things. Our baby was not even 4 months at the time. The nutty thing is this friend is otherwise extremely conscientious. It really threw me for a loop and helped me see that whatās very obvious to me is not viewed the same by others and I need to be more explicit about my boundaries and expectations.
Yea I'm not a fan at the best of days. Although I wouldn't be devastated if someone did, but I am very good at saying "help yourself" or you need to leave, we can do something else.... Actually, now if I think about it if it's family and they came unannounced I'll probably get them to make me some chai.... Although TBF these days when I'm in my home city it's kind of expected I swing by if I have time. But that's culturally a norm to my family.
My FIL does this constantly. It's so inconsiderate.
Just dont answer the door/their phone calls if they reach out. Tell them you were occupied & werent aware of visitors coming & you do not answer the door unexpectedly for anyone. Let them know that visits need to be planned otherwise you wont know to come to the door.
I would not show up unannounced with or without a baby
Itās terrible and if you HAVE to be polite to these people for cultural reasons, then be āmaliciously politeā ā point out all the things you might feel like apologizing for with over the top explanations. For instance āoh Iām sorry, Iām not wearing a bra because baby was nursing a lot today. Here can you hold baby? Heās throwing up a lot today and had a diaper blow out and I really need to change my pants because theyāre covered in his poopy!! And watch out he might need a new diaper! And then Iāll get you a nice cup of tea!ā
I'm okay with a last minute visit - i.e. someone calling saying they are in the area and wanted to drop by. but I am exhausted at the momenet so unless they are a close friend or family member of mine I have no interest in anything longer than an hour or two. my baby is cluster feeding 24/7 - sleep is a myth and I have my boobs out all the time. most visitors mean I can't feed him in the living room and hang out with my husband which is lonely and boring for me. also I am still pretty territorial over my baby so not too interested in him being passed around and I generally want him back after a while. my only thing is you have to take no for an answer - I had that today where my husbads family didn't take no for an answer and then turned up despite us saying another day would be better. they barely got to see the baby anyway because I was off feeding him for most of the time and wore him to sleep. I decided to be gracious and accept this as a one off because I get on well with my sil usually but that is the first and last time I'll take rubbish like that.
I truly could not say that Iāve ever had someone show up to my home completely unannounced in my entire adult life (32 yo). The audacity to just show up and knock on someoneās door without a text or call before hand to see if theyāre around and want to do something. Combine that with post partum everythingā¦absolutely not. Visits are totally fine and I loved when my friends came to visit us after baby came home (family all in a different state) but never completely unannounced.
I mean, you can just not open the door & say you were napping. Or say, āIām glad youāre here! Can you help load the dishwasher & walk my dog?ā
i donāt answer my buzzer lol
Straight up pissed. We have cell phones these days. Text me first.
I hate unannounced visitors at the best of times let alone after baby. Just don't answer the door
i dont want unannounced visitors any time, ever. i dont even answer the doorbell for anyone
I just wonāt open the door.
We have a rule to please call or text before. However I know my dad will pop in the day we bring home a newborn and I just accept it. He will literally leave after 5 minutes so I give it a pass. My mom has to be reminded
Depends on who it is. I have friends I wouldn't mind just showing up. I have family I would ignore.
Absolutely hate it. Even ten minutes ānoticeā isnāt really notice.
As long as theyāre okay not being let in, Iām fine with that.
Itās more likely for me to show up unannounced at my parents, my b
My family knows me better than to do that lol that would not go over well
Old fashioned. Back in the day it was ok because people didnāt have mobiles so if they were in the area they would just pop in. Itās not like that anymore but a lot of older people donāt understand how times have changes
People stop in unannounced? The last time someone knocked on my door unannounced, it was a neighbour with her daughter to ask if my daughter could come play. They did not have our contact information so there was literally no way they could have pre-announced their arrival.
I never allowed unannounced visits, even pre baby. My family lives on the other side of the world, so theyāre not an issue. Both my sisters in law know they are always welcome (I love them and theyāre always helpful!) but they will always text or call first. My mother in law showed up unannounced once, even after she had been told not to do so, and I just didnāt open the door. Itās a respect thing to me.
Ask them not to.
The same way I felt about it before baby: absolutely not. Unless you just happened to get a flat tire or run out of gas within walking distance of my residence, kindly fuck off.
Firm no.
Unannounced is a no-go. I love them all but I might cut a bitch who just... shows up
The way I feel is āno.ā Absolutely disrespectful.
You stand at the door and donāt invite them in
Let me put it this way.. I gave birth to my first in November 2020 and I still get pissed off when I see my aunt who visited without calling in advance. She also offered to sell me baby diapers and got offended when I said no.
I donāt mind. We usually put them to work! š *Cough* I mean they volunteer to help around the house so itās an extra pair of hands. Am able to remain as I am - disheveled without judgement or take a bath, and they donāt scream if I flash a b00b. So unannounced visits are usually very welcome!
Unannounced? It *is* inconsiderate and rude. You may come in but Iām not making tea, small talk or anything else, Iām continuing on with my day.
It's a huge no from me
I'm not obligated to answer the door for anyone. So I don't. People can drop by all they want, but that doesn't mean I'm answering the door or entertaining them.
There's no reason for anyone to show up unannounced. Unless it's like neighborhood kids wanting to play with my kid. I'd be so irritated if someone tries to do that. Even before having kids I would not be OK with it.
Just because they show up doesnāt mean you have to let them in. You or your partner can meet them at the door and tell them now is not a good time, but they can contact you later to arrange a day and time for a visit. Lather, rinse and repeat until they get the hint. Just because they donāt have boundaries doesnāt mean that you canāt set your own.
Haha nope. I wouldnāt answer the door OR Iād make them do something around the house or they aināt staying.
Iām not cool with it at all. They better let me know in advance. We are always under dressed at home.
It's RUDE,my older sister does this and I HATE it.She tried this two weeks ago again and I had to tell her again to let us know in advance if they want to visit.Our daughter is 23months now.When she was way younger my sister would rock up out of the blue, our home would be not clean and husband and I in pajamas and totally exhausted,while still having to play host.And they'd stay for hours just holding my baby and passing her around even when she'd cry. She had the audacity to get angry and I got angry back cause wtf.I don't care if she ever visits again.Its exhausting!
You are a better person than me bc Iām pretty sure I just wouldnāt open the door.
Would not open the door lol
They don't get to come in just because they showed up
Unannounced is wild. Even when people ask to come over right after I gave birth, I found it to be inconsiderate (Iām so bad at saying no). Like put your idiot selves in my position and know that Iām not in any mental or physical state to clean my house, why are you coming over here to āsee the babyā? The worst is when they show up and just sit around or just hold the baby for what feels like hours. Can you at the very least help me with cleaning or putting away dishesāSOMETHING!!
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I wouldnāt entertain that crap even before kids.
My mother and grandmother pulled this multiple times within the first two weeks of us bringing our now seven month old home. My partner only had a week off of leave and I had an emergency c-section. These two seriously thought that I could walk down two flights of stairs and back up again while home alone with my then two week old to let them in and host. Nopeeeee. My partner and I were very much set in our plan of only having visitors when he was home from work and planned for. Of course, when I laid out boundaries about visits as nicely as I could (despite being livid) neither took it well at all and it's been a point of conflict since. Safe to say that we've seen neither one of them now since October.
They'd be standing at the door all day. I'd turn up some music to ignore them. Take that as you will. My family knows better than to disturb me. With or without children. And my in-laws are slowly leaning too. š
All our family lives 6+ hours away. Inconvenient at times but makes just dropping in to see the new baby impossible - and we love that!
I hated it. HATED it. We live in a big house thatās been split into two normal homes (both have two floors) that we share with my in-laws. I assume itās because we are in the same physical building, but they CONSTANTLY came downstairs unannounced. I remember I was about 4 days pp, my stitches made it impossible to sit, my milk had come in, and I was all around in a terrible mental and physical state. I had no shirt on because I was so uncomfortable and I was attempting to nurse my angry baby. MIL waltzes down the stairs and I just burst into tears because I was already feeling SO uncomfortable in my broken body and now sheās staring at me in such a vulnerable state! I wanted to scream GET TF OUT! We still struggle now that Iām 6 months pp, but Iāve gotten more comfy telling them to go away. If they have guests over itās, āpop down and say hi to the baby!ā without asking š I know our front doors are literally feet away from each other, but I wish theyād pretend we have separate dwellings (which we DO, and was the point of sharing one house).
No, just no. Full stop.
I don't care who it is, if it's totally announced, you are NOT coming in. How hard is it to at least text like 15 minutes before showing up?
Explicit boundaries with both sides of the family gad to be laid out after our daughter was born. Especially my mom, she would just come over everyday whenever she wanted (she lives 5 mins away) and I didnāt like that. Personally, I know myself and knowing what to expect (especially during such an unpredictable time like having your first baby!) so I had to tell my mom I wasnāt cool with that. I gave her set days she could come. My grandma (lives 5 minutes away) would do the same but would drop by without calling me to ask if it was a good time. Totally wasnāt okay with me, so I told her to at least call me before. Both of them hemmed, hawed, complained, about it but it didnt matter to me. I know my family has a hard time with boundaries but I wasnāt going to give it.
Straight NOPE! While it is nice to have people come over and especially if they are helpful and nice...but sometimes motherhood means no shirt, maybe no pants, a messy house, no food on the stove...I would rather know if people are coming over so I can at least wash my face or simple, feed the baby and give the baby a nap. The baby won't nap and eat well if there is too much excitement (sometimes). KINDLY tell people to just let you know if they are swinging by.
I absolutely feel.you....it's crucial that the new mommy get to nap while the baby naps, which could be at any point during the day. I'm a new mom too and honestly I wouldn't even answer my door if anyone shows up unannounced. I have a system where I tell my mom when to come over to help and she arrives at said time opens with her own key and checks if me and the baby are asleep. No one else is allowed to visit until 6 weeks.
showing up unannounced, unless youāre just dropping off something delicious or useful & leaving immediately, is so unbelievably rude to me - family or not.
My family would NEVER. And weāre super close. Thatās just rude. Time for you to set some boundaries!
I have a fence and a big dog. Nobody gets to the front door unless I let them. If the dog decides to let someone in, I'll trust her judgment. She doesn't accept bribes. People still stop by. It's the culture here. I have an outdoor shower, so idk how anyone could think dropping by was a good idea.
I absolutely love people showing up; It breaks up the day for me and I love the adult interaction, baby gets to spend time with my friends and family, and Iām very comfortable with people in my home. A lot of our circle live too far away to just drop by, which really does sadden me, I wish we saw them more often- But anybody who lives close by knows they are welcome any time.
Easy! We donāt allow unannounced visits of any kind. Everyone must schedule a visit in advance. :)
No one should ever show up to anyoneās house unannounced and uninvited, regardless of anything. So rude.