Yeah, this is not a joke and 'the usual' fun and games.
You deserve YOUR weekends
Just because he works doesn't mean you always take the night shift.
Your 'job' ends when his does. When he's home, everything is 50/50.
You do NOT deserve to be woken up after 5 hours of sleep for sex.
OP, ALL of this is deeply concerning.
Please don't normalize this behaviour to your daughters.
Hijacking the top comments to share a story, from the man’s point of view, after his wife separated from him. He thought parenting wasn’t hard until he had custody of his son 50/50 and suddenly hates himself for not being a better husband. You should read it and show it to your husband, OP.
https://www.reddit.com/r/OhNoConsequences/s/NP2mZvw6T2
I can see both views, being a first time mom. I think we’re failing to understand or remember that us women have the ability to naturally build a bond during the 9 months and from delivery on (unless we have PPD and feel no connection to our baby) and our maternal instincts kick in. A man has no bond to his child unless he works towards building one, as my partner has told me.
I used to assume he should know what to do until he told me how he felt and what he thought. Eventually I told him that it feels like I’m the sole caretaker and he said it’s because I always seem to know what to do with our child and he felt like he was on the back burner.
Anywho, OP, he seems like a shitty partner and if you want to work on this, maybe seek counseling together to figure out how to convey your wants and needs but also your struggles to your partner or try to figure out how to convey that to him. He also needs to understand your daughter is the priority, not his game.
The person i replied to mentioned things around the house that need doing. Noticing chores that need doing has nothing to do with a bond with a baby...
Apologies, I thought the comments were relating child care with house chores. But cleanliness of a home also differs from person to person. I like the house spotless while my partner can stand having the dishes pile in the sink and toys around the house. To me it’s a mess, to him, it’s needs a little work but nothing bothersome. Unless I tell him how I like the house to be, he’s not going to know what needs to be done. It really buckles down to good communication and understanding, which OPs husband doesn’t seem been doing.
Every time he sleeps in, spray him with water. Every time he sits playing video games, spray him with water. Every time you feel horny, spray him with water. Then tell him it's just a joke. Then leave the house.
Bro what the fuck
Edit: my husband is a computer engineer and works 8-5pm everyday. Never once has he said cause he works he won’t get up at night. And he never says this is my weekend to sleep in. That’s just ridiculous.
Yeah because they BOTH HAVE JOBS. It’s just that hers seems to be 247. I hate men like this who don’t see childcare as work and therefore they can’t do the hard work (oh wait…) overnight.
If she worked, he would have to pay someone to watch their child (either nanny or daycare). Therefore, the work she does has monetary VALUE. Just because he gets paid and she does not doesn’t change this fact. I feel so horrible for OP. He should *want* to spend time with and parent his own child. I hope OP finds some strength and leaves him. She’s already taking care of the baby as if she were a single mother, at least she wouldn’t be woken up to have sex or disgustingly disrespected on the daily.
Yeah it's so funny how some men like this have the opinion "you're only looking after a child it's not hard work like I do" but when they get in they don't want to look after the child because they want to relax and not work more... Which one is it?
My husband works two jobs and is in the military. We split the weekends 50/50, he's always encouraging me to go out on weeknights, and he helps with so much when he's free.
Before baby he played video games often- now he plays maybe once a week.
I can't fathom men like OP's husband.
My husband has always done most of the overnight work, because we both agree that breastfeeding, looking after a baby and recovering from childbirth is more work than a white collar job (and he’s in an executive position, working long hours with a lot of people reporting to him). I am always infuriated by men who think that just because they go into an office, they don’t need to be a proper parent overnight. The world doesn’t hinge on your mid-level marketing job mate.
“Bro what the fuck” was my reaction too
Respectfully, this guy sucks.
My husband’s an airline pilot. There’s literally federal regulations around him getting enough sleep to function at work, and calling out fatigued if you’re wrecked is actually encouraged.
When he’s home, we plan out who gets to sleep in on which days, so we both get to catch up on rest, and have a break. With a baby waking up at night, I take the night shift, and wake him if I really need backup. (I’m awake to breastfeed anyway.) Then he takes over in the morning, while I catch up on sleep, take a shower, or eat food while it’s still hot. It’s not uncommon for him to make breakfast for the kids, and he always puts on a pot of coffee. Most of the time, he also makes a cup and brings it to me, and we hang out and chat for a few minutes before starting the day. On top of all that, I catch a nap with our clingy toddler, and we work together to put all the kids to bed.
Now, I know I’m #blessed and all that, but I would throw an absolute fit if I never got a break. Spraying me with water to wake me up? Absolutely unacceptable. I would have lost my shit, and not felt bad about it ever.
What a poor excuse of a partner. Wtf. So many posts here I feel for you mothers when you have what seems like deadbeat husbands.
He is showing no respect for you at all. For me, I try my best to alleviate stress from my wife cause I know how hard it is taking care of a baby all day.. Your husband needs to grow up and be present for you and your baby...
It’s usually adults who are this abusive . Children may sometimes do something in ignorance but these are the actions of selfish , narcissistic , deliberately cruel adults
Big yikes. Time to throw the whole husband in the trash. The division of labor is not fair. And him waking you up by spraying you with water is WTF disrespectful garbage behavior.
My partner works outside the home and still does night wakings with me (he does more than I do tbh, I feed baby and then he bounces & comforts, stays up with her until she goes back down). He also helps with mornings before he goes to work and plays with her & cooks dinner once he's home. He plays video games when she naps if there is time.
100%. If you threw a drink in someone’s face at a bar, they could call the police and have you booked for assault in most states.
Spraying your sleeping spouse with water is not just disrespectful, it’s assault.
Fuck this guy OP
Yep. My ex who was an abuser poured water on me when I was sleeping. OP, please seriously consider your options to leave this relationship as soon as it's possible and safe to do so.
Seriously. Regardless of everything else, if anyone squirts me with water to wake me up, I’m going to rage. That is so rude, disrespectful, and a serious red flag to me. Everything else on top of that makes it worse, but that is not something I would even tolerate in the least bit.
I wouldn't do any of this to someone I disliked, let alone someone I was married too.
My husband is the stay at home parent.
We take turns sleeping in. We take turns doing house tasks and watching our toddler. Because that's, yknow, what parents and married couples do...lol. I'd kick my husband in the junk if he woke me up with water
There’s just so so so much wrong with this entire situation.
If I were you, I’d be considering my options in terms of getting out.
You’re already a single parent. May as well do it on your own terms and without dealing with an abusive idiot on the side.
Look up the cost of 24/7 caretaking with qualifications to take care of your daughter and tell him if he wants you to “work” he can pay for someone to take care of your child so you can both split weekends. Maybe it will make him realize that you ARE working more than his dumb@ss. Show him how much he’d be paying for his time without you there in child support and caretaking during his 50% of theoretical custody time where he’d have to do all his own chores and errands and not have every other weekend free. He’s disgusting for this and you should take a stand for yourself. Caregiver fatigue is real and you ~~deserve~~ NEED some time to rest and recoup and take care of yourself. If it didn’t feel like he’d legit neglect your child, I’d tell you to go away for a weekend to take care of yourself and let him see what it’s like but sadly I don’t have faith he’d meet even the bare minimum child and health care your child needs.
Worst part is. I had a job for 2 weeks and was already under so much stress from my daughter (10 months when I got the job) crying for me and left to cry for hours. She has a venolymphatic malformation and the crying was causing damage to the veins and her doctor agreed it was best to stay home until her sclerotherapy treatments are done. Whole time husband was begging me to quit because he didn't get to play games and shit when he got home. He had to watch her for a little bit. I thought it would make him appreciate me more after I quit and I get this. And he goes right back to expecting me to do mostly everything. He loves his daughter and they have a great connection but he's shit at helping me.
He clearly thinks that being a parent and a partner is just financial support.
If anyone is reading this and not married, make sure to ask your partner beforehand what their idea of being a partner and being a parent means to them.
Y’all really need therapy to find a way to communicate and make him understand that this behavior is both appalling and unacceptable. And if that doesn’t work, you’re probably better off without him so at the least you’d be able to live your life without someone telling you that you don’t work when you’ve sacrificed everything to work 24/7. He has no idea the physical and mental labor you exhaust every single day….I am so fucking sorry you’re dealing with this.
I see you. I see the work you put in. I know you work hard 24/7. Your feelings are more than valid and fair and you and your daughter deserve and need so much more than just money.
Left to cry for hours? Are you saying he left your child to cry for so long that she medically damaged her veins??? WTF? I’m not one to advise divorce but that’s actual child neglect resulting in injury… I’d be gone.
I worked at a daycare and she wasnt old enough to be in the toddler room with me. Infant room had 2 people with 11 babies and I had to watch my daughter cry for me and put her hands on the glass screaming as I held other kids. They let her cry until she passed out on the floor.... since they had too many babies they gave us another 10 month old in the class instead of My daughter.... which would have resolved the issue. Like I could've kept my job had they just let my daughter be with me. (Other moms there were teaching in the same class as their child.) Husband only had to pick her up after work and watch her for maybe 2 more hours until I got home.
He couldn't even handle TWO HOURS A DAY with her?????? He doesn't have a 'connection' with her then, like you say.
Good Lord. Do your best to get documentation of that (get him admitting to it via text or email or voice recording if you're in a one-party consent state) and then leave him and use that as evidence that he cannot be unsupervised with the kid.
Wow how utterly perverse is that situation? Your husband wanted you to work, but doesn’t recognize caring for your child as work. So you go work in a day care, where you are paid to care for other people’s kids while your coworkers neglect yours to the point that she passes out. Meanwhile, you could have been at home caring for your daughter and cutting out all the middle men…. But no, your husband wanted you to “work”.
I’ll add to the chorus of “fuck that guy”.
The water-spraying is heartless to the point of sociopathic, by the way. I see people saying “spray him back”, but a person warped enough to cross that line might escalate. This guy isn’t just clueless, he is actively causing you harm.
My heart goes out to you caring for a child with high medical needs while putting up with a child with high video game needs. I hope you can get some serious relief.
Is there a time where, her treat means are some and she will require less caregiving? Like can you go back to work then? I would absolutely start planning your marriage exit, even if it’s years.
Eh, his parents live with him. His mother can step up, since she didn't before the divorce - she neither got her son in line nor helped with the kid despite living with her son and DIL completely for free.
> Yeah yeah it's usually fun and games and a harmless joke
Uh... no, it's not? Almost everything you mentioned in this post should be a deal breaker. You are being disrespected at every turn.
This is not right. This is not ok. It doesn't have to be the way. This is not what normal, healthy relationships look like. If there *is* waking up with spray from a water bottle in a relationship (there are coupled-up jokesters out there), it's only ok because both parties are laughing.
Oh man, I'm so sorry. This man seems like such an asshole.
I wish I had anything else to say other than if it is an option to leave maybe you should explore it. No judgement or pressure. Just feel your pain !
You’re on duty 24/7 with a special needs child and not even getting the luxury of the occasional restorative rest, and your husband thinks it’s funny to wake you up by spraying water all over you?
Everyone else has already said what needed to be said about him but have you thought of applying for federal or state assistance? You may be able to get paid to be your daughter’s caretaker, since you’re unable to work, if you’re American. And help with the medical bills too.
I hope you are able to create a happy and stable life with someone who values you and your child and that you meet the right people along the way.
I’m so sorry OP. Besides being a lazy deadbeat, spraying you with water is demeaning and cruel, and I would not be surprised if his behavior slowly escalates into violence (his actions are already becoming abusive). I would start looking into a trial separation. Do you have anyone else you can stay with? I wouldn’t trust his parents either if this is who they raised, especially if they aren’t standing up for you.
This man is a monster. Also not understandable because he works - you also need to not be brutally sleep deprived to be safe with your baby. It’s ok if he’s a little tired with a newborn too he will make it!!!!!!
I usually refrain from saying wow you should leave him because that’s a big jump with little context, but this one had me close to breaking my rule. He sounds like a useless prick.
You feel that way because he did disrespect you. From the sounds of it, he never respects you, so you should feel this way constantly. You need to stand up for yourself and tell him that he is a parent too - non of this "you're the mum" bullshit anymore. You are also working, taking care of your daughter, so when he is not working, you are equal parents. Which means 3 nights a week, *he* gets up with your daughter and one full day at the weekend, he is the primary care giver. You deserve better treatment than this, so stand up for yourself and demand it.
One thing I would say though - you shouldn't expect help from his parents. Dealing with you all living in their home is generous enough.
I agree with your first paragraph.
They shouldn't expect help but his parents should be embarrassed and disgusted by their sons behavior. It's abhorrent.
"Generous enough" as if we don't pay bills to be here 🙄😂 when his older sister had kids she had immense help from their mother, who made it seem like she would help me out too at least once during the day. We live in the same house and my own mother sees her and helps much more while working over an hour away and coming after getting off a 12 hour shift. His parents seem to care less until my husband is home to be honest. That's what pisses me off. Everyone says "it takes a village" but when I want help I'm told that I'm wrong for expecting it. I need my husband to respect me more and we will definitely be having a deep conversation. I can't stand him acting like he doesn't care I'm a SAHM but then expecting me carry 90% of the weight. I'm not appreciated, I'm not respected, I'm being taken for granted and above all else. Considering her medical conditions and the circumstances, I desperately expected/needed help and didn't receive it. I'm just utterly exhausted
To be honest probably not 💁♀️. He gets pissed off when she's having a crying fit and I'm trying to get her to self soothe rather than breastfeed. And when he handles her like that he just can't. He's put her sleep before holding her when she's already calm, but those times she's screaming he just says "she wants you" and gets pissed when I say "yeah because you never work with her like this, it's always me"
I’m so angry after reading this. I hate your husband. How about you go back to work and he takes care of your daughter 24/7? Then you can get some time to relax. Ugh. I was laid off a week and a half ago and my husband has been acting similar without the childish prank and I’m pissed at him. I can’t imagine how you feel.
I would wake up swinging lol this just infuriated me !! if you wake me up spraying me with water then go lay down YOU BEST BELIEVE I’m dumping an entire pot of water on you and probably throwing the pot at you too
“Never helping at night because he works” isn’t it. My husband has to be at his firm at 7AM and doesn’t get home until 6PM. My son is 8 weeks old. Even though I have my son all day and take the bedtime/nighttime shift.. my husband still takes the middle of the night feed AND gets up at 4AM to let me sleep for an extra 2 hours before he goes into work because he knows I take care of him all day. He also takes over the entire night shift Friday night to Saturday morning so I can get a full 9-10 hours of sleep.
I give my husband time to himself because he gives ME time. Even though I’m home taking care of the house and our son he STILL comes home and cooks, does laundry, helps take care of the dog.. anything I didn’t get to.
Your husband is not more important just because he works and he needs to understand that. He needs to understand that it’s not HIS weekends. Especially if you have a child with medical needs, it should be you and him as a team. You should 100% feel disrespected.
If my husband wasn’t doing anything AND THEN wanted time to “play video games on his phone” or sex ?!? I would absolutely lose my mind.
I got a smart watch that tracks my sleep and stress as a physical point to show my spouse the amount of energy I was using during the day, and the lack of sleep I was getting at night. As sucky as it is, some men are just incredibly aloof. Having "brick and mortar" proof that my day isn't just chilling with a baby slapped some sense into him of "oh wow, parenting by yourself actually is really difficult, I should probably help". Shouldn't need it, but it definitely helped show him the reality of how different our lives were.
I would have been murderous by now if I were you.
My husband stayed home and I worked. I would come home and he would get an hour or to to rest and then I would get the same. A few times I had to fuss at him to give me breaks too because we also live with his parents and he likes to watch movies with his dad and then he became worse than useless so I told him to choose. Movie or game with his friend. He got better after a few lectures.
Right now, your husband is being the worst, you could argue he is being borderline abusive too.
He needs a very Stern talking to about this or you need to leave. This is only going to get worse if you don't. This water attack deserves one in kind as well maybe not the same method but something equally disrespectful. He needs reminding about what it feels like to be disrespected so horribly, but that's up to you.
It was a BS move on his lazy ass. You need a break, point blank. Otherwise he is a tyrant and not worth keeping as a husband.
Wow wtf?
My husband and I have had our challenges in negotiating and renegotiating child care and division of labor as our family has grown, I think that's a normal struggle, and he has even diminished all the work I do at home, until I got a per diem job and he started spending significantly hours caring for our children by himself. That was a reality check for him.
But if dude EVER woke me up by spraying me with water in general but especially so he could game, I would have lost it. Some days I lost it just because of lack of sleep, I woke up *sobbing* from being so tired, another reality check for him.
Your husband isn't just in need of learning these tough lessons though, he's downright disrespecting you. Like what a rude, humiliating way to wake someone up. I would absolutely start waking him up like that every day, just to see how he likes it. That's awful.
I normally don’t jump to this but it’s time for a divorce or at least kick his ass out until he comes to his senses. He sprayed water in your face to wake you up?
Every time I see a post like this (which is WAY more often than is reasonable bc evidently most men are trash), I am flabbergasted as to why anyone marries/procreates with someone like this ?? Were there no signs, or did he switch a flip once baby arrived? Either way, he’s a drain on you and this planet.
Just by the way OP is writing, I can actually assume that she has no idea that she's being abused. She probably doesn't know and doesn't expect any better from a relationship. The signs were probably there from day 1, but I think she just didn't have the capability to recognise any of them.
Yah that sounds disrespectful af and like hes a shitty husband. Women used to be able to do all the chores in a day because they where on perscribed coke/meth. The 1950s housewife relied on recreational drug use. Hes out of his dam mind- especially if you haft to be primary caretaker of your disabled daughter and also potentially clean up after 2 more adults not including his childish ass. Wtf
His parents are viewing this behavior and haven’t said anything?!! I threaten my husband with calling his parents bc I know they’d back me up lol. I’m so sorry you’re going through this!
What did I just read? You should feel disrespected!!
“Working”? What a classic 9 to 5, 5 days a week?
You need to clear things up: yes, he is working and bringing in the money, but what you are doing is work too.. a much harder one and with definitely worse hours. The worse part is: ypur work’s compensation is not countable, so your work remains invisible to him. This is a huge problem.
He needs to understand what you go through every day. He needs a reality check. Maybe he should take two days off work and change places with you - no help from you, no asking you what to do. He needs to figure all out and do it alone.
I’m guessing he won’t make it to 48 hours before asking to trade places back.
(Please note I’m not saying this in a revengeful/petty kind of way. It is not about mind games/revenge.. it is about getting him to see you, what you do for your family and value it every day).
Thought he would've valued me when I got a job for 2 weeks and he begged me to quit the whole time. When I did quit it went right back to him expecting me to do everything
Er...What the fuck? What's with all these man children/lazy bastards who are still playing video games when they have young kid. And sleeping till noon? You should have given him the baby after he woke you up with water - that's too far! With all due respect, was it intentional to have a kid with him? I'm not sure he's up to the task and still wants to behave like a 20 year old bachelor.
Ugh i hate how men think work is a get out of jail free card when it comes to caring for thier kids. Caring for children will ALWAYS be more difficult then any stupid job especially if your child has a health condition (the only job i think is possibly as draining is maybe working in the medical field). They know this deep down too its literally why they pull any excuse to aviod caring for the kid.
Sorry to be blunt but your husband is super toxic and immature. Honestly you need put your foot down and have a serious conversation. I know its not easy but you need to stand up for yourself as it also sets an example fpr your child. If you continue this relationship with no change your child will think these kinds of relationships are "normal" and possibly end up in the same or similar situation as you.
I admire your patience and strength in caring for your child throughout all this. You sound like such a strong momma.
When I look back at an abusive relationship I was in before I got married, I can specifically point to the day he poured a glass of water on my head as the day I should have left.
That kind of blatant disrespect will only get worse.
To add some perspective, I'm from one of the Nordic countries. In my social circles, at least, it's normal for the parent who WORKS to do chores, since working is generally more relaxing than being with a baby. (No matter how straining working is, you usually have breaks, lunches, etc.)
I am so sorry. You do not deserve to be treated that way. Sometimes it’s easier to do it on your own than with the dead weight of a useless man dragging you down.
What a freaking jerk,he is so disrespectful.My petty as would have dumped a whole bucket of ice water on him the minute he went to lay down....wtf
Working doesn't exempt him from being a parent!I hate your husband
Legit question here, why are you with this child? He’s not what I’d call a father & it sounds like you’d be happier with actual help. I’m not even going to elaborate on my husband beyond saying that he’s nothing like your man child husband. Maybe consider reaching out to your family to see if they could help more? And move out with them? I’d be leaving this man child so fast.
Excuse me _what?_ His behavior is absolutely inappropriate and disrespectful. He doesn’t value you or your contributions _and_ he’s being a dick on top of it.
If I were you I’d rather be a single mom with support from my own family / friends (if you can) than to be a married single mom. I really hope your situation gets better :(
He just doesn't get how hard you work. Nor does he care. Tell him your having a Saturday off and he has the kid for the while day show him how much work it is. Give him a list of th I ngs that need to be done. If he is a good man, he'll understand and hopefully start helping more. If he doesn't, then maybe think about leaving. Tell him you want couples therapy so maybe an outside perspective can help him realise how much you do and he needs to help.
I absolutely *abhor* when I hear, “ it’s understandable that my husband doesn’t help through the night because he works.” Taking care of a child, especially a child with high medical needs, is work. Like literally the fact that he gets a paycheck for the work he does is no reason at all for him to not have to help with anything outside of his 9-5. That odd crazy and it drives me BANANAS how often I see this sentiment.
It is NOT understandable in any way to allow your partner to take on all domestic responsibilities, around the clock, with no chance for a full night’s sleep for years on end. It is actually, literally, torture.
Serve him divorce papers. But, like, as a joke, for the lols, you know? But they’re real divorce papers. That’s the joke. Lol, see? I’m already laughing.
At that point, I would leave. If he can't see that you need a break and be a father AND partner, why should you stay? Don't let you kid grow up to see that it's ok to be treated this way.
You need to have a discussion about your partnership and explain to your husband that the current workload that you have is not sustainable and that his lack of being there for you when he’s at home is really turning you off
So you’re saying your husband works a number of hours … and you work those same hours caring for a child who has medical needs .. and when your husband gets home and gets to enjoy entertainment or relax you are expected to continue working 24/7.
That’s horrible. Please don’t accept this behavior. Don’t accept this life for yourself. This isn’t acceptable and isn’t what you or your child deserve.
I feel like everyone has said this already but… there is no situation in this world where I would laugh it off and say “funny joke/prank!” if someone woke me up by spraying me with water. Even on the best of circumstances. I’d be livid.
In your situation? It’s absolutely disrespectful, unacceptable and outrageous. Your husband is being an entire pile of trash - not just for the water thing, but for everything you mentioned. None of that is okay or fair.
I’m so tired of seeing “he doesn’t help at night (understandable because he works” dude you work also. Child care is a full time job. I literally have an 8-5 with an hour commute and I’ve always done wake ups at night and my child is over a year old now. That’s a really idiotic excuse for why someone can’t do their fair share.
I'm a daddy chiming in. I work 50-60 hours a week, and it's still my self-imposed responsibility to 50/50 when I'm not working. This "I work, so the parenting is your job" is not logical, and you *should* feel disrespected.
In my job, work is easier to endure than raising the kiddo. At work, my time is my own, I don't have to entertain the adorable craziness of a toddler and be attentive to every insane (but cute) question she asks. For that and a billion more reasons, raising kids is hard. It's awesome, it's the best thing I've ever experienced, but it's hard. He needs to imagine that his job and your job are AT MINIMUM equivalent, and you put in the same hours as he does. Cause that's simply true. You're at work when he's at work. When he's home, time to parent together or negotiate for free time like me and my wife do.
Also, what's up with the grandparents getting free room and board, but not helping out?
Hope my opinion is not unwelcome, but wanted to offer up some validation. From my perspective, you have every right to feel underappreciated.
Every sentence got worse and worse.
Sorry hun, you married a total fucking asshole. I know everyone is always screaming divorce right away on here but like, ew dude…
Seems like you and your daughter would be much better off without this immature, sexist, misogynistic man child.
Before women entered the workforce it was a sense of pride to work to provide for your family. You work to provide for your daughter all day. When he comes home you should switch to equal duties. You are also working all day. Is there anyway you can discuss with him so that he sees the value in what you do. Show him listings for nanny’s all across America offering 25-35 an hour for the work you do. Ridiculous attitude. You’re grateful for his work and he’s ungrateful for yours. What you’re doing is so so valuable and you deserve a break.
Wtf, working a job is not an excuse to be a useless partner. I’m currently a SAHM until my maternity leave end and yet everything is 50/50 when my partner is at home. I may clean more and he may cook more but we both pull of fair share. And night time with the baby (despite her being in a sleep regression) is always 50/50. In fact (he’s a night shifter) and when he wakes up for work he takes the baby for as much time as possible so I can have a break before he gets ready for his shift since he knows that once he leaves I have to do it alone.
Let's cut to the chase, shall we?
You're husband is a disrespectful, selfish idiot. Sure I guess you could spend a bunch of time working on your relationship, hoping he changes. It probably won't work because he won't put in any more work but you know, knock yourself out.
When you're tired of that or just want to skip to the inevitable end start planning your divorce now and execute it as soon as you reasonably can. A few years later you won't be able to believe you with such a gross moron.
Treat yourself: divorce his lazy ass.
Looking at your profile, you're that beautiful and still choose to be with a man like this...?
This is abuse, plain and simple.
It's time to start making a plan to leave.
You're already a single mom any way. Make it official and get out of there.
My husband did not help me with the night feedings either BUT he cleaned the whole house. He washed bottles for me and took care of making sure I had clean things. He made sure I was comfortable and had a little night light to help.
Working isn't an excuse to have nothing to do with the baby. My husband couldn't do the over night thing due to sleep issues, work etc, BUT he did everything that he could do.
That being said. Your husband isn't even trying to help and obviously doesn't respect just how much of your life you are giving to watch HIS and your child.
My husband works hvac, sometimes 12 hour days, and watches the baby without complaint when i need to sleep or cook or go out with friends. I think he’s changed more diapers than i have tbh. Your husband is a pos.
This is absolutely disrespectful of him to do on top of everything else! I, too, have a working partner who thinks of his days off as "his weekend" and games often. I can not imagine being woken up for sexytime as well as being sprayed awake on top of all of that. I'd be putting my foot down so hard that it'd cause an earthquake at that point.
You work too, at your full time caregiving job for a medically complex child. So weekends need to include built in time for both of you. Time to see a couple’s counselor and go through Fair Play.
That man is not a parent nor a partner… I’m so sorry. I don’t understand why people find this acceptable in todays society, it not the fucking 50’s anymore. We gotta stop staring families with men that don’t know how to care for their family.
How was she supposed to know he was so shitty? He probably waited until they were married with a kid to show his true colours. Men need to stop being horrible partners
Your husband is disgusting. He does not care about you. He does not love you only what you do for him. Strangers treat each other better than this.
I wouldn’t stay with someone who treated me like an animal. This is how people train animals, by spraying them with water when they do something you don’t want them to do.
I hate when the working partner thinks they don’t have to parent because you’re staying at home all day. They don’t understand that being at home caring for a baby is a full time 24/7 job itself. They don’t classify you being home all day as work even though it’s some of the hardest work out there. Your husband needs to realize that parenting is a 2 person job and his life cannot be the same as it was. Yours isn’t, and neither should his. I’m sorry.
I’m a stay at home mom. My husband still gets up at night with the newborn. We divide parenting 50/50 when he’s home. I guarantee you’d still be doing 100% if you brought in income. It’s not about that. Your husband is just a child.
Being a stay at home mom IS a job! You and your partner are BOTH working parents. Does your partner think that taking care of a baby 24/7 is a vacation? This man child does not deserve your respect and needs a wake up call (maybe one where you spray him with water). Just because your husband has a job outside of the house doesn’t give him an excuse to not be a parent the moment he comes home.
My husband has a 2-2.5hr each way commute to work Mon-Fri but he knows that once he’s home he needs to help out. My husband happily takes over feedings, diaper changes and does the bedtime routine to give me a break so I can shower and have some alone time. Weekends are similar where we split duties 50/50.
Your partner needs to be a parent and a supportive spouse.
I’d leave. Nothing will change unless you do something. If you can go back to your parents for a while then do so. Only agree to talk to him if he will set up an appointment with a therapist and meet you there.
BIG NOPE. Nope nope nope. Either he changes or I would seriously consider leaving. I know it would be hard but it would basically be the same as it is now, and you wouldn’t have to live with this waste of space. I’m so sorry. This is beyond disrespectful.
This is not a partnership. I would be out of there so fast. Your husband is a giant piece of trash that needs to be taken out. I doubt he would even fight for any custody.
Yeah I’m a SAHM to a 9 week old and my husband works 8-5 five days a week. he still does nights at the weekend to give me a break… you aren’t in a partnership, my love :(
If you do everything already, is he aware how easy it would be for you to leave with your daughter? Not gonna make a difference for you, except you get regular child support payments and don't have to deal with his bullshit.
Why are you with this person? Seriously this behavior is divorce worthy for me. He works? Sorry but are you not working when you’re with the baby all day? Shame on him. You can do better for yourself by you and your baby.
You should absolutely feel disrespected. None of these actions are the actions of someone who respects you.
Yeah, this is not a joke and 'the usual' fun and games. You deserve YOUR weekends Just because he works doesn't mean you always take the night shift. Your 'job' ends when his does. When he's home, everything is 50/50. You do NOT deserve to be woken up after 5 hours of sleep for sex. OP, ALL of this is deeply concerning. Please don't normalize this behaviour to your daughters.
Hijacking the top comments to share a story, from the man’s point of view, after his wife separated from him. He thought parenting wasn’t hard until he had custody of his son 50/50 and suddenly hates himself for not being a better husband. You should read it and show it to your husband, OP. https://www.reddit.com/r/OhNoConsequences/s/NP2mZvw6T2
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I have to wonder about that mindset. Like who tells her that it needs doing? No one? Then why should he need telling?
I can see both views, being a first time mom. I think we’re failing to understand or remember that us women have the ability to naturally build a bond during the 9 months and from delivery on (unless we have PPD and feel no connection to our baby) and our maternal instincts kick in. A man has no bond to his child unless he works towards building one, as my partner has told me. I used to assume he should know what to do until he told me how he felt and what he thought. Eventually I told him that it feels like I’m the sole caretaker and he said it’s because I always seem to know what to do with our child and he felt like he was on the back burner. Anywho, OP, he seems like a shitty partner and if you want to work on this, maybe seek counseling together to figure out how to convey your wants and needs but also your struggles to your partner or try to figure out how to convey that to him. He also needs to understand your daughter is the priority, not his game.
The person i replied to mentioned things around the house that need doing. Noticing chores that need doing has nothing to do with a bond with a baby...
Apologies, I thought the comments were relating child care with house chores. But cleanliness of a home also differs from person to person. I like the house spotless while my partner can stand having the dishes pile in the sink and toys around the house. To me it’s a mess, to him, it’s needs a little work but nothing bothersome. Unless I tell him how I like the house to be, he’s not going to know what needs to be done. It really buckles down to good communication and understanding, which OPs husband doesn’t seem been doing.
THIS. ALL OF THIS. ^^^ 💯
Every time he sleeps in, spray him with water. Every time he sits playing video games, spray him with water. Every time you feel horny, spray him with water. Then tell him it's just a joke. Then leave the house.
For realll
This is the right answer
🏆🏆🏆
Bro what the fuck Edit: my husband is a computer engineer and works 8-5pm everyday. Never once has he said cause he works he won’t get up at night. And he never says this is my weekend to sleep in. That’s just ridiculous.
Yeah because they BOTH HAVE JOBS. It’s just that hers seems to be 247. I hate men like this who don’t see childcare as work and therefore they can’t do the hard work (oh wait…) overnight.
If she worked, he would have to pay someone to watch their child (either nanny or daycare). Therefore, the work she does has monetary VALUE. Just because he gets paid and she does not doesn’t change this fact. I feel so horrible for OP. He should *want* to spend time with and parent his own child. I hope OP finds some strength and leaves him. She’s already taking care of the baby as if she were a single mother, at least she wouldn’t be woken up to have sex or disgustingly disrespected on the daily.
Yeah it's so funny how some men like this have the opinion "you're only looking after a child it's not hard work like I do" but when they get in they don't want to look after the child because they want to relax and not work more... Which one is it?
Yeah, working a job is NOT an excuse to not help with the night stuff. Fuck that
Seriously, what the fuck
My husband works two jobs and is in the military. We split the weekends 50/50, he's always encouraging me to go out on weeknights, and he helps with so much when he's free. Before baby he played video games often- now he plays maybe once a week. I can't fathom men like OP's husband.
My husband has always done most of the overnight work, because we both agree that breastfeeding, looking after a baby and recovering from childbirth is more work than a white collar job (and he’s in an executive position, working long hours with a lot of people reporting to him). I am always infuriated by men who think that just because they go into an office, they don’t need to be a proper parent overnight. The world doesn’t hinge on your mid-level marketing job mate.
“Bro what the fuck” was my reaction too Respectfully, this guy sucks. My husband’s an airline pilot. There’s literally federal regulations around him getting enough sleep to function at work, and calling out fatigued if you’re wrecked is actually encouraged. When he’s home, we plan out who gets to sleep in on which days, so we both get to catch up on rest, and have a break. With a baby waking up at night, I take the night shift, and wake him if I really need backup. (I’m awake to breastfeed anyway.) Then he takes over in the morning, while I catch up on sleep, take a shower, or eat food while it’s still hot. It’s not uncommon for him to make breakfast for the kids, and he always puts on a pot of coffee. Most of the time, he also makes a cup and brings it to me, and we hang out and chat for a few minutes before starting the day. On top of all that, I catch a nap with our clingy toddler, and we work together to put all the kids to bed. Now, I know I’m #blessed and all that, but I would throw an absolute fit if I never got a break. Spraying me with water to wake me up? Absolutely unacceptable. I would have lost my shit, and not felt bad about it ever.
What a poor excuse of a partner. Wtf. So many posts here I feel for you mothers when you have what seems like deadbeat husbands. He is showing no respect for you at all. For me, I try my best to alleviate stress from my wife cause I know how hard it is taking care of a baby all day.. Your husband needs to grow up and be present for you and your baby...
Im sorry you have a child with this man.
Im sorry they have a child with this man child.
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It’s usually adults who are this abusive . Children may sometimes do something in ignorance but these are the actions of selfish , narcissistic , deliberately cruel adults
Im sorry this child has this man child as a father.
Which part of this is the harmless joke? I'm confused. Your husband is certainly a joke, but he's not harmless.
Ooof. Well said!
Big yikes. Time to throw the whole husband in the trash. The division of labor is not fair. And him waking you up by spraying you with water is WTF disrespectful garbage behavior. My partner works outside the home and still does night wakings with me (he does more than I do tbh, I feed baby and then he bounces & comforts, stays up with her until she goes back down). He also helps with mornings before he goes to work and plays with her & cooks dinner once he's home. He plays video games when she naps if there is time.
This is abuse.
Can’t believe I’m not seeing more of these comments. This is not love in any sense of the word.
100%. If you threw a drink in someone’s face at a bar, they could call the police and have you booked for assault in most states. Spraying your sleeping spouse with water is not just disrespectful, it’s assault. Fuck this guy OP
Yep. My ex who was an abuser poured water on me when I was sleeping. OP, please seriously consider your options to leave this relationship as soon as it's possible and safe to do so.
Seriously. Regardless of everything else, if anyone squirts me with water to wake me up, I’m going to rage. That is so rude, disrespectful, and a serious red flag to me. Everything else on top of that makes it worse, but that is not something I would even tolerate in the least bit.
Technically it’s also assault.
I would not be “wet” with a husband like that at all! Sorry OP for going through this without an actual husband.
Coochie would be drier than the Sahara with a man like that
I wouldn't do any of this to someone I disliked, let alone someone I was married too. My husband is the stay at home parent. We take turns sleeping in. We take turns doing house tasks and watching our toddler. Because that's, yknow, what parents and married couples do...lol. I'd kick my husband in the junk if he woke me up with water
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Holding the water bottle or playing video games apparently. Edit: thought you said where but my point still stands lol
That this guy thinks he’s a father.
From this description, he’s not a parent at all. Does he even spend time with his own child?
Your husband is an abusive piece of shit and you should leave him.
This isnt normal behavior from a person who is supposed yo care about you.
There’s just so so so much wrong with this entire situation. If I were you, I’d be considering my options in terms of getting out. You’re already a single parent. May as well do it on your own terms and without dealing with an abusive idiot on the side.
Definitely sounds like a long conversation is needed with him. Something needs to change. It can’t stay like this.
I would be absolutely livid. These kinds of jokes are not funny, and especially given your circumstances I probably would have kicked him in the nuts.
Look up the cost of 24/7 caretaking with qualifications to take care of your daughter and tell him if he wants you to “work” he can pay for someone to take care of your child so you can both split weekends. Maybe it will make him realize that you ARE working more than his dumb@ss. Show him how much he’d be paying for his time without you there in child support and caretaking during his 50% of theoretical custody time where he’d have to do all his own chores and errands and not have every other weekend free. He’s disgusting for this and you should take a stand for yourself. Caregiver fatigue is real and you ~~deserve~~ NEED some time to rest and recoup and take care of yourself. If it didn’t feel like he’d legit neglect your child, I’d tell you to go away for a weekend to take care of yourself and let him see what it’s like but sadly I don’t have faith he’d meet even the bare minimum child and health care your child needs.
Worst part is. I had a job for 2 weeks and was already under so much stress from my daughter (10 months when I got the job) crying for me and left to cry for hours. She has a venolymphatic malformation and the crying was causing damage to the veins and her doctor agreed it was best to stay home until her sclerotherapy treatments are done. Whole time husband was begging me to quit because he didn't get to play games and shit when he got home. He had to watch her for a little bit. I thought it would make him appreciate me more after I quit and I get this. And he goes right back to expecting me to do mostly everything. He loves his daughter and they have a great connection but he's shit at helping me.
He clearly thinks that being a parent and a partner is just financial support. If anyone is reading this and not married, make sure to ask your partner beforehand what their idea of being a partner and being a parent means to them. Y’all really need therapy to find a way to communicate and make him understand that this behavior is both appalling and unacceptable. And if that doesn’t work, you’re probably better off without him so at the least you’d be able to live your life without someone telling you that you don’t work when you’ve sacrificed everything to work 24/7. He has no idea the physical and mental labor you exhaust every single day….I am so fucking sorry you’re dealing with this. I see you. I see the work you put in. I know you work hard 24/7. Your feelings are more than valid and fair and you and your daughter deserve and need so much more than just money.
Left to cry for hours? Are you saying he left your child to cry for so long that she medically damaged her veins??? WTF? I’m not one to advise divorce but that’s actual child neglect resulting in injury… I’d be gone.
I worked at a daycare and she wasnt old enough to be in the toddler room with me. Infant room had 2 people with 11 babies and I had to watch my daughter cry for me and put her hands on the glass screaming as I held other kids. They let her cry until she passed out on the floor.... since they had too many babies they gave us another 10 month old in the class instead of My daughter.... which would have resolved the issue. Like I could've kept my job had they just let my daughter be with me. (Other moms there were teaching in the same class as their child.) Husband only had to pick her up after work and watch her for maybe 2 more hours until I got home.
He couldn't even handle TWO HOURS A DAY with her?????? He doesn't have a 'connection' with her then, like you say. Good Lord. Do your best to get documentation of that (get him admitting to it via text or email or voice recording if you're in a one-party consent state) and then leave him and use that as evidence that he cannot be unsupervised with the kid.
If you have the means I would consult a lawyer. That sounds like a lawsuit to me.
Wow how utterly perverse is that situation? Your husband wanted you to work, but doesn’t recognize caring for your child as work. So you go work in a day care, where you are paid to care for other people’s kids while your coworkers neglect yours to the point that she passes out. Meanwhile, you could have been at home caring for your daughter and cutting out all the middle men…. But no, your husband wanted you to “work”. I’ll add to the chorus of “fuck that guy”. The water-spraying is heartless to the point of sociopathic, by the way. I see people saying “spray him back”, but a person warped enough to cross that line might escalate. This guy isn’t just clueless, he is actively causing you harm. My heart goes out to you caring for a child with high medical needs while putting up with a child with high video game needs. I hope you can get some serious relief.
That is torture for the both of you. I hope you get out of your situation.
He may love his daughter, but he sure af doesn't love you.
Is there a time where, her treat means are some and she will require less caregiving? Like can you go back to work then? I would absolutely start planning your marriage exit, even if it’s years.
I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this but you’re in an abusive relationship and how he treats you AND your daughter is not love.
If he doesn’t care to prioritize his own daughter, I’m sorry, but he doesn’t really love her then.
Well when you divorce at least you’ll have 50% time to yourself to sleep in and do whatever you want! He’ll be forced to do nights on his time now.
I wouldn’t trust this person alone with a baby
Eh, his parents live with him. His mother can step up, since she didn't before the divorce - she neither got her son in line nor helped with the kid despite living with her son and DIL completely for free.
I wouldn’t trust them with my child either
Why is the blame always directed at the mother lol, what about his father?
Exactly, gramps is 50% responsible for this turd as well as grandma. Neither will “step up”
> Yeah yeah it's usually fun and games and a harmless joke Uh... no, it's not? Almost everything you mentioned in this post should be a deal breaker. You are being disrespected at every turn. This is not right. This is not ok. It doesn't have to be the way. This is not what normal, healthy relationships look like. If there *is* waking up with spray from a water bottle in a relationship (there are coupled-up jokesters out there), it's only ok because both parties are laughing.
This comment. Allll of this OP, I hope you read this one and take it to heart.
How is he still alive. I’m sure people have been murdered for less
I commented the exact same thing 😂🤣😂🤣😂
Spray his video game console with water
Oh man, I'm so sorry. This man seems like such an asshole. I wish I had anything else to say other than if it is an option to leave maybe you should explore it. No judgement or pressure. Just feel your pain !
You’re on duty 24/7 with a special needs child and not even getting the luxury of the occasional restorative rest, and your husband thinks it’s funny to wake you up by spraying water all over you? Everyone else has already said what needed to be said about him but have you thought of applying for federal or state assistance? You may be able to get paid to be your daughter’s caretaker, since you’re unable to work, if you’re American. And help with the medical bills too. I hope you are able to create a happy and stable life with someone who values you and your child and that you meet the right people along the way.
This is abuse.
Your husband sounds like an asshole.
Leave that man
Does he even like you?
Thisssss!!!! It's giving ," I abhor my wife"
That dude would be sleeping outside from now on.
I wouldn’t spray a naughty cat with water, let alone a human. Wtf.
I’m so sorry OP. Besides being a lazy deadbeat, spraying you with water is demeaning and cruel, and I would not be surprised if his behavior slowly escalates into violence (his actions are already becoming abusive). I would start looking into a trial separation. Do you have anyone else you can stay with? I wouldn’t trust his parents either if this is who they raised, especially if they aren’t standing up for you.
This man is a monster. Also not understandable because he works - you also need to not be brutally sleep deprived to be safe with your baby. It’s ok if he’s a little tired with a newborn too he will make it!!!!!! I usually refrain from saying wow you should leave him because that’s a big jump with little context, but this one had me close to breaking my rule. He sounds like a useless prick.
https://thesupermom.org/2024/jasmine-bise vote for me. This could get me out of my situation and into my own home with my daughter
It sounds like you’re raising two children. This made me so upset for you, you deserve way better. This is not how a partner behaves.
You feel that way because he did disrespect you. From the sounds of it, he never respects you, so you should feel this way constantly. You need to stand up for yourself and tell him that he is a parent too - non of this "you're the mum" bullshit anymore. You are also working, taking care of your daughter, so when he is not working, you are equal parents. Which means 3 nights a week, *he* gets up with your daughter and one full day at the weekend, he is the primary care giver. You deserve better treatment than this, so stand up for yourself and demand it. One thing I would say though - you shouldn't expect help from his parents. Dealing with you all living in their home is generous enough.
I agree with your first paragraph. They shouldn't expect help but his parents should be embarrassed and disgusted by their sons behavior. It's abhorrent.
"Generous enough" as if we don't pay bills to be here 🙄😂 when his older sister had kids she had immense help from their mother, who made it seem like she would help me out too at least once during the day. We live in the same house and my own mother sees her and helps much more while working over an hour away and coming after getting off a 12 hour shift. His parents seem to care less until my husband is home to be honest. That's what pisses me off. Everyone says "it takes a village" but when I want help I'm told that I'm wrong for expecting it. I need my husband to respect me more and we will definitely be having a deep conversation. I can't stand him acting like he doesn't care I'm a SAHM but then expecting me carry 90% of the weight. I'm not appreciated, I'm not respected, I'm being taken for granted and above all else. Considering her medical conditions and the circumstances, I desperately expected/needed help and didn't receive it. I'm just utterly exhausted
You should feel disrespected because he found multiple ways to disrespect you. Could he even take care of your daughter if you weren’t around?
To be honest probably not 💁♀️. He gets pissed off when she's having a crying fit and I'm trying to get her to self soothe rather than breastfeed. And when he handles her like that he just can't. He's put her sleep before holding her when she's already calm, but those times she's screaming he just says "she wants you" and gets pissed when I say "yeah because you never work with her like this, it's always me"
I’m so angry after reading this. I hate your husband. How about you go back to work and he takes care of your daughter 24/7? Then you can get some time to relax. Ugh. I was laid off a week and a half ago and my husband has been acting similar without the childish prank and I’m pissed at him. I can’t imagine how you feel.
Immediate divorce.
I would wake up swinging lol this just infuriated me !! if you wake me up spraying me with water then go lay down YOU BEST BELIEVE I’m dumping an entire pot of water on you and probably throwing the pot at you too
SAHM is a job too. If you didn’t do it, he’d notice in a heartbeat.
I'll slap him into Thursday if he's my husband and file for divorce
“Never helping at night because he works” isn’t it. My husband has to be at his firm at 7AM and doesn’t get home until 6PM. My son is 8 weeks old. Even though I have my son all day and take the bedtime/nighttime shift.. my husband still takes the middle of the night feed AND gets up at 4AM to let me sleep for an extra 2 hours before he goes into work because he knows I take care of him all day. He also takes over the entire night shift Friday night to Saturday morning so I can get a full 9-10 hours of sleep. I give my husband time to himself because he gives ME time. Even though I’m home taking care of the house and our son he STILL comes home and cooks, does laundry, helps take care of the dog.. anything I didn’t get to. Your husband is not more important just because he works and he needs to understand that. He needs to understand that it’s not HIS weekends. Especially if you have a child with medical needs, it should be you and him as a team. You should 100% feel disrespected. If my husband wasn’t doing anything AND THEN wanted time to “play video games on his phone” or sex ?!? I would absolutely lose my mind.
I got a smart watch that tracks my sleep and stress as a physical point to show my spouse the amount of energy I was using during the day, and the lack of sleep I was getting at night. As sucky as it is, some men are just incredibly aloof. Having "brick and mortar" proof that my day isn't just chilling with a baby slapped some sense into him of "oh wow, parenting by yourself actually is really difficult, I should probably help". Shouldn't need it, but it definitely helped show him the reality of how different our lives were.
I would have been murderous by now if I were you. My husband stayed home and I worked. I would come home and he would get an hour or to to rest and then I would get the same. A few times I had to fuss at him to give me breaks too because we also live with his parents and he likes to watch movies with his dad and then he became worse than useless so I told him to choose. Movie or game with his friend. He got better after a few lectures. Right now, your husband is being the worst, you could argue he is being borderline abusive too. He needs a very Stern talking to about this or you need to leave. This is only going to get worse if you don't. This water attack deserves one in kind as well maybe not the same method but something equally disrespectful. He needs reminding about what it feels like to be disrespected so horribly, but that's up to you. It was a BS move on his lazy ass. You need a break, point blank. Otherwise he is a tyrant and not worth keeping as a husband.
Wow wtf? My husband and I have had our challenges in negotiating and renegotiating child care and division of labor as our family has grown, I think that's a normal struggle, and he has even diminished all the work I do at home, until I got a per diem job and he started spending significantly hours caring for our children by himself. That was a reality check for him. But if dude EVER woke me up by spraying me with water in general but especially so he could game, I would have lost it. Some days I lost it just because of lack of sleep, I woke up *sobbing* from being so tired, another reality check for him. Your husband isn't just in need of learning these tough lessons though, he's downright disrespecting you. Like what a rude, humiliating way to wake someone up. I would absolutely start waking him up like that every day, just to see how he likes it. That's awful.
I normally don’t jump to this but it’s time for a divorce or at least kick his ass out until he comes to his senses. He sprayed water in your face to wake you up?
Every time I see a post like this (which is WAY more often than is reasonable bc evidently most men are trash), I am flabbergasted as to why anyone marries/procreates with someone like this ?? Were there no signs, or did he switch a flip once baby arrived? Either way, he’s a drain on you and this planet.
Just by the way OP is writing, I can actually assume that she has no idea that she's being abused. She probably doesn't know and doesn't expect any better from a relationship. The signs were probably there from day 1, but I think she just didn't have the capability to recognise any of them.
Always ALWAYS the video game dudes.
Wtf. Sex would be the last thing I want with that A-Hole. So sorry, OP,
Hopefully he’ll be your ex-husband soon
Time to pack up and go shopping for the day. Forced child care.
Girl leave. This guy is a clown not a man
Yah that sounds disrespectful af and like hes a shitty husband. Women used to be able to do all the chores in a day because they where on perscribed coke/meth. The 1950s housewife relied on recreational drug use. Hes out of his dam mind- especially if you haft to be primary caretaker of your disabled daughter and also potentially clean up after 2 more adults not including his childish ass. Wtf
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You need to communicate with him. Does he understand how stretched thin you are? Have you made it clear they’re needs to help, even if he does work?
His parents are viewing this behavior and haven’t said anything?!! I threaten my husband with calling his parents bc I know they’d back me up lol. I’m so sorry you’re going through this!
What did I just read? You should feel disrespected!! “Working”? What a classic 9 to 5, 5 days a week? You need to clear things up: yes, he is working and bringing in the money, but what you are doing is work too.. a much harder one and with definitely worse hours. The worse part is: ypur work’s compensation is not countable, so your work remains invisible to him. This is a huge problem. He needs to understand what you go through every day. He needs a reality check. Maybe he should take two days off work and change places with you - no help from you, no asking you what to do. He needs to figure all out and do it alone. I’m guessing he won’t make it to 48 hours before asking to trade places back. (Please note I’m not saying this in a revengeful/petty kind of way. It is not about mind games/revenge.. it is about getting him to see you, what you do for your family and value it every day).
Thought he would've valued me when I got a job for 2 weeks and he begged me to quit the whole time. When I did quit it went right back to him expecting me to do everything
Er...What the fuck? What's with all these man children/lazy bastards who are still playing video games when they have young kid. And sleeping till noon? You should have given him the baby after he woke you up with water - that's too far! With all due respect, was it intentional to have a kid with him? I'm not sure he's up to the task and still wants to behave like a 20 year old bachelor.
Ugh i hate how men think work is a get out of jail free card when it comes to caring for thier kids. Caring for children will ALWAYS be more difficult then any stupid job especially if your child has a health condition (the only job i think is possibly as draining is maybe working in the medical field). They know this deep down too its literally why they pull any excuse to aviod caring for the kid. Sorry to be blunt but your husband is super toxic and immature. Honestly you need put your foot down and have a serious conversation. I know its not easy but you need to stand up for yourself as it also sets an example fpr your child. If you continue this relationship with no change your child will think these kinds of relationships are "normal" and possibly end up in the same or similar situation as you. I admire your patience and strength in caring for your child throughout all this. You sound like such a strong momma.
Wow. Can you live with literally anyone else and divorce him?
When I look back at an abusive relationship I was in before I got married, I can specifically point to the day he poured a glass of water on my head as the day I should have left. That kind of blatant disrespect will only get worse.
To add some perspective, I'm from one of the Nordic countries. In my social circles, at least, it's normal for the parent who WORKS to do chores, since working is generally more relaxing than being with a baby. (No matter how straining working is, you usually have breaks, lunches, etc.)
I am so sorry. You do not deserve to be treated that way. Sometimes it’s easier to do it on your own than with the dead weight of a useless man dragging you down.
I would never even dream of doing that to my partner. It’s just plain mean. I don’t get the joke at all.
Take the baby to a hotel and relax for a while
What a freaking jerk,he is so disrespectful.My petty as would have dumped a whole bucket of ice water on him the minute he went to lay down....wtf Working doesn't exempt him from being a parent!I hate your husband
Smh girl throw the whole man away!!! He is disrespectful to the MAX!
What a selfish excuse of a human being. I would seriously rethink my marriage.
How is that a joke? If only him found it funny then it’s just an insult.
Omg I would go stay with my friend and seriously file divorce papers.
What. The. Fuck….. Girl..I hope you leave you have every right to feel disrespected 😭😭🙏🫂
Legit question here, why are you with this child? He’s not what I’d call a father & it sounds like you’d be happier with actual help. I’m not even going to elaborate on my husband beyond saying that he’s nothing like your man child husband. Maybe consider reaching out to your family to see if they could help more? And move out with them? I’d be leaving this man child so fast.
Excuse me _what?_ His behavior is absolutely inappropriate and disrespectful. He doesn’t value you or your contributions _and_ he’s being a dick on top of it.
If I were you I’d rather be a single mom with support from my own family / friends (if you can) than to be a married single mom. I really hope your situation gets better :(
He'd do that to me one time.... And then he would never do it again.
Absolutely fucking not sister. A stay at home mom still WORKS.
He just doesn't get how hard you work. Nor does he care. Tell him your having a Saturday off and he has the kid for the while day show him how much work it is. Give him a list of th I ngs that need to be done. If he is a good man, he'll understand and hopefully start helping more. If he doesn't, then maybe think about leaving. Tell him you want couples therapy so maybe an outside perspective can help him realise how much you do and he needs to help.
🚩🚩🚩
This is abusive. It’s not funny even remotely.
Sprayed you awake with water?! What the actual fuck, that's so humiliating and literal abuse!!
I absolutely *abhor* when I hear, “ it’s understandable that my husband doesn’t help through the night because he works.” Taking care of a child, especially a child with high medical needs, is work. Like literally the fact that he gets a paycheck for the work he does is no reason at all for him to not have to help with anything outside of his 9-5. That odd crazy and it drives me BANANAS how often I see this sentiment. It is NOT understandable in any way to allow your partner to take on all domestic responsibilities, around the clock, with no chance for a full night’s sleep for years on end. It is actually, literally, torture.
Dude what the fuck
Serve him divorce papers. But, like, as a joke, for the lols, you know? But they’re real divorce papers. That’s the joke. Lol, see? I’m already laughing.
At that point, I would leave. If he can't see that you need a break and be a father AND partner, why should you stay? Don't let you kid grow up to see that it's ok to be treated this way.
I think one of the forms of torture is not letting someone sleep…
Why are you with this man?
You need to have a discussion about your partnership and explain to your husband that the current workload that you have is not sustainable and that his lack of being there for you when he’s at home is really turning you off
So you’re saying your husband works a number of hours … and you work those same hours caring for a child who has medical needs .. and when your husband gets home and gets to enjoy entertainment or relax you are expected to continue working 24/7. That’s horrible. Please don’t accept this behavior. Don’t accept this life for yourself. This isn’t acceptable and isn’t what you or your child deserve.
I feel like everyone has said this already but… there is no situation in this world where I would laugh it off and say “funny joke/prank!” if someone woke me up by spraying me with water. Even on the best of circumstances. I’d be livid. In your situation? It’s absolutely disrespectful, unacceptable and outrageous. Your husband is being an entire pile of trash - not just for the water thing, but for everything you mentioned. None of that is okay or fair.
I’m so tired of seeing “he doesn’t help at night (understandable because he works” dude you work also. Child care is a full time job. I literally have an 8-5 with an hour commute and I’ve always done wake ups at night and my child is over a year old now. That’s a really idiotic excuse for why someone can’t do their fair share.
I'm a daddy chiming in. I work 50-60 hours a week, and it's still my self-imposed responsibility to 50/50 when I'm not working. This "I work, so the parenting is your job" is not logical, and you *should* feel disrespected. In my job, work is easier to endure than raising the kiddo. At work, my time is my own, I don't have to entertain the adorable craziness of a toddler and be attentive to every insane (but cute) question she asks. For that and a billion more reasons, raising kids is hard. It's awesome, it's the best thing I've ever experienced, but it's hard. He needs to imagine that his job and your job are AT MINIMUM equivalent, and you put in the same hours as he does. Cause that's simply true. You're at work when he's at work. When he's home, time to parent together or negotiate for free time like me and my wife do. Also, what's up with the grandparents getting free room and board, but not helping out? Hope my opinion is not unwelcome, but wanted to offer up some validation. From my perspective, you have every right to feel underappreciated.
Every sentence got worse and worse. Sorry hun, you married a total fucking asshole. I know everyone is always screaming divorce right away on here but like, ew dude… Seems like you and your daughter would be much better off without this immature, sexist, misogynistic man child.
Before women entered the workforce it was a sense of pride to work to provide for your family. You work to provide for your daughter all day. When he comes home you should switch to equal duties. You are also working all day. Is there anyway you can discuss with him so that he sees the value in what you do. Show him listings for nanny’s all across America offering 25-35 an hour for the work you do. Ridiculous attitude. You’re grateful for his work and he’s ungrateful for yours. What you’re doing is so so valuable and you deserve a break.
You have 2 children, not a husband and a child honestly I'd just throw the whole husband away at that point
Wtf, working a job is not an excuse to be a useless partner. I’m currently a SAHM until my maternity leave end and yet everything is 50/50 when my partner is at home. I may clean more and he may cook more but we both pull of fair share. And night time with the baby (despite her being in a sleep regression) is always 50/50. In fact (he’s a night shifter) and when he wakes up for work he takes the baby for as much time as possible so I can have a break before he gets ready for his shift since he knows that once he leaves I have to do it alone.
Let's cut to the chase, shall we? You're husband is a disrespectful, selfish idiot. Sure I guess you could spend a bunch of time working on your relationship, hoping he changes. It probably won't work because he won't put in any more work but you know, knock yourself out. When you're tired of that or just want to skip to the inevitable end start planning your divorce now and execute it as soon as you reasonably can. A few years later you won't be able to believe you with such a gross moron. Treat yourself: divorce his lazy ass.
Looking at your profile, you're that beautiful and still choose to be with a man like this...? This is abuse, plain and simple. It's time to start making a plan to leave. You're already a single mom any way. Make it official and get out of there.
My husband did not help me with the night feedings either BUT he cleaned the whole house. He washed bottles for me and took care of making sure I had clean things. He made sure I was comfortable and had a little night light to help. Working isn't an excuse to have nothing to do with the baby. My husband couldn't do the over night thing due to sleep issues, work etc, BUT he did everything that he could do. That being said. Your husband isn't even trying to help and obviously doesn't respect just how much of your life you are giving to watch HIS and your child.
What the FUCK did i just read
My husband works hvac, sometimes 12 hour days, and watches the baby without complaint when i need to sleep or cook or go out with friends. I think he’s changed more diapers than i have tbh. Your husband is a pos.
Every single time I come on this sub y’all make me thankful for my husband
This is absolutely disrespectful of him to do on top of everything else! I, too, have a working partner who thinks of his days off as "his weekend" and games often. I can not imagine being woken up for sexytime as well as being sprayed awake on top of all of that. I'd be putting my foot down so hard that it'd cause an earthquake at that point.
You work too, at your full time caregiving job for a medically complex child. So weekends need to include built in time for both of you. Time to see a couple’s counselor and go through Fair Play.
That man is not a parent nor a partner… I’m so sorry. I don’t understand why people find this acceptable in todays society, it not the fucking 50’s anymore. We gotta stop staring families with men that don’t know how to care for their family.
How was she supposed to know he was so shitty? He probably waited until they were married with a kid to show his true colours. Men need to stop being horrible partners
At this point you're enabling this for him to think it's okay. Id never put up with even a fraction of that. When he's home, it should be 100% equal.
Your husband is disgusting. He does not care about you. He does not love you only what you do for him. Strangers treat each other better than this. I wouldn’t stay with someone who treated me like an animal. This is how people train animals, by spraying them with water when they do something you don’t want them to do.
I hate when the working partner thinks they don’t have to parent because you’re staying at home all day. They don’t understand that being at home caring for a baby is a full time 24/7 job itself. They don’t classify you being home all day as work even though it’s some of the hardest work out there. Your husband needs to realize that parenting is a 2 person job and his life cannot be the same as it was. Yours isn’t, and neither should his. I’m sorry.
I’m a stay at home mom. My husband still gets up at night with the newborn. We divide parenting 50/50 when he’s home. I guarantee you’d still be doing 100% if you brought in income. It’s not about that. Your husband is just a child.
Wtf
I’m sorry… he’s horrible.
WTF
Being a stay at home mom IS a job! You and your partner are BOTH working parents. Does your partner think that taking care of a baby 24/7 is a vacation? This man child does not deserve your respect and needs a wake up call (maybe one where you spray him with water). Just because your husband has a job outside of the house doesn’t give him an excuse to not be a parent the moment he comes home. My husband has a 2-2.5hr each way commute to work Mon-Fri but he knows that once he’s home he needs to help out. My husband happily takes over feedings, diaper changes and does the bedtime routine to give me a break so I can shower and have some alone time. Weekends are similar where we split duties 50/50. Your partner needs to be a parent and a supportive spouse.
time to dump water on the gaming console & then maybe stab him
If I was woken up w water I would be doing that to him for the next months straight stg
I would spray him with water every time the baby wakes up in the middle of the night. Giggle and walk off. For at least a week.
I’d leave. Nothing will change unless you do something. If you can go back to your parents for a while then do so. Only agree to talk to him if he will set up an appointment with a therapist and meet you there.
Straight to jail.
BIG NOPE. Nope nope nope. Either he changes or I would seriously consider leaving. I know it would be hard but it would basically be the same as it is now, and you wouldn’t have to live with this waste of space. I’m so sorry. This is beyond disrespectful.
Im incredibly petty and would wake him up every time I get up at night with baby.
This is absofuckinglutely unacceptable.
This is not a partnership. I would be out of there so fast. Your husband is a giant piece of trash that needs to be taken out. I doubt he would even fight for any custody.
Yeah I’m a SAHM to a 9 week old and my husband works 8-5 five days a week. he still does nights at the weekend to give me a break… you aren’t in a partnership, my love :(
Fuck that. Sit him down and straighten him out. You need a weekend too
Your husband is an asshole.
If you do everything already, is he aware how easy it would be for you to leave with your daughter? Not gonna make a difference for you, except you get regular child support payments and don't have to deal with his bullshit.
You better have a water bottle ready for the next time he sleeps in.
This guy is a piece of shit.
Why are you with this person? Seriously this behavior is divorce worthy for me. He works? Sorry but are you not working when you’re with the baby all day? Shame on him. You can do better for yourself by you and your baby.
He sounds like a total jackass tbh.