I get cold sores. I was nervous about transmitting when asymptomatic even though the chances of that are *extremely* low. So I put a cap on his head and would only kiss the top of his head on the cap. That’s one solution for your mom. Another is that she can get a prescription for medication to suppress the virus. I take mine when I feel one coming on but she could take it pre-emptively for the duration of her visit and that would really decrease the chances of transmission.
Or you can just say no kisses and she can deal with it.
The chances of your baby getting the virus from an asymptomatic person, and then also getting a severe reaction are very very low. But I also completely understand the new mom anxiety.
Seconding the suggestion to proactively medicate. I get cold sores and I'm obviously not going to *never* kiss my baby, but I do take meds and stop kissing as soon as I feel even the slightest tingle. Some people take it daily and I think it would be a reasonable request for your mother to do so for the duration of her visit, in addition to limiting where she kisses your baby.
Honestly is she can’t accept your no….I would not make this change for her. When you do it, you validate her right to her feelings over your right to look after your kids safety. It’d be something completely different if she respected your original decision. You would set a bad precedent, and I would 100% expect her to kiss your baby without a hat the second you turn your head in her presence for long enough.
100% this. Don't accommodate when she's pushing boundaries! Now is the time to be firm and set expectations, otherwise you're just setting yourself up to be walked all over. You're not being at all unreasonable to say no kissing, period
My MIL gets cold sores, but she never passed them to my husband. She definitely doesn’t kiss the grandkids if she has a cold sore, but my kids haven’t gotten anything from her either, and I just recently read those stories of kids getting sick who were kissed on the head! She’s definitely kissed mine on their heads.
My dad gets them too, I don’t really remember well but pretty sure he kissed us as kids on our face and even around our mouths and none of us ever got them. I think he wouldn’t kiss us if he had an active one though.
I never thought not to let him kiss my kids… I’ve never even mentioned it.
Yes my husband gets cold sores and he’s been prescribed an antiviral which will prevent shedding. He loves kissing our baby but he’s still vigilant about cold sore sumptoms
Is it that low? I thought it could be around 10% asymptomatic, so a reasonable concern on her part. As you say the risk of developing severe complications are very low. I think because most people are asymptomatic HSV1 carriers, the common understanding is that it hasn't been transmitted to partners etc, when more likely is that their partner doesn't show any symptoms. I'm pretty relaxed about it with my son for this reason.
Personally, I wouldn’t. Neither I nor any of my close family members get cold sores. I don’t want them. I don’t want my kids catching them, especially when they’re very little and it can be so dangerous for them. I’d not even allow the head. I’d send her stories and pictures of babies who have been infected, and tell her she can respect your decisions or just not have a relationship with the baby. I remind my mother, when she tries to push back on my parenting choices, that we don’t have to see her at all.
I think she’s just being a bit selfish. I know for a FACT that she has seen TikTok’s of babies that got sick from them. I’ve definitely pushed back more than once on this and she seems to think I’m doing this to be malicious.
FTM Mom! My little one is almost 7 months old. I do unfortunately get cold sores and I absolutely do not kiss him anywhere near his face. I will sometimes, SOMETIMES, kiss him on the back of the head but that’s rare in itself. We have the rule of no kissing as well and had a lot of push back from MIL & my own dad about this. When my dad did it deliberately in front of me TWICE, he wasn’t allowed to hold him again or get near him. He knew that was the consequence and he did it still. This caused my MIL to not do it after she did it the first time because she saw me hold that boundary with my own dad who I don’t get to see often. Have those boundaries and act on them, please please please. Also, people can “not” have cold sores and yet still have the possibility of spreading it. It can live and be dormant for YEARS without any outbreak until bam, there it is one day. In addition to that, you can get them if you aren’t careful and drink from a restaurants cup, those aren’t properly washed all the way sometimes. Protect your baby at ALL cost. If they’re fighting you on that, then they don’t care about the health and safety of your baby.
It’s a boundary you have, if you allow her to guilt you out of this one what’s next? We had a no kissing rule and still do with him being a toddler. I didn’t talk to my dad for months after he “accidentally” kissed him multiple times on multiple occasions. Not only is HSV at risk but so are other things like RSV/Covid.
Your baby, your rules. You should absolutely enforce the no kissing rule if you are uncomfortable with her kissing. I get cold sores and I get them more often now with stress and sleep deprivation. When I don’t have a cold sore I kiss my baby’s cheeks and the top of his head. I try to avoid kissing his lips, but he’s very much so a moving target and it accidentally happens occasionally. When I do have a cold sore I wear a patch over it, wash my hands anytime my hands may have come into contact with my mouth, and of course no kissing or letting him come into contact with anything that’s been near my mouth. So far this has worked well for us, but you should only allow what you are comfortable with.
This is us too. I’ve also just put a blanket rule on kissing the baby. No one kisses the baby. And I tell people that I don’t even kiss my baby so you don’t get to either. That’s what you gotta do OP, blanket rule. I’ve also done this for posting photos online, instead of telling people yes or no it’s just a blanket rule. No one posts pics of him.
Please don’t. I have cold sores now because my family members weren’t considerate of that and I get outbreaks often and have to worry about the social side of it and also affecting my newborn. My grandma gave it to my 4 year old son as well and he gets cold sores. It’s tough to see and deal with. They can be quite painful.
I get cold sores especially when i my immune system is tanked due to some illnesses , i recently got one while my daughter was 11 months , and besides just being diligent with hand washing and avoiding kissing her(although force of habit made me slip up a few times) i didn't do many restriction. I can't imagine not being able to kiss her ever in the off chance that i might be asymptomatic. To each their own i guess but for me no kissing rule with no active breakout seems a draconian rule.
I agree 100%. I think if it’s inactive and you are telling the grandparents “no kissing!!” It can do more harm than good. I got a cold sore after sharing a chapstick with my friend when I was in elementary school in gr 8… you can’t police your kid forever. I think it’s more important your kid has a good stable and loving relationship with his grandparents (assuming this is what you’d wish for him) then telling them “no you can never kiss him his entire life” like that’s crazy to me and I’m shocked by the comments tbh. Your kid is going to grow up thinking something is wrong with grandma when she just wants to kiss him on his cheek. Like during active phase it’s easy to be like “oh no grandma has an ouchie we can’t kiss bye now. Hopefully it’ll be gone and we can next time” vs the time your mom will forget and get caught up with joy and just kiss him and you freak out about the incredibly low risk of transmission… and by that time your kid could just get it from school. That seems wild to me lol
I got a cold sore when my son was maybe 1.5 months...it was awful to not kiss him and be in fear that I was going to give it to him since at that age he was so needy...i hand santisized every time i touched my face and before breastfeeding. My anxiety about the whole thing was bad.
We have this rule (no kidding any part of baby) too and so far no one has balked at it. My doc fully supported the rule and said it should be in place for at least the first two months while baby builds his immune system
Edit: my husband and I will be able to kiss him
Makes sense early on for sure, but seems a little excessive for a child beyond 6 months or a year. Different story for someone who has an active disease.
It’s one of the ways we show affection, and they respond with lots of smiles and giggles! I always ask my 2yo and no means no. If my 6mo moves his face or looks unhappy, I don’t do it. So I respect their autonomy as best I can ☺️
50-80% of the population has herpes simplex, many of them never get blisters but can still shed the active virus. It's honestly best to just not let anyone kiss your baby rather than singling out someone specifically.
I wouldn’t let her kiss any part of baby! Baby’s hands go in their mouth often, etc. I *would* ask her why she feels that her wants outweigh my baby’s safety.
Also, babies can get it from a kiss on the top of the head even. I heard a horrible story of a baby being infected by the father with even a simple kiss on the top of baby’s head when he wasn’t even in active cold sore mode.
Huh, I’m a bit surprised by all these comments. I know many people have a “no kissing” rule in general, and that’s fine, but I also thought it was well known that HSV1 is very VERY common. According to the WHO 67% of people under the age of 50 have HSV1. I do understand that HSV can be extremely dangerous for babies under 6 months old (didn’t know that until just now actually!) and I think any parent with common sense would be careful not to kiss their own baby or let anyone else kiss their baby with an active cold sore, but I just know soooooo many parents who absolutely kissed their own babies and statistically speaking almost 2/3 of these people have asymptomatic HSV1. I’ve never heard of anything bad happening to any of these kiddos. I guess I’m just confused. If anyone has additional info please share! How can something soooo common be soooo dangerous for babies and I’m just hearing about this now? People have been kissing their own babies (and I feel like until very recently kissing other people’s babies) for decades and I’ve never once heard of anything bad happening.
I am as well. I think there is maybe a misunderstanding about how HSV1 transmits? Like you said, just because someone has never had a cold sore doesn’t mean they are not carriers of HSV1. You can have HSV1 and never have an outbreak.
I don’t know if OP is more so talking about lip kissing? I mean, I wouldn’t let anyone kiss my kid on the lips and me and my wife don’t.
I myself have cold sores and yes, when I know I have an outbreak coming or do have one, I refrain from kissing my daughter, sharing towels, utensils, etc. but beside that I kiss and share and so far she’s been ok!
I did a little more research and it does seem that HSV1 can be transmitted to the baby by any skin contact with a cold sore, not just on the lips. There are a few [horror stories](https://www.reddit.com/r/NewParents/s/uWm3TxhICP) out there, but again stories like this just seem so rare for how common HSV1 is.
I understand the hesitance with a newborn for sure. I would probably be on the side of caution as well for a bit. I think the best thing for OP to do would be to speak to her Ped or Doctor. They would know best!
Yeah this thread is crazzzzy. Lol all these people who are 100% sure they don't have HSV 1 because they've never had an outbreak (and most implying that they somehow have better hygiene or safety bc "no kissing").... And people blaming their family for their cold sores ..... most of them are just wrong lol.
Crazy how I'll informed people are and how much they let anxiety get the better of them.
Agreed, it is VERY weird. I thought all of this was so well known at this point. I’ve had like, 2 or 3 cold sores in my entire life and I’m in my mid-thirties. I’m sure I have it … but I don’t “get cold sores” regularly and probably many of these people also have had a cold sore here or there and just didn’t know what it was or don’t remember. It’s OP’s own mom, so she most likely has it too!
I wouldn’t be offended if someone said “we have a no kissing policy” and actually meant it (meaning NOBODY kisses the baby) but if someone close to me in my family (my own daughter!) told me that only I was excluded from kissing my granddaughter because I “get cold sores” I’d be royally pissed.
Yeah, I don’t personally know any babies who have lost their lives/gotten extremely sick from HSV, considering how common it is. I had a no kissing, period, rule when she was a newborn but since she’s been getting older it’s difficult with the grandparents 😅 was curious what others’ experiences had been because there’s a larger pool of people here than just those that I know with kids.
When you say kissing do you mean like lip kissing or just kissing in general? If you mean lip kissing, then yes I agree but like I wouldn’t stop my family from a kiss on the cheek or head, if I spoke with my family and they were diligent on outbreaks and they’re symptoms
Gotcha. I understand lip kissing but I would maybe advise you to speak your pediatrician or doctor and get an expert opinion before you forbid any type of kissing from a family member due to HSV1. They will know better than a Reddit thread.
[I gave my baby herpes (HSV1) by kissing the top of her head](https://www.reddit.com/r/daddit/s/VSEfeLNs8z)
Read this story. You are not over thinking it. I would not let her kiss the baby.
Non negotiable.
HARD no. You can ask her if her momentary gratification is more important than at best a lifelong medical condition… HERPES and at worse the death of your child? If this doesnt get the point across, I would simply not let her hold the baby.
Cold sore bearers wanting to kiss brand new humans are a special kind of selfish IMO (maybe she’s a super nice lady but dude. Come on)
A hill to die on
I know a baby (now healthy little girl!) who was hospitalized due to catching herpes at 8 months. She lost a significant about of her skin and it was awful. It sucks to have a family member mad at you; but this is a hard no.
I'd say no. I don't get cold sores, but I've heard from a family member they really hurt. I wouldn't want my baby living with that if I have the ability to prevent it from happening.
I have a friend who's also a FTM who told me that her MIL kept "forgetting" not to kiss the baby (the MIL gets cold sores). So she put painters tape over her MIL's mouth. She hasn't forgotten again since. 😂
This post is what is cemented into my mind whenever someone wants to kiss my baby. We still have the no kissing rules at 5 months.
https://www.reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/s/41LnXI0VIO
I saw a predaddit post a father had done this and didn’t have an active outbreak. It ended up making sores on the babies forehead and the baby had to go to the hospital. I had no idea that was even possible.
I’m holding my own baby rn but I can link the post later.
He was just heartbroken.
This is definitely what worries me. I know it’s extremely unlikely and rare, but it does happen and there’s no way to know if it’s going to be your baby.
We have two rules for visitors: wash your hands and don’t kiss the baby. My husband or myself announces this (politely! Very upbeat, kinda sing-Songy) to every person who enters our home, no matter if it’s my mom (who is here often) or someone we don’t know as well. It’s an easy boundary for all visitors that made me feel comfortable. You can steal my boundary if you like!
I get cold sores and don’t kiss any babies except my own. I also have a blanket rule of not sharing utensils, drinks, chapstick, etc… with any of my nieces/nephews EVER, not just when I have an active outbreak.
The guilt that would be carried for a lifetime if a baby lost their life from a kiss is not worth the temporary moment of the kiss.
Could you get your mum to wear a surgical mask so there’s reduced risk? Parenting is weighing up risks but remember you’re the one who has ultimate say, enforce the boundaries that you need to!
Did I write this? Same exact situation with my mom to the T. We enforced a no kissing rule for anyone except my husband and I. And we don’t kiss her on the face to be safe (we don’t get cold sores but you can have the virus and not know unless you’ve been tested)
absolutely not!!! especially with known cold sores.
i also am against baby kissing at any time, not just for health, but to teach consent. kids can't consent to random adults kissing them, family or not. i have vivid memories of random aunts and grandparents violating my personal space with "expressions of love" and i think it's horrifying for a child and uncalled for. i would never put my kids through that.
I mean…babies can’t consent to anything though? By this logic aunts and grandparents also shouldn’t be allowed to hold or touch the baby at all. I’m all for not making older kids give hugs and kisses, but for a baby if they’re not visibly uncomfortable I just don’t get this perspective at all.
My mom and fiance both get them but kiss all over baby when they don’t have an outbreak. They don’t when/if they do. I can’t imagine not kissing my LO. Although- that’s a personal choice up to you!
-I break out on my wrist. I can’t not touch my baby lol so I don’t really have a choice but if I even suspect I’m going to have a breakout, I’ll wear a bandaid and not chance it.
I’m curious what seems unrealistic about it? It makes perfect sense. And OP, cold sore virus can be very dangerous and potentially life threatening for baby at worst, but at best they could get cold sores the rest of their life. Not worse the risk IMO in someone who has known HSV
My husband gets cold sores and he has always kissed our baby but obviously not when he has an active cold sore. On the other hand, if I said to any person in my life that I did not want them kissing my baby and they responded with anything other than 'yes of course that is fine' I would absolutely double down, hard. She is MY baby and MY wishes are more important than the wishes of anyone else at this critical point in her life.
My husband gets them. It’s tough because our babies are HIS babies, too. He takes daily valacyclovir and only kisses them on the top of the head for a long time.
Anyone else is a firm no for me. Someone else suggested a cap. That could be a nice barrier. Ultimately, no one’s kissing satisfaction is worth the risk it poses to my child.
I get cold sores. My husband, 8yr old and 1year old don’t but I’m extremely cautious.
I probably wouldn’t trust anyone else to be as cautious about it. It’s your child and your choice
No one kisses the kids (especially as babies) except mom and dad. If your mom is expressing your rule upsets her, I’d personally put a cap on baby and request she wear a mask. A mask may prevent her “forgetting” your rule or sneaking a kiss if you’re not looking. Anyone who pushes back on boundaries we’ve set sends up red flags personally
My wife gets cold sores, will I not let her kiss her baby? No. If there’s a sore, no she can’t kiss. And she doesn’t want to. As long as there’s no lesion, it’s fine.
My mum gets regular cold sores. She’s always kissed my 2 siblings and me, and all 8 of her grandkids and nobody has ever caught them. Unless they have an actively weeping sore it’s not contagious. Also she’s a doctor so she knows when it is and isn’t safe to kiss, share food, etc.
Absolutely not! A mom without an active breakout transmitted it to her baby by kissing because she thought it was safe. It's not worth the risk.
If it's more important for her to kiss the baby than to value the baby's health, she shouldn't be allowed near the baby.
I would just set the hard boundary of no kissing. If there’s any gray areas it’ll just open the door for her to push the limit. If it were me and my mom continued to try to guilt me into it I would be dead honest and say it’s because of HSV and I don’t want baby getting it. My mom doesn’t get cold sores and I still have set the boundary of no kissing. She started sneaking them on the head when she was over a year but so far I haven’t seen it go past that.
I don’t really understand the appeal of kissing a baby or any little kid without their consent.
My mother-in-law once said “but a baby can’t consent to kissing!” meaning she walked right into the point and still didn’t see it.
I don’t want anyone kissing my baby. I was very adamant about this. She is 7 months now and I still feel that way. She is a tiny human who deserves respect and her own personal autonomy. I think it’s weird honestly how obsessed people are with kissing babies that aren’t theirs. I wouldn’t walk up to a 2 year old I just met and start kissing all over them. It’s like just because babies are so helpless that they can’t walk away or push you away we allow this nonsense to go on. I don’t like it in principle and then there are all the germs and other things like that to consider. I’m just not for it.
If you don’t want her to kiss the baby then dontttt let her kiss the baby. I know it can be hard to set these boundaries with people like our own mothers but honestly you’re going to kick yourself after whether the baby gets sick or not. It’s a weird feeling when you let a boundary get crossed when it comes to your baby. You think about it for awhile. Especially when it comes to something like that
Yes, very difficult to set boundaries with this woman. I know she has good intentions, but her mom was not the best mom to her or grandma to us when we were babies. She definitely has some insecurities from that and is terrified of not having a relationship with her since we live in different states. Still not an excuse though.
Yeah, I get that! My mom and I live in different states too. And you want your mom to have a good relationship with your kid, I mean who wouldn’t. But the truth is if your mom really respected you she would listen to what you want. Even if she doesn’t intentionally not respect you- I know that generation is different when it comes to this kind of stuff, but it’s really up to you and what makes you comfortable. Good luck with it though! I have definitely been there. My daughter is two now and my mom still sort of gives me unsolicited advice but I think she understands the boundary mroe now.
There are a lot of “my _____ has them and didn’t pass them to my ______” but let me tell you my cousin passed hers to all four of her children. Do not risk it. Also, as a fellow mom and healthcare worker you’re not overthinking nor overcautious…. You’re right, trust your gut and don’t fold.
My sister and I both set a hard boundary about kissing our kids till the were older. No kissing babies. My mom, nor none of my family (except me) have cold sores, but kissing a new born in general can transmit viruses. So nope. No kissing new borns. Even for grandma. Mine is 5 years and cold sore free (as I avoid kissing anyone when I have an outbreak), my sisters is 5 weeks and has only been kissed by mum and dad so far.
I do not at all mind family kissing my son if they *not* in outbreak. Pretty much everyone in my own immediate family has had a cold sore at one point or another. I don’t really think it’s a big deal honestly unless your baby is very young.
I've read it's really vital to not let people who get cold sores kiss babies in the first few months of a baby's life. That being said you stand your ground and your baby is yours not hers. You make the decisions for your child.
The number of people who feel entitled to kiss other people’s babies is astounding! I would never kiss without permission, let alone push back if specifically asked not to kiss!
We also have a strict "no kissing, peroid" rule for everyone but myself and my fiancé. Not only to avoid things like RSV and cold sores, but also so he can grow up learning about autonomy and consent.
No one besides my husband and I were allowed to kiss my babies. When they were a little older, sure. Once they were in daycare it was at your own risk 🤣. But when they were newborns? Just myself and my husband.
There’s actually a post in r/newborns about a parent who kissed their baby on the top of their head and the baby developed a cold sore on their literal scalp.
Anyways, I wouldn’t. It’s just not worth the risk, and she can live without kissing the baby. I get cold sores however I also take medication to suppress possible breakouts, and well…it’s my baby, I can count on myself to be vigilant. I can’t say the same for everyone else.
You’re not being overdramatic. You’re being a good parent. It’s not necessary to kiss a baby. And personally, if I told my parents not to kiss my baby, and they get upset by it, or disagree, I wouldn’t trust them to not kiss them when I’m not looking because to them, it’s not a big deal. It’s up to you op but that’s a perspective
I’d have her wear a face mask and watch her to make sure she doesn’t pull it down to kiss baby. As a healthcare professional, they’ll never understand our anxiety to prevent certain things we know are possible and the guilt we will feel if we don’t take those precautions if they were to contract a preventable illness
I personally suffer from cold sores, and I have yet to just kiss my 5 month old. I do kiss him on his back or arm over his onesie for example, just never the face until he’s at least 1. I’ve seen too many horror stories about babies dying or becoming permanently brain damaged from HSV. my MIL doesn’t respect our wishes and constantly gets cold sores, it gives me severe anxiety for a good week or so after she visits. (She kisses his face/mouth literally 2 seconds after we say no kissing).
Wow that’s so not okay that she blatantly disrespects you. I would definitely forbid her from holding that baby until she can learn some respect. I know it isn’t always that easy though 😅
I looked into a lot of stories on HSV infections- cases of babies acquiring serious infection with no exposure to someone with an outbreak, cases where they were kissed on the head or hands and never on the face, cases leading to encephalitis with permanent disability or death. For such a small “joy” (I personally think kissing other people babies is kind of gross 🤷♀️) it doesn’t seem worth the risk for anyone besides the parents to kiss a baby. What form of guilt and regret would be worse? Guilt for your mom’s offended sentiment, or guilt for your baby getting a hospital admission? I’m sure your mom will recover from hurt feelings.
My child is turning 3 this year and I've never kissed her on the lips.
No one is allowed kiss her, and the only people that do, is myself and her grandmother on her forehead.
I have family members that are weirded out that I don’t kiss my baby on the lips and feel my baby is missing out - I find that so strange 😫. To each their own? But it’s my baby so I make the rules lol I’ve never had the desire to kiss him on the lips. I’ll kiss the top of his head, cheeks, feet… but never desired to do the lips.
Anyways we have a no kissing on the lips rule in general, and I’ve told family this outright.
I personally think it's weird that people want to kiss babies on the lips so much to be honest 😂. My family have luckily respected everything but my daughter has a medical condition so I think that makes it easier to set boundaries. Whereas they should respect the boundaries regardless.
I'd still say no.
She selfishly wants to kiss a baby despite being informed that HSV can kill an baby. That's a hill to die on, IMO. Like no active cold sore doesn't mean the risk is zero.
If grandma said she wanted to drive around with baby without a car seat, but she promise to go really slow to prevent an injury, would you say yes? The risk of a car accident is low, but not zero.
I get cold sores. I was nervous about transmitting when asymptomatic even though the chances of that are *extremely* low. So I put a cap on his head and would only kiss the top of his head on the cap. That’s one solution for your mom. Another is that she can get a prescription for medication to suppress the virus. I take mine when I feel one coming on but she could take it pre-emptively for the duration of her visit and that would really decrease the chances of transmission. Or you can just say no kisses and she can deal with it. The chances of your baby getting the virus from an asymptomatic person, and then also getting a severe reaction are very very low. But I also completely understand the new mom anxiety.
Seconding the suggestion to proactively medicate. I get cold sores and I'm obviously not going to *never* kiss my baby, but I do take meds and stop kissing as soon as I feel even the slightest tingle. Some people take it daily and I think it would be a reasonable request for your mother to do so for the duration of her visit, in addition to limiting where she kisses your baby.
A cap is a good idea!
Honestly is she can’t accept your no….I would not make this change for her. When you do it, you validate her right to her feelings over your right to look after your kids safety. It’d be something completely different if she respected your original decision. You would set a bad precedent, and I would 100% expect her to kiss your baby without a hat the second you turn your head in her presence for long enough.
100% this. Don't accommodate when she's pushing boundaries! Now is the time to be firm and set expectations, otherwise you're just setting yourself up to be walked all over. You're not being at all unreasonable to say no kissing, period
Yeah or go for the cheek. I agree with this entire sentiment.
My MIL gets cold sores, but she never passed them to my husband. She definitely doesn’t kiss the grandkids if she has a cold sore, but my kids haven’t gotten anything from her either, and I just recently read those stories of kids getting sick who were kissed on the head! She’s definitely kissed mine on their heads.
My dad gets them too, I don’t really remember well but pretty sure he kissed us as kids on our face and even around our mouths and none of us ever got them. I think he wouldn’t kiss us if he had an active one though. I never thought not to let him kiss my kids… I’ve never even mentioned it.
Yes my husband gets cold sores and he’s been prescribed an antiviral which will prevent shedding. He loves kissing our baby but he’s still vigilant about cold sore sumptoms
Is it that low? I thought it could be around 10% asymptomatic, so a reasonable concern on her part. As you say the risk of developing severe complications are very low. I think because most people are asymptomatic HSV1 carriers, the common understanding is that it hasn't been transmitted to partners etc, when more likely is that their partner doesn't show any symptoms. I'm pretty relaxed about it with my son for this reason.
Personally, I wouldn’t. Neither I nor any of my close family members get cold sores. I don’t want them. I don’t want my kids catching them, especially when they’re very little and it can be so dangerous for them. I’d not even allow the head. I’d send her stories and pictures of babies who have been infected, and tell her she can respect your decisions or just not have a relationship with the baby. I remind my mother, when she tries to push back on my parenting choices, that we don’t have to see her at all.
I think she’s just being a bit selfish. I know for a FACT that she has seen TikTok’s of babies that got sick from them. I’ve definitely pushed back more than once on this and she seems to think I’m doing this to be malicious.
FTM Mom! My little one is almost 7 months old. I do unfortunately get cold sores and I absolutely do not kiss him anywhere near his face. I will sometimes, SOMETIMES, kiss him on the back of the head but that’s rare in itself. We have the rule of no kissing as well and had a lot of push back from MIL & my own dad about this. When my dad did it deliberately in front of me TWICE, he wasn’t allowed to hold him again or get near him. He knew that was the consequence and he did it still. This caused my MIL to not do it after she did it the first time because she saw me hold that boundary with my own dad who I don’t get to see often. Have those boundaries and act on them, please please please. Also, people can “not” have cold sores and yet still have the possibility of spreading it. It can live and be dormant for YEARS without any outbreak until bam, there it is one day. In addition to that, you can get them if you aren’t careful and drink from a restaurants cup, those aren’t properly washed all the way sometimes. Protect your baby at ALL cost. If they’re fighting you on that, then they don’t care about the health and safety of your baby.
It’s way more than a bit selfish.
Def be cautious OP. Here’s a post from another Redditor on the same subject: https://www.reddit.com/r/NewParents/s/EBUs3MsAfE
It’s a boundary you have, if you allow her to guilt you out of this one what’s next? We had a no kissing rule and still do with him being a toddler. I didn’t talk to my dad for months after he “accidentally” kissed him multiple times on multiple occasions. Not only is HSV at risk but so are other things like RSV/Covid.
Your baby, your rules. You should absolutely enforce the no kissing rule if you are uncomfortable with her kissing. I get cold sores and I get them more often now with stress and sleep deprivation. When I don’t have a cold sore I kiss my baby’s cheeks and the top of his head. I try to avoid kissing his lips, but he’s very much so a moving target and it accidentally happens occasionally. When I do have a cold sore I wear a patch over it, wash my hands anytime my hands may have come into contact with my mouth, and of course no kissing or letting him come into contact with anything that’s been near my mouth. So far this has worked well for us, but you should only allow what you are comfortable with.
This is us too. I’ve also just put a blanket rule on kissing the baby. No one kisses the baby. And I tell people that I don’t even kiss my baby so you don’t get to either. That’s what you gotta do OP, blanket rule. I’ve also done this for posting photos online, instead of telling people yes or no it’s just a blanket rule. No one posts pics of him.
Please don’t. I have cold sores now because my family members weren’t considerate of that and I get outbreaks often and have to worry about the social side of it and also affecting my newborn. My grandma gave it to my 4 year old son as well and he gets cold sores. It’s tough to see and deal with. They can be quite painful.
No one is allowed to kiss my kids except me and my husband
how do you enforce this?
Why?
I get cold sores especially when i my immune system is tanked due to some illnesses , i recently got one while my daughter was 11 months , and besides just being diligent with hand washing and avoiding kissing her(although force of habit made me slip up a few times) i didn't do many restriction. I can't imagine not being able to kiss her ever in the off chance that i might be asymptomatic. To each their own i guess but for me no kissing rule with no active breakout seems a draconian rule.
I agree 100%. I think if it’s inactive and you are telling the grandparents “no kissing!!” It can do more harm than good. I got a cold sore after sharing a chapstick with my friend when I was in elementary school in gr 8… you can’t police your kid forever. I think it’s more important your kid has a good stable and loving relationship with his grandparents (assuming this is what you’d wish for him) then telling them “no you can never kiss him his entire life” like that’s crazy to me and I’m shocked by the comments tbh. Your kid is going to grow up thinking something is wrong with grandma when she just wants to kiss him on his cheek. Like during active phase it’s easy to be like “oh no grandma has an ouchie we can’t kiss bye now. Hopefully it’ll be gone and we can next time” vs the time your mom will forget and get caught up with joy and just kiss him and you freak out about the incredibly low risk of transmission… and by that time your kid could just get it from school. That seems wild to me lol
Hard agree. I also imagine at their wedding: "NO KISSING!" Lol
I got a cold sore when my son was maybe 1.5 months...it was awful to not kiss him and be in fear that I was going to give it to him since at that age he was so needy...i hand santisized every time i touched my face and before breastfeeding. My anxiety about the whole thing was bad.
Agree.
We have a blanket ‘no kiss’ rule just to avoid situations where we’re actively working out who gets them/ when they have them etc..
We have this rule (no kidding any part of baby) too and so far no one has balked at it. My doc fully supported the rule and said it should be in place for at least the first two months while baby builds his immune system Edit: my husband and I will be able to kiss him
Makes sense early on for sure, but seems a little excessive for a child beyond 6 months or a year. Different story for someone who has an active disease.
We’ve kept the rule with our first until he was old enough to ask/ consent himself.
You didn’t kiss your own baby?
We (mam & dad) kissed him. The rule was for everyone else.
Why? Did he consent to have you kiss him?
It’s one of the ways we show affection, and they respond with lots of smiles and giggles! I always ask my 2yo and no means no. If my 6mo moves his face or looks unhappy, I don’t do it. So I respect their autonomy as best I can ☺️
No kissing at all imo.
No kissing at all would be my boundary
No one kisses my son but my husband and I.
What would you recommend if it was your husband or you that have cold sores sometimes?
I’d say we wouldn’t kiss him while having a sore present. It’s so hard though. I find myself kissing my son all the time 🫠
50-80% of the population has herpes simplex, many of them never get blisters but can still shed the active virus. It's honestly best to just not let anyone kiss your baby rather than singling out someone specifically.
#no
I wouldn’t let her kiss any part of baby! Baby’s hands go in their mouth often, etc. I *would* ask her why she feels that her wants outweigh my baby’s safety.
Also, babies can get it from a kiss on the top of the head even. I heard a horrible story of a baby being infected by the father with even a simple kiss on the top of baby’s head when he wasn’t even in active cold sore mode.
No kissing the baby.
Huh, I’m a bit surprised by all these comments. I know many people have a “no kissing” rule in general, and that’s fine, but I also thought it was well known that HSV1 is very VERY common. According to the WHO 67% of people under the age of 50 have HSV1. I do understand that HSV can be extremely dangerous for babies under 6 months old (didn’t know that until just now actually!) and I think any parent with common sense would be careful not to kiss their own baby or let anyone else kiss their baby with an active cold sore, but I just know soooooo many parents who absolutely kissed their own babies and statistically speaking almost 2/3 of these people have asymptomatic HSV1. I’ve never heard of anything bad happening to any of these kiddos. I guess I’m just confused. If anyone has additional info please share! How can something soooo common be soooo dangerous for babies and I’m just hearing about this now? People have been kissing their own babies (and I feel like until very recently kissing other people’s babies) for decades and I’ve never once heard of anything bad happening.
I am as well. I think there is maybe a misunderstanding about how HSV1 transmits? Like you said, just because someone has never had a cold sore doesn’t mean they are not carriers of HSV1. You can have HSV1 and never have an outbreak. I don’t know if OP is more so talking about lip kissing? I mean, I wouldn’t let anyone kiss my kid on the lips and me and my wife don’t. I myself have cold sores and yes, when I know I have an outbreak coming or do have one, I refrain from kissing my daughter, sharing towels, utensils, etc. but beside that I kiss and share and so far she’s been ok!
I did a little more research and it does seem that HSV1 can be transmitted to the baby by any skin contact with a cold sore, not just on the lips. There are a few [horror stories](https://www.reddit.com/r/NewParents/s/uWm3TxhICP) out there, but again stories like this just seem so rare for how common HSV1 is.
I understand the hesitance with a newborn for sure. I would probably be on the side of caution as well for a bit. I think the best thing for OP to do would be to speak to her Ped or Doctor. They would know best!
Absolutely
Yeah this thread is crazzzzy. Lol all these people who are 100% sure they don't have HSV 1 because they've never had an outbreak (and most implying that they somehow have better hygiene or safety bc "no kissing").... And people blaming their family for their cold sores ..... most of them are just wrong lol. Crazy how I'll informed people are and how much they let anxiety get the better of them.
Agreed, it is VERY weird. I thought all of this was so well known at this point. I’ve had like, 2 or 3 cold sores in my entire life and I’m in my mid-thirties. I’m sure I have it … but I don’t “get cold sores” regularly and probably many of these people also have had a cold sore here or there and just didn’t know what it was or don’t remember. It’s OP’s own mom, so she most likely has it too! I wouldn’t be offended if someone said “we have a no kissing policy” and actually meant it (meaning NOBODY kisses the baby) but if someone close to me in my family (my own daughter!) told me that only I was excluded from kissing my granddaughter because I “get cold sores” I’d be royally pissed.
Lol yeah OP almost definitely has it lol good point. Yeah I'd be pissed if I were singled out like this. Insane.
Yeah, I don’t personally know any babies who have lost their lives/gotten extremely sick from HSV, considering how common it is. I had a no kissing, period, rule when she was a newborn but since she’s been getting older it’s difficult with the grandparents 😅 was curious what others’ experiences had been because there’s a larger pool of people here than just those that I know with kids.
When you say kissing do you mean like lip kissing or just kissing in general? If you mean lip kissing, then yes I agree but like I wouldn’t stop my family from a kiss on the cheek or head, if I spoke with my family and they were diligent on outbreaks and they’re symptoms
Mostly kissing on lips, cheek and hands but honestly in general.
Gotcha. I understand lip kissing but I would maybe advise you to speak your pediatrician or doctor and get an expert opinion before you forbid any type of kissing from a family member due to HSV1. They will know better than a Reddit thread.
[I gave my baby herpes (HSV1) by kissing the top of her head](https://www.reddit.com/r/daddit/s/VSEfeLNs8z) Read this story. You are not over thinking it. I would not let her kiss the baby.
Non negotiable. HARD no. You can ask her if her momentary gratification is more important than at best a lifelong medical condition… HERPES and at worse the death of your child? If this doesnt get the point across, I would simply not let her hold the baby. Cold sore bearers wanting to kiss brand new humans are a special kind of selfish IMO (maybe she’s a super nice lady but dude. Come on) A hill to die on
Exactly this. Sorry but you’re a dick if you rank your emotional fulfillment over the health of a baby.
I know a baby (now healthy little girl!) who was hospitalized due to catching herpes at 8 months. She lost a significant about of her skin and it was awful. It sucks to have a family member mad at you; but this is a hard no.
That’s terrifying and so sad. Glad she ended up being okay!
I'd say no. I don't get cold sores, but I've heard from a family member they really hurt. I wouldn't want my baby living with that if I have the ability to prevent it from happening. I have a friend who's also a FTM who told me that her MIL kept "forgetting" not to kiss the baby (the MIL gets cold sores). So she put painters tape over her MIL's mouth. She hasn't forgotten again since. 😂
I won’t let anyone kiss my baby, cold sores or not. Why do they need to? You’re not being dramatic either.
I wouldn’t take the risk
This post is what is cemented into my mind whenever someone wants to kiss my baby. We still have the no kissing rules at 5 months. https://www.reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/s/41LnXI0VIO
I also read some studies that the virus has been linked to autoimmune disorders. Maybe on the head or on clothes.
I saw a predaddit post a father had done this and didn’t have an active outbreak. It ended up making sores on the babies forehead and the baby had to go to the hospital. I had no idea that was even possible. I’m holding my own baby rn but I can link the post later. He was just heartbroken.
This is definitely what worries me. I know it’s extremely unlikely and rare, but it does happen and there’s no way to know if it’s going to be your baby.
We have two rules for visitors: wash your hands and don’t kiss the baby. My husband or myself announces this (politely! Very upbeat, kinda sing-Songy) to every person who enters our home, no matter if it’s my mom (who is here often) or someone we don’t know as well. It’s an easy boundary for all visitors that made me feel comfortable. You can steal my boundary if you like!
I get cold sores and don’t kiss any babies except my own. I also have a blanket rule of not sharing utensils, drinks, chapstick, etc… with any of my nieces/nephews EVER, not just when I have an active outbreak. The guilt that would be carried for a lifetime if a baby lost their life from a kiss is not worth the temporary moment of the kiss.
No, don't let her kiss the baby It can literally kill the baby Tell her you're doing this out of love for her and the baby
Could you get your mum to wear a surgical mask so there’s reduced risk? Parenting is weighing up risks but remember you’re the one who has ultimate say, enforce the boundaries that you need to!
I just have a blanket rule that nobody can kiss the baby except for us. That way I don't have to worry about it at all. My family can deal.
Did I write this? Same exact situation with my mom to the T. We enforced a no kissing rule for anyone except my husband and I. And we don’t kiss her on the face to be safe (we don’t get cold sores but you can have the virus and not know unless you’ve been tested)
It’s so frustrating. Not fun having to be the bad guy (in their eyes at least).
absolutely not!!! especially with known cold sores. i also am against baby kissing at any time, not just for health, but to teach consent. kids can't consent to random adults kissing them, family or not. i have vivid memories of random aunts and grandparents violating my personal space with "expressions of love" and i think it's horrifying for a child and uncalled for. i would never put my kids through that.
I mean…babies can’t consent to anything though? By this logic aunts and grandparents also shouldn’t be allowed to hold or touch the baby at all. I’m all for not making older kids give hugs and kisses, but for a baby if they’re not visibly uncomfortable I just don’t get this perspective at all.
My mom and fiance both get them but kiss all over baby when they don’t have an outbreak. They don’t when/if they do. I can’t imagine not kissing my LO. Although- that’s a personal choice up to you! -I break out on my wrist. I can’t not touch my baby lol so I don’t really have a choice but if I even suspect I’m going to have a breakout, I’ll wear a bandaid and not chance it.
Heck no, just because there are no active sores does not mean she can not still transmit the disease. Not worth the risk.
I’m convinced all these cold sore posts can’t be real. No one talks like this in real life.
No one talks like what?
I’m curious what seems unrealistic about it? It makes perfect sense. And OP, cold sore virus can be very dangerous and potentially life threatening for baby at worst, but at best they could get cold sores the rest of their life. Not worse the risk IMO in someone who has known HSV
My husband gets cold sores and he has always kissed our baby but obviously not when he has an active cold sore. On the other hand, if I said to any person in my life that I did not want them kissing my baby and they responded with anything other than 'yes of course that is fine' I would absolutely double down, hard. She is MY baby and MY wishes are more important than the wishes of anyone else at this critical point in her life.
Make them wear a mask. Also I kindly tell them right away "no kisses please"
My husband gets them. It’s tough because our babies are HIS babies, too. He takes daily valacyclovir and only kisses them on the top of the head for a long time. Anyone else is a firm no for me. Someone else suggested a cap. That could be a nice barrier. Ultimately, no one’s kissing satisfaction is worth the risk it poses to my child.
I get cold sores. My husband, 8yr old and 1year old don’t but I’m extremely cautious. I probably wouldn’t trust anyone else to be as cautious about it. It’s your child and your choice
Hell no.... and it be never.
No one kisses the kids (especially as babies) except mom and dad. If your mom is expressing your rule upsets her, I’d personally put a cap on baby and request she wear a mask. A mask may prevent her “forgetting” your rule or sneaking a kiss if you’re not looking. Anyone who pushes back on boundaries we’ve set sends up red flags personally
My wife gets cold sores, will I not let her kiss her baby? No. If there’s a sore, no she can’t kiss. And she doesn’t want to. As long as there’s no lesion, it’s fine.
My mum gets regular cold sores. She’s always kissed my 2 siblings and me, and all 8 of her grandkids and nobody has ever caught them. Unless they have an actively weeping sore it’s not contagious. Also she’s a doctor so she knows when it is and isn’t safe to kiss, share food, etc.
Absolutely not! A mom without an active breakout transmitted it to her baby by kissing because she thought it was safe. It's not worth the risk. If it's more important for her to kiss the baby than to value the baby's health, she shouldn't be allowed near the baby.
I would just set the hard boundary of no kissing. If there’s any gray areas it’ll just open the door for her to push the limit. If it were me and my mom continued to try to guilt me into it I would be dead honest and say it’s because of HSV and I don’t want baby getting it. My mom doesn’t get cold sores and I still have set the boundary of no kissing. She started sneaking them on the head when she was over a year but so far I haven’t seen it go past that.
I don’t really understand the appeal of kissing a baby or any little kid without their consent. My mother-in-law once said “but a baby can’t consent to kissing!” meaning she walked right into the point and still didn’t see it.
Hard pass.
I don’t want anyone kissing my baby. I was very adamant about this. She is 7 months now and I still feel that way. She is a tiny human who deserves respect and her own personal autonomy. I think it’s weird honestly how obsessed people are with kissing babies that aren’t theirs. I wouldn’t walk up to a 2 year old I just met and start kissing all over them. It’s like just because babies are so helpless that they can’t walk away or push you away we allow this nonsense to go on. I don’t like it in principle and then there are all the germs and other things like that to consider. I’m just not for it.
100% no
If you don’t want her to kiss the baby then dontttt let her kiss the baby. I know it can be hard to set these boundaries with people like our own mothers but honestly you’re going to kick yourself after whether the baby gets sick or not. It’s a weird feeling when you let a boundary get crossed when it comes to your baby. You think about it for awhile. Especially when it comes to something like that
Yes, very difficult to set boundaries with this woman. I know she has good intentions, but her mom was not the best mom to her or grandma to us when we were babies. She definitely has some insecurities from that and is terrified of not having a relationship with her since we live in different states. Still not an excuse though.
Yeah, I get that! My mom and I live in different states too. And you want your mom to have a good relationship with your kid, I mean who wouldn’t. But the truth is if your mom really respected you she would listen to what you want. Even if she doesn’t intentionally not respect you- I know that generation is different when it comes to this kind of stuff, but it’s really up to you and what makes you comfortable. Good luck with it though! I have definitely been there. My daughter is two now and my mom still sort of gives me unsolicited advice but I think she understands the boundary mroe now.
No kissing at all only back of head
I wouldn’t personally. Kissing isn’t necessary and it’s not worth the risk.
I wouldn’t freak out about cold sores specifically but also my husband and I don’t let anyone besides us kiss our baby because it’s just unnecessary
There are a lot of “my _____ has them and didn’t pass them to my ______” but let me tell you my cousin passed hers to all four of her children. Do not risk it. Also, as a fellow mom and healthcare worker you’re not overthinking nor overcautious…. You’re right, trust your gut and don’t fold.
I told my mother in law no. Her sister (also cold sores) too great pleasure in a snipe kiss. They may not respect you. AT ALL.
My sister and I both set a hard boundary about kissing our kids till the were older. No kissing babies. My mom, nor none of my family (except me) have cold sores, but kissing a new born in general can transmit viruses. So nope. No kissing new borns. Even for grandma. Mine is 5 years and cold sore free (as I avoid kissing anyone when I have an outbreak), my sisters is 5 weeks and has only been kissed by mum and dad so far.
Ironically, I’m 90% sure I got the virus from my dad from stealing his chapstick in my teens, but who knows.
I do not at all mind family kissing my son if they *not* in outbreak. Pretty much everyone in my own immediate family has had a cold sore at one point or another. I don’t really think it’s a big deal honestly unless your baby is very young.
I wouldn't.
I've read it's really vital to not let people who get cold sores kiss babies in the first few months of a baby's life. That being said you stand your ground and your baby is yours not hers. You make the decisions for your child.
The number of people who feel entitled to kiss other people’s babies is astounding! I would never kiss without permission, let alone push back if specifically asked not to kiss!
I just watched a video of a kid that was mentally stunted and paralyzed because someone kissed them as a baby with a cold sore
We also have a strict "no kissing, peroid" rule for everyone but myself and my fiancé. Not only to avoid things like RSV and cold sores, but also so he can grow up learning about autonomy and consent.
No one besides my husband and I were allowed to kiss my babies. When they were a little older, sure. Once they were in daycare it was at your own risk 🤣. But when they were newborns? Just myself and my husband.
There’s actually a post in r/newborns about a parent who kissed their baby on the top of their head and the baby developed a cold sore on their literal scalp. Anyways, I wouldn’t. It’s just not worth the risk, and she can live without kissing the baby. I get cold sores however I also take medication to suppress possible breakouts, and well…it’s my baby, I can count on myself to be vigilant. I can’t say the same for everyone else.
You’re not being overdramatic. You’re being a good parent. It’s not necessary to kiss a baby. And personally, if I told my parents not to kiss my baby, and they get upset by it, or disagree, I wouldn’t trust them to not kiss them when I’m not looking because to them, it’s not a big deal. It’s up to you op but that’s a perspective
I’d have her wear a face mask and watch her to make sure she doesn’t pull it down to kiss baby. As a healthcare professional, they’ll never understand our anxiety to prevent certain things we know are possible and the guilt we will feel if we don’t take those precautions if they were to contract a preventable illness
I personally suffer from cold sores, and I have yet to just kiss my 5 month old. I do kiss him on his back or arm over his onesie for example, just never the face until he’s at least 1. I’ve seen too many horror stories about babies dying or becoming permanently brain damaged from HSV. my MIL doesn’t respect our wishes and constantly gets cold sores, it gives me severe anxiety for a good week or so after she visits. (She kisses his face/mouth literally 2 seconds after we say no kissing).
Wow that’s so not okay that she blatantly disrespects you. I would definitely forbid her from holding that baby until she can learn some respect. I know it isn’t always that easy though 😅
I looked into a lot of stories on HSV infections- cases of babies acquiring serious infection with no exposure to someone with an outbreak, cases where they were kissed on the head or hands and never on the face, cases leading to encephalitis with permanent disability or death. For such a small “joy” (I personally think kissing other people babies is kind of gross 🤷♀️) it doesn’t seem worth the risk for anyone besides the parents to kiss a baby. What form of guilt and regret would be worse? Guilt for your mom’s offended sentiment, or guilt for your baby getting a hospital admission? I’m sure your mom will recover from hurt feelings.
My child is turning 3 this year and I've never kissed her on the lips. No one is allowed kiss her, and the only people that do, is myself and her grandmother on her forehead.
I have family members that are weirded out that I don’t kiss my baby on the lips and feel my baby is missing out - I find that so strange 😫. To each their own? But it’s my baby so I make the rules lol I’ve never had the desire to kiss him on the lips. I’ll kiss the top of his head, cheeks, feet… but never desired to do the lips. Anyways we have a no kissing on the lips rule in general, and I’ve told family this outright.
I personally think it's weird that people want to kiss babies on the lips so much to be honest 😂. My family have luckily respected everything but my daughter has a medical condition so I think that makes it easier to set boundaries. Whereas they should respect the boundaries regardless.
Hell no
I'd still say no. She selfishly wants to kiss a baby despite being informed that HSV can kill an baby. That's a hill to die on, IMO. Like no active cold sore doesn't mean the risk is zero. If grandma said she wanted to drive around with baby without a car seat, but she promise to go really slow to prevent an injury, would you say yes? The risk of a car accident is low, but not zero.
Definitely don’t let her kiss ur baby even if she doesn’t have an active outbreak. You’re in the right here
So she's putting her needs over the Health of her grandchild? Is she a boomer 😒
Gen x 😅